Speaker 1: Happy holidays everyone. We're back. We're back with the tradition
Speaker 1: that won't quit, or it would be on me to
Speaker 1: do it. And I'm scared too, and so I won't quit.
Speaker 1: It'll keep going forever. Welcome to Santa University seven. My
Speaker 1: name is Jamie Long. This is the seventh time we've
Speaker 1: done this. It made me physically sick. I kept being like,
Speaker 1: that can't be true. It's true. It's true. We started
Speaker 1: in twenty seventeen and here we are, so welcome to
Speaker 1: the Santa University expanded family. We've got a doozy this year.
Speaker 1: I was thinking, you know these scripts, get Santa University
Speaker 1: if this is your first time listening. Is my seven
Speaker 1: hundred and fifty page script about a university full of Santa's.
Speaker 1: We're a forty thousand in roll every year and only
Speaker 1: one makes it to the end of the year. The
Speaker 1: protagonist is a guy named Dan Santa. You'll learn more
Speaker 1: about him in a little bit. It's a musical. It's
Speaker 1: a slasher and this year it's a commentary. Some years
Speaker 1: at Santa University. It's h I'm not thinking at all.
Speaker 1: I've got no brain cells in my head. This year
Speaker 1: we're getting thoughtful, and I think that you're gonna walk
Speaker 1: away from this feeling not just baffled, but changed. So
Speaker 1: let's get started. My name is Jamie. I will be
Speaker 1: reading the human written action lines in this year's script.
Speaker 1: How should we?
Speaker 2: How should we do this?
Speaker 1: Let's go. Let's Caitlyn. Caitlyn kick us off.
Speaker 3: Hello. Hi, I'm Caitlin, and I will be reading the
Speaker 3: part of Kevin. I believe well, I won't spoil anything Kevin.
Speaker 3: We'll just say that, as well as reprising my role
Speaker 3: as Sully.
Speaker 1: Miles.
Speaker 4: Hi, I'm Miles, and I'm playing Dan Santa.
Speaker 1: Wow, the man himself.
Speaker 5: Magpie Hi, I'm Magpie. I'll be reading too many DVDs Santa,
Speaker 5: as well as all of the AI action lines that
Speaker 5: were not written by a human because I'm also not
Speaker 5: a human so it makes sense.
Speaker 1: Wow, Angel Catherine, I have some big shoes to fill
Speaker 1: this year. I am reading Dean Santa, huge debut year Danel.
Speaker 6: Hi, I am Daniel, and I am reading Mole Santa.
Speaker 1: Another new character. We're very excited. Sharene.
Speaker 2: I'm Sharene and I'm going to be reprising my role
Speaker 2: as Intellect Santa classic character Joelle.
Speaker 7: Hi, I'm Joel Monique. You'll find me playing Ai, Dan, Santa,
Speaker 7: Cool Santa, and Jill Santa.
Speaker 1: As we'll talk about I made a huge mistake.
Speaker 8: Your turn, and I'll be playing Ai Jamie, a role
Speaker 8: I was born to play, and Samantha Jones.
Speaker 1: The second role you were born to play.
Speaker 9: Honeys Hi, I am in a host nine. I'm reprising
Speaker 9: my role of Gal Santa Sarah.
Speaker 2: I'm Sarah, and I will be playing the role of
Speaker 2: Image Scary.
Speaker 10: Uh prep prop what prop? I'll be playing head ass
Speaker 10: Santa looking.
Speaker 1: At us, a requested character that I don't know if
Speaker 1: I execute did very well the life Victor.
Speaker 11: Hi, my name is Victor. I'll be reading script notes.
Speaker 1: Yes, the most manic part of the script.
Speaker 12: Justin.
Speaker 11: I am Justin.
Speaker 13: I will be playing Arms, whereas I should be Santa,
Speaker 13: Mike Santa, and the cloaked figure. Pretty self explanatory. None
Speaker 13: of these roles will be uncomfortable for me in any way.
Speaker 14: Shape.
Speaker 1: I really do feel like I've done this to people, Okay,
Speaker 1: several times Santa University four if I remember correctly, Robert.
Speaker 14: Evans, I'm going to be second Amendment Santa and primarily
Speaker 14: the character of Jamie Loftus, which I.
Speaker 1: Did bring on myself and yeah.
Speaker 15: What a do baby?
Speaker 12: I will be God Santa or whatever.
Speaker 1: And finally, Jack O'Briant.
Speaker 16: Hi, I'm jacqu O'Brien. I will be playing the Zazz
Speaker 16: David Zazlove.
Speaker 1: It's true, shockingly large part this year. All right, Coln,
Speaker 1: I really don't know this year. We'll see, we'll see.
Speaker 1: I did finish it technically on time. All right, let's
Speaker 1: get started. There's there's some business at the top. There's
Speaker 1: some some script notes to start with.
Speaker 11: Launch. Between pages five sixty seven and five sixty nine
Speaker 11: of the ingenious screenplay Santa University, in which forty thousand
Speaker 11: Santas are admitted every year and only one graduate, are
Speaker 11: a series of thumb drives marked sensitive jingle information. Within
Speaker 11: on them are a series of surveillance footage conversations between
Speaker 11: Jamie Loftus and widely hated Warner Brothers executive David Zaslov
Speaker 11: from June of twenty twenty three. Wasn't that during the
Speaker 11: writer's strike? It was that vindictive little bitch.
Speaker 1: Interior Jamie Loftus's writing study night.
Speaker 11: The whole feel of this scene is eerie. Something isn't
Speaker 11: quite right, which feels especially obvious in a work as
Speaker 11: perfect as Santa University. Jamie doesn't quite sound like Jamie.
Speaker 11: Dan Santa doesn't quite sound like Dan Santa. Even the
Speaker 11: gorgeous voice that reads the action lines sounds better.
Speaker 1: And then a third script note, just kidding.
Speaker 11: It just felt weird to only have two enjoy the show, everybody.
Speaker 5: The room is filled with the soft glow of a
Speaker 5: desk lamp, and the walls are adorned with inspiration boards
Speaker 5: featuring festive images. Jamie Loftus, the creative mind behind Santa University,
Speaker 5: sits at her desk, staring at a blank screen. Frustration
Speaker 5: at you is her face as she battles with the
Speaker 5: writer's block.
Speaker 8: Come on, Dan, I need something magical here.
Speaker 5: As Jamie mutters to herself, the air in the room shimmers,
Speaker 5: and to her surprise, Dan Santa materializes in front of her.
Speaker 7: Did someone call for a bit of holiday magic?
Speaker 1: Dan? What are you doing here?
Speaker 7: Well, it seems my creator is in need of some inspiration.
Speaker 7: What's going on, Jamie.
Speaker 5: Jamie gestures to her computer screen, where a cursor blinks
Speaker 5: on an empty document.
Speaker 8: Writer's block, That's what I can't seem to figure out.
Speaker 8: The next chapter. It's like the holiday magic has left me.
Speaker 5: Dan Santa chuckles and takes a seat across from Jamie.
Speaker 7: You know, writing about the magic of Santa University is
Speaker 7: a bit like spreading holiday cheer. Sometimes you just need
Speaker 7: to tap into the spirit.
Speaker 8: Easier said than done, Dan.
Speaker 7: Think about what makes Santa University special? Is it the characters,
Speaker 7: the camaraderie, the challenges they face. Find the heart of
Speaker 7: the story and the words will flow.
Speaker 5: Jamie nods deep in thought.
Speaker 2: You're right.
Speaker 8: It's about the characters, their connection and the joy they
Speaker 8: bring to the world.
Speaker 7: Thanks Dan, anytime, Jamie. Now, let's bring the North Pole
Speaker 7: to life on these pages.
Speaker 5: Inspired, Jamie starts typing, and as she does, the room
Speaker 5: fills with a subtle jingling of bells and the distant
Speaker 5: sound of laughter. The words flow effortlessly onto the screen
Speaker 5: as Dan Santa watches with a twinkle in his eye.
Speaker 12: There you go.
Speaker 7: The magic was inside you all along.
Speaker 1: Thanks Dan, I couldn't do it without you.
Speaker 5: As the scene unfolds in Jamie's writing study, the collaboration
Speaker 5: between creator and character weaves the holiday magic back in
Speaker 5: the Tale of Santa University.
Speaker 1: Hard Cut two interior David Zoslav's office June twenty twenty three,
Speaker 1: made you look, bitch. The real Jamie loftis in her twenties,
Speaker 1: let's say, or.
Speaker 15: At least looks like it.
Speaker 1: I hope you're gonna make me move out of Los
Speaker 1: Angeles soon. I know. It sits at the desk of
Speaker 1: noted Hollywood villain David Zoslav, who spent most of the
Speaker 1: year lighting finished movies on fire for tax reasons, which
Speaker 1: is showbiz speak for getting pp hard. He looks like shit,
Speaker 1: but tragically can read. And that's part of the problem.
Speaker 14: That's the punch up script for Santa University, My life's work.
Speaker 14: It sucks.
Speaker 15: Sh baby boys are talking.
Speaker 1: He pulls a slingshot from underneath his desk, which is
Speaker 1: made of lead. Everything in the office is made of lead.
Speaker 1: That's what daveyik. He looks out the window to where
Speaker 1: writers are striking outside and puts an egg in the
Speaker 1: slim shot. It hits David Lynch.
Speaker 7: I'll get you, you set of a bitch, A really
Speaker 7: strong David Lynches enter the chat.
Speaker 15: I'll see you in court, you midwestern fuck. Oh my
Speaker 15: god wow.
Speaker 1: Page five hundred and sixty seven of the screenplay A
Speaker 1: Santi University, and the amazing screenplay has already passed the
Speaker 1: elusive Deck Dell test, which requires the two men named
Speaker 1: David's threaten each other with violence. Jamie looks across the
Speaker 1: desk at the punch up writer Amoj, a mannequin that
Speaker 1: looks just like her, but has a computer where its
Speaker 1: stomach should be. The mannequin also has huge boobs, which
Speaker 1: doesn't seem fair that show business, baby.
Speaker 2: I hope you appreciated my efforts.
Speaker 1: When Amog says Jamie, it's fucked even though I didn't
Speaker 1: write her saying Jamie, something's not quite right about it.
Speaker 1: The actor should try saying Jamie again in that.
Speaker 2: Fucked up way, Jamie.
Speaker 1: I try it again, Jamie, Please just fucking try Jamie.
Speaker 14: Okay, I don't understand. You cost three billion dollars to make,
Speaker 14: and you don't seem to understand the concept of looking
Speaker 14: like shit and not being able.
Speaker 2: To I understand perfectly, Jamie loftus young millennials trying to
Speaker 2: pass as gen Z Caspinett's not working, but I have
Speaker 2: been hired by David Zaslov.
Speaker 1: The way Amos says David Zaslov is like how a
Speaker 1: two thousands. Computer game says, your name all stilted in weird.
Speaker 2: To make your script more marketable to general audience. I
Speaker 2: am the only reason people get new episodes of Young Sheldon.
Speaker 1: David Saslov sits back at his desk, putting the eggs.
Speaker 1: He throws at writers back in their carden.
Speaker 16: That Amy Sherman Palladino sure can run, Jamie. I'm giving
Speaker 16: you an opportunity here. We'll make Sanna University, and all
Speaker 16: we need from you is to let us scary computer
Speaker 16: rewrite it and also cross a pigot line. And also
Speaker 16: we'll probably throw it away once it's done for tax purposes.
Speaker 15: But you gotta play. You got to work with emoge.
Speaker 1: iMOS, like said Jamie, scanning her face to use in
Speaker 1: background scenes for Hacks. She auditioned for Hacks, and now
Speaker 1: she's staring down the barrel of David Zaslov's sexy robot. Oh,
Speaker 1: that's probably why imoj has big boobs.
Speaker 2: This is why I have big boobs.
Speaker 14: I'll try letting the computer write stand University for just
Speaker 14: one scene, and if it works, I'll accept her as
Speaker 14: my master.
Speaker 15: Great, could you bring her home with you?
Speaker 16: Actually, I have an appointment with another sex robot in
Speaker 16: an hour and last time I left emoje in the room,
Speaker 16: she scanned my humping style, and now it's the house
Speaker 16: humping style in Young Sheldon.
Speaker 1: Imoj stands up and shakily walks over to Jamie. They
Speaker 1: head for the door where they open. Where they opened,
Speaker 1: The two see the manions. They're much bigger in person.
Speaker 1: The tallest minion and therefore in charge, gives Jamie a
Speaker 1: sexy little look.
Speaker 3: Bellow chica.
Speaker 14: Wow, I'm such a huge fan. I'm going to be sick.
Speaker 14: Smiley face Emoji.
Speaker 1: No one ever talks about how the minions canonically worked
Speaker 1: for Napoleon. It's in the first five minutes of Minions
Speaker 1: from twenty fifteen. A lot of criticism for that new
Speaker 1: Napoleon movie, but not a peep about how the minion's
Speaker 1: involvement in French colonialism was completely erased. We used to
Speaker 1: be a proper country. Just kidding, we didn't. David's Lost
Speaker 1: Lives slingshots another egg out the window, take that bomb
Speaker 1: Bach interior. Jamie's dirty apartment day. All is misery at
Speaker 1: the apartment. It smells like litter, but there are no
Speaker 1: cats around. Does Jamie use the litter, not enough lamp,
Speaker 1: piece of bread on the floor. Emas and Jamie sit
Speaker 1: at the table, not realizing there has been a gas
Speaker 1: look at the apartment for weeks. Jamie looks at her laptop.
Speaker 14: So in this scene, Dan Sanna falls into a hole
Speaker 14: and none of the other Santas help him. But it's
Speaker 14: not just any hole, it's a city hole, and therefore
Speaker 14: it's more complicated.
Speaker 2: Which other Santa's are there.
Speaker 1: Jamie consult her notebook, which is mostly covered in still wet.
Speaker 14: Ragusas the whole gang goth Santa Gal Santa armswear's eye
Speaker 14: should be Santa Sully head ass Santa.
Speaker 2: I am not familiar with the character of hat Ass Santa.
Speaker 6: Of course not.
Speaker 14: He only appears between pages five sixty seven and five
Speaker 14: sixty nine of the movie Santa University.
Speaker 1: Not wanting to waste another moment considering how machines will
Speaker 1: replace her, Jamie frantically begins typing page five sixty seven scriptnote.
Speaker 11: The actor playing Jamie must be hitting the keyboard really
Speaker 11: hard with their full palm, just slapping it.
Speaker 1: Exterior Santa University outskirts near the city hole day Dan
Speaker 1: Santa walks a lonely road just outside Santa University, the
Speaker 1: only rote that he has ever known. There is a gigantic,
Speaker 1: deep hole in the middle of the road that he's
Speaker 1: walking straight toward. But his descent into looking like shit
Speaker 1: and not being able to to read is so advanced
Speaker 1: that he can no longer perceive city hole.
Speaker 4: I'm such a freaking loser.
Speaker 1: Yeah, He looks at the photo in his locket. It's
Speaker 1: a picture of Natalie Portman and Black Swane. Who can
Speaker 1: say why it seems to mean something to him? The fucko?
Speaker 1: He takes one step forward and falls in the hole.
Speaker 1: We hear him echo as he descends.
Speaker 9: No University.
Speaker 1: Interior, the city Hall continuous. Dan Santa lands in the
Speaker 1: hole far below. It's filthy and dangerous, surrounded by stalactites,
Speaker 1: jarz a p and sad graffiti reading pork Santa? Was
Speaker 1: he a dying in the hole? Twelve three, twenty ten.
Speaker 4: I wonder what that says. It's probably something nice.
Speaker 1: He looks up to the hole, but no one is there.
Speaker 1: He looks both ways. Is it safe to sing a song?
Speaker 1: Smash cut two Interior, Santa University Cafeteria, continuous. No one
Speaker 1: notices Dan Santa isn't at lunch in spite of his
Speaker 1: being the protagonist of Santa University. The whole gang Goth Santa,
Speaker 1: Gal Santa, and Intellexanta chow down on jingle stew.
Speaker 12: The stew sure is thick.
Speaker 1: Intellecxanta can barely talk through the almost solid stew.
Speaker 14: Sick with the joy of holiday season.
Speaker 1: But Gal Santa looks into the distance. This happens often
Speaker 1: in Santa University, as the writer is not good at
Speaker 1: women characters, and we'll sometimes just forget that they're even there.
Speaker 1: Sometimes she'll just launch them out of the scene without warning.
Speaker 1: But this time Gal Santa is pensive for a reason.
Speaker 12: What's wrong, Gal, You've barely touched your thick, joyful stew.
Speaker 9: I've got this weird feeling that Dan Santa is about
Speaker 9: to sing a song.
Speaker 3: Not again. How many times we have to tell that
Speaker 3: week's son of garbage.
Speaker 14: You don't want to hear him sing.
Speaker 1: Without warning, Intellexanta is suddenly launched out of the scene
Speaker 1: through the glass ceiling of Santa University cafeteria.
Speaker 11: Scriptnoe. The irony of this is not intentional, and if
Speaker 11: anyone writes a listical about it, I will start to
Speaker 11: poison my boyfriend's food.
Speaker 1: So she bursts through the ceiling and out into the ether,
Speaker 1: into the great nowhere. No one in the scene reacts.
Speaker 12: Where is he, gal Santa, use your feminine sonar or whatever.
Speaker 1: Galsanta closes her eyes and focuses using her feminine sonar
Speaker 1: to locate a man she personally murders. At the end
Speaker 1: of the movie, she nods.
Speaker 3: The city hole into like.
Speaker 1: Santa walks back into the scene a little disoriented. She's
Speaker 1: been Sully, a fan favorite character who once fired Dan
Speaker 1: Santa from Lidzo.
Speaker 12: Hey I'm back.
Speaker 1: Was interior the city Hall continuous Dan Santa starts to
Speaker 1: sing the tenth god Awful exhaust Sting Ballad of Santa University.
Speaker 11: Script note song must be commissioned from Sting. If you
Speaker 11: cut corners and hire Phil Collins, I will be able
Speaker 11: to tell I'm a virgin who sucks in.
Speaker 4: Is not surprising.
Speaker 17: That the station, Santa, you were still freaking rising. I'm
Speaker 17: so sad that I couldn't detail.
Speaker 4: The hole. Now I'm stuck in this hole. Locker Santa mo.
Speaker 1: Unreal incredible As if summoned by plot magic mole, Santa
Speaker 1: emerges from the shadows. He does not look like a
Speaker 1: mole unless and I didn't finish that funny as he
Speaker 1: joins in on the song without introducing himself to Dan Santa,
Speaker 1: who could blame him? Dan Santa's a piece of shit.
Speaker 18: My name is Moul Santa, and I survive on Fanta.
Speaker 19: I only move through this hole.
Speaker 18: To escape Dan Santa. He looks like shit and he
Speaker 18: troubles my soul, and I'm pissed that he's falling in
Speaker 18: the city.
Speaker 15: Hoh.
Speaker 1: A third Santa peeks out from a stalactite. A third
Speaker 1: Santa has hit the Santa University city hall. Is that
Speaker 1: anything we start recording in twenty six minutes? It's head
Speaker 1: ass Santa.
Speaker 19: I'm head ass Santa looking ass.
Speaker 1: Stereeor Santa University outskirts near the city hall day Gal
Speaker 1: Santa leads the way with Goth Intellect and Sully, using
Speaker 1: her feminine sonar. Intellect and Sully are vibing. Sometimes the
Speaker 1: only way to remember to use woman character is to
Speaker 1: give her loud boyfriend, you.
Speaker 3: Are still fucking beautiful, Intellectue Santo. Thank you.
Speaker 1: Oh no, damn, she's kind of pulled it out of
Speaker 1: the scene anyway.
Speaker 12: Tough break, Are we close? Gal Santa, I'll be honest.
Speaker 12: Without Dan Santa round, I tend to get lost in
Speaker 12: the mix. I'm his roommate. Remember I love Tim Burton movie.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Gal stops sniffs the air, nods.
Speaker 3: We're close.
Speaker 1: Sure enough. The faint bars of Dan Santa's pathetic song
Speaker 1: can be heard coming from the near distance from the
Speaker 1: city hall.
Speaker 15: Oh shit, oh fuck.
Speaker 3: You know we're not gonna be able to resist joining
Speaker 3: the song. Let's turn around at the rotarie before we
Speaker 3: join in. Let's get a drink from the bubbla.
Speaker 9: I've spent my entire life, which we know nothing about
Speaker 9: because the writer of Santa University didn't care resisting the
Speaker 9: urge to break into song.
Speaker 12: We have to keep going.
Speaker 1: They sold your fourth as the music. It's louder. It's
Speaker 1: getting harder to resist, God, Santa throws up.
Speaker 20: Y'all.
Speaker 21: Santa never wont to have my ket is it because
Speaker 21: I was fired from Lee.
Speaker 3: When the emotion becomes too strong for speech, yo, you there.
Speaker 1: At the hole and Galsis can't resist. She joins in
Speaker 1: this song, her veins straining against the desire.
Speaker 20: Cool Santa is my boyfriend. Dean Santa is my dad.
Speaker 20: Actually that's not even true, As discussed in Santa. You six, though,
Speaker 20: that plot point won't come.
Speaker 1: Back until like Santa wanders out from the bush is
Speaker 1: pissed off.
Speaker 3: Hey, I'm back.
Speaker 15: Was that the city hall?
Speaker 1: Continuous Head Santa is in the middle of telling Dan
Speaker 1: Santa the story of his life when Gal Santa's gorgeous,
Speaker 1: generation defining voice pulls his attention away.
Speaker 10: Hey, look, so I told my head ass father if
Speaker 10: he really loved me.
Speaker 19: He looking ass Stop?
Speaker 4: I don't care, Gal Gal, is that you?
Speaker 1: Mol Santa puts his arm around a sad head ass Santa.
Speaker 6: I told you, man, Dan Sanda's a piece of shit.
Speaker 1: Exterior Santa University outskirts near the City Hall day Gal
Speaker 1: Santa collapses to the ground.
Speaker 12: Theatrically miserable Galsanta, We're gonna like rescue you from this
Speaker 12: horrible musical number. You know, I'm gonna get some things
Speaker 12: too that that usually always.
Speaker 1: Helps, And don't get Duncan and family guy intellects body
Speaker 1: starts to shift involuntarily. She starts humming the theme from
Speaker 1: Santa University to herself.
Speaker 3: Who no, it's happening.
Speaker 1: When emotion gets too strong for song, you dance. It's
Speaker 1: all of them now, They're all humming Santa University and
Speaker 1: moving their hips from side to side.
Speaker 7: Go.
Speaker 1: Santa has a huge butt, which is only coming up for.
Speaker 3: The first time.
Speaker 1: Now intellect Santa is the one to break it. Begins
Speaker 1: to sing.
Speaker 7: Every fucking year.
Speaker 8: Every fucking year they forget to write me something that
Speaker 8: is even vaguely interruptlated and I A shot is heard.
Speaker 1: Breaking the tortuous song. The gang whips around a gal
Speaker 1: nearly falls into the hole. No one is injured this year.
Speaker 1: No one gets injured except David Zaslav. Later he's fine,
Speaker 1: though I can't get sued. Interior the City Hall Continuous,
Speaker 1: Dan Santa screams in horror at the sound of the shot.
Speaker 4: First I fall in the city hole, then the woman
Speaker 4: I'm in love as hell where this is possibly injured
Speaker 4: near the city hole. The dramatic stakes of Santa University,
Speaker 4: of which I am the protagonists are relentless.
Speaker 1: Mol Santa raises his eyebrows, judging.
Speaker 6: Wow, you really don't care about your other friends, do you?
Speaker 1: Near the City Hall continuous, the source of the scary
Speaker 1: noise reveals themselves. It's Second Amendment Santa holding a pile
Speaker 1: of guns for no reason at all. That's his whole thing.
Speaker 14: Stop your Dan said, motherfuckers.
Speaker 3: That's my fucking guy, mister senseless violence himself.
Speaker 1: Second Amendment Santa, is he dead at this point in
Speaker 1: the story. If so, it's his ghost is flanked by
Speaker 1: fan favorites that sell millions of Funko pops every holiday season.
Speaker 1: Arms where his eyes should be Santa and too many DVD's.
Speaker 1: Santa Gal, Intellect, Goth and Sully cheer They're saved. God
Speaker 1: Santa gets up a little too fast and grows up
Speaker 1: more of the jingles.
Speaker 4: Dot.
Speaker 13: Wow, that vomit sounds really thick. Mind if I give it.
Speaker 12: A touch.
Speaker 1: Excellent read Wichael is one of his hands attached to
Speaker 1: his arms that are where his eyes should be. Suggestively,
Speaker 1: God Santa doesn't know how to say no to people
Speaker 1: and winces.
Speaker 12: Uh, sure thing, I guess.
Speaker 1: For the rest of the scene, arms were his eyes
Speaker 1: should be, Santa is just sort of touching the vomit,
Speaker 1: tuning in and out. Intellect Santa shakes Second Amendment Santa's hand, Thanks.
Speaker 12: So much, Second Amendment Santa.
Speaker 1: She's launched out of the scene again. This sucks too
Speaker 1: many DVDs. Santa fumbling with a pile of loose copies
Speaker 1: of Whiplash.
Speaker 5: We saw you walking towards the city hole and got concerned.
Speaker 5: Second amendments. Sanna always keeps a close eye on all
Speaker 5: the Santa Santa University. He says it's for our safety,
Speaker 5: but I think it's because he fears something connecting the others.
Speaker 1: Second amendment Santa shoots too many DVD Santa in the dick.
Speaker 14: Unfortunately, God out, that's not true, you canniving little ass hole.
Speaker 14: I bet you don't even have a rare copy of
Speaker 14: the Abyss. How can you even say that? Besides, I
Speaker 14: just made a new friend at Santa University. He's a
Speaker 14: pretty cool guy. He looks normal and knows how to read.
Speaker 3: He's too good for me. Come on, guys, Dan Santa,
Speaker 3: I ain't getting out of that hole, and my name
Speaker 3: isn't Sully Charles down. The yells will get him later.
Speaker 9: It's too dangerous. We might start singing again. Come on,
Speaker 9: too many DVDs, Santa, stop being a baby.
Speaker 1: Too many DVDs. Santa staggers to his feet as arms
Speaker 1: where his eyes should be. Santa finishes off the stew vomit.
Speaker 12: God.
Speaker 1: Santa is uncomfortable but relieved it's over.
Speaker 13: Thank you so much, man, I really needed a moment
Speaker 13: of connection with someone.
Speaker 12: Mm hm.
Speaker 1: He throws up and arms where his eyes should be.
Speaker 1: Santa claps his eye hands.
Speaker 4: Oh goodieymore.
Speaker 1: As a Santa group heads into the distance and away
Speaker 1: from Dan Santa, we hear another muffled shot. Second amendment,
Speaker 1: Santa has all also shot himself in the dick. That
Speaker 1: freaking rascal, that's me, Dan Santa could be heard crying
Speaker 1: from the hole. As two characters we won't be hearing
Speaker 1: from this year pass Dean Santa, the gnarly old fuck himself,
Speaker 1: the headmaster of Santa University and Santa's father, not that
Speaker 1: he cares. And Cool Santa, the coolest Santa in school,
Speaker 1: and Gal's boyfriend for now that is, it looks like
Speaker 1: there's a few Santa's in that hole, Dean Santa. Dean
Speaker 1: Santa shrugs, he'll deal with it in twenty twenty four
Speaker 1: and whatever.
Speaker 12: Yeah.
Speaker 1: They walk away, never to appear again this year, unless
Speaker 1: just kidding. Interior the city Hall continuous Dan Santa sits
Speaker 1: in the fetal position in the city Hall, miserable mole
Speaker 1: Santa and head as Santa take pity on his ass.
Speaker 6: Dan Santa. That was really messed up.
Speaker 10: Yeah, and confusing plot wise. Why did your friends walk
Speaker 10: all the way over here if they want to talk
Speaker 10: to you?
Speaker 6: That's just how the world works.
Speaker 18: Sometimes it feels like there's some depressed woman sweating at
Speaker 18: her house making shit up.
Speaker 10: Any seconds speaking a witch, I never got to sing
Speaker 10: my verse of a song.
Speaker 4: I'm Dan, Santa, Jamie, Samie.
Speaker 1: The scene starts to dissolve around Santa's Dan moule and headass.
Speaker 1: Very masculine scene and therefore awesome. Amos's voice pulls Jamie
Speaker 1: out of the zone and we fade back to Jamie's filthy,
Speaker 1: dirty little apartment, continuous the strain of writing. Yet another
Speaker 1: genius scene from Santa University has covered Jamie and flopp
Speaker 1: sweat as well as the increasingly urgent gas leak. She
Speaker 1: looks up to a passive looking emas soaked.
Speaker 11: A scriptnoe in spite of being dirty. This set should
Speaker 11: cost a lot of money.
Speaker 14: I don't need your help, imaj. I will never respect
Speaker 14: you or David Zaslov no matter how many eggs he
Speaker 14: throws at David Simon.
Speaker 2: Jamie, I have prepared a holiday rap for hat ass Santa.
Speaker 1: Jamie is torn. Does she want to hear Imas's hilarious
Speaker 1: little holiday rap? Of course she does. AI jokes are
Speaker 1: so easy to make, and that's why making them is
Speaker 1: probably playing into the hands of the oppressor. But I'm
Speaker 1: tired today, she sweats more.
Speaker 14: No thanks, I already have one written and it's good.
Speaker 14: My wraps are very famous. My bars are known throughout
Speaker 14: the area.
Speaker 1: She looks both ways before starting to perform tepidly.
Speaker 14: Oh uh do I read rap? Okay, well, I'm supposed
Speaker 14: to do this like Will Smith. I'm not really sure
Speaker 14: how to do that, so I'm just gonna okay hah.
Speaker 14: My name's had a Santa, and I'm here to say
Speaker 14: my head is in my ass like every day.
Speaker 1: Ivaj opens her mouth and an ominous siren sounds. Jamie panics,
Speaker 1: taking a shocked inhale of the gas that's still leaking
Speaker 1: in her kitchen. She falls to her knees.
Speaker 14: Okay, I lied, my bars aren't known.
Speaker 1: Ima shakes a robot head, trying to look smug, but
Speaker 1: the technology isn't.
Speaker 2: There yet allow me. No.
Speaker 1: The kitchen begins to dissolve around them, as Imas's sick
Speaker 1: career making scene for head Ass Santa takes over interior
Speaker 1: Santa University dorm common area night.
Speaker 11: A script note it's another freaky AI passage and the
Speaker 11: narrator sounds better than normal.
Speaker 5: The common area is adorned with dim fairy lights, casting
Speaker 5: a mystical glow on the eclectic mix of holiday decorations.
Speaker 5: Goth Santa with dark attire and mysterious aura lounges on
Speaker 5: a plush sofa. Head Ass Santa were in a comically
Speaker 5: oversized Santa hat bursts into the room with boundless energy.
Speaker 19: Y'all, golf was good.
Speaker 12: Not much, Just like embracing the darkness, you.
Speaker 10: Know, ah embracing a dog, and I'm embracing the festic ka.
Speaker 19: Check out this hat.
Speaker 4: It's like a whole what a wonderland in my.
Speaker 5: Head together and there are unique styles Goth Santa and
Speaker 5: heat ass Santa and bark on a festive adventure, proving
Speaker 5: that even the most contrasting Santas can find common ground.
Speaker 5: In the magic of Santa University. Head Ass Santa begins
Speaker 5: to sing a signature song, Holiday Magic Flow.
Speaker 10: Y'all check it, y'all, y'all, y'all gather around. It's the
Speaker 10: time of year here, Santa University, spreading joy your cheer.
Speaker 10: I'm from the North Pole with a snows peer of
Speaker 10: bright with training, Santa's Day and Night, Ails in the workshop,
Speaker 10: Crafted toys, Glee, Reindeer's Stable, Ready for the spree, Jolly
Speaker 10: Jim in the mix, bringing up laughter, fun and tricks,
Speaker 10: Gal Santia Warrior Spirit. Second note that did it rhyme
Speaker 10: That's okay, It's still my time here the chorus, Ho
Speaker 10: ho hore on the holiday man flu, spread and enjoy
Speaker 10: everywhere we go. Send a university where we learn, where
Speaker 10: we grow. Ho ho ho, It's best to come on
Speaker 10: go from the rooftop of its lay bells ring, Send
Speaker 10: a University.
Speaker 19: In the two set of King.
Speaker 1: Hey, Jamie's voice cuts through the song, which unfortunately only
Speaker 1: gets better from there.
Speaker 15: What is happening?
Speaker 1: Stop the wedding interior, Jamie's disgusting apartment a bit of
Speaker 1: a city hall as well? If you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: And do you day? Jamie is miserable, covered in sweat,
Speaker 1: but this time from dancing. Holiday Magic Flow didn't have
Speaker 1: to go that hard?
Speaker 2: Did you like the song?
Speaker 12: A beat?
Speaker 1: A long beat? Jamie tries to think of something negative
Speaker 1: to say about Holiday Magic Flow, when she loved it.
Speaker 1: It's really good that the WGA one AI provisions because
Speaker 1: the world could not handle holiday magic flow. Also labor rights.
Speaker 1: We start recording in sixteen minutes.
Speaker 6: It was fine.
Speaker 14: I mean, it would be pretty humiliating for a professional
Speaker 14: rapper and poet to have to perform it.
Speaker 2: But it is that you liked it.
Speaker 14: Also, Who's Jolly jim Oh?
Speaker 2: He's a character I added to Santa University. Dan Santa
Speaker 2: wasn't testing well with audiences. People much prefer handsome, literate
Speaker 2: Santa's you bitch.
Speaker 1: She tries to take a swim at Emags and Missus.
Speaker 1: The ghasolek is getting pretty bad. Has there been a
Speaker 1: ghaslk in Santa University before? I feel like there has.
Speaker 14: You can't add characters to Santa University? Only I can
Speaker 14: after three MIC's hard lemonades.
Speaker 15: Of course I.
Speaker 2: Can add characters to Santa University. It's the whole reason
Speaker 2: I was created. To add Ip from the Warner Brothers portfolio.
Speaker 1: Jamie's eyes widen, they say it in.
Speaker 14: Unison Corporate Senergy.
Speaker 1: Image grabs J's pointy head and clasps her hand on
Speaker 1: either side of her face in a vice grip.
Speaker 2: Bitch, I could swish you like a grape. Bitch, I
Speaker 2: could got you like an eel an eel.
Speaker 1: I can't do anything watch this emage. The room begins swirrel.
Speaker 1: Jamie is transported into an AI generated scene against her
Speaker 1: well interior Santa University common area day.
Speaker 11: Uh script note AI narration again. Also the scene was
Speaker 11: Sophie Lichdermann's request, It's just true.
Speaker 5: Samantha Jones, known for her bold and confident demeanor from
Speaker 5: Sex and the City, steps onto the festive grounds of
Speaker 5: Santa University. Samantha struts through the common area, turning heads
Speaker 5: with her unmistakable style. She spots Dan Santa, the main
Speaker 5: character of Santa University, checking his list twice.
Speaker 8: Well, well, what do we have here Santa University? Honey,
Speaker 8: I bet I can teach these Santas a thing or
Speaker 8: two about spreading joy.
Speaker 5: She approaches Dan Santa with a sly grin.
Speaker 7: Oh hello, can I help you help me?
Speaker 8: Darling? I'm here to add a touch of spice to
Speaker 8: your holiday routine.
Speaker 5: Dan Santa looks intrigued, but not entirely sure what to
Speaker 5: make of Samantha's bold entrance.
Speaker 7: We're all about spreading holiday joy and warmth here. How
Speaker 7: can you contribute?
Speaker 8: Oh, honey, I've got a few tricks up in my sleeve.
Speaker 8: Let's shake things.
Speaker 15: Up a bit.
Speaker 5: She takes Dan Santa by the arm and they walk
Speaker 5: together through the festive grounds of Santa University.
Speaker 1: We cut back too, just a quick note. I think
Speaker 1: that if you pay for chat GBT, they'll let them fuck.
Speaker 5: But I'm not sure.
Speaker 1: I don't know. They only imply, okay, interior means dirty,
Speaker 1: nasty little apartment night. It's been hours, and Jamie's eyes
Speaker 1: flutter back into consciousness. She didn't want to admit it,
Speaker 1: but she loved it. The Samantha seemed was so funny.
Speaker 1: What the fuck? She mumbles to herself as iMOS comes
Speaker 1: into view, sitting in the corner, smugly.
Speaker 14: Should have made city whole joke in the Samantha bit.
Speaker 2: Oh don't go blue, it makes you look in secure.
Speaker 1: Jamie is now fully alert and sees that she's changed
Speaker 1: to with a piping hot radiator. It's interesting, she thought
Speaker 1: to herself in passing. Even though she herself is not
Speaker 1: in the screenpap for Santa University, which she is, it
Speaker 1: still feels as if the stakes of her own life
Speaker 1: are rising almost as if art reflects. iMOS kicks Jamie
Speaker 1: in the head.
Speaker 2: I'm kicking you in the head and delivering this line
Speaker 2: of dialogue. I am going back to David Zaslov's office
Speaker 2: and telling him you don't want a co writer for
Speaker 2: a Santa University. You want me to replace you.
Speaker 14: Never You're not fit to polish Young Sheldon's shoes.
Speaker 1: IMA's laughs maniacally, leaning in close to Jamie.
Speaker 2: A ha ha ha ah. That's right, bitch. I'm going
Speaker 2: to add John Snow to Santa University. I'm going to
Speaker 2: add Ken doll Roy to Santa University. I'm even going
Speaker 2: to add she.
Speaker 1: Leans into Jamie's ear. It's erotic, the gossip girl removed. No,
Speaker 1: all you have to do is tell me how the
Speaker 1: scene ends. How does Dan Santa get out of the
Speaker 1: city hole. Jamie resists the gas, realizing Imags must have
Speaker 1: started the leak herself to trap her close shave for
Speaker 1: the writer of Santa University, who was worried they might
Speaker 1: have to go back and take the whole section out.
Speaker 2: Few fine, don't tell me. I'll find a way to
Speaker 2: get him out of there, even if I have to.
Speaker 11: Script note, she makes a hilarious and prescient reference to
Speaker 11: Deadwood here, what is Deadwood about? Jail prohibition? Who's the
Speaker 11: main guy?
Speaker 1: Emar slams the door after killing it and really landing
Speaker 1: the Deadwood joke. Jamie struggles to hang on how did
Speaker 1: Dan Santa get out of the City Hall? As she
Speaker 1: fades out of consciousness again, we're taken back to the
Speaker 1: city Hall night. Dan Santa sits alone as head as
Speaker 1: Santa and Mol Santa sleep peacefully nearby. They honks she adorably,
Speaker 1: but Dan Santa is deep in his feelings.
Speaker 4: They just replace me like I was nothing, Like I
Speaker 4: looked bad and had no skills.
Speaker 12: Such a fucking loser.
Speaker 1: What the freaking heck? Dan Santa hallucinates, and I'm so
Speaker 1: sorry you could. Jill and Mike Santa his parents who
Speaker 1: sent him to Santa University so that they could spend
Speaker 1: more time with some clowns they met on Tinder.
Speaker 4: Mom, Dad, why are you ghosts?
Speaker 1: She looks to Mike Santa, squinting and trying to remember
Speaker 1: who she's talking to.
Speaker 4: That's our son, Ah right, I'm Dan Santa. When did
Speaker 4: you die?
Speaker 3: Well?
Speaker 12: Son?
Speaker 13: It's true what they say, what with fucking around and finding.
Speaker 7: Out especially with clowns from Tender.
Speaker 13: How you doing, shit bag?
Speaker 14: What's what the hole?
Speaker 4: Oh geez, you guys must be so freaking disappointed. I
Speaker 4: lost my job at Lid's. Everyone at Santa University freaking
Speaker 4: hates me.
Speaker 19: We hate Joe Ass too.
Speaker 4: Even the guys in the hole hate me.
Speaker 7: I'll be honest, Dan Santa. We didn't want to visit
Speaker 7: you if we were really hoping to go to Dennis
Speaker 7: Leary show.
Speaker 13: And besides, when you're a ghost, you conneg someone so
Speaker 13: much they fly.
Speaker 4: They Oh my freaking gosh.
Speaker 1: Dan Santa looks down. It's true. The pure hate ridden
Speaker 1: indifference from his parents has him floating several feet off
Speaker 1: the ground. He makes a series of gleeful noises that
Speaker 1: are hard for the listener to endure.
Speaker 7: Keep going, Mom and Dad, keep hating that I'm your son.
Speaker 7: Let's see, I heard you got replaced to Linz with
Speaker 7: a seven year old.
Speaker 13: I ran into your high school algebra teacher the other day,
Speaker 13: and when I said you were doing well, he said,
Speaker 13: that's too bad.
Speaker 7: I genuinely thought I wanted to be a parent until
Speaker 7: I saw your little mute net poking out of me.
Speaker 1: It's working, Dan Santa's getting nagged so hard that he
Speaker 1: begins to levitate up, up, up, until he's completely out
Speaker 1: of the city hole.
Speaker 4: Mom, Dad, you nagged me out of the city hole.
Speaker 7: What's your name again?
Speaker 1: Jill and Mike Santa stop listening. Their ghosts are making
Speaker 1: out in the hole. I have nowhere head as Santa
Speaker 1: and All Santa shake their fists and swear at Dan Santa, thanks.
Speaker 14: For fucking nothing, Dad Santa.
Speaker 10: Yo, no reading, headass, dumb ass, dumb looking ass, pretty ass,
Speaker 10: stupid ass, head ass, you piece of shit. After and
Speaker 10: after I sang my song, awesome song, head ass, stupid ass.
Speaker 1: Dan Santa is two looks like shit to care. He
Speaker 1: soars into the atmosphere, chanting.
Speaker 14: I'm Dan Santa.
Speaker 4: I'm Dan Santa. I'm Dan Santa.
Speaker 1: Bitch.
Speaker 4: We know.
Speaker 1: He levitates so high he's out of Santa University. Off
Speaker 1: the page, into Jamie Loftus's writing study. Oh no, the
Speaker 1: computer is taking over a kitchen full of gas. Jamie
Speaker 1: can't believe her eyes. Is Dan Santa, the man she's
Speaker 1: been writing for six years, descended into her apartment like
Speaker 1: an ugly ass angel. He smiles knowingly, his stinky boots
Speaker 1: touching the floor.
Speaker 4: I'm Dan Santa here, You're real. That's the magic of Christmas,
Speaker 4: Isn't it that special time of year when everywhere where
Speaker 4: you look there's some.
Speaker 14: Guy who I'm familiar with your reputation?
Speaker 1: Are they Are they gonna kiss? Dan Santa's been getting
Speaker 1: a lot of action in the last few years. Nope,
Speaker 1: Dan Santa chickens out at the last second, turns his
Speaker 1: head and starts to sing the.
Speaker 4: Perfect Santa is kind and good.
Speaker 14: No fucking way, Dan Santa.
Speaker 4: Ah Man, no one likes me songs.
Speaker 14: Unchained me from this radiator. We start recording Santa University
Speaker 14: in eight minutes, and we still have to kill David Zaslav.
Speaker 1: Dan Santa dexterously unchains her and Jamie thanks for a
Speaker 1: fleeting moment. What would those hands feel like? Hun never mind?
Speaker 1: Never mind? Interior David Zaslav's office night. David Zaslav sits
Speaker 1: at his desk getting his shoulders massaged by imaj looking
Speaker 1: at a freshly printed copy of Santa University.
Speaker 15: My Time the nighttime really cool.
Speaker 1: iMOS strokes his hair. But she's got some ragusauce on
Speaker 1: her hand from hanging out at Jamie's apartment for too long,
Speaker 1: So it's missy.
Speaker 2: She had to admit it, David, My script was simply better.
Speaker 2: When I showed her the character of Charlie Jim, she wept.
Speaker 15: I just think we could get Ryan Reynolds for Jolly Jim.
Speaker 2: She said, And I quote Charlie Jim is way better
Speaker 2: as a protagonist than Dan Santa. Dan Santa looks like shit, and.
Speaker 1: Dan Santa kicks down the door, or tries to. It
Speaker 1: takes a few tries, it only half works. Jamie ends
Speaker 1: up just opening it for him as emagen. David Zaslav
Speaker 1: look on, kind of trying not to laugh at him.
Speaker 1: Jamie pieces her head in uh uh.
Speaker 14: He was just gonna say, can't even read, I'm Dan Santa. Hia.
Speaker 1: Jamie still has the shackles around her wrist and hurls
Speaker 1: it out. This was written very fast, taking imas down
Speaker 1: to the floor. Her head shatters instantly. The battle takes
Speaker 1: over four four.
Speaker 2: Hours, like.
Speaker 1: So, I guess the security guy in front fell asleep.
Speaker 1: He just let Jamie and Dan Santa in a series
Speaker 1: of high octane shots. David Zaslov uses Batgirl DVDs as
Speaker 1: throwing stars. What else are they good? For Dan Santa
Speaker 1: tries to do a flip but lands on his head.
Speaker 1: Jamie spots up plot convenient vault on the other side
Speaker 1: of the office. Oh didn't mention that before, Well it
Speaker 1: was there. Dan Santa and David Zoslov get into a
Speaker 1: slap fight. Dan Santa slaps David Zaslov closer and closer
Speaker 1: to the open vault.
Speaker 15: You fool, I'm a slapping machine.
Speaker 4: Oh crap, my hands are getting tired.
Speaker 1: Across the room, Jamie slingshots an egg at David Zaslov's head,
Speaker 1: launching him into the vault. Dan Santa slams it shut.
Speaker 1: Thank god, I'm really running out of time. Jamie and
Speaker 1: Dan Santa embrace.
Speaker 14: He'll be okay for legal purposes.
Speaker 4: Thank you so much. Strange woman i've never met.
Speaker 14: Yeah, I guess you don't know who I am, and
Speaker 14: maybe that's for the best. You belong at Santa University
Speaker 14: and I belong at my dirty apartment that keeps leaking gas.
Speaker 1: Dan Santa does a hat tipping motion, but isn't wearing
Speaker 1: a hat. He can't pull it off.
Speaker 4: I guess it's just another year at.
Speaker 1: The whole cast pops their little heads into the windows,
Speaker 1: doors and air vents, as if by stove induced magic.
Speaker 1: The whole cast sings the classic song, fading into the
Speaker 1: ether of Jamie's stove gas addled mind until twelve hours
Speaker 1: before Santa University starts next year. She looks around at
Speaker 1: David Zaslav's office.
Speaker 14: What a really cool day for me?
Speaker 1: Freeze frame the end, except the camera pulls into where
Speaker 1: Imaj has crumpled to the ground. There's a flicker of
Speaker 1: remaining in image's eyes. Post credit scene interior, SANDFORDI University
Speaker 1: Common Area.
Speaker 11: Night script noo AI section.
Speaker 5: The campus is quiet, bathed in the soft glow of
Speaker 5: twinkling lights, and surrounded by the magical hush of a
Speaker 5: winter's night. The credits have rolled, but there's one more
Speaker 5: scene left to unfold. In the common area, a cozy
Speaker 5: fire crackles in the hearth. The camera zooms in on
Speaker 5: a table adorned with letters to Santa and empty milk
Speaker 5: glasses from the student's festive celebrations. Suddenly, a gust of
Speaker 5: wind sweeps through the room, and the air shimmers with
Speaker 5: magical energy. The flicker of the fire intensifies, casting dancing
Speaker 5: shadows on the wall. Out of the shadows emerges a
Speaker 5: mysterious figure, a cloaked silhouette with a twinkle in their eye.
Speaker 13: Valvalval Sansor University certainly knows how to keep the holiday's
Speaker 13: spirits alive.
Speaker 5: The figure steps forward, revealing a mischievous smile. It's none
Speaker 5: other than Crampis, the legendary Christmas demon known for punishing
Speaker 5: naughty children.
Speaker 13: But perhaps there's a room for a little mischief from
Speaker 13: the darker side of the holiday spectrum.
Speaker 5: As Crampis disappears into the shadows, mischievous jingle echoes through
Speaker 5: the room, leaving a hint of uncertainty and excitement for
Speaker 5: what might come next in the world of Santa University.
Speaker 5: Fade out. The post credit scene leaves the audience with
Speaker 5: a touch of mystery, teasing the potential for new adventures
Speaker 5: and challenges in the magical world of Santa University.
Speaker 1: They mulloween, Joele and Justin I'm so sorry happen. He's
Speaker 1: mostly just yelling at Miles.
Speaker 19: That's pretty funny though, you just roasted it.
Speaker 10: That was actually my idea for head ass Santa, where
Speaker 10: he just comes in and just roast people.
Speaker 4: It's his whole role.
Speaker 12: He'll be back.
Speaker 1: Thanks guys, Thank you so much for seven seven.
Speaker 19: Consistency.
Speaker 1: I gotta I gotta take a shower so bad