Speaker 1: Hey, guys, welcome to Tommy Talk. And today's topic is
Speaker 1: stop a living by someone else's timeline. So this was
Speaker 1: inspired by my producer's staff, And this is actually something
Speaker 1: I'm seeing gen Z struggle with more and more with.
Speaker 1: But I also think every group of people struggles with it.
Speaker 1: I'm a millennial, and I know a lot of millennials
Speaker 1: struggle with this too. I know everyone, I mean everybody.
Speaker 1: This affects everybody for so many different ways, because I
Speaker 1: feel like that we tend to sometimes look around and
Speaker 1: compare ourselves to where people are in their lives, or
Speaker 1: and think where we're supposed to be in our lives
Speaker 1: based on that. Right, So maybe your friends are getting
Speaker 1: married and you're still figuring out who you are, or
Speaker 1: maybe someone your age just had a huge business win.
Speaker 1: They sold a company, they made millions of dollars, they
Speaker 1: bought a house, they're having their second child, and you're like, wait,
Speaker 1: why am I doing any of that myself? Like why
Speaker 1: has that not happened for me yet? Like what the hell?
Speaker 1: Maybe you're someone who's at forty starting over in your career,
Speaker 1: or at forty five, or maybe you're healing from a
Speaker 1: really traumatic breakup from something that you thought was going
Speaker 1: to be forever and it rattled you to your core
Speaker 1: and it ended up not being the way you thought
Speaker 1: it would pan out. Or maybe you're chasing a dream
Speaker 1: that people told you you should have chased years ago,
Speaker 1: but you feel like now is your time. I mean,
Speaker 1: those things all happen, that's all still valid. And just
Speaker 1: because those things are happening at different timelines or different
Speaker 1: points of your life doesn't mean you don't have it
Speaker 1: all figured out. It really doesn't. But somewhere along the way,
Speaker 1: we tell ourselves, oh my god, I'm so behind in
Speaker 1: my life. I'm so behind, Like, wow, what am I doing?
Speaker 1: I'm a failure. No, that's not the case. That's not
Speaker 1: the case. And in this time we talk, I want
Speaker 1: to refute and challenge that, because I don't think you're
Speaker 1: behind at all. I just think that we measure our
Speaker 1: lives against people's timelines and against other people's lives that
Speaker 1: were never ever meant to be ours. We're not meant
Speaker 1: to live other people's lives. We're just not yet. We
Speaker 1: put these invisible deadlines all around us, all around us.
Speaker 1: You know, I can't tell you how many people in
Speaker 1: my life over the years. People I love so much,
Speaker 1: who are like the biggest catches in the world have
Speaker 1: sacrificed who their dream person to be with is, and
Speaker 1: they choose someone who doesn't treat them right, who has
Speaker 1: a lot of red flags, the warning flags are very visible,
Speaker 1: who they know deep down isn't being good to them
Speaker 1: or isn't making them feel great. Yet they still choose
Speaker 1: to carry on a relationship and inevitably, usually note out
Speaker 1: of ten times it doesn't work out, and then their heartbroken,
Speaker 1: and then there's the year of being heartbroken over that
Speaker 1: because their hope and expectation of this working out did not,
Speaker 1: So then there's that healing or they do end up
Speaker 1: moving forward together, and then they get divorced very quickly
Speaker 1: because they know they never really really were meant to
Speaker 1: be deep down. And I think a lot of that happens,
Speaker 1: and it's very human and there's no judgment there because
Speaker 1: we do feel like there are timelines and deadlines and
Speaker 1: oh my god, I'm thirty. I need to just make
Speaker 1: this work, you know. I felt that in my relationship
Speaker 1: in my twenties, I was with someone way longer than
Speaker 1: I really wanted to be because I was like I
Speaker 1: invested all these years in this relationship. So many people
Speaker 1: I know are getting engaged and getting married. This just
Speaker 1: is what life is. And you know what, I'm sure
Speaker 1: everyone's relationships are like this. No they weren't, because it
Speaker 1: wasn't a very healthy, good relationship. And I was trying
Speaker 1: to force myself to believe that it was because of
Speaker 1: societal pressures. And it's just so silly, because we don't
Speaker 1: need to feel that way. We don't need to feel
Speaker 1: that way. I am someone that I would I would
Speaker 1: say I got kind of my biggest successes later in life,
Speaker 1: and my family knows this, my friends know this. Like
Speaker 1: I've always worked really hard and I've been on the
Speaker 1: path to where I am today, but I've had a
Speaker 1: very weird journey and unconventional journey for someone in my space.
Speaker 1: And you know, like I didn't really start hitting this
Speaker 1: stride in my career until I don't know, mid thirties,
Speaker 1: which a lot of people would say is late. And
Speaker 1: some of the biggest successes for me have really happened
Speaker 1: in this chapter of my life at forty. So like,
Speaker 1: that's a great example that you can't measure your your
Speaker 1: worth and your value or feel like you're expired or
Speaker 1: you're done if you haven't hit goals by a certain deadline.
Speaker 1: And we we always put those deadlines on ourselves, right
Speaker 1: like we're graduating by this sage, we're getting this job,
Speaker 1: we have to find the person, we get married, buy
Speaker 1: the house, we have kids, We climb the corporate ladder,
Speaker 1: we retire, Like there's this whole structure in place for
Speaker 1: our lives. And I think goals are amazing, and I
Speaker 1: think striving for something bigger than yourself and that really
Speaker 1: sets you up for a life you want is so important.
Speaker 1: But when did we start turning life into a damn checklist?
Speaker 1: When and if you don't complete it in like the
Speaker 1: correct order or by the right age, you've failed. When
Speaker 1: did we start doing that? I don't want to live
Speaker 1: my life like a checklist. I want there to be
Speaker 1: some spontaneity and excitement and twists and turns. I never
Speaker 1: could have imagined I would be where I am in
Speaker 1: my career ever. Ever, that's the beautiful thing about life.
Speaker 1: It brings you to places that if you're open and
Speaker 1: you work hard and you can pivot, you've never even
Speaker 1: seen coming. That's what's gorgeous about life and if you
Speaker 1: have such a rigid timeline, you can't always get there,
Speaker 1: You really really can't. I could have settled down with
Speaker 1: my ex for my twenties I was working corporate, then
Speaker 1: I would have had a totally different life. I would
Speaker 1: never have met my husband. I wouldn't be in the
Speaker 1: entertainment space again that I left at the time. Like,
Speaker 1: my life would have been a totally different life. I
Speaker 1: think about that, and if it was that life, I
Speaker 1: would have been miserable. I know I would have been
Speaker 1: miserable one thousand percent. And how sad is that? Because
Speaker 1: we have one life to live. How sad is that?
Speaker 1: So by not following the quote unquote perfect timeline of
Speaker 1: life that we have all put on ourselves, I was
Speaker 1: able to go live a life that truly fulfills me.
Speaker 1: That's the beautiful thing. That's the beautiful thing. And by
Speaker 1: the way, who decided that love has to happen by
Speaker 1: you know, twenty early twenties, You got to meet your
Speaker 1: person and that success has to come to you by
Speaker 1: thirty five? Like who set all this shit in place?
Speaker 1: Cause I reject that. I reject these you know, social
Speaker 1: parameters and barometers that people put in line. I really
Speaker 1: do or that like reinvention is for people after college,
Speaker 1: like I'm finding out who I am. No no, no,
Speaker 1: no, no no. These are made up, false parameters put on
Speaker 1: that aren't real. They're not real. And I want you
Speaker 1: to think about this. Think about the people you admire
Speaker 1: the most in your life, really think about them for
Speaker 1: a minute. Chances are many of them didn't follow one
Speaker 1: straight line. I can guarantee if you really dig into
Speaker 1: some of the people you love and admire the most,
Speaker 1: chances are they didn't. Of course, there's always expectations, right
Speaker 1: like if you're a doctor or something like that, where
Speaker 1: you have to go to school for a decade, it
Speaker 1: feels like, yes, that's a very kind of planned life.
Speaker 1: But chances are, again those people have always wanted to
Speaker 1: do that, and that's something that they didn't like wake
Speaker 1: up one day at sixty five and say I'm gonna
Speaker 1: go be a doctor. Like it's something a lot of
Speaker 1: people have a very focused perspective on, right, But a
Speaker 1: lot of the people you admire most didn't follow a
Speaker 1: straight line. They really didn't. I bet you some found
Speaker 1: love later in life, like my beautiful aunt found love
Speaker 1: and had a second chapter later in life and she's married.
Speaker 1: She's not married, but she's with the man of her dreams,
Speaker 1: and it's so beautiful to see her happy. Some people
Speaker 1: started entirely new careers after decades in another field. Isn't
Speaker 1: that amazing? Like that's incredible. That takes balls, that takes
Speaker 1: gumption to just start over. Like God, I love that
Speaker 1: so much. I love that some people became parents, maybe
Speaker 1: totally unexpectedly, or maybe some chose not to be parents
Speaker 1: at all, And that's cool too, because that's their choice, right.
Speaker 1: Maybe some people who you and ire failed very publicly
Speaker 1: before succeeding very privately. That's the other thing. We don't
Speaker 1: always know people's journeys or struggles or wins, because not
Speaker 1: everyone blasters it all over the internet. And I think
Speaker 1: that's something we have to remember too. We don't always
Speaker 1: see that side of it. We just see the timeline
Speaker 1: that society puts on us. And with all of that
Speaker 1: being said, those people's lives aren't delayed, or they're not
Speaker 1: less deserving or worthy or successful. Their lives were unfolding,
Speaker 1: their lives were happening, their lives were pivoting in different
Speaker 1: directions and breathing, and you know, leading them to the
Speaker 1: path they're meant to be on. So the problem isn't
Speaker 1: that you're behind. You're not behind, Especially for my gen
Speaker 1: zers who are listening today and who just graduated and
Speaker 1: feel like, what's my purpose? Where am I going? What
Speaker 1: am I doing? Enjoy this time, explore all different things,
Speaker 1: do it all. Take it from me, someone who was
Speaker 1: doing something very different when I grad to graduate a
Speaker 1: college to now. You don't have to be exactly where
Speaker 1: you're going to be in fifteen twenty years. You're probably
Speaker 1: not going to be exactly where you're going to be,
Speaker 1: and that's okay. So enjoy where you are now. Enjoy
Speaker 1: the experience, learn grow, be a yes person. In terms
Speaker 1: of work, do whatever you can do to learn whatever
Speaker 1: industry or field you're in, Get the experience, get the knowledge,
Speaker 1: work your ass off, and see where life takes you.
Speaker 1: That's the exciting thing. Look at this chapter of your
Speaker 1: life is exciting, like the world is your possibility. Who knows.
Speaker 1: You might not even know where you're going to end
Speaker 1: up because you haven't discovered it yet, and that's okay,
Speaker 1: And that's okay. And don't rush love, don't rush marriage,
Speaker 1: don't rush any of it. Like take your time to
Speaker 1: see what works for you. One of my best friends
Speaker 1: is fifty and had a baby. Always wanted a baby,
Speaker 1: always wanted a baby. So she did. She had a baby.
Speaker 1: She found a way to do it, and I'm not
Speaker 1: going to talk about her journey because it's her business.
Speaker 1: But she did it and she's so damn happy. So
Speaker 1: you don't have to feel like you can't achieve or
Speaker 1: get the things you want out of your life because
Speaker 1: they're not happening by a certain age. Please take it
Speaker 1: from me. Take it from me. The problem is we
Speaker 1: compare ourselves to someone else's path. So I'm here to
Speaker 1: tell you today, don't do it. Don't do it. It's hard.
Speaker 1: It's hard when we see other people's engagement photos or
Speaker 1: promotions or vacation highlights or career wins. If you're I
Speaker 1: don't know, writing a book and someone else gets a
Speaker 1: book deal, or I'm writing a script, I'm seeing people
Speaker 1: getting script deals. It's not me like it's hard to compare.
Speaker 1: I get it, I get it. But remember while you
Speaker 1: see all that, you don't also see their anxiety, their
Speaker 1: panic attacks, their loneliness, maybe relationships falling apart, the years
Speaker 1: they struggle before you you quote unquote their overnight success, like,
Speaker 1: you don't see all that, So you can't compare because
Speaker 1: you really don't know what you're comparing yourself to. You
Speaker 1: really really don't. And the last thing I want to
Speaker 1: say is sometimes life throws your obstacles. It can slow
Speaker 1: you down. Maybe you had to care for someone, maybe
Speaker 1: your mental health crumbled, maybe a dream fell apart, a
Speaker 1: relationship fell apart. They're not detoys, they're not ends of
Speaker 1: the road. They're all parts of your story. And it's okay.
Speaker 1: That's called the living in life, right. And I think
Speaker 1: one of the biggest things that we fall into believing
Speaker 1: is that speed equal success and that if we hit
Speaker 1: things by certain times of our lives relationships, jobs, etc.
Speaker 1: That that means we're successful. It doesn't. It doesn't mean that.
Speaker 1: It doesn't. Okay. What matters more than that is living
Speaker 1: a life that's fulfilling and growing and having peace in
Speaker 1: your life. And you can arrive at those things at
Speaker 1: different times of your life, in different ages, and it
Speaker 1: makes you equally as quote unquote successful. So taking longer
Speaker 1: in your life to get to places doesn't take away
Speaker 1: your credibility, your success, your journey it's okay. It's really okay.
Speaker 1: So if you're someone who's telling yourself you're behind, just remember, like,
Speaker 1: ask yourself the question I'm behind you? Who who am
Speaker 1: I behind? Right? Because you got to only measure your
Speaker 1: life to you and as long as you're living a
Speaker 1: life fulfilling and authentic, that's what matters. That is one
Speaker 1: hundred percent one matters. So you know, go through life
Speaker 1: one step at a time, live it. Trust in the journey.
Speaker 1: I really believe in that. Trust in the journey because
Speaker 1: you never know of why things are unfolding, but eventually
Speaker 1: you will have that aha and realize it. Keep building
Speaker 1: your life, and remember it doesn't have to happen on
Speaker 1: society's schedule. It doesn't. It only has to happen on yours.
Speaker 1: And once you realize that, mmm, baby, that is one
Speaker 1: of the most freeing realizations of all. I've Never Said
Speaker 1: This Before is hosted by Me Tommy Didario. This podcast
Speaker 1: is executive produced by Andrew Piglisi at Iheartrate and by
Speaker 1: Me Tommy, with editing by Joshua Colaudney. I've Never Said
Speaker 1: This Before is part of the Elvis Duran podcast network
Speaker 1: on iHeart Podcasts. For more rate, review, and subscribe to
Speaker 1: our show. And if you liked this episode, tell your friends.
Speaker 1: Until next time, I'm Tommy Dederio.