WEBVTT - I Had a Miscarriage 0:00:03.760 --> 0:00:05.800 I just in my mind thought, okay, it's a girl. 0:00:05.800 --> 0:00:07.280 I don't know why I thought it was a girl 0:00:07.320 --> 0:00:08.840 in my mind. We made it. It It was a girl, 0:00:08.920 --> 0:00:13.920 and we named the Teddy Bear Genesis. Again. I never 0:00:14.040 --> 0:00:15.800 told my mom. I was afraid. I was so scared. 0:00:15.840 --> 0:00:19.880 I don't know what I was gonna do. I don't 0:00:19.880 --> 0:00:21.640 know what it would have been like to have a 0:00:21.760 --> 0:00:24.560 child and also raising Johnny at the same time, and 0:00:24.680 --> 0:00:35.600 my mom really needed me. And Welcome to another episode 0:00:35.680 --> 0:00:38.280 of cheek Ease and Chill. I'm your host cheek Ease, 0:00:38.360 --> 0:00:40.479 and I'm so happy you're here. Thank you so much 0:00:40.520 --> 0:00:42.919 for listening. I hope you all had a great weekend. 0:00:43.760 --> 0:00:45.839 Today's topic is going to be a little heavy, and 0:00:45.880 --> 0:00:48.280 it's something I haven't talked about in depth and I 0:00:48.280 --> 0:00:50.400 never thought I was going to. But this is a 0:00:50.520 --> 0:00:54.240 space that I feel safest. So let's go and jump 0:00:54.320 --> 0:01:02.920 into this episode of chick Ease and Chill. So, guys, today, 0:01:02.960 --> 0:01:07.640 I'm going to share something extremely personal. I never thought 0:01:07.640 --> 0:01:10.479 i'd share this, but I feel now is the time 0:01:11.040 --> 0:01:13.560 to do it, especially because I mentioned a little bit 0:01:13.600 --> 0:01:16.440 about it in one of my episodes, and of course 0:01:16.480 --> 0:01:19.640 the media they go ahead and turn things around and 0:01:20.440 --> 0:01:25.280 it got from a miscarriage into an abortion, which was 0:01:25.360 --> 0:01:30.119 not the case. So I did have a miscarriage when 0:01:30.120 --> 0:01:33.560 I was nineteen years old, So my mom did not 0:01:33.640 --> 0:01:35.840 know about this. A lot of my family didn't know 0:01:35.880 --> 0:01:38.160 about this, and not even my siblings. A couple of 0:01:38.160 --> 0:01:40.880 my friends knew. Um that are no longer in my life. Actually, 0:01:41.480 --> 0:01:43.479 and the guy that I was dating at the time, 0:01:43.520 --> 0:01:46.679 which was my first or should I say, like I 0:01:46.720 --> 0:01:49.120 had my boyfriend junr at sixteen, and then him and 0:01:49.160 --> 0:01:51.240 I we broke up, so I guess this would be 0:01:51.240 --> 0:01:54.240 like my second formal boyfriend. I've mentioned him before and 0:01:54.320 --> 0:01:56.919 the reality shows that we've had on I Love Jenny 0:01:57.080 --> 0:01:59.440 on Cheeks and Control all those reality shows. I talked 0:01:59.440 --> 0:02:01.240 about him a little bit because he did play a 0:02:01.320 --> 0:02:03.560 huge part in my life and growing up. His name 0:02:03.680 --> 0:02:07.559 is Hector. He is now married to a wonderful woman 0:02:07.640 --> 0:02:10.760 who I follow on Instagram. She's great. We talk here 0:02:10.800 --> 0:02:13.440 and there. They have three beautiful boys now, and I 0:02:13.480 --> 0:02:15.720 can honestly say that I was the one that ruined 0:02:15.720 --> 0:02:18.080 that relationship. He was a really good guy and I 0:02:18.120 --> 0:02:20.240 just wasn't ready. A lot of people know my mom 0:02:20.240 --> 0:02:22.720 would call him her teddy Bear. So if you guys 0:02:22.760 --> 0:02:25.040 don't know who Hector is, my mom would always say 0:02:25.040 --> 0:02:27.400 her teddy bear. On I love Jenny. So I was 0:02:27.440 --> 0:02:30.840 with him. I was eighteen, about to turn nineteen, and 0:02:30.880 --> 0:02:33.840 we stayed together, I think until I don't know, twenty eleven, 0:02:34.280 --> 0:02:36.360 and things just didn't work out. We tried and we tried, 0:02:36.520 --> 0:02:38.960 and he was actually the first person to ask me 0:02:39.000 --> 0:02:41.960 to marry him, and I canceled the wedding a month before, 0:02:42.000 --> 0:02:44.080 so I think that really just broke his heart. I 0:02:44.160 --> 0:02:45.880 just wasn't ready to leave the nest. I didn't want 0:02:45.880 --> 0:02:47.519 to leave my family, and he was just like, we 0:02:47.560 --> 0:02:49.280 can't live at your mom's house, and I guess we can. 0:02:49.400 --> 0:02:51.280 We can live in my mom's house. And I just 0:02:51.360 --> 0:02:53.440 wasn't ready. I was young, you guys, but that relationship 0:02:53.480 --> 0:02:56.280 really did teach me a lot. Anyways, a shout out 0:02:56.320 --> 0:02:58.079 to him. I'm so happy for him and that he's 0:02:58.080 --> 0:03:02.720 doing well. And I loved his wife. She's awesome. But guys, 0:03:03.760 --> 0:03:07.320 this is the guy that I got pregnant at nineteen, 0:03:07.560 --> 0:03:10.640 and again I never told my mom. I was afraid. 0:03:10.680 --> 0:03:12.200 I was so scared. I didn't know what I was 0:03:12.200 --> 0:03:15.239 gonna do. But before I knew that I was pregnant. 0:03:15.600 --> 0:03:17.800 I was already kind of late, like I think, like 0:03:17.840 --> 0:03:19.720 four days late on my period, and I thought, well, 0:03:19.760 --> 0:03:22.720 I'm pretty regular, you guys, So I'm like, okay, I 0:03:22.720 --> 0:03:24.480 didn't really know it was nineteen. I didn't really talk 0:03:24.480 --> 0:03:26.040 about it too much with my period, Like it was 0:03:26.080 --> 0:03:28.000 like a thing that we didn't talk about in my family, 0:03:28.080 --> 0:03:31.400 like periods and all that stuff and a lot of stuff, 0:03:31.480 --> 0:03:35.400 you know, with my mom. So I didn't really ask questions. 0:03:35.560 --> 0:03:38.680 I was having unprotected sex with him. I had been like, yeah, 0:03:38.720 --> 0:03:40.880 like four days that I had missed my period, and 0:03:41.040 --> 0:03:45.600 I was bringing down from our house in Corona, where 0:03:45.600 --> 0:03:48.920 we lived at the time, and I was bringing some 0:03:49.120 --> 0:03:52.480 dirty laundry from upstairs in a basket and I was 0:03:52.480 --> 0:03:53.960 carrying in front of me, so I couldn't see the 0:03:54.000 --> 0:03:56.400 steps when I was coming down, so I rolled and 0:03:56.400 --> 0:03:58.920 I fell right on my butt. That hurts so bad. 0:03:58.920 --> 0:04:01.240 I'll never forget. I just I'm so glad I didn't 0:04:01.320 --> 0:04:03.760 fall on my face because I could have. Because I didn't. 0:04:03.800 --> 0:04:05.520 I couldn't have. I couldn't hold anything, so I just 0:04:05.600 --> 0:04:07.760 kind of fell on like the last four steps and 0:04:07.800 --> 0:04:10.440 just landed on my butt. I didn't think anything of it. 0:04:10.440 --> 0:04:13.520 I said, okay, I fail whatever, you know, fine. I 0:04:13.560 --> 0:04:16.960 think a week passed by or not even It was 0:04:17.000 --> 0:04:19.240 like three or four days and I took a pregnancy 0:04:19.240 --> 0:04:22.599 test and I was pregnant. Um. I took another one 0:04:22.839 --> 0:04:24.839 and it said positive, and I said, oh my goodness. 0:04:25.000 --> 0:04:28.080 So I said all right, and I told him. I 0:04:28.120 --> 0:04:30.120 was like, so scared. I told him, and he was 0:04:30.160 --> 0:04:33.919 so happy and so excited, and I was scared. I 0:04:33.960 --> 0:04:35.680 was terrified. I was like, what am I going to do? 0:04:36.080 --> 0:04:37.720 I am scared? Or what am I going to tell 0:04:37.760 --> 0:04:39.160 my mom? She's gonna kick me out? And I was 0:04:39.200 --> 0:04:43.520 just so afraid. Anyways, I don't know, but after I 0:04:43.560 --> 0:04:45.960 told him, I want to say a few days later, 0:04:46.000 --> 0:04:47.320 its happened a long time ago, you guys. I don't 0:04:47.320 --> 0:04:49.680 remember exactly everything. But a few days later, I just 0:04:49.720 --> 0:04:53.159 started bleeding crazy. I was thinking of telling my mom 0:04:53.200 --> 0:04:55.440 when she got back from out of town, just tell her, hey, 0:04:55.480 --> 0:04:58.080 I'm pregnant, you know. But I don't know if it 0:04:58.120 --> 0:05:01.240 was the fall, the stress, what happened. But I just 0:05:01.279 --> 0:05:04.520 started bleeding and I bled so much it was crazy. 0:05:04.520 --> 0:05:09.440 It hurt horribly. So I had a miscarriage. Apparently. Again 0:05:09.480 --> 0:05:11.240 I was young. I didn't talk to anybody about it. 0:05:11.279 --> 0:05:15.640 I was afraid, and it just stayed like that, and um, 0:05:15.680 --> 0:05:17.960 of course him and I were sad about it. He 0:05:18.040 --> 0:05:20.600 was very sad about it. We left it at that. 0:05:20.880 --> 0:05:23.160 I never went to the doctor. I never even got 0:05:23.320 --> 0:05:26.159 blood work done to say, oh, yeah, you're pregnant, but 0:05:26.240 --> 0:05:29.480 I took the pregnancy tests that said I was. So 0:05:29.560 --> 0:05:32.080 I'm telling you, when I had that miscarriage, there was 0:05:32.160 --> 0:05:34.040 it was like chunks of blood and it just it 0:05:34.080 --> 0:05:36.800 looked crazy. It was like a heavy, heavy, heavy period, 0:05:37.360 --> 0:05:42.000 very painful. So anyways, that happened, and I remember going 0:05:42.480 --> 0:05:45.240 to build a bear and I got him a gift 0:05:45.560 --> 0:05:49.000 and I got him a little bear and I got 0:05:49.040 --> 0:05:51.480 put a little dress on her. I just in my 0:05:51.520 --> 0:05:53.400 mind thought, okay, it's a girl. I don't know why 0:05:53.440 --> 0:05:54.960 I thought it was a girl. In my mind, we 0:05:55.000 --> 0:05:56.760 made it it was a girl. And we named the 0:05:56.760 --> 0:06:00.440 teddy bear. Genesis had her own little certificate, and I 0:06:00.480 --> 0:06:02.000 gave it to him as a gift as kind of 0:06:02.040 --> 0:06:04.039 like I'm sorry, Like you know, it's just a cute 0:06:04.040 --> 0:06:06.120 little thing that him and I only knew about. No 0:06:06.160 --> 0:06:07.920 one else knew. We never talked about it. I don't 0:06:07.920 --> 0:06:10.839 think he ever told his family. Maybe his mom we told, 0:06:10.839 --> 0:06:14.120 I don't remember. But anyways, so we were gonna name. 0:06:14.240 --> 0:06:16.720 We named the baby that was in heaven Genesis, and 0:06:16.760 --> 0:06:19.120 I always said it was like a girl in my mind. 0:06:20.080 --> 0:06:22.480 So that was that. It was a very difficult time. 0:06:22.800 --> 0:06:26.719 And then I think it was my next period that 0:06:26.920 --> 0:06:29.480 I was having a lot of pain and I felt 0:06:29.560 --> 0:06:31.719 very bloated, and so I went to the doctor. I 0:06:31.720 --> 0:06:35.000 went to actually Planned Parenthood is where I went, and 0:06:35.080 --> 0:06:37.880 they checked me and they said that they needed to 0:06:38.480 --> 0:06:42.839 scrape my uterus, so they put me under to kind 0:06:42.839 --> 0:06:44.320 of clean everything out. They said that I did and 0:06:44.440 --> 0:06:45.880 I should have gone to the hospital if I had 0:06:45.920 --> 0:06:47.760 a miscarriage, and you know, and I just didn't know 0:06:47.800 --> 0:06:50.000 what to do. So they had to put me under 0:06:50.040 --> 0:06:52.919 and just scrape everything. Scraped my uterus. I don't know 0:06:52.960 --> 0:06:56.039 what it's called. I never felt anything. He picked me 0:06:56.120 --> 0:06:58.360 up again. We never talked about it. They gave me 0:06:58.400 --> 0:07:01.279 pain meds and then I was fine. I was regular, 0:07:01.480 --> 0:07:05.599 and I've been regular since. But I don't know. I 0:07:05.640 --> 0:07:08.640 think now I'm at a different point in my life, 0:07:08.640 --> 0:07:11.120 and I feel I'm a woman now and there are 0:07:11.120 --> 0:07:13.680 certain things that I would want to be honest about, 0:07:13.840 --> 0:07:16.320 especially something like this. It's so delicate, so personal, and 0:07:16.360 --> 0:07:19.040 I never had the chance to tell my mom. But 0:07:19.160 --> 0:07:21.480 I can help other people, other young ladies that perhaps 0:07:21.520 --> 0:07:23.760 are having miscarriages or don't know what to do or 0:07:23.840 --> 0:07:26.480 too scared. And it's important because it can really affect you. 0:07:26.520 --> 0:07:29.280 If you don't get the right medication to clean your 0:07:29.280 --> 0:07:32.400 body out your uterus, it could really cause a deadly 0:07:32.440 --> 0:07:35.040 infection in your uterus and and causing your ovaries and 0:07:35.040 --> 0:07:37.200 things like that. So that's why I decided to talk 0:07:37.200 --> 0:07:40.360 about it, and something that I haven't talked to Hector 0:07:40.360 --> 0:07:42.320 about it, and I don't know. I mean, it's also 0:07:42.360 --> 0:07:44.680 his story to tell, so I feel kind of bad 0:07:44.760 --> 0:07:47.280 talking about it. But I'm sure he'll understand. He's in 0:07:47.280 --> 0:07:49.560 a much better place now and I'm happy for him, 0:07:49.560 --> 0:07:52.120 so hopefully he doesn't mind. But that is a story 0:07:52.160 --> 0:07:55.920 with my little baby angel Genesis that I call her. 0:08:03.040 --> 0:08:05.840 So I didn't tell my mom, and I didn't tell 0:08:05.880 --> 0:08:07.600 her because I didn't have the chance to tell her 0:08:07.600 --> 0:08:10.640 because then I had the miscarriage and I could have 0:08:10.720 --> 0:08:12.800 told her after the miscarriage. But then I'm like, well, 0:08:12.840 --> 0:08:14.120 for what what if she gets mad and then she 0:08:14.160 --> 0:08:16.040 gets double mad. I don't know, you know, I don't know. 0:08:16.120 --> 0:08:18.680 I was thinking so many things. But the reason I 0:08:18.680 --> 0:08:21.480 didn't tell her was because I also felt like, what 0:08:21.560 --> 0:08:24.080 if I let her down? She really needed me at 0:08:24.120 --> 0:08:26.920 that time, and she loved Hector and she knew Hector 0:08:26.920 --> 0:08:28.960 would take care of me. But I don't know. I 0:08:29.000 --> 0:08:30.880 was just afraid. And then after it happened and I 0:08:30.880 --> 0:08:33.360 saw how happy he was, then I thought, Okay, well 0:08:33.360 --> 0:08:35.520 maybe it'll be okay. Maybe he could tell her. You know, 0:08:36.360 --> 0:08:38.840 I think she would have been initially kind of shocked 0:08:38.840 --> 0:08:40.640 and kind of like stressed out, like oh gosh, like 0:08:40.880 --> 0:08:43.040 you're in my right hand, like what what are we 0:08:43.040 --> 0:08:44.560 going to do? But we would have figured it out. 0:08:45.160 --> 0:08:47.600 And really, when I knew she would have been fine 0:08:47.600 --> 0:08:50.280 with it was when Jackie came home pregnant. She was 0:08:50.280 --> 0:08:53.160 about what nineteen years or something like that, and she 0:08:53.200 --> 0:08:55.920 came and my mom was happy. She was just ecstatic, 0:08:56.080 --> 0:08:57.520 like it was just like, oh my god. Yes. I 0:08:57.520 --> 0:08:59.720 don't know if she was just more ready or she 0:08:59.800 --> 0:09:03.360 kind have expected it from Jackie more. But when I 0:09:03.400 --> 0:09:05.559 helped Jackie tell my mom, and my mom was so 0:09:05.600 --> 0:09:07.199 happy about it. I said, oh, wow, would have it 0:09:07.200 --> 0:09:08.640 would have been the same thing it should have been. 0:09:08.640 --> 0:09:09.920 It would have been cool. Or should I tell her? 0:09:09.960 --> 0:09:11.960 I even thought, should I tell her about the miscarriage now? 0:09:12.360 --> 0:09:15.000 But I didn't. I was just, again, always very like 0:09:15.880 --> 0:09:18.360 seeking my mom's approval. I never wanted to disappoint her. 0:09:18.559 --> 0:09:19.720 I didn't want her to be like, well, why are 0:09:19.760 --> 0:09:21.320 you telling me now? And why didn't you tell me then? 0:09:21.360 --> 0:09:22.600 You know? So I just said I'm just gonna stay 0:09:22.679 --> 0:09:24.880 quiet and stay quiet about it. But I think she 0:09:24.880 --> 0:09:27.680 would have reacted happy. Um. She was such a great grandma. 0:09:28.240 --> 0:09:30.720 She loved Jayla and Luna so much. She didn't spend 0:09:30.720 --> 0:09:33.040 that much time with with Luna. Luna was weeks old 0:09:33.080 --> 0:09:36.040 when she passed, but she was in love. I remember 0:09:36.040 --> 0:09:38.400 her telling me one day, I'm so sorry. I thought 0:09:38.480 --> 0:09:40.800 I knew what love was with you guys, my children, 0:09:40.840 --> 0:09:43.280 but it does not compare with the love that I 0:09:43.280 --> 0:09:46.480 feel for my granddaughters. Like it's just this other love. 0:09:47.040 --> 0:09:50.200 So I would always think Dane, like I would have 0:09:50.240 --> 0:09:53.000 a baby right now, you know, how would she be? 0:09:53.400 --> 0:09:56.160 And and and even when she passed that that's another 0:09:56.200 --> 0:09:58.559 time when it came up, this whole thing how old 0:09:58.559 --> 0:10:00.440 would would my daughter be or my child I would be, 0:10:00.520 --> 0:10:02.080 you know, and and she would have seen one of 0:10:02.080 --> 0:10:04.839 my kids, you know. I it just certain times it 0:10:04.880 --> 0:10:08.000 would come up and they would go away. And I 0:10:08.080 --> 0:10:10.160 was another reason why I said, after my mom passed, 0:10:10.200 --> 0:10:11.840 I'm not going to have kids, because she wasn't going 0:10:11.880 --> 0:10:13.560 to be able to be there holding my hand like 0:10:13.600 --> 0:10:15.920 she was with Jackie while she was having her baby. 0:10:16.080 --> 0:10:18.640 So then I saw Jackie pop out three more and 0:10:18.679 --> 0:10:21.760 I said, Okay, it'll be fine, she's strong. I'll have Jackie. 0:10:21.760 --> 0:10:25.080 They're holding my hand when I have babies. So anyhow, 0:10:25.280 --> 0:10:27.440 I think the only person I ever told from my 0:10:27.480 --> 0:10:32.200 family was my thea Brenda, my theo Juan's wife told 0:10:32.200 --> 0:10:36.480 her years ago, and she is such a good secret 0:10:36.559 --> 0:10:39.160 keeper because she never I don't even think told my 0:10:39.240 --> 0:10:42.240 uncle told anybody. I never heard about it. Again. That's 0:10:42.240 --> 0:10:44.200 the only person in my family actually that I told. 0:10:44.280 --> 0:10:45.840 And she just hugged me and she said that she 0:10:45.920 --> 0:10:50.400 understood that she was there for me. During that time, 0:10:50.720 --> 0:10:54.240 I was working with my mom and I was helping 0:10:54.240 --> 0:10:56.360 her with my siblings and the house and the bills 0:10:56.400 --> 0:10:59.480 and all that stuff. I've said this before, but some 0:10:59.559 --> 0:11:01.480 of you may know this, but my plan after high 0:11:01.520 --> 0:11:04.520 school was I'm going to the Air Force. I'm going 0:11:04.559 --> 0:11:07.560 to shave my head, and I am going to use 0:11:07.559 --> 0:11:09.559 the Air Force to figure out what I want to do. 0:11:09.640 --> 0:11:12.560 Because the Air Force, after you're they're serving for four years, 0:11:12.640 --> 0:11:15.079 then they give you and they pay for your college education. 0:11:15.160 --> 0:11:17.040 So my thing was, let me not to figure out 0:11:17.080 --> 0:11:19.120 if I want to be a psychologist, what do I 0:11:19.120 --> 0:11:22.320 want to do. So that was my plan, and that 0:11:22.360 --> 0:11:27.719 plan was dismissed because my mom, unfortunately or fortunately, I 0:11:27.720 --> 0:11:29.560 don't know whatever, you know, she's not here to say, 0:11:29.600 --> 0:11:33.920 but she got divorced from Juan Lopez, which is Johnny 0:11:33.960 --> 0:11:37.480 and Jensica's dad, and she said I need you, I 0:11:37.520 --> 0:11:39.040 need you, and I need you to help me with 0:11:39.040 --> 0:11:41.440 the kids. And her career was on the rise and 0:11:41.520 --> 0:11:44.400 she was doing so well. So she said that plan 0:11:44.440 --> 0:11:46.600 that you have to go to the Air Force. I'm sorry, 0:11:46.640 --> 0:11:49.680 but I need you. So I didn't go. And I 0:11:49.720 --> 0:11:54.040 had already spoken to that particular branch at school and everything. 0:11:54.160 --> 0:11:56.800 I had talked to my counselor, and so I had 0:11:56.800 --> 0:11:59.800 to say that I wasn't gonna go anymore. And I 0:12:00.000 --> 0:12:02.240 after high school, I went straight into helping my mom 0:12:02.480 --> 0:12:05.840 with her enterprises and helping her with the perfume and 0:12:05.880 --> 0:12:08.840 everything that we did together, anything and everything she taught me. 0:12:08.880 --> 0:12:12.160 I went to the University of Jenny Rivera or should 0:12:12.160 --> 0:12:15.080 I say University of Hard Knock Life, and my professor 0:12:15.080 --> 0:12:18.080 was Jenny Rivera, so she taught me anything and everything 0:12:18.120 --> 0:12:20.040 that I know and how to take care of a 0:12:20.120 --> 0:12:21.960 household and take care of children. I mean, I had 0:12:22.040 --> 0:12:23.920 been take care of my siblings since I was ten 0:12:24.000 --> 0:12:26.599 years old, but really when I graduated high school and 0:12:26.600 --> 0:12:28.280 then it became a job and I started getting paid 0:12:28.320 --> 0:12:30.440 for it, I was a little bit of everything. I 0:12:30.480 --> 0:12:33.360 was her assistant. I did her hair sometimes, I was 0:12:33.400 --> 0:12:37.520 her personal shopper. I did everything because during that time, 0:12:37.600 --> 0:12:40.680 she was coming up. So we had helped. My dear Brenda, 0:12:40.840 --> 0:12:43.280 That's why I told her, because she was the closest 0:12:43.280 --> 0:12:45.200 to me at the time. She was working for my 0:12:45.280 --> 0:12:49.640 mom as her secretary, so she helped. But in reality, 0:12:49.640 --> 0:12:51.400 it was a mom and I during that time, and 0:12:51.520 --> 0:12:53.480 she was going through a horrible divorce and she was 0:12:53.600 --> 0:12:56.199 very sad, and I had to help with Johnny, who 0:12:56.240 --> 0:12:59.600 was a baby. So in reality, Johnny is my child. 0:12:59.679 --> 0:13:01.760 You got is my mom said, it's six months, here's 0:13:01.800 --> 0:13:04.520 your kid. I gotta go work. So I was the 0:13:04.559 --> 0:13:07.439 one that winged Johnny off, his off, his bottle, off 0:13:07.440 --> 0:13:11.120 his Troop one pacifier, took him to school. I mean, 0:13:11.160 --> 0:13:13.679 he was my kid, you guys, him and Jessica. So 0:13:14.360 --> 0:13:16.400 I had a lot of responsibility during that time. But 0:13:16.440 --> 0:13:18.760 I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't change it for the world. 0:13:19.160 --> 0:13:20.480 For a long time, like I said, I was sad 0:13:20.480 --> 0:13:23.360 about the miscarriage. I felt like something was wrong with 0:13:23.400 --> 0:13:26.280 my body, something was wrong with me. But I learned 0:13:26.360 --> 0:13:29.680 to say, you know what, God knows why he does things, 0:13:30.320 --> 0:13:33.480 and we may not understand them at the moment, and 0:13:33.559 --> 0:13:36.880 we may even question him, but he always knows why. 0:13:37.559 --> 0:13:39.200 I don't know what it would have been like to 0:13:39.240 --> 0:13:42.440 have a child and also raising Johnny at the same time, 0:13:42.480 --> 0:13:44.680 and my mom really needed me, and you know, she 0:13:44.760 --> 0:13:47.040 had just gotten divorced. So it's just then I started 0:13:47.080 --> 0:13:53.520 thinking like, okay, when a Kistamo's And for a long time, 0:13:53.520 --> 0:13:56.080 it did change my perspective on having children. I thought like, 0:13:56.080 --> 0:13:58.559 oh my goodness, if this is painful, I don't even 0:13:58.600 --> 0:14:00.280 know what it's like to have a child to your 0:14:00.320 --> 0:14:03.080 vagina you know. So I was like, I don't know 0:14:03.120 --> 0:14:05.000 if I want to go through that. And for a 0:14:05.000 --> 0:14:07.840 long time, actually t m I, but I didn't have 0:14:07.960 --> 0:14:10.600 sex with him for a while after that because I 0:14:10.640 --> 0:14:12.600 was so traumatized. I said, oh my gosh, no, I 0:14:12.600 --> 0:14:14.400 don't want to even take the chance of getting pregnant. 0:14:14.480 --> 0:14:16.480 Was so painful. It was so heartbreaking, you know, and 0:14:16.520 --> 0:14:18.400 I felt for him that I had let him down. 0:14:18.880 --> 0:14:21.000 So he understood. He was so patient and he was 0:14:21.040 --> 0:14:24.400 just like, don't worry about it. So yeah, in that part, 0:14:25.000 --> 0:14:27.640 he was very patient because I was a hot mess 0:14:27.960 --> 0:14:30.640 during that time. The crazy thing is that Hector and 0:14:30.680 --> 0:14:33.720 I had kind of calculated to that, I remember her 0:14:33.760 --> 0:14:36.240 name was Genesis, that her birthday was going to be 0:14:36.280 --> 0:14:38.760 sometime in December. So for a long time, for I 0:14:38.800 --> 0:14:41.520 think like a couple of years, him and I secretly 0:14:41.680 --> 0:14:45.000 and quietly celebrated her birthday with the cute little teddy bear. 0:14:45.040 --> 0:14:46.840 I know where the teddy bear is now, that's so crazy, 0:14:46.840 --> 0:14:48.560 I'm thinking about him. I had a cute little dress, 0:14:48.880 --> 0:14:52.040 a pink little dress, and we would celebrate her birthday 0:14:52.080 --> 0:14:54.040 because we thought, okay, if we calculate right, it would 0:14:54.080 --> 0:14:57.880 be born in December. So the first year, we got 0:14:57.920 --> 0:15:00.520 a little cake and we blew out the handles and 0:15:00.520 --> 0:15:02.480 said happy Birthday, and we had a little teddy bear there. 0:15:03.000 --> 0:15:04.920 And then after that it was just we would spend 0:15:04.920 --> 0:15:06.760 time together and just kind of mention it, like, oh, 0:15:06.760 --> 0:15:08.440 she would probably be born around this time. There was 0:15:08.480 --> 0:15:12.040 never like really a specific day. I just always thought, okay, 0:15:12.040 --> 0:15:15.000 like it's somewhere in the middle of December, and we 0:15:15.000 --> 0:15:17.240 would just kind of just mention her and look at 0:15:17.240 --> 0:15:20.080 the sky and hold her. And now I really want 0:15:20.120 --> 0:15:22.280 to know where she's at. Darn it. I'm like, I 0:15:22.280 --> 0:15:25.600 wonder where she is. She's probably my storage somewhere. But yeah, 0:15:25.680 --> 0:15:27.240 we did that for a few years, and then after 0:15:27.280 --> 0:15:28.760 we kind of just said, okay, it's time to just 0:15:28.840 --> 0:15:31.480 let that rest because it was really affecting me emotionally. 0:15:32.280 --> 0:15:35.360 So I'm just remembering all these things. It's crazy because 0:15:35.360 --> 0:15:38.680 I'm going back and I really hope that this conversation 0:15:38.760 --> 0:15:41.120 doesn't affect his relationship in any way, which it shouldn't, 0:15:41.160 --> 0:15:43.040 you know, because again, that happened a long time ago. 0:15:43.200 --> 0:15:45.400 But yeah, it's kind of cool to go back and 0:15:45.440 --> 0:15:48.440 remember those things and those nice moments that we lived 0:15:48.440 --> 0:15:51.520 and stuff, you know. Because I'm really grateful for him 0:15:51.560 --> 0:15:54.040 and for his family. And I still have contact with 0:15:54.080 --> 0:15:56.400 his sister, which is Michael More because him and I 0:15:56.640 --> 0:15:59.480 um we baptized her son, so we have a god 0:15:59.520 --> 0:16:01.560 son together there. Him and I haven't spoken in years. 0:16:01.920 --> 0:16:04.600 I think the last time we spoke was when my 0:16:04.640 --> 0:16:07.120 mom passed. He was there with my whole family helping us, 0:16:07.120 --> 0:16:09.040 and I think he was already dating his girlfriend that's 0:16:09.040 --> 0:16:11.400 now his wife, and he was really nice, and you know, 0:16:11.440 --> 0:16:13.840 my whole family loves him. That's the last time I 0:16:13.840 --> 0:16:15.480 think I ever spoke to him or saw him. But 0:16:15.760 --> 0:16:17.520 I keep it cool if I see his mom, his mom, 0:16:18.040 --> 0:16:21.320 his family, all of them played a huge role in 0:16:21.360 --> 0:16:24.240 my life, and I'm so greatful. We were together about 0:16:24.280 --> 0:16:26.520 four years, four and a half years. So I just 0:16:26.520 --> 0:16:29.520 wanted to share this guy's ladies, if you have gone 0:16:29.520 --> 0:16:32.120 through it, if you're going through it, speak to someone 0:16:32.280 --> 0:16:34.240 a therapist. It doesn't have to be a family member, 0:16:34.240 --> 0:16:35.760 it doesn't have to even be a friend. If you 0:16:35.760 --> 0:16:37.440 don't want to tell people, it's just it's important to 0:16:37.480 --> 0:16:40.520 talk about and let these feelings out. I highly suggest 0:16:40.600 --> 0:16:44.680 it because you can really go into a dark hole thinking, 0:16:44.760 --> 0:16:46.880 oh my gosh, something's wrong with me and I can't 0:16:46.920 --> 0:16:49.840 give my person a baby and all this stuff because 0:16:49.880 --> 0:16:52.680 even though at that time I wasn't necessarily ready, I 0:16:52.760 --> 0:16:55.640 just knew, Okay, well it's happening, and I love this 0:16:55.720 --> 0:16:58.480 guy and he really wants a baby. I know my 0:16:58.480 --> 0:17:00.800 mom might be a little upset, but it is what 0:17:00.920 --> 0:17:03.400 it is. And I was kind of already getting ready 0:17:03.400 --> 0:17:05.399 to have the baby. But then when it happened and 0:17:05.400 --> 0:17:07.600 it was taken from me and I had the miscarriage, 0:17:08.000 --> 0:17:09.800 then I was like, oh my gosh. I went into 0:17:09.800 --> 0:17:11.919 like a depression of like, oh my gosh, what is 0:17:11.920 --> 0:17:13.600 wrong with me? Because he was really sad, and I'm 0:17:13.640 --> 0:17:15.679 like I let him down and my body is not 0:17:15.760 --> 0:17:18.439 right and what's going on? And then I don't know. 0:17:18.560 --> 0:17:20.840 My doctor when I went to go get that procedure done, 0:17:20.920 --> 0:17:23.080 said that fall could have something to do with it. 0:17:23.320 --> 0:17:25.840 We don't know. It's just sometimes it just happens. It's 0:17:25.840 --> 0:17:28.520 not something that you're necessarily doing wrong. I even asked, 0:17:28.560 --> 0:17:31.080 am I eating something that I'm not supposed to eat? Like, no, 0:17:31.440 --> 0:17:34.960 it's just sometimes your body doesn't hold the egg and 0:17:35.000 --> 0:17:37.280 it just comes out. And and she helped me with 0:17:37.560 --> 0:17:40.639 making me realize it was probably like three weeks something 0:17:40.680 --> 0:17:43.760 like that. I remember three or four weeks something like that. Pregnant. 0:17:44.160 --> 0:17:46.760 She says, not even a baby yet, it's not even formed. 0:17:46.880 --> 0:17:48.920 It's it's a little bitsy bitty little seed. So don't 0:17:48.920 --> 0:17:51.320 feel bad that you lost it. Like it's like, I'm like, well, 0:17:51.480 --> 0:17:53.520 but I was. I was really sad about it, guys. 0:17:53.760 --> 0:17:57.240 It really didn't affect me. So anyways, ladies, talk to someone, 0:17:57.480 --> 0:18:01.560 don't be shy, get some therapy, and it'll help a lot. 0:18:08.520 --> 0:18:11.920 Talking about it now is very healing for me because 0:18:12.080 --> 0:18:14.480 it's something that I just kept deep, deep, deep inside 0:18:14.600 --> 0:18:17.560 my heart for so long because a part of me 0:18:17.680 --> 0:18:21.560 felt ashamed, felt like did I do something wrong? What's 0:18:21.560 --> 0:18:24.119 wrong with my body? I thought like maybe I can't 0:18:24.160 --> 0:18:26.720 have kids, and then I kind of left it alone 0:18:26.760 --> 0:18:28.720