1 00:00:03,760 --> 00:00:05,800 Speaker 1: I just in my mind thought, okay, it's a girl. 2 00:00:05,800 --> 00:00:07,280 Speaker 1: I don't know why I thought it was a girl 3 00:00:07,320 --> 00:00:08,840 Speaker 1: in my mind. We made it. It It was a girl, 4 00:00:08,920 --> 00:00:13,920 Speaker 1: and we named the Teddy Bear Genesis. Again. I never 5 00:00:14,040 --> 00:00:15,800 Speaker 1: told my mom. I was afraid. I was so scared. 6 00:00:15,840 --> 00:00:19,880 Speaker 1: I don't know what I was gonna do. I don't 7 00:00:19,880 --> 00:00:21,640 Speaker 1: know what it would have been like to have a 8 00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:24,560 Speaker 1: child and also raising Johnny at the same time, and 9 00:00:24,680 --> 00:00:35,600 Speaker 1: my mom really needed me. And Welcome to another episode 10 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:38,280 Speaker 1: of cheek Ease and Chill. I'm your host cheek Ease, 11 00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:40,479 Speaker 1: and I'm so happy you're here. Thank you so much 12 00:00:40,520 --> 00:00:42,919 Speaker 1: for listening. I hope you all had a great weekend. 13 00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:45,839 Speaker 1: Today's topic is going to be a little heavy, and 14 00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:48,280 Speaker 1: it's something I haven't talked about in depth and I 15 00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:50,400 Speaker 1: never thought I was going to. But this is a 16 00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:54,240 Speaker 1: space that I feel safest. So let's go and jump 17 00:00:54,320 --> 00:01:02,920 Speaker 1: into this episode of chick Ease and Chill. So, guys, today, 18 00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:07,640 Speaker 1: I'm going to share something extremely personal. I never thought 19 00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:10,479 Speaker 1: i'd share this, but I feel now is the time 20 00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:13,560 Speaker 1: to do it, especially because I mentioned a little bit 21 00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:16,440 Speaker 1: about it in one of my episodes, and of course 22 00:01:16,480 --> 00:01:19,640 Speaker 1: the media they go ahead and turn things around and 23 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:25,280 Speaker 1: it got from a miscarriage into an abortion, which was 24 00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:30,119 Speaker 1: not the case. So I did have a miscarriage when 25 00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:33,560 Speaker 1: I was nineteen years old, So my mom did not 26 00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:35,840 Speaker 1: know about this. A lot of my family didn't know 27 00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:38,160 Speaker 1: about this, and not even my siblings. A couple of 28 00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:40,880 Speaker 1: my friends knew. Um that are no longer in my life. Actually, 29 00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:43,479 Speaker 1: and the guy that I was dating at the time, 30 00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:46,679 Speaker 1: which was my first or should I say, like I 31 00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:49,120 Speaker 1: had my boyfriend junr at sixteen, and then him and 32 00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:51,240 Speaker 1: I we broke up, so I guess this would be 33 00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:54,240 Speaker 1: like my second formal boyfriend. I've mentioned him before and 34 00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:56,919 Speaker 1: the reality shows that we've had on I Love Jenny 35 00:01:57,080 --> 00:01:59,440 Speaker 1: on Cheeks and Control all those reality shows. I talked 36 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:01,240 Speaker 1: about him a little bit because he did play a 37 00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:03,560 Speaker 1: huge part in my life and growing up. His name 38 00:02:03,680 --> 00:02:07,559 Speaker 1: is Hector. He is now married to a wonderful woman 39 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:10,760 Speaker 1: who I follow on Instagram. She's great. We talk here 40 00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:13,440 Speaker 1: and there. They have three beautiful boys now, and I 41 00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:15,720 Speaker 1: can honestly say that I was the one that ruined 42 00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:18,080 Speaker 1: that relationship. He was a really good guy and I 43 00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:20,240 Speaker 1: just wasn't ready. A lot of people know my mom 44 00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:22,720 Speaker 1: would call him her teddy Bear. So if you guys 45 00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:25,040 Speaker 1: don't know who Hector is, my mom would always say 46 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:27,400 Speaker 1: her teddy bear. On I love Jenny. So I was 47 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:30,840 Speaker 1: with him. I was eighteen, about to turn nineteen, and 48 00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:33,840 Speaker 1: we stayed together, I think until I don't know, twenty eleven, 49 00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:36,360 Speaker 1: and things just didn't work out. We tried and we tried, 50 00:02:36,520 --> 00:02:38,960 Speaker 1: and he was actually the first person to ask me 51 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:41,960 Speaker 1: to marry him, and I canceled the wedding a month before, 52 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:44,080 Speaker 1: so I think that really just broke his heart. I 53 00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:45,880 Speaker 1: just wasn't ready to leave the nest. I didn't want 54 00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:47,519 Speaker 1: to leave my family, and he was just like, we 55 00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:49,280 Speaker 1: can't live at your mom's house, and I guess we can. 56 00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:51,280 Speaker 1: We can live in my mom's house. And I just 57 00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:53,440 Speaker 1: wasn't ready. I was young, you guys, but that relationship 58 00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:56,280 Speaker 1: really did teach me a lot. Anyways, a shout out 59 00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:58,079 Speaker 1: to him. I'm so happy for him and that he's 60 00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:02,720 Speaker 1: doing well. And I loved his wife. She's awesome. But guys, 61 00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:07,320 Speaker 1: this is the guy that I got pregnant at nineteen, 62 00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:10,640 Speaker 1: and again I never told my mom. I was afraid. 63 00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:12,200 Speaker 1: I was so scared. I didn't know what I was 64 00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:15,239 Speaker 1: gonna do. But before I knew that I was pregnant. 65 00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:17,800 Speaker 1: I was already kind of late, like I think, like 66 00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:19,720 Speaker 1: four days late on my period, and I thought, well, 67 00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:22,720 Speaker 1: I'm pretty regular, you guys, So I'm like, okay, I 68 00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:24,480 Speaker 1: didn't really know it was nineteen. I didn't really talk 69 00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:26,040 Speaker 1: about it too much with my period, Like it was 70 00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:28,000 Speaker 1: like a thing that we didn't talk about in my family, 71 00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:31,400 Speaker 1: like periods and all that stuff and a lot of stuff, 72 00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:35,400 Speaker 1: you know, with my mom. So I didn't really ask questions. 73 00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:38,680 Speaker 1: I was having unprotected sex with him. I had been like, yeah, 74 00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:40,880 Speaker 1: like four days that I had missed my period, and 75 00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:45,600 Speaker 1: I was bringing down from our house in Corona, where 76 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:48,920 Speaker 1: we lived at the time, and I was bringing some 77 00:03:49,120 --> 00:03:52,480 Speaker 1: dirty laundry from upstairs in a basket and I was 78 00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:53,960 Speaker 1: carrying in front of me, so I couldn't see the 79 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:56,400 Speaker 1: steps when I was coming down, so I rolled and 80 00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:58,920 Speaker 1: I fell right on my butt. That hurts so bad. 81 00:03:58,920 --> 00:04:01,240 Speaker 1: I'll never forget. I just I'm so glad I didn't 82 00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:03,760 Speaker 1: fall on my face because I could have. Because I didn't. 83 00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:05,520 Speaker 1: I couldn't have. I couldn't hold anything, so I just 84 00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:07,760 Speaker 1: kind of fell on like the last four steps and 85 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:10,440 Speaker 1: just landed on my butt. I didn't think anything of it. 86 00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:13,520 Speaker 1: I said, okay, I fail whatever, you know, fine. I 87 00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:16,960 Speaker 1: think a week passed by or not even It was 88 00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:19,240 Speaker 1: like three or four days and I took a pregnancy 89 00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:22,599 Speaker 1: test and I was pregnant. Um. I took another one 90 00:04:22,839 --> 00:04:24,839 Speaker 1: and it said positive, and I said, oh my goodness. 91 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:28,080 Speaker 1: So I said all right, and I told him. I 92 00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:30,120 Speaker 1: was like, so scared. I told him, and he was 93 00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:33,919 Speaker 1: so happy and so excited, and I was scared. I 94 00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:35,680 Speaker 1: was terrified. I was like, what am I going to do? 95 00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:37,720 Speaker 1: I am scared? Or what am I going to tell 96 00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:39,160 Speaker 1: my mom? She's gonna kick me out? And I was 97 00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:43,520 Speaker 1: just so afraid. Anyways, I don't know, but after I 98 00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:45,960 Speaker 1: told him, I want to say a few days later, 99 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:47,320 Speaker 1: its happened a long time ago, you guys. I don't 100 00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:49,680 Speaker 1: remember exactly everything. But a few days later, I just 101 00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:53,159 Speaker 1: started bleeding crazy. I was thinking of telling my mom 102 00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:55,440 Speaker 1: when she got back from out of town, just tell her, hey, 103 00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:58,080 Speaker 1: I'm pregnant, you know. But I don't know if it 104 00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:01,240 Speaker 1: was the fall, the stress, what happened. But I just 105 00:05:01,279 --> 00:05:04,520 Speaker 1: started bleeding and I bled so much it was crazy. 106 00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:09,440 Speaker 1: It hurt horribly. So I had a miscarriage. Apparently. Again 107 00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:11,240 Speaker 1: I was young. I didn't talk to anybody about it. 108 00:05:11,279 --> 00:05:15,640 Speaker 1: I was afraid, and it just stayed like that, and um, 109 00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:17,960 Speaker 1: of course him and I were sad about it. He 110 00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:20,600 Speaker 1: was very sad about it. We left it at that. 111 00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:23,160 Speaker 1: I never went to the doctor. I never even got 112 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:26,159 Speaker 1: blood work done to say, oh, yeah, you're pregnant, but 113 00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:29,480 Speaker 1: I took the pregnancy tests that said I was. So 114 00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:32,080 Speaker 1: I'm telling you, when I had that miscarriage, there was 115 00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:34,040 Speaker 1: it was like chunks of blood and it just it 116 00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:36,800 Speaker 1: looked crazy. It was like a heavy, heavy, heavy period, 117 00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:42,000 Speaker 1: very painful. So anyways, that happened, and I remember going 118 00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:45,240 Speaker 1: to build a bear and I got him a gift 119 00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:49,000 Speaker 1: and I got him a little bear and I got 120 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:51,480 Speaker 1: put a little dress on her. I just in my 121 00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:53,400 Speaker 1: mind thought, okay, it's a girl. I don't know why 122 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:54,960 Speaker 1: I thought it was a girl. In my mind, we 123 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:56,760 Speaker 1: made it it was a girl. And we named the 124 00:05:56,760 --> 00:06:00,440 Speaker 1: teddy bear. Genesis had her own little certificate, and I 125 00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:02,000 Speaker 1: gave it to him as a gift as kind of 126 00:06:02,040 --> 00:06:04,039 Speaker 1: like I'm sorry, Like you know, it's just a cute 127 00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:06,120 Speaker 1: little thing that him and I only knew about. No 128 00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:07,920 Speaker 1: one else knew. We never talked about it. I don't 129 00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:10,839 Speaker 1: think he ever told his family. Maybe his mom we told, 130 00:06:10,839 --> 00:06:14,120 Speaker 1: I don't remember. But anyways, so we were gonna name. 131 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:16,720 Speaker 1: We named the baby that was in heaven Genesis, and 132 00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:19,120 Speaker 1: I always said it was like a girl in my mind. 133 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,480 Speaker 1: So that was that. It was a very difficult time. 134 00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:26,719 Speaker 1: And then I think it was my next period that 135 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:29,480 Speaker 1: I was having a lot of pain and I felt 136 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:31,719 Speaker 1: very bloated, and so I went to the doctor. I 137 00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:35,000 Speaker 1: went to actually Planned Parenthood is where I went, and 138 00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:37,880 Speaker 1: they checked me and they said that they needed to 139 00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:42,839 Speaker 1: scrape my uterus, so they put me under to kind 140 00:06:42,839 --> 00:06:44,320 Speaker 1: of clean everything out. They said that I did and 141 00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:45,880 Speaker 1: I should have gone to the hospital if I had 142 00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:47,760 Speaker 1: a miscarriage, and you know, and I just didn't know 143 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:50,000 Speaker 1: what to do. So they had to put me under 144 00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:52,919 Speaker 1: and just scrape everything. Scraped my uterus. I don't know 145 00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:56,039 Speaker 1: what it's called. I never felt anything. He picked me 146 00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:58,360 Speaker 1: up again. We never talked about it. They gave me 147 00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:01,279 Speaker 1: pain meds and then I was fine. I was regular, 148 00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:05,599 Speaker 1: and I've been regular since. But I don't know. I 149 00:07:05,640 --> 00:07:08,640 Speaker 1: think now I'm at a different point in my life, 150 00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:11,120 Speaker 1: and I feel I'm a woman now and there are 151 00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:13,680 Speaker 1: certain things that I would want to be honest about, 152 00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:16,320 Speaker 1: especially something like this. It's so delicate, so personal, and 153 00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:19,040 Speaker 1: I never had the chance to tell my mom. But 154 00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:21,480 Speaker 1: I can help other people, other young ladies that perhaps 155 00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:23,760 Speaker 1: are having miscarriages or don't know what to do or 156 00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:26,480 Speaker 1: too scared. And it's important because it can really affect you. 157 00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:29,280 Speaker 1: If you don't get the right medication to clean your 158 00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:32,400 Speaker 1: body out your uterus, it could really cause a deadly 159 00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:35,040 Speaker 1: infection in your uterus and and causing your ovaries and 160 00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:37,200 Speaker 1: things like that. So that's why I decided to talk 161 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:40,360 Speaker 1: about it, and something that I haven't talked to Hector 162 00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:42,320 Speaker 1: about it, and I don't know. I mean, it's also 163 00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:44,680 Speaker 1: his story to tell, so I feel kind of bad 164 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:47,280 Speaker 1: talking about it. But I'm sure he'll understand. He's in 165 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:49,560 Speaker 1: a much better place now and I'm happy for him, 166 00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:52,120 Speaker 1: so hopefully he doesn't mind. But that is a story 167 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:55,920 Speaker 1: with my little baby angel Genesis that I call her. 168 00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:05,840 Speaker 1: So I didn't tell my mom, and I didn't tell 169 00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:07,600 Speaker 1: her because I didn't have the chance to tell her 170 00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:10,640 Speaker 1: because then I had the miscarriage and I could have 171 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:12,800 Speaker 1: told her after the miscarriage. But then I'm like, well, 172 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:14,120 Speaker 1: for what what if she gets mad and then she 173 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,040 Speaker 1: gets double mad. I don't know, you know, I don't know. 174 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:18,680 Speaker 1: I was thinking so many things. But the reason I 175 00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:21,480 Speaker 1: didn't tell her was because I also felt like, what 176 00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:24,080 Speaker 1: if I let her down? She really needed me at 177 00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:26,920 Speaker 1: that time, and she loved Hector and she knew Hector 178 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:28,960 Speaker 1: would take care of me. But I don't know. I 179 00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:30,880 Speaker 1: was just afraid. And then after it happened and I 180 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:33,360 Speaker 1: saw how happy he was, then I thought, Okay, well 181 00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:35,520 Speaker 1: maybe it'll be okay. Maybe he could tell her. You know, 182 00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:38,840 Speaker 1: I think she would have been initially kind of shocked 183 00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:40,640 Speaker 1: and kind of like stressed out, like oh gosh, like 184 00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:43,040 Speaker 1: you're in my right hand, like what what are we 185 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:44,560 Speaker 1: going to do? But we would have figured it out. 186 00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:47,600 Speaker 1: And really, when I knew she would have been fine 187 00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:50,280 Speaker 1: with it was when Jackie came home pregnant. She was 188 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:53,160 Speaker 1: about what nineteen years or something like that, and she 189 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:55,920 Speaker 1: came and my mom was happy. She was just ecstatic, 190 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:57,520 Speaker 1: like it was just like, oh my god. Yes. I 191 00:08:57,520 --> 00:08:59,720 Speaker 1: don't know if she was just more ready or she 192 00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:03,360 Speaker 1: kind have expected it from Jackie more. But when I 193 00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:05,559 Speaker 1: helped Jackie tell my mom, and my mom was so 194 00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:07,199 Speaker 1: happy about it. I said, oh, wow, would have it 195 00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:08,640 Speaker 1: would have been the same thing it should have been. 196 00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:09,920 Speaker 1: It would have been cool. Or should I tell her? 197 00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:11,960 Speaker 1: I even thought, should I tell her about the miscarriage now? 198 00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:15,000 Speaker 1: But I didn't. I was just, again, always very like 199 00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:18,360 Speaker 1: seeking my mom's approval. I never wanted to disappoint her. 200 00:09:18,559 --> 00:09:19,720 Speaker 1: I didn't want her to be like, well, why are 201 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:21,320 Speaker 1: you telling me now? And why didn't you tell me then? 202 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:22,600 Speaker 1: You know? So I just said I'm just gonna stay 203 00:09:22,679 --> 00:09:24,880 Speaker 1: quiet and stay quiet about it. But I think she 204 00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:27,680 Speaker 1: would have reacted happy. Um. She was such a great grandma. 205 00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:30,720 Speaker 1: She loved Jayla and Luna so much. She didn't spend 206 00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:33,040 Speaker 1: that much time with with Luna. Luna was weeks old 207 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:36,040 Speaker 1: when she passed, but she was in love. I remember 208 00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:38,400 Speaker 1: her telling me one day, I'm so sorry. I thought 209 00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:40,800 Speaker 1: I knew what love was with you guys, my children, 210 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:43,280 Speaker 1: but it does not compare with the love that I 211 00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:46,480 Speaker 1: feel for my granddaughters. Like it's just this other love. 212 00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:50,200 Speaker 1: So I would always think Dane, like I would have 213 00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:53,000 Speaker 1: a baby right now, you know, how would she be? 214 00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:56,160 Speaker 1: And and and even when she passed that that's another 215 00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:58,559 Speaker 1: time when it came up, this whole thing how old 216 00:09:58,559 --> 00:10:00,440 Speaker 1: would would my daughter be or my child I would be, 217 00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:02,080 Speaker 1: you know, and and she would have seen one of 218 00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:04,839 Speaker 1: my kids, you know. I it just certain times it 219 00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:08,000 Speaker 1: would come up and they would go away. And I 220 00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:10,160 Speaker 1: was another reason why I said, after my mom passed, 221 00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:11,840 Speaker 1: I'm not going to have kids, because she wasn't going 222 00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:13,560 Speaker 1: to be able to be there holding my hand like 223 00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:15,920 Speaker 1: she was with Jackie while she was having her baby. 224 00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:18,640 Speaker 1: So then I saw Jackie pop out three more and 225 00:10:18,679 --> 00:10:21,760 Speaker 1: I said, Okay, it'll be fine, she's strong. I'll have Jackie. 226 00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:25,080 Speaker 1: They're holding my hand when I have babies. So anyhow, 227 00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:27,440 Speaker 1: I think the only person I ever told from my 228 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:32,200 Speaker 1: family was my thea Brenda, my theo Juan's wife told 229 00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:36,480 Speaker 1: her years ago, and she is such a good secret 230 00:10:36,559 --> 00:10:39,160 Speaker 1: keeper because she never I don't even think told my 231 00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:42,240 Speaker 1: uncle told anybody. I never heard about it. Again. That's 232 00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:44,200 Speaker 1: the only person in my family actually that I told. 233 00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:45,840 Speaker 1: And she just hugged me and she said that she 234 00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:50,400 Speaker 1: understood that she was there for me. During that time, 235 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:54,240 Speaker 1: I was working with my mom and I was helping 236 00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:56,360 Speaker 1: her with my siblings and the house and the bills 237 00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:59,480 Speaker 1: and all that stuff. I've said this before, but some 238 00:10:59,559 --> 00:11:01,480 Speaker 1: of you may know this, but my plan after high 239 00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:04,520 Speaker 1: school was I'm going to the Air Force. I'm going 240 00:11:04,559 --> 00:11:07,560 Speaker 1: to shave my head, and I am going to use 241 00:11:07,559 --> 00:11:09,559 Speaker 1: the Air Force to figure out what I want to do. 242 00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:12,560 Speaker 1: Because the Air Force, after you're they're serving for four years, 243 00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:15,079 Speaker 1: then they give you and they pay for your college education. 244 00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:17,040 Speaker 1: So my thing was, let me not to figure out 245 00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:19,120 Speaker 1: if I want to be a psychologist, what do I 246 00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:22,320 Speaker 1: want to do. So that was my plan, and that 247 00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:27,719 Speaker 1: plan was dismissed because my mom, unfortunately or fortunately, I 248 00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:29,560 Speaker 1: don't know whatever, you know, she's not here to say, 249 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:33,920 Speaker 1: but she got divorced from Juan Lopez, which is Johnny 250 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:37,480 Speaker 1: and Jensica's dad, and she said I need you, I 251 00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:39,040 Speaker 1: need you, and I need you to help me with 252 00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:41,440 Speaker 1: the kids. And her career was on the rise and 253 00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:44,400 Speaker 1: she was doing so well. So she said that plan 254 00:11:44,440 --> 00:11:46,600 Speaker 1: that you have to go to the Air Force. I'm sorry, 255 00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:49,680 Speaker 1: but I need you. So I didn't go. And I 256 00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:54,040 Speaker 1: had already spoken to that particular branch at school and everything. 257 00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:56,800 Speaker 1: I had talked to my counselor, and so I had 258 00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:59,800 Speaker 1: to say that I wasn't gonna go anymore. And I 259 00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:02,240 Speaker 1: after high school, I went straight into helping my mom 260 00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:05,840 Speaker 1: with her enterprises and helping her with the perfume and 261 00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:08,840 Speaker 1: everything that we did together, anything and everything she taught me. 262 00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:12,160 Speaker 1: I went to the University of Jenny Rivera or should 263 00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:15,080 Speaker 1: I say University of Hard Knock Life, and my professor 264 00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:18,080 Speaker 1: was Jenny Rivera, so she taught me anything and everything 265 00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:20,040 Speaker 1: that I know and how to take care of a 266 00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:21,960 Speaker 1: household and take care of children. I mean, I had 267 00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:23,920 Speaker 1: been take care of my siblings since I was ten 268 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,599 Speaker 1: years old, but really when I graduated high school and 269 00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:28,280 Speaker 1: then it became a job and I started getting paid 270 00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:30,440 Speaker 1: for it, I was a little bit of everything. I 271 00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:33,360 Speaker 1: was her assistant. I did her hair sometimes, I was 272 00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:37,520 Speaker 1: her personal shopper. I did everything because during that time, 273 00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:40,680 Speaker 1: she was coming up. So we had helped. My dear Brenda, 274 00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:43,280 Speaker 1: That's why I told her, because she was the closest 275 00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:45,200 Speaker 1: to me at the time. She was working for my 276 00:12:45,280 --> 00:12:49,640 Speaker 1: mom as her secretary, so she helped. But in reality, 277 00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:51,400 Speaker 1: it was a mom and I during that time, and 278 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:53,480 Speaker 1: she was going through a horrible divorce and she was 279 00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:56,199 Speaker 1: very sad, and I had to help with Johnny, who 280 00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:59,600 Speaker 1: was a baby. So in reality, Johnny is my child. 281 00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:01,760 Speaker 1: You got is my mom said, it's six months, here's 282 00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:04,520 Speaker 1: your kid. I gotta go work. So I was the 283 00:13:04,559 --> 00:13:07,439 Speaker 1: one that winged Johnny off, his off, his bottle, off 284 00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:11,120 Speaker 1: his Troop one pacifier, took him to school. I mean, 285 00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:13,679 Speaker 1: he was my kid, you guys, him and Jessica. So 286 00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:16,400 Speaker 1: I had a lot of responsibility during that time. But 287 00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:18,760 Speaker 1: I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't change it for the world. 288 00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:20,480 Speaker 1: For a long time, like I said, I was sad 289 00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:23,360 Speaker 1: about the miscarriage. I felt like something was wrong with 290 00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:26,280 Speaker 1: my body, something was wrong with me. But I learned 291 00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:29,680 Speaker 1: to say, you know what, God knows why he does things, 292 00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:33,480 Speaker 1: and we may not understand them at the moment, and 293 00:13:33,559 --> 00:13:36,880 Speaker 1: we may even question him, but he always knows why. 294 00:13:37,559 --> 00:13:39,200 Speaker 1: I don't know what it would have been like to 295 00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:42,440 Speaker 1: have a child and also raising Johnny at the same time, 296 00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:44,680 Speaker 1: and my mom really needed me, and you know, she 297 00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:47,040 Speaker 1: had just gotten divorced. So it's just then I started 298 00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:53,520 Speaker 1: thinking like, okay, when a Kistamo's And for a long time, 299 00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:56,080 Speaker 1: it did change my perspective on having children. I thought like, 300 00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:58,559 Speaker 1: oh my goodness, if this is painful, I don't even 301 00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:00,280 Speaker 1: know what it's like to have a child to your 302 00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:03,080 Speaker 1: vagina you know. So I was like, I don't know 303 00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:05,000 Speaker 1: if I want to go through that. And for a 304 00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:07,840 Speaker 1: long time, actually t m I, but I didn't have 305 00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:10,600 Speaker 1: sex with him for a while after that because I 306 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:12,600 Speaker 1: was so traumatized. I said, oh my gosh, no, I 307 00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:14,400 Speaker 1: don't want to even take the chance of getting pregnant. 308 00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:16,480 Speaker 1: Was so painful. It was so heartbreaking, you know, and 309 00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:18,400 Speaker 1: I felt for him that I had let him down. 310 00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:21,000 Speaker 1: So he understood. He was so patient and he was 311 00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:24,400 Speaker 1: just like, don't worry about it. So yeah, in that part, 312 00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:27,640 Speaker 1: he was very patient because I was a hot mess 313 00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:30,640 Speaker 1: during that time. The crazy thing is that Hector and 314 00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:33,720 Speaker 1: I had kind of calculated to that, I remember her 315 00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:36,240 Speaker 1: name was Genesis, that her birthday was going to be 316 00:14:36,280 --> 00:14:38,760 Speaker 1: sometime in December. So for a long time, for I 317 00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:41,520 Speaker 1: think like a couple of years, him and I secretly 318 00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:45,000 Speaker 1: and quietly celebrated her birthday with the cute little teddy bear. 319 00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:46,840 Speaker 1: I know where the teddy bear is now, that's so crazy, 320 00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:48,560 Speaker 1: I'm thinking about him. I had a cute little dress, 321 00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:52,040 Speaker 1: a pink little dress, and we would celebrate her birthday 322 00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:54,040 Speaker 1: because we thought, okay, if we calculate right, it would 323 00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:57,880 Speaker 1: be born in December. So the first year, we got 324 00:14:57,920 --> 00:15:00,520 Speaker 1: a little cake and we blew out the handles and 325 00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:02,480 Speaker 1: said happy Birthday, and we had a little teddy bear there. 326 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:04,920 Speaker 1: And then after that it was just we would spend 327 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:06,760 Speaker 1: time together and just kind of mention it, like, oh, 328 00:15:06,760 --> 00:15:08,440 Speaker 1: she would probably be born around this time. There was 329 00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:12,040 Speaker 1: never like really a specific day. I just always thought, okay, 330 00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:15,000 Speaker 1: like it's somewhere in the middle of December, and we 331 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:17,240 Speaker 1: would just kind of just mention her and look at 332 00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:20,080 Speaker 1: the sky and hold her. And now I really want 333 00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,280 Speaker 1: to know where she's at. Darn it. I'm like, I 334 00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:25,600 Speaker 1: wonder where she is. She's probably my storage somewhere. But yeah, 335 00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:27,240 Speaker 1: we did that for a few years, and then after 336 00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:28,760 Speaker 1: we kind of just said, okay, it's time to just 337 00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:31,480 Speaker 1: let that rest because it was really affecting me emotionally. 338 00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:35,360 Speaker 1: So I'm just remembering all these things. It's crazy because 339 00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:38,680 Speaker 1: I'm going back and I really hope that this conversation 340 00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:41,120 Speaker 1: doesn't affect his relationship in any way, which it shouldn't, 341 00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:43,040 Speaker 1: you know, because again, that happened a long time ago. 342 00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:45,400 Speaker 1: But yeah, it's kind of cool to go back and 343 00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:48,440 Speaker 1: remember those things and those nice moments that we lived 344 00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:51,520 Speaker 1: and stuff, you know. Because I'm really grateful for him 345 00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:54,040 Speaker 1: and for his family. And I still have contact with 346 00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:56,400 Speaker 1: his sister, which is Michael More because him and I 347 00:15:56,640 --> 00:15:59,480 Speaker 1: um we baptized her son, so we have a god 348 00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:01,560 Speaker 1: son together there. Him and I haven't spoken in years. 349 00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:04,600 Speaker 1: I think the last time we spoke was when my 350 00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:07,120 Speaker 1: mom passed. He was there with my whole family helping us, 351 00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:09,040 Speaker 1: and I think he was already dating his girlfriend that's 352 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:11,400 Speaker 1: now his wife, and he was really nice, and you know, 353 00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:13,840 Speaker 1: my whole family loves him. That's the last time I 354 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:15,480 Speaker 1: think I ever spoke to him or saw him. But 355 00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:17,520 Speaker 1: I keep it cool if I see his mom, his mom, 356 00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:21,320 Speaker 1: his family, all of them played a huge role in 357 00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:24,240 Speaker 1: my life, and I'm so greatful. We were together about 358 00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:26,520 Speaker 1: four years, four and a half years. So I just 359 00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:29,520 Speaker 1: wanted to share this guy's ladies, if you have gone 360 00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:32,120 Speaker 1: through it, if you're going through it, speak to someone 361 00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:34,240 Speaker 1: a therapist. It doesn't have to be a family member, 362 00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:35,760 Speaker 1: it doesn't have to even be a friend. If you 363 00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:37,440 Speaker 1: don't want to tell people, it's just it's important to 364 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:40,520 Speaker 1: talk about and let these feelings out. I highly suggest 365 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:44,680 Speaker 1: it because you can really go into a dark hole thinking, 366 00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:46,880 Speaker 1: oh my gosh, something's wrong with me and I can't 367 00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:49,840 Speaker 1: give my person a baby and all this stuff because 368 00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:52,680 Speaker 1: even though at that time I wasn't necessarily ready, I 369 00:16:52,760 --> 00:16:55,640 Speaker 1: just knew, Okay, well it's happening, and I love this 370 00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:58,480 Speaker 1: guy and he really wants a baby. I know my 371 00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:00,800 Speaker 1: mom might be a little upset, but it is what 372 00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,400 Speaker 1: it is. And I was kind of already getting ready 373 00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:05,399 Speaker 1: to have the baby. But then when it happened and 374 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:07,600 Speaker 1: it was taken from me and I had the miscarriage, 375 00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:09,800 Speaker 1: then I was like, oh my gosh. I went into 376 00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:11,919 Speaker 1: like a depression of like, oh my gosh, what is 377 00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:13,600 Speaker 1: wrong with me? Because he was really sad, and I'm 378 00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:15,679 Speaker 1: like I let him down and my body is not 379 00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:18,439 Speaker 1: right and what's going on? And then I don't know. 380 00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:20,840 Speaker 1: My doctor when I went to go get that procedure done, 381 00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:23,080 Speaker 1: said that fall could have something to do with it. 382 00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:25,840 Speaker 1: We don't know. It's just sometimes it just happens. It's 383 00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:28,520 Speaker 1: not something that you're necessarily doing wrong. I even asked, 384 00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:31,080 Speaker 1: am I eating something that I'm not supposed to eat? Like, no, 385 00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:34,960 Speaker 1: it's just sometimes your body doesn't hold the egg and 386 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:37,280 Speaker 1: it just comes out. And and she helped me with 387 00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:40,639 Speaker 1: making me realize it was probably like three weeks something 388 00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:43,760 Speaker 1: like that. I remember three or four weeks something like that. Pregnant. 389 00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:46,760 Speaker 1: She says, not even a baby yet, it's not even formed. 390 00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:48,920 Speaker 1: It's it's a little bitsy bitty little seed. So don't 391 00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:51,320 Speaker 1: feel bad that you lost it. Like it's like, I'm like, well, 392 00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:53,520 Speaker 1: but I was. I was really sad about it, guys. 393 00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:57,240 Speaker 1: It really didn't affect me. So anyways, ladies, talk to someone, 394 00:17:57,480 --> 00:18:01,560 Speaker 1: don't be shy, get some therapy, and it'll help a lot. 395 00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:11,920 Speaker 1: Talking about it now is very healing for me because 396 00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:14,480 Speaker 1: it's something that I just kept deep, deep, deep inside 397 00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:17,560 Speaker 1: my heart for so long because a part of me 398 00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:21,560 Speaker 1: felt ashamed, felt like did I do something wrong? What's 399 00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:24,119 Speaker 1: wrong with my body? I thought like maybe I can't 400 00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:26,720 Speaker 1: have kids, and then I kind of left it alone 401 00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:28,720 Speaker 1: for a while. That's what I would think for years. 402 00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:32,159 Speaker 1: And I even thought, well, maybe my sexual abuse had 403 00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:33,520 Speaker 1: something to do with it. I don't know. I thought 404 00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:35,960 Speaker 1: so many different things, you guys. And I did speak 405 00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:38,480 Speaker 1: to a therapist about it. I think I was, I 406 00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:42,520 Speaker 1: don't know, about twenty three, and she gave me great 407 00:18:42,560 --> 00:18:44,520 Speaker 1: advice and I kind of after that. After I had 408 00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:46,760 Speaker 1: that conversation with her. I just left it behind. I said, Okay, 409 00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:48,720 Speaker 1: it is what it is. It's not my fault, it's 410 00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:51,639 Speaker 1: not my body's fault. It's just what happened. And I 411 00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:54,120 Speaker 1: kind of have to leave it there. After that miscarriage 412 00:18:54,119 --> 00:18:56,720 Speaker 1: is when I said, okay, I need to use condoms 413 00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:59,800 Speaker 1: because I wasn't. I didn't do birth control. I didn't 414 00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:01,920 Speaker 1: never did the pills. I didn't get my I U 415 00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:04,080 Speaker 1: D birth control until later I got the copper one. 416 00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:06,640 Speaker 1: But I just said, I I need to use condoms. 417 00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:09,080 Speaker 1: I don't want to go through this again, and so 418 00:19:09,119 --> 00:19:11,320 Speaker 1: should mind that therapist. That particular therapist help me a 419 00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:13,680 Speaker 1: lot with that. So I left it alone. And then 420 00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,840 Speaker 1: when I was doing the fertility and started the fertility 421 00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:18,600 Speaker 1: and all that stuff, and I found out about my 422 00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:21,600 Speaker 1: endometriosis and the CIST, it all came back again and 423 00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:24,159 Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, my goodness, does this have to do 424 00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:26,600 Speaker 1: with that? You know? And I did it in silence, 425 00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:29,480 Speaker 1: because you know, I think I actually told my husband 426 00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:31,240 Speaker 1: about it. He didn't have much to say about it. 427 00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:33,560 Speaker 1: He just kind of like, okay, you know, just it happens. 428 00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:35,000 Speaker 1: You know. He didn't make me feel bad about it. 429 00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:38,160 Speaker 1: He didn't nothing, and that was that. But it came 430 00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:40,800 Speaker 1: back to me and then I talked to my life 431 00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:43,639 Speaker 1: coach about it and again gave me great advice, and 432 00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:45,840 Speaker 1: I felt like, am I broken? You know, as a woman, 433 00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:48,040 Speaker 1: it's like, am I broken? Is something wrong with me? 434 00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:49,880 Speaker 1: And said, well, didn't you go to your fertility doctor? 435 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:51,560 Speaker 1: Like yeah, and what did he say? And I'm like, yeah, 436 00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:54,639 Speaker 1: you're right. So it's just coming back and speaking to 437 00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:58,120 Speaker 1: people about it, and and ladies that have had miscarriages. 438 00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:01,119 Speaker 1: I feel for you. I know what it is. I 439 00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:04,600 Speaker 1: know that it's not something you just talk about and 440 00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:07,520 Speaker 1: and you do sometimes feel like it's something wrong with me. 441 00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:10,240 Speaker 1: These are the things that I think. So I'm with you, 442 00:20:10,359 --> 00:20:13,639 Speaker 1: my heart's with you, and don't feel ashamed. I think 443 00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:15,920 Speaker 1: it happens so much and a lot of us don't 444 00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:19,080 Speaker 1: talk about it. And the aftercare that's important to have 445 00:20:19,359 --> 00:20:21,040 Speaker 1: that I didn't do because I was so young and 446 00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:24,119 Speaker 1: didn't know. Don't be ashamed, not everyone. You don't have 447 00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:26,600 Speaker 1: to tell everyone like I'm doing right now, but it 448 00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:30,400 Speaker 1: is something that just know it's okay, and thank goodness 449 00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:33,800 Speaker 1: for fertility doctors that can help us if we need it. 450 00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:37,800 Speaker 1: So I did want to just state that because I 451 00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:40,520 Speaker 1: know a few of my friends have had them and 452 00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:42,959 Speaker 1: we've had these conversations, and even when they would tell 453 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:45,400 Speaker 1: me they had them, I didn't necessarily tell them about mine. 454 00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:48,879 Speaker 1: I didn't think it was necessary to share it with, 455 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:51,840 Speaker 1: for instance, Emilio, unless I think he asked. If you 456 00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:53,640 Speaker 1: were to ask me, well, now he's gonna know because 457 00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:56,240 Speaker 1: he's gonna hear the podcast. But if you were to 458 00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:59,159 Speaker 1: ask me, I would definitely just say yeah. I mean, 459 00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:01,880 Speaker 1: I think it's something so personal that I don't feel 460 00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:04,320 Speaker 1: the need to share it with the relationship with a 461 00:21:04,359 --> 00:21:06,320 Speaker 1: significant other. It's something that I didn't think throughout the 462 00:21:06,359 --> 00:21:09,439 Speaker 1: years that I had to share unless they asked. I 463 00:21:09,480 --> 00:21:12,120 Speaker 1: didn't tell a Medio. But now he knows and we'll 464 00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:14,120 Speaker 1: have a conversation about it. But I think it's something 465 00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:17,600 Speaker 1: that happened before him, and it's part of my story. 466 00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:22,520 Speaker 1: I feel like, you know, but I think maybe I 467 00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:25,800 Speaker 1: should because I know he really wants children, and I've 468 00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:29,240 Speaker 1: had the conversation with him what if I can't. What 469 00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:32,280 Speaker 1: if my body just says I can't have kids? Are 470 00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:34,800 Speaker 1: you going to be okay with that? And he says yes? 471 00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:37,320 Speaker 1: Because he doesn't have any children of his own, but 472 00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:40,160 Speaker 1: we don't know. So that's why I'm gonna I'm going 473 00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:42,480 Speaker 1: through again through the fertility process because I do want 474 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:43,720 Speaker 1: to freeze my eggs and I want to make sure 475 00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:45,280 Speaker 1: that I have that option and I have them. They're 476 00:21:45,359 --> 00:21:47,960 Speaker 1: just in case for whatever reason. I mean, I would 477 00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:50,119 Speaker 1: be okay with having a surrogate if I can't carry 478 00:21:50,119 --> 00:21:52,800 Speaker 1: the baby for whatever reason, as long as it's his 479 00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:55,560 Speaker 1: sperm oror embryo, which would be my egg and his 480 00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:58,879 Speaker 1: sperm in in someone else as a surrogate. I'm okay 481 00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:00,399 Speaker 1: with that. I asked him, and he's I yeah, that 482 00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:02,399 Speaker 1: he's okay with that as well. But he wants to 483 00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:06,200 Speaker 1: try naturally and try everything before that. So we've talked 484 00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:08,159 Speaker 1: about it, and I think now is the time that 485 00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:10,440 Speaker 1: I'm gonna have to talk about him. Maybe maybe before 486 00:22:10,440 --> 00:22:13,359 Speaker 1: this episode airs, I'll talk to him about about this 487 00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:15,760 Speaker 1: whole topic and let him know about that. I'm sure 488 00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:17,520 Speaker 1: he'll be fine with it. He understands. You know what 489 00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:19,399 Speaker 1: happened A long time agout you guys, because I'm not 490 00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:22,000 Speaker 1: sure sometimes if I want to have children. There are 491 00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:25,280 Speaker 1: times when I love kids and kids love me. I 492 00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:29,560 Speaker 1: love loving on my friends kids, my sister's kids, my 493 00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:33,080 Speaker 1: nieces and nephews. Like I love children, but I've raised 494 00:22:33,119 --> 00:22:34,720 Speaker 1: so many that I don't know. I feel like I've 495 00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:37,879 Speaker 1: already done that. I've gone to school conferences, I've done everything, 496 00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:40,840 Speaker 1: you know, with Johnny and Jessica and even Jackie. I 497 00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:42,639 Speaker 1: would take her to her first day of school in 498 00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:44,679 Speaker 1: high school, you guys, even in high school. I mean 499 00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:46,639 Speaker 1: to go open up her locker to show her all 500 00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:49,359 Speaker 1: her classes. Like I was a mom. I've been a 501 00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:52,439 Speaker 1: mom since I can remember, So I don't know. But 502 00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:56,080 Speaker 1: then I stopped saying I don't want kids because then 503 00:22:56,119 --> 00:22:59,320 Speaker 1: I felt like the words that I was speaking, we're 504 00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:03,960 Speaker 1: causing things in my body, like cysts killing my eggs. 505 00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:05,840 Speaker 1: But that's basically what cis we're doing. We're killing my 506 00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:08,720 Speaker 1: eggs to not have children. So it changes things, and 507 00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:10,960 Speaker 1: it's like, Okay, now my body is actually telling me 508 00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:13,160 Speaker 1: that there's a possibility I can't. So when it's like 509 00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:16,200 Speaker 1: you can't, then you want it, you know. So I'm 510 00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:18,320 Speaker 1: trying to change my words, and I'm like, if it's 511 00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:20,959 Speaker 1: meant to be, it'll be. Like I said earlier in 512 00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:24,680 Speaker 1: one of my episodes, I'm not necessarily trying to get pregnant, 513 00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:27,720 Speaker 1: but I'm not on birth control. I'm just kind of like, God, 514 00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:30,640 Speaker 1: if this is what's meant to be, it's going to be. 515 00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:33,560 Speaker 1: I am on hormone therapy, so I'm sure that has 516 00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:36,800 Speaker 1: some effect on why I'm not getting pregnant. But according 517 00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:40,520 Speaker 1: to Dr Gader, my fertility doctor, I can and I 518 00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:43,240 Speaker 1: should probably try getting pregnant soon. He also said that 519 00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:45,280 Speaker 1: the cysts will go away once I have kids, that 520 00:23:45,359 --> 00:23:48,000 Speaker 1: my body is also asking to have kids. But also 521 00:23:48,119 --> 00:23:50,240 Speaker 1: if I keep those cysts in there, they're killing my eggs. 522 00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:52,920 Speaker 1: So it's just a lot of things. And I thought 523 00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:55,480 Speaker 1: maybe I should talk about the miscarriage and talk about 524 00:23:55,520 --> 00:23:58,960 Speaker 1: that moment in my life that was really scary, and 525 00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:02,359 Speaker 1: I probably should have told my mom and I was 526 00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:04,400 Speaker 1: going to keep the baby. Um him and I talked 527 00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:06,639 Speaker 1: about it's like okay, well, well you know, yeah, like 528 00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:08,120 Speaker 1: we gotta keep the baby. I just need some time 529 00:24:08,119 --> 00:24:11,520 Speaker 1: to talk to my mom. I'm scared, but things happened. 530 00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:13,679 Speaker 1: I'm a firm believer that things happened for a reason. 531 00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:17,359 Speaker 1: That is my story. Because I felt that I needed 532 00:24:17,359 --> 00:24:19,679 Speaker 1: to do an episode on it because again, the media 533 00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:24,840 Speaker 1: twists so many things, and their clickbait is crazy. Thank 534 00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:27,160 Speaker 1: God for My Chickens and Chill podcast because I can 535 00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:30,480 Speaker 1: talk about anything and everything here with you guys. Thank 536 00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:32,920 Speaker 1: you guys so much for listening to today's episode. This 537 00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:34,960 Speaker 1: one was definitely a tough one to open up about, 538 00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:38,200 Speaker 1: and if you're struggling with a similar situation, just no, 539 00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:41,400 Speaker 1: you're not alone. There are resources out there to help you. 540 00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:44,280 Speaker 1: Will actually list some of the resources in this episode 541 00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:46,560 Speaker 1: show notes, so make sure you look out for those. 542 00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:50,639 Speaker 1: And today's motivational Monday quote is I am not what 543 00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:55,280 Speaker 1: happened to me. I am what I choose to become Again, 544 00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:58,520 Speaker 1: you guys are amazing all the listeners. You guys have 545 00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:01,520 Speaker 1: made this podcast one of the popular ones, so I 546 00:25:01,560 --> 00:25:11,520 Speaker 1: am so grateful. This is a production of I Heart 547 00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:15,600 Speaker 1: Radio and Michael Dura podcast Network. Follow us on Instagram 548 00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:19,320 Speaker 1: at Michael Dura Podcasts and follow me chick ees that's 549 00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:23,240 Speaker 1: c h I q U I s. For more podcasts 550 00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:27,520 Speaker 1: from My Heart, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, 551 00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:29,560 Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.