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Speaker 1: Hello Sunshine.

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Speaker 2: Hey fam Today on the bright Side, we're back with

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Speaker 2: another edition of Asking for a Friend. Friendship coach Danielle

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Speaker 2: Buyer Jackson is here to talk all about healthy conflict

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Speaker 2: and friendships. Plus she answers some of your questions. It's Thursday,

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Speaker 2: May second. I'm Simone Boyce, I'm.

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Speaker 3: Danielle robe and this is the bright Side from Hello Sunshine. Okay,

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Speaker 3: speaking of friends, I need to defriend you. Why I

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Speaker 3: can't take any more of these health food experiments.

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Speaker 2: I can't not you too, Okay for anyone who doesn't know,

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Speaker 2: I have this thing where I try to recreate these

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Speaker 2: healthy food recipes that I see on like Pinterest. I

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Speaker 2: try to recreate them at home, and they've been a

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Speaker 2: little bit out of control lately. Like I tried making

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Speaker 2: a empanada, which is a a street that has meat inside,

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Speaker 2: but I made the crust with plantain, served it to

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Speaker 2: my husband. He hated. He thought it was terrible.

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Speaker 1: Your kids taste test any of this, Yeah.

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Speaker 2: They don't like any of it either. I'm the only

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Speaker 2: one who eats it. And then I tried to chicken crust,

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Speaker 2: pizza chicken crust.

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Speaker 3: Yes, this is what you sent me A photo of

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Speaker 3: this is where I felt ill.

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Speaker 2: So the crust is made from chicken, egg and parmesan cheese.

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Speaker 1: My mom is gonna love this.

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Speaker 2: It's like a high protein pizza crust that doesn't taste

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Speaker 2: anything like pizza crust.

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Speaker 3: Well, I know you're on your workout thirty day plans,

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Speaker 3: So is this why you made this so you can

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Speaker 3: just be eating protein?

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Speaker 2: Yes, I'm a little protein crazed at the moment.

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Speaker 3: What does Michael do when you feed in these for

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Speaker 3: dinner and then he can't eat it?

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Speaker 2: Bless his heart. He's so kind. He's such a kind man.

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Speaker 2: He tries to be really polite. Like the other day

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Speaker 2: when I was like, Hey, I'm gonna try making those

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Speaker 2: empanadas again. I'm really going to try to perfect the

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Speaker 2: recipe tonight. This is my second try at it. He

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Speaker 2: was like, oh, cool, do you mind just like leaving

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Speaker 2: me some of the meat on the side, Like I

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Speaker 2: really love the meat filling that you made. And I

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Speaker 2: was like, you can just say you hate it, and

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Speaker 2: he's like, okay, well yeah it wasn't my favorite.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god.

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Speaker 3: There's this great book called Nonviolent Communication. Yes, I feel

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Speaker 3: like Michael is practiced at that because I would have

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Speaker 3: been like, uh, I'm.

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Speaker 1: Going to order Chinese food, but I'm good, thank you.

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Speaker 2: He's an envyck. He's a non violent communication king. Oh wait,

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Speaker 2: can we call out your on hinge behavior?

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Speaker 3: Though?

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Speaker 1: Why what did I do?

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Speaker 2: In my Instagram dns? This morning, Danielle sends me a

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Speaker 2: video of a woman sewing an air tag inside her

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Speaker 2: husband's shoe, and Danielle's like, yeah, that's something I would do.

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Speaker 3: I can't end up having. Okay, first of all, it

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Speaker 3: is something I would do. Maybe I don't know. I

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Speaker 3: don't trust men. I had this really bad boyfriend five

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Speaker 3: years ago. I used to be securely attached, like I

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Speaker 3: believed everybody. I was this nice Midwest girl from Chicago

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Speaker 3: who came to LA and took everybody at face value.

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Speaker 3: And then I dated this guy that was so brutal,

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Speaker 3: Like I hate that. I don't trust people because of him.

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Speaker 3: But it really shifted things. So now I'm sewing air

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Speaker 3: tags into shoes, I'm using ring cameras like I do

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Speaker 3: not put anything past men.

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Speaker 2: Oh my gosh. Well, if you're trying to date Danielle

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Speaker 2: to the two percent of our audience that is mail,

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Speaker 2: just make sure you have like an air tag detector

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Speaker 2: or something at home so that you cannot check those shoes.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, or just like overly text me and tell me

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Speaker 3: where you are. Maybe I need to share a location.

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Speaker 3: That gets crazy. Actually, I don't know. It's tough with

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Speaker 3: the sharing. My parents have my location, my friends, and

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Speaker 3: my friends share their location with other friends. My friend's like, yeah,

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Speaker 3: I have twenty friends on here. I'm just tracking them all. Oh,

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Speaker 3: so and so is going to the store. And I'm like, what,

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Speaker 3: this is so much, it's too much. I also, you know,

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Speaker 3: I love to be at home on the couch, so

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Speaker 3: I can't have my friends track my location because it's

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Speaker 3: always there.

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Speaker 2: There's always home, be a blinking dot in the same spot.

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Speaker 2: Just wouldn't move exactly.

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Speaker 3: Sometimes I get texts from my parents like why aren't

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Speaker 3: you out on a Saturday night?

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Speaker 2: Are you alive?

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Speaker 1: Okay?

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Speaker 3: Well, from unhinged to undefeated, we have some good news.

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Speaker 3: You want to shout out a team of girls that

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Speaker 3: are making us all so proud. There's a girl's under

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Speaker 3: twelve football team in the UK, which really means soccer

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Speaker 3: here in the US, and they won the championship.

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Speaker 1: In the Boys League.

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Speaker 3: So badass they earned the title Invincibles because of it.

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Speaker 3: But they went undefeated all season. And here's the best part.

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Speaker 3: They were met with some resistance from the league bosses,

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Speaker 3: who told them after winning like eighteen games that they

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Speaker 3: had to play in the all girls competition. And the

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Speaker 3: team's manager, Toby Green, stepped in and convinced everyone that

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Speaker 3: his team of girls was skilled enough to play in

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Speaker 3: the league. And then they won it all.

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Speaker 2: They got the w WE stand Toby. Toby is such

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Speaker 2: an ally to the community, totally.

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Speaker 1: Toby is with us.

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Speaker 2: Toby is with us all the way. First of all, girls,

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Speaker 2: you just you go, you the damn thing. I hope

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Speaker 2: that Hello Sunshine makes a movie out of this. This

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Speaker 2: is movie material all the way. And thirdly, can we

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Speaker 2: get the girls or Toby on the show. We have

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Speaker 2: to get them on the bright side. Oh yes, this

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Speaker 2: is iconic.

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Speaker 1: We have to give them their flowers.

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Speaker 2: We have to. I'm just so happy for them. I

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Speaker 2: hope they feel so proud of themselves. This is such

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Speaker 2: a huge achievement.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: I feel like this is going to set them up

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Speaker 3: for the rest of their life too. You know, you

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Speaker 3: have like defining moments as a kid, and like gosh,

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Speaker 3: should be like, I can beat the boys, or I

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Speaker 3: can be in this league. I can compete just like

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Speaker 3: right next to the guys and do the thing the way.

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Speaker 2: They can walk into a dinner party when they're older

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Speaker 2: and be like, yeah, I was on an undefeated all

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Speaker 2: girls team that played in the boys league.

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Speaker 1: They're gonna have the best. Two truths are a lie?

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Speaker 2: Oh totally yeah. We love celebrating women's wins. Here on

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Speaker 2: the bright side, and we have some exciting news for

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Speaker 2: all of our Reese's book Club besties out there, Danielle,

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Speaker 2: the may RBC pick is officially here. Let me get

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Speaker 2: to announce it on the show today. Mmm mmmm So,

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Speaker 2: without further ado, the may Reese's Book Club pick is

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Speaker 2: drumroll please, How to End a Love Story by Yuleen Kwang.

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Speaker 2: I cannot wait to crack into this one, y'all. This

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Speaker 2: looks like the perfect beat read. It has fun, romantic

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Speaker 2: summer vibes. This book is Yuleen Quang's debut novel, and

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Speaker 2: it follows and Enemy's to Lovers narrative. Okay you following?

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Speaker 3: Oh like mister and missus Smith, it sounds like Enemies

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Speaker 3: to Lovers that.

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Speaker 2: But with writers. Okay, so it's about two writers who

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Speaker 2: have a shared and complicated history. One of the characters, Helen,

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Speaker 2: is a best selling author, and then Grant is a screenwriter.

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Speaker 2: And then somehow they both end up in the writer's

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Speaker 2: room of the exact same TV show, and then of

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Speaker 2: course drama ensues. If you want to find out how

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Speaker 2: their love story ends and actually where it begins, you'll

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Speaker 2: have to read the book along with us. Please do

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Speaker 2: we want you to be part of this?

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Speaker 3: First of all, this sounds so good, but also I

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Speaker 3: keep laughing because I'm like, this will never happen for me.

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Speaker 1: I work in all women's spaces.

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Speaker 3: I'm never gonna meet my enemy turned lover at work.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, you'll have to penetrate a male dominated industry. Daniel

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Speaker 2: Julien Quang is also actually a screenwriter and director. She's

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Speaker 2: worked on shows like the CW's I Ship It and

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Speaker 2: Hulu's Dolphace. So yes, we love a multi hyphenit creative. Okay,

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Speaker 2: this is hilarious fun fact about this author. She was

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Speaker 2: once fired from a Hallmark movie for being too hip

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Speaker 2: for Hallmark. That is a badge of honor, Queen.

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Speaker 1: Totally too hip for Hallmark. I I'm incredible.

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Speaker 2: I'm envious of that firing, like I want that on

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Speaker 2: my resume.

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Speaker 1: That's also a good two truths, sir Lie.

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Speaker 2: All right, I know there are some Emily Henry fans

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Speaker 2: out there. Euleen Quang is also the adapting screenwriter of

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Speaker 2: Emily Henry's People We Meet on Vacation, and she's also

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Speaker 2: that book.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I haven't read it, but I mean it's such

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Speaker 1: a fun read.

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Speaker 2: Juleen is also the writer director of the forthcoming Beat

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Speaker 2: Read film, which makes sense because this sounds like the

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Speaker 2: perfect beat reade. We had a really great conversation with

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Speaker 2: Claire Lombardo, who was the author of April's RBC pick,

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Speaker 2: the most fun we ever had. I got some wonderful

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Speaker 2: messages from listeners about that episode. They loved hearing Claire read.

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Speaker 2: So that's something that we're gonna have to do is

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Speaker 2: get you Leen to read a passage from her book.

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Speaker 1: And Claire gave us the tea she really did.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, that's the best part of having we get these

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Speaker 3: authors on first. Yes, they go through the rumor mill

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Speaker 3: online and talk to us about it.

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Speaker 2: I know, we're so lucky. So Julien Kwang will be

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Speaker 2: on The bright Side at the end of May to

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Speaker 2: talk about her novel How to End a Love Story,

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Speaker 2: So grab your copy now and send us your questions

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Speaker 2: to Hello at the Bridside podcast dot com.

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Speaker 3: Simon and I cannot wait to read this one. But

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Speaker 3: if you want to read along with us, Reese's book

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Speaker 3: Club is offering a Spring gift of reading box. Obviously,

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Speaker 3: How to End a Love Story is in it, and

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Speaker 3: it's there alongside some really fun, handpicked goodies. We did

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Speaker 3: it on boxing on Instagram if you want to see

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Speaker 3: everything in there. But these are limited edition boxes for

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Speaker 3: RBC fans, so we wanted to let you know about

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Speaker 3: them first and you can order them at shop dot

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Speaker 3: Reese's book Club dot com. Simone is a favorite product

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Speaker 3: in there. I loved the RBC tote bag that says

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Speaker 3: booked and busy.

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Speaker 2: It's so cute. It's really cute, so clever.

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Speaker 3: And then I'm a lip tint lipoil, lip gloss lip

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Speaker 3: balm girl and they had Merits tinted lipoil in there,

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Speaker 3: which was it was a great color.

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Speaker 2: So pretty. I have to say I love the brass bookmark.

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Speaker 2: It feels like you're taking a lap of luxury if

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Speaker 2: you're someone who typically dog ears your book pages like

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Speaker 2: I do. I mean, I feel like I jumped several

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Speaker 2: tax brackets by just using this brass bookmark. It's truly

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Speaker 2: incredible and life changing.

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Speaker 1: It really is. It's thin and it's thick, and it's fabulous.

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Speaker 2: It's weighted. You slide it in there like butta, It's

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Speaker 2: just the best. Oh. Also shout out to Shuga FINA's

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Speaker 2: Riptide Raspberries Gummies lack of gummies.

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Speaker 1: Talk about luxury.

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Speaker 2: If you're curious about what else is inside. Danielle and

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Speaker 2: I posted a video where we are unboxing the whole thing,

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Speaker 2: so check it out. I'm at Simone Boys on Instagram and.

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Speaker 1: I'm at Danielle robe RBA. Y.

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Speaker 3: All right, Well up next, Danielle Bayer Jackson is here

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Speaker 3: to talk through friendship problems.

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Speaker 1: But don't worry, we also got solutions for you. You

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Speaker 1: don't want to miss.

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Speaker 2: This, Danielle, We are back with another edition of Asking

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Speaker 2: for a Friend. Hey, if you're new to the show,

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Speaker 2: Asking for a Friend is The Brightside's take on a

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Speaker 2: friendship advice column, where we bring in an expert to

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Speaker 2: answer our and your friendship dilemmas. Because even though we

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Speaker 2: love our girls to death. Joyful relationships take work, y'all.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, they do, and it's not a bad thing. Danielle

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Speaker 3: Buyer Jackson is here to tell tell us how to

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Speaker 3: do the work. Danielle is a friendship coach, the host

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Speaker 3: of the Friendship Forward podcast, and the author of the

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Speaker 3: upcoming book Fighting for Our Friendships, which is out next week.

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Speaker 3: So ahead of her book launch, Danielle is back on

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Speaker 3: the show to share her friendship philosophy and show us

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Speaker 3: how healthy conflict is the real key to making our

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Speaker 3: friendships deeper, stronger, and more fulfilling. So, Danielle Buyer Jackson,

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Speaker 3: Welcome to the bright Side and a huge congratulations on

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Speaker 3: the book.

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Speaker 2: Welcome, Danielle.

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Speaker 4: I'm so glad to be back. Thank you so much

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Speaker 4: for having me. Everybody's been so supportive, and I'm really

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Speaker 4: excited to dig into some hot topics with you all

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Speaker 4: today because it's always a good time.

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Speaker 3: They're extra spicy today because we feel like we know

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Speaker 3: you no, So get ready.

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Speaker 2: This is a no holds barred interview. Now, Danielle, do

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Speaker 2: you ever still struggle with friendship problems or have you

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Speaker 2: reached full friendship enlightenment?

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Speaker 4: Could you imagine if I was like, oh, I totally

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Speaker 4: reached full of mind.

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Speaker 2: I would believe you. I would take you at facetyl

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Speaker 2: you and I would believe you. Oh no, no, no.

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Speaker 2: I am a woman out in the world.

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Speaker 4: With her own complexes and ego stuff and sensitivities, and

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Speaker 4: I'm out here figuring it out too. I think doing

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Speaker 4: this work has made me bolder and we're courageous in friendship.

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Speaker 4: But I'm still working out my stuff too, and I'm

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Speaker 4: grateful to have women who are very patient with me.

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Speaker 2: Danielle. In your book, you write about how disagreements can

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Speaker 2: be productive and the ways they can bring us closer together.

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Speaker 2: We're used to working through conflict and family and romantic relationships,

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Speaker 2: but in friendships it often feels like a deal breaker.

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Speaker 2: Why is that?

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Speaker 4: I think for a lot of us, we have been

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Speaker 4: raised with the anticipation of conflict in every other context.

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Speaker 4: We know we're going to get into it with our boo,

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Speaker 4: and we just know we're gonna have to work through

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Speaker 4: it right with our family and even at work we

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Speaker 4: have performance reviews, like we have these touch point moments

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Speaker 4: to talk about how are things going. But for some reason,

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Speaker 4: with friendship, we subscribe to the idea that like easy

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Speaker 4: and organic, so that when there is conflict we take

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Speaker 4: it as evidence that we must not be as close

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Speaker 4: as I thought. But we can reframe conflict is an

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Speaker 4: opportunity to meet a need or solve a problem. Don't

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Speaker 4: we think that as two people bringing different interests boundaries

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Speaker 4: needs to the table. At some point they're going to

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Speaker 4: clash and we have to work through it. So we've

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Speaker 4: got to make room to anticipate the same kind of tensions.

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Speaker 2: You write about the differences in how men and women

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Speaker 2: respond to conflict and friendships. Can you say more about that?

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I know it sometimes seems like I'm generalizing here,

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Speaker 4: but I report what the research has to say. And

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Speaker 4: one of the differences between men and women is for men,

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Speaker 4: they seem to have fewer social consequences for being perceived

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Speaker 4: as quote unquote difficult. So it's nothing to call their

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Speaker 4: friends out of his name, or to punch him in

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Speaker 4: the face, or to be like, bro, what you did

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Speaker 4: last night was not cool and not have a feel

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Speaker 4: like a threat to the relationship. But for women, we

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Speaker 4: know that there will be social consequences to being perceived

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Speaker 4: as drama, to being perceived as difficult. We are constantly

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Speaker 4: managing our appearance of looking cooperative, and so we just

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Speaker 4: continue to be silent because we are often praised for

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Speaker 4: being cooperative and we don't want to rock the book.

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Speaker 3: I really want to touch on these mismatched expectations because

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Speaker 3: I've personally experienced a lot of tension come up around weddings, birthdays,

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Speaker 3: special occasions where there are expectations that aren't being met.

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Speaker 3: What does setting expectations in friendship even look like?

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Speaker 2: Oh, that's good.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, it's tricky from the onset because friendship is the

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Speaker 4: most ambiguous relationship we have. With a romantic partner, we

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Speaker 4: know the predetermined life expectations, right with kids with your mother,

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Speaker 4: we know how this works. But with friendship, it's like,

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Speaker 4: are we ranking each other the same in closeness? Do

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Speaker 4: you expect me to invite you? Or would that be clany?

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Speaker 4: There's so much ambiguity, so you want to reduce the

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Speaker 4: ambiguity as much as you can. If anything, it's more

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Speaker 4: urgent for you to do it in friendship because we

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Speaker 4: are kind of negotiating it as we go along.

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Speaker 3: I think you're really hitting on something here, because we

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Speaker 3: all know what these expectations look like with.

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Speaker 1: Our moms, our partners, even at work.

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Speaker 3: We kind of know what these expectations look like, but

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Speaker 3: I'm actually not sure I understand what they look like

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Speaker 3: around friendship because they look different for me than maybe

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Speaker 3: my friend.

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Speaker 2: Mm hmm. Well that's the thing. I think you hit

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Speaker 2: on it, Danielle. It's Danielle. I'm gonna call you Robe

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Speaker 2: for the sake of this conversation. I think you hit

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Speaker 2: on it. Robe. The expectations vary from friendship to friendship,

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Speaker 2: so that's where we can butt up against those feelings

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Speaker 2: of resentment if those expectations aren't met.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, So I think just kind of bridging the gap

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Speaker 4: during organic opportunities is really helpful. So, for example, if

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Speaker 4: you have a friend who doesn't call and check in

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Speaker 4: and you're like, I feel like that's basic, how do

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Speaker 4: I kind of let her know that without it feeling

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Speaker 4: like an accusation that that's kind of what I expect

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Speaker 4: and friendships, So even saying like, hey, I really love

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Speaker 4: our check ins, like it's so much fun and I

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Speaker 4: wish we could do it kind of like more often.

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Speaker 4: Are you down for like a Friday morning catchup every week?

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Speaker 4: But I'm letting you know, this feels normal to me,

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Speaker 4: This feels good to me. Are you open to meeting

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Speaker 4: me here? And I think many of us would be

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Speaker 4: surprised that most times they are.

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Speaker 3: Part of what I like about your work is you

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Speaker 3: never suggest punishment, So you don't call somebody and say like, hey,

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Speaker 3: I'm really bummed you're not doing X, Y and Z.

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Speaker 3: You're saying, hey, I'd really like to chat more like.

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Speaker 3: It's more of an ad on instead of a takeaway.

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Speaker 4: You know, it's because we want people to respond well,

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Speaker 4: and at the heart of it, it is I miss you,

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Speaker 4: I desire more of you. The average person doesn't really

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Speaker 4: respond well to the other approach, right, somebody being like, oh,

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Speaker 4: you didn't invite me. Oh, I guess you can't call me.

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Speaker 4: Most people aren't responding that. So to say like, oh, man,

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Speaker 4: I would have loved to join you next time you go,

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Speaker 4: you know, think of me like I would love to come.

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Speaker 4: You know, most people can pick up on the message,

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Speaker 4: Oh she wants more, she wants to be included, and

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Speaker 4: sometimes it gets a better response.

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Speaker 2: I used to be that girl who would secretly have

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Speaker 2: FOMO and just never confront people about it, and I

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Speaker 2: think it I think social media makes it harder because

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Speaker 2: I mean, just being honest, I still experience it from

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Speaker 2: time to time whenever friends get together and I don't

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Speaker 2: get included or they're going on a trip. I mean,

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Speaker 2: it's just right there in your face. With social media.

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Speaker 4: Oh, totally from like a sociological aspect, I'm looking around

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Speaker 4: to see what are the norms. I'm trying to gauge

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Speaker 4: in my own track. So sometimes we have to check ourselves,

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Speaker 4: maybe especially with social media. Go outside and touch some grass,

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Speaker 4: right to like recalibrate.

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Speaker 2: We say touch grass almost every episode on the right side,

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Speaker 2: Like you're feeling depressed, go touch grass, you're hungry, go

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Speaker 2: touch grass.

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Speaker 1: Don't do it if you're allergic to grass.

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Speaker 2: We really do believe in the touching grass method of

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Speaker 2: coping here at the bright side. But that raises a

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Speaker 2: really great point. How do you know when it's time

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Speaker 2: to touch grass and let it slip or bring up

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Speaker 2: something that's been bothering you.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, that's a great question because it's hard to know. Okay,

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Speaker 4: is it in my head? Am I just being overly sensitive?

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Speaker 4: The first thing I'd like to encourage people to look

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Speaker 4: at is what is it costing you? Because every decision

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Speaker 4: you make is costing you something. So if you've decided, Okay,

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Speaker 4: I'm gonna be silent and say nothing, are you growing

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Speaker 4: and resentment becoming passive aggressive? Are you withdrawing? It's going

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Speaker 4: to cost you something. So how's that been working out

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Speaker 4: for you? And also, has your friend been kind of

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Speaker 4: like receptive to feedback in the past, if she's normally

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Speaker 4: been open to it, those are some signals that she's

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Speaker 4: developed over the course of your friendship of oh, you

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Speaker 4: can share here, you're safe to let me know because

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Speaker 4: the right people they want that data on how to

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Speaker 4: love you. Well, so if I'm telling you, hey, when

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Speaker 4: you do this thing, I don't know, it feels kind

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Speaker 4: of icky. The right people are relieved that you gave

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Speaker 4: them information that they're doing something that makes you feel unsafe.

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Speaker 4: And so I think some of us are reluctant to

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Speaker 4: lean into that because we don't know how it will go.

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Speaker 4: But we have to keep in mind that with the

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Speaker 4: right people, it's always worth it.

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Speaker 3: Do you think it's even if it's the wrong person,

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Speaker 3: it's worth it. Like, I've always been of the mindset

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Speaker 3: that you have to do what feels right for you,

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Speaker 3: and how someone receives your apology or your words is

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Speaker 3: kind of up to them.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, oh totally. I can say, you know what, I

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Speaker 4: don't feel good sitting on this. I have to express myself.

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Speaker 4: I have to be honest and the perfect world it's

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Speaker 4: received well, but if not, it's a bummer that she

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Speaker 4: didn't take it well. But I can at least be

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Speaker 4: proud of myself for speaking up authentically and honestly, and again, ideally,

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Speaker 4: hopefully the right people receive it well, and if not,

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Speaker 4: it's nothing to regret because you're maintaining sen sence of integrity.

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Speaker 2: I have one friend that comes to mind. This is

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Speaker 2: really heartbreaking, but she says she doesn't want to hang

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Speaker 2: out with me because she doesn't always want to feel

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Speaker 2: like the friend who doesn't have it together, Like she's

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Speaker 2: tired of feeling like a friend who's struggling. And I

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Speaker 2: was really really tough to hear because she's someone that

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Speaker 2: I've been friends with for a really long time, and

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Speaker 2: it makes me wonder am I not showing up for

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Speaker 2: her enough? But I check in with her a lot

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Speaker 2: because I know that she's struggling, and I'm just like, hey, girl,

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Speaker 2: how are you just checking in sending a lifeline. So

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Speaker 2: I don't know that's tough. That is tough.

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Speaker 4: I feel like it's also a reminder of just how

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Speaker 4: much of our personal stuff we bring to friendships, Like,

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Speaker 4: even if a friend is supportive, affirming, encouraging, I still

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Speaker 4: got to work through my own blocks, mindset, sense of worthiness.

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Speaker 2: So last time you were here, you mentioned that it

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Speaker 2: takes work to build an authentic connection with a friend,

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Speaker 2: and you've actually developed a practice called a door to

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Speaker 2: help with that. Can you talk us through what that means? Yeah?

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Speaker 4: So I like to argue that dealing with conflict should

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Speaker 4: start way before you have one, right, So we should

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Speaker 4: be creating an environment where people feel safe to speak up.

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Speaker 4: You can be vulnerable here, and we've developed some strong

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Speaker 4: things so that when we do have these with attension,

435
00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:02,639
Speaker 4: it kind of acts as a buffer and absorbs some

436
00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:04,840
Speaker 4: of that. And so there are practices we could be

437
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:07,800
Speaker 4: doing all of the time to keep those friendships strong.

438
00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:10,320
Speaker 4: So the adore practice is just like a nice acronym

439
00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:13,480
Speaker 4: to help us remember what can I tangibly do every day,

440
00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:15,919
Speaker 4: every week to keep this strong. So the A stands

441
00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:19,240
Speaker 4: for appreciation, which I know sounds super simple, but the

442
00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:22,280
Speaker 4: research finds that the people we often say thank you

443
00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:25,560
Speaker 4: to the least is the people we're closest to, because

444
00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:28,479
Speaker 4: we assume you ought to know that's obvious, but they

445
00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:32,600
Speaker 4: need to hear I appreciate you. The D stands for desire.

446
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:37,359
Speaker 4: How do we express platonic desire? Inviting you out, sending

447
00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:40,439
Speaker 4: you texts, initiating How do I show my friends I

448
00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:43,080
Speaker 4: want you and you are top of mind for me?

449
00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:46,160
Speaker 4: The O stands for openness, so this is like vulnerability.

450
00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:47,159
Speaker 2: Are you open?

451
00:21:47,359 --> 00:21:50,320
Speaker 4: Do you share? Especially for women because self disclosure is

452
00:21:50,359 --> 00:21:54,600
Speaker 4: the glue of women's friendships. The R stands for liability,

453
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:57,479
Speaker 4: which includes like trust, How do I show you you

454
00:21:57,520 --> 00:22:00,000
Speaker 4: can count on me? I got you, I remembered those

455
00:22:00,119 --> 00:22:03,000
Speaker 4: things you said last week. I'm following up. You can

456
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:06,480
Speaker 4: count on me? And finally E stands for experiences. You

457
00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:10,520
Speaker 4: need shared experiences. And it's really hard to get around

458
00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:15,840
Speaker 4: the role that spending time together plays and deepening a friendship.

459
00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:18,040
Speaker 4: So if you're ever finding yourself stuck on oh, I

460
00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:20,239
Speaker 4: want to be a better friend, I just don't know

461
00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:23,119
Speaker 4: what to do, these are some directions to help us

462
00:22:23,119 --> 00:22:23,639
Speaker 4: get started.

463
00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:27,199
Speaker 2: Desire is a word that I tend to associate with

464
00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:30,440
Speaker 2: romantic relationships. Why is it important for us to feel

465
00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:32,720
Speaker 2: desired in our friendships too, you.

466
00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:35,760
Speaker 4: Know, because I think feeling wanted and feeling like we

467
00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:39,760
Speaker 4: belong as a basic human need. But I just think

468
00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:41,760
Speaker 4: we take a lot of things for granted. And we

469
00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:43,680
Speaker 4: mentioned earlier kind of at the top of the show

470
00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:46,600
Speaker 4: about how friendships can be so ambiguous, so I think,

471
00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:50,119
Speaker 4: if anything, they need that reassurance most so, how do

472
00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:53,440
Speaker 4: I show my friends, Man, I really missed you this weekend,

473
00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:56,040
Speaker 4: or we missed you at the party. You totally should

474
00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:58,320
Speaker 4: have been there. It's not the same without you. These

475
00:22:58,359 --> 00:23:01,160
Speaker 4: things show I want you. I don't have an attitude

476
00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:03,600
Speaker 4: of like I can take or leave you. This shows

477
00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:07,679
Speaker 4: I actively desire your company, I desire to have you

478
00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:09,600
Speaker 4: in my life. And sometimes you just have to make

479
00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:10,000
Speaker 4: it plain.

480
00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:15,000
Speaker 3: I think resentment builds up in any relationship, especially if

481
00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:17,520
Speaker 3: you let it ste for too long. What do you

482
00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:21,240
Speaker 3: think about bringing up old fights?

483
00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:21,359
Speaker 4: Like?

484
00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:24,560
Speaker 3: Can you still bring up something you're resentful about years later?

485
00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:25,879
Speaker 1: Do you need to get over it?

486
00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:29,600
Speaker 4: You know, I know it's different situation a situation. I'll

487
00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:31,840
Speaker 4: say two things. The first is, I do think you

488
00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:34,040
Speaker 4: have to determine how much of your resentment is your

489
00:23:34,119 --> 00:23:36,800
Speaker 4: stuff and how much is her stuff? Because sometimes we

490
00:23:36,840 --> 00:23:38,600
Speaker 4: put our stuff on our front and it's like you

491
00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:41,040
Speaker 4: need to move on, or that's things because that's a

492
00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:43,119
Speaker 4: you thing. There's nothing I can do about that. But

493
00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:45,120
Speaker 4: there are times when it's like, man, I never got

494
00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:48,680
Speaker 4: that apology. I don't have reassurance that she even cares,

495
00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:50,840
Speaker 4: and it's always this lingering question and it gets in

496
00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:52,920
Speaker 4: the way of our closeness. If you've determined that it's

497
00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:55,120
Speaker 4: a her thing and not a you thing. I think

498
00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:59,320
Speaker 4: it's totally okay to say, Hey, I know this is

499
00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:03,840
Speaker 4: totally random and this is from so long ago, but

500
00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:07,120
Speaker 4: something that continues to bother me is what happens in

501
00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:11,119
Speaker 4: twenty seventeen. And I hope I don't come across as petty,

502
00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:13,679
Speaker 4: but I have noticed that it's something that keeps me

503
00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:16,159
Speaker 4: from like connecting with you, and I just wanted to

504
00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:20,000
Speaker 4: ask you about it. And again, hopefully friends are willing

505
00:24:20,040 --> 00:24:22,199
Speaker 4: to entertain that because they don't want those kinds of

506
00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:23,720
Speaker 4: things to get in the way, and it might be

507
00:24:23,760 --> 00:24:26,480
Speaker 4: an opportunity for them to provide the clarity you need

508
00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:28,040
Speaker 4: to kind of have some peace.

509
00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:31,560
Speaker 1: I love that clarity leads to peace.

510
00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:33,840
Speaker 3: Okay, I think now's a good time to take a

511
00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:36,320
Speaker 3: quick little break, and when we come back, let's hear

512
00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:38,800
Speaker 3: some questions from our bright side besties.

513
00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:49,440
Speaker 2: Stay with us. We're back with author and friendship coach

514
00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:52,879
Speaker 2: Danielle Bayer Jackson. So we've all been talking about conflict.

515
00:24:53,119 --> 00:24:56,400
Speaker 2: Let's get real about yours. We've got some real live

516
00:24:56,480 --> 00:25:01,200
Speaker 2: listener questions. Our first is from Sydney in sho She says,

517
00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:03,960
Speaker 2: I've had a friend I've known for a few years now.

518
00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:06,320
Speaker 2: She's someone I met through work but then developed a

519
00:25:06,320 --> 00:25:10,000
Speaker 2: pretty close relationship to. We're both scorpios and get along

520
00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:12,680
Speaker 2: really well. We're now in our thirties and I feel

521
00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:14,959
Speaker 2: like we're in more of an EBB stage rather than

522
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:18,520
Speaker 2: a flow. She's been going through a lot personally, and

523
00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:20,760
Speaker 2: I know she's been working through how to deal with everything.

524
00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:24,000
Speaker 2: Not to mention, she's also unhappy at her job. She's

525
00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:26,560
Speaker 2: always been someone to unload her baggage on her friends,

526
00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:29,800
Speaker 2: but lately it's been a little much. She hates her

527
00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:33,919
Speaker 2: job and talks about the same repeat offenses all the time.

528
00:25:34,240 --> 00:25:36,199
Speaker 2: And we're in the same industry, so she feels like

529
00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:38,800
Speaker 2: I'm a good ear, How do I go about telling

530
00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:42,960
Speaker 2: her I can't handle hearing her rants anymore without being unsupportive?

531
00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:46,920
Speaker 4: Okay. The reason why this is so tough is because

532
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:49,399
Speaker 4: the research tells us that the number one thing women

533
00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:52,959
Speaker 4: look for and their same sex friendships is emotional support.

534
00:25:53,119 --> 00:25:54,879
Speaker 4: So I think, kind of, in the back of our minds,

535
00:25:54,880 --> 00:25:58,800
Speaker 4: we know that if we are seen as unsupportive, it

536
00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:00,719
Speaker 4: might spell the end of the friendship, because that's what

537
00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:03,680
Speaker 4: women expect. But I also know that second hand stress

538
00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:07,639
Speaker 4: is a very real thing and that a friend continually

539
00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:11,080
Speaker 4: bringing you the same things can really physically be detrimental

540
00:26:11,119 --> 00:26:14,280
Speaker 4: to you. So the next time your friend brings you something,

541
00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:20,119
Speaker 4: it's totally okay to shift the conversation without being dismissive.

542
00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:22,359
Speaker 4: So that might look like hearing her out for the

543
00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:25,840
Speaker 4: hundredth time and saying things like, oh man, this is

544
00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:29,280
Speaker 4: really hard because I feel torn. On one hand, I'm

545
00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:32,240
Speaker 4: seeing you so upset and that makes me upset. But

546
00:26:32,280 --> 00:26:34,120
Speaker 4: on the other hands, I feel like, you know, we've

547
00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:36,159
Speaker 4: been talking about it a lot, and maybe kind of

548
00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:38,440
Speaker 4: staying in this state, do you want to like think

549
00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:40,119
Speaker 4: through things to kind of solve the problem, because I

550
00:26:40,119 --> 00:26:42,399
Speaker 4: hate seeing what it does to you, and honestly, I

551
00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:44,720
Speaker 4: don't know what I can do to help at this point.

552
00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:47,400
Speaker 4: I call that telegraphing your dilemma. I'm going to tell

553
00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:49,880
Speaker 4: you why I'm stuck in the middle. I hate seeing

554
00:26:49,920 --> 00:26:51,560
Speaker 4: you like this, but I also want to kind of

555
00:26:51,560 --> 00:26:53,480
Speaker 4: like get us out of this girl. What can we do?

556
00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:57,760
Speaker 4: And it's not dismissive, but also showing up for your

557
00:26:57,800 --> 00:27:01,480
Speaker 4: friend doesn't equal I have to end door every tie

558
00:27:01,560 --> 00:27:05,280
Speaker 4: rade on this six month long roller coaster. There has

559
00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:06,720
Speaker 4: to be able to be some room for both.

560
00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:12,000
Speaker 3: Okay, next step, we have Brittany from Portland. Brittany says,

561
00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:13,560
Speaker 3: I have a friend in my life who I have

562
00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:17,679
Speaker 3: absolutely adored. Almost since we first met. We developed a

563
00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:20,840
Speaker 3: really strong connection, almost like having an immediate chemistry with

564
00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:23,400
Speaker 3: a crush. She and I would talk almost every day,

565
00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:25,240
Speaker 3: even though I was usually the one reaching out to

566
00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:28,520
Speaker 3: start the conversation. She's always been pretty receptive to our

567
00:27:28,520 --> 00:27:31,960
Speaker 3: communication style, but it definitely does not match my own.

568
00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:34,840
Speaker 3: I'm constantly wanting to talk to her and to see her,

569
00:27:35,119 --> 00:27:37,400
Speaker 3: but she doesn't always make me feel like that's how

570
00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:40,040
Speaker 3: she feels too. Lately, it's feeling like this is pretty

571
00:27:40,040 --> 00:27:43,560
Speaker 3: one sided, but she's not communicating anything directly. I'm not

572
00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:45,800
Speaker 3: trying to force the friendship, but it feels like she's

573
00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:47,720
Speaker 3: telling me with her actions that I'm too much.

574
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:49,080
Speaker 1: How should I move forward?

575
00:27:50,840 --> 00:27:52,760
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's a common one I hear is about not

576
00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:55,639
Speaker 4: feeling like things are reciprocal, or the fear of being

577
00:27:55,680 --> 00:27:58,160
Speaker 4: too much. I think that's deep within a lot of us, right.

578
00:27:58,200 --> 00:28:01,399
Speaker 4: We don't want that confirmed. If you're suspecting that a

579
00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:04,879
Speaker 4: friend might be overwhelmed by you, or disinterested or not

580
00:28:04,920 --> 00:28:09,959
Speaker 4: as invested despite multiple attempts to reach out, it's totally

581
00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:12,400
Speaker 4: okay to say, hey, you know, I know I've reached

582
00:28:12,400 --> 00:28:14,439
Speaker 4: out the last couple of times to go to brunch

583
00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:16,480
Speaker 4: and to get together, but the last thing I want

584
00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:19,320
Speaker 4: to do is overwhelm you. So let me know when

585
00:28:19,359 --> 00:28:22,000
Speaker 4: you're open to meeting up. I would love to connect now.

586
00:28:22,040 --> 00:28:23,840
Speaker 4: I know that can feel like giving your power away,

587
00:28:23,920 --> 00:28:26,119
Speaker 4: or people say putting the ball in her core. But

588
00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:29,240
Speaker 4: if you have made multiple attempts to get together and

589
00:28:29,280 --> 00:28:32,160
Speaker 4: this person's not meeting you there and they're not negotiating

590
00:28:32,160 --> 00:28:34,840
Speaker 4: with you, like the friends who are saying I can't

591
00:28:34,880 --> 00:28:36,960
Speaker 4: meet you here, but here's what I can do. I'm

592
00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:39,680
Speaker 4: looking for that the friend who's putting you off or

593
00:28:39,760 --> 00:28:42,960
Speaker 4: consistently unavailable. Kind of like what we said earlier, you

594
00:28:43,040 --> 00:28:44,520
Speaker 4: might have love for her, but at the end of

595
00:28:44,560 --> 00:28:47,000
Speaker 4: the day, your friendship goals might not be compatible.

596
00:28:47,320 --> 00:28:50,480
Speaker 2: I think that love bombing exists in platonic friendships too,

597
00:28:51,200 --> 00:28:54,240
Speaker 2: where things are just too strong, too fast at the

598
00:28:54,240 --> 00:28:56,480
Speaker 2: beginning of a friendship, and I think that that can

599
00:28:56,600 --> 00:28:58,960
Speaker 2: kind of set things off on the wrong path.

600
00:28:59,120 --> 00:29:02,160
Speaker 4: Oh, one hundred perc Like, fast friends, especially with women,

601
00:29:02,280 --> 00:29:05,040
Speaker 4: is very much a thing where the chemistry is high,

602
00:29:05,280 --> 00:29:07,640
Speaker 4: the flow of conversation is high, you're sharing things, you

603
00:29:07,640 --> 00:29:09,920
Speaker 4: feel seen, the energy is high. I mean that is

604
00:29:09,960 --> 00:29:12,280
Speaker 4: a very real thing, and you're absolutely right that it

605
00:29:12,280 --> 00:29:14,240
Speaker 4: can kind of set the tone of like, oh, this

606
00:29:14,320 --> 00:29:16,640
Speaker 4: is our pace, this is the norm, this is what

607
00:29:16,680 --> 00:29:18,960
Speaker 4: we do. So is it possible they have a person

608
00:29:19,040 --> 00:29:20,840
Speaker 4: burned out? Or is it possible that they were just

609
00:29:20,920 --> 00:29:22,840
Speaker 4: kind of like in it for a moment but then

610
00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:25,680
Speaker 4: over it. One hundred percent possible. I always lean to

611
00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:28,440
Speaker 4: the fact that we could speculate all day as to

612
00:29:28,480 --> 00:29:30,840
Speaker 4: why this person is kind of like faded out. All

613
00:29:30,880 --> 00:29:33,560
Speaker 4: we can operate with is what we can control. If

614
00:29:33,600 --> 00:29:36,800
Speaker 4: you feel foolish having reached out eighty five times, and

615
00:29:36,800 --> 00:29:39,480
Speaker 4: you're like, Okay, I'm gonna let her know, no hard feelings,

616
00:29:39,800 --> 00:29:42,920
Speaker 4: but also I can't do this anymore and wait and

617
00:29:43,120 --> 00:29:46,240
Speaker 4: wonder and be anxious. Hopefully she can relieve you of

618
00:29:46,280 --> 00:29:48,760
Speaker 4: that by offering assurance, but if she can't, it's time

619
00:29:48,760 --> 00:29:50,560
Speaker 4: to move on with people who are a little more reciprocal.

620
00:29:50,920 --> 00:29:52,840
Speaker 4: You can't be the thirsty friend. You just can't.

621
00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:54,920
Speaker 2: Nobody likes a thirsty friend.

622
00:29:55,640 --> 00:29:58,560
Speaker 3: Well, I actually think about it as compatibility. I think

623
00:29:58,560 --> 00:30:02,360
Speaker 3: about dating as compatibility too, unless as chemistry, because like,

624
00:30:02,440 --> 00:30:05,600
Speaker 3: if somebody is not feeling you, you have to just

625
00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:09,000
Speaker 3: say thank you, because down the line, something else is

626
00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:11,240
Speaker 3: going to pop up with them because they're feeling something

627
00:30:11,280 --> 00:30:13,680
Speaker 3: that's incompatible that you're not feeling yet.

628
00:30:13,800 --> 00:30:16,400
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, that's so good. And yeah, a lot of

629
00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:18,520
Speaker 4: it is subjective, right, because you might think, oh, gosh,

630
00:30:18,560 --> 00:30:20,640
Speaker 4: she's too much and for somebody else for like, she's

631
00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:23,400
Speaker 4: just right, you know. So I always say, you know,

632
00:30:23,440 --> 00:30:26,320
Speaker 4: it's all subjective, but also to keep your ear open

633
00:30:26,440 --> 00:30:29,760
Speaker 4: to themes and the feedback you received. But if my

634
00:30:29,960 --> 00:30:33,920
Speaker 4: mother and my boyfriends and my friends have all said, hey,

635
00:30:33,960 --> 00:30:36,760
Speaker 4: that's a lot at some point, I do have to say, Okay, well,

636
00:30:36,880 --> 00:30:40,480
Speaker 4: how why might they be experiencing me that way? So

637
00:30:40,560 --> 00:30:42,360
Speaker 4: if I'm hearing a theme of feedback that hey, I'm

638
00:30:42,360 --> 00:30:45,200
Speaker 4: feeling kind of overwhelmed by that, I have to determine, oh,

639
00:30:45,240 --> 00:30:47,360
Speaker 4: that might be an inside jab.

640
00:30:47,920 --> 00:30:51,880
Speaker 2: Self awareness is essential for happiness and contempting. Y'all all right?

641
00:30:52,080 --> 00:30:55,520
Speaker 2: Last question for today comes from Casey from Houston. Here

642
00:30:55,560 --> 00:31:00,160
Speaker 2: we go. My friend is constantly seeking out relationships. If

643
00:31:00,160 --> 00:31:02,560
Speaker 2: she's not in a relationship, she's got a crush. If

644
00:31:02,600 --> 00:31:04,840
Speaker 2: it's not a crush, it's like a one night stand.

645
00:31:05,320 --> 00:31:08,400
Speaker 2: She's always got some romantic situation she wants to talk about,

646
00:31:08,440 --> 00:31:11,440
Speaker 2: but it's usually the same issue. She's looking for this

647
00:31:11,480 --> 00:31:15,280
Speaker 2: ideal person but hasn't found the one yet. She recently

648
00:31:15,320 --> 00:31:17,920
Speaker 2: just got back into a relationship with someone she claims

649
00:31:18,080 --> 00:31:21,160
Speaker 2: is the love of her life. Their long distance and

650
00:31:21,200 --> 00:31:23,720
Speaker 2: not much has changed in their relationship, but they're still

651
00:31:23,760 --> 00:31:27,160
Speaker 2: trying again. She's recently gone through some major personal struggles

652
00:31:27,160 --> 00:31:29,280
Speaker 2: that I feel make her need to be connected to

653
00:31:29,360 --> 00:31:32,880
Speaker 2: someone even more. I really want her to be happy,

654
00:31:33,080 --> 00:31:34,680
Speaker 2: but I don't think I want to be the one

655
00:31:34,680 --> 00:31:37,560
Speaker 2: that she bounces all her boyfriend issues off of So

656
00:31:37,720 --> 00:31:40,800
Speaker 2: how do I politely wish her well but also ask

657
00:31:41,000 --> 00:31:44,160
Speaker 2: not to be consulted anymore. I did this with a friend.

658
00:31:44,400 --> 00:31:46,960
Speaker 4: How did your friends? What did they say to you? Well,

659
00:31:47,160 --> 00:31:48,520
Speaker 4: I don't like to be overt.

660
00:31:49,200 --> 00:31:51,440
Speaker 1: I like to be more like covert.

661
00:31:51,760 --> 00:31:55,320
Speaker 3: I said, I love you so much, and I really

662
00:31:55,360 --> 00:31:57,960
Speaker 3: feel like you're in so much pain, and it's more

663
00:31:58,000 --> 00:32:00,320
Speaker 3: pain than I even know how to help be with.

664
00:32:01,320 --> 00:32:03,560
Speaker 3: Here's the number to a therapist I've worked with in

665
00:32:03,560 --> 00:32:06,040
Speaker 3: the past. I feel like she could be really helpful,

666
00:32:06,320 --> 00:32:08,480
Speaker 3: and then I just stopped answering calls as much because

667
00:32:08,480 --> 00:32:09,920
Speaker 3: I really didn't have bandwidth for it.

668
00:32:10,320 --> 00:32:12,440
Speaker 2: I can also relate to this. I have been the

669
00:32:12,480 --> 00:32:16,280
Speaker 2: proxy therapist for friends more times than I like to count,

670
00:32:16,280 --> 00:32:19,600
Speaker 2: and I'm like, listen, I am so underqualified for this

671
00:32:19,720 --> 00:32:22,400
Speaker 2: right now. I need you to go outsource this because

672
00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:24,000
Speaker 2: I can't help you.

673
00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:26,280
Speaker 4: You know what I love about that response, though so much,

674
00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:28,719
Speaker 4: is there's like a little bit of playfulness. But I

675
00:32:28,760 --> 00:32:31,840
Speaker 4: also just told you my limit. And sometimes we're so

676
00:32:31,880 --> 00:32:34,600
Speaker 4: serious all the time. I think to say, like, girl, okay,

677
00:32:35,200 --> 00:32:37,920
Speaker 4: I want to support you ideal, but this is like

678
00:32:38,400 --> 00:32:41,520
Speaker 4: out of my scope, Like I really cannot help you.

679
00:32:41,560 --> 00:32:43,640
Speaker 4: And I feel bad about it, but at this point

680
00:32:43,720 --> 00:32:47,520
Speaker 4: I think talking to insert person here might be more helpful.

681
00:32:47,760 --> 00:32:49,120
Speaker 4: And I know even this is tricky because I know

682
00:32:49,120 --> 00:32:50,960
Speaker 4: sometimes friends are like, no, no, I'm not looking for advice.

683
00:32:51,000 --> 00:32:52,640
Speaker 4: I just like want to like that, you know, And

684
00:32:52,760 --> 00:32:54,760
Speaker 4: I think it's totally okay to say, like, hey, I'm

685
00:32:54,800 --> 00:32:56,800
Speaker 4: with you, but we've seen this before. The last thing

686
00:32:56,800 --> 00:32:58,280
Speaker 4: I wanted for you to think, I'm not being supportive

687
00:32:58,320 --> 00:33:00,479
Speaker 4: but a nervous that he's going to take you down

688
00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:03,320
Speaker 4: the same path as before, and that's gonna be hard

689
00:33:03,320 --> 00:33:05,840
Speaker 4: for me to watch. So are you okay with my

690
00:33:05,920 --> 00:33:09,280
Speaker 4: support just looking like xyz? That weighs less of a

691
00:33:09,360 --> 00:33:11,440
Speaker 4: question of whether or not I'm supporting you. I'm letting

692
00:33:11,480 --> 00:33:13,080
Speaker 4: you know what my support's about to look like, and

693
00:33:13,120 --> 00:33:15,040
Speaker 4: so that kind of frames I'm still here for you,

694
00:33:15,120 --> 00:33:17,600
Speaker 4: but unfortunately it's gonna look like this for me. And

695
00:33:17,640 --> 00:33:19,160
Speaker 4: that is boundaries.

696
00:33:19,640 --> 00:33:20,600
Speaker 1: That's really beautiful.

697
00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:24,680
Speaker 2: The B word we all love. Danielle. You touched on

698
00:33:25,040 --> 00:33:27,960
Speaker 2: a goofy girl hypothesis that I have, and that is

699
00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:32,440
Speaker 2: that laughter and levity are sometimes the best tools to

700
00:33:32,520 --> 00:33:36,160
Speaker 2: navigate conflict and friendship. Is there any truth to that?

701
00:33:36,280 --> 00:33:38,800
Speaker 2: Like just being like, hey, let's take a step back.

702
00:33:38,920 --> 00:33:41,520
Speaker 2: I know things got a little tense. Let's find the

703
00:33:41,600 --> 00:33:43,800
Speaker 2: humor in this. Let's try to laugh it off and

704
00:33:43,880 --> 00:33:45,160
Speaker 2: realize it's not that deep.

705
00:33:45,720 --> 00:33:49,000
Speaker 4: I think that's my personal way of handling conflict, too,

706
00:33:49,120 --> 00:33:52,400
Speaker 4: is to be like, okay, girl, we this is I

707
00:33:52,440 --> 00:33:54,720
Speaker 4: don't know what you met last night by what you said.

708
00:33:54,800 --> 00:33:57,000
Speaker 4: Now help me out now, because I'm trying to understand,

709
00:33:57,160 --> 00:33:59,920
Speaker 4: you know, like some level of playfulness, because I think

710
00:34:00,000 --> 00:34:02,719
Speaker 4: sometimes we're so reluctant to even have the conversations because

711
00:34:02,800 --> 00:34:05,280
Speaker 4: in our brain we picture it as the formal sit down.

712
00:34:05,520 --> 00:34:07,640
Speaker 4: We're about to read off a sheet of paper all

713
00:34:07,760 --> 00:34:10,319
Speaker 4: our new boundaries, and that is scary. So to kind

714
00:34:10,320 --> 00:34:13,800
Speaker 4: of draw from the playfulness that's always sustained this friendship,

715
00:34:14,080 --> 00:34:17,160
Speaker 4: we can kind of have tough conversations in this space

716
00:34:17,239 --> 00:34:20,240
Speaker 4: in this way as well. It's consistent with our friendships.

717
00:34:20,440 --> 00:34:22,600
Speaker 4: But I think sometimes that can add a lightness that

718
00:34:22,640 --> 00:34:23,920
Speaker 4: makes it easier to digest.

719
00:34:24,360 --> 00:34:27,240
Speaker 2: What's the silliest disagreement you've ever had with a friend?

720
00:34:28,040 --> 00:34:30,960
Speaker 4: I don't know. I think she listens. I think she

721
00:34:31,000 --> 00:34:32,880
Speaker 4: listens to the podcast, and I don't know if she

722
00:34:32,960 --> 00:34:35,600
Speaker 4: thinks it was silly, okay, but I'll say that we

723
00:34:35,640 --> 00:34:38,120
Speaker 4: got through it. I think we can kind of laugh now.

724
00:34:38,160 --> 00:34:41,160
Speaker 4: I can laugh now. I think she's catching up. Can

725
00:34:41,160 --> 00:34:42,440
Speaker 4: we get any more details?

726
00:34:42,480 --> 00:34:46,440
Speaker 2: Code names, anything, code places, code instances.

727
00:34:46,440 --> 00:34:48,680
Speaker 1: Oh, she's not putting her friend up blast.

728
00:34:49,040 --> 00:34:52,240
Speaker 2: I am an investigative journalist, Dan Yelle put some respects

729
00:34:52,280 --> 00:34:52,520
Speaker 2: on my.

730
00:34:52,600 --> 00:34:55,719
Speaker 1: Way now, a friendship expert. She knows our boundaries.

731
00:34:55,960 --> 00:34:56,600
Speaker 2: I'll say this.

732
00:34:56,760 --> 00:34:59,319
Speaker 4: I'll say a recent silly one that I think got

733
00:34:59,360 --> 00:35:02,400
Speaker 4: kind of tense was we were analyzing Love as Blind

734
00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:05,279
Speaker 4: via text and we were going back and forth and

735
00:35:05,680 --> 00:35:08,000
Speaker 4: I gave an analysis of what I thought was wrong

736
00:35:08,080 --> 00:35:10,239
Speaker 4: with one of the couples, and I think she got

737
00:35:10,280 --> 00:35:13,000
Speaker 4: offended by it. She like was kind of being short

738
00:35:13,000 --> 00:35:15,480
Speaker 4: in the stop texting. And then we talked later and

739
00:35:15,600 --> 00:35:18,200
Speaker 4: it turned out she was offended. I'm like, these people

740
00:35:18,200 --> 00:35:19,680
Speaker 4: are not our life.

741
00:35:20,040 --> 00:35:21,680
Speaker 1: No, no, like that's a her problem.

742
00:35:21,719 --> 00:35:25,080
Speaker 4: So that was like a silly thing that she genuinely

743
00:35:25,160 --> 00:35:28,160
Speaker 4: got offended for. But you know, it is what it is.

744
00:35:28,600 --> 00:35:30,920
Speaker 3: Did you determine that to be a her problem or

745
00:35:30,960 --> 00:35:32,200
Speaker 3: did you take accountability?

746
00:35:32,719 --> 00:35:34,320
Speaker 4: I think that was her problem. I don't think I

747
00:35:34,400 --> 00:35:38,319
Speaker 4: said anything wrong. I think that was my analysis of

748
00:35:38,400 --> 00:35:40,680
Speaker 4: the cast members of Love Is Blind, and I think

749
00:35:40,719 --> 00:35:43,080
Speaker 4: I was absolutely right, you know, and she'll see.

750
00:35:42,920 --> 00:35:45,640
Speaker 2: That one day, not Love Is Blind being a homewrecker.

751
00:35:45,760 --> 00:35:48,200
Speaker 2: This is just cracking me up.

752
00:35:48,360 --> 00:35:51,719
Speaker 3: Danielle, thank you so much for coming back to the

753
00:35:51,719 --> 00:35:54,600
Speaker 3: bright Side. We're just so lucky to have you. We

754
00:35:54,640 --> 00:35:55,879
Speaker 3: have so much fun when you're here.

755
00:35:56,480 --> 00:35:57,960
Speaker 4: Oh, I'm so glad to be here. I mean, the

756
00:35:58,000 --> 00:36:01,319
Speaker 4: conversation is so important, so think you all for facilitating

757
00:36:01,320 --> 00:36:02,600
Speaker 4: a moment to chat this through.

758
00:36:02,640 --> 00:36:07,480
Speaker 2: Thank you so much, Danielle.

759
00:36:09,600 --> 00:36:13,120
Speaker 3: Danielle Buyer Jackson is a friendship coach, podcast host, and

760
00:36:13,280 --> 00:36:16,520
Speaker 3: author of the upcoming book Fighting for Our Friendships, out

761
00:36:16,680 --> 00:36:20,200
Speaker 3: May seventh. You can find it wherever you buy your books,

762
00:36:20,400 --> 00:36:22,200
Speaker 3: especially our favorite local bookstores.

763
00:36:22,680 --> 00:36:26,360
Speaker 2: Big shout out to Sydney, Brittany and Casey for opening

764
00:36:26,480 --> 00:36:29,080
Speaker 2: up and sharing your questions with us. Let us know

765
00:36:29,120 --> 00:36:31,399
Speaker 2: how it all goes, and we'll be back with more

766
00:36:31,440 --> 00:36:34,480
Speaker 2: asking for our friend soon. So send your friendship questions

767
00:36:34,520 --> 00:36:38,080
Speaker 2: our way. Our email address is hello at the brightsidepodcast

768
00:36:38,120 --> 00:36:47,680
Speaker 2: dot com. I always love whenever she comes on the show.

769
00:36:47,800 --> 00:36:49,680
Speaker 2: I learned so much and I feel like we're always

770
00:36:49,719 --> 00:36:52,319
Speaker 2: just brimming with questions like we can't. Yeah, we can't

771
00:36:52,400 --> 00:36:53,320
Speaker 2: keep them inside.

772
00:36:53,400 --> 00:36:54,479
Speaker 1: They'll never be enough.

773
00:36:54,520 --> 00:36:57,600
Speaker 3: And we also have so many opinions. I just keep thinking,

774
00:36:57,640 --> 00:37:00,440
Speaker 3: like fight, fight, fight, like. I love the idea of

775
00:37:00,480 --> 00:37:03,839
Speaker 3: fighting for friendships in a healthy way because we think

776
00:37:03,840 --> 00:37:06,320
Speaker 3: of conflict as harmful, but it's actually helpful.

777
00:37:06,560 --> 00:37:08,600
Speaker 2: You know what stuck out to me this time was

778
00:37:09,080 --> 00:37:13,839
Speaker 2: that dynamic of her stuff versus your stuff. Like, if

779
00:37:13,840 --> 00:37:16,680
Speaker 2: you just pass everything through that filter every time you're

780
00:37:16,680 --> 00:37:18,880
Speaker 2: going through a conflict, it's a really great way to

781
00:37:18,880 --> 00:37:19,800
Speaker 2: remain self aware.

782
00:37:19,920 --> 00:37:20,920
Speaker 1: Here's the problem.

783
00:37:21,320 --> 00:37:23,760
Speaker 3: Sometimes you think it's her stuff and it's your stuff,

784
00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:25,200
Speaker 3: or vice versa.

785
00:37:25,320 --> 00:37:26,920
Speaker 2: That's why you need to be more self aware.

786
00:37:27,080 --> 00:37:28,680
Speaker 1: I think that's why you need a friendship coach.

787
00:37:30,360 --> 00:37:32,120
Speaker 2: Well, we know one. You're in luck.

788
00:37:37,960 --> 00:37:40,640
Speaker 3: That's it for today's show. Tomorrow, we're getting the Tea

789
00:37:40,800 --> 00:37:43,759
Speaker 3: on the met Gala. Is it Gala or Gala? I

790
00:37:43,800 --> 00:37:46,440
Speaker 3: don't know TVD, but we're getting the tea on it

791
00:37:46,480 --> 00:37:51,280
Speaker 3: with Internet personality and pop culture anthropologist blakely Thornton.

792
00:37:51,600 --> 00:37:55,000
Speaker 2: Subscribe and listen to the bright Side on the iHeartRadio

793
00:37:55,080 --> 00:37:58,200
Speaker 2: app or wherever else you get your podcasts. I'm Simone

794
00:37:58,239 --> 00:38:00,719
Speaker 2: Boyce and you can find me on Instagram and TikTok

795
00:38:00,880 --> 00:38:02,040
Speaker 2: at Simone Boye.

796
00:38:02,080 --> 00:38:03,160
Speaker 1: I'm Danielle Robe.

797
00:38:03,280 --> 00:38:06,440
Speaker 3: You can follow me on Instagram and TikTok at Danielle

798
00:38:06,520 --> 00:38:08,520
Speaker 3: Robe R O B A Y.

799
00:38:08,960 --> 00:38:09,880
Speaker 1: We'll see you tomorrow