1 00:00:05,120 --> 00:00:10,559 Speaker 1: Hi, everybody, and welcome to Katie's Crib. This is this 2 00:00:10,640 --> 00:00:13,560 Speaker 1: is just a very very very special episode. This is 3 00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:16,360 Speaker 1: a special episode. We have one guest and one guest only, 4 00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:20,040 Speaker 1: and her name is Dr Safali Sabari and she is 5 00:00:20,160 --> 00:00:23,440 Speaker 1: a clinical psychologist who specializes in the integration of Eastern 6 00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:26,880 Speaker 1: philosophy and Western psychology. She is the author of three books, 7 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:29,680 Speaker 1: The Conscious Parent, out of Control, and The Awakened Family. 8 00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:33,000 Speaker 1: Here's how I came to know her. I got pregnant 9 00:00:33,040 --> 00:00:36,720 Speaker 1: on Scandal. I went to Carrie Washington, who, as we know, 10 00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:40,519 Speaker 1: is the most incredible actress, mother activist. I mean, the 11 00:00:40,520 --> 00:00:42,840 Speaker 1: girl is just incredible. And I said, oh my gosh, 12 00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:46,560 Speaker 1: I'm sitting here amongst piles of how to parent books 13 00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:48,440 Speaker 1: and I don't know what to do, and I'm very overwhelmed, 14 00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:51,559 Speaker 1: and I'm pregnant. And CARRY said, if you're going to 15 00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:54,120 Speaker 1: read one book, and only one book, it has to 16 00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:59,360 Speaker 1: be The Conscious Parent. And the book blew my mind. 17 00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:02,560 Speaker 1: And I am sitting now across from you, staring into 18 00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:05,600 Speaker 1: your gorgeous eyes in Great neck Long Island, you guys, 19 00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:07,360 Speaker 1: which is literally the town next to where I grew 20 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:10,080 Speaker 1: up in nor Washington. Um, thank you. So much for 21 00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:13,560 Speaker 1: being here. Of course it is. It's such an honor 22 00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:17,560 Speaker 1: to meet you. I am a super fan. Um. So 23 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:21,880 Speaker 1: this book The Conscious Parent that you guys run, don't walk, 24 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:27,039 Speaker 1: um to read? What is the Conscious Parent? That's? What 25 00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:29,240 Speaker 1: is that? The first question you get from everybody. Sure, 26 00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:33,640 Speaker 1: And then I get an indignant affirmation from these parents 27 00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:38,240 Speaker 1: saying I'm conscious. I'm already conscious. So then we have 28 00:01:38,319 --> 00:01:43,160 Speaker 1: to deconstruct what consciousness really means. And I'll just tell 29 00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:46,240 Speaker 1: you a little bit about the inspiration behind the Conscious Parent. 30 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:51,480 Speaker 1: You know, having been a meditator for almost fifteen years 31 00:01:51,520 --> 00:01:56,000 Speaker 1: before I had a child, I was exposed to the 32 00:01:56,040 --> 00:01:59,560 Speaker 1: concept that we have this thing called the ego. And 33 00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:03,840 Speaker 1: this ego is a false self, a false persona that 34 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:10,079 Speaker 1: gets created because our intrinsic, innate self was never seen, heard, understood, 35 00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:12,959 Speaker 1: or validated by our parents. And all of us had 36 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:17,680 Speaker 1: very unconscious parents, so they pass on this unconsciousness to us, 37 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:21,400 Speaker 1: and because we want to preserve and thrive and survive, 38 00:02:21,840 --> 00:02:24,440 Speaker 1: we create this false self called the ego. Now, the 39 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:27,760 Speaker 1: ego is not who we truly are, and we talked 40 00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:30,800 Speaker 1: about who we truly are. It's the things we think 41 00:02:30,919 --> 00:02:34,400 Speaker 1: we should be which society tells us. Culture tells us, 42 00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:36,440 Speaker 1: So we should be beautiful, we should be skinny, we 43 00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:39,120 Speaker 1: should be tall, we should be short, whatever it is, 44 00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:43,880 Speaker 1: the flavor of the culture's day, whichever culture, whatever, the 45 00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:48,120 Speaker 1: the most exalted qualities are. So we grow up thriving 46 00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:51,839 Speaker 1: to be that in order to feel validated. And it's 47 00:02:51,919 --> 00:02:57,280 Speaker 1: this thirst to fill the inner self that actually propels 48 00:02:57,880 --> 00:03:01,520 Speaker 1: most of our life. And we don't realize that we're 49 00:03:01,639 --> 00:03:04,600 Speaker 1: doing things because we're hungry, and it's coming from lack 50 00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:08,200 Speaker 1: and which is really fair, And so we're not doing 51 00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:11,480 Speaker 1: things because it's truly us. We're doing things because we 52 00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:15,400 Speaker 1: think we should. And having children is one of them, 53 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:20,000 Speaker 1: getting married is another. All of these prescriptions one after 54 00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:23,280 Speaker 1: the other. And so then we have kids, and then 55 00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:25,640 Speaker 1: we think we're having kids because the kids wanted to 56 00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:28,919 Speaker 1: be saved from wherever hell they were at, but it's 57 00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:31,639 Speaker 1: not true. They were fine wherever they were at. We 58 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:34,040 Speaker 1: think we should have kids because we have it on 59 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:36,760 Speaker 1: our checklist, because it's one more thing we think we 60 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:39,880 Speaker 1: should do um and of course we want to have kids, 61 00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:41,800 Speaker 1: but I don't know how many of us really deconstruct. 62 00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:48,600 Speaker 1: So then consciousness becomes about really becoming aware of who 63 00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:52,360 Speaker 1: it is you are and who it is you've been 64 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:56,720 Speaker 1: playing all these roles you've been playing because you really can't. 65 00:03:58,640 --> 00:04:01,560 Speaker 1: You cannot raise a con just child unless you, yourself 66 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:04,120 Speaker 1: are conscious. Yeah, this has nothing to do with the child. 67 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:08,400 Speaker 1: This is okay. So the word all has to do 68 00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:10,680 Speaker 1: with me. I knew. And the conscious is about you 69 00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:14,240 Speaker 1: realizing that you have been playing to your false self, 70 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:17,039 Speaker 1: and you've been raising a false self within you, And 71 00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:19,360 Speaker 1: if you don't become conscious of that, you will then 72 00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:24,040 Speaker 1: negate and dismiss and eviscerate the true self and the child, 73 00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:27,080 Speaker 1: and raise the child to now play to the tune 74 00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:29,040 Speaker 1: of your false self. And this is what we do, 75 00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:32,919 Speaker 1: We've been doing for generations. Every generation lives false and 76 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:36,400 Speaker 1: raises false and we have a culture of false right right? 77 00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:39,600 Speaker 1: How what is the kind of work that a parent 78 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:42,560 Speaker 1: can do to get to be conscious, to consider them? 79 00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:44,520 Speaker 1: You know, if if, if, if I'm going to raise 80 00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:48,640 Speaker 1: my son to be a conscious being, and I want 81 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:50,479 Speaker 1: to start with me, which is what it sounds like 82 00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:53,000 Speaker 1: I have to do? How do I do that? Yeah? 83 00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:55,960 Speaker 1: Well it's there's a simple answer and then a complex answer. 84 00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:59,840 Speaker 1: The simple answer is understand that every time you react 85 00:04:59,839 --> 00:05:03,719 Speaker 1: to your child, it's because of something that the child 86 00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:06,520 Speaker 1: has re evoked in you. So it's not the child's 87 00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:10,200 Speaker 1: bad behavior, the child's temper, tantrum, or the child triggering you. 88 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:14,400 Speaker 1: It's because you have an in avoid within that gets 89 00:05:15,279 --> 00:05:19,000 Speaker 1: awakened and triggered by your child. So it's all you. 90 00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:22,240 Speaker 1: So that's the simple answer, Okay, to to know it's 91 00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:26,880 Speaker 1: all you, at least start turning the spotlight within. And 92 00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:30,440 Speaker 1: then the complex answer is you have to undertake a process. 93 00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:32,400 Speaker 1: You have to go through a journey. Right, It's like 94 00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:34,800 Speaker 1: going to the gym. Do you go one time or 95 00:05:34,839 --> 00:05:37,440 Speaker 1: do you commit to a lifestyle? So it's a lifestyle 96 00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:42,240 Speaker 1: of awakening, a lifestyle of self help and deconstruction and 97 00:05:42,279 --> 00:05:44,680 Speaker 1: healing your childhood wounds. It's it's a lot of work. 98 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:48,160 Speaker 1: When we talk about making a lifestyle change, like it's 99 00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:55,159 Speaker 1: the gym, Like that would include what feels right for you, meditation, therapy, yoga. 100 00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:57,480 Speaker 1: I don't know or these the types of things that 101 00:05:57,520 --> 00:06:01,040 Speaker 1: we're using. I don't know how much you a god necessarily, 102 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:04,400 Speaker 1: but yoga is a great exercise, yes, and it does 103 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:07,200 Speaker 1: bring you into the ground at present moment. But I 104 00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:09,919 Speaker 1: think what you What everybody realizes when they have a 105 00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:13,560 Speaker 1: child is that the child lives in the present moment 106 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:18,520 Speaker 1: like no other, and we don't. So there's a huge discrepancy, 107 00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:23,160 Speaker 1: there's a huge mismatch, misalignment. So we're always out of 108 00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:27,040 Speaker 1: sync with our children. If you know, you know, especially infants, 109 00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:30,680 Speaker 1: they're so in the moment, and they don't care that 110 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:33,039 Speaker 1: you have a party, They don't care that they just 111 00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:36,840 Speaker 1: vomited on your beautiful dress. They teach you to strip 112 00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:40,080 Speaker 1: yourself of all those ego attachments I was talking about. 113 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:43,839 Speaker 1: They teach you be in the moment. Mom Who are 114 00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:46,839 Speaker 1: you without that? So let go of your party, let 115 00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:50,240 Speaker 1: go of your phone, let go and the outfit, all 116 00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:53,559 Speaker 1: your machinations in your mind, and focus on me now here. 117 00:06:54,279 --> 00:06:57,360 Speaker 1: And because they're so impetuous, they really make you keep 118 00:06:57,440 --> 00:07:00,520 Speaker 1: up with them, meaning moment after moment. So all the 119 00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:04,920 Speaker 1: spiritual wisdom that you learned through meditation gets applied in parenting. 120 00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:07,839 Speaker 1: So when I mean what I mean by a lifestyle changes, 121 00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:10,440 Speaker 1: you begin to see that you're not in tune with 122 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:12,680 Speaker 1: your child. If you're an aware of person, and you 123 00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:15,160 Speaker 1: begin to see that you're frustrated with your children, not 124 00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:18,440 Speaker 1: because of them. But because of your inability to slow down, 125 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:20,880 Speaker 1: drop your agenda, be in the moment, and have the flow, 126 00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:24,200 Speaker 1: you might be having like a totally disproportionate reaction to 127 00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:27,880 Speaker 1: something small because because you just read an email that 128 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:30,840 Speaker 1: stressed you the hell out something at work. Then they 129 00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:32,680 Speaker 1: throw something on the floor and all of a sudden, 130 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:37,520 Speaker 1: you're so piste exactly and it has you know you 131 00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:41,560 Speaker 1: are not there with your kid with exactly what they 132 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:44,320 Speaker 1: just did. Correct When many parents are oblivious to the 133 00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:46,760 Speaker 1: fact that they're not present, they just presume it's the 134 00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:49,360 Speaker 1: kid and they fix the kid, and they blame the kid, 135 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:51,400 Speaker 1: and they shamed the kid. So my work is all 136 00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:55,720 Speaker 1: about toppling that paradigm and making the parent have the 137 00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:58,440 Speaker 1: onus to turn the spotlight within. No, what is it 138 00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:01,680 Speaker 1: about you? How did you react? Why did you react? 139 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:04,160 Speaker 1: It's nothing to do with your child. It's all about 140 00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:09,200 Speaker 1: raising yourself. Oh my god, it's all about raising yourself, guys. 141 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:13,120 Speaker 1: But it's complex, yes, but it's for for me. It 142 00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:17,000 Speaker 1: really when I read The Conscious Parent, it really took 143 00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:23,560 Speaker 1: in some ways the pressure off, because I all of 144 00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:26,400 Speaker 1: a sudden felt less responsibility, like I have to teach 145 00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:29,240 Speaker 1: him everything. I know because good Lord, I don't know 146 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:31,960 Speaker 1: a lot of stuff, like when he asks me difficult 147 00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:35,760 Speaker 1: questions in the future like what is God? Or why 148 00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:38,280 Speaker 1: is this person mean to this person? Or something like 149 00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:39,960 Speaker 1: there's going to be a lot of times where I 150 00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:43,000 Speaker 1: I don't know the answer. I really don't. And there's 151 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:45,520 Speaker 1: a huge topic in your book about you know, my 152 00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:47,600 Speaker 1: son is here to teach me. You know, my son 153 00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:50,720 Speaker 1: is here to bring me to another level of consciousness. 154 00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:54,280 Speaker 1: My son has been born because he's my greatest teacher 155 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:57,599 Speaker 1: um And so it for me that might truss some 156 00:08:57,679 --> 00:09:02,080 Speaker 1: people out. For me, I felt incredibly a weightlifted, like 157 00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:06,000 Speaker 1: I didn't have this responsibility to teach him the ABC 158 00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:08,200 Speaker 1: is and how to divide and also I mean, please 159 00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:10,360 Speaker 1: let them learn that stuff. But like whatever I mean, 160 00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:13,400 Speaker 1: I was a terrible math student myself. But because you're 161 00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:15,880 Speaker 1: an easy going parent and you were okay with giving 162 00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:19,640 Speaker 1: up that control, many people aren't. They want the pedestal 163 00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:22,560 Speaker 1: of being superior and being the ones who know, and 164 00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:24,800 Speaker 1: they want to fix the kid. It's very hard for 165 00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:27,680 Speaker 1: them to turn all that onto them and kind of 166 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:30,560 Speaker 1: fix themselves. So but I hear you. It's it's a 167 00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:32,880 Speaker 1: relieving message for me too, And many people who get 168 00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:35,240 Speaker 1: it say the same thing. A weight is lifted off 169 00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:38,120 Speaker 1: my shoulders. This is the only way to parent, because 170 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:41,400 Speaker 1: it is actually the truth is everything in life is 171 00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:45,040 Speaker 1: only about us. Nothing is happening to us against us. 172 00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:48,439 Speaker 1: Nobody is here to ruin our lives. It's all about 173 00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:51,320 Speaker 1: our ability or inability to handle our in her terrain. 174 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:54,920 Speaker 1: And our children show us that more than anything. I mean, 175 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:57,000 Speaker 1: we become one year olds, if they're one year olds, 176 00:09:57,040 --> 00:10:00,079 Speaker 1: we become three year olds and they've become five. Know 177 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:03,920 Speaker 1: we're having temper tantrums because we were never raised in 178 00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:07,520 Speaker 1: our wholeness. So the moment we lose, we feel like 179 00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:10,400 Speaker 1: we're losing control with our children, like they're pressuring us 180 00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:13,320 Speaker 1: too much, or there they're too shy or too withdrawn, 181 00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:15,200 Speaker 1: or making us look bad in front of our friends. 182 00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:17,640 Speaker 1: That's a huge See, that's where I think I'm going 183 00:10:17,679 --> 00:10:21,000 Speaker 1: to fail. Is like, see, I can say all this 184 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:24,679 Speaker 1: and it's wonderful to have a one year old, I'll 185 00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:26,440 Speaker 1: be is about to be one. I can put my 186 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:30,400 Speaker 1: phone down. There's nothing is wonderful to me. Is like 187 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:32,560 Speaker 1: if I get one hour that I'm not working and 188 00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:34,640 Speaker 1: I know that it's going to be a very present 189 00:10:35,679 --> 00:10:37,719 Speaker 1: exchange of an hour, like I'm not going to look 190 00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:39,559 Speaker 1: at my You know I have this, but but I'm 191 00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:41,600 Speaker 1: speaking from a place where it's not that hard yet. 192 00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:45,360 Speaker 1: I know that when he gets older and he is 193 00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:48,000 Speaker 1: throwing temper tantrum in public, or he's not behaving how 194 00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:52,199 Speaker 1: he should be behaving at whatever thing we're at, that's 195 00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:56,480 Speaker 1: really where conscious parenting is going to be challenged and 196 00:10:56,559 --> 00:11:03,439 Speaker 1: hopefully utilized and and made stronger because it is an opportunity. 197 00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:06,640 Speaker 1: But the problem is, what about everyone else raising my son? 198 00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:11,760 Speaker 1: How do you work with families where it's very difficult 199 00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:14,120 Speaker 1: to get maybe one person on board, but the spouse 200 00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:16,240 Speaker 1: isn't on board, or the nanny. I mean, how do 201 00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:19,240 Speaker 1: you fashion like this? Right? So just understand that just 202 00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:22,680 Speaker 1: because it's your conscious doesn't mean you're not taking action. 203 00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:25,920 Speaker 1: So if your kid is throwing a tantrum, you will 204 00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:29,600 Speaker 1: still address it, but in a very different way. First, 205 00:11:29,640 --> 00:11:33,000 Speaker 1: you won't be reactive. You won't take it personally. Of course, 206 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,559 Speaker 1: in your in your head, your your little mind may 207 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:37,959 Speaker 1: get you know, all upset and your ego. Of course 208 00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:40,960 Speaker 1: you care in your mind, but you know better as 209 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:43,760 Speaker 1: a conscious to return to the breath, to not take 210 00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:47,160 Speaker 1: it personally, and to help your kids through their big feelings, 211 00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:49,680 Speaker 1: because children just have big feelings that they don't know 212 00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:52,760 Speaker 1: how to deal with, and they need control. They're feeling 213 00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:55,400 Speaker 1: out of control, that's all it is. But we get 214 00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:57,880 Speaker 1: so threatened by their need for control, then we upper 215 00:11:57,920 --> 00:12:00,680 Speaker 1: control and now we have a power struggle. So that's 216 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,679 Speaker 1: one thing, and then dealing with unconscious people around you 217 00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:08,559 Speaker 1: is extremely hard. So I have always been misunderstood. People 218 00:12:08,559 --> 00:12:10,679 Speaker 1: have always told me that I am a bad parent 219 00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:13,760 Speaker 1: because I'm not doing things how they think I need 220 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:18,000 Speaker 1: to do it. Oh, always, because they believe in control 221 00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:20,520 Speaker 1: and domination and time outs and I don't believe in 222 00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:22,760 Speaker 1: any of that. So I look like a loser parent 223 00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:25,520 Speaker 1: in front of them, and my kid is out of control? 224 00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:27,800 Speaker 1: Is that real? Like response you would get, like if 225 00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:30,600 Speaker 1: your daughter was acting out or something wetting her in 226 00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:36,520 Speaker 1: a time out? Completely and so completely I've been judged, 227 00:12:36,679 --> 00:12:39,280 Speaker 1: maybe just still a few days ago when I don't react. 228 00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:41,679 Speaker 1: My daughter was at a party. The police were called. 229 00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:44,200 Speaker 1: His fifteen and a half now, But she handled it. 230 00:12:44,559 --> 00:12:46,839 Speaker 1: But she handled it so well. However, all her friends 231 00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:50,880 Speaker 1: were vomiting and and my husband got upset like usually 232 00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:54,800 Speaker 1: sender you you you you, and all I could see 233 00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:57,719 Speaker 1: was her strength, Like this was amazing. I was doing 234 00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:01,520 Speaker 1: understand what he was talking about. So it's diametrically opposite 235 00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:07,000 Speaker 1: from mainstream and it is lonely. But once you get it, 236 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,920 Speaker 1: you can't go back, Like I can't go back to 237 00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:11,600 Speaker 1: mainstream ever again. So it doesn't matter to me if 238 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:14,560 Speaker 1: I get disapproved or people's scoff or people laughs. Do 239 00:13:14,559 --> 00:13:16,800 Speaker 1: you think it's affected your daughter as far as like 240 00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:21,520 Speaker 1: is she good at knowing bound? I mean, I'm selfishly 241 00:13:21,559 --> 00:13:23,480 Speaker 1: asking for myself because like I'm like, okay, if I'm 242 00:13:23,559 --> 00:13:28,320 Speaker 1: choosing to raise Audie in a conscious parents style, what 243 00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:31,079 Speaker 1: type of adult is that going to make? But who 244 00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:33,520 Speaker 1: have you seen? Like how does it work? But yeah, 245 00:13:33,559 --> 00:13:37,280 Speaker 1: but you can't again focus on the other because they 246 00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:41,280 Speaker 1: will they will be raised according to the tune of 247 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:44,240 Speaker 1: their authentic destiny. You are here to usher them to 248 00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:47,560 Speaker 1: that destiny with love, with support, with presence, but you're 249 00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:50,040 Speaker 1: not invested in how they turn out to be. So 250 00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:53,960 Speaker 1: I'm really not invested. So for example, it was my say, 251 00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:58,280 Speaker 1: was my daughter, I don't care if care not, I 252 00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:02,280 Speaker 1: don't care. It's if I care it's my ego that cares, 253 00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:05,040 Speaker 1: because my ego would feel good to know she's secure. 254 00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:08,920 Speaker 1: But who's to say if her path is If her 255 00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:11,480 Speaker 1: path is secuitous and she first wants to be homeless 256 00:14:11,559 --> 00:14:14,920 Speaker 1: in a third world country and then, you know, and 257 00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:16,640 Speaker 1: then ends up in jail, I don't know. I'm just 258 00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:20,160 Speaker 1: being extreme right now. Who's to say that path doesn't 259 00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:22,960 Speaker 1: ultimately make her more mother trees and then mother trees. 260 00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:25,560 Speaker 1: I don't know, We don't know, you know. So these 261 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:30,680 Speaker 1: are all projection projections, So we do. We don't, of 262 00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:33,400 Speaker 1: course take our kids to drugs, and we don't offer 263 00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:36,920 Speaker 1: them alcohol. We definitely teach them the ill effects of 264 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:40,800 Speaker 1: everything and the blessings of living. It's not about being 265 00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:45,240 Speaker 1: less a fair It's about having wisdom and the detachment 266 00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:48,280 Speaker 1: of your ego in their life. Their life is their life. 267 00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:50,680 Speaker 1: So say my daughter had called and she had been vomiting, 268 00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:53,040 Speaker 1: then I would look at it as an opportunity to 269 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:58,040 Speaker 1: re educate, to rehall, to reconnect. Everything is an opportunity 270 00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:01,280 Speaker 1: to come back to center. So fear is not the 271 00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:04,200 Speaker 1: response you see, and fear is the typical response of 272 00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:06,960 Speaker 1: the typical parent. I refuse to go into fear now, 273 00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:09,600 Speaker 1: do I get scared sometimes? Of course. Do I caution 274 00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:12,000 Speaker 1: her all the time, of course, But I won't be 275 00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:15,200 Speaker 1: trapped in fear, and her future will certainly not be 276 00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:18,920 Speaker 1: my obsession. My future will be my obsession because I 277 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:23,480 Speaker 1: need to fix myself. If I embody consciousness, that's the 278 00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:25,760 Speaker 1: best thing I can do for everyone around me. Now, 279 00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:28,200 Speaker 1: she chooses to wake up to it, she chooses to 280 00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:31,720 Speaker 1: embrace it, or she chooses to experiment in some other way. 281 00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:34,640 Speaker 1: I'm here for her on her life path. So this 282 00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:38,760 Speaker 1: is the philosophy, you know, the way here spirits ushering spirits. 283 00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:42,320 Speaker 1: They just happen to be smaller and less mighty. But 284 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:45,360 Speaker 1: my daughter is more strong than me. Yes, she can 285 00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:48,280 Speaker 1: like you're not here to write, and you're here to 286 00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:52,680 Speaker 1: usher alongside them and to lovingly and spiritual guide them. 287 00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:56,240 Speaker 1: But you're not here to to control their life. And 288 00:15:56,520 --> 00:15:59,160 Speaker 1: I don't want her to live a controlled, prescribed life. 289 00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:07,800 Speaker 1: I wanted to if mistake filled, unordinary, non traditional, fully experimented, 290 00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:12,080 Speaker 1: fully alive, fully well lived life, I don't want to. 291 00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:14,760 Speaker 1: I've not given her prescription. I didn't tell her who 292 00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:16,720 Speaker 1: to pray to. I didn't give her agard to believe 293 00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:19,400 Speaker 1: in I really didn't give her any of that, but 294 00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:22,320 Speaker 1: she knows right from wrong because right from wrong doesn't 295 00:16:22,320 --> 00:16:25,600 Speaker 1: come from external sources. It comes from a spirit connected 296 00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:28,000 Speaker 1: to their own heart. So if your kid is connected 297 00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:31,320 Speaker 1: to their own heart, they won't harm anyone else, So 298 00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:34,360 Speaker 1: it doesn't We've been fooled to think that all these 299 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:38,480 Speaker 1: external prescriptions create a good self, you know, And what 300 00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:40,760 Speaker 1: is a good self? You know? So I've turned everything 301 00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:44,920 Speaker 1: on its head and I challenge all prescriptions because I've 302 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:48,240 Speaker 1: seen their futility and I see how people just hold 303 00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:50,680 Speaker 1: on to them like a raft in in turbulent waters, 304 00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:54,640 Speaker 1: only because we're afraid. We're all afraid, afraid really of 305 00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:57,240 Speaker 1: the inevitability of our death. Really, at the end of 306 00:16:57,240 --> 00:17:06,720 Speaker 1: the death, we that do you feel? So you behaving 307 00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:12,199 Speaker 1: and existing in this fashion alone is enough to influence 308 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:14,720 Speaker 1: the other caretakers around you. I mean, I'm personally asking 309 00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:17,120 Speaker 1: me because I have a nanny a husband, so like, yeah, no, 310 00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:20,320 Speaker 1: you know what I mean. It's no unfortunately thought shit, 311 00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:24,040 Speaker 1: I think this was a huge and continuing to be 312 00:17:24,119 --> 00:17:28,280 Speaker 1: a very humbling, humbling experience, Like I think because I'm 313 00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:32,840 Speaker 1: also being traveling alongside my husband, who I have chosen 314 00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:39,040 Speaker 1: to make a child with. But remember whoever you choose, nanny, husband, mother, father, 315 00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:45,920 Speaker 1: if there is contrast, meaning you're a clashing means there's 316 00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:48,600 Speaker 1: something for you to learn, and you're learning through contrast. 317 00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:52,120 Speaker 1: And most of us in our first four years, because 318 00:17:52,119 --> 00:17:57,640 Speaker 1: we were raised devoid of worth, we typically will choose 319 00:17:57,680 --> 00:18:01,920 Speaker 1: people of contrast where there's conflict, whether it's back and forth, 320 00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:05,679 Speaker 1: where there's argument and let's let's talk about it. We 321 00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:08,560 Speaker 1: don't because we haven't yet learned to flow with our 322 00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:12,960 Speaker 1: own authentic selves. We're really living false sells. So we're 323 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,440 Speaker 1: going to attract lots of people who also are living 324 00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:18,440 Speaker 1: in false seals. So we're all going to clash as 325 00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:20,680 Speaker 1: we evolve. And I've seen this happen in my own life. 326 00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:24,840 Speaker 1: Those people kind of dissipate and then you begin attracting 327 00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:28,400 Speaker 1: more synergistic people, more aligning people who you flow with. 328 00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:31,640 Speaker 1: But this is the problems number. It's I think it's 329 00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:37,880 Speaker 1: after forty, like late forties. Alright, guys, this is really 330 00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:42,880 Speaker 1: because you have to evolve. Evolution takes time, so there 331 00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:44,800 Speaker 1: has to be a passage of time. You know, I 332 00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:48,080 Speaker 1: started meditating at twenty one. It didn't matter. I still 333 00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:51,560 Speaker 1: fell into cultural prescriptions and still had to evolve. So 334 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:54,879 Speaker 1: to answer your question, it's not about influencing everyone. This 335 00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:58,200 Speaker 1: was my biggest and continues to be my most humbling 336 00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:01,239 Speaker 1: experience because I have so many people who learned from me, 337 00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:03,399 Speaker 1: but the ones who I want to learn from me 338 00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:06,320 Speaker 1: may not. So I can't pick and choose who's ready 339 00:19:06,359 --> 00:19:09,880 Speaker 1: for consciousness. I can just only shine with my own light, 340 00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:13,000 Speaker 1: and it's annoying as hell, but this is what you 341 00:19:13,040 --> 00:19:15,239 Speaker 1: have to Just keep coming back to shine with your 342 00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:18,720 Speaker 1: own light. Don't interfere in another's path. Everyone's path is 343 00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:21,440 Speaker 1: their own path. They have a right to their own consciousness. 344 00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:23,600 Speaker 1: You just stay in your lane, you know. So I 345 00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:26,920 Speaker 1: just keep telling myself that because otherwise you keep wanting 346 00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:30,600 Speaker 1: everyone else to change. And no one owes you transformation, 347 00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:33,880 Speaker 1: no one owes you, no one owes you anything. So 348 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:36,879 Speaker 1: just because I'm talking consciousness doesn't mean people owe me 349 00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:41,639 Speaker 1: to be conscious too bad? Yeah, what about in the 350 00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:44,760 Speaker 1: same way, like teachers in school, I mean the teachers 351 00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:47,720 Speaker 1: look at you like what the hell? Like has that 352 00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:49,720 Speaker 1: ever happened? When you're a kid? Like I know you 353 00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:53,159 Speaker 1: mentioned this event because she's fifteen and a half. That happened. 354 00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:56,040 Speaker 1: But like, have did you notice when she was growing 355 00:19:56,160 --> 00:19:58,520 Speaker 1: up and in school, like well, well a lot of 356 00:19:58,560 --> 00:20:01,800 Speaker 1: other parents or teachers who all stressed out about grades 357 00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:04,360 Speaker 1: or yes, let's talk about this. This is a huge 358 00:20:04,359 --> 00:20:08,360 Speaker 1: cultural scripture grades. I mean, I just looked at eight 359 00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:12,080 Speaker 1: or nine preschools in Los Angeles and it's like it's 360 00:20:12,119 --> 00:20:16,359 Speaker 1: just very already lining up with chores and jobs and 361 00:20:16,359 --> 00:20:19,359 Speaker 1: like all this stuff and and and it's interesting because 362 00:20:19,359 --> 00:20:22,800 Speaker 1: I'm a little bit more I'm gonna go with the flow, 363 00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:26,280 Speaker 1: I think, although no, I super have anxiety. I don't know, 364 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:29,800 Speaker 1: but I but I I don't know, is what A 365 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,639 Speaker 1: lot of my answer like, I'm figuring it out, Like 366 00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:34,760 Speaker 1: I'm just trying to figure out what feels right to 367 00:20:34,840 --> 00:20:38,399 Speaker 1: how to raise a kid. But you're very soon realized 368 00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:43,040 Speaker 1: that apparently every parent knows. This is how I was two. 369 00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:45,199 Speaker 1: At the age of eight, I took my daughter for 370 00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:47,720 Speaker 1: her first ballet class and they said they're going to 371 00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:49,280 Speaker 1: put her with the four year old. And I said, 372 00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:52,960 Speaker 1: what do you mean? Apparently all the parents knew to 373 00:20:53,119 --> 00:20:58,600 Speaker 1: start kids at far. She didn't, like, are you and 374 00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:02,080 Speaker 1: I didn't know? So apparently this we'll figure it out 375 00:21:02,119 --> 00:21:05,399 Speaker 1: and this time is not the way, but but it's 376 00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:08,239 Speaker 1: it's the right thing, let me tell you because but 377 00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:10,920 Speaker 1: it was fascinating to me when I came out of 378 00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:13,880 Speaker 1: you know, my little wooden boxes at home and home 379 00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:16,760 Speaker 1: grown everything, and came out into the real world to see, Oh, 380 00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:18,920 Speaker 1: let me try and enroll her in a few classes. 381 00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:21,359 Speaker 1: She was way behind the curve by eight, like I 382 00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:24,600 Speaker 1: had already disadvantaged my kid, and I wanted to know 383 00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:29,920 Speaker 1: how did all the other parents know, because having a meltdown, 384 00:21:30,119 --> 00:21:32,399 Speaker 1: I was terrified. I was like, what if I got 385 00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:36,480 Speaker 1: crippled my child already? But she's so way behind now, 386 00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:39,520 Speaker 1: like she can only do solo activities because all the 387 00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:42,800 Speaker 1: group activities she's behind. So she did horse fighting and tennis. 388 00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:46,479 Speaker 1: I mean, what did one racket and one horse? One animal? 389 00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:50,040 Speaker 1: Because all the group activities she was behind. She was 390 00:21:50,119 --> 00:21:51,960 Speaker 1: a four year old. Yeah, I hope she doesn't hear this. 391 00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:54,119 Speaker 1: I've just told her she loves horses and loves tennis, 392 00:21:54,119 --> 00:21:56,160 Speaker 1: and I've put that into her. But really, she didn't 393 00:21:56,200 --> 00:22:00,560 Speaker 1: get into anything else because she was so behind. Please, 394 00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:03,680 Speaker 1: but everybody is doing things at three and four. If 395 00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:06,800 Speaker 1: you're saying everything is so overscheduled, it's it's really it. 396 00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:10,320 Speaker 1: But but here's where I empower parents out of out 397 00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:13,399 Speaker 1: of my own legacy of shame that you know, you 398 00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:17,320 Speaker 1: don't buy into this, This is an insane culture. Don't 399 00:22:17,359 --> 00:22:20,000 Speaker 1: buy into it. Don't buy into it. And the moment 400 00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:22,280 Speaker 1: you don't, and you free yourself and extricated, and of 401 00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:25,080 Speaker 1: course work on all the insecurities that come up because 402 00:22:25,080 --> 00:22:28,439 Speaker 1: you're the odd one out. You realize that, oh, I 403 00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:31,600 Speaker 1: don't have to subscribe to all this anxiety and all 404 00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:34,320 Speaker 1: this achievement pressure. I want to live my life differently. 405 00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:37,359 Speaker 1: So yes, I live my life differently. My daughter may 406 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,320 Speaker 1: never go to college, she may never you know, learn 407 00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:44,959 Speaker 1: anything dollars exactly, but she'll be but she won't be 408 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:47,639 Speaker 1: anxious as much, she won't be pressured as much. But 409 00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:50,920 Speaker 1: most importantly, she will learn to tune into her own 410 00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:54,679 Speaker 1: rhythm and find experiences that match to who she is 411 00:22:55,359 --> 00:22:57,760 Speaker 1: versus filling up a college application and what looks good 412 00:22:57,800 --> 00:23:03,359 Speaker 1: on that. Talk to me about this awesome, that, this 413 00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:06,640 Speaker 1: natural consequence, this thing, because I like to see how 414 00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:10,600 Speaker 1: conscious parenting again, I think it's I think it's really 415 00:23:12,160 --> 00:23:15,560 Speaker 1: wonderful to subscribe to when things are in flow and 416 00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:17,960 Speaker 1: you're having a good day, but when ship hits the 417 00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:21,080 Speaker 1: fan and you're really dealing with a kid that that 418 00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:23,960 Speaker 1: is a let's say a biter, Adam and I always joke, 419 00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:25,960 Speaker 1: what if what if our kid in kindergarten is the 420 00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:29,320 Speaker 1: biter right, and the teachers like, holy crab albags is 421 00:23:29,359 --> 00:23:32,639 Speaker 1: biting everybody? Like, what do you do in that situation? Like? 422 00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:38,159 Speaker 1: How do you not? I feel like conflict is the 423 00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:41,840 Speaker 1: biggest opportunity to practice conscious parenting, right because that's when 424 00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:47,359 Speaker 1: things accelerate very quickly. It's when your ship does come up. Um, 425 00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:49,879 Speaker 1: so how what would you do? Like what is a 426 00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:52,600 Speaker 1: natural consequence? How do you if you don't believe in 427 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:56,000 Speaker 1: time outs? Are grounding? Or Okay? So let's just let's 428 00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:59,920 Speaker 1: just think and create the two paths that people could take. 429 00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:03,240 Speaker 1: So the kid is biting, the traditional path and the 430 00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:05,919 Speaker 1: non traditional, which I'll call the conscious path. Let's go 431 00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:08,480 Speaker 1: with the traditional path. What would the traditional path? Say? 432 00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:11,879 Speaker 1: My kid is biting? Therefore he is what would you 433 00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:14,880 Speaker 1: call that kid? So say Sean some kids seen by 434 00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:17,800 Speaker 1: So Sean is what's the first thing at all the 435 00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:21,000 Speaker 1: parents in the class whol thing bad? He's a bad boy, right, 436 00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:23,840 Speaker 1: So first, he came up in one second. How horrible 437 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:25,080 Speaker 1: is that? I was like, oh my god, he's the 438 00:24:25,080 --> 00:24:29,679 Speaker 1: bad kid. Yes, absolutely, absolutely, he's the bad kid. Correct. 439 00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:32,480 Speaker 1: So when Sean starts biting, and Sean is just a 440 00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:34,879 Speaker 1: poor little three year old who doesn't know how to 441 00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:37,920 Speaker 1: do anything but bite, because that's how he expresses his frustration, 442 00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:40,280 Speaker 1: he remembers that he's a primate. You see, all the 443 00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:42,719 Speaker 1: other girls have forgotten. He's like, no, I know who 444 00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:46,120 Speaker 1: I am. I snell, growl, and I bite. You guys 445 00:24:46,119 --> 00:24:49,240 Speaker 1: are pretending to be human. I'm a primate. Okay, so 446 00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:52,040 Speaker 1: but but look how we adults will quickly judgment. Of 447 00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:56,120 Speaker 1: course we call that kid bad. Now, traditional culture will say, 448 00:24:56,119 --> 00:24:58,639 Speaker 1: what do you do to bad people? You must to 449 00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:02,240 Speaker 1: bad children, especially punished? Straight right, so straight now we punished. 450 00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:04,359 Speaker 1: So what are the techniques of punishing. You have to 451 00:25:04,359 --> 00:25:12,560 Speaker 1: take something away, you have to yell, threaten. Okay, So 452 00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:17,359 Speaker 1: now that's that's the mainstream paradigm. Okay, it's just so predictable, 453 00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:21,160 Speaker 1: it's so linear, and it ends up. Let's imagine how 454 00:25:21,160 --> 00:25:23,040 Speaker 1: it ends up. So now you've put Sean in a 455 00:25:23,119 --> 00:25:25,560 Speaker 1: time out. He doesn't even remember he's bitten. He's like, 456 00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:28,040 Speaker 1: I don't even know what you're talking about. I have 457 00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:31,800 Speaker 1: no clue what to do. Instead, nobody's teaching me, No 458 00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:34,040 Speaker 1: one's helping me. You're just telling me I'm really bad. 459 00:25:34,119 --> 00:25:36,760 Speaker 1: I really don't know what I've done, right, but I 460 00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:39,280 Speaker 1: guess I'm bad. So now, what do you think is 461 00:25:39,280 --> 00:25:42,480 Speaker 1: going to happen in sean psychology? After this? He's I 462 00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:44,560 Speaker 1: think he's bad? Right. Is he getting up the next 463 00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:47,440 Speaker 1: day thinking, Wow, I'm the most awesome kid. No, he's 464 00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:53,080 Speaker 1: now become sedimented with the psychology that he's not, So 465 00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:56,719 Speaker 1: he's not that cool right now. Imagine this continues for 466 00:25:56,760 --> 00:26:00,280 Speaker 1: five six months, and imagine the parents are truly isational. 467 00:26:00,359 --> 00:26:03,040 Speaker 1: They only no control, only punishment. Do you think it 468 00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:04,800 Speaker 1: will stay at just the time out. No, it will 469 00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:08,040 Speaker 1: become from time out to a little as whooping to 470 00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:11,840 Speaker 1: a little bit isolation. Then the kid is crying. I mean, 471 00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:13,720 Speaker 1: I've had clients at the age of two who were 472 00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:17,359 Speaker 1: locked up in closets and basements, you know, and they remember. 473 00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:19,919 Speaker 1: So Sean will grow up and remember this. So you 474 00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:21,760 Speaker 1: can go ahead and spend all that money in therapy 475 00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:25,800 Speaker 1: because it's coming right for sure, and you're creating disconnection. Right, 476 00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:28,359 Speaker 1: So the very tenets of parenting, which is to create 477 00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:32,240 Speaker 1: confidence and comfort and warmth and worth are being eroded 478 00:26:32,760 --> 00:26:36,400 Speaker 1: through this linear paradigm. Okay, so that's the traditional So 479 00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:41,560 Speaker 1: my work completely debounced it. Like you're not allowed to react. 480 00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:44,600 Speaker 1: So the moment there's a trigger, I tell I teach 481 00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:48,680 Speaker 1: all parents to pause and watch right and watch because 482 00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:50,760 Speaker 1: I show them where they're going to go, watch how 483 00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:53,399 Speaker 1: they're dying to label the kid, and they just have 484 00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:56,720 Speaker 1: to pause till they come back to neutral. So they're like, please, 485 00:26:56,760 --> 00:26:59,240 Speaker 1: can I call my kid bad now? And I'm like nope, 486 00:26:59,359 --> 00:27:01,480 Speaker 1: Like you can't talk to your kids till you go 487 00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:03,880 Speaker 1: back to neutral. And they're like, but what about now 488 00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:06,040 Speaker 1: my kid told me to f off and told me 489 00:27:06,119 --> 00:27:08,080 Speaker 1: I was an evil witch. Can I now go my 490 00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:11,199 Speaker 1: kid back? Nope? Nope. So we're not allowed to go 491 00:27:11,280 --> 00:27:14,879 Speaker 1: down the path of judgment because judgment leads to hierarchy, 492 00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:18,800 Speaker 1: leads to superiority, leads to a righteousness, leads to punishment 493 00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:21,800 Speaker 1: and violence. So you're not allowed to go down. So 494 00:27:21,880 --> 00:27:25,080 Speaker 1: parents like, what do I do? So then you came first, 495 00:27:25,119 --> 00:27:28,360 Speaker 1: you pause, and then you come to the other side. Now, 496 00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:31,840 Speaker 1: if you're willing and you haven't gone down that train 497 00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:36,840 Speaker 1: wreck path. You now say, what is my kid needing? 498 00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:41,080 Speaker 1: It's a need? What is the need beneath the behavior? 499 00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:45,639 Speaker 1: Who is my kid developmentally? Who is my kids spiritually? Consciously? 500 00:27:46,359 --> 00:27:49,399 Speaker 1: Who is my kid emotionally? You begin to seek to 501 00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:52,240 Speaker 1: understand the human just like you would want to be 502 00:27:52,320 --> 00:27:55,480 Speaker 1: understood if you have a temper tantrum at a lunch 503 00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:58,800 Speaker 1: and you monopolize the entire lunch and the next day 504 00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:01,439 Speaker 1: all your friends say, you know what, she's an attention seeker. 505 00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:03,840 Speaker 1: We need to teach her a lesson. Where are going 506 00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:05,600 Speaker 1: to speak to her for six months? Would you like 507 00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:08,119 Speaker 1: to be treated like that? No, you want to be understood. 508 00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:11,159 Speaker 1: You want to be heard, heard, and validated. So it 509 00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:14,080 Speaker 1: is with our children, and they don't have sovereignty because 510 00:28:14,119 --> 00:28:18,560 Speaker 1: we are a controlling culture that strips children of sovereignty. 511 00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:21,720 Speaker 1: So when they cry, we seek to understand, We seek 512 00:28:21,760 --> 00:28:25,800 Speaker 1: to give them words, we soothe them, we let them 513 00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:29,320 Speaker 1: be heard, and then if we want to teach them, 514 00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:32,160 Speaker 1: we can then do some role playing where we show 515 00:28:32,200 --> 00:28:35,040 Speaker 1: them how biting hurts. Doesn't mean you bite them to 516 00:28:35,119 --> 00:28:37,399 Speaker 1: hurt them, but you could like playfully show you know 517 00:28:37,480 --> 00:28:40,320 Speaker 1: this hurts, and then you can show create empathy and 518 00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:42,920 Speaker 1: do it with a dog. That's what I was just thinking. 519 00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:44,600 Speaker 1: I would use the dog. I mean, not make the 520 00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:46,640 Speaker 1: dog bite, and but I'd say the dog and the dog, 521 00:28:46,920 --> 00:28:51,640 Speaker 1: even a dog. That's a good idea. And you and 522 00:28:51,680 --> 00:28:56,120 Speaker 1: you can he can practice about the dog. Okay, a dog. 523 00:28:56,240 --> 00:28:59,560 Speaker 1: But you use creativity, right, you teach through creativity. But 524 00:28:59,680 --> 00:29:02,600 Speaker 1: you can only come to the place of compassion if 525 00:29:02,640 --> 00:29:06,040 Speaker 1: you don't make the judgment that he is bad. You 526 00:29:06,160 --> 00:29:09,840 Speaker 1: stay in oneness, You stay in compassion. Right the moment 527 00:29:09,880 --> 00:29:12,680 Speaker 1: we make judgments, that's it. The train wreck starts, right, 528 00:29:13,280 --> 00:29:17,160 Speaker 1: does it? This is brilliant. Does the judgment work if 529 00:29:17,200 --> 00:29:20,280 Speaker 1: it's positive? Because see I already see it happening with 530 00:29:20,320 --> 00:29:26,040 Speaker 1: my son a lot. My son is. I don't know. 531 00:29:26,120 --> 00:29:28,320 Speaker 1: If it's because my husband and I smile a lot, 532 00:29:29,240 --> 00:29:32,680 Speaker 1: I don't know, but my son smiles a lot when 533 00:29:32,680 --> 00:29:36,800 Speaker 1: he sees people. He if we're in an elevator and 534 00:29:37,080 --> 00:29:39,800 Speaker 1: someone's there, he makes it a point to smile at 535 00:29:39,800 --> 00:29:42,440 Speaker 1: that person. And um, if I take him to a 536 00:29:42,480 --> 00:29:46,080 Speaker 1: baby class, he's gone and he's I would describe him 537 00:29:46,120 --> 00:29:50,520 Speaker 1: as social and very jolly in his disposition. Now I 538 00:29:50,560 --> 00:29:53,240 Speaker 1: associate with that he is a really good baby. But 539 00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:56,880 Speaker 1: I'm already like, oh my god, we're already labeling him 540 00:29:56,920 --> 00:30:00,720 Speaker 1: as such, and I want to be sure that on moments, 541 00:30:00,720 --> 00:30:03,360 Speaker 1: in times where he's sad, or maybe phases of his 542 00:30:03,440 --> 00:30:06,760 Speaker 1: life where he's not social or have separation anxiety, or 543 00:30:07,000 --> 00:30:09,240 Speaker 1: we no longer can pass him around to people like 544 00:30:09,360 --> 00:30:11,280 Speaker 1: right now we pass mound. He loves it. It's fine, 545 00:30:11,880 --> 00:30:13,760 Speaker 1: but that might not always be the case, and then 546 00:30:13,920 --> 00:30:15,800 Speaker 1: we I don't want to associate that with oh no, 547 00:30:15,920 --> 00:30:20,040 Speaker 1: it's bad. Right, So you're yeah, so you're very aware 548 00:30:20,080 --> 00:30:24,080 Speaker 1: that you're already getting attached being jolly and him being 549 00:30:24,120 --> 00:30:27,680 Speaker 1: so shilled. Yeah, so we just watch watch how you're 550 00:30:27,680 --> 00:30:32,240 Speaker 1: getting attached already, rather than saying that's who he is 551 00:30:32,360 --> 00:30:36,760 Speaker 1: right now, very aware that it could flip tomorrow. So 552 00:30:36,840 --> 00:30:38,960 Speaker 1: don't set yourself up. You see, this is what we do. 553 00:30:39,040 --> 00:30:42,000 Speaker 1: We set ourselves up because we're like, oh my kid, 554 00:30:42,120 --> 00:30:45,440 Speaker 1: now you know, it's potty trained, and then in two 555 00:30:45,520 --> 00:30:48,880 Speaker 1: days they're not. They've regressed so bad. Yeah, just don't 556 00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:52,360 Speaker 1: get invested because that smiling behavior could also be the 557 00:30:52,520 --> 00:30:55,720 Speaker 1: makings of a people pleaser, Like, don't be so excited, 558 00:30:55,840 --> 00:30:59,840 Speaker 1: you know, we don't know. That's who I am, Chef, 559 00:31:00,440 --> 00:31:03,280 Speaker 1: you nail that. And we've only been talking for what 560 00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:07,320 Speaker 1: how long? Twenty minutes? So look how we we just 561 00:31:07,480 --> 00:31:11,200 Speaker 1: put all these adjectives and it's all our need as 562 00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:15,560 Speaker 1: parents to feel good about our emptiness. It's really that 563 00:31:15,880 --> 00:31:19,200 Speaker 1: all this projection onto these children, they're just being who 564 00:31:19,240 --> 00:31:22,000 Speaker 1: they are and they're going to flip and change tomorrow 565 00:31:22,520 --> 00:31:25,600 Speaker 1: and we're like, look my kid, my blood, my DNA, 566 00:31:26,080 --> 00:31:29,560 Speaker 1: Look how amazing, Look what I've created. It's because we 567 00:31:29,600 --> 00:31:32,360 Speaker 1: are empty inside that we need this. That's why we 568 00:31:32,400 --> 00:31:34,880 Speaker 1: cling to our children. That's why we want them to 569 00:31:34,960 --> 00:31:37,840 Speaker 1: become something so that we feel good about ourselves. Yeah, 570 00:31:37,840 --> 00:31:41,920 Speaker 1: it's horrible, Well, it's just as human nature, I think. 571 00:31:42,000 --> 00:31:44,959 Speaker 1: I don't think it's horrible. It's very predictable. It's universal 572 00:31:45,440 --> 00:31:47,640 Speaker 1: and we're all doing it and it's our ego that 573 00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:51,640 Speaker 1: is doing that. Um, what happens when my child asks 574 00:31:51,680 --> 00:31:56,800 Speaker 1: tough questions like is there a God? What are you saying? Yeah, 575 00:31:56,800 --> 00:31:59,800 Speaker 1: it's only tough for you because you haven't deconstructed it yourself, right, 576 00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:04,640 Speaker 1: Oh no idea? So so you could say, well, some 577 00:32:04,720 --> 00:32:07,320 Speaker 1: people say da da da da da, and others say 578 00:32:07,440 --> 00:32:10,680 Speaker 1: da da da da da. But I really because I 579 00:32:10,720 --> 00:32:13,800 Speaker 1: don't know if if that's what you really believe, just 580 00:32:14,440 --> 00:32:17,440 Speaker 1: we'll keep exploring. I don't know. You know, you just 581 00:32:17,480 --> 00:32:20,720 Speaker 1: have to say the truth, so you know, I I 582 00:32:21,400 --> 00:32:23,680 Speaker 1: had deconstructed already, so I was able to give my 583 00:32:23,760 --> 00:32:26,720 Speaker 1: daughter an answer. But you you say it from your truth. 584 00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:30,680 Speaker 1: But I do have an issue when parents put onto 585 00:32:30,760 --> 00:32:38,000 Speaker 1: their children very rigid belief systems, because I want us 586 00:32:38,080 --> 00:32:41,400 Speaker 1: to expose our children to what's out there and maybe 587 00:32:41,400 --> 00:32:44,560 Speaker 1: even what we believe in, but allowing for them to 588 00:32:44,640 --> 00:32:49,000 Speaker 1: have self expression and self ownership. But we don't. Most 589 00:32:49,040 --> 00:32:53,280 Speaker 1: religious people will put on their children their religion, and 590 00:32:54,920 --> 00:32:59,360 Speaker 1: again it's another it's another another attachment that you're putting 591 00:32:59,400 --> 00:33:03,520 Speaker 1: on them without the discovery of who they would want 592 00:33:03,560 --> 00:33:08,040 Speaker 1: to be. Is it ever too late? Let's say someone 593 00:33:08,160 --> 00:33:10,440 Speaker 1: has been an unconscious parent for years and years and 594 00:33:10,520 --> 00:33:12,760 Speaker 1: years and read your book and they come into it. 595 00:33:12,840 --> 00:33:15,880 Speaker 1: I mean, yeah, I was already too late by the 596 00:33:15,880 --> 00:33:19,480 Speaker 1: time I became conscious, because I also took time. I 597 00:33:19,520 --> 00:33:21,960 Speaker 1: mean you have to really try, you know. I had 598 00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:25,840 Speaker 1: to see my ego at play to believe that I 599 00:33:25,880 --> 00:33:29,000 Speaker 1: was so unconscious. I couldn't believe I was so unconscious, 600 00:33:29,040 --> 00:33:31,720 Speaker 1: so I myself was three or four years late. So 601 00:33:32,120 --> 00:33:35,000 Speaker 1: the answer is no, you're you know you're never too late, 602 00:33:35,080 --> 00:33:38,480 Speaker 1: and you're always late. So just let just let it go, 603 00:33:38,840 --> 00:33:42,640 Speaker 1: just let it whatever, whatever to come into this practice 604 00:33:43,440 --> 00:33:47,000 Speaker 1: and you, within yourself and for your family is the perfect. 605 00:33:47,240 --> 00:33:50,960 Speaker 1: Every moment is too late and and never too late. 606 00:33:51,000 --> 00:33:54,040 Speaker 1: It's just the perfect moment. So stop worrying now, it's 607 00:33:54,040 --> 00:33:56,280 Speaker 1: another way to worry right now. Oh, I messed up 608 00:33:56,280 --> 00:33:59,440 Speaker 1: for the past fifteen years. No, forget the past fifteen years. 609 00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:03,160 Speaker 1: You're here and now let's start aligning now. The moment 610 00:34:03,280 --> 00:34:05,800 Speaker 1: is now, and when you can hit the reset button 611 00:34:05,840 --> 00:34:08,759 Speaker 1: in every now, that's the best you can do. Don't 612 00:34:08,800 --> 00:34:11,880 Speaker 1: look at the past. I mean we all can already cringe. 613 00:34:11,880 --> 00:34:13,840 Speaker 1: I'm sure you already in your one year can cringe 614 00:34:13,840 --> 00:34:17,239 Speaker 1: at the mistakes you've made and the scowling faces you've 615 00:34:17,360 --> 00:34:21,440 Speaker 1: shown your kids, scared your kid. We've all made mistakes. 616 00:34:21,480 --> 00:34:25,000 Speaker 1: There is no perfect parent. I was completely unconscious till 617 00:34:25,040 --> 00:34:26,600 Speaker 1: my daughter was three or four, and I was a 618 00:34:26,600 --> 00:34:30,120 Speaker 1: meditator for twenty years. So please, there is no pedestal here, 619 00:34:30,440 --> 00:34:34,600 Speaker 1: there's no hierarchy. It just is everybody's evolution. Whenever they 620 00:34:34,680 --> 00:34:37,120 Speaker 1: arrive at it is when they were supposed to arrive 621 00:34:37,160 --> 00:34:40,719 Speaker 1: at it. M HM. And your children chose you, you know. 622 00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:43,799 Speaker 1: I tell very unconscious parents who then wake up and 623 00:34:43,840 --> 00:34:45,839 Speaker 1: they're full of they're full of guilt. I just tell 624 00:34:45,880 --> 00:34:47,839 Speaker 1: them your your children chose you to. You know, they 625 00:34:47,920 --> 00:34:51,720 Speaker 1: knew how left up you are, so and they still 626 00:34:51,800 --> 00:34:55,320 Speaker 1: chose you, so relaxed, like, don't we have many lifetimes, 627 00:34:55,360 --> 00:34:59,160 Speaker 1: you know, the many lifetimes. And he's mine, my child 628 00:34:59,200 --> 00:35:02,080 Speaker 1: for a reason right now, Like we're really here to 629 00:35:02,160 --> 00:35:04,759 Speaker 1: teach each other, so obviously he came to learn from you. 630 00:35:05,320 --> 00:35:07,759 Speaker 1: So once you let go of this hierarchy that you 631 00:35:07,800 --> 00:35:10,400 Speaker 1: need to do it perfectly and it's about you raising 632 00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:12,879 Speaker 1: this child. And turn it around to we are both 633 00:35:12,920 --> 00:35:16,000 Speaker 1: raising each other. We both chose each other at some 634 00:35:16,120 --> 00:35:19,520 Speaker 1: energetic level to wake each other up. Then the anxiety 635 00:35:19,520 --> 00:35:21,479 Speaker 1: goes away. You know, you can look at your kids 636 00:35:21,520 --> 00:35:23,480 Speaker 1: when you act crazy and go, well, why did you 637 00:35:23,560 --> 00:35:26,640 Speaker 1: choose me? You know you should have known better to 638 00:35:27,080 --> 00:35:29,160 Speaker 1: have chosen me as your mom. You know, you can 639 00:35:29,200 --> 00:35:31,480 Speaker 1: just play with it. It's just once you have the 640 00:35:31,560 --> 00:35:35,840 Speaker 1: right perspective of us all being spirits or energy just 641 00:35:36,200 --> 00:35:40,320 Speaker 1: incarnating in this moment, then you just have the right lens, 642 00:35:40,440 --> 00:35:47,840 Speaker 1: you know. I know, we got into a little bit 643 00:35:47,840 --> 00:35:51,959 Speaker 1: about like grades and getting into the college and you 644 00:35:52,040 --> 00:35:56,279 Speaker 1: wanting what's best for your child is what you think 645 00:35:56,360 --> 00:36:00,000 Speaker 1: is best for your child. It's not necessarily what's best 646 00:36:00,040 --> 00:36:02,279 Speaker 1: fair child. I mean, your child gets to figure out 647 00:36:02,400 --> 00:36:04,040 Speaker 1: that for him or her. And guess what, it's not 648 00:36:04,120 --> 00:36:06,160 Speaker 1: even what you think is best, fair child, it's what 649 00:36:06,239 --> 00:36:09,080 Speaker 1: you've been puppet to you and you're a parent to 650 00:36:09,160 --> 00:36:12,719 Speaker 1: what culture says is best fit like college, like he's 651 00:36:12,719 --> 00:36:15,520 Speaker 1: a doctor, Like he went to this school or got 652 00:36:15,600 --> 00:36:19,000 Speaker 1: these grades, or is a member of this many you know, 653 00:36:19,160 --> 00:36:21,520 Speaker 1: or he went to a third world country and build houses. 654 00:36:21,600 --> 00:36:25,560 Speaker 1: Whatever is the faith that you want to prescribe to um? 655 00:36:25,680 --> 00:36:28,799 Speaker 1: What is this idea of ordinariness? Like what is that? 656 00:36:28,880 --> 00:36:31,439 Speaker 1: Because I think I don't know. I mean, you're from India, 657 00:36:31,440 --> 00:36:33,000 Speaker 1: I don't I don't know what it's like there. But 658 00:36:33,080 --> 00:36:37,160 Speaker 1: I think there really is this concept here and it 659 00:36:37,200 --> 00:36:40,000 Speaker 1: wasn't my fly two of of this being special and 660 00:36:40,040 --> 00:36:42,440 Speaker 1: you want your kid to be special, which is at 661 00:36:42,440 --> 00:36:44,480 Speaker 1: the opposite of ordinary. I don't know. And I think 662 00:36:44,480 --> 00:36:46,840 Speaker 1: every kid is unique and we're all unique, But I 663 00:36:46,840 --> 00:36:50,200 Speaker 1: don't know whether anyone is really special or not. I 664 00:36:50,239 --> 00:36:53,600 Speaker 1: mean it's like right, right, but just unique. I think 665 00:36:53,640 --> 00:36:56,200 Speaker 1: that's the thing. And when we can focus on each 666 00:36:56,280 --> 00:37:00,080 Speaker 1: person's uniqueness, actually then we will not fit every ear 667 00:37:00,280 --> 00:37:03,080 Speaker 1: into the same mold. But we want that kids to 668 00:37:03,120 --> 00:37:06,600 Speaker 1: be special, which means better than other kids. Think about 669 00:37:06,600 --> 00:37:11,600 Speaker 1: how sick that is really, Oh it's horribized for sure. 670 00:37:11,880 --> 00:37:15,400 Speaker 1: So we're so anti children actually when we do what 671 00:37:15,440 --> 00:37:17,920 Speaker 1: the social media ship is because it's like everyone and 672 00:37:18,000 --> 00:37:22,920 Speaker 1: myself included, like posting all of the first birthday parties, 673 00:37:22,960 --> 00:37:25,120 Speaker 1: the first steps, like look at how special but yet 674 00:37:25,400 --> 00:37:27,239 Speaker 1: like a lot of it, like it's all the same, 675 00:37:27,480 --> 00:37:30,440 Speaker 1: Like it's not. But you see now, it's so beautiful 676 00:37:30,520 --> 00:37:35,560 Speaker 1: that our social media exposure, uh lends a light to 677 00:37:35,800 --> 00:37:40,759 Speaker 1: our dire, desperate need to be seen. I mean it's 678 00:37:40,840 --> 00:37:45,800 Speaker 1: so sad. Oh my god, first birthday party, first piece 679 00:37:45,800 --> 00:37:49,680 Speaker 1: of spinach, first boop, first lebon, first tooth pulled out. 680 00:37:49,719 --> 00:37:52,239 Speaker 1: I mean, really do I don't. I don't need to 681 00:37:52,280 --> 00:37:54,759 Speaker 1: know about your kids, but you have a need to 682 00:37:54,800 --> 00:37:59,600 Speaker 1: tell me about your kid because you get something from it. 683 00:37:59,760 --> 00:38:03,879 Speaker 1: You comments, and oh my god, we definitely doely. I'm 684 00:38:03,920 --> 00:38:06,120 Speaker 1: admitting it right here, right now, like Albi went to 685 00:38:06,200 --> 00:38:08,040 Speaker 1: his first dun disappointment this morning, And let me tell 686 00:38:08,080 --> 00:38:09,719 Speaker 1: you something that is going to be posted to the 687 00:38:10,000 --> 00:38:12,799 Speaker 1: iCloud sharing for the whole fucking family to see. And 688 00:38:12,840 --> 00:38:14,680 Speaker 1: it's going to be so special and I'm gonna get 689 00:38:14,680 --> 00:38:16,600 Speaker 1: so many texts about how cute Albie is and how 690 00:38:16,600 --> 00:38:18,399 Speaker 1: lovely is teeth and what a good mommy. And I'm 691 00:38:18,400 --> 00:38:22,080 Speaker 1: going to feel because you're acting as if you're going 692 00:38:22,120 --> 00:38:28,120 Speaker 1: through milestones, like you are achieving something exactly. I just 693 00:38:28,120 --> 00:38:30,640 Speaker 1: talked about this because his one year birthday. My husband's like, 694 00:38:30,880 --> 00:38:33,160 Speaker 1: who cares? Is this one year birthday? Like he's never 695 00:38:33,320 --> 00:38:34,840 Speaker 1: we don't have to do this whole thing. But I'm like, 696 00:38:34,880 --> 00:38:37,680 Speaker 1: but it's about me. I've done a great job raising 697 00:38:37,760 --> 00:38:39,799 Speaker 1: him for a year. So his first year birthday is 698 00:38:39,840 --> 00:38:42,919 Speaker 1: my birthday, then you should. You should just be real 699 00:38:43,000 --> 00:38:44,759 Speaker 1: and say I have a party for myself. Yeah, And 700 00:38:44,800 --> 00:38:49,040 Speaker 1: everybody's like, where's your kid? You're like, I'm my favorite, 701 00:38:49,080 --> 00:38:51,000 Speaker 1: Like I'm doing what I wanted to send your kid 702 00:38:51,040 --> 00:38:53,600 Speaker 1: out for plated because it's nothing to do with amusing. 703 00:38:53,680 --> 00:38:55,919 Speaker 1: He loves this music. He wants to go have a nap, 704 00:38:55,920 --> 00:38:57,680 Speaker 1: and just be with his five toys and let him 705 00:38:57,680 --> 00:38:59,719 Speaker 1: go and you have the party then, So that's not 706 00:38:59,719 --> 00:39:03,319 Speaker 1: pre tend we're doing this so selflessly, Like that's what 707 00:39:03,719 --> 00:39:08,239 Speaker 1: is the biggest farce that always such selfless parents, when 708 00:39:08,280 --> 00:39:11,680 Speaker 1: it's so clear that we're egomaniacs and so thirsty. So 709 00:39:11,719 --> 00:39:15,200 Speaker 1: coming back to the concept of ordinary is we're all 710 00:39:15,320 --> 00:39:18,840 Speaker 1: ordinary and we should have no pressure to be anything 711 00:39:18,880 --> 00:39:22,160 Speaker 1: but whoever it is we are, which is really we're 712 00:39:22,200 --> 00:39:25,200 Speaker 1: just people. We're just some of us are talented in something, 713 00:39:25,239 --> 00:39:30,080 Speaker 1: but everyone has something unique. Who cares? Does everyone have 714 00:39:30,120 --> 00:39:31,920 Speaker 1: to be on the stage? Is everyone need to be 715 00:39:32,239 --> 00:39:36,080 Speaker 1: having accolades and medals? This is our sickness because we 716 00:39:36,120 --> 00:39:39,439 Speaker 1: feel so empty inside. Our children don't have that need. 717 00:39:40,000 --> 00:39:43,000 Speaker 1: You know, my daughter, I say the story all the time. 718 00:39:43,040 --> 00:39:45,239 Speaker 1: She once did an assignment with a tutor and I 719 00:39:45,280 --> 00:39:49,280 Speaker 1: paid a hundred dollars and all this big fancy assignment 720 00:39:49,320 --> 00:39:52,680 Speaker 1: with all these these poster boards, and after the tutor left, 721 00:39:52,719 --> 00:39:56,280 Speaker 1: she began taking pictures and sending it to all her friends. 722 00:39:56,960 --> 00:39:59,840 Speaker 1: So here here came my competitiveness, and I was like, 723 00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:02,000 Speaker 1: what are you doing? She's like, oh, I'm just sharing. 724 00:40:02,080 --> 00:40:03,719 Speaker 1: Look what a great job I did let them all 725 00:40:03,840 --> 00:40:07,000 Speaker 1: have the benefit, and I went ballistic. I was like, 726 00:40:07,120 --> 00:40:09,719 Speaker 1: did their parents pay hundred dollars? Like, why are we 727 00:40:09,800 --> 00:40:12,359 Speaker 1: sharing what I paid for? No? No, no, no, no, 728 00:40:12,360 --> 00:40:13,960 Speaker 1: no no. And she's like, Mom, I don't care if 729 00:40:13,960 --> 00:40:15,879 Speaker 1: they do well. I was like, and in my head 730 00:40:15,880 --> 00:40:19,440 Speaker 1: I knew she was saying really great pearls of wisdom, 731 00:40:19,760 --> 00:40:21,920 Speaker 1: but in that moment, my ego was roaring. I was like, 732 00:40:22,000 --> 00:40:24,440 Speaker 1: I don't care that you don't care. I care, like 733 00:40:24,520 --> 00:40:27,000 Speaker 1: this is about you. I did this for you. And 734 00:40:27,040 --> 00:40:31,680 Speaker 1: I saw my venom and my small mind and my competitiveness. 735 00:40:31,719 --> 00:40:34,359 Speaker 1: But thankfully my daughter didn't care about what I said either, 736 00:40:34,400 --> 00:40:36,600 Speaker 1: and so she just went ahead and sent it to everybody. 737 00:40:36,680 --> 00:40:39,640 Speaker 1: And she did it anyway because she truly was divested 738 00:40:39,680 --> 00:40:43,200 Speaker 1: of the desire to be the one. See, we want 739 00:40:43,239 --> 00:40:46,440 Speaker 1: our children to be the one. But that's a sick mentality, 740 00:40:46,480 --> 00:40:49,800 Speaker 1: because the one at the cost of others, right, because 741 00:40:49,800 --> 00:40:52,040 Speaker 1: we don't care about other people's children. We just want 742 00:40:52,280 --> 00:40:55,120 Speaker 1: Arcid to be the first. And we're sick in that. 743 00:40:55,560 --> 00:40:57,839 Speaker 1: And she taught me a lesson and I stopped caring 744 00:40:57,880 --> 00:41:01,279 Speaker 1: as much. Now as much I don't care, I've let 745 00:41:01,280 --> 00:41:04,600 Speaker 1: it go because I want the higher vision of what's 746 00:41:04,600 --> 00:41:07,759 Speaker 1: good for all, and the system is set up in 747 00:41:07,760 --> 00:41:11,640 Speaker 1: a skewed way to be competitive. So again, once we 748 00:41:11,719 --> 00:41:15,919 Speaker 1: let go of this dire need for us to all 749 00:41:16,040 --> 00:41:20,360 Speaker 1: be the best, the most perfect, the most beautiful, we 750 00:41:20,400 --> 00:41:25,239 Speaker 1: will realize that we're all one. All our children are important. 751 00:41:25,800 --> 00:41:28,520 Speaker 1: There is no need to be the best, because we're 752 00:41:28,560 --> 00:41:31,600 Speaker 1: all good at whoever it is we are. So we 753 00:41:31,680 --> 00:41:34,439 Speaker 1: as parents need to propagate this because children are good 754 00:41:34,440 --> 00:41:37,120 Speaker 1: at that. Children don't need to be the best, the prettiest. 755 00:41:37,120 --> 00:41:40,400 Speaker 1: They've learned that from us. So we need to really 756 00:41:40,440 --> 00:41:44,239 Speaker 1: re educate our children and ourselves to take away all this, 757 00:41:44,560 --> 00:41:46,520 Speaker 1: to take it away and say, no, you don't need 758 00:41:46,520 --> 00:41:48,319 Speaker 1: to be the best. You be the best at who 759 00:41:48,360 --> 00:41:53,040 Speaker 1: you are. You fight towards your standard, not to the standard, 760 00:41:53,080 --> 00:41:58,239 Speaker 1: because the standard is not an objective standard. It's an acculturated, conditioned, 761 00:41:58,760 --> 00:42:01,680 Speaker 1: often toxic the god. So you figure out who you 762 00:42:01,719 --> 00:42:04,319 Speaker 1: are and just play to you. You play to the 763 00:42:04,320 --> 00:42:07,279 Speaker 1: tune of you. It's really there's going to be a 764 00:42:07,480 --> 00:42:11,640 Speaker 1: real adventure to folly. That's how I feel, because I 765 00:42:11,640 --> 00:42:13,640 Speaker 1: I think this is going to be a real It 766 00:42:13,719 --> 00:42:17,680 Speaker 1: already is. It's just very challenging like to just keep 767 00:42:17,680 --> 00:42:22,279 Speaker 1: yourself and your expectations and your wants and desires to 768 00:42:22,320 --> 00:42:25,359 Speaker 1: be the best, which obviously I was definitely raised with 769 00:42:26,560 --> 00:42:29,600 Speaker 1: and not put that on him. It's gonna be like, 770 00:42:31,040 --> 00:42:33,400 Speaker 1: and what's great about your book? And it I you 771 00:42:33,480 --> 00:42:36,280 Speaker 1: have to see it as an opportunity for the chance 772 00:42:36,320 --> 00:42:38,799 Speaker 1: to get to practice over and over, and you have 773 00:42:38,840 --> 00:42:41,440 Speaker 1: to ask, what is my mission? My ultimate mission as 774 00:42:41,440 --> 00:42:46,239 Speaker 1: a parent is to allow my child's true self to unfold, 775 00:42:46,600 --> 00:42:50,520 Speaker 1: whatever that looks like. If you can't decide, and of 776 00:42:50,560 --> 00:42:52,560 Speaker 1: course I can hear all your audience, perhaps some of 777 00:42:52,560 --> 00:42:54,759 Speaker 1: them saying, oh, well, what if his true self is 778 00:42:54,800 --> 00:42:57,600 Speaker 1: an addict? What if it's true self is a criminal. Well, 779 00:42:58,400 --> 00:43:01,640 Speaker 1: that's again fear talking and lack and jumping to conclusions. 780 00:43:02,000 --> 00:43:04,920 Speaker 1: The true self isn't that doesn't have to be anything 781 00:43:04,960 --> 00:43:08,000 Speaker 1: like that. The true self is simply their real self, 782 00:43:08,160 --> 00:43:11,479 Speaker 1: not conditioned and produced by you. That's all. It doesn't 783 00:43:11,480 --> 00:43:14,920 Speaker 1: mean now we're raising criminals, right. People get so afraid 784 00:43:15,280 --> 00:43:18,680 Speaker 1: that unless we micromanage our children, they're going to be criminals. 785 00:43:19,000 --> 00:43:21,080 Speaker 1: My child grew up without a religion, My child grew 786 00:43:21,160 --> 00:43:25,319 Speaker 1: up without competition, without achievement pressures, and she's a good kid. 787 00:43:25,800 --> 00:43:28,839 Speaker 1: She's a just an ordinary good kid, and I don't 788 00:43:28,880 --> 00:43:31,400 Speaker 1: expect her to be anything other than that. If she 789 00:43:31,520 --> 00:43:34,840 Speaker 1: chooses some other path, it's her choice. It has nothing 790 00:43:34,840 --> 00:43:37,560 Speaker 1: to do with me. If I want success, I need 791 00:43:37,600 --> 00:43:40,400 Speaker 1: to go get it for myself. If I want fitness, 792 00:43:40,680 --> 00:43:42,400 Speaker 1: I need to go get it for myself. If I 793 00:43:42,440 --> 00:43:45,360 Speaker 1: want good eating, I eat good for myself and I 794 00:43:45,440 --> 00:43:48,480 Speaker 1: model it. And if she chooses, she chooses. You know, 795 00:43:49,560 --> 00:43:51,399 Speaker 1: and of course, when they're younger, you have more quote 796 00:43:51,480 --> 00:43:57,040 Speaker 1: unquote control, Yeah, because I'm but soon you'll have to, 797 00:43:57,360 --> 00:43:58,920 Speaker 1: you know, give and take. There will be a lot 798 00:43:58,920 --> 00:44:03,720 Speaker 1: of compromise. This was so amazing. I can't tell you 799 00:44:03,960 --> 00:44:09,440 Speaker 1: how mind rocked I am and how excited I am 800 00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:14,799 Speaker 1: to have my husband listen to this podcast. And like 801 00:44:14,880 --> 00:44:18,799 Speaker 1: everybody I know, are there any closing words or statements 802 00:44:18,920 --> 00:44:21,759 Speaker 1: or advice or anything you want to add? If not, 803 00:44:22,400 --> 00:44:26,160 Speaker 1: we are chock full of a million gems. But if 804 00:44:26,200 --> 00:44:28,640 Speaker 1: there's anything else, but I just I would just end 805 00:44:28,640 --> 00:44:32,600 Speaker 1: by saying that every parent needs to decide if they 806 00:44:32,640 --> 00:44:36,320 Speaker 1: want to do it the traditional way or be daring 807 00:44:36,480 --> 00:44:39,920 Speaker 1: to try a new way, so that we can raise 808 00:44:40,120 --> 00:44:45,560 Speaker 1: a new generation of kindred spirits. Who are truly illuminated 809 00:44:45,760 --> 00:44:50,520 Speaker 1: for their own sense of divinity, worth and well being. 810 00:44:52,440 --> 00:44:55,719 Speaker 1: I want to do that. Thank you so much, Dr 811 00:44:55,800 --> 00:45:16,160 Speaker 1: Shefali Safari, Thank you Summer Summin Party. I do