WEBVTT - What Is a Conscious Parent? w/ Dr. Shefali Tsabary 0:00:05.120 --> 0:00:10.559 Hi, everybody, and welcome to Katie's Crib. This is this 0:00:10.640 --> 0:00:13.560 is just a very very very special episode. This is 0:00:13.600 --> 0:00:16.360 a special episode. We have one guest and one guest only, 0:00:16.680 --> 0:00:20.040 and her name is Dr Safali Sabari and she is 0:00:20.160 --> 0:00:23.440 a clinical psychologist who specializes in the integration of Eastern 0:00:23.480 --> 0:00:26.880 philosophy and Western psychology. She is the author of three books, 0:00:27.000 --> 0:00:29.680 The Conscious Parent, out of Control, and The Awakened Family. 0:00:30.040 --> 0:00:33.000 Here's how I came to know her. I got pregnant 0:00:33.040 --> 0:00:36.720 on Scandal. I went to Carrie Washington, who, as we know, 0:00:37.040 --> 0:00:40.519 is the most incredible actress, mother activist. I mean, the 0:00:40.520 --> 0:00:42.840 girl is just incredible. And I said, oh my gosh, 0:00:42.880 --> 0:00:46.560 I'm sitting here amongst piles of how to parent books 0:00:46.560 --> 0:00:48.440 and I don't know what to do, and I'm very overwhelmed, 0:00:48.440 --> 0:00:51.559 and I'm pregnant. And CARRY said, if you're going to 0:00:51.640 --> 0:00:54.120 read one book, and only one book, it has to 0:00:54.120 --> 0:00:59.360 be The Conscious Parent. And the book blew my mind. 0:01:00.080 --> 0:01:02.560 And I am sitting now across from you, staring into 0:01:02.600 --> 0:01:05.600 your gorgeous eyes in Great neck Long Island, you guys, 0:01:05.600 --> 0:01:07.360 which is literally the town next to where I grew 0:01:07.440 --> 0:01:10.080 up in nor Washington. Um, thank you. So much for 0:01:10.120 --> 0:01:13.560 being here. Of course it is. It's such an honor 0:01:13.720 --> 0:01:17.560 to meet you. I am a super fan. Um. So 0:01:17.880 --> 0:01:21.880 this book The Conscious Parent that you guys run, don't walk, 0:01:22.600 --> 0:01:27.039 um to read? What is the Conscious Parent? That's? What 0:01:27.120 --> 0:01:29.240 is that? The first question you get from everybody. Sure, 0:01:29.560 --> 0:01:33.640 And then I get an indignant affirmation from these parents 0:01:33.880 --> 0:01:38.240 saying I'm conscious. I'm already conscious. So then we have 0:01:38.319 --> 0:01:43.160 to deconstruct what consciousness really means. And I'll just tell 0:01:43.200 --> 0:01:46.240 you a little bit about the inspiration behind the Conscious Parent. 0:01:47.240 --> 0:01:51.480 You know, having been a meditator for almost fifteen years 0:01:51.520 --> 0:01:56.000 before I had a child, I was exposed to the 0:01:56.040 --> 0:01:59.560 concept that we have this thing called the ego. And 0:01:59.640 --> 0:02:03.840 this ego is a false self, a false persona that 0:02:03.960 --> 0:02:10.079 gets created because our intrinsic, innate self was never seen, heard, understood, 0:02:10.120 --> 0:02:12.959 or validated by our parents. And all of us had 0:02:13.600 --> 0:02:17.680 very unconscious parents, so they pass on this unconsciousness to us, 0:02:18.000 --> 0:02:21.400 and because we want to preserve and thrive and survive, 0:02:21.840 --> 0:02:24.440 we create this false self called the ego. Now, the 0:02:24.480 --> 0:02:27.760 ego is not who we truly are, and we talked 0:02:27.760 --> 0:02:30.800 about who we truly are. It's the things we think 0:02:30.919 --> 0:02:34.400 we should be which society tells us. Culture tells us, 0:02:34.400 --> 0:02:36.440 So we should be beautiful, we should be skinny, we 0:02:36.440 --> 0:02:39.120 should be tall, we should be short, whatever it is, 0:02:39.320 --> 0:02:43.880 the flavor of the culture's day, whichever culture, whatever, the 0:02:43.880 --> 0:02:48.120 the most exalted qualities are. So we grow up thriving 0:02:48.160 --> 0:02:51.839 to be that in order to feel validated. And it's 0:02:51.919 --> 0:02:57.280 this thirst to fill the inner self that actually propels 0:02:57.880 --> 0:03:01.520 most of our life. And we don't realize that we're 0:03:01.639 --> 0:03:04.600 doing things because we're hungry, and it's coming from lack 0:03:05.240 --> 0:03:08.200 and which is really fair, And so we're not doing 0:03:08.240 --> 0:03:11.480 things because it's truly us. We're doing things because we 0:03:11.560 --> 0:03:15.400 think we should. And having children is one of them, 0:03:15.400 --> 0:03:20.000 getting married is another. All of these prescriptions one after 0:03:20.040 --> 0:03:23.280 the other. And so then we have kids, and then 0:03:23.320 --> 0:03:25.640 we think we're having kids because the kids wanted to 0:03:25.639 --> 0:03:28.919 be saved from wherever hell they were at, but it's 0:03:28.960 --> 0:03:31.639 not true. They were fine wherever they were at. We 0:03:31.760 --> 0:03:34.040 think we should have kids because we have it on 0:03:34.080 --> 0:03:36.760 our checklist, because it's one more thing we think we 0:03:36.760 --> 0:03:39.880 should do um and of course we want to have kids, 0:03:39.880 --> 0:03:41.800 but I don't know how many of us really deconstruct. 0:03:42.120 --> 0:03:48.600 So then consciousness becomes about really becoming aware of who 0:03:48.640 --> 0:03:52.360 it is you are and who it is you've been 0:03:52.400 --> 0:03:56.720 playing all these roles you've been playing because you really can't. 0:03:58.640 --> 0:04:01.560 You cannot raise a con just child unless you, yourself 0:04:01.800 --> 0:04:04.120 are conscious. Yeah, this has nothing to do with the child. 0:04:04.160 --> 0:04:08.400 This is okay. So the word all has to do 0:04:08.440 --> 0:04:10.680 with me. I knew. And the conscious is about you 0:04:10.800 --> 0:04:14.240 realizing that you have been playing to your false self, 0:04:14.320 --> 0:04:17.039 and you've been raising a false self within you, And 0:04:17.080 --> 0:04:19.360 if you don't become conscious of that, you will then 0:04:19.920 --> 0:04:24.040 negate and dismiss and eviscerate the true self and the child, 0:04:24.440 --> 0:04:27.080 and raise the child to now play to the tune 0:04:27.080 --> 0:04:29.040 of your false self. And this is what we do, 0:04:29.160 --> 0:04:32.919 We've been doing for generations. Every generation lives false and 0:04:33.040 --> 0:04:36.400 raises false and we have a culture of false right right? 0:04:37.400 --> 0:04:39.600 How what is the kind of work that a parent 0:04:39.680 --> 0:04:42.560 can do to get to be conscious, to consider them? 0:04:42.680 --> 0:04:44.520 You know, if if, if, if I'm going to raise 0:04:44.520 --> 0:04:48.640 my son to be a conscious being, and I want 0:04:48.680 --> 0:04:50.479 to start with me, which is what it sounds like 0:04:50.480 --> 0:04:53.000 I have to do? How do I do that? Yeah? 0:04:53.040 --> 0:04:55.960 Well it's there's a simple answer and then a complex answer. 0:04:56.040 --> 0:04:59.840 The simple answer is understand that every time you react 0:04:59.839 --> 0:05:03.719 to your child, it's because of something that the child 0:05:03.800 --> 0:05:06.520 has re evoked in you. So it's not the child's 0:05:06.560 --> 0:05:10.200 bad behavior, the child's temper, tantrum, or the child triggering you. 0:05:10.520 --> 0:05:14.400 It's because you have an in avoid within that gets 0:05:15.279 --> 0:05:19.000 awakened and triggered by your child. So it's all you. 0:05:19.320 --> 0:05:22.240 So that's the simple answer, Okay, to to know it's 0:05:22.240 --> 0:05:26.880 all you, at least start turning the spotlight within. And 0:05:26.920 --> 0:05:30.440 then the complex answer is you have to undertake a process. 0:05:30.440 --> 0:05:32.400 You have to go through a journey. Right, It's like 0:05:32.480 --> 0:05:34.800 going to the gym. Do you go one time or 0:05:34.839 --> 0:05:37.440 do you commit to a lifestyle? So it's a lifestyle 0:05:37.480 --> 0:05:42.240 of awakening, a lifestyle of self help and deconstruction and 0:05:42.279 --> 0:05:44.680 healing your childhood wounds. It's it's a lot of work. 0:05:44.880 --> 0:05:48.160 When we talk about making a lifestyle change, like it's 0:05:48.160 --> 0:05:55.159 the gym, Like that would include what feels right for you, meditation, therapy, yoga. 0:05:55.440 --> 0:05:57.480 I don't know or these the types of things that 0:05:57.520 --> 0:06:01.040 we're using. I don't know how much you a god necessarily, 0:06:01.200 --> 0:06:04.400 but yoga is a great exercise, yes, and it does 0:06:04.600 --> 0:06:07.200 bring you into the ground at present moment. But I 0:06:07.240 --> 0:06:09.919 think what you What everybody realizes when they have a 0:06:10.040 --> 0:06:13.560 child is that the child lives in the present moment 0:06:14.040 --> 0:06:18.520 like no other, and we don't. So there's a huge discrepancy, 0:06:18.560 --> 0:06:23.160 there's a huge mismatch, misalignment. So we're always out of 0:06:23.200 --> 0:06:27.040 sync with our children. If you know, you know, especially infants, 0:06:27.080 --> 0:06:30.680 they're so in the moment, and they don't care that 0:06:30.760 --> 0:06:33.039 you have a party, They don't care that they just 0:06:33.120 --> 0:06:36.840 vomited on your beautiful dress. They teach you to strip 0:06:36.880 --> 0:06:40.080 yourself of all those ego attachments I was talking about. 0:06:40.520 --> 0:06:43.839 They teach you be in the moment. Mom Who are 0:06:43.880 --> 0:06:46.839 you without that? So let go of your party, let 0:06:46.880 --> 0:06:50.240 go of your phone, let go and the outfit, all 0:06:50.320 --> 0:06:53.559 your machinations in your mind, and focus on me now here. 0:06:54.279 --> 0:06:57.360 And because they're so impetuous, they really make you keep 0:06:57.440 --> 0:07:00.520 up with them, meaning moment after moment. So all the 0:07:00.560 --> 0:07:04.920 spiritual wisdom that you learned through meditation gets applied in parenting. 0:07:05.320 --> 0:07:07.839 So when I mean what I mean by a lifestyle changes, 0:07:08.320 --> 0:07:10.440 you begin to see that you're not in tune with 0:07:10.440 --> 0:07:12.680 your child. If you're an aware of person, and you 0:07:12.720 --> 0:07:15.160 begin to see that you're frustrated with your children, not 0:07:15.280 --> 0:07:18.440 because of them. But because of your inability to slow down, 0:07:18.560 --> 0:07:20.880 drop your agenda, be in the moment, and have the flow, 0:07:20.960 --> 0:07:24.200 you might be having like a totally disproportionate reaction to 0:07:24.360 --> 0:07:27.880 something small because because you just read an email that 0:07:28.000 --> 0:07:30.840 stressed you the hell out something at work. Then they 0:07:30.920 --> 0:07:32.680 throw something on the floor and all of a sudden, 0:07:32.720 --> 0:07:37.520 you're so piste exactly and it has you know you 0:07:37.560 --> 0:07:41.560 are not there with your kid with exactly what they 0:07:41.600 --> 0:07:44.320 just did. Correct When many parents are oblivious to the 0:07:44.320 --> 0:07:46.760 fact that they're not present, they just presume it's the 0:07:46.840 --> 0:07:49.360 kid and they fix the kid, and they blame the kid, 0:07:49.360 --> 0:07:51.400 and they shamed the kid. So my work is all 0:07:51.440 --> 0:07:55.720 about toppling that paradigm and making the parent have the 0:07:55.720 --> 0:07:58.440 onus to turn the spotlight within. No, what is it 0:07:58.480 --> 0:08:01.680 about you? How did you react? Why did you react? 0:08:01.720 --> 0:08:04.160 It's nothing to do with your child. It's all about 0:08:04.240 --> 0:08:09.200 raising yourself. Oh my god, it's all about raising yourself, guys. 0:08:09.400 --> 0:08:13.120 But it's complex, yes, but it's for for me. It 0:08:13.400 --> 0:08:17.000 really when I read The Conscious Parent, it really took 0:08:18.200 --> 0:08:23.560 in some ways the pressure off, because I all of 0:08:23.600 --> 0:08:26.400 a sudden felt less responsibility, like I have to teach 0:08:26.480 --> 0:08:29.240 him everything. I know because good Lord, I don't know 0:08:29.400 --> 0:08:31.960 a lot of stuff, like when he asks me difficult 0:08:32.040 --> 0:08:35.760 questions in the future like what is God? Or why 0:08:35.920 --> 0:08:38.280 is this person mean to this person? Or something like 0:08:38.320 --> 0:08:39.960 there's going to be a lot of times where I 0:08:39.960 --> 0:08:43.000 I don't know the answer. I really don't. And there's 0:08:43.040 --> 0:08:45.520 a huge topic in your book about you know, my 0:08:45.559 --> 0:08:47.600 son is here to teach me. You know, my son 0:08:47.720 --> 0:08:50.720 is here to bring me to another level of consciousness. 0:08:50.720 --> 0:08:54.280 My son has been born because he's my greatest teacher 0:08:54.960 --> 0:08:57.599 um And so it for me that might truss some 0:08:57.679 --> 0:09:02.080 people out. For me, I felt incredibly a weightlifted, like 0:09:02.200 --> 0:09:06.000 I didn't have this responsibility to teach him the ABC 0:09:06.200 --> 0:09:08.200 is and how to divide and also I mean, please 0:09:08.240 --> 0:09:10.360 let them learn that stuff. But like whatever I mean, 0:09:10.400 --> 0:09:13.400 I was a terrible math student myself. But because you're 0:09:13.440 --> 0:09:15.880 an easy going parent and you were okay with giving 0:09:15.920 --> 0:09:19.640 up that control, many people aren't. They want the pedestal 0:09:19.800 --> 0:09:22.560 of being superior and being the ones who know, and 0:09:22.600 --> 0:09:24.800 they want to fix the kid. It's very hard for 0:09:24.840 --> 0:09:27.680 them to turn all that onto them and kind of 0:09:27.720 --> 0:09:30.560 fix themselves. So but I hear you. It's it's a 0:09:30.600 --> 0:09:32.880 relieving message for me too, And many people who get 0:09:32.920 --> 0:09:35.240 it say the same thing. A weight is lifted off 0:09:35.240 --> 0:09:38.120 my shoulders. This is the only way to parent, because 0:09:38.160 --> 0:09:41.400 it is actually the truth is everything in life is 0:09:41.440 --> 0:09:45.040 only about us. Nothing is happening to us against us. 0:09:45.480 --> 0:09:48.439 Nobody is here to ruin our lives. It's all about 0:09:48.520 --> 0:09:51.320 our ability or inability to handle our in her terrain. 0:09:52.000 --> 0:09:54.920 And our children show us that more than anything. I mean, 0:09:54.960 --> 0:09:57.000 we become one year olds, if they're one year olds, 0:09:57.040 --> 0:10:00.079 we become three year olds and they've become five. Know 0:10:00.200 --> 0:10:03.920 we're having temper tantrums because we were never raised in 0:10:04.080 --> 0:10:07.520 our wholeness. So the moment we lose, we feel like 0:10:07.520 --> 0:10:10.400 we're losing control with our children, like they're pressuring us 0:10:10.400 --> 0:10:13.320 too much, or there they're too shy or too withdrawn, 0:10:13.400 --> 0:10:15.200 or making us look bad in front of our friends. 0:10:15.280 --> 0:10:17.640 That's a huge See, that's where I think I'm going 0:10:17.679 --> 0:10:21.000 to fail. Is like, see, I can say all this 0:10:21.040 --> 0:10:24.679 and it's wonderful to have a one year old, I'll 0:10:24.720 --> 0:10:26.440 be is about to be one. I can put my 0:10:26.480 --> 0:10:30.400 phone down. There's nothing is wonderful to me. Is like 0:10:30.440 --> 0:10:32.560 if I get one hour that I'm not working and 0:10:32.600 --> 0:10:34.640 I know that it's going to be a very present 0:10:35.679 --> 0:10:37.719 exchange of an hour, like I'm not going to look 0:10:37.760 --> 0:10:39.559 at my You know I have this, but but I'm 0:10:39.600 --> 0:10:41.600 speaking from a place where it's not that hard yet. 0:10:42.160 --> 0:10:45.360 I know that when he gets older and he is 0:10:45.400 --> 0:10:48.000 throwing temper tantrum in public, or he's not behaving how 0:10:48.080 --> 0:10:52.199 he should be behaving at whatever thing we're at, that's 0:10:52.480 --> 0:10:56.480 really where conscious parenting is going to be challenged and 0:10:56.559 --> 0:11:03.439 hopefully utilized and and made stronger because it is an opportunity. 0:11:03.480 --> 0:11:06.640 But the problem is, what about everyone else raising my son? 0:11:07.440 --> 0:11:11.760 How do you work with families where it's very difficult 0:11:11.840 --> 0:11:14.120 to get maybe one person on board, but the spouse 0:11:14.200 --> 0:11:16.240 isn't on board, or the nanny. I mean, how do 0:11:16.320 --> 0:11:19.240 you fashion like this? Right? So just understand that just 0:11:19.360 --> 0:11:22.680 because it's your conscious doesn't mean you're not taking action. 0:11:23.120 --> 0:11:25.920 So if your kid is throwing a tantrum, you will 0:11:26.400 --> 0:11:29.600 still address it, but in a very different way. First, 0:11:29.640 --> 0:11:33.000 you won't be reactive. You won't take it personally. Of course, 0:11:33.000 --> 0:11:35.559 in your in your head, your your little mind may 0:11:35.640 --> 0:11:37.959 get you know, all upset and your ego. Of course 0:11:37.960 --> 0:11:40.960 you care in your mind, but you know better as 0:11:40.960 --> 0:11:43.760 a conscious to return to the breath, to not take 0:11:43.800 --> 0:11:47.160 it personally, and to help your kids through their big feelings, 0:11:47.440 --> 0:11:49.680 because children just have big feelings that they don't know 0:11:49.720 --> 0:11:52.760 how to deal with, and they need control. They're feeling 0:11:52.800 --> 0:11:55.400 out of control, that's all it is. But we get 0:11:55.440 --> 0:11:57.880 so threatened by their need for control, then we upper 0:11:57.920 --> 0:12:00.680 control and now we have a power struggle. So that's 0:12:00.720 --> 0:12:03.679 one thing, and then dealing with unconscious people around you 0:12:04.120 --> 0:12:08.559 is extremely hard. So I have always been misunderstood. People 0:12:08.559 --> 0:12:10.679 have always told me that I am a bad parent 0:12:10.840 --> 0:12:13.760 because I'm not doing things how they think I need 0:12:13.800 --> 0:12:18.000 to do it. Oh, always, because they believe in control 0:12:18.080 --> 0:12:20.520 and domination and time outs and I don't believe in 0:12:20.520 --> 0:12:22.760 any of that. So I look like a loser parent 0:12:22.840 --> 0:12:25.520 in front of them, and my kid is out of control? 0:12:25.600 --> 0:12:27.800 Is that real? Like response you would get, like if 0:12:27.840 --> 0:12:30.600 your daughter was acting out or something wetting her in 0:12:30.600 --> 0:12:36.520 a time out? Completely and so completely I've been judged, 0:12:36.679 --> 0:12:39.280 maybe just still a few days ago when I don't react. 0:12:39.640 --> 0:12:41.679 My daughter was at a party. The police were called. 0:12:41.760 --> 0:12:44.200 His fifteen and a half now, But she handled it. 0:12:44.559 --> 0:12:46.839 But she handled it so well. However, all her friends 0:12:46.840 --> 0:12:50.880 were vomiting and and my husband got upset like usually 0:12:50.960 --> 0:12:54.800 sender you you you you, and all I could see 0:12:54.840 --> 0:12:57.719 was her strength, Like this was amazing. I was doing 0:12:57.800 --> 0:13:01.520 understand what he was talking about. So it's diametrically opposite 0:13:01.800 --> 0:13:07.000 from mainstream and it is lonely. But once you get it, 0:13:07.120 --> 0:13:08.920 you can't go back, Like I can't go back to 0:13:08.960 --> 0:13:11.600 mainstream ever again. So it doesn't matter to me if 0:13:11.600 --> 0:13:14.560 I get disapproved or people's scoff or people laughs. Do 0:13:14.559 --> 0:13:16.800 you think it's affected your daughter as far as like 0:13:17.800 --> 0:13:21.520 is she good at knowing bound? I mean, I'm selfishly 0:13:21.559 --> 0:13:23.480 asking for myself because like I'm like, okay, if I'm 0:13:23.559 --> 0:13:28.320 choosing to raise Audie in a conscious parents style, what 0:13:28.440 --> 0:13:31.079 type of adult is that going to make? But who 0:13:31.080 --> 0:13:33.520 have you seen? Like how does it work? But yeah, 0:13:33.559 --> 0:13:37.280 but you can't again focus on the other because they 0:13:37.320 --> 0:13:41.280 will they will be raised according to the tune of 0:13:41.320 --> 0:13:44.240 their authentic destiny. You are here to usher them to 0:13:44.320 --> 0:13:47.560 that destiny with love, with support, with presence, but you're 0:13:47.600 --> 0:13:50.040 not invested in how they turn out to be. So 0:13:50.120 --> 0:13:53.960 I'm really not invested. So for example, it was my say, 0:13:54.120 --> 0:13:58.280 was my daughter, I don't care if care not, I 0:13:58.320 --> 0:14:02.280 don't care. It's if I care it's my ego that cares, 0:14:02.320 --> 0:14:05.040 because my ego would feel good to know she's secure. 0:14:05.440 --> 0:14:08.920 But who's to say if her path is If her 0:14:08.960 --> 0:14:11.480 path is secuitous and she first wants to be homeless 0:14:11.559 --> 0:14:14.920 in a third world country and then, you know, and 0:14:14.960 --> 0:14:16.640 then ends up in jail, I don't know. I'm just 0:14:16.640 --> 0:14:20.160 being extreme right now. Who's to say that path doesn't 0:14:20.200 --> 0:14:22.960 ultimately make her more mother trees and then mother trees. 0:14:23.080 --> 0:14:25.560 I don't know, We don't know, you know. So these 0:14:25.560 --> 0:14:30.680 are all projection projections, So we do. We don't, of 0:14:30.680 --> 0:14:33.400 course take our kids to drugs, and we don't offer 0:14:33.440 --> 0:14:36.920 them alcohol. We definitely teach them the ill effects of 0:14:36.960 --> 0:14:40.800 everything and the blessings of living. It's not about being 0:14:41.080 --> 0:14:45.240 less a fair It's about having wisdom and the detachment 0:14:45.280 --> 0:14:48.280 of your ego in their life. Their life is their life. 0:14:48.320 --> 0:14:50.680 So say my daughter had called and she had been vomiting, 0:14:51.160 --> 0:14:53.040 then I would look at it as an opportunity to 0:14:53.400 --> 0:14:58.040 re educate, to rehall, to reconnect. Everything is an opportunity 0:14:58.240 --> 0:15:01.280 to come back to center. So fear is not the 0:15:01.360 --> 0:15:04.200 response you see, and fear is the typical response of 0:15:04.240 --> 0:15:06.960 the typical parent. I refuse to go into fear now, 0:15:07.000 --> 0:15:09.600 do I get scared sometimes? Of course. Do I caution 0:15:09.640 --> 0:15:12.000 her all the time, of course, But I won't be 0:15:12.040 --> 0:15:15.200 trapped in fear, and her future will certainly not be 0:15:15.560 --> 0:15:18.920 my obsession. My future will be my obsession because I 0:15:18.960 --> 0:15:23.480 need to fix myself. If I embody consciousness, that's the 0:15:23.520 --> 0:15:25.760 best thing I can do for everyone around me. Now, 0:15:25.880 --> 0:15:28.200 she chooses to wake up to it, she chooses to 0:15:28.240 --> 0:15:31.720 embrace it, or she chooses to experiment in some other way. 0:15:31.920 --> 0:15:34.640 I'm here for her on her life path. So this 0:15:34.720 --> 0:15:38.760 is the philosophy, you know, the way here spirits ushering spirits. 0:15:39.280 --> 0:15:42.320 They just happen to be smaller and less mighty. But 0:15:42.400 --> 0:15:45.360 my daughter is more strong than me. Yes, she can 0:15:45.400 --> 0:15:48.280 like you're not here to write, and you're here to 0:15:48.360 --> 0:15:52.680 usher alongside them and to lovingly and spiritual guide them. 0:15:52.680 --> 0:15:56.240 But you're not here to to control their life. And 0:15:56.520 --> 0:15:59.160 I don't want her to live a controlled, prescribed life. 0:15:59.320 --> 0:16:07.800 I wanted to if mistake filled, unordinary, non traditional, fully experimented, 0:16:07.920 --> 0:16:12.080 fully alive, fully well lived life, I don't want to. 0:16:12.200 --> 0:16:14.760 I've not given her prescription. I didn't tell her who 0:16:14.920 --> 0:16:16.720 to pray to. I didn't give her agard to believe 0:16:16.720 --> 0:16:19.400 in I really didn't give her any of that, but 0:16:19.480 --> 0:16:22.320 she knows right from wrong because right from wrong doesn't 0:16:22.320 --> 0:16:25.600 come from external sources. It comes from a spirit connected 0:16:25.640 --> 0:16:28.000 to their own heart. So if your kid is connected 0:16:28.040 --> 0:16:31.320 to their own heart, they won't harm anyone else, So 0:16:31.360 --> 0:16:34.360 it doesn't We've been fooled to think that all these 0:16:34.360 --> 0:16:38.480 external prescriptions create a good self, you know, And what 0:16:38.640 --> 0:16:40.760 is a good self? You know? So I've turned everything 0:16:41.080 --> 0:16:44.920 on its head and I challenge all prescriptions because I've 0:16:44.920 --> 0:16:48.240 seen their futility and I see how people just hold 0:16:48.240 --> 0:16:50.680 on to them like a raft in in turbulent waters, 0:16:51.160 --> 0:16:54.640 only because we're afraid. We're all afraid, afraid really of 0:16:54.760 --> 0:16:57.240 the inevitability of our death. Really, at the end of 0:16:57.240 --> 0:17:06.720 the death, we that do you feel? So you behaving 0:17:07.000 --> 0:17:12.199 and existing in this fashion alone is enough to influence 0:17:12.240 --> 0:17:14.720 the other caretakers around you. I mean, I'm personally asking 0:17:14.720 --> 0:17:17.120 me because I have a nanny a husband, so like, yeah, no, 0:17:17.440 --> 0:17:20.320 you know what I mean. It's no unfortunately thought shit, 0:17:20.640 --> 0:17:24.040 I think this was a huge and continuing to be 0:17:24.119 --> 0:17:28.280 a very humbling, humbling experience, Like I think because I'm 0:17:28.320 --> 0:17:32.840 also being traveling alongside my husband, who I have chosen 0:17:33.560 --> 0:17:39.040 to make a child with. But remember whoever you choose, nanny, husband, mother, father, 0:17:41.400 --> 0:17:45.920 if there is contrast, meaning you're a clashing means there's 0:17:45.960 --> 0:17:48.600 something for you to learn, and you're learning through contrast. 0:17:49.160 --> 0:17:52.120 And most of us in our first four years, because 0:17:52.119 --> 0:17:57.640 we were raised devoid of worth, we typically will choose 0:17:57.680 --> 0:18:01.920 people of contrast where there's conflict, whether it's back and forth, 0:18:01.960 --> 0:18:05.679 where there's argument and let's let's talk about it. We 0:18:05.720 --> 0:18:08.560 don't because we haven't yet learned to flow with our 0:18:08.560 --> 0:18:12.960 own authentic selves. We're really living false sells. So we're 0:18:13.000 --> 0:18:15.440 going to attract lots of people who also are living 0:18:15.440 --> 0:18:18.440 in false seals. So we're all going to clash as 0:18:18.520 --> 0:18:20.680 we evolve. And I've seen this happen in my own life. 0:18:21.640 --> 0:18:24.840 Those people kind of dissipate and then you begin attracting 0:18:24.840 --> 0:18:28.400 more synergistic people, more aligning people who you flow with. 0:18:28.840 --> 0:18:31.640 But this is the problems number. It's I think it's 0:18:31.680 --> 0:18:37.880 after forty, like late forties. Alright, guys, this is really 0:18:37.960 --> 0:18:42.880 because you have to evolve. Evolution takes time, so there 0:18:42.880 --> 0:18:44.800 has to be a passage of time. You know, I 0:18:44.800 --> 0:18:48.080 started meditating at twenty one. It didn't matter. I still 0:18:48.080 --> 0:18:51.560 fell into cultural prescriptions and still had to evolve. So 0:18:51.600 --> 0:18:54.879 to answer your question, it's not about influencing everyone. This 0:18:54.960 --> 0:18:58.200 was my biggest and continues to be my most humbling 0:18:58.560 --> 0:19:01.239 experience because I have so many people who learned from me, 0:19:01.760 --> 0:19:03.399 but the ones who I want to learn from me 0:19:03.520 --> 0:19:06.320 may not. So I can't pick and choose who's ready 0:19:06.359 --> 0:19:09.880 for consciousness. I can just only shine with my own light, 0:19:10.480 --> 0:19:13.000 and it's annoying as hell, but this is what you 0:19:13.040 --> 0:19:15.239 have to Just keep coming back to shine with your 0:19:15.280 --> 0:19:18.720 own light. Don't interfere in another's path. Everyone's path is 0:19:18.720 --> 0:19:21.440 their own path. They have a right to their own consciousness. 0:19:21.720 --> 0:19:23.600 You just stay in your lane, you know. So I 0:19:23.640 --> 0:19:26.920 just keep telling myself that because otherwise you keep wanting 0:19:26.920 --> 0:19:30.600 everyone else to change. And no one owes you transformation, 0:19:31.080 --> 0:19:33.880 no one owes you, no one owes you anything. So 0:19:34.160 --> 0:19:36.879 just because I'm talking consciousness doesn't mean people owe me 0:19:37.160 --> 0:19:41.639 to be conscious too bad? Yeah, what about in the 0:19:41.760 --> 0:19:44.760 same way, like teachers in school, I mean the teachers 0:19:44.760 --> 0:19:47.720 look at you like what the hell? Like has that 0:19:47.800 --> 0:19:49.720 ever happened? When you're a kid? Like I know you 0:19:49.760 --> 0:19:53.159 mentioned this event because she's fifteen and a half. That happened. 0:19:53.200 --> 0:19:56.040 But like, have did you notice when she was growing 0:19:56.160 --> 0:19:58.520 up and in school, like well, well a lot of 0:19:58.560 --> 0:20:01.800 other parents or teachers who all stressed out about grades 0:20:01.920 --> 0:20:04.360 or yes, let's talk about this. This is a huge 0:20:04.359 --> 0:20:08.360 cultural scripture grades. I mean, I just looked at eight 0:20:08.440 --> 0:20:12.080 or nine preschools in Los Angeles and it's like it's 0:20:12.119 --> 0:20:16.359 just very already lining up with chores and jobs and 0:20:16.359 --> 0:20:19.359 like all this stuff and and and it's interesting because 0:20:19.359 --> 0:20:22.800 I'm a little bit more I'm gonna go with the flow, 0:20:22.920 --> 0:20:26.280 I think, although no, I super have anxiety. I don't know, 0:20:26.560 --> 0:20:29.800 but I but I I don't know, is what A 0:20:29.880 --> 0:20:31.639 lot of my answer like, I'm figuring it out, Like 0:20:31.680 --> 0:20:34.760 I'm just trying to figure out what feels right to 0:20:34.840 --> 0:20:38.399 how to raise a kid. But you're very soon realized 0:20:38.440 --> 0:20:43.040 that apparently every parent knows. This is how I was two. 0:20:43.080 --> 0:20:45.199 At the age of eight, I took my daughter for 0:20:45.240 --> 0:20:47.720 her first ballet class and they said they're going to 0:20:47.720 --> 0:20:49.280 put her with the four year old. And I said, 0:20:49.320 --> 0:20:52.960 what do you mean? Apparently all the parents knew to 0:20:53.119 --> 0:20:58.600 start kids at far. She didn't, like, are you and 0:20:58.720 --> 0:21:02.080 I didn't know? So apparently this we'll figure it out 0:21:02.119 --> 0:21:05.399 and this time is not the way, but but it's 0:21:05.640 --> 0:21:08.239 it's the right thing, let me tell you because but 0:21:08.280 --> 0:21:10.920 it was fascinating to me when I came out of 0:21:11.040 --> 0:21:13.880 you know, my little wooden boxes at home and home 0:21:13.960 --> 0:21:16.760 grown everything, and came out into the real world to see, Oh, 0:21:16.920 --> 0:21:18.920 let me try and enroll her in a few classes. 0:21:19.320 --> 0:21:21.359 She was way behind the curve by eight, like I 0:21:21.400 --> 0:21:24.600 had already disadvantaged my kid, and I wanted to know 0:21:25.000 --> 0:21:29.920 how did all the other parents know, because having a meltdown, 0:21:30.119 --> 0:21:32.399 I was terrified. I was like, what if I got 0:21:33.400 --> 0:21:36.480 crippled my child already? But she's so way behind now, 0:21:36.640 --> 0:21:39.520 like she can only do solo activities because all the 0:21:39.520 --> 0:21:42.800 group activities she's behind. So she did horse fighting and tennis. 0:21:42.840 --> 0:21:46.479 I mean, what did one racket and one horse? One animal? 0:21:46.720 --> 0:21:50.040 Because all the group activities she was behind. She was 0:21:50.119 --> 0:21:51.960 a four year old. Yeah, I hope she doesn't hear this. 0:21:52.000 --> 0:21:54.119 I've just told her she loves horses and loves tennis, 0:21:54.119 --> 0:21:56.160 and I've put that into her. But really, she didn't 0:21:56.200 --> 0:22:00.560 get into anything else because she was so behind. Please, 0:22:00.680 --> 0:22:03.680 but everybody is doing things at three and four. If 0:22:03.680 --> 0:22:06.800 you're saying everything is so overscheduled, it's it's really it. 0:22:06.960 --> 0:22:10.320 But but here's where I empower parents out of out 0:22:10.320 --> 0:22:13.399 of my own legacy of shame that you know, you 0:22:13.560 --> 0:22:17.320 don't buy into this, This is an insane culture. Don't 0:22:17.359 --> 0:22:20.000 buy into it. Don't buy into it. And the moment 0:22:20.040 --> 0:22:22.280 you don't, and you free yourself and extricated, and of 0:22:22.280 --> 0:22:25.080