1 00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:04,360 Speaker 1: Instead of trying to find love, we have to choose 2 00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:09,680 Speaker 1: to create love. Instead of trying to expect love, we 3 00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:20,800 Speaker 1: have to find ways to express love. So today's theme 4 00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:29,760 Speaker 1: is all about the power of support, the power of support, 5 00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:37,839 Speaker 1: our support system, our support network, our support community. And 6 00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:42,000 Speaker 1: isn't it fascinating that we use the words support system, 7 00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:47,440 Speaker 1: but we don't always create a system of support. We 8 00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:51,159 Speaker 1: have friends, we have family, we have the people we 9 00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:54,920 Speaker 1: work with, but we don't have a system of how 10 00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:57,800 Speaker 1: to seek support, even though we call it that. We 11 00:00:57,920 --> 00:01:02,120 Speaker 1: call it a support network, but our network is often 12 00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:05,200 Speaker 1: quite limited as to the types of people we have 13 00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:07,760 Speaker 1: access to or the types of people we have a 14 00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:13,400 Speaker 1: relationship with. So it's really intriguing that we have language 15 00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:18,959 Speaker 1: that describes effectively what we need, but in our practice, 16 00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:23,480 Speaker 1: we don't actually have what we need. We may say 17 00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:26,399 Speaker 1: support system, but we don't have a system. We may 18 00:01:26,440 --> 00:01:29,319 Speaker 1: say support network, but we don't really have a network. 19 00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:32,680 Speaker 1: We have a few people. And today I really want 20 00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:36,520 Speaker 1: to talk about the power of support, how to find 21 00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:42,000 Speaker 1: people of equal vibration, how to energetically match These are 22 00:01:42,080 --> 00:01:44,160 Speaker 1: questions that I'm sure in your mind, like when you 23 00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:47,360 Speaker 1: meet someone, how do you know that there is an 24 00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:50,800 Speaker 1: energetic match when you connect with someone. How do you 25 00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:55,400 Speaker 1: know that you are of equal frequency or equal vibration, 26 00:01:55,760 --> 00:01:59,320 Speaker 1: or even if not equal but aligned. How many times 27 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:00,760 Speaker 1: have you have a thought of that? How many of 28 00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:03,120 Speaker 1: you have ever had that idea in your head where 29 00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:05,800 Speaker 1: you're like, I like this person, but I'm not quite 30 00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:09,040 Speaker 1: sure if we're on the same frequency. I want to 31 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:14,960 Speaker 1: share with you some scientific reasons of why the quality 32 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:18,480 Speaker 1: of our relationships are good for us. And the reason 33 00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:20,800 Speaker 1: I'm doing this is because I think more of us 34 00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:25,399 Speaker 1: have challenges in our relationships. We may have toxic elements 35 00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:29,240 Speaker 1: in our relationships or unhealthy elements in our relationships than 36 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:32,600 Speaker 1: healthier ones across the board, and it's important for us 37 00:02:32,639 --> 00:02:37,640 Speaker 1: to understand the benefits of healthy relationships. One of them 38 00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:42,960 Speaker 1: is actually longevity, and studies show that people, particularly men, 39 00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:48,160 Speaker 1: are healthier when they're married and they live longer, says 40 00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:53,120 Speaker 1: the researcher Jones. And a lot of the longevity studies 41 00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:59,520 Speaker 1: show that being in a loving long term relationship reduces stress. 42 00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:03,400 Speaker 1: It helps us give up bad habits and we actually 43 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:07,400 Speaker 1: adopt more positive abits. Another thing that's really interesting about 44 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:11,079 Speaker 1: having positive relationships, not just romantic ones, is that we 45 00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:18,200 Speaker 1: actually accelerate our healing process. Benjamin Steinberg, MD says, generally 46 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:23,000 Speaker 1: we see patients with strong social support having better recoveries. 47 00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:25,600 Speaker 1: And by the way, that happens to all of us 48 00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:30,480 Speaker 1: at different times. We all at different times need support 49 00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:35,640 Speaker 1: in different ways. And Steinberg attributes improved recovery to lower 50 00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:41,320 Speaker 1: levels of stress hormones like cortisol. Now, moving forward, we 51 00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:45,800 Speaker 1: find that it also impacts our biology. Having positive, healthy 52 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:51,640 Speaker 1: relationships reduces our blood pressure. Now, one of the researchers 53 00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:55,280 Speaker 1: talks about how we know that sudden negative emotions can 54 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:59,120 Speaker 1: lead to sensations mimicking a heart attack also known as 55 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:03,360 Speaker 1: broken heart syndrome, and Steinberg says it stands to reason 56 00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:07,080 Speaker 1: the opposite is true as well. Additionally, people feeling love 57 00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:11,320 Speaker 1: are more relaxed and more likely to engage in exercise 58 00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:15,480 Speaker 1: or other activities beneficial to the heart. Now here's the challenge. 59 00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:20,440 Speaker 1: We hear this, we read this, we study this, and 60 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:24,200 Speaker 1: we think, but no one loves me. But why aren't 61 00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:26,320 Speaker 1: there more people who show me this kind of love. 62 00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:29,320 Speaker 1: I need to find people who show me love. That's 63 00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:33,800 Speaker 1: what our instinct suggests is the method. I have a 64 00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:38,919 Speaker 1: lack of this, let me fill this when in reality, 65 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:43,120 Speaker 1: instead of trying to find love, we have to choose 66 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:48,880 Speaker 1: to create love. Instead of trying to expect love, we 67 00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:54,200 Speaker 1: have to find ways to express love. Instead of hoping 68 00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:58,440 Speaker 1: to meet someone who is loving, we have to make 69 00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:04,840 Speaker 1: space for creating loving experiences. We have to construct our 70 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:09,279 Speaker 1: support system. You don't just have one. You don't find one, 71 00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:15,839 Speaker 1: you create one. Today is all about the power of support. 72 00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:20,680 Speaker 1: But support, funnily enough, is something you have to create, 73 00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:23,160 Speaker 1: something you have to adopt, something you have to build, 74 00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:29,120 Speaker 1: and then you receive the support back. Positive relationships result 75 00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:33,159 Speaker 1: in a stronger immune system. Studies show that people who 76 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:38,279 Speaker 1: engage in supportive positive relationships produce more oxytocin and they're 77 00:05:38,360 --> 00:05:41,159 Speaker 1: less likely to succumb to the negative effects of stress 78 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:48,240 Speaker 1: and anxiety. It's really important to understand these aspects of 79 00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:52,560 Speaker 1: the science behind positive relationships because I think we all 80 00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:58,040 Speaker 1: underestimate the negative. Often we let something toxic remain in 81 00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:01,919 Speaker 1: our life for months, if not years. We experienced the 82 00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:07,279 Speaker 1: emotional pain, but we also don't realize the physical biological 83 00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:12,279 Speaker 1: challenges that are being adopted. So studies show that we 84 00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:15,400 Speaker 1: actually feel less pain when we have beautiful relationships. A 85 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:21,680 Speaker 1: behavioral study demonstrated that the presentation of romantic partner pictures 86 00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:28,000 Speaker 1: were sufficient to reduce experimentally induced pain. So relationships help 87 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:30,760 Speaker 1: us get through pain. Relationships help us get through stress. 88 00:06:30,839 --> 00:06:34,240 Speaker 1: Relationship help us get through anxiety. So of course there 89 00:06:34,279 --> 00:06:38,480 Speaker 1: should be something that we should be developing and investing 90 00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:41,360 Speaker 1: in our lives. How many of us truly believed that 91 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:47,920 Speaker 1: we are investing in healthy relationships. Investing in healthy relationships 92 00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:53,640 Speaker 1: doesn't just mean spending time, It means creating ways of 93 00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:59,280 Speaker 1: having more powerful relationship exchanges and experiences. I want to 94 00:06:59,279 --> 00:07:04,520 Speaker 1: talk a bit about what are the qualities of healthy 95 00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:09,600 Speaker 1: and unhealthy relationships so that you can spot them, so 96 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:11,720 Speaker 1: that you can be aware of them, because I think 97 00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:14,720 Speaker 1: that's what we often don't recognize. What we recognize is 98 00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:18,000 Speaker 1: what we think someone is like as a person. We 99 00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:21,200 Speaker 1: don't look at what they're like as being in a 100 00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:25,240 Speaker 1: relationship with them. This is a really subtle point, and 101 00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:28,040 Speaker 1: I really want you to understand it and take it in. 102 00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:32,880 Speaker 1: When you're looking to have a relationship with someone, you're 103 00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:36,840 Speaker 1: looking at them and what they're like, rather than what 104 00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:40,320 Speaker 1: they're like to have a relationship with. I'll give you 105 00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:44,000 Speaker 1: a really simple example, I'm holding a pen, and this 106 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:47,240 Speaker 1: pen is a sharpie pen. I'm sure you've seen a 107 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:52,600 Speaker 1: sharpie before, and let's say from Afar. The sharpie looks 108 00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:56,600 Speaker 1: esthetically beautiful, and I say, that's a beautiful pen. But 109 00:07:56,720 --> 00:08:00,600 Speaker 1: then when I hold it, I have a different relationship 110 00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:02,360 Speaker 1: with it. Now that i'm holding it, I'm not just 111 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,200 Speaker 1: looking at it. I'm not just viewing it. I'm not 112 00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:07,200 Speaker 1: just observing it. When I hold it, I may say 113 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:10,560 Speaker 1: that feels really uncomfortable. It doesn't. It's beautiful, but I 114 00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:15,840 Speaker 1: may think that feels really uncomfortable. That isn't what I expected, 115 00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:19,400 Speaker 1: And holding the pen is more important than what the 116 00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:22,400 Speaker 1: pen looks like. It's kind of like when we buy 117 00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:28,640 Speaker 1: something because it esthetically is stunning but functionally doesn't solve 118 00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:30,680 Speaker 1: the problem. I'm sure you bought a piece of furniture, 119 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:35,520 Speaker 1: you bought a chair or a couch that you were 120 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:38,199 Speaker 1: just like, this looks stunning. It looks like all the catalogs, 121 00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:40,840 Speaker 1: it looks like all the websites. It looks like that 122 00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:44,480 Speaker 1: home store that you love visiting, but you don't like 123 00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:49,079 Speaker 1: sitting on it. That's kind of like people. We observe 124 00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:52,360 Speaker 1: people for how they look and what they come across 125 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:56,400 Speaker 1: as and how they appear, but we don't really understand 126 00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:59,400 Speaker 1: what they're like to have a relationship with them. And 127 00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:03,160 Speaker 1: I'm not just romantic relationships. I'm talking about friendships, I'm 128 00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:07,600 Speaker 1: talking about business, I'm talking about community, tribe, squad. And 129 00:09:07,679 --> 00:09:11,600 Speaker 1: so the reason I'm sharing this is just because someone 130 00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:16,760 Speaker 1: appears to be trustworthy, just because someone appears to be 131 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:20,560 Speaker 1: a nice human being, you have to observe what they're 132 00:09:20,679 --> 00:09:28,199 Speaker 1: like in relationships in connection to really understand whether this 133 00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:32,520 Speaker 1: has longevity. And I'm so glad that this is resonating 134 00:09:32,559 --> 00:09:34,880 Speaker 1: with you. I hope that this is resonating with you. 135 00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:40,800 Speaker 1: I hope that you're listening, going yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. 136 00:09:41,559 --> 00:09:45,319 Speaker 1: So let's talk about the signs from a scientific perspective 137 00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:51,040 Speaker 1: of healthy and unhealthy relationships. Have you ever had one 138 00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:54,800 Speaker 1: bad moment spoil your entire day or felt overwhelmed for 139 00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:58,040 Speaker 1: no reason? What about stress or anxious over that big 140 00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:02,040 Speaker 1: moment or difficult conversation? You should try meditation. And I 141 00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:04,760 Speaker 1: know what you're thinking, Jay, you used to be a monk. 142 00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:06,400 Speaker 1: I don't have time to sit in the woods for 143 00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:09,280 Speaker 1: hours doing nothing, but really all the time you need 144 00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:12,200 Speaker 1: to start your own mindfulness practice is seven minutes a 145 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:15,960 Speaker 1: day with the Daily j my daily guided meditations on 146 00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:18,440 Speaker 1: the car map. You don't need to close your eyes 147 00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:21,000 Speaker 1: or find a special seat. You can try it while 148 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,840 Speaker 1: you brush your teeth, do the dishes, or walk your dog. 149 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:26,120 Speaker 1: My goal in seven minutes a day is to help 150 00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:29,320 Speaker 1: you find a calm and feel grounded in your busy world, 151 00:10:29,679 --> 00:10:33,160 Speaker 1: plant beautiful intentions for an abundant life and simple steps 152 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:35,959 Speaker 1: for positive actions to get you closer to the life 153 00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:38,360 Speaker 1: of your dreams. Here's what one of the listeners of 154 00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:42,199 Speaker 1: the Daily Jay had to say about their meditation. Wow, 155 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,880 Speaker 1: I just had a super hard day at work and 156 00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:47,760 Speaker 1: couldn't get my boss's comments out of my head. Then 157 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:50,600 Speaker 1: I did the Daily JA, which related to my work issues, 158 00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:53,080 Speaker 1: opened my eyes at the end of the session and 159 00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:57,559 Speaker 1: felt renewed again. Previously today would have destroyed my whole weekend. 160 00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:00,839 Speaker 1: Meditate with me by going to Calm Doc forward slash 161 00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:04,760 Speaker 1: Jay to get forty a Calm Premium membership. That's only 162 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:08,320 Speaker 1: forty two dollars for the whole year for daily guided meditations. 163 00:11:08,679 --> 00:11:14,199 Speaker 1: Experience the Daily j only on Calm. So The studies 164 00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:24,239 Speaker 1: show that healthy relationships have a sense of mutual respect. 165 00:11:24,679 --> 00:11:30,120 Speaker 1: And I think we don't really understand what respect means. 166 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:37,120 Speaker 1: We think of respect as people being courteous, kind, respectful, 167 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:42,000 Speaker 1: but respect is much deeper than that. And I always 168 00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:48,000 Speaker 1: liked looking at dictionary definitions because they change my view 169 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:51,720 Speaker 1: of something. Listen to the dictionary definition of respect and 170 00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:55,200 Speaker 1: compare it to the definition you currently practice or the 171 00:11:55,559 --> 00:12:01,360 Speaker 1: action suggest that you practice a feeling of deep admiration 172 00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:10,320 Speaker 1: for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements. 173 00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:14,440 Speaker 1: And I would say in a relationships, it's really not 174 00:12:14,559 --> 00:12:19,920 Speaker 1: about their abilities or their achievements. Those are appearances. It's 175 00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:24,800 Speaker 1: about their qualities and their action. So we judge people 176 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:31,320 Speaker 1: by their abilities and their achievements, yet their qualities and 177 00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:35,199 Speaker 1: their action are better signs of who they are. So 178 00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:38,079 Speaker 1: when you're perceiving someone, I want you to ask the 179 00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:43,319 Speaker 1: question are you being currently impressed by their abilities and achievements? 180 00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:48,079 Speaker 1: Because what we do is we assign people. We prescribe. 181 00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:52,360 Speaker 1: We predict that someone has certain qualities because of their 182 00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:57,280 Speaker 1: abilities and their achievements. If someone is a good communicator, 183 00:12:57,360 --> 00:13:01,160 Speaker 1: we assume their trustworthy. If someone is a good writer, 184 00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:08,559 Speaker 1: we assume they're thoughtful. If someone is good at project management. 185 00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:12,000 Speaker 1: We assume that they'll be organized at home, so we 186 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:17,840 Speaker 1: assign their abilities and their achievements qualities. But qualities and 187 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:22,080 Speaker 1: action are really what we need to observe in a relationship. 188 00:13:22,559 --> 00:13:28,240 Speaker 1: So respect is do you really respect a person's values 189 00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:32,840 Speaker 1: and their boundaries. Someone may have a boundary, They may 190 00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:37,280 Speaker 1: have a particular barrier that they don't want to cross. 191 00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:41,120 Speaker 1: Do you respect that? Do you also know your own 192 00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:45,520 Speaker 1: so that they have something to respect. It's really interesting 193 00:13:45,559 --> 00:13:50,280 Speaker 1: to me how often we want people to respect us, 194 00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:52,680 Speaker 1: but then when they're sharing their opinion, we don't have 195 00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:55,600 Speaker 1: the time to listen to it. So respect is so 196 00:13:55,679 --> 00:13:59,600 Speaker 1: much more deeper than just being cordial or courteous with 197 00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:02,440 Speaker 1: each other. It's the idea of do I give that 198 00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:05,760 Speaker 1: person the opportunity to speak. Do I accept that even 199 00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:08,640 Speaker 1: if their belief is different to mine, I am open 200 00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:11,720 Speaker 1: to hearing it. If you're not open to hearing someone 201 00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:14,840 Speaker 1: else's perspective, then that is a lack of sign of respect, 202 00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:18,400 Speaker 1: no matter what that perspective is. I'm not saying you 203 00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:21,440 Speaker 1: have to agree with their perspective. I'm not saying that 204 00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:24,840 Speaker 1: you have to encourage their perspective. But if you want 205 00:14:24,840 --> 00:14:26,960 Speaker 1: to build a relationship with someone, If you want to 206 00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:28,880 Speaker 1: build a relationship with the people around you in a 207 00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:32,200 Speaker 1: deep way, we have to be okay and open to 208 00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:35,040 Speaker 1: hear their thoughts, and we can't just respect them because 209 00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:36,960 Speaker 1: they like us. We have to respect that they have 210 00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:41,400 Speaker 1: boundaries as well. So a healthy relationship is one where 211 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:44,960 Speaker 1: you feel you can be honest without being judged, and 212 00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:47,240 Speaker 1: that someone else can be honest with you even if 213 00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:52,040 Speaker 1: they disagree, without being judged. A healthy relationship is also 214 00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:55,800 Speaker 1: one where you feel clear stating your boundaries and you 215 00:14:55,880 --> 00:15:01,280 Speaker 1: feel clear accepting someone else's boundaries, So spect is really important. 216 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:08,120 Speaker 1: The second one to me is honesty. But honesty is 217 00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:12,520 Speaker 1: something that everyone says they want, but when someone's honest 218 00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:16,840 Speaker 1: with you, we judge them for it. I remember being 219 00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:20,840 Speaker 1: friends with someone who always said they wanted to be 220 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:23,960 Speaker 1: with an honest man, and she would always tell me, 221 00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:25,440 Speaker 1: I just want to be with someone who's honest. I'm 222 00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:27,400 Speaker 1: tired of having people who lied to me. I'm tired 223 00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:31,200 Speaker 1: of having people who hide things from me. She started 224 00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:35,200 Speaker 1: dating this guy and within a month he told her 225 00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:39,880 Speaker 1: that he had a porn addiction, and he was really 226 00:15:39,880 --> 00:15:42,880 Speaker 1: open about how long it had affected him how he 227 00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:46,160 Speaker 1: wasn't proud of it, he wasn't happy about it, he 228 00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:48,680 Speaker 1: wanted to change it. He felt a lot of guilt, 229 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:53,920 Speaker 1: and he expressed just how much since he'd been talking 230 00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:59,160 Speaker 1: to this friend of mine that his addiction had reduced. Now, 231 00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:03,880 Speaker 1: that was a shock for her. She wasn't expecting that, 232 00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:07,360 Speaker 1: and she probably was surprised by that level of honesty 233 00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:10,440 Speaker 1: within a month. And what I ended up happening is 234 00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:13,240 Speaker 1: she actually closed off. She judged him for his addiction. 235 00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:17,800 Speaker 1: Now what happens in that cycle, someone is honest about 236 00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:22,760 Speaker 1: something that is tough to receive, we shut down and 237 00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:27,000 Speaker 1: distance ourselves. Now that person never wants to be honest again. 238 00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:30,120 Speaker 1: A lot of people that are dishonest today, or I 239 00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:33,240 Speaker 1: would say not dishonest, I would say people who may 240 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:36,600 Speaker 1: hide certain things, or may not feel comfortable sharing certain things. 241 00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:39,800 Speaker 1: It's because at one point they shared something and there 242 00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:43,520 Speaker 1: was backlash. At one point they shared something, they opened 243 00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:48,200 Speaker 1: up their heart and someone didn't receive it with compassion, 244 00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:51,440 Speaker 1: with kindness, And now they're scared. Now they never ever 245 00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:54,160 Speaker 1: want to share it again because they think that people 246 00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:57,480 Speaker 1: are always going to treat them that way. They're scared 247 00:16:57,520 --> 00:17:01,280 Speaker 1: that people are always going to posest things that way. 248 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:07,360 Speaker 1: So honesty means creating space for honesty and being honest ourselves. 249 00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:11,040 Speaker 1: Are we honest? It's not that that my friends should 250 00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:13,240 Speaker 1: have just taken it really well and being okay with it. 251 00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:15,840 Speaker 1: That's not what I'm saying. But we have to at 252 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:19,200 Speaker 1: least respect the act of honesty. If we're saying we 253 00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:25,720 Speaker 1: think a healthy relationship has honesty. Real honesty is when 254 00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:30,840 Speaker 1: what that person thinks, what they says, and what they 255 00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:36,360 Speaker 1: do is aligned. That is real honesty. And a lot 256 00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:41,560 Speaker 1: of people struggle with that type of honesty because most 257 00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:46,040 Speaker 1: people are thinking one thing, saying another thing, and doing 258 00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:50,280 Speaker 1: a completely different thing, including us, including us, right, how 259 00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:54,159 Speaker 1: many of you agree that you think one thing, but 260 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:57,720 Speaker 1: you say another thing and you do another thing. This 261 00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:01,960 Speaker 1: tension or this lack of alignment in our own lives 262 00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:04,960 Speaker 1: results in what we experience from others as well. So 263 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:08,359 Speaker 1: most people are misaligned in that way. One of the 264 00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:10,359 Speaker 1: things that I think is really healthy in relationships is 265 00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:14,000 Speaker 1: having this conversation. I really set a precedence with my 266 00:18:14,119 --> 00:18:16,840 Speaker 1: business relationships from the beginning saying Hey, I'm really honest 267 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:20,960 Speaker 1: in business, I'm really transparent, I'm really opinionated. I will 268 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:22,680 Speaker 1: tell you this is how I like to work. Are 269 00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:25,640 Speaker 1: you comfortable with that? Are you okay with that? And 270 00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:29,440 Speaker 1: I find that being self aware and then expressing my 271 00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:33,080 Speaker 1: self awareness saves everyone a lot of time, and then 272 00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:36,679 Speaker 1: it allows someone else to be honest back with me 273 00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:40,600 Speaker 1: as well, because I have initiated honesty. And that's what 274 00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:44,280 Speaker 1: I meant about creating honesty, building honesty, rather than looking 275 00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:48,000 Speaker 1: for honesty. If you construct a relationship saying I really 276 00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:51,920 Speaker 1: respect honesty and here's something about myself that I'm being 277 00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:55,639 Speaker 1: honest about, You're more likely to incite it from someone else. 278 00:18:56,119 --> 00:19:03,440 Speaker 1: Another healthy trait of good relationships that is often undervalued 279 00:19:04,119 --> 00:19:06,000 Speaker 1: and not talked about as much. We talk a lot 280 00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:09,920 Speaker 1: about independence, that a good relationship is where both people 281 00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:13,440 Speaker 1: can be independent because we don't want to be codependent. 282 00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:17,080 Speaker 1: But what we don't realize, and I'm sure many of 283 00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:19,480 Speaker 1: you have heard about codependency, right, I'm sure many of 284 00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:26,359 Speaker 1: you have heard about codependency, And codependency exists because we 285 00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:30,280 Speaker 1: are fully dependent on the other person and we like 286 00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:33,399 Speaker 1: the fact that they're always there, they're always around. That 287 00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:35,919 Speaker 1: doesn't come because we're not independent. It comes from a 288 00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:40,359 Speaker 1: lack of individuality. So a healthy trait in relationships is 289 00:19:40,359 --> 00:19:46,280 Speaker 1: not independence. It's individuality. That someone is not dissolving their 290 00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:50,280 Speaker 1: identity because of a relationship. A lot of people say 291 00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:53,680 Speaker 1: I lost myself. I don't know who I am anymore. 292 00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:57,760 Speaker 1: I gave them everything, right, those statements that you hear, 293 00:19:58,760 --> 00:20:03,920 Speaker 1: they are a dissolution or a dissolving of our identity, 294 00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:08,560 Speaker 1: our individuality. Am I judging them for the fact that 295 00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:10,919 Speaker 1: they like to play video games? Am I judging them 296 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:14,800 Speaker 1: that they like to have a vacation in a particular way? 297 00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:17,000 Speaker 1: Am I judging them because of how they like to dress? 298 00:20:17,119 --> 00:20:21,480 Speaker 1: That is their individuality? And I find often that we 299 00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:25,680 Speaker 1: demand this for ourselves, but we don't often offer it 300 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:30,639 Speaker 1: to others. A lot of these things we demand for 301 00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:36,399 Speaker 1: ourselves but we don't offer to others. Independence is different 302 00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:41,119 Speaker 1: from individuality. Independence is this righteous feeling of I can 303 00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:44,639 Speaker 1: do it on my own. Individuality is I am my 304 00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:49,359 Speaker 1: own person? Right? There's a difference between I can do 305 00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:53,440 Speaker 1: things on my own, I don't need anyone to Even 306 00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:57,520 Speaker 1: when I have someone, I am still my own person. 307 00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:03,800 Speaker 1: Please respect the difference. The desire for independence and pushing 308 00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:12,600 Speaker 1: independence can often cause disconnection, but maintaining individuality is healthy 309 00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:17,840 Speaker 1: for everyone in the relationship. When we talk about healthy relationships, 310 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:22,040 Speaker 1: we often talk about good communication. And while I believe 311 00:21:22,119 --> 00:21:24,239 Speaker 1: that that's an obvious I mean, I don't even need 312 00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:27,120 Speaker 1: to explain that. Everyone knows that. I think it's really 313 00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:32,480 Speaker 1: important to set communication patterns and habits early on in 314 00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:35,840 Speaker 1: a relationship. How should we deal with when we come 315 00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:40,400 Speaker 1: across an issue we disagree with? How should we focus 316 00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:42,199 Speaker 1: on this? It's kind of like if you look at 317 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:45,119 Speaker 1: a sports team. A sports team has the way it 318 00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:48,680 Speaker 1: wants to play, but they also have a plan for, well, 319 00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:52,480 Speaker 1: what if our opponent plays this way? What if we're 320 00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:56,800 Speaker 1: surprised by bad weather, What if we are caught off 321 00:21:56,840 --> 00:22:01,399 Speaker 1: guard by a player getting sent off or injured. What 322 00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:06,840 Speaker 1: if we encounter something surprising that happens in the first 323 00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:09,879 Speaker 1: few minutes. Just because a team is fantastic at what 324 00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:13,199 Speaker 1: they do, they don't go into a space thinking that 325 00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:15,399 Speaker 1: they're going to win and crush and everything's going to 326 00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:20,920 Speaker 1: go great. No, they recognize, they truly deeply recognize that 327 00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:23,800 Speaker 1: they have to have a plan for things not quite 328 00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:26,760 Speaker 1: working out right. They have to have a plan for 329 00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:30,480 Speaker 1: things not working out. And so I find that communication 330 00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:33,000 Speaker 1: isn't about saying, oh, well, we communicate well, It's about saying, well, 331 00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:36,800 Speaker 1: do we have a plan for what happens when so 332 00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:40,720 Speaker 1: I call this? If this, then that plan. If this happens, 333 00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:44,960 Speaker 1: then we will do this. If this happens, then we 334 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:46,560 Speaker 1: will do this. Now, you don't have to think about 335 00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:50,920 Speaker 1: every possible circumstance under the sun, but understanding a few 336 00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:55,000 Speaker 1: of those is really really important. Now, for the next 337 00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:56,760 Speaker 1: few minutes, I want to talk about what are the 338 00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:00,560 Speaker 1: unhealthy things to look out for? Because I think what 339 00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:02,560 Speaker 1: we do is we try and create this balance, and 340 00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:05,359 Speaker 1: we think to ourselves, well, if the healthy things outweigh 341 00:23:05,359 --> 00:23:09,200 Speaker 1: the unhealthy things, then that's a good relationship. That doesn't 342 00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:11,520 Speaker 1: even count for a diet. I'll give an example. Let's 343 00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:14,880 Speaker 1: say you say, well, for breakfast and lunch, I'm going 344 00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:17,359 Speaker 1: to eat healthy, and then at night I'm going to 345 00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:21,120 Speaker 1: eat unhealthy. They don't just balance and equal each other out, 346 00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:26,240 Speaker 1: and you don't just become healthy slowly. There is deterioration. Slowly, 347 00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:31,000 Speaker 1: there is illness, disease, whatever it may be. If you 348 00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:32,720 Speaker 1: are choosing to say, well, I'm going to have a 349 00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:35,760 Speaker 1: pizza and fries for dinner every day, but I'm gonna 350 00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:38,359 Speaker 1: have a smoothie for breakfast, right, Like, that doesn't just 351 00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:43,560 Speaker 1: equal itself out. You don't cancel out the unhealthy foods 352 00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:46,560 Speaker 1: by because you have healthy foods, right. It doesn't work 353 00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:49,679 Speaker 1: that way. And so you don't just cancel out unhealthy 354 00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:52,600 Speaker 1: traits because there are healthy traits. Of course, there are 355 00:23:52,600 --> 00:23:55,040 Speaker 1: good and bad in every relationship. There's tough and easy 356 00:23:55,080 --> 00:23:58,600 Speaker 1: in every relationship. But there's a difference between really unhealthy 357 00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:03,480 Speaker 1: traits that I totally cause toxicity. Right. There's a sense 358 00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:05,240 Speaker 1: of like, I want to have something tonight that makes 359 00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:08,119 Speaker 1: me feel good, versus I'm going to eat something regularly 360 00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:13,000 Speaker 1: that's really really bad for me. There's treating yourself and 361 00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:16,520 Speaker 1: then there's hurting yourself. Right. You can have a treat 362 00:24:16,560 --> 00:24:19,320 Speaker 1: once in a while, but you're not going to allow 363 00:24:19,359 --> 00:24:21,280 Speaker 1: something to continue to be in your life if it 364 00:24:21,359 --> 00:24:24,639 Speaker 1: hurts you. Hopefully, I think we do. I think we 365 00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:29,400 Speaker 1: confuse what's a treat and what's hurt. Right, we confuse 366 00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:32,720 Speaker 1: what's a treat and what's hurt. I really want to 367 00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:35,720 Speaker 1: reflect on some of those unhealthy traits. So one of 368 00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:38,400 Speaker 1: them is a sense of control. It's where you don't 369 00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:41,600 Speaker 1: feel like you're in a partnership or a relationship, it 370 00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:46,680 Speaker 1: feels like you're being owned. Someone is controlling your actions, 371 00:24:46,760 --> 00:24:51,600 Speaker 1: what you wear, what you think, what you believe. By control, 372 00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:54,800 Speaker 1: how do you notice this? Oh no, no, don't wear that? 373 00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:57,760 Speaker 1: Oh no? Do you really need to spend time with them? 374 00:24:57,920 --> 00:25:01,320 Speaker 1: Oh god, they're the worst? Right like reacting to your friends, 375 00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:05,959 Speaker 1: reacting to the people in your life. Another one is 376 00:25:07,359 --> 00:25:11,840 Speaker 1: a sign of emotional irregulation. What I mean by that 377 00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:15,480 Speaker 1: is everyone goes through emotions. Everyone goes through bad days 378 00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:17,280 Speaker 1: where they can be more shut down. They can be down. 379 00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:21,840 Speaker 1: But if someone in their lack of emotional regulation, are 380 00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:24,880 Speaker 1: they hurtful? Are they offensive? Do they say things they 381 00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:29,080 Speaker 1: don't mean? Do they say things that are outlandish or extreme? 382 00:25:30,119 --> 00:25:34,720 Speaker 1: What I find is that saying hurtful things can become 383 00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:39,120 Speaker 1: a bad habit, and hearing hurtful things can become something 384 00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:41,960 Speaker 1: you become immune to, and that only gets worse and 385 00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:44,840 Speaker 1: worse and worse, because what that person wants is that 386 00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:46,639 Speaker 1: they want the bad to be really bad. But then 387 00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:48,199 Speaker 1: they're like, but no, things are good, right Like, we 388 00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:50,600 Speaker 1: just had a bad day. And that idea of we 389 00:25:50,680 --> 00:25:53,520 Speaker 1: had a bad day, but mostly we're good is not 390 00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:56,040 Speaker 1: the way it works. What really works is someone saying, well, 391 00:25:56,080 --> 00:25:57,800 Speaker 1: I don't want to have this experience again. I don't 392 00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:00,200 Speaker 1: want to be in this position again. And that's the 393 00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:02,439 Speaker 1: question you want to ask that person. One of the 394 00:26:02,440 --> 00:26:04,280 Speaker 1: things that I recommend couples do, and I do in 395 00:26:04,359 --> 00:26:08,000 Speaker 1: my own relationship a lot, is that every few days 396 00:26:08,040 --> 00:26:10,000 Speaker 1: and even every few weeks, I'll check in with rather 397 00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:12,600 Speaker 1: than I'll say, is this the relationship you want? Is 398 00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:14,440 Speaker 1: this the relationship you one? And I ask that question 399 00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:17,000 Speaker 1: myself as well, and then I ask myself, well, if 400 00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:19,439 Speaker 1: it isn't, what am I to do? What am I 401 00:26:19,600 --> 00:26:23,199 Speaker 1: willing to do? What am I open to do to 402 00:26:23,240 --> 00:26:25,199 Speaker 1: get to the relationship I want? Are you open to 403 00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:28,679 Speaker 1: that as well? That kind of conversation can save a 404 00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:34,200 Speaker 1: relationship and build a relationship. Of course, any type of sexual, physical, 405 00:26:34,359 --> 00:26:37,320 Speaker 1: verbal abuse is completely unhealthy. I don't even need to 406 00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:40,560 Speaker 1: repeat that, and I would say that, actually, I do 407 00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:42,560 Speaker 1: need to repeat that, because unfortunately too many of us 408 00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:45,520 Speaker 1: accept it because we don't believe we're worthy of more. 409 00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:48,439 Speaker 1: We feel that that is a part of love, because 410 00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:52,080 Speaker 1: that is the love we've been exposed to. So I 411 00:26:52,119 --> 00:26:56,480 Speaker 1: hope that today's session has had a huge impact on 412 00:26:56,960 --> 00:27:00,320 Speaker 1: your relationship. We've talked about the value of health, healthy 413 00:27:00,359 --> 00:27:04,560 Speaker 1: and unhealthy traits. What to look for right These are 414 00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:07,919 Speaker 1: the energy levels. If someone is operating on the energy 415 00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:11,480 Speaker 1: level of ownership, you can't construct a relationship out of that. 416 00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:16,520 Speaker 1: If someone is operating on the energy level of dishonesty 417 00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:20,120 Speaker 1: and disconnection. But here's the thing. You're not just trying 418 00:27:20,160 --> 00:27:22,440 Speaker 1: to judge it and see it in them. You're trying 419 00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:27,720 Speaker 1: to build it and create it within yourself. You're constructing 420 00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:30,879 Speaker 1: in the relationship. You're facilitating it to see if that 421 00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:33,280 Speaker 1: person's open to it. You can't just look for it 422 00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:36,200 Speaker 1: in them. You have to lead the way and see 423 00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:39,840 Speaker 1: if they're willing to lead with you, to grow with you, 424 00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:40,800 Speaker 1: to work with you.