Speaker 1: Swind Down with Janet Kramer did I'm Heart Radio podcast?
Speaker 2: So apparently I've been walking around with strap for about
Speaker 2: a month and a half.
Speaker 3: I didn't know that was dangerous to do that.
Speaker 4: I didn't know you could do that. I thought it
Speaker 4: would be debilitating.
Speaker 3: Well it has been.
Speaker 2: Did I not cry on the plane back from la
Speaker 2: And she looked over to me.
Speaker 3: I was like, I'm in so much pain.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm sorry.
Speaker 4: Just why wouldn't you get checked when it hurts for
Speaker 4: that long?
Speaker 2: Would you like to see my calendar mark you the doctor? I? Okay, so,
Speaker 2: but that's that's what can So that's what like also
Speaker 2: confuses me. So it's like a mystery. It's a mystery,
Speaker 2: like a deep lucy.
Speaker 3: Anyways, you can take it. It's so good.
Speaker 2: So I I mean, I'm not by the way, it's
Speaker 2: like all Champagne problems. But at the same time, I
Speaker 2: had no idea that it's the moral of the story is
Speaker 2: don't wait for your health get checked. Yeah, right, right,
Speaker 2: So about like a month and a half ago, I
Speaker 2: was complaining to her, I'm like, my my lymph notes hurt.
Speaker 2: So I was just chalking it up to drainage, allergies, whatever.
Speaker 2: Fighting off something right.
Speaker 5: Allergies is always the great excuse to not go get
Speaker 5: checked out. Oh it's just allergies.
Speaker 3: I'm fine, Yeah, totally.
Speaker 2: And I'm like, it's like the allergy season, you know,
Speaker 2: it's fall break, Like this is what this is, this
Speaker 2: is what it is, this is this is what it is.
Speaker 2: So yeah, went through that, and and then it kept
Speaker 2: getting worse. But I just kept popping Advil, like and
Speaker 2: I got to like eight hundred milligrams every four hours
Speaker 2: of Adville, so like, I probably.
Speaker 3: Have an ulcer now.
Speaker 1: I might want to watch that.
Speaker 2: But I was like, but I just honestly, I just
Speaker 2: I've I've been like, you know, a lot going on.
Speaker 2: And then but then one of the nights I couldn't sleep.
Speaker 2: I was like it was in my ear. So I
Speaker 2: was laying down and I'm like, I gotta get this checked.
Speaker 2: So I go to this walking clinic and I was
Speaker 2: telling her how long my lymph notes has been hurting
Speaker 2: and she's like, oh, that's very scary. She's like you
Speaker 2: need to go get an ultra sound. And I was like,
Speaker 2: I was like why. She's like, well, you could have cancer. Oh,
Speaker 2: And I was like I'm sorry, I'm about to bord
Speaker 2: a plane to Ireland, and this is the information that
Speaker 2: you're giving me right now, Like can we start with
Speaker 2: like strep or like some kind of do.
Speaker 4: You have other symptoms beyond intense.
Speaker 2: Sore throat so it's not it's okay. So like I've
Speaker 2: had a sore throat before, it wasn't a sore throat,
Speaker 2: like it was like just my glands, but when I
Speaker 2: would swallow, I'd feel it like in my lymph notes right, okay, yeah,
Speaker 2: so but that was it, I mean again and be
Speaker 2: the big of a fever. I'm like, oh, I don't know,
Speaker 2: I've been taking so much advil that I couldn't tell
Speaker 2: you if.
Speaker 4: I might maybe probably.
Speaker 3: Your body's age, yeah, like probably, so you know.
Speaker 2: And I'm like and I've been tired and stuff and
Speaker 2: so cut to So she's like, you know, you should
Speaker 2: actually go to your doctor.
Speaker 3: I'm like, well, I have to board a plane to Ireland.
Speaker 3: So I end up. I'm like, I was like, I'll
Speaker 3: see it, And how many times is I delaying the doctor?
Speaker 3: When I was even with you? After I kept I
Speaker 3: was like, you have to mean to.
Speaker 2: Go and I was like, I'm sure it's fine, like
Speaker 2: it's sure, it's fine. So anyways, go to Ireland blah
Speaker 2: blah blah, then go to Wilmington and then and then
Speaker 2: have a few days here go to La. But when
Speaker 2: I was in La, I was just like, I mean
Speaker 2: it it like it was so bad where I again
Speaker 2: at the plane, I just started crying because I didn't
Speaker 2: but I didn't know if it was like I'm I
Speaker 2: guess I'm in a lot of pain, and like the
Speaker 2: advil was then not doing anything anymore. And but also
Speaker 2: like I think my body was just like you're at
Speaker 2: the end of your travel now and now you're just
Speaker 2: going to completely shut down. So I I land and
Speaker 2: I'm like I have to go. So I have to
Speaker 2: somehow get Jason in time to pick him up, and
Speaker 2: then I have to get Joeli in time for bus stop.
Speaker 2: And I'm like, but I have to go to a
Speaker 2: walking clinic because I'm like, my I don't know what's
Speaker 2: going I'm dying. I don't know, like what's going on
Speaker 2: with me. I'm in a lot of pain. I just
Speaker 2: and then so I email the doctor. I was like,
Speaker 2: can you just write me a pain prescription medicine for something?
Speaker 2: And she's like, no, like, we can't do that.
Speaker 4: No, sorry, it works?
Speaker 2: Why and this is how why not? She was because
Speaker 2: you can't just mask pain with something, and I was like,
Speaker 2: yes you can. It's called alcohol.
Speaker 1: You don't do that.
Speaker 2: I don't, which is why I didn't drink. You don't
Speaker 2: drink when you have exactly I don't drink because I
Speaker 2: don't want to ask anything. So I was like, please, like,
Speaker 2: just give me a perk. And I'm like, okay, maybe
Speaker 2: I've got some percose to give me some like oxy
Speaker 2: or something like that. I'm like, I think I got
Speaker 2: some left over from my boobs. But I was like, no,
Speaker 2: well I'll get checked out. And she's like, well see
Speaker 2: if you have She's like you might have mono. She's like,
Speaker 2: you might have some strap. I'm like, I don't have
Speaker 2: strip like I have it had strap since fifth grade,
Speaker 2: like or I don't even like this is like not strap.
Speaker 3: I know because I know.
Speaker 2: So So anyways, I'm thinking of all those things, like
Speaker 2: how am I going to go from here to there?
Speaker 2: So I text Pamela and I'm like, hey, can you
Speaker 2: pick up Jolie when you pick up Harlow?
Speaker 3: She's like absolutely, I got you.
Speaker 1: Cool.
Speaker 2: Well there's an hour wait at the walking clinic, and
Speaker 2: she's like on my ass about you, and like the
Speaker 2: fucking proof it's their ful.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: So I'm like, Catherine, it's an hour way and so,
Speaker 2: and mind you, I didn't pack any snacks for Jase
Speaker 2: while I was there, so it's now past his dinner
Speaker 2: time and I've got a screaming kid. We're at the
Speaker 2: walk in clinic. I'm in so much pain. I'm like,
Speaker 2: just give me drugs, like it just gives me something.
Speaker 3: I'm in pain.
Speaker 2: So they take my blood, they do a strep test,
Speaker 2: everything else.
Speaker 4: Those are not fun.
Speaker 3: The strip test, yeah.
Speaker 1: They're not.
Speaker 3: If it's not a gonat want something that far back
Speaker 3: in my head?
Speaker 5: Okay, hey oh wow, there we go.
Speaker 6: That was that was That was a softball. It was
Speaker 6: a softball and it literally so anyways, I was like, cool,
Speaker 6: this is happening. Cut to I have strap, right, and
Speaker 6: she's like, yep, you have strap, blah blah blah. And
Speaker 6: then it comes to find out that my blood work
Speaker 6: so apparently I also had mono. So I've been walking
Speaker 6: around with Mono and then I got strap, so.
Speaker 1: So you may not have been walking around with strap.
Speaker 1: This whole time entry.
Speaker 2: No, I think the strap maybe probably just came. I
Speaker 2: don't know that my throat the last time. And she's like,
Speaker 2: your throat looks fine.
Speaker 1: Well, it can look fine and still have strap, unfortunately.
Speaker 1: But my guess is you've had mono for a month
Speaker 1: and then since you were your immunity was, your immune
Speaker 1: system was like down here and you were traveling, then
Speaker 1: you got strapped.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and also, you know, the.
Speaker 5: Glory times of strap in your life are when you're
Speaker 5: a kid and when you have kids. I don't know
Speaker 5: if they gave you the strap, but when you have kids,
Speaker 5: you're gonna get SPA.
Speaker 1: That's what I said. I said, I bet your kids.
Speaker 1: To check your kids.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean maybe, I mean they're still they're still
Speaker 2: confide it's not I'm not really sure. But the moral
Speaker 2: of it was when I got back, I mean, I
Speaker 2: literally poor Pamelin. When I went to go pick up Jolie,
Speaker 2: I was Jase was screaming in the backseat of the car.
Speaker 2: I am bawling because I think my body was just
Speaker 2: physically just shutting down from all the travel, all the
Speaker 2: different Like.
Speaker 3: I was like, She's like, how can I help you?
Speaker 3: I was like, I don't need your help, Like I'm fine,
Speaker 3: I've got it. She's like she was just like watching her,
Speaker 3: like have me drive away. She was like, I want
Speaker 3: to help you.
Speaker 4: I was like, I don't need that.
Speaker 5: You know what.
Speaker 1: I just realized, Yeah, that you're text to me that
Speaker 1: said it's an hour weight was not just like letting
Speaker 1: me know that it was gonna be an hour weight.
Speaker 1: It was like your way of being like, I need
Speaker 1: help but afraid to say it.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah.
Speaker 2: I have the hardest time of asking for help. And
Speaker 2: I talked to my therapist today about it because I
Speaker 2: ended up. I ended up asking for help. But it's
Speaker 2: weird that I couldn't ask my friends for help because
Speaker 2: I'm just I don't know what it is like. I'm
Speaker 2: just like, I don't want to inconvenience.
Speaker 1: Well, I think because when you're a mom and you
Speaker 1: have other moms, it's hard because you know they have
Speaker 1: other stuff too, or they have whatever, but you just
Speaker 1: gotta ask.
Speaker 2: And then I felt really bad because I when I
Speaker 2: came in the house, Julie's like, are you okay? And
Speaker 2: then I just again like body just like shut down,
Speaker 2: and I was like, mommy doesn't feel good, and then
Speaker 2: she just gave me the sweetest hug that I'll just
Speaker 2: like never forget, how like sweet like and how how
Speaker 2: much EmPATH she she had, empathy she had, and and
Speaker 2: then I remember and then I went in the tub
Speaker 2: and then I bowled for like another hour, and then
Speaker 2: I was good. I'm like, I just I think I
Speaker 2: think it was just a lot the last like month.
Speaker 1: You like called me this morning, You're like, all right,
Speaker 1: ready to go. I was like, oh, I thought we
Speaker 1: were still gonna be but.
Speaker 2: Like, nope, I'm on a moxicillin. I'm gonna keep on going.
Speaker 2: I told my therapist today, I was like she and
Speaker 2: she agreed with me. She's like, you you fight hard
Speaker 2: and you break hard.
Speaker 3: And I was like, yep, spectacular. Oh my god, it
Speaker 3: was a dream.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 2: We talked about it last week and it was just
Speaker 2: like such a dream like it was amazing.
Speaker 1: Can I also just preface for everybody listening. She had
Speaker 1: lots of COVID tests during this time, so she wasn't
Speaker 1: walking around with COVID.
Speaker 6: No.
Speaker 4: I was wondering about that too, because.
Speaker 1: Now I don't want people are thinking.
Speaker 5: I know, it's really dry in La. So almost every
Speaker 5: day you wake up with a sort of with your
Speaker 5: mouth open, like, oh my god, COVID. It's so it's
Speaker 5: every tiny little symptom you're so afraid of.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, but you had like what two or three
Speaker 1: COVID tests in that time.
Speaker 3: I had a bunch.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, so I've had a bunch.
Speaker 1: I want to make sure you don't you get hit
Speaker 1: up with that. Yeah.
Speaker 3: Well, you know, so last week.
Speaker 2: Catherine really got handed the uh kind of the end
Speaker 2: of the stick. So I figured it would be only
Speaker 2: fair if the favor was returned to me.
Speaker 3: And we have.
Speaker 2: A guest who was in the waiting room who has
Speaker 2: been married. How many times she's on her going on
Speaker 2: her fit, going on her with marriage, She's on TLC's
Speaker 2: addicted to marriage. So I am just excited to talk
Speaker 2: to her because I have no you just wait, I've
Speaker 2: just never I mean, I don't know what that's like
Speaker 2: to have a bunch of marriages, you know, no idea.
Speaker 2: So let's take a break and then bring her on. Hi, Amy,
Speaker 2: how are you Hi?
Speaker 7: I have to start off by honestly, can I just say,
Speaker 7: like I this is everything to me right now. I've
Speaker 7: read your book, I listen to your podcast. I am
Speaker 7: I steel super, super blessed to be talking to you
Speaker 7: right now.
Speaker 4: I have been.
Speaker 7: You've been honestly played a role in getting through some
Speaker 7: serious issues I've had with feeling like I have nobody
Speaker 7: to talk to. None of my girlfriends have been through
Speaker 7: what I've been through. Nobody can relate to me. They're
Speaker 7: there for me, they support me. I have somebody to
Speaker 7: talk to, but the relatability factor has really been missing
Speaker 7: for me. So this is a big deal.
Speaker 5: Wow, thank you.
Speaker 7: I feel like I have I feel like I'm talking
Speaker 7: to someone who you know what I mean, and who
Speaker 7: has walked down a similar path as me. And I
Speaker 7: know you were talking to Claire the other day because,
Speaker 7: like I said, I listened to this podcast and I
Speaker 7: just thought that was such a beautiful thing that you
Speaker 7: have someone that can truly relate to you. And it
Speaker 7: sounds like you guys just connected on so many levels
Speaker 7: and can relate to each other on so many levels.
Speaker 7: And so I'm excited that if something from good from
Speaker 7: the show comes for me putting myself out there and
Speaker 7: being vulnerable and being judged, like you just said, getting
Speaker 7: to just talk to you and talk to another female
Speaker 7: badass woman who's successful has her head on straight, is smart,
Speaker 7: is an amazing mother. But I'm not perfect. I do
Speaker 7: make mistakes and these are you know, this is where
Speaker 7: Amy isn't the best, you know what I mean. I
Speaker 7: don't make the best decisions for myself when it comes
Speaker 7: to relationships, and I just and so many times, and
Speaker 7: so it's nice to talk to somebody who can relate
Speaker 7: to me and I can relate to So thank.
Speaker 2: You well for I so appreciate you saying all that,
Speaker 2: and thank you and thank you for coming on too,
Speaker 2: and yeah, I hear you. I mean, it's it is.
Speaker 2: It's hard, and I say it with whenever I do
Speaker 2: talk about it, I mask my own shame around it
Speaker 2: with like laughing, you know, like even the beginning, like oh,
Speaker 2: we get to pay the favorite back like to me today,
Speaker 2: like make it, you know, because ha ha ha. I've
Speaker 2: been married and it's like I think there's like a
Speaker 2: lot of like I'm not and I was just telling
Speaker 2: someone because you know, like I'm back in the dating
Speaker 2: world now and it's like I have to re explain
Speaker 2: to someone like why I've made these really poor decisions
Speaker 2: and what I've learned from it, and like also like
Speaker 2: here we go, is he going to judge me now
Speaker 2: because of the past decisions I've made or the trauma
Speaker 2: or any of those things. And it's like, but when
Speaker 2: I do get judged, that's when the shame comes in.
Speaker 2: So now I'm trying to be like, you know what,
Speaker 2: if he does judge me, then I want to get
Speaker 2: to a place where I'm like and that. But instead
Speaker 2: of even getting to that place, I go, but you
Speaker 2: know what, I wouldn't take any even back. I've learned
Speaker 2: so much about myself and I'm really freaking proud of
Speaker 2: myself because I'm here, and instead of staying in things
Speaker 2: that were either abusive or toxic or just really bad relationships,
Speaker 2: I've grown in each one. And again, would we have
Speaker 2: wanted to not be in any of those relationships, Yeah,
Speaker 2: but we can at least talk about it and hopefully
Speaker 2: help and guide other people that have been in those situations.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 7: No, there's two sides to it, like you're saying, like
Speaker 7: one is I've carried around the shame with me for many,
Speaker 7: many years because my first marriage was at eighteen, right
Speaker 7: out of high school. My second one was by the
Speaker 7: time I was twenty one, So two of my four
Speaker 7: marriages were before I should have ever even been thinking
Speaker 7: about it, sure, you know, and like this is this
Speaker 7: is not just a twenty five minute conversation. You know,
Speaker 7: are past and what we've been through and why we've
Speaker 7: made the decisions we've made, and you know, but I did.
Speaker 7: I got married two times before, right before I was
Speaker 7: twenty one, and then I waited another. It's like eight
Speaker 7: years till the next one. But it's like I feel
Speaker 7: it's confusing because at times I feel super shameful and embarrassed,
Speaker 7: you know, because I feel like some people are going
Speaker 7: to say if they don't know me well enough, then
Speaker 7: they're going to judge me based off of that and
Speaker 7: say that that and assume that defines who I must
Speaker 7: be as a whole. And it's just not It's not
Speaker 7: just because I've made mistakes and relationships doesn't mean I
Speaker 7: suck at every other aspect of my life, you know,
Speaker 7: because I don't. I love super hard. I'm like, and
Speaker 7: when I read your book, I'm telling I had this
Speaker 7: huge epiphany that changed me, Jana, Like you said, I've
Speaker 7: never heard the term before, but addicted to love like
Speaker 7: that Before you said that, I was always trying to
Speaker 7: figure out what is wrong with me? What's wrong with me?
Speaker 7: Like I am an amazing partner. I sacrifice and compromise
Speaker 7: and nurture and love so hard in my relationships, but
Speaker 7: none of them seem to work out ever, you know.
Speaker 7: But when you said, you know you're the addicted to love,
Speaker 7: I was like, that's what I am. I love being
Speaker 7: in love. And that's not even just with a man.
Speaker 7: That's like my kids. I have three girls, Like I
Speaker 7: love my girls hard, you know, I love my girlfriend's hard,
Speaker 7: you know, just in different capacities. And I think one
Speaker 7: thing I've really learned, like out of the most recent divorce.
Speaker 3: Was how long was that marriage?
Speaker 7: For? That one was short? My second two were only
Speaker 7: eight months? In about ten months, you know, I mean.
Speaker 7: And again I went into all four of these marriages
Speaker 7: never wanting to get divorced. Like it wasn't like hey,
Speaker 7: I love having a wedding, or this is fun, or
Speaker 7: I want to be a princess or any of that crap.
Speaker 7: It was like, I really, I really thought I was
Speaker 7: in love, you know. And I and like you said,
Speaker 7: I want to really embrace being proud of being the
Speaker 7: kind of woman that someone can fall for quickly I've
Speaker 7: never pressured anyone to ask me. I've never you know
Speaker 7: what I mean, I've never forced anything. It's always been
Speaker 7: supernatural and we both just kind of fall into it
Speaker 7: super fast, you know. And so I think one thing
Speaker 7: I've learned recently is two things. I can love a
Speaker 7: man in different capacities, right, so I can have different
Speaker 7: levels of love for a man. I used to think
Speaker 7: that when I would meet a man and we connect,
Speaker 7: it that means, you know, we're exclusive, we're together, and
Speaker 7: I just dive in. And I'm a serial monogamist is
Speaker 7: kind of what I like to say too. I found
Speaker 7: that out about myself. I am a serial monogamist. Like
Speaker 7: I don't want to date around, I don't want to
Speaker 7: sleep around. You know, I met you, we connect, I'm
Speaker 7: going for this, like, let's see where this goes. And
Speaker 7: it would typically always end up in a committed relationship
Speaker 7: and then marriage. And I just have learned that it's
Speaker 7: okay for me to meet a man and maybe he's
Speaker 7: just going to be love at a different level or
Speaker 7: a different capacity, and it doesn't have to be that
Speaker 7: just because I like him or he's funny or we're
Speaker 7: having a good time together or whatever that that means
Speaker 7: we have to get married, you know, Let's give it
Speaker 7: some time and see what level, what level, and what
Speaker 7: capacity he really should be at, Like does he really
Speaker 7: deserve the kind of love that you Amy gives, which
Speaker 7: is not very common? And I'm super proud to say
Speaker 7: that it's not common the kind of love that I give,
Speaker 7: and so I'm really proud of that, and I'm really
Speaker 7: trying to learn to embrace the bye. That's why I've
Speaker 7: been married four times. I love super hard. I love
Speaker 7: to commit, you know, and I love to say yes
Speaker 7: when I feel like it feels right.
Speaker 2: Have you noticed a common thread in any of your
Speaker 2: past marriages, like with the men?
Speaker 7: Yes, one is I feel like that I attract men
Speaker 7: who are need me as much as they want me.
Speaker 7: I think like I feel like they're all and not
Speaker 7: saying that I don't that there's nothing wrong with me
Speaker 7: and I'm perfect, but you know what I mean, there's
Speaker 7: there's a kind of fixing that they all needed or
Speaker 7: we're looking for. So they were looking for a certain
Speaker 7: kind of love. I was looking for a certain kind
Speaker 7: of love and it was different. I don't need I'm
Speaker 7: a super happy person. I'm a healthy person. I'm big
Speaker 7: into healthy lifestyle. You know. I work at a gym,
Speaker 7: so I live a very healthy lifestyle. I'm not I
Speaker 7: don't have an I want to say I don't have
Speaker 7: an addictive personality. But I did find out through you
Speaker 7: that I am addicted to love for sure, and it
Speaker 7: just felt good again. It just felt good to be
Speaker 7: able to kind of sort of put a label on it,
Speaker 7: I guess, you know, because not knowing was the worst,
Speaker 7: like thinking something's wrong with me, you know, And it's like, yeah,
Speaker 7: addicted to love. I mean, if I was going to
Speaker 7: be addicted to anything, I would want it to be that,
Speaker 7: to be honest, you know, out of all the other
Speaker 7: things in life, it could be. I'm I'm grateful. That's
Speaker 7: that's the problem I have.
Speaker 2: If you want it as long as it's serving, yeah,
Speaker 2: in a in a healthy you know, in a healthy manner,
Speaker 2: because there's the part of it where it's the unhealthy
Speaker 2: addiction to love or you're like, for me, it's like
Speaker 2: I want it so bad that I've chosen wrong because
Speaker 2: of because of my own childhood traumas and my own
Speaker 2: needs for having that platonic family and for having you know, now,
Speaker 2: obviously that's that's gone. But you know, I I think
Speaker 2: there's something to be said about like the unhealthiness of
Speaker 2: like of it as well.
Speaker 7: Yeah, and I think I agree with you, like I
Speaker 7: think we have this in common as well. My biological
Speaker 7: dad left when I was two, you know, so I
Speaker 7: have I'm sure I have daddy issues, you know. I mean,
Speaker 7: I wouldn't say it affects me in my daily life.
Speaker 7: But what's funny about that with me, though, that I
Speaker 7: think is a little different, is that each of these
Speaker 7: four marriages I did end them. I was the one
Speaker 7: who wanted to end the marriage eventually. But I think
Speaker 7: that I even though a couple of them were short,
Speaker 7: there were there's two two that I oh in my
Speaker 7: engagement because I've been married four times plus an engagement
Speaker 7: that I broke off. There were three relationships that I
Speaker 7: thought so working hard almost. I mean, I woke up
Speaker 7: one morning after a couple of years of you know,
Speaker 7: going through some emotional abuse and things like that and
Speaker 7: sticking through it, is I think I'm actually scared to
Speaker 7: abandon somebody like I was. You know, I remember, like
Speaker 7: I can replay times in my head when I was
Speaker 7: a little girl, like my parents getting divorced when I
Speaker 7: was two. My dad's supposed to come pick me up,
Speaker 7: you know what I mean. I have my little backpack
Speaker 7: packed and you play it like this little scene out
Speaker 7: of a movie, and he never shows up, you know
Speaker 7: what I mean? And so you feel that I'm forty
Speaker 7: five years old and I still remember that moment when
Speaker 7: I was probably about three years old, that he just stopped,
Speaker 7: you know, wanting to be in my life and just
Speaker 7: never showed up literally, And so I I really I
Speaker 7: felt like, I don't want to do that to somebody,
Speaker 7: you know what I mean. I don't want to abandon
Speaker 7: somebody who has made a lot of mistakes. But they
Speaker 7: say they want to change, but then guess what, The
Speaker 7: changes never happen, you know, the change never happens. I hear,
Speaker 7: you know, empty promises and you know, and lies that
Speaker 7: they won't do this to me again. They won't treat
Speaker 7: me like that again, they won't do that again. I
Speaker 7: want to change. I want to be a better man.
Speaker 7: And so how do you turn your back on someone
Speaker 7: who says that they want to be better? You know
Speaker 7: that they want to change. You know, I'm not that
Speaker 7: kind of a person. So I never gave up on
Speaker 7: somebody until I literally physically almost cannot function anymore. That's
Speaker 7: how hard I really try to make it work, and
Speaker 7: it just never did for me.
Speaker 3: Yeah, no, I mean I hear all of that. Where
Speaker 3: are you at now? Like are you? Are you dating
Speaker 3: anyone right now?
Speaker 7: Gen is yeah, the guy that's and you know, and
Speaker 7: it'll be nice when all the episodisodes of air, and
Speaker 7: I can, you know, because the show is great, it's
Speaker 7: been an amazing I wanted it to be an opportunity
Speaker 7: for me to one be vulnerable like you can, right
Speaker 7: because it's been something that I've been so ashamed of
Speaker 7: for so long, you know. And so I really thought
Speaker 7: this came in front of me a few times and
Speaker 7: I was like, no, no, no, I don't I don't
Speaker 7: think it's I don't think that's going to be good
Speaker 7: for me to do that emotionally. And then I thought,
Speaker 7: you know what, Amy like the one, you still don't
Speaker 7: one hundred percent know what your calling is. You've been
Speaker 7: you're a mom, you know, you've been a wife, but
Speaker 7: what is your calling? And and I really want to
Speaker 7: use this platform and this opportunity to do what you've
Speaker 7: done for me right, which is put yourself out there
Speaker 7: and make yourself vulnerable. And when I felt so alone
Speaker 7: and like I had nobody to relate to, I was like,
Speaker 7: there's got to be other women out there that have
Speaker 7: been through what I've been through that feel like I
Speaker 7: feel alone because even though I would listen to you
Speaker 7: and read your book, I don't know you. You know what
Speaker 7: I mean. It wasn't like I had a girlfriend sitting
Speaker 7: next to me that understood what it was going through.
Speaker 7: So I just thought, at least if I can just
Speaker 7: put myself out there, let other women know. Look, there's
Speaker 7: a handful of us out there that have been had
Speaker 7: a crazy life, a crazy life. I've lived a lot
Speaker 7: more than most women have in relationships, have been through
Speaker 7: a lot, you know, and I don't want it to
Speaker 7: be in vain or wasted time or you know, because yeah,
Speaker 7: I mean, in this little conversation, just the cliff Notes
Speaker 7: version is it's been a lot, super heavy.
Speaker 2: I mean, I'd love to connect to off the podcast
Speaker 2: because I I remember having this conversation and it's always again
Speaker 2: now that I'm now that I'm single and dating in
Speaker 2: the dating world, and I remember, this is like the
Speaker 2: worst thing to say, but like I remember, one of
Speaker 2: the reasons why I didn't want to get divorced is
Speaker 2: because I was like, who would honestly want me after
Speaker 2: now three even though like in my mind I have
Speaker 2: been married once, like I always say, like you can't
Speaker 2: count the when I was nineteen stupid went to see Elvis,
Speaker 2: knew the guy for two weeks, you know what I mean,
Speaker 2: Like that's stupid. And then the other guy I married
Speaker 2: for a week walked down the album. Was like, well,
Speaker 2: this is not right and I need to end this now.
Speaker 2: Like those weren't marriages. But in the guy that I
Speaker 2: was like telling the stories, He's like, well, on paper
Speaker 2: like it was, And I'm like yeah, but like yes, fine,
Speaker 2: you want to do like on paper? Yes, on paper
Speaker 2: technically yes, but like how can you call those marriages? Yeah,
Speaker 2: you can't, like and I'm like, my last one, one
Speaker 2: thousand percent, I was married and we fought for seven
Speaker 2: fucking years, and like it ended, and I didn't want
Speaker 2: it to end. But you know, one of the reasons
Speaker 2: why that I didn't want to end it was because
Speaker 2: my ex and anyone else who I read in comments,
Speaker 2: it's like, oh my god, her third failed marriage and
Speaker 2: it's like and I shamefully take that on as my own.
Speaker 2: And I'm like, well, you're right, like who would want me?
Speaker 2: Just like my ex would say and my you know
Speaker 2: whoever else that I would that I have dated before,
Speaker 2: that's like, oh your past, like you know you're are
Speaker 2: you crazy?
Speaker 3: And like no, I haven't.
Speaker 2: I just fucking made mistakes and I loved and I
Speaker 2: you know, I I'm like, I'm sick of making apologies
Speaker 2: for it. I'm sick of explaining it. I'm I'm like,
Speaker 2: I'm tired. Love me now for who I am now,
Speaker 2: not for my past, Like I'm sick of like and
Speaker 2: I don't want to be like yeah, technically you're right,
Speaker 2: but I'm like no, I like and in my brain
Speaker 2: like fine, we want to be legal about it, fine,
Speaker 2: but like technically it's been one Like for me, I
Speaker 2: have had one marriage that is a marriage thing that
Speaker 2: I have worked for and tried and even if it wasn't,
Speaker 2: so be it.
Speaker 3: Who cares? Like I've learned, I've grown.
Speaker 2: I'm a different person than I was when I was
Speaker 2: nineteen and when I was twenty seven.
Speaker 3: Like it's just but but it had to.
Speaker 2: Have I'm like, fuck, I'm gonna have to have this
Speaker 2: conversation again where it's like this is who I was
Speaker 2: and I made you know, I've made mistakes, and like
Speaker 2: this is what I've learned. And I'm like, and I
Speaker 2: wait to see if I'm going to be judged.
Speaker 7: So I know the last thing either one of us
Speaker 7: wants to do is go through what we've been through again.
Speaker 7: Yeah right, Okay. So one way to look at that,
Speaker 7: and one way I would look at it in the
Speaker 7: future personally too, is that this is such a good
Speaker 7: way to dodge another bullet. Janna like to tell someone like,
Speaker 7: don't you want to you want to meet someone that
Speaker 7: loves as hard as you do?
Speaker 6: Right?
Speaker 7: I just keep a man imagining being loved the way
Speaker 7: that I love. Keep imagining being loved the way that
Speaker 7: you love, and think about that. Like I will sit
Speaker 7: in bed or if I'm taking a shower or whatever,
Speaker 7: and I'm like dreaming about imagining being loved the way
Speaker 7: I love because I know I'm damn good at it.
Speaker 7: I love super hard and I'm so good to the
Speaker 7: person that I'm with. And so if you tell someone
Speaker 7: that and they judge you or look down on you
Speaker 7: or frown on you, good bye, see you later. Let
Speaker 7: the door hit you on the way out. You know
Speaker 7: you dodged a bullet. You know you want someone who's
Speaker 7: been through some shit.
Speaker 2: I hear you, but the person that's like and I
Speaker 2: don't know if you've done this too, but I like,
Speaker 2: for me, like a big part of my stuff is
Speaker 2: like I want to be chosen so and then when
Speaker 2: someone doesn't and I'm like, but let me show you
Speaker 2: why I'm so lovable and why I'm so good and
Speaker 2: how like how much I can give and then I
Speaker 2: get in. But it's like that's my that's the work
Speaker 2: that I've done, you know, with the dating recently, be
Speaker 2: like okay, yep, you're right. My friends are always like
Speaker 2: stop like you like, don't you see like how much
Speaker 2: you're giving versus And it's like, okay, cause it's like
Speaker 2: we do.
Speaker 3: We give a lot.
Speaker 7: And yeah mostly.
Speaker 1: Flags instead of like, but let me prove it to you.
Speaker 7: I know, yeah, oh Redflox, Yeah so is Geno.
Speaker 3: Do we think he's the one.
Speaker 7: You're gonna have to have to wait me.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I know.
Speaker 1: I'm like this.
Speaker 7: You don't understand. When I was about to cut when
Speaker 7: I heard that I was coming on your podcast. I
Speaker 7: was like, this is going to be so hard because
Speaker 7: I can't, like, I can't say everything I want to say.
Speaker 1: So wait, you waited to tell Gino about your past marriages?
Speaker 3: Correct?
Speaker 1: Is that that's how I understand.
Speaker 7: It and exactly why what Janna is saying, Like I
Speaker 7: just relate to her so much and I should know better,
Speaker 7: we should know better, Like I should be cool with
Speaker 7: just going yeah, I mean, guess what, I've been married
Speaker 7: four times. Sorry, I'm you know, sorry, I'm not sorry,
Speaker 7: but it is it is who I am. I love
Speaker 7: super hard, and you know, when someone asked me, I
Speaker 7: say yes, and I go with it. I go with
Speaker 7: what my heart's telling me to do. I don't think,
Speaker 7: I mean, love is not up here. It's here for me,
Speaker 7: you know. And so I think with my heart and
Speaker 7: I act with my heart and I lead with my heart.
Speaker 7: But I wish, I wish I could have just said
Speaker 7: in the beginning, hey, you know, this is kind of
Speaker 7: going somewhere. So I feel like I should be honest
Speaker 7: with you because I'm also not a liar. I'm not
Speaker 7: like a dishonest, deceitful person. I'm a super like, very
Speaker 7: open person. I'm real and I don't mind having flaws,
Speaker 7: but for some reason that has always been such a
Speaker 7: hard thing for me to just come out and say
Speaker 7: to anybody. You know, the only people that have really
Speaker 7: known up until me doing the show, it's been people
Speaker 7: who are close to me and who have been my friend.
Speaker 7: For those you know, because now what my first marriage
Speaker 7: was eighteen and then my last one I was thirty six,
Speaker 7: thirty six, thirty maybe thirty eight, But who have known
Speaker 7: me through those years know that I've been married that
Speaker 7: many times. I don't share it with people. It's not
Speaker 7: something that I was like, you're lucky.
Speaker 3: You don't have any to say.
Speaker 2: You're lucky, you don't have a Wikipedia pages. I'm always like,
Speaker 2: don't google me?
Speaker 3: You always are you.
Speaker 1: Ever tempted when dating to just like not say anything?
Speaker 1: But I mean, you don't have a choice, have a choice.
Speaker 3: That's the thing.
Speaker 2: Like I wish I couldn't like this last guy that
Speaker 2: I went out with, I'm like, you know, like, hey,
Speaker 2: can you just like can we just get to know
Speaker 2: each other like not online? Just because I'm like, I
Speaker 2: don't want that to be the first thing that he's like,
Speaker 2: oh wait what you know, because like that's not me,
Speaker 2: that's exactly past.
Speaker 7: I know that in this first episode I'm going to
Speaker 7: get a lot of backlash for not saying anything. And
Speaker 7: I did see the trailer where Gino actually says, you know,
Speaker 7: that was such a blow to him.
Speaker 2: You know, but doesn't he know the show's called Addicted
Speaker 2: to Marriage, Like so like yeah, like I'm sorry to.
Speaker 7: Like what are you so you know again? We got
Speaker 7: we got to talk. Girls, we gotta talk.
Speaker 2: No, I am like for real, like gonna text, Like
Speaker 2: we're getting numbers and we're texting because my girlfriends are
Speaker 2: I feel like, you like, we get each other because
Speaker 2: they're always like especially right now, like being single, They're
Speaker 2: like they have fun, have sex different people.
Speaker 3: I'm like, I can't do that.
Speaker 2: Like I'm like when I find my person, I'm in,
Speaker 2: you know, and I've I've dated, but like I'm like
Speaker 2: I'm done and then like yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3: This one and love. I haven't loved and I haven't no, no,
Speaker 3: I know, but y'all love to love.
Speaker 1: So it's like you want to you just want to
Speaker 1: dive in so quick, which is fine, but I haven't.
Speaker 3: I just have not.
Speaker 2: I haven't just juggled, Like that's the thing. I'm like,
Speaker 2: I like on to date a million guys.
Speaker 7: Especially when sex is important to you. Thank you when
Speaker 7: having that sexual chemistry with someone like I'm a super
Speaker 7: sexual person, like same person, so oh honey, Like and
Speaker 7: I'm sure because you're you're hot gemus.
Speaker 3: It's like Libra, okay, I'm Sagittarius.
Speaker 7: Are you okay Libra? So so yeah, I would end
Speaker 7: up kind of sleeping with someone probably sooner than I should,
Speaker 7: you know, And I'm sorry, but same.
Speaker 3: We have our talents, right, we have our talents.
Speaker 7: Like I said, there's things I'm good at, there's things
Speaker 7: I'm not good at. So I feel like, yeah, like
Speaker 7: dating's tough because you almost want to know right away
Speaker 7: before you waste so much time connecting with someone, like, hey,
Speaker 7: is you know the sexual connection going to be there?
Speaker 2: My hairstylist the other day goes, girl, you got to
Speaker 2: check under the hood before you purchase the car, And
Speaker 2: I was like, nay men, Tyler.
Speaker 7: I know, I know I'm that and I'm telling you like,
Speaker 7: and I'm in my forties, I'm older than you, and
Speaker 7: I still like, I've tried so many times to say
Speaker 7: like no, you got to like switch the order of
Speaker 7: importance on a few things, and I don't know. I
Speaker 7: just can't.
Speaker 2: My friend Christen Breast, because I was talking to so much,
Speaker 2: was ooh, it's opposite day.
Speaker 3: I'm here for this opposite channel.
Speaker 2: And I was like, okay, that's why it's a day.
Speaker 3: I'm trying.
Speaker 7: Cue any longer than that.
Speaker 2: You're like, no, girl, Okay, well I'm going to get
Speaker 2: your number. What are you going to do with the comments?
Speaker 2: That's my kind of last question. And I'm asking like
Speaker 2: on social media because I mean, I let it affect
Speaker 2: me all the time. I mean, like when I go
Speaker 2: on those pages, I'm like, hey, man, like.
Speaker 7: You know what, listen. I think that one thing that
Speaker 7: you and I have to accept is that when we
Speaker 7: love super hard and super deep, we're very very sensitive
Speaker 7: beings as well, you know, and you and I haven't been,
Speaker 7: you know, haven't in the past found our match when
Speaker 7: it comes to, you know, loving the way we love.
Speaker 7: But we're super sensitive, and so when we read that stuff,
Speaker 7: it matters, you know. I think I think there's two ways,
Speaker 7: two things that we need to remember. One is these
Speaker 7: people don't know us. They don't know us, just like
Speaker 7: this show is going to be six episodes. People are
Speaker 7: going to see the first look on a triple stack
Speaker 7: ice cream cone of my life. Right, that's it. That's
Speaker 7: all they're going to get these six episodes when I
Speaker 7: have so much more to tell and say. You know
Speaker 7: that this show isn't even going to touch on or
Speaker 7: could even start to touch on. So I have to
Speaker 7: keep in mind that these people don't know me. You know,
Speaker 7: they don't know me. And first of all, we're probably
Speaker 7: We're not the kind of people who are going to
Speaker 7: leave nasty comments on social media anyway. We're not negative people.
Speaker 2: I just would like to talk to them, Like all
Speaker 2: my Reddit fans, I'll give you my number and let's talk.
Speaker 3: You know what I mean.
Speaker 1: We should get him over for a wine.
Speaker 2: I would all love you, that's the thing. But we
Speaker 2: also the Amy's and I of the world. We want
Speaker 2: that approval right so badly because we really truly want
Speaker 2: to love and we will also want to be understood as.
Speaker 7: Well, Yes, understood. And if someone if someone says something
Speaker 7: nasty about me, I want to know why.
Speaker 2: Please tell me how I offended you, because I love you.
Speaker 2: I want to love you and be yeah.
Speaker 7: Yes, amen. And you know what else, I hate I
Speaker 7: don't like when people say I don't care what anybody
Speaker 7: else thinks. I don't care.
Speaker 3: I'm like mad love to be that person.
Speaker 7: How you can't what you know? How do you not
Speaker 7: care what anybody else thinks of you? Like? I get
Speaker 7: living your truth and living the way that you see
Speaker 7: fits best for you, and you know what I mean,
Speaker 7: doing what makes you happy, Like I get that, But
Speaker 7: not caring what other people think period, I think is
Speaker 7: a bunch of crops, you know what I mean? I care,
Speaker 7: Like if I offended you where I hurt your feelings
Speaker 7: or we had mister communication, I.
Speaker 3: Want to fix it for sure, and I was.
Speaker 7: It does like the comments will and I've already read
Speaker 7: some that are super judgy just off of the trailer,
Speaker 7: so I can't imagine, you know, And I can say
Speaker 7: I won't read them, but that's not true. I'm human.
Speaker 7: I know.
Speaker 3: I go on like my Reddit page like once a week.
Speaker 1: I would say the best thing would be to try
Speaker 1: and not do that. I just would like, you're never
Speaker 1: going to know, but you're never going to be able
Speaker 1: to get to those people. Yeah, it's like it's not pos.
Speaker 7: Yeah, and that's good too. It's like, hey, we have
Speaker 7: to say that, hey, if we're going to read this stuff,
Speaker 7: we have to accept it for what it is and
Speaker 7: learn how to brush it off, you know, and understand
Speaker 7: that You've got to be a strong and I know
Speaker 7: you are because I've been following your story. But you
Speaker 7: are a strong ass woman to get through what you've
Speaker 7: been through. And I'm telling you, ending a relationship, I
Speaker 7: think sometimes it's harder than staying in it, you know
Speaker 7: what I mean? Ending it is harder than staying in
Speaker 7: it sometimes, And that's been my truth, and I know
Speaker 7: that it was for you because when you have babies
Speaker 7: involved in children involved with this person, you shared special
Speaker 7: intimate moments like childbirth and you know, loving these babies
Speaker 7: together as a team, and that's a big deal. That
Speaker 7: is a big deal to have a child with someone
Speaker 7: and share that experience with another human being who's your husband,
Speaker 7: and to one day have to you're left with no
Speaker 7: choice but to say, I like, I'm breaking my family up,
Speaker 7: you know what I mean? That was like that was
Speaker 7: so devastating, like death. It was like I literally spent.
Speaker 4: A day.
Speaker 7: I had to have someone come pick up my daughter. Actually,
Speaker 7: I have to have someone can pick up my daughter
Speaker 7: when I made that decision in a relationship with you
Speaker 7: know where we had kids, and I took a whole
Speaker 7: day where for the first time in my life, actually
Speaker 7: felt suicidal for breaking up my family. You know, I
Speaker 7: had never felt that way in the marriage, like that,
Speaker 7: the hurt and the abuse that I'd gone through and
Speaker 7: all the sh that I'd been through, I never felt
Speaker 7: that way. I was always like, I know I can
Speaker 7: come out of this. My closer calling off, but I
Speaker 7: know I can. I know I can come out of this.
Speaker 7: But when that decision was made and he moved out,
Speaker 7: you know, I had to allow myself to grieve, and
Speaker 7: I grieved so hard that I almost contemplated, if I
Speaker 7: don't have my family, what do I have? You know,
Speaker 7: if my family isn't intact, And I was like, you
Speaker 7: know what. It took me. It was like twenty four hours.
Speaker 7: And then I missed my daughter so much that I
Speaker 7: had to I had to ever come come back home.
Speaker 7: But you know, it is a.
Speaker 2: Forstance for sharing that, but also to remember we still
Speaker 2: have our family. It just looks different, yes, it just
Speaker 2: looks and they still need us, you know.
Speaker 7: Yeah, So I I didn't know I was going to
Speaker 7: go deep into that moment when I was going through it,
Speaker 7: but I would just My point was definitely to say
Speaker 7: that it's it's super hard to end a marriage, you know,
Speaker 7: and so you're you're very very strong in order to
Speaker 7: do that and make that decision that that takes a
Speaker 7: lot of strength. And so we can read these stupid
Speaker 7: comments and they're like nothing compared to what we've been through. Really,
Speaker 7: when it comes down to.
Speaker 2: It, Amy, you have filled filled me up with a
Speaker 2: lot of strength because you're a very strong woman as well.
Speaker 2: And I'm going to be rooting for you on TLC's
Speaker 2: Addicted to Marriage, and I'm so excited to see what
Speaker 2: happens with you and Gino. And I'm going to text
Speaker 2: you on the side and you better tell me so.
Speaker 2: But you're the best, Amy, and I'll talk to you soon, Okay,
Speaker 2: I'll make sure we can.
Speaker 3: Okay, Ladies, my girl, Oh my god, she's my new
Speaker 3: best friend. Sorry, Gather you go.
Speaker 1: It's okay. You need someone like her, I do for sure,
Speaker 1: because you guys just don't get me.
Speaker 2: Fascinating. I wonder if she ends up with Gina. I mean, hey,
Speaker 2: Elizabeth Taylor was married how many times?
Speaker 3: Five?
Speaker 1: I think five. Yeah, yeah, I mean j Lo she's
Speaker 1: like the queen, so it's right. As long as you
Speaker 1: don't have more than Jay Long, you're good to go.
Speaker 3: I think we're tired.
Speaker 4: I don't know.
Speaker 3: That was actually laughing. I'm like, was that the shame laughing?
Speaker 1: Or I know that makes me because like then I
Speaker 1: was like, oh I feel bad because we laugh about it.
Speaker 3: No, but I mean you know you have to. Yeah,
Speaker 3: sometimes you just have to.
Speaker 4: Hi, Mark, Hi, Liz Taylor was married eight times to
Speaker 4: seven men.
Speaker 1: Eight seven men?
Speaker 3: Interesting one woman?
Speaker 4: No, d.
Speaker 3: It's so funny. What about j Loo?
Speaker 4: Larry King also eight times?
Speaker 3: Let me look up to you five Jennifer Lopez just three.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you'll want to try to think who's going to
Speaker 1: get married first? Mar or j That's a fun game.
Speaker 3: Do you think I'll get married again?
Speaker 1: Mm hmm you were hurt me? Oh yeah, I thought
Speaker 1: you meant. I was like, really, oh no, I definitely think,
Speaker 1: not a doubt. Already planning my dress. Where are we
Speaker 1: doing this wedding? I don't know how the man is,
Speaker 1: but we're there. We're going to be fighting for made
Speaker 1: of honor.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you will have to. We'll see Mark wants you
Speaker 3: ain't get none, not yet.
Speaker 4: Well, is there any update? My understanding is that we're
Speaker 4: back to square one.
Speaker 3: We're in a square.
Speaker 1: We are in a square.
Speaker 4: What number square is to be determined.
Speaker 3: We're in a square.
Speaker 2: And when I have more information, I will tell you,
Speaker 2: but I think you will approve hands down.
Speaker 4: Okay, Now I gotta be careful here because.
Speaker 3: We don't want to edit a show.
Speaker 5: You and I had a chit chat a couple of
Speaker 5: weeks ago off air.
Speaker 4: Yes, is that guy still in the picture.
Speaker 5: No, that's what That's why I thought, because that's what
Speaker 5: I was aware of. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think what I've realized is like, if it's
Speaker 2: not something that, if it's not so I wrote that letter,
Speaker 2: you know, and I'm like, I'm just not going to
Speaker 2: not settle for anything that's not on that letter. And
Speaker 2: I started to realize that I didn't want to have
Speaker 2: to compromise things that were important to me. And also
Speaker 2: I think long distance would have been really hard as well.
Speaker 2: And yeah, so okay.
Speaker 4: But there are still options in.
Speaker 3: Play, options in play great, fantastic.
Speaker 4: Well, I'm looking forward to hearing more about them when
Speaker 4: the time is right.
Speaker 3: Thank you, Mark, and don't worry you will have the
Speaker 3: breaking news then and then then then, but stay on.
Speaker 2: I'll tell you afterwards, okay, okay, great, Bye, bye guys,
Speaker 2: I'll see you next week.