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Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.

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Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man.

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Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to

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Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the

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Speaker 1: R Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.

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Speaker 1: Greetings and welcome to the our Spot, the place we

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Speaker 1: come to talk about, to examine, to explore, hopefully, to

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Speaker 1: heal and uplift relationships, all kinds of relationships. I am

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Speaker 1: young La van Zant. Today we're talking about what I

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Speaker 1: think is one of the most sacred, it yet complicated

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Speaker 1: relationships that we encounter as human beings. And that's the

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Speaker 1: relationship between mother and daughter. I had two daughters. I've

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Speaker 1: lost both of them. When I think about my relationships

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Speaker 1: with them, my relationship with my oldest daughter, Jamia was

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Speaker 1: probably one of the most fulfilling, loving, sacred relationships in

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Speaker 1: my life, or at least that's what I thought until

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Speaker 1: she passed on and I read her journals, and what

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Speaker 1: I realized was that she was having a relationship with

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Speaker 1: me that I was totally unaware of, and I was

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Speaker 1: having a relationship with her that she didn't experience. Then

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Speaker 1: with my youngest daughter, who just recently passed away, I'm

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Speaker 1: real clear that we had a contentious relationship and it

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Speaker 1: took me years and years to figure out what was

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Speaker 1: the problem. She was the baby, she was spoiled, rotten,

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Speaker 1: she will spoil rotten, and she demanded, required and really

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Speaker 1: got more attention from me than any of my other children.

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Speaker 1: But the contention in our relationship I discovered was that

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Speaker 1: she represented the part and parts of me that I

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Speaker 1: couldn't see, didn't want to see, never accepted about myself,

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Speaker 1: and projected on to her the thing she needed to

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Speaker 1: do to correct herself when I hadn't corrected those things

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Speaker 1: in me. And once ide got that and I began

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Speaker 1: to shift, unfortunately it was too late. There was so

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Speaker 1: much damage done in our relationship. Her experience of me

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Speaker 1: had been going on for so long until she was

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Speaker 1: unable or unwilling to shift. Because you know, we get

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Speaker 1: into a habit of seeing people a certain way, and

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Speaker 1: even when they change, we still see them as the

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Speaker 1: way they were instead of the way they are. So

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Speaker 1: we got along, We didn't fight, We got along, but

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Speaker 1: it was really really difficult. It was really challenging, and

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Speaker 1: I know I'm not alone. I know there are hundreds

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Speaker 1: of thousands of mothers and daughters who are just at odds,

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Speaker 1: who just have contention.

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Speaker 2: And what I.

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Speaker 1: Always say to moms is, no matter what happens or

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Speaker 1: how it happens, it's going to end up in your lap.

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Speaker 1: And they don't understand that children all children. But as women,

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Speaker 1: it's really really important that we understand that our daughters

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Speaker 1: bring to life our subconscious issues. Our daughters bring to

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Speaker 1: life our subconscious issues, and they show us who we

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Speaker 1: are and who we're not, and then they experience it

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Speaker 1: the way they experience it. And as moms we have

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Speaker 1: to take the high road, and very often we are

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Speaker 1: so hurt, so busy trying to control or fix or

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Speaker 1: change our daughters till we don't do the inner work

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Speaker 1: required to heal the relationship. That wasn't my case. I

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Speaker 1: did the inner work, and my daughter just had a

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Speaker 1: habit of seeing and experiencing me a certain way. She

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Speaker 1: was my baby girl, and I loved her. I loved

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Speaker 1: her with all my heart. I still love her, and

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Speaker 1: now that she's not in the body, I want to

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Speaker 1: say we have a much better relationship. But you don't

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Speaker 1: have to wait till then, moms and daughters, because I

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Speaker 1: think what daughters forget is that before your mom was

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Speaker 1: your mother, she was a woman. She was a little girl,

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Speaker 1: and she has a story, and she has issues, and

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Speaker 1: she has challenges. And so instead of seeing her as

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Speaker 1: just your mother with your requirements and demands and judgments,

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Speaker 1: remember she's a woman who was a little girl, who

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Speaker 1: has a history and a story that determines how she's

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Speaker 1: going to show up in your life. So today we

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Speaker 1: have a divine opportunity to take a look at the

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Speaker 1: sacredness and the challenges that go on in a relationship

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Speaker 1: between mother and daughter. So I'm going to take a

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Speaker 1: deep breath because what I know as a coach and

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Speaker 1: as a minister is my guests today are bringing my

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Speaker 1: issues right up in my face. So hopefully, hopefully I

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Speaker 1: can give them what I have. I can give them

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Speaker 1: what I needed, I can give them what I learned

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Speaker 1: from a place of love and compassion. So let's get started. Greetings, beloved,

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Speaker 1: and welcome to the R Spot. Today we are talking

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Speaker 1: about a sacred and complicated relationship, the one that exists

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Speaker 1: between mothers and daughters. So what do you bring into

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Speaker 1: the table today.

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Speaker 3: I've never been close to my mother. I've never had

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Speaker 3: a relationship with my mother and my father perfect. My

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Speaker 3: mother never had anything. He's gone years about talking with

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Speaker 3: our longest find being four years. I'm thirty three. So basically,

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Speaker 3: I've been listening to your podcast and I've learned that

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Speaker 3: I don't know how to be in relationship with my mother.

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Speaker 3: I've tried, I've tried counseling, but what I've realized is

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Speaker 3: I do not like her as a person. I've also

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Speaker 3: learned that that means that I don't like parts of myself.

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Speaker 3: But I'm trying to figure out how do I move

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Speaker 3: forward in a relationship with somebody who I feel like

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Speaker 3: is always negative and they talked about everybody like there's

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Speaker 3: really nothing positive that I can say about my mom,

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Speaker 3: and I don't like that. But I'm just trying to

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Speaker 3: figure out, like, how do I move forward in a

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Speaker 3: relationship with her. Not to mention she just got diagnosed

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Speaker 3: with cancer last year, and then just this July, when

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Speaker 3: I stopped talking to her again, she got into another accident.

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Speaker 3: Now she can't walk, and the family was trying to

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Speaker 3: pressure on me to go take care of her. And

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Speaker 3: it just was a lot. So I'm just trying to

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Speaker 3: figure out how to move forward.

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Speaker 1: Wow. I find it interesting that you say you've always

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Speaker 1: had a strange relationship with her. Take me back as

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Speaker 1: far as you can to when you realize that your

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Speaker 1: relationship with her was strained.

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Speaker 3: The furthest back that I can't remember is about seven

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Speaker 3: years old when we moved into our house. The way

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Speaker 3: that it was was my mom would come home and

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Speaker 3: go straight to her room and smoke and drink. My

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Speaker 3: stepdad would take care of us, He would do things

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Speaker 3: with us. But I literally never had a relationship with her.

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Speaker 3: And if she was talking to us, she was yelling

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Speaker 3: at us. I have two brothers, That's why I say us.

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Speaker 3: She was just yelling at us or telling us we

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Speaker 3: didn't do our chores right, or if she came home

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Speaker 3: and we did our tours perfectly, but there's a pin

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Speaker 3: on the floor, we would all get beat, lined up

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Speaker 3: and beat. So it was just like I just I

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Speaker 3: never could be close to her. And now she's trying

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Speaker 3: to be in my life. But it's like it's been

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Speaker 3: years and years of torture and now she's trying to

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Speaker 3: act like nothing happened. And I should just be her friend.

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Speaker 3: I'm just like I can't like you know, I can't

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Speaker 3: open up to you. I don't trust you.

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Speaker 1: You said years of torture. What does that mean?

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Speaker 3: It's funny because I actually found a note yesterday. So

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Speaker 3: in this note, I broke down that she took my

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Speaker 3: birthdays away from me for dumb reasons, like to pend

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Speaker 3: on the floor. She would just say, you can't have

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Speaker 3: a birthday this year. She would come home and yell

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Speaker 3: at us. She would constantly put me on punishment. I

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Speaker 3: never got praised for anything. I only got things pointed

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Speaker 3: out if they were wrong. I was an ab suit

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Speaker 3: and nothing was ever. I never had any problems. She

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Speaker 3: would hold money over my head to try to control me,

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Speaker 3: and that's why that's when I first I found my

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Speaker 3: first form of independence when I was nineteen, because I

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Speaker 3: finally started making my own money. She couldn't control me anymore,

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Speaker 3: and I was the first one of all three kids

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Speaker 3: who broke free of her control. Basically, she would hit

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Speaker 3: me all the time. I personally felt like she hated me.

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Speaker 3: She told me she did it when we went to counseling,

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Speaker 3: but I felt like she hated me because she hates

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Speaker 3: my dad, and I looked like my dad, and I

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Speaker 3: act like my dad.

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Speaker 1: There it is right there, right there. Wait a minute,

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Speaker 1: Wait a minute, Wait a minute. Take a breath, Take

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Speaker 1: a breath. Wow, m tell me what's going on right there,

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Speaker 1: right there? What's happening for you? Right now?

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Speaker 3: I'm about to cry, but.

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Speaker 1: Don't run away from it. Sit in it for a minute,

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Speaker 1: and let's get that together. Because I was going to

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Speaker 1: ask you. I heard you say your stepdad took care

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Speaker 1: of you. Your dad didn't, So your mom hated your dad. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: as a young as a young girl, you don't remember

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Speaker 1: having closeness nurturing from her. She would go in her

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Speaker 1: room and smoke and drink. No closeness, no communication, no rewards,

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Speaker 1: no affirmation from her.

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Speaker 3: Yep.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, And that continued until you became a teenager. And

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Speaker 1: what did you tell yourself about out why she treated

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Speaker 1: you like that?

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Speaker 3: I just told myself my mom treated me poorly because

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Speaker 3: she's crazy. Because it logically didn't make sense. I had

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Speaker 3: a's and b's, I did all my chords. When I

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Speaker 3: would go to my dad or my grandmaself, I never

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Speaker 3: got whooping. It was only with her, so it didn't

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Speaker 3: make sense to me.

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Speaker 1: Okay, she was crazy. When did you make that decision?

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Speaker 1: How old were you?

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Speaker 3: That's probably when I was like eight or nine. It

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Speaker 3: was very early. It was when we first moved to

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Speaker 3: the house.

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Speaker 1: Although you say she hated your dad or maybe things

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Speaker 1: happened in her relationship as a woman, things happened in

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Speaker 1: her relationship with him that had nothing to do with you,

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Speaker 1: but that she never healed. Is that a possibility.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I believe that.

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Speaker 1: I heard you say that. Y'all have gone years without talking.

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Speaker 1: What made that happen? What brought that about?

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Speaker 3: Well, the first time was when I was nineteen. She

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Speaker 3: just she found out that I was a lesbian. I

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Speaker 3: came to Atlanta, and I already was interested in women

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Speaker 3: in Ohio, but during that time, at that time, it

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Speaker 3: wasn't as accepted as it is now, So I didn't

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Speaker 3: want to come out until I went to college, if

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Speaker 3: that makes sense. So she found out somehow, and then

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Speaker 3: she called me all kind of slud bidget whores sold,

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Speaker 3: gave me Bible verses. So then we then I I'm

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Speaker 3: not gonna lie. I said a Bible verse back to

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Speaker 3: her and told her that she could miss adult tree.

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Speaker 3: You know, because she was and I felt like he

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Speaker 3: was attacking me. I packed her back and told her,

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Speaker 3: were you commit adultery? And you know there's no fin

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Speaker 3: above the other, like that's in the Bible too, So

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Speaker 3: I did that and then I didn't talk to her

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Speaker 3: after that, and then the biggest blowout was when I

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Speaker 3: was twenty three, So from twenty three to twenty seven,

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Speaker 3: she didn't We didn't talk because I actually had a

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Speaker 3: girlfriend at that time, and I brought her to Ohio

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Speaker 3: told me to bring her to Ohio when I when

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Speaker 3: I came there, she just flipped out and I was like,

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Speaker 3: I don't even think she wanted us to come, and

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Speaker 3: she cussed me out again. And then I told her

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Speaker 3: that I was leaving, and she was like, I don't care,

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Speaker 3: and I'm taking off my life insurance. I mean, if

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Speaker 3: I care about the left matures. But the point is

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Speaker 3: she didn't care about was leaving, and that hurt my

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Speaker 3: feelings because I'm like, damn, you don't even care that

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Speaker 3: I'm leaving, even though I don't really like you either,

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Speaker 3: but like I would a least think you would care

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Speaker 3: that your daughter's leaving, you know. So we didn't talk

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Speaker 3: for four years and I told her that I would

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Speaker 3: never have a relationship with her ever again unless she

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Speaker 3: agrees to counseling with a counseling for a year. That helped.

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Speaker 1: But it wait a minute, Your mother, your crazy mother,

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Speaker 1: who hated you, who thought you were a slut of bee,

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Speaker 1: a hole whatever, went to counseling with you. M interesting, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: Well did you ever try to reach out to her

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Speaker 1: in those four years?

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Speaker 3: Never? Because she's just It's just I'm always the one

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Speaker 3: being hurt, so I couldn't.

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Speaker 1: Did she ever try to reach out to you in

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Speaker 1: those four years?

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Speaker 3: See, the only reason why she called me was because

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Speaker 3: my little cousin, which is her best friend's mom, she

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Speaker 3: was going through the same thing with her daughter, and

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Speaker 3: I guess it made her so she called me.

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Speaker 1: Does it matter why she made the first move?

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Speaker 3: No?

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Speaker 1: So that was a twenty seven So from twenty seven

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Speaker 1: to thirty three, what has that looked like now?

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Speaker 3: So from twenty seven to thirty two, I told her

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Speaker 3: that I really would like for her to not call

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Speaker 3: me and just text me because when she would call,

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Speaker 3: I would get anxiety, like really bad anxiety. When she

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Speaker 3: would call me, like it would just freak me out,

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Speaker 3: like every time she called, I would rather her text me,

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Speaker 3: so she didn't listen to me for the first three

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Speaker 3: years of that. She just started listening when I was

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Speaker 3: like thirty one turning thirty two, and then we were

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Speaker 3: able to get closer. So like all of last year,

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Speaker 3: we were able to get closer. But then this year

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Speaker 3: I got triggered again because I went to Costa Rica

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Speaker 3: four months. I didn't talk to anybody. I needed time

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Speaker 3: to myself. And while I was there in Costa Rica,

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Speaker 3: people were reaching out, including my mom. But I realize

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Speaker 3: every time my mom would reach out, I would just

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Speaker 3: feel like, Oh, I don't want to tap her. Oh

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Speaker 3: I don't want to talk to her. I did some

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Speaker 3: work and when I was journeying, I found out that

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Speaker 3: I don't don't want to talk to her because every

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Speaker 3: time I do, it's something negative. Every single time I

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Speaker 3: answer the phone, there's some type of immediate vent, negative vent.

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Speaker 3: And that's exactly what happened. When I got back in July.

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Speaker 3: I answered the phone for her, and as soon as

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Speaker 3: I answered the phone, it was three back to back

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Speaker 3: negative situations and I was I just got so overwhelmed

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Speaker 3: when I shut down, and I haven't talked her since July.

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Speaker 3: I just like I feel overwhelmed.

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Speaker 1: We'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back

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Speaker 1: to the R spot. Let's pick up where we left off.

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Speaker 1: How do you define negative? You said it was three

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Speaker 1: negative situations.

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Speaker 3: Complaining talking about people, so sho. So when she calls me,

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Speaker 3: she'll say, yeah, your brother, this pasty town. Yeah, your

273
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Speaker 3: brother and his fucking baby mama, telling me all their

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Speaker 3: businesses if I need to know their business. And then

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Speaker 3: the next thing, again, I will talking to this guy

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Speaker 3: and he's he's this, he's but I don't want to

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Speaker 3: hear that. Like when I call my dad, it's positive,

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Speaker 3: it's uplifting. When she calls me, it's just a dump

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Speaker 3: of like this low vibrational conversation and it just it

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Speaker 3: drains my energy.

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Speaker 1: And what if you're the only person she feels safe

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Speaker 1: enough to talk to.

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Speaker 3: My brain is telling me, how could that be if

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Speaker 3: we don't even really.

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Speaker 1: Talk like that, But somebody who stays in their room

286
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Speaker 1: and smokes and drinks. The communication issues that you're identifying

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Speaker 1: didn't start with you. Apparently she's had them a long time,

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Speaker 1: and if she hasn't done anything to improve them, maybe

289
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Speaker 1: that's the only way she knows how to communicate, and

290
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Speaker 1: maybe she feels safe enough or familiar enough to share

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Speaker 1: that with you, because you haven't created a boundary with

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Speaker 1: her and said, Mom, I don't want to hear that,

293
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Speaker 1: or Mom, I don't want to talk about that. Mom,

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Speaker 1: you can call me and talk about my brother. Please

295
00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:08,199
Speaker 1: don't do that. You haven't created the boundary, okay. And

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Speaker 1: that's because it's not the thirty three year old woman

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Speaker 1: dealing with her, it's the seven year old child. You

298
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Speaker 1: haven't grown up her in her space yet. Yeah, what

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Speaker 1: is your mother's story? How old was she when she

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Speaker 1: had you?

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Speaker 3: She was twenty four and she had my brother when

302
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,600
Speaker 3: she was twenty with my brother, so she got pregnant

303
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Speaker 3: in college. Just two different stories. Her version is she

304
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Speaker 3: was raped. My dad's version is she wasn't because he

305
00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:38,080
Speaker 3: knew the guys and currently on my dad's version, she was,

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Speaker 3: you know, doing what she was doing, cheating on him,

307
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Speaker 3: got pregnant with my brother. She lied and told everybody like,

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Speaker 3: oh I got raped. I don't know. I don't know,

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Speaker 3: but I know my mom is. She lies a lot.

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Speaker 3: But in my mind I kind of believe my dad

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Speaker 3: because she's I was lying, but I will say that

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Speaker 3: either way, she was young. She was nineteen and she

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Speaker 3: found out she was pregnant at like five months, so

314
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Speaker 3: she didn't even have much time to prepare for my brother.

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Speaker 3: My dad stepped up, even though he knew that that

316
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Speaker 3: wasn't his child, because he knew who the father was.

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Speaker 3: He stepped up. And then four years later I came.

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Speaker 3: My dad was in the military, he was gone. I

319
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Speaker 3: was born on a military base while he was at war.

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Speaker 3: My mom was all alone on the base in South Carolina.

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Speaker 3: So she drove back to Ohio with my grandma about

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Speaker 3: a month before I was born. So I was born

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Speaker 3: in Ohio. And then after that she met my stepdad

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Speaker 3: in Ohio and he's been in my life since a baby.

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Speaker 3: So I've never seen my mom and my dad together ever.

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Speaker 1: She got pregnant in college. How did her mother respond

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Speaker 1: to that.

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Speaker 3: I don't know how her mom responded, but I know

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Speaker 3: that my my great grandmother, which is her grandmother, which

330
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Speaker 3: is who was taking care of her, because my mom

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Speaker 3: also had a straight relationship with her mother. So my

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Speaker 3: mom went to Birmingham when she was sixteen, stayed with

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Speaker 3: my great grandmother. I know my great grandmother. She wasn't happy,

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Speaker 3: but she was supported her and all of my aunts

335
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Speaker 3: that were in Bermia, which we have a really big family.

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Speaker 1: So my mother wasn't there for her when she got

337
00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:06,840
Speaker 1: pregnant in college and came home or whatever to have

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Speaker 1: a baby. Her mother wasn't there for her at a

339
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:12,880
Speaker 1: critical time in her life, right, the same way your

340
00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:15,280
Speaker 1: mother wasn't there for you at a critical time in

341
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Speaker 1: your life when you came out. Yeah, if her mother

342
00:19:20,359 --> 00:19:23,840
Speaker 1: wasn't there for her at a critical time in her life,

343
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Speaker 1: where do you think she would have learned how to

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Speaker 1: be there for you?

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Speaker 3: Actually, I don't. I don't not. Once we went through

346
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Speaker 3: Countling and I talked to my mom, and then I

347
00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:37,400
Speaker 3: talked to my grandmother, I realized y'all have the same story. Right,

348
00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:40,920
Speaker 3: So once I learned that, that completely is out of

349
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Speaker 3: the window. Now now I know that she couldn't even

350
00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:44,760
Speaker 3: give to me. She didn't have it. You don't even

351
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:46,040
Speaker 3: know what it looks like or feels like.

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Speaker 1: Well, if you know she doesn't have it, if you

353
00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:52,520
Speaker 1: know she never seen it, she didn't receive it, why

354
00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:54,560
Speaker 1: are you still expecting her to give it to you?

355
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Speaker 3: I think I'm not really expecting for her to give

356
00:19:57,119 --> 00:20:00,800
Speaker 3: me an love. I I just thought, I just don't

357
00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:04,959
Speaker 3: want to be her dumping board for her negativity. Like

358
00:20:05,359 --> 00:20:08,359
Speaker 3: it's literally as soon as I answer it.

359
00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:11,240
Speaker 1: Dump I get that. I get that, But I also

360
00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:16,040
Speaker 1: want you to consider, what if you are the person

361
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:21,439
Speaker 1: she feels safe enough, familiar enough to share those things.

362
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:24,600
Speaker 1: What if as a young woman she had no place

363
00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:28,840
Speaker 1: to ask questions to be nurtured or guided the same

364
00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:32,480
Speaker 1: way she didn't guide and nurture you. See, the thing

365
00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:36,800
Speaker 1: that I know is that children bring to life the

366
00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:41,120
Speaker 1: subconscious issues of the parents, the things the parents can't see,

367
00:20:41,359 --> 00:20:47,200
Speaker 1: don't see, can't accept, won't accept about themselves. Very often,

368
00:20:48,359 --> 00:20:52,120
Speaker 1: the children bring those to life and they live them out.

369
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Speaker 1: And if you're saying you were a good kid, a

370
00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:58,000
Speaker 1: peaceful kid, a smart kid, you knew that there was

371
00:20:58,119 --> 00:21:01,399
Speaker 1: probably a part of her she was in college that

372
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Speaker 1: was good and peaceful and loving, or that nobody ever affirmed.

373
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Speaker 1: You know, I know that she didn't do it for you,

374
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Speaker 1: which says to me, nobody did it for her. But

375
00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:24,600
Speaker 1: you stuck at seven or six, have made this about

376
00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:28,879
Speaker 1: how she treats you and not about who she is.

377
00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:33,280
Speaker 1: And when I'm hearing in your conversation you don't want

378
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Speaker 1: your mother to be who she is.

379
00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:39,000
Speaker 3: I think there's true to that where you said I

380
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Speaker 3: don't want her to be herself because when I first

381
00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:43,040
Speaker 3: came well, when she first came back there on at

382
00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:45,600
Speaker 3: twenty seven, I wanted to go to counsel because I

383
00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:48,800
Speaker 3: can't deal with you if you're going to be that person.

384
00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:51,960
Speaker 3: But that is her and I tell her, yeah, I

385
00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:54,320
Speaker 3: don't accept her, ask who she is.

386
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Speaker 1: Here's a pearl for clutching. Okay, don't even clutch your pearls.

387
00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:01,520
Speaker 1: Don't even just take this one pearl and clutch it

388
00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:05,200
Speaker 1: to your bosom. What if you are doing to her

389
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:09,000
Speaker 1: the exact same thing you say she did to you.

390
00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:15,160
Speaker 1: What if rejecting her, not talking to her, judging her,

391
00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:21,119
Speaker 1: seeing her wrongness, not affirming her, not acknowledging her, not

392
00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:24,960
Speaker 1: looking beyond your hurt and upset, not looking at her story,

393
00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:30,119
Speaker 1: dismissing her truth. What if she really was raped because

394
00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:32,800
Speaker 1: that simply means that somebody wanted to have sex with

395
00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:36,199
Speaker 1: her and she said no. What if she really was

396
00:22:36,359 --> 00:22:39,920
Speaker 1: raped in her mind? But the peace that I want

397
00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:41,880
Speaker 1: you to get to love it, whether you go take

398
00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:43,639
Speaker 1: care of her or not will deal with that in

399
00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:48,119
Speaker 1: a minute. Is that you are doing to her the

400
00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:51,680
Speaker 1: very same thing you accuse her of doing to you,

401
00:22:52,359 --> 00:22:57,199
Speaker 1: which is not accepting her for who she is. She

402
00:22:57,280 --> 00:23:00,520
Speaker 1: doesn't accept you because you're gay. You don't accept her

403
00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:03,760
Speaker 1: because she's a wounded, broken little girl who grew into

404
00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:06,919
Speaker 1: a wounded, broken woman. Let me tell you something, if

405
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:09,840
Speaker 1: your mother hated you, she would have never stepped foot

406
00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:11,359
Speaker 1: in the counselor's office.

407
00:23:11,480 --> 00:23:12,240
Speaker 3: I can accept that.

408
00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:15,800
Speaker 1: Can you accept that? Looking at your mother, you're looking

409
00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:20,040
Speaker 1: at another part of yourself. You call yourself nice and

410
00:23:20,119 --> 00:23:23,000
Speaker 1: sweet and loving. You haven't said not one nice, sweet,

411
00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:26,679
Speaker 1: loving thing about her. You have told me every single

412
00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:29,840
Speaker 1: thing that's wrong with her. Does she have nice eyes?

413
00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:32,879
Speaker 1: Does she have nice hair? Did she make you a

414
00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:37,919
Speaker 1: good sandwich? Yeah? Yes, she beat you or punished you

415
00:23:38,200 --> 00:23:42,040
Speaker 1: and controlled you with money. But that wasn't who she is.

416
00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:47,040
Speaker 1: That's what she did from her brokenness, her wounds and

417
00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:51,920
Speaker 1: won't personal. Wasn't even about you. People do what they

418
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:55,359
Speaker 1: do based on who they are and the information that

419
00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:58,040
Speaker 1: they have at the time. And you've made her hurt,

420
00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:02,280
Speaker 1: her brokenness, her woundedness, all about her, which she probably

421
00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:09,240
Speaker 1: inherited from her mother. But you, little miss Sunshine, you

422
00:24:09,359 --> 00:24:13,240
Speaker 1: probably show her things about herself that she's never even

423
00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:17,200
Speaker 1: considered were present, and she can't see it. She can't

424
00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:20,560
Speaker 1: accept it, she can't receive it. And it's not about you,

425
00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:23,440
Speaker 1: it's about her brokenness.

426
00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:26,400
Speaker 3: So if I say to her like, hey, I don't

427
00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:29,440
Speaker 3: want to talk about my brother, like I create a boundary.

428
00:24:30,440 --> 00:24:32,400
Speaker 3: If I create a boundary on everything.

429
00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:34,840
Speaker 1: Well, first of all, you can't do that until you

430
00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:37,480
Speaker 1: grow up. You got to grow yourself up in your

431
00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:41,359
Speaker 1: mother's presence and be willing to stand with her woman

432
00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:44,000
Speaker 1: to woman. And you still get not to like her,

433
00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:47,400
Speaker 1: you know, you still get to if you wouldn't pick

434
00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:49,960
Speaker 1: her as a friend. She don't have to be your friend,

435
00:24:50,119 --> 00:24:53,280
Speaker 1: but she's your mother, and without her you wouldn't be here,

436
00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:59,240
Speaker 1: gay or straight, Ohio or Alabama. Where's the gratitude for that?

437
00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:01,679
Speaker 3: What do I do that? I don't tell what to do?

438
00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:04,600
Speaker 1: Now, take a breath, Take a breath. That's what you do.

439
00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:08,600
Speaker 1: You don't have to do anything. Let's see if we

440
00:25:08,600 --> 00:25:13,600
Speaker 1: can get you to be thirty three. We'll talk more

441
00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:21,399
Speaker 1: about it when we come back. Welcome back to the

442
00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:25,600
Speaker 1: R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. I had

443
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:28,440
Speaker 1: a daughter like you who she I don't care what

444
00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:30,560
Speaker 1: I did or how I did it. It was never right.

445
00:25:32,119 --> 00:25:35,800
Speaker 1: She always saw the negative that I did because growing

446
00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:39,439
Speaker 1: up I was so dysfunctional that I infected her with

447
00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:43,200
Speaker 1: my dysfunction. And then as I healed up and cleaned up,

448
00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:46,639
Speaker 1: even though she grew up, she still saw me as dysfunctional.

449
00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:51,320
Speaker 1: So I heard you say that your your mother now

450
00:25:51,359 --> 00:25:54,320
Speaker 1: has cancer and she had an accident and she can't walk.

451
00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:56,600
Speaker 1: So I want you to close your eyes for a minute.

452
00:25:56,720 --> 00:25:59,000
Speaker 1: Close your eyes for just a minute, and I want

453
00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:02,399
Speaker 1: you to see your mom as you know her, to

454
00:26:02,440 --> 00:26:07,560
Speaker 1: be bandaged from head to toe like a mummy. The

455
00:26:07,600 --> 00:26:10,320
Speaker 1: only thing that's out is her eyes and her nose

456
00:26:10,359 --> 00:26:13,120
Speaker 1: and her mouth. Can't see her hair, you can't see

457
00:26:13,119 --> 00:26:16,679
Speaker 1: her head. You can't see her arms, her fingers, her legs. Nothing,

458
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:21,960
Speaker 1: see her bandaged. And how would you treat her? How

459
00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:24,960
Speaker 1: would you treat her if you walked into a room

460
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:27,320
Speaker 1: and that's what she looked like? What would you do?

461
00:26:29,240 --> 00:26:32,200
Speaker 3: Probably give her something to eat through a straw?

462
00:26:32,760 --> 00:26:35,920
Speaker 1: How about ask her mom, do you need anything?

463
00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:38,400
Speaker 3: I think this is important. I don't know. I feel

464
00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:40,919
Speaker 3: like I need to give this to you. But when

465
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:43,119
Speaker 3: I was in a Fio in July, it was the

466
00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:46,159
Speaker 3: last time I got there she called me because it

467
00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:48,040
Speaker 3: was like a week you know that call I told

468
00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:49,560
Speaker 3: you about where she dumped all of it on me

469
00:26:50,359 --> 00:26:52,199
Speaker 3: for a week. After my older brother was having a

470
00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:55,439
Speaker 3: baby shower, so I flew to Ohio and she had

471
00:26:55,480 --> 00:26:57,520
Speaker 3: an accident. That's how she ended up mouth walking. She

472
00:26:57,560 --> 00:27:00,199
Speaker 3: already had the cancer, was walking when she goes me

473
00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:02,639
Speaker 3: when I got there. It was the day before I

474
00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:05,320
Speaker 3: got there, she had the accident that landed her in

475
00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:08,760
Speaker 3: the hospital. And when I walked into the hospital and

476
00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:10,720
Speaker 3: she called me at the baby showers, I couldn't even

477
00:27:11,200 --> 00:27:14,040
Speaker 3: enjoy the baby shower, which kind of irritating me because

478
00:27:14,040 --> 00:27:16,199
Speaker 3: I was over here for thirty minutes she called. So

479
00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:17,960
Speaker 3: of course I went to the hospital with both my

480
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:21,000
Speaker 3: brothers because we were all there. And when I walked

481
00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:24,200
Speaker 3: in and I seen her in the hospital bed, there

482
00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:25,959
Speaker 3: was a part of me that came up that was

483
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:28,760
Speaker 3: like it was like not happy that she was there,

484
00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:30,520
Speaker 3: but it was more so like, yeah, that's how I

485
00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:33,080
Speaker 3: felt as a kid, and I felt so bad or

486
00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:35,840
Speaker 3: feeling like that, but I didn't it just came up,

487
00:27:36,119 --> 00:27:39,640
Speaker 3: like to see her in pain. Yeah, that's how I thought.

488
00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:42,560
Speaker 1: That's a typical seven year old response. Good for you,

489
00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:46,240
Speaker 1: see see good for you. That's normal.

490
00:27:46,440 --> 00:27:46,760
Speaker 3: Okay.

491
00:27:47,200 --> 00:27:49,480
Speaker 1: And now you, as a thirty three year old, were

492
00:27:49,480 --> 00:27:50,520
Speaker 1: probably horrified.

493
00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:52,679
Speaker 3: Yeah I was.

494
00:27:52,920 --> 00:27:56,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, but that's what a kid would do. And that's

495
00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:58,920
Speaker 1: what I really want you to get. You're not dealing

496
00:27:58,960 --> 00:28:02,400
Speaker 1: with your mom as a thirty three year old, rational,

497
00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:06,359
Speaker 1: rationally minded woman. You're still dealing with her from the

498
00:28:06,480 --> 00:28:10,440
Speaker 1: fear and they're upset and their anger as a seven

499
00:28:10,520 --> 00:28:13,399
Speaker 1: year old. And that's fine, but you just have to

500
00:28:13,480 --> 00:28:16,879
Speaker 1: be aware of that and do something different as a

501
00:28:16,920 --> 00:28:20,840
Speaker 1: thirty three year old woman, create clear boundaries with her

502
00:28:21,119 --> 00:28:27,160
Speaker 1: and again dealing woman to woman, not child to adult.

503
00:28:27,880 --> 00:28:30,959
Speaker 1: Woman to woman. You want to come from a place

504
00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:35,919
Speaker 1: of love, honor, and respect. Ma, I can't. I can't

505
00:28:35,920 --> 00:28:38,800
Speaker 1: with you. I can't do me a favor. It breaks

506
00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:41,040
Speaker 1: my heart when you talk about my brother like that.

507
00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:44,880
Speaker 1: So I'm going to make a request that you don't

508
00:28:44,920 --> 00:28:48,560
Speaker 1: talk to me about my brother in that way. You

509
00:28:48,600 --> 00:28:51,400
Speaker 1: can ask me a question, you can ask me my opinion,

510
00:28:51,920 --> 00:28:55,760
Speaker 1: but that cussing him and I can't. I can't do that.

511
00:28:55,800 --> 00:28:58,240
Speaker 1: With you please, And if she doesn't have a good

512
00:28:58,520 --> 00:29:02,000
Speaker 1: response about that, and you say, okay, Ma, when you

513
00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:04,120
Speaker 1: call me and you talk about my brother like that,

514
00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:07,200
Speaker 1: I'm gonna end the conversation. I'll call you back later,

515
00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:10,680
Speaker 1: but we're not going to do that. I'm not going

516
00:29:10,760 --> 00:29:14,040
Speaker 1: to do that with you. That's how a thirty three

517
00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:18,200
Speaker 1: year old woman speaks to another woman. You make the requests,

518
00:29:18,280 --> 00:29:23,479
Speaker 1: you create the boundary, and then you implement the consequence. Wow,

519
00:29:24,040 --> 00:29:27,360
Speaker 1: and she'll forget. And every time she forgets, you remind

520
00:29:27,400 --> 00:29:31,880
Speaker 1: her you're not seven. At seven you had to stand

521
00:29:31,920 --> 00:29:35,320
Speaker 1: outside the door. At seven, she could hit you. At seven,

522
00:29:35,600 --> 00:29:38,160
Speaker 1: you said. At nineteen, when you were stepping into your

523
00:29:38,200 --> 00:29:41,160
Speaker 1: womanness that you said, Oh, she tries to control me

524
00:29:41,320 --> 00:29:44,240
Speaker 1: with money. Let me do something about this. You made

525
00:29:44,280 --> 00:29:49,640
Speaker 1: another choice. You stop participating in the drama. See, you

526
00:29:49,720 --> 00:29:52,440
Speaker 1: and your mother are deep in the drama. And in

527
00:29:52,560 --> 00:29:56,400
Speaker 1: the drama, there's the victim, there's the rescuer, and there's

528
00:29:56,440 --> 00:30:00,840
Speaker 1: the persecutor. And she keeps playing different roles with you're

529
00:30:00,920 --> 00:30:04,040
Speaker 1: her victim, but you want her to rescue you. Why

530
00:30:04,080 --> 00:30:05,840
Speaker 1: don't you like me? Why don't you love me? Why

531
00:30:05,880 --> 00:30:10,120
Speaker 1: don't you treat me? This? Way, and then she's your persecutor.

532
00:30:10,520 --> 00:30:13,000
Speaker 1: But she can only be your persecutor if you stay

533
00:30:13,000 --> 00:30:16,160
Speaker 1: the victim. And it's not you at thirty three, that's

534
00:30:16,200 --> 00:30:19,760
Speaker 1: the victim. It's the seven year old. So you got

535
00:30:19,760 --> 00:30:23,120
Speaker 1: to take care of your seven year old. And the

536
00:30:23,160 --> 00:30:26,480
Speaker 1: way we can get you to be thirty three is

537
00:30:26,520 --> 00:30:30,680
Speaker 1: to give that seven year old a voice and let

538
00:30:30,840 --> 00:30:37,520
Speaker 1: her talk about all of the things that she needs

539
00:30:37,560 --> 00:30:41,120
Speaker 1: to say to her mommy, because that's who's in trouble.

540
00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:47,000
Speaker 1: You fine, you, okay, it's that little girl. Can you

541
00:30:47,080 --> 00:30:51,080
Speaker 1: see her in your mind when you come home and

542
00:30:51,120 --> 00:30:55,480
Speaker 1: mommy's in the room drinking and smoking. So let's do this.

543
00:30:56,280 --> 00:31:00,680
Speaker 1: Let her go outside your mom's her mom's been room door.

544
00:31:01,040 --> 00:31:04,080
Speaker 1: Let her go outside her mom's bedroom door. And what

545
00:31:04,120 --> 00:31:07,720
Speaker 1: does she want to say to her mom? Let her

546
00:31:07,760 --> 00:31:11,920
Speaker 1: just stand there and talk to the door. Take a breath,

547
00:31:14,280 --> 00:31:22,200
Speaker 1: and I'm scared. Yeah, I'm scared, Mommy. Say that I'm scared, mommy.

548
00:31:22,960 --> 00:31:25,680
Speaker 1: Tell her what you're scared of I'm.

549
00:31:25,560 --> 00:31:29,080
Speaker 3: Scared of her because at any moment, she could book

550
00:31:29,120 --> 00:31:31,320
Speaker 3: I'm scared of you.

551
00:31:31,320 --> 00:31:35,360
Speaker 1: No, no, talk to her. I'm scared of you because.

552
00:31:35,320 --> 00:31:38,840
Speaker 3: I'm scared of you because at any moment, you could

553
00:31:38,880 --> 00:31:42,160
Speaker 3: just blow up for no reason.

554
00:31:42,960 --> 00:31:45,400
Speaker 1: How about I'm scared of the way you treat me.

555
00:31:45,480 --> 00:31:47,840
Speaker 1: I'm scared of the way you hit me. I'm scared

556
00:31:47,840 --> 00:31:50,200
Speaker 1: of the way you yell at me. How about that.

557
00:31:50,880 --> 00:31:53,080
Speaker 3: I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what

558
00:31:53,120 --> 00:31:55,720
Speaker 3: else I can do to be a good child. Like

559
00:31:55,760 --> 00:31:57,560
Speaker 3: I just feel like a bad child, and I know

560
00:31:57,560 --> 00:31:58,200
Speaker 3: I'm not bad.

561
00:31:59,240 --> 00:32:07,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, you make me feel bad? Mommy? Tell her?

562
00:32:08,440 --> 00:32:09,840
Speaker 3: Do you like me? Feel bad? Mommy?

563
00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:18,320
Speaker 1: Yeah? Confuses me and you hurt me. Yes, yes, you

564
00:32:18,440 --> 00:32:19,200
Speaker 1: confuse me.

565
00:32:21,960 --> 00:32:22,640
Speaker 3: You confuse me.

566
00:32:22,720 --> 00:32:27,320
Speaker 1: Tell her you confuse me and you hurt me, and

567
00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:31,800
Speaker 1: and what else? Yeah? And I just want you to

568
00:32:31,880 --> 00:32:32,240
Speaker 1: love me.

569
00:32:33,640 --> 00:32:36,160
Speaker 3: Yes, I just want you to love me and actually

570
00:32:36,440 --> 00:32:40,200
Speaker 3: pay attention to me, like see me please?

571
00:32:41,640 --> 00:32:43,440
Speaker 1: Yeah, you don't see me.

572
00:32:44,520 --> 00:32:48,480
Speaker 4: Because it was paying attention and you pay attention to

573
00:32:48,520 --> 00:32:49,920
Speaker 4: the micro and I'm just in the middle.

574
00:32:54,000 --> 00:32:54,640
Speaker 1: Yeah.

575
00:32:55,040 --> 00:32:59,840
Speaker 2: Yeah, just let her cry for a minute. Just let

576
00:32:59,880 --> 00:33:06,920
Speaker 2: her cry.

577
00:33:07,920 --> 00:33:10,400
Speaker 1: How come you don't like me? Mommy? How come you

578
00:33:10,600 --> 00:33:13,840
Speaker 1: don't like me? Ask her?

579
00:33:15,160 --> 00:33:16,200
Speaker 3: How come you don't like me?

580
00:33:18,080 --> 00:33:18,160
Speaker 2: Like?

581
00:33:18,320 --> 00:33:22,800
Speaker 3: What am I doing wrong? That's what it is?

582
00:33:22,840 --> 00:33:24,840
Speaker 4: Like? What am I doing wrong? I just feel like

583
00:33:26,320 --> 00:33:30,560
Speaker 4: no matter what I do, I do everything. You take

584
00:33:30,560 --> 00:33:33,959
Speaker 4: care of my baby brother, Like, like, what what am

585
00:33:34,040 --> 00:33:34,800
Speaker 4: I doing wrong?

586
00:33:34,920 --> 00:33:41,280
Speaker 1: Like you're not doing anything wrong, baby, I just don't

587
00:33:41,320 --> 00:33:44,640
Speaker 1: have it. I know you need it, I know you

588
00:33:44,800 --> 00:33:48,960
Speaker 1: want it. I just don't have it. And every time

589
00:33:49,120 --> 00:33:52,840
Speaker 1: I see you, it reminds me of what I don't have.

590
00:33:53,680 --> 00:33:57,560
Speaker 1: So I just stay behind this door. I just stay

591
00:33:57,600 --> 00:34:09,120
Speaker 1: here because I don't have what you need because I

592
00:34:09,200 --> 00:34:16,440
Speaker 1: never got it. I never got it, and what little

593
00:34:16,480 --> 00:34:21,480
Speaker 1: bit I had I lost. Trying to get people to

594
00:34:21,600 --> 00:34:24,880
Speaker 1: love me, trying to get people to make me feel better,

595
00:34:25,880 --> 00:34:33,839
Speaker 1: trying to feel better about myself. I see you, I

596
00:34:33,880 --> 00:34:38,760
Speaker 1: see you, and I don't like what I see because

597
00:34:38,840 --> 00:34:44,480
Speaker 1: I don't have it. I can't believe that something as

598
00:34:44,560 --> 00:34:49,000
Speaker 1: precious and beautiful as you came from me. I can't

599
00:34:49,000 --> 00:34:52,840
Speaker 1: believe that. So I try to stay away from you,

600
00:34:52,960 --> 00:34:59,040
Speaker 1: hoping that you'll get what you need forgive me. I

601
00:34:59,080 --> 00:35:02,840
Speaker 1: don't know what else to do do, but look at you.

602
00:35:02,840 --> 00:35:06,520
Speaker 1: You're beautiful, you're successful. You want me to see you.

603
00:35:07,280 --> 00:35:12,680
Speaker 1: I don't want you to see me. Okay, take a breath.

604
00:35:16,040 --> 00:35:22,879
Speaker 1: I want to hear it. Come on, breee, you want

605
00:35:22,920 --> 00:35:28,040
Speaker 1: to blow your nose yeah, let me blood. Okay, go

606
00:35:28,120 --> 00:35:46,239
Speaker 1: blow your nose. I'll wait for you. I'll hummmm is

607
00:35:46,239 --> 00:35:58,360
Speaker 1: that better? Yeah? Your little girl probably triggers her little girl,

608
00:36:00,320 --> 00:36:03,399
Speaker 1: and if her little girl is broken and wounded, then

609
00:36:03,440 --> 00:36:06,319
Speaker 1: it's just gonna be two little girls together. That's why

610
00:36:06,360 --> 00:36:09,240
Speaker 1: she's coming to you saying f this and this one. Now,

611
00:36:09,400 --> 00:36:15,960
Speaker 1: she's gossiping with you. That's what little girls do. She's

612
00:36:16,000 --> 00:36:20,200
Speaker 1: gossip y'all, a gossipin and you calling it negativity. That's

613
00:36:20,200 --> 00:36:24,600
Speaker 1: how she's communicating. You're stuck at seven. She's probably stuck

614
00:36:24,640 --> 00:36:30,520
Speaker 1: in eleven or twelve. And I just I have to

615
00:36:30,600 --> 00:36:36,400
Speaker 1: bring to your awareness, beloved, that you haven't said one

616
00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:42,600
Speaker 1: positive thing about your mother in this conversation. Not one.

617
00:36:42,880 --> 00:36:45,360
Speaker 1: So I got one more question to ask you, and

618
00:36:45,400 --> 00:36:47,480
Speaker 1: then we're gonna give you a prescription so you can

619
00:36:47,560 --> 00:36:54,240
Speaker 1: move forward. And I want the absolute rot gut from

620
00:36:54,280 --> 00:36:58,160
Speaker 1: the pit of your belly. Truth. Why do you want

621
00:36:58,239 --> 00:36:59,919
Speaker 1: to be in relationship with your mother?

622
00:37:01,320 --> 00:37:03,360
Speaker 3: Because when I'm not with her, I feel like a

623
00:37:03,360 --> 00:37:04,040
Speaker 3: piece of musiness.

624
00:37:05,160 --> 00:37:11,960
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, And now you're being asked to take care

625
00:37:12,000 --> 00:37:16,359
Speaker 1: of somebody that you don't feel took care of you. Yeah,

626
00:37:17,600 --> 00:37:24,080
Speaker 1: what a powerful, powerful blessing that is because you get

627
00:37:24,120 --> 00:37:29,920
Speaker 1: to be for her who she wasn't for you. You

628
00:37:29,960 --> 00:37:34,360
Speaker 1: get to be there, You get to be kind, loving, compassionate,

629
00:37:35,040 --> 00:37:37,719
Speaker 1: You get to heal up some stuff. You get to

630
00:37:37,760 --> 00:37:39,879
Speaker 1: sit with her and talk with her now the way

631
00:37:39,920 --> 00:37:43,480
Speaker 1: you didn't when you were twelve and thirteen. But if

632
00:37:43,480 --> 00:37:48,080
Speaker 1: you don't want to do it, don't do it because

633
00:37:48,120 --> 00:37:53,080
Speaker 1: you cannot do it from obligation. To do it from

634
00:37:53,160 --> 00:37:56,480
Speaker 1: obligation would be harmful to you and to her. You'll

635
00:37:56,520 --> 00:37:59,920
Speaker 1: be resentful, you'll be angry, you'll be mean. Don't do it.

636
00:38:01,040 --> 00:38:07,960
Speaker 1: But what if, what if her lessons, her healing, her

637
00:38:08,320 --> 00:38:12,440
Speaker 1: evolution in life is going to come from being mothered

638
00:38:12,760 --> 00:38:18,960
Speaker 1: by the person she didn't mother. What if this isn't

639
00:38:18,960 --> 00:38:22,960
Speaker 1: her lesson, This is your lesson, and maybe her lesson

640
00:38:23,040 --> 00:38:25,560
Speaker 1: is to learn how to receive it. Because the same

641
00:38:25,600 --> 00:38:27,480
Speaker 1: way you know she didn't take care of you, she

642
00:38:27,640 --> 00:38:29,880
Speaker 1: knows she didn't take care of you, telling you she

643
00:38:29,920 --> 00:38:33,120
Speaker 1: didn't have it to give, and how she responds to

644
00:38:33,200 --> 00:38:39,000
Speaker 1: it now it's not your business. But if you can

645
00:38:39,160 --> 00:38:44,520
Speaker 1: find it in your heart to be for her who

646
00:38:44,640 --> 00:38:50,319
Speaker 1: she wasn't for you, what a powerful blessing on your

647
00:38:50,400 --> 00:38:55,560
Speaker 1: life so sit with it. Sit with it and see

648
00:38:55,800 --> 00:39:00,640
Speaker 1: how it feels. But don't go into it trying to

649
00:39:01,080 --> 00:39:03,399
Speaker 1: get her to be who you need her to be.

650
00:39:04,080 --> 00:39:07,640
Speaker 1: Go into it being who you are and accepting her

651
00:39:07,800 --> 00:39:11,680
Speaker 1: as she is. How she responds is none of your business,

652
00:39:12,000 --> 00:39:14,919
Speaker 1: because it's going to take a great deal of humility

653
00:39:15,160 --> 00:39:20,319
Speaker 1: and surrender for her to allow you to take care

654
00:39:20,320 --> 00:39:23,040
Speaker 1: of her. She may have it, she may not. I

655
00:39:23,080 --> 00:39:28,040
Speaker 1: don't know, but I know all things are lessons that

656
00:39:28,160 --> 00:39:32,839
Speaker 1: our creator would have us learn. So this is your

657
00:39:32,920 --> 00:39:37,960
Speaker 1: learning curve. It's probably hers too, But I'm not talking

658
00:39:38,000 --> 00:39:42,560
Speaker 1: to her. I'm talking to you. In the book Forgiveness

659
00:39:44,400 --> 00:39:48,920
Speaker 1: forty Days to Forgive Everyone for Everything, I have an

660
00:39:49,160 --> 00:39:55,840
Speaker 1: entire section on forgiving your mother. If you get a chance,

661
00:39:55,960 --> 00:39:59,600
Speaker 1: get that book and do that work. You got to

662
00:39:59,600 --> 00:40:02,920
Speaker 1: forgive you your thoughts about her, your beliefs about her,

663
00:40:03,320 --> 00:40:08,000
Speaker 1: your judgments about her, and your feelings about her. Not

664
00:40:08,160 --> 00:40:11,080
Speaker 1: that you don't have a right to have those thoughts, beliefs,

665
00:40:11,120 --> 00:40:15,480
Speaker 1: feelings based on your experience, but to forgive them opens

666
00:40:15,520 --> 00:40:19,920
Speaker 1: you up to see things from a different perspective. What's

667
00:40:19,920 --> 00:40:21,960
Speaker 1: going to be different when you get off this call?

668
00:40:23,080 --> 00:40:27,520
Speaker 3: What's going to be different? Is my mindset about the

669
00:40:27,600 --> 00:40:30,439
Speaker 3: story that I told myself. To be honest, I've told

670
00:40:30,440 --> 00:40:33,360
Speaker 3: myself a very horrific story, and I've repeated that.

671
00:40:33,440 --> 00:40:37,560
Speaker 1: Story, traumatizing and over traumatizing yourself.

672
00:40:38,960 --> 00:40:43,880
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I tell that story. Is different now I

673
00:40:43,880 --> 00:40:47,640
Speaker 3: have more understanding of her positions and even my position

674
00:40:47,719 --> 00:40:49,080
Speaker 3: and my opportunity to grow.

675
00:40:49,400 --> 00:40:51,920
Speaker 1: But here's what I want you to do, because your

676
00:40:52,080 --> 00:40:56,759
Speaker 1: seven year old still needs healing. When that anger and

677
00:40:56,800 --> 00:41:00,960
Speaker 1: that whatever it is, you know, you know what it

678
00:41:01,040 --> 00:41:03,520
Speaker 1: is comes up in you, I want you to take

679
00:41:03,560 --> 00:41:06,600
Speaker 1: a breath and tell your seven year old I got this,

680
00:41:08,760 --> 00:41:11,440
Speaker 1: because it's not the thirty three year old who's doing that.

681
00:41:12,080 --> 00:41:14,920
Speaker 1: So we want to take care of the seven year old.

682
00:41:15,239 --> 00:41:20,160
Speaker 1: So you almost have to remother yourself because it'll come up,

683
00:41:20,400 --> 00:41:22,600
Speaker 1: you know, as soon as she says something or does

684
00:41:22,640 --> 00:41:26,600
Speaker 1: something or tells one of her negative stories, your seven

685
00:41:26,680 --> 00:41:30,279
Speaker 1: year old is going to freak out. So within yourself

686
00:41:30,360 --> 00:41:32,439
Speaker 1: you have to say, wait a minute, baby, calm down,

687
00:41:32,520 --> 00:41:35,319
Speaker 1: I got this. I got this. You sit right here,

688
00:41:35,400 --> 00:41:38,520
Speaker 1: I got this, and then you allow the thirty three

689
00:41:38,600 --> 00:41:43,080
Speaker 1: year old to deal with mom. Yeah, this is a

690
00:41:43,080 --> 00:41:46,160
Speaker 1: major turning point for you because you're thirty three years old,

691
00:41:46,840 --> 00:41:49,759
Speaker 1: the dark night of the soul where you're getting a

692
00:41:49,840 --> 00:41:54,879
Speaker 1: chance to kind of rewire yourself and recreate yourself. But

693
00:41:54,920 --> 00:41:58,239
Speaker 1: you can't continue to re traumatize yourself. You have to

694
00:41:58,320 --> 00:42:04,720
Speaker 1: respond differently. Every time it comes up. You gotta respond differently. Okay, Yes,

695
00:42:05,320 --> 00:42:07,640
Speaker 1: let me know how you're doing. Okay, And if you go,

696
00:42:07,719 --> 00:42:11,879
Speaker 1: take care of mom. No heat, no judgment anyway, any

697
00:42:12,120 --> 00:42:15,160
Speaker 1: either way you choose, because if you think you have

698
00:42:15,280 --> 00:42:20,399
Speaker 1: to go, don't go. Go when you feel you can

699
00:42:20,520 --> 00:42:22,440
Speaker 1: do it from a loving space.

700
00:42:22,560 --> 00:42:26,440
Speaker 3: Okay, Thank you so much, Anne, I really truly appreciate you,

701
00:42:26,480 --> 00:42:29,440
Speaker 3: like I'm so grateful for this God. Thank you, and

702
00:42:29,480 --> 00:42:30,760
Speaker 3: thank you for showing me myself.

703
00:42:31,040 --> 00:42:33,960
Speaker 1: Thank you for trusting me with your story and with

704
00:42:34,000 --> 00:42:38,759
Speaker 1: your tears. Thank you. It is an honor. Take good care,

705
00:42:39,360 --> 00:42:46,759
Speaker 1: mean too. All right, bye bye. Let's be clear, there

706
00:42:46,760 --> 00:42:51,279
Speaker 1: are many mothers out there who are not who their

707
00:42:51,400 --> 00:42:55,759
Speaker 1: children need and want them to be, but they are

708
00:42:55,840 --> 00:43:00,960
Speaker 1: who they are, and when those children become adult, the

709
00:43:01,120 --> 00:43:05,840
Speaker 1: work is not traumatizing yourself about what your mother didn't

710
00:43:05,920 --> 00:43:10,160
Speaker 1: do or who she wasn't It's about seeing her for

711
00:43:10,280 --> 00:43:14,160
Speaker 1: who she is today, a woman with a history and

712
00:43:14,239 --> 00:43:20,080
Speaker 1: a story and having compassion for that so that you

713
00:43:20,680 --> 00:43:25,160
Speaker 1: can step fully into your adult self and learn how

714
00:43:25,200 --> 00:43:28,040
Speaker 1: to deal with your mother or any parent from an

715
00:43:28,080 --> 00:43:33,480
Speaker 1: adult space, not as a wounded, broken child, because no

716
00:43:33,520 --> 00:43:37,440
Speaker 1: matter what she gave you or didn't give you, you

717
00:43:37,600 --> 00:43:45,880
Speaker 1: are who you are today because of her. The R

718
00:43:45,960 --> 00:43:50,960
Speaker 1: Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.

719
00:43:51,680 --> 00:43:56,400
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app,

720
00:43:56,600 --> 00:44:00,080
Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite The

721
00:44:00,200 --> 00:44:01,759
Speaker 1: Shells