1 00:00:05,720 --> 00:00:08,959 Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,360 --> 00:00:11,680 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:15,200 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:23,040 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:27,360 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, Thank 6 00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:31,240 Speaker 1: you so much for joining me for another episode. This 7 00:00:31,320 --> 00:00:34,720 Speaker 1: topic has been on my mind for some time, and 8 00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:39,240 Speaker 1: I honestly think it's mandatory information, mandatory learning for those 9 00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:41,120 Speaker 1: of us in our twenties, as I'm sure many of 10 00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:44,199 Speaker 1: you are, And of course, with the holiday season and 11 00:00:44,280 --> 00:00:47,519 Speaker 1: New Years around the corner, I thought this just might 12 00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:51,640 Speaker 1: be the best time to have a really deep conversation 13 00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:55,800 Speaker 1: about personal and emotional boundaries. I think this time of 14 00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:59,480 Speaker 1: the year is super important for us to reflect on 15 00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:03,040 Speaker 1: what it is is about our lives, about our relationships 16 00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:04,840 Speaker 1: that we want to improve, and how it is that 17 00:01:04,880 --> 00:01:08,720 Speaker 1: we want to treat ourselves and more importantly, how it 18 00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:10,480 Speaker 1: is that we want others to treat us as well. 19 00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:13,160 Speaker 1: And of course, I think many of us are traveling 20 00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:16,120 Speaker 1: home to see our families. I think it's such a 21 00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:19,880 Speaker 1: great time to talk about boundaries, especially with family members, 22 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:24,640 Speaker 1: especially with distant relatives. All of those things. So today 23 00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:28,680 Speaker 1: we are going to break down the psychology behind how 24 00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:33,520 Speaker 1: we can establish sustainable and realistic boundaries in our twenties. 25 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:37,080 Speaker 1: I think that term, I think the idea of a boundary. 26 00:01:37,080 --> 00:01:41,360 Speaker 1: The concept of boundaries is talked about so much in 27 00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:46,840 Speaker 1: psychology and self improvement, but often the true meaning of 28 00:01:46,880 --> 00:01:50,200 Speaker 1: what it means is not always clear, or the idea 29 00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:54,240 Speaker 1: of what a boundary is is sometimes warped into something 30 00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:59,040 Speaker 1: entirely different to its true meaning. Boundaries are meant to 31 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:02,680 Speaker 1: keep us safe, meant to keep us secure, and they 32 00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:06,560 Speaker 1: help us improve our relationships, not just with others but 33 00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:10,320 Speaker 1: with ourselves. So in this episode, I really want to 34 00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:15,480 Speaker 1: dispel some of that ambiguity about what exactly boundaries are. 35 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:19,440 Speaker 1: We're going to talk about the equation and the makeup 36 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:23,079 Speaker 1: of a healthy boundary, why we need boundaries to flourish 37 00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:26,880 Speaker 1: in our lives, how to set boundaries, the consequences of 38 00:02:26,919 --> 00:02:31,400 Speaker 1: not having them, and finally, what do we do when, 39 00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:34,320 Speaker 1: no matter how how we try, someone keeps it violating 40 00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:38,760 Speaker 1: those expectations we have for them and those expectations about 41 00:02:38,760 --> 00:02:42,000 Speaker 1: how we want to be treated. So so much valuable 42 00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:48,160 Speaker 1: content and so many incredible findings and tips from psychology 43 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:51,760 Speaker 1: in this episode. I know boundary setting is definitely something 44 00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:55,880 Speaker 1: I've had to learn in twenty twenty two, and maybe 45 00:02:55,960 --> 00:03:00,120 Speaker 1: it's something that you are also working on. So I 46 00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:04,000 Speaker 1: think it's absolutely so valuable. You know, we cannot give 47 00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:08,160 Speaker 1: people unlimited access to us, we can't let people walk 48 00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:11,799 Speaker 1: all over us or sacrifice our own well being for others, 49 00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:16,480 Speaker 1: and our twenties are this absolutely crucial, crucial time to 50 00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:19,680 Speaker 1: really start establishing how we want people to treat us, 51 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,720 Speaker 1: and not only that, but how we can teach people 52 00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:27,040 Speaker 1: how to treat us through realistic and healthy boundary setting. 53 00:03:27,639 --> 00:03:31,080 Speaker 1: So I'm very excited for this episode. The research was 54 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:34,200 Speaker 1: so fascinating and I know that I learned a lot, 55 00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:37,840 Speaker 1: so I hope that you will too. And without further ado, 56 00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:43,000 Speaker 1: let's talk boundaries. What are they, why do we need them, 57 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:50,360 Speaker 1: and how to stick to them? So let's start at 58 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:55,400 Speaker 1: the very beginning and understand what exactly is a boundary. 59 00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:59,480 Speaker 1: This term has become such a huge part of the 60 00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:04,440 Speaker 1: psycho babble in recent years, especially in terms of the 61 00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:08,160 Speaker 1: expectations and the guidelines that we set for our families, 62 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:11,680 Speaker 1: our partners, our friends. I think it's fantastic that we 63 00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:15,200 Speaker 1: have become so much better at being aware of what 64 00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:18,000 Speaker 1: we need in our lives, and that we've also become 65 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:21,120 Speaker 1: equipped with the language to kind of stand up for 66 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:26,640 Speaker 1: ourselves and establish agency over our most important relationships. One 67 00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:28,800 Speaker 1: of my friends told me this the other day. She 68 00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:32,560 Speaker 1: has I think a sister who's in primary school, and 69 00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:36,000 Speaker 1: it's even become part of some of our early childhood curriculum, 70 00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:39,000 Speaker 1: teaching kids about boundaries, and I think that is so 71 00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:43,279 Speaker 1: special and so amazing to be teaching children from a 72 00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:46,240 Speaker 1: really early age how to decide and determine how they 73 00:04:46,279 --> 00:04:49,960 Speaker 1: want to be treated. I think that's fantastic. So boundaries 74 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:54,600 Speaker 1: are essentially rules or limits that a person decides upon 75 00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:58,080 Speaker 1: in order to create a reasonable, a safe, a secure 76 00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:03,720 Speaker 1: environment for themselves, particularly in terms of their relationships. So boundaries, 77 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:09,880 Speaker 1: they are essentially emotional, physical, mental, even financial limits that 78 00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:12,400 Speaker 1: we don't want the people in our lives to cross, 79 00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:17,200 Speaker 1: and they are so crucial for establishing healthy relationships, because 80 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:21,440 Speaker 1: if we let people cross into a terrain or an 81 00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:24,640 Speaker 1: area of our lives, or overstep how we deserve to 82 00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:29,599 Speaker 1: be treated, we can be left feeling really offended, really 83 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:32,960 Speaker 1: hurt and upset. And that's not how we want to feel. 84 00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:36,680 Speaker 1: I think it's also a disservice to our relationships if 85 00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:39,960 Speaker 1: we don't establish boundaries within them, because it can result 86 00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:44,280 Speaker 1: in a lot of built up, long term, unresolved resentment. 87 00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:49,280 Speaker 1: It's important to note here that boundaries, they are essentially 88 00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:52,400 Speaker 1: a really critical way that we're able to take charge 89 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:56,360 Speaker 1: of our own happiness because people are going to treat 90 00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:59,839 Speaker 1: us the way that we allow them to, right. I think, genuinely, 91 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:03,280 Speaker 1: the people we surround ourselves with, I would hope are 92 00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:06,359 Speaker 1: really good people, but they're often treating you in the 93 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:09,040 Speaker 1: way that they would like to be treated and how 94 00:06:09,080 --> 00:06:11,960 Speaker 1: they expect to be treated. And of course they're just 95 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:16,640 Speaker 1: applying their own internal perspective to your behaviors and interactions. 96 00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:20,760 Speaker 1: You know, for example, maybe one of your friends is 97 00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:24,440 Speaker 1: really good at instantly replying to messages. You know, they're 98 00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:27,919 Speaker 1: always on their phone, so they have no problem getting 99 00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:32,040 Speaker 1: back to you asap. So when they message you, they 100 00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:35,520 Speaker 1: expect the same thing back and maybe they become upset 101 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:38,000 Speaker 1: or they feel neglected when you don't do that. But 102 00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:42,240 Speaker 1: for you, right you might need time away from technology, 103 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:46,479 Speaker 1: or you just might feel really overwhelmed with replying as 104 00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:49,200 Speaker 1: soon as you see a message, you know it might 105 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:51,039 Speaker 1: just be that you're busy and you don't have time 106 00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:54,440 Speaker 1: to get to it. So by recognizing that and having 107 00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:57,240 Speaker 1: this boundary that you know, hey, I'm not going to 108 00:06:57,320 --> 00:06:59,120 Speaker 1: reply instantly, I'm not going to be able to get 109 00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:01,600 Speaker 1: back to you as soon as possible, and having an 110 00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:05,200 Speaker 1: open conversation about this, about how much time, how much 111 00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:08,680 Speaker 1: energy you can give that friend, you allow yourselves to 112 00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:13,240 Speaker 1: have a more open and a more respectful relationship with 113 00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:18,400 Speaker 1: each other without having those undue pressure or expectations. Obviously, 114 00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:21,800 Speaker 1: that's a pretty small boundary, right, It's a pretty negligent boundary. 115 00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:24,960 Speaker 1: When we think about other ones, like sexual boundaries or 116 00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:28,160 Speaker 1: physical boundaries, it can get a lot more complicated. But 117 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:32,720 Speaker 1: it can also get a lot more I wouldn't say significant, 118 00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:36,480 Speaker 1: but important to really understand what you need and what 119 00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:39,240 Speaker 1: you require from someone else, and what your kind of 120 00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:43,320 Speaker 1: deal breakers are, what your nogo zones are. One of 121 00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:47,120 Speaker 1: the big realizations I think I had when I first 122 00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:50,400 Speaker 1: really began thinking about boundaries a little bit more, and 123 00:07:50,440 --> 00:07:54,560 Speaker 1: I guess maturing as a person overrule is that people 124 00:07:54,680 --> 00:08:00,080 Speaker 1: cannot read your mind and they are not automatically going 125 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:02,960 Speaker 1: to know exactly what you need and what you expect. 126 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:07,000 Speaker 1: That is kind of your duty. It's kind of your 127 00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:10,680 Speaker 1: duty to discover that about yourself, and it's also your 128 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:15,280 Speaker 1: responsibility to make that known. Boundaries are also super important 129 00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:21,240 Speaker 1: because they help define your sense of self by separating 130 00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:27,320 Speaker 1: your needs and desires from others. I think this is 131 00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:30,680 Speaker 1: really common in our twenties, especially for those of us 132 00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:34,160 Speaker 1: who are like serial people pleasers. It's really common to 133 00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:39,440 Speaker 1: find that our needs are subsumed by those of others, 134 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:43,439 Speaker 1: and we almost place what we want as less important 135 00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:47,160 Speaker 1: to what others want from us. I don't think that's 136 00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:50,439 Speaker 1: anyone's fault, right, That's not your fault, it's not their 137 00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:54,600 Speaker 1: fault either. In most cases, people are just meeting you 138 00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:59,080 Speaker 1: where you are prepared to meet them, and I think 139 00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:02,960 Speaker 1: that's where boundaries come in, right, because people you know 140 00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:05,480 Speaker 1: are going to take as much as you give. Of course, 141 00:09:05,559 --> 00:09:08,760 Speaker 1: there are obviously a lot of instances in which people 142 00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:12,640 Speaker 1: are actively manipulative or prepared to push us further than 143 00:09:12,679 --> 00:09:15,040 Speaker 1: we would like to go, in which case I would 144 00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:18,360 Speaker 1: say boundaries are more important. But in general, when we 145 00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:23,520 Speaker 1: set boundaries early and intentionally, we can avoid some of 146 00:09:23,559 --> 00:09:28,240 Speaker 1: those consequences of feeling like someone's taking advantage of us 147 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,840 Speaker 1: or treating us in a way that we don't want 148 00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:34,760 Speaker 1: to be treated, either wittingly or unwittingly. I think this 149 00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:37,640 Speaker 1: is a great time to jump into the different types 150 00:09:37,679 --> 00:09:42,200 Speaker 1: of boundaries and some of the examples. I think the 151 00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:46,960 Speaker 1: boundaries with our closest relationships. You know, our partners, our parents, 152 00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:51,240 Speaker 1: our siblings, our friends. They're often the ones that receive 153 00:09:51,559 --> 00:09:54,160 Speaker 1: the most attention, and for a good reason, right, for 154 00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:58,040 Speaker 1: a very good reason. These are the people that we're 155 00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:01,080 Speaker 1: closest to, who we give the most too and know 156 00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:04,640 Speaker 1: us the best. But they're also the people who have 157 00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:08,040 Speaker 1: the most access to our lives, and with that comes 158 00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:12,359 Speaker 1: the greatest ability to impact us. So setting clear expectations 159 00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:15,560 Speaker 1: and boundaries in these relationships, I think it is really 160 00:10:15,559 --> 00:10:18,680 Speaker 1: crucial for our well being in all domains of our lives. 161 00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:24,400 Speaker 1: There are generally around seven different types of boundaries that 162 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:27,200 Speaker 1: I think that we would often think of, so almost 163 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:31,760 Speaker 1: seven different categories. The first I think is physical, a 164 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:36,200 Speaker 1: physical boundary, and this often relates to our personal space 165 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:40,160 Speaker 1: and our physical space. For example, you might not like 166 00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:44,439 Speaker 1: it when people touch you without asking or enter into 167 00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:47,839 Speaker 1: your personal space, it makes you feel uncomfortable. It also 168 00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:51,560 Speaker 1: may be about how people treat your physical space or 169 00:10:51,559 --> 00:10:54,920 Speaker 1: your environment and wanting that to be protected, Like you 170 00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:57,240 Speaker 1: don't want people to drink in your house or bring 171 00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:00,920 Speaker 1: drugs into your space, or leave their rubbish an that's 172 00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:05,839 Speaker 1: a physical boundary. That's you making a decision about how 173 00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:09,320 Speaker 1: you want your physical environment to feel, like how you 174 00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:12,920 Speaker 1: want your physical space to be respected. I used to 175 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:15,520 Speaker 1: live in the share house when I was in Canberra 176 00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:19,640 Speaker 1: and we have this friend who would always come over 177 00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:22,520 Speaker 1: and he would always bring like takeaway food with them. 178 00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:26,880 Speaker 1: I swear like every time this person left, they would 179 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:29,840 Speaker 1: just leave their rubbish all around the kitchen and the 180 00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:33,600 Speaker 1: dining room. And let me tell you, that annoyed me 181 00:11:34,679 --> 00:11:38,640 Speaker 1: so much because I like a contained a mess or 182 00:11:38,679 --> 00:11:42,800 Speaker 1: no mess at all. So I definitely established a boundary 183 00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:45,199 Speaker 1: there and was like, you cannot leave your mess around 184 00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:48,640 Speaker 1: my house, please and thank you. And I think establishing 185 00:11:48,679 --> 00:11:52,440 Speaker 1: a boundary around how you like your personal space and 186 00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:57,319 Speaker 1: your environment to be protected is super valid. It's so valid. 187 00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:01,280 Speaker 1: Sexual boundaries are also one that I think gets a 188 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:04,640 Speaker 1: lot of attention for all the right reasons, and these 189 00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:09,320 Speaker 1: kind of boundaries they essentially protect your right to consent, 190 00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:13,800 Speaker 1: to ask for what you like, and to be honest 191 00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:17,679 Speaker 1: about your partner and honest with your partner about things 192 00:12:17,679 --> 00:12:22,800 Speaker 1: like their sexual history, their preferences, things like that, And 193 00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:26,920 Speaker 1: they define what kind of sexual touch or intimacy you want, 194 00:12:27,559 --> 00:12:32,600 Speaker 1: how often, when, where, and with whom. I think, for example, 195 00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:36,320 Speaker 1: a sexual boundary maybe that you don't want to have 196 00:12:36,559 --> 00:12:39,720 Speaker 1: sex when you're drunk or be treated in a certain 197 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:42,800 Speaker 1: way when you're with someone. Once again, so valid, and 198 00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:47,960 Speaker 1: I think sexual boundaries in particular, I wasn't I was 199 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:51,280 Speaker 1: about to say, like, sexual boundaries need to be ultimately respected, 200 00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:55,160 Speaker 1: but all boundaries do, sexual boundaries amongst them. But I 201 00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:57,480 Speaker 1: think that they can be something that's really difficult to 202 00:12:57,679 --> 00:13:01,600 Speaker 1: sometimes have a conversation about. I don't think that we 203 00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:05,320 Speaker 1: as a society are very good at having conversations about 204 00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:10,080 Speaker 1: sex and having conversations about the boundaries that exist around 205 00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:14,079 Speaker 1: sexual intimacy. I feel like that's a whole other episode. 206 00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:19,199 Speaker 1: But the next kind of boundary is emotional and mental boundaries. Obviously, 207 00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:22,720 Speaker 1: I think all boundaries are created equal, but this one 208 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:26,160 Speaker 1: has a particular, I don't know, a particular space in 209 00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:29,280 Speaker 1: my heart, and I think is often what we think 210 00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:33,360 Speaker 1: about when we talk about boundaries. Your emotional and your 211 00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:38,199 Speaker 1: mental boundaries. They protect your right to have your feelings 212 00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:42,280 Speaker 1: respected and to hold your own beliefs about the world, 213 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:47,240 Speaker 1: with the caveat that those beliefs aren't obviously hurtful or 214 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:51,720 Speaker 1: reduce someone else's worth, Like I mean, you can't be 215 00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:53,960 Speaker 1: like I have an emotional boundary that I'm allowed to 216 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,960 Speaker 1: be sexist or racist. No, no, that's not how it works, right. 217 00:13:57,360 --> 00:14:01,080 Speaker 1: It's more so like being able to say that you 218 00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:03,520 Speaker 1: don't feel like sharing something or you don't want to 219 00:14:03,559 --> 00:14:08,240 Speaker 1: discuss a particular topic that's harmful to you, or standing 220 00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:10,640 Speaker 1: up for yourself when someone belittles you or speaks you 221 00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:14,320 Speaker 1: in a certain way, criticizes your decisions, or how you look. 222 00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:18,880 Speaker 1: These are things that are related to how you feel 223 00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:25,120 Speaker 1: mentally and emotionally when you're around others. Spiritual boundaries was 224 00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:28,440 Speaker 1: one that I found really interesting. Actually, I am not 225 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:33,440 Speaker 1: a very spiritual or religious person anymore. That used to 226 00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:35,560 Speaker 1: be quite that used to be the case, but not 227 00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:40,800 Speaker 1: anymore so. I had never really thought about how religion 228 00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:45,800 Speaker 1: and spirituality could be involved in boundary setting. But spiritual boundaries, 229 00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:49,480 Speaker 1: essentially they protect your right to believe what you would 230 00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:53,400 Speaker 1: like about the world and practice your own spiritual beliefs. 231 00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:58,680 Speaker 1: For example, a spiritual or religious boundary maybe that you 232 00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:02,800 Speaker 1: would like, you know, dedicated five minute break throughout the 233 00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:06,200 Speaker 1: work day to pray, or time out of the week 234 00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:09,480 Speaker 1: to go to church or synagogue or a mosque, even if, 235 00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:12,800 Speaker 1: for example, your partner doesn't share that belief. It's a 236 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:18,120 Speaker 1: boundary that allows you to have access to your spiritual 237 00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:21,160 Speaker 1: life and the spiritual side of your life without feeling 238 00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:24,440 Speaker 1: like it's being compromised by someone else. And it goes 239 00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:27,040 Speaker 1: the other way right, Like it may be that you 240 00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:29,560 Speaker 1: don't want to discuss religion with your family because it 241 00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:33,080 Speaker 1: gets heated and it's unproductive. That's also a boundary that 242 00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:35,760 Speaker 1: you were allowed to set. Maybe it's one that you're 243 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:38,920 Speaker 1: thinking about as we approach the Christmas in the holiday season. 244 00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:44,040 Speaker 1: Financial boundaries, this is an interesting one. They really concern 245 00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:47,760 Speaker 1: how you would like to treat and use your financial 246 00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:52,240 Speaker 1: resources as well as your possessions. You know, things like 247 00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:55,840 Speaker 1: please don't borrow my car without asking, or being able 248 00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:59,960 Speaker 1: to ask your friends to choose a cheaper restaurant because 249 00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:02,880 Speaker 1: you're saving I did a whole episode on this. Actually, 250 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:06,760 Speaker 1: I think it's called financial anxiety and money in your 251 00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:09,920 Speaker 1: twenties that I think is so valuable for us in 252 00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:14,640 Speaker 1: our twenties, especially when people are making super different amounts 253 00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:16,840 Speaker 1: of money. You know, I have friends who are still 254 00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:22,320 Speaker 1: at UNI or job hunting whilst others are working jobs 255 00:16:22,320 --> 00:16:25,120 Speaker 1: with like crazy salaries, and I think we should all 256 00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:28,920 Speaker 1: be able to enjoy our time together without feeling like 257 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:34,320 Speaker 1: our financial boundaries are being crossed, and that the people 258 00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:38,080 Speaker 1: who are closest to us are respectful of our financial situation. 259 00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:41,080 Speaker 1: So yeah, financial boundaries can be things like, oh, I 260 00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:45,600 Speaker 1: actually am not prepared to spend crazy amounts of money 261 00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:49,440 Speaker 1: on like shared birthday gifts, and hopefully the people around 262 00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:53,880 Speaker 1: you are really respectful of that. Time boundaries, time boundaries, 263 00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:55,800 Speaker 1: I find these so interesting. I think I've said that 264 00:16:55,840 --> 00:17:00,200 Speaker 1: about every single one, but time boundaries. Often we put 265 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:02,280 Speaker 1: these in place to protect how we want to spend 266 00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:04,960 Speaker 1: the hours in our day and also how we want 267 00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:09,119 Speaker 1: to spend our energy. They protect you from agreeing to 268 00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:11,800 Speaker 1: do things that you don't want to do, from having 269 00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:15,920 Speaker 1: people waste your time, from feeling overworked. My full time 270 00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:19,359 Speaker 1: workers who are listening, I feel like this one is 271 00:17:19,359 --> 00:17:22,600 Speaker 1: a huge one if you found yourself in your first 272 00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:27,560 Speaker 1: full time nine to five job, establishing time boundaries around 273 00:17:28,359 --> 00:17:31,800 Speaker 1: my free time, my personal time. It's something I'm so 274 00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:34,960 Speaker 1: bad at. I am terrible at doing this to the 275 00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:38,880 Speaker 1: point where I can be super burnt out, and I'm 276 00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:42,840 Speaker 1: still not able to set that limit for myself. I'm 277 00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:45,800 Speaker 1: still not able to communicate that to other people and 278 00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:47,760 Speaker 1: be like, hey, no, I have a boundary around this, 279 00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:50,840 Speaker 1: you know, for example, being able to say that you 280 00:17:51,119 --> 00:17:55,840 Speaker 1: reserve you time in the evenings or time to be social, 281 00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:59,040 Speaker 1: or that you can't spend you know, a whole day 282 00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:01,320 Speaker 1: with one of your friends. I think it's also an 283 00:18:01,359 --> 00:18:04,480 Speaker 1: important one with Christmas and the holidays coming up, to 284 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:06,960 Speaker 1: be able to set a boundary with your family even 285 00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:09,679 Speaker 1: and say, you know, I can't spend every day with 286 00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:12,960 Speaker 1: you over the holidays because you know, I want time 287 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:14,919 Speaker 1: to myself or to see my friends or to do 288 00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:19,199 Speaker 1: something else to make me happy. Once again, time boundaries 289 00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:23,679 Speaker 1: super important. And then we have deal breakers or what 290 00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:26,920 Speaker 1: I like to call like the miscellaneous or the other category. 291 00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:32,000 Speaker 1: So these might be boundaries that don't really fit into 292 00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:35,160 Speaker 1: any of the above that we've discussed, and they might 293 00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:38,959 Speaker 1: be really niche. One of the big deal breakers I 294 00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:43,440 Speaker 1: think most of us have is around infidelity. That's one 295 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:46,199 Speaker 1: that I think of quite a bit. I think it 296 00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:49,480 Speaker 1: has a lot of links to sexual boundaries, but it's 297 00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:53,440 Speaker 1: also an emotional and a mental boundary. It's a big 298 00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:56,600 Speaker 1: no no for me, you know, a big violation or 299 00:18:56,840 --> 00:19:00,280 Speaker 1: grounds for ending a relationship even you know, maybe it's 300 00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:02,880 Speaker 1: that you don't want your parents to comment on your 301 00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:07,440 Speaker 1: partner or your job completely reasonable, or you don't want 302 00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:09,199 Speaker 1: your housemates, I don't know, to cook meat in your 303 00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:11,680 Speaker 1: frying pan. I feel like that's a bit of a 304 00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:17,119 Speaker 1: physical boundary. But anyway, there are so many different categories 305 00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:19,600 Speaker 1: of boundary. I found it so interesting to hear about 306 00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:22,840 Speaker 1: all of these, and honestly, I think when we think 307 00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:27,080 Speaker 1: about that massive landscape, you can have as many boundaries 308 00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:29,960 Speaker 1: as you would like in your life. Obviously, I don't 309 00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:34,680 Speaker 1: think that that's necessary, and I don't think that it's 310 00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:37,560 Speaker 1: particularly healthy to put that much pressure on the people 311 00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:42,200 Speaker 1: in our lives to always act a certain way. But 312 00:19:43,359 --> 00:19:46,880 Speaker 1: if that's what you decide to do, then go for it. 313 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:51,320 Speaker 1: You can have as many deal breakers as you want. 314 00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:57,399 Speaker 1: You can choose whatever boundaries that you would like, because 315 00:19:57,440 --> 00:19:59,119 Speaker 1: at the end of the day, it's about how you 316 00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:02,720 Speaker 1: want to be treated and the environment that you expect 317 00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:06,640 Speaker 1: to have. Also, I think with many of these yes, 318 00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:10,199 Speaker 1: you can set these boundaries with other people, but you 319 00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:14,600 Speaker 1: can also set individual and internal boundaries around how you 320 00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:17,760 Speaker 1: want to treat yourself. You know, for example, this year, 321 00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:20,560 Speaker 1: I made a big pact with myself, a very strict 322 00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:24,879 Speaker 1: boundary that I didn't want to say negative things or 323 00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:28,680 Speaker 1: talk down to myself internally, and when I did that, 324 00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:32,520 Speaker 1: I wanted to make sure I corrected that behavior and 325 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:35,320 Speaker 1: treated myself in a way that I would want others 326 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:38,320 Speaker 1: to treat me. So supernuanced. Right, you can have these 327 00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:41,440 Speaker 1: boundaries around how others treat you, but you can also 328 00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:45,199 Speaker 1: have personal and individual boundaries as well. So, now that 329 00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:46,879 Speaker 1: we have a bit of a lay of the land, 330 00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:52,719 Speaker 1: how can we actually go about setting healthy and realistic 331 00:20:52,760 --> 00:20:56,480 Speaker 1: boundaries with others in a way that is firstly effective 332 00:20:57,280 --> 00:21:08,080 Speaker 1: but also sustainable and gets us our desired outcome. Our 333 00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:11,480 Speaker 1: next partner has a product I use literally every day. 334 00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:14,359 Speaker 1: I started taking ag one because I've been on a 335 00:21:14,359 --> 00:21:16,560 Speaker 1: bit of a health journey. 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All you have to 352 00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:14,840 Speaker 1: do is visit Athletic Greens dot Com slash Gemma again, 353 00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:18,520 Speaker 1: that's Athletic Greens dot Com slash Gemma to take ownership 354 00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:22,040 Speaker 1: over your health and pick up the ultimate daily nutritional insurance. 355 00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:34,560 Speaker 1: So how is it that we set healthy and realistic boundaries. Often, 356 00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:38,080 Speaker 1: I think it's through trial and error that we come 357 00:22:38,119 --> 00:22:41,920 Speaker 1: to realize what boundaries we need in our life. It's 358 00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:47,080 Speaker 1: when something goes wrong or when we feel disrespected or 359 00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:51,240 Speaker 1: treated poorly, that we fully realize that we need to 360 00:22:51,240 --> 00:22:54,679 Speaker 1: set up some clearer expectations well, that we need to 361 00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:57,840 Speaker 1: take a stand. I think that can be painful, right 362 00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:00,600 Speaker 1: we don't realize that something's wrong until it's really wrong. 363 00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:05,600 Speaker 1: But I think it's also important to understand the emotional 364 00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:09,760 Speaker 1: consequences of when we don't have those clear boundaries and 365 00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:14,760 Speaker 1: when we keep letting ourselves be mistreated. I'm sure we 366 00:23:14,800 --> 00:23:19,480 Speaker 1: all know someone who is always working late hours even 367 00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:23,640 Speaker 1: when they have other commitments, or maybe a friend who 368 00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:27,240 Speaker 1: always lets their partner or another friend criticize or take 369 00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:31,000 Speaker 1: advantage of them with little to no consequences and at 370 00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:36,000 Speaker 1: their expense. And in those situations where we haven't taken 371 00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:40,160 Speaker 1: the time to set up and communicate a clear boundary 372 00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:43,199 Speaker 1: with someone and be like, hey, I don't like it 373 00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:46,159 Speaker 1: when you treat me that way. I expect you to 374 00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:50,720 Speaker 1: treat me differently. You cannot message my work phone after 375 00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:54,880 Speaker 1: nine pm, whatever it may be. When we don't do 376 00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:59,720 Speaker 1: that the outcomes can be pretty severe. You know, you 377 00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:06,040 Speaker 1: may feel really frustrated, really anxious, or angry or guilty. 378 00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:12,000 Speaker 1: There's just this whole spectrum of emotions because our very personhood, 379 00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:16,280 Speaker 1: our sense of self feels violated, because we don't feel respected. 380 00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:21,199 Speaker 1: And often these emotions themselves are a sign that you 381 00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:24,639 Speaker 1: need a boundary, because no one's behavior should be making 382 00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:28,520 Speaker 1: you feel that way, and no one's way of treating 383 00:24:28,520 --> 00:24:31,439 Speaker 1: you or approaching you should be putting you in a 384 00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:36,440 Speaker 1: position where you're dealing with really heavy and hard emotions. 385 00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:42,719 Speaker 1: Having positive boundaries it means that you're confident in saying 386 00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:47,320 Speaker 1: no to others, and you're able to separate your thoughts 387 00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:50,560 Speaker 1: and your emotions from those of other people's. You don't 388 00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:56,600 Speaker 1: feel guilty about disappointing them. You don't feel guilty about 389 00:24:56,640 --> 00:25:01,080 Speaker 1: standing up for yourself, even if it means maybe embarrassing 390 00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:03,959 Speaker 1: them a little bit. I think many of us struggle 391 00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:06,560 Speaker 1: with our boundaries because of that reason. Right, we don't 392 00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:09,639 Speaker 1: want to upset someone, We don't want to put them 393 00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:12,160 Speaker 1: in a position where they feel as if they've done 394 00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:15,560 Speaker 1: something wrong, and out of a care and a caution 395 00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:20,240 Speaker 1: around our relationships, we allow ourselves to be passive in 396 00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:24,200 Speaker 1: the face of not always disrespect, but in the face 397 00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:26,960 Speaker 1: of behaviors that we really don't want to tolerate. I 398 00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:30,200 Speaker 1: saw this really interesting study and it said that women 399 00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:34,840 Speaker 1: in particular really struggle with this because we have been 400 00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:39,239 Speaker 1: conditioned in many ways to believe that the needs of 401 00:25:39,280 --> 00:25:42,639 Speaker 1: others are more important than our own, and so we 402 00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:46,439 Speaker 1: tend to appease, We tend to put others needs in 403 00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:50,000 Speaker 1: front of our own, and not really take care of 404 00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:54,480 Speaker 1: ourselves physically and mentally, and don't really set boundaries about 405 00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:58,480 Speaker 1: how we expect to be treated. So the first thing 406 00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:02,440 Speaker 1: to do, I think, is to identify what it is 407 00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:07,120 Speaker 1: about a situation that makes you upset and what exactly 408 00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:11,160 Speaker 1: it was, whether it was something someone has said, an action, 409 00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:15,520 Speaker 1: a behavior that's left you feeling that way. Ultimately, I 410 00:26:15,560 --> 00:26:19,200 Speaker 1: think boundaries speak to what makes us feel good and comfortable. 411 00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:23,119 Speaker 1: So if something is making you uncomfortable, it's likely that 412 00:26:23,160 --> 00:26:25,360 Speaker 1: it's crossed a boundary that you haven't even been able 413 00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:29,119 Speaker 1: to identify yet. And at this stage it's really important 414 00:26:29,119 --> 00:26:33,000 Speaker 1: to think through why did that happen, What was triggering 415 00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:36,960 Speaker 1: about that, what particular element of that person's behavior made 416 00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:40,560 Speaker 1: me upset? And if I'm thinking about setting a boundary 417 00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:43,119 Speaker 1: and calling out this behavior, what is it that you 418 00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:46,560 Speaker 1: want to accomplish by doing that? And do you think 419 00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:48,680 Speaker 1: that it's something that you're going to be able to do? 420 00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:52,400 Speaker 1: Do you think that having an open conversation or just 421 00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:55,800 Speaker 1: saying a firm no, is that going to allow you 422 00:26:55,840 --> 00:26:59,800 Speaker 1: to achieve that desired outcome? I think the other important 423 00:26:59,840 --> 00:27:03,720 Speaker 1: thing to consider when we are thinking about boundaries and 424 00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:06,600 Speaker 1: how to set them and our personal lives and our 425 00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:10,840 Speaker 1: private lives is what exactly is the boundary that you 426 00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:14,280 Speaker 1: want to set and does it directly correlate to the 427 00:27:14,359 --> 00:27:18,919 Speaker 1: outcome that you want? The boundary, I think has to 428 00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:23,520 Speaker 1: be specific to the behavior or action that has caused 429 00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:27,159 Speaker 1: you to become upset. Otherwise it's just a boundary for 430 00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:30,720 Speaker 1: boundary's sake, and it probably won't change much. I think 431 00:27:30,760 --> 00:27:35,040 Speaker 1: it's important to be very very clear with ourselves. What 432 00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:40,120 Speaker 1: is your boundary? Why do you need this boundary? Why 433 00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:43,320 Speaker 1: is it important? Is it that you don't want your 434 00:27:43,320 --> 00:27:46,320 Speaker 1: parents to ask about your dating life, or that you 435 00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:49,440 Speaker 1: need more space or a dedicated a loane time from 436 00:27:49,440 --> 00:27:53,359 Speaker 1: your partner, whatever it may be, You're not going to 437 00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:56,359 Speaker 1: get anywhere if you're not able to articulate it to 438 00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:59,520 Speaker 1: yourself to begin with. And I think it's really important 439 00:27:59,520 --> 00:28:01,840 Speaker 1: to have an on standing of why do I need 440 00:28:01,920 --> 00:28:06,840 Speaker 1: this boundary, what need does it serve, why is it important? 441 00:28:07,680 --> 00:28:10,920 Speaker 1: And get those things kind of iron doubt before you 442 00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:15,000 Speaker 1: begin to approach the idea of communicating that to another party. 443 00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:19,800 Speaker 1: The next step. I think it's the scary one, isn't it. 444 00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:23,239 Speaker 1: We all knew what was coming. You're going to need 445 00:28:23,280 --> 00:28:28,000 Speaker 1: to verbalize that boundary to the other person otherwise it's 446 00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:31,320 Speaker 1: never going to happen. Like I said before, it's a 447 00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:34,040 Speaker 1: hard truth. But people can't read your mind and we 448 00:28:34,080 --> 00:28:36,840 Speaker 1: can't expect them to either. So you will need to 449 00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:40,200 Speaker 1: verbalize to the other person what it is you need, 450 00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:44,080 Speaker 1: what behavior you're willing to accept, and how you want 451 00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:46,840 Speaker 1: to be treated. I think if you want to maintain 452 00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:50,120 Speaker 1: the relationship with the person you're speaking to, you're going 453 00:28:50,160 --> 00:28:52,400 Speaker 1: to need to go on with an approach and try 454 00:28:52,440 --> 00:28:58,120 Speaker 1: not to blindside them. Often when we often I think 455 00:28:58,120 --> 00:29:00,560 Speaker 1: when we have experiences where something offends us or we 456 00:29:00,680 --> 00:29:04,280 Speaker 1: feel upset, we have this tendency to be really reactive, 457 00:29:05,520 --> 00:29:09,720 Speaker 1: particularly when something disrupts our boundaries. Sometimes I don't know, 458 00:29:09,880 --> 00:29:13,840 Speaker 1: will be in a situation and that behavior that we 459 00:29:13,920 --> 00:29:16,720 Speaker 1: dislike might come up. Someone might say something or ask 460 00:29:16,800 --> 00:29:19,440 Speaker 1: something of us, and in that moment we feel like 461 00:29:19,440 --> 00:29:23,560 Speaker 1: we might burst, especially if it's something that's been bothering 462 00:29:23,640 --> 00:29:26,280 Speaker 1: us for a while. You know, we're sitting in that 463 00:29:26,320 --> 00:29:30,920 Speaker 1: situation and we just feel the frustration like bubbling up. 464 00:29:31,680 --> 00:29:36,360 Speaker 1: And I would advise you from personal experience to not 465 00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:40,080 Speaker 1: react immediately. It doesn't mean you can't see anything in 466 00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:43,080 Speaker 1: the moment or you need to bite your tongue, but 467 00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:45,920 Speaker 1: just take a second so that you don't let your 468 00:29:45,960 --> 00:29:49,320 Speaker 1: feelings almost blind you or get in the way of 469 00:29:49,320 --> 00:29:53,360 Speaker 1: achieving the outcome you want. Take a deep breath, and 470 00:29:53,400 --> 00:29:58,000 Speaker 1: then say something. The worst thing you can do, especially 471 00:29:58,040 --> 00:30:01,200 Speaker 1: if it's a relationship you want to maintain, is say 472 00:30:01,240 --> 00:30:03,800 Speaker 1: something that you don't mean or something that you might 473 00:30:03,840 --> 00:30:07,680 Speaker 1: regret out of anger. You're still able to stand up 474 00:30:07,680 --> 00:30:09,840 Speaker 1: for yourself, and I think you're doing more of a 475 00:30:09,920 --> 00:30:15,280 Speaker 1: service if you go into it rationally. Eventually, though, you know, 476 00:30:15,280 --> 00:30:18,000 Speaker 1: you're going to have to have a conversation, and in 477 00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:21,560 Speaker 1: that conversation be really clear with the other person about 478 00:30:21,600 --> 00:30:25,080 Speaker 1: what it is that you want. What is it about 479 00:30:25,120 --> 00:30:28,680 Speaker 1: the behavior or the action that it's upset you and 480 00:30:28,800 --> 00:30:32,040 Speaker 1: why that needs to change. This is like a really 481 00:30:32,040 --> 00:30:35,680 Speaker 1: common strategy in couples counseling actually, and that's to use 482 00:30:36,360 --> 00:30:41,200 Speaker 1: eye language. So like I feel bad when you put 483 00:30:41,200 --> 00:30:45,040 Speaker 1: me down, I feel stressed when you want me to 484 00:30:45,080 --> 00:30:50,520 Speaker 1: reply instantly, I feel upset or angry when you ask 485 00:30:50,600 --> 00:30:53,800 Speaker 1: me about my dating life or when you make comments 486 00:30:53,840 --> 00:30:58,920 Speaker 1: about my weight. And by using that eye language, it 487 00:30:59,040 --> 00:31:02,240 Speaker 1: makes sure that the other person doesn't feel defensive, rather 488 00:31:02,280 --> 00:31:05,239 Speaker 1: they feel receptive to what you're saying, which is a 489 00:31:05,280 --> 00:31:09,840 Speaker 1: positive outcome for everyone. Also, try and use succinct, clear 490 00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:15,040 Speaker 1: phrases to clarify exactly why you feel this way and 491 00:31:15,120 --> 00:31:17,920 Speaker 1: why you feel the need to set this boundary. I 492 00:31:17,960 --> 00:31:25,680 Speaker 1: think there's nothing that healthy open communication cannot do, especially 493 00:31:25,720 --> 00:31:29,520 Speaker 1: if it's someone who cares about us, who cares about you, 494 00:31:29,560 --> 00:31:32,520 Speaker 1: who cares about your relationship, and if it is the 495 00:31:32,560 --> 00:31:36,680 Speaker 1: case that that person does react negatively, well, I do 496 00:31:36,760 --> 00:31:40,480 Speaker 1: think that's highly indicative that there's a deeper lack of 497 00:31:40,520 --> 00:31:43,920 Speaker 1: disrespect or maybe there are other things that need to 498 00:31:43,960 --> 00:31:47,600 Speaker 1: be addressed. It's also very normal they have to reiterate it, 499 00:31:47,680 --> 00:31:51,360 Speaker 1: maybe a couple of times. I wouldn't go above like 500 00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:54,720 Speaker 1: one or two, or maybe you will have to correct 501 00:31:54,760 --> 00:31:58,520 Speaker 1: their behavior. But if it does keep happening and they 502 00:31:58,520 --> 00:32:03,239 Speaker 1: don't apologize, or they don't actively seek to change, and 503 00:32:03,320 --> 00:32:06,640 Speaker 1: they keep crossing your boundary, maybe it's time for more 504 00:32:06,720 --> 00:32:12,080 Speaker 1: drastic measures. I think it's worth noting here that people 505 00:32:12,080 --> 00:32:16,320 Speaker 1: with healthy boundaries are able to adjust their boundary depending 506 00:32:16,920 --> 00:32:19,960 Speaker 1: on a situation to allow for I would say, like 507 00:32:20,000 --> 00:32:23,800 Speaker 1: the appropriate level of connection. You know, in practice we 508 00:32:23,920 --> 00:32:28,600 Speaker 1: consciously and unconsciously use boundaries to decide what allows us 509 00:32:28,600 --> 00:32:32,440 Speaker 1: to feel comfortable, and on a daily basis that might change. 510 00:32:32,800 --> 00:32:35,240 Speaker 1: But you might have a very strict, like do not 511 00:32:35,360 --> 00:32:40,680 Speaker 1: go past this point type of setup. But sometimes it's 512 00:32:40,720 --> 00:32:44,960 Speaker 1: important to make sure that our boundaries aren't too strict 513 00:32:45,320 --> 00:32:47,440 Speaker 1: and on the flip side, like when our boundaries are 514 00:32:47,440 --> 00:32:51,640 Speaker 1: too permeable, when they're too flexible, often we tend to 515 00:32:51,720 --> 00:32:54,520 Speaker 1: let people take advantage of us or accept treatment that 516 00:32:54,520 --> 00:32:56,880 Speaker 1: we don't deserve. It's like we don't have a boundary 517 00:32:56,920 --> 00:32:59,600 Speaker 1: at all. So it's about finding that middle ground right 518 00:32:59,640 --> 00:33:03,520 Speaker 1: where we're able to receive the respect we deserve, but 519 00:33:04,160 --> 00:33:07,960 Speaker 1: we're also able to understand that people make mistakes and 520 00:33:08,160 --> 00:33:13,280 Speaker 1: adapt to our circumstances. When we're in the process of 521 00:33:13,360 --> 00:33:17,959 Speaker 1: establishing healthy boundaries, I think naturally, the people that are 522 00:33:18,080 --> 00:33:21,120 Speaker 1: used to you behaving in some way, the people who 523 00:33:21,120 --> 00:33:23,120 Speaker 1: are used to being able to say whatever they want 524 00:33:23,840 --> 00:33:26,680 Speaker 1: or to take advantage of you, they're going to get upset. 525 00:33:27,880 --> 00:33:31,200 Speaker 1: And some people might even continue to disrespect your boundaries. 526 00:33:31,560 --> 00:33:37,080 Speaker 1: They might never be supportive of what you need. I 527 00:33:37,120 --> 00:33:41,360 Speaker 1: think in these instances when you feel like, oh, you know, 528 00:33:41,400 --> 00:33:44,240 Speaker 1: I set this boundary with my partner or with my friend, 529 00:33:45,040 --> 00:33:48,320 Speaker 1: and they just keep pushing it, they keep violating it, 530 00:33:48,680 --> 00:33:51,480 Speaker 1: They still keep saying those things to me, they still 531 00:33:51,560 --> 00:33:55,680 Speaker 1: keep using my car without asking, or they still keep 532 00:33:55,720 --> 00:33:59,280 Speaker 1: making comments about this or interrupting my personal and my 533 00:33:59,320 --> 00:34:02,880 Speaker 1: free time. Sometimes we can feel, you know, like the 534 00:34:02,960 --> 00:34:05,600 Speaker 1: problem is me, not them, and that's definitely not the case. 535 00:34:05,760 --> 00:34:08,160 Speaker 1: You deserve to be treated the way that you want 536 00:34:08,200 --> 00:34:11,080 Speaker 1: to be treated. So in those instances where you feel 537 00:34:11,080 --> 00:34:14,680 Speaker 1: your resolve cracking, really reiterate to yourself why it is 538 00:34:14,800 --> 00:34:17,719 Speaker 1: that you've felt the need to enact that boundary in 539 00:34:17,760 --> 00:34:21,440 Speaker 1: the first place. What were you protecting yourself from or 540 00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:24,720 Speaker 1: providing for yourself? And do you still have that need. 541 00:34:25,800 --> 00:34:30,160 Speaker 1: I'm guessing the answer is probably yes. Right. You know, 542 00:34:30,320 --> 00:34:33,719 Speaker 1: everyone has a need to feel respected and a need 543 00:34:33,760 --> 00:34:37,640 Speaker 1: to feel like they're treated the way they deserve. So 544 00:34:38,239 --> 00:34:41,439 Speaker 1: if it's the case that you've set the boundary, you've 545 00:34:41,480 --> 00:34:45,319 Speaker 1: had the conversation, and there's someone in your life who just, 546 00:34:45,640 --> 00:34:49,719 Speaker 1: no matter what, can't seem to respect that, maybe it's 547 00:34:49,719 --> 00:34:53,360 Speaker 1: time to consider some other options. So that leads us 548 00:34:53,360 --> 00:34:57,200 Speaker 1: to our next conundrum, right, what do you do when 549 00:34:57,360 --> 00:35:06,000 Speaker 1: someone continues to violate your boundaries? When someone crosses our boundaries, 550 00:35:06,760 --> 00:35:11,000 Speaker 1: it can create a lot of emotions most of the time, 551 00:35:11,239 --> 00:35:16,319 Speaker 1: you know, it's anger. It's anger, it's sadness, it's anxiety, 552 00:35:16,360 --> 00:35:19,239 Speaker 1: it's fear. I have this anecdote for you, and I 553 00:35:19,280 --> 00:35:24,799 Speaker 1: hope it will be useful. And of time, when I 554 00:35:25,040 --> 00:35:29,800 Speaker 1: repeatedly found someone I was really close to not respecting 555 00:35:29,920 --> 00:35:32,520 Speaker 1: a boundary I was actively trying to set with them. 556 00:35:33,239 --> 00:35:36,160 Speaker 1: So I had this with a friend and they were 557 00:35:36,200 --> 00:35:39,080 Speaker 1: going through a really difficult time, and you know what, 558 00:35:39,160 --> 00:35:41,799 Speaker 1: that's fine. I think we all go through periods like that. 559 00:35:42,680 --> 00:35:46,239 Speaker 1: But her reliance on me was quite unhealthy and was 560 00:35:46,280 --> 00:35:49,560 Speaker 1: really beginning to disturb in my life in some ways 561 00:35:49,719 --> 00:35:51,600 Speaker 1: in a way that was really upsetting, and I couldn't 562 00:35:51,600 --> 00:35:54,760 Speaker 1: help this person. And I got to the point where 563 00:35:54,840 --> 00:35:58,080 Speaker 1: I would be receiving these messages that would just send 564 00:35:58,120 --> 00:35:59,839 Speaker 1: me into like a tizzy, and it would just be 565 00:36:00,480 --> 00:36:06,759 Speaker 1: incredibly emotional content, incredibly aggressive content, and I would wake 566 00:36:06,880 --> 00:36:08,760 Speaker 1: up in the morning and I would just be fearful 567 00:36:09,360 --> 00:36:13,160 Speaker 1: that this person overnight had set me something really traumatic, 568 00:36:13,280 --> 00:36:15,160 Speaker 1: or had tried to call me, or had sent me 569 00:36:15,920 --> 00:36:19,320 Speaker 1: really aggressive text message, and I was on high alert 570 00:36:19,400 --> 00:36:22,680 Speaker 1: to take on their emotional baggage and often their anger 571 00:36:22,719 --> 00:36:25,960 Speaker 1: at any given point. And it got to this point 572 00:36:25,960 --> 00:36:30,600 Speaker 1: of being incredibly stressful and intense for me, like to 573 00:36:30,640 --> 00:36:34,799 Speaker 1: a point of intense mental distress where I genuinely could 574 00:36:34,880 --> 00:36:38,800 Speaker 1: not manage everything going on in my life and this friendship. 575 00:36:39,239 --> 00:36:41,640 Speaker 1: And I had talked and communicated to this person a 576 00:36:41,640 --> 00:36:45,440 Speaker 1: few times about this and reiterated that I couldn't have 577 00:36:45,520 --> 00:36:49,279 Speaker 1: these intense discussions or received these messages and it would 578 00:36:49,280 --> 00:36:52,080 Speaker 1: be good for her to maybe get some professional help 579 00:36:52,640 --> 00:36:55,000 Speaker 1: because I just didn't have the capacity or the skills 580 00:36:55,000 --> 00:36:59,520 Speaker 1: to do it. And despite that, that boundary was not 581 00:36:59,560 --> 00:37:02,840 Speaker 1: respect did that boundary of being like, I cannot be 582 00:37:02,920 --> 00:37:05,759 Speaker 1: this person for you, please do not treat me like 583 00:37:05,840 --> 00:37:09,200 Speaker 1: your therapist or like your psychologist. Please don't send me 584 00:37:09,280 --> 00:37:13,360 Speaker 1: these messages. It wasn't respected, and that was really hard 585 00:37:13,400 --> 00:37:16,560 Speaker 1: because I wanted her to treat me well. I wanted 586 00:37:16,560 --> 00:37:20,080 Speaker 1: to have a healthy relationship. So what do we do 587 00:37:20,160 --> 00:37:23,319 Speaker 1: in those situations when no matter what you do, you 588 00:37:23,440 --> 00:37:27,239 Speaker 1: just find that these people or this person keeps encroaching 589 00:37:27,320 --> 00:37:30,480 Speaker 1: on the space or the nogo zone where you really 590 00:37:30,520 --> 00:37:34,400 Speaker 1: don't feel comfortable. Something I realized is that you can't 591 00:37:34,400 --> 00:37:38,080 Speaker 1: control other people or make them someone that they're not. 592 00:37:38,760 --> 00:37:42,640 Speaker 1: Once again, you know, you only get to control yourself 593 00:37:42,719 --> 00:37:45,480 Speaker 1: and teach people how to treat you. But if they 594 00:37:45,520 --> 00:37:49,960 Speaker 1: won't take that lesson, then maybe it's time for something 595 00:37:50,000 --> 00:37:54,040 Speaker 1: more drastic. If you've tried to calmly let the person 596 00:37:54,160 --> 00:37:57,600 Speaker 1: know that what they did wasn't okay, that they violated 597 00:37:57,640 --> 00:38:00,960 Speaker 1: your boundary, that this is something that's important to you, 598 00:38:01,120 --> 00:38:04,640 Speaker 1: something that you would like to be respected, maybe it's 599 00:38:04,680 --> 00:38:08,640 Speaker 1: time to rethink their behavior and time to rethink their 600 00:38:08,680 --> 00:38:14,240 Speaker 1: attitude towards you. Importantly, sometimes you've just got to accept 601 00:38:14,320 --> 00:38:18,680 Speaker 1: that people are not going to respect your boundaries no 602 00:38:18,800 --> 00:38:21,960 Speaker 1: matter what you do. And this is such a difficult 603 00:38:22,000 --> 00:38:25,640 Speaker 1: truth because I think we like to think that the 604 00:38:25,719 --> 00:38:29,760 Speaker 1: best of people, and we really want to give people second, third, 605 00:38:30,400 --> 00:38:33,960 Speaker 1: sometimes fourth chances. So it can be really disappointing to 606 00:38:33,960 --> 00:38:37,320 Speaker 1: realize this and to have to make a hard decision 607 00:38:37,400 --> 00:38:42,560 Speaker 1: from this realization that this person actually doesn't care whether 608 00:38:42,600 --> 00:38:45,680 Speaker 1: I feel respected. They actually don't care what I have 609 00:38:45,760 --> 00:38:47,920 Speaker 1: to say for myself and how I want to be treated. 610 00:38:49,160 --> 00:38:51,680 Speaker 1: But here is where you come in, right, you have 611 00:38:51,800 --> 00:38:56,880 Speaker 1: the agency to choose whether you accept that behavior or 612 00:38:56,880 --> 00:39:02,000 Speaker 1: whether you're ready to disengage. It's also important from the 613 00:39:02,080 --> 00:39:06,240 Speaker 1: get go to have a clear consequence in your mind. 614 00:39:06,920 --> 00:39:10,240 Speaker 1: But how are you going to react if this does happen, 615 00:39:10,440 --> 00:39:13,920 Speaker 1: if someone does cross this boundary and be intentional with 616 00:39:14,000 --> 00:39:18,319 Speaker 1: writing that down, acknowledging it, and enacting that consequence. When 617 00:39:18,320 --> 00:39:21,680 Speaker 1: you feel the boundary has been crossed, often that means 618 00:39:22,640 --> 00:39:26,520 Speaker 1: reducing your contact with them, blocking them, cutting them out 619 00:39:26,600 --> 00:39:29,800 Speaker 1: of your life. This also comes down to being really 620 00:39:29,840 --> 00:39:34,000 Speaker 1: clear with yourself about what treatment you're willing to accept 621 00:39:34,160 --> 00:39:38,880 Speaker 1: and what you don't. I don't think that realization comes easily, right. 622 00:39:39,680 --> 00:39:41,560 Speaker 1: It's not something that you're going to wake up one 623 00:39:41,640 --> 00:39:45,080 Speaker 1: day and be like, oh my gosh, I finally realized 624 00:39:45,239 --> 00:39:49,200 Speaker 1: that I deserve to be treated well, but it comes 625 00:39:49,640 --> 00:39:52,759 Speaker 1: with time and with maturity, and I think with some 626 00:39:52,800 --> 00:39:55,799 Speaker 1: of those trial and error experiences like we were talking about, right, 627 00:39:56,360 --> 00:39:59,480 Speaker 1: if you're treated poorly enough times, eventually you get a 628 00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:02,759 Speaker 1: little bit sick, give it and you start to realize, like, oh, 629 00:40:02,800 --> 00:40:05,200 Speaker 1: I should probably be standing up for myself in this instance, 630 00:40:06,000 --> 00:40:08,480 Speaker 1: and sometimes there's nothing left to do but let go. 631 00:40:09,719 --> 00:40:12,000 Speaker 1: You know, I firmly believe that most people are not 632 00:40:12,120 --> 00:40:16,560 Speaker 1: toxic or bad people. You know, with the exception of 633 00:40:16,760 --> 00:40:20,520 Speaker 1: people with severe personality disorders like narcissism or psychopathy. But 634 00:40:20,840 --> 00:40:24,200 Speaker 1: even in those instances, like they're not bad people. It's 635 00:40:24,200 --> 00:40:26,319 Speaker 1: a condition, and you know, that's a whole other ball 636 00:40:26,360 --> 00:40:30,200 Speaker 1: game entirely. But I do believe that behavior like this 637 00:40:31,360 --> 00:40:36,160 Speaker 1: or toxicity, like the continual violation of your boundaries, it's 638 00:40:36,200 --> 00:40:39,800 Speaker 1: not your fault. And it's not because they're a bad person. 639 00:40:39,920 --> 00:40:43,960 Speaker 1: It's normally due to something that they're not addressing. Maybe 640 00:40:43,960 --> 00:40:49,160 Speaker 1: it's their inability to respect themselves. And ultimately it's their loss. 641 00:40:50,040 --> 00:40:52,560 Speaker 1: If they have to give up a relationship with you, 642 00:40:53,440 --> 00:40:57,480 Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, that's their loss, absolutely, because at the 643 00:40:57,600 --> 00:41:00,960 Speaker 1: end of the day, you really do deserve to be 644 00:41:01,120 --> 00:41:05,520 Speaker 1: respected and loved and treated how you want to be treated, 645 00:41:06,200 --> 00:41:10,440 Speaker 1: regardless of whether this person is a colleague, is a friend, 646 00:41:10,600 --> 00:41:14,160 Speaker 1: or a family member, even a partner. That doesn't change 647 00:41:14,200 --> 00:41:18,000 Speaker 1: that fact that you deserve to be treated and respected 648 00:41:18,040 --> 00:41:20,920 Speaker 1: the way that you want to be treated. But still, 649 00:41:21,040 --> 00:41:23,359 Speaker 1: sometimes you do have to cut off contact in order 650 00:41:23,400 --> 00:41:27,120 Speaker 1: to protect yourself and take control of your happiness, and 651 00:41:27,160 --> 00:41:29,719 Speaker 1: that can be a really hard decision and not one 652 00:41:29,760 --> 00:41:32,840 Speaker 1: I think any of us would take lightly. So I 653 00:41:32,880 --> 00:41:37,480 Speaker 1: would really make sure that you've explored or opportunities and 654 00:41:37,520 --> 00:41:39,480 Speaker 1: also that it's going to give you the outcome that 655 00:41:39,520 --> 00:41:44,120 Speaker 1: you want. That cutting this person off, that saying goodbye 656 00:41:44,160 --> 00:41:47,560 Speaker 1: to them is what's going to make you happier and 657 00:41:47,760 --> 00:41:50,080 Speaker 1: is going to leave your life in a better place. 658 00:41:51,480 --> 00:41:53,839 Speaker 1: I think if you can have one final conversation with 659 00:41:53,840 --> 00:41:56,719 Speaker 1: that person about why this needs to happen, and just 660 00:41:56,760 --> 00:41:58,839 Speaker 1: see if you can get any of that recognition from 661 00:41:58,880 --> 00:42:03,160 Speaker 1: them their behavior is causing you harm, and if not, 662 00:42:04,320 --> 00:42:06,440 Speaker 1: you know you did what you needed to do and 663 00:42:06,480 --> 00:42:10,160 Speaker 1: it's probably time to say goodbye, which I know is 664 00:42:10,200 --> 00:42:13,319 Speaker 1: a lot easier said than done, especially when we think 665 00:42:13,360 --> 00:42:17,160 Speaker 1: about you know, family, I'm sure many of us have 666 00:42:17,239 --> 00:42:21,239 Speaker 1: had to set boundaries with our family members, and when 667 00:42:21,280 --> 00:42:24,080 Speaker 1: they've been violated, we've had to make hard decisions. So 668 00:42:24,800 --> 00:42:28,960 Speaker 1: I definitely don't envy you on a smaller scale, you know. 669 00:42:29,080 --> 00:42:31,520 Speaker 1: I had to do this with someone I was dating 670 00:42:31,560 --> 00:42:33,919 Speaker 1: at the start of the year, and I had set 671 00:42:33,960 --> 00:42:36,440 Speaker 1: this boundary that if I were to date this person, 672 00:42:37,239 --> 00:42:40,640 Speaker 1: I needed to feel like they respected me and wanted 673 00:42:40,680 --> 00:42:43,920 Speaker 1: me around. And I communicated that to them, and they 674 00:42:43,960 --> 00:42:48,439 Speaker 1: never did. They never made me feel respected, even after 675 00:42:48,520 --> 00:42:52,759 Speaker 1: I'd expressed that many times, and finally I just had 676 00:42:52,760 --> 00:42:55,040 Speaker 1: to go. I had to be like, I'm sorry, you 677 00:42:55,080 --> 00:42:57,919 Speaker 1: can't be part of my life anymore. And oh my god, 678 00:42:57,920 --> 00:43:02,880 Speaker 1: it was so hard. I remember having that conversation and 679 00:43:03,040 --> 00:43:07,200 Speaker 1: just being in tears. But I also never felt more 680 00:43:07,280 --> 00:43:14,360 Speaker 1: proud of myself for finally realizing what I deserved and 681 00:43:14,640 --> 00:43:17,320 Speaker 1: how I expected to be treated by people who claim 682 00:43:17,440 --> 00:43:20,040 Speaker 1: to love me. It was like one of the most 683 00:43:20,120 --> 00:43:24,160 Speaker 1: empowering moments, like a turning point in my relationship with myself, 684 00:43:24,680 --> 00:43:27,920 Speaker 1: and I gave myself time to grieve that relationship, but 685 00:43:28,040 --> 00:43:31,880 Speaker 1: I also gave myself time to grieve and be sad 686 00:43:31,920 --> 00:43:34,920 Speaker 1: about the fact that I had let that behavior go 687 00:43:34,960 --> 00:43:38,160 Speaker 1: on for so long that I had let an important 688 00:43:38,200 --> 00:43:42,239 Speaker 1: boundary be crossed. So if you're at that stage, if 689 00:43:42,239 --> 00:43:45,319 Speaker 1: you're having this dilemma, if you've done all those steps right, 690 00:43:45,360 --> 00:43:48,320 Speaker 1: you've thought to yourself, what is it about this behavior 691 00:43:48,800 --> 00:43:53,200 Speaker 1: that's upsetting me? Will this boundary actually give me the 692 00:43:53,200 --> 00:43:55,840 Speaker 1: outcome that I want? How can I set this boundary. 693 00:43:55,880 --> 00:44:00,120 Speaker 1: I've had this conversation with them, I've communicated clearly what 694 00:44:00,160 --> 00:44:02,520 Speaker 1: it is about their behavior that upsets me, and still 695 00:44:03,400 --> 00:44:07,800 Speaker 1: still nothing has changed. Maybe you're at that point where 696 00:44:08,880 --> 00:44:12,440 Speaker 1: nothing is going to change, right, Like, you can't change 697 00:44:12,520 --> 00:44:16,080 Speaker 1: this person. You can only change your environment, and you 698 00:44:16,120 --> 00:44:19,279 Speaker 1: can only make the decisions for yourself. So I think 699 00:44:19,320 --> 00:44:22,160 Speaker 1: it's always something to consider, especially when we talk about 700 00:44:22,320 --> 00:44:26,759 Speaker 1: really serious boundaries as well. Anyhow, I hope that you 701 00:44:26,920 --> 00:44:30,759 Speaker 1: liked this episode. It was kind of deep, kind of emotional. 702 00:44:32,000 --> 00:44:34,200 Speaker 1: I feel like that's always the case. I always notice 703 00:44:34,200 --> 00:44:37,279 Speaker 1: that when I share heaps of personal anecdotes, I'm like, 704 00:44:37,320 --> 00:44:40,320 Speaker 1: oh wow, I could really relate to this this episode 705 00:44:40,360 --> 00:44:43,280 Speaker 1: this week, and seems that this was one of those. 706 00:44:43,440 --> 00:44:46,760 Speaker 1: So I hope that if you're listening and you're thinking 707 00:44:46,760 --> 00:44:51,680 Speaker 1: about boundaries around the holiday season, around your relationships, that 708 00:44:51,719 --> 00:44:55,560 Speaker 1: this was helpful, that you learned something even researching this, 709 00:44:55,640 --> 00:44:58,880 Speaker 1: like I learned something. I learned something super helpful, and 710 00:44:58,960 --> 00:45:03,279 Speaker 1: I think it's just such a valu kind of learning resource, 711 00:45:03,360 --> 00:45:07,920 Speaker 1: or like a like a valuable insight to have valuable knowledge. 712 00:45:08,200 --> 00:45:12,000 Speaker 1: So thank you so much for listening. If you enjoyed 713 00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:14,879 Speaker 1: this episode, please feel free to leave it a five 714 00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:19,720 Speaker 1: star review on Apple, Spotify, wherever you're listening right now. 715 00:45:20,840 --> 00:45:23,080 Speaker 1: It really helps the show grow and helps it reach 716 00:45:23,160 --> 00:45:26,040 Speaker 1: new people. This has been such a crazy year. Thank 717 00:45:26,040 --> 00:45:29,080 Speaker 1: you to everyone who's already left a review. It's like 718 00:45:29,200 --> 00:45:33,279 Speaker 1: overwhelming and I really really appreciate it. If you want 719 00:45:33,280 --> 00:45:39,120 Speaker 1: to have a say over what episodes I publish next year, 720 00:45:40,040 --> 00:45:43,680 Speaker 1: well follow me on Instagram at that Psychology podcast. I 721 00:45:43,760 --> 00:45:47,080 Speaker 1: put out a poll there every week to decide what 722 00:45:47,200 --> 00:45:50,000 Speaker 1: I record for one of those episodes that week. So 723 00:45:50,640 --> 00:45:53,680 Speaker 1: go and give it a follow if you want to, 724 00:45:53,960 --> 00:45:56,640 Speaker 1: if that's something you want to do. If not, that's 725 00:45:56,640 --> 00:45:59,200 Speaker 1: all right. Thanks for coming along for the journey, and 726 00:45:59,760 --> 00:46:02,960 Speaker 1: I hope everyone learns something about boundaries before the holiday season. 727 00:46:03,080 --> 00:46:05,960 Speaker 1: I know for many of us it is a hard time, 728 00:46:06,040 --> 00:46:10,200 Speaker 1: so best in luck, happy holidays, and thank you so 729 00:46:10,320 --> 00:46:11,040 Speaker 1: much for listening