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Speaker 1: Welcome. You are now listening to the Professional profession. Hey,

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Speaker 1: Professional home Girls is the kid of a name from

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Speaker 1: the PSD podcast, the only place where you would hear

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Speaker 1: interviews from black women an honestly on stories that will

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Speaker 1: enlighten and expand on taboo topics. Now, if you hear

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Speaker 1: someone that sounds familiar, mind the business that pays you child.

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Speaker 1: If you like the PhD podcast, please rate, review and

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Speaker 1: subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Please five star reviews only hold

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Speaker 1: me down, Don't hold me up. Merchants now enveloped on

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Speaker 1: the site as well as my book list, so please

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Speaker 1: make sure you visit the link in the show notes below.

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Speaker 1: You can connect with the kid on Instagram at the

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Speaker 1: Professional home Girl and at the PhD podcast. If you

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Speaker 1: are on Twitter, please follow me at the PhD podcast now.

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Speaker 1: If you are all caught up with episode, listen to

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Speaker 1: the bonus episodes by supporting the PSD podcast Patreon account.

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Speaker 1: To support, please visit www dot patreon dot com. Forward

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Speaker 1: slash the PSG podcast now. Please keep in mind that

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Speaker 1: all of my guests are nonna so list again this

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Speaker 1: week's episode, So I am super excited to have my

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Speaker 1: guests on the show today. She is a music journalist

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Speaker 1: who has written viral cover stories with some of our

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Speaker 1: favorite artists. In addition, she is a DJ as well

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Speaker 1: as to be as soon to be best selling author

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Speaker 1: with her new books stories Okay we Got Speaking in

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Speaker 1: to Existence Okay, Yes, I love it. Her new book

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Speaker 1: is Hidden Stories, Your Lie Oh to Hip Hop Fifty

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Speaker 1: Albums that Defined fifty years of trailblazing music. She has

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Speaker 1: a mass over one million views on what it's like

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Speaker 1: to have bipolar disorder, and she is here today to

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Speaker 1: share her story with us. So to my guests, thank

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Speaker 1: you so much for being a part of the Professional

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Speaker 1: Homegoard podcast. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited

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Speaker 1: me too. On how's your day going, I'm doing pretty well,

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Speaker 1: you know, um making it one day at a time,

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Speaker 1: just trying to um, you know, pour into myself as

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Speaker 1: I'm pouring into others, and making sure that I'm always

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Speaker 1: supporting myself as I would a friend, a family member, etcetera.

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Speaker 1: I at That's the point I at right now, is

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Speaker 1: just trying to take care of myself like I would

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Speaker 1: anyone else. And that's most important because sometimes we can

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Speaker 1: our cup and get so empty. Home. Yes, absolutely, and

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Speaker 1: I know from first hand experience that that's not the

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Speaker 1: way to go. So so I'm trying to do something new.

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Speaker 1: How does it make you feel to receive so much

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Speaker 1: love and support on raising awareness for mental health? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: Oh my goodness. UM, it can be overwhelming. Um, just

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Speaker 1: because you know, as even though I am someone who writes,

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Speaker 1: you know, articles that reach a lot of people, Um,

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Speaker 1: I am still very introverted and UM to put myself

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Speaker 1: out there, I know takes a lot of courage and vulnerability,

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Speaker 1: But I just see it as something that I'm put

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Speaker 1: here to do. And to have such an outpouring of

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Speaker 1: support from people who live with mental illness, who know

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Speaker 1: someone who has a disorder, etcetera. Like whatever way the

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Speaker 1: conditions may appear in your life. Just to hear that

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Speaker 1: I'm making an impact and to hear that, you know,

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Speaker 1: I'm helping someone to better understand themselves or the person

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Speaker 1: in their life, who the person in their life who's

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Speaker 1: going through that, that means a lot, you know. It

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Speaker 1: means that I'm making a difference, and it means that

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Speaker 1: I am doing you know, what God put me here

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Speaker 1: to do, which is to to change lives and to

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Speaker 1: help people live better lives, and I can see how

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Speaker 1: it can be a little overwhelming, because when I was

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Speaker 1: reading your comments section on TikTok, I was like, oh,

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Speaker 1: this is amazing, but some of the stories that your

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Speaker 1: followers are sharing can be it can be heavy. Yeah. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: you know. Um, I've told my TikTok supporters that I

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Speaker 1: don't really get into the comments that much anymore. When

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Speaker 1: I first started out, I was there every every video,

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Speaker 1: I replied to every single person, and then as as

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Speaker 1: it kind of you know, grew from there, I started

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Speaker 1: to understand that, like, okay, number one, I don't know

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Speaker 1: if I can handle all of this, you know. And

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Speaker 1: also some people just like to troll, and that really

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Speaker 1: affects me, so um, you know, I was. I made

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Speaker 1: a video, you know, some months back where I was

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Speaker 1: just like, hey, y'all, like, I love you, I love

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Speaker 1: your stories, and I'm so grateful for you sharing, but

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Speaker 1: I can't be in this section all the time because

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Speaker 1: it does get to be overwhelming. And people were very supportive,

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Speaker 1: you know. And my sister m Jordan, who's my rock,

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Speaker 1: my support system, she reads every comment and she's like

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Speaker 1: because she's just ready to go, she's ready to fight everybody,

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Speaker 1: So yeah, that her Yeah, yeah, so you know, she

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Speaker 1: just wants to protect me, but she also wants me

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Speaker 1: to know the good stuff that's out there. So yeah,

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Speaker 1: I am, like, you know, invested in that space as

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Speaker 1: much as I can be. But when it comes down

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Speaker 1: to it, I try to, you know, put a little

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Speaker 1: barrier up so I can protect myself. Right, So, if

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Speaker 1: I'm not mistaken, You've been episode free for the past

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Speaker 1: two years. How does that make you feel? Yeah, so

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Speaker 1: it's three years now since I know, I'm so excited.

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Speaker 1: So um, you know, it's it's wonderful because you know

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Speaker 1: the prior years. You know, I had my first episode

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Speaker 1: in twenty sixteen, and then I had the next one

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Speaker 1: in seventeen, and then I had two in nineteen. So

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Speaker 1: it was getting to be very exhausting, and it was

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Speaker 1: interrupted my life. It was disrupting my career path, it

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Speaker 1: was doing a whole lot that it didn't need to do.

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Speaker 1: I was just in a place where I didn't know

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Speaker 1: how to care for myself independently, and I was just

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Speaker 1: trying to figure it out on the fly, and that's

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Speaker 1: not something that you can do with something like mental illness. So, um,

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Speaker 1: you know, I made the decision, and the decision was

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Speaker 1: kind of made for me environmentally and through God or

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Speaker 1: whatever you want to say it, but it was like,

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Speaker 1: you gotta go home. So I moved home to Texas

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Speaker 1: in December twenty nineteen, and it's been, um, you know,

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Speaker 1: interesting because a few months after I moved back, the

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Speaker 1: pandemic started. And you know, it was really good for

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Speaker 1: me to be home and to be with family, be

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Speaker 1: with my sister, UM, you know, be with my grandmother.

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Speaker 1: It was, you know, a blessing in disguise. So I'm

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Speaker 1: very grateful to be where I'm at now. I'm grateful

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Speaker 1: that I haven't had an episode since then, and I'm

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Speaker 1: trying to keep it that way, right. And how have

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Speaker 1: you been balancing your bipolar disorder in your career because y'all,

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Speaker 1: she's been in the game for over ten years, it

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Speaker 1: is she writes so many articles and besides this writing,

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Speaker 1: but you're also active in other parts as far as

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Speaker 1: like DJ and you have a book come out. How

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Speaker 1: are you balancing everything? Because that's amazing? Thank you? Yeah, yeah, So, UM,

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Speaker 1: I think about my life with bipolar disorder every single day.

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Speaker 1: It's something that UM has affected the way that I

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Speaker 1: see the world and the way that I see other

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Speaker 1: people and how I interact with them, and that also

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Speaker 1: extends to the work that I do, so um, you know,

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Speaker 1: from that perspective, I really just try to be as

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Speaker 1: honest and as forthcoming as I can in all my work.

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Speaker 1: And I feel like that helps me to balance things out,

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Speaker 1: because if I'm coming to every project, every article, every

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Speaker 1: video that I post on TikTok, if I'm coming with authentic,

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Speaker 1: genuine energy, and I'm really trying to just get a

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Speaker 1: message out there, like I feel like that's the point

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Speaker 1: of what I'm doing. I'm trying to get messages out

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Speaker 1: there to people. And you know, I don't want to.

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Speaker 1: I don't want to be famous, you know, I don't

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Speaker 1: want to. I don't want any of that. I just

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Speaker 1: want to connect with real people and help people. So um,

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Speaker 1: you know, I feel like having that kind of mindset

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Speaker 1: helps me to balance things out because if it's always

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Speaker 1: coming from that place of you know, of secure authenticity

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Speaker 1: and you know, just well meaning, you know, I just

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Speaker 1: I just have good intentions and you know, even though

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Speaker 1: sometimes things don't always happen in the way that I

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Speaker 1: planned them too, I feel like that's all in the

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Speaker 1: plan of my life. So you know, I'm I'm grateful

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Speaker 1: for the journey and I'm just taking it one day

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Speaker 1: at a time, right, And what do you wish people

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Speaker 1: knew about bipolar disorder? Yeah? Oh my goodness, this is

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Speaker 1: a big one, um child. So I'm like, I had

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Speaker 1: to be on point with this interview. Thank you, No,

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Speaker 1: you're doing great. You're doing great. I really appreciate these questions. Um.

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Speaker 1: So I wish people understood that it's not as simple

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Speaker 1: as a mood change. You know. People are like, oh,

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Speaker 1: like the weather is being bipolar, like it can't do

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Speaker 1: one thing in one day or whatever. And that's something

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Speaker 1: that's really frustrating because too, to distill bipolar disorder down

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Speaker 1: to a good day and a bad day or a

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Speaker 1: good mood in a bad mood is very very um inaccurate. Um.

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Speaker 1: Bipolar disorder is you know, with you have mania, which

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Speaker 1: is when you become very elevated, you become very excited,

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Speaker 1: you can become irritable, um. But it's it's a very

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Speaker 1: intense state in which you can do and say things

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Speaker 1: that you don't mean. And I've been through this, you know,

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Speaker 1: I've had four major episodes, and I've had to be

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Speaker 1: hospitalized for each of those, and in those moments, I

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Speaker 1: become a different person. Like my sister was just talking

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Speaker 1: to me about this other day. She was saying, you know,

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Speaker 1: like every time you have an episode, people think you're

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Speaker 1: on drugs, you know, they think that there's something like

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Speaker 1: that going on with you, and I have to tell them,

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Speaker 1: she is not this person. This is someone else. She

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Speaker 1: is a gentle, kind, loving person, and I am, you know,

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Speaker 1: but when I'm in those states, I've become someone else.

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Speaker 1: And I want people to know, like it's not as

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Speaker 1: simple as it happy and as sad. It's so much

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Speaker 1: more that goes into these episodes, right. And you also

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Speaker 1: made a good point when um, I was watching your

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Speaker 1: videos and you were saying how it's it's harmful for

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Speaker 1: people to say, um, oh, I'm by Polo by Polo

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Speaker 1: because I'm having an off day. Yeah, yeah, and people

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Speaker 1: you know I have. It's really something because I have

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Speaker 1: conversations with people who know me and know that I've

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Speaker 1: you know, I went missing in the throes of my

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Speaker 1: first episode, and know that, you know, I have been

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Speaker 1: through these hospitalizations, and they still say that and I'm

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Speaker 1: like my sister, like, she's the one who's always like, listen,

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Speaker 1: that's not what you think it is. And I at

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Speaker 1: this point, I'm still having those conversations because I just

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Speaker 1: want to educate people. But it can become frustrating when

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Speaker 1: people who know me and know what I've been through

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Speaker 1: still throw that word around in that manner. Do you

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Speaker 1: think people just don't care? I think people just don't know.

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Speaker 1: Like it's it's it's really hard to describe into put

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Speaker 1: someone else into your shoes, what it means to be

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Speaker 1: in the midst of a bipolar manic episode. People can

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Speaker 1: under understand depression, that's something that many people go through unfortunately,

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Speaker 1: and is more relatable, but the mania side of it

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Speaker 1: is something that is almost inexplicable. And that's why I

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Speaker 1: try my best as a writer, as someone who tries

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Speaker 1: to speak clearly and confidently about what this is. I

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Speaker 1: try to do my best in this area because how

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Speaker 1: else are we going to move forward with understanding mental illness?

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Speaker 1: Because this is just one mental illness. Um, you know,

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Speaker 1: there's you know, borderline, there's schizophrenia. They're schizoa effective, which

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Speaker 1: is bipolar and schizophrenia. So you know, there are so

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Speaker 1: many paths to this life, and you know, I just

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Speaker 1: want people to to understand that it is bigger than

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Speaker 1: just a bad day. And you know, I just I

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Speaker 1: hope that with the work that I've done and am doing,

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Speaker 1: that I am you know, educating, providing context, spreading awareness

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Speaker 1: because at the end of the day, like this is

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Speaker 1: something that affects millions of people in the US alone.

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Speaker 1: So um, you know, for us to not have a

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Speaker 1: grasp on this yet is a little disconcerting. But I'm

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Speaker 1: not giving up. You know, I'm not going to say,

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Speaker 1: well to help with it. You know, I can't change

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Speaker 1: the world, so I'm not gonna change anything. Like, I'm

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Speaker 1: still gonna do what I can do. Right. Well, listen,

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Speaker 1: I don't know, you're not giving up because when I

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Speaker 1: was wanting to videos, I say, damn, she is consistent,

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Speaker 1: like thank you. Yeah, And even when I was reading

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Speaker 1: the comments, I said, she responded to the comments too.

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Speaker 1: I was like, wow, yeah, yeah, yeah, I tried, you

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Speaker 1: know here and there, Like there was a few videos

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Speaker 1: ago that I was in the comments section and I

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Speaker 1: was like, oh my god, I forgot what it's like

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Speaker 1: to be here. But yeah, I'm trying. You know, I

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Speaker 1: try to address people's questions. I tried to, um, if

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Speaker 1: they have like a follow up question about a video

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Speaker 1: that I've done, like I did one where I was

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Speaker 1: talking about the way that I text and message people

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Speaker 1: in Mania, and um, you know, I used a certain

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Speaker 1: word and they were like, what does that mean? So

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Speaker 1: I did a follow up video to explain what it means.

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Speaker 1: So yeah, I tried to communicate with them as best

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Speaker 1: as I can and make sure that I'm addressing the

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Speaker 1: things that they want to talk about. But yeah, in general,

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Speaker 1: I just I, you know, I just I have a

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Speaker 1: journal and I have like a whole page of ideas

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Speaker 1: of videos that I want to do. So for the

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Speaker 1: next couple of weeks, a couple of months, I'm just

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Speaker 1: gonna be creating, creating, creating, because I am fortunate enough that,

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Speaker 1: you know, I am working on this book and it's

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Speaker 1: pretty much out of my hands at this point. Um,

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Speaker 1: I've done the work and now other people are working

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Speaker 1: on it making sure that it gets to the printing

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Speaker 1: presses and all that. So I do have a lot

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Speaker 1: of free time right now, and I'm grateful for it

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Speaker 1: because I can dive back into the TikTok space and

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Speaker 1: also just um figure out, like what else do I

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Speaker 1: want to do right right now? I know you are

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Speaker 1: from the South, and like I mentioned to you before

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Speaker 1: we started, so am I so? And we both know

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Speaker 1: that mental health is very taboo in the South, and

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Speaker 1: especially two which is like crazy. So what were your

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Speaker 1: thoughts on bipolar before you were the diagnosed with it?

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Speaker 1: Great question? Um. So my brother Um, who you know

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Speaker 1: is uh comfortable with me speaking about his life. He

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Speaker 1: um is schizo effective and he he has been since

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Speaker 1: you know, Um I was, if not in late high

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Speaker 1: school and early college years. So UM, I knew that

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Speaker 1: there was something out there that you know, was in

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Speaker 1: my family and my genes or whatever. But sure, yeah.

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Speaker 1: So schizzo effective is when you have characteristics of bipolar

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Speaker 1: disorder and schizophrenia. So with bipolar, you have mania, you

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Speaker 1: have depression in a combination of those at any given time,

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Speaker 1: and with schizophrenia you have you can hear voices, you

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Speaker 1: can see things that are not there. Um, you know

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Speaker 1: it's it's a bit more Uh. I don't want to

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Speaker 1: say it's more intense and bipolar disorder because I myself

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Speaker 1: have been diagnosed at schizo effective once upon a time.

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Speaker 1: But the last time I was hospitalized, they told me

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Speaker 1: you're just bipolar, so run with that, and I was like, okay, sure,

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Speaker 1: but um, you know it's it's um schizuoeffective has qualities

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Speaker 1: of both. And I've seen my brother go through episodes

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Speaker 1: and you know, he's, uh, he sees things that are

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Speaker 1: not there. He sees very violent images, he thinks that

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Speaker 1: he's hurt people and he's done nothing at all. And

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Speaker 1: my grandmother actually um also has similar visions and delusions.

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Speaker 1: So I've been aware of like mental health issues for

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Speaker 1: a while, but I just didn't know the first hand

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Speaker 1: account of it. And now that now that I have

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Speaker 1: that experience, I'm like, I can empathize and I can

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Speaker 1: understand what my family members are going through. Right wow.

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Speaker 1: So let's start from the beginning in if I'm not mistaken,

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Speaker 1: you were diagnosed with bipolar disorder type one. What were

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Speaker 1: some of the factors that trigger your first manic episode? Sure? Yeah, so,

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Speaker 1: um yeah, sixteen is when I had my episode, And

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Speaker 1: it was around September of that year. I started to

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Speaker 1: kind of elevate so to speak. Um, you know, I

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Speaker 1: was dating somebody, UM, and it was my first real

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Speaker 1: bond with the person and that I felt that they

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Speaker 1: liked me as much as I like them. So, um,

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Speaker 1: you know, I was falling in love very very quickly,

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Speaker 1: and they were pulling away from me. And that's at

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Speaker 1: the same time, I guess they kind of understood that

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Speaker 1: I was looking for something that they weren't willing to give,

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Speaker 1: so they were just trying to put up, you know,

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Speaker 1: walls in between us. And I was spiraling from that.

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Speaker 1: And at the same time, I also was in therapy.

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Speaker 1: You know, I had started therapy I think a few

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Speaker 1: months before that, and I was really getting into the

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Speaker 1: nitty gritty of you know, like why am I still

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Speaker 1: feeling grief over my mother's death? You know, I thought

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Speaker 1: it was past this. So it was a lot of

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Speaker 1: you know, going through the emotions of that. And then

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Speaker 1: also I had quit my stable job and I was

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Speaker 1: freelancing and the money was and come in when when

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Speaker 1: I thought it was gonna come. So I was struggling financially.

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Speaker 1: And then also I had to move apartments at that

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Speaker 1: same moment, and I didn't have rent money and I

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Speaker 1: thought I could, Like again, I was starting to go

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Speaker 1: through the mania at this point, so I was, um,

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Speaker 1: I was trying to convince the people that I was

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Speaker 1: supposed to live with, t like, just trust me and

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Speaker 1: go on faith, you know that I would pay them eventually,

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Speaker 1: and they're like, nah, girl, you can't live here. So

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Speaker 1: I had nowhere to stay. So I ended up moving

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Speaker 1: in with the guy that I was dating, and a

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Speaker 1: few days later, um, you know, he was like, I

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Speaker 1: gotta go to work, you know, go get yourself a bacon,

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Speaker 1: egg and cheese when the deli next door. Come back

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Speaker 1: and I'll see you later. And I was like, sure,

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Speaker 1: I can do that. And of course I couldn't do it.

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Speaker 1: You know, I was like up in the clouds and

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Speaker 1: I went to the deli and I, in my mind

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Speaker 1: had it when I become manic, I wouldcome very spiritual

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Speaker 1: and religious, and um, I was like, oh Jesus paid

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Speaker 1: at all, you know, like anything. So I like, I

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Speaker 1: went to is deli tried to get a bacon, egg

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Speaker 1: and cheese sandwich for free, as well as like a

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Speaker 1: banana and a gallon of water. And they're like, what

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Speaker 1: are you talking about? Like you have to pay for this,

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Speaker 1: and I'm like no, I I Jesus, you know, like

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Speaker 1: we're talking about you know, so um. I ended up

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Speaker 1: taking the food items, but I left my purse with

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Speaker 1: my phone at the deli, I guess as a means

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Speaker 1: of trust. And um, I went back to the apartment

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Speaker 1: building and started knocking on doors, trying to get people

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Speaker 1: to open the door and help so I could help

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Speaker 1: them find their way to God. And um, yeah, they

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Speaker 1: called the police and I was sorry, I gotta sneeze,

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Speaker 1: Oh my goodness away, UM, thank you in advance. UM.

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Speaker 1: So yeah, I ended up getting picked up by the police. Um.

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Speaker 1: And they put me in an ambulance, which is different

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Speaker 1: from an ambulance. Apparently I didn't know that. Um, but

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Speaker 1: it's like, yeah, it's it's like a it's not a

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Speaker 1: fully equipped ambulance. I don't think. I'm not sure. I

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Speaker 1: don't want misspeak. But anyway, I was put into that

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Speaker 1: vehicle and taken to the hospital, and my family didn't

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Speaker 1: My family and friends had no idea where I was.

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Speaker 1: So for about a day and a half, they were

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Speaker 1: just scrambling on Twitter like I was trending. They were

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Speaker 1: trying to find yeah, yeah, you know, people were really

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Speaker 1: concerned and they had no idea what had happened. And

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Speaker 1: then eventually, UM, I kept saying my sister's name over

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Speaker 1: and over again at the hospital, and somebody found her

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Speaker 1: on Facebook and they sent her a message, like I

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Speaker 1: think they sent her a message and or they called her.

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Speaker 1: I don't know how they got her number, but they

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Speaker 1: reached out to her and they were like, hey, your

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Speaker 1: sister's here, and you know my my sister's first thought

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Speaker 1: was like, thank god she was found, but like why

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Speaker 1: she yeah, like does she have broken bones? And she okay? UM,

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Speaker 1: So nobody nobody knew what had happened, including myself. I

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Speaker 1: was I was somewhere else. I was. I thought I

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Speaker 1: was in heaven. I thought I was on Mars. There

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Speaker 1: were there were so many things that I was going through, right,

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Speaker 1: It's it's just me because when I was doing research

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Speaker 1: and I was going through your comments and I was

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Speaker 1: just doing research on my own, on on my own,

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Speaker 1: what was it about? Because I feel like that was

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Speaker 1: like the starting point or the breaking point of like

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Speaker 1: a lot of people experiencing different things when it comes

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Speaker 1: to mental health. Yo, I'm so glad you brought that

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Speaker 1: up because I've never talked about this before, but I

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Speaker 1: have like my own suspicions about it, Like I of course,

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Speaker 1: I don't know anything more than anyone else, but I

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Speaker 1: know that that year was a pivotal year for us

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Speaker 1: in terms of Trump getting elected. Like I know that

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Speaker 1: for me, Um, that was when I was in the hospital,

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Speaker 1: I was like, we have to vote, like, we can't

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Speaker 1: let him get in office. And then I got out

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Speaker 1: of that hospital, was placed into another one in my hometown,

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Speaker 1: and I literally watched him get inaugurated in a mental hospital. So, um,

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Speaker 1: you know, I I feel like that was a major

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Speaker 1: shift for people, like this person coming into office who's

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Speaker 1: going to literally throw off the balance of the entire world.

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Speaker 1: I think that energetically, like people knew something was afoot

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Speaker 1: and they just went through what they went through. But

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Speaker 1: aside from that, I think, um, you know, it was

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Speaker 1: also for me like the police killings and vigilante killings

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Speaker 1: of black people, Um, you know, yeah, and us seeing

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Speaker 1: it over and over and over, you like, it was

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Speaker 1: it was a lot to handle, you know. And I

401
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Speaker 1: think that I think that we have emergencies, um, you know,

402
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Speaker 1: in our spirits and our bodies, whatever you want to

403
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Speaker 1: call it, in which we just have to release and

404
00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:39,439
Speaker 1: we have to emote and go through something different in

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Speaker 1: order to get to the other side of what we

406
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Speaker 1: of where we need to be. So, um, you know

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Speaker 1: these are all just like you know, you can call

408
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Speaker 1: it a conspiracy theory or whatever, but you know, I

409
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Speaker 1: I don't know, you know, like ultimately what happened that year,

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Speaker 1: But I just know that I you know, have seen

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Speaker 1: like other black women went missing that year because of

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Speaker 1: mental health issues, and um, you know, some folks didn't

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Speaker 1: make it back home and that's really sad, you know.

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Speaker 1: So it's like that was that was really really tough

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Speaker 1: year for a lot of people. Yeah. I remember when

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Speaker 1: he got elected and I went to work and it

417
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Speaker 1: was I think it was raining that day. It was

418
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Speaker 1: so dark and gloomy and I work in corporate Americas

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Speaker 1: the year are you know, it's like people I'm dealing

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Speaker 1: with watching them, like I felt so uncomfortable. Yeah, it was. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I don't know how to explain it because it was,

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Speaker 1: like I have chills just thinking about it because it

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Speaker 1: was such a big change for so many people, like

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Speaker 1: in one Fell Swift, Yeah, exactly, we all felt it.

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Speaker 1: And people like people make jokes on Twitter and like

426
00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:48,240
Speaker 1: other social platforms all the time, like, oh is a

427
00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:50,640
Speaker 1: year that we you know, entered the matrix or we

428
00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:53,400
Speaker 1: blah blah blah or whatever. And I'm like, people are

429
00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:55,879
Speaker 1: aware that something happened in sixteen, we just don't know

430
00:22:55,920 --> 00:23:01,560
Speaker 1: what happened. And Twitter child, because oh my god, I know,

431
00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:03,919
Speaker 1: I'm trying to get my little last tweets off, I

432
00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:09,240
Speaker 1: know because a ship show like wow. Yeah, which is

433
00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:11,640
Speaker 1: crazy because like I literally grew up on Twitter, and

434
00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:14,680
Speaker 1: like I was able to make so many connections, including

435
00:23:14,680 --> 00:23:17,520
Speaker 1: in the mental health space, you know, and even just

436
00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:19,600
Speaker 1: like as recently as a couple of months ago, just

437
00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:23,280
Speaker 1: connecting with um, you know, people who have bipolar disorder

438
00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:26,760
Speaker 1: and our authors themselves and our writers and you know,

439
00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:30,160
Speaker 1: we're just coming together to like again help educate and

440
00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:33,400
Speaker 1: provide context for people. So yeah, RP to Twitter. Man,

441
00:23:33,560 --> 00:23:35,560
Speaker 1: it had a good run, but it wasn't long enough

442
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:40,680
Speaker 1: in my opinion. Yeah, how long does an episode last

443
00:23:40,760 --> 00:23:45,600
Speaker 1: for you? Yeah? So, um, let's see, I'm trying to

444
00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:48,480
Speaker 1: like think through all of them. So the one, I

445
00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:53,280
Speaker 1: would say, the first one, Um, I feel last at

446
00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:58,240
Speaker 1: the longest because I started having symptoms of mania in

447
00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:02,400
Speaker 1: September of that year. Believe I think I said that already. Yeah,

448
00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:06,600
Speaker 1: I started having symptoms in September and then October. Early

449
00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:09,800
Speaker 1: October is when I was hospitalized, and then I didn't

450
00:24:09,840 --> 00:24:13,840
Speaker 1: get out until um like early November. But when I

451
00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:17,680
Speaker 1: was released, I wasn't quote unquote normal yet. I was

452
00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:21,560
Speaker 1: still manic. I was still quite manic. And my family, um,

453
00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:24,080
Speaker 1: you know, the hospital that I was in, they were

454
00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:26,960
Speaker 1: horrible with communication. I could barely talk to my family

455
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:31,119
Speaker 1: members and friends. Um. And also they were just saying

456
00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:36,960
Speaker 1: things that my family felt were very very um they

457
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:39,400
Speaker 1: just it was just a shitty hospital. I'll just say

458
00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:42,600
Speaker 1: it was a it was a terrible place. So, um,

459
00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:44,320
Speaker 1: you know, my family was like, we don't want her

460
00:24:44,359 --> 00:24:47,840
Speaker 1: there anymore, like we're coming to get her. So um,

461
00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:50,520
Speaker 1: my friend Sarah, God bless her, she's helped me so

462
00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:54,440
Speaker 1: much throughout this this whole process. But she started, uh,

463
00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:57,000
Speaker 1: like a go fund me or something like that, so

464
00:24:57,560 --> 00:25:00,080
Speaker 1: people could raise money for my family members to fly

465
00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:03,240
Speaker 1: to New York from Texas and get me. Yeah. Yeah,

466
00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:07,000
Speaker 1: she's been so wonderful, so um yeah, she helped with that.

467
00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:09,560
Speaker 1: And then my family flew up to get me, brought

468
00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:12,240
Speaker 1: me back to Texas, and I was still manic. So

469
00:25:12,280 --> 00:25:13,760
Speaker 1: they were like, we don't know what to do, Like.

470
00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:15,479
Speaker 1: I was there for a few days and they were like,

471
00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:18,440
Speaker 1: we gotta take her back to a hospital. So, um,

472
00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:21,720
Speaker 1: they took me to an extended observation unit at the

473
00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:24,640
Speaker 1: hospital in my hometown, which is basically like a mini

474
00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:27,080
Speaker 1: psych ward that you stay in for three to four

475
00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:31,000
Speaker 1: days to figure out like medications, to sleep, to just

476
00:25:31,080 --> 00:25:36,440
Speaker 1: be away from the world. And unfortunately that doesn't exist anymore, um,

477
00:25:36,520 --> 00:25:38,840
Speaker 1: which I think is really sad because a lot of

478
00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:42,280
Speaker 1: people like my my entire family has been in the

479
00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:48,000
Speaker 1: extended observation unit and it's helped us. But yeah, so anyway,

480
00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:52,000
Speaker 1: I why doesn't it exist anymore? UM? I don't know.

481
00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:55,600
Speaker 1: I had a close person in my life going through

482
00:25:55,600 --> 00:26:00,000
Speaker 1: a crisis earlier this year and I called that hospital like, hey,

483
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:01,879
Speaker 1: you still have this unit open, and they were like, no,

484
00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:05,199
Speaker 1: we don't. And I was like, what happened? And they

485
00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:07,320
Speaker 1: were like, well, I don't even know if they gave

486
00:26:07,359 --> 00:26:09,520
Speaker 1: me an explanation, but they were like, you know, if

487
00:26:09,560 --> 00:26:13,119
Speaker 1: you bring her here, we can, um, you know, take

488
00:26:13,160 --> 00:26:16,760
Speaker 1: this person through uh like our emergency room and then

489
00:26:16,760 --> 00:26:19,040
Speaker 1: we can figure it out from there. But they probably

490
00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:22,040
Speaker 1: would have just transferred this person to a full on

491
00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:24,159
Speaker 1: psych word where they didn't need to be. It was

492
00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:27,240
Speaker 1: just they needed a few days to recalibrate. So yeah,

493
00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:30,200
Speaker 1: I don't know why they shut that down, but yeah,

494
00:26:30,280 --> 00:26:33,120
Speaker 1: it was really unfortunate because it's it's I think it's

495
00:26:33,160 --> 00:26:36,840
Speaker 1: saved lives. It saved my life. So yeah. So I

496
00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:39,560
Speaker 1: was in that extended observation unit for about four days

497
00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:43,480
Speaker 1: and UM I came out and I was better. Um

498
00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:46,480
Speaker 1: they kind of readjusted my medication and helped me in

499
00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:49,720
Speaker 1: that respect, But I don't think I fully came out

500
00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:55,280
Speaker 1: of mania until maybe early December if Yeah, so about

501
00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:59,240
Speaker 1: September to December. UM, I was manic that year and

502
00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:03,480
Speaker 1: I think that's the longest time. Well, oh I'm a liar. UM. Also,

503
00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:07,320
Speaker 1: UM nineteen the year that I had two episodes in

504
00:27:07,320 --> 00:27:10,399
Speaker 1: one year. UM, I was manic off and on that

505
00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:13,439
Speaker 1: whole year. UM, it was just a mess because I

506
00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:15,359
Speaker 1: just wasn't taking care of myself and I didn't have

507
00:27:15,359 --> 00:27:18,639
Speaker 1: the resources I needed to take care of myself. And

508
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:20,960
Speaker 1: that's something that I'm really I feel really strongly about

509
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:24,000
Speaker 1: as well. It's the fact that we don't have resources

510
00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:27,080
Speaker 1: in place for people who are going through crises. UM.

511
00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:29,680
Speaker 1: Like I mentioned earlier, the person in my life that

512
00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:32,719
Speaker 1: I was trying to help, find somewhere for them to go,

513
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:36,960
Speaker 1: find a psychiatrist, find anything for them that could help immediately.

514
00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:39,840
Speaker 1: We we were stumped. We didn't know what to do,

515
00:27:40,040 --> 00:27:42,160
Speaker 1: and they just ended up having to write it out

516
00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:45,280
Speaker 1: on their own. And I'm very blessed and grateful to

517
00:27:45,280 --> 00:27:49,160
Speaker 1: say that they're they're doing well today, but thanks to you,

518
00:27:49,440 --> 00:27:52,720
Speaker 1: Thank God. Yeah exactly, you know, And it's like they

519
00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:56,520
Speaker 1: literally just had to fend for themselves, and I'm like, bro,

520
00:27:56,760 --> 00:28:01,520
Speaker 1: that's not so fucking k. Like we need we need sources, resources,

521
00:28:01,560 --> 00:28:04,840
Speaker 1: we need to implement, like crisis center. It's like things

522
00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:07,800
Speaker 1: that anybody can go to it any time, not just

523
00:28:08,119 --> 00:28:11,320
Speaker 1: a psych ward or not just a mental health facility

524
00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:13,639
Speaker 1: where you have to stay for an extended period of time.

525
00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:16,760
Speaker 1: Like some people just need immediate, short term help, and

526
00:28:16,800 --> 00:28:19,560
Speaker 1: that wasn't available. So that's another reason why I feel

527
00:28:19,600 --> 00:28:23,040
Speaker 1: pretty strongly about like mental health issues. I feel like

528
00:28:23,040 --> 00:28:25,680
Speaker 1: we need a whole another conversation on like psyche wars

529
00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:29,200
Speaker 1: and crisis centers and stuff. Yeah, I feel like your

530
00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:33,119
Speaker 1: story is so like inspirational and it's so large, and

531
00:28:33,160 --> 00:28:36,160
Speaker 1: it's like I don't know if we're gonna fit everything in. Yeah,

532
00:28:37,359 --> 00:28:40,480
Speaker 1: thank you, I appreciate that. But maybe we I'm gonna

533
00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:42,600
Speaker 1: definitely catch up with touch base with you after this,

534
00:28:42,720 --> 00:28:44,400
Speaker 1: but because I feel like we need to go into

535
00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:47,600
Speaker 1: the like because when you feel like psyche wars, do

536
00:28:47,640 --> 00:28:51,960
Speaker 1: you feel like they get like a bad reputation because

537
00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:53,960
Speaker 1: I feel like in some cases some of them do

538
00:28:54,120 --> 00:28:56,400
Speaker 1: help bow, So I feel like some of them hurt

539
00:28:56,440 --> 00:29:00,480
Speaker 1: a lot. Yes, absolutely so. The first six Marrin's that

540
00:29:00,560 --> 00:29:05,640
Speaker 1: I had was absolutely terrible. Um, the people there only

541
00:29:05,680 --> 00:29:09,040
Speaker 1: cared about a check and it was very apparent, you

542
00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:10,840
Speaker 1: know that they didn't give a funk about the people

543
00:29:10,840 --> 00:29:14,480
Speaker 1: who were there who needed it. Is it absolutely is?

544
00:29:14,800 --> 00:29:18,880
Speaker 1: And you know, like I just have zero good experience. Well,

545
00:29:19,040 --> 00:29:21,560
Speaker 1: I have good experiences from that hospital, but it's because

546
00:29:21,560 --> 00:29:23,920
Speaker 1: of other patients who were there. I feel like they

547
00:29:23,960 --> 00:29:27,120
Speaker 1: helped me more than the people who are working there. So, Um,

548
00:29:27,160 --> 00:29:30,000
Speaker 1: that was the first one. The second one, um it

549
00:29:30,040 --> 00:29:32,440
Speaker 1: was it was okay. Um, the first one was a

550
00:29:32,520 --> 00:29:36,280
Speaker 1: co ed experience. The second one was all women. Um,

551
00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:39,239
Speaker 1: and you know that one was all right? But I

552
00:29:39,280 --> 00:29:41,600
Speaker 1: was like an upstate New York where it was really

553
00:29:41,600 --> 00:29:43,960
Speaker 1: hard for people to visit me. Um, So I was

554
00:29:44,040 --> 00:29:47,160
Speaker 1: kind of like alone in that respect, but it was

555
00:29:47,440 --> 00:29:50,560
Speaker 1: it was fair, you know. Um. And then the third

556
00:29:50,600 --> 00:29:54,400
Speaker 1: experience I feel was my best. Um and as far

557
00:29:54,440 --> 00:29:58,160
Speaker 1: as an environment, I really enjoyed, um, the freedom that

558
00:29:58,200 --> 00:30:01,080
Speaker 1: we had there. Um, you know, we could listen to

559
00:30:01,320 --> 00:30:03,880
Speaker 1: any kind of music we wanted to, not at any time,

560
00:30:03,920 --> 00:30:05,920
Speaker 1: but they would give us like segments in which we

561
00:30:05,960 --> 00:30:08,880
Speaker 1: could listen to music. And um, you know, it didn't

562
00:30:08,880 --> 00:30:10,760
Speaker 1: matter if they had curse words, if it was wrapped,

563
00:30:10,760 --> 00:30:12,720
Speaker 1: they let us played it, play it. And I really

564
00:30:12,720 --> 00:30:15,800
Speaker 1: appreciated that they let us go outside, which people don't

565
00:30:15,800 --> 00:30:19,760
Speaker 1: really understand is not always an option. And um, you know,

566
00:30:19,840 --> 00:30:23,000
Speaker 1: they really a lot of They let us, like you know,

567
00:30:23,240 --> 00:30:26,280
Speaker 1: have physical touch with each other, which many hospitals and

568
00:30:26,360 --> 00:30:29,960
Speaker 1: wards don't because they feel like that's encouraging bad behavior

569
00:30:30,200 --> 00:30:33,720
Speaker 1: or sexual behavior or whatever. But you know when yeah,

570
00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:36,880
Speaker 1: when people were released ahead of me and that in

571
00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:41,480
Speaker 1: that hospital or it was a facility rather um, you know,

572
00:30:41,520 --> 00:30:43,440
Speaker 1: they like pick me up and hug me and like

573
00:30:43,760 --> 00:30:46,000
Speaker 1: you know, we're spinning me around and nobody said anything.

574
00:30:46,480 --> 00:30:48,960
Speaker 1: And the first hospital that I went to, I couldn't

575
00:30:48,960 --> 00:30:53,680
Speaker 1: even like hold someone's hand without being reprimanded, and you know,

576
00:30:53,840 --> 00:30:55,880
Speaker 1: so that was another thing that I appreciate. It was

577
00:30:55,920 --> 00:31:00,800
Speaker 1: just like it wasn't it wasn't a jail like situation,

578
00:31:01,000 --> 00:31:05,239
Speaker 1: you know, And that's something that most of the like

579
00:31:05,320 --> 00:31:08,800
Speaker 1: three out of four the experiences, I would say it

580
00:31:08,880 --> 00:31:11,560
Speaker 1: felt like I was in jail. And I've never been

581
00:31:11,560 --> 00:31:13,720
Speaker 1: to jail, but my you know, I have people in

582
00:31:13,760 --> 00:31:15,720
Speaker 1: my life who have been who have mental health issues

583
00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:18,520
Speaker 1: and have also been hospitalized, and they say that it's

584
00:31:18,560 --> 00:31:22,440
Speaker 1: not far off. So um, you know, it's it's not

585
00:31:22,560 --> 00:31:26,239
Speaker 1: a pleasant experience most of the time. But um, you know,

586
00:31:26,520 --> 00:31:29,080
Speaker 1: I do appreciate the people who come and show up

587
00:31:29,640 --> 00:31:32,120
Speaker 1: and really care about the folks that they're that they're

588
00:31:32,160 --> 00:31:35,680
Speaker 1: there to help. Right, So where are someone to have

589
00:31:35,840 --> 00:31:39,160
Speaker 1: as you noticed about yourself during yours day at the hospitals?

590
00:31:39,800 --> 00:31:44,600
Speaker 1: Mm hmmm yeah. Um. I always have a Bible. That's

591
00:31:44,640 --> 00:31:46,800
Speaker 1: like the number one thing. Like I said earlier, I've

592
00:31:46,840 --> 00:31:50,800
Speaker 1: become very spiritual, very religious, hyper religious when I'm managed,

593
00:31:50,840 --> 00:31:54,200
Speaker 1: so I always have a Bible, and um, you know,

594
00:31:54,400 --> 00:31:58,120
Speaker 1: I tend to stir folks up. That's like my m O.

595
00:31:58,280 --> 00:32:01,040
Speaker 1: Whenever I'm annic. I'm just like, we need change, we

596
00:32:01,080 --> 00:32:03,920
Speaker 1: need reparations. We need this, we need this, we need

597
00:32:04,120 --> 00:32:06,680
Speaker 1: you know. I'm just like going off about all the things,

598
00:32:06,800 --> 00:32:10,360
Speaker 1: especially as black people, what we need. And I saw

599
00:32:10,400 --> 00:32:12,360
Speaker 1: a picture of you with your cash money shirt on.

600
00:32:12,760 --> 00:32:18,840
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yes, I know he was giving the people

601
00:32:18,840 --> 00:32:23,800
Speaker 1: will sink of you cha not playing no games. Oh

602
00:32:23,840 --> 00:32:26,120
Speaker 1: my god, that is so funny because this is true.

603
00:32:26,280 --> 00:32:29,080
Speaker 1: The second I got there, I started everything up. I

604
00:32:29,160 --> 00:32:32,120
Speaker 1: was like, you know, I didn't respect anybody. I was

605
00:32:32,160 --> 00:32:34,800
Speaker 1: slamming doors. I was doing as much as I could

606
00:32:34,880 --> 00:32:38,680
Speaker 1: to just calls a riot. And you know, the thing is,

607
00:32:38,680 --> 00:32:43,200
Speaker 1: people don't understand when you put many people together, everybody

608
00:32:43,240 --> 00:32:45,520
Speaker 1: goes and I don't want to stay crazy, but everybody

609
00:32:45,520 --> 00:32:48,600
Speaker 1: goes up. And especially because I don't know if it's

610
00:32:48,600 --> 00:32:51,000
Speaker 1: like some kind of frequency of the mind or whatever,

611
00:32:51,040 --> 00:32:54,320
Speaker 1: but it feels like everybody is in tune and we

612
00:32:54,480 --> 00:32:57,440
Speaker 1: all have a mission. And that's too like. And you know,

613
00:32:57,520 --> 00:33:03,440
Speaker 1: I've been placed in um secure wings quote unquote, because

614
00:33:03,560 --> 00:33:08,000
Speaker 1: I've been someone who stirs up trouble and um when

615
00:33:08,040 --> 00:33:10,200
Speaker 1: I'm placed in those wings, I feel like that's when

616
00:33:10,200 --> 00:33:13,880
Speaker 1: the most manic behavior happens because the people around me

617
00:33:13,920 --> 00:33:18,040
Speaker 1: are also going through it. So yeah, I That's another

618
00:33:18,120 --> 00:33:21,280
Speaker 1: thing that I do. That's um a habit when I

619
00:33:21,440 --> 00:33:24,400
Speaker 1: manag um and in these spaces and I'm trying to

620
00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:32,120
Speaker 1: think of one more thing, UM, I I tend to UM.

621
00:33:32,200 --> 00:33:35,440
Speaker 1: I tend to be very maternal. UM. You know, I

622
00:33:35,440 --> 00:33:38,440
Speaker 1: I want to help people, not just in the militant

623
00:33:38,520 --> 00:33:41,760
Speaker 1: you know, us versus them since but also like I

624
00:33:41,800 --> 00:33:44,960
Speaker 1: want to nurture and I want help. I want to

625
00:33:45,000 --> 00:33:48,520
Speaker 1: help people like you know, settle down and not get

626
00:33:48,520 --> 00:33:51,080
Speaker 1: in trouble, even though I'm causing trouble. It's very it

627
00:33:51,120 --> 00:33:53,920
Speaker 1: doesn't make sense, but that's mania for you. You know,

628
00:33:54,000 --> 00:33:57,800
Speaker 1: you have conflicting ideas about what you think you need

629
00:33:57,840 --> 00:34:01,640
Speaker 1: to do in order to like further humanity, but also

630
00:34:01,800 --> 00:34:04,400
Speaker 1: like what you need to do to further your own path.

631
00:34:05,040 --> 00:34:07,959
Speaker 1: And UM. Yeah, so those are some things that I

632
00:34:08,000 --> 00:34:11,520
Speaker 1: do in those spaces. And then I also um because

633
00:34:11,520 --> 00:34:15,919
Speaker 1: you will call yourself and leave yourself message Yeah yeah,

634
00:34:16,320 --> 00:34:18,239
Speaker 1: you you really have doing your research because I was

635
00:34:18,280 --> 00:34:20,680
Speaker 1: on my research, Chap. I just also I just admire

636
00:34:20,719 --> 00:34:22,279
Speaker 1: who you are. And I think that we need to

637
00:34:22,280 --> 00:34:24,880
Speaker 1: have more open conversations like this because all of us

638
00:34:24,960 --> 00:34:27,279
Speaker 1: is going through something. And I know when I was

639
00:34:27,320 --> 00:34:28,600
Speaker 1: going through things. I used to feel like I was

640
00:34:28,640 --> 00:34:31,160
Speaker 1: the only person going through it. So just to have

641
00:34:31,200 --> 00:34:33,719
Speaker 1: your story and to hear you speak on it so

642
00:34:33,880 --> 00:34:36,319
Speaker 1: thoroughly but with like I can feel the compassion and

643
00:34:36,320 --> 00:34:38,560
Speaker 1: stuff like, and I think this, this is very important.

644
00:34:38,560 --> 00:34:43,120
Speaker 1: So I'm excited. Thank you, this is so wonderful. I

645
00:34:43,160 --> 00:34:46,239
Speaker 1: really appreciate it. Um. Okay, so what was the question again,

646
00:34:46,280 --> 00:34:49,840
Speaker 1: I'm sorry for loving on each other. Were talking about

647
00:34:49,840 --> 00:34:56,319
Speaker 1: you leaving you calling your phone? Yeah, yes, so that started. Um. Well,

648
00:34:56,400 --> 00:34:59,000
Speaker 1: the first hospital I couldn't really call anybody because it

649
00:34:59,080 --> 00:35:02,040
Speaker 1: was just a piece of ship legs. But the second

650
00:35:02,080 --> 00:35:07,000
Speaker 1: time I had an experience, UM what happened? Oh no,

651
00:35:07,120 --> 00:35:09,360
Speaker 1: I was in New York, so I wasn't able to

652
00:35:09,360 --> 00:35:14,840
Speaker 1: call myself really then either. But the third time that hospitalization, UM,

653
00:35:15,000 --> 00:35:19,160
Speaker 1: I especially in the extended Observation Unit. I landed there

654
00:35:19,200 --> 00:35:23,000
Speaker 1: a few times before I was transferred to other facilities,

655
00:35:23,440 --> 00:35:26,160
Speaker 1: so they let you call and do whatever you want

656
00:35:26,200 --> 00:35:29,000
Speaker 1: in there. So I would just sit like every I swear,

657
00:35:29,040 --> 00:35:30,719
Speaker 1: every few minutes, I would go to that phone and

658
00:35:30,719 --> 00:35:33,719
Speaker 1: I would just be like, okay, you know, and I

659
00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:36,520
Speaker 1: was just like, you know, um, like when I managic,

660
00:35:36,600 --> 00:35:41,239
Speaker 1: I try to connect the dots between every single experience

661
00:35:41,280 --> 00:35:43,800
Speaker 1: of my life, be it cultural, be it personal, be

662
00:35:43,880 --> 00:35:46,279
Speaker 1: it professional. I'm like, oh, this happened because of this

663
00:35:46,320 --> 00:35:48,160
Speaker 1: and this and this. It's like it's very much like

664
00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:50,640
Speaker 1: the meme where the woman is like looking at all

665
00:35:50,680 --> 00:35:53,279
Speaker 1: the math symbols and she's like to figure it out.

666
00:35:53,320 --> 00:35:56,680
Speaker 1: Like that's what it's like for me. So, um, yeah,

667
00:35:56,680 --> 00:36:00,320
Speaker 1: when I'm able to call myself, I do, but because

668
00:36:00,400 --> 00:36:05,480
Speaker 1: I want. It's like I'm um sending dispatches to myself

669
00:36:05,960 --> 00:36:08,160
Speaker 1: and I'm like, Okay, well, you're not gonna remember this

670
00:36:08,239 --> 00:36:12,040
Speaker 1: because you're drugged up and or you're in a mantic state, obviously,

671
00:36:12,120 --> 00:36:14,160
Speaker 1: so let me tell you what's going on right now.

672
00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:16,840
Speaker 1: And I feel like it's been very you know, it

673
00:36:16,880 --> 00:36:19,080
Speaker 1: can be. It depends on how I feel on any

674
00:36:19,080 --> 00:36:21,120
Speaker 1: given day. But sometimes I'll listen back to it and

675
00:36:21,160 --> 00:36:23,200
Speaker 1: I think it's the funniest ship in the world. And

676
00:36:23,280 --> 00:36:25,000
Speaker 1: sometimes I'll listen and I'll be like, oh my god,

677
00:36:25,080 --> 00:36:28,920
Speaker 1: this is heartbreaking. But it's a helpful. Sometimes, Yeah, it's

678
00:36:28,960 --> 00:36:32,240
Speaker 1: absolutely helpful because it's helpful for me in that state

679
00:36:32,280 --> 00:36:35,000
Speaker 1: because I get to get my emotions out and I

680
00:36:35,040 --> 00:36:37,279
Speaker 1: get to talk to somebody, even if it's myself in

681
00:36:37,320 --> 00:36:40,080
Speaker 1: the future, and it's also helpful for me outside of

682
00:36:40,080 --> 00:36:42,960
Speaker 1: that because I get to hear what I'm like in

683
00:36:43,000 --> 00:36:46,160
Speaker 1: that state, and I get to hear like, how how

684
00:36:46,239 --> 00:36:49,360
Speaker 1: am I communicating with myself and how am I communicating

685
00:36:49,400 --> 00:36:53,440
Speaker 1: with other people while I'm manic And it's fascinating, you know.

686
00:36:53,719 --> 00:36:56,120
Speaker 1: I hate I hate to say that because it sounds

687
00:36:56,120 --> 00:36:58,239
Speaker 1: like I'm looking at myself like a specimen. But I'm

688
00:36:58,280 --> 00:37:00,719
Speaker 1: just trying to get like an area of you of

689
00:37:00,800 --> 00:37:05,800
Speaker 1: like what's going on and it really is. Um it's

690
00:37:05,840 --> 00:37:12,000
Speaker 1: it's fucking insane to like listen to yourself in another state. Yeah,

691
00:37:12,080 --> 00:37:14,359
Speaker 1: it's it's eye opening, that's the word for it. You know.

692
00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:17,120
Speaker 1: It's it's just like, you know, wow, like this is

693
00:37:17,160 --> 00:37:18,680
Speaker 1: what I was going through. Like I'm not gonna lie.

694
00:37:18,719 --> 00:37:21,719
Speaker 1: I was just listening to um oops almost scratch my

695
00:37:21,719 --> 00:37:27,200
Speaker 1: eyebrow off child, thank you so um yeah, I was

696
00:37:28,040 --> 00:37:32,279
Speaker 1: listening back just this week, um too. I I also

697
00:37:32,360 --> 00:37:36,200
Speaker 1: record voice memos when I'm leading up to Mania, so

698
00:37:36,400 --> 00:37:39,279
Speaker 1: I I try to capture myself, I guess as a journalist,

699
00:37:39,360 --> 00:37:42,080
Speaker 1: like I try to capture every single moment that I

700
00:37:42,120 --> 00:37:44,680
Speaker 1: can so I can go back to it and either

701
00:37:44,719 --> 00:37:48,080
Speaker 1: write about it or make some kind of TV show

702
00:37:48,160 --> 00:37:50,600
Speaker 1: or film or something one day. Because when I manic,

703
00:37:50,640 --> 00:37:52,640
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm the most important person in the world.

704
00:37:52,640 --> 00:37:54,719
Speaker 1: So I'm like, oh, people want to hear this, so

705
00:37:54,840 --> 00:37:57,680
Speaker 1: um yeah. So I document a lot. And I was

706
00:37:57,719 --> 00:38:00,840
Speaker 1: listening back to these voice memos and it's like I

707
00:38:00,880 --> 00:38:04,279
Speaker 1: can hear each step of the way toward mania, and

708
00:38:04,320 --> 00:38:09,080
Speaker 1: it's so interesting because like it'll start out like, um,

709
00:38:09,239 --> 00:38:11,839
Speaker 1: one voice memo was like my body feels like it's

710
00:38:11,880 --> 00:38:14,120
Speaker 1: vibrating and my heart is beating out of my chest.

711
00:38:14,520 --> 00:38:17,120
Speaker 1: And I was like, I know, I'm not manic right now,

712
00:38:17,200 --> 00:38:20,560
Speaker 1: but I think this is the beginning. And as each

713
00:38:20,680 --> 00:38:24,239
Speaker 1: voice memo goes on, it just kind of spirals out,

714
00:38:24,360 --> 00:38:26,600
Speaker 1: you know, and I'm like talking about things that don't

715
00:38:26,600 --> 00:38:29,240
Speaker 1: make sense or I'm trying to connect dots that aren't

716
00:38:29,239 --> 00:38:32,200
Speaker 1: meant to be connected, and it just goes from there.

717
00:38:32,239 --> 00:38:35,720
Speaker 1: So yeah, I try to UM. I try to document

718
00:38:35,719 --> 00:38:38,920
Speaker 1: as much as I can, just because I feel like

719
00:38:38,960 --> 00:38:41,120
Speaker 1: it's important, you know, not just for me, but for

720
00:38:41,200 --> 00:38:44,400
Speaker 1: anybody who wants to understand like what one person is

721
00:38:44,440 --> 00:38:47,760
Speaker 1: going through in the state, because everybody's experience is different,

722
00:38:47,880 --> 00:38:52,160
Speaker 1: very very different, right, And I know during most of

723
00:38:52,200 --> 00:38:55,200
Speaker 1: your stays at the hospitals you have been sedated. How

724
00:38:55,239 --> 00:39:00,239
Speaker 1: do you feel about that? Oh? Man, Um, I don't

725
00:39:00,280 --> 00:39:02,600
Speaker 1: like it, you know. UM. I feel like they do

726
00:39:02,680 --> 00:39:08,040
Speaker 1: it because I am so aggressive and so um irritable

727
00:39:08,200 --> 00:39:11,160
Speaker 1: that they don't want to get hurt. So I understand

728
00:39:11,200 --> 00:39:13,680
Speaker 1: why they do it. They just want to calm me down.

729
00:39:14,280 --> 00:39:18,160
Speaker 1: But I have lost weeks of my life to sedation,

730
00:39:18,239 --> 00:39:21,480
Speaker 1: Like I just don't remember ship. And you know, it's

731
00:39:21,520 --> 00:39:23,319
Speaker 1: like I understand that you have to do this in

732
00:39:23,440 --> 00:39:25,960
Speaker 1: order to protect yourself and the people around me and

733
00:39:26,000 --> 00:39:30,120
Speaker 1: everything like that, but you're literally like taking life from me.

734
00:39:30,280 --> 00:39:33,200
Speaker 1: You know, That's how I see it. And you know,

735
00:39:33,640 --> 00:39:36,719
Speaker 1: both my brother and my sister have visited me while

736
00:39:36,719 --> 00:39:39,440
Speaker 1: I've been extremely sedated, and they they're just like, you know,

737
00:39:39,480 --> 00:39:41,919
Speaker 1: you're dragging your feet, you're mumbling. You can't I can't

738
00:39:41,960 --> 00:39:44,560
Speaker 1: make out what you're saying. Um. You know, I end

739
00:39:44,640 --> 00:39:46,960
Speaker 1: up talking to other patients more than you because you

740
00:39:47,000 --> 00:39:51,120
Speaker 1: can't speak. And you know, it's just like it's not

741
00:39:51,239 --> 00:39:53,319
Speaker 1: a fun thing to go through, you know, Like when

742
00:39:53,400 --> 00:39:56,920
Speaker 1: I finally come out of that sedation, I'm like where, Like,

743
00:39:57,000 --> 00:40:00,480
Speaker 1: how do I. You know, I'm like, how do you? Yeah? Yeah,

744
00:40:00,520 --> 00:40:04,080
Speaker 1: I'm absolutely confused. And then like you know, the moments

745
00:40:04,120 --> 00:40:06,560
Speaker 1: where I do kind of realize like oh I'm in

746
00:40:06,600 --> 00:40:09,880
Speaker 1: a psych word again, you know, and then I'm like, damn,

747
00:40:09,960 --> 00:40:13,239
Speaker 1: like what happened before this? Like did you know? Was

748
00:40:13,320 --> 00:40:17,279
Speaker 1: I did I harm someone? You know? Did I hurt myself?

749
00:40:17,480 --> 00:40:19,239
Speaker 1: You know, I'm always trying to figure out, like how

750
00:40:19,239 --> 00:40:22,319
Speaker 1: did I get to this current point? So yeah, I

751
00:40:22,320 --> 00:40:26,040
Speaker 1: don't like your anxiety to go up. Yeah exactly. You know,

752
00:40:26,120 --> 00:40:29,040
Speaker 1: it's like all these dominoes that fall because of this

753
00:40:29,120 --> 00:40:33,040
Speaker 1: one situation. So um yeah, I don't like being stated.

754
00:40:33,120 --> 00:40:36,919
Speaker 1: It's not fun um, and I feel like it's kind

755
00:40:36,960 --> 00:40:40,280
Speaker 1: of inhumane to just like shut a person up because

756
00:40:40,280 --> 00:40:43,200
Speaker 1: you don't want to deal with them. Um. But you know,

757
00:40:43,360 --> 00:40:46,160
Speaker 1: I that's that's our current system, you know. It is

758
00:40:46,200 --> 00:40:48,799
Speaker 1: what it is, and I hope that it changes soon.

759
00:40:48,880 --> 00:40:53,400
Speaker 1: I hope that people will let folks express themselves in

760
00:40:53,480 --> 00:40:56,319
Speaker 1: the moment and go through what they need to go through,

761
00:40:56,360 --> 00:41:01,279
Speaker 1: because I I feel this is like another theory of mine,

762
00:41:01,320 --> 00:41:05,560
Speaker 1: but I feel like episodes happen until you go through

763
00:41:05,560 --> 00:41:08,000
Speaker 1: what you need to go through. And I feel like

764
00:41:08,040 --> 00:41:11,640
Speaker 1: my episodes are always stopped and tamped down before I'm

765
00:41:11,680 --> 00:41:14,560
Speaker 1: able to have the full experience of what I'm going through,

766
00:41:14,600 --> 00:41:17,839
Speaker 1: and that's why they keep reoccurring. Um And I've I've

767
00:41:17,880 --> 00:41:20,839
Speaker 1: talked to so many people who, um, you know, who

768
00:41:20,840 --> 00:41:24,040
Speaker 1: have had the chance to just go through what they're

769
00:41:24,040 --> 00:41:27,880
Speaker 1: going through and they've never had another episode, you know.

770
00:41:28,000 --> 00:41:29,799
Speaker 1: And I'm not saying that that would be the case

771
00:41:29,840 --> 00:41:32,920
Speaker 1: for me or for anybody else, but I do feel

772
00:41:32,960 --> 00:41:37,440
Speaker 1: like culturally, as a society, whatever way you want to

773
00:41:37,440 --> 00:41:41,080
Speaker 1: say it, what we do here in America and in

774
00:41:41,160 --> 00:41:45,200
Speaker 1: Western societies is we shut the person up and we

775
00:41:45,239 --> 00:41:47,560
Speaker 1: get rid of the problem in that way, and we

776
00:41:47,600 --> 00:41:49,640
Speaker 1: don't ask like, well, what led up to this, like

777
00:41:49,680 --> 00:41:51,480
Speaker 1: how did you how did you feel before this free

778
00:41:51,520 --> 00:41:55,239
Speaker 1: going to therapy? Like were you excavating experiences that led

779
00:41:55,280 --> 00:41:58,840
Speaker 1: to you feeling this way? And you know, and I

780
00:41:58,880 --> 00:42:01,840
Speaker 1: feel like at this point, we just we just shoved

781
00:42:01,840 --> 00:42:04,879
Speaker 1: pills down people's throats and we just hope that they

782
00:42:04,960 --> 00:42:08,440
Speaker 1: never have another episode. And that hasn't worked out for

783
00:42:08,520 --> 00:42:11,919
Speaker 1: me because I have had I have had episodes even

784
00:42:12,000 --> 00:42:15,040
Speaker 1: though I've been medicated, so you know, they come when

785
00:42:15,080 --> 00:42:18,680
Speaker 1: they come, and I just feel like it doesn't help

786
00:42:18,719 --> 00:42:22,640
Speaker 1: and it doesn't benefit anyone when we don't explore and

787
00:42:22,760 --> 00:42:27,200
Speaker 1: intentionally thoroughly look at why someone might be going through

788
00:42:27,239 --> 00:42:29,640
Speaker 1: what they're going through. Right, So, do you feel like

789
00:42:29,680 --> 00:42:33,399
Speaker 1: medication helps? I'm sorry, I can't said it again. I said,

790
00:42:33,400 --> 00:42:37,560
Speaker 1: do you feel like medication helps? Yeah? You know I've been, Um,

791
00:42:37,600 --> 00:42:41,400
Speaker 1: I've been consistently taking medication since my last episode and

792
00:42:41,440 --> 00:42:44,759
Speaker 1: I haven't had another one, you know, So I I'm

793
00:42:44,880 --> 00:42:49,400
Speaker 1: very aware that that is, um, you know, a correlated factor,

794
00:42:49,560 --> 00:42:53,919
Speaker 1: you know, like I am not just out here on

795
00:42:53,960 --> 00:42:57,120
Speaker 1: my own, you know, going through mania, going through depression

796
00:42:57,520 --> 00:43:00,560
Speaker 1: like willy nilly like I used to, and that's because

797
00:43:00,560 --> 00:43:03,840
Speaker 1: I'm taking medication. So I think it's helpful. Do I

798
00:43:03,840 --> 00:43:05,440
Speaker 1: want to be on it for the rest of my life?

799
00:43:05,480 --> 00:43:09,759
Speaker 1: Probably not, um, But for now it's working for me.

800
00:43:10,200 --> 00:43:12,600
Speaker 1: And that's another thing that I want people to understand

801
00:43:12,680 --> 00:43:17,319
Speaker 1: is that, yes, you know, medication can you know, make

802
00:43:17,400 --> 00:43:22,239
Speaker 1: you feel dull and drugged out sometimes, but you know,

803
00:43:22,320 --> 00:43:25,880
Speaker 1: they're also like it's stages to it as there is everything.

804
00:43:26,440 --> 00:43:29,240
Speaker 1: You know, Um, I have to I had to stick

805
00:43:29,280 --> 00:43:32,439
Speaker 1: with it for like they say, like three to four

806
00:43:32,480 --> 00:43:35,200
Speaker 1: weeks until you really get the sense of where the

807
00:43:35,200 --> 00:43:38,160
Speaker 1: medication is going. So you know, it's it's a process

808
00:43:38,160 --> 00:43:40,440
Speaker 1: and you have to find the right medications and you

809
00:43:40,560 --> 00:43:43,239
Speaker 1: have to find um, you know, there are just so

810
00:43:43,280 --> 00:43:45,800
Speaker 1: many factors that like a right therapist, Like I'm still

811
00:43:45,880 --> 00:43:48,480
Speaker 1: on the hunt for a therapist that I feel I

812
00:43:48,520 --> 00:43:55,760
Speaker 1: can tell everything too, because oh please, like I'm so excited,

813
00:43:57,120 --> 00:44:00,040
Speaker 1: but I share her what you like? Okay, thank you

814
00:44:00,040 --> 00:44:02,520
Speaker 1: would love her, like she looks like us, She's an

815
00:44:02,520 --> 00:44:06,400
Speaker 1: older lady, like like she totally totally gets it. Like

816
00:44:06,440 --> 00:44:09,359
Speaker 1: she helped me so much on my journey. So that's

817
00:44:09,400 --> 00:44:12,319
Speaker 1: what's up. I love to hear that, because, Yeah, I

818
00:44:12,360 --> 00:44:14,600
Speaker 1: had a really great therapist the one that I was

819
00:44:14,640 --> 00:44:19,200
Speaker 1: seeing when everything popped off in six and um, you know,

820
00:44:19,239 --> 00:44:22,560
Speaker 1: she was able to help me after I um came

821
00:44:22,600 --> 00:44:24,720
Speaker 1: out of that episode and like, you know, I moved

822
00:44:25,160 --> 00:44:27,720
Speaker 1: back to d C, which is where my journey started

823
00:44:27,719 --> 00:44:30,440
Speaker 1: in my career, and she was able to like, you know,

824
00:44:30,680 --> 00:44:33,960
Speaker 1: help me when I was there. So she was wonderful.

825
00:44:34,000 --> 00:44:36,319
Speaker 1: You know. She Um, she was a black woman, and

826
00:44:36,960 --> 00:44:40,040
Speaker 1: she really helped me to get to the bottom of

827
00:44:40,080 --> 00:44:42,879
Speaker 1: a lot of my emotions and help me figure out

828
00:44:42,920 --> 00:44:45,600
Speaker 1: like why do I feel stagnant in this respect or

829
00:44:45,640 --> 00:44:48,440
Speaker 1: why do I feel like I'm super advanced here but

830
00:44:48,520 --> 00:44:51,279
Speaker 1: not here? So you know, she she helped me a lot.

831
00:44:51,320 --> 00:44:53,360
Speaker 1: And like I said, I've been looking for someone I

832
00:44:53,400 --> 00:44:55,799
Speaker 1: feel who is up to par with the work that

833
00:44:55,840 --> 00:44:59,239
Speaker 1: we did together. But yeah, I'm super excited to potentially,

834
00:44:59,600 --> 00:45:03,400
Speaker 1: UM here about yours. Yes, you would love her? Like seriously,

835
00:45:03,920 --> 00:45:07,160
Speaker 1: thank you, thank you. Now you've been doing your career

836
00:45:07,200 --> 00:45:10,760
Speaker 1: for over ten years. So how does listen to music

837
00:45:10,800 --> 00:45:13,200
Speaker 1: look like for you when you have an episode? Mm

838
00:45:13,280 --> 00:45:16,759
Speaker 1: hmmm mmmm, this is a good question to um. So

839
00:45:17,280 --> 00:45:24,200
Speaker 1: then on, hey, I love it, yes, so, um music

840
00:45:24,440 --> 00:45:29,080
Speaker 1: and mania for me is it could be the title

841
00:45:29,120 --> 00:45:34,680
Speaker 1: of a whole memoir honestly, Um, but yeah, it's very intensified.

842
00:45:35,160 --> 00:45:38,120
Speaker 1: I already love music, already listen to music more than

843
00:45:38,160 --> 00:45:41,279
Speaker 1: I do anything else. Um, I don't watch TV that

844
00:45:41,360 --> 00:45:44,759
Speaker 1: often because I'm just listening to music. So it's a

845
00:45:44,760 --> 00:45:47,520
Speaker 1: big part of my life as is. And when I manage,

846
00:45:47,680 --> 00:45:53,280
Speaker 1: it becomes my entire world, and I become very obsessed

847
00:45:53,320 --> 00:45:56,359
Speaker 1: with like certain artists. Um, like there's an artist named

848
00:45:56,440 --> 00:46:00,880
Speaker 1: Rob Banks who's a Florida rapper, And um, when I'm manage,

849
00:46:00,960 --> 00:46:03,080
Speaker 1: I'm so drawn to his work. I don't know what

850
00:46:03,120 --> 00:46:06,360
Speaker 1: it is. I can't explain it, but um, I feel

851
00:46:06,400 --> 00:46:10,040
Speaker 1: like he is communicating with me directly, and like I

852
00:46:10,120 --> 00:46:14,719
Speaker 1: was saying, like when I'm sending messages to myself through

853
00:46:14,719 --> 00:46:17,360
Speaker 1: the phone or whatever, I feel like he's sending dispadges

854
00:46:17,440 --> 00:46:20,000
Speaker 1: to me as well. So it's like I feel like

855
00:46:20,160 --> 00:46:22,160
Speaker 1: and not just with him, but he's the main one,

856
00:46:22,200 --> 00:46:26,960
Speaker 1: but with all of hip hop, I feel like it's

857
00:46:27,000 --> 00:46:31,400
Speaker 1: like a contemporary version of the Bible, and like God

858
00:46:31,560 --> 00:46:34,200
Speaker 1: is communicating to me like Okay, this is like how

859
00:46:34,280 --> 00:46:37,000
Speaker 1: things started, and this is when things changed, and this

860
00:46:37,040 --> 00:46:40,480
Speaker 1: is when you came into the picture and things like that.

861
00:46:40,560 --> 00:46:44,120
Speaker 1: So I become very very obsessed with just certain artists,

862
00:46:44,120 --> 00:46:47,359
Speaker 1: certain lyrics, certain songs, certain albums, and I want other

863
00:46:47,440 --> 00:46:49,839
Speaker 1: people to hear it the way that I do. So

864
00:46:49,960 --> 00:46:52,279
Speaker 1: I'll like, like I remember the last time I was

865
00:46:52,320 --> 00:46:56,640
Speaker 1: in a hospital, I um, I when I was cognizant.

866
00:46:56,760 --> 00:47:01,000
Speaker 1: I remember like writing songs on by bold pages because

867
00:47:01,000 --> 00:47:03,920
Speaker 1: that was the only paper I had with these markers,

868
00:47:04,120 --> 00:47:06,120
Speaker 1: you know, and like ripping out the pages and giving

869
00:47:06,120 --> 00:47:08,600
Speaker 1: it to my sister and being like here, listen to this,

870
00:47:09,120 --> 00:47:11,160
Speaker 1: and then like calling my brother and being like, did

871
00:47:11,160 --> 00:47:13,279
Speaker 1: you hear the Saver Shot album? Go listen to it?

872
00:47:13,320 --> 00:47:15,480
Speaker 1: Tell me what you think, and like just like trying

873
00:47:15,520 --> 00:47:19,080
Speaker 1: to bring people into my manic world. And you know,

874
00:47:19,320 --> 00:47:21,880
Speaker 1: because it's it's it's super fun, you know, Like I know,

875
00:47:21,960 --> 00:47:24,160
Speaker 1: I'm not supposed to say that, but it's one of

876
00:47:24,200 --> 00:47:26,720
Speaker 1: the most fun experiences I've ever had in my life

877
00:47:26,760 --> 00:47:30,720
Speaker 1: because I'm literally living and breathing and finding these clues

878
00:47:30,760 --> 00:47:33,319
Speaker 1: and these messages in this music that I love so

879
00:47:33,440 --> 00:47:36,040
Speaker 1: much that I've never heard before, or these messages that

880
00:47:36,080 --> 00:47:40,680
Speaker 1: I've never heard before within songs that I love so much. So, um, yeah,

881
00:47:40,800 --> 00:47:43,240
Speaker 1: it's it's a it's a hell of a ride. Um

882
00:47:43,280 --> 00:47:46,160
Speaker 1: it's one of the most intense things that anybody can

883
00:47:46,200 --> 00:47:52,200
Speaker 1: go through through, I feel. And Yeah, if anything, that's

884
00:47:52,239 --> 00:47:55,759
Speaker 1: something that I miss about mania is being able to

885
00:47:56,360 --> 00:48:01,239
Speaker 1: see things that I hadn't seen before. So talk about

886
00:48:01,280 --> 00:48:05,400
Speaker 1: how Kanye's album Yea had a major impact on you, Yeah,

887
00:48:05,800 --> 00:48:10,799
Speaker 1: I shall and I love that album. Yeah. See, a

888
00:48:10,800 --> 00:48:12,840
Speaker 1: lot of people thought it was mid you know, and

889
00:48:12,880 --> 00:48:16,040
Speaker 1: I was like, are y'all hearing what I'm hearing? So yeah,

890
00:48:16,320 --> 00:48:21,120
Speaker 1: So that album, Um, you know, I had been suspicious

891
00:48:21,160 --> 00:48:26,279
Speaker 1: of Kanye's bipolar diagnosis. Um for a while before that

892
00:48:26,360 --> 00:48:31,120
Speaker 1: album came out, and you know, I was I remember

893
00:48:31,160 --> 00:48:33,720
Speaker 1: I was working for a hip hop company at that time,

894
00:48:34,239 --> 00:48:37,319
Speaker 1: and we were all sitting around at late at night

895
00:48:37,360 --> 00:48:39,399
Speaker 1: waiting for him to play the album so we could

896
00:48:39,400 --> 00:48:42,759
Speaker 1: write about it as quickly as possible. And you know,

897
00:48:42,840 --> 00:48:45,720
Speaker 1: he played the first song finally after hours of waiting,

898
00:48:45,960 --> 00:48:47,719
Speaker 1: and then he played the second song, I Believe, which

899
00:48:47,760 --> 00:48:51,640
Speaker 1: is the Yikes, and he says, you know, I, you know,

900
00:48:51,719 --> 00:48:54,759
Speaker 1: that's my bipolar disorder. It's not a it's not a disability.

901
00:48:54,760 --> 00:48:58,040
Speaker 1: It's a superpower and things like that, and I remember

902
00:48:58,080 --> 00:49:01,000
Speaker 1: I yelped. I was like, oh my god, like I

903
00:49:01,000 --> 00:49:02,719
Speaker 1: can't believe he just said that. I knew it. I

904
00:49:02,760 --> 00:49:05,480
Speaker 1: knew I knew it. You know. So people are like

905
00:49:05,560 --> 00:49:07,680
Speaker 1: chatting me on the side, like yo, you called it,

906
00:49:07,680 --> 00:49:09,600
Speaker 1: like you saw this coming. And I'm like yeah, whatever,

907
00:49:09,640 --> 00:49:11,759
Speaker 1: like we gotta we gotta get through this night. So

908
00:49:11,880 --> 00:49:16,360
Speaker 1: the morning, I'm like walking. I'm pacing in my apartment

909
00:49:16,840 --> 00:49:18,680
Speaker 1: and I was living in Bedstude at that time. I

910
00:49:18,719 --> 00:49:21,759
Speaker 1: missed that apartment so much, but um, yeah, I'm like

911
00:49:21,840 --> 00:49:24,520
Speaker 1: pacing this apartment, Like how am I going to talk

912
00:49:24,520 --> 00:49:27,120
Speaker 1: to these people at work, because I know everybody's gonna

913
00:49:27,120 --> 00:49:29,680
Speaker 1: be staring me in the face, like, so he said

914
00:49:29,680 --> 00:49:32,279
Speaker 1: he's bipolar, you're bipolar? What do you think? And I

915
00:49:32,320 --> 00:49:37,279
Speaker 1: would exactly exactly. If there's any way to single a

916
00:49:37,320 --> 00:49:43,480
Speaker 1: person out for their experiences, people are gonna do it.

917
00:49:43,719 --> 00:49:46,840
Speaker 1: So I'm pacing, you know, trying to get my thoughts together.

918
00:49:47,120 --> 00:49:49,799
Speaker 1: And then he finally drops the album cover, which says

919
00:49:49,840 --> 00:49:52,560
Speaker 1: I hate being bipolar? Is uh wait, what does this say?

920
00:49:52,600 --> 00:49:56,640
Speaker 1: I hate being bipolar? It's awesome? Yeah, So um, I'm

921
00:49:56,680 --> 00:49:59,799
Speaker 1: like okay. So he's doubling down, tantos down, like he's

922
00:50:00,000 --> 00:50:02,960
Speaker 1: on for it with this this cover in with these lyrics.

923
00:50:03,320 --> 00:50:05,040
Speaker 1: So I hop on the train. I get to work.

924
00:50:05,239 --> 00:50:07,920
Speaker 1: The first thing we do is have like a team meeting.

925
00:50:08,440 --> 00:50:11,280
Speaker 1: It's about fifteen to twenty people in the room and

926
00:50:11,400 --> 00:50:13,879
Speaker 1: everybody's looking at me and I'm like, oh my god.

927
00:50:14,160 --> 00:50:16,920
Speaker 1: So they're like, so, like, what is he talking about?

928
00:50:16,960 --> 00:50:19,319
Speaker 1: Like what does he mean by this? And I think

929
00:50:19,360 --> 00:50:23,120
Speaker 1: they were expecting me to say that he was wrong about,

930
00:50:23,200 --> 00:50:25,760
Speaker 1: you know, feeling like bipolar is a superpower, or feeling

931
00:50:25,800 --> 00:50:29,239
Speaker 1: like it's awesome even though it sucks. Um, you know,

932
00:50:29,360 --> 00:50:32,560
Speaker 1: I think they were expecting me to just like hop

933
00:50:32,600 --> 00:50:34,640
Speaker 1: on the side that they were already on, which is

934
00:50:35,840 --> 00:50:38,400
Speaker 1: that's not true, you know, even though they don't have

935
00:50:38,480 --> 00:50:42,239
Speaker 1: the experience themselves. And what I did was I explained

936
00:50:42,360 --> 00:50:45,800
Speaker 1: exactly why I felt like he was right in that moment.

937
00:50:45,960 --> 00:50:48,440
Speaker 1: You know, the moment before and after I don't agree with,

938
00:50:48,520 --> 00:50:50,680
Speaker 1: but in that moment, I was like, I understand what

939
00:50:50,719 --> 00:50:54,080
Speaker 1: he's saying. And it was just like dead quiet, you know,

940
00:50:54,239 --> 00:50:57,359
Speaker 1: my voice was quivering, and I was so nervous because again,

941
00:50:57,400 --> 00:51:01,280
Speaker 1: I'm very introverted, even though I do public work, and um,

942
00:51:01,320 --> 00:51:02,920
Speaker 1: you know, I was just trying to break down like

943
00:51:03,000 --> 00:51:07,560
Speaker 1: every reason why I felt like bipolar could be seen

944
00:51:07,719 --> 00:51:10,200
Speaker 1: as a positive just as much as it is a negative.

945
00:51:10,800 --> 00:51:13,719
Speaker 1: And you know, they, you know, they understood where I

946
00:51:13,719 --> 00:51:15,680
Speaker 1: was coming from. And then I wrote my first piece

947
00:51:15,719 --> 00:51:19,400
Speaker 1: about Kanye and bipolar like that day, and then I

948
00:51:19,440 --> 00:51:22,040
Speaker 1: worked on it through the weekend. Me and my editor

949
00:51:22,160 --> 00:51:24,160
Speaker 1: were going back and forth about it, and then we

950
00:51:24,200 --> 00:51:27,280
Speaker 1: published it. And you know, that was like my first

951
00:51:27,400 --> 00:51:30,319
Speaker 1: Kanye bipolar piece and I've written quite a few since then,

952
00:51:30,440 --> 00:51:33,360
Speaker 1: but yeah, that was, um, you know, it really opened

953
00:51:33,360 --> 00:51:38,520
Speaker 1: the door for me because I had long had experiences

954
00:51:38,560 --> 00:51:42,719
Speaker 1: that I felt I couldn't relate to people, and he

955
00:51:42,840 --> 00:51:45,879
Speaker 1: came along and was like, Hey, I have this thing too,

956
00:51:45,960 --> 00:51:48,120
Speaker 1: let's talk And I was like, oh, ship, like it's

957
00:51:48,160 --> 00:51:50,440
Speaker 1: my time. I can talk about this, like I can

958
00:51:50,480 --> 00:51:54,000
Speaker 1: point at his characteristics and my characteristics and draw a

959
00:51:54,080 --> 00:51:57,200
Speaker 1: line and you know, not saying that I am Kanye

960
00:51:57,320 --> 00:51:59,759
Speaker 1: or that I have like his qualities, but there are

961
00:51:59,760 --> 00:52:01,640
Speaker 1: certain and things that he does and says that I

962
00:52:01,719 --> 00:52:05,239
Speaker 1: do and say, especially in media. So um, you know,

963
00:52:05,360 --> 00:52:07,640
Speaker 1: I was just I was just excited, and I've been

964
00:52:08,280 --> 00:52:12,280
Speaker 1: very grateful um to have someone who was a public

965
00:52:12,320 --> 00:52:14,759
Speaker 1: figure such as him that I can look at and

966
00:52:14,800 --> 00:52:17,560
Speaker 1: be like, this is what's going on, and this is

967
00:52:17,600 --> 00:52:20,359
Speaker 1: how I can relate to it, because for so long

968
00:52:20,400 --> 00:52:23,000
Speaker 1: I felt like I was just like you were saying, alone,

969
00:52:23,600 --> 00:52:26,160
Speaker 1: Like in my experience, I felt like nobody couldn't understand

970
00:52:26,200 --> 00:52:29,520
Speaker 1: what I was going through. And so that really freed me.

971
00:52:29,719 --> 00:52:35,240
Speaker 1: And it's really unfortunate that the things that are happening

972
00:52:35,280 --> 00:52:38,640
Speaker 1: around him now are happening. But I will always be

973
00:52:38,719 --> 00:52:42,200
Speaker 1: grateful that, you know, he came out and said it,

974
00:52:42,280 --> 00:52:45,440
Speaker 1: because so many people in this industry probably are bipolar

975
00:52:45,560 --> 00:52:50,560
Speaker 1: or schizophrenic or schizo effective or have Bordomline personality to disorder,

976
00:52:51,040 --> 00:52:53,399
Speaker 1: like so many people might have some kind of UM

977
00:52:53,520 --> 00:52:57,120
Speaker 1: illness and won't speak on it because they're afraid or

978
00:52:57,280 --> 00:53:01,439
Speaker 1: they think that they'll be blacklisted or whatever. So UM, yeah,

979
00:53:01,600 --> 00:53:05,200
Speaker 1: I'm I'm just grateful that he took the time to

980
00:53:05,520 --> 00:53:07,640
Speaker 1: speak on it because it gave a lot of people

981
00:53:07,680 --> 00:53:10,279
Speaker 1: freedom to speak on it as well. Right, And you

982
00:53:10,360 --> 00:53:12,640
Speaker 1: also mentioned in one of your videos how people should

983
00:53:12,640 --> 00:53:15,040
Speaker 1: have more compassion for him. So what are your thults

984
00:53:15,120 --> 00:53:19,720
Speaker 1: when people say, um, people are using meals and illness

985
00:53:19,800 --> 00:53:25,200
Speaker 1: as an excuse for his behavior. Yeah, I understand, you know, Um,

986
00:53:25,239 --> 00:53:28,080
Speaker 1: I definitely understand, and I'm not trying to make excuses

987
00:53:28,120 --> 00:53:31,480
Speaker 1: for him. I'm certainly not. Um. You know, I think

988
00:53:31,520 --> 00:53:35,000
Speaker 1: he's done and said some abhorring stuff and I don't

989
00:53:35,800 --> 00:53:38,680
Speaker 1: stand behind it at all. But as someone who goes

990
00:53:38,760 --> 00:53:43,480
Speaker 1: through mania, as someone who has been hospitalized not of

991
00:53:43,520 --> 00:53:49,360
Speaker 1: their own volition, Um, I feel like Kanye is in

992
00:53:49,400 --> 00:53:54,359
Speaker 1: a situation where he's lost a lot, and loss and

993
00:53:54,520 --> 00:53:58,799
Speaker 1: stress behind loss can trigger episodes, and when you're in

994
00:53:58,840 --> 00:54:02,480
Speaker 1: the midst of those episodes, odes anything can happen. You know,

995
00:54:02,680 --> 00:54:06,000
Speaker 1: you can Um. I was having a conversation with a

996
00:54:06,080 --> 00:54:09,680
Speaker 1: friend who asked me this question an editor of mine,

997
00:54:10,080 --> 00:54:12,200
Speaker 1: and he was like, how do you how do you

998
00:54:12,480 --> 00:54:14,839
Speaker 1: react to when people like, you know, say that it's

999
00:54:14,840 --> 00:54:18,640
Speaker 1: not an excuse, And I was like, honestly, I get it,

1000
00:54:18,800 --> 00:54:21,520
Speaker 1: but I also want people to understand that, like when

1001
00:54:21,520 --> 00:54:26,640
Speaker 1: you're going through mania, you don't exactly understand that the

1002
00:54:26,760 --> 00:54:30,800
Speaker 1: things that you're saying have real consequences and the things

1003
00:54:30,840 --> 00:54:35,280
Speaker 1: that you do have real consequences. You think that God

1004
00:54:35,400 --> 00:54:37,080
Speaker 1: is on your side, so you can do and say

1005
00:54:37,120 --> 00:54:40,640
Speaker 1: whatever you want and you won't be um. You won't

1006
00:54:40,640 --> 00:54:43,120
Speaker 1: nobody can come against you because if God is what you,

1007
00:54:43,160 --> 00:54:48,200
Speaker 1: nobody can And that's I think how he's operating. You know.

1008
00:54:48,320 --> 00:54:52,000
Speaker 1: I think he's doing and saying things because he wants

1009
00:54:52,040 --> 00:54:57,880
Speaker 1: to stir the masses, obviously, but I also think he's

1010
00:54:59,080 --> 00:55:03,160
Speaker 1: taking the actually that he's taking because you know, when

1011
00:55:03,160 --> 00:55:05,040
Speaker 1: I'm manage, I feel like the world is gonna end

1012
00:55:05,080 --> 00:55:07,160
Speaker 1: any moment, you know, And people joke about that all

1013
00:55:07,200 --> 00:55:09,160
Speaker 1: the time, like oh, Lord's in the media right nor

1014
00:55:09,440 --> 00:55:12,280
Speaker 1: right now or whatever, and you know, but when I manage,

1015
00:55:12,280 --> 00:55:14,319
Speaker 1: I'm truly like we're in our the end of our

1016
00:55:14,400 --> 00:55:17,279
Speaker 1: days and it's my job to like try to save

1017
00:55:17,320 --> 00:55:20,239
Speaker 1: as many people as possible. And even though the things

1018
00:55:20,239 --> 00:55:23,880
Speaker 1: that he's doing right now don't reflect that kind of ideology, UM,

1019
00:55:24,200 --> 00:55:27,080
Speaker 1: I think that he is in a state or I

1020
00:55:27,080 --> 00:55:30,080
Speaker 1: can only assume I don't know anything, but you know,

1021
00:55:30,239 --> 00:55:33,360
Speaker 1: I think he has been in states where he feels

1022
00:55:33,400 --> 00:55:37,319
Speaker 1: like Jesus is on the horizon and he's been you know,

1023
00:55:37,400 --> 00:55:40,480
Speaker 1: selected as a prophet to speak on his behalf, so

1024
00:55:40,520 --> 00:55:42,800
Speaker 1: he feels like he can say any anything. He feels

1025
00:55:42,840 --> 00:55:46,719
Speaker 1: like he can do anything. And that's something that I

1026
00:55:46,719 --> 00:55:49,640
Speaker 1: can relate to. You know, I've I've done and said

1027
00:55:49,680 --> 00:55:52,279
Speaker 1: things that I'm not proud of. Um. You know, I've

1028
00:55:52,320 --> 00:55:56,640
Speaker 1: been in situations where I've lost friends, you know, because

1029
00:55:56,920 --> 00:56:00,239
Speaker 1: I've been in a state of mania and i haven't

1030
00:56:00,239 --> 00:56:02,879
Speaker 1: wanted to admit it and I've offended them and then

1031
00:56:03,120 --> 00:56:06,480
Speaker 1: and then our friendship just ceased to exist. And you know,

1032
00:56:06,560 --> 00:56:11,160
Speaker 1: he's he's in similar stages, you know, where he's doing

1033
00:56:11,160 --> 00:56:15,880
Speaker 1: ship that people are absolutely disgusted by. And you know,

1034
00:56:15,960 --> 00:56:18,560
Speaker 1: I'm not saying I've done things to that extent, but

1035
00:56:18,680 --> 00:56:23,400
Speaker 1: I have done things that have turned people off, and

1036
00:56:23,840 --> 00:56:26,399
Speaker 1: I acknowledge that. So I just I know that it's

1037
00:56:26,440 --> 00:56:31,359
Speaker 1: not an excuse, but I just don't think people are

1038
00:56:32,160 --> 00:56:37,880
Speaker 1: informed enough to make that call. Right, We're gonna be

1039
00:56:37,880 --> 00:56:41,360
Speaker 1: talking for a minute, child, I mean I have time.

1040
00:56:42,000 --> 00:56:44,520
Speaker 1: I know that you said for you said a certain times,

1041
00:56:44,520 --> 00:56:47,360
Speaker 1: So whatever you want to, I have to. I'm on PTLS.

1042
00:56:47,400 --> 00:56:49,759
Speaker 1: I got all the Okay, alright, cool, cool, cool, Yeah,

1043
00:56:49,840 --> 00:56:51,920
Speaker 1: let's just keep talking. Okay, So one more question about

1044
00:56:51,960 --> 00:56:55,200
Speaker 1: him because I'm very intrigued and curious on what you think,

1045
00:56:55,200 --> 00:56:57,080
Speaker 1: Oh what do you think is going to happen in

1046
00:56:57,160 --> 00:57:03,360
Speaker 1: Kanye in the future. I hope he'll still be with us. Um,

1047
00:57:03,400 --> 00:57:09,239
Speaker 1: you know, I I am very concerned that, um, well,

1048
00:57:09,320 --> 00:57:13,240
Speaker 1: number one, people with bipolar disorder, you know trigger warning

1049
00:57:13,280 --> 00:57:18,000
Speaker 1: here have higher rates of suicide, and um you know,

1050
00:57:18,200 --> 00:57:20,720
Speaker 1: I know that that's not something people want to talk

1051
00:57:20,760 --> 00:57:24,680
Speaker 1: about or think about, but it is reality. And you know,

1052
00:57:24,840 --> 00:57:29,720
Speaker 1: someone who has experienced so many highs, um myself, I

1053
00:57:29,800 --> 00:57:33,080
Speaker 1: know that, like I struggle with ideations, I struggle with

1054
00:57:33,120 --> 00:57:36,760
Speaker 1: like not wanting to be here anymore. And you know,

1055
00:57:36,960 --> 00:57:41,920
Speaker 1: because I have in my manic mind reach God. You know,

1056
00:57:41,960 --> 00:57:43,960
Speaker 1: when I've been in touch with God, and I know

1057
00:57:44,000 --> 00:57:46,520
Speaker 1: what it's like to be wrapped in his embrace. So

1058
00:57:47,440 --> 00:57:49,400
Speaker 1: you know, when I've gone through that and then I

1059
00:57:49,520 --> 00:57:51,760
Speaker 1: come out of it and I'm just in normal life,

1060
00:57:51,960 --> 00:57:54,240
Speaker 1: I'm like, what the funk is this? Like I don't

1061
00:57:54,240 --> 00:57:58,640
Speaker 1: here so um, you know, yeah, it's ghetto. It's like,

1062
00:57:59,600 --> 00:58:03,200
Speaker 1: you know, reality is get over tup. So you know,

1063
00:58:03,280 --> 00:58:05,960
Speaker 1: when I come back to reality, I'm like, what is

1064
00:58:06,000 --> 00:58:07,680
Speaker 1: this place? Like? I don't want to I don't want

1065
00:58:07,680 --> 00:58:10,680
Speaker 1: to be here. So I feel like if and when

1066
00:58:10,680 --> 00:58:13,240
Speaker 1: he comes down, because you can be up, Like I

1067
00:58:13,240 --> 00:58:15,720
Speaker 1: said twenty nineteen, I was up and down all year.

1068
00:58:16,200 --> 00:58:19,480
Speaker 1: So you know, he has hidden in little pockets for

1069
00:58:19,640 --> 00:58:21,360
Speaker 1: a little bit at a time and then come back

1070
00:58:21,400 --> 00:58:24,320
Speaker 1: out and then hidden and pop back out. So I

1071
00:58:24,320 --> 00:58:26,480
Speaker 1: don't know if he's like riding the wave of mania,

1072
00:58:27,200 --> 00:58:31,840
Speaker 1: but I hope that when he comes down eventually he

1073
00:58:31,920 --> 00:58:36,240
Speaker 1: will assess the damages and figure out, like what do

1074
00:58:36,280 --> 00:58:39,600
Speaker 1: I need to do to get back into people's good graces?

1075
00:58:40,080 --> 00:58:43,440
Speaker 1: And not just like from a financial money making standpoint,

1076
00:58:43,480 --> 00:58:47,320
Speaker 1: but from a human perspective. So I really hope that

1077
00:58:47,440 --> 00:58:50,520
Speaker 1: he will make his I call it an apology tour,

1078
00:58:51,040 --> 00:58:54,120
Speaker 1: which is when you you literally line up people and

1079
00:58:54,160 --> 00:58:56,640
Speaker 1: you apologize and apologize and apologize for the things that

1080
00:58:56,680 --> 00:58:59,480
Speaker 1: you didn't set during mania, and you know you have

1081
00:58:59,560 --> 00:59:02,480
Speaker 1: to be new one obviously, but it is a tour,

1082
00:59:02,640 --> 00:59:04,960
Speaker 1: you know, like you have to make your stops. So

1083
00:59:05,080 --> 00:59:07,800
Speaker 1: I hope that he does that because a lot of

1084
00:59:07,800 --> 00:59:11,440
Speaker 1: people are owing an apology from him. But as I

1085
00:59:11,480 --> 00:59:13,400
Speaker 1: was saying in one of my videos, you can't really

1086
00:59:13,440 --> 00:59:17,760
Speaker 1: expect someone, especially someone who is known to be a

1087
00:59:17,800 --> 00:59:21,600
Speaker 1: selfish asshole, just saying, um, you know, as someone who

1088
00:59:21,640 --> 00:59:24,840
Speaker 1: is known to be that character, you're asking them to

1089
00:59:24,960 --> 00:59:28,200
Speaker 1: be unselfish. You know, you're asking them to be selfless.

1090
00:59:28,240 --> 00:59:30,520
Speaker 1: And the fact that you know, telling them you need

1091
00:59:30,520 --> 00:59:32,240
Speaker 1: to take meds, you need to go to a therapist,

1092
00:59:32,240 --> 00:59:35,680
Speaker 1: see a psychiatrist can be very very selfless to do that.

1093
00:59:36,240 --> 00:59:39,600
Speaker 1: And by that I mean I did not make the

1094
00:59:39,680 --> 00:59:43,520
Speaker 1: decision to take medication until I moved home and I

1095
00:59:43,560 --> 00:59:45,760
Speaker 1: was like, I'm living with my sister. I don't want

1096
00:59:45,760 --> 00:59:48,320
Speaker 1: to suck her life up. That's why I was taking

1097
00:59:48,320 --> 00:59:51,040
Speaker 1: medication initially. And then I was like, oh, I'm doing

1098
00:59:51,080 --> 00:59:53,680
Speaker 1: this for me, you know, I want this to be

1099
00:59:53,760 --> 00:59:56,520
Speaker 1: something that I'm doing to to repair my own life.

1100
00:59:56,840 --> 00:59:59,040
Speaker 1: So it took a while for that transition to happen.

1101
00:59:59,080 --> 01:00:02,040
Speaker 1: But I had started out doing it for someone else,

1102
01:00:02,520 --> 01:00:05,960
Speaker 1: and we're asking Kanye West, who is one of the

1103
01:00:06,000 --> 01:00:09,320
Speaker 1: most selfish people we've ever encountered, to be selfless in

1104
01:00:09,360 --> 01:00:14,560
Speaker 1: that respect, and it's just I just I don't I

1105
01:00:14,560 --> 01:00:17,080
Speaker 1: can't comprehend that because I know what it's like to

1106
01:00:17,120 --> 01:00:22,360
Speaker 1: go through the motions of being like, Okay, well this

1107
01:00:22,400 --> 01:00:24,120
Speaker 1: person wants me to do this, so I'll do it,

1108
01:00:24,200 --> 01:00:26,160
Speaker 1: you know, Like, I know what it's like to do that.

1109
01:00:26,280 --> 01:00:28,720
Speaker 1: And he doesn't care, you know, he doesn't want to

1110
01:00:28,720 --> 01:00:31,400
Speaker 1: do anything anybody tells him to do. His mother is gone,

1111
01:00:31,760 --> 01:00:35,040
Speaker 1: you know, his wife left him, his family's gone, you know,

1112
01:00:35,160 --> 01:00:38,520
Speaker 1: so why would he listen to anybody but God? You know?

1113
01:00:38,680 --> 01:00:40,320
Speaker 1: And that's I think it is what he feels like

1114
01:00:40,360 --> 01:00:45,040
Speaker 1: he's doing. So um yeah, I I kind of rambled there,

1115
01:00:45,080 --> 01:00:49,600
Speaker 1: But UM, I hope that I answered your question. I'm

1116
01:00:49,640 --> 01:00:52,160
Speaker 1: just curious, how has your faith change and if it

1117
01:00:52,240 --> 01:00:59,040
Speaker 1: did change in what ways? Yeah? Another great question. Um So, I, um,

1118
01:00:59,080 --> 01:01:01,520
Speaker 1: you know, I've always been I've always believed in God.

1119
01:01:01,520 --> 01:01:04,800
Speaker 1: I've always believed in Jesus Christ. My mother was very,

1120
01:01:04,880 --> 01:01:09,320
Speaker 1: very faithful, you know. Um. Often she would fall asleep

1121
01:01:09,360 --> 01:01:13,960
Speaker 1: on her knees praying. So Um, she was always she

1122
01:01:14,160 --> 01:01:17,360
Speaker 1: always instilled faith in us from a young age, and

1123
01:01:17,600 --> 01:01:21,440
Speaker 1: as I got older, I kind of drifted away, and um,

1124
01:01:21,480 --> 01:01:25,560
Speaker 1: you know, shortly before my first episode, I decided to

1125
01:01:25,600 --> 01:01:29,640
Speaker 1: get a tattooed across on my wrist and I was like, Okay,

1126
01:01:29,680 --> 01:01:31,600
Speaker 1: you know, I believe, I believe, I believe, you know.

1127
01:01:32,120 --> 01:01:36,120
Speaker 1: And then once I started having my first manic experiences,

1128
01:01:37,000 --> 01:01:40,640
Speaker 1: that's when things got really really real for me. And

1129
01:01:40,960 --> 01:01:43,440
Speaker 1: I know that I can't convince anybody that it's not

1130
01:01:43,520 --> 01:01:48,280
Speaker 1: just a symptom of bipolar, but it is a commonality

1131
01:01:48,360 --> 01:01:51,680
Speaker 1: amongst people who are bipolar to believe that God is

1132
01:01:51,680 --> 01:01:56,040
Speaker 1: in touch with them. And um, you know, I remember

1133
01:01:56,080 --> 01:02:00,480
Speaker 1: feeling like like there are these situations or occurrence is

1134
01:02:00,640 --> 01:02:04,760
Speaker 1: of like synchronicity, which is like where things all planned

1135
01:02:05,160 --> 01:02:07,920
Speaker 1: things are things are not planned out, but they happen

1136
01:02:08,200 --> 01:02:10,640
Speaker 1: and they just it feels like miracles, like you're communicating

1137
01:02:10,640 --> 01:02:14,720
Speaker 1: with the universe. Um, you know, I feel a lot

1138
01:02:14,760 --> 01:02:18,320
Speaker 1: of that when I manage, and it's you know, it's

1139
01:02:18,320 --> 01:02:20,640
Speaker 1: a very it's a very beautiful feeling. You know, it

1140
01:02:20,640 --> 01:02:22,760
Speaker 1: feels like you're in touch with God. It feels like

1141
01:02:22,800 --> 01:02:25,960
Speaker 1: you are moving through the universe as you should. And

1142
01:02:26,840 --> 01:02:30,600
Speaker 1: I know from those experiences that God is real. You know.

1143
01:02:30,720 --> 01:02:33,400
Speaker 1: I can't, like I said, I can't prove anything to anybody.

1144
01:02:33,440 --> 01:02:35,840
Speaker 1: I've been trying and trying and I can't do it.

1145
01:02:35,920 --> 01:02:38,360
Speaker 1: But I all I can do is say the things

1146
01:02:38,360 --> 01:02:41,080
Speaker 1: that I've been through have strengthened my faith and I

1147
01:02:41,160 --> 01:02:45,000
Speaker 1: know that. You know, I know that God is real,

1148
01:02:45,200 --> 01:02:47,320
Speaker 1: and I know I don't know what Heaven is. You know,

1149
01:02:47,480 --> 01:02:50,120
Speaker 1: nobody knows what that is. It might be different for everybody,

1150
01:02:50,160 --> 01:02:53,760
Speaker 1: but I have experienced things where I feel like I

1151
01:02:53,840 --> 01:03:00,440
Speaker 1: have been in community with angels and ancestors. You know. Um,

1152
01:03:00,480 --> 01:03:03,760
Speaker 1: I feel like I've gone through quite a bit at

1153
01:03:03,800 --> 01:03:07,680
Speaker 1: this point that has stabilized me and my faith. So

1154
01:03:08,000 --> 01:03:12,040
Speaker 1: even though these experiences are on the outside very erratic

1155
01:03:12,480 --> 01:03:17,960
Speaker 1: and very uncontrollable, when I'm within, I feel like I'm

1156
01:03:18,040 --> 01:03:21,200
Speaker 1: at peace and I feel like I'm, um, you know,

1157
01:03:21,320 --> 01:03:25,800
Speaker 1: just happy to be a being, not a human being,

1158
01:03:25,840 --> 01:03:30,040
Speaker 1: but just a being. So um, yeah, I say that

1159
01:03:30,120 --> 01:03:33,880
Speaker 1: to say, yeah, my faith is certainly stronger than it

1160
01:03:34,000 --> 01:03:37,280
Speaker 1: was before I had these episodes. And that's why I

1161
01:03:37,320 --> 01:03:40,360
Speaker 1: look at Kanye and I'm like he stopped on a

1162
01:03:40,400 --> 01:03:43,600
Speaker 1: dime and stopped talking about pleached assholes and started talking

1163
01:03:43,600 --> 01:03:47,080
Speaker 1: about Jesus Christ. Like there, you know, that's that's a

1164
01:03:47,200 --> 01:03:51,120
Speaker 1: market shift. So um, you know, I just I know

1165
01:03:51,200 --> 01:03:54,560
Speaker 1: that there's something deeper here, and I don't know exactly

1166
01:03:54,600 --> 01:03:57,360
Speaker 1: how to like explain that yet, but all I can

1167
01:03:57,400 --> 01:03:59,520
Speaker 1: say is that, you know, I do believe in Jesus,

1168
01:03:59,560 --> 01:04:02,720
Speaker 1: and I have since I was very young, but the

1169
01:04:02,720 --> 01:04:05,120
Speaker 1: things that I've been through in the past several years

1170
01:04:05,560 --> 01:04:09,280
Speaker 1: have certainly changed and impacted the way that I see

1171
01:04:09,320 --> 01:04:12,760
Speaker 1: my faith. Mm hmm. And how has your dating life

1172
01:04:12,760 --> 01:04:17,240
Speaker 1: been affected? Um? So, as I said, when I had

1173
01:04:17,240 --> 01:04:20,520
Speaker 1: my ki, yeah, here we go with the kiki. Yeah.

1174
01:04:21,000 --> 01:04:23,760
Speaker 1: So um. You know, as I mentioned earlier, I had

1175
01:04:23,760 --> 01:04:28,360
Speaker 1: my first episode when I was dating somebody, and that

1176
01:04:28,800 --> 01:04:33,840
Speaker 1: was really hard for me because you know, I was

1177
01:04:33,880 --> 01:04:36,200
Speaker 1: falling in love with this person and then at the

1178
01:04:36,240 --> 01:04:38,560
Speaker 1: same time, I was falling in love with God in

1179
01:04:38,600 --> 01:04:40,880
Speaker 1: a different way, and I was falling in love with

1180
01:04:40,920 --> 01:04:45,439
Speaker 1: life in a different way. And you know, as soon

1181
01:04:45,480 --> 01:04:47,880
Speaker 1: as I reached you know, the peak of mania and

1182
01:04:47,920 --> 01:04:51,280
Speaker 1: I was hospitalized and everything, that person that I was

1183
01:04:51,400 --> 01:04:54,760
Speaker 1: dating visited me a couple of times, you know, told

1184
01:04:54,800 --> 01:04:57,320
Speaker 1: me he loved me, and the next time I was

1185
01:04:57,440 --> 01:04:59,680
Speaker 1: coherent enough to ask about that, he was like, oh,

1186
01:04:59,720 --> 01:05:01,880
Speaker 1: you know, I just meant I love you as a friend.

1187
01:05:02,400 --> 01:05:09,600
Speaker 1: And then from there I started kind of crashing ship.

1188
01:05:10,600 --> 01:05:15,720
Speaker 1: Yes that part. So yeah, so I started crashing down.

1189
01:05:16,000 --> 01:05:19,200
Speaker 1: Um once I was released from the hospital, and um,

1190
01:05:19,240 --> 01:05:21,000
Speaker 1: it became very apparent that we were not going to

1191
01:05:21,120 --> 01:05:24,480
Speaker 1: be together, you know, especially because I was in Texas,

1192
01:05:24,520 --> 01:05:28,160
Speaker 1: he was in the Bronx to Harlem or whatever, and

1193
01:05:29,560 --> 01:05:31,480
Speaker 1: you know, he was like, yeah, good luck, you know,

1194
01:05:31,560 --> 01:05:33,760
Speaker 1: pretty much like I'm not walking with you no more.

1195
01:05:34,120 --> 01:05:36,520
Speaker 1: And I was like, oh, okay, So not only am

1196
01:05:36,560 --> 01:05:41,360
Speaker 1: I coming crashing down from this episode in which I

1197
01:05:41,400 --> 01:05:42,960
Speaker 1: felt like I was in touch with God and now

1198
01:05:43,000 --> 01:05:44,840
Speaker 1: I'm not in touch with him. And I felt like

1199
01:05:44,840 --> 01:05:47,040
Speaker 1: the universe was inspiring to work with me and now

1200
01:05:47,080 --> 01:05:49,680
Speaker 1: it's not. And now this nigga ain't in love with me.

1201
01:05:49,880 --> 01:05:52,520
Speaker 1: So I was like one of the worst depressions I've

1202
01:05:52,520 --> 01:05:54,480
Speaker 1: ever had, if not the worst. And that was your

1203
01:05:54,520 --> 01:05:58,280
Speaker 1: first love, No, that was my first love. So like

1204
01:05:58,400 --> 01:06:00,840
Speaker 1: I feel like, you know, I love gotten everything, but

1205
01:06:00,880 --> 01:06:02,440
Speaker 1: I'm like, why did I have to go through that?

1206
01:06:02,520 --> 01:06:06,120
Speaker 1: Like it was such a horrific first experience with love.

1207
01:06:06,200 --> 01:06:11,880
Speaker 1: It was really really terrible. So um, since then, um,

1208
01:06:11,920 --> 01:06:13,880
Speaker 1: you know, like I said, was a crazy year for

1209
01:06:13,920 --> 01:06:16,880
Speaker 1: me in terms of my stability and um, you know,

1210
01:06:16,920 --> 01:06:21,120
Speaker 1: when i'm manic, I can become hyper sexual. So that

1211
01:06:21,280 --> 01:06:24,800
Speaker 1: year was me whiling out, you know, just doing a

1212
01:06:24,880 --> 01:06:26,360
Speaker 1: lot of a lot of ship with a lot of

1213
01:06:26,360 --> 01:06:30,320
Speaker 1: people and it is what it is. But yeah, so

1214
01:06:30,400 --> 01:06:32,800
Speaker 1: that was that year. And then once I moved home

1215
01:06:33,080 --> 01:06:36,880
Speaker 1: in late nineteen Um, the next year, I met someone

1216
01:06:37,040 --> 01:06:39,400
Speaker 1: and he was cool, you know, Um we dated for

1217
01:06:39,440 --> 01:06:41,040
Speaker 1: a couple of months, but I was like, this isn't

1218
01:06:41,080 --> 01:06:43,640
Speaker 1: for me and we just went our separate ways. And

1219
01:06:43,720 --> 01:06:46,400
Speaker 1: ever since then, I've kind of been trying to figure

1220
01:06:46,440 --> 01:06:48,520
Speaker 1: out like do I want to date with somebody? Like

1221
01:06:48,960 --> 01:06:51,720
Speaker 1: where do I see myself going? Um, how do how

1222
01:06:51,760 --> 01:06:56,520
Speaker 1: does this potential person fit into my life? Etcetera. So, um, yeah,

1223
01:06:56,600 --> 01:07:01,280
Speaker 1: I'm not opposed to dating, but I'm not, um actively looking.

1224
01:07:01,800 --> 01:07:04,440
Speaker 1: So if something happens, cool, you know, I'll roll with it.

1225
01:07:04,480 --> 01:07:06,800
Speaker 1: But I also know that, like, I don't want to

1226
01:07:06,800 --> 01:07:09,280
Speaker 1: be with somebody just to be with somebody right right

1227
01:07:10,200 --> 01:07:13,480
Speaker 1: when people do decide to leave you, because if you're diagnosis,

1228
01:07:13,520 --> 01:07:15,520
Speaker 1: like how does that make you feel like, what does

1229
01:07:15,640 --> 01:07:18,439
Speaker 1: forgiveness look like? Oh do you even doesn't even matter

1230
01:07:18,480 --> 01:07:20,400
Speaker 1: at this point because those people that are for you

1231
01:07:20,520 --> 01:07:23,880
Speaker 1: are for you and they're gonna stay regardless. Yeah. I

1232
01:07:23,920 --> 01:07:27,560
Speaker 1: mean that first experience was an experienced. You know. It

1233
01:07:27,680 --> 01:07:31,680
Speaker 1: was like damn, like this dude literally up and left

1234
01:07:31,720 --> 01:07:33,680
Speaker 1: like he was already, like I said, kind of going

1235
01:07:33,880 --> 01:07:36,800
Speaker 1: his own way because I was head over heels for

1236
01:07:36,880 --> 01:07:38,480
Speaker 1: him and he was just trying to have a good time,

1237
01:07:38,840 --> 01:07:40,520
Speaker 1: so he was already on his way out of the door.

1238
01:07:41,160 --> 01:07:43,640
Speaker 1: And then um, once this happened, it just kind of

1239
01:07:43,680 --> 01:07:47,000
Speaker 1: exacerbated it and made it, you know, speed up the

1240
01:07:47,040 --> 01:07:52,600
Speaker 1: process of him dipping. So um, you know, I feel like,

1241
01:07:52,600 --> 01:07:54,240
Speaker 1: like you said, the people who are for me are

1242
01:07:54,280 --> 01:07:56,960
Speaker 1: for me, and we'll stick around. But you know, I'm

1243
01:07:57,000 --> 01:08:00,160
Speaker 1: not I'm not afraid of anybody leaving me because my

1244
01:08:00,240 --> 01:08:02,640
Speaker 1: diagnosis like, if you don't want to suck with me,

1245
01:08:02,720 --> 01:08:05,320
Speaker 1: don't suck with me, you know. So I don't really

1246
01:08:05,480 --> 01:08:07,520
Speaker 1: mind that, you know. If anything, it helps me to

1247
01:08:07,600 --> 01:08:09,680
Speaker 1: weed out the people who are not meant to be

1248
01:08:09,720 --> 01:08:13,920
Speaker 1: in my life. So um, so yeah, that's that's generally

1249
01:08:13,920 --> 01:08:17,679
Speaker 1: how I feel. But overall, um, you know, I don't

1250
01:08:17,680 --> 01:08:21,040
Speaker 1: think I've had too many situations where people have been like, oh,

1251
01:08:21,080 --> 01:08:24,120
Speaker 1: your bipolar, I can't sunk with you. Like it's It's

1252
01:08:24,160 --> 01:08:27,799
Speaker 1: been more like you know, other personal things that I'm

1253
01:08:27,880 --> 01:08:31,680
Speaker 1: still working on about, like you know, um, caring for

1254
01:08:31,720 --> 01:08:34,320
Speaker 1: people in the way that they deserve to be cared for,

1255
01:08:34,640 --> 01:08:37,559
Speaker 1: and like not just looking out for self because that's

1256
01:08:37,960 --> 01:08:39,920
Speaker 1: kind of like the way I was raised, like you know,

1257
01:08:40,040 --> 01:08:44,160
Speaker 1: don't settle and you know, like protect yourself. So, um,

1258
01:08:44,200 --> 01:08:47,799
Speaker 1: you know, I've always kind of lived by that advice

1259
01:08:47,840 --> 01:08:50,920
Speaker 1: from my mom, but I'm now realizing that, like nobody

1260
01:08:50,960 --> 01:08:54,479
Speaker 1: gives perfect advice. So you know, I'm just trying to

1261
01:08:54,520 --> 01:08:57,680
Speaker 1: like navigate that as best as I can. Right, what

1262
01:08:57,880 --> 01:09:00,960
Speaker 1: is your advice to those, um, they'll individuals who feel

1263
01:09:00,960 --> 01:09:04,519
Speaker 1: embarrassed or guilty because of being bipolar? And what would

1264
01:09:04,479 --> 01:09:08,759
Speaker 1: do you recommend as far as moving forward? Yeah, so

1265
01:09:09,360 --> 01:09:12,960
Speaker 1: I want people to know that you are not a

1266
01:09:13,000 --> 01:09:18,360
Speaker 1: bad person because something happened to you. Um, bipolar is

1267
01:09:18,400 --> 01:09:22,719
Speaker 1: not something I chose. Um my lineage, you know, that's

1268
01:09:23,040 --> 01:09:25,960
Speaker 1: what I was chosen. But you know, UM, I feel

1269
01:09:26,000 --> 01:09:31,200
Speaker 1: like people have to shake the stigma of it all,

1270
01:09:31,800 --> 01:09:37,400
Speaker 1: and it's very difficult because it's still very present facts. Yeah,

1271
01:09:37,560 --> 01:09:40,439
Speaker 1: we're trying to act this conversation. You know, it's an

1272
01:09:40,479 --> 01:09:43,759
Speaker 1: act of the stigmatizing mental illness. So I'm very grateful

1273
01:09:43,760 --> 01:09:48,439
Speaker 1: for this opportunity. And yeah, and you know, I just

1274
01:09:48,520 --> 01:09:51,080
Speaker 1: want people to know that they are okay, you know,

1275
01:09:51,160 --> 01:09:53,960
Speaker 1: they're not alone. That was the biggest thing for me was,

1276
01:09:54,640 --> 01:09:56,400
Speaker 1: you know, when when I went through what I went through,

1277
01:09:56,439 --> 01:09:58,640
Speaker 1: and I was trying to explain the spiritual elements and

1278
01:09:58,680 --> 01:10:01,960
Speaker 1: the the elation and all the things that I thought

1279
01:10:01,960 --> 01:10:04,120
Speaker 1: that I went through that I did go through, and

1280
01:10:04,160 --> 01:10:05,680
Speaker 1: people were looking at me like, girl, what are you

1281
01:10:05,720 --> 01:10:08,599
Speaker 1: talking about? You had a nervous breakdown, and I'm like no,

1282
01:10:08,720 --> 01:10:10,680
Speaker 1: but you don't understand, you know. And then once I

1283
01:10:10,720 --> 01:10:14,360
Speaker 1: started like writing, and then once I started making TikTok videos,

1284
01:10:14,360 --> 01:10:17,960
Speaker 1: and people just flooded my comments and flooded my email

1285
01:10:18,000 --> 01:10:20,840
Speaker 1: and my d M s on other platforms. Like I

1286
01:10:20,840 --> 01:10:23,160
Speaker 1: thought I was alone. I didn't know anybody else felt

1287
01:10:23,160 --> 01:10:26,720
Speaker 1: this way, like especially from other black women, um you know,

1288
01:10:26,960 --> 01:10:31,760
Speaker 1: like which is um a sector of our demographic that

1289
01:10:32,120 --> 01:10:34,599
Speaker 1: people don't really consider when we're talking about mental health

1290
01:10:34,600 --> 01:10:37,880
Speaker 1: and mental illness. Like when most of the conversations I

1291
01:10:37,920 --> 01:10:41,439
Speaker 1: have about this are with white men, and I'm sucking

1292
01:10:41,520 --> 01:10:43,559
Speaker 1: over it. You know. I'm so glad to be talking

1293
01:10:43,600 --> 01:10:47,160
Speaker 1: to somebody different, somebody who looks like me, because it's

1294
01:10:47,200 --> 01:10:50,040
Speaker 1: not always about them, you know. And I feel like

1295
01:10:50,479 --> 01:10:53,120
Speaker 1: the more that we can like you know, so cliche,

1296
01:10:53,240 --> 01:10:57,040
Speaker 1: but the more that we can come together and acknowledge like, yo,

1297
01:10:57,160 --> 01:10:59,639
Speaker 1: you're not alone, I'm not alone. We're in this together,

1298
01:11:00,160 --> 01:11:06,200
Speaker 1: I feel like that's gonna boost us as a community. Yeah, exactly.

1299
01:11:06,280 --> 01:11:10,000
Speaker 1: It's so different like the conversations I've had with white

1300
01:11:10,000 --> 01:11:13,000
Speaker 1: men about bipolar, Like they start making up their own

1301
01:11:13,120 --> 01:11:15,439
Speaker 1: terms and they get to go with the jargon, and

1302
01:11:15,439 --> 01:11:21,000
Speaker 1: I'm like, what are you doing? Like yo, like for real,

1303
01:11:21,200 --> 01:11:26,160
Speaker 1: I'm like, what are you talking about? Like confident they do,

1304
01:11:26,360 --> 01:11:29,679
Speaker 1: and I'm like, m that's not it, that's not it. Actually,

1305
01:11:30,280 --> 01:11:32,960
Speaker 1: So yeah, when I talked to like I try to

1306
01:11:33,160 --> 01:11:37,240
Speaker 1: um like people reach out to me on like Instagram

1307
01:11:37,280 --> 01:11:39,920
Speaker 1: and Twitter and my email and stuff, and they're like, hey,

1308
01:11:39,960 --> 01:11:41,760
Speaker 1: you know, I saw your TikTok. I would love to

1309
01:11:41,800 --> 01:11:43,719
Speaker 1: talk to you. Do you have time? And I always

1310
01:11:43,760 --> 01:11:47,439
Speaker 1: try to make time for everybody who who wants to

1311
01:11:47,479 --> 01:11:49,519
Speaker 1: just like get their story out, who just wants to

1312
01:11:49,520 --> 01:11:52,920
Speaker 1: be less alone. Um, I'm down for it. You know,

1313
01:11:52,960 --> 01:11:54,960
Speaker 1: I don't charge people for it. I'm just like, I'm

1314
01:11:54,960 --> 01:11:57,000
Speaker 1: here to listen and I'm here to give as much

1315
01:11:57,000 --> 01:12:01,080
Speaker 1: experiential advice as I can. And you know, I always

1316
01:12:01,280 --> 01:12:03,679
Speaker 1: the moments that I take away that are the most

1317
01:12:03,680 --> 01:12:07,439
Speaker 1: impactful are when I communicate with black women. And you

1318
01:12:07,479 --> 01:12:09,439
Speaker 1: know it, just like you said, it hits different, like

1319
01:12:09,520 --> 01:12:14,120
Speaker 1: it feels different. It's an entirely new Um, it's an

1320
01:12:14,240 --> 01:12:17,040
Speaker 1: entirely new feeling to be able to sit down and

1321
01:12:17,040 --> 01:12:21,720
Speaker 1: talk to somebody who like understands like the struggle of

1322
01:12:21,760 --> 01:12:24,360
Speaker 1: being a woman, and a black woman at that, in

1323
01:12:24,400 --> 01:12:26,439
Speaker 1: a in a culture that does not accept you for

1324
01:12:26,479 --> 01:12:29,679
Speaker 1: who you are. So once you already have that put

1325
01:12:29,720 --> 01:12:32,439
Speaker 1: to the side, then we can talk about the other ship.

1326
01:12:32,560 --> 01:12:34,000
Speaker 1: You know, I don't have to take my time and

1327
01:12:34,080 --> 01:12:39,840
Speaker 1: explain every single FACI. Yeah exactly. So it's so different, right.

1328
01:12:41,000 --> 01:12:43,599
Speaker 1: What is your advice to those who have loved ones

1329
01:12:43,680 --> 01:12:48,479
Speaker 1: living with bipolar disease? Bipolar? Yeah, so I would just

1330
01:12:48,520 --> 01:12:53,000
Speaker 1: say patients is the biggest thing that you need. Um.

1331
01:12:53,040 --> 01:12:55,880
Speaker 1: You know, I talk about my sister often because she

1332
01:12:55,960 --> 01:13:00,240
Speaker 1: really is my biggest champion, And you know she has

1333
01:13:00,280 --> 01:13:03,519
Speaker 1: been there. I know. I'm so grateful. You know, like

1334
01:13:03,560 --> 01:13:05,599
Speaker 1: we we when we were younger, we used to fight

1335
01:13:05,640 --> 01:13:09,479
Speaker 1: a lot physically and verbally, and um, you know, after

1336
01:13:09,520 --> 01:13:12,439
Speaker 1: our mom passed in two thousand nine, we just became one.

1337
01:13:13,000 --> 01:13:15,600
Speaker 1: And I'm so grateful for her because without her, I

1338
01:13:15,680 --> 01:13:18,760
Speaker 1: wouldn't know what to do. So, um, you know that

1339
01:13:18,800 --> 01:13:23,400
Speaker 1: being said she I'm speaking from her perspective when I

1340
01:13:23,439 --> 01:13:26,960
Speaker 1: say patients is key, and I say that you have

1341
01:13:27,080 --> 01:13:30,519
Speaker 1: to take everything with a grain of salt, not I

1342
01:13:30,560 --> 01:13:33,680
Speaker 1: don't say things like I've been mean to her. You know,

1343
01:13:33,800 --> 01:13:37,559
Speaker 1: I've said ship that I would never ever say. And

1344
01:13:37,600 --> 01:13:40,479
Speaker 1: that's another thing, you know with bipolar disort of is

1345
01:13:41,120 --> 01:13:44,040
Speaker 1: I've said things that I would never say to someone's face.

1346
01:13:44,439 --> 01:13:47,760
Speaker 1: Like we all all have passing thoughts, whether they're real,

1347
01:13:47,920 --> 01:13:51,000
Speaker 1: whether you really think them, whether it's just like a

1348
01:13:51,040 --> 01:13:54,479
Speaker 1: little worm of negativity that you know goes in one

1349
01:13:54,520 --> 01:13:57,439
Speaker 1: place and out the other. Thought said, we would never

1350
01:13:57,600 --> 01:14:00,840
Speaker 1: share out loud. I share everything and when I'm manic,

1351
01:14:01,080 --> 01:14:03,880
Speaker 1: everything that comes in my mind, and not all of it,

1352
01:14:03,920 --> 01:14:07,519
Speaker 1: half of it is terrible. So you know, like when

1353
01:14:07,560 --> 01:14:09,639
Speaker 1: I say things to my sister, She's like, Okay, yeah

1354
01:14:09,680 --> 01:14:11,840
Speaker 1: or whatever, you know, Like it's like you really have

1355
01:14:11,960 --> 01:14:14,240
Speaker 1: to just like let it go, like let it go,

1356
01:14:14,920 --> 01:14:19,360
Speaker 1: because not everything that is said in that state is meaningful.

1357
01:14:19,560 --> 01:14:21,519
Speaker 1: Not everything that is said in that state comes from

1358
01:14:21,520 --> 01:14:26,600
Speaker 1: an informed place. So you know, I would say grandisal, patience,

1359
01:14:26,800 --> 01:14:31,080
Speaker 1: and love, you know, like I would hate to think

1360
01:14:31,720 --> 01:14:36,000
Speaker 1: that anybody loves me less because of this disorder. And

1361
01:14:36,479 --> 01:14:38,960
Speaker 1: I feel like that's you know, to bring Kanye up again,

1362
01:14:39,040 --> 01:14:42,320
Speaker 1: like I feel like he's losing love from not only

1363
01:14:42,360 --> 01:14:46,000
Speaker 1: his fans, with his family, and you know that's something

1364
01:14:46,040 --> 01:14:49,160
Speaker 1: that's really really sad because he didn't ask for this.

1365
01:14:49,360 --> 01:14:53,160
Speaker 1: I didn't ask for this. Nobody asks for a disorder.

1366
01:14:53,560 --> 01:14:55,559
Speaker 1: You know. We just deal with it as best as

1367
01:14:55,600 --> 01:14:58,400
Speaker 1: we can. And he's still navigating it. Like it took

1368
01:14:58,439 --> 01:15:02,840
Speaker 1: me literally like from twe sixteen to almost to figure

1369
01:15:02,840 --> 01:15:06,080
Speaker 1: this ship out. So I just want people to like

1370
01:15:06,280 --> 01:15:11,000
Speaker 1: have grace and understanding and compassion and also just realized

1371
01:15:11,040 --> 01:15:15,960
Speaker 1: that people are not being intentionally harmful when they're in

1372
01:15:16,160 --> 01:15:19,760
Speaker 1: a manic state. So yeah, I just want people to

1373
01:15:19,760 --> 01:15:22,800
Speaker 1: to not take it personally all right, And last but

1374
01:15:22,920 --> 01:15:27,479
Speaker 1: not least, are you proud of yourself? And I asked

1375
01:15:27,479 --> 01:15:30,639
Speaker 1: that question, is because you know, we're both from the South,

1376
01:15:30,800 --> 01:15:33,439
Speaker 1: and I moved back to New York because my grandmother

1377
01:15:33,439 --> 01:15:37,960
Speaker 1: had Alzheimer's, and I know it's not easy trying to

1378
01:15:38,040 --> 01:15:40,680
Speaker 1: figure out this ship on your own, especially in New

1379
01:15:40,760 --> 01:15:45,120
Speaker 1: York City. Yeah, you know, just hearing your story, like,

1380
01:15:45,320 --> 01:15:47,799
Speaker 1: I'm just like so inspired by you. I'm so thankful

1381
01:15:47,840 --> 01:15:49,400
Speaker 1: that you wanted to hear Did you want to share

1382
01:15:49,439 --> 01:15:50,840
Speaker 1: your story on my platform? Because I was like, oh

1383
01:15:50,880 --> 01:15:54,679
Speaker 1: my gosh, she gonna respond back to me on yes,

1384
01:15:54,840 --> 01:15:57,639
Speaker 1: of course. Are you proud of yourself through it all?

1385
01:15:58,400 --> 01:16:02,360
Speaker 1: Oh gosh, I'm so glad you said that, because I've

1386
01:16:02,479 --> 01:16:06,400
Speaker 1: never I rarely stopped and pat myself on the back

1387
01:16:06,479 --> 01:16:09,080
Speaker 1: or say good job. I just be going, you know,

1388
01:16:09,200 --> 01:16:11,599
Speaker 1: I'll just be like trying to get to the next point,

1389
01:16:12,080 --> 01:16:17,800
Speaker 1: and I you know, yeah, exactly. Yeah. So I am

1390
01:16:17,840 --> 01:16:21,040
Speaker 1: proud of myself. I am very proud of myself, and

1391
01:16:21,160 --> 01:16:24,160
Speaker 1: I'm grateful to have people around me, you know, like

1392
01:16:24,240 --> 01:16:26,599
Speaker 1: you like my sister, like you know, my friend Sarah,

1393
01:16:26,640 --> 01:16:29,400
Speaker 1: like my friend Laura, like you know, I have people

1394
01:16:29,439 --> 01:16:32,439
Speaker 1: in my life who always come to me and say,

1395
01:16:32,479 --> 01:16:35,720
Speaker 1: do you realize what you've done? You've done this, this, this, this,

1396
01:16:35,720 --> 01:16:38,240
Speaker 1: this is this is this, like you should be proud

1397
01:16:38,320 --> 01:16:41,240
Speaker 1: of yourself, And I'm like, oh, Ship, I did do that. Huh.

1398
01:16:41,280 --> 01:16:43,720
Speaker 1: You know, like I forget like the things that I

1399
01:16:43,760 --> 01:16:45,920
Speaker 1: do because I'm just trying to get to the next point.

1400
01:16:46,400 --> 01:16:49,719
Speaker 1: So I'm always grateful for the opportunity to sit down

1401
01:16:49,760 --> 01:16:52,439
Speaker 1: with myself and be like, yokay, like you should be

1402
01:16:52,439 --> 01:16:55,720
Speaker 1: proud you did that, Ship. So yeah, thank you for

1403
01:16:55,840 --> 01:16:58,680
Speaker 1: giving me the opportunity to to thank myself and to

1404
01:16:58,720 --> 01:17:01,320
Speaker 1: be proud of myself, because you know, I have done

1405
01:17:01,400 --> 01:17:03,920
Speaker 1: quite a bit and I hope that most, if not all,

1406
01:17:03,920 --> 01:17:06,439
Speaker 1: of it has been beneficial. And all I can do

1407
01:17:06,520 --> 01:17:10,080
Speaker 1: is try to keep dugging it out, you know, and

1408
01:17:10,160 --> 01:17:11,760
Speaker 1: just be the best person that I can be and

1409
01:17:11,800 --> 01:17:15,080
Speaker 1: hope that that helps. This is a beautiful conversation show.

1410
01:17:15,160 --> 01:17:21,960
Speaker 1: About to start clapping. I agree. Yes, Thank you so

1411
01:17:22,040 --> 01:17:24,960
Speaker 1: much into the listeners. If you have any questions, comments,

1412
01:17:25,000 --> 01:17:27,080
Speaker 1: so concerns, please make sure to email me a hello

1413
01:17:27,120 --> 01:17:29,600
Speaker 1: at the PhD podcast dot com, even though all of

1414
01:17:29,600 --> 01:17:31,599
Speaker 1: my guests are anonymous. If you feel like her story

1415
01:17:31,680 --> 01:17:33,439
Speaker 1: resonates with you and you want to connect with her,

1416
01:17:33,840 --> 01:17:36,040
Speaker 1: email me and then I'll see if you ain't gonna

1417
01:17:36,080 --> 01:17:41,559
Speaker 1: waste her time, child information along. Thank you, but once again,

1418
01:17:41,600 --> 01:17:45,240
Speaker 1: thank you so much and until next time everyone, Later

1419
01:17:46,160 --> 01:17:46,639
Speaker 1: by y'all,