WEBVTT - What Comes After Gold, With Olympian Missy Franklin 0:00:02.200 --> 0:00:06.080 Hey, slight changers. This summer, Pushkin is going to the Olympics. 0:00:06.760 --> 0:00:09.560 Our friends across the Pushkin network are sharing all sorts 0:00:09.560 --> 0:00:12.280 of stories about one of the world's biggest sporting events. 0:00:12.840 --> 0:00:15.800 They're talking to a coach who counsels all the Olympic coaches. 0:00:16.400 --> 0:00:19.400 They're diving deep into the latest sports science, and they're 0:00:19.440 --> 0:00:22.599 sharing the origin story of brands like Puma and Adidas. 0:00:23.280 --> 0:00:25.680 Here at a slight change of plans. For the next 0:00:25.720 --> 0:00:28.000 few weeks, we're going to be hearing from three Olympic 0:00:28.000 --> 0:00:32.559 swimmers about how they handled some fascinating life transitions. I 0:00:32.600 --> 0:00:35.120 really think you'll love this series. I hope you enjoy 0:00:35.159 --> 0:00:42.280 it Pushkin. 0:00:55.760 --> 0:00:59.880 I remember sitting behind the wheel just crying the entire 0:01:00.160 --> 0:01:03.560 way to practice and just knowing that I was gonna go, 0:01:03.720 --> 0:01:05.600 and that I was about to jump into a freezing 0:01:05.640 --> 0:01:08.479 cold pool and swim for two hours and be disappointed 0:01:08.520 --> 0:01:09.120 with how I did. 0:01:10.080 --> 0:01:14.000 Swimmer Missy Franklin won four Olympic gold medals as a teenager, 0:01:14.760 --> 0:01:17.559 but as she trained for her second Olympics, she found 0:01:17.600 --> 0:01:22.600 herself unexpectedly struggling with so much to defend. The pool 0:01:22.720 --> 0:01:24.679 suddenly felt like a pressure cooker. 0:01:25.160 --> 0:01:27.640 This is not just a swim mate. This is who 0:01:27.680 --> 0:01:31.320 I am. And if I don't do this, why am 0:01:31.360 --> 0:01:33.600 I here? What is my worth? I have none if 0:01:33.600 --> 0:01:34.960 I can't do this and do it well. 0:01:38.760 --> 0:01:42.680 On today's episode, when the loss of an identity threatens 0:01:42.720 --> 0:01:47.520 your self worth, I'm maya Shunker and this is a 0:01:47.560 --> 0:01:50.360 slight change of plans, a show about who we are 0:01:50.520 --> 0:01:58.560 and who we become in the face of a big change. 0:02:05.240 --> 0:02:09.040 At just seventeen years old, Missy Franklin was laser focused 0:02:09.040 --> 0:02:12.600 on qualifying for the twenty twelve Olympics in London. This 0:02:12.680 --> 0:02:16.000 dream was years in the making. From the time Missy 0:02:16.120 --> 0:02:18.520 was a little kid, swimming had been at the center 0:02:18.600 --> 0:02:19.160 of her life. 0:02:19.919 --> 0:02:22.640 I got into the water because my mom never learned 0:02:22.680 --> 0:02:24.760 how to swim, and she didn't want to pass that 0:02:24.800 --> 0:02:27.360 fear down on to me, and she signed us up 0:02:27.360 --> 0:02:29.800 for a mommy and me class at our local YMCA 0:02:29.880 --> 0:02:32.600 when I was six months old, and I was that 0:02:32.720 --> 0:02:35.560 baby that was getting dunked under and coming back up, 0:02:35.760 --> 0:02:39.360 just laughing and loving every second of it. And so 0:02:39.520 --> 0:02:44.359 even though to some it seems crazy to be training 0:02:44.360 --> 0:02:47.880 for an Olympics at seventeen, to me, I was just 0:02:47.919 --> 0:02:50.560 doing what I loved every single day, and there was 0:02:50.639 --> 0:02:53.720 hard work, but I never saw anything I did as 0:02:53.800 --> 0:02:57.120 sacrifice because it was my goal and it was my dream. 0:02:57.720 --> 0:03:01.240 I wasn't concerned about other people's expectations. I wasn't concerned 0:03:01.280 --> 0:03:04.519 about what other people wanted me to achieve. I had 0:03:04.520 --> 0:03:06.840 my own dreams, my own goals, and I was focused 0:03:06.840 --> 0:03:09.720 on those. So in twenty twelve, that's just what I 0:03:09.760 --> 0:03:11.240 was working towards every single day. 0:03:12.360 --> 0:03:15.480 You mentioned that you never thought of your commitment as 0:03:15.560 --> 0:03:18.600 sacrifice because you loved it so much. Share a bit 0:03:18.600 --> 0:03:20.799 more about what that commitment looked like. What was your 0:03:20.800 --> 0:03:23.320 everyday life like in the lead up to twenty twelve. 0:03:23.760 --> 0:03:27.680 We'd practice Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, so that means swimming twice, 0:03:27.760 --> 0:03:29.920 once in the morning, once in the afternoon, each for 0:03:30.000 --> 0:03:33.519 about two hours, and then we'd have single swim sessions 0:03:33.639 --> 0:03:36.880 on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. But I don't think people 0:03:37.800 --> 0:03:41.000 can sometimes totally comprehend the fact that it is a 0:03:41.200 --> 0:03:44.720 twenty four to seven job because everything needs to be 0:03:44.760 --> 0:03:48.120 supported by everything you're doing outside of that space as well. 0:03:48.440 --> 0:03:51.440 So it's your sleep, it's your nutrition, it's your recovery. 0:03:51.800 --> 0:03:54.440 And then also I was seventeen years old, right, So 0:03:54.480 --> 0:03:55.480 I was going to high school. 0:03:55.760 --> 0:03:57.200 I was still in school every. 0:03:57.040 --> 0:04:00.680 Single day, and then traveling and doing different promos for 0:04:00.760 --> 0:04:04.080 the United States Olympic and Paralympic Committee and NBC and 0:04:04.560 --> 0:04:07.920 traveling for different meats preparing leading up to that summer. 0:04:08.160 --> 0:04:11.120 But it sounds like a lot. It was also all 0:04:11.160 --> 0:04:14.320 that I knew, So to me, that was just life. 0:04:14.720 --> 0:04:18.880 Yeah, tell me a bit more about where your head 0:04:18.960 --> 0:04:21.440 was at as you were you were prepping for London, 0:04:21.520 --> 0:04:24.679 and it's wow, like maybe these big dreams of mine 0:04:24.800 --> 0:04:25.839 can actually come true. 0:04:26.200 --> 0:04:30.120 Yeah, so I think heading into London, my goal truly 0:04:30.400 --> 0:04:32.960 was to make the team, like that was really all 0:04:33.000 --> 0:04:35.200 that I had set on myself. And if you talk 0:04:35.279 --> 0:04:39.280 to any swimmer, they will tell you that Olympic trials 0:04:39.520 --> 0:04:43.240 is infinitely more intense and more pressure filled than the 0:04:43.279 --> 0:04:48.120 actual Olympics themselves, because once you made the team, you 0:04:48.200 --> 0:04:50.839 made it right, you're an Olympian, Like you get to 0:04:50.839 --> 0:04:53.279 be an Olympian for the rest of your life. But 0:04:53.760 --> 0:04:58.360 our races come down to hundreds of a second, and 0:04:58.440 --> 0:05:01.320 so there's no room for or mistake, there's no room 0:05:01.360 --> 0:05:04.240 for air. You might get sick, you might get injured, 0:05:04.279 --> 0:05:06.920 like if you have a bad sleep the night before, Like, 0:05:06.960 --> 0:05:10.800 there's so many variables that could impact these singular eight 0:05:10.960 --> 0:05:15.480 days that you have to make an Olympic team. 0:05:15.560 --> 0:05:19.039 You had mentioned to me that you didn't feel the pressure, 0:05:19.200 --> 0:05:21.760 the weight of other people's expectations at this stage, and 0:05:21.800 --> 0:05:25.919 so was that partly why you were able to be 0:05:26.120 --> 0:05:28.640 cool and collected during those trials. 0:05:28.880 --> 0:05:30.800 I think a lot of it was just the. 0:05:32.320 --> 0:05:35.440 Fact that I was seventeen and I was naive, and 0:05:35.480 --> 0:05:39.240 that just absolutely played to my advantage of again, I 0:05:39.400 --> 0:05:41.039 was just out there doing what I loved. 0:05:42.000 --> 0:05:46.000 So, I mean, Missy, your performance in those games was 0:05:46.080 --> 0:05:50.080 just absolutely unreal. Do you mind sharing your accomplishments? 0:05:50.560 --> 0:05:54.799 So after Olympic trials, I had qualified for my first 0:05:54.800 --> 0:05:59.760 Olympic Games and seven events, and then actually arriving in London, 0:06:00.120 --> 0:06:02.360 being in the village and getting to walk onto the 0:06:02.360 --> 0:06:05.080 Olympic pool deck for the first time, all of it 0:06:05.120 --> 0:06:07.800 was just so surreal. I ended up walking away from 0:06:07.800 --> 0:06:11.599 those games with four gold medals, one bronze, and two 0:06:11.640 --> 0:06:12.400 world records. 0:06:16.279 --> 0:06:20.920 So astonishing to hear those words like I know that, 0:06:21.080 --> 0:06:23.560 I know that, but just to like hear that is insane. 0:06:23.600 --> 0:06:25.720 It's like oh yeah, I forgot about the bronze ones 0:06:25.760 --> 0:06:29.160 as well, and like the world records And is there 0:06:29.200 --> 0:06:33.440 any specific memory you have from those games and your celebrations. 0:06:33.800 --> 0:06:36.400 Yeah, oh my gosh, And it has nothing to do 0:06:36.440 --> 0:06:39.240 with a single one of those medals. The night that 0:06:39.279 --> 0:06:41.919 I had won my first gold medal, I was still 0:06:41.920 --> 0:06:45.400 writing such a high from that whole evening and just 0:06:45.680 --> 0:06:47.760 everything that came with it. And we were at the 0:06:47.800 --> 0:06:50.719 warm up pool in the village and I checked my 0:06:50.800 --> 0:06:55.080 phone and I had a tweet from Justin Bieber, and 0:06:55.600 --> 0:07:01.080 I lost my mind. Like if you can just imagine 0:07:01.120 --> 0:07:05.960 like seventeen year old Missy like running circles around the 0:07:05.960 --> 0:07:08.440 pool in the middle of the Olympic village, just like 0:07:08.640 --> 0:07:11.440 screaming like a little girl that she'd gotten a tweet 0:07:11.440 --> 0:07:14.280 from Justin Bieber. Like it just was like the perfect 0:07:14.960 --> 0:07:16.200 example of again. 0:07:16.320 --> 0:07:18.040 Yes, I was so happy to be there. 0:07:18.040 --> 0:07:20.320 I couldn't believe I was accomplishing those things, but I 0:07:20.440 --> 0:07:22.600 was also just a seventeen year old girl. 0:07:22.960 --> 0:07:25.880 Wow. So I want to talk about the aftermath of 0:07:25.920 --> 0:07:29.080 your success, because sometimes we don't pay enough attention to 0:07:29.120 --> 0:07:33.360 what follows these massive, epic, life changing wins. You know, 0:07:33.400 --> 0:07:36.840 you come back to the US and your four time 0:07:36.960 --> 0:07:41.560 gold medalist, Missy Franklin. You immediately go back to training 0:07:41.600 --> 0:07:46.280 and preparing for now the twenty sixteen Olympic Games. And 0:07:46.760 --> 0:07:49.480 as you started to train for those, you began to 0:07:49.560 --> 0:07:53.320 face some new challenges. Do you mind telling me a 0:07:53.360 --> 0:07:54.040 bit about those? 0:07:54.480 --> 0:07:56.040 Yeah, that's funnily enough. 0:07:56.080 --> 0:07:58.680 What a lot of people don't understand is that as 0:07:58.680 --> 0:08:00.960 soon as an Olympic Games is so, we might take 0:08:01.000 --> 0:08:03.600 a couple of weeks off, but the next summer for 0:08:03.680 --> 0:08:06.840 US is World Championships, and so we get right back 0:08:06.880 --> 0:08:09.600 into training because we have a really serious meet again 0:08:09.840 --> 0:08:13.840 next summer. And so I remember particularly coming back from 0:08:13.880 --> 0:08:18.600 London and thinking that I wanted to prove that I 0:08:18.720 --> 0:08:21.280 wasn't just a one hit wonder. That I wanted to 0:08:21.320 --> 0:08:25.240 go to Worlds in twenty thirteen and have an unbelievable 0:08:25.280 --> 0:08:28.080 performance almost to back London up in a way, to 0:08:28.160 --> 0:08:31.680 kind of prove that I can do this again. And 0:08:31.720 --> 0:08:35.040 so I worked so hard that year, which was my 0:08:35.120 --> 0:08:37.920 senior year of high school, ended up going to Worlds. 0:08:37.960 --> 0:08:41.320 I won six gold medals at World Championships, and it 0:08:41.440 --> 0:08:45.080 was just like again a dream experience. And then I 0:08:45.120 --> 0:08:47.920 went to college so I swam for two years at 0:08:47.960 --> 0:08:51.480 the University of California, Berkeley, and then I turned professional 0:08:51.640 --> 0:08:55.600 in twenty fifteen leading up to the twenty sixteen Olympic 0:08:55.640 --> 0:08:59.520 Games in Rio, and I would say that that was 0:08:59.559 --> 0:09:02.560 when they really changed for me. I was at that 0:09:02.640 --> 0:09:05.320 point twenty years old, so I was still very young, 0:09:05.800 --> 0:09:06.280 but I was. 0:09:06.240 --> 0:09:09.800 No longer naive. I was no longer a rookie. 0:09:09.840 --> 0:09:12.880 It's so hard getting to the top, but it's even 0:09:13.000 --> 0:09:17.760 harder staying there. And now I did have those expectations 0:09:17.840 --> 0:09:21.679 and that pressure, and then you add new sponsors on 0:09:21.760 --> 0:09:24.960 top of that, and swimming now becoming my job as 0:09:24.960 --> 0:09:28.920 opposed to just something that I love and enjoy. And 0:09:29.000 --> 0:09:33.240 I think that for me is what completely changed my mindset, 0:09:33.960 --> 0:09:39.280 and I lost all sense of balance during that time. 0:09:39.520 --> 0:09:41.840 I think I got in the mindset for Rio that 0:09:42.000 --> 0:09:44.400 in order for me to be the best I'd ever been, 0:09:45.040 --> 0:09:49.240 I needed to just commit and devote myself fully to 0:09:49.360 --> 0:09:49.920 my sport. 0:09:50.240 --> 0:09:52.240 I think for some athletes. 0:09:52.400 --> 0:09:56.480 It works to completely devote themselves to their sport and 0:09:56.600 --> 0:09:58.960 to not have balance in their life, just to be 0:09:59.160 --> 0:10:01.800 they live and they breathe their sport, and that is 0:10:01.840 --> 0:10:05.480 what works for them. I learned in that period that 0:10:05.480 --> 0:10:09.160 that is not something that worked for me. When swimming 0:10:09.240 --> 0:10:13.079 became my whole world, it also became my whole identity, 0:10:13.559 --> 0:10:18.240 and so bad practices, bad races I began equating with 0:10:18.679 --> 0:10:22.839 bad sense of self and self worth and self esteem, 0:10:23.200 --> 0:10:25.320 and so it was such a hard time for me. 0:10:25.360 --> 0:10:27.679 I was very, very lonely, and. 0:10:28.400 --> 0:10:30.800 I started to feel the world's pressure on me as 0:10:30.840 --> 0:10:33.679 well that not only was I expected to make the team, 0:10:33.880 --> 0:10:36.200 but I was expected to go back to Rio and 0:10:36.280 --> 0:10:39.000 have an even better performance there than I did in London. 0:10:40.559 --> 0:10:43.319 What was it now like day to day as your training? 0:10:43.640 --> 0:10:45.959 It was so hard for me, Maya, because there were 0:10:46.040 --> 0:10:49.680 days that I was so confused because I had never 0:10:49.760 --> 0:10:52.280 felt like this before. So there were mornings where my 0:10:52.360 --> 0:10:54.839 alarm would go off at four forty five. I'd be 0:10:54.880 --> 0:10:57.400 getting up on my way to practice, but I remember 0:10:57.520 --> 0:11:01.640 sitting behind the wheel just crying the entire way to 0:11:01.760 --> 0:11:04.560 practice and just knowing that I was going to go 0:11:04.720 --> 0:11:06.760 and that I was about to jump into a freezing 0:11:06.800 --> 0:11:09.640 cold pool and swim for two hours and be disappointed 0:11:09.679 --> 0:11:11.600 with how I did. But I was going to do 0:11:11.640 --> 0:11:14.120 it anyway because I felt like I had no choice. 0:11:15.080 --> 0:11:18.080 I've read that when people had asked young Missy, like 0:11:18.120 --> 0:11:20.640 seventeen year old Missy, what advice do you have for 0:11:20.800 --> 0:11:23.120 people who don't want to go to practice or are 0:11:23.160 --> 0:11:28.000 struggling with their motivation, you would cheepishly be like, I've 0:11:28.040 --> 0:11:30.760 never really had that problem. Yeah, I just love going 0:11:30.800 --> 0:11:34.000 to the pool, and I actually don't face those motivational 0:11:34.080 --> 0:11:36.680 challenges because this is the thing that I'm so passionate about. 0:11:37.480 --> 0:11:40.839 It was so funny to me that I was put 0:11:40.920 --> 0:11:44.199 in those situations, and I would always feel so horrible 0:11:44.679 --> 0:11:46.800 when I would have young athletes come up and ask 0:11:46.880 --> 0:11:49.440 what to do in periods of plateau or when they 0:11:49.480 --> 0:11:51.240 weren't feeling motivated. 0:11:51.240 --> 0:11:52.760 And I would have nothing to say. 0:11:53.000 --> 0:11:55.720 I had truly just always been so happy and enjoyed 0:11:55.760 --> 0:11:59.160 the sports so much. And the amount of other swimmers 0:11:59.240 --> 0:12:01.640 that would come up to me after they had gotten 0:12:01.640 --> 0:12:04.240 to know me that told me we thought it was 0:12:04.280 --> 0:12:06.720 an act, Like we thought that it was all for 0:12:06.800 --> 0:12:09.560 the media, that it was all like that you just 0:12:09.640 --> 0:12:12.439 love like we didn't believe that someone could actually love 0:12:12.520 --> 0:12:14.880 this sport that much. And now that we know you, 0:12:15.520 --> 0:12:18.480 we see that it's real and it's authentic and you 0:12:18.840 --> 0:12:21.679 actually love swimming as much as you say you do 0:12:21.840 --> 0:12:22.240 with that. 0:12:22.600 --> 0:12:25.840 And that completely disappeared. Leading up to Rio. 0:12:25.960 --> 0:12:30.120 I think I became so focused on the expectation and 0:12:30.160 --> 0:12:34.480 I put so much pressure on myself that swimming very 0:12:34.679 --> 0:12:37.760 very quickly became not fun for me. 0:12:38.440 --> 0:12:41.319 What was what was happening to your mental health around 0:12:41.360 --> 0:12:41.800 this time? 0:12:42.360 --> 0:12:45.720 So I don't think I really realized what was happening 0:12:46.520 --> 0:12:49.880 because I had never experienced anything like this, and so 0:12:50.720 --> 0:12:53.559 it was months and months and months before I think 0:12:53.640 --> 0:12:57.240 it finally hit me that this is something bigger, like 0:12:57.400 --> 0:13:00.680 something much deeper is going on here that I don't 0:13:00.679 --> 0:13:03.000 know how to name, I don't know how to diagnose. 0:13:03.160 --> 0:13:07.280 All I know is that I am deeply, deeply unhappy 0:13:07.520 --> 0:13:11.120 and feel very alone and very sad. And so it 0:13:11.200 --> 0:13:16.160 wasn't until I think around March or April of twenty sixteen, 0:13:16.320 --> 0:13:21.480 so that is I mean, months before, months before Olympic trials, 0:13:21.520 --> 0:13:25.199 where I finally called a meeting with my swim coach 0:13:25.240 --> 0:13:27.760 and my strength and conditioning coach and I just looked 0:13:27.760 --> 0:13:30.720 at them and I said, something is wrong, like something 0:13:30.800 --> 0:13:34.240 is very wrong. And I had been trying to push 0:13:34.240 --> 0:13:36.720 through it. I had been trying to pretend that it 0:13:36.760 --> 0:13:39.880 wasn't there. And that's why I'm not a fan of 0:13:39.920 --> 0:13:42.440 the phrase fake it till you make it, because I 0:13:42.480 --> 0:13:45.320 think that can lead to tendencies of repressing things as 0:13:45.320 --> 0:13:48.720 opposed to truly addressing them. And I was trying to 0:13:48.720 --> 0:13:50.680 fake it at practice. I was trying to fake it 0:13:50.720 --> 0:13:53.199 at competitions that I was confident, that I was calm, 0:13:53.280 --> 0:13:57.320 that everything was going to be okay, but my mind knew, 0:13:57.720 --> 0:14:00.760 and if your mind knows, your body knows. And I 0:14:00.880 --> 0:14:04.920 was just fighting it constantly, and the exhaustion was unlike 0:14:04.960 --> 0:14:07.360 anything I had ever felt before in my life, and 0:14:07.400 --> 0:14:10.520 of course that was inhibiting my performance. And so I 0:14:10.559 --> 0:14:13.280 sat down with them and they immediately got me into 0:14:13.320 --> 0:14:17.080 a primary care doctor, to a sports psychologist, and I 0:14:17.120 --> 0:14:22.680 got immediately diagnosed with depression, insomnia, anxiety, and an eating 0:14:22.760 --> 0:14:26.040 disorder as well, which was something that I knew I 0:14:26.080 --> 0:14:29.360 had been battling for several months, but to actually put 0:14:29.400 --> 0:14:33.320 a name to it, I think was really really tough, 0:14:33.560 --> 0:14:37.720 and it was so overwhelming, Maya, to get all of 0:14:37.720 --> 0:14:41.520 that at one time, and to think that I literally 0:14:41.560 --> 0:14:45.360 had months when people were expecting me to be the 0:14:45.360 --> 0:14:48.760 best I had ever been, and I had never felt 0:14:48.800 --> 0:14:50.320 further from that. 0:14:51.400 --> 0:14:54.280 I wonder was there ever a script that was playing 0:14:54.360 --> 0:14:58.360 in your mind or a certain kind of rumination pattern 0:14:58.400 --> 0:15:00.120 that you felt yourself falling into. 0:15:00.840 --> 0:15:03.520 Yeah, I mean I think that rumination and that pattern 0:15:03.800 --> 0:15:07.120 was just negative self talk. It kind of dawned on 0:15:07.240 --> 0:15:13.360 me that I hadn't said something kind to myself in months, 0:15:13.880 --> 0:15:17.760 that I hadn't said something encouraging to myself. And for 0:15:17.840 --> 0:15:21.760 those that know me, I am the most positive, optimistic 0:15:21.880 --> 0:15:26.760 person that you will ever meet. And that person was gone. 0:15:27.160 --> 0:15:32.200 And it's so crazy to think that she fully disappeared 0:15:32.400 --> 0:15:35.120 before I even realized she was fading. 0:15:35.440 --> 0:15:35.640 You know. 0:15:35.680 --> 0:15:38.200 It was just such a stark contrast. And I think 0:15:38.320 --> 0:15:42.080 it's that double edged sword of the elite athlete mentality 0:15:42.640 --> 0:15:45.760 of you just keep going and you just figure it out, 0:15:45.960 --> 0:15:48.920 like we're just we have that mindset to keep pushing 0:15:48.960 --> 0:15:50.320 and to keep moving forward. 0:15:50.960 --> 0:15:53.120 But when that comes to mental health. 0:15:52.920 --> 0:15:56.560 I think that that can be so damaging because if 0:15:56.560 --> 0:15:59.920 you're pushing through that and not addressing it, it's only 0:16:00.200 --> 0:16:03.120 going to get harder to deal with as time goes on. 0:16:03.320 --> 0:16:06.640 Because in my case, the problems were just getting more severe. 0:16:07.200 --> 0:16:09.280 And what kinds of things would you say to yourself. 0:16:09.680 --> 0:16:12.920 I think my berating of myself really came down to 0:16:13.600 --> 0:16:17.000 not believing I had any worth outside of what I 0:16:17.000 --> 0:16:20.440 could do in a pool. So if I wasn't capable 0:16:20.680 --> 0:16:25.080 of breaking world records and winning gold medals, why was 0:16:25.080 --> 0:16:28.200 I here? You know, what other purpose did I serve 0:16:28.640 --> 0:16:31.240 other than to do what I was put on this 0:16:31.280 --> 0:16:33.920 earth to do, which in my mind was to swim 0:16:34.080 --> 0:16:34.560 like that. 0:16:34.560 --> 0:16:35.080 That was it. 0:16:35.120 --> 0:16:37.120 That's all I had ever known since I was so young, 0:16:37.200 --> 0:16:39.720 and all I had ever known was that success. So 0:16:39.800 --> 0:16:43.880 I think it really just came down to not understanding 0:16:43.960 --> 0:16:45.840 or not knowing what my worth was. 0:16:46.280 --> 0:16:48.600 If it wasn't in the pool. 0:16:49.480 --> 0:16:52.840 What do you think gave rise to the eating disorder 0:16:52.960 --> 0:16:55.000 in particular? Tell me a bit more about that. 0:16:55.720 --> 0:16:59.400 So, I think, with my self worth being the lowest 0:16:59.400 --> 0:17:02.440 it had ever been in and again, feeling so out 0:17:02.440 --> 0:17:05.480 of control, I turned to the one thing I felt 0:17:05.560 --> 0:17:09.679 like I could control, which was my nutrition and my body. 0:17:10.160 --> 0:17:12.679 And so, of course it's a tough scenario as an 0:17:12.720 --> 0:17:16.040 adolescent female to be in anyway, right, being in a 0:17:16.080 --> 0:17:20.240 swimsuit in front of so many people and trying to 0:17:20.280 --> 0:17:22.520 deal with that. And I think when I was younger 0:17:22.560 --> 0:17:25.240 and growing up, I really had this respect for my 0:17:25.320 --> 0:17:29.280 body that I couldn't do what I did in the 0:17:29.320 --> 0:17:33.399 water without my body, without my broad shoulders, without being 0:17:33.440 --> 0:17:37.000 six ' to two, without having size twelve feet. It 0:17:37.240 --> 0:17:39.879 allowed me to accomplish the things that I accomplished, but 0:17:39.960 --> 0:17:44.160 then when I stopped accomplishing those, it was like, well, 0:17:44.200 --> 0:17:46.600 then what is this body worth. It's not helping me, 0:17:46.680 --> 0:17:49.359 it's not aiding me, So it doesn't have to be 0:17:49.560 --> 0:17:54.360 like this. So I got so restrictive in my intake calorically, 0:17:54.680 --> 0:17:57.480 and I think it had a huge impact on my performance. 0:17:58.040 --> 0:17:59.920 And here I am training. 0:17:59.720 --> 0:18:04.520 Two to four hours a day, eating barely enough calories. 0:18:04.720 --> 0:18:07.240 I mean, I don't know how I was doing it. 0:18:07.840 --> 0:18:11.040 And so all those diagnoses were just so hard because 0:18:11.720 --> 0:18:15.639 we didn't have time to go to the foundation and 0:18:15.680 --> 0:18:19.560 systemically fix the problem, like we were trying to put 0:18:19.600 --> 0:18:23.960 a band aid over a gaping wound that needed staples. 0:18:25.520 --> 0:18:29.960 You're a few months away from needing to compete in Rio, 0:18:30.320 --> 0:18:34.840 and not just compete, defend your titles, defend your your ranking, 0:18:34.960 --> 0:18:38.040 your reputation in the world of swimming. What did that 0:18:38.160 --> 0:18:39.600 version of bandating look like? 0:18:40.000 --> 0:18:40.480 Yeah? 0:18:40.520 --> 0:18:42.679 So, well, the other piece of all of this is 0:18:42.720 --> 0:18:46.920 that I actually did sustain a physical injury in April, 0:18:47.400 --> 0:18:51.840 So I injured my shoulder in April, and again that 0:18:52.000 --> 0:18:54.639 was something that we didn't have time to fix. And 0:18:54.720 --> 0:18:58.119 so at that point, I'm just distraught, like I'm now 0:18:58.320 --> 0:19:02.080 emotionally and physically so far away from where I need 0:19:02.119 --> 0:19:07.560 to be. So my band aid solution was immediately getting 0:19:07.600 --> 0:19:11.960 in with the sports psychologist, a nutritionist, and a physical therapist, 0:19:12.400 --> 0:19:16.320 and those three were there to just do what they could. 0:19:16.520 --> 0:19:19.800 Before Olympic trials, we had, you know, eight to twelve 0:19:19.880 --> 0:19:21.960 weeks of time to work with to try and get 0:19:21.960 --> 0:19:24.800 me in the best position possible. And I think we 0:19:24.840 --> 0:19:27.680 all knew going into it that I was nowhere near 0:19:27.960 --> 0:19:30.439 one hundred percent, but I was at the percentage I 0:19:30.520 --> 0:19:32.560 was at, and that was all that I was going 0:19:32.600 --> 0:19:35.720 to have to give. And I remember going into Olympic 0:19:35.760 --> 0:19:38.880 Trials just being absolutely terrified. 0:19:40.200 --> 0:19:43.560 Did you find yourself having to do some of these hacky, 0:19:43.720 --> 0:19:46.000 fake it till you make it type strategies just to 0:19:46.000 --> 0:19:47.200 get by during that time? 0:19:47.359 --> 0:19:47.560 Yes? 0:19:47.720 --> 0:19:48.720 And what did that look like? 0:19:49.280 --> 0:19:52.720 It was just the big old miss you smile. And 0:19:52.840 --> 0:19:54.560 it was the first time in my life that it 0:19:54.600 --> 0:19:57.679 wasn't genuine but I was trying to put that smile 0:19:57.760 --> 0:20:00.679 on for everyone else. I was trying to be that happy, 0:20:00.840 --> 0:20:03.760 bubbly seventeen year old that they all remembered and were 0:20:03.840 --> 0:20:07.400 expecting me to be, even though I had probably never 0:20:07.520 --> 0:20:10.440 felt further from her in my life. 0:20:10.560 --> 0:20:13.640 And I just didn't want to let people down. 0:20:15.119 --> 0:20:18.760 And so I remember going into trials not out of 0:20:18.880 --> 0:20:22.040 joy or excitement and love for the sport, but just 0:20:22.080 --> 0:20:25.320 being absolutely terrified that I wasn't going to do what 0:20:25.520 --> 0:20:26.320 was expected of me. 0:20:27.640 --> 0:20:28.720 And how did the trials go? 0:20:29.359 --> 0:20:33.480 Yeah, so definitely off to a rocky start for trials 0:20:33.520 --> 0:20:36.159 for Rio. I failed to make the team in the 0:20:36.200 --> 0:20:38.840 event that I was the reigning Olympic champion in from 0:20:38.880 --> 0:20:43.400 twenty twelve, and not even that, I mean I got seventh, 0:20:43.600 --> 0:20:45.480 so there's only eight people in a heat, so I 0:20:45.560 --> 0:20:46.480 almost got dead. 0:20:46.359 --> 0:20:47.240 Last in my heat. 0:20:47.760 --> 0:20:49.800 And I remember going back to my hotel room that 0:20:49.920 --> 0:20:54.520 night and sobbing, like just absolu, like I felt embarrassed, 0:20:54.600 --> 0:20:57.560 like I felt ashamed. I was just holding so much, 0:20:58.320 --> 0:21:00.520 and I kind of just gave myself talk in the 0:21:00.560 --> 0:21:03.879 hotel room of you know, you can pack up and 0:21:03.960 --> 0:21:06.200 leave right now, like you can get on a flight 0:21:06.280 --> 0:21:09.600 and you can go home, but you will never forgive 0:21:09.600 --> 0:21:12.840 yourself like you can do that. Or you can go 0:21:12.920 --> 0:21:15.199 out and you can finish this swim meet, and it 0:21:15.280 --> 0:21:18.320 may continue to be embarrassing. You may not make this 0:21:18.359 --> 0:21:21.800 Olympic team. You may be more heartbroken and disappointed than 0:21:21.840 --> 0:21:24.800 you've ever been, but it would be nothing compared to 0:21:24.880 --> 0:21:25.760 if you didn't try. 0:21:29.160 --> 0:21:31.320 We'll be back in a moment with a slight change 0:21:31.359 --> 0:21:47.920 of plans. Despite a disappointing performance at the twenty sixteen 0:21:47.920 --> 0:21:52.240 Olympic Trials, Missy still qualified to compete for the US. 0:21:52.800 --> 0:21:56.360 She would swim in three events in Rio. The night 0:21:56.359 --> 0:21:59.719 before her first event, Missy and her teammates celebrated at 0:21:59.720 --> 0:22:03.080 the opening ceremony, but when she returned back to her 0:22:03.160 --> 0:22:05.880 room in the Olympic village, she was hit with an 0:22:05.920 --> 0:22:07.480 overwhelming sense of dread. 0:22:08.200 --> 0:22:12.400 I remember calling my parents the night before the meat started, 0:22:13.000 --> 0:22:15.479 and I was crying so hard I could barely breathe. 0:22:15.920 --> 0:22:20.040 I remember my dad, in particular, just repeating over and 0:22:20.080 --> 0:22:23.520 over again. He was like, honey, it is just a 0:22:23.680 --> 0:22:27.080