1 00:00:01,120 --> 00:00:06,440 Speaker 1: Conversations on life, style, beauty and relationships. It's The Velvet's 2 00:00:06,480 --> 00:00:08,760 Speaker 1: Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson. 3 00:00:08,440 --> 00:00:11,760 Speaker 2: Feminist dating coach and a founder of Date Brazen. Lily 4 00:00:11,800 --> 00:00:15,640 Speaker 2: Womble is back. Hi Lily, Hi Kelly. I'm so glad 5 00:00:15,640 --> 00:00:18,320 Speaker 2: to have you back. I know your book is officially out. 6 00:00:18,520 --> 00:00:23,759 Speaker 2: Thank you. More pleasing She's born, She's. 7 00:00:22,360 --> 00:00:24,400 Speaker 3: Born in the world. It's been four years. 8 00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:27,440 Speaker 2: How did it feel to be the mother of a 9 00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:28,960 Speaker 2: book and have a book out there? 10 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:34,320 Speaker 3: Oh? My god? Well, I worry about her all the time. No, though, 11 00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:37,680 Speaker 3: that is more truth than I would like to. Yeah, admit, 12 00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:41,160 Speaker 3: but no, I'm just really grateful. I think that it's 13 00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:44,519 Speaker 3: been you know, writing a book with such a an 14 00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:49,279 Speaker 3: insular process, with my small team and my publisher who 15 00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:52,560 Speaker 3: were so great, Legacy Lit. But I was so grateful 16 00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:54,319 Speaker 3: that people are reading it and loving it, and it's 17 00:00:54,360 --> 00:00:59,400 Speaker 3: so gratifying to hear people's thoughts and affirmation that this 18 00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:02,279 Speaker 3: does resid and then it's fun and hilarious and like 19 00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:05,959 Speaker 3: a page turner. Like that's just makes me so so 20 00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:06,840 Speaker 3: freaking happy. 21 00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:10,280 Speaker 2: Well, I think everyone can relate to struggles and dating 22 00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:13,800 Speaker 2: right like that is a pretty common theme amongst all 23 00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:17,120 Speaker 2: of the conversations I have in my friend groups, at work, 24 00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:19,840 Speaker 2: just everywhere. And I know the last time you were 25 00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:22,840 Speaker 2: here we talked about your experience you were a matchmaker 26 00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:26,440 Speaker 2: for many years and then finding yourself still in toxic 27 00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:29,120 Speaker 2: situationships in your personal life, and you're like, wait, I 28 00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:31,080 Speaker 2: gotta get a hold of this. So can you kind 29 00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:33,560 Speaker 2: of catch the listeners up to date if they did 30 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:36,959 Speaker 2: not hear that podcast of just your story of getting 31 00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:41,000 Speaker 2: into being a dating coach by founding Date Brazen and 32 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,800 Speaker 2: then also finding the love of your life. 33 00:01:42,959 --> 00:01:45,960 Speaker 3: Oh my god, Yes, of course, So I loved our 34 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:49,720 Speaker 3: past episode and if anybody again hasn't listened, a little 35 00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:51,880 Speaker 3: bit of backstory for me. I grew up in the 36 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:56,200 Speaker 3: Deep South, where I saw that a woman's worth was 37 00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:59,160 Speaker 3: so deeply tied to her relationship status with assist gender 38 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:02,440 Speaker 3: man saw that coupled women were treated as a head 39 00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:06,960 Speaker 3: quote unquote of single women, and that I also was 40 00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:09,480 Speaker 3: labeled from a very young age is like too much, 41 00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:11,840 Speaker 3: you know, too sensitive to bossing two intents, which I 42 00:02:11,880 --> 00:02:15,119 Speaker 3: think so many women, especially from the South or more 43 00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:18,639 Speaker 3: conservative cultures, can relate to this idea of like having 44 00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:23,040 Speaker 3: me needs having a personality, having a lot of opinions 45 00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:25,800 Speaker 3: is not necessarily looked at as a positive thing if 46 00:02:25,840 --> 00:02:30,040 Speaker 3: you're a woman or a girl. And so I entered 47 00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:32,880 Speaker 3: my adulthood. I was I worked in the nonprofit world 48 00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:36,280 Speaker 3: for feminist nonprofits that were supporting the well being of 49 00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:40,880 Speaker 3: women and girls. And when I burnt out of nonprofit life, 50 00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:44,600 Speaker 3: I moved to New York. I was living my dreams 51 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:47,959 Speaker 3: of you know, trying to make it in theater and 52 00:02:48,639 --> 00:02:52,760 Speaker 3: auditioning and had fifty survival jobs. And one of those 53 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:56,480 Speaker 3: survival jobs ended up randomly being at a matchmaking firm. 54 00:02:56,960 --> 00:03:01,280 Speaker 3: So I, a friend of mine worked for them. They 55 00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:04,919 Speaker 3: were hiring more employees. I applied. I thought, that's hilarious. 56 00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:08,359 Speaker 3: I'm a late bloomer. I'm a late bloomer who's too much. 57 00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:11,480 Speaker 3: Who's I'm going to give dating advice? Lol? But I 58 00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:14,760 Speaker 3: realized in becoming a matchmaker and then becoming the third 59 00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:16,720 Speaker 3: most successful out of one hundred and sixty at that 60 00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:20,239 Speaker 3: firm over the next couple of years, is that dating 61 00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:22,160 Speaker 3: was a microcosm of our well being. It was a 62 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:25,840 Speaker 3: microcosm of every hope, joy, dream, fear, insecurity, desire that 63 00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:28,519 Speaker 3: we had. And so I could help women be well, 64 00:03:28,639 --> 00:03:30,920 Speaker 3: if I could help them with their dating lives. But 65 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:34,400 Speaker 3: the problem was that my dating life was a dumpster fire. 66 00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:38,040 Speaker 3: I was, as I mentioned, a late bloomer. I didn't 67 00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:40,080 Speaker 3: have sex until I was in my mid twenties. I 68 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:43,760 Speaker 3: felt eternally behind, and I landed in this really toxic 69 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:47,360 Speaker 3: relationship with somebody who was good on paper but didn't 70 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:50,240 Speaker 3: meet any of my needs. Yeah, and once I found 71 00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:54,440 Speaker 3: the courage after a lot longer than I wanted to 72 00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:56,600 Speaker 3: be in that relationship, I stayed for a lot longer 73 00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:58,960 Speaker 3: than I would have liked. I think because I was 74 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:02,160 Speaker 3: so scared that I was too much. I found the 75 00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:05,240 Speaker 3: courage to leave that person with the help of my therapist. 76 00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:06,920 Speaker 3: But then I was like, now, what, how do I 77 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:10,320 Speaker 3: never settle again? Because my therapist hasn't dated in thirty years, 78 00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:13,360 Speaker 3: she's been married for thirty years. My friends just tell 79 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:16,240 Speaker 3: me to swipe more good on another dating app. Matchmaking 80 00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:20,120 Speaker 3: is a first date level solution, and that's not going 81 00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:21,520 Speaker 3: to work. And I'm not going to use a dating 82 00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:23,080 Speaker 3: app all the time because I know that that's just 83 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:26,120 Speaker 3: a tool. It's a very flawed tool. So I started 84 00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:29,159 Speaker 3: building my own solution, and I started getting beneath the 85 00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:32,120 Speaker 3: surface of my checklist, the good on paper matches, and like, 86 00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:34,560 Speaker 3: how do I really want to feel with the right person? 87 00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:37,760 Speaker 3: What are my sence based preferences? And I learned the 88 00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:40,560 Speaker 3: skill of self compassion, and I became my first client, 89 00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:43,919 Speaker 3: and I then had fun in my dating life. I 90 00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:46,280 Speaker 3: felt free in my dating life, and I eventually met 91 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:49,560 Speaker 3: the love of my life through a strategy that I 92 00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:52,760 Speaker 3: now teach called joy building, where you literally just go 93 00:04:52,839 --> 00:04:55,920 Speaker 3: make new connections, expand your social circle, and ask people 94 00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:56,920 Speaker 3: to set you up. 95 00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:01,760 Speaker 2: And yeah, we are going to get into the details 96 00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:03,839 Speaker 2: of that because I think the listeners are probably going 97 00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:07,120 Speaker 2: to want to know exactly what your method is here. Yeah, 98 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:10,520 Speaker 2: that's what we all want, right this joy based dating 99 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:13,520 Speaker 2: and to have fun. I know so many of my friends, 100 00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:17,400 Speaker 2: the conversations that we have are just how terrible dating is, 101 00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:19,560 Speaker 2: and I think a lot of that is because of 102 00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:22,839 Speaker 2: the way our society is set up. You refer to 103 00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:25,880 Speaker 2: yourself as a feminist dating coach. Yeah, it's you know, 104 00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:28,719 Speaker 2: feminism is a real kind of trigger word for a 105 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:31,760 Speaker 2: lot of people these days. But explain to the listeners 106 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:34,960 Speaker 2: what you mean by being a feminist dating coach. 107 00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:39,479 Speaker 3: Yeah, so feminism to me, and the definition is the 108 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:42,320 Speaker 3: equality of all people, you know, and and there have 109 00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:45,520 Speaker 3: been a lot of systems and structures and rules put 110 00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:49,160 Speaker 3: in place that make it so that men have more 111 00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:52,080 Speaker 3: power than women. I mean, if we just look at uh, 112 00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:55,880 Speaker 3: the uh you know, the pay pay gap and uh 113 00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:59,400 Speaker 3: and so many other pointers towards the fact that our 114 00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:04,359 Speaker 3: world is not equal in any measure yet. And so 115 00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:07,920 Speaker 3: feminism is the equality of all people. Intersectional feminism is 116 00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:13,040 Speaker 3: a term coined by doctor Kimberly Crenshaw that simply means that, like, 117 00:06:13,279 --> 00:06:17,520 Speaker 3: everything is connected, and the way that we do one 118 00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:20,000 Speaker 3: thing is though we do everything. I think that different 119 00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:23,880 Speaker 3: forms of oppression like patriarchy that says men have power 120 00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:27,600 Speaker 3: women shouldn't have power, forms of oppression like white supremacy 121 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:32,040 Speaker 3: and homophobia, transphobia, they all work together to make our 122 00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:37,440 Speaker 3: culture very difficult, especially for people who hold marginalized identities. 123 00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:42,919 Speaker 3: And I, as a woman growing up in the world, 124 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:49,640 Speaker 3: saw how you know, this hot soup of culture led 125 00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:52,200 Speaker 3: to me shrinking all the time in my dating life, 126 00:06:52,279 --> 00:06:54,880 Speaker 3: right Like, I was afraid to ask for what I 127 00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:57,880 Speaker 3: wanted because I was afraid that I would rock the 128 00:06:57,880 --> 00:06:59,880 Speaker 3: boat or that a man would tell me no, or 129 00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:03,719 Speaker 3: that I would be shamed or blamed for wanting what 130 00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:06,640 Speaker 3: I wanted, which was true. I mean, like I experienced 131 00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:10,320 Speaker 3: dating men who were absolutely wrong for me, who made 132 00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:14,160 Speaker 3: me feel bad for wanting what I wanted, and I 133 00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:16,560 Speaker 3: would have no more of that, you know. So feminist 134 00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:19,640 Speaker 3: dating specifically is how can I give myself permission to 135 00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:22,280 Speaker 3: want what I want? How can I surround myself with 136 00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:25,440 Speaker 3: people who believe that I get to take up space, 137 00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:29,720 Speaker 3: who don't shame me for asking for what I want? 138 00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:32,840 Speaker 3: And how can I also empower other people to ask 139 00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:35,120 Speaker 3: for what they want? Right? That, Like, the way we 140 00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:36,720 Speaker 3: do one thing is the way we do everything. So 141 00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:39,040 Speaker 3: if I can help people take up more space with 142 00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:41,720 Speaker 3: their desires and their love life, then that gets to 143 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:44,880 Speaker 3: spread throughout their whole lives. So that's why I think 144 00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:49,560 Speaker 3: feminist dating is about agency. It's about it's about confidence 145 00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:52,000 Speaker 3: in who you are and what you desire. It's about 146 00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:57,080 Speaker 3: attracting an equal partner, whether you date men or women 147 00:07:57,400 --> 00:08:00,640 Speaker 3: or human beings, just attracting an equal partner is what 148 00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:05,400 Speaker 3: feminist dating is about. And it's about believing your worthiness 149 00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:09,320 Speaker 3: along the way instead of believing that you're behind for 150 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:10,280 Speaker 3: being single. 151 00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:13,440 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's so interesting for me. And I don't know 152 00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:15,720 Speaker 2: if you relate to this at all, but the full 153 00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:19,600 Speaker 2: idea of the patriarchy kind of took me a second, 154 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:23,360 Speaker 2: if I'm being really honest, to identify my part in it, 155 00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:27,640 Speaker 2: Like I couldn't fully see how it had played out 156 00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:30,920 Speaker 2: in my life definitively. And you know, there's a lot 157 00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:32,439 Speaker 2: of like people want to blame men, and I really 158 00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:34,400 Speaker 2: don't even know if it's a man's fault. It's just 159 00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:37,040 Speaker 2: it's sort of just the way our society was set up. 160 00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:39,720 Speaker 2: And until I was reading some of your book, I 161 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:42,640 Speaker 2: was like, I've never even thought about how a lot 162 00:08:42,679 --> 00:08:45,000 Speaker 2: of these narratives have played out in my life because 163 00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:49,760 Speaker 2: they're just so ingrained. When you're talking about well, I 164 00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:51,360 Speaker 2: was just going to say, when you're talking about the 165 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:53,480 Speaker 2: dating stuff. The one of the things you talk about 166 00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:55,840 Speaker 2: a lot in the book is as women, we're told like, 167 00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:58,880 Speaker 2: don't be too picky, and like it's our fault that 168 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:02,400 Speaker 2: we haven't found and the partner of our dreams. And 169 00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:05,520 Speaker 2: you just said something about learning how to take up 170 00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:08,079 Speaker 2: space and asking yourself like what do I really want? 171 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:10,920 Speaker 2: And it sounds so simple, but I think for so 172 00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:13,960 Speaker 2: many women, especially in the South, Like you said, we 173 00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:17,480 Speaker 2: are not taught that. We're just taught find a partner 174 00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:21,520 Speaker 2: and get married, not necessarily how to find a partner 175 00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:24,480 Speaker 2: that we can find joy with, that we that truly 176 00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:27,280 Speaker 2: is the right match for us, right where we can 177 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,000 Speaker 2: land and be ourselves. 178 00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:31,920 Speaker 3: Yeah, and if we're really going there, Kelly, I mean, 179 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:34,200 Speaker 3: it wasn't for me. It wasn't just find a partner 180 00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:35,800 Speaker 3: to settle down with. It was find a good man 181 00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:39,439 Speaker 3: to settle down with, right. And I think that that 182 00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:44,520 Speaker 3: was that cultural narrative and the latent homophobia or explicit 183 00:09:44,559 --> 00:09:48,040 Speaker 3: homophobia I experienced from a young age in school. When 184 00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:51,960 Speaker 3: a kid was to be thought gay in school, they 185 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:54,920 Speaker 3: would be ostracized and made fun of and bullied. Even 186 00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:56,720 Speaker 3: I mean I was going to school in the early 187 00:09:56,760 --> 00:10:02,400 Speaker 3: two thousands, it wasn't like a very it wasn't a 188 00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:05,839 Speaker 3: very inclusive environment or welcoming environment for people who were 189 00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:09,600 Speaker 3: different than the straight, you know, heteronormative standard. So that's 190 00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:11,839 Speaker 3: why I didn't realize I was or come out as 191 00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:14,600 Speaker 3: bisexual to myself until I was in my mid twenties. 192 00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:16,800 Speaker 3: And I write about that in the book too, that 193 00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:20,480 Speaker 3: like you know, these these narratives that I was taught 194 00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:22,680 Speaker 3: that we all were taught of, like settle down with 195 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:27,480 Speaker 3: a nice man, because that represents safety, that represents societal 196 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:32,200 Speaker 3: your normal. You know that thing's wrong with you? Success? Right, 197 00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:35,000 Speaker 3: All these things lead this lead to this really hot 198 00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:39,040 Speaker 3: soup of pressure that a lot of people experience. And 199 00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:40,800 Speaker 3: they come to me saying like, I just want to 200 00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:42,200 Speaker 3: find a partner. I want to find a partner, but 201 00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:43,840 Speaker 3: I'm too late and I don't know how to do it. 202 00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:47,199 Speaker 3: And we have to really separate out what is your 203 00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:50,400 Speaker 3: desire for the right partner, what is the patriarchal conditioning 204 00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:54,640 Speaker 3: making you feel so anxious and scarce? And how can 205 00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:57,360 Speaker 3: we come into The book is really about how can 206 00:10:57,400 --> 00:11:01,320 Speaker 3: you come into your most joyful day eating life possible 207 00:11:01,559 --> 00:11:05,560 Speaker 3: on your terms, stripping away all of the rules that 208 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:06,840 Speaker 3: you were taught that don't serve you. 209 00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:11,560 Speaker 2: Well, you've mentioned the word anxiety. Anxious, like frantic is 210 00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:13,880 Speaker 2: kind of the just that when you're talking about some 211 00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:16,280 Speaker 2: of your clients coming in and you talk about this 212 00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:19,400 Speaker 2: in the book, but you have some anxiety relieving dating advice. 213 00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:21,520 Speaker 2: So can you tell us everything we can already? 214 00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:27,640 Speaker 3: Yeah, curl ups, come close, Come close. You can't say 215 00:11:27,679 --> 00:11:29,559 Speaker 3: the wrong thing to the right person. 216 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:33,000 Speaker 2: Say that one again, because it's so damn good. 217 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:39,080 Speaker 3: You cannot say the wrong thing to the right person. Yes, 218 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:44,320 Speaker 3: so this idea of I hear so many people saying, 219 00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:47,400 Speaker 3: did I break up with the right person? Did I 220 00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:51,479 Speaker 3: just screw up my chances of finding love because I 221 00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:53,520 Speaker 3: set a boundary? And maybe I shouldn't have because who 222 00:11:53,520 --> 00:11:55,360 Speaker 3: am I to say? No? He was nice enough, she 223 00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:58,800 Speaker 3: was nice enough. Whatever. You can't set the wrong thing 224 00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:00,720 Speaker 3: to the right person. I can't say the wrong thing 225 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,000 Speaker 3: to the right person. So like, if you feel the 226 00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:05,200 Speaker 3: need to bless and release, odds are if that person 227 00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:06,400 Speaker 3: probably wasn't your person. 228 00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:09,720 Speaker 2: Uh you ask me bless and release? You just breezed 229 00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:10,720 Speaker 2: over that real fast. 230 00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:14,280 Speaker 3: Yeah, but it is. What does it mean? It means 231 00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:18,360 Speaker 3: acknowledging what you want. That's the blessed part, right, acknowledging 232 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:21,520 Speaker 3: like okay, or acknowledging the effort if it was a 233 00:12:21,559 --> 00:12:24,120 Speaker 3: positive interaction. Nothing was like quote wrong, but it just 234 00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:28,400 Speaker 3: doesn't feel right long term. Bless it, you know, okay, 235 00:12:29,679 --> 00:12:33,360 Speaker 3: then release it. It's sort of like like imagining releasing 236 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:35,960 Speaker 3: a fish back into the water, like releasing them to 237 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:39,920 Speaker 3: find what's best for them. Blessing your own desires and 238 00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:43,160 Speaker 3: releasing yourself of the need to caregive for another person 239 00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:47,280 Speaker 3: who is wrong for you, so so bless and release 240 00:12:47,559 --> 00:12:49,760 Speaker 3: is another piece of anxiety. Were leaving dating advice, but 241 00:12:49,840 --> 00:12:51,520 Speaker 3: about the you can't say the wrong thing to the 242 00:12:51,559 --> 00:12:54,240 Speaker 3: right person if you're freaking out about I asked them 243 00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:56,880 Speaker 3: out too early and they think I'm weird or oh 244 00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:58,760 Speaker 3: my god, I just asked that question. I asked them 245 00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:00,920 Speaker 3: to be exclusive, and and what if they thought that 246 00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:02,640 Speaker 3: was weird? What if they thought that was too much? 247 00:13:02,679 --> 00:13:05,920 Speaker 3: You can't say the wrong thing to the right person, Kelly, 248 00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:08,120 Speaker 3: I talked about my ex for thirty minutes on my 249 00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:11,840 Speaker 3: first date with my now husband. Would not recommend it, 250 00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:15,800 Speaker 3: would not recommend it for anyone, but I was still healing. 251 00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:18,560 Speaker 3: I was seeing a therapist, but it came up and 252 00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:22,840 Speaker 3: Chris made me feel so loved and seen and held 253 00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:25,880 Speaker 3: in that moment, and then so I couldn't say the 254 00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:28,480 Speaker 3: wrong thing to the right person. And then Chris a 255 00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:30,520 Speaker 3: couple months later was like, Hey, Lily, could be not 256 00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,920 Speaker 3: talk about your ex because I'm a verbal processor and 257 00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:36,800 Speaker 3: I was just like vomiting verbally, vomiting all these things 258 00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:41,640 Speaker 3: and healing from my last toxic relationship before Chris. He's like, hey, Lily, 259 00:13:41,679 --> 00:13:43,640 Speaker 3: can you talk about that with your friends or therapists? 260 00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:45,720 Speaker 3: Like I don't. I want to focus on us, so 261 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:48,600 Speaker 3: the right person will also be able to set boundaries 262 00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:51,360 Speaker 3: for themselves. You don't have to caregive for them all 263 00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:54,000 Speaker 3: the time. You just got to listen and respond and 264 00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:57,400 Speaker 3: be a human being in partnership with another person. When 265 00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:59,840 Speaker 3: it's right, that's what it will feel like. Is that easeful? 266 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:03,000 Speaker 2: It's like that. I think it's a Buddhist principle, but 267 00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:05,480 Speaker 2: you can't mess up anything meant for you. That has 268 00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:08,000 Speaker 2: been such a relief to me in life because I 269 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:12,560 Speaker 2: just like everything you're describing. We overthink everything, and specifically 270 00:14:12,559 --> 00:14:14,640 Speaker 2: in dating, right, because I think a lot of us 271 00:14:14,679 --> 00:14:17,320 Speaker 2: just want to get it quote unquote right yep. And 272 00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:19,000 Speaker 2: you want to find love and you want to find 273 00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:20,800 Speaker 2: a partner, and of course we all want the fairy 274 00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:23,920 Speaker 2: tale that's painted. But the reality is is that that 275 00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:26,200 Speaker 2: takes a lot of practice and maybe a lot of 276 00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:30,720 Speaker 2: missus before you find that. So it's been so relieving 277 00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:35,040 Speaker 2: to me to really adopt that. I love that idea. 278 00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:40,160 Speaker 2: Let's talk about dating apps, because I think that's the 279 00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:44,520 Speaker 2: way that most people are finding relationships or finding go 280 00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:46,440 Speaker 2: you know, finding new people to go on dates with. 281 00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:49,640 Speaker 2: And you actually say that they are a scam. 282 00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:54,560 Speaker 3: So just to put that out, let's put it out there. Okay, 283 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:56,040 Speaker 3: So let's unpack this now. 284 00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:56,960 Speaker 2: Okay, let's do it. 285 00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:59,960 Speaker 3: I do think in the book, I have two chapters 286 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:02,800 Speaker 3: devoted to my feminist takedown of dating apps, which I'm 287 00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:06,160 Speaker 3: going to spill the details here. Both and I do 288 00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:10,160 Speaker 3: teach you and in person dating strategy. It's chapter seven 289 00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:13,840 Speaker 3: Dating in Person with main character Energy. So and I 290 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:16,360 Speaker 3: teach you how to become the CEO of a dating 291 00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:18,800 Speaker 3: app if you want to use one. So I lay 292 00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:20,680 Speaker 3: out all the details of like why they're a scam, 293 00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:23,920 Speaker 3: and you get an in person plan and you get 294 00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:26,800 Speaker 3: the like, if you want to use this resource, here's 295 00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:29,520 Speaker 3: how to do it with the most power possible, sort 296 00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:32,960 Speaker 3: of gaming the dating apps and taking back the control. 297 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,360 Speaker 3: So why do I say that dating apps are a scam? 298 00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:40,000 Speaker 3: Why do you think? Let's examine what we believe about 299 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:43,000 Speaker 3: the popular consciousness will tell us about dating apps. Right, 300 00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:46,040 Speaker 3: what comes to mind for me is that they're like 301 00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:47,280 Speaker 3: the best solution. 302 00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:50,880 Speaker 2: Well, sure, and best answer, that's what I would have said. 303 00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:54,360 Speaker 3: Why do we believe that? I think because you know, 304 00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:57,160 Speaker 3: if they've increased our access to dates and whatever, they 305 00:15:57,160 --> 00:15:59,760 Speaker 3: have been a resource both and they have so much 306 00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:03,360 Speaker 3: more money being poured into marketing over the last twelve 307 00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:07,120 Speaker 3: years we have experienced and enormally I don't have the 308 00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:10,360 Speaker 3: exact number, but it's multimillion, if not billions of dollars 309 00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:14,200 Speaker 3: in dating app marketing geared towards people exactly our age 310 00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:18,440 Speaker 3: with messages like hinge proposes, which is designed to be deleted, 311 00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:22,120 Speaker 3: what is that marketing message doing. It's telling us we're safe, 312 00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:25,360 Speaker 3: come come, come play, come play with us, Come download 313 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:28,080 Speaker 3: our app because we're on your side. We want you 314 00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:31,040 Speaker 3: to download it, to delete it. But then then like 315 00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:35,760 Speaker 3: strip back another layer. There are publicly traded companies and 316 00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:40,280 Speaker 3: publicly traded companies their their main objective is to make 317 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:44,720 Speaker 3: money for their shareholders and to increase profitability or revenue 318 00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:47,800 Speaker 3: in every single quarter. And how do they do that 319 00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:53,480 Speaker 3: by creating more more addictive dating app features, by by 320 00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:56,520 Speaker 3: creating a culture in which dating apps are looked at 321 00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:59,960 Speaker 3: as the quote only answer right, even when the data 322 00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:03,520 Speaker 3: from Pew Research in twenty twenty three found that only 323 00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:06,480 Speaker 3: twelve to twenty four percent of people in committed partnerships 324 00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:07,560 Speaker 3: met with a dating app. 325 00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:10,280 Speaker 2: Wait solve to twenty three Is. 326 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:11,240 Speaker 3: That twenty four percent? 327 00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:13,600 Speaker 2: Yeah? Four percent? Okay, yeah? 328 00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:17,480 Speaker 3: And that data that number ranges from like twelve percent. 329 00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:22,000 Speaker 3: The lowest percent are people older than thirty. And also 330 00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:26,960 Speaker 3: people who are LGB, lesbian, gay, bisexual have a higher 331 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:29,680 Speaker 3: percentage of meeting partners on dating apps for a couple 332 00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:30,520 Speaker 3: different reasons. 333 00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:31,680 Speaker 2: That's interesting. 334 00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:34,199 Speaker 3: I think one being physical safety, right that, like a 335 00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:36,960 Speaker 3: lot of places are not physically safe actually to date 336 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:40,320 Speaker 3: in person, and so dating apps have become an important 337 00:17:40,359 --> 00:17:44,680 Speaker 3: resource to build community and romantic relationships for a lot 338 00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:47,919 Speaker 3: of folks. But anyway, so I digress, like we believe 339 00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:49,840 Speaker 3: the dating apps are the only answer because of their 340 00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:52,719 Speaker 3: marketing messages. It's not actually a dating apps to make 341 00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:56,080 Speaker 3: anything easier. They actually are incredibly addictive. Their job is 342 00:17:56,080 --> 00:17:58,680 Speaker 3: to make money for their shareholders, and I think that's 343 00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:00,800 Speaker 3: why it's important to walk in with eyes wide open. 344 00:18:01,119 --> 00:18:03,439 Speaker 3: I also want a reference in twenty eighteen, this is 345 00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:08,040 Speaker 3: just one of several examples. Twenty eighteen, Match dot Com 346 00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:11,000 Speaker 3: was sued by the FTC the Federal Trade Commission for 347 00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:16,600 Speaker 3: creating bots that lured people into paid app upgrades. So basically, 348 00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:18,840 Speaker 3: these bots would match with you, start chatting with you, 349 00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:21,440 Speaker 3: and then you'd sort of onumatch dot com, you'd run 350 00:18:21,480 --> 00:18:24,320 Speaker 3: out of like the free version of the conversation, and 351 00:18:24,359 --> 00:18:26,600 Speaker 3: you'd have people would pay money to talk to these 352 00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:29,320 Speaker 3: people that didn't exist. And so if we think about 353 00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:33,359 Speaker 3: that sort of shady behavior, and that match group that 354 00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:36,919 Speaker 3: owns match dot Com, that owns Hinge, that owns tender 355 00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:42,160 Speaker 3: match group is above it all, the overlord, the carpet overlord. 356 00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:45,960 Speaker 3: Of course these dating apps are doing shady shit. Of course, yeah, 357 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,120 Speaker 3: to make more money. And so I think it's important 358 00:18:48,119 --> 00:18:52,119 Speaker 3: to notice that, like question our beliefs about dating apps 359 00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:54,360 Speaker 3: and walk in with eyes wide open, that these are 360 00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:57,880 Speaker 3: resources that are incredibly flawed, that we don't need them 361 00:18:57,920 --> 00:19:00,320 Speaker 3: to find love in person. Dating is alive and well 362 00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:02,840 Speaker 3: both and if you have a strategy and a plan 363 00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:05,359 Speaker 3: and boundaries, you can walk into the dating app and 364 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:07,760 Speaker 3: get the most out of it without becoming the victim 365 00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:09,600 Speaker 3: of their bad behavior. 366 00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:12,480 Speaker 2: Well, it's very much like social media, right. I think 367 00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:17,640 Speaker 2: we forget that these are businesses driven by how much 368 00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:20,480 Speaker 2: we're on them, So we have algorithms, we have all 369 00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:22,600 Speaker 2: of these things, those boss you're talking about. I mean, 370 00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:26,040 Speaker 2: that is scary to think about because we're so mindlessly scrolling. 371 00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:28,439 Speaker 2: So I love the idea of like taking your power 372 00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:30,919 Speaker 2: back with that. But one thing I've noticed, and I 373 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:32,840 Speaker 2: don't know if any of the other single people listening 374 00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:36,399 Speaker 2: have noticed this, it's that when you're you feel like 375 00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:39,520 Speaker 2: the apps are the only way to actually meet people nowadays, 376 00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:44,760 Speaker 2: because nobody approaches anyone anymore, right, Everyone's just on their phone, 377 00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:47,600 Speaker 2: even when you're at a bar, at a restaurant. Men 378 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:50,480 Speaker 2: used to come approach a woman. Now, I think a 379 00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:52,480 Speaker 2: lot of people, you know, I've heard a lot of 380 00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:54,600 Speaker 2: men say, well, I'm scared to walk up to a 381 00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:59,120 Speaker 2: woman because you know, all this patriarchy bashing and all 382 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:00,840 Speaker 2: this stuff that we've come I have already touched on 383 00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:03,400 Speaker 2: some of those positives. Some of it had the negative 384 00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:06,600 Speaker 2: connotation too, And people have just become scared and we 385 00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:08,800 Speaker 2: don't know how to interact with each other. So what 386 00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:10,000 Speaker 2: is the solution to that? 387 00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:14,000 Speaker 3: Yeah, And I will also say, to the point about patriarchy, 388 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:17,600 Speaker 3: it's messed us all up right, toxically sculinity makes it 389 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:21,040 Speaker 3: very difficult for men to feel or know how to 390 00:20:21,119 --> 00:20:25,240 Speaker 3: emotionally connect for themselves or even friends, and that hurts 391 00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:30,639 Speaker 3: us all. And so I will say that including the 392 00:20:31,119 --> 00:20:36,080 Speaker 3: pandemic years, our social skills have eroded. I agree, and 393 00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:39,160 Speaker 3: so I think that it is a pont. I think 394 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:43,480 Speaker 3: that I want to challenge everybody listening that being in 395 00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:47,800 Speaker 3: your main character energy means taking messy action. And so 396 00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:50,520 Speaker 3: instead of getting caught up at now, we could, you know, 397 00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:53,480 Speaker 3: talk about all day how it's more difficult to date today. 398 00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:57,080 Speaker 3: It is how it is. It is disappointing that if 399 00:20:57,119 --> 00:20:58,800 Speaker 3: you are a person who dates men, a lot of 400 00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:01,240 Speaker 3: men aren't doing their work, aren't doing your emotional work 401 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:03,280 Speaker 3: to heal or emotional work. We could talk about that 402 00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:05,960 Speaker 3: all day, and I have believed me. And so this 403 00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:08,160 Speaker 3: is a both and both that is all those things 404 00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:11,600 Speaker 3: are true. Both and the right people for you are 405 00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:14,320 Speaker 3: going to make themselves apparent. The right people for you 406 00:21:14,359 --> 00:21:17,640 Speaker 3: are also doing their work right now. And it's imperative 407 00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:20,480 Speaker 3: for you if you want to find the best relationship 408 00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:24,480 Speaker 3: of your life, to start shooting your shot messily. Oh 409 00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:27,840 Speaker 3: love to be the person who approaches somebody else at 410 00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:33,520 Speaker 3: the bar, expecting them to co create a conversation. It's 411 00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:36,640 Speaker 3: not about, like I think a lot of people say, socially, 412 00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:38,600 Speaker 3: women say, I don't want to make the first move. 413 00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:40,120 Speaker 3: I want the man to make a first move because 414 00:21:40,119 --> 00:21:42,080 Speaker 3: that proves to me that they're interested in sort of 415 00:21:42,119 --> 00:21:45,880 Speaker 3: playing this game. In essence. Yeah, and I think it's 416 00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:48,320 Speaker 3: assuming that if you make the first move, then you've 417 00:21:48,359 --> 00:21:52,159 Speaker 3: already established a power dynamic and that you're now you know, 418 00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:55,000 Speaker 3: being in charge of everything and whatever. No, this is 419 00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:58,159 Speaker 3: about co creation. You can shoot your shot, go up 420 00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:01,800 Speaker 3: to somebody saying, hey, and the right person, the right 421 00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:05,320 Speaker 3: people are going to be so delighted that you approach them. 422 00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:07,600 Speaker 3: They're going to coke. They're going to pick up the 423 00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:10,399 Speaker 3: ball of the conversation. It'll be a hey, hey, oh 424 00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:12,800 Speaker 3: my god, I like that. Watch Oh you do I 425 00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:15,200 Speaker 3: got it here? Oh my god, I traveled there last year. 426 00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:18,800 Speaker 3: Oh really? And then the conversation blossoms. The wrong people 427 00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:22,840 Speaker 3: for you make you emotional wheelbarrow of the conversation. You 428 00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:25,240 Speaker 3: do way too much emotional labor. You do all the work. 429 00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:30,080 Speaker 3: That's the micromanaging overfunctioning of it all, and underfunctioning is 430 00:22:30,119 --> 00:22:32,680 Speaker 3: taking your hands completely off the wheel, saying it'll happen 431 00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:34,520 Speaker 3: when at least expected. Okay, I'm not going to try 432 00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:38,240 Speaker 3: at all and not shooting your shot at all ever, So. 433 00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:42,320 Speaker 2: Coming in the middle, yeahation, Yeah, go ahead, coming in 434 00:22:42,359 --> 00:22:42,640 Speaker 2: the middle. 435 00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:44,959 Speaker 3: Way, coming in the middle with co creation, like shooting 436 00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:49,920 Speaker 3: your shot. This is why I say, like, empower yourself 437 00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:52,879 Speaker 3: with your main character energy to shoot your shot one 438 00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:55,520 Speaker 3: hundred percent of the time. It does not mean that 439 00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:58,159 Speaker 3: somebody else might not shoot their shot first with you. 440 00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:01,000 Speaker 3: It doesn't mean that somebody else might not approach you. 441 00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:04,199 Speaker 3: They probably will both. And if you set an expectation 442 00:23:04,240 --> 00:23:07,000 Speaker 3: of yourself of like I take messy action, I shoot 443 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:09,960 Speaker 3: my shot. I celebrate every win. No win is too small, 444 00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:12,000 Speaker 3: you're much more likely to meet the right people for 445 00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:13,359 Speaker 3: you in a shorter amount of time. 446 00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:16,399 Speaker 2: The other interesting thought with that is if you go 447 00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:19,119 Speaker 2: put yourself out there. You know, I've definitely been one 448 00:23:19,119 --> 00:23:20,879 Speaker 2: of those women who's like, I don't want to approach 449 00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:23,679 Speaker 2: a guy, yeah, blah blah. What I have noticed as 450 00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:27,320 Speaker 2: I've gotten order is sometimes men need to know we're 451 00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:31,119 Speaker 2: interested too, So a slight nudge sometimes or you know, 452 00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:34,920 Speaker 2: an invitation of some sort, Like you're saying the word 453 00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:38,800 Speaker 2: co creation doesn't really matter who starts the conversation. Are 454 00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:41,679 Speaker 2: they showing up and matching your energy. That's where you 455 00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:44,880 Speaker 2: start to figure out if they're a good match for you. Also, 456 00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:47,639 Speaker 2: if you approach a group, think about that. Maybe the 457 00:23:47,640 --> 00:23:49,919 Speaker 2: one you approached isn't the one that's going to co 458 00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:52,000 Speaker 2: create with you, but you don't know their friends. 459 00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:55,439 Speaker 3: Not absolutely well. And this is why I love the 460 00:23:55,760 --> 00:23:58,840 Speaker 3: joy building and co conspirat or strategy in chapter seven 461 00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:02,280 Speaker 3: about dating in person with main character energy is like 462 00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:04,560 Speaker 3: the point of a dating app. When a dating app 463 00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:08,440 Speaker 3: is working, what is it doing. It's expanding your social circle, 464 00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:11,399 Speaker 3: That's what it's doing. It's expanding your social circle. And 465 00:24:11,480 --> 00:24:13,400 Speaker 3: if you go out in the world and do things 466 00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:16,560 Speaker 3: that bring you joy and make new friends doing those 467 00:24:16,560 --> 00:24:18,840 Speaker 3: things that bring you joy, whether that's a meetup, whether 468 00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:21,760 Speaker 3: that's a pottery class, whether that's a pub crawl, whether 469 00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:24,560 Speaker 3: that's a running club, whatever. Even if there's nobody you're 470 00:24:24,600 --> 00:24:27,840 Speaker 3: super attracted to there, if you make eye contact, if 471 00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:31,400 Speaker 3: you make new connections, new friendships, and then you ask 472 00:24:31,520 --> 00:24:34,120 Speaker 3: somebody to be your co conspiritu or in your dating life. Hey, 473 00:24:34,119 --> 00:24:35,800 Speaker 3: do you have somebody you could set me up with Hey, 474 00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:41,320 Speaker 3: do you know that's how your cousin's friends barber comes 475 00:24:41,359 --> 00:24:45,120 Speaker 3: to your birthday party randomly and you meet and fall 476 00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:45,520 Speaker 3: in love. 477 00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:45,800 Speaker 1: Right. 478 00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:47,960 Speaker 3: That's how I met Chris is that I went to 479 00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:50,560 Speaker 3: an improv class when I had very few friends in 480 00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:53,280 Speaker 3: this new city. I made a friend who is now 481 00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:55,960 Speaker 3: a lifelong friend. She I moved to New York. She 482 00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:57,640 Speaker 3: introduced me to all of her friends in New York. 483 00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:00,479 Speaker 3: Her friends introduced me to their roommate, Chris, and then 484 00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:02,760 Speaker 3: I met the love of my life because I was 485 00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:06,399 Speaker 3: shooting my shot by making new friendships, expanding my social circle, 486 00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:09,400 Speaker 3: and meeting new people as a result. 487 00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:11,439 Speaker 2: That's something else you talk about in the book is 488 00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:14,240 Speaker 2: utilizing your couple friends. Like your friends that are in 489 00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:17,399 Speaker 2: couples are not just not there. They're not just not 490 00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:20,960 Speaker 2: helpful to your dating life anymore because they're coupled. Actually, 491 00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:23,600 Speaker 2: they may end up being more helpful. Can you talk 492 00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:24,679 Speaker 2: about that a little. 493 00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:26,160 Speaker 3: Bit if you train them. 494 00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:30,080 Speaker 2: Well, Okay, let's get clear here. 495 00:25:30,359 --> 00:25:33,320 Speaker 3: Because a lot of coupled people are unhelpful. They forget 496 00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:36,040 Speaker 3: how hard dating is. They say unhelpful things like it 497 00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:38,240 Speaker 3: happens when you least expect it. They set you up 498 00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:39,600 Speaker 3: with people that you don't like. 499 00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:42,520 Speaker 2: Or you're single, they're single, so y'all will be a 500 00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:44,000 Speaker 2: good match, right, right? 501 00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:46,920 Speaker 3: You make you feel like the third wheel whatever. 502 00:25:47,119 --> 00:25:47,320 Speaker 2: Right. 503 00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:50,439 Speaker 3: So it's not that everybody is perfect at being your 504 00:25:50,440 --> 00:25:54,240 Speaker 3: co conspirator. It's that some of your coupled friends want 505 00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:57,080 Speaker 3: to know how to love you better. Yeah, and just 506 00:25:57,160 --> 00:25:59,639 Speaker 3: like they asked you to be a bridesmaid in their wedding, 507 00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:03,320 Speaker 3: you get to ask them, hey, will you intentionally help 508 00:26:03,359 --> 00:26:05,480 Speaker 3: me with my dating life? And I give a whole 509 00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:07,960 Speaker 3: strategy for this in the book with direct scripts on 510 00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:10,320 Speaker 3: how to ask somebody to be your co conspirator, what 511 00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:13,240 Speaker 3: to ask for if they say something on my quote 512 00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:17,280 Speaker 3: oh no nos list, which is what if they say, oh, 513 00:26:17,320 --> 00:26:19,399 Speaker 3: you're being too picky, or what if they say, oh, 514 00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:21,399 Speaker 3: there's nobody in this town you need to move, or 515 00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:23,399 Speaker 3: what if they say, oh, I don't know anybody's single 516 00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:25,680 Speaker 3: to set you up. But I have like literal boundaries 517 00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:29,040 Speaker 3: that you can verbalize to them in the chapter like 518 00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:32,560 Speaker 3: oh no no, we're here to create creative solutions. So 519 00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:36,520 Speaker 3: that looks like your couple friends you share in the book, 520 00:26:36,560 --> 00:26:39,119 Speaker 3: I have this strategy for essence based preferences, which is 521 00:26:39,160 --> 00:26:41,320 Speaker 3: how you want to feel in the right relationship, and 522 00:26:41,520 --> 00:26:45,080 Speaker 3: qualifying disqualifying questions, which are questions that allow somebody, in 523 00:26:45,119 --> 00:26:47,720 Speaker 3: the words of doctor Maya Angelou, when somebody shows you 524 00:26:47,720 --> 00:26:50,600 Speaker 3: who they are, believed them the first time. So you 525 00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:53,359 Speaker 3: have your EVPs, you have your QD questions, and I 526 00:26:53,359 --> 00:26:55,919 Speaker 3: have a literal worksheet in the book, or you can 527 00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:58,360 Speaker 3: write down these things, all this info on the right 528 00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:00,240 Speaker 3: person for you, and you rip it out and you 529 00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:02,680 Speaker 3: hand it to your co conspirator and you say, look 530 00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:05,399 Speaker 3: out for this kind of person. When you see somebody single, 531 00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:07,760 Speaker 3: you need to ask them these two questions that are 532 00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:09,919 Speaker 3: deeper than the surface. You need to look out for 533 00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:12,359 Speaker 3: this and quote if this person meets this criteria and 534 00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:14,919 Speaker 3: makes you feel this certain way, then you set them 535 00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:18,600 Speaker 3: up with me. Two of my clients did this strategy together. 536 00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:22,199 Speaker 3: One lived in California, one lived in Texas, and the 537 00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:24,680 Speaker 3: client in Texas was in California for a work trip. 538 00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:27,520 Speaker 3: Met a man in the airport, asked him the qualifying 539 00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:30,880 Speaker 3: disqualifying questions, asked if he was single. He was cute 540 00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:35,679 Speaker 3: and adorable and answered beautifully. That client set her a 541 00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:37,800 Speaker 3: co conspirator up even though they didn't live in the 542 00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:40,000 Speaker 3: same state. Because she was in the airport and right place, 543 00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:42,680 Speaker 3: right time met the guy. They started dating the California 544 00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:45,600 Speaker 3: client and the guy the Texas client met at the airport. 545 00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:48,320 Speaker 3: Because the co conspirator strategy is about how you can 546 00:27:48,359 --> 00:27:50,760 Speaker 3: engage people in your life, whether they're single or coupled, 547 00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:53,679 Speaker 3: in a way where they're always looking out for you intentionally, 548 00:27:54,240 --> 00:27:56,400 Speaker 3: not just your single he said, like set it out, 549 00:27:56,560 --> 00:27:58,640 Speaker 3: but like intentionally, what's your plan? 550 00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:02,680 Speaker 2: Okay, you've mentioned making this list of the things though, 551 00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:04,960 Speaker 2: which would then take me back to what we've mentioned 552 00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:07,840 Speaker 2: at the beginning of the podcast about being picky. And 553 00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:10,439 Speaker 2: I think that a lot of women probably relate to 554 00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:14,160 Speaker 2: the idea of we are just not really taught to 555 00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:16,840 Speaker 2: be picky. We're actually taught that we're too picky and 556 00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:19,520 Speaker 2: that it's our own fault that we're still single. So 557 00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:21,760 Speaker 2: how do we let go of that narrative and how 558 00:28:21,760 --> 00:28:23,280 Speaker 2: do we embrace being picky? 559 00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:25,879 Speaker 3: Oh my god, I love this question, Kelly. 560 00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:26,400 Speaker 2: Pick. 561 00:28:26,960 --> 00:28:28,879 Speaker 3: Picky is just the word pick with a y at 562 00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:33,359 Speaker 3: the end. Yes, it's vilifying you for having once, just 563 00:28:33,400 --> 00:28:36,280 Speaker 3: like the word moody is the word mood with a y? 564 00:28:36,320 --> 00:28:38,000 Speaker 3: At the end, which is vilifying you for being a 565 00:28:38,080 --> 00:28:40,160 Speaker 3: human being who has moods, which we all do. 566 00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:43,920 Speaker 2: So true, Yes, yes, it's so true. 567 00:28:44,840 --> 00:28:48,520 Speaker 3: Yeah. So I do think that there is such a 568 00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:52,000 Speaker 3: thing as being really rigid. Yeah, in a way that 569 00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:55,720 Speaker 3: is unhelpful, right, That's what some people say when they're 570 00:28:55,760 --> 00:28:58,160 Speaker 3: saying you're two picky. Maybe you're being really rigid, that 571 00:28:58,320 --> 00:29:00,880 Speaker 3: you shall not pass energy. The life must be this 572 00:29:01,040 --> 00:29:03,440 Speaker 3: exact type, must be, this exact job must be, this 573 00:29:03,520 --> 00:29:08,760 Speaker 3: exact salary. That rigidity is there. You're putting that rigidity 574 00:29:08,800 --> 00:29:11,560 Speaker 3: in place to protect you, but what it's really doing 575 00:29:11,640 --> 00:29:14,640 Speaker 3: is cutting you off from opportunities. Now, on the other 576 00:29:14,800 --> 00:29:17,280 Speaker 3: end of that rigidity is just an open minded pile 577 00:29:17,320 --> 00:29:19,760 Speaker 3: of mush. When I know somebody is an open minded 578 00:29:19,760 --> 00:29:21,400 Speaker 3: pile of mush, they're saying things to me like, I 579 00:29:21,440 --> 00:29:23,920 Speaker 3: just want somebody nice with a job. Your standards are 580 00:29:23,920 --> 00:29:27,320 Speaker 3: way too low. You're drenched and scarcity and fear, and 581 00:29:27,360 --> 00:29:29,720 Speaker 3: that's also going to mean you're too available for the 582 00:29:29,760 --> 00:29:34,200 Speaker 3: wrong people. So coming in the middle and being choosing, 583 00:29:34,520 --> 00:29:40,120 Speaker 3: picking your essence based preferences. Meaning it's not a rigid snapshot. 584 00:29:40,520 --> 00:29:44,640 Speaker 3: It is the living, breathing like definition of how you 585 00:29:44,680 --> 00:29:47,040 Speaker 3: want to feel in the right relationship. I think about 586 00:29:47,080 --> 00:29:49,640 Speaker 3: it like an Impressionist painting. When you look at an 587 00:29:49,680 --> 00:29:53,200 Speaker 3: impressionist painting, you can't see the clear edges, but you 588 00:29:53,280 --> 00:29:55,800 Speaker 3: get the sense of where they are, that they're having 589 00:29:55,880 --> 00:29:58,480 Speaker 3: a good time, how they feel, what they're up to. 590 00:29:58,520 --> 00:30:02,000 Speaker 3: You get the sense of this moment in time in 591 00:30:02,040 --> 00:30:07,640 Speaker 3: this painting. With senspased preferences, you're really choosing, Okay, what 592 00:30:07,680 --> 00:30:10,400 Speaker 3: are the values personality traits that I want. I help 593 00:30:10,480 --> 00:30:13,680 Speaker 3: you create root words to describe those value personality traits. 594 00:30:13,680 --> 00:30:16,800 Speaker 3: So instead of kind, funny, smart, we go even deeper 595 00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:20,400 Speaker 3: with sen space preferences and define, like, okay, what is 596 00:30:20,440 --> 00:30:23,400 Speaker 3: your definition of kind? Okay, if we do this definition 597 00:30:23,480 --> 00:30:25,440 Speaker 3: work and like really get beneath the surface, maybe your 598 00:30:25,480 --> 00:30:30,440 Speaker 3: definition of kind actually is like compassionately generous. And here's 599 00:30:30,520 --> 00:30:32,880 Speaker 3: exactly what that looks like in the real world. They 600 00:30:32,920 --> 00:30:35,520 Speaker 3: donate to these kinds of causes. They show up for 601 00:30:35,560 --> 00:30:37,920 Speaker 3: their friends in this specific way. They go on these 602 00:30:38,040 --> 00:30:41,480 Speaker 3: kind of trips because they care about, you know, the environment, 603 00:30:41,560 --> 00:30:46,080 Speaker 3: or they care about different cultures. They tip generously every 604 00:30:46,080 --> 00:30:50,000 Speaker 3: time they go out. They ask good questions across the 605 00:30:50,080 --> 00:30:53,880 Speaker 3: table and they're really curious and they're deeply listening, compassionately 606 00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:57,520 Speaker 3: curious or something. I don't remember exactly what root word 607 00:30:57,520 --> 00:31:00,239 Speaker 3: I said, but like creating your own root word and 608 00:31:00,280 --> 00:31:03,240 Speaker 3: your unique definitions is what essence based preferences are, and 609 00:31:03,280 --> 00:31:05,680 Speaker 3: it allows you to know what you want with specificity, 610 00:31:06,480 --> 00:31:09,959 Speaker 3: but also be open to being surprised by the right person. 611 00:31:14,120 --> 00:31:16,880 Speaker 2: Right, So you're really defining your value system, is what 612 00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:19,600 Speaker 2: I hear. Yes, And when you get so specific, I 613 00:31:19,600 --> 00:31:22,840 Speaker 2: think that's so smart because, first of all, for yourself, 614 00:31:23,320 --> 00:31:25,520 Speaker 2: I think when we say the things that we want 615 00:31:25,680 --> 00:31:28,360 Speaker 2: in my life, at least the universe has provided it. 616 00:31:28,360 --> 00:31:29,040 Speaker 3: It's crazy. 617 00:31:29,080 --> 00:31:31,680 Speaker 2: It's like, when I get really clear with myself that 618 00:31:31,840 --> 00:31:34,000 Speaker 2: this is something that I truly want and if it's 619 00:31:34,040 --> 00:31:38,360 Speaker 2: truly in alignment, the second I embrace that desire, it 620 00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:41,760 Speaker 2: becomes true in my life in some capacity. But what 621 00:31:41,800 --> 00:31:44,920 Speaker 2: you're saying about the writing it down, getting really clear 622 00:31:44,920 --> 00:31:47,120 Speaker 2: with yourself, the next step is also then you can 623 00:31:47,160 --> 00:31:49,960 Speaker 2: tell other people this is what that means to me, 624 00:31:50,560 --> 00:31:53,120 Speaker 2: Like my definition of kind and your definition of kind 625 00:31:53,160 --> 00:31:55,920 Speaker 2: might be two totally different things. So no wonder we're 626 00:31:55,920 --> 00:31:58,200 Speaker 2: getting set up on these mismatched dates. 627 00:31:58,720 --> 00:32:01,960 Speaker 3: Absolutely, and I do think in terms of there are 628 00:32:02,000 --> 00:32:04,600 Speaker 3: sort of two buckets of sn space preferences. There's the 629 00:32:04,680 --> 00:32:07,960 Speaker 3: personality traits and values, which you know, mine when I 630 00:32:08,040 --> 00:32:11,240 Speaker 3: was dating was resilient and I had my own definition 631 00:32:11,320 --> 00:32:14,880 Speaker 3: for that. After I exited that toxic relationship, I created 632 00:32:14,880 --> 00:32:18,040 Speaker 3: my own essen space preferences that magnetized Chris to me 633 00:32:18,600 --> 00:32:20,600 Speaker 3: and made it so that I was open to being 634 00:32:20,600 --> 00:32:22,800 Speaker 3: surprised by him. I don't know that I would have, 635 00:32:23,480 --> 00:32:26,920 Speaker 3: you know, necessarily swiped right if I had just met 636 00:32:27,000 --> 00:32:28,920 Speaker 3: him on a dating app without doing this work. I 637 00:32:28,920 --> 00:32:32,680 Speaker 3: think that I was limiting myself with my rigidity and fear, 638 00:32:33,360 --> 00:32:37,040 Speaker 3: and so mine were like joyfully resilient. I'd write them 639 00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:43,800 Speaker 3: down in the book joyfully nerdy and and I'm forgetting 640 00:32:43,840 --> 00:32:45,680 Speaker 3: the third, but I write them down in the book 641 00:32:45,720 --> 00:32:48,040 Speaker 3: in the essen Space preference chapter to give an example 642 00:32:48,240 --> 00:32:51,520 Speaker 3: of how these sort of come to life. And so 643 00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:57,000 Speaker 3: that's one bucket. The other bucket is logistics. So like age, height, location, 644 00:32:57,440 --> 00:33:00,000 Speaker 3: blah blah blah, you get to want what you want. 645 00:33:00,360 --> 00:33:02,400 Speaker 3: So when somebody says I want this age range, I 646 00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:06,600 Speaker 3: say cool. The essence based lens on that age range 647 00:33:06,760 --> 00:33:09,080 Speaker 3: is how do you hope somebody in this age range 648 00:33:09,120 --> 00:33:12,800 Speaker 3: makes you feel well. I want to feel intellectually met 649 00:33:12,880 --> 00:33:15,160 Speaker 3: and matched. I want to feel like we have similar 650 00:33:16,400 --> 00:33:18,920 Speaker 3: similar we're a similar place in life. I'm sorry about 651 00:33:18,920 --> 00:33:21,720 Speaker 3: all the Brooklyn noise, Kelly, We're just in the thick 652 00:33:21,800 --> 00:33:23,920 Speaker 3: of it that we're in the thick of the city 653 00:33:25,400 --> 00:33:27,680 Speaker 3: for age. A lot of people will say I want 654 00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:29,840 Speaker 3: to share references. I want to be able to pick 655 00:33:29,920 --> 00:33:32,240 Speaker 3: up and I say, great. Is it possible that you've 656 00:33:32,280 --> 00:33:34,840 Speaker 3: met somebody before who meets how you want to feel, 657 00:33:34,920 --> 00:33:37,560 Speaker 3: but is maybe outside of that range plus or minus? 658 00:33:37,840 --> 00:33:40,320 Speaker 3: Their answer is generally yes. So that's how you can 659 00:33:40,360 --> 00:33:42,880 Speaker 3: be open to being surprised by the right person and 660 00:33:43,160 --> 00:33:45,120 Speaker 3: know what you want by knowing how you want to. 661 00:33:45,040 --> 00:33:48,000 Speaker 2: Feel, because then you can see also where you're being 662 00:33:48,080 --> 00:33:50,240 Speaker 2: rigid and you might not have even realized that. Like, 663 00:33:50,280 --> 00:33:52,800 Speaker 2: it just gives you more flexibility. 664 00:33:52,560 --> 00:33:55,960 Speaker 3: Yes, and it's also a tool to shed any shoulds 665 00:33:56,080 --> 00:33:59,760 Speaker 3: that you have inherited from your family or friends taught 666 00:33:59,800 --> 00:34:01,640 Speaker 3: you you should want Yeah. 667 00:34:01,520 --> 00:34:05,160 Speaker 2: Yes, yes, Well I mentioned the universe. And one of 668 00:34:05,200 --> 00:34:07,080 Speaker 2: the things I've always loved about the work that you 669 00:34:07,120 --> 00:34:09,719 Speaker 2: do is the thank you more please challenge. I have 670 00:34:09,840 --> 00:34:12,799 Speaker 2: to tell you since the last podcast. I do this 671 00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:15,000 Speaker 2: in my life all the time. I think about you 672 00:34:15,040 --> 00:34:18,920 Speaker 2: all the time because every single time something good happens 673 00:34:19,080 --> 00:34:21,320 Speaker 2: or something that just feels good to me that I 674 00:34:21,480 --> 00:34:24,439 Speaker 2: find myself being like, oh, I'm just so grateful for this, 675 00:34:25,440 --> 00:34:27,160 Speaker 2: I just say to like, I put my hand on 676 00:34:27,160 --> 00:34:28,480 Speaker 2: my heart and I close my eyes and I go, 677 00:34:28,760 --> 00:34:29,319 Speaker 2: thank you more. 678 00:34:29,360 --> 00:34:29,720 Speaker 3: Please. 679 00:34:30,120 --> 00:34:32,560 Speaker 2: Tell the listeners about this. If you miss the last podcast, 680 00:34:32,600 --> 00:34:35,839 Speaker 2: go back and listen as well. But yes, break down 681 00:34:35,880 --> 00:34:37,400 Speaker 2: the thank you more Please challenge. I know it went 682 00:34:37,480 --> 00:34:38,400 Speaker 2: viral on TikTok. 683 00:34:38,640 --> 00:34:41,680 Speaker 3: It did, and it inspired the title of my book, 684 00:34:41,680 --> 00:34:44,279 Speaker 3: thank You More Please. So thank You More Please is 685 00:34:44,560 --> 00:34:47,680 Speaker 3: an actionable way to build hope every single day in 686 00:34:47,719 --> 00:34:51,040 Speaker 3: your life and especially in your love life, especially if 687 00:34:51,080 --> 00:34:53,120 Speaker 3: you feel hopeless right now and you're feeling what you 688 00:34:53,160 --> 00:34:55,600 Speaker 3: want doesn't exist. Thank You More Please is a really 689 00:34:55,640 --> 00:34:59,120 Speaker 3: practical way to manifest what you want with a strategy. 690 00:34:59,520 --> 00:35:02,279 Speaker 3: So it is based in science. It's based in this 691 00:35:02,360 --> 00:35:06,160 Speaker 3: thing called the batter Mindhoff phenomenon or red car theory, 692 00:35:06,560 --> 00:35:10,520 Speaker 3: and it is, you know, a phenomenon where what we 693 00:35:10,560 --> 00:35:16,120 Speaker 3: pay attention to magnifies in our reality. Right So, when 694 00:35:16,160 --> 00:35:18,960 Speaker 3: we're shopping for a red car. We go out and 695 00:35:18,960 --> 00:35:21,800 Speaker 3: then we see red cars all over the place where, yeah, everywhere, 696 00:35:21,840 --> 00:35:25,239 Speaker 3: because you're paying attention more. So, it's not that what 697 00:35:25,280 --> 00:35:27,840 Speaker 3: you want doesn't exist. It's not that evidence doesn't exist 698 00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:30,759 Speaker 3: that good things are happening, or evidence doesn't exist that 699 00:35:30,960 --> 00:35:32,799 Speaker 3: the kind of men if you date men that you 700 00:35:32,840 --> 00:35:35,880 Speaker 3: want to date exist. It's that you're not necessarily paying attention. 701 00:35:36,360 --> 00:35:40,360 Speaker 3: Why because your brain is probably in confirmation bias mode 702 00:35:40,560 --> 00:35:44,200 Speaker 3: and recency bias from the past bad dating experiences that 703 00:35:44,239 --> 00:35:47,839 Speaker 3: you've had, trying to protect itself from future rejection by 704 00:35:47,920 --> 00:35:50,239 Speaker 3: assuming that everything's going to be crappy, just like it 705 00:35:50,239 --> 00:35:51,600 Speaker 3: has been in the past. 706 00:35:51,920 --> 00:35:54,920 Speaker 2: You taught me that last podcast because you said, we 707 00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:58,520 Speaker 2: go look, we go looking for anything to make our 708 00:35:58,560 --> 00:36:02,680 Speaker 2: brain right. So we're thinking all men say, all men sucks. Yes, 709 00:36:02,760 --> 00:36:05,200 Speaker 2: it keeps us safe. So it's like a protective thing. 710 00:36:05,320 --> 00:36:07,400 Speaker 2: So if all men suck, we go out and of 711 00:36:07,480 --> 00:36:10,160 Speaker 2: course we're going to see the men acting shitty. That's 712 00:36:10,239 --> 00:36:11,080 Speaker 2: just what happens. 713 00:36:12,239 --> 00:36:15,920 Speaker 4: And I have more of that because not absolutely and 714 00:36:16,080 --> 00:36:22,200 Speaker 4: this is this is by the way, Jesus, Oh, this 715 00:36:22,400 --> 00:36:25,279 Speaker 4: is by the way, not to gaslight you into not 716 00:36:25,480 --> 00:36:27,839 Speaker 4: acknowledging the hard experiences that you've had. 717 00:36:28,160 --> 00:36:30,879 Speaker 3: It's a both, and it's a both end of like, yes, 718 00:36:31,040 --> 00:36:33,360 Speaker 3: I've experienced a lot of people who are wrong for me. 719 00:36:33,920 --> 00:36:35,840 Speaker 3: Both and let me go out in the world and 720 00:36:35,920 --> 00:36:38,800 Speaker 3: look for tiny, tiny slivers of evidence that what I 721 00:36:38,880 --> 00:36:41,800 Speaker 3: want exists. A cut exiting a therapy office, you have 722 00:36:41,840 --> 00:36:45,000 Speaker 3: a flirty conversation with your barista. You say thank you 723 00:36:45,200 --> 00:36:48,359 Speaker 3: more please, out loud to let your brain and body know, hey, 724 00:36:48,360 --> 00:36:52,360 Speaker 3: I'm paying attention to sort of reward yourself with that 725 00:36:52,480 --> 00:36:56,280 Speaker 3: thank you more please statement, to reward yourself for seeing 726 00:36:56,760 --> 00:37:00,880 Speaker 3: that evidence exists. That's something interesting that you exists, and 727 00:37:01,040 --> 00:37:03,560 Speaker 3: maybe there's more of it. So when I was really 728 00:37:03,600 --> 00:37:06,360 Speaker 3: struggling in my business a few years ago, I felt 729 00:37:06,440 --> 00:37:08,640 Speaker 3: kind of like Oliver Twist. I was like, please, sir, 730 00:37:08,719 --> 00:37:11,319 Speaker 3: I want some more. I felt so desperate and sad, 731 00:37:11,960 --> 00:37:14,560 Speaker 3: and I thought, that's not the energy that I want 732 00:37:14,600 --> 00:37:18,440 Speaker 3: to be in. That's I love gratitude, and I obviously 733 00:37:18,560 --> 00:37:22,680 Speaker 3: it's a life changing practice that's not revolutionary for me 734 00:37:22,800 --> 00:37:27,359 Speaker 3: to say by any means, But gratitude felt like stagnant 735 00:37:27,440 --> 00:37:30,000 Speaker 3: for me in a way when I wanted more of 736 00:37:30,120 --> 00:37:33,600 Speaker 3: something good. So I just was playing with this idea 737 00:37:33,640 --> 00:37:35,920 Speaker 3: of like thank you, with the gratitude and more please, 738 00:37:36,000 --> 00:37:40,080 Speaker 3: this audaciousness to ask for more in our lives, and 739 00:37:40,200 --> 00:37:43,959 Speaker 3: it became this revolutionary force that magnetized more good things 740 00:37:44,040 --> 00:37:46,920 Speaker 3: to me and helped me be even more grateful for 741 00:37:47,000 --> 00:37:48,920 Speaker 3: what I did have and helped me get even more 742 00:37:48,960 --> 00:37:50,839 Speaker 3: of what I wanted in my business, in my life 743 00:37:50,920 --> 00:37:54,000 Speaker 3: and my love life, and my clients have used it 744 00:37:54,080 --> 00:37:57,080 Speaker 3: to attract the most incredible dates, the most incredible jobs, 745 00:37:57,120 --> 00:38:00,840 Speaker 3: the most incredible everything, because it's a fun way to 746 00:38:01,760 --> 00:38:05,759 Speaker 3: prove to yourself that what you want exists. In doing so, 747 00:38:06,480 --> 00:38:10,160 Speaker 3: proving to yourself that your desire gets to be evidence 748 00:38:10,320 --> 00:38:11,320 Speaker 3: that what you want. 749 00:38:11,239 --> 00:38:14,400 Speaker 2: Exists, what you want exists, and also that you are 750 00:38:14,480 --> 00:38:17,040 Speaker 2: worth it. Because that's the thing that it makes me 751 00:38:17,080 --> 00:38:20,479 Speaker 2: feel when I say more please, like you said, having 752 00:38:20,560 --> 00:38:23,400 Speaker 2: the audacity even to ask for more in a moment 753 00:38:23,480 --> 00:38:26,440 Speaker 2: of good. Sometimes I think that's been a tricky one 754 00:38:26,480 --> 00:38:28,360 Speaker 2: for me, And I don't know if that's southernness or 755 00:38:28,440 --> 00:38:28,960 Speaker 2: woman knows. 756 00:38:29,000 --> 00:38:33,520 Speaker 3: Oh, Kelly, that's a very Southern thing, Like you should 757 00:38:33,520 --> 00:38:35,160 Speaker 3: be grateful, be grateful for what you. 758 00:38:35,280 --> 00:38:38,560 Speaker 2: Have there you ask for more, But it's communication with 759 00:38:38,760 --> 00:38:41,440 Speaker 2: me and whatever you believe in, if it's God, if 760 00:38:41,480 --> 00:38:44,279 Speaker 2: it's the universe, if it's spirit guides your higher power 761 00:38:44,320 --> 00:38:47,200 Speaker 2: of any kind, it's like, I see you, I see 762 00:38:47,239 --> 00:38:49,880 Speaker 2: what you just provided me, and I believe that this 763 00:38:50,120 --> 00:38:52,800 Speaker 2: is where I'm supposed to be going. This is what 764 00:38:53,000 --> 00:38:54,880 Speaker 2: my life is supposed to look like. Of course, we 765 00:38:54,920 --> 00:38:57,360 Speaker 2: all have hardships, but I don't believe in like a 766 00:38:57,440 --> 00:39:00,200 Speaker 2: punishing God or anything like that, you know. So it's 767 00:39:00,239 --> 00:39:04,439 Speaker 2: just a beautiful communication of yes, and let's like give 768 00:39:04,480 --> 00:39:07,120 Speaker 2: me more. I love this. It's so good. I am 769 00:39:07,200 --> 00:39:10,319 Speaker 2: worthy of that. I just I really implore you guys 770 00:39:10,400 --> 00:39:12,560 Speaker 2: to try that. It's all in the book. The book, again, 771 00:39:12,640 --> 00:39:14,640 Speaker 2: as we have said, is called Thank You More Please, 772 00:39:14,680 --> 00:39:15,520 Speaker 2: and it is out now. 773 00:39:15,960 --> 00:39:16,880 Speaker 3: This is so exciting. 774 00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:18,040 Speaker 1: Now, I'm so. 775 00:39:18,160 --> 00:39:20,880 Speaker 3: Excited for people to read it. It is such a 776 00:39:21,320 --> 00:39:23,839 Speaker 3: I'm being told, you know, the producers in my ears 777 00:39:23,880 --> 00:39:26,400 Speaker 3: saying it's a joyful read. No, it's like people are 778 00:39:26,440 --> 00:39:28,080 Speaker 3: saying that it's a quick read. A lot of people 779 00:39:28,120 --> 00:39:30,560 Speaker 3: are dming me saying I read it in twenty four 780 00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:33,240 Speaker 3: hours because it was just like really fun and funny 781 00:39:33,320 --> 00:39:38,279 Speaker 3: and also provides such tangible, tactical dating advice. That will 782 00:39:38,320 --> 00:39:41,520 Speaker 3: feel like a big hug and an exhale all at once. 783 00:39:41,880 --> 00:39:44,080 Speaker 3: You're going to release so much of the dating pressure 784 00:39:44,200 --> 00:39:46,680 Speaker 3: and stress that you have learned over the past few 785 00:39:46,800 --> 00:39:49,160 Speaker 3: years or decades, depending on how long you've been dating, 786 00:39:49,440 --> 00:39:52,680 Speaker 3: whether you have just gotten divorced or you are a 787 00:39:52,760 --> 00:39:55,120 Speaker 3: late blimmer and have never dated. This book is going 788 00:39:55,200 --> 00:39:58,000 Speaker 3: to give you such practical guidance to meeting the love 789 00:39:58,040 --> 00:39:59,680 Speaker 3: of your life with a joyful dating life. 790 00:40:00,120 --> 00:40:02,200 Speaker 2: I love a tangible tip. The listeners know that I'm 791 00:40:02,200 --> 00:40:04,040 Speaker 2: always like, what is a tangible tip that we can 792 00:40:04,080 --> 00:40:06,319 Speaker 2: do here? And this book does provide a ton of those. 793 00:40:06,400 --> 00:40:08,440 Speaker 2: We've mentioned a lot of them in the podcast, but 794 00:40:08,560 --> 00:40:10,560 Speaker 2: you guys go check it out. There's also a journal 795 00:40:10,680 --> 00:40:13,080 Speaker 2: that goes with this, so you can be taking your 796 00:40:13,160 --> 00:40:16,640 Speaker 2: notes making your list while you're reading the book. So 797 00:40:16,680 --> 00:40:19,759 Speaker 2: I'll put both of those in the description of this podcast, Lily. 798 00:40:19,800 --> 00:40:21,440 Speaker 2: If people want to keep up with you and your 799 00:40:21,520 --> 00:40:24,279 Speaker 2: work other than this book, where will they find you? 800 00:40:25,320 --> 00:40:28,080 Speaker 3: You can find me at the Date Brazen podcast All 801 00:40:28,120 --> 00:40:31,279 Speaker 3: the Time go binge my feminist dating advice. You can 802 00:40:31,440 --> 00:40:34,520 Speaker 3: also learn how to work with me at datefrazen dot 803 00:40:34,640 --> 00:40:38,280 Speaker 3: com and I'm on TikTok and Instagram at date brazen 804 00:40:38,520 --> 00:40:40,360 Speaker 3: da t e b r A z e en. 805 00:40:41,160 --> 00:40:43,040 Speaker 2: I will put all of that in a description again 806 00:40:43,120 --> 00:40:45,000 Speaker 2: of this podcast for you guys. Thank you so much 807 00:40:45,040 --> 00:40:47,600 Speaker 2: for being here again, Lily, Thank you so much. 808 00:40:47,600 --> 00:40:49,759 Speaker 3: Kelly, and I also want to mention the audiobook I 809 00:40:49,840 --> 00:40:52,800 Speaker 3: recorded it It's Fire, so people can walk and listen 810 00:40:52,960 --> 00:40:55,200 Speaker 3: if they want that audiobook in their ears. I can't 811 00:40:55,200 --> 00:40:56,960 Speaker 3: wait to support them with this book. And thank you 812 00:40:57,080 --> 00:40:58,000 Speaker 3: for having me on again. 813 00:40:58,200 --> 00:41:00,879 Speaker 2: Oh my god, of course you guys go checkout Lily's work. 814 00:41:01,080 --> 00:41:03,440 Speaker 2: Thank you more, please, and thank you again for being here. 815 00:41:03,880 --> 00:41:06,840 Speaker 1: Thanks for listening to the Velvet's Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson, 816 00:41:07,080 --> 00:41:09,520 Speaker 1: where we believe everyone has a little velvet in a 817 00:41:09,600 --> 00:41:13,680 Speaker 1: little edge. Subscribe for more conversations on life, style, beauty, 818 00:41:13,800 --> 00:41:17,440 Speaker 1: and relationships. Search Velvet's Edge wherever you get your podcasts.