1 00:00:02,200 --> 00:00:06,080 Speaker 1: Hey, slight changers. This summer, Pushkin is going to the Olympics. 2 00:00:06,760 --> 00:00:09,560 Speaker 1: Our friends across the Pushkin network are sharing all sorts 3 00:00:09,560 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: of stories about one of the world's biggest sporting events. 4 00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:15,800 Speaker 1: They're talking to a coach who counsels all the Olympic coaches. 5 00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:19,400 Speaker 1: They're diving deep into the latest sports science, and they're 6 00:00:19,440 --> 00:00:22,599 Speaker 1: sharing the origin story of brands like Puma and Adidas. 7 00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:25,680 Speaker 1: Here at a slight change of plans. For the next 8 00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:28,000 Speaker 1: few weeks, we're going to be hearing from three Olympic 9 00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:32,559 Speaker 1: swimmers about how they handled some fascinating life transitions. I 10 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:35,120 Speaker 1: really think you'll love this series. I hope you enjoy 11 00:00:35,159 --> 00:00:42,280 Speaker 1: it Pushkin. 12 00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:59,880 Speaker 2: I remember sitting behind the wheel just crying the entire 13 00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:03,560 Speaker 2: way to practice and just knowing that I was gonna go, 14 00:01:03,720 --> 00:01:05,600 Speaker 2: and that I was about to jump into a freezing 15 00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:08,479 Speaker 2: cold pool and swim for two hours and be disappointed 16 00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:09,120 Speaker 2: with how I did. 17 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:14,000 Speaker 1: Swimmer Missy Franklin won four Olympic gold medals as a teenager, 18 00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:17,559 Speaker 1: but as she trained for her second Olympics, she found 19 00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:22,600 Speaker 1: herself unexpectedly struggling with so much to defend. The pool 20 00:01:22,720 --> 00:01:24,679 Speaker 1: suddenly felt like a pressure cooker. 21 00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:27,640 Speaker 2: This is not just a swim mate. This is who 22 00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:31,320 Speaker 2: I am. And if I don't do this, why am 23 00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:33,600 Speaker 2: I here? What is my worth? I have none if 24 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:34,960 Speaker 2: I can't do this and do it well. 25 00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:42,680 Speaker 1: On today's episode, when the loss of an identity threatens 26 00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:47,520 Speaker 1: your self worth, I'm maya Shunker and this is a 27 00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:50,360 Speaker 1: slight change of plans, a show about who we are 28 00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:58,560 Speaker 1: and who we become in the face of a big change. 29 00:02:05,240 --> 00:02:09,040 Speaker 1: At just seventeen years old, Missy Franklin was laser focused 30 00:02:09,040 --> 00:02:12,600 Speaker 1: on qualifying for the twenty twelve Olympics in London. This 31 00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:16,000 Speaker 1: dream was years in the making. From the time Missy 32 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:18,520 Speaker 1: was a little kid, swimming had been at the center 33 00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:19,160 Speaker 1: of her life. 34 00:02:19,919 --> 00:02:22,640 Speaker 2: I got into the water because my mom never learned 35 00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:24,760 Speaker 2: how to swim, and she didn't want to pass that 36 00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:27,360 Speaker 2: fear down on to me, and she signed us up 37 00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:29,800 Speaker 2: for a mommy and me class at our local YMCA 38 00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:32,600 Speaker 2: when I was six months old, and I was that 39 00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:35,560 Speaker 2: baby that was getting dunked under and coming back up, 40 00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:39,360 Speaker 2: just laughing and loving every second of it. And so 41 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:44,359 Speaker 2: even though to some it seems crazy to be training 42 00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:47,880 Speaker 2: for an Olympics at seventeen, to me, I was just 43 00:02:47,919 --> 00:02:50,560 Speaker 2: doing what I loved every single day, and there was 44 00:02:50,639 --> 00:02:53,720 Speaker 2: hard work, but I never saw anything I did as 45 00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:57,120 Speaker 2: sacrifice because it was my goal and it was my dream. 46 00:02:57,720 --> 00:03:01,240 Speaker 2: I wasn't concerned about other people's expectations. I wasn't concerned 47 00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:04,519 Speaker 2: about what other people wanted me to achieve. I had 48 00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:06,840 Speaker 2: my own dreams, my own goals, and I was focused 49 00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:09,720 Speaker 2: on those. So in twenty twelve, that's just what I 50 00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:11,240 Speaker 2: was working towards every single day. 51 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:15,480 Speaker 1: You mentioned that you never thought of your commitment as 52 00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:18,600 Speaker 1: sacrifice because you loved it so much. Share a bit 53 00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:20,799 Speaker 1: more about what that commitment looked like. What was your 54 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:23,320 Speaker 1: everyday life like in the lead up to twenty twelve. 55 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:27,680 Speaker 2: We'd practice Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, so that means swimming twice, 56 00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:29,920 Speaker 2: once in the morning, once in the afternoon, each for 57 00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:33,519 Speaker 2: about two hours, and then we'd have single swim sessions 58 00:03:33,639 --> 00:03:36,880 Speaker 2: on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. But I don't think people 59 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:41,000 Speaker 2: can sometimes totally comprehend the fact that it is a 60 00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:44,720 Speaker 2: twenty four to seven job because everything needs to be 61 00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:48,120 Speaker 2: supported by everything you're doing outside of that space as well. 62 00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:51,440 Speaker 2: So it's your sleep, it's your nutrition, it's your recovery. 63 00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:54,440 Speaker 2: And then also I was seventeen years old, right, So 64 00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:55,480 Speaker 2: I was going to high school. 65 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:57,200 Speaker 3: I was still in school every. 66 00:03:57,040 --> 00:04:00,680 Speaker 2: Single day, and then traveling and doing different promos for 67 00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:04,080 Speaker 2: the United States Olympic and Paralympic Committee and NBC and 68 00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:07,920 Speaker 2: traveling for different meats preparing leading up to that summer. 69 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:11,120 Speaker 2: But it sounds like a lot. It was also all 70 00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:14,320 Speaker 2: that I knew, So to me, that was just life. 71 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:18,880 Speaker 1: Yeah, tell me a bit more about where your head 72 00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:21,440 Speaker 1: was at as you were you were prepping for London, 73 00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:24,679 Speaker 1: and it's wow, like maybe these big dreams of mine 74 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:25,839 Speaker 1: can actually come true. 75 00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:30,120 Speaker 2: Yeah, so I think heading into London, my goal truly 76 00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:32,960 Speaker 2: was to make the team, like that was really all 77 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:35,200 Speaker 2: that I had set on myself. And if you talk 78 00:04:35,279 --> 00:04:39,280 Speaker 2: to any swimmer, they will tell you that Olympic trials 79 00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:43,240 Speaker 2: is infinitely more intense and more pressure filled than the 80 00:04:43,279 --> 00:04:48,120 Speaker 2: actual Olympics themselves, because once you made the team, you 81 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:50,839 Speaker 2: made it right, you're an Olympian, Like you get to 82 00:04:50,839 --> 00:04:53,279 Speaker 2: be an Olympian for the rest of your life. But 83 00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:58,360 Speaker 2: our races come down to hundreds of a second, and 84 00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:01,320 Speaker 2: so there's no room for or mistake, there's no room 85 00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:04,240 Speaker 2: for air. You might get sick, you might get injured, 86 00:05:04,279 --> 00:05:06,920 Speaker 2: like if you have a bad sleep the night before, Like, 87 00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:10,800 Speaker 2: there's so many variables that could impact these singular eight 88 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:15,480 Speaker 2: days that you have to make an Olympic team. 89 00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:19,039 Speaker 1: You had mentioned to me that you didn't feel the pressure, 90 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:21,760 Speaker 1: the weight of other people's expectations at this stage, and 91 00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:25,919 Speaker 1: so was that partly why you were able to be 92 00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:28,640 Speaker 1: cool and collected during those trials. 93 00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:30,800 Speaker 3: I think a lot of it was just the. 94 00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:35,440 Speaker 2: Fact that I was seventeen and I was naive, and 95 00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:39,240 Speaker 2: that just absolutely played to my advantage of again, I 96 00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:41,039 Speaker 2: was just out there doing what I loved. 97 00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:46,000 Speaker 1: So, I mean, Missy, your performance in those games was 98 00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:50,080 Speaker 1: just absolutely unreal. Do you mind sharing your accomplishments? 99 00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:54,799 Speaker 2: So after Olympic trials, I had qualified for my first 100 00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:59,760 Speaker 2: Olympic Games and seven events, and then actually arriving in London, 101 00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:02,360 Speaker 2: being in the village and getting to walk onto the 102 00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:05,080 Speaker 2: Olympic pool deck for the first time, all of it 103 00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:07,800 Speaker 2: was just so surreal. I ended up walking away from 104 00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:11,599 Speaker 2: those games with four gold medals, one bronze, and two 105 00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:12,400 Speaker 2: world records. 106 00:06:16,279 --> 00:06:20,920 Speaker 1: So astonishing to hear those words like I know that, 107 00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:23,560 Speaker 1: I know that, but just to like hear that is insane. 108 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:25,720 Speaker 1: It's like oh yeah, I forgot about the bronze ones 109 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:29,160 Speaker 1: as well, and like the world records And is there 110 00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:33,440 Speaker 1: any specific memory you have from those games and your celebrations. 111 00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:36,400 Speaker 2: Yeah, oh my gosh, And it has nothing to do 112 00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:39,240 Speaker 2: with a single one of those medals. The night that 113 00:06:39,279 --> 00:06:41,919 Speaker 2: I had won my first gold medal, I was still 114 00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:45,400 Speaker 2: writing such a high from that whole evening and just 115 00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:47,760 Speaker 2: everything that came with it. And we were at the 116 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:50,719 Speaker 2: warm up pool in the village and I checked my 117 00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:55,080 Speaker 2: phone and I had a tweet from Justin Bieber, and 118 00:06:55,600 --> 00:07:01,080 Speaker 2: I lost my mind. Like if you can just imagine 119 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:05,960 Speaker 2: like seventeen year old Missy like running circles around the 120 00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:08,440 Speaker 2: pool in the middle of the Olympic village, just like 121 00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:11,440 Speaker 2: screaming like a little girl that she'd gotten a tweet 122 00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:14,280 Speaker 2: from Justin Bieber. Like it just was like the perfect 123 00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:16,200 Speaker 2: example of again. 124 00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:18,040 Speaker 3: Yes, I was so happy to be there. 125 00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:20,320 Speaker 2: I couldn't believe I was accomplishing those things, but I 126 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,600 Speaker 2: was also just a seventeen year old girl. 127 00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:25,880 Speaker 1: Wow. So I want to talk about the aftermath of 128 00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:29,080 Speaker 1: your success, because sometimes we don't pay enough attention to 129 00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:33,360 Speaker 1: what follows these massive, epic, life changing wins. You know, 130 00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:36,840 Speaker 1: you come back to the US and your four time 131 00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:41,560 Speaker 1: gold medalist, Missy Franklin. You immediately go back to training 132 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:46,280 Speaker 1: and preparing for now the twenty sixteen Olympic Games. And 133 00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:49,480 Speaker 1: as you started to train for those, you began to 134 00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:53,320 Speaker 1: face some new challenges. Do you mind telling me a 135 00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:54,040 Speaker 1: bit about those? 136 00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:56,040 Speaker 3: Yeah, that's funnily enough. 137 00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:58,680 Speaker 2: What a lot of people don't understand is that as 138 00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:00,960 Speaker 2: soon as an Olympic Games is so, we might take 139 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:03,600 Speaker 2: a couple of weeks off, but the next summer for 140 00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:06,840 Speaker 2: US is World Championships, and so we get right back 141 00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:09,600 Speaker 2: into training because we have a really serious meet again 142 00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:13,840 Speaker 2: next summer. And so I remember particularly coming back from 143 00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:18,600 Speaker 2: London and thinking that I wanted to prove that I 144 00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:21,280 Speaker 2: wasn't just a one hit wonder. That I wanted to 145 00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:25,240 Speaker 2: go to Worlds in twenty thirteen and have an unbelievable 146 00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:28,080 Speaker 2: performance almost to back London up in a way, to 147 00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:31,680 Speaker 2: kind of prove that I can do this again. And 148 00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:35,040 Speaker 2: so I worked so hard that year, which was my 149 00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:37,920 Speaker 2: senior year of high school, ended up going to Worlds. 150 00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:41,320 Speaker 2: I won six gold medals at World Championships, and it 151 00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:45,080 Speaker 2: was just like again a dream experience. And then I 152 00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:47,920 Speaker 2: went to college so I swam for two years at 153 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:51,480 Speaker 2: the University of California, Berkeley, and then I turned professional 154 00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:55,600 Speaker 2: in twenty fifteen leading up to the twenty sixteen Olympic 155 00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:59,520 Speaker 2: Games in Rio, and I would say that that was 156 00:08:59,559 --> 00:09:02,560 Speaker 2: when they really changed for me. I was at that 157 00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:05,320 Speaker 2: point twenty years old, so I was still very young, 158 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:06,280 Speaker 2: but I was. 159 00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:09,800 Speaker 3: No longer naive. I was no longer a rookie. 160 00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:12,880 Speaker 2: It's so hard getting to the top, but it's even 161 00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:17,760 Speaker 2: harder staying there. And now I did have those expectations 162 00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:21,679 Speaker 2: and that pressure, and then you add new sponsors on 163 00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:24,960 Speaker 2: top of that, and swimming now becoming my job as 164 00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:28,920 Speaker 2: opposed to just something that I love and enjoy. And 165 00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:33,240 Speaker 2: I think that for me is what completely changed my mindset, 166 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:39,280 Speaker 2: and I lost all sense of balance during that time. 167 00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:41,840 Speaker 2: I think I got in the mindset for Rio that 168 00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:44,400 Speaker 2: in order for me to be the best I'd ever been, 169 00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:49,240 Speaker 2: I needed to just commit and devote myself fully to 170 00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:49,920 Speaker 2: my sport. 171 00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:52,240 Speaker 3: I think for some athletes. 172 00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:56,480 Speaker 2: It works to completely devote themselves to their sport and 173 00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:58,960 Speaker 2: to not have balance in their life, just to be 174 00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:01,800 Speaker 2: they live and they breathe their sport, and that is 175 00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:05,480 Speaker 2: what works for them. I learned in that period that 176 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:09,160 Speaker 2: that is not something that worked for me. When swimming 177 00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:13,079 Speaker 2: became my whole world, it also became my whole identity, 178 00:10:13,559 --> 00:10:18,240 Speaker 2: and so bad practices, bad races I began equating with 179 00:10:18,679 --> 00:10:22,839 Speaker 2: bad sense of self and self worth and self esteem, 180 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:25,320 Speaker 2: and so it was such a hard time for me. 181 00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:27,679 Speaker 3: I was very, very lonely, and. 182 00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:30,800 Speaker 2: I started to feel the world's pressure on me as 183 00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:33,679 Speaker 2: well that not only was I expected to make the team, 184 00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:36,200 Speaker 2: but I was expected to go back to Rio and 185 00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:39,000 Speaker 2: have an even better performance there than I did in London. 186 00:10:40,559 --> 00:10:43,319 Speaker 1: What was it now like day to day as your training? 187 00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:45,959 Speaker 2: It was so hard for me, Maya, because there were 188 00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:49,680 Speaker 2: days that I was so confused because I had never 189 00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:52,280 Speaker 2: felt like this before. So there were mornings where my 190 00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:54,839 Speaker 2: alarm would go off at four forty five. I'd be 191 00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:57,400 Speaker 2: getting up on my way to practice, but I remember 192 00:10:57,520 --> 00:11:01,640 Speaker 2: sitting behind the wheel just crying the entire way to 193 00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:04,560 Speaker 2: practice and just knowing that I was going to go 194 00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:06,760 Speaker 2: and that I was about to jump into a freezing 195 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:09,640 Speaker 2: cold pool and swim for two hours and be disappointed 196 00:11:09,679 --> 00:11:11,600 Speaker 2: with how I did. But I was going to do 197 00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:14,120 Speaker 2: it anyway because I felt like I had no choice. 198 00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:18,080 Speaker 1: I've read that when people had asked young Missy, like 199 00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:20,640 Speaker 1: seventeen year old Missy, what advice do you have for 200 00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:23,120 Speaker 1: people who don't want to go to practice or are 201 00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:28,000 Speaker 1: struggling with their motivation, you would cheepishly be like, I've 202 00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:30,760 Speaker 1: never really had that problem. Yeah, I just love going 203 00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:34,000 Speaker 1: to the pool, and I actually don't face those motivational 204 00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:36,680 Speaker 1: challenges because this is the thing that I'm so passionate about. 205 00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:40,839 Speaker 2: It was so funny to me that I was put 206 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:44,199 Speaker 2: in those situations, and I would always feel so horrible 207 00:11:44,679 --> 00:11:46,800 Speaker 2: when I would have young athletes come up and ask 208 00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:49,440 Speaker 2: what to do in periods of plateau or when they 209 00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:51,240 Speaker 2: weren't feeling motivated. 210 00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:52,760 Speaker 3: And I would have nothing to say. 211 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,720 Speaker 2: I had truly just always been so happy and enjoyed 212 00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:59,160 Speaker 2: the sports so much. And the amount of other swimmers 213 00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:01,640 Speaker 2: that would come up to me after they had gotten 214 00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:04,240 Speaker 2: to know me that told me we thought it was 215 00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:06,720 Speaker 2: an act, Like we thought that it was all for 216 00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:09,560 Speaker 2: the media, that it was all like that you just 217 00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:12,439 Speaker 2: love like we didn't believe that someone could actually love 218 00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:14,880 Speaker 2: this sport that much. And now that we know you, 219 00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:18,480 Speaker 2: we see that it's real and it's authentic and you 220 00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:21,679 Speaker 2: actually love swimming as much as you say you do 221 00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:22,240 Speaker 2: with that. 222 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:25,840 Speaker 3: And that completely disappeared. Leading up to Rio. 223 00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:30,120 Speaker 2: I think I became so focused on the expectation and 224 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:34,480 Speaker 2: I put so much pressure on myself that swimming very 225 00:12:34,679 --> 00:12:37,760 Speaker 2: very quickly became not fun for me. 226 00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:41,319 Speaker 1: What was what was happening to your mental health around 227 00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:41,800 Speaker 1: this time? 228 00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:45,720 Speaker 2: So I don't think I really realized what was happening 229 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:49,880 Speaker 2: because I had never experienced anything like this, and so 230 00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:53,559 Speaker 2: it was months and months and months before I think 231 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:57,240 Speaker 2: it finally hit me that this is something bigger, like 232 00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:00,680 Speaker 2: something much deeper is going on here that I don't 233 00:13:00,679 --> 00:13:03,000 Speaker 2: know how to name, I don't know how to diagnose. 234 00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:07,280 Speaker 2: All I know is that I am deeply, deeply unhappy 235 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:11,120 Speaker 2: and feel very alone and very sad. And so it 236 00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:16,160 Speaker 2: wasn't until I think around March or April of twenty sixteen, 237 00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:21,480 Speaker 2: so that is I mean, months before, months before Olympic trials, 238 00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:25,199 Speaker 2: where I finally called a meeting with my swim coach 239 00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:27,760 Speaker 2: and my strength and conditioning coach and I just looked 240 00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:30,720 Speaker 2: at them and I said, something is wrong, like something 241 00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:34,240 Speaker 2: is very wrong. And I had been trying to push 242 00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:36,720 Speaker 2: through it. I had been trying to pretend that it 243 00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:39,880 Speaker 2: wasn't there. And that's why I'm not a fan of 244 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:42,440 Speaker 2: the phrase fake it till you make it, because I 245 00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:45,320 Speaker 2: think that can lead to tendencies of repressing things as 246 00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:48,720 Speaker 2: opposed to truly addressing them. And I was trying to 247 00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:50,680 Speaker 2: fake it at practice. I was trying to fake it 248 00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:53,199 Speaker 2: at competitions that I was confident, that I was calm, 249 00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:57,320 Speaker 2: that everything was going to be okay, but my mind knew, 250 00:13:57,720 --> 00:14:00,760 Speaker 2: and if your mind knows, your body knows. And I 251 00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:04,920 Speaker 2: was just fighting it constantly, and the exhaustion was unlike 252 00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:07,360 Speaker 2: anything I had ever felt before in my life, and 253 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:10,520 Speaker 2: of course that was inhibiting my performance. And so I 254 00:14:10,559 --> 00:14:13,280 Speaker 2: sat down with them and they immediately got me into 255 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:17,080 Speaker 2: a primary care doctor, to a sports psychologist, and I 256 00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:22,680 Speaker 2: got immediately diagnosed with depression, insomnia, anxiety, and an eating 257 00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:26,040 Speaker 2: disorder as well, which was something that I knew I 258 00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:29,360 Speaker 2: had been battling for several months, but to actually put 259 00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:33,320 Speaker 2: a name to it, I think was really really tough, 260 00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:37,720 Speaker 2: and it was so overwhelming, Maya, to get all of 261 00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:41,520 Speaker 2: that at one time, and to think that I literally 262 00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:45,360 Speaker 2: had months when people were expecting me to be the 263 00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:48,760 Speaker 2: best I had ever been, and I had never felt 264 00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:50,320 Speaker 2: further from that. 265 00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:54,280 Speaker 1: I wonder was there ever a script that was playing 266 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:58,360 Speaker 1: in your mind or a certain kind of rumination pattern 267 00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:00,120 Speaker 1: that you felt yourself falling into. 268 00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:03,520 Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean I think that rumination and that pattern 269 00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:07,120 Speaker 2: was just negative self talk. It kind of dawned on 270 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:13,360 Speaker 2: me that I hadn't said something kind to myself in months, 271 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:17,760 Speaker 2: that I hadn't said something encouraging to myself. And for 272 00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:21,760 Speaker 2: those that know me, I am the most positive, optimistic 273 00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:26,760 Speaker 2: person that you will ever meet. And that person was gone. 274 00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:32,200 Speaker 2: And it's so crazy to think that she fully disappeared 275 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:35,120 Speaker 2: before I even realized she was fading. 276 00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:35,640 Speaker 3: You know. 277 00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:38,200 Speaker 2: It was just such a stark contrast. And I think 278 00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:42,080 Speaker 2: it's that double edged sword of the elite athlete mentality 279 00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:45,760 Speaker 2: of you just keep going and you just figure it out, 280 00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:48,920 Speaker 2: like we're just we have that mindset to keep pushing 281 00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,320 Speaker 2: and to keep moving forward. 282 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:53,120 Speaker 3: But when that comes to mental health. 283 00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:56,560 Speaker 2: I think that that can be so damaging because if 284 00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:59,920 Speaker 2: you're pushing through that and not addressing it, it's only 285 00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:03,120 Speaker 2: going to get harder to deal with as time goes on. 286 00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:06,640 Speaker 2: Because in my case, the problems were just getting more severe. 287 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,280 Speaker 1: And what kinds of things would you say to yourself. 288 00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:12,920 Speaker 2: I think my berating of myself really came down to 289 00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:17,000 Speaker 2: not believing I had any worth outside of what I 290 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:20,440 Speaker 2: could do in a pool. So if I wasn't capable 291 00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:25,080 Speaker 2: of breaking world records and winning gold medals, why was 292 00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:28,200 Speaker 2: I here? You know, what other purpose did I serve 293 00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:31,240 Speaker 2: other than to do what I was put on this 294 00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:33,920 Speaker 2: earth to do, which in my mind was to swim 295 00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:34,560 Speaker 2: like that. 296 00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:35,080 Speaker 3: That was it. 297 00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:37,120 Speaker 2: That's all I had ever known since I was so young, 298 00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:39,720 Speaker 2: and all I had ever known was that success. So 299 00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:43,880 Speaker 2: I think it really just came down to not understanding 300 00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:45,840 Speaker 2: or not knowing what my worth was. 301 00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:48,600 Speaker 3: If it wasn't in the pool. 302 00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:52,840 Speaker 1: What do you think gave rise to the eating disorder 303 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,000 Speaker 1: in particular? Tell me a bit more about that. 304 00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:59,400 Speaker 2: So, I think, with my self worth being the lowest 305 00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:02,440 Speaker 2: it had ever been in and again, feeling so out 306 00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:05,480 Speaker 2: of control, I turned to the one thing I felt 307 00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:09,679 Speaker 2: like I could control, which was my nutrition and my body. 308 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:12,679 Speaker 2: And so, of course it's a tough scenario as an 309 00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:16,040 Speaker 2: adolescent female to be in anyway, right, being in a 310 00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:20,240 Speaker 2: swimsuit in front of so many people and trying to 311 00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:22,520 Speaker 2: deal with that. And I think when I was younger 312 00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:25,240 Speaker 2: and growing up, I really had this respect for my 313 00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:29,280 Speaker 2: body that I couldn't do what I did in the 314 00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:33,399 Speaker 2: water without my body, without my broad shoulders, without being 315 00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:37,000 Speaker 2: six ' to two, without having size twelve feet. It 316 00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:39,879 Speaker 2: allowed me to accomplish the things that I accomplished, but 317 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:44,160 Speaker 2: then when I stopped accomplishing those, it was like, well, 318 00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:46,600 Speaker 2: then what is this body worth. It's not helping me, 319 00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:49,359 Speaker 2: it's not aiding me, So it doesn't have to be 320 00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:54,360 Speaker 2: like this. So I got so restrictive in my intake calorically, 321 00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:57,480 Speaker 2: and I think it had a huge impact on my performance. 322 00:17:58,040 --> 00:17:59,920 Speaker 3: And here I am training. 323 00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:04,520 Speaker 2: Two to four hours a day, eating barely enough calories. 324 00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:07,240 Speaker 2: I mean, I don't know how I was doing it. 325 00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:11,040 Speaker 2: And so all those diagnoses were just so hard because 326 00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:15,639 Speaker 2: we didn't have time to go to the foundation and 327 00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:19,560 Speaker 2: systemically fix the problem, like we were trying to put 328 00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:23,960 Speaker 2: a band aid over a gaping wound that needed staples. 329 00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:29,960 Speaker 1: You're a few months away from needing to compete in Rio, 330 00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:34,840 Speaker 1: and not just compete, defend your titles, defend your your ranking, 331 00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:38,040 Speaker 1: your reputation in the world of swimming. What did that 332 00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:39,600 Speaker 1: version of bandating look like? 333 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:40,480 Speaker 3: Yeah? 334 00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,679 Speaker 2: So, well, the other piece of all of this is 335 00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:46,920 Speaker 2: that I actually did sustain a physical injury in April, 336 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:51,840 Speaker 2: So I injured my shoulder in April, and again that 337 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:54,639 Speaker 2: was something that we didn't have time to fix. And 338 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:58,119 Speaker 2: so at that point, I'm just distraught, like I'm now 339 00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:02,080 Speaker 2: emotionally and physically so far away from where I need 340 00:19:02,119 --> 00:19:07,560 Speaker 2: to be. So my band aid solution was immediately getting 341 00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:11,960 Speaker 2: in with the sports psychologist, a nutritionist, and a physical therapist, 342 00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:16,320 Speaker 2: and those three were there to just do what they could. 343 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:19,800 Speaker 2: Before Olympic trials, we had, you know, eight to twelve 344 00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:21,960 Speaker 2: weeks of time to work with to try and get 345 00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:24,800 Speaker 2: me in the best position possible. And I think we 346 00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:27,680 Speaker 2: all knew going into it that I was nowhere near 347 00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:30,439 Speaker 2: one hundred percent, but I was at the percentage I 348 00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:32,560 Speaker 2: was at, and that was all that I was going 349 00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:35,720 Speaker 2: to have to give. And I remember going into Olympic 350 00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:38,880 Speaker 2: Trials just being absolutely terrified. 351 00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:43,560 Speaker 1: Did you find yourself having to do some of these hacky, 352 00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:46,000 Speaker 1: fake it till you make it type strategies just to 353 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:47,200 Speaker 1: get by during that time? 354 00:19:47,359 --> 00:19:47,560 Speaker 2: Yes? 355 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:48,720 Speaker 1: And what did that look like? 356 00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:52,720 Speaker 2: It was just the big old miss you smile. And 357 00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:54,560 Speaker 2: it was the first time in my life that it 358 00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:57,679 Speaker 2: wasn't genuine but I was trying to put that smile 359 00:19:57,760 --> 00:20:00,679 Speaker 2: on for everyone else. I was trying to be that happy, 360 00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:03,760 Speaker 2: bubbly seventeen year old that they all remembered and were 361 00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:07,400 Speaker 2: expecting me to be, even though I had probably never 362 00:20:07,520 --> 00:20:10,440 Speaker 2: felt further from her in my life. 363 00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:13,640 Speaker 3: And I just didn't want to let people down. 364 00:20:15,119 --> 00:20:18,760 Speaker 2: And so I remember going into trials not out of 365 00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:22,040 Speaker 2: joy or excitement and love for the sport, but just 366 00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:25,320 Speaker 2: being absolutely terrified that I wasn't going to do what 367 00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:26,320 Speaker 2: was expected of me. 368 00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:28,720 Speaker 1: And how did the trials go? 369 00:20:29,359 --> 00:20:33,480 Speaker 2: Yeah, so definitely off to a rocky start for trials 370 00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:36,159 Speaker 2: for Rio. I failed to make the team in the 371 00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:38,840 Speaker 2: event that I was the reigning Olympic champion in from 372 00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:43,400 Speaker 2: twenty twelve, and not even that, I mean I got seventh, 373 00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:45,480 Speaker 2: so there's only eight people in a heat, so I 374 00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:46,480 Speaker 2: almost got dead. 375 00:20:46,359 --> 00:20:47,240 Speaker 3: Last in my heat. 376 00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:49,800 Speaker 2: And I remember going back to my hotel room that 377 00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:54,520 Speaker 2: night and sobbing, like just absolu, like I felt embarrassed, 378 00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:57,560 Speaker 2: like I felt ashamed. I was just holding so much, 379 00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:00,520 Speaker 2: and I kind of just gave myself talk in the 380 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:03,879 Speaker 2: hotel room of you know, you can pack up and 381 00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:06,200 Speaker 2: leave right now, like you can get on a flight 382 00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:09,600 Speaker 2: and you can go home, but you will never forgive 383 00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:12,840 Speaker 2: yourself like you can do that. Or you can go 384 00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:15,199 Speaker 2: out and you can finish this swim meet, and it 385 00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:18,320 Speaker 2: may continue to be embarrassing. You may not make this 386 00:21:18,359 --> 00:21:21,800 Speaker 2: Olympic team. You may be more heartbroken and disappointed than 387 00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:24,800 Speaker 2: you've ever been, but it would be nothing compared to 388 00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:25,760 Speaker 2: if you didn't try. 389 00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:31,320 Speaker 1: We'll be back in a moment with a slight change 390 00:21:31,359 --> 00:21:47,920 Speaker 1: of plans. Despite a disappointing performance at the twenty sixteen 391 00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:52,240 Speaker 1: Olympic Trials, Missy still qualified to compete for the US. 392 00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:56,360 Speaker 1: She would swim in three events in Rio. The night 393 00:21:56,359 --> 00:21:59,719 Speaker 1: before her first event, Missy and her teammates celebrated at 394 00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:03,080 Speaker 1: the opening ceremony, but when she returned back to her 395 00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:05,880 Speaker 1: room in the Olympic village, she was hit with an 396 00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:07,480 Speaker 1: overwhelming sense of dread. 397 00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:12,400 Speaker 2: I remember calling my parents the night before the meat started, 398 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:15,479 Speaker 2: and I was crying so hard I could barely breathe. 399 00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:20,040 Speaker 2: I remember my dad, in particular, just repeating over and 400 00:22:20,080 --> 00:22:23,520 Speaker 2: over again. He was like, honey, it is just a 401 00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:27,080 Speaker 2: swim meat. It is just a swim meat. And I, like, 402 00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:31,840 Speaker 2: I just couldn't like comprehend what he was saying. And 403 00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:33,760 Speaker 2: I knew what he was trying to do, but in 404 00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:36,679 Speaker 2: my mind, like it was so much more than that. 405 00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:41,760 Speaker 1: What I'm hearing from you is that your dad's telling you, Missy, 406 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:44,720 Speaker 1: this is just a swim meet, and you're thinking, no, 407 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:48,720 Speaker 1: this is my opportunity to defend my existence on the 408 00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:49,399 Speaker 1: planet Earth. 409 00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:52,160 Speaker 2: Exactly. Yes, I'm like, this is not just a swim mate. 410 00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:55,480 Speaker 2: This is who I am. And if I don't do this, 411 00:22:56,359 --> 00:22:57,840 Speaker 2: why am I here? 412 00:22:57,960 --> 00:22:58,680 Speaker 3: What is my worth? 413 00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:00,719 Speaker 2: I have none if I can't do this and do 414 00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:04,440 Speaker 2: it well. And so the next eight days were so tough. 415 00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:07,439 Speaker 2: I didn't make the top eight in any of my 416 00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:11,600 Speaker 2: individual events. I swam on the morning prelims relay of 417 00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:14,520 Speaker 2: the eight hundred freestyle relay, and my time was not 418 00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:16,719 Speaker 2: fast enough to put me on the finals relay. 419 00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:18,040 Speaker 3: But the way that. 420 00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:21,240 Speaker 2: Swimming works is if you are a prelim swimmer on 421 00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:23,840 Speaker 2: a relay, even if you aren't in the group of 422 00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:28,080 Speaker 2: four that wins the medal in finals, you still get 423 00:23:28,119 --> 00:23:31,800 Speaker 2: that medal. So I still won a gold medal because 424 00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:35,280 Speaker 2: my amazing teammates were able to bring home the golds 425 00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:39,120 Speaker 2: in the eight hundred freestyle relay in Rio. I watched 426 00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:41,919 Speaker 2: them do it in a beam bag chair on TV 427 00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:45,760 Speaker 2: from the village, and that was how I won my 428 00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:49,879 Speaker 2: fifth gold medal. That whole competition for me, truly was 429 00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:50,919 Speaker 2: just survival. 430 00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:55,439 Speaker 1: I've looked back at footage and I've read interviews from 431 00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:59,480 Speaker 1: that time, and Missy, I feel like you could hold 432 00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:03,840 Speaker 1: a master class in the art of graciousness in face 433 00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:08,719 Speaker 1: of defeat and failure and lost. It was so inspiring 434 00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:13,440 Speaker 1: for me to see how you engaged with your teammates, 435 00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:16,520 Speaker 1: with the press, with everyone that week. I mean, like 436 00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:20,360 Speaker 1: we all aspire as human beings to act like that 437 00:24:21,359 --> 00:24:22,159 Speaker 1: when we lose. 438 00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:25,280 Speaker 3: That means so much to me. 439 00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:29,280 Speaker 2: Truly, that is the highest compliment I can I could 440 00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:32,480 Speaker 2: ever ask to receive, and that was what I decided 441 00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:36,320 Speaker 2: to do there is I realized very quickly that I 442 00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:38,399 Speaker 2: was not going to be an inspiration like I was 443 00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:41,240 Speaker 2: in London by winning gold medals and breaking world records. 444 00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:44,240 Speaker 2: I had always talked about the kind of person I 445 00:24:44,320 --> 00:24:47,639 Speaker 2: wanted to be in defeat, and now was my chance 446 00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:48,880 Speaker 2: to prove it and. 447 00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:50,880 Speaker 3: To actually be that person. 448 00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:54,680 Speaker 2: And if there was anything I could walk away being 449 00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:57,879 Speaker 2: proud of from those eight days, I wanted it to 450 00:24:57,920 --> 00:25:01,240 Speaker 2: be how I handled myself outside of the pool. 451 00:25:02,320 --> 00:25:05,240 Speaker 1: So you wrap up a very challenging week in Rio 452 00:25:05,359 --> 00:25:09,399 Speaker 1: and you fly home. What were the days and weeks 453 00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:10,080 Speaker 1: like after? 454 00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:13,200 Speaker 3: I mean, it's hard to put into words. 455 00:25:13,240 --> 00:25:17,320 Speaker 2: I was feeling so many different emotions and just ultimately 456 00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:22,199 Speaker 2: just sadness and disappointment. We got home, and we landed 457 00:25:22,200 --> 00:25:25,760 Speaker 2: back in the US and back in Colorado, and we 458 00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:28,919 Speaker 2: were driving home and as we pulled into my neighborhood 459 00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:31,879 Speaker 2: and pulled up to my house, all the kids of 460 00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:35,840 Speaker 2: the neighborhood were standing there with signs and they had 461 00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:38,480 Speaker 2: made cut out hearts and they had all written ways 462 00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:40,719 Speaker 2: that I had inspired them in Rio, and they had 463 00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:44,120 Speaker 2: put them all over my yard. And I remember just 464 00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:48,080 Speaker 2: like completely breaking down in that moment and realizing who 465 00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:51,679 Speaker 2: you are and what you do outside of the competition 466 00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:56,000 Speaker 2: space can actually have a significantly bigger impact than what 467 00:25:56,040 --> 00:26:00,000 Speaker 2: you do inside of it. And I think that was 468 00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:03,280 Speaker 2: step one of the healing process, because I don't think 469 00:26:03,359 --> 00:26:06,639 Speaker 2: I believed that at the time of myself, but just 470 00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:10,159 Speaker 2: to know that other people did, and to be surrounded 471 00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:13,760 Speaker 2: by that much love and grace and compassion was just like, 472 00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:18,199 Speaker 2: was so beautiful and so moving. I went back to 473 00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:24,479 Speaker 2: college I immediately got bilateral shoulder surgery and then started 474 00:26:24,480 --> 00:26:27,760 Speaker 2: working with a therapist, immediately started meeting once a week, 475 00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:31,919 Speaker 2: super regular in person. I wanted it to be true 476 00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:35,000 Speaker 2: therapy and not just sports psychology, because I knew that 477 00:26:35,119 --> 00:26:38,280 Speaker 2: my issues kind of stemmed deeper than just sports, and 478 00:26:38,320 --> 00:26:41,520 Speaker 2: how it had rooted into every aspect of my life. 479 00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:46,200 Speaker 1: And by the way, what an important realization to thank you? 480 00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:46,399 Speaker 2: You know? 481 00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:49,880 Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that reflects something like even symbolically, which 482 00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:54,200 Speaker 1: is so important, which is given again that your identity 483 00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:56,879 Speaker 1: had been so tether to being a swimmer. What that 484 00:26:57,000 --> 00:27:00,280 Speaker 1: tells me is that you were interested in treating not 485 00:27:00,359 --> 00:27:03,080 Speaker 1: just Missy the athlete for the sake of improved performance, 486 00:27:03,119 --> 00:27:04,120 Speaker 1: but Missy the person. 487 00:27:04,760 --> 00:27:06,119 Speaker 3: That's a beautiful way of putting it. 488 00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:07,840 Speaker 2: I don't think I've ever looked at it that way, 489 00:27:07,920 --> 00:27:11,520 Speaker 2: but I did understand that it was Missy the person 490 00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:15,720 Speaker 2: that was the most broken. And so it was a long, 491 00:27:15,840 --> 00:27:21,399 Speaker 2: long process. I, emotionally and mentally, over time, was able 492 00:27:21,520 --> 00:27:24,600 Speaker 2: to heal and learn and grow and get into a 493 00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:28,160 Speaker 2: place where, maybe for the first time in my life, 494 00:27:28,240 --> 00:27:30,439 Speaker 2: I understood that what I could do in a pool 495 00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:33,040 Speaker 2: has nothing to do with who I am as a 496 00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:35,439 Speaker 2: person and my self worth and my value and what 497 00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:38,480 Speaker 2: I have to offer, and I began to see myself 498 00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:41,960 Speaker 2: as more than just the swimmer and everything that came 499 00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:46,760 Speaker 2: along with that. And it was so incredibly freeing and 500 00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:53,199 Speaker 2: powerful to experience that. And then I dreamed of this amazing, epic, 501 00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:58,080 Speaker 2: incredible comeback, and unfortunately the physical injuries just wouldn't let 502 00:27:58,119 --> 00:28:00,879 Speaker 2: it it happen. Getting to that place from the mental 503 00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:05,000 Speaker 2: standpoint and then physically not being able to continue to 504 00:28:05,040 --> 00:28:07,600 Speaker 2: compete when I felt like I was ready, like I 505 00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:10,720 Speaker 2: could and like I wanted to was devastating. 506 00:28:11,600 --> 00:28:12,159 Speaker 4: Yeah. 507 00:28:12,400 --> 00:28:15,800 Speaker 1: Yeah, I can feel the intoxication of an epic comeback 508 00:28:15,880 --> 00:28:20,120 Speaker 1: and what a satisfying narrative that would be. How did 509 00:28:20,119 --> 00:28:23,040 Speaker 1: you handle the disappointment of because what I'm hearing from 510 00:28:23,080 --> 00:28:25,639 Speaker 1: you is that you put in all the mental labor 511 00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:28,880 Speaker 1: to get yourself back to a healthier place, but your 512 00:28:28,880 --> 00:28:33,800 Speaker 1: body wasn't cooperating right, Your shoulder injury was not improving, 513 00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:36,520 Speaker 1: And so how did you handle that frustration. 514 00:28:37,200 --> 00:28:38,600 Speaker 3: As an elite athlete? 515 00:28:39,040 --> 00:28:40,920 Speaker 2: And I just think as a person, I mean, you 516 00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:44,000 Speaker 2: don't even have to be an athlete when your body 517 00:28:44,760 --> 00:28:50,160 Speaker 2: is inhibiting you from doing something you feel trapped, you 518 00:28:50,200 --> 00:28:54,120 Speaker 2: feel angry, you feel frustrated, because in my mind, there 519 00:28:54,200 --> 00:28:58,160 Speaker 2: was nothing from a physical standpoint that I couldn't push through. 520 00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:01,760 Speaker 2: And I tried so hard and I did everything possible. 521 00:29:02,000 --> 00:29:05,280 Speaker 2: And it was a conversation that I had with my 522 00:29:05,920 --> 00:29:09,360 Speaker 2: now husband at the time, and he said, honey, I 523 00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:11,440 Speaker 2: want you to be able to throw our kids up 524 00:29:11,480 --> 00:29:14,200 Speaker 2: in the air one day without pain. Like That's what 525 00:29:14,360 --> 00:29:17,480 Speaker 2: he was thinking of, and he knew those were my 526 00:29:17,600 --> 00:29:21,640 Speaker 2: priorities as well. I truly just came to that realization 527 00:29:21,840 --> 00:29:25,320 Speaker 2: that even if I went through everything that my surgeons 528 00:29:25,560 --> 00:29:29,000 Speaker 2: were suggesting, I didn't think I was going to be 529 00:29:29,040 --> 00:29:31,280 Speaker 2: at the place I needed to be to compete at 530 00:29:31,280 --> 00:29:33,640 Speaker 2: my best and represent my country in a way that 531 00:29:33,680 --> 00:29:37,160 Speaker 2: I was truly proud of. Because I knew that if 532 00:29:37,200 --> 00:29:39,520 Speaker 2: I continued to go down this road, which was going 533 00:29:39,560 --> 00:29:44,239 Speaker 2: to be more surgeries, more recoveries, more intensity, with an 534 00:29:44,280 --> 00:29:47,800 Speaker 2: Olympics right around the corner, that I was going to 535 00:29:47,840 --> 00:29:51,200 Speaker 2: start to lose that mental and emotional. 536 00:29:50,680 --> 00:29:53,080 Speaker 3: State that I had worked so hard to gain. 537 00:29:54,240 --> 00:29:57,000 Speaker 1: Yeah, and catch me up on life today. I mean, 538 00:29:57,560 --> 00:30:00,840 Speaker 1: you have so many identities that you carry. You're a wife, 539 00:30:00,880 --> 00:30:04,520 Speaker 1: you're a mother, you're a podcaster, you're an advocate. What 540 00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:06,800 Speaker 1: is your relationship with swimming like today? 541 00:30:07,320 --> 00:30:10,080 Speaker 2: So I do have a beautiful relationship with swimming now, 542 00:30:10,160 --> 00:30:13,480 Speaker 2: which I'm very thankful for. I still work heavily with 543 00:30:13,520 --> 00:30:16,640 Speaker 2: the USA Swimming Foundation, which is the philanthropic side of 544 00:30:16,760 --> 00:30:20,720 Speaker 2: USA Swimming. So giving back to the sport is incredibly 545 00:30:20,760 --> 00:30:23,400 Speaker 2: important to me because it gave me so much, and 546 00:30:23,480 --> 00:30:26,200 Speaker 2: so being able to give back working with the Foundation 547 00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:30,280 Speaker 2: providing free and low costs from lessons to communities that 548 00:30:30,400 --> 00:30:32,800 Speaker 2: need is just a huge piece of what I do 549 00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:36,160 Speaker 2: to stay involved in the sport. I also recently started 550 00:30:36,160 --> 00:30:40,160 Speaker 2: a podcast with my Olympic teammate Katie Hoff, and we 551 00:30:40,760 --> 00:30:43,960 Speaker 2: are so thankful to be involved in the sport in 552 00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:47,400 Speaker 2: that way and to have these amazing conversations with not 553 00:30:47,600 --> 00:30:52,120 Speaker 2: just swimmers but athletes about the true, vulnerable moments of 554 00:30:52,160 --> 00:30:54,120 Speaker 2: what it is that we do and what we've learned 555 00:30:54,120 --> 00:30:56,280 Speaker 2: from it, and how we can share that with one 556 00:30:56,280 --> 00:30:59,240 Speaker 2: another to help each other grow. So that's been a 557 00:30:59,240 --> 00:31:03,120 Speaker 2: beautiful way to stay involved. And my coach would always 558 00:31:03,160 --> 00:31:05,960 Speaker 2: say that swimming is the only sport that will save 559 00:31:06,000 --> 00:31:07,880 Speaker 2: your life and that you can do for the rest 560 00:31:07,880 --> 00:31:12,600 Speaker 2: of your life. I just know it's just like a 561 00:31:12,760 --> 00:31:15,760 Speaker 2: very old friend. Even if I go a while without 562 00:31:15,800 --> 00:31:18,400 Speaker 2: talking to it, I know that the second I get 563 00:31:18,440 --> 00:31:20,240 Speaker 2: back in, it's going to be like no time at. 564 00:31:20,120 --> 00:31:20,800 Speaker 3: All has passed. 565 00:31:45,360 --> 00:31:48,040 Speaker 1: Hey, thanks so much for listening. If you want to 566 00:31:48,080 --> 00:31:50,960 Speaker 1: hear more conversations about what goes on inside the minds 567 00:31:51,000 --> 00:31:54,080 Speaker 1: of elite athletes, Missy has a podcast of her own 568 00:31:54,280 --> 00:31:57,680 Speaker 1: called Unfiltered Waters. We'll link to it in the show notes, 569 00:31:58,440 --> 00:32:01,800 Speaker 1: and next week join me for my conversation with Paralympic 570 00:32:01,840 --> 00:32:06,479 Speaker 1: gold medalist and US Navy veteran Brad Snyder. After a 571 00:32:06,520 --> 00:32:10,320 Speaker 1: bomb left him blind, Brad found healing in the swimming pool. 572 00:32:10,840 --> 00:32:14,080 Speaker 4: Getting into the pool was the first time I felt 573 00:32:14,480 --> 00:32:17,400 Speaker 4: like I could wrap my arms around normal. This was me. 574 00:32:17,600 --> 00:32:20,440 Speaker 4: I was free, and I felt there's a future here 575 00:32:20,480 --> 00:32:22,600 Speaker 4: and I'm going to find my way and it was 576 00:32:22,640 --> 00:32:24,400 Speaker 4: the beginning of a real, incredible journey. 577 00:32:25,320 --> 00:32:27,960 Speaker 1: As always, we'd be so grateful if you can follow 578 00:32:28,000 --> 00:32:30,720 Speaker 1: this show wherever you listen to podcasts and help spread 579 00:32:30,760 --> 00:32:33,880 Speaker 1: the word, whether it's leaving a review or telling a 580 00:32:33,920 --> 00:32:36,880 Speaker 1: friend about an episode you loved. It helps us keep 581 00:32:36,960 --> 00:32:39,640 Speaker 1: making this show for you. Thanks so much, and I'll 582 00:32:39,640 --> 00:32:53,120 Speaker 1: see you next week. A Slight Change of Plans is created, written, 583 00:32:53,200 --> 00:32:56,920 Speaker 1: and executive produced by me Maya Schunker. The Slight Change 584 00:32:56,960 --> 00:33:01,240 Speaker 1: family includes our showrunner Tyler Green, our senior editor Kate 585 00:33:01,280 --> 00:33:05,920 Speaker 1: Parkinson Morgan, our senior producer Trisha Bobita, and our engineer 586 00:33:06,080 --> 00:33:10,040 Speaker 1: Erica Huang. Luis Scara wrote our delightful theme song and 587 00:33:10,120 --> 00:33:13,640 Speaker 1: Ginger Smith helped arrange the vocals. A Slight Change of 588 00:33:13,640 --> 00:33:16,720 Speaker 1: Plans is a production of Pushkin Industries, so a big 589 00:33:16,720 --> 00:33:20,280 Speaker 1: thanks to everyone there, and of course a very special 590 00:33:20,320 --> 00:33:23,320 Speaker 1: thanks to Jimmy Leek. You can follow A Slight Change 591 00:33:23,360 --> 00:33:26,920 Speaker 1: of Plans on Instagram at doctor Maya Schunker. See you 592 00:33:26,960 --> 00:33:27,400 Speaker 1: next week.