Speaker 1: I just in my mind thought, okay, it's a girl.
Speaker 1: I don't know why I thought it was a girl
Speaker 1: in my mind. We made it. It It was a girl,
Speaker 1: and we named the Teddy Bear Genesis. Again. I never
Speaker 1: told my mom. I was afraid. I was so scared.
Speaker 1: I don't know what I was gonna do. I don't
Speaker 1: know what it would have been like to have a
Speaker 1: child and also raising Johnny at the same time, and
Speaker 1: my mom really needed me. And Welcome to another episode
Speaker 1: of cheek Ease and Chill. I'm your host cheek Ease,
Speaker 1: and I'm so happy you're here. Thank you so much
Speaker 1: for listening. I hope you all had a great weekend.
Speaker 1: Today's topic is going to be a little heavy, and
Speaker 1: it's something I haven't talked about in depth and I
Speaker 1: never thought I was going to. But this is a
Speaker 1: space that I feel safest. So let's go and jump
Speaker 1: into this episode of chick Ease and Chill. So, guys, today,
Speaker 1: I'm going to share something extremely personal. I never thought
Speaker 1: i'd share this, but I feel now is the time
Speaker 1: to do it, especially because I mentioned a little bit
Speaker 1: about it in one of my episodes, and of course
Speaker 1: the media they go ahead and turn things around and
Speaker 1: it got from a miscarriage into an abortion, which was
Speaker 1: not the case. So I did have a miscarriage when
Speaker 1: I was nineteen years old, So my mom did not
Speaker 1: know about this. A lot of my family didn't know
Speaker 1: about this, and not even my siblings. A couple of
Speaker 1: my friends knew. Um that are no longer in my life. Actually,
Speaker 1: and the guy that I was dating at the time,
Speaker 1: which was my first or should I say, like I
Speaker 1: had my boyfriend junr at sixteen, and then him and
Speaker 1: I we broke up, so I guess this would be
Speaker 1: like my second formal boyfriend. I've mentioned him before and
Speaker 1: the reality shows that we've had on I Love Jenny
Speaker 1: on Cheeks and Control all those reality shows. I talked
Speaker 1: about him a little bit because he did play a
Speaker 1: huge part in my life and growing up. His name
Speaker 1: is Hector. He is now married to a wonderful woman
Speaker 1: who I follow on Instagram. She's great. We talk here
Speaker 1: and there. They have three beautiful boys now, and I
Speaker 1: can honestly say that I was the one that ruined
Speaker 1: that relationship. He was a really good guy and I
Speaker 1: just wasn't ready. A lot of people know my mom
Speaker 1: would call him her teddy Bear. So if you guys
Speaker 1: don't know who Hector is, my mom would always say
Speaker 1: her teddy bear. On I love Jenny. So I was
Speaker 1: with him. I was eighteen, about to turn nineteen, and
Speaker 1: we stayed together, I think until I don't know, twenty eleven,
Speaker 1: and things just didn't work out. We tried and we tried,
Speaker 1: and he was actually the first person to ask me
Speaker 1: to marry him, and I canceled the wedding a month before,
Speaker 1: so I think that really just broke his heart. I
Speaker 1: just wasn't ready to leave the nest. I didn't want
Speaker 1: to leave my family, and he was just like, we
Speaker 1: can't live at your mom's house, and I guess we can.
Speaker 1: We can live in my mom's house. And I just
Speaker 1: wasn't ready. I was young, you guys, but that relationship
Speaker 1: really did teach me a lot. Anyways, a shout out
Speaker 1: to him. I'm so happy for him and that he's
Speaker 1: doing well. And I loved his wife. She's awesome. But guys,
Speaker 1: this is the guy that I got pregnant at nineteen,
Speaker 1: and again I never told my mom. I was afraid.
Speaker 1: I was so scared. I didn't know what I was
Speaker 1: gonna do. But before I knew that I was pregnant.
Speaker 1: I was already kind of late, like I think, like
Speaker 1: four days late on my period, and I thought, well,
Speaker 1: I'm pretty regular, you guys, So I'm like, okay, I
Speaker 1: didn't really know it was nineteen. I didn't really talk
Speaker 1: about it too much with my period, Like it was
Speaker 1: like a thing that we didn't talk about in my family,
Speaker 1: like periods and all that stuff and a lot of stuff,
Speaker 1: you know, with my mom. So I didn't really ask questions.
Speaker 1: I was having unprotected sex with him. I had been like, yeah,
Speaker 1: like four days that I had missed my period, and
Speaker 1: I was bringing down from our house in Corona, where
Speaker 1: we lived at the time, and I was bringing some
Speaker 1: dirty laundry from upstairs in a basket and I was
Speaker 1: carrying in front of me, so I couldn't see the
Speaker 1: steps when I was coming down, so I rolled and
Speaker 1: I fell right on my butt. That hurts so bad.
Speaker 1: I'll never forget. I just I'm so glad I didn't
Speaker 1: fall on my face because I could have. Because I didn't.
Speaker 1: I couldn't have. I couldn't hold anything, so I just
Speaker 1: kind of fell on like the last four steps and
Speaker 1: just landed on my butt. I didn't think anything of it.
Speaker 1: I said, okay, I fail whatever, you know, fine. I
Speaker 1: think a week passed by or not even It was
Speaker 1: like three or four days and I took a pregnancy
Speaker 1: test and I was pregnant. Um. I took another one
Speaker 1: and it said positive, and I said, oh my goodness.
Speaker 1: So I said all right, and I told him. I
Speaker 1: was like, so scared. I told him, and he was
Speaker 1: so happy and so excited, and I was scared. I
Speaker 1: was terrified. I was like, what am I going to do?
Speaker 1: I am scared? Or what am I going to tell
Speaker 1: my mom? She's gonna kick me out? And I was
Speaker 1: just so afraid. Anyways, I don't know, but after I
Speaker 1: told him, I want to say a few days later,
Speaker 1: its happened a long time ago, you guys. I don't
Speaker 1: remember exactly everything. But a few days later, I just
Speaker 1: started bleeding crazy. I was thinking of telling my mom
Speaker 1: when she got back from out of town, just tell her, hey,
Speaker 1: I'm pregnant, you know. But I don't know if it
Speaker 1: was the fall, the stress, what happened. But I just
Speaker 1: started bleeding and I bled so much it was crazy.
Speaker 1: It hurt horribly. So I had a miscarriage. Apparently. Again
Speaker 1: I was young. I didn't talk to anybody about it.
Speaker 1: I was afraid, and it just stayed like that, and um,
Speaker 1: of course him and I were sad about it. He
Speaker 1: was very sad about it. We left it at that.
Speaker 1: I never went to the doctor. I never even got
Speaker 1: blood work done to say, oh, yeah, you're pregnant, but
Speaker 1: I took the pregnancy tests that said I was. So
Speaker 1: I'm telling you, when I had that miscarriage, there was
Speaker 1: it was like chunks of blood and it just it
Speaker 1: looked crazy. It was like a heavy, heavy, heavy period,
Speaker 1: very painful. So anyways, that happened, and I remember going
Speaker 1: to build a bear and I got him a gift
Speaker 1: and I got him a little bear and I got
Speaker 1: put a little dress on her. I just in my
Speaker 1: mind thought, okay, it's a girl. I don't know why
Speaker 1: I thought it was a girl. In my mind, we
Speaker 1: made it it was a girl. And we named the
Speaker 1: teddy bear. Genesis had her own little certificate, and I
Speaker 1: gave it to him as a gift as kind of
Speaker 1: like I'm sorry, Like you know, it's just a cute
Speaker 1: little thing that him and I only knew about. No
Speaker 1: one else knew. We never talked about it. I don't
Speaker 1: think he ever told his family. Maybe his mom we told,
Speaker 1: I don't remember. But anyways, so we were gonna name.
Speaker 1: We named the baby that was in heaven Genesis, and
Speaker 1: I always said it was like a girl in my mind.
Speaker 1: So that was that. It was a very difficult time.
Speaker 1: And then I think it was my next period that
Speaker 1: I was having a lot of pain and I felt
Speaker 1: very bloated, and so I went to the doctor. I
Speaker 1: went to actually Planned Parenthood is where I went, and
Speaker 1: they checked me and they said that they needed to
Speaker 1: scrape my uterus, so they put me under to kind
Speaker 1: of clean everything out. They said that I did and
Speaker 1: I should have gone to the hospital if I had
Speaker 1: a miscarriage, and you know, and I just didn't know
Speaker 1: what to do. So they had to put me under
Speaker 1: and just scrape everything. Scraped my uterus. I don't know
Speaker 1: what it's called. I never felt anything. He picked me
Speaker 1: up again. We never talked about it. They gave me
Speaker 1: pain meds and then I was fine. I was regular,
Speaker 1: and I've been regular since. But I don't know. I
Speaker 1: think now I'm at a different point in my life,
Speaker 1: and I feel I'm a woman now and there are
Speaker 1: certain things that I would want to be honest about,
Speaker 1: especially something like this. It's so delicate, so personal, and
Speaker 1: I never had the chance to tell my mom. But
Speaker 1: I can help other people, other young ladies that perhaps
Speaker 1: are having miscarriages or don't know what to do or
Speaker 1: too scared. And it's important because it can really affect you.
Speaker 1: If you don't get the right medication to clean your
Speaker 1: body out your uterus, it could really cause a deadly
Speaker 1: infection in your uterus and and causing your ovaries and
Speaker 1: things like that. So that's why I decided to talk
Speaker 1: about it, and something that I haven't talked to Hector
Speaker 1: about it, and I don't know. I mean, it's also
Speaker 1: his story to tell, so I feel kind of bad
Speaker 1: talking about it. But I'm sure he'll understand. He's in
Speaker 1: a much better place now and I'm happy for him,
Speaker 1: so hopefully he doesn't mind. But that is a story
Speaker 1: with my little baby angel Genesis that I call her.
Speaker 1: So I didn't tell my mom, and I didn't tell
Speaker 1: her because I didn't have the chance to tell her
Speaker 1: because then I had the miscarriage and I could have
Speaker 1: told her after the miscarriage. But then I'm like, well,
Speaker 1: for what what if she gets mad and then she
Speaker 1: gets double mad. I don't know, you know, I don't know.
Speaker 1: I was thinking so many things. But the reason I
Speaker 1: didn't tell her was because I also felt like, what
Speaker 1: if I let her down? She really needed me at
Speaker 1: that time, and she loved Hector and she knew Hector
Speaker 1: would take care of me. But I don't know. I
Speaker 1: was just afraid. And then after it happened and I
Speaker 1: saw how happy he was, then I thought, Okay, well
Speaker 1: maybe it'll be okay. Maybe he could tell her. You know,
Speaker 1: I think she would have been initially kind of shocked
Speaker 1: and kind of like stressed out, like oh gosh, like
Speaker 1: you're in my right hand, like what what are we
Speaker 1: going to do? But we would have figured it out.
Speaker 1: And really, when I knew she would have been fine
Speaker 1: with it was when Jackie came home pregnant. She was
Speaker 1: about what nineteen years or something like that, and she
Speaker 1: came and my mom was happy. She was just ecstatic,
Speaker 1: like it was just like, oh my god. Yes. I
Speaker 1: don't know if she was just more ready or she
Speaker 1: kind have expected it from Jackie more. But when I
Speaker 1: helped Jackie tell my mom, and my mom was so
Speaker 1: happy about it. I said, oh, wow, would have it
Speaker 1: would have been the same thing it should have been.
Speaker 1: It would have been cool. Or should I tell her?
Speaker 1: I even thought, should I tell her about the miscarriage now?
Speaker 1: But I didn't. I was just, again, always very like
Speaker 1: seeking my mom's approval. I never wanted to disappoint her.
Speaker 1: I didn't want her to be like, well, why are
Speaker 1: you telling me now? And why didn't you tell me then?
Speaker 1: You know? So I just said I'm just gonna stay
Speaker 1: quiet and stay quiet about it. But I think she
Speaker 1: would have reacted happy. Um. She was such a great grandma.
Speaker 1: She loved Jayla and Luna so much. She didn't spend
Speaker 1: that much time with with Luna. Luna was weeks old
Speaker 1: when she passed, but she was in love. I remember
Speaker 1: her telling me one day, I'm so sorry. I thought
Speaker 1: I knew what love was with you guys, my children,
Speaker 1: but it does not compare with the love that I
Speaker 1: feel for my granddaughters. Like it's just this other love.
Speaker 1: So I would always think Dane, like I would have
Speaker 1: a baby right now, you know, how would she be?
Speaker 1: And and and even when she passed that that's another
Speaker 1: time when it came up, this whole thing how old
Speaker 1: would would my daughter be or my child I would be,
Speaker 1: you know, and and she would have seen one of
Speaker 1: my kids, you know. I it just certain times it
Speaker 1: would come up and they would go away. And I
Speaker 1: was another reason why I said, after my mom passed,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to have kids, because she wasn't going
Speaker 1: to be able to be there holding my hand like
Speaker 1: she was with Jackie while she was having her baby.
Speaker 1: So then I saw Jackie pop out three more and
Speaker 1: I said, Okay, it'll be fine, she's strong. I'll have Jackie.
Speaker 1: They're holding my hand when I have babies. So anyhow,
Speaker 1: I think the only person I ever told from my
Speaker 1: family was my thea Brenda, my theo Juan's wife told
Speaker 1: her years ago, and she is such a good secret
Speaker 1: keeper because she never I don't even think told my
Speaker 1: uncle told anybody. I never heard about it. Again. That's
Speaker 1: the only person in my family actually that I told.
Speaker 1: And she just hugged me and she said that she
Speaker 1: understood that she was there for me. During that time,
Speaker 1: I was working with my mom and I was helping
Speaker 1: her with my siblings and the house and the bills
Speaker 1: and all that stuff. I've said this before, but some
Speaker 1: of you may know this, but my plan after high
Speaker 1: school was I'm going to the Air Force. I'm going
Speaker 1: to shave my head, and I am going to use
Speaker 1: the Air Force to figure out what I want to do.
Speaker 1: Because the Air Force, after you're they're serving for four years,
Speaker 1: then they give you and they pay for your college education.
Speaker 1: So my thing was, let me not to figure out
Speaker 1: if I want to be a psychologist, what do I
Speaker 1: want to do. So that was my plan, and that
Speaker 1: plan was dismissed because my mom, unfortunately or fortunately, I
Speaker 1: don't know whatever, you know, she's not here to say,
Speaker 1: but she got divorced from Juan Lopez, which is Johnny
Speaker 1: and Jensica's dad, and she said I need you, I
Speaker 1: need you, and I need you to help me with
Speaker 1: the kids. And her career was on the rise and
Speaker 1: she was doing so well. So she said that plan
Speaker 1: that you have to go to the Air Force. I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: but I need you. So I didn't go. And I
Speaker 1: had already spoken to that particular branch at school and everything.
Speaker 1: I had talked to my counselor, and so I had
Speaker 1: to say that I wasn't gonna go anymore. And I
Speaker 1: after high school, I went straight into helping my mom
Speaker 1: with her enterprises and helping her with the perfume and
Speaker 1: everything that we did together, anything and everything she taught me.
Speaker 1: I went to the University of Jenny Rivera or should
Speaker 1: I say University of Hard Knock Life, and my professor
Speaker 1: was Jenny Rivera, so she taught me anything and everything
Speaker 1: that I know and how to take care of a
Speaker 1: household and take care of children. I mean, I had
Speaker 1: been take care of my siblings since I was ten
Speaker 1: years old, but really when I graduated high school and
Speaker 1: then it became a job and I started getting paid
Speaker 1: for it, I was a little bit of everything. I
Speaker 1: was her assistant. I did her hair sometimes, I was
Speaker 1: her personal shopper. I did everything because during that time,
Speaker 1: she was coming up. So we had helped. My dear Brenda,
Speaker 1: That's why I told her, because she was the closest
Speaker 1: to me at the time. She was working for my
Speaker 1: mom as her secretary, so she helped. But in reality,
Speaker 1: it was a mom and I during that time, and
Speaker 1: she was going through a horrible divorce and she was
Speaker 1: very sad, and I had to help with Johnny, who
Speaker 1: was a baby. So in reality, Johnny is my child.
Speaker 1: You got is my mom said, it's six months, here's
Speaker 1: your kid. I gotta go work. So I was the
Speaker 1: one that winged Johnny off, his off, his bottle, off
Speaker 1: his Troop one pacifier, took him to school. I mean,
Speaker 1: he was my kid, you guys, him and Jessica. So
Speaker 1: I had a lot of responsibility during that time. But
Speaker 1: I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't change it for the world.
Speaker 1: For a long time, like I said, I was sad
Speaker 1: about the miscarriage. I felt like something was wrong with
Speaker 1: my body, something was wrong with me. But I learned
Speaker 1: to say, you know what, God knows why he does things,
Speaker 1: and we may not understand them at the moment, and
Speaker 1: we may even question him, but he always knows why.
Speaker 1: I don't know what it would have been like to
Speaker 1: have a child and also raising Johnny at the same time,
Speaker 1: and my mom really needed me, and you know, she
Speaker 1: had just gotten divorced. So it's just then I started
Speaker 1: thinking like, okay, when a Kistamo's And for a long time,
Speaker 1: it did change my perspective on having children. I thought like,
Speaker 1: oh my goodness, if this is painful, I don't even
Speaker 1: know what it's like to have a child to your
Speaker 1: vagina you know. So I was like, I don't know
Speaker 1: if I want to go through that. And for a
Speaker 1: long time, actually t m I, but I didn't have
Speaker 1: sex with him for a while after that because I
Speaker 1: was so traumatized. I said, oh my gosh, no, I
Speaker 1: don't want to even take the chance of getting pregnant.
Speaker 1: Was so painful. It was so heartbreaking, you know, and
Speaker 1: I felt for him that I had let him down.
Speaker 1: So he understood. He was so patient and he was
Speaker 1: just like, don't worry about it. So yeah, in that part,
Speaker 1: he was very patient because I was a hot mess
Speaker 1: during that time. The crazy thing is that Hector and
Speaker 1: I had kind of calculated to that, I remember her
Speaker 1: name was Genesis, that her birthday was going to be
Speaker 1: sometime in December. So for a long time, for I
Speaker 1: think like a couple of years, him and I secretly
Speaker 1: and quietly celebrated her birthday with the cute little teddy bear.
Speaker 1: I know where the teddy bear is now, that's so crazy,
Speaker 1: I'm thinking about him. I had a cute little dress,
Speaker 1: a pink little dress, and we would celebrate her birthday
Speaker 1: because we thought, okay, if we calculate right, it would
Speaker 1: be born in December. So the first year, we got
Speaker 1: a little cake and we blew out the handles and
Speaker 1: said happy Birthday, and we had a little teddy bear there.
Speaker 1: And then after that it was just we would spend
Speaker 1: time together and just kind of mention it, like, oh,
Speaker 1: she would probably be born around this time. There was
Speaker 1: never like really a specific day. I just always thought, okay,
Speaker 1: like it's somewhere in the middle of December, and we
Speaker 1: would just kind of just mention her and look at
Speaker 1: the sky and hold her. And now I really want
Speaker 1: to know where she's at. Darn it. I'm like, I
Speaker 1: wonder where she is. She's probably my storage somewhere. But yeah,
Speaker 1: we did that for a few years, and then after
Speaker 1: we kind of just said, okay, it's time to just
Speaker 1: let that rest because it was really affecting me emotionally.
Speaker 1: So I'm just remembering all these things. It's crazy because
Speaker 1: I'm going back and I really hope that this conversation
Speaker 1: doesn't affect his relationship in any way, which it shouldn't,
Speaker 1: you know, because again, that happened a long time ago.
Speaker 1: But yeah, it's kind of cool to go back and
Speaker 1: remember those things and those nice moments that we lived
Speaker 1: and stuff, you know. Because I'm really grateful for him
Speaker 1: and for his family. And I still have contact with
Speaker 1: his sister, which is Michael More because him and I
Speaker 1: um we baptized her son, so we have a god
Speaker 1: son together there. Him and I haven't spoken in years.
Speaker 1: I think the last time we spoke was when my
Speaker 1: mom passed. He was there with my whole family helping us,
Speaker 1: and I think he was already dating his girlfriend that's
Speaker 1: now his wife, and he was really nice, and you know,
Speaker 1: my whole family loves him. That's the last time I
Speaker 1: think I ever spoke to him or saw him. But
Speaker 1: I keep it cool if I see his mom, his mom,
Speaker 1: his family, all of them played a huge role in
Speaker 1: my life, and I'm so greatful. We were together about
Speaker 1: four years, four and a half years. So I just
Speaker 1: wanted to share this guy's ladies, if you have gone
Speaker 1: through it, if you're going through it, speak to someone
Speaker 1: a therapist. It doesn't have to be a family member,
Speaker 1: it doesn't have to even be a friend. If you
Speaker 1: don't want to tell people, it's just it's important to
Speaker 1: talk about and let these feelings out. I highly suggest
Speaker 1: it because you can really go into a dark hole thinking,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, something's wrong with me and I can't
Speaker 1: give my person a baby and all this stuff because
Speaker 1: even though at that time I wasn't necessarily ready, I
Speaker 1: just knew, Okay, well it's happening, and I love this
Speaker 1: guy and he really wants a baby. I know my
Speaker 1: mom might be a little upset, but it is what
Speaker 1: it is. And I was kind of already getting ready
Speaker 1: to have the baby. But then when it happened and
Speaker 1: it was taken from me and I had the miscarriage,
Speaker 1: then I was like, oh my gosh. I went into
Speaker 1: like a depression of like, oh my gosh, what is
Speaker 1: wrong with me? Because he was really sad, and I'm
Speaker 1: like I let him down and my body is not
Speaker 1: right and what's going on? And then I don't know.
Speaker 1: My doctor when I went to go get that procedure done,
Speaker 1: said that fall could have something to do with it.
Speaker 1: We don't know. It's just sometimes it just happens. It's
Speaker 1: not something that you're necessarily doing wrong. I even asked,
Speaker 1: am I eating something that I'm not supposed to eat? Like, no,
Speaker 1: it's just sometimes your body doesn't hold the egg and
Speaker 1: it just comes out. And and she helped me with
Speaker 1: making me realize it was probably like three weeks something
Speaker 1: like that. I remember three or four weeks something like that. Pregnant.
Speaker 1: She says, not even a baby yet, it's not even formed.
Speaker 1: It's it's a little bitsy bitty little seed. So don't
Speaker 1: feel bad that you lost it. Like it's like, I'm like, well,
Speaker 1: but I was. I was really sad about it, guys.
Speaker 1: It really didn't affect me. So anyways, ladies, talk to someone,
Speaker 1: don't be shy, get some therapy, and it'll help a lot.
Speaker 1: Talking about it now is very healing for me because
Speaker 1: it's something that I just kept deep, deep, deep inside
Speaker 1: my heart for so long because a part of me
Speaker 1: felt ashamed, felt like did I do something wrong? What's
Speaker 1: wrong with my body? I thought like maybe I can't
Speaker 1: have kids, and then I kind of left it alone
Speaker 1: for a while. That's what I would think for years.
Speaker 1: And I even thought, well, maybe my sexual abuse had
Speaker 1: something to do with it. I don't know. I thought
Speaker 1: so many different things, you guys. And I did speak
Speaker 1: to a therapist about it. I think I was, I
Speaker 1: don't know, about twenty three, and she gave me great
Speaker 1: advice and I kind of after that. After I had
Speaker 1: that conversation with her. I just left it behind. I said, Okay,
Speaker 1: it is what it is. It's not my fault, it's
Speaker 1: not my body's fault. It's just what happened. And I
Speaker 1: kind of have to leave it there. After that miscarriage
Speaker 1: is when I said, okay, I need to use condoms
Speaker 1: because I wasn't. I didn't do birth control. I didn't
Speaker 1: never did the pills. I didn't get my I U
Speaker 1: D birth control until later I got the copper one.
Speaker 1: But I just said, I I need to use condoms.
Speaker 1: I don't want to go through this again, and so
Speaker 1: should mind that therapist. That particular therapist help me a
Speaker 1: lot with that. So I left it alone. And then
Speaker 1: when I was doing the fertility and started the fertility
Speaker 1: and all that stuff, and I found out about my
Speaker 1: endometriosis and the CIST, it all came back again and
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, my goodness, does this have to do
Speaker 1: with that? You know? And I did it in silence,
Speaker 1: because you know, I think I actually told my husband
Speaker 1: about it. He didn't have much to say about it.
Speaker 1: He just kind of like, okay, you know, just it happens.
Speaker 1: You know. He didn't make me feel bad about it.
Speaker 1: He didn't nothing, and that was that. But it came
Speaker 1: back to me and then I talked to my life
Speaker 1: coach about it and again gave me great advice, and
Speaker 1: I felt like, am I broken? You know, as a woman,
Speaker 1: it's like, am I broken? Is something wrong with me?
Speaker 1: And said, well, didn't you go to your fertility doctor?
Speaker 1: Like yeah, and what did he say? And I'm like, yeah,
Speaker 1: you're right. So it's just coming back and speaking to
Speaker 1: people about it, and and ladies that have had miscarriages.
Speaker 1: I feel for you. I know what it is. I
Speaker 1: know that it's not something you just talk about and
Speaker 1: and you do sometimes feel like it's something wrong with me.
Speaker 1: These are the things that I think. So I'm with you,
Speaker 1: my heart's with you, and don't feel ashamed. I think
Speaker 1: it happens so much and a lot of us don't
Speaker 1: talk about it. And the aftercare that's important to have
Speaker 1: that I didn't do because I was so young and
Speaker 1: didn't know. Don't be ashamed, not everyone. You don't have
Speaker 1: to tell everyone like I'm doing right now, but it
Speaker 1: is something that just know it's okay, and thank goodness
Speaker 1: for fertility doctors that can help us if we need it.
Speaker 1: So I did want to just state that because I
Speaker 1: know a few of my friends have had them and
Speaker 1: we've had these conversations, and even when they would tell
Speaker 1: me they had them, I didn't necessarily tell them about mine.
Speaker 1: I didn't think it was necessary to share it with,
Speaker 1: for instance, Emilio, unless I think he asked. If you
Speaker 1: were to ask me, well, now he's gonna know because
Speaker 1: he's gonna hear the podcast. But if you were to
Speaker 1: ask me, I would definitely just say yeah. I mean,
Speaker 1: I think it's something so personal that I don't feel
Speaker 1: the need to share it with the relationship with a
Speaker 1: significant other. It's something that I didn't think throughout the
Speaker 1: years that I had to share unless they asked. I
Speaker 1: didn't tell a Medio. But now he knows and we'll
Speaker 1: have a conversation about it. But I think it's something
Speaker 1: that happened before him, and it's part of my story.
Speaker 1: I feel like, you know, but I think maybe I
Speaker 1: should because I know he really wants children, and I've
Speaker 1: had the conversation with him what if I can't. What
Speaker 1: if my body just says I can't have kids? Are
Speaker 1: you going to be okay with that? And he says yes?
Speaker 1: Because he doesn't have any children of his own, but
Speaker 1: we don't know. So that's why I'm gonna I'm going
Speaker 1: through again through the fertility process because I do want
Speaker 1: to freeze my eggs and I want to make sure
Speaker 1: that I have that option and I have them. They're
Speaker 1: just in case for whatever reason. I mean, I would
Speaker 1: be okay with having a surrogate if I can't carry
Speaker 1: the baby for whatever reason, as long as it's his
Speaker 1: sperm oror embryo, which would be my egg and his
Speaker 1: sperm in in someone else as a surrogate. I'm okay
Speaker 1: with that. I asked him, and he's I yeah, that
Speaker 1: he's okay with that as well. But he wants to
Speaker 1: try naturally and try everything before that. So we've talked
Speaker 1: about it, and I think now is the time that
Speaker 1: I'm gonna have to talk about him. Maybe maybe before
Speaker 1: this episode airs, I'll talk to him about about this
Speaker 1: whole topic and let him know about that. I'm sure
Speaker 1: he'll be fine with it. He understands. You know what
Speaker 1: happened A long time agout you guys, because I'm not
Speaker 1: sure sometimes if I want to have children. There are
Speaker 1: times when I love kids and kids love me. I
Speaker 1: love loving on my friends kids, my sister's kids, my
Speaker 1: nieces and nephews. Like I love children, but I've raised
Speaker 1: so many that I don't know. I feel like I've
Speaker 1: already done that. I've gone to school conferences, I've done everything,
Speaker 1: you know, with Johnny and Jessica and even Jackie. I
Speaker 1: would take her to her first day of school in
Speaker 1: high school, you guys, even in high school. I mean
Speaker 1: to go open up her locker to show her all
Speaker 1: her classes. Like I was a mom. I've been a
Speaker 1: mom since I can remember, So I don't know. But
Speaker 1: then I stopped saying I don't want kids because then
Speaker 1: I felt like the words that I was speaking, we're
Speaker 1: causing things in my body, like cysts killing my eggs.
Speaker 1: But that's basically what cis we're doing. We're killing my
Speaker 1: eggs to not have children. So it changes things, and
Speaker 1: it's like, Okay, now my body is actually telling me
Speaker 1: that there's a possibility I can't. So when it's like
Speaker 1: you can't, then you want it, you know. So I'm
Speaker 1: trying to change my words, and I'm like, if it's
Speaker 1: meant to be, it'll be. Like I said earlier in
Speaker 1: one of my episodes, I'm not necessarily trying to get pregnant,
Speaker 1: but I'm not on birth control. I'm just kind of like, God,
Speaker 1: if this is what's meant to be, it's going to be.
Speaker 1: I am on hormone therapy, so I'm sure that has
Speaker 1: some effect on why I'm not getting pregnant. But according
Speaker 1: to Dr Gader, my fertility doctor, I can and I
Speaker 1: should probably try getting pregnant soon. He also said that
Speaker 1: the cysts will go away once I have kids, that
Speaker 1: my body is also asking to have kids. But also
Speaker 1: if I keep those cysts in there, they're killing my eggs.
Speaker 1: So it's just a lot of things. And I thought
Speaker 1: maybe I should talk about the miscarriage and talk about
Speaker 1: that moment in my life that was really scary, and
Speaker 1: I probably should have told my mom and I was
Speaker 1: going to keep the baby. Um him and I talked
Speaker 1: about it's like okay, well, well you know, yeah, like
Speaker 1: we gotta keep the baby. I just need some time
Speaker 1: to talk to my mom. I'm scared, but things happened.
Speaker 1: I'm a firm believer that things happened for a reason.
Speaker 1: That is my story. Because I felt that I needed
Speaker 1: to do an episode on it because again, the media
Speaker 1: twists so many things, and their clickbait is crazy. Thank
Speaker 1: God for My Chickens and Chill podcast because I can
Speaker 1: talk about anything and everything here with you guys. Thank
Speaker 1: you guys so much for listening to today's episode. This
Speaker 1: one was definitely a tough one to open up about,
Speaker 1: and if you're struggling with a similar situation, just no,
Speaker 1: you're not alone. There are resources out there to help you.
Speaker 1: Will actually list some of the resources in this episode
Speaker 1: show notes, so make sure you look out for those.
Speaker 1: And today's motivational Monday quote is I am not what
Speaker 1: happened to me. I am what I choose to become Again,
Speaker 1: you guys are amazing all the listeners. You guys have
Speaker 1: made this podcast one of the popular ones, so I
Speaker 1: am so grateful. This is a production of I Heart
Speaker 1: Radio and Michael Dura podcast Network. Follow us on Instagram
Speaker 1: at Michael Dura Podcasts and follow me chick ees that's
Speaker 1: c h I q U I s. For more podcasts
Speaker 1: from My Heart, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast,
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.