00:00:08 Speaker 1: Well, I invited you. Hear thought. I made myself perfectly clear. But you're a guess to me. You gotta come to be empty, and I said, no, guests, your presence is presence enough. I already had too much stuff, So how did you dare to surbey me? 00:00:48 Speaker 2: Welcome to I said, no gifts. I'm bridgerd Weininger. Time is passing by. It's been a week. It's maybe maybe been a month for you since you last heard from me. Maybe it's been years. Time is passing is closing in. I'm so happy you're here. I hope you're feeling well. If you're not, hopefully by the end of the podcast you'll be feeling terrific. Today I'm here with a one of the funniest people maybe on the planet. She's a comedy writer, but she's also now a big time author, Best Calp. Welcome to the show, Bess, Thank you Bacher. 00:01:23 Speaker 3: This is my author voice. It's beautiful. You need You've been developing this for years. 00:01:28 Speaker 4: Yes, can you hear my glasses? My Eileen Fisher tunic. 00:01:33 Speaker 2: I'm visualizing right now. My hair is graying, just cascading over your shoulders. You haven't conditioned in weeks now I live in. Bess has a new book. It's called Nobody will tell you this but me. I have read the book and it's incredibly funny but also made me cry multiple times. And so this is an exciting time for you. I mean, just a few things about Bess. She's a new mother, she's moving into a new house, she's got a new book, and so obviously big priority is being on my podcast. That's right, taking the time out of her Saturday to come here and listen to me talk best. What should we get into first? You're moving into a new house. How I am? I am? 00:02:23 Speaker 4: It's a It's a NonStop joy ride. 00:02:29 Speaker 2: It's been so easy. Of course, there's been love. It's been lovely. I don't even think about it's been a I mean I feel like you have had as someone in a one bedroom apartment, I just have avoided this sort of thing. But once you start getting into a house, you start dealing with people. That's right. 00:02:48 Speaker 5: You've dealt with some tough types. Yes, I've dealt with ruffians. I've dealt with I've dealt with that abouts. You've dealt with gout her snipes, bureaucrats. 00:02:58 Speaker 2: I've dealt with. I've dealt with. 00:02:59 Speaker 4: I dealt with the man I have. It's not the worst the worst thing I, as Bridger knows. And and now America, and let's be honest, the world will know. 00:03:09 Speaker 2: The world is watching someone deep in Japan right now. 00:03:14 Speaker 4: Someone someone in deep Japan, forest, subterranean, just a little transistor. 00:03:19 Speaker 2: Radio, someone taking a forest bath. They're trying to relax, and they're about to just be the smell of cherry bloff, filled with anxiety over bureaucracy and getting a home finished. That's right. 00:03:33 Speaker 4: I went up against the Los Angeles Department of Water and Power, nine months pregnant. I used myself as my I use my unborn child as my own prop to see if expedite. 00:03:44 Speaker 2: E, would you have a child? 00:03:45 Speaker 4: I know this was it. This was This was a precisely timed long con. Mommy is a little con jop. 00:03:56 Speaker 2: No. I I used my child as a prop and they laughed me out. Well was it over? It felt like to me this vote from what I recall, somebody who just needed to feel some control in their life, some power over another human being. I'm going to say the most horrifying sentence that has been recorded, which is this person graduated college in twenty sixteen. Oh God, Grave, you were dealing with a fourteen year old boy. Yeah, he's just a mean street. 00:04:22 Speaker 4: I know, with his with his spots on his face, his glass is held together by tape, grass stands on his No. 00:04:30 Speaker 2: I mean he looked like a man. And I was just. 00:04:33 Speaker 4: This, this hormonal cow with a wikipedia's knowledge the way cable is run from the street to a home. And as man looked at me and said, we can't air condition you are baby. 00:04:50 Speaker 2: This is so. This was just power the air conditioning. This was just a power the air conditioning. 00:04:55 Speaker 4: And you know, not to be not to you know, listen, every body can tell that I am covered in times and first not to not to be that, but also heat. I would have loved heat too. And he told he told mommy's baby. 00:05:10 Speaker 2: No, and what was his Also, I don't want to get you into any legal trouble beyond I will defend the sky. Listen. 00:05:19 Speaker 4: I've seen every episode of Damages, as you know, most episodes of the Good Wife, the sexiest ones. And I can stand before a judge and say, this is a. 00:05:29 Speaker 2: Fishing absolutely, your honored, this is a fishing extra And I bet he would stand up and clap, and I bet he would cry. Yes, he would probably connect with you as a good wife watcher. That's right, you could talk. That's right. You go. I'm sorry you teamed Florida. It means nothing to me. That means everything to the manager listens to. 00:05:52 Speaker 3: I said, no gifts and the good fight, good fight, the good averse. This is my good fighting side. And and so what. 00:06:06 Speaker 2: We're what what? What? 00:06:06 Speaker 3: What? 00:06:07 Speaker 4: What are we talking about? Okay, so here, here's what it was. We bought a falling. 00:06:12 Speaker 2: Down old hash Sure, essentially. 00:06:16 Speaker 4: It was it was it was there was sort of a rat enjoying a bean. 00:06:21 Speaker 2: Anyway, We had this old house. 00:06:23 Speaker 4: I wanted to put it up to code, and I had to beg a young bureaucrat to do that in a reasonable timeline. A few months and he said eight months. And he said it will be eight months, two and nine months pregnant. So we were moving. 00:06:37 Speaker 2: Now. 00:06:37 Speaker 4: My son is now a gynecologist, respected, a. 00:06:43 Speaker 6: Revered, a disgraced enough time to be revered, and then has fallen from absolutely canceled. 00:06:55 Speaker 2: We all thought he was going place. We did. We did. The amount of money I poured into that baby's education best. You and I have known each other I think for about five years, yes, former co workers. Yes, we've been through a lot together. Yes, I mean. One big event I can say right off the bat is we've been to the Scientology Center and just lied, lied to the people. I mean, should I be mentioning this religion? Maybe we should change its name, maybe we should call it Scienceology. We've been to the Scienceology. We went and got our personality test. 00:07:32 Speaker 1: We did. 00:07:33 Speaker 4: We got the Oxford personality test. Here's I mean for four men in hakone let's explain. So we bridge and I we read, we read going clear? 00:07:45 Speaker 2: Yes, And what was the other one? Inside Scientology? I read I really oh deed in about twenty fourteen. I went all over it, all overboard. Yeah. But we were curious, right, and I did what I do, which is I read like the first eighty pages of something and then never stopped talking about it. Well, I think with Scientology, you've got the idea. Yes, but we were both angry, yeahc to say, we were both steaming mad, but also so intrigued. 00:08:14 Speaker 4: Yes, And we were sitting there in our office with our dear lovely friend Jeff, who wanted to die put. 00:08:22 Speaker 2: Up with what's happening here for about eight hours a day. Yes, this was right. Now. 00:08:27 Speaker 4: If Jeff is listening to this, it is because it's part of exposure therapy that his therapist is making him do. 00:08:34 Speaker 2: He listened to us, right. Part of a romance novel. 00:08:38 Speaker 4: Yeah, part of four romance novels. It was a quadrilogy, a google. 00:08:42 Speaker 2: The guarantee was going to be that every page someone would have sex. Yes, and we stayed true to that promise until we stopped writing a book. 00:08:51 Speaker 4: Yes, I would say, I would say the book delivered NonStop, passionless sex written from the perspective of I would say, a middle aged woman who very clearly has never had. 00:09:03 Speaker 2: Never even maybe even seen some like a visual representation of sex, Like I'm talking to someone who guessed textures, guests, an alien kind of poking in the dark at the idea of human sexuality. Right, Maybe she'd. 00:09:18 Speaker 4: Seen a diagram, possibly, but maybe just a constellation where they said that's a woman, that's a man. 00:09:26 Speaker 2: No, just have him go at it. It's somewhere in the New England countryside. 00:09:31 Speaker 3: It was. 00:09:31 Speaker 2: It was New England, both in the universe, in the quadri in the quadrilla verse. 00:09:37 Speaker 4: Uh, the it was a small sleepy town. I don't want to give away too much. 00:09:43 Speaker 2: Because it's going to be I mean, you're now an author, you have power to get this thing. People after your book, they're going to be said, where's the sex? That's right, they would say, I loved the Grandma book. I loved it. Where was the heat? Where was where? Where was the The bodice was unripped. I felt nothing below my waist. You could stab me in the leg. It was completely numb. I was numb. I had ayelchair. 00:10:10 Speaker 4: This book is my current book is I would say it is an epidural. You could have your legs cut off, cut off. You could have your legs cut off our book. On the other hand, you're gonna have to watch, just your watch. 00:10:26 Speaker 2: I can't read. You're gonna have to. You're gonna have to read in a padded room. You're gonna have to. You're gonna have to. 00:10:33 Speaker 4: Let's just put it this way. It's a it's a box of tissues a page. God, it's a horny book. But no, what we were doing with scientology was back to back to scientology. This is a linear conversation and kind. 00:10:48 Speaker 2: Of just stay on topic and really dig into something rather than bouncing a to b to see a handshake and we leave. People are always they know what's going on, and that's what's important. Right. People have many tabs. You can pause and come back and you'll know exactly what was. 00:11:06 Speaker 4: Yeah, you have missed a beat and you will follow along. Okay, Scientology. 00:11:14 Speaker 2: So I think we were both. We were titillated and mad. Yes, and they are begging people to come down and get their personality told to them. That's right, and through what kind of a scantron test? Yes, it was. It was. It was triggering. Yes, you go, So you go down to Scientology HQ. Right before we got there, though, we had to agree on a series of bizarre something more bizarre. We decided we were going to not give our name and also leave our driver's licenses in the car, that's in case we were asked for them and park around the corner. Park around the corner. They had cameras take care a license. Late. 00:11:58 Speaker 4: At this point, while we're planning this in the Jeff has just started saying, don't do this. This is a bad idea. I'm going to have to rescue you, which I think eventually you two will be with Shelley miscavige. But we agree in the conference room in Florida. 00:12:17 Speaker 2: I hope not Jesus Christ, Shelley, if you're out there and probably in Japan. 00:12:22 Speaker 4: Shelley, you're in Japan, Shelley, you're living a I like to think that she's in that hot tub. 00:12:27 Speaker 2: She's who we're talking. Our voices are crackling through, and she's just thinking, Oh, I'm not I haven't vanished completely. I'm alive. Yeah, David, I'm David. I'm a prune. I'm hungry for a little fish. I would love a little fish, a little rice. Just lie down. 00:12:46 Speaker 3: On the mat. 00:12:47 Speaker 2: I love that she's listening from Japan. You. Yes, Shelley, this is for you, your revenge. This is your revenge. I love this episode. So we park around the corner. We leave our goddamn driver's licensees in your glove compartment, and we agreed on names. I can't remember your name. Should we tell our fake name? We can't, I can't record. Yeah, So at this point my name was Damon Mountaineer. 00:13:23 Speaker 4: And my name was Helena Troy. God damn it, I'm a drag queen. 00:13:29 Speaker 2: I think we bought a really good Helena tro Troy's gorgeous. 00:13:34 Speaker 4: I have to change it because that's true. My name was Helena Crusoe. Okay, so we went in. 00:13:41 Speaker 2: With these fake names. But I think that was kind of the only information we agreed on, which was maybe not a great idea. Rest was fly by the seat of but we worst pants at the time. We didn't realize that when you go into what is kind of like this lifeless cubicle space. 00:13:57 Speaker 4: Yeah, well it's in a former hospital. It's in the hospital on something. Yes, painted blue, painted a horrible blue, which is their worst. 00:14:04 Speaker 2: The weirdest blue possible. Yes, clearly bought on clearance or something hardware store was closing down the color. Yes, that's why it's on clearance. In their right mind would paint something the color of painters tape. You don't know where the this is somehow made a hospital look worse. Right, let's make people more anxious. But they kind of guide you into this room and then immediately separate you, which is something we had not counted. 00:14:36 Speaker 4: All right, We did, I think, agree on one thing, which is don't let them tear. 00:14:40 Speaker 2: Us apart, and we immediately gave up killer goodbye. No, I was, I was. I was terrified. I was. 00:14:51 Speaker 4: I think we were both I'll say it. I think we were both more scared for the other person than for us. 00:14:55 Speaker 2: Of course, of course, but we're also willing to betray the other's right. 00:15:01 Speaker 4: As soon as the slightest, the slightest provocation, I would kill I. 00:15:08 Speaker 2: Would have asked to do it. I would as as as your dear friend. I would have wanted to be the one, and of course to throw out. But yeah, they so they separate you from maybe like a half hour, would you say, protest, which is but we. 00:15:24 Speaker 4: Did agree on how our personalities would be different because we wanted to game the system. 00:15:29 Speaker 2: Oh, I don't remember plan I'm. 00:15:33 Speaker 4: Being this is this is the part where Jeff said, you're going to forget this. 00:15:37 Speaker 2: Neither of you can commit to this. Good at improv neither of you are good at anything. Neither of you can even come up with a coherent storyline. Look at your book. 00:15:48 Speaker 4: Yes, it delivered the it delivered the titillating Can I say, can I say jizz? You can say, yes, it delivered the jizz Jeff Yellow listen rated XOCA podcast, and but it didn't deliver the coherent narrative you expect from two people who in conversation. 00:16:12 Speaker 2: Are so very are just kind of very very and easy to understand. What's going on a flowing river. You would be a psycho, a psychopath who would be definitely committed to sea or I was going to be somebody there ready to be part of the organization. 00:16:30 Speaker 4: Yes, and I would try to be an officer, and it required you to be erratic, show signs of severe trauma, and love the sort of prison industrial complex, and love authority, the perfect guy. Describe a toilet for a tooth billion years. 00:16:51 Speaker 2: And I would have This is I've been talking back to me. Remember I sent in one hundred. But this is okay. But what you're about to say is not how we planned on it. This is where it became a problem, right, because we kind of agreed on these basic qualities. We went into the things and interviewed, but our stories became started to go in a way that was not good for because later they would reconvene and talk about us, and I was telling I essentially told them that I was a drifter with a gambling problem who had seen his brother die in a lake. That's right from the Phil Collins. But you are also fine. You were also my financial you were my yes, was in charge of your moment. You're the guardian of my estate. But meanwhile you're telling them. 00:17:35 Speaker 4: I'm telling them I've been this. So I wanted to be an officer. And by the way, with that scantron test I paid, I was sweating. 00:17:44 Speaker 2: I was working harder than when I took the SAT God. I needed to get every question right because I had to be an officer and the questions, the questions of the scienceology test were difficult because no circle is answer right right right there. But I so I told them this. 00:18:04 Speaker 4: Helena's backstory was she was grieving because that's a big cell. 00:18:08 Speaker 2: It's like, we can get you over, agreed. They ask you like, tell us about some traumatic things have happened to me best. That's where my leg story came from. And what my father, Yes, and who was in charge of a telecom. 00:18:21 Speaker 4: Or he was big in Hollywood and he his money was from big telecom, which if you had a gun to my head, I couldn't tell you what that means. 00:18:31 Speaker 2: I think that means he installs phones. Yeah, I mean I think at this point it's kind of a succession style Roy Star had in this situation. Is this character on Succession. You were the drifter who watched it. I was the guy who dies in the lake. You were the guy who dies a spoiler. That's a spoiler of season one. But I'm sorry. You were the sexy waiter. I was who was. 00:18:57 Speaker 4: And I was in a turtleneck and pants with an ask them. 00:19:00 Speaker 2: Kind of claying every side. I was, yeah, well, I'm kind of just being forgotten and kind of tweaking in your in your water logged car. Yeah, kind of the only person who remembers me is Kendall Roy. Oh, I forgot. I'll never forget you. But yeah, So I was telling him I wasn't somehow you were telling them I was in charge of your money. Well, I was telling them I had a gambling The. 00:19:23 Speaker 4: Other thing, the other thing that we had agreed on, which is we can't give them money because we both I think knew how week we were. 00:19:32 Speaker 2: I think having to agree that we weren't going to give them any money. 00:19:36 Speaker 4: Implicitly in that is we're going to be separated and we're going to do whatever they. 00:19:40 Speaker 2: Yes, it's essentially a sales situation, and I will buy, I will buy so but yeah, that's uh. And then later they obviously I think mine ended a little bit before yours, and so I was shuffled off into something to watch a video about suicide or some dark that got going on. And then you were inside and then they they took me to the inter Sanctum. That's right. They took you to a place. I think they were like, oh, this guy, because the last thing I told him I was like, oh, I'm sorry, I can't come to any meetings. This is this weekend. 00:20:08 Speaker 4: I'm going to Reno, right, a place where only a drifter would go. We just there goes our Reno audience. And then they took you into some other They gave me banana chips, which was very luxurious because I was very hungry at this point, and I think they knew that that's insane. 00:20:24 Speaker 2: It was hungry because I was. 00:20:26 Speaker 4: I think they saw how much potassium I had lost through my sweat, and you know, baby needed gorp. But I but look, I so I did what very I'm here to tell you and Shelley that I did very well on the Oxford Personality Test because I answered according to what I knew. They were looking for sure we were trying to game them, that we were being hopelessly gamed. I said all of the right things. I said that I love. One of the weirdest. 00:20:58 Speaker 2: Questions was how comfortable are you with being punished without an explanation? And I was I was like, great, I love it. I love it. And I also said I. 00:21:08 Speaker 4: Love doing the punishing. And I think as I answered that, I was like, oh my god, this is the first time I've been honest with myself. 00:21:18 Speaker 2: Yeah I did. I mean, to this day, it's like, what was the most wormative experience? And really, but it's like when I joined idology, because from that day forward you found yourself. 00:21:28 Speaker 4: But here's where I really used the craziest part of my brain. 00:21:33 Speaker 2: This is I don't love this about me. And so I'll tell everyone. 00:21:37 Speaker 4: You're given an E meter reading yes, and there's no way to fake that because it's fake nonsense. And so they'll like, you know, you put lotion on your hands, and. 00:21:45 Speaker 2: They put like a cheap Yeah, for all that money, Tom Cruise, for all that movie money, movie stars. 00:21:57 Speaker 4: Stars on the planet, I don't know why about I still think I have a chance with Tom Cruise, And that's why that's I think we all do. 00:22:03 Speaker 2: I think we all? You and I both this is our next gambite us Tom's number. Let us Tom. It'll be like a competition. That's right. Honestly, I would watch this movie. I would write the first four pages of this movie and forget about it. A Google doc with you. 00:22:22 Speaker 4: Okay, so we so we're then after our E meter reading, Uh, interviewed by two people, and you had an older South African woman. 00:22:32 Speaker 2: That's right, I told you have My memory is truly horrified. 00:22:37 Speaker 4: Again, the most important day of my life. I learned about myself. 00:22:41 Speaker 2: Yeah maybe like a fifty five year old South African largest. Oh yeah. She was really a beautiful uh probably at some point hopeful individual. She sort of had the vibe of Holly Hunter in Top of the Lake. 00:22:54 Speaker 5: Yes, like. 00:22:56 Speaker 3: Amazing gray wisdom, but the earthiness just pull. 00:23:01 Speaker 4: She was in her polyesters caterer style at the worst cousin's wedding. That's right, like, oh the shrimp is warm. 00:23:14 Speaker 2: I can't believe you remember that. Okay, So they take you off, they give you banana chips, which is so just say that. 00:23:20 Speaker 4: This is where I say that I'm a psychopath, and and why I why I am absolutely bad is that my person who I was interviewed by was clearly sick. He had the flu, and in scienti science ology, you can't get sick. Yeah, that's right, And so he was denying it the whole time. This guy with red, puffy eyes, runny nose, like sleepy and yellow, you know, he was just like sallow. 00:23:47 Speaker 2: I think maybe he had jaundice. I'm sure he clearly had the flu. And this bro who was like a he was like a. 00:23:54 Speaker 4: He was a bro kind of guy who would like go into banking, but wasn't smart enough to actually make a lot of money, so just did coke and that made bad friends. And so this bro who got sold up the river by scientology looks at me and goes, I'm not I'm not sick. 00:24:12 Speaker 2: I just I'm not sick. I that I've lost my voice from talking to people all day. And so I megged. 00:24:21 Speaker 4: Him throughout the whole time he was interviewing me. I was like, if you're not feeling well, we can do this another time, I could talk to someone else. Or if you're not feeling well, do you need a cough chop or a tissue yourself for some grapefruit juice. I may as well, but I kept saying, if you're not feeling well, I reclaimed the power. 00:24:40 Speaker 2: That's incredible. If she promoted me, I know, because I know that he can't be sick if he's and so I kept telling him that he was sick. This little bitch, you absolutely could take over too. I think that's how we get Shelley back. Yeah, you just rise up. Listened to this except for Shelley us turn off now, d now, David, move on. If you meet like a young, uh gorgeous, ambitious woman feels like she's climbing the ranks at a really fast rate, promote, promote. It's funny because I look so bad because I haven't slept in three months. 00:25:18 Speaker 4: No, I'm an infant. 00:25:22 Speaker 2: The Yeah, so that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna rise up the ranks. I'm gonna take it down. 00:25:25 Speaker 4: And I guarantee that's how everyone in scientology. 00:25:31 Speaker 2: It's full of people who came in like us and ended up being like, you know, it's a practical, it's a philosophy. I got a you know, kind of a family at this point. Yeah, I got a ani de presence. 00:25:42 Speaker 4: And now I'm just perversely attached to my mentor here because I'm hanging on mentally by a threat. 00:25:48 Speaker 2: I was looking for a community that smokes right, community that just talks to people on the street. No, Bess, of course this podcast is called I said no Gifts, and I invited you you here maybe last week and made it pretty clear what the title of the podcast was. I feel like it's kind of explains the one ground rule. And then I hear you kind of clicking down the hallway towards the studio earlier, and you come through the door holding a bag. Yes, did you bring me a gift? Bride? I hate to say it, I brought you a gift. Unbelievable. I'm sorry. So do you want me to open it now on the podcast or is this something I should wait till later. This is the only time either of us can carve out of the day for us, I'm very busy. I know that you don't have much going on, and so no. As I said, the move is easy. Everyone should move with an infant. It's easy. It's nice move once a year, foliating. Just it is. 00:26:54 Speaker 4: My skin has never looked better from packing boxes and crying. Okay, I brought this bag. And the bag I guess you know, Shelley, if you're still listening, the. 00:27:07 Speaker 2: Bag is amazing, because would you go ahead and read it? It's a CBL fine art. West Orange. 00:27:14 Speaker 4: West Orange is a town in New Jersey where my grandparents live. My sweet grandparents came across the country to meet their great grandson with a bag of gifts in the bag. 00:27:25 Speaker 2: From the art store that they got it. 00:27:28 Speaker 4: My grandma held this bag on my living grandma, my grandma Judy, who I love. 00:27:33 Speaker 2: She held this on her lap on the airport. Oh, that's incredibly sweet, and took. 00:27:37 Speaker 4: Out all kinds of noisemakers that I immediately threw. 00:27:41 Speaker 2: Out bothering me. No, I didn't have the baby for it to developmentally learn. I had a baby. I had a baby to scam the city. Those toys have all been given to your cats. 00:27:57 Speaker 4: They've been given to my cats, who are currently humping them at home, my real baby. 00:28:05 Speaker 2: So this I did not know that. 00:28:08 Speaker 4: I did not know that we would be telling our scientology story on the podcast. 00:28:12 Speaker 2: Oh your kid not play interesting? Oh, I'm very excited to see whatever lies thematically it is, I would say linked Oh, my good grief. I can't wait to open whatever what Basically Bess has just removed something from the bag that is I would say, roughly ten inches by ten inch square, wrapped in a blue tissue. 00:28:30 Speaker 3: Paper wrapped is nice? Im me try this is? This is like a me level wrapping. I would say, maybe a little bit better than I would do. 00:28:39 Speaker 4: Yeah, I will say, I'm normally a very good I feel like you would be a good wrap gift wrapper. And I take giving you gifts very seriously. 00:28:46 Speaker 2: You are. I mean, you've given me some beautiful things. I gave you a tombstone for a cat you didn't have. It was incredible, which lies in my closet for the next cat I get to die. So we're looking like fifteen to twenty years down the road, this thing will be left hopefully a thirty year old cat still living him through college and then try to get him out. But then what else is new you? Let's see, you've also given me just a desk which is in my bedroom currently lamp bedside lamps. I mean, basically, my I am that person who's taking advantage of you. I'm that person you would just let me control your finances. Let me okay, let's see what's happening here. We'll get some, you know, for the gift wrap freaks. This is the sound that you love. Just unwrapped this. Let's see here. Okay, so this is Oh my goodness, this is a is this tarot cards? Read who it's from? It's oh, show the discretion. Wait, I don't know, show God, see what is it called? 00:30:02 Speaker 4: I want to say, no country for old wild wild country. 00:30:06 Speaker 3: This is. 00:30:08 Speaker 2: Credible. This is this is the life all of the salad barsson, the salad bars and something. 00:30:15 Speaker 4: So this is life advice from a man who got his best course of action was to poison a town. 00:30:20 Speaker 2: Oh, this is incredible. He spread kind of like fecal matters throughout salad bars, followers poop in the Oregon. I need to go back to looking cat. It looks beautiful and everybody in red and red kind of time of your life? Who was number two in the organization? I loved her? Sheila, Sheila man a Sheila man a Sheila queen and a goddess who actually made good. This I mean to me, this makes me think there's some sort of power with O. Show I do too, because why else would we have been talking about another powerful cult. This whole thing is show. I have to stress that there was no this is this is in a Vegas style hand. 00:31:02 Speaker 4: And neither of us are good enough actors to pull off this. Actually Bridger is of course, of course castaway. This is I'm opening. I'm just frantically opening. 00:31:13 Speaker 2: Oh my god, this okay. So I've got the Tarot cards out. I wish I knew how to read tarot, because I would do your tarrort. 00:31:19 Speaker 4: I don't know how to read tarot either. The reason I got this is it was on super sale because after Oceha went down, this has been this has been in my house for. 00:31:27 Speaker 2: A long time. 00:31:29 Speaker 4: I couldn't say no to it because they sold this to me from a bookstore for one dollar ninety nine cents, which it was right, I'd rather not say this. 00:31:42 Speaker 2: Was Let's just put it this way. 00:31:44 Speaker 5: Skylight, Skylight, wonderful bookstore in California. 00:31:52 Speaker 4: But once, but once, once the Wild World Country came out, they could nobody's You wouldn't line a dog craid with this. This is ya man who put poop in a beautiful town's a beautiful retirement town. 00:32:08 Speaker 2: Salad with that watch them die. 00:32:12 Speaker 4: But honestly, it looks gorgeous, and it's multi denominational. 00:32:15 Speaker 2: You and I come from different faiths, and but I think this is now our face. I think we're both going to just say good us. We both would look really interesting in red. Red is certainly not my color. Do you feel like I feel like you look. 00:32:30 Speaker 4: Good in a red You were saying that, but I think I would look I would look like a corpse. 00:32:35 Speaker 2: I'm so albino. And yeah, I think neither of our skin tone works. They would say that corpse bled out. I'm trying to think, what do what? So I bet you would look rosy. I don't think I would look There's no elements where people have been like, oh, yes, color and picture other than when I'm deeply sunburned. But we've got to do it. Yeah, it's what it's taught us. In a jumpsuit holding a machine gun. Can do purple, purple, Yeah, green, purple. Like I was wondering recently, would yellow be a color I could with that work on me? Oh, show allowed purple, purple, Let's see purple. Yeah. Yellow. By the way, the answer is yes, you'd look yellow. 00:33:20 Speaker 4: Yes, because Oscar dress Jessica Chastain, Where is that yes, but she can have to do a red lip. 00:33:29 Speaker 2: She looked like Jessica Rabbit, which I would love, of course. So I wonder if he did the art on these or. 00:33:38 Speaker 4: What probably had one of his sex lives. 00:33:40 Speaker 2: Oh, yeah, that's true. He had thousands of people just the kind of he was in his Yes, and he was. 00:33:46 Speaker 4: In the roles shooting guns, farming and having the time of their lives. 00:33:49 Speaker 2: Running like a gift shop. Yes, because that's how they get you. Yeah. Can you imagine going to a sail at that gift shop? I would be in hogham and Ritchie, you should go? Does it that em? I know it's still there. 00:34:03 Speaker 4: So I looked up when I when you said I said no gifts, I was like, finally there's somebody to give my oshow Taro deck to. 00:34:08 Speaker 2: Sure I would have given it to you even if it weren't in this setting. 00:34:12 Speaker 4: But the I looked up, I was like, please let this really be oh show, because I know when I bought it it was discounted to the extent that there was something horrible, that's right, And so. 00:34:26 Speaker 2: I googled the the thing on the back of it, and it tried to get me to go to poone India to their to their meditation for treat and he is I want to say dead. She was still alive. She was alive and it works Denmark, Yes, works with special needs that she had kind of amazing. I mean, despite like maybe being responsible for someone else. 00:34:54 Speaker 4: That's bad and also just taking advantage of thousands of manipulating them. 00:35:00 Speaker 2: Children were involved, but it started off as a mother. I would never manipulate No, not in a million years. But yeah, so somebody is still running the thing, but it's kind of become chill. There's like a corporate element to it on some level. Right, How beautiful this is. It's kind of got a salmon color. It's like somebody water colored this hand painting. And it has sixty beautiful cards illustrating parables and teaching stories from the world's greatest wisdom traditions, oh, Zen, Buddhism, all sorts of things here. It's a veritable salad bar. Yeah, of course, this is why you said best is one of the funniest comedians. This is it. This is you finally finally embarrassing all over his face. He's brought this woman on his podcast and she is done after done, just sort of whiffing. I keep saying what I can't hear you. I literally can't hear you. I was thinking recently maybe a new another podcast would be called Don't You Tell Me to Calm Down? And it's just two people kind of screaming, screaming at each other. If Jeff came off, I just feel him disapproving of. 00:36:21 Speaker 4: Us screaming I I really do want to. It's one of the funniest things I've ever read. Is a tweet that you wrote that was I. 00:36:30 Speaker 2: Just want to and I'm gonna I think nothing that I think there's nothing you would like better than me. Of course, kind of in the silence. 00:36:40 Speaker 4: I've never seen bridgermore quiet than when I said one of the funniest things I've heard. 00:36:45 Speaker 2: You may as well have started, but you could start playing a harp. Just give it just a little, just a lovely little atmosphere behind it so people can drink it in. But no. One of the truly is one of the funniest things I've ever read. It's a recent one and he said, I just want to get to the point in my career where I can end a phone call screaming. Figure it out. That's a real feeling. I know that it wasn't a joke. That's why I bring it up. I know, you know people are like, ha, what a cookie take. But I read it and I just said, yes, I'm ready. I'm ready to just start get their baby. And I would say, I want to be the person on the other hang up and go oh, I want to just want to die. She's a nightmare, he said. He looks amazing and purple, but he's a freaking nightmare ever since I got the tarot. No, yeah, this is going to change it. Let me ask you, how do you what is your general feeling on tarot bad? They were like, you don't enjoy any element of First of all, I don't want to know. I don't want you don't want to too much eyeliner telling me my how I'm going to die. 00:37:53 Speaker 4: I know how I'm going to die. And it's private, that's your little secret. It is roller blade underneath a low flying plane. 00:38:07 Speaker 2: Just kind of ripped off by the No, I di have a heart attack. It's not that low. Your heart already splashing, but the rollerblades take me down. She was dead before they yes, yes, she died three times. She kept coming back. Yeah, Taro. 00:38:34 Speaker 4: Here's what I think. I think it's nonsense. I think if you believe in it, then you know, more power to you. 00:38:40 Speaker 2: But you're an idyho. I mean I'm basically on the side of that. But in the last couple of years I've come to on some level with Taro and this sort of thing. It's like it's almost an as Mr level thing where I get to sit with someone and they get to say things to me, and I get to just kind of project whatever I feel onto the things they're putting in front of me. Right now, I really want to get I really want to get my sincerely. 00:39:09 Speaker 4: I know that. 00:39:09 Speaker 2: I mean I would know. I would like, I'm dying that I can't do this for you know, we're too stupid. I mean, I'm just gonna lay out three cards and describe what they look like readers. I know, it's like eight cards. 00:39:18 Speaker 4: Maybe that's what's powerful about Taro is that there all it's always something general and then you can project exactly stuff onto it. 00:39:25 Speaker 2: And that is what therapy is. 00:39:27 Speaker 4: So I'm someone going, oh, tell me more about that, and you're like, you know what, she's a genius. 00:39:30 Speaker 2: She went to Colombia and that I'm going to look at the carpet for thirty. 00:39:33 Speaker 4: Minutes comfortably, and by the way, lie through my teeth if I just want to. 00:39:37 Speaker 2: Like me, I'm not giving you any any entrance into what I actually have. Definitely not. Okay, So I'm putting down one card now. This first card is kind of two men kneeling in robes tossing no one Okay, so one is I think, tossing roses in the air. The other man has arrows flying down at him. Okay, so one's afraid. One is kind of joyous. It means, oh do I wait. Yeah, I'm gonna lay down. I'm so sorry. Fine, there's a science to taro that I'm very serious about. Good. Second card, we've got what I can only describe is the boyfriend teaching the girl how to throw a football style pose of a man behind a woman teaching her to shoot a bow and arrow, which is explaining catness. Yes, and he's kind of in a flowing like his robe is could very well be open, and he's obviously nude beneath that. 00:40:40 Speaker 4: While we're going to be wearing that's a red robe. That's what we're gonna be wearing when we. 00:40:43 Speaker 2: Live in poo. Yeah, and she's kind of in an Esmeralda style turquoise dress shooting a bow and arrow. And then finally we've got like a mother and a child with a plate they're approaching, a man with blue hair, topless man, so and each til a top topless boy, too topless boy. Yeah, we've got too topless males and a woman that okay, yeah, I'm going to say that's the mother or older friend or you know, May September, May November. Is that what the relationships called? Okay, so mastery of that's just that's just called Malibu Baby. That's Malibu living hoop in my corvette, single pointedness, and wait renewal. I was listening. Mastery of moods is kind of also a listening exercise for both of us. We're going to listen to another now. So for this first card with the men throwing the roses and also being murdered, I'm going to say, this is your upcoming year. You're going to have some you're gonna have praise, you're going to have the you've got the book coming out. People are going to be going crazy throwing down the rewards of the book. But at the same time, you've got murder murder, you're moving into a new house. You're talking about two separate cults. On a podcast, you're making yourself a target. 00:42:16 Speaker 4: Oh my god, I shouldn't have given my address so many times. 00:42:20 Speaker 2: I know, but that's what happens on a podcast. You get a little loose. And but I'm now noticing another detail on this. It says this too shall pass. Oh, so that maybe that goes out to Charlie, your husband and your son, who now have to move on without their mother. That's right, Mommy, Mommy got murdered. Mommy got murdered by oh show, Oh show came back dead. It was never dead. 00:42:47 Speaker 4: That tricky guy, of course, he's he's being That was a tax thing, another tax thing. 00:42:52 Speaker 2: He read the book and there was some level of jealousy. He wants to be a published author. That's right. 00:42:58 Speaker 4: Second, Oh, I'll introduce you to my it or she's love. You didn't have to try to murder. Get in touch, dm me. We follow each other. 00:43:09 Speaker 2: Second card, So man'splaining. I mean, I think we're I mean, I don't even want to get into this could mean. Why don't you tell me what it means? I don't even want to talk about the current state of affairs. This cancel culture. Cancel culture is a big theme of this podcast. I try to cancel somebody every episode. That's right. Usually it's my guest. Something we've said in the last there's always somebody just like nipping at our heels. But maybe, but let's just say surface level, somebody's going to teach you how to shoot a bow and arrow, but you're not going to learn enough to defend yourself in your own home. 00:43:49 Speaker 4: From O Show, back to the Dead, to pass over my boy and husband topless. 00:43:56 Speaker 2: Here, topless here. Yeah, next thing, what's going to be able to dress? Because mommy's not home? Of course, the only woman in the picture at this point is your son's older girlfriend. But I'm his girlfriend. 00:44:09 Speaker 3: Until you've seen me with the baby, you've seen me tell him, no one will ever love you like mommy loves you. 00:44:17 Speaker 2: Yes, I feel like he believes it's Oh my god. 00:44:20 Speaker 4: I mean I am literally my plan for my son. If I defy oh show as murder, if I actually have good my aim is true and I and I both and arrow him. 00:44:31 Speaker 2: Today, sure, which I would because he's a murderer. And that's that's okay. Also, just a Rolls Roice owner to cancel. Yeah, let's cancel Rolls Rooice owners in this account? Is the thinking behind somebody who makes that purchase. I don't know. I don't know. How does it not go through your mind that you're just people will hate me? Yes? I think if you're an elderly. 00:44:54 Speaker 4: Woman in Pobby, Florida, and you've. 00:44:58 Speaker 2: Paid your dues, this is murdered only acceptable, and like maybe have a dog for coat, Yes, a dog for coat and a dog. 00:45:06 Speaker 4: Also in a dog for coat because that's how much gaslighting you do. Then you can drive a Rolls Royce and I respect you. Yeah, that's the only other person anyone else. 00:45:16 Speaker 2: I'm not buying it. If you're below eighty years old and you're in a Rolls Royce out of Yeah, so that's interesting. I'm trying to think of how we got to Rolls Royce. Well, no, I will. 00:45:28 Speaker 4: I will say about marrying the baby, Yeah, yes, of course, because now I'm now I'm very sad because my I don't want to die before I can marry my son. 00:45:37 Speaker 2: And please let that be, Please let that be the que or whatever that is. Please let mommy live long enough to marry her baby boy. I've told you that I am at my son's wedding. 00:45:49 Speaker 4: Yes, my son, whose name I won't say because I'm fiercely protective of only one thing. 00:45:56 Speaker 2: Let's just call him. 00:45:57 Speaker 4: What do we call him? Let's call him Sparkle Little, So it's Sparkles's wedding. I will go up to the man or woman that he is marrying, and i will whisper into their ear. 00:46:13 Speaker 2: I'm wearing his hair in a locket around my. 00:46:16 Speaker 4: Neck, and then I'm gonna watch that person walk down the aisle toward my son and have the time. 00:46:22 Speaker 2: Of my life. Just she is complete? He or she yes here or she yes is completely. Let's be honest. It's my child. He absolutely, he is scared of He scared of mommy in law, a monster in law. At that point, they're going to be remaking the movie as well. I'll do it. Yeah, of course, I'll do right it, write it now, put it decided. Then it will be a period. 00:46:48 Speaker 3: That's right, put it decide. It'll be a quaint catch fire, yes, like the early twenty twenty. 00:46:55 Speaker 4: Yes, they're going to be like, oh we wore, we wore Coulottes o we love people. 00:47:02 Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a direct dig at me. I wear a lot of jumps Well, I want to wear a jumpsuit, but I just feel like I keep I keep thinking, am I too late for a jumpsuit? Then I'll go to a party and see someone in a jumpsuit. I think, oh, I'm maybe now, But then I wait up wearing the same jumpsuit. 00:47:19 Speaker 4: We've already talked about, right jumpsuits. At this point, we are We're circling the drain here. What this podcast is telling us is that we need to be embraced that we are autumns. 00:47:29 Speaker 2: We are absolutely autumns. 00:47:31 Speaker 4: We need to wear a maroon colored jumpsuit and join the cult that'll let us do that. 00:47:35 Speaker 2: Yes, just give us the freedom. Yeah. Well, I think we're at a point in the podcast where we could play a game. I've got a game called Gift or a Curse, And basically the rules are, I'm going to name three things, okay, and you're going to tell me if they're if you consider them a gift or a curse, and then you're gonna tell me why you're going to defend that, and then I'm going to tell if you're wrong, because I'm right. So, but first I'm gonna need a number between two and ten. Seven. Okay, I have to go into my calculator. I understand ancient computer. Huh let me seven. Okay, Bridger is moving the beads of an abacus. Okay, we're almost there. Oh, this is this is a good I think that we've got some good ones here. Okay, so number one? Best? Do you think gift her a curse? Scented candles? Curse? Curse? Why? 00:48:34 Speaker 4: That's the fastest answer I can give. Scented candles. Listen, I'm not a I'm not a Yankee candle gal. Sure, I am very sensitive to smells. 00:48:47 Speaker 2: Okay, sure, sure. 00:48:48 Speaker 4: And if I don't pick out the scent. If someone else is telling me what my home, my Mickey Mouse home should smell like, then that my friend is a curse. 00:49:00 Speaker 2: That's an invasion. That's an invasion that I would I would say that's an assault. No. But okay, so you're saying, if somebody gives you a scented candle, that's an absolutely yeah. I agree on that level. But oh the concept of oh I love a center. 00:49:14 Speaker 4: Because I was gonna say, oh, you know that I have scented candles in my house. 00:49:19 Speaker 2: I feel like everyone does. What sort of scented candles? I feel like you've got kind of some. I feel like kind of earthy smelling. 00:49:26 Speaker 4: Candle, sort of like an androgynous Yeah, yeah, I have sort of like a very like bespoke bullshit handle. You walk in and you're like, oh, this person saw what was on sale at APC. 00:49:38 Speaker 2: You know, do you have a favorite scent? I was given immediately back on what you said, You're alive. 00:49:49 Speaker 4: I'm a psychopathic. Can we admit to anythinggie? Is that a little stuffy? 00:49:53 Speaker 1: No? 00:49:56 Speaker 4: I think that's right. I think the only consistent thing about me is on. 00:50:00 Speaker 2: You read my pillow. I think the tarot worked. 00:50:06 Speaker 4: I'm finally realizing who I am, which is a pathological fool you. 00:50:11 Speaker 2: I will say this every few years, and then you'll realize who you are. 00:50:14 Speaker 3: The strongest man. I know I am the strongest man. I know I'm a strong man in a lot of lives. 00:50:20 Speaker 2: That's right, That's right, A lot of love. 00:50:22 Speaker 4: I think A scented candle I like this one from the former Stephen Allen outlet on. 00:50:29 Speaker 2: Hillhurst, which closed because I was the only person who ever went yeah, I was going to say, I'm not familiar the discount store of nice clothes? 00:50:36 Speaker 6: Now? 00:50:36 Speaker 2: Is this the place that was taken over recently by an expensive candy which will be closed? 00:50:40 Speaker 4: I'll never go You'll never go there. I'll go there as soon as my child is of age. Every day, get him lollipop so that he marries mommy. The Yeah, no, I I like one from there. I don't remember what it's called, Mary Lewis Louis. It has like little Sarah font in a big white Sure. 00:51:00 Speaker 2: It was kind of like a mysterious nice smell. Yeah, it's like it's it's like a eucalyptusy woodsy tobacco e okay, something that it's like a man lives here too, tobacco. It's an interesting We're totally okay with it. But when my Downsenter's neighbors are smoking, I'm called the police, Absolutely, the police. I hate these Yeah, I need the tobaccos constantly. What in the house. Yes, I mean we're not going to get into this now, but that's I'm at war with these two French Canadians. Of course they're French Canadians. Don't you know that. 00:51:35 Speaker 4: I don't care if we lose that whole audience of like TOOI they don't speak They speak French, but they speak it with the shittiest accent. 00:51:43 Speaker 2: Okay, now back off. There may we have one listener in Japan, that's right, possibly somebody in Montreal. I would love to live in Montreal, smoking and listening to this in the bank. Yeah, leave me alone. Okay, So okay, so I actually agree. Candles are scented candles for the most part, when you're in control of the situation. Or a gift, yeah, you know, you can get your house smelling nice. Yeah, let's move on to the next thing. Okay, gift or a curse? Carpeted bathrooms? I mean, what what worse? Pestilence? What that is? A plague? That's not a curse? A carpeted bathroom. You're just saying, I would like to be stepping on infinite P. I would like to be stepping on P, and then track that it's a litter box. A carpeted bathroom is a human litter box, and you're tracking it all over your house. What have you ever been in a carpeted I've never been. You've never been in a carpeted bathroom. 00:52:43 Speaker 4: It is, Oh, you don't go to like Sean Wayne Gacy's house, carpeted bathroom. 00:52:49 Speaker 2: There are two things that are truly architectural insanity, which are a carpeted bathroom and a light switch outside of a room, Oh, controls the light. That's that's if you're in a carpeted bathroom and then you realize there's no lights, which you're Okay, there's gonna be blood all over this carpet. I'm going to slip over the state. I mean, I've been in maybe more carpeted bathrooms than i'd like to. Is this a Utah thing? I might say a Utah thing? I mean because I'm you know, I'm from Utah. I don't recall. 00:53:22 Speaker 4: Is it that it's cold, and because I understand people not wanting to have their feet on cold bathroom. 00:53:28 Speaker 2: On some slippers, put on some sucks. Have a bath mat. Here's what I do. I have a bath mat. 00:53:34 Speaker 4: We have one bathroom in our house. I have a bath mat in front of the sink and a bath mat in front of the shower. 00:53:41 Speaker 2: That's all you need. But not in front of the toilet. You're getting a mildew all over that carpet. There's no way that's ever getting clean, not just the pea, the water, a carpeted bathroom. 00:53:52 Speaker 4: You did have a friend growing up whose parents had a plush toilet seat. 00:53:58 Speaker 2: Oh, that sort of thing is discussed, so discussing. But at the time I thought, this is the lap of literal lap of lovetury. At the time, I like, I couldn't wait to go over. 00:54:09 Speaker 4: And I will not say her name, she should be disgraced, But I couldn't wait to go over to her house. I would drink a ton of water that I actually I drinking pre son, and I would just sit there and wait to pee and'd be so happy. 00:54:24 Speaker 2: You couldn't go back to hard porcelain. I couldn't. I could not that sort of thing. I mean, I don't. I don't even I can't even begin to figure out why you would want that on a toilet. See that seems they make it. They make a it's like a terry cloth toilet seed. It does harry cloth. It's like a fluffy this There is no way that's ever been It was clean when it was installed, and then immediately playground for bacteria is playground that's the company name, Devil's Playground. Let's sit down, just sit on Hell. That is welcome to Hell. Okay, you know, I think I think you're actually two for two. I agree with you there. I think that a carpeted bathroom is a curse and also just like a sign of mania, you are a lunatic person or something's going on and have your voting rights taken away. Absolutely the best final item on the list, Quaker Oatmeal Squares. The Cereal Quaker Oatmeal Squares comes in. I think it's like a blue box. You've of course got the Quaker oat man. Are you familiar. 00:55:42 Speaker 4: I've I love the idea of this. I've never had the cereal. You're not you're You're not talking oatmeal. 00:55:48 Speaker 2: You're talking This is ri cereal dried oatmeal like a little oatmeal pillow. 00:55:54 Speaker 4: Are they like a Quaker oats chewy bar? But because I like that they have a hint of brown sugar, I believe. I don't know if I I have to then you still because I've never had this or not, you have to decide going deep, you know what I I Here's what I think. I am a tough customer when it comes to Cereal. 00:56:16 Speaker 2: Sure, what are you eating? I'm eating Moosely. Okay, I've never had Moosely. 00:56:21 Speaker 4: I love Moosely. I feel like, here's why I probably don't like Mooseley. But it's something my mom ate growing up, and so when I could buy my own groceries, I bought Moosey, and then you know, I was a lady. I think I only eat it because it makes me feel grown up. Sure and vaguely European. 00:56:39 Speaker 2: Oh of course. Yeah, that's the one cereal that's going to make you feel like you're on the content. 00:56:43 Speaker 4: That's right, And I've gotten there. I don't think this needs to be said, but I've gone there via Kiwi two beautiful. But the Quaker oatmeal square cereal, I don't. I honestly, I think if it were that, I believe there's no better snack than that. This really is going to sound branded. Okay, and by the way, as you neither believe that. But if you were to give me the option between like a fancy Whole Foods granola bar or just the Quaker the chewy bar chocolate chips, I'm going chocolate chips. 00:57:19 Speaker 2: Every time. 00:57:19 Speaker 5: It's a space age snack, it's gooey. It's like something it's so sweet. Yes, but it's healthy. It makes me happy to picture yourself stranded on the moon like, oh dessert, Yes, glass. 00:57:31 Speaker 4: Ground controlled the major tom I'm eating a snack. 00:57:34 Speaker 2: Got a sweet too? Yes? Do we have to pay for that? In the state of David Bowie sues this, Okay, Well, so I don't. I think I'm no. I think I'm no. You're saying it's a curse. I'm saying I don't. I don't want. I don't want that cereal. I want. I've asked you, allow you to. I have to get a gift or a curse. You're too for two right now, right now, you have a third thing. I know you don't want to kill your streak, but I need an answer from you. It's a gift, Bridger, It's a gift because here's why. I bet it's sweet. That's You're absolutely right, that's a gift. I'm not a I don't eat cold cereal anymore. I mean the last time I really ate cold cereal was probably high school. I want to say, but anytime I come across a qua Quaker oatmeal square, I think, why are we all eating this? Right? It's an incredible not too sweet, a hint of sweetness, the perfect crunch. I like, I mean, obviously, right now, I should. I should just always have Quaker oatmeal. People would love to hear the sound of a mouth crunching oatmeal. Okay, well, good job. I don't know. I feel like you did a decent job there, and you really a shot shot in the dark. 00:58:59 Speaker 4: I would say that I waffled so much with the first question that I can't be I will that was, but sometimes you have to, right, So I kicked. 00:59:11 Speaker 2: Into my own goal, so to speak. Yeah, okay, so we're we have one final thing to do here. This part of the podcast is called I Said No Questions. This is for listeners who need some help. People every day are in need of help trying to figure out gifts for loved ones, friends, enemies, coworkers, colleagues. Did I already say colleagues, now, acquaintances, whatever. There's always a new opportunity to give somebody a gift. So people are writing in and they're getting advice from me and my guests. We're going to try to give a couple of people some advice. I'm going to read a question from somebody and then we'll try to figure it out. God, I love the people. We both love the people. And the kind of help I know, I know, I know. We wake up and we go out. Can I help? 01:00:02 Speaker 5: Yeah? 01:00:03 Speaker 2: What can I do in the world that will just bring a little light? I love that we do that. Okay, so first up, this first question, says Bridger. And then of course they didn't. They don't mention you. I'm sorry, Well, I like to I don't like the credit. Of course, I need to find a decent gift for my wife Jessica. She wants ear rings, but I buy her jewelry every year. She's a super mom and does a great job of raising our two kids, both under three, and I want her to know how much I appreciate her. How can I show her? How can I get her a gift? Greg in Berlin, Oh, German? Somebody living in Germany. Interesting, Okay, has two small children. I as not a parent, you as a parent and a mother. I feel like you're probably going to have some decent level of insight into this you need under Germany, I have, I have not, and I will not. Okay, of course, I you know, don't go We'll leave that off we'll come back. It's great. 01:01:06 Speaker 4: Unless I meet anyone over eighty five and I'll just automatically kill them. But uh, no, big deal whatever, bygones. Anyway, the I'm Jewish? Uh if you couldn't tell, I don't know what that means. Okay, I honestly, first of all, I don't want to give a comedy answer to this. Jessica has two kids under three. 01:01:30 Speaker 2: Respect to Jessica, I'm barely able to dress myself every day. 01:01:34 Speaker 4: Yes, I I will say, I dress my child much better than I dressed. 01:01:39 Speaker 2: The outfits of Ben. It's hit after him. 01:01:41 Speaker 4: Yeah, I know. I'm trying to get him, you know, some kind of. 01:01:48 Speaker 3: Husband for you you don't want to be. No, no, no, no no. He's got to look what mommy's are. And so for Jessica two kids under three, Greg, Greg. 01:02:03 Speaker 4: Greg, what she wants and I will speak for her, is a let's let's let's let's give it a week of making dinner every night. 01:02:15 Speaker 2: Oh this sounds incredible. Of doing the goddamn dishes, sure of doing the laundry. Okay, if you do those three things for a week, if you make Jessica dinner every night, it's for her birthday holidays. 01:02:30 Speaker 4: He doesn't say, okay, So let's go at her birthday week a term bridger and high love for both huge birthday week. 01:02:37 Speaker 2: Birthday week, birthday month, more birthday week freaks for birthday. Every person I come in contact it with into my birthday world, just expect that attention. That's right, and so for her birthday week, do that. 01:02:51 Speaker 4: I would say the best gift that you can give a mother to young children is the gift of. 01:02:56 Speaker 2: Ease, and so doing as much time off, make her a decade in dinners every night, or if it's just for a one time thing, if it's like a holiday the night, then then that's what you pick. 01:03:10 Speaker 4: A great elaborate, let's call it an Odelangi style meal, and you have to go to a specialty market to get that sumac. 01:03:17 Speaker 2: Yes, there's going to be well made hummus. It's going to be a gorgeous chickpie hummus. Make her a decadent meal, and I guarantee like that that she will cry, and let's be honest, she will. She will get pregnant again that night. She'll have to do this all over anymore. 01:03:37 Speaker 4: Right, she's breastfeeding. Congratulations. The license. 01:03:43 Speaker 2: That's how you say cong Okay, I think that's a decent Make her a meal, and then, also, I don't know a thing. Let's get her a new like a new pair of shoes, shoes, and get her the Zoom you for her a Galaxy time, get her a sidewinder, get her game gear. That's honestly what. 01:04:13 Speaker 5: I would want. Why don't I have. 01:04:17 Speaker 4: A game boy or game gear from all of these late night breastfeeding. 01:04:21 Speaker 2: Yes, just a little something that while the baby is there, Jessica, turn it on. I will say this to hell with Jessica and her and her rug rats. Send it best on. Nintendo Switch. Get me a switch, Charlie, get no, I don't. I don't know how to use a switch. I would learn immediate. 01:04:36 Speaker 4: Okay, thank you for having that faith. I guarantee I wouldn't. I guarantee it would be Charlie's worst nightmare. I I think I turned mamolume off. 01:04:46 Speaker 2: Okay, So basically, for Jessica, it's either a week off or a Nintendo Nintendo either or maybe both, maybe both. While she's doing all the housework, oh, she's gaming. Meanwhile, she's become a hardcore games Jessica's capsule women. She has been tearing down women online. She's just going after her journalists. Yeah, she's become a racist. She's a racist. She's been radicalized. 01:05:18 Speaker 4: She's been radicalized through the gaming reddit vertical and she needs to be canceled. 01:05:24 Speaker 2: And she's been enjoying these lovely going on Chicken milanaise. Okay, all right, Greg, good luck, good luck. Okay, So this next one, I mean, the question is pretty long, so I'm just gonna sum it up. This guy has written in it's his dad's sixty fifth birthday coming up in August. Apparently his dad is a terrible gift receiver. Within seconds of opening any gift, he immediately says there's something wrong with it. He says that he's looking for a mid priced gift that his dad won't immediately recognize has problems. Maybe later he'll find a problem with it, but by then this guy will be gone. This his best Joe in Malibu. We've been talking about Malibus. Joe and his age inappropriate. Somebody at this in this family is not half their age. That's right. Joe's got an earring. Yes here you know. I was on Joe's side, but now Malibu. I'm back and forth. Let's assume Joe's in kind of a serf shat, Okay, I'll appreciate that. Maybe yeah, Okay, he's a palatial I don't know the Rolls Royce or a mid price gift soot person. 01:06:35 Speaker 4: Okay, good, he's just a cool stoner who survived the fire. 01:06:38 Speaker 2: Maybe Daddy though, Okay, here's the thing, Uh, that is not a father that you are ever going to please, Joe, Joe, Daddy is the problem. Your gifts aren't the proper the gifts you've been trying every year after Let's assume forty years. 01:06:55 Speaker 4: Forty years and your nineteen year old girlfriend and you have to go over to your father's house watch him be disappointed year after year. 01:07:02 Speaker 2: Why is he criticized? I don't know that person needs to learn to just accept a gift. No, but here's what I say. This person, this father, needs to learn what it's like to have no gift. Here's the gift that Joe gives. He doesn't show up on the birthday. He doesn't show up on the goddamn birthday. Daddy's gift is silence and lowliness. Slowly so I can learn in the solitude. That's how to accept a gift, especially baby's gift. Baby's gift. Your son has been working, working, working, and he just wants you to smile and say thanks son, your son. I use this polishing Harrison Ford's airplane. 01:07:36 Speaker 4: Yes, make him tips and he this daddy doesn't get babies in praced this year. 01:07:44 Speaker 2: No. Can you imagine a father criticizing a gift. I wouldn't hear of it. Well, look, I mean, Joe, I'm going to speak personally here as somebody who I gave my dad gifts four years. Every single gift was returned. No, I'm not kidding. Wait, I think I knew this, but I'm listening to this. That's fine, we love him, but this is something that eventually I've stopped giving him gifts, right because they would get returned. That's what you have to do. You're not a point. Get your father an errand yes, so you know, and now we're at peace with each other. Good. He doesn't need the gift. Maybe I'll get him a gift certificate to a restaurant, but you know, it's again for mommy, and it's also something that's just going to get returned. So you just figure that out and then because he bars it up. Turn. Yeah, there's a lot your dad's bark that sounds like Dad doesn't get us sixty fifth, maybe seventieth birthday, he'll be ready to accept a gift. I doubt it because they'll be estranged by then. 01:08:48 Speaker 4: Because it sounds like this Dad will brow a fit if Joe doesn't show up on our advice. 01:08:53 Speaker 2: So we're kind of putting a wedge between father and son here, and that's fine. That's what this podcast is for us to just get families to fall apart, apart, and then you find yourself once you've kind of removed yourself from the family. Once you get to poon, you join the cult. Yeah, of course, where everyone who isn't part of the cult or join scientology and declare them suppressive. Yes, any of these groups allows you a new family that's not going to expect any level of gift. All they want you is to a lot of money as well. Yeah the money. Of course, you're just going to be financially yes, and we'll pick up some probably bad habits and be mistreated, but in a different ways. Actually, of course, there's something to be said about get a cult. You know, you know, you know what it's. You know what it is. You know at least you know what it is. You know there's a Rolls Royce involved Rolls Royce. Someone's going to be fleeing the country in a plane at some point. And they say, all right, everyone on the plane you live and wherever now? Yes? 01:09:57 Speaker 4: And you say, you know what, I know where my next meals coming from. 01:10:02 Speaker 2: It's going to be a full of gruel or Quaker Omealed Squares's. We've got some help, please, Quaker. I'm reaching out to you. I'm begging you for that. I mean sponsor personally. I think it's I think that about dozes there anything you'd like to I'd like to give you some opportunity to promote. You've got the book. I want people to know. Nobody will tell you this but me is the title of this book. It's beautiful. It's heart wrenching. It's also extremely funny. Go look at that. You can read best in the New Yorker. You can read her on Twitter. She's all over the place, She's everywhere and nowhere. I'm just breastfeeding my baby Sparkle. You can find her at her address. It's times. Do please show up we do not have a ring. Thank you, Richard, this is it's just nice to chat, of course, and thank you for the terror I'm going to learn. I'm please go home and read up on this. And if I vanish under mysterious circumstances, don't come looking for me. I never will. All right, Well, I hope everyone's having a wonderful time and we'll say goodbye now. I said no gifts isn't exactly right production. It's engineered by Earth Angel Stephen Ray Morris. The theme song is by Miracle Worker Amy Mann. You can follow the show on Instagram and Twitter. At I said no gifts, And if you have a question or need help getting a gift for someone in your life, email me at I said no gifts at gmail dot com. Listen and subscribe on Apple podcast, Stitcher or wherever you found me, and why not leave a review while you're at it? 01:11:40 Speaker 1: Hello? 01:11:40 Speaker 2: And why did you hear. 01:11:44 Speaker 1: Gon? 01:11:44 Speaker 2: A man? 01:11:45 Speaker 1: Myself perfectly clear? 01:11:48 Speaker 2: But you're a. 01:11:49 Speaker 1: Guess to me. You gotta come to me empty And I said, no guests, yours presence enough. I already had too much stuff, So how did you dare to surbey me