WEBVTT - How to Feel More Loved 0:00:14.956 --> 0:00:15.396 Kushkin. 0:00:29.716 --> 0:00:32.396 Most people think to feel more loved, I need to 0:00:32.436 --> 0:00:34.876 change myself. I need to make myself more lovable, or 0:00:34.916 --> 0:00:36.436 I need to change the other person. I need to 0:00:36.476 --> 0:00:39.916 convince them to love me more. But it's actually not 0:00:40.276 --> 0:00:41.076 the right approach. 0:00:41.876 --> 0:00:44.556 Most of us wouldn't mind feeling a bit more loved 0:00:44.636 --> 0:00:48.516 and at least one of our relationships. Psychology professor Sonya 0:00:48.636 --> 0:00:53.156 Lubermirski is here to help. Drawing on decades of research, 0:00:53.396 --> 0:00:56.716 her new book puts the pieces together on how best 0:00:56.716 --> 0:00:57.236 to do this. 0:00:57.836 --> 0:01:00.316 You don't have to change yourself, you don't have to 0:01:00.396 --> 0:01:04.396 change the other person. You just have to change the conversation. 0:01:07.876 --> 0:01:11.436 On today's show by feeling more loved may be easier 0:01:11.476 --> 0:01:17.436 than you think. I'm Maya Shunker, a scientist who studies 0:01:17.476 --> 0:01:20.796 human behavior, and this is a slight change of plans, 0:01:21.236 --> 0:01:23.596 a show about who we are and who we become 0:01:23.876 --> 0:01:35.676 in the face of a big change. Sonya is a 0:01:35.716 --> 0:01:39.676 happiness scientist at UC Riverside. Her latest book, How to 0:01:39.756 --> 0:01:44.836 Feel Loved, is co written with relationship scientist Harry Reese. 0:01:44.956 --> 0:01:48.276 They define feeling loved as the experience of being truly 0:01:48.436 --> 0:01:51.676 seen and validated for who you are, which can come 0:01:51.716 --> 0:01:56.036 from any relationship, not just romantic ones. Sonya and I 0:01:56.156 --> 0:01:58.716 talked about how even small shifts in the way two 0:01:58.796 --> 0:02:02.796 people approach a conversation can have a transformative impact on 0:02:02.836 --> 0:02:05.956 how loved they each feel over time. Whether you want 0:02:05.996 --> 0:02:08.476 to feel more loved in your life, or you want 0:02:08.516 --> 0:02:11.596 to make someone else feel more loved, this episode is 0:02:11.636 --> 0:02:14.996 for you. I began by asking Sonia how she got 0:02:14.996 --> 0:02:16.836 interested in this work in the first place. 0:02:17.356 --> 0:02:19.596 I've been happiness scientists for thirty six and a half 0:02:19.676 --> 0:02:23.356 years now, and for most of those years, my lab 0:02:23.436 --> 0:02:25.876 and I have been doing what are called happiness interventions, 0:02:26.196 --> 0:02:29.116 which are basically clinical trials, but instead of testing a 0:02:29.156 --> 0:02:32.276 new vaccine, we're testing a happiness practice. 0:02:32.356 --> 0:02:34.156 So we randomly assign people. 0:02:34.276 --> 0:02:36.836 To write gratitude letters, or to count their blessings, or 0:02:36.876 --> 0:02:39.476 to do acts of kindness for others. And then, a 0:02:39.556 --> 0:02:42.436 number of years ago I realized that almost all of 0:02:42.476 --> 0:02:46.396 the interventions that work to make us happier, the reason 0:02:46.436 --> 0:02:48.916 they work is they make us feel more connected to 0:02:49.276 --> 0:02:50.636 and loved by others. 0:02:51.396 --> 0:02:52.116 Almost all of them. 0:02:52.156 --> 0:02:54.316 You can imagine, like, I don't know, if you're meditating 0:02:54.516 --> 0:02:57.116 or running on the beach, maybe it's not about feeling 0:02:57.236 --> 0:02:59.636 loved by others, although even those things often have to 0:02:59.636 --> 0:03:02.156 do with connection. But when I write a gratitude letter 0:03:02.196 --> 0:03:04.636 to my mom, it makes me feel more loved by her. 0:03:04.916 --> 0:03:06.876 When I do an act of kindness for my best friend, 0:03:06.876 --> 0:03:09.436 it makes me feel more loved or connected or close, sir. 0:03:09.956 --> 0:03:13.236 So that's why, after all these years, my latest book 0:03:13.316 --> 0:03:16.156 is called How to Feel Loved, because feeling loved is 0:03:16.196 --> 0:03:18.196 really the key to happiness, which I know sounds like 0:03:18.556 --> 0:03:21.356 a cliche, but when you think about it, almost all 0:03:21.916 --> 0:03:25.276 big ideas when you distill them, sound like cliches. 0:03:25.756 --> 0:03:28.396 Yeah, but I mean it feels so intuitively true to 0:03:28.436 --> 0:03:31.556 me to hear that. How did it feel like when you, 0:03:31.676 --> 0:03:34.836 sonia feel very loved by someone? How does it make 0:03:34.876 --> 0:03:37.596 you feel in your body? How would you describe that? 0:03:38.476 --> 0:03:40.916 We all have kind of a go to negative emotion, right, 0:03:41.076 --> 0:03:43.996 whether it's anger or anxiety or sadness. For me is anxiety. 0:03:44.076 --> 0:03:47.316 That's sort of my most common negative emotions. And when 0:03:47.316 --> 0:03:50.076 I feel really loved, I think that anxiety really goes 0:03:50.156 --> 0:03:53.196 down or is really like gone. It's like sort of 0:03:53.196 --> 0:03:56.116 this feeling of safety, of warmth. They're just kind of 0:03:56.116 --> 0:03:59.116 like just full of just something wonderful. It's like a 0:03:59.116 --> 0:03:59.756 cup of love. 0:04:00.276 --> 0:04:00.636 Yeah. 0:04:00.796 --> 0:04:01.476 Oh, I love that. 0:04:01.956 --> 0:04:04.036 You make a distinction early on in the book that 0:04:04.076 --> 0:04:07.156 I found super helpful as a reader, which is a 0:04:07.196 --> 0:04:12.156 distinction between being loved and feeling loved. Tell me more 0:04:12.236 --> 0:04:13.916 about the difference between those two. 0:04:14.636 --> 0:04:16.876 It was kind of a very important part of our book. 0:04:17.036 --> 0:04:20.436 An important starting point is that a lot of people 0:04:21.116 --> 0:04:24.276 are loved, but they don't feel loved. And Harry and 0:04:24.276 --> 0:04:27.356 I actually did a survey expressly for our book where 0:04:27.396 --> 0:04:31.476 we found that seventy percent reported wanting to feel more 0:04:31.516 --> 0:04:34.196 loved and at least one relationship in their lives, and 0:04:34.276 --> 0:04:37.636 forty percent said they wish they were they felt more 0:04:37.676 --> 0:04:41.156 loved by their romantic partner. I actually think those numbers 0:04:41.156 --> 0:04:44.556 are an understatement. I think most of us could identify 0:04:44.596 --> 0:04:46.556 at least one relationship or at least one point in 0:04:46.636 --> 0:04:49.516 time where we would like to feel more loved. 0:04:49.676 --> 0:04:54.596 And interestingly, those moments weren't always when we lacked people 0:04:54.636 --> 0:04:56.316 who've loved us. They might have had much more to 0:04:56.356 --> 0:04:57.436 do with our internal state. 0:04:57.596 --> 0:05:00.196 Yeah, so you can be loved, but for some reason, 0:05:00.236 --> 0:05:04.756 I think there's many reasons that it's somehow not getting internalized. 0:05:05.476 --> 0:05:07.916 Kind of like we all know people who are beautiful, 0:05:07.956 --> 0:05:10.436 but they don't feel beautiful. We know people who are smart, 0:05:10.716 --> 0:05:12.916 but they don't think they're smart. Right, So you can 0:05:13.196 --> 0:05:14.956 be loved and not feel loved. 0:05:15.076 --> 0:05:15.396 Yeah. 0:05:15.716 --> 0:05:18.716 I interviewed the former Surgeon General Vivig Morphy, who I 0:05:18.756 --> 0:05:21.556 know you also reference in your book about loneliness, and 0:05:21.996 --> 0:05:24.756 he also draws a similar distinction. Right, loneliness is a 0:05:24.796 --> 0:05:28.356 state of mind. You can be an isolation and not 0:05:28.396 --> 0:05:31.316 feel lonely at all. Likewise, you can be surrounded by 0:05:31.356 --> 0:05:33.676 your friends and still feel acute loneliness. 0:05:33.756 --> 0:05:37.636 Right, Absolutely, and we actually make I think moments of 0:05:37.676 --> 0:05:40.476 not feeling loved and moments of feeling lonely are very 0:05:40.676 --> 0:05:43.076 tightly linked. They're not exactly the same thing, but I 0:05:43.076 --> 0:05:45.996 think they're very very linked. When you don't feel loved, 0:05:46.316 --> 0:05:48.556 you feel lonely, or you feel like you don't belong. 0:05:48.756 --> 0:05:51.716 You can be surrounded by people and friends and family 0:05:51.756 --> 0:05:52.916 and still not feel loved. 0:05:53.276 --> 0:05:57.276 You know. I think we all intuitively understand why feeling 0:05:57.276 --> 0:05:59.876 loved is important, and that's because it just feels so 0:05:59.996 --> 0:06:02.356 damn good to feel loved, and it feels pretty bad 0:06:02.436 --> 0:06:06.836 to lack that love. From a biological perspective, though, what 0:06:07.076 --> 0:06:10.916 happens when we don't feel What are the consequences? There 0:06:10.956 --> 0:06:13.876 are so many challenges in the world right now that 0:06:13.956 --> 0:06:17.316 we could be focusing our energy on, and it's easy 0:06:17.396 --> 0:06:21.876 to overlook this feeling of being loved. It's easy to think, oh, 0:06:22.076 --> 0:06:24.876 that's a nice to have, that's a you know, cherry 0:06:24.916 --> 0:06:28.236 on top. It can't possibly be my priority. And I 0:06:28.236 --> 0:06:29.596 think you would argue that's not true. 0:06:29.836 --> 0:06:32.316 It feels like a luxury, right, a luxury luxury exactly, 0:06:32.356 --> 0:06:35.036 it's absolutely not a luxury because there's just so many 0:06:35.116 --> 0:06:37.396 kind of ripple effects that might happen if you don't 0:06:37.396 --> 0:06:41.556 feel loved. So I'm not a neuroscientist, but the brains 0:06:41.556 --> 0:06:43.796 that people who don't feel loved look differently from the 0:06:43.836 --> 0:06:47.036 brains who do. There's all kinds of adverse health effects 0:06:47.076 --> 0:06:48.956 if you don't feel loved. It's very similar actually to 0:06:49.156 --> 0:06:50.436 the research on un loneliness. 0:06:51.156 --> 0:06:54.836 What about the benefits of feeling loved? What well being 0:06:55.076 --> 0:06:57.076 outcomes do we tend to see for those folks. 0:06:57.876 --> 0:07:00.556 My colleagues and I have written papers on what happens 0:07:00.556 --> 0:07:03.796 when you're happier, and like, basically people who feel loved, 0:07:04.036 --> 0:07:07.356 who are happier, they're more successful in life. Right, They're healthier, 0:07:07.596 --> 0:07:11.396 their relationships are stronger, even like, they're even more successful 0:07:11.436 --> 0:07:14.276 in their careers. So it leads again to lots and 0:07:14.316 --> 0:07:16.636 lots of verbal effects because you know, as I said that, 0:07:16.676 --> 0:07:18.916 the reason I wrote this book is because I realized 0:07:19.356 --> 0:07:21.836 that feeling loved is the key to happiness, and happiness 0:07:21.876 --> 0:07:24.356 is related to all kinds of good things. 0:07:24.436 --> 0:07:24.556 Right. 0:07:24.556 --> 0:07:27.276 Happier people are more creative, they're more productive at work, 0:07:27.836 --> 0:07:31.396 they have stronger friendships, They're more likely to find someone 0:07:31.436 --> 0:07:34.316 who wants to marry them, they have less pain, they 0:07:34.436 --> 0:07:37.716 their immune systems are stronger, they recover faster from surgery. 0:07:37.796 --> 0:07:41.036 So all kinds of sort of benefits a crew to 0:07:41.116 --> 0:07:44.036 people who feel loved and who are happier as a result. 0:07:44.436 --> 0:07:47.396 Yeah, and one finding I thought was so relevant for 0:07:47.436 --> 0:07:50.156 the slight change of Plans audience is that feeling love 0:07:50.236 --> 0:07:53.356 can make you more resilient by reducing stress and helping 0:07:53.996 --> 0:07:55.836 you cope better with challenges. 0:07:56.436 --> 0:07:57.956 Absolutely, It's like, yeah, you can think of it as 0:07:57.956 --> 0:07:58.596 a resource. 0:07:58.796 --> 0:08:01.076 Right, It's like, when your cup of love is full, 0:08:01.756 --> 0:08:04.596 you're able to take on challenges when there's conflict, right, 0:08:04.636 --> 0:08:06.356 Like you're able to sort of handle it better. 0:08:07.436 --> 0:08:07.956 So yeah. 0:08:09.116 --> 0:08:11.996 But one of the findings that resonated a lot with 0:08:12.076 --> 0:08:16.476 me but might be somewhat surprising, is that many experiences 0:08:16.476 --> 0:08:20.196 of feeling loved occurred not in response to grand gestures, 0:08:20.836 --> 0:08:24.396 but two smaller, more everyday moments. What do you think 0:08:24.476 --> 0:08:26.516 is at play there? Why do you think we respond 0:08:26.556 --> 0:08:28.756 more to those every day smaller like oh, here's your 0:08:28.756 --> 0:08:30.436 favorite cup of coffee or right. 0:08:30.916 --> 0:08:32.916 What we found is that when you feel like someone 0:08:32.996 --> 0:08:35.476 really gets you, they realize you want that cup of 0:08:35.516 --> 0:08:37.836 coffee before you even asked for it, or before maybe 0:08:38.076 --> 0:08:42.116 you even realize you need it. It's very special. It's 0:08:42.156 --> 0:08:44.076 that those are the moments that you feel really loved. 0:08:44.076 --> 0:08:46.836 And it's interesting there's a parallel with happiness research, right, 0:08:46.916 --> 0:08:50.356 because happiness is also the biggest contributors to happiness. 0:08:50.356 --> 0:08:51.876 Aren't those big moments like. 0:08:51.916 --> 0:08:55.516 Yes, it's great to graduate from college or to get married, 0:08:55.676 --> 0:08:57.916 you know, to have or like suddenly you know, win 0:08:57.916 --> 0:09:01.836 the lottery, right, But it's really it's really the everyday 0:09:01.916 --> 0:09:05.156 moments that add up that aggregate to make you a 0:09:05.156 --> 0:09:07.756 happier person. And it's interesting that that there's that parallel 0:09:07.836 --> 0:09:10.556 with feeling loved as well as those like everyday moments 0:09:10.596 --> 0:09:14.156 where you feel understood, you feel valued, you feel cared for, 0:09:14.476 --> 0:09:15.116 you feel loved. 0:09:15.716 --> 0:09:20.036 I've heard you challenge the popular refrain that we must 0:09:20.116 --> 0:09:23.436 learn to love ourselves first before we can feel loved 0:09:23.436 --> 0:09:26.796 by others. So I know so many people who will 0:09:26.796 --> 0:09:28.756 say things like, well, I don't even want to start 0:09:28.796 --> 0:09:32.476 dating until I fully figured myself out right, until I 0:09:32.996 --> 0:09:35.156 feel one hundred percent comfortable with who I am. But 0:09:35.236 --> 0:09:39.316 you say, no, it's actually there's a bi directional relationship 0:09:39.396 --> 0:09:44.196 between feeling love for oneself and then feeling love by others, 0:09:44.236 --> 0:09:46.716 and they can lead to this virtuous cycle if you're 0:09:47.076 --> 0:09:49.516 engaging in these pursuits in parallel. So tell me a 0:09:49.516 --> 0:09:50.236 bit more about that. 0:09:50.956 --> 0:09:52.716 Yeah. Absolutely, I think that's such an important point, and 0:09:52.756 --> 0:09:55.236 I think I actually heard it first. I have to 0:09:55.236 --> 0:09:58.236 give credit from Esther Perell. I think she's actually I 0:09:58.276 --> 0:10:01.996 remember hearing she's one of my role models. In an interview, 0:10:01.996 --> 0:10:05.556 she was like, no, of course, it goes in both directions, Like, yes, 0:10:06.316 --> 0:10:08.316 when I love myself more, I think there is a 0:10:08.356 --> 0:10:11.156 lot that can happen that will make it easier for 0:10:11.196 --> 0:10:13.236 me to feel loved by others. But on the other hand, 0:10:13.636 --> 0:10:17.076 we learn to love ourselves in the context of relationships, 0:10:17.236 --> 0:10:20.236 you know. So, so it's also being in relationships that 0:10:20.316 --> 0:10:23.756 help us grow and love ourselves more so, it's it's 0:10:23.796 --> 0:10:25.916 a yeah, it's a biasing you said, it's a bi 0:10:25.996 --> 0:10:29.356 directional relationship. On the other hand, we actually spend quite 0:10:29.356 --> 0:10:31.636 a bit of time in our book talking about self 0:10:31.636 --> 0:10:34.956 love and self compassion and the importance of that, because 0:10:34.996 --> 0:10:36.716 if you don't love yourself, it is going to be 0:10:36.756 --> 0:10:39.116 a little bit hard. For example, if I don't truly 0:10:39.156 --> 0:10:42.036 love myself and you may are showing love to me, 0:10:42.876 --> 0:10:45.356 maybe I won't. I won't trust it, you know, maybe 0:10:45.436 --> 0:10:48.796 like I'll yeah, I'll be suspicious of it, you know, 0:10:48.836 --> 0:10:51.516 I won't find its genuine. So if I love myself, 0:10:51.796 --> 0:10:54.356 it's going to be easier for me to receive love 0:10:54.396 --> 0:10:56.876 from others. So of course there's truth to that, yes, 0:10:57.516 --> 0:10:59.036 but it doesn't only go in that one direction. 0:10:59.156 --> 0:11:01.796 Yeah, And I think this is so important to emphasize 0:11:01.836 --> 0:11:06.116 because one, it's elusive to ever feel like you've checked 0:11:06.116 --> 0:11:08.156 the box on self love. And so I don't want 0:11:08.196 --> 0:11:12.516 people waiting on implementing some of your advice until they 0:11:12.516 --> 0:11:16.676 get to that elusive north star. We are inherently social creatures, 0:11:16.716 --> 0:11:19.636 we're of course going to take signals about how lovable 0:11:19.676 --> 0:11:21.916 we actually are and how worthy we are from other 0:11:21.996 --> 0:11:24.716 humans and their love for us. And I think that's 0:11:24.756 --> 0:11:26.956 a very reasonable thing to do. We shouldn't be critical 0:11:26.956 --> 0:11:28.196 of that exactly. 0:11:28.236 --> 0:11:29.796 And also I don't even know what it means to 0:11:29.876 --> 0:11:33.116 check the box on self will right, Like, Okay, now 0:11:33.156 --> 0:11:33.556 I'm done. 0:11:33.876 --> 0:11:34.396 Yeah exactly. 0:11:34.436 --> 0:11:36.356 We're all involved there, Yeah. 0:11:36.356 --> 0:11:40.476 Exactly, We're all evolving and growing and developing all the time. Wonderful, 0:11:40.516 --> 0:11:41.556 we should keep doing that. 0:11:42.156 --> 0:11:44.396 Yeah. What do you think are some of the biggest 0:11:44.436 --> 0:11:47.196 mistakes people make when it comes to their need to 0:11:47.236 --> 0:11:50.396 feel loved, their desire desperation to feel loved. 0:11:50.796 --> 0:11:51.636 Yeah, it's interesting. 0:11:51.716 --> 0:11:54.836 So when we don't feel loved, I think we often think, well, 0:11:55.876 --> 0:11:58.076 I need to make myself more lovable, right, Like I 0:11:58.116 --> 0:11:59.876 need to change myself in some way. 0:12:00.756 --> 0:12:03.076 Maybe I need to make more money or become you know. 0:12:03.036 --> 0:12:06.876 The extrinsic goals the psychologists study that actually are not 0:12:07.196 --> 0:12:11.476 related to happiness or like money, fame, beauty, power, status, 0:12:11.876 --> 0:12:13.596 Those are the things that we think, like, if we 0:12:13.636 --> 0:12:15.596 had more of those than maybe I'll feel more loved. 0:12:15.596 --> 0:12:17.956 And then and then we think we need to again 0:12:17.956 --> 0:12:19.756 we need to sort of convince the other person that 0:12:20.196 --> 0:12:24.916 I'm wonderful, broadcast these positive qualities I have, and maybe 0:12:25.156 --> 0:12:28.556 hide my weaknesses and shortcomings because that person I want 0:12:28.556 --> 0:12:30.316 to feel more loved by. Let's say it's my child 0:12:30.396 --> 0:12:32.716 or my mom, or my best friend or my romantic partner, 0:12:32.996 --> 0:12:35.436 maybe they won't love us as much if they knew 0:12:35.596 --> 0:12:39.076 some of our weaknesses and sort of faults. It turns 0:12:39.076 --> 0:12:42.196 out that actually that's not the right way to approach it. 0:12:42.636 --> 0:12:45.316 You know, it's interesting when we meet someone, we tend 0:12:45.356 --> 0:12:47.436 to we want to impress them, right like, so like maya, 0:12:47.556 --> 0:12:49.036 like you know this is we know we don't know 0:12:49.076 --> 0:12:51.356 each other very well, right, so like I'm talking to you, 0:12:51.796 --> 0:12:53.516 and I want to impress you, right like, I want 0:12:53.596 --> 0:12:55.956 you to think that I'm interesting and smart and funny 0:12:56.036 --> 0:13:00.516 and cool and good, a good person and that. And 0:13:00.596 --> 0:13:03.156 I might succeed in impressing you by kind of showing 0:13:03.436 --> 0:13:06.036 these positive sides of me. But it's not going to 0:13:06.116 --> 0:13:08.316 forge a connection, right, It's not going to make you 0:13:08.476 --> 0:13:10.356 or me feel loved by each other. 0:13:10.476 --> 0:13:13.396 It's actually showing more of ourselves. 0:13:13.476 --> 0:13:16.836 Like being a little bit more vulnerable doesn't have to 0:13:16.836 --> 0:13:20.356 be sort of sharing our deepest secrets or traumas. But 0:13:20.636 --> 0:13:22.396 it's when we show more of ourselves that we feel 0:13:22.436 --> 0:13:26.036 we actually feel more loved, because if we don't, we'll 0:13:26.076 --> 0:13:29.476 always wonder like, would he or she love me if 0:13:29.476 --> 0:13:31.316 they knew the full meal? Me? 0:13:31.716 --> 0:13:34.196 Yeah, ye, me, Like we'll always wonder that. 0:13:35.836 --> 0:13:38.676 I mean, it feels so obvious to say, but you 0:13:38.716 --> 0:13:41.236 know it is striking. Like when you listen to wedding vows. 0:13:41.276 --> 0:13:44.196 When you listen to people pronounce their love for other people, 0:13:44.236 --> 0:13:48.196 they never say I love you because you appreciate all 0:13:48.196 --> 0:13:51.876 the wonderful qualities about me, my humor and my smile. 0:13:52.236 --> 0:13:55.676 They say, I love you and I love this relationship 0:13:55.716 --> 0:13:59.396 because you appreciate me despite my flaws, despite my quirks, 0:13:59.436 --> 0:14:02.316 despite all the annoying things about me that I've revealed 0:14:02.356 --> 0:14:06.436 to you over time. Right, that is where that connection exists. 0:14:06.556 --> 0:14:07.476 It's a great example. 0:14:07.916 --> 0:14:10.436 Someone told me a screenwriter or give them advice about writing, 0:14:10.476 --> 0:14:13.356 and they said, if you want to write a character 0:14:14.036 --> 0:14:17.276 who no one connects with, make them perfect. So if 0:14:17.316 --> 0:14:19.476 you want to create a character that no one connects with, 0:14:19.556 --> 0:14:21.796 make them perfect. Right, Because we don't connect with people 0:14:21.876 --> 0:14:24.556 who are like we only see their positive qualities if 0:14:24.556 --> 0:14:27.836 I were to summarize our book in kind of one sentence, 0:14:28.076 --> 0:14:31.916 one of them would be to feel loved, you need 0:14:31.956 --> 0:14:35.756 to be known and to truly know the other And 0:14:35.796 --> 0:14:37.876 so a lot of our recommendations are about how to 0:14:37.916 --> 0:14:41.516 do that. Most people think to feel more loved, I 0:14:41.556 --> 0:14:44.196 need to change myself. I need to make myself more lovable, 0:14:44.276 --> 0:14:45.756 or I need to change the other person. I need 0:14:45.756 --> 0:14:49.236 to convince them to love me more. But it's actually 0:14:49.316 --> 0:14:52.516 not the right approach. You don't have to change yourself, 0:14:52.796 --> 0:14:55.436 you don't have to change the other person. You just 0:14:55.516 --> 0:14:59.116 have to change the conversation. And when you think about it, 0:14:59.116 --> 0:15:02.676 a relationship is basically a series of conversations. You just 0:15:02.716 --> 0:15:04.476 start with the first conversation, and then you go to 0:15:04.516 --> 0:15:07.196 the second conversation. That seems much more under your control, 0:15:07.436 --> 0:15:09.516 right than trying to get the other person to love you. 0:15:13.156 --> 0:15:15.276 We'll be back in a moment with a slight change 0:15:15.276 --> 0:15:40.996 of plans. To start feeling more loved in our relationships, 0:15:41.476 --> 0:15:44.116 Sonia says we need to change the way we connect 0:15:44.116 --> 0:15:47.476 with others. She's come up with five strategies we can 0:15:47.556 --> 0:15:51.036 use to approach our conversations differently. The first is what 0:15:51.116 --> 0:15:53.356 she calls a sharing mindset. 0:15:53.476 --> 0:15:55.956 If the key to feeling loved is to be known, 0:15:56.916 --> 0:15:59.636 then sharing is really important. So when you ask me, 0:15:59.676 --> 0:16:02.596 how are you, sonya, instead of saying fine, which is 0:16:02.636 --> 0:16:05.276 what I probably do for ninety five percent of the time, 0:16:05.716 --> 0:16:07.556 I might say, oh, you know, I had a kind 0:16:07.556 --> 0:16:10.236 of a rough morning this morning. But it doesn't assuven 0:16:10.316 --> 0:16:13.356 negative even I mean, sharing could be I'm sharing my 0:16:13.436 --> 0:16:15.876 sort of true opinion about something and I'm not even 0:16:15.916 --> 0:16:18.076 sure you share that opinion, right, but I'm willing to 0:16:18.276 --> 0:16:20.796 put it out there. It also means asking the right 0:16:20.876 --> 0:16:23.396 questions because it's not just about me sharing and about 0:16:23.396 --> 0:16:24.836 the other person sharing as well. 0:16:25.236 --> 0:16:26.756 Just yesterday actually a friend was. 0:16:26.756 --> 0:16:28.236 Reading my book and she's like, well, what are the 0:16:28.316 --> 0:16:30.836 questions that I could ask to get people to share? 0:16:31.236 --> 0:16:33.036 And I think we all have our own, you know, 0:16:33.076 --> 0:16:33.756 we can come up with. 0:16:33.956 --> 0:16:36.516 But one of them, one of my favorites is, you know, 0:16:36.516 --> 0:16:38.796 what's been on your mind a lot lately? You know, 0:16:38.836 --> 0:16:40.676 what are you thinking a lot? You know, when you're 0:16:40.676 --> 0:16:42.036 going to sleep, when you wake up in the morning, 0:16:42.116 --> 0:16:44.436 what is on your mind? Because people can choose how 0:16:44.476 --> 0:16:47.396 to answer that, right. You can go really deep, or 0:16:47.436 --> 0:16:49.236 you can go you know, medium. 0:16:49.396 --> 0:16:53.236 Yeah, when you embrace a sharing mindset and you open 0:16:53.276 --> 0:16:58.996 yourself up to this transparency and emotional intimacy, you also 0:16:59.036 --> 0:17:01.436 say that it can actually help, whether it can help 0:17:01.476 --> 0:17:04.076 you as a unit, whether it's a friendship or a 0:17:04.076 --> 0:17:08.996 parent child dynamic, or a romantic relationship, whether conflict and 0:17:09.396 --> 0:17:13.436 change and turmoil. When there is that kind of sharing 0:17:13.516 --> 0:17:17.916 and transparency, it helps people understand, oh, look, I don't 0:17:17.956 --> 0:17:20.316 actually have to be perfect to be worthy of love 0:17:20.316 --> 0:17:24.076 in this relationship. And so it lets people's guards down. 0:17:24.156 --> 0:17:26.876 They don't need to be as prideful as stubborn. Maybe 0:17:26.876 --> 0:17:29.076 in their point of view, they're more willing to concede 0:17:29.196 --> 0:17:32.116 right and say, yeah, actually I did kind of err 0:17:32.156 --> 0:17:34.276 in this way, but that's not going to threaten the 0:17:34.316 --> 0:17:35.476 foundation of this relationship. 0:17:35.556 --> 0:17:36.396 Yeah, exactly, exactly. 0:17:36.476 --> 0:17:36.636 Yeah. 0:17:36.676 --> 0:17:38.956 Yeah, So when you're when you're sharing with each other 0:17:39.076 --> 0:17:42.716 and you you you see that both of you, right 0:17:42.796 --> 0:17:45.556 have strength and weaknesses, and then you don't feel like, 0:17:45.876 --> 0:17:48.156 oh my god, like this the relationship is going to end, 0:17:48.276 --> 0:17:50.596 you know, because the person is going to see that 0:17:50.676 --> 0:17:53.316 I'm weak or that I have this fault. And then 0:17:53.916 --> 0:17:55.236 what that means is it gives you sort of a 0:17:55.316 --> 0:17:57.556 sense of self confidence. Right, So when there's a when 0:17:57.556 --> 0:18:01.516 there's a conflict, then you're you're more ready and willing 0:18:01.596 --> 0:18:03.436 to sort of admit say that you've made a mistake. 0:18:03.556 --> 0:18:05.476 Right. Yeah. And it's not just the feeling of oh, 0:18:05.516 --> 0:18:07.316 I'm not going to be weak, it's the love in 0:18:07.356 --> 0:18:11.076 this relationship is not fully un threat. I can reveal 0:18:11.156 --> 0:18:13.836 that I'm aired in some way and the person will 0:18:13.876 --> 0:18:16.156 still love me. I'll still feel loved by them. So capable, 0:18:16.196 --> 0:18:20.076 in fact, maybe more because I revealed this weakness. The 0:18:20.156 --> 0:18:24.036 second mindset shift that you encourage us to embrace is 0:18:24.076 --> 0:18:27.476 a listening to learn mindset. So you say, look, oftentimes 0:18:27.476 --> 0:18:31.596 in conversation, we're not really listening. We're preparing our next 0:18:31.636 --> 0:18:35.356 answer or our next question. Right, So tell me more 0:18:35.436 --> 0:18:39.476 about exactly what it looks like when you listen to learn. 0:18:40.676 --> 0:18:42.516 It's so interesting. So most of us are not very 0:18:42.516 --> 0:18:42.996 good listeners. 0:18:43.036 --> 0:18:45.156 Actually, I was just reading some surveys that showed that 0:18:45.716 --> 0:18:48.196 most most people think they're good listeners, but they think 0:18:48.236 --> 0:18:49.476 other people are bad listeners. 0:18:50.396 --> 0:18:51.356 Oh my gosh, that's fun. 0:18:51.396 --> 0:18:54.876 And also another survey that found that our minds are 0:18:54.996 --> 0:18:57.796 wandering at least twenty five percent of the time when 0:18:57.836 --> 0:19:00.556 we're listening, right, So that's a quarter of the time, 0:19:00.596 --> 0:19:02.916 and I think that's maybe it's even more. I mean, 0:19:02.996 --> 0:19:03.996 maybe that's what the survey found. 0:19:04.036 --> 0:19:06.236 Sorry, so I'm just kidding, dad joke. 0:19:07.756 --> 0:19:10.116 So most of us are not very good listeners, myself included, 0:19:10.196 --> 0:19:13.796 because and actually my theory is our whole life, our 0:19:13.836 --> 0:19:18.396 whole schooling, right, we're taught to like listen to respond, 0:19:18.596 --> 0:19:20.636 you know, like like the teachers say something and they 0:19:20.676 --> 0:19:22.596 might call on us at any moment, or the professor 0:19:22.676 --> 0:19:25.316 in college or our parents, and we need to have 0:19:25.356 --> 0:19:26.596 sort of an answer ready. 0:19:27.196 --> 0:19:28.596 And so that's actually like the. 0:19:28.596 --> 0:19:30.876 Sort of epiphany I had recently that maybe that's why 0:19:31.316 --> 0:19:34.716 we're usually listening to respond instead of what we call 0:19:35.036 --> 0:19:38.476 listening to learn, which is really like ideally. 0:19:38.076 --> 0:19:38.796 Should be our goal. 0:19:38.836 --> 0:19:42.236 So instead of mentally rehearsing our answer or the next 0:19:42.236 --> 0:19:44.556 thing we want to say or this is our story, 0:19:46.036 --> 0:19:50.316 we are just truly listening to learn. And the best example, 0:19:50.356 --> 0:19:52.276 i mean, the best kind of like metaphor that someone 0:19:52.356 --> 0:19:56.956 gave me recently was treat the other person talking as 0:19:57.036 --> 0:20:00.076 though you're watching a film. So when you're watching a movie, 0:20:00.676 --> 0:20:03.236 you're not like formulating a response, right, You're just like 0:20:03.396 --> 0:20:05.676 taking it in, So, Maya, when you're talking, if I 0:20:05.756 --> 0:20:07.716 just think of it as like I'm watching a film, 0:20:07.716 --> 0:20:10.996