1 00:00:04,160 --> 00:00:07,240 Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome to this episode of your favorite podcast, 2 00:00:07,320 --> 00:00:10,360 Speaker 1: Cheeky's and Chill. I have a great episode for you 3 00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:12,879 Speaker 1: guys today. It's about a topic I think we all 4 00:00:12,920 --> 00:00:17,200 Speaker 1: can relate to, which is surviving a breakup. And for 5 00:00:17,239 --> 00:00:20,520 Speaker 1: this conversation, I called up an expert on this topic. 6 00:00:21,040 --> 00:00:24,320 Speaker 1: Her name is Eva lat that Fee. She's a therapist, 7 00:00:24,520 --> 00:00:27,080 Speaker 1: a grief specialist, and she's also the host of the 8 00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:31,680 Speaker 1: podcast super. We talked all about the grief that comes 9 00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:34,080 Speaker 1: with a breakup, the best ways to heal, and how 10 00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:37,600 Speaker 1: you can come out on the other side stronger than ever. 11 00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:40,600 Speaker 1: I hope you enjoy this conversation as much as I did. 12 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:41,559 Speaker 2: Here it is. 13 00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:44,960 Speaker 1: Thank you so much for coming on. I'm so excited 14 00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:45,559 Speaker 1: to talk to you. 15 00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:48,600 Speaker 2: Thank you so much for having me. I'm super excited 16 00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:49,080 Speaker 2: to be here. 17 00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:51,320 Speaker 1: We'll get into all the questions that I have, but 18 00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:52,800 Speaker 1: I do want to start off with a little bit 19 00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:55,880 Speaker 1: of a personal question. If you don't mind, if you 20 00:00:55,920 --> 00:00:59,480 Speaker 1: can tell me what the worst breakup you've ever had. 21 00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:04,600 Speaker 2: That's a hard question. I would say that the last 22 00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:07,800 Speaker 2: one I had it was right before the pandemic hit, 23 00:01:08,040 --> 00:01:10,120 Speaker 2: and that was really, really hard. I was living in 24 00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:14,080 Speaker 2: LA and I moved back to Mexico a few months 25 00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:17,080 Speaker 2: before the pandemic, and then I had a breakup and 26 00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:20,720 Speaker 2: then I have to start all over again in all 27 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:23,520 Speaker 2: the areas in my life. So I would say that 28 00:01:23,520 --> 00:01:25,119 Speaker 2: that one was the hardest. 29 00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:28,840 Speaker 1: Yeah, mine was during the pandemic. Oh my gosh, Yothia, Like, 30 00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:32,080 Speaker 1: the amount of pain that I felt in my heart 31 00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:34,919 Speaker 1: is like, and I always say this, and people probably 32 00:01:34,959 --> 00:01:36,720 Speaker 1: will take it wrong, but I'm like, it hurt me 33 00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:40,720 Speaker 1: more to go through that situation than it did when 34 00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:42,399 Speaker 1: my mom passed. And I think it's because I had 35 00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:44,880 Speaker 1: my siblings and I had no other choice but to survive. 36 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:47,720 Speaker 1: But to know that I was letting go of someone 37 00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:49,880 Speaker 1: that I thought I was in love with during like 38 00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:55,360 Speaker 1: the pandemic, when everything is so uncertain, Melolokomo, like, for 39 00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:57,960 Speaker 1: three months, it was the worst depression of my life. 40 00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:00,840 Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I can't relate to that. It was such 41 00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:03,560 Speaker 2: an uncertain time that it was really hard. It was 42 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:06,040 Speaker 2: really hard. We were going through different griefs at the 43 00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:06,559 Speaker 2: same time. 44 00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:11,320 Speaker 1: So absolutely, And is that why you got into this 45 00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:14,720 Speaker 1: line of work about you know, because I know you 46 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:18,760 Speaker 1: have your podcast, So is there a reason or or 47 00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:20,520 Speaker 1: if you could tell me and walk me down, like 48 00:02:20,639 --> 00:02:22,679 Speaker 1: why you feel and you're so passionate about this line 49 00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:23,120 Speaker 1: of work. 50 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:27,840 Speaker 2: Well, it started before that. Actually, I was already working 51 00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:32,440 Speaker 2: as a grief therapist in breakups before that breakup. It 52 00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:35,320 Speaker 2: was a few years before that I moved to LA 53 00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:39,160 Speaker 2: and that I had a really viol heartbreak, and so 54 00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:44,440 Speaker 2: I realized that there was not enough information or there 55 00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:48,400 Speaker 2: were a lot of opinions around breakups, but there was 56 00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:53,880 Speaker 2: not specific tools that we could use. So I decided 57 00:02:53,919 --> 00:02:57,079 Speaker 2: to go through my breakup and start getting the tools. 58 00:02:57,160 --> 00:03:01,000 Speaker 2: And then I realized that I love working with heartbreaks 59 00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:06,520 Speaker 2: and with breakups because the amount of growth that there 60 00:03:06,639 --> 00:03:09,600 Speaker 2: is after a breakup, I have never seen that in 61 00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:13,040 Speaker 2: any other area in therapy. 62 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:16,840 Speaker 1: Absolutely, I feel like I'm a completely different person after 63 00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:19,560 Speaker 1: that major breakup. And I've had a few, like you know, 64 00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:21,200 Speaker 1: I mean through my life, I've had, I feel like 65 00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:23,760 Speaker 1: a lot of heartache, but that last one was one 66 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:27,040 Speaker 1: where I was like, what do I need to learn 67 00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:31,519 Speaker 1: so that I don't keep attracting this same pain because 68 00:03:31,639 --> 00:03:33,840 Speaker 1: I'm tired, you know, and I'm like what am I doing? 69 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:36,400 Speaker 1: And I started looking inward. But anyway, before we get 70 00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:38,160 Speaker 1: into that, I do want to ask you, what do 71 00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:40,680 Speaker 1: you feel is the best way to approach a breakup. 72 00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:45,280 Speaker 2: Through it, through the pain, through the anxiety, through everything 73 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:50,080 Speaker 2: that comes with grief. Is that's the best way, being conscious, 74 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:54,520 Speaker 2: not jumping to another relationship, to a new relationship, coming 75 00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:58,800 Speaker 2: through your your emotions, and knowing that grief is painful 76 00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:02,400 Speaker 2: so there's no way we can skip it. That's part 77 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:05,080 Speaker 2: of grief. So that would be the best way for 78 00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:09,279 Speaker 2: me going through it and facing everything that comes with grief. 79 00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:11,560 Speaker 1: Like endure it, like just say you know what I'm 80 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:13,720 Speaker 1: feeling this instead of trying to run from it and 81 00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:17,920 Speaker 1: finding an escape. Yes, yeah, see, because that's one thing 82 00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:20,360 Speaker 1: that I feel like I had done in the past 83 00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:24,400 Speaker 1: is I'd be like, Okay, well I'm gonna forget, and 84 00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:27,520 Speaker 1: then I would get myself in a whole other situation 85 00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:30,320 Speaker 1: and I was just like this last time, I was like, 86 00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:31,680 Speaker 1: I just got to go through it, you know, and 87 00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:33,479 Speaker 1: I'm not gonna lie. There were times where I just 88 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:35,720 Speaker 1: wanted to lay in bed. I mean I did there, 89 00:04:35,839 --> 00:04:38,159 Speaker 1: I wouldn't shower. I was just I didn't have the energy. 90 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:41,280 Speaker 1: I was like, how do I this pain is so overbearing? 91 00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:44,440 Speaker 1: But do you have any suggestions or any advice as 92 00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:46,800 Speaker 1: to what to do when you want to just lay 93 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:48,359 Speaker 1: in bed and not do anything. 94 00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:52,400 Speaker 2: I always say there is time to grief and to feel, 95 00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:55,880 Speaker 2: and there's also time to distract yourself. You want to 96 00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:59,000 Speaker 2: go through the emotions, but you don't want to leave there. 97 00:04:59,279 --> 00:05:02,120 Speaker 2: What I mean by is that go out you have 98 00:05:02,279 --> 00:05:05,200 Speaker 2: Sometimes you have to force yourself to go out and 99 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:11,280 Speaker 2: recreate your life and in every area of your life. 100 00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:14,200 Speaker 2: And it's not gonna come natural and you're just gonna 101 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:19,880 Speaker 2: wake one day and you're gonna be ready to rediscover yourself. 102 00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:23,479 Speaker 2: You have to push yourself. Sometimes it's a process, yes, 103 00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:27,640 Speaker 2: and sometimes it's Whenever we talk about self love, it 104 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:32,200 Speaker 2: sounds very romantic, but it's very challenging as well. So 105 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:36,160 Speaker 2: you have to push yourself and you'll be facing your shadows, 106 00:05:36,279 --> 00:05:39,960 Speaker 2: your pains, maybe traumas, and that's part of it. 107 00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:43,360 Speaker 1: So yeah, And what is it about a breakup that 108 00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:45,760 Speaker 1: makes it so similar to other grief. 109 00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:50,120 Speaker 2: Well, that you lose something. There is a there's a 110 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:54,040 Speaker 2: quote that I like a lot that says grief is 111 00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:59,120 Speaker 2: the realization of the death of a dream, everything that 112 00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:07,640 Speaker 2: you wanted to be. In Spanish, I would saying you 113 00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:11,000 Speaker 2: wanted to leave everything that you wanted to happen and 114 00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:14,520 Speaker 2: never happened. You want to grow up all together, you 115 00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:16,839 Speaker 2: wanted to have kids, you want to live together, or 116 00:06:16,880 --> 00:06:20,760 Speaker 2: even with what we call in Spanish gussie alos that 117 00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:26,760 Speaker 2: it's like almost something exactly that's very painful because you 118 00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:29,479 Speaker 2: you find yourself with a lot of dreams that you 119 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:32,359 Speaker 2: wanted to accomplish with that person. Even it can be 120 00:06:32,440 --> 00:06:37,000 Speaker 2: something as simple as starting a relationship, having the commitment, 121 00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:39,719 Speaker 2: having the title of being in a relationship, and you 122 00:06:39,839 --> 00:06:43,200 Speaker 2: realize that that's not going to happen. So that's grief. 123 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:47,880 Speaker 1: Yeah, Oh my gosh, yes, because I've heard this somewhere 124 00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:50,400 Speaker 1: before and I don't remember where, Like the amount of 125 00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:52,599 Speaker 1: time that you were with a person, right, So let's 126 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:55,920 Speaker 1: say you were with the person for six years and 127 00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:59,280 Speaker 1: you guys break up and to get over that relationship, 128 00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:01,560 Speaker 1: they say that it usually half of the time. 129 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:04,760 Speaker 2: Do you think that's true? Thank you so much for 130 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:07,640 Speaker 2: asking this. This is such a good question, because no, 131 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:12,040 Speaker 2: it's actually it's not okay, good what will think? No? No, No, 132 00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:16,080 Speaker 2: that's actually a myth. Okay, because look at the terminal. 133 00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:20,600 Speaker 2: Whatever makes it a grief, a grief process, a grieving process. 134 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:23,400 Speaker 2: It's not the time that you spend the relationship. It's 135 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:25,960 Speaker 2: not the type of relationship you were in. It's what 136 00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:29,960 Speaker 2: it meant to you. Because you can be in a 137 00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:33,800 Speaker 2: Gussie algo for two weeks and it can be even 138 00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:39,280 Speaker 2: more impactful than marriage that that lasted for a decade. 139 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:43,680 Speaker 2: It depends what means to you, not what people tell you. 140 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:46,880 Speaker 2: You were allowed to grieve, because that's very interesting. Whenever 141 00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:49,720 Speaker 2: we go through a breakup, it sounds like there's a 142 00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:53,160 Speaker 2: list of things. Okay, how long have you were you 143 00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:56,240 Speaker 2: in the relationship? Two months? Okay, that's not long enough. 144 00:07:56,480 --> 00:08:00,000 Speaker 2: Was it a relationship, No, it was. It never became 145 00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:02,720 Speaker 2: in my relationship, it was a situationship. Okay, then you're 146 00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:05,560 Speaker 2: not allowed to grieve that That makes no sense. Your 147 00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:08,920 Speaker 2: grief doesn't have to make sense to anyone but yourself 148 00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:09,840 Speaker 2: but yourself. 149 00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:13,640 Speaker 1: Yeah, And do you feel that people can fall in 150 00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:17,040 Speaker 1: love more than one time in their life, like like 151 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:19,240 Speaker 1: they say, oh, you only have one true love your 152 00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:21,560 Speaker 1: whole life? Or do you feel like there is that 153 00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:25,080 Speaker 1: possibility of us finding someone? I mean because I really 154 00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:27,600 Speaker 1: thought once I'm like, oh my gosh, this is the person, 155 00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:31,840 Speaker 1: and then it's not and then the next person. Now 156 00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:34,560 Speaker 1: I got remarried, and now I'm like, oh, like this 157 00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:36,880 Speaker 1: is you know. 158 00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:40,880 Speaker 2: See, now I don't believe there's the one. Maybe is 159 00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:43,240 Speaker 2: the one for that moment in your life, but you're 160 00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:46,480 Speaker 2: not the same person in your whole life. We're always evolving, 161 00:08:46,720 --> 00:08:51,480 Speaker 2: we're always becoming different versions of ourselves. And thinking that 162 00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:54,600 Speaker 2: there is only one love, one true love is one 163 00:08:54,640 --> 00:09:00,600 Speaker 2: of the hardest meats of mitos of romantic love, that 164 00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:03,680 Speaker 2: there's only one person, that it's your soulmate and you 165 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:07,080 Speaker 2: have to find it. And that's very hard because whenever 166 00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:09,360 Speaker 2: we are in a relationship and we don't feel that 167 00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:13,400 Speaker 2: that's our soulmate, maybe there's someone better out there, and 168 00:09:13,559 --> 00:09:17,079 Speaker 2: dun says that will we can actually harm that relationship 169 00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:20,200 Speaker 2: or jump to another relationship because we believe that there's 170 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:23,520 Speaker 2: only one person. And also when we're going through a 171 00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:26,520 Speaker 2: breakup and we feel that we lost the one, the 172 00:09:26,559 --> 00:09:30,000 Speaker 2: only one, the one, my soulmate and it's over, I'm 173 00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:33,320 Speaker 2: going to be alone by myself. I'm going to be 174 00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:38,160 Speaker 2: by myself forever. That's actually very very hard to digest. 175 00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:43,600 Speaker 2: Whenever we're going through through the breakup. It's a myth Okay, good, good. 176 00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:46,400 Speaker 1: Good to know for anyone out there listening that his 177 00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:51,200 Speaker 1: or is going through a breakup. Like I always say this, 178 00:09:51,440 --> 00:10:00,160 Speaker 1: it will pass. So how do you know you've it's 179 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:03,120 Speaker 1: a good point. Are there signs that you're like that 180 00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:06,439 Speaker 1: you're over it? Are there things that you can feel 181 00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:11,840 Speaker 1: or that you know that you yes, that's super heartbreak. 182 00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:17,920 Speaker 2: Well, as you mentioned before, getting over someone as a process, 183 00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:21,680 Speaker 2: healing your heart as a process, and as you were saying, 184 00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:26,920 Speaker 2: everything passes. In my also my mantra is this too 185 00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:31,200 Speaker 2: shall pass, these good times and bad times, and we're 186 00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:36,280 Speaker 2: gonna have waves, waves of pain, waves of anxiety, guilt, 187 00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:40,160 Speaker 2: different emotions, but also we're gonna have waves of healing 188 00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:44,640 Speaker 2: because also healing comes in waves. What I tell to 189 00:10:44,679 --> 00:10:47,719 Speaker 2: my clients and people I work with, set yourself a 190 00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:51,680 Speaker 2: point where you felt the lowest, when it was the hardest. 191 00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:54,720 Speaker 2: I call it like the darkest night in our grief. 192 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:58,000 Speaker 2: We can we can remember that night, that day, that 193 00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:01,320 Speaker 2: moment when you knew that it was the hardest time. 194 00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:08,480 Speaker 2: Use it as a point out to compare, Yeah, to 195 00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:11,760 Speaker 2: compare how you're healing, because you're gonna have ups and 196 00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:14,560 Speaker 2: you're gonna have downs, that's part of grief. And whenever 197 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,080 Speaker 2: we're in a low point, not the lowest, but in 198 00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:20,559 Speaker 2: a low point, we're gonna feel that we even we 199 00:11:20,679 --> 00:11:24,520 Speaker 2: haven't moved on, we're stuck, we're gonna be there forever. 200 00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:29,199 Speaker 2: But that's not true. It's gonna be part of what 201 00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:32,560 Speaker 2: wa O head messes with us. Yeah, okay, perfect. 202 00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:36,360 Speaker 1: So so for instance, like if you know, like am 203 00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:38,560 Speaker 1: I ready to start dating? Like how do you know? 204 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:40,920 Speaker 1: Like what are some signs that you know, okay, I'm 205 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,360 Speaker 1: ready to start dating sort of thing. 206 00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:47,800 Speaker 2: For example, pain doesn't control you anymore. It doesn't mean 207 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:51,440 Speaker 2: that it never that you never have pain. It can hurt. 208 00:11:51,679 --> 00:11:53,680 Speaker 2: It doesn't mean that it never hurts. It can hurt, 209 00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:56,080 Speaker 2: and you can remember and you can have one of 210 00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:58,920 Speaker 2: those waves even though you've you feel that you've moved on. 211 00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:01,440 Speaker 2: That's part of it. It's part of the process, but 212 00:12:01,559 --> 00:12:04,480 Speaker 2: it doesn't control you anymore. It doesn't have the power 213 00:12:04,679 --> 00:12:08,200 Speaker 2: over you pain. And also you don't compare all the 214 00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:12,160 Speaker 2: time your ex partner with your current partner. It's because 215 00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:14,400 Speaker 2: at the beginning, and I don't know if this resonates 216 00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:17,120 Speaker 2: with you that maybe the first day is when you 217 00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:20,760 Speaker 2: try to have another relationship, and it feels like your 218 00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:24,880 Speaker 2: ex is sitting next to you during the date and 219 00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:29,240 Speaker 2: you're comparing everything to that partner ex partner, and it's 220 00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:32,240 Speaker 2: like a ghost. And that's how you know that you're 221 00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:35,760 Speaker 2: not ready. If the memory is very present, maybe it's 222 00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:37,320 Speaker 2: not time, it's not the right. 223 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:41,840 Speaker 1: Time, comparing too much exactly, Okay, And now you know, 224 00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:44,440 Speaker 1: I have some questions about healing. One of the things 225 00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:46,640 Speaker 1: that we hear about after going through a breakup is 226 00:12:46,679 --> 00:12:49,559 Speaker 1: that you have to take time to heal. What does 227 00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:53,760 Speaker 1: that mean? Like, how how do you do that? 228 00:12:53,760 --> 00:13:01,400 Speaker 2: That's very good question, you know, how do you do that? Yes, 229 00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:06,360 Speaker 2: then taking the time it's taking a pause and facing 230 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:10,640 Speaker 2: whatever comes. Because, as we were mentioning before, this process 231 00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:14,560 Speaker 2: is also a great opportunity to go inwards and work 232 00:13:14,679 --> 00:13:20,280 Speaker 2: with all our demons, all our traumas. So taking the 233 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:23,640 Speaker 2: time is actually not jumping into another thing that will 234 00:13:23,679 --> 00:13:26,760 Speaker 2: distract you from pain. Because we want to distract ourselves 235 00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:29,640 Speaker 2: from pain. We want to start a new relationship. We 236 00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:33,600 Speaker 2: go to work all the time. Workaholism is actually a 237 00:13:33,679 --> 00:13:39,040 Speaker 2: sign of grief that it's stuck there or partying shopping. 238 00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:42,480 Speaker 2: We want to distract the pain because that's part of 239 00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:46,720 Speaker 2: our nature. We want to negotiate with pain. We wanna 240 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:52,079 Speaker 2: we want to feel that we have control over over pain. 241 00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:54,480 Speaker 2: That if I do this, if I if I listen 242 00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:57,840 Speaker 2: to all your podcast episodes, if I go to your retreats, 243 00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:00,360 Speaker 2: if I read the books, if I if I eat well, 244 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:06,839 Speaker 2: if I do if I exercise, that means it won't hurt. 245 00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:10,839 Speaker 2: Because we want to negotiate with pain. But one thing 246 00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:15,000 Speaker 2: about pain is that you can't. It's gonna take a process, 247 00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:17,920 Speaker 2: it's gonna take a time while, and it doesn't mean 248 00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:21,360 Speaker 2: For example, when I got certified as a grief therapist, 249 00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:27,120 Speaker 2: I had a teacher who said a good grief process 250 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:31,840 Speaker 2: doesn't take more than a year, and that that makes 251 00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:37,000 Speaker 2: absolutely no sense because we're so we're so fixated with time. Okay, 252 00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:39,560 Speaker 2: it's been two weeks. I should I had to be 253 00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:42,600 Speaker 2: better by now, you know what I mean. We're fixated 254 00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:45,960 Speaker 2: with time. So taking the time is actually pausing and 255 00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:49,720 Speaker 2: facing the emotions that come, the fears that come. 256 00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:54,640 Speaker 1: Yeah, so it's more as like with time, like for instance, 257 00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:57,920 Speaker 1: like there's no And the reason I'm bringing this up 258 00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:03,120 Speaker 1: is because when I've first Scott separated, it was a 259 00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:06,520 Speaker 1: lot of friends and family would say you need to 260 00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:09,280 Speaker 1: go out and be single and date, and I was 261 00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:14,520 Speaker 1: never the dating type. I'm a relationship monogamous Yo, Kira, 262 00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:17,480 Speaker 1: That's who I am. I can't jump from one guy, 263 00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:20,560 Speaker 1: don't whoever can do that? More power to you. I'm 264 00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:22,960 Speaker 1: more of like, I can't have one night stands. I 265 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:25,640 Speaker 1: need to be emotionally connected. I want to be in 266 00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:28,560 Speaker 1: a relationship. And people would tell me you need to 267 00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:32,000 Speaker 1: be single for a year, okay, like, and I wasn't. 268 00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:34,000 Speaker 1: I wasn't single for a year. I gave myself three 269 00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:36,080 Speaker 1: months and I'm like, I'm going to do what you said. 270 00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:38,280 Speaker 1: You know. I looked inWORD and I was like, Okay, 271 00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:40,040 Speaker 1: I'm gonna feel this pain and I'm not going to 272 00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:43,960 Speaker 1: try to distract myself and just really go through this pain, like, 273 00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,880 Speaker 1: just go through it. And I'm glad I did because 274 00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:49,400 Speaker 1: that's when I felt more in love with myself and 275 00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:51,720 Speaker 1: I was able to hear my own thoughts and focus 276 00:15:51,760 --> 00:15:54,200 Speaker 1: on what I needed to change. But that's what I 277 00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:57,120 Speaker 1: wanted to ask because friends and family say all of this, 278 00:15:57,280 --> 00:16:00,360 Speaker 1: but there's no real like time for anyone, right. It 279 00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:02,920 Speaker 1: all just depends on your own process. 280 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:07,760 Speaker 2: Exactly. Because something that can happen with heartbreak or a 281 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:11,320 Speaker 2: breakup is that it can connect to a previous grief 282 00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:15,120 Speaker 2: that you didn't go through. So let's say, for example, 283 00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:19,440 Speaker 2: I remember I had a client who he got divorced 284 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:22,600 Speaker 2: and jumped into a new relationship right after it. He 285 00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:26,160 Speaker 2: was with his wife maybe for fourteen years, I don't remember, 286 00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:28,920 Speaker 2: but it was over more than a de coud and 287 00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:31,680 Speaker 2: he jumped into a new relationship and then he was 288 00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:35,000 Speaker 2: with this person for a few months and then the 289 00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:39,560 Speaker 2: relationship ended and he had no other new relationship to 290 00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:42,520 Speaker 2: distract his pain from. So what happened is that he 291 00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:46,720 Speaker 2: had a previous grief, a previous heartbreak, and then he 292 00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:50,000 Speaker 2: had a new one and now he had too two 293 00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:52,840 Speaker 2: process to go through. So that can happen too, or 294 00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:57,440 Speaker 2: maybe with the loss of someone else or job a 295 00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,080 Speaker 2: job exactly. 296 00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:01,960 Speaker 1: Yeah, And how important do you feel that it is 297 00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:04,679 Speaker 1: to have like a support system on your healing journey. 298 00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:08,720 Speaker 2: It's one of the most important things if I can 299 00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:11,359 Speaker 2: tell you only three things, but of course it's not 300 00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:15,919 Speaker 2: gonna be only three things. One no contact, two your 301 00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:21,160 Speaker 2: tribe and three self love. It's actually it's been shown 302 00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:25,840 Speaker 2: that having your tribe, having your support group, it's gonna 303 00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:32,440 Speaker 2: be even more helpful even than therapy. That's how important. 304 00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:36,680 Speaker 2: Because we are social beings, so we need to connect 305 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:40,040 Speaker 2: and we need to feel safe in our connections, not 306 00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:43,439 Speaker 2: just with anyone someone you can talk to, you you 307 00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:47,280 Speaker 2: can actually express what you're going through and knowing that 308 00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:50,600 Speaker 2: you're in a safe space where you can leave your 309 00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:52,560 Speaker 2: process freely. 310 00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:56,359 Speaker 1: Yeah, and do you feel about that it's best to 311 00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:59,680 Speaker 1: not be in contact at all with your ex while 312 00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:02,240 Speaker 1: you're even while you're going through this healing process, because 313 00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:05,760 Speaker 1: people ask me right on the podcast, like, Okay, I 314 00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:08,520 Speaker 1: my ex is asking foreclosure. I never got closure, Like 315 00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:11,720 Speaker 1: do you think closure is important? And then no contact? 316 00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:17,359 Speaker 2: Oh that's a great question. Actually, closure comes from within. 317 00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:22,119 Speaker 2: You don't need that last conversation. You don't need I 318 00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:27,120 Speaker 2: love that. Okay, you don't need that. And one thing 319 00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:30,199 Speaker 2: that happens is that when we continue contact, there's always 320 00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:33,000 Speaker 2: gonna be a reason to continue contact. And one thing 321 00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:36,920 Speaker 2: about having that closure, having that last conversation that we're 322 00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:40,200 Speaker 2: seeking for something that's gonna happen is that that person 323 00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:42,520 Speaker 2: might see in front of you and give you all 324 00:18:42,560 --> 00:18:45,160 Speaker 2: the answers to your questions. And you know what's gonna happen. 325 00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:49,919 Speaker 2: You're gonna have more questions because we want to we 326 00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:54,080 Speaker 2: want to heal with information, we want to heal with answers. 327 00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:56,800 Speaker 2: But the thing is that that's not gonna heal us. 328 00:18:57,000 --> 00:19:00,159 Speaker 2: It's gonna help us maybe for a moment or two, 329 00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:04,480 Speaker 2: but it's a process. So yes, I'm a super fan 330 00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:08,560 Speaker 2: of no contact. Going no contact. Of course, I understand 331 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:13,239 Speaker 2: whenever their their children, whenever you you work together. I 332 00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:16,240 Speaker 2: have clans that they live in the same house because 333 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:21,040 Speaker 2: of migration process that they're going through, and I understand 334 00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:25,040 Speaker 2: that sometimes no contact is very hard or even impossible. 335 00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:29,159 Speaker 2: I understand that. So the contact has to be only 336 00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:33,760 Speaker 2: for the thing that you have in common, that's a children. Okay, 337 00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:37,440 Speaker 2: you're gonna keep the contact just for for the topics 338 00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:42,159 Speaker 2: related to children, but that's it. Going no contact with 339 00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,639 Speaker 2: the next partner is gonna be one of the most 340 00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:50,440 Speaker 2: important things because it's gonna allow you to detox yourself 341 00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:54,480 Speaker 2: from everything that it's gonna memories, and it's gonna also 342 00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:58,840 Speaker 2: allow you to have more perspective and understand what went wrong, 343 00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:00,760 Speaker 2: what was your what we're your mistakes. 344 00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:04,480 Speaker 1: Yeah, because someone told me that I was it was 345 00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:06,400 Speaker 1: an escape because I'm kind of like an out of sight, 346 00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:08,640 Speaker 1: out of mind person like Sino Loeo, Like I don't 347 00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:11,600 Speaker 1: think about it. And I blocked my ex from everything, 348 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:14,879 Speaker 1: my email, like WhatsApp, everywhere that I could possibly do it. 349 00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:17,879 Speaker 1: I erased a lot of pictures, anything that would come up, 350 00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:19,679 Speaker 1: I would erase it. And someone had told me like 351 00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:22,080 Speaker 1: that it was wrong that I I that that's kind 352 00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:24,720 Speaker 1: of childish, and it helped me though. I was like, 353 00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:27,280 Speaker 1: I don't want to look at the pictures or the memories, 354 00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:29,040 Speaker 1: like I know that this is what I need to do, 355 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:32,520 Speaker 1: and that's just going to make me want to like 356 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:35,400 Speaker 1: I don't know, because I'm sure you had nice moments 357 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:38,800 Speaker 1: with your ex, so I'm like when Nascosa's my last 358 00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:39,920 Speaker 1: see exactly. 359 00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:43,840 Speaker 2: No, it's childish to whom because it doesn't matter what 360 00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:47,399 Speaker 2: your ex thinks about you right now. You did everything 361 00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:50,200 Speaker 2: you could during the relationship. Maybe you had mistakes, maybe 362 00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:53,480 Speaker 2: you don't you didn't. But the thing is, this process, 363 00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:57,280 Speaker 2: the healing process, is about you. At first, it feels 364 00:20:57,359 --> 00:20:59,119 Speaker 2: like it has to be it has to do with 365 00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:02,919 Speaker 2: your ex, but it always had to do with you. 366 00:21:03,359 --> 00:21:06,160 Speaker 2: It was always about you. The healing process. It's always 367 00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:09,960 Speaker 2: about you, So you're gonna look childish to whom Yeah, 368 00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:15,360 Speaker 2: it works best for you, know exactly. Loma's important to pass. 369 00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:18,679 Speaker 2: There's nothing more important than your peace and you have 370 00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:19,399 Speaker 2: to protect it. 371 00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:23,640 Speaker 1: Yeah, because I have a friend that was married and 372 00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:27,439 Speaker 1: finally got divorced and stuff, but they have a dog together, 373 00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:31,680 Speaker 1: and it is just I have I know it's a 374 00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:33,479 Speaker 1: lot easier than done, but I was like, I know 375 00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:35,320 Speaker 1: you love your dog, but you guys have to figure 376 00:21:35,359 --> 00:21:38,240 Speaker 1: this out because he's already trying to move on and 377 00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:41,240 Speaker 1: apparently she moved on a long time ago, but there's 378 00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:44,399 Speaker 1: this dog that is causing kind of friction in his 379 00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:47,920 Speaker 1: relationship because she wants to see the dog and it's 380 00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:49,359 Speaker 1: like a child. So it's like, what do you do 381 00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:51,959 Speaker 1: in a situation like that, Like do you just say, okay, here, 382 00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:52,960 Speaker 1: I'm gonna give you the dog? 383 00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:57,320 Speaker 2: Okays ask it? You know that's so hard. See that's 384 00:21:57,359 --> 00:22:01,560 Speaker 2: a gray area with pets. Yeah, it depends what does 385 00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:05,840 Speaker 2: it mean to the to the couple, to the X couple. Yeah, 386 00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:09,400 Speaker 2: you want to go through the logistics of the breakup 387 00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:12,040 Speaker 2: and with with pets, for example, how is it going 388 00:22:12,119 --> 00:22:14,600 Speaker 2: to work? How are we going to do this is 389 00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:18,960 Speaker 2: any one of of of a little ex couple ready 390 00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:21,760 Speaker 2: to give up on the dog exactly? 391 00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:25,119 Speaker 1: So it's not conversations like it's a it's a deeper conversation. 392 00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:28,200 Speaker 1: And I guess it has to do with each situation. Okay, yeah, 393 00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:30,400 Speaker 1: because I'm like, I was like, just like, go the dog, 394 00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:32,000 Speaker 1: but then I'm like, if it was my dog, I'd 395 00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:35,359 Speaker 1: been like no. So yeah, it's it's a figuring it 396 00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:37,600 Speaker 1: out what works for both of you guys, and only 397 00:22:37,680 --> 00:22:39,640 Speaker 1: like you said, talking about what has to do with 398 00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:50,000 Speaker 1: the dog. Yeah, okay, so we talked about healing. Now 399 00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:51,480 Speaker 1: I do want to talk about something that I know 400 00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:55,760 Speaker 1: you are a firm believer on, which is loving yourself 401 00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:58,440 Speaker 1: in order to heal and be able to love others. 402 00:22:58,440 --> 00:22:59,320 Speaker 1: How does that work? 403 00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:03,600 Speaker 2: Okay? This is very interesting because there is a saying 404 00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:06,400 Speaker 2: that you will not be able to love anyone else 405 00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:10,000 Speaker 2: until you love yourself, but that's actually not true. You 406 00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:13,359 Speaker 2: can actually love someone else. But the thing is that 407 00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:15,920 Speaker 2: if you don't love yourself, if you don't see your value, 408 00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:20,240 Speaker 2: you're not gonna be able to realize if someone loves you, 409 00:23:20,760 --> 00:23:23,480 Speaker 2: because it's it's gonna be one. It can be shown 410 00:23:23,640 --> 00:23:26,680 Speaker 2: in the partner that you choose what you allow in 411 00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:31,640 Speaker 2: a relationship, and also it can be the greatest partner 412 00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:35,240 Speaker 2: on earth. And you're gonna you're not gonna feel loved 413 00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:39,320 Speaker 2: if you don't love yourself first. So if you see 414 00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:42,480 Speaker 2: not they ammns, you won't be able to realize that 415 00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:46,320 Speaker 2: you're loved. You're always gonna feel insecure. 416 00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:49,480 Speaker 1: Yeah, or I always say this, if you don't give 417 00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:54,520 Speaker 1: yourself your place, you do not. I said, you're going 418 00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:58,720 Speaker 1: to allow less, I guess than from another person because 419 00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:02,280 Speaker 1: you are not, like you said, following yourself. So yeah, 420 00:24:02,359 --> 00:24:04,520 Speaker 1: I think for me, I think that's super important, Like 421 00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:06,920 Speaker 1: that's what happened for me where I'm like, okay, wait, 422 00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:10,679 Speaker 1: like I need to value myself and also recognize what 423 00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:12,720 Speaker 1: I bring to the table and I and I what 424 00:24:12,840 --> 00:24:18,040 Speaker 1: I deserve, you know, and if you know, like no more, 425 00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:20,320 Speaker 1: I'm not gonna allow this anymore in my life. And 426 00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:23,760 Speaker 1: that barely happened like a few years ago, and I 427 00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:26,159 Speaker 1: thought I had it all together. It was no I 428 00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:29,679 Speaker 1: had to learn. What's your take on going back to 429 00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:30,240 Speaker 1: an ex. 430 00:24:31,560 --> 00:24:35,400 Speaker 2: I'm not a fan of it, to be honest. Although 431 00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:43,240 Speaker 2: there's no one better absolute there is not. But I 432 00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:45,360 Speaker 2: I'm not a fan of going back to an ex 433 00:24:46,119 --> 00:24:51,440 Speaker 2: because I'm also a couple's of therapist and the thing 434 00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:54,960 Speaker 2: is that what I've seen is that most of the 435 00:24:55,920 --> 00:25:00,640 Speaker 2: of the couples they end up, they end the relationship 436 00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:05,359 Speaker 2: by problems that they had from the beginning. However, if 437 00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:07,280 Speaker 2: you want to go back to your ex and you 438 00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:10,200 Speaker 2: want to try it again, I understand and I completely 439 00:25:10,560 --> 00:25:15,080 Speaker 2: respect that, and my my invitation is to go through 440 00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:19,600 Speaker 2: the grieving process, close that relationship. It's over. Is that 441 00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:24,639 Speaker 2: glatter that you're starting a new relationship with the same person, 442 00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:29,000 Speaker 2: well a different version, because we're always evolving. But let 443 00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:33,119 Speaker 2: the relationship that end. And oh okay, I get it. 444 00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:34,880 Speaker 1: So even if you do go back with the ex, 445 00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:37,639 Speaker 1: it's like, this relationship can't be what we had before 446 00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:40,320 Speaker 1: because that obviously didn't work. So now we have to 447 00:25:40,359 --> 00:25:43,040 Speaker 1: start a different a different relationship on a different foundation. 448 00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:53,800 Speaker 1: See Okay, Yeah, Because I'm gonna say, sister, okay, and 449 00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:57,800 Speaker 1: what do you think people do wrong when when trying 450 00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:00,720 Speaker 1: to become their best self? Mmmm? 451 00:26:02,160 --> 00:26:05,080 Speaker 2: The mistakes that we make when we're trying to become 452 00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:06,640 Speaker 2: our best Yeah? 453 00:26:06,720 --> 00:26:09,679 Speaker 1: Are there is there anything? Like like something is there 454 00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:13,440 Speaker 1: a possibility of them, of us overdoing it and seeking 455 00:26:13,480 --> 00:26:17,760 Speaker 1: too much at once, possibly or I don't know, what 456 00:26:17,840 --> 00:26:18,280 Speaker 1: do you think? 457 00:26:19,119 --> 00:26:21,760 Speaker 2: I don't know. The thing is that at the beginning 458 00:26:22,040 --> 00:26:25,639 Speaker 2: we're gonna go through that, we're gonna want to overheal 459 00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:31,000 Speaker 2: because where it's it's very frustrating being in pain. So 460 00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:33,159 Speaker 2: we're gonna try to do everything. But it's part of 461 00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:36,840 Speaker 2: the process as well, because then you realize that sometimes 462 00:26:36,840 --> 00:26:39,720 Speaker 2: you need a break from healing. Sometimes you need a 463 00:26:39,720 --> 00:26:43,560 Speaker 2: break from all this podcasts, all these books, all the retreats. 464 00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:46,440 Speaker 2: And that's fine too, that's fine too, but because that's 465 00:26:46,480 --> 00:26:52,480 Speaker 2: when you realize that you can't negotiate with pain. So 466 00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:55,840 Speaker 2: something wrong. Maybe something wrong. The only thing that I 467 00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:59,960 Speaker 2: would say that we do wrong is staying kind of 468 00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:01,800 Speaker 2: tech with r X. That's the old thing. 469 00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:04,840 Speaker 1: And I would say you that gets us stuck. Yeah, 470 00:27:04,880 --> 00:27:07,439 Speaker 1: for sure. And Okay, final question in regards to this, 471 00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:12,280 Speaker 1: what's the best and worst breakup advice you've heard or 472 00:27:12,280 --> 00:27:13,480 Speaker 1: that you've received. 473 00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:20,199 Speaker 2: Okay, the worst would be just get over him, just 474 00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:24,240 Speaker 2: as if it was about choice. Okay, don't don't feel 475 00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:29,840 Speaker 2: don't be sad. Yes, and then. 476 00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:32,840 Speaker 1: You make someone feel guilty about feeling and it's like, 477 00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:35,480 Speaker 1: oh my gosh, okay, like am I am I healing 478 00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:38,640 Speaker 1: too slowly? So yeah, I agree, Yeah, that's not cool. 479 00:27:39,080 --> 00:27:41,720 Speaker 2: Same, that's not cool. And also I'm gonna add just 480 00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:46,399 Speaker 2: find someone else, find someone else. See, that's using another 481 00:27:46,440 --> 00:27:50,000 Speaker 2: person for your pain. That's actually not fair. And the 482 00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:55,480 Speaker 2: best one will be the two shell buss, These two 483 00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:58,800 Speaker 2: shell buss that's my My brother got divorced and he 484 00:27:59,080 --> 00:28:02,840 Speaker 2: went really into Buddhism. So when I went through my breakup, 485 00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:06,240 Speaker 2: he gave me a book that it's called The Storms 486 00:28:06,240 --> 00:28:09,640 Speaker 2: Can't Touch the Sky about the wars and Buddhism, and 487 00:28:09,680 --> 00:28:12,359 Speaker 2: that was really that was that really helped me to 488 00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:16,040 Speaker 2: realize that that's see, it's it's a really nice book. 489 00:28:16,320 --> 00:28:21,000 Speaker 1: Yeah, and this too shall pass. This pain will pass, 490 00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:25,000 Speaker 1: it will be fine. I always tell people hope hold on. 491 00:28:25,119 --> 00:28:26,920 Speaker 2: Pain ends. It will end. 492 00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:29,040 Speaker 1: It will And I've been through so much pain in 493 00:28:29,080 --> 00:28:33,000 Speaker 1: my life that I'm like my faith like Majuel, where 494 00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:35,879 Speaker 1: I'm like, Okay, I know that this is just temporary. 495 00:28:35,920 --> 00:28:37,800 Speaker 1: It's not going to be forever. Like, let me just 496 00:28:37,960 --> 00:28:40,800 Speaker 1: learn what I need to learn from this pain, because 497 00:28:40,840 --> 00:28:45,200 Speaker 1: there's something to learn from every situation. Guys it I 498 00:28:45,240 --> 00:28:50,080 Speaker 1: want to ask you about your podcast, So tell me 499 00:28:50,200 --> 00:28:51,800 Speaker 1: a little bit about it. We're of the most popular 500 00:28:51,840 --> 00:28:55,040 Speaker 1: episodes and why do you think they're so popular? Mmm? 501 00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:59,479 Speaker 2: Okay, that's a really good question. Okay, So about my 502 00:28:59,520 --> 00:29:04,160 Speaker 2: podcast as the most popular ones are the process after 503 00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:08,040 Speaker 2: a breakup that's one and okay, another one is gonna 504 00:29:08,040 --> 00:29:13,520 Speaker 2: be about infidelity, how to heal infidelity and but more 505 00:29:14,200 --> 00:29:20,120 Speaker 2: like healing after being unfaithful actually because that's a silent grief. 506 00:29:22,120 --> 00:29:26,120 Speaker 2: We're not allowed to grieve if we were unfaithful or 507 00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:32,120 Speaker 2: we were the third person andordia. So but that's actually 508 00:29:32,840 --> 00:29:35,840 Speaker 2: a process too, that's a healing process as well. So 509 00:29:35,880 --> 00:29:41,800 Speaker 2: that's very very powerful and also healing Gussie healing the 510 00:29:42,080 --> 00:29:45,600 Speaker 2: almost something something? Is it said in English the same 511 00:29:45,600 --> 00:29:46,120 Speaker 2: way something? 512 00:29:46,200 --> 00:29:50,560 Speaker 1: I think? Yeah, healing almost that almost Yeah makes sense. Yeah, 513 00:29:50,640 --> 00:29:53,760 Speaker 1: for sure it is the past. 514 00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:57,320 Speaker 2: Sorry, it's gonna turn five years in September. 515 00:29:57,520 --> 00:30:01,400 Speaker 1: Wow, that's awesome. You need Tom and Gantha and I 516 00:30:01,440 --> 00:30:02,040 Speaker 1: love the name. 517 00:30:03,440 --> 00:30:07,120 Speaker 2: See it's it all started because it was a reminder 518 00:30:07,240 --> 00:30:09,800 Speaker 2: for myself, like Emma, get over him, get over him. 519 00:30:09,800 --> 00:30:10,840 Speaker 2: So mm hmm. 520 00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:13,280 Speaker 1: That's that's how how I do a lot of things. 521 00:30:13,360 --> 00:30:15,200 Speaker 1: I'm like, Okay, note to myself, Like when I give 522 00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:17,120 Speaker 1: people the advice, I'm like, I'm actually giving you advice, 523 00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:19,240 Speaker 1: but I'm giving myself advice that I. 524 00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:20,480 Speaker 2: Love the name. It's super cool. 525 00:30:20,920 --> 00:30:23,640 Speaker 1: Thank you, and tell us how how can people find 526 00:30:23,680 --> 00:30:25,880 Speaker 1: you and your work? I would love for people to 527 00:30:26,040 --> 00:30:27,440 Speaker 1: because I'm sure they're going to be interested. 528 00:30:27,960 --> 00:30:30,760 Speaker 2: I think, Okay, Well, you can find my podcast that 529 00:30:30,800 --> 00:30:34,400 Speaker 2: it's all forward, and you can also find me on 530 00:30:34,520 --> 00:30:39,960 Speaker 2: Instagram as Eva E v A underscore lat that Bee 531 00:30:39,960 --> 00:30:41,800 Speaker 2: which is a hard last thing but it's going to 532 00:30:41,840 --> 00:30:45,880 Speaker 2: be l A t A p I. And yeah, you 533 00:30:45,920 --> 00:30:49,720 Speaker 2: can also find my web that it's going to be Eva. 534 00:30:49,840 --> 00:30:52,280 Speaker 2: Let that be dot com la be. 535 00:30:52,400 --> 00:30:54,280 Speaker 1: I like your last name, em. I was gonna ask you, 536 00:30:54,320 --> 00:30:55,880 Speaker 1: am I gonna am I pronouncing it correctly? 537 00:30:55,960 --> 00:30:58,320 Speaker 2: Let that be? Okay? Perfect? And it's okay. 538 00:30:58,360 --> 00:31:02,280 Speaker 1: So you are a grea And also you said couples 539 00:31:02,280 --> 00:31:03,200 Speaker 1: therapists as well. 540 00:31:03,720 --> 00:31:09,600 Speaker 2: See I'm seeing I'm a psychologist. I'm a psychologist, I'm 541 00:31:09,640 --> 00:31:13,600 Speaker 2: a couple's therapist, and I'm a grief therapist as well. 542 00:31:13,920 --> 00:31:16,720 Speaker 1: And what's your favorite out of everything you do too? 543 00:31:17,280 --> 00:31:21,840 Speaker 2: Grief grief after breakup? I have I also have a 544 00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:24,680 Speaker 2: support group that and when people it's part of my 545 00:31:24,840 --> 00:31:30,280 Speaker 2: membership and seeing the person that starts the process and 546 00:31:30,400 --> 00:31:34,040 Speaker 2: being able to even get emotional, to be honest, and 547 00:31:34,120 --> 00:31:38,080 Speaker 2: being able to see all the growth all those how 548 00:31:38,280 --> 00:31:41,400 Speaker 2: a person because I felt that way that it feels 549 00:31:41,440 --> 00:31:44,920 Speaker 2: so dark and how it starts to light up, and 550 00:31:45,360 --> 00:31:47,160 Speaker 2: that I love my work. I love what I do. 551 00:31:47,240 --> 00:31:50,240 Speaker 2: I love my job. I love it. I love it. 552 00:31:50,280 --> 00:31:52,200 Speaker 1: I love when people are passionate and you can tell. 553 00:31:52,720 --> 00:31:55,480 Speaker 1: And I mean it goes to show with with your podcast, 554 00:31:55,600 --> 00:31:58,360 Speaker 1: you know, and and and yeah, you're helping the world. 555 00:31:58,520 --> 00:32:00,400 Speaker 1: You're doing like what I like to say, you're doing 556 00:32:00,400 --> 00:32:04,000 Speaker 1: God's work because we need guidance. We need guidance, and 557 00:32:04,040 --> 00:32:07,240 Speaker 1: I don't enough people talk about grief and loss. And 558 00:32:07,840 --> 00:32:09,600 Speaker 1: that's how I felt, you know, even like I told 559 00:32:09,640 --> 00:32:11,920 Speaker 1: you earlier, like I lost my mom, but I also 560 00:32:11,920 --> 00:32:15,240 Speaker 1: felt like I was losing, like I was losing my relationship. 561 00:32:15,280 --> 00:32:16,920 Speaker 1: I was going through a huge loss. So it's like 562 00:32:16,960 --> 00:32:19,680 Speaker 1: it goes hand in hand. So I think it's beautiful 563 00:32:19,680 --> 00:32:23,840 Speaker 1: what you're doing. And if there's anything that we miss 564 00:32:23,920 --> 00:32:25,920 Speaker 1: that you would like to add, any advice, anything that 565 00:32:25,960 --> 00:32:28,400 Speaker 1: you would want to leave the listeners with. 566 00:32:28,920 --> 00:32:31,160 Speaker 2: Yes, thank you. First of all, thank you for having 567 00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:34,720 Speaker 2: me and we're opening the mic for this type of topics. 568 00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:38,800 Speaker 2: Thank you for that. And also I just want to say, 569 00:32:39,560 --> 00:32:42,360 Speaker 2: if someone is having a hard time and they're listening 570 00:32:42,400 --> 00:32:45,960 Speaker 2: to us, sick for help or just help? Is there 571 00:32:46,480 --> 00:32:50,400 Speaker 2: just And if you don't feel safe with with with 572 00:32:50,480 --> 00:32:53,959 Speaker 2: the people that you talk to or your tribe, find 573 00:32:54,320 --> 00:32:59,880 Speaker 2: a therapist. I'm always gonna recommend therapy. Yeah, find a therapist, 574 00:33:00,000 --> 00:33:04,600 Speaker 2: ant ask for help. You're not alone in this too, 575 00:33:04,600 --> 00:33:05,400 Speaker 2: shell us. 576 00:33:05,440 --> 00:33:08,160 Speaker 1: Oh I love it. Yes, this two shell pass guys. 577 00:33:08,160 --> 00:33:11,600 Speaker 1: You're not alone. Notice you're not the first and the last, 578 00:33:11,880 --> 00:33:13,920 Speaker 1: and we have been through it and we're here to 579 00:33:13,920 --> 00:33:17,600 Speaker 1: guide you and you know, follow follow Eva is you 580 00:33:17,640 --> 00:33:20,080 Speaker 1: guys have any questions? Again, she gave you guys her 581 00:33:20,120 --> 00:33:26,560 Speaker 1: social media, her website and her podcast as well. Yes, 582 00:33:26,600 --> 00:33:29,520 Speaker 1: I really appreciate it. You have a very calming energy 583 00:33:29,560 --> 00:33:31,239 Speaker 1: to you and I and I loved it. I love 584 00:33:31,280 --> 00:33:33,640 Speaker 1: the conversation and we're going to help so many people hopefully. 585 00:33:34,440 --> 00:33:37,240 Speaker 2: See. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you so much. 586 00:33:37,720 --> 00:33:39,680 Speaker 1: Thank you guys so much for listening to this episode. 587 00:33:40,200 --> 00:33:43,240 Speaker 1: Los qomuch. I appreciate you guys coming back every week 588 00:33:43,280 --> 00:33:45,880 Speaker 1: to listen and I will catch you on the next 589 00:33:45,920 --> 00:33:52,680 Speaker 1: episode of Cheeky's and Chillsos. This is a production of 590 00:33:52,760 --> 00:33:56,880 Speaker 1: iHeartRadio and the Michael Dura podcast Network. Follow us on 591 00:33:56,920 --> 00:34:00,320 Speaker 1: Instagram at Michael Doura Podcasts, then follow me Cheeky's, That's 592 00:34:00,360 --> 00:34:03,360 Speaker 1: c H I t U I S. For more podcasts 593 00:34:03,360 --> 00:34:07,400 Speaker 1: from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever 594 00:34:07,480 --> 00:34:09,200 Speaker 1: you listen to your favorite podcast.