Speaker 1: I am a yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher
Speaker 1: for salm, and a soft place to fall for others.
Speaker 1: And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until
Speaker 1: I love myself enough to be able to share my
Speaker 1: love with other people. Welcome to the Rspot, a production
Speaker 1: of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Today we're going
Speaker 1: to talk about something that is important in establishing and
Speaker 1: maintaining healthy relationships. Boundaries, boundaries, What is appropriate, what isn't appropriate,
Speaker 1: what is acceptable, what isn't acceptable. We have to have boundaries,
Speaker 1: And for some reason, it seems that it's so challenging
Speaker 1: for us to create a boundary until people are running
Speaker 1: a monk. Once they start running a monk, then we
Speaker 1: want to put up the stop sign. No no, no no.
Speaker 1: If you establish a boundary earlier, if you make specifical
Speaker 1: requests earlier, if you have specific agreements early, early in
Speaker 1: the relationship, you have something to lean into when things
Speaker 1: start to run a monk. If you don't have boundaries,
Speaker 1: what happens is when you find yourself sitting in a mess,
Speaker 1: then you're going to want to know what to do.
Speaker 1: That's exactly where my first call is in a mess,
Speaker 1: not knowing what to do. Listen to this. Greetings beloved,
Speaker 1: and welcome to the UR spot. What is the relationship challenge,
Speaker 1: issue dilemma that you have today that we can explore together.
Speaker 2: Well, there are have a challenge with my father and
Speaker 2: he is wife. They've been married for quite some time,
Speaker 2: but recently, in the last couple of years, his relationship
Speaker 2: with his wife has kind of seeped over into my
Speaker 2: relationship with my father. We had an incident last year
Speaker 2: and we went to get support and help from our
Speaker 2: pastor and had a family meeting that included her and
Speaker 2: my dad and my sister and I. And from that conversation,
Speaker 2: we had said that we would be cordial with each other.
Speaker 2: And so I said, you know, I would be cordial.
Speaker 2: And you know, there were a couple times where I
Speaker 2: would see her and I would say hello, and she
Speaker 2: would either you know, somewhat acknowledge me or not, and
Speaker 2: then you know, she would tell my dad that I
Speaker 2: didn't speak or what have you. I think the last
Speaker 2: time where I had kind of decided that I needed
Speaker 2: to sense myself from her was I went over to
Speaker 2: their house and said hello, and she wouldn't even look
Speaker 2: at me or acknowledge me. And I just said, you
Speaker 2: know my stuff the last time I'm going to go
Speaker 2: over there. And you know, I'm now challenged with you know,
Speaker 2: how do I continue to maintain a healthy relationship with
Speaker 2: my dad but yet still have these boundaries with his wife?
Speaker 1: Why does she have to acknowledgey?
Speaker 2: I guess I think of acknowledge it of just like hello,
Speaker 2: you know. I think that when someone doesn't look at
Speaker 2: you when you speak, or they complain about and I
Speaker 2: think the challenge is like when I have spoken, still
Speaker 2: complain to my dad about that I didn't and it's like,
Speaker 2: but I did, you know, And it doesn't seem.
Speaker 1: As though and what does he say? What does he
Speaker 1: say when he complained? When he when she complains to him,
Speaker 1: and and and you say, but I did speak to her.
Speaker 1: I mean, what is his complaint? Does he have a
Speaker 1: complaint to you?
Speaker 2: I will say that His response is I know, I know, I.
Speaker 1: Know you did, So then why is he bringing it
Speaker 1: to you?
Speaker 3: I think he felt.
Speaker 2: Caught in the middle. You know, He's always created this
Speaker 2: dynamic where so where it was a relationship with her
Speaker 2: and her son, and then there's a relationship with you know,
Speaker 2: my dad and his children, and so there's always kind
Speaker 2: of been the separate dynamic, and so he's always kind
Speaker 2: of been the go between because we've never, to be
Speaker 2: quite honest, I've never had a relationship with his wife.
Speaker 2: And when they got married years ago, he never told
Speaker 2: us he got married. He never told us children.
Speaker 1: I can tell you don't have a relationship because you
Speaker 1: don't say my stepmother, you say his wife. Yeah, so
Speaker 1: that puts on the outside already. And don't you think
Speaker 1: she feels that. Don't you think she feels like an outsider?
Speaker 2: Probably? Yes.
Speaker 1: So she's got a relationship with her husband, she's got
Speaker 1: a relationship with her children. She doesn't have her relationship
Speaker 1: with his her husband's children because there's never been no
Speaker 1: full integration. She the other woman and you don't like
Speaker 1: her and she don't like you. How about that?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's uncomfortable, but that's what you all have created, right,
Speaker 1: you created it. You said my father and his wife,
Speaker 1: his relationship with my relationship with his wife be cordial.
Speaker 1: So you you made an agreement with the pastor that
Speaker 1: you would be cordial, that you'd say hello, Did you
Speaker 1: make an agreement with the pastor that she would respond, No,
Speaker 1: that was that any agreement? Oh okay, is your father mobile?
Speaker 1: I mean, does he get up then he go out?
Speaker 1: Can he do those kinds of things?
Speaker 2: He can? And we have you know, made we have
Speaker 2: like spent time with him out you know, Gonda or
Speaker 2: what have you. So recently we ask him to go
Speaker 2: to dinner Poor Father's Day, and you know, it's always
Speaker 2: kind of like, oh, I have to see and I
Speaker 2: have to you know, there's some hesitancy, I guess.
Speaker 1: So what is your question? What is you asking me?
Speaker 1: How to create a boundary with somebody you don't like
Speaker 1: and somebody that doesn't like you in order for you
Speaker 1: to be in relationship with your father who lives with
Speaker 1: the person that you don't like and the person that
Speaker 1: doesn't like you. Does that get Is that about it?
Speaker 2: Right?
Speaker 1: Oh?
Speaker 2: Well? I think too, is like, how to you know,
Speaker 2: maintain a relationship with my dad? You know, I understand
Speaker 2: he's so hot in the middle, but you know, my
Speaker 2: relationship with is important.
Speaker 1: Yeah, let me take this to another level because regardless
Speaker 1: of what you think, called don't think, you still got
Speaker 1: some animosity about Really it's towards your father that he
Speaker 1: married this woman and didn't tell nobody, so she's remained
Speaker 1: the other woman. Can you can you own that? Can
Speaker 1: you own that she's an outsider? And whatever feelings you
Speaker 1: have about he didn't tell you he was married her
Speaker 1: or anybody else, have you dealt with that?
Speaker 4: Can I?
Speaker 2: Yes? And we and when we had the meeting with
Speaker 2: the pactor, we brought that to his intention.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but that's not her fault. That's that's not her fault.
Speaker 1: That's what he created. Do you want the red pill
Speaker 1: means stop, don't tell me no more? Or do you
Speaker 1: want the blue pill, which is tell me what I
Speaker 1: need to know?
Speaker 4: Okay?
Speaker 1: If he had married Karen the Orangutang, your responsibility was
Speaker 1: to honor his choice right and woman to woman, she
Speaker 1: is an elder to you. If your father is seventy
Speaker 1: eight years old, how did she seventy four seventy six?
Speaker 1: She's your elder power. Don't run up and runs down.
Speaker 1: It was for you to say to her, I'm welcome
Speaker 1: to the family. I know this may be challenging having
Speaker 1: adult people or whatever in your life, but I'd like
Speaker 1: for us to create a relationship woman to woman that
Speaker 1: doesn't have anything to do with my father? How about that?
Speaker 2: Okay?
Speaker 1: What color does she like? What color does she like?
Speaker 1: What's her favorite perfume? Where does she like to eat?
Speaker 1: What's a birth when's a birthday? How many birthday cards
Speaker 1: have you centered? How many Mothers They cards have you centered?
Speaker 1: Have you ever said to her, thank you for bringing
Speaker 1: some joy into my father's life? Have you ever done that?
Speaker 1: Young and because you are young, into her? Hello?
Speaker 2: Yeah, no, I'm listening to you.
Speaker 1: It is incumbent upon you to establish a relationship with her.
Speaker 1: Her and she don't have to like you, but it's
Speaker 1: up to you to be respectful towards her. You don't
Speaker 1: like her, she don't like you. You go over to
Speaker 1: her castle because, whether you like it or not, your
Speaker 1: father's home. She the queen in that castle. And here
Speaker 1: you come, expecting the queen to bow to you. She
Speaker 1: ain't gonna do that. If you don't have a relationship.
Speaker 1: Don't hear me saying you did anything wrong. Please, But
Speaker 1: here's another perspective, the bluepill. How many Mothers They cards
Speaker 1: have you sent her?
Speaker 2: I don't.
Speaker 1: Oh do you know what perfume she likes that you
Speaker 1: could give her for a birthday? Nope? Oh, but you
Speaker 1: want to go sit up in her castle and talk
Speaker 1: to her king. Really, Yes, that's your father and he
Speaker 1: made a choice, and the most loving and respectful thing
Speaker 1: you can do is honor the choice he made. You
Speaker 1: don't have to like it, but to honor him, you
Speaker 1: honor his choice. Tell me what you hear me saying.
Speaker 1: You don't have to repeat the words, but tell me
Speaker 1: what you hear and what I'm offering you.
Speaker 2: I mean, it sounds like you're saying like I need
Speaker 2: to show her respect for who she is in his
Speaker 2: wife and their relationship. You know, I feel like I
Speaker 2: need to be authentic to myself as well, the true
Speaker 2: to myself, and so you know, sending a Mother's Day
Speaker 2: card to her doesn't seem what the what's a good
Speaker 2: place to start?
Speaker 1: I guess we'll talk about that right after this break.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the R spot. Let's pick up where
Speaker 1: we left off. You have not honored and respected her
Speaker 1: as the queen your father chose for himself. I'm just
Speaker 1: using those words, but doesn't have to be. She's a queen.
Speaker 1: You know she deserves emerald crown. But you haven't honored
Speaker 1: his choice. Beloved. What I'm hearing, which is probably hard
Speaker 1: for you and your sisters to hear, is that he
Speaker 1: brought her into your's life, so she has a responsibility
Speaker 1: to you. And I'm swift flipping that up and I'm saying, no, no,
Speaker 1: this is your daddy who you love. You know how
Speaker 1: many women don't have a good relationship with their daddy
Speaker 1: that they can't go to their daddy's house, that they
Speaker 1: can't take their daddy out from lunch to dinner. How
Speaker 1: many times have you all invited her to come out
Speaker 1: to dinner with you? A lot of times and she
Speaker 1: doesn't go. Do you bring up back a doggie bag?
Speaker 2: Absolutely? And so that's the part I guess, and I
Speaker 2: hear you. I do hear you, and I there's just
Speaker 2: so many years and years of things and we did
Speaker 2: spend a lot of years, I know, years of her,
Speaker 2: you know, inviting her over and things of that nature,
Speaker 2: and you know, the last couple of years things have
Speaker 2: just totally different.
Speaker 1: Well, he created that. I'm sorry he created it, and
Speaker 1: we're not going to beat him up or blame him.
Speaker 1: But now it's up to the women. It's up to
Speaker 1: you all as women, junior women, elder women. The Queen's
Speaker 1: got to come together to save the kingdom, you know,
Speaker 1: and so I, I, you know, the only thing, because
Speaker 1: I don't know what boundaries you're talking about. You can't
Speaker 1: walk up in that woman's castle and expect her to
Speaker 1: do anything. That's just not how it works. It just
Speaker 1: doesn't work like that, as you can see. Can you
Speaker 1: see it's not working?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Can I ask you a question, No, I totally understand.
Speaker 2: I totally understand that because I would expect the same
Speaker 2: for anybody coming into my house, right. And so my
Speaker 2: question is, though, so if I go over there and
Speaker 2: the behavior continue, the treatment or I should say, or
Speaker 2: a response.
Speaker 1: And that's what you expect, that's what you're going to get.
Speaker 1: If that's what you expect, that's what you're going to get.
Speaker 1: You gotta wipe the slate clean. If that's what you expect,
Speaker 1: that's what you will get. You can't judge today based
Speaker 1: on I don't care if it was fifty six years
Speaker 1: You can't judge it today. You cannot. And yes, you
Speaker 1: have to be authentic to yourself, and being authentic to
Speaker 1: yourself is being able to be there for your dad.
Speaker 1: So the question becomes, what is it that I need
Speaker 1: to do so that I can be in loving, authentic
Speaker 1: relationship with my father without disrespecting the woman that he chose.
Speaker 1: I would ask her that question. That's just me because
Speaker 1: I'm bold. I come from Brooklyn. I'm bold like that.
Speaker 1: I'm coming right up in your face. But that's me.
Speaker 1: You don't have to do that where you live, probably
Speaker 1: in the Midwestwest in Washington. Oh yeah, See, y'all are
Speaker 1: strange out there, y'all do something else. I'm from Brooklyn.
Speaker 1: I'm coming right up in your face. And I would
Speaker 1: come right up in her face and say, Miss Molly
Speaker 1: or whatever the hell come name is. This is not working.
Speaker 1: I'm no longer comfortable coming to your house and we
Speaker 1: don't speak to each other. That hurts me and it
Speaker 1: makes it's hard for Daddy. What do I need to
Speaker 1: do to make this right between us? We don't have
Speaker 1: to go get our nails done together, but I want
Speaker 1: to make it right between us, Miss Molly, so that
Speaker 1: you and Daddy can be at peace. What do I
Speaker 1: need to do? But then again, I'm from Brooklyn.
Speaker 2: No, I like that because it takes, like you said,
Speaker 2: it takes my dad out of the middle of it,
Speaker 2: and it's woman to woman.
Speaker 1: That's the only way you're going to fix this. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and you're looking at her. But he created it and
Speaker 1: he let it go on because before you all got
Speaker 1: to the pastor he was supposed to sit you all
Speaker 1: down and say, I'm in the middle of this. I
Speaker 1: love both of you. I want you all to work
Speaker 1: this out. What do we need to do? That should
Speaker 1: have happened twenty seven years ago?
Speaker 4: But it didn't.
Speaker 1: Okay, so here we are now. It's on you, Miss Molly.
Speaker 1: It hurts me. That might not be the truth. It
Speaker 1: probably pisses you off, but you can tell her it
Speaker 1: hurts you. It hurts you because it hurts your daddy. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it hurts you because it hurt your daddy. And don't
Speaker 1: go bare face, empty handed when you come to ask
Speaker 1: that question. Bring some roses or a bottle of honeysuckle
Speaker 1: or something, a chicken wing, anything. Don't just roll up
Speaker 1: like that. I apologize, Miss Molly. You know I realize
Speaker 1: I have not handled this well. I didn't know what
Speaker 1: to do. Because you the younger, you have to humble. Now.
Speaker 1: She may be old and bitter and don't care say
Speaker 1: that and say okay, but that shouldn't stop you. Every
Speaker 1: time you go to your daddy's house, you bring her something.
Speaker 1: I don't care if it's a magazine, because then she
Speaker 1: can't say you didn't speak hell.
Speaker 2: And I'm not making excuses. I just would say that,
Speaker 2: you know, I have like here, brought over baked and
Speaker 2: something and brought it over. But the thing I think
Speaker 2: that you're pointing out is I didn't say, you know,
Speaker 2: what do we what do we need to do and apologize.
Speaker 2: I didn't humble myself.
Speaker 1: And you didn't do it for her. The bottom line is,
Speaker 1: and this is what you've got to clean up. You
Speaker 1: don't like her. That's truth. For whatever reason. She may
Speaker 1: be a bitter old lady. I don't know. You know,
Speaker 1: she maybe feed the birds and pick up straight dogs.
Speaker 1: I don't know. But you don't like her. And probably
Speaker 1: because of the way it was established, she was forced
Speaker 1: down your throat. You didn't get an opportunity to learn her,
Speaker 1: to know her. You probably don't think she's good enough
Speaker 1: for your daddy or nice enough of you know. You
Speaker 1: got to work that out. But you got to clean
Speaker 1: that up, because if you think she doesn't feel it,
Speaker 1: you're crazy. We are all and all is one. We
Speaker 1: are all and all is one.
Speaker 2: What does that mean?
Speaker 1: You are all of one, We are all in this
Speaker 1: together as human beings. So you can't have a thought
Speaker 1: or a feeling that the rest of us don't get.
Speaker 1: You just can't do it. So, for whatever reason she
Speaker 1: knows you don't like her, or you have feelings about
Speaker 1: her and nonemlessen, you probably wouldn't leave us, you know,
Speaker 1: drowning on the side of the street, right. But for
Speaker 1: whatever reason, you know you have upset with her. And
Speaker 1: it's hard, you know, particularly the way we are educated,
Speaker 1: programmed and conditioned in the society as women. You know,
Speaker 1: we're expected to compete. You know, you're you're competing with
Speaker 1: her on some level. She's competing with you on some level,
Speaker 1: and she may feel you all are more important to
Speaker 1: him than her children. I don't know. She's not here.
Speaker 1: I can't speak for her, but this is this is
Speaker 1: an old thing and what you just want to do
Speaker 1: is bring it into neutrality so that a your dad's
Speaker 1: not in the middle, and b he doesn't have to
Speaker 1: deal with the queen's wrath when the when the other
Speaker 1: people on around and you you've got some judgment about
Speaker 1: that she don't treat him right, or she don't do
Speaker 1: this or that. You don't think she feels that judgment
Speaker 1: and she probably judges you too, But I'm not talking
Speaker 1: to her. I'm talking to you. So take your time,
Speaker 1: just really listen, take these words in and argue with them.
Speaker 1: You know, in the church they say, wrestle with this.
Speaker 1: Wrestle with it until you get all of the objections
Speaker 1: and the resistance subdued, and then you can do it.
Speaker 1: Because you've got objections, you got resistance. You go, well,
Speaker 1: what abouts? And you've got but she did? And how comes?
Speaker 1: Wrestle all of that to the ground. Wrestle it down.
Speaker 1: This is about making it better for everybody involved. And
Speaker 1: as as the adult woman here, I'm willing to do that.
Speaker 1: I'm willing to transition out of what was into what
Speaker 1: can be. Yeah yeah, okay, you're doing the right thing
Speaker 1: in the right way. But like I said, take your time,
Speaker 1: wrestle it down. Wrestle with it.
Speaker 2: That gives me a breatho I mean, I you know kind.
Speaker 1: Of yeah yeah yeah. And in the meantime, call your
Speaker 1: daddy and talk to him, you know, call her, talk
Speaker 1: to her whatever you know, But don't try to do
Speaker 1: this with a false face, because when I'm saying to
Speaker 1: you as your elder, it will make sense.
Speaker 2: It will I receive that.
Speaker 1: Okay, my love, I want to hear how you make out. Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: my love, thank you for calling. Alrighty bye bye. It
Speaker 1: takes a masterful awareness and a respectful understanding to create
Speaker 1: boundaries for the things that are important to you and
Speaker 1: for you. Setting boundaries is not a sophisticated way to
Speaker 1: manipulate people to get what you want. Setting boundaries is
Speaker 1: a way to keep yourself and everyone safe. Setting boundaries
Speaker 1: is the way we let people know what we expect
Speaker 1: and what we can do. Setting boundaries makes us aware
Speaker 1: and in some cases uncomfortable in certain situations. But when
Speaker 1: you create the boundary in your mind, understanding what you're
Speaker 1: going for, it supports the creation the maintenance of healthy relationships.
Speaker 1: And sometimes when you create boundaries, you have to do
Speaker 1: things that are uncomfortable, you have to say things that
Speaker 1: are uncomfortable, but you do it because it's for the
Speaker 1: good of the whole. And just because you create a
Speaker 1: boundary doesn't mean that everybody's going.
Speaker 4: To like it.
Speaker 1: That is not the goal. The goal is the good
Speaker 1: of the whole. It's important to have boundaries with your partners,
Speaker 1: with your children. But it's also important to have boundaries
Speaker 1: in your professional life. Things that you expect, things that
Speaker 1: you request, things that you require, and more important than that,
Speaker 1: it's important to know what to do when your professional
Speaker 1: boundaries are not honored. Take a listen. Greetings beloved, and
Speaker 1: welcome to the RT spot. I understand you have a
Speaker 1: relationship challenge, issue or dilemma that we can chew on together.
Speaker 3: Yes, that's so exciting for me to talk you. Oh
Speaker 3: my god, it's like I want the lottery today.
Speaker 2: Wow.
Speaker 1: Thank you. So what is your relationship challenge issue dilemma.
Speaker 4: I'm a teacher of adult education and I work with
Speaker 4: students who are seventeen and onwards, so there's no upper limits,
Speaker 4: and I don't have an issue with my mature students.
Speaker 4: What I'm having an issue with is my youngsters who
Speaker 4: have been through the pandemic. You know, they were the
Speaker 4: lockdown kids who a lot of them they just drifted
Speaker 4: off and they never finished school, or they were the
Speaker 4: kids with the cameras off. And now they're trying to
Speaker 4: get their high school diplomas to go on to post
Speaker 4: secondary and they're having a very hard time meeting deadlines
Speaker 4: and respecting my boundaries.
Speaker 2: So what I want to talk about is boundaries.
Speaker 1: Okay, you said meeting deadlines, Yeah, and your boundaries. So
Speaker 1: let's deal with the boundaries. First. Tell me what you
Speaker 1: mean by boundaries.
Speaker 4: When I set a boundary, for example, sign up for
Speaker 4: your presentation because you're committing to that time, and I
Speaker 4: mean somebody else can't have that time, and you need
Speaker 4: to show up, need to be prepared and time and
Speaker 4: have again. With these young folks, you know, God blesshem,
Speaker 4: I have compassion for them, but it's can I do
Speaker 4: it tomorrow? Can I do it later? And the thing
Speaker 4: is I have deadlines to meet as a teacher. So
Speaker 4: I think that it's boundaries around my time, respecting my
Speaker 4: time and the class time, and respecting theirselves as well.
Speaker 2: Well.
Speaker 1: You know, these young ands, they are a whole new
Speaker 1: breed human. They are a whole new breed. They don't
Speaker 1: know that that's not a boundary. They don't know commitment, integrity,
Speaker 1: and accountability. I call it the CIA. They don't know.
Speaker 1: They don't know how to make honor commitments. They do
Speaker 1: not have integrity, meaning they say one thing and do
Speaker 1: something else, and they don't want to be accountable. They
Speaker 1: think they're entitled and everybody has to do it the
Speaker 1: way they think it needs to be done. It's not boundaries,
Speaker 1: although boundaries are, because they don't have boundaries. Of course,
Speaker 1: they wouldn't honor. They don't have boundaries around commitments. They
Speaker 1: don't have boundaries around integrity. They don't have boundaries around accountability.
Speaker 1: And it's not being demonstrated to them. In very few
Speaker 1: places in the world is it being demonstrated to them.
Speaker 1: So that is the issue. So the teaching then becomes
Speaker 1: how do I teach them about commitments and choices and
Speaker 1: consequences and responsibilities. How do I bring them into integrity?
Speaker 1: If they're here because they want to get a high
Speaker 1: school diploma or they want to do post secondary learning,
Speaker 1: how do I bring them into integrity with their intention
Speaker 1: and their division, And how then do I hold them
Speaker 1: accountable for the commit meant the choice that they may
Speaker 1: and how do I hold them accountable with integrity? Does
Speaker 1: that make sense?
Speaker 4: But it completely makes sense.
Speaker 3: And I have been exercising myn no muscle.
Speaker 2: Like never before.
Speaker 4: And you know, honestly, I'm proud of myself because I
Speaker 4: have held to my nose and here's the other thing
Speaker 4: on that I need to show to demonstrate, like you're saying,
Speaker 4: I need to demonstrate integrity to them so that when
Speaker 4: the first person says, can I do my presentation tomorrow,
Speaker 4: I say no, the twenty fifth person has to get
Speaker 4: the same response from me because that's just not fair.
Speaker 1: That's right, and it's not that it's not fair, it's
Speaker 1: not congruent, and it's not an integrity. These youngins today,
Speaker 1: particularly that fifteen to twenty twenty one, not all of them,
Speaker 1: I'm not talking about all of them, but because these
Speaker 1: these are the young people that grew up in a
Speaker 1: car seat, in the back of a car looking at
Speaker 1: the back of someone's head while they were on a device.
Speaker 1: The youngsters were on a device, you know. These are
Speaker 1: the young people that learn how to text a message
Speaker 1: and not speak it exactly. These are the people that
Speaker 1: eat their dinner out of a styrofoam box instead of
Speaker 1: around the table where there's conversation and teaching. So they
Speaker 1: have arrested development. And that's not making anyone wrong or
Speaker 1: making you know, the parents had to work, that they
Speaker 1: were latchkey kids, that they didn't have community centers to
Speaker 1: go to drum and bugle cores, swimming teams, sports, because
Speaker 1: all of that is gone. So the devices that disconnect
Speaker 1: in order to be connected was their way of being.
Speaker 1: So they don't have human skills, they don't have communication skills,
Speaker 1: they don't have problem solving skills. And then because they
Speaker 1: get everything they want, they think they're entitled. You know,
Speaker 1: when you grew up, and you're probably younger than me,
Speaker 1: I wouldn't even ask the teacher could I do it tomorrow?
Speaker 1: The teacher said, doing Wednesday? You doing Wednesday? When you
Speaker 1: say no, what is their response.
Speaker 4: Push back, to push at those boundaries.
Speaker 1: And what does it look like just to keep asking.
Speaker 4: The same thing again again, even though they've heard me
Speaker 4: say no for a week and a half. And sometimes
Speaker 4: I feel really manipulated.
Speaker 1: Lack lack of integrity, lack of integrity.
Speaker 4: And sometimes it's like, well, I bought this gift for you.
Speaker 4: I bought you a candle, I made you cookies, so
Speaker 4: now can we change the note to it? Yes, I
Speaker 4: feel really manipulated.
Speaker 1: Well, you don't have to be manipulated, say I'll take
Speaker 1: the cookies. But he can't change his no exactly exactly.
Speaker 1: That's their hustler. They're running their racket.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I don't know the construction of your classroom or how
Speaker 1: this process unfolds, but there are a couple of things
Speaker 1: that I would offer you. Okay, we'll do it right
Speaker 1: after this break. Welcome back to the r spot. Let's
Speaker 1: get back to the conversation. Day one. When it butt
Speaker 1: hits the seat in the classroom, you have them create
Speaker 1: an intention statement. Okay, what is your intention?
Speaker 3: Because because I've learned from youtation.
Speaker 1: Okay, okay, yeah, So when when they come and ask
Speaker 1: you can I do it tomorrow and you say, here's
Speaker 1: the schedule, this is what we have to cover. This
Speaker 1: is what we have to do. If you don't do this,
Speaker 1: you're not going to meet your intention. Not going to
Speaker 1: meet your intention. It's just that simple. I'll take the cookies,
Speaker 1: I'll take the candle. But I want you to understand,
Speaker 1: if you don't do it here, you're not going to
Speaker 1: honor your intention. The other thing is with the intention,
Speaker 1: also have them create a vision. What is your vision?
Speaker 1: You want to be out of here in six weeks,
Speaker 1: twelve week, nine weeks, and when you're out of here them,
Speaker 1: what are you going to do? And what do you
Speaker 1: You're going to apply to college? What college are you
Speaker 1: applying to? And what do you want to study when
Speaker 1: you get in college? And what are you going to
Speaker 1: wear your first day in college? Create the vision for
Speaker 1: them because the vision will pull them forward. But if
Speaker 1: they circumvent the intention, they're not going to make the
Speaker 1: vision because what you're doing now is you are holding
Speaker 1: them responsible and holding them accountable to the intention they
Speaker 1: created and the vision they hold. So it ain't it's
Speaker 1: not even about your boundary. It's about their commitment to
Speaker 1: their self. It's about their commitment to their self and
Speaker 1: the choices that they make that either support or don't
Speaker 1: support their commitment than their intention. And that's how you's
Speaker 1: that's what you hold to that doesn't support your intention
Speaker 1: to move this date, You're not going to honor your
Speaker 1: intention to getting out of here in six weeks, twelve week,
Speaker 1: whatever it is. So what is the choice? And you
Speaker 1: can ask them, So what is the choice you're making
Speaker 1: right now? Okay, you're making the choice to ask me
Speaker 1: for an extension that's going to take you out of
Speaker 1: alignment with your intention? Is that what you're asking me?
Speaker 1: I can't support that? So my answer is no.
Speaker 4: It totally makes sense. There's just one more question I
Speaker 4: have for you, if you don't mind if I if
Speaker 4: I haven't been more of your child, please Yeah. So,
Speaker 4: what I've noticed is that I'm getting pissed off. You
Speaker 4: know the first dozen knows, but are the one hundred
Speaker 4: and first No. My tone is not what I would
Speaker 4: like it to be. You know, it's a no instead
Speaker 4: of a no. So one of my colleagues said to me,
Speaker 4: you can say no without getting pissed off, and that
Speaker 4: really really resonated with me, and maybe me think about that.
Speaker 4: So I guess that's.
Speaker 1: My question, why are you getting pissed off?
Speaker 4: I'm getting pissed off because I feel it's like they
Speaker 4: don't have any compassion for me. I have compassion for them,
Speaker 4: and they don't see that I have to meet my expectations,
Speaker 4: you know. I don't set these deadlines to the Ministry
Speaker 4: of Education my principle and so I have to be
Speaker 4: an integrity. So I think that I just feel really
Speaker 4: frustrated and pressured, and I think that that's what makes
Speaker 4: me pissed off.
Speaker 1: Well, that's because you're attached to the outcome. You're attached
Speaker 1: to the outcome because you have people to add answer
Speaker 1: to yes, So you've become personally involved in the outcome. Yeah,
Speaker 1: if they don't do what this supposed to do, and
Speaker 1: they don't get out of school, and you have these
Speaker 1: boundaries or this structure that you have to work within,
Speaker 1: that's not your problem. Their failure to honor the Again,
Speaker 1: if we want to use the word boundaries, to stay
Speaker 1: within the boundaries, See, a boundary is a protective device
Speaker 1: that allows you to say what goes on within this boundary.
Speaker 1: It's not a wall that keeps people out. It's a
Speaker 1: protective device. It's a purposeful structure. So the Ministry of Education,
Speaker 1: the principal, whoever, they've given you these boundaries so that
Speaker 1: their projected outcomes can be met. People come here, they
Speaker 1: stay here, three months, five months, whatever it is, and
Speaker 1: then we can move them into their choice, desire, intention
Speaker 1: to move on. So if they don't live with the
Speaker 1: those boundaries somehow or another, you've made up in your
Speaker 1: mind that it means you're failing. Yeah, so you're attached
Speaker 1: to them doing it this way so that they can
Speaker 1: get out. And it's not personal. They're crazy, they're teenagers.
Speaker 1: They are a whole new breed of human Okay, so
Speaker 1: you have to detach from the outcome, support the intention,
Speaker 1: and help them recognize the choices they're making and the
Speaker 1: commitment that's required. But if they don't make it, baby,
Speaker 1: that's okay because you stay within the boundaries that have
Speaker 1: been given to you. So instead of being pissed off
Speaker 1: saying no, make a sign, make a sign. Get you
Speaker 1: some colored index cards and write no on those index cards.
Speaker 1: And after the third time, just hand them the card.
Speaker 1: Don't even look at them. Put the sign on the desks.
Speaker 1: Put this sign on the desk, and when they're talking,
Speaker 1: point to the sign. If they keep talking, give them
Speaker 1: another card. You can make pretty flowers on the know,
Speaker 1: put some food on there, put a dead rat on there.
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter. When they just hand them the card,
Speaker 1: don't even look at them, and then go on about
Speaker 1: your business.
Speaker 2: That's a crazy They come back again.
Speaker 1: Hold a sign up so you don't have to be involved.
Speaker 1: You're too involved. That's why you get pissed off. Attached
Speaker 1: to the outcome.
Speaker 4: I totally agree. I feel sometimes like I want it
Speaker 4: more than they do.
Speaker 1: You do want it more than they do because you
Speaker 1: understand the value of it. Yes, because they're young.
Speaker 4: Yeah, that totally makes sense. So I hold so much
Speaker 4: value and so much honor in the work that I do,
Speaker 4: and I think that you know, what I hear you
Speaker 4: saying is that I'm.
Speaker 2: Just too attached.
Speaker 1: Remember, a boundary sets the limits of movement or behavior.
Speaker 1: It's a construct that supports you in reaching a specific
Speaker 1: experience or goal or or destination. Yeah, And boundaries are
Speaker 1: also signs and symbols of self respect and respect for others.
Speaker 1: When you're honoring somebody's boundary, you're respecting what they say
Speaker 1: they need or what they've created to support their intention
Speaker 1: and what they're supporting their vision. But a lot of
Speaker 1: these young people haven't been taught self respect or respect
Speaker 1: of others. They just haven't been taught it. And if
Speaker 1: they turn on the news, they're not seeing it, and
Speaker 1: if they look at the videos, it's not there. So
Speaker 1: they're making stuff up along the way. So when you
Speaker 1: start talking to a person about who doesn't know have
Speaker 1: self respect, who doesn't think anybody else is entitled to respect,
Speaker 1: they don't understand how to follow prescribed expectations and limits
Speaker 1: on behavior because it's all about them, particularly the seventeen
Speaker 1: year olds. It's all about them. Everything's about them, make
Speaker 1: a sign, get a bunch of indicks, cards different colors,
Speaker 1: put some pitches on there. And the word no no
Speaker 1: doesn't support your intention, beloved, you're making the wrong choice.
Speaker 1: No no. My five year old great grandson when he
Speaker 1: wants to do certain things and I say, okay, what's
Speaker 1: your choice, because I've got to teach him because he's
Speaker 1: not seeing it in the world, Or when he does
Speaker 1: something and I say, why did you make that choice?
Speaker 1: And I don't teach him pun and you're bad and wrong.
Speaker 1: I teach this is a consequence. He knows that if
Speaker 1: he doesn't eat his broccoli, the consequence is no dessert. Sorry,
Speaker 1: I want you to have the ice cream sandwich. I do,
Speaker 1: I really do. That's why I bought him. But no broccoli,
Speaker 1: no ice cream, consequence not punishment. So no presentation, no graduation,
Speaker 1: not punishment, just a consequence.
Speaker 4: That's so perfect. No presentation, no graduation. I'm writing this down.
Speaker 3: And like for me to be one of your students
Speaker 3: in the Abundance Nation like that was just such an
Speaker 3: incredible delight. But to be able to speak to in person,
Speaker 3: I can't even express it in words.
Speaker 1: Well, I appreciate that you're open to the learning, open
Speaker 1: to the healing. You know you're a teacher, so that
Speaker 1: means you're on a lifelong learning line just like me.
Speaker 1: In order for me to teach, I'm always learning. I'm
Speaker 1: always taking another class another so that I have pure
Speaker 1: information to bring forward. So go get your index cards.
Speaker 1: Make your no sign. Make a nice no sign, laminated
Speaker 1: and just showing the sign. Yeah, don't support your intention. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And don't be attached to if they make the choice
Speaker 1: not to do it and you have to give them
Speaker 1: an f don't be attached to that. It's hurtfull, it's painful,
Speaker 1: but understand you want it more than you understand the
Speaker 1: value of it more than they do, because they're young
Speaker 1: and they have to learn. That's how they're gonna learn.
Speaker 1: I learned, you know, they're old saying women have sometimes
Speaker 1: you know, all men are dogs. But I learn that
Speaker 1: if I kept putting dog food out on the porch,
Speaker 1: the dogs were gonna come to eat it. I had
Speaker 1: to stop putting dog food on the porch. Okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: I means I had to look at me, not the dogs. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so now you can look at you detach, make your
Speaker 1: no sign, hold your boundaries and You'll be fine.
Speaker 4: Absolutely, Thank you.
Speaker 1: Okay, yes, all right, thank you for love it.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I just love you so much.
Speaker 1: I love you back.
Speaker 4: You have.
Speaker 1: Okay, bye?
Speaker 2: Fine, care fine.
Speaker 1: Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries, How do we keep ourselves safe? How
Speaker 1: do we keep other people safe? How do we do
Speaker 1: what is required? How do we support people in doing
Speaker 1: what they desire? Boundaries, But boundaries have other elements that
Speaker 1: both parties must align with. In order to have a
Speaker 1: boundary and hold a boundary, in order to honor a boundary,
Speaker 1: you must have commitment. You must make your choices. You
Speaker 1: must have integrity. That means you must be committed to
Speaker 1: what it is you say you want. That means you
Speaker 1: must make choices that honor where it is you say
Speaker 1: you're going. And you must be held accountable for your agreements,
Speaker 1: for your choices, for your commitments. And the only way
Speaker 1: to hold people accountable is to have clear consequences when
Speaker 1: a commitment is broken or a poor choice is made. Boundaries, Well, beloved,
Speaker 1: we have reached the end of the very first season
Speaker 1: of The R Spot. I want to thank Shondaland and
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio for providing me, providing us with this space and
Speaker 1: opportunity to discuss an area of life that affects us,
Speaker 1: all that area being relationships. Then I want to thank
Speaker 1: my guests. I want to thank I guess for their courage,
Speaker 1: their trust, and their willingness. Thank you for being willing
Speaker 1: to share your story, and thank you for trusting me
Speaker 1: with your story and most of all, for trusting me
Speaker 1: with your heart. I do not take it lightly, and
Speaker 1: I just want to acknowledge and thank you. Finally, to
Speaker 1: all of you who listen to The R Spot, thank you,
Speaker 1: Thank you for supporting this podcast. Thank you for honoring
Speaker 1: yourselves and this work. Thank you for making our first
Speaker 1: season so successful. And it is because of you that
Speaker 1: we will be back for season two. So, as my
Speaker 1: teacher once told me, listen for the drum and for
Speaker 1: the calling of the drum. That's how you'll know when
Speaker 1: we'll be back for season two. In the meantime, stay
Speaker 1: in peace in all of your relationships so that you
Speaker 1: don't find yourself in pieces. The R Spot is a
Speaker 1: production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more
Speaker 1: podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows,