1
00:00:02,880 --> 00:00:11,320
Speaker 1: This is teddy te Pod. Welcome back to teddy tea pot.

2
00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:16,280
Speaker 1: I'm jumping right back in to all of these divorces.

3
00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:20,960
Speaker 1: I cannot believe this. Even since last week, I've heard

4
00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:24,920
Speaker 1: Dr Dre and his wife Nicole Young have decided to

5
00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:28,640
Speaker 1: break up after twenty four years, Steve Howie and his

6
00:00:28,720 --> 00:00:32,199
Speaker 1: wife Sarah, and then now I'm starting to think maybe

7
00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:37,240
Speaker 1: I'm the podcast curse because Ryan Seacrest and his girlfriend Shana,

8
00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:40,879
Speaker 1: who was just on my podcast talking All Things CBD,

9
00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:43,280
Speaker 1: they announced they broke up a couple of weeks ago.

10
00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:47,000
Speaker 1: I'm like, what is going on? So I am super

11
00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:51,480
Speaker 1: excited to have Dr VON so I can ask her

12
00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:55,040
Speaker 1: all of your questions. Um. Dr b wrote a book

13
00:00:55,080 --> 00:00:57,960
Speaker 1: called Bad Advice, How to Survive and Thrive in the

14
00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:01,319
Speaker 1: Age of Bullshit already with that title. I love her.

15
00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:02,960
Speaker 1: I know she's going to give us so much good

16
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:07,520
Speaker 1: insight on thriving and surviving are significant others, So let's

17
00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:19,440
Speaker 1: welcome her. You guys, I am so excited to be

18
00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:24,480
Speaker 1: back with dr V after last week's episode. There were

19
00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:27,560
Speaker 1: so many breakups. There has been so many divorces during

20
00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:31,480
Speaker 1: this time. I'm curious. Do you think that the couples

21
00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:35,720
Speaker 1: who are divorcing during this would have divorced anyhow, Or

22
00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:39,840
Speaker 1: is this pandemic and the stay at home like revealing

23
00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:42,800
Speaker 1: more things to their significant other. You know, that's a

24
00:01:42,959 --> 00:01:47,440
Speaker 1: really great question, and I think through further research, we're

25
00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:52,680
Speaker 1: not only going to see a correlation between the pandemic

26
00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:55,680
Speaker 1: and divorce rates, but we're actually going to see a causation.

27
00:01:55,920 --> 00:02:00,800
Speaker 1: So what does that mean? Um, the world was not

28
00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:05,640
Speaker 1: prepared for a pandemic. Why should we expect marriages to

29
00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:08,359
Speaker 1: be prepared? And you ask a really great question, Well,

30
00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:12,320
Speaker 1: were they on shaky ground anyway? Dealing with a pandemic

31
00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:17,600
Speaker 1: is a trauma on so many different levels. Now, it's

32
00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:23,480
Speaker 1: been known that, uh, couples who have gone through the

33
00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:27,040
Speaker 1: death of a child are more likely to get divorced.

34
00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:30,120
Speaker 1: Do we say to them, oh, well, they were having

35
00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:35,320
Speaker 1: problems anyway. No, we related to the trauma. And that's

36
00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:41,200
Speaker 1: what's happening here. A worldwide pandemic is a trauma. I

37
00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:44,040
Speaker 1: know we're all trying to go through our lives pretending

38
00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:46,680
Speaker 1: that that's not happening, But at the end of the day,

39
00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:51,440
Speaker 1: it's incredibly traumatic and the world wasn't ready for it.

40
00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:54,919
Speaker 1: Individuals weren't ready for it, and marriages weren't ready for it.

41
00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:57,880
Speaker 1: And the bottom line is we're seeing spikes in domestic

42
00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:02,360
Speaker 1: in domestic violence and siety and depression and unemployment and

43
00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:06,600
Speaker 1: loss and grief. We're also going to see a spike

44
00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:10,440
Speaker 1: in divorce rates because all of those other coping skills

45
00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:13,560
Speaker 1: now have gone down. So we're in a complete imbalance.

46
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:18,680
Speaker 1: So to your question, were they on the rocks to

47
00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:23,440
Speaker 1: begin with? As a social scientist and as someone who

48
00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:28,280
Speaker 1: works in the relationship space, they could have been. But

49
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:33,400
Speaker 1: do we say that when other traumas happen in a marriage, Uh,

50
00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:37,120
Speaker 1: you know, they were just unstable anyway, we usually don't.

51
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:42,040
Speaker 1: So I think it's important to see this in a

52
00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:46,600
Speaker 1: very uh in a world view, veer out, take a

53
00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:50,360
Speaker 1: bird's eye view as to what is happening in the world,

54
00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:54,920
Speaker 1: what's happening around you, what's happening to you, and what's

55
00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:58,680
Speaker 1: happening to your partner and your marriage. Very long answer,

56
00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:02,040
Speaker 1: I'll shut the up, go ahead. I loved every second

57
00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:03,720
Speaker 1: of it, which leads me to the next thing because

58
00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:06,040
Speaker 1: I know, at least for me, my husband and I,

59
00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:08,600
Speaker 1: with everything that's going on, we've been having a lot

60
00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:13,800
Speaker 1: of tougher, bigger discussions that we've never had before, and

61
00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:16,520
Speaker 1: we're learning new things about each other, and we're also

62
00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:21,799
Speaker 1: learning how to navigate how to have those harder discussions.

63
00:04:21,839 --> 00:04:24,720
Speaker 1: But I think you know, and I'm still figuring it out.

64
00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:27,919
Speaker 1: What are some tools you would give to those of

65
00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:31,120
Speaker 1: us who maybe haven't had some of the conversations with

66
00:04:31,279 --> 00:04:35,160
Speaker 1: everything going on in our world today. The right way,

67
00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:37,560
Speaker 1: I mean, I guess there's no right way, but the

68
00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:40,960
Speaker 1: the way right well, I mean it Also, it all

69
00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:48,600
Speaker 1: starts with understanding what it is you need. For example,

70
00:04:49,279 --> 00:04:53,840
Speaker 1: what you may have needed before the pandemic, before the

71
00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:59,520
Speaker 1: birth of your child, um yesterday, maybe different than what

72
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:04,760
Speaker 1: you need today. So to be aware of your ever

73
00:05:04,920 --> 00:05:10,320
Speaker 1: changing needs is incredibly important because so many times I

74
00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:13,880
Speaker 1: hear on my couch, well she should know I feel

75
00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:16,320
Speaker 1: this way, or he should know I feel this way.

76
00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:19,240
Speaker 1: Your partner is not a mind reader, and right now

77
00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:23,680
Speaker 1: we're undergoing so much trauma and we're digesting it so

78
00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:29,160
Speaker 1: quickly that what you need will change. So if you

79
00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:32,640
Speaker 1: can figure out what it is that your needs are,

80
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:38,479
Speaker 1: then you're able to express them to your partner. You're

81
00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:44,400
Speaker 1: able to say I need some emotional space. I need

82
00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:51,320
Speaker 1: some physical space. I need you to get out from

83
00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:57,599
Speaker 1: myking ass like you're able to say things in a way, UM,

84
00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:00,720
Speaker 1: where you're able to just understand and what it is

85
00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:03,720
Speaker 1: that you need and look in the beginning, everyone you know,

86
00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:07,920
Speaker 1: but during the pandemic, everyone was like, you know, social

87
00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:11,200
Speaker 1: distance doesn't mean emotional distance. Social distanting doesn't mean emotional

88
00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:13,799
Speaker 1: you know, distance you don't connect with people, connect with people,

89
00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:17,919
Speaker 1: and you know what, you've been living with your partner

90
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:21,880
Speaker 1: now in quarantine and now we're seeing an uprise and

91
00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:25,360
Speaker 1: more COVID cases, so you're probably going to be in quarantine,

92
00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:31,600
Speaker 1: you know, quarantining. Again, it's okay to ask for emotional space, Like,

93
00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:36,760
Speaker 1: it's really okay. So I think the larger answer to

94
00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:41,360
Speaker 1: your question is really understand what it is that you need.

95
00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:47,960
Speaker 1: So we're going through a trauma and no one is

96
00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:53,560
Speaker 1: talking about that trauma. UM, and that has to do

97
00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:58,720
Speaker 1: in every sphere right now socially in terms of the

98
00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:02,560
Speaker 1: movement that is happening around us, the change that needs

99
00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:07,359
Speaker 1: to happen, the pandemic that is killing people, UM, police

100
00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:11,800
Speaker 1: that are killing people as well. Like there's so much

101
00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:17,239
Speaker 1: going on right now that we are under individual trauma

102
00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:20,280
Speaker 1: because it starts at the top and then it trickles down.

103
00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:23,600
Speaker 1: So if the parents are fucked up, we're going to

104
00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:26,440
Speaker 1: be fucked up. So we have a lot of work

105
00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:30,160
Speaker 1: to do um on all levels of where we are

106
00:07:30,240 --> 00:07:33,240
Speaker 1: right now. But the only thing we can control is

107
00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:37,840
Speaker 1: what we do as individuals. You know how we respond, right,

108
00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:40,320
Speaker 1: So if you're in a place, for for somebody who's

109
00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:43,320
Speaker 1: in a place where they're feeling unhappy, or they're feeling

110
00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:46,440
Speaker 1: unsure in their marriage, or they're feeling stuck or unheard,

111
00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:49,240
Speaker 1: what's a good way to get started? So I know,

112
00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:52,320
Speaker 1: I know, sharing your boundaries and sharing what you need,

113
00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:55,040
Speaker 1: but like, how do you start the conversation with your

114
00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:59,800
Speaker 1: signific significant other for it to go a positive direction?

115
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:02,960
Speaker 1: Because so quickly you can go negative. Yeah, it's so quickly.

116
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:07,440
Speaker 1: And by the way, we're so often willing to have

117
00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:12,240
Speaker 1: these discussions when we're pissed, right, We want to engage,

118
00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:17,920
Speaker 1: we're angry, right, Because when we're not angry, the volume

119
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:22,760
Speaker 1: gets turned down, maybe those feelings even go away. So

120
00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:26,760
Speaker 1: it's important that you have a conversation with your partner

121
00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:31,280
Speaker 1: when you're actually in a good place, when you're in

122
00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:34,920
Speaker 1: a good place when you're marriage is in a good place,

123
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:37,440
Speaker 1: when your relationship is in a good place. And that

124
00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:40,920
Speaker 1: good place, by the way, that is a huge spectrum

125
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:43,720
Speaker 1: of place. So you don't have to be like all

126
00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:46,000
Speaker 1: happy and you know, it doesn't need to be that.

127
00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:49,400
Speaker 1: It just needs to be calm, right to be for

128
00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:54,200
Speaker 1: people to be able to express themselves without feeling like

129
00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:59,280
Speaker 1: they're being judged. When your partner feels like they're being judged,

130
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:02,600
Speaker 1: they got down And the bottom line is people judge

131
00:09:02,679 --> 00:09:06,319
Speaker 1: because thinking takes some work. So you have to really

132
00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:09,320
Speaker 1: ask yourself. Am I being a judge the asshole when

133
00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:11,480
Speaker 1: I bring up this issue? Right? Am I? Am I

134
00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:15,320
Speaker 1: being now every these issues up with my partner? Or

135
00:09:15,679 --> 00:09:18,760
Speaker 1: or is this something I don't understand and that I

136
00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:23,800
Speaker 1: need to understand my partners inner life? So I have

137
00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:27,840
Speaker 1: a little acronym that I always like to use, um

138
00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:33,480
Speaker 1: LUV love. You're gonna listen, You're gonna understand, and you're

139
00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:38,880
Speaker 1: gonna validate. That's simple. Yeah, I've heard what you said.

140
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:44,480
Speaker 1: I acknowledge that what you may be feeling is painful.

141
00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:50,320
Speaker 1: I acknowledge that I acknowledge my responsibility and how all

142
00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:53,920
Speaker 1: of that may have occurred and then you're gonna do

143
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:59,000
Speaker 1: last part, the validate. I validate that completely, and I

144
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:01,960
Speaker 1: understand you, and I love you, and I care about you,

145
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:05,080
Speaker 1: and no matter what, that is what is most important.

146
00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:07,840
Speaker 1: And you are most important. Your feelings are most important.

147
00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:12,120
Speaker 1: So then you listen, you understand, and then you valiity.

148
00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:17,800
Speaker 1: So if our listeners could remember that Luv spells love

149
00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:23,479
Speaker 1: to just really take those steps to really be curious

150
00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:27,840
Speaker 1: about someone's inner life. I mean, there are so many

151
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:35,720
Speaker 1: things I've learned about my husband that I really never knew,

152
00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:38,760
Speaker 1: like and they're funny things like I never really knew

153
00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:41,320
Speaker 1: that my husband was a because you know, I hear

154
00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:44,360
Speaker 1: him on conference calls. He's the type of man which

155
00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:46,839
Speaker 1: I never knew either, that walks paces as he's on

156
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:50,080
Speaker 1: these conference calls. And I'm thinking, Jesus Christ, like how

157
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,840
Speaker 1: what how do you take advantage of your office? Just

158
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:56,880
Speaker 1: walk down hallways so just like wanders around the house.

159
00:10:57,280 --> 00:11:02,480
Speaker 1: So we all are privy to these, like, you know, conversations. Um,

160
00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:06,880
Speaker 1: I never knew that my husband was a. Um, all right,

161
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:11,840
Speaker 1: well we're gonna put a pin in this or okay,

162
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:15,000
Speaker 1: we're in a circle back Like I would never I

163
00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:17,360
Speaker 1: have been married to this man for twenty years and

164
00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:19,600
Speaker 1: I have never heard him use these kinds of phrases,

165
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:24,240
Speaker 1: and so for me, I'm like, Wow, that is a

166
00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:28,720
Speaker 1: whole new human And I know that's well even if

167
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:30,760
Speaker 1: you just use this phrase, is that you never heard,

168
00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:33,360
Speaker 1: But in my mind, it's like, Wow, there's parts of

169
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:39,040
Speaker 1: this person's inner life that I want to get to know. UM.

170
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:41,480
Speaker 1: So I don't know if if if you've had those

171
00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:48,160
Speaker 1: experiences where you've learned new things about um, your husband

172
00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:50,840
Speaker 1: that you were sort of surprised by just little things

173
00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:54,040
Speaker 1: that they said or little things that they did, well,

174
00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:59,120
Speaker 1: I think for me a big part has been um

175
00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:03,439
Speaker 1: the shift in us both working in the same environment,

176
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:07,800
Speaker 1: and how much I've been able to when when we're

177
00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:11,480
Speaker 1: talking about something that lifts us both up, like in

178
00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:14,840
Speaker 1: regards to our business, we can really have thriving, good

179
00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:18,760
Speaker 1: conversations and learn from another from one another. But if

180
00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:22,760
Speaker 1: we start to shift the conversation to something that's like

181
00:12:23,559 --> 00:12:26,920
Speaker 1: maybe you know, me trying to obsess over the fact

182
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:28,400
Speaker 1: if the kids are gonna be allowed to go back

183
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:31,400
Speaker 1: to school or not, that may not be a conversation

184
00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:34,480
Speaker 1: that my husband wants to have at that moment. And

185
00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:37,640
Speaker 1: learning how to navigate when is the right time to

186
00:12:37,679 --> 00:12:39,920
Speaker 1: have this conversation because it's something I do want to

187
00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:42,280
Speaker 1: talk through, and I want to talk through the hypotheticals

188
00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:44,520
Speaker 1: and I want to have all the you know, the

189
00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:47,840
Speaker 1: ideas or whatever it may be. But for him, it's

190
00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:51,360
Speaker 1: like I've learned that if we set up those times

191
00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:53,920
Speaker 1: and we know when we can like have those like

192
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:57,080
Speaker 1: free conversations, it's better than when I try to force

193
00:12:57,120 --> 00:13:00,800
Speaker 1: the conversation and it goes bad. It goes back to

194
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:06,040
Speaker 1: the actual what can we do? And again, you can

195
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:09,960
Speaker 1: schedule a check in time and people are always like,

196
00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:16,720
Speaker 1: you know, they hear some uh sort of verbal backlash

197
00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:21,160
Speaker 1: about scheduling. Well, let me tell you. Couples who schedule sex,

198
00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:27,120
Speaker 1: for example, report that their sex life is more satisfying,

199
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:31,920
Speaker 1: is more fulfilling. Why is that We are creatures were

200
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:34,760
Speaker 1: human beings. When we know we're going to do something,

201
00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:41,079
Speaker 1: we prepare biologically to do that. So if you know

202
00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:45,120
Speaker 1: it's in your calendar that you're gonna have sex that night,

203
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:51,080
Speaker 1: your body is working. It's doing it is because muscle memory,

204
00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:57,240
Speaker 1: it's chemical memory. We are programmed to be creatures, a

205
00:13:57,360 --> 00:14:01,040
Speaker 1: preparedness um I wish I would have done that before

206
00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:13,199
Speaker 1: this interview, prepared a little bit. I had never heard

207
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:15,040
Speaker 1: of it. I was listening to the radio one morning,

208
00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:18,120
Speaker 1: actually Ryan Seacrest, and I was hearing Tanya Rod talking

209
00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:22,880
Speaker 1: about divorce sleeping and how people love it. So that's

210
00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:24,720
Speaker 1: where for people that don't know, Like how I didn't

211
00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:27,960
Speaker 1: realize what it was. It's you are happily married, but

212
00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:31,160
Speaker 1: you choose to sleep in different bedrooms at night. And

213
00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:33,600
Speaker 1: all these people were calling in talking about how great

214
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,760
Speaker 1: it is and why they do it. And at that

215
00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:38,880
Speaker 1: current time, my daughter had just had a really bad

216
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:42,800
Speaker 1: injury and she was sleeping in my bed with me,

217
00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:47,360
Speaker 1: and my husband was sleeping downstairs um with my son

218
00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:49,800
Speaker 1: because she needed, like I had to wake up and

219
00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:52,560
Speaker 1: change her dressings and do all the things that she

220
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:54,680
Speaker 1: needed to take care of her, give her the medicine,

221
00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:58,080
Speaker 1: and also really be there for her of the time.

222
00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:02,640
Speaker 1: And I loved every moment of being able to take

223
00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:04,360
Speaker 1: care of her and being there for And I would

224
00:15:04,360 --> 00:15:06,000
Speaker 1: have been worried had she not been in the bed

225
00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:09,280
Speaker 1: with me. That being said, I was feeling distant from

226
00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:12,000
Speaker 1: my husband not sharing a bed together at night. And

227
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:15,280
Speaker 1: I'm not judging people that that choose to. I'm just

228
00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:18,680
Speaker 1: curious what your thoughts are on it in general, because

229
00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:20,680
Speaker 1: for me, at the end of the day, like we

230
00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:24,040
Speaker 1: have our kids, we have our businesses. Sometimes I'm filming Housewives,

231
00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:27,920
Speaker 1: we are running around a lot. It's scheduled chaos for

232
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:31,480
Speaker 1: for lack of a better word, and that little you know,

233
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,840
Speaker 1: thirty minutes before we go to sleep, where we just

234
00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:36,440
Speaker 1: even could just be like laying there holding hands, watching

235
00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:39,720
Speaker 1: a movie or laughing at a show, or you know,

236
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:42,960
Speaker 1: telling a story of something that happened that day, really

237
00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:46,080
Speaker 1: gave me that connection. And when I didn't have it

238
00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:47,880
Speaker 1: for those four weeks, I was trying to seek it

239
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:52,560
Speaker 1: in random spots that weren't like really fueling my tank.

240
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:55,440
Speaker 1: And so I had to like really like be aware

241
00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:57,640
Speaker 1: of it and be like, this is something that I'm

242
00:15:57,680 --> 00:16:00,000
Speaker 1: feeling right now. It has nothing to do with our marriage.

243
00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:04,040
Speaker 1: Has it has to do with this change. And you know,

244
00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:06,040
Speaker 1: now we're back sleeping the same bed. It's all back

245
00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:07,960
Speaker 1: to the way it was before. But I'm curious, like

246
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,920
Speaker 1: the pros and cons of that. That's a really great question,

247
00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:13,960
Speaker 1: and there has been there has been some research on

248
00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:20,240
Speaker 1: um divorced sleeping and couples who sleep in separate bedrooms. Um,

249
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:22,720
Speaker 1: I don't particularly like the name of it because it

250
00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:27,520
Speaker 1: has such a negative negative and every couple is different.

251
00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:30,480
Speaker 1: So I want to point that out before I point

252
00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:34,240
Speaker 1: to the research that says that couples who sleep in

253
00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:41,360
Speaker 1: different bedrooms will experience um distance between them at some point.

254
00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:47,480
Speaker 1: So while that's a research point, I also want to

255
00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:51,240
Speaker 1: point out that everybody is different. So you know what,

256
00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:54,600
Speaker 1: you're more apt to fight and argue if your husband

257
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:57,800
Speaker 1: snoring all night and you can't sleep all day, Like

258
00:16:57,880 --> 00:16:59,680
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like you know what I'm saying,

259
00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:04,680
Speaker 1: Like some of these are roommate issues, working out a

260
00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:08,879
Speaker 1: roommate issue, versus we're just going to sleep in separate

261
00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:11,080
Speaker 1: beds because that's what we like to do. And if

262
00:17:11,119 --> 00:17:12,879
Speaker 1: you like to do that and that works for you

263
00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:18,399
Speaker 1: and that works for your marriage, that is a wonderful thing. Again,

264
00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:21,479
Speaker 1: I go back to the research pointing to that sleeping

265
00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:26,680
Speaker 1: in separate beds creates emotional distance between couples. Again, that's

266
00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:29,200
Speaker 1: just a research point, and I want to also point

267
00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:32,040
Speaker 1: out it's a qualitative research point, and I don't want

268
00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:36,720
Speaker 1: to bore your listeners. What is qualitative research. It's self report,

269
00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:40,159
Speaker 1: so there's always some flaws within that. It's not a

270
00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:45,680
Speaker 1: quantitative research report. Like does that make sense? I woke

271
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:47,280
Speaker 1: up a little brainy, so I'm just trying to like

272
00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:53,240
Speaker 1: make things to me. Well, then, if you're in a

273
00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:57,840
Speaker 1: place where you are struggling with your significant other right now,

274
00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:02,320
Speaker 1: how do you know? Like I was just listening actually

275
00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:06,560
Speaker 1: to Rachel's Rachel Hollis podcast about since she has broken

276
00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:08,959
Speaker 1: up with her husband, and she was saying, you know,

277
00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:14,040
Speaker 1: we we're best we are best friends, We you know,

278
00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:16,600
Speaker 1: love one another, but there was something that we just

279
00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:19,360
Speaker 1: could never work through all these years later, and it's

280
00:18:19,359 --> 00:18:20,879
Speaker 1: time for us to separate. And I'm not sharing my

281
00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:25,600
Speaker 1: reasons why. But my question is to so many of us,

282
00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:29,760
Speaker 1: who you know, of the listeners who are in the

283
00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:32,199
Speaker 1: place where they are struggling, should I be getting a

284
00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:37,639
Speaker 1: divorce or not? This doesn't know? This is a great

285
00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:41,520
Speaker 1: I mean, it's a great question, and I would urge

286
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:49,000
Speaker 1: um if there is obviously, if abuse is going on,

287
00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:52,640
Speaker 1: if there's abuse in the home, you need to get

288
00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:56,400
Speaker 1: out of that situation as soon as possible. That's clear, right.

289
00:18:57,200 --> 00:19:01,840
Speaker 1: If we were to take abuse, substance abuse, things like that,

290
00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:05,520
Speaker 1: very major markers and a choice to get a divorce.

291
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:08,760
Speaker 1: We were to put those things aside, and we're not

292
00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:16,280
Speaker 1: talking about that. Um, I would really recommend time. We

293
00:19:16,359 --> 00:19:20,360
Speaker 1: are under so much trauma and so much stress right now.

294
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:25,480
Speaker 1: I recommend time to not go. I mean, look, they're

295
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:29,280
Speaker 1: talking about divorce rates spiking in the next few months

296
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:35,560
Speaker 1: and alcohol, divorce rates, domestic violence, everything is up, so

297
00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:38,919
Speaker 1: divorce rates would be up as well. I would really

298
00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:43,680
Speaker 1: urge time. Time is so important and we don't live

299
00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:51,360
Speaker 1: in a space where we value time that we value healing.

300
00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:56,480
Speaker 1: Healing takes time, Understanding takes time. How you thought of

301
00:19:56,520 --> 00:20:01,320
Speaker 1: a situation with your partner last week will be very

302
00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:05,000
Speaker 1: different than how you feel about it two weeks from now.

303
00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:11,440
Speaker 1: So it's really important that we give ourselves space, that

304
00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:15,800
Speaker 1: we hold space for ourselves and someone else. Do you

305
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:17,760
Speaker 1: understand You know what that term means when you're like

306
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:25,280
Speaker 1: space for yourself, that you allow things to penetrate, feel them,

307
00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:34,959
Speaker 1: explore them, think about them without the need for immediate reaction. Right, So,

308
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:40,239
Speaker 1: you're going to allow time, and I think because of

309
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:43,280
Speaker 1: the pandemic and because we're quarantining, and because you're gonna

310
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:46,120
Speaker 1: be doing that more all these rises in cases, you're

311
00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:48,280
Speaker 1: just gonna be more careful. We're not gonna be socializing.

312
00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:51,040
Speaker 1: I mean, we're going to see more of that, and

313
00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:53,760
Speaker 1: we're going to see more of this sense of I

314
00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:56,480
Speaker 1: got to do something, I gotta get out of this situation.

315
00:20:57,080 --> 00:21:02,440
Speaker 1: There's so much that we project onto our relationship, onto

316
00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:06,240
Speaker 1: our partner, when if we were to simply sit down

317
00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:10,159
Speaker 1: and be like, you know what, I don't really hate

318
00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:13,280
Speaker 1: my partner. I hate the fact that I can't escape.

319
00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:18,720
Speaker 1: So to really sort of flesh out within yourself and

320
00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:23,720
Speaker 1: within your mind what's going on with you? Because our

321
00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:25,960
Speaker 1: partners are just mirrors of us. If we were to

322
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:29,280
Speaker 1: be really honest, it's a mirror of what's going on

323
00:21:29,359 --> 00:21:32,320
Speaker 1: the relationship, what's going on with us, why we chose

324
00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:34,879
Speaker 1: this partner to begin with, who we are as a person.

325
00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:40,240
Speaker 1: So I think time is so incredibly important, and it's look,

326
00:21:40,680 --> 00:21:45,640
Speaker 1: everybody now is working from home, right, and I kind

327
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:49,960
Speaker 1: of say, no, my work has infiltrated my home. Like

328
00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:53,400
Speaker 1: now there's no escape from your work. I know it's

329
00:21:54,119 --> 00:21:56,960
Speaker 1: seven twenty were seven, you're working to I mean, think

330
00:21:57,000 --> 00:22:00,920
Speaker 1: about everything that has changed and has shifted that we're

331
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:06,000
Speaker 1: not really mindful of It's like, no, my work has

332
00:22:06,080 --> 00:22:10,040
Speaker 1: come to my house. I'm not working from home. So

333
00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:13,119
Speaker 1: there's so many different pressures that are happening in the

334
00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:18,199
Speaker 1: world and within ourselves. And take a beat. That is

335
00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:24,240
Speaker 1: my advice. Take a beat with your personal relationships and

336
00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:28,200
Speaker 1: more importantly with your marriage. Take a beat because I

337
00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:31,760
Speaker 1: I've also noticed that I when I'm talking to my

338
00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:34,240
Speaker 1: friends or anybody that's going through this right now, there's

339
00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:37,439
Speaker 1: having really good weeks and then really struggling certain weeks,

340
00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:40,080
Speaker 1: and it's just really coming in waves, which you notice.

341
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:43,280
Speaker 1: And when you're talking to your friends, you're you're able

342
00:22:43,359 --> 00:22:46,320
Speaker 1: to almost like compartmentalize and say, I totally feel you.

343
00:22:46,359 --> 00:22:48,720
Speaker 1: I've been the same way. But I can see when

344
00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:52,200
Speaker 1: certain people are talking about their spouses or their significant other,

345
00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:58,600
Speaker 1: they're not giving them that same place. So and husband

346
00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:01,880
Speaker 1: blah blah blah, he's like is and no, it's he's

347
00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:03,440
Speaker 1: in a funk and I can't deal with that and

348
00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:05,439
Speaker 1: blah blah blah. But yeah, I'm like, you were just

349
00:23:05,480 --> 00:23:08,160
Speaker 1: talking to Mary and you were totally fine about her

350
00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:10,720
Speaker 1: being in that same funk. Why are we not showing

351
00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:13,119
Speaker 1: it for our partners? But we can show it to

352
00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:17,200
Speaker 1: our friends. Well, it's that sort of that age old question,

353
00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:19,840
Speaker 1: like how come we can help other people but we

354
00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:23,479
Speaker 1: can't seem to help ourselves, right, Like, it's so easy

355
00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:28,880
Speaker 1: to get a bird's eye view of other people's problems, um,

356
00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:33,040
Speaker 1: and sometimes it helps us to avoid our own Looking

357
00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:36,880
Speaker 1: at other people helps us avoid what's happening inside of ourselves.

358
00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:41,560
Speaker 1: So I would um encourage um. But that is a

359
00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:44,520
Speaker 1: great gift, right to be able to hover above a

360
00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:49,560
Speaker 1: situation and see someone else's situation for what it is.

361
00:23:50,119 --> 00:23:54,320
Speaker 1: So to our listeners, to our viewers, do it for yourself.

362
00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:57,359
Speaker 1: I know it feels like you're stuck in a situation

363
00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:00,560
Speaker 1: for sake, you're stuck in your house. I mean, there

364
00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:03,160
Speaker 1: was a point during this whole pandemic I went outside

365
00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:06,119
Speaker 1: of my car as shut the car, and I started

366
00:24:06,119 --> 00:24:08,879
Speaker 1: crying and I didn't know why. And at the end

367
00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:12,520
Speaker 1: of the day, I just needed emotional space. And by

368
00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:14,400
Speaker 1: the way, I live in a big house, I could

369
00:24:14,440 --> 00:24:18,920
Speaker 1: only imagine what that would be like in a very

370
00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:23,280
Speaker 1: small quarters. So the ability to be able to hover

371
00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:26,919
Speaker 1: above someone else's uh problems and emotions, be able to

372
00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:28,879
Speaker 1: help them and be there for them and empathize with

373
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:32,679
Speaker 1: their situation. Give it to yourself. You can do it

374
00:24:32,720 --> 00:24:36,720
Speaker 1: for you. So. Um, you know, other people's issues are

375
00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:42,160
Speaker 1: always so they become more simpler because we're not emotionally involved, right,

376
00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:45,280
Speaker 1: we don't have an emotional investment. And I'm not saying

377
00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:47,760
Speaker 1: I just want to be clear, I'm not saying to

378
00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:53,879
Speaker 1: pull back your emotional investment. I'm simply saying, don't make

379
00:24:54,640 --> 00:25:01,000
Speaker 1: very don't make life choices based in emotion, in a

380
00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:05,199
Speaker 1: very heated emotion, right, make those life choices, make a

381
00:25:05,240 --> 00:25:07,800
Speaker 1: different life choice or whatever. It may be a change

382
00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:12,920
Speaker 1: when you're relaxed, when you're calm, because things will be

383
00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:18,000
Speaker 1: so different. Um, And like I hear so much either

384
00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:23,960
Speaker 1: it's so extreme. It's either I we've found so much

385
00:25:24,119 --> 00:25:30,159
Speaker 1: about each other, our relationship is stronger, we're bonded, or

386
00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:33,000
Speaker 1: this or that, or I hear I hate this motherfucker,

387
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:37,000
Speaker 1: get him or her or away from me. You know,

388
00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:40,920
Speaker 1: like whatever you're whatever your position is, like get it's

389
00:25:41,080 --> 00:25:46,720
Speaker 1: there's no one between. And that's fascinating too. It's incredibly polarizing.

390
00:25:47,440 --> 00:25:50,879
Speaker 1: And when we live in an age where our thoughts

391
00:25:51,359 --> 00:25:56,800
Speaker 1: are polarized through a tweet, through an Instagram message we

392
00:25:57,000 --> 00:26:03,919
Speaker 1: don't understand nuance. And I'm seeing this really filter filter

393
00:26:04,720 --> 00:26:09,080
Speaker 1: how people digest the relationships too, that there really is

394
00:26:09,119 --> 00:26:15,840
Speaker 1: this extreme polarizing thinking that we perpetuate every single day. UM,

395
00:26:15,880 --> 00:26:20,399
Speaker 1: you know, on social media, UM, in every way there's

396
00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:24,440
Speaker 1: there's not this sense of things are nuanced, and so

397
00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:28,080
Speaker 1: we look at our relationship like that too, that it

398
00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:31,320
Speaker 1: is not nuanced, that it's this one thing and that

399
00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:34,600
Speaker 1: is it and if that's just not true, we are

400
00:26:34,880 --> 00:26:39,760
Speaker 1: complex human creatures. And I think also what's happening is

401
00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:43,120
Speaker 1: the ability to learn to pivot within your partner, within

402
00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:46,640
Speaker 1: your relationship. Like I know, when this pandemic first started,

403
00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:49,720
Speaker 1: we started a routine and we were liking it at first,

404
00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:51,600
Speaker 1: which was like, you know, we do our work, we

405
00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:53,680
Speaker 1: do this, but at three o'clock we were all meeting

406
00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:55,320
Speaker 1: up because the kids were down to school and we'd

407
00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:58,480
Speaker 1: go on this walk. But what would happen is if

408
00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:01,440
Speaker 1: Edwin's timing was off or something would happen, and it

409
00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:04,080
Speaker 1: would that I couldn't live with it. I was like,

410
00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:06,800
Speaker 1: I don't understand. It's three o'clock every day. I do

411
00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:09,800
Speaker 1: not understand. And once I was able to shift it

412
00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:12,520
Speaker 1: and say you know what actually what works best for

413
00:27:12,560 --> 00:27:15,439
Speaker 1: my schedule and for the kids is if in the morning,

414
00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:17,920
Speaker 1: I go on a walk with the kiddos and that's

415
00:27:17,920 --> 00:27:20,440
Speaker 1: how we start our day. And if Edwin comes, great,

416
00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:22,840
Speaker 1: if he doesn't come, great. I'm making this about what

417
00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:27,720
Speaker 1: feels best for for me and then talking to my

418
00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:31,720
Speaker 1: partner about what other ways that we can spend time together.

419
00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:34,520
Speaker 1: It was so much better because I was realizing every

420
00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:37,840
Speaker 1: day at two thirty, all of a sudden, I was stressed. Well,

421
00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:42,720
Speaker 1: let me tell you those stories, and I see those

422
00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:46,240
Speaker 1: morning walks and I don't know how you do it.

423
00:27:46,240 --> 00:27:48,719
Speaker 1: It is the best part of my day. It is

424
00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:51,320
Speaker 1: the best part of my day. I'm not kidding. I've

425
00:27:51,359 --> 00:27:54,359
Speaker 1: told so many people these morning walks with my kids.

426
00:27:54,359 --> 00:27:59,400
Speaker 1: I have learned more about them so much, and it's

427
00:27:59,440 --> 00:28:02,320
Speaker 1: really a ton for us. And then what happened when

428
00:28:02,440 --> 00:28:05,240
Speaker 1: Edwin realized I switched the time, Like I was like, listen,

429
00:28:05,280 --> 00:28:07,320
Speaker 1: it really drives me crazy when you're on the zoom

430
00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:10,240
Speaker 1: moving your hands around like crazy, and like I'm telling

431
00:28:10,320 --> 00:28:13,240
Speaker 1: you it's three o'clock. It's like making me a psycho person.

432
00:28:13,320 --> 00:28:16,520
Speaker 1: Like right, I'm pivoting. I'm doing what works best for

433
00:28:16,560 --> 00:28:19,400
Speaker 1: me and for them, and and and then like honestly,

434
00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:20,960
Speaker 1: to day he didn't say anything about it. He was

435
00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:22,720
Speaker 1: like just you know, put his finger up like I'm

436
00:28:22,720 --> 00:28:25,560
Speaker 1: working whatever. Two days later he was like, hey, can

437
00:28:25,560 --> 00:28:27,760
Speaker 1: we then like make a new a new deal. Can

438
00:28:27,760 --> 00:28:29,880
Speaker 1: we do like dinner at six every night? And then

439
00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:32,280
Speaker 1: can we watch this show that all the that we

440
00:28:32,320 --> 00:28:34,359
Speaker 1: all like as a family. Can we watch that together?

441
00:28:34,440 --> 00:28:36,680
Speaker 1: Can that be our new thing? And I was like, yes,

442
00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:40,280
Speaker 1: I love that. That's perfect. But sometimes we get so

443
00:28:40,280 --> 00:28:42,200
Speaker 1: set in our ways and how we think it's supposed

444
00:28:42,240 --> 00:28:45,480
Speaker 1: to be that we're making ourselves unhappy over something that's

445
00:28:45,520 --> 00:28:49,320
Speaker 1: not a big deal at all. No, you're right, you're right.

446
00:28:49,720 --> 00:28:54,120
Speaker 1: I agree, And obviously it works for you that you're

447
00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:58,440
Speaker 1: able to say you're able to make those shifts as

448
00:28:58,480 --> 00:29:01,360
Speaker 1: they're occurring. I mean maybe took me like a month.

449
00:29:03,120 --> 00:29:06,240
Speaker 1: Well that was my next question, how long did it

450
00:29:06,360 --> 00:29:10,160
Speaker 1: take you to make the shift? Like, how long did

451
00:29:10,160 --> 00:29:12,400
Speaker 1: it take you? Like a month? With it took me

452
00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:15,760
Speaker 1: about three weeks. And what was happening is then I

453
00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:17,880
Speaker 1: was realizing I was on a bad mood in the walks,

454
00:29:19,320 --> 00:29:22,120
Speaker 1: and so I made it. I did the shift instead

455
00:29:22,120 --> 00:29:25,520
Speaker 1: of I'm mad at Edwin for being late. I shifted too.

456
00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:28,680
Speaker 1: Now I'm mad at myself because I'm in a grumpy

457
00:29:28,760 --> 00:29:32,720
Speaker 1: mood right now over Edwin taking six more minutes. And

458
00:29:32,960 --> 00:29:35,760
Speaker 1: he said he was gonna you know, it was becoming

459
00:29:35,880 --> 00:29:38,680
Speaker 1: something that it wasn't supposed to be about, and I'd

460
00:29:38,720 --> 00:29:42,200
Speaker 1: be walking ahead. It was just like, Okay, Teddy, You've

461
00:29:42,240 --> 00:29:44,720
Speaker 1: got to shift this because this isn't the end all

462
00:29:44,760 --> 00:29:48,760
Speaker 1: be all of your family and your relationship in your life. Well,

463
00:29:48,880 --> 00:29:51,600
Speaker 1: I mean, you bring up a really great point in

464
00:29:51,720 --> 00:29:56,840
Speaker 1: terms of, you know, when do we begin to take

465
00:29:56,880 --> 00:30:03,560
Speaker 1: responsibility for perhaps a family activity that someone doesn't maybe

466
00:30:03,560 --> 00:30:05,240
Speaker 1: want to be a part of, or they're they're late

467
00:30:05,400 --> 00:30:07,880
Speaker 1: all like they're late all the time. I mean, you

468
00:30:07,880 --> 00:30:09,880
Speaker 1: bring up a great point, like at what point do

469
00:30:09,920 --> 00:30:13,320
Speaker 1: we make that choice of I'm going to make an

470
00:30:13,320 --> 00:30:16,400
Speaker 1: executive decision and I'm going to go in the morning

471
00:30:16,600 --> 00:30:19,400
Speaker 1: because I don't feel like waiting for you for a seconds.

472
00:30:20,000 --> 00:30:23,080
Speaker 1: You know, you bring up this really, I think more

473
00:30:23,080 --> 00:30:27,920
Speaker 1: of an extential thought process. Um, you know, all of

474
00:30:27,920 --> 00:30:33,840
Speaker 1: our relationships, at what point does it become about what

475
00:30:33,960 --> 00:30:36,800
Speaker 1: you need? Because I can tell you it's not all

476
00:30:36,840 --> 00:30:39,200
Speaker 1: the time, like we live in this very me me, me, me,

477
00:30:39,360 --> 00:30:42,440
Speaker 1: my needs, my needs, my needs culture. Um. The bottom

478
00:30:42,440 --> 00:30:46,360
Speaker 1: line is a marriage is a given take of needs, right.

479
00:30:46,400 --> 00:30:49,440
Speaker 1: And I don't like the word compromise. I think that sucks, um,

480
00:30:49,480 --> 00:30:52,480
Speaker 1: But it's a it's about give and take of needs.

481
00:30:52,880 --> 00:30:56,640
Speaker 1: So what point, like you had done where you were

482
00:30:56,680 --> 00:31:02,280
Speaker 1: like this, I want you myself, like, why am I

483
00:31:02,480 --> 00:31:06,520
Speaker 1: getting myself all wrapped up over nothing? Exactly? What why

484
00:31:06,560 --> 00:31:09,720
Speaker 1: am I getting myself you know, all upset or nothing?

485
00:31:09,760 --> 00:31:12,680
Speaker 1: And but at the same time, I don't know if

486
00:31:12,720 --> 00:31:17,600
Speaker 1: that was over nothing. I mean, if someone is consistently late,

487
00:31:18,080 --> 00:31:22,280
Speaker 1: people can see this as an act of aggression. People

488
00:31:22,320 --> 00:31:26,200
Speaker 1: can see it as withholding and so you might have

489
00:31:26,320 --> 00:31:31,240
Speaker 1: been going through some of those emotions that are attached

490
00:31:31,320 --> 00:31:34,000
Speaker 1: with someone who's consistently late. So I want you to

491
00:31:34,040 --> 00:31:38,880
Speaker 1: go easy on yourself. But what you did was you said,

492
00:31:39,240 --> 00:31:43,360
Speaker 1: all right, this is affecting me in this way. How

493
00:31:43,400 --> 00:31:47,920
Speaker 1: can I make it better for myself? And that was

494
00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:52,080
Speaker 1: a beautiful thing. So I guess like, as we're sitting

495
00:31:52,080 --> 00:31:55,920
Speaker 1: here sort of like working out this this problem together, like,

496
00:31:56,040 --> 00:31:59,840
Speaker 1: at what point do you make those executive decisions with

497
00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:03,480
Speaker 1: in a family. It's a very interesting discussion I mean,

498
00:32:03,600 --> 00:32:07,920
Speaker 1: I think for me, when I realized that it's happening

499
00:32:07,960 --> 00:32:10,240
Speaker 1: more than three times, you know, like when I realized

500
00:32:10,240 --> 00:32:12,960
Speaker 1: that I'm I'm consistently doing the same thing over and

501
00:32:13,000 --> 00:32:16,080
Speaker 1: over again, and I'm like, how could I possibly be

502
00:32:16,240 --> 00:32:19,200
Speaker 1: accept like thinking I'm gonna have a different result? Am

503
00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:23,840
Speaker 1: I insane? Like I have to get so much because

504
00:32:24,040 --> 00:32:27,840
Speaker 1: I lead into that feeling like I admire that so much.

505
00:32:27,920 --> 00:32:30,800
Speaker 1: It's like it's only three times. I mean, that's amazing.

506
00:32:31,040 --> 00:32:34,440
Speaker 1: Like I started realizing it, but then I I kept

507
00:32:34,440 --> 00:32:36,040
Speaker 1: trying to stick to it because I thought, maybe this

508
00:32:36,120 --> 00:32:39,240
Speaker 1: is really good for our family, this this three o'clock walk,

509
00:32:39,280 --> 00:32:41,120
Speaker 1: Maybe this is where we're really connecting. And then I

510
00:32:41,120 --> 00:32:43,600
Speaker 1: was like, but I'm a disaster during it. And then

511
00:32:43,600 --> 00:32:47,720
Speaker 1: I realized what happened is is around three ish, whenever

512
00:32:48,480 --> 00:32:51,120
Speaker 1: it is now, Edwin's will go up and like play

513
00:32:51,200 --> 00:32:54,040
Speaker 1: chess with the kids or he's still finding that moment

514
00:32:54,120 --> 00:32:56,720
Speaker 1: to connect with them. And then Edwin and I have

515
00:32:56,800 --> 00:32:58,720
Speaker 1: the conversation where I'm like, listen, even though we can't

516
00:32:58,760 --> 00:33:02,280
Speaker 1: go out, I still want day so like we still

517
00:33:02,360 --> 00:33:05,360
Speaker 1: need to like maybe order and support some small businesses,

518
00:33:05,440 --> 00:33:08,960
Speaker 1: sit down, have a date, talk like catch up all

519
00:33:08,960 --> 00:33:10,840
Speaker 1: of these things. But like we had to figure it out,

520
00:33:10,920 --> 00:33:13,200
Speaker 1: it didn't just like the day the pandemic started. We

521
00:33:13,200 --> 00:33:16,440
Speaker 1: weren't like, oh, we are crushing this. We are navigating

522
00:33:16,480 --> 00:33:19,680
Speaker 1: it perfectly, right, That's what I'm saying. Like it was,

523
00:33:19,800 --> 00:33:22,080
Speaker 1: it's a it's a trauma, it's a jigsaw puzzle. It's

524
00:33:22,080 --> 00:33:25,120
Speaker 1: a consistent shift. And by the way, like I would,

525
00:33:25,880 --> 00:33:30,040
Speaker 1: I don't like the term date night, particularly now during

526
00:33:30,080 --> 00:33:33,680
Speaker 1: a pandemic. I think that it implies a level of complexity,

527
00:33:34,560 --> 00:33:38,480
Speaker 1: level of the unknown of that people don't want right now.

528
00:33:38,960 --> 00:33:42,640
Speaker 1: So to some of our listeners, it might be easier

529
00:33:42,760 --> 00:33:45,520
Speaker 1: for you to get a little bit more specific. If

530
00:33:45,520 --> 00:33:47,680
Speaker 1: you're going to have a sex night, call it what

531
00:33:47,720 --> 00:33:50,600
Speaker 1: it is. If you're going to have intimacy night, call

532
00:33:50,680 --> 00:33:53,680
Speaker 1: it what it is. If you're no, that's not sex

533
00:33:53,680 --> 00:33:56,960
Speaker 1: happens during the day around here, for sure, that time

534
00:33:57,040 --> 00:34:02,480
Speaker 1: event most of the time. But I I think for me,

535
00:34:02,560 --> 00:34:07,200
Speaker 1: it's more time where it's not me rushing around in

536
00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:09,719
Speaker 1: the kitchen trying to see it. Everybody like it's like

537
00:34:10,000 --> 00:34:15,920
Speaker 1: we are going to have that little it's about you, Yeah, yeah,

538
00:34:16,080 --> 00:34:18,520
Speaker 1: about us, it's about us. I just want to but

539
00:34:18,560 --> 00:34:21,320
Speaker 1: I want to clear that up because that's your personal experience,

540
00:34:21,320 --> 00:34:23,279
Speaker 1: it works for you. I just want to clear up

541
00:34:23,719 --> 00:34:28,319
Speaker 1: that the date night for listeners who are going through

542
00:34:28,320 --> 00:34:35,360
Speaker 1: a pandemic, who are quarantining together an incredibly a slippery slope,

543
00:34:35,800 --> 00:34:38,480
Speaker 1: because Okay, so now like now you've got to think

544
00:34:38,520 --> 00:34:41,879
Speaker 1: of creative ways just to eat dinner. Now you've got

545
00:34:41,880 --> 00:34:45,160
Speaker 1: to think of creative ways, Um, what room will we

546
00:34:45,200 --> 00:34:47,960
Speaker 1: do this in? You know? And while yeah, like, and

547
00:34:48,040 --> 00:34:53,440
Speaker 1: while that might be fun the first three sixty seventy times,

548
00:34:54,080 --> 00:34:55,799
Speaker 1: you know, when you begin to say, okay, we're gonna

549
00:34:55,800 --> 00:35:01,160
Speaker 1: stredule date night, I just want to sort of give

550
00:35:01,200 --> 00:35:05,560
Speaker 1: a little piece of advice, which would be more detailed.

551
00:35:06,160 --> 00:35:09,480
Speaker 1: What is it that you're going to do where it's

552
00:35:09,560 --> 00:35:13,720
Speaker 1: just going to be you and your partner together? Throw

553
00:35:13,800 --> 00:35:18,279
Speaker 1: away this elusive date night whatever that like, whatever that means.

554
00:35:18,640 --> 00:35:20,680
Speaker 1: I mean, I don't even know what that means. This

555
00:35:20,760 --> 00:35:22,520
Speaker 1: is a kind of date night. You know what that

556
00:35:22,560 --> 00:35:25,240
Speaker 1: meanstudy like, you and your partner, you know what that means.

557
00:35:25,760 --> 00:35:28,440
Speaker 1: Um for you, it's very specific, and I think for

558
00:35:28,520 --> 00:35:30,680
Speaker 1: a lot of our listeners, like they don't know what

559
00:35:30,760 --> 00:35:36,239
Speaker 1: that means. So throw away all the complicated unknowns and

560
00:35:36,320 --> 00:35:39,640
Speaker 1: call it what it is. That would be really helpful

561
00:35:39,719 --> 00:35:42,399
Speaker 1: and it also gets you nailed down to being more

562
00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:45,239
Speaker 1: specific in other ways. Right, Okay, so this is what

563
00:35:45,239 --> 00:35:48,280
Speaker 1: we are going to do this time, and it also

564
00:35:49,160 --> 00:35:52,200
Speaker 1: specific with your own feelings. This is how I feel

565
00:35:52,280 --> 00:35:55,359
Speaker 1: during this time. So, like you were saying, like you

566
00:35:55,400 --> 00:35:59,120
Speaker 1: wanted to have this family walk every day at three,

567
00:35:59,560 --> 00:36:04,200
Speaker 1: how admirable what you found. You said you were miserable

568
00:36:05,160 --> 00:36:09,960
Speaker 1: every day at three, And to be able to make

569
00:36:10,040 --> 00:36:14,760
Speaker 1: the shift of I'm not going to force my partner

570
00:36:15,560 --> 00:36:18,560
Speaker 1: on this walk because you would want him to want

571
00:36:18,560 --> 00:36:21,880
Speaker 1: to go, right, but you want to be there and

572
00:36:22,000 --> 00:36:25,080
Speaker 1: show up early right now if he's anxious to go

573
00:36:25,120 --> 00:36:30,880
Speaker 1: on that walk, Like we have a therapy where like

574
00:36:31,280 --> 00:36:35,960
Speaker 1: if you're early, you're anxious. If you're early to your appointment,

575
00:36:35,960 --> 00:36:38,240
Speaker 1: you're anxious. If you're on time, you're O. C D.

576
00:36:38,520 --> 00:36:41,640
Speaker 1: And if you're late, you're angry. Like that's like you

577
00:36:41,680 --> 00:36:46,400
Speaker 1: can't win. There's no there's definitely no winning. There's no

578
00:36:47,440 --> 00:36:49,759
Speaker 1: But I do I know, I do fully agree with

579
00:36:49,800 --> 00:36:52,120
Speaker 1: you though, and I think it's pinpointing what it is

580
00:36:52,160 --> 00:36:54,880
Speaker 1: that you actually need, what you want and what what

581
00:36:55,080 --> 00:36:58,080
Speaker 1: your partner needs and want. Yeah, I mean even it

582
00:36:58,120 --> 00:37:00,520
Speaker 1: can even be so simple as like this is something

583
00:37:00,520 --> 00:37:03,640
Speaker 1: else that I realized during the pandemic um which I've

584
00:37:03,680 --> 00:37:06,800
Speaker 1: been married to. My husband will be married nine years

585
00:37:07,000 --> 00:37:12,799
Speaker 1: on July four, you know, and and high one years.

586
00:37:12,840 --> 00:37:17,640
Speaker 1: That's a long time, um. But I didn't realize until

587
00:37:17,760 --> 00:37:22,440
Speaker 1: his birthday this year, which was during the pandemic. I

588
00:37:22,520 --> 00:37:26,320
Speaker 1: always would buy him these elaborate gifts, really expensive gifts,

589
00:37:26,360 --> 00:37:29,400
Speaker 1: because in my mind, like he came from super humble beginnings,

590
00:37:29,440 --> 00:37:32,440
Speaker 1: has worked his way to the top, He's worked super hard,

591
00:37:32,840 --> 00:37:35,840
Speaker 1: and he's always been the provider for everyone in his life.

592
00:37:36,200 --> 00:37:40,000
Speaker 1: So in my mind, I always assumed I need to

593
00:37:40,160 --> 00:37:42,400
Speaker 1: buy him something he wouldn't buy himself. I need to

594
00:37:42,400 --> 00:37:45,359
Speaker 1: go big and bold and and he knows I'm not.

595
00:37:45,480 --> 00:37:47,520
Speaker 1: I'm not like that, but I always just in my

596
00:37:47,600 --> 00:37:50,040
Speaker 1: head made up that's how he was. And this year,

597
00:37:50,120 --> 00:37:53,799
Speaker 1: during the pandemic, because I couldn't go anywhere and buy

598
00:37:53,840 --> 00:37:56,560
Speaker 1: something and do those types of things, I had a

599
00:37:56,680 --> 00:37:59,680
Speaker 1: video made with all of his closest friends and family

600
00:37:59,760 --> 00:38:03,359
Speaker 1: just making a message for him, and he cried like

601
00:38:03,440 --> 00:38:06,760
Speaker 1: a baby, and he's like, this is the best gift

602
00:38:07,280 --> 00:38:10,520
Speaker 1: you have ever given me. I love it so much.

603
00:38:10,760 --> 00:38:13,440
Speaker 1: You can never talk this like this is you have

604
00:38:13,600 --> 00:38:17,839
Speaker 1: no idea, And I realized, oh my gosh, these are

605
00:38:17,880 --> 00:38:19,920
Speaker 1: the types of gifts he likes. And I had no

606
00:38:20,000 --> 00:38:21,920
Speaker 1: idea because I made up in my head what I

607
00:38:21,960 --> 00:38:25,400
Speaker 1: assumed he would want. Well, I mean, you bring up

608
00:38:25,400 --> 00:38:31,240
Speaker 1: another amazing point in terms of how what you found

609
00:38:31,280 --> 00:38:37,319
Speaker 1: out was how your partner receives love. You thought it

610
00:38:37,400 --> 00:38:40,080
Speaker 1: was one way this whole time, right, and then you

611
00:38:40,200 --> 00:38:44,360
Speaker 1: discovered through this pandemic that it could be something else.

612
00:38:45,000 --> 00:38:48,520
Speaker 1: How do you receive love? And I want to point

613
00:38:48,520 --> 00:38:55,600
Speaker 1: out that how we received love changes throughout time. And

614
00:38:55,920 --> 00:39:00,520
Speaker 1: if you notice, Teddy, we never really talk about marriage

615
00:39:00,719 --> 00:39:05,520
Speaker 1: through the lifespan. We don't. You get married and then

616
00:39:05,560 --> 00:39:09,080
Speaker 1: somehow someone as a midlife crisis, they funk up, You

617
00:39:09,120 --> 00:39:11,480
Speaker 1: stay together, you get divorced, whatever that might be, and boom,

618
00:39:11,560 --> 00:39:17,840
Speaker 1: we stop the discussion. We really have longer conversations and

619
00:39:17,920 --> 00:39:24,600
Speaker 1: more open discussions about our marriages, about our relationships because

620
00:39:25,360 --> 00:39:29,520
Speaker 1: society there's no room for it, there's no narrative for it.

621
00:39:29,600 --> 00:39:32,560
Speaker 1: We don't really discuss marriage over the lifespan. If you

622
00:39:32,600 --> 00:39:36,520
Speaker 1: were to talk about, um, some problems that you might

623
00:39:36,560 --> 00:39:40,040
Speaker 1: have had or that you are having. It's shamed. So

624
00:39:40,080 --> 00:39:44,200
Speaker 1: there really isn't space, and I would love to create

625
00:39:44,280 --> 00:39:47,440
Speaker 1: a space. And one of my goals is creating space

626
00:39:47,520 --> 00:39:51,799
Speaker 1: for couples to be more open about where they are

627
00:39:52,680 --> 00:39:56,600
Speaker 1: in their marriage, because then you realize that you are

628
00:39:56,719 --> 00:40:00,160
Speaker 1: not fixed in time like society wants you to be.

629
00:40:00,840 --> 00:40:05,040
Speaker 1: You are not that fixed couple that got married that day.

630
00:40:05,200 --> 00:40:09,600
Speaker 1: We're able to talk about are ever changing once, are

631
00:40:09,680 --> 00:40:13,520
Speaker 1: ever changing desires and are ever changing needs, and there

632
00:40:13,640 --> 00:40:15,840
Speaker 1: isn't a space for that. I don't know if you

633
00:40:15,960 --> 00:40:18,400
Speaker 1: notice that, but there isn't any space for that. You

634
00:40:18,440 --> 00:40:23,760
Speaker 1: never hear about people talking about their marriage as it's transforming.

635
00:40:24,120 --> 00:40:26,960
Speaker 1: You don't you either hear about I mean, I was

636
00:40:27,040 --> 00:40:31,760
Speaker 1: even thinking about UM Kristen Cavaliery. I don't watch the show,

637
00:40:32,120 --> 00:40:34,799
Speaker 1: but when I saw that there was, I think, a

638
00:40:34,880 --> 00:40:38,120
Speaker 1: divorce and people were shocked. I only know this through

639
00:40:38,160 --> 00:40:41,759
Speaker 1: social media that people were shocked by it, and I

640
00:40:41,840 --> 00:40:49,919
Speaker 1: thought to myself, Wow, seasons went by, right, seasons went

641
00:40:50,000 --> 00:40:56,360
Speaker 1: by this person's life, and yet we're all shocked by

642
00:40:56,520 --> 00:41:01,399
Speaker 1: this divorce. And I'm not saying that people on television

643
00:41:01,640 --> 00:41:08,600
Speaker 1: or every reality star has this, UM has this, They

644
00:41:08,719 --> 00:41:11,800
Speaker 1: should be showing those things. That's not what I'm saying.

645
00:41:12,800 --> 00:41:18,080
Speaker 1: What I'm asking is why aren't we Why aren't we

646
00:41:18,160 --> 00:41:22,520
Speaker 1: Why aren't we providing space because we're probably doing the

647
00:41:22,600 --> 00:41:25,279
Speaker 1: same thing we do to moms, We fucking mom shame them,

648
00:41:26,040 --> 00:41:29,239
Speaker 1: I know, But why is that? And that's why, you know,

649
00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:31,600
Speaker 1: when Justin and I were talking in the last episode

650
00:41:31,600 --> 00:41:34,040
Speaker 1: about all of these celebrity breakups and there's all this

651
00:41:34,160 --> 00:41:37,239
Speaker 1: shock and even the spouses shocked or the significant other

652
00:41:37,280 --> 00:41:40,000
Speaker 1: shocked at the breakup, It's like, why are we all

653
00:41:40,040 --> 00:41:42,759
Speaker 1: in a place where we can't all realize we're all

654
00:41:42,760 --> 00:41:46,120
Speaker 1: in this together. There's no perfect marriages, there are no

655
00:41:46,239 --> 00:41:50,200
Speaker 1: perfect couples. There's nobody that doesn't have to work on

656
00:41:50,360 --> 00:41:53,720
Speaker 1: their marriage all of the time. Well, what, you don't

657
00:41:53,920 --> 00:41:59,919
Speaker 1: really know how much you love someone until that love

658
00:42:00,360 --> 00:42:06,319
Speaker 1: is tested, right, You don't really have a solid, solid

659
00:42:06,360 --> 00:42:13,479
Speaker 1: marriage until the foundation has been tested. So this this

660
00:42:14,200 --> 00:42:22,760
Speaker 1: vilification of marital problems, this shaming of marital problems, um

661
00:42:22,880 --> 00:42:27,359
Speaker 1: isn't supportive and it and that's why we see these

662
00:42:27,360 --> 00:42:31,480
Speaker 1: celebrity breakers. We all they done, what happened? And why

663
00:42:31,920 --> 00:42:36,799
Speaker 1: couldn't we give space to talk about what really goes

664
00:42:36,840 --> 00:42:40,640
Speaker 1: on between our marriages and our relationships, like why is that?

665
00:42:40,880 --> 00:42:46,320
Speaker 1: Why can't we be supportive UM mothers to support other women?

666
00:42:46,800 --> 00:42:50,160
Speaker 1: Why why is that? And my hope is that this

667
00:42:50,280 --> 00:42:53,879
Speaker 1: is something that will of course correct itself, that this

668
00:42:53,960 --> 00:42:58,880
Speaker 1: is something that UM with more discussion, with more talk,

669
00:42:59,000 --> 00:43:02,799
Speaker 1: where people don't feel the shame that they're able to

670
00:43:02,840 --> 00:43:07,960
Speaker 1: have a space that's open and honest. So going on.

671
00:43:08,320 --> 00:43:11,920
Speaker 1: But what happens, Teddy is that this enters the marital

672
00:43:12,040 --> 00:43:17,600
Speaker 1: space that there you are now needing in time from

673
00:43:17,600 --> 00:43:21,640
Speaker 1: the time you were married, that because society is imposing

674
00:43:21,680 --> 00:43:24,720
Speaker 1: this on you, now you now are imposing that on yourself.

675
00:43:25,280 --> 00:43:27,160
Speaker 1: You're not a lot of have problems, You're a lot

676
00:43:27,160 --> 00:43:32,400
Speaker 1: of half issues. And I just think a great place

677
00:43:32,719 --> 00:43:35,720
Speaker 1: if we were all just a little bit more open,

678
00:43:36,080 --> 00:43:41,200
Speaker 1: more loving, less judging again thinking's hard. I could honestly

679
00:43:41,640 --> 00:43:43,880
Speaker 1: get therapy from you for the next you know hour.

680
00:43:44,120 --> 00:43:47,920
Speaker 1: I have to though, get into some listener questions. So

681
00:43:48,160 --> 00:43:51,240
Speaker 1: the questions, Okay, so we're gonna do a little rapid fire.

682
00:43:52,920 --> 00:43:59,160
Speaker 1: How do you recover after losing trust? Okay? Trust is

683
00:43:59,200 --> 00:44:05,680
Speaker 1: one of those interesting things. UM. We build trust over time.

684
00:44:06,760 --> 00:44:10,040
Speaker 1: It's like you have a jar it's like marble moments.

685
00:44:11,120 --> 00:44:13,920
Speaker 1: You think trust is built in these big events, and

686
00:44:13,960 --> 00:44:18,719
Speaker 1: it is not. Here's your jar and then little pieces.

687
00:44:19,120 --> 00:44:21,440
Speaker 1: I will give you a marble. You accept the marble.

688
00:44:21,840 --> 00:44:25,520
Speaker 1: Oh he or she noticed my day and asked about it. Wow,

689
00:44:25,920 --> 00:44:29,360
Speaker 1: Oh they thought about something I said years ago. Oh,

690
00:44:29,400 --> 00:44:32,480
Speaker 1: they defended me in front of someone. We put we

691
00:44:32,600 --> 00:44:37,160
Speaker 1: keep putting these marbles in these jars, these marble moments

692
00:44:37,200 --> 00:44:41,440
Speaker 1: of trust and trust is one of those things that

693
00:44:41,760 --> 00:44:46,560
Speaker 1: takes a long time to build, and then there's one

694
00:44:46,600 --> 00:44:51,480
Speaker 1: thing sweeps it all the way. The marble jar just

695
00:44:51,600 --> 00:44:55,439
Speaker 1: cracks open and everything that you worked for is now gone.

696
00:44:56,440 --> 00:45:00,600
Speaker 1: So how do you build trust again? You're going to

697
00:45:00,680 --> 00:45:04,000
Speaker 1: have to remember that it won't be through these big moments.

698
00:45:04,320 --> 00:45:07,000
Speaker 1: It's going to be the way it was before. It's

699
00:45:07,000 --> 00:45:11,760
Speaker 1: gonna be these marble jar moments, these where your partner

700
00:45:11,800 --> 00:45:15,080
Speaker 1: gives you a marbl. Oh, I can trust this all right?

701
00:45:15,160 --> 00:45:17,279
Speaker 1: A little bit more trust and by the way, you're

702
00:45:17,280 --> 00:45:20,040
Speaker 1: gonna trust, and then you're gonna not. It's gonna be

703
00:45:20,080 --> 00:45:23,640
Speaker 1: one step forward, two steps back, one step forward, three

704
00:45:23,680 --> 00:45:27,200
Speaker 1: steps back. It's gonna take some time. But what I

705
00:45:27,280 --> 00:45:32,520
Speaker 1: want to tell whoever wrote this, this question. I love

706
00:45:33,160 --> 00:45:38,759
Speaker 1: that you are wanting to trust again. What a beautiful thing.

707
00:45:39,200 --> 00:45:42,920
Speaker 1: How do I trust again? How do I build trust?

708
00:45:43,280 --> 00:45:45,200
Speaker 1: And if it's if it's someone who has broken the

709
00:45:45,239 --> 00:45:48,719
Speaker 1: trust that wrote that question, what a beautiful thing, and

710
00:45:49,040 --> 00:45:54,360
Speaker 1: that is trust that I want to get this person's trust,

711
00:45:54,440 --> 00:45:58,640
Speaker 1: trust back and I want to trust again. So that's

712
00:45:58,680 --> 00:46:02,200
Speaker 1: what's important there. However that happens is going to be

713
00:46:02,239 --> 00:46:07,360
Speaker 1: a jigsaw hustle. But be open to accepting those marble

714
00:46:07,440 --> 00:46:11,560
Speaker 1: jarm moments. I love that the mobile jarm that that

715
00:46:13,040 --> 00:46:19,080
Speaker 1: now I'm all ted. It's not mine, it's um Berne Brown. Yes, sorry,

716
00:46:18,360 --> 00:46:22,480
Speaker 1: And she describes it so beautifully in terms of marble

717
00:46:22,520 --> 00:46:25,360
Speaker 1: jarm moments. That's really great. And now I want to

718
00:46:25,360 --> 00:46:28,160
Speaker 1: go down that rabbit hole a little bit. Um. How

719
00:46:28,160 --> 00:46:34,640
Speaker 1: do you navigate during difficult conversations regarding politics or something

720
00:46:34,680 --> 00:46:38,800
Speaker 1: like black lives matter or any of the things that

721
00:46:39,160 --> 00:46:41,400
Speaker 1: maybe you don't see eye to eye on with your

722
00:46:41,440 --> 00:46:49,040
Speaker 1: significant other, resist the urge to be right? Do you

723
00:46:49,080 --> 00:46:51,960
Speaker 1: want to be happy or do you want to be right?

724
00:46:52,719 --> 00:46:55,800
Speaker 1: You really have to ask yourself that when you're having

725
00:46:55,840 --> 00:46:59,640
Speaker 1: these kinds of conversations, and if you resist the er

726
00:47:00,400 --> 00:47:05,879
Speaker 1: to be right, You're more likely to listen, You're more

727
00:47:05,960 --> 00:47:09,040
Speaker 1: likely to listen with an open mind, You're more likely

728
00:47:09,080 --> 00:47:11,960
Speaker 1: not to be a judge asshole, You're more likely to

729
00:47:12,000 --> 00:47:17,080
Speaker 1: be receiving information. And if you resist the urge to

730
00:47:17,200 --> 00:47:21,799
Speaker 1: be right, you become the smartest person in the room

731
00:47:21,840 --> 00:47:26,440
Speaker 1: because now you are available and open to be receiving

732
00:47:27,160 --> 00:47:31,480
Speaker 1: all the information. So if you resist that urge to

733
00:47:31,520 --> 00:47:36,720
Speaker 1: be right, that is really how you can have those conversations. Now,

734
00:47:37,560 --> 00:47:40,880
Speaker 1: I do want to say, UM, I just had a

735
00:47:40,960 --> 00:47:45,279
Speaker 1: conversation with a friend of mine whose mother UM was

736
00:47:45,440 --> 00:47:52,440
Speaker 1: saying very racist things, and it was overwhelming her UM,

737
00:47:52,600 --> 00:47:57,080
Speaker 1: her own mother saying these very racist things, and she

738
00:47:57,360 --> 00:48:02,520
Speaker 1: just said I. She resisted the urge to say, like,

739
00:48:02,560 --> 00:48:05,800
Speaker 1: I can't believe a part of you. I can't believe I.

740
00:48:05,800 --> 00:48:10,160
Speaker 1: I can't fight this this conversation, And so she took

741
00:48:10,200 --> 00:48:13,319
Speaker 1: care of herself and she hung up the phone. And

742
00:48:13,360 --> 00:48:17,920
Speaker 1: she's limiting her conversations with her mother until she's able

743
00:48:18,320 --> 00:48:21,320
Speaker 1: to really talk to her about how she feels about

744
00:48:21,320 --> 00:48:24,319
Speaker 1: these things. So that's another way is that you can

745
00:48:25,239 --> 00:48:30,760
Speaker 1: really set your boundaries where they need to be UM

746
00:48:30,840 --> 00:48:33,600
Speaker 1: and then be able to come back to the conversation

747
00:48:34,080 --> 00:48:39,439
Speaker 1: with clear and thorough talking points, so very I give

748
00:48:39,480 --> 00:48:42,719
Speaker 1: long answers even I mean, I completely agree, and I

749
00:48:42,760 --> 00:48:44,360
Speaker 1: know that we have to wrap up, but there is

750
00:48:44,480 --> 00:48:46,600
Speaker 1: I had a similar thing happened to me with one

751
00:48:46,600 --> 00:48:50,560
Speaker 1: of my girlfriends. Um It was involving the pandemic and

752
00:48:50,719 --> 00:48:53,399
Speaker 1: masks and all kinds of things, and she was kind

753
00:48:53,440 --> 00:48:56,640
Speaker 1: of making a joke of people wearing masks. She doesn't

754
00:48:56,640 --> 00:49:00,399
Speaker 1: live in California, and I just realized, like, you know what,

755
00:49:00,960 --> 00:49:04,120
Speaker 1: I need to mute this person on social media right

756
00:49:04,160 --> 00:49:07,839
Speaker 1: now because for me, this isn't making me feel good

757
00:49:07,880 --> 00:49:11,160
Speaker 1: seeing it. It's at knowing that I live in Los Angeles.

758
00:49:11,200 --> 00:49:16,360
Speaker 1: It's something I'm doing to protect others, to protect my family,

759
00:49:16,440 --> 00:49:20,480
Speaker 1: to protect myself, and also because it is, you know,

760
00:49:20,880 --> 00:49:23,920
Speaker 1: a requirement of living in Los Angeles. So seeing that

761
00:49:24,000 --> 00:49:26,880
Speaker 1: kind of thing was almost like polarizing to me, Like

762
00:49:26,920 --> 00:49:29,720
Speaker 1: I was like, what why is this making me so upset?

763
00:49:29,840 --> 00:49:34,640
Speaker 1: And I realized, like, not every single conversation do I

764
00:49:34,719 --> 00:49:40,680
Speaker 1: need to really get so invested in that's affecting me daily?

765
00:49:40,920 --> 00:49:43,680
Speaker 1: Like I was like, just if I mute this, I

766
00:49:43,719 --> 00:49:46,040
Speaker 1: don't need to see it. And then, you know what,

767
00:49:46,200 --> 00:49:50,120
Speaker 1: I'm okay, and then I will have that conversation with

768
00:49:50,160 --> 00:49:54,239
Speaker 1: her when I am ready and not all charged up

769
00:49:54,320 --> 00:49:57,080
Speaker 1: because I'm living it right this second. I mean, think

770
00:49:57,120 --> 00:50:00,279
Speaker 1: about so this woman was coming through like your need

771
00:50:00,520 --> 00:50:02,839
Speaker 1: You're like, like, if it was a coming to that way? Yeah,

772
00:50:02,960 --> 00:50:07,640
Speaker 1: like stories, Yeah, I mean think about that. Think about

773
00:50:07,680 --> 00:50:14,160
Speaker 1: all the relationships that we are trying to navigate, these

774
00:50:14,200 --> 00:50:18,040
Speaker 1: really kind of unimportant relationships really that we're trying to

775
00:50:18,160 --> 00:50:23,000
Speaker 1: navigate because we're given, we're allowing, we're receiving information, and

776
00:50:23,040 --> 00:50:26,040
Speaker 1: we're allowing that information to come through. Guess what, you

777
00:50:26,040 --> 00:50:29,040
Speaker 1: don't got to get yourself all rolled up, mute that person,

778
00:50:29,320 --> 00:50:33,480
Speaker 1: I mean, and at the same time, stay strong in

779
00:50:33,520 --> 00:50:36,680
Speaker 1: your own book, stay strong and what it means for

780
00:50:36,760 --> 00:50:40,320
Speaker 1: you to be protecting other people's lives free to protect

781
00:50:40,320 --> 00:50:44,560
Speaker 1: your own life. So I really have great empathy for

782
00:50:44,640 --> 00:50:47,400
Speaker 1: what you're talking about. And it's a part of the

783
00:50:47,400 --> 00:50:49,440
Speaker 1: world we live in now, so we have to have

784
00:50:50,440 --> 00:50:55,839
Speaker 1: better boundaries. Mute. Yeah, I think better boundaries. Sharing how

785
00:50:55,880 --> 00:50:58,400
Speaker 1: you feel is great, and it's also as long as

786
00:50:58,400 --> 00:51:00,880
Speaker 1: we're leaning in learning and do inwood is best for

787
00:51:00,920 --> 00:51:03,480
Speaker 1: all of us, and we're having empathy. That's where we

788
00:51:03,520 --> 00:51:05,440
Speaker 1: have we have to keep it. But if if you're

789
00:51:05,480 --> 00:51:08,560
Speaker 1: letting something in that's constantly making you feel bad, it

790
00:51:08,719 --> 00:51:13,760
Speaker 1: is not worth it. Yeah, and I just think better

791
00:51:13,800 --> 00:51:16,400
Speaker 1: than me. I just write on my friends while you're dumb,

792
00:51:18,080 --> 00:51:21,080
Speaker 1: and then we're not friends anymore. So you're better than me.

793
00:51:21,640 --> 00:51:25,440
Speaker 1: You like new people. I just say, wow, I didn't

794
00:51:25,440 --> 00:51:27,960
Speaker 1: know you were the stupid and I'm like, we're not friends,

795
00:51:28,360 --> 00:51:31,600
Speaker 1: like Psycho. Really, you are way better than me. Now,

796
00:51:31,680 --> 00:51:33,719
Speaker 1: I would not say it was better. I just I'm like,

797
00:51:33,960 --> 00:51:37,200
Speaker 1: I don't want to. You know what, I fight with housewives,

798
00:51:37,239 --> 00:51:40,319
Speaker 1: we're living. I can't be also fighting with people on

799
00:51:40,360 --> 00:51:47,880
Speaker 1: social media. It's just too much. I say that for Twitter. Um,

800
00:51:48,280 --> 00:51:51,719
Speaker 1: yeah you are hilarious. But yeah, thank you so much

801
00:51:51,760 --> 00:51:55,720
Speaker 1: for coming on and I really appreciate you sharing so

802
00:51:55,760 --> 00:51:59,520
Speaker 1: many great tidbits. For more information on dr B. Where

803
00:51:59,560 --> 00:52:03,040
Speaker 1: do they find you? That's always a brain teaser. Um.

804
00:52:03,120 --> 00:52:07,960
Speaker 1: So my Instagram I think is doctor spelled out underscore

805
00:52:08,040 --> 00:52:13,640
Speaker 1: V underscore um. And then my uh, Twitter, I don't

806
00:52:13,640 --> 00:52:16,399
Speaker 1: even know, but you know where to find me. I'm

807
00:52:16,440 --> 00:52:19,080
Speaker 1: around just punching doctor find dr V. You know what?

808
00:52:19,160 --> 00:52:23,080
Speaker 1: I follow her? Look at the people I'm following and

809
00:52:23,200 --> 00:52:30,719
Speaker 1: say that. Thank you, ted Thanks you guys for tuning in.

810
00:52:30,840 --> 00:52:33,760
Speaker 1: I seriously feel like every week is a therapy session

811
00:52:33,840 --> 00:52:36,920
Speaker 1: for me. So much good info there. Please send in

812
00:52:37,000 --> 00:52:40,040
Speaker 1: your suggestions for any other topics you want us to

813
00:52:40,120 --> 00:52:43,560
Speaker 1: dig into at Teddy T at I Heart radio dot com,

814
00:52:43,680 --> 00:52:45,680
Speaker 1: or you can just d m us on Instagram at

815
00:52:45,719 --> 00:52:48,560
Speaker 1: Teddy T Podcast. Thanks again for listening and I'll talk

816
00:52:48,600 --> 00:52:49,040
Speaker 1: to you soon.