WEBVTT - Tommy Talk: STOP LIVING ON SOMEONE ELSE’S TIMELINE

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<v Speaker 1>Hey, guys, welcome to Tommy Talk. And today's topic is

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<v Speaker 1>stop a living by someone else's timeline. So this was

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<v Speaker 1>inspired by my producer's staff, And this is actually something

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<v Speaker 1>I'm seeing gen Z struggle with more and more with.

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<v Speaker 1>But I also think every group of people struggles with it.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm a millennial, and I know a lot of millennials

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<v Speaker 1>struggle with this too. I know everyone, I mean everybody.

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<v Speaker 1>This affects everybody for so many different ways, because I

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<v Speaker 1>feel like that we tend to sometimes look around and

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<v Speaker 1>compare ourselves to where people are in their lives, or

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<v Speaker 1>and think where we're supposed to be in our lives

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<v Speaker 1>based on that. Right, So maybe your friends are getting

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<v Speaker 1>married and you're still figuring out who you are, or

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<v Speaker 1>maybe someone your age just had a huge business win.

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<v Speaker 1>They sold a company, they made millions of dollars, they

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<v Speaker 1>bought a house, they're having their second child, and you're like, wait,

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<v Speaker 1>why am I doing any of that myself? Like why

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<v Speaker 1>has that not happened for me yet? Like what the hell?

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<v Speaker 1>Maybe you're someone who's at forty starting over in your career,

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<v Speaker 1>or at forty five, or maybe you're healing from a

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<v Speaker 1>really traumatic breakup from something that you thought was going

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<v Speaker 1>to be forever and it rattled you to your core

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<v Speaker 1>and it ended up not being the way you thought

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<v Speaker 1>it would pan out. Or maybe you're chasing a dream

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<v Speaker 1>that people told you you should have chased years ago,

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<v Speaker 1>but you feel like now is your time. I mean,

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<v Speaker 1>those things all happen, that's all still valid. And just

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<v Speaker 1>because those things are happening at different timelines or different

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<v Speaker 1>points of your life doesn't mean you don't have it

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<v Speaker 1>all figured out. It really doesn't. But somewhere along the way,

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<v Speaker 1>we tell ourselves, oh my god, I'm so behind in

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<v Speaker 1>my life. I'm so behind, Like, wow, what am I doing?

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<v Speaker 1>I'm a failure. No, that's not the case. That's not

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<v Speaker 1>the case. And in this time we talk, I want

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<v Speaker 1>to refute and challenge that, because I don't think you're

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<v Speaker 1>behind at all. I just think that we measure our

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<v Speaker 1>lives against people's timelines and against other people's lives that

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<v Speaker 1>were never ever meant to be ours. We're not meant

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<v Speaker 1>to live other people's lives. We're just not yet. We

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<v Speaker 1>put these invisible deadlines all around us, all around us.

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<v Speaker 1>You know, I can't tell you how many people in

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<v Speaker 1>my life over the years. People I love so much,

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<v Speaker 1>who are like the biggest catches in the world have

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<v Speaker 1>sacrificed who their dream person to be with is, and

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<v Speaker 1>they choose someone who doesn't treat them right, who has

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<v Speaker 1>a lot of red flags, the warning flags are very visible,

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<v Speaker 1>who they know deep down isn't being good to them

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<v Speaker 1>or isn't making them feel great. Yet they still choose

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<v Speaker 1>to carry on a relationship and inevitably, usually note out

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<v Speaker 1>of ten times it doesn't work out, and then their heartbroken,

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<v Speaker 1>and then there's the year of being heartbroken over that

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<v Speaker 1>because their hope and expectation of this working out did not,

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<v Speaker 1>So then there's that healing or they do end up

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<v Speaker 1>moving forward together, and then they get divorced very quickly

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<v Speaker 1>because they know they never really really were meant to

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<v Speaker 1>be deep down. And I think a lot of that happens,

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<v Speaker 1>and it's very human and there's no judgment there because

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<v Speaker 1>we do feel like there are timelines and deadlines and

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<v Speaker 1>oh my god, I'm thirty. I need to just make

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<v Speaker 1>this work, you know. I felt that in my relationship

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<v Speaker 1>in my twenties, I was with someone way longer than

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<v Speaker 1>I really wanted to be because I was like I

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<v Speaker 1>invested all these years in this relationship. So many people

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<v Speaker 1>I know are getting engaged and getting married. This just

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<v Speaker 1>is what life is. And you know what, I'm sure

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<v Speaker 1>everyone's relationships are like this. No they weren't, because it

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<v Speaker 1>wasn't a very healthy, good relationship. And I was trying

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<v Speaker 1>to force myself to believe that it was because of

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<v Speaker 1>societal pressures. And it's just so silly, because we don't

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<v Speaker 1>need to feel that way. We don't need to feel

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<v Speaker 1>that way. I am someone that I would I would

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<v Speaker 1>say I got kind of my biggest successes later in life,

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<v Speaker 1>and my family knows this, my friends know this. Like

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<v Speaker 1>I've always worked really hard and I've been on the

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<v Speaker 1>path to where I am today, but I've had a

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<v Speaker 1>very weird journey and unconventional journey for someone in my space.

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<v Speaker 1>And you know, like I didn't really start hitting this

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<v Speaker 1>stride in my career until I don't know, mid thirties,

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<v Speaker 1>which a lot of people would say is late. And

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<v Speaker 1>some of the biggest successes for me have really happened

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<v Speaker 1>in this chapter of my life at forty. So like,

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<v Speaker 1>that's a great example that you can't measure your your

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<v Speaker 1>worth and your value or feel like you're expired or

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<v Speaker 1>you're done if you haven't hit goals by a certain deadline.

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<v Speaker 1>And we we always put those deadlines on ourselves, right

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<v Speaker 1>like we're graduating by this sage, we're getting this job,

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<v Speaker 1>we have to find the person, we get married, buy

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<v Speaker 1>the house, we have kids, We climb the corporate ladder,

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<v Speaker 1>we retire, Like there's this whole structure in place for

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<v Speaker 1>our lives. And I think goals are amazing, and I

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<v Speaker 1>think striving for something bigger than yourself and that really

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<v Speaker 1>sets you up for a life you want is so important.

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<v Speaker 1>But when did we start turning life into a damn checklist?

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<v Speaker 1>When and if you don't complete it in like the

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<v Speaker 1>correct order or by the right age, you've failed. When

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<v Speaker 1>did we start doing that? I don't want to live

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<v Speaker 1>my life like a checklist. I want there to be

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<v Speaker 1>some spontaneity and excitement and twists and turns. I never

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<v Speaker 1>could have imagined I would be where I am in

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<v Speaker 1>my career ever. Ever, that's the beautiful thing about life.

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<v Speaker 1>It brings you to places that if you're open and

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<v Speaker 1>you work hard and you can pivot, you've never even

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<v Speaker 1>seen coming. That's what's gorgeous about life and if you

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<v Speaker 1>have such a rigid timeline, you can't always get there,

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<v Speaker 1>You really really can't. I could have settled down with

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<v Speaker 1>my ex for my twenties I was working corporate, then

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<v Speaker 1>I would have had a totally different life. I would

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<v Speaker 1>never have met my husband. I wouldn't be in the

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<v Speaker 1>entertainment space again that I left at the time. Like,

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<v Speaker 1>my life would have been a totally different life. I

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<v Speaker 1>think about that, and if it was that life, I

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<v Speaker 1>would have been miserable. I know I would have been

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<v Speaker 1>miserable one thousand percent. And how sad is that? Because

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<v Speaker 1>we have one life to live. How sad is that?

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<v Speaker 1>So by not following the quote unquote perfect timeline of

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<v Speaker 1>life that we have all put on ourselves, I was

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<v Speaker 1>able to go live a life that truly fulfills me.

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<v Speaker 1>That's the beautiful thing. That's the beautiful thing. And by

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<v Speaker 1>the way, who decided that love has to happen by

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<v Speaker 1>you know, twenty early twenties, You got to meet your

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<v Speaker 1>person and that success has to come to you by

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<v Speaker 1>thirty five? Like who set all this shit in place?

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<v Speaker 1>Cause I reject that. I reject these you know, social

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<v Speaker 1>parameters and barometers that people put in line. I really

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<v Speaker 1>do or that like reinvention is for people after college,

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<v Speaker 1>like I'm finding out who I am. No no, no,

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<v Speaker 1>no, no no. These are made up, false parameters put on

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<v Speaker 1>that aren't real. They're not real. And I want you

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<v Speaker 1>to think about this. Think about the people you admire

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<v Speaker 1>the most in your life, really think about them for

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<v Speaker 1>a minute. Chances are many of them didn't follow one

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<v Speaker 1>straight line. I can guarantee if you really dig into

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<v Speaker 1>some of the people you love and admire the most,

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<v Speaker 1>chances are they didn't. Of course, there's always expectations, right

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<v Speaker 1>like if you're a doctor or something like that, where

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<v Speaker 1>you have to go to school for a decade, it

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<v Speaker 1>feels like, yes, that's a very kind of planned life.

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<v Speaker 1>But chances are, again those people have always wanted to

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<v Speaker 1>do that, and that's something that they didn't like wake

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<v Speaker 1>up one day at sixty five and say I'm gonna

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<v Speaker 1>go be a doctor. Like it's something a lot of

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<v Speaker 1>people have a very focused perspective on, right, But a

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<v Speaker 1>lot of the people you admire most didn't follow a

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<v Speaker 1>straight line. They really didn't. I bet you some found

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<v Speaker 1>love later in life, like my beautiful aunt found love

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<v Speaker 1>and had a second chapter later in life and she's married.

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<v Speaker 1>She's not married, but she's with the man of her dreams,

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<v Speaker 1>and it's so beautiful to see her happy. Some people

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<v Speaker 1>started entirely new careers after decades in another field. Isn't

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<v Speaker 1>that amazing? Like that's incredible. That takes balls, that takes

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<v Speaker 1>gumption to just start over. Like God, I love that

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<v Speaker 1>so much. I love that some people became parents, maybe

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<v Speaker 1>totally unexpectedly, or maybe some chose not to be parents

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<v Speaker 1>at all, And that's cool too, because that's their choice, right.

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<v Speaker 1>Maybe some people who you and ire failed very publicly

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<v Speaker 1>before succeeding very privately. That's the other thing. We don't

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<v Speaker 1>always know people's journeys or struggles or wins, because not

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<v Speaker 1>everyone blasters it all over the internet. And I think

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<v Speaker 1>that's something we have to remember too. We don't always

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<v Speaker 1>see that side of it. We just see the timeline

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<v Speaker 1>that society puts on us. And with all of that

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<v Speaker 1>being said, those people's lives aren't delayed, or they're not

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<v Speaker 1>less deserving or worthy or successful. Their lives were unfolding,

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<v Speaker 1>their lives were happening, their lives were pivoting in different

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<v Speaker 1>directions and breathing, and you know, leading them to the

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<v Speaker 1>path they're meant to be on. So the problem isn't

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<v Speaker 1>that you're behind. You're not behind, Especially for my gen

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<v Speaker 1>zers who are listening today and who just graduated and

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<v Speaker 1>feel like, what's my purpose? Where am I going? What

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<v Speaker 1>am I doing? Enjoy this time, explore all different things,

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<v Speaker 1>do it all. Take it from me, someone who was

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<v Speaker 1>doing something very different when I grad to graduate a

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<v Speaker 1>college to now. You don't have to be exactly where

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<v Speaker 1>you're going to be in fifteen twenty years. You're probably

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<v Speaker 1>not going to be exactly where you're going to be,

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<v Speaker 1>and that's okay. So enjoy where you are now. Enjoy

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<v Speaker 1>the experience, learn grow, be a yes person. In terms

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<v Speaker 1>of work, do whatever you can do to learn whatever

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<v Speaker 1>industry or field you're in, Get the experience, get the knowledge,

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<v Speaker 1>work your ass off, and see where life takes you.

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<v Speaker 1>That's the exciting thing. Look at this chapter of your

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<v Speaker 1>life is exciting, like the world is your possibility. Who knows.

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<v Speaker 1>You might not even know where you're going to end

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<v Speaker 1>up because you haven't discovered it yet, and that's okay,

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<v Speaker 1>And that's okay. And don't rush love, don't rush marriage,

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<v Speaker 1>don't rush any of it. Like take your time to

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<v Speaker 1>see what works for you. One of my best friends

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<v Speaker 1>is fifty and had a baby. Always wanted a baby,

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<v Speaker 1>always wanted a baby. So she did. She had a baby.

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<v Speaker 1>She found a way to do it, and I'm not

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<v Speaker 1>going to talk about her journey because it's her business.

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<v Speaker 1>But she did it and she's so damn happy. So

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<v Speaker 1>you don't have to feel like you can't achieve or

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<v Speaker 1>get the things you want out of your life because

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<v Speaker 1>they're not happening by a certain age. Please take it

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<v Speaker 1>from me. Take it from me. The problem is we

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<v Speaker 1>compare ourselves to someone else's path. So I'm here to

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<v Speaker 1>tell you today, don't do it. Don't do it. It's hard.

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<v Speaker 1>It's hard when we see other people's engagement photos or

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<v Speaker 1>promotions or vacation highlights or career wins. If you're I

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<v Speaker 1>don't know, writing a book and someone else gets a

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<v Speaker 1>book deal, or I'm writing a script, I'm seeing people

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<v Speaker 1>getting script deals. It's not me like it's hard to compare.

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<v Speaker 1>I get it, I get it. But remember while you

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<v Speaker 1>see all that, you don't also see their anxiety, their

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<v Speaker 1>panic attacks, their loneliness, maybe relationships falling apart, the years

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<v Speaker 1>they struggle before you you quote unquote their overnight success, like,

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<v Speaker 1>you don't see all that, So you can't compare because

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<v Speaker 1>you really don't know what you're comparing yourself to. You

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<v Speaker 1>really really don't. And the last thing I want to

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<v Speaker 1>say is sometimes life throws your obstacles. It can slow

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<v Speaker 1>you down. Maybe you had to care for someone, maybe

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<v Speaker 1>your mental health crumbled, maybe a dream fell apart, a

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<v Speaker 1>relationship fell apart. They're not detoys, they're not ends of

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<v Speaker 1>the road. They're all parts of your story. And it's okay.

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<v Speaker 1>That's called the living in life, right. And I think

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<v Speaker 1>one of the biggest things that we fall into believing

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<v Speaker 1>is that speed equal success and that if we hit

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<v Speaker 1>things by certain times of our lives relationships, jobs, etc.

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<v Speaker 1>That that means we're successful. It doesn't. It doesn't mean that.

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<v Speaker 1>It doesn't. Okay. What matters more than that is living

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<v Speaker 1>a life that's fulfilling and growing and having peace in

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<v Speaker 1>your life. And you can arrive at those things at

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<v Speaker 1>different times of your life, in different ages, and it

0:11:48.600 --> 0:11:52.840
<v Speaker 1>makes you equally as quote unquote successful. So taking longer

0:11:52.960 --> 0:11:56.000
<v Speaker 1>in your life to get to places doesn't take away

0:11:56.760 --> 0:12:01.319
<v Speaker 1>your credibility, your success, your journey it's okay. It's really okay.

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<v Speaker 1>So if you're someone who's telling yourself you're behind, just remember, like,

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<v Speaker 1>ask yourself the question I'm behind you? Who who am

0:12:09.360 --> 0:12:14.000
<v Speaker 1>I behind? Right? Because you got to only measure your

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<v Speaker 1>life to you and as long as you're living a

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<v Speaker 1>life fulfilling and authentic, that's what matters. That is one

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<v Speaker 1>hundred percent one matters. So you know, go through life

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<v Speaker 1>one step at a time, live it. Trust in the journey.

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<v Speaker 1>I really believe in that. Trust in the journey because

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<v Speaker 1>you never know of why things are unfolding, but eventually

0:12:32.720 --> 0:12:35.800
<v Speaker 1>you will have that aha and realize it. Keep building

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<v Speaker 1>your life, and remember it doesn't have to happen on

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<v Speaker 1>society's schedule. It doesn't. It only has to happen on yours.

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<v Speaker 1>And once you realize that, mmm, baby, that is one

0:12:45.600 --> 0:12:52.480
<v Speaker 1>of the most freeing realizations of all. I've Never Said

0:12:52.480 --> 0:12:56.839
<v Speaker 1>This Before is hosted by Me Tommy Didario. This podcast

0:12:56.960 --> 0:13:00.760
<v Speaker 1>is executive produced by Andrew Piglisi at Iheartrate and by

0:13:00.800 --> 0:13:05.200
<v Speaker 1>Me Tommy, with editing by Joshua Colaudney. I've Never Said

0:13:05.200 --> 0:13:08.120
<v Speaker 1>This Before is part of the Elvis Duran podcast network

0:13:08.160 --> 0:13:12.280
<v Speaker 1>on iHeart Podcasts. For more rate, review, and subscribe to

0:13:12.320 --> 0:13:15.480
<v Speaker 1>our show. And if you liked this episode, tell your friends.

0:13:15.880 --> 0:13:18.680
<v Speaker 1>Until next time, I'm Tommy Dederio.