WEBVTT - #1 Reason Why Couples Fall Out of Love & How to Mentally Prepare for Difficult Conversations 0:00:00.240 --> 0:00:03.200 Welcome back to on Purpose. Today, I want to share 0:00:03.320 --> 0:00:07.000 an amazing conversation I had with Caitlin Bristow on her 0:00:07.120 --> 0:00:10.799 podcast Off the Vine about what does it mean to love? 0:00:11.280 --> 0:00:13.560 We go into this topic deeply, as well as how 0:00:13.560 --> 0:00:16.760 to attract the right person, how to put a stop 0:00:16.800 --> 0:00:22.160 to unhealthy relationship patterns and toxic traits and triggers in 0:00:22.200 --> 0:00:25.479 our relationships, and define what it actually means to be 0:00:25.520 --> 0:00:28.560 in love for ourselves. I love this conversation. I feel 0:00:28.560 --> 0:00:31.080 like we went super deep and I can't wait to 0:00:31.120 --> 0:00:40.320 share this with you. Hey everyone, I'm so excited because 0:00:40.360 --> 0:00:43.320 we're going to be adding a really special offering onto 0:00:43.320 --> 0:00:46.640 the back of my solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily 0:00:46.720 --> 0:00:49.200 Jay is a daily series on Calm and It's meant 0:00:49.200 --> 0:00:52.959 to inspire you while outlining tools and techniques to live 0:00:52.960 --> 0:00:56.240 a more mindful, stress free life. We dive into a 0:00:56.320 --> 0:00:59.280 range of topics and the best part is each episode 0:00:59.400 --> 0:01:02.440 is only seven minutes long, so you can incorporate it 0:01:02.480 --> 0:01:05.360 into your schedule no matter how busy you are. As 0:01:05.520 --> 0:01:09.440 a dedicated part of the on Purpose community, I wanted 0:01:09.480 --> 0:01:12.160 to do something special for you this year, so I'll 0:01:12.200 --> 0:01:15.360 be playing a hand picked Daily Jay during each of 0:01:15.400 --> 0:01:19.199 my Friday podcasts. This week, we're talking about your relationships 0:01:19.400 --> 0:01:22.560 and how to create the most meaningful connections with the 0:01:22.600 --> 0:01:24.800 people that matter to you. Of course, if you want 0:01:24.800 --> 0:01:27.560 to listen to The Daily Jay every day, you can 0:01:27.600 --> 0:01:30.760 go subscribe to Calm. So go to Calm dot com 0:01:30.800 --> 0:01:34.319 forward slash j for forty percent off your membership. Today, 0:01:34.480 --> 0:01:35.000 I'm excited. 0:01:35.040 --> 0:01:36.560 We have a couple of meet all friends. 0:01:36.720 --> 0:01:40.000 Do you know Penny Tho, Yes, of course, yeah, yeah, 0:01:40.000 --> 0:01:42.200 of course I do. Yeah, so Penny. 0:01:42.360 --> 0:01:46.280 I used to live with Penny in Vancouver no way, Yes, 0:01:46.480 --> 0:01:49.680 like seventeen years ago and her sister. I was in 0:01:49.720 --> 0:01:51.680 her sister's wedding party. I was just with Penny in 0:01:51.720 --> 0:01:52.120 New York. 0:01:52.240 --> 0:01:54.480 That's amazing, Yeah, because she was. 0:01:54.400 --> 0:01:56.120 Saying that you were just at one of the. 0:01:56.120 --> 0:01:58.600 Races yeah Austin, Yeah, Austin. 0:01:58.680 --> 0:02:01.640 Yeah, absolutely, those so fun, those races. 0:02:01.760 --> 0:02:05.200 But she's so phenomenally talented as well. She's she's unbelievable. 0:02:05.600 --> 0:02:08.760 She That's where I've literally gotten all my life advice 0:02:08.919 --> 0:02:11.760 and business from her and amazing. 0:02:12.160 --> 0:02:12.359 Yeah. 0:02:12.600 --> 0:02:15.440 Now you and I have your book right here, I'm 0:02:16.160 --> 0:02:18.960 talking to you about it. That's eight Rules of Love 0:02:19.040 --> 0:02:22.360 I'm so excited because I'd love like a book that 0:02:22.400 --> 0:02:25.480 you can also take action with, which is so incredible, 0:02:25.880 --> 0:02:29.080 And after reading this book, I'm curious your thoughts on 0:02:29.160 --> 0:02:30.000 Valentine's Day. 0:02:31.200 --> 0:02:33.120 That's that's a great question to start, and no one's 0:02:33.120 --> 0:02:36.560 asked me that yet. I think that a lot of 0:02:36.600 --> 0:02:42.600 these days across the calendar are invented as great ways 0:02:42.680 --> 0:02:48.000 to present love and perform love. But to me, I 0:02:48.040 --> 0:02:51.400 think sometimes they create a belief that we have to 0:02:51.440 --> 0:02:54.320 wait for that day to show love, or we show 0:02:54.400 --> 0:02:56.960 love emphatically on that day, but then we forget the 0:02:57.000 --> 0:02:59.120 rest of the days. And so I see them as 0:02:59.120 --> 0:03:01.919 a wonderful room. I see them as a great way 0:03:02.000 --> 0:03:06.720 of recognizing and celebrating something so special. But at the 0:03:06.760 --> 0:03:09.320 same time, I think it puts so much pressure on people. 0:03:09.720 --> 0:03:11.720 I think it makes people do things they would never 0:03:11.760 --> 0:03:14.760 do for someone. I think people feel pressured to be 0:03:14.919 --> 0:03:17.480 someone they're not or do something that doesn't feel right 0:03:17.680 --> 0:03:21.080 or likely for them to do. And so I think 0:03:21.120 --> 0:03:22.799 we all have to make of it what we want 0:03:22.800 --> 0:03:24.800 to make of it ourselves and not feel like we 0:03:24.840 --> 0:03:28.480 have to buy into the society's definition of what Valentine's 0:03:28.520 --> 0:03:30.840 Day should be. Or what the movies say you should 0:03:30.840 --> 0:03:33.360 do on Valentine's Day, And so I think sometimes it 0:03:33.440 --> 0:03:38.360 plays into that Hollywood romance of what love is meant 0:03:38.360 --> 0:03:40.839 to be, and it takes us away from what love 0:03:40.880 --> 0:03:41.520 actually is. 0:03:41.920 --> 0:03:44.920 It's so true. Our perception is so skewed sometimes of 0:03:44.960 --> 0:03:48.280 what love and what we think love is. And I mean, 0:03:48.320 --> 0:03:52.160 whether that's social media or the movies, it's happened for 0:03:52.440 --> 0:03:54.600 so long. I can think of all the Disney movies 0:03:54.680 --> 0:03:56.560 or all the wrong coms I saw growing up, and 0:03:56.600 --> 0:03:59.320 then you have this perception of what love is supposed 0:03:59.320 --> 0:04:01.200 to be. But then you your parents love, and then 0:04:01.240 --> 0:04:03.440 that's a different kind of love. And then you see 0:04:04.040 --> 0:04:05.680 the love that you have and you're like, why does 0:04:05.720 --> 0:04:07.640 this not feel like the magic that they show in 0:04:07.680 --> 0:04:10.560 the movies. So you said that nobody really sits down 0:04:10.600 --> 0:04:13.720 and teaches us how to love. The question that I 0:04:13.800 --> 0:04:15.920 had is, I'm like, how would someone even do that? 0:04:15.960 --> 0:04:18.440 Because we all feel loved so differently. Do you think 0:04:18.480 --> 0:04:20.719 this is something we should be teaching as parents. 0:04:21.760 --> 0:04:24.400 No, that's a great question. I don't think that we 0:04:24.480 --> 0:04:27.640 can teach it like how we learned in school. But 0:04:27.800 --> 0:04:30.560 I think there needs to be an element of what 0:04:30.720 --> 0:04:32.920 to look out for, what to understand. I think it's 0:04:32.960 --> 0:04:36.279 a beautiful thing for anyone to try and teach and learn. 0:04:36.800 --> 0:04:38.680 I think a lot of the time we teach people 0:04:38.839 --> 0:04:41.640 what to think about love and not how to think 0:04:41.680 --> 0:04:45.920 about love. And so you wouldn't say love is xyz 0:04:46.120 --> 0:04:48.080 and that's what it looks like and that's what you 0:04:48.080 --> 0:04:50.960 should be looking for. I think that's unhealthy because it 0:04:51.000 --> 0:04:53.560 can mean different things to different people, as you rightly said. 0:04:54.000 --> 0:04:56.839 But I think we should encourage people to say, well, 0:04:57.160 --> 0:05:00.080 this is how love could make you feel, or this 0:05:00.000 --> 0:05:02.560 this is what love could look like, and this is 0:05:02.600 --> 0:05:05.040 what healthy love looks like, and this is what toxic 0:05:05.120 --> 0:05:08.960 relationships look like. I think having some wisdom and insight 0:05:09.520 --> 0:05:13.120 around healthy and unhealthy relationships probably is going to set 0:05:13.160 --> 0:05:16.800 you up better than a random conversation about love with 0:05:17.360 --> 0:05:19.320 so many different people in your family, as you were 0:05:19.400 --> 0:05:22.479 rightly saying, right you look at your parents' relationship, you 0:05:22.520 --> 0:05:25.400 see the relationship your friends have, you watch the movies 0:05:25.440 --> 0:05:27.640 and TV shows, and then you kind of make your 0:05:27.680 --> 0:05:30.720 own version up. But none of that is based on 0:05:31.320 --> 0:05:35.240 cues that are healthy or insightful or thoughtful. And so 0:05:35.800 --> 0:05:38.080 as much as I don't think we need like a 0:05:38.200 --> 0:05:41.960 course on love. I do think we need a course 0:05:41.960 --> 0:05:45.600 on emotions and how to understand your own emotions, how 0:05:45.600 --> 0:05:49.000 to understand other people's emotions. And so I find that 0:05:49.520 --> 0:05:52.320 love may be too big for that. But emotions and 0:05:52.400 --> 0:05:57.640 emotional regulation and emotional awareness, these are skills and tools 0:05:57.760 --> 0:06:00.440 that would actually help you have better relationships. And that's 0:06:00.440 --> 0:06:02.719 why in the book, even though it's the Eight Rules 0:06:02.720 --> 0:06:06.240 of Love, the eight rules are about communication. They're about 0:06:06.760 --> 0:06:10.080 debate and fighting, they're about connecting. They're about the things 0:06:10.120 --> 0:06:11.120 you can control. 0:06:12.040 --> 0:06:13.880 Yeah, that's true. I guess that's a good point of 0:06:14.040 --> 0:06:16.560 talking about the things you can control. Where do you 0:06:16.600 --> 0:06:19.080 think the culture around love, with the fairy tale endings 0:06:19.080 --> 0:06:21.520 and the perfect match come from. Do you think that 0:06:21.680 --> 0:06:24.280 does stem from like movies in Hollywood. 0:06:24.960 --> 0:06:26.839 I think it comes from a few places. I think 0:06:26.880 --> 0:06:31.080 there's a deep part of us that wants to believe 0:06:31.920 --> 0:06:35.600 and wants to yearn for this perfect love. And I 0:06:35.640 --> 0:06:39.600 think that that's true and fair and good. I think 0:06:39.640 --> 0:06:42.800 the challenge is that the image that's been created of 0:06:42.839 --> 0:06:46.600 perfect love is what's unhealthy. So it's not the idea 0:06:46.680 --> 0:06:50.039 of perfect love that's unhealthy. It's the idea of a 0:06:50.080 --> 0:06:53.359 perfect love in this way that sends us on the 0:06:53.360 --> 0:06:56.960 wrong path. I think that when you look at movies, 0:06:57.839 --> 0:07:00.000 we all know that they show you everything up until 0:07:00.160 --> 0:07:02.800 people move in together, or if they show you people 0:07:02.839 --> 0:07:05.320 moving in together, they fight and then make up over 0:07:05.360 --> 0:07:08.680 something fairly superficial. Or you look at couples who do 0:07:08.720 --> 0:07:10.960 the same things on the date night in the movies, 0:07:11.080 --> 0:07:14.000 or the anniversary parties and the events. And so I 0:07:14.040 --> 0:07:17.520 do feel that media has played a massive role even today. 0:07:17.800 --> 0:07:20.200 And I give this story in the book of my 0:07:20.280 --> 0:07:24.280 own proposal, and when I proposed to my wife, I 0:07:24.400 --> 0:07:26.280 did it. I mean, I'll cut the long story short. 0:07:26.280 --> 0:07:28.000 Everyone can read the book for the full version. But 0:07:28.720 --> 0:07:31.800 in the book I talk about how I did the 0:07:31.840 --> 0:07:35.880 full a cappella song, singing Bruno Mars, will you marry Me? 0:07:35.960 --> 0:07:38.440 I did, obviously, I got down on one knee. I 0:07:38.480 --> 0:07:41.960 had a horse drawne carriage through London. And it's like 0:07:42.080 --> 0:07:45.200 I got all those ideas from social media. I did 0:07:45.200 --> 0:07:47.320 not get them from my wife. I did not get 0:07:47.360 --> 0:07:50.080 them from my heart. I did not get them from 0:07:50.440 --> 0:07:52.720 what I thought was love. I got them from social 0:07:52.760 --> 0:07:55.040 media and TV. And so I think a lot of 0:07:55.080 --> 0:07:58.480 the ideas we have do come from media, and I 0:07:58.520 --> 0:08:01.400 think there has to be a filtering process to say, 0:08:01.400 --> 0:08:04.240 wait a minute, is this what my partner wants? Is 0:08:04.280 --> 0:08:06.480 this what I want? Is this what love looks like 0:08:06.800 --> 0:08:09.480 to the person I love? Or is it just something 0:08:09.520 --> 0:08:12.760 that I've adopted because I watched the show or a movie. 0:08:13.360 --> 0:08:16.000 That's why your book is going to be so incredible 0:08:16.040 --> 0:08:18.120 for so many people. And I love that it's written 0:08:18.120 --> 0:08:20.680 for all stages of love. So whether you're looking for 0:08:20.720 --> 0:08:23.440 the right person or you found the right person and 0:08:23.480 --> 0:08:26.520 you want to keep them. But love is really confusing, 0:08:26.600 --> 0:08:28.800 and I'm sure it is because of you know, all 0:08:28.840 --> 0:08:31.440 the things we see or we compare, we don't know. 0:08:32.000 --> 0:08:34.160 But how do you know when it is the right person? 0:08:34.200 --> 0:08:37.280 Do you really believe that there is that feeling where 0:08:37.320 --> 0:08:39.640 you're like when you know you know, or like, how 0:08:39.640 --> 0:08:41.199 do you do it's the right person? Because we all 0:08:41.240 --> 0:08:43.680 seem to want to, you know, if there's a fight 0:08:43.760 --> 0:08:45.400 or an argument, or they don't treat you right, and 0:08:45.440 --> 0:08:47.160 you're like, I could easily give up, So how do 0:08:47.160 --> 0:08:48.280 you know it's the right person? 0:08:49.000 --> 0:08:52.600 Yeah? I feel that the idea that you know when 0:08:52.679 --> 0:08:56.679 you know, that's beautiful. If you've experienced that, and I 0:08:56.720 --> 0:08:59.520 love that for you, But that can't be our best 0:08:59.559 --> 0:09:02.560 advice on love because what that says to someone is 0:09:02.559 --> 0:09:05.640 you might have to meet eight billion people to decide 0:09:05.679 --> 0:09:08.120 whether you've met the one, Because what if you don't 0:09:08.160 --> 0:09:12.080 know after twenty thirty two hundred, three hundred people that 0:09:12.120 --> 0:09:15.000 you've dated or met. And so the way I like 0:09:15.080 --> 0:09:16.920 to look at it is I break it down into 0:09:16.960 --> 0:09:20.440 three simple things. You know you're in love when these 0:09:20.480 --> 0:09:24.080 three things happen. You like their personality and they like yours. 0:09:24.760 --> 0:09:29.400 You respect their values and they respect yours. And you're 0:09:29.480 --> 0:09:33.120 committed to helping them towards their goals, and they're committed 0:09:33.160 --> 0:09:36.520 to you helping you towards your goals. And I find 0:09:36.520 --> 0:09:38.480 that that really simplifies it. I had someone the other 0:09:38.520 --> 0:09:40.440 day who told me that they were about to get married, 0:09:40.840 --> 0:09:43.280 and they said, Jay, what's your best advice? And I 0:09:43.360 --> 0:09:45.960 asked them these questions. I said, do you know what 0:09:46.000 --> 0:09:48.640 their values are? Tell me your partner's top three values 0:09:48.720 --> 0:09:52.520 right now? And they said some really broad things like 0:09:52.800 --> 0:09:56.719 kind and family, And I was like, okay, but what 0:09:57.280 --> 0:10:00.200 do they really value inside of their family? And they 0:10:00.200 --> 0:10:02.920 were struggling, and then I said, what are your partner's 0:10:03.200 --> 0:10:05.440 top three goals over the next top three in the 0:10:05.480 --> 0:10:08.320 next three years, And they didn't know. And I started 0:10:08.360 --> 0:10:11.480 to realize that it's not about whether you know they're 0:10:11.520 --> 0:10:14.200 the one. It's actually more about how much you know 0:10:14.720 --> 0:10:17.679 about them. And I think that's what we need to 0:10:17.760 --> 0:10:20.600 understand more, like, do you know how they respond to stress? 0:10:20.880 --> 0:10:23.680 Do you know how they respond to fatigue? Do you 0:10:23.840 --> 0:10:27.280 know when they're happy? Do you understand how they deal 0:10:27.360 --> 0:10:30.960 with sadness and disappointment? If you know all those things 0:10:30.960 --> 0:10:36.079 and you can still appreciate respect and love someone that's 0:10:36.160 --> 0:10:39.120 love love. Isn't this idea of I just feel great 0:10:39.160 --> 0:10:41.920 around them, but I actually don't know much about them. 0:10:41.960 --> 0:10:44.920 Because that can feel good for six months to twelve months, 0:10:45.400 --> 0:10:47.720 but when you start looking at a long term relationship, 0:10:47.800 --> 0:10:48.880 that's what lets you down. 0:10:49.520 --> 0:10:51.880 Yeah, because a lot of people, and I'll get to this, 0:10:52.080 --> 0:10:55.280 a lot of people feel like they just don't want 0:10:55.320 --> 0:10:58.800 to be alone. Feeling lonely is worse than you know, 0:10:58.840 --> 0:11:01.400 being in a relationship. And you can get through it 0:11:01.440 --> 0:11:03.800 after you know, six months, Oh it's fine, it's fine, 0:11:03.800 --> 0:11:05.440 And then a year happens and you're like, oh wait, 0:11:05.520 --> 0:11:07.640 I can't deal with this, but at the time you're like, 0:11:08.480 --> 0:11:11.480 that's better than being lonely. You point out that will 0:11:11.520 --> 0:11:14.440 I Ever Find Love is the most popular search engine 0:11:14.520 --> 0:11:17.160 question that people ask. Why do you think that is? 0:11:17.360 --> 0:11:22.520 Why are we so worried about being alone and finding somebody? 0:11:23.280 --> 0:11:27.360 Yeah? Yeah, So if you google will I ever, Google 0:11:27.480 --> 0:11:30.920 says the rest of the sentences find love, And if 0:11:30.960 --> 0:11:33.000 you say will I ever, it will say get married. 0:11:33.160 --> 0:11:35.559 So that's in the top three or top five as well. 0:11:36.000 --> 0:11:38.400 And then the next one is will I am net worth? 0:11:39.160 --> 0:11:42.080 Because people seem to be really fascinated by will I 0:11:42.160 --> 0:11:45.840 AM's net worth? And his networth is seventy million according 0:11:45.840 --> 0:11:48.600 to Google for anyone who's anyone who's googling it right now. 0:11:48.640 --> 0:11:51.559 But going back to the topic and everyone can check 0:11:51.600 --> 0:11:54.760 there will I ever? Afterwards. I think it's something that 0:11:54.880 --> 0:11:57.360 scares us about the future. I think we're scared of 0:11:57.400 --> 0:12:01.240 being alone now, but we're more scared of being alone 0:12:01.280 --> 0:12:04.320 in the future. That's why the question is will I 0:12:04.559 --> 0:12:08.000 ever Find love? Because I think we're scared about the 0:12:08.040 --> 0:12:12.000 idea of growing old alone, of going through life alone, 0:12:12.000 --> 0:12:14.360 of seeing everyone in our life with someone else, but 0:12:14.640 --> 0:12:18.520 us not having that other person, and those are all 0:12:18.679 --> 0:12:23.040 very valid emotions and very valid fears. But I think 0:12:23.080 --> 0:12:26.160 at the same time we have to realize that when 0:12:26.160 --> 0:12:30.679 you're feeling alone, when you're fearing being by yourself, you 0:12:30.720 --> 0:12:34.160 don't make good decisions. Research shows that if you get 0:12:34.200 --> 0:12:37.680 into a relationship because you feel alone, you're more likely 0:12:37.760 --> 0:12:41.480 to settle for less than you deserve, You're more likely 0:12:41.520 --> 0:12:46.160 to be dependent on that person, and you're less likely 0:12:46.280 --> 0:12:48.360 going to be able to break up even if it's 0:12:48.360 --> 0:12:50.760 not working out. And so when you get into a 0:12:50.800 --> 0:12:54.200 relationship because you're scared of being alone, you actually choose 0:12:54.200 --> 0:12:57.760 someone who's not even what you want from a relationship. 0:12:57.760 --> 0:13:01.600 But you feel safer in a false way, and you 0:13:01.640 --> 0:13:04.800 feel secure in a false way, and you know that 0:13:04.920 --> 0:13:07.840 deep down, which scares you even more, and so your 0:13:07.880 --> 0:13:11.080 fear actually becomes worse. But again, you know, Kate. Then 0:13:11.120 --> 0:13:13.320 it comes from the idea that when we were young, 0:13:14.240 --> 0:13:17.959 if you had lunch on your own, you were considered 0:13:18.400 --> 0:13:24.360 the weirdo. If you went to exactly exactly exactly from 0:13:24.400 --> 0:13:25.120 Super Bad. 0:13:25.000 --> 0:13:27.120 Right, Yeah, I love that you brought. 0:13:27.080 --> 0:13:31.640 Us exactly exactly. And if you had a birthday party 0:13:31.720 --> 0:13:34.160 and no one showed up, or a few people showed up, 0:13:34.200 --> 0:13:36.400 you were the loner. Hey. By the way, when you're 0:13:36.400 --> 0:13:38.720 thirty years old and over, if you get five of 0:13:38.760 --> 0:13:41.360 your best friends to show up, you're really happy about that. 0:13:41.400 --> 0:13:43.840 You take pride in that. And then you know, when 0:13:43.840 --> 0:13:45.920 you went to a wedding as a plus and you 0:13:46.320 --> 0:13:49.000 didn't have a plus one, people would be like, oh, 0:13:49.000 --> 0:13:52.240 poor you, like sad for you. So we've kind of 0:13:52.360 --> 0:13:56.440 made it feel awkward to be alone, and so now 0:13:56.480 --> 0:13:59.800 we carry that. But we'd rather be with anyone than 0:13:59.880 --> 0:14:01.679 be alone. And that's the challenge. 0:14:02.600 --> 0:14:05.640 Yeah, how can being alone actually help you attract the 0:14:05.720 --> 0:14:06.280 right person? 0:14:07.600 --> 0:14:10.120 So I think we all start alone, and that's part 0:14:10.160 --> 0:14:13.240 of the puzzle that you know, we start alone, and 0:14:14.360 --> 0:14:17.160 being alone in and of itself will not help you 0:14:17.200 --> 0:14:19.760 attract the right person. Like just being single or just 0:14:19.840 --> 0:14:22.000 being alone doesn't do the work. But I think your 0:14:22.080 --> 0:14:24.720 question is what can you do when you're alone to 0:14:24.800 --> 0:14:27.720 attract the right person. I think the first thing is 0:14:28.560 --> 0:14:32.760 you need to do something hard and challenging by yourself. 0:14:33.480 --> 0:14:36.280 You could take on a new workout class, you could 0:14:36.280 --> 0:14:39.360 take on a new health habit, you could take on 0:14:39.480 --> 0:14:41.400 I mean, what you're going off to do. You're going 0:14:41.440 --> 0:14:44.880 off to do an incredible retreat over the next few days, 0:14:45.120 --> 0:14:48.120 you're taking on something challenging. When you take on something 0:14:48.240 --> 0:14:51.120 challenging when you're alone, or when you're single, or when 0:14:51.120 --> 0:14:55.680 you're by yourself, you gain the strength and courage to 0:14:55.920 --> 0:14:59.000 understand what you have inside of you. Now, when you 0:14:59.040 --> 0:15:01.640 get into a relationship, you realize you're bringing so much 0:15:01.680 --> 0:15:05.280 to the table. You realize that I'm a confident, complete, 0:15:05.400 --> 0:15:08.600 whole individual. You stop thinking like, oh, I hope I 0:15:08.640 --> 0:15:11.840 find my better half or I hope I find someone 0:15:11.880 --> 0:15:15.720 that completes me, and you start recognizing, well, actually, I 0:15:15.760 --> 0:15:18.480 have a lot to offer someone because I can do 0:15:18.520 --> 0:15:22.880 hard things by myself. I have done challenging things by myself, 0:15:23.080 --> 0:15:24.560 and so that would be the first thing I'd say 0:15:24.560 --> 0:15:27.280 when you're alone. The second thing I'd say is you 0:15:27.360 --> 0:15:31.200 actually at time to understand and learn about yourself. I 0:15:31.200 --> 0:15:34.040 think when you don't do that alone, you just sign 0:15:34.120 --> 0:15:36.960 up and subscribe to what everyone else likes. If your 0:15:36.960 --> 0:15:39.320 partner likes a certain type of food, now you like it. 0:15:39.600 --> 0:15:42.120 If they like a certain type of entertainment, you like it. 0:15:42.640 --> 0:15:45.120 And then ten twenty years down the line, you realize 0:15:45.120 --> 0:15:47.920 you've lost who you are because you just followed what 0:15:48.000 --> 0:15:50.040 they wanted to do. And I think a lot of 0:15:50.040 --> 0:15:52.880 people end up feeling like they lost themselves, but the 0:15:52.920 --> 0:15:55.440 truth is they never found themselves in the first place. 0:15:56.120 --> 0:15:59.960 So when you find yourself in solitude, you don't lose 0:16:00.120 --> 0:16:01.560 yourself in a relationship. 0:16:02.160 --> 0:16:05.240 That is such a good point. People are probably like, Caitlyn, 0:16:05.280 --> 0:16:08.040 shut up about your ex relationship that we've heard about 0:16:08.080 --> 0:16:10.440 thirty million times, But I always related back to certain 0:16:10.440 --> 0:16:13.160 things where I completely lost myself in this relationship. But 0:16:13.240 --> 0:16:15.840 when you say that, it's not even that you lost yourself, 0:16:15.840 --> 0:16:17.560 it's you didn't find yourself in the first place. That 0:16:17.680 --> 0:16:21.400 is so true. I completely found myself, you know, close 0:16:21.440 --> 0:16:23.040 to the age of thirty, and I was in all 0:16:23.040 --> 0:16:27.040 these relationships losing myself quote unquote to all these people 0:16:27.120 --> 0:16:29.680 when really I just hadn't found out who I really 0:16:29.720 --> 0:16:33.360 truly was. And I'm still figuring that out. But it's 0:16:33.640 --> 0:16:36.840 it's just it's such an fascinating topic, and I wanted 0:16:36.840 --> 0:16:40.320 to ask you the difference between loneliness and solitude for 0:16:40.360 --> 0:16:41.000 those listening. 0:16:41.640 --> 0:16:44.840 Yeah, So, I love this beautiful statement from Paul Tillich 0:16:45.200 --> 0:16:48.840 where he talks about the fact that the English language 0:16:48.840 --> 0:16:52.040 has two words for being alone, but we only use 0:16:52.120 --> 0:16:55.560 one of them. We only use loneliness. And loneliness is 0:16:55.600 --> 0:16:59.240 the weakness of being alone, but solitude is the strength 0:16:59.480 --> 0:17:02.200 or as he he says, the glory of being alone. 0:17:02.440 --> 0:17:04.520 And it's really interesting that in our language we always 0:17:04.520 --> 0:17:07.600 say I'm alone, I'm single. We don't say I'm in solitude, right, 0:17:07.600 --> 0:17:10.639 we don't actually use that word because we see it 0:17:10.680 --> 0:17:13.439 as a weakness. And if you see being alone as 0:17:13.480 --> 0:17:16.240 a weakness and you see a relationship as a strength, 0:17:16.560 --> 0:17:19.359 that means you're weak by yourself and you're only strong 0:17:19.440 --> 0:17:22.359 with this person. Now, if you're only strong with this person, 0:17:22.440 --> 0:17:26.360 when that person leaves or something goes wrong or there's 0:17:26.400 --> 0:17:29.399 a challenge, you go back to feeling weak again. And 0:17:29.440 --> 0:17:32.919 so your strength can't be found only in a relationship. 0:17:32.960 --> 0:17:36.440 Your strength is found by yourself, through yourself, and when 0:17:36.440 --> 0:17:39.719 you're strong, when you're powerful, when you're courageous, then when 0:17:39.760 --> 0:17:43.880 you get into a relationship you can build more strength together. Right. 0:17:43.920 --> 0:17:46.840 If you've got a broken home and you only find 0:17:46.840 --> 0:17:51.920 a complete home with someone else, you feel broken continuously. 0:17:52.280 --> 0:17:54.920 And that's when we have these ideas of like, oh 0:17:54.960 --> 0:17:57.840 they're out of my league, I'm not good enough for them, 0:17:58.080 --> 0:18:00.240 or maybe I've got to do something to impress them 0:18:00.400 --> 0:18:03.520 because you walked into the relationship feeling that they were 0:18:03.560 --> 0:18:06.360 better than you, because they made you whole. And so 0:18:06.880 --> 0:18:10.520 that never stops, like that continues even in the relationship 0:18:10.560 --> 0:18:12.679 of I have to earn their respect, or I have 0:18:12.760 --> 0:18:15.400 to impress them, or I have to keep them excited 0:18:15.440 --> 0:18:19.160 and interested. And if that's done from a place of love, 0:18:19.240 --> 0:18:21.320 that's beautiful. But if it's done from a place of 0:18:21.400 --> 0:18:25.639 fear and insecurity, and that's the thing. Sometimes love and 0:18:25.720 --> 0:18:28.000 fear can look like the same thing. You're trying to 0:18:28.000 --> 0:18:30.840 make someone happy, you're trying to make someone feel good, 0:18:31.200 --> 0:18:33.920 you're trying to help someone, But are you doing it 0:18:33.960 --> 0:18:36.800 from a place of fear and insecurity because they might leave, 0:18:37.320 --> 0:18:39.480 or are you doing it from a place of you 0:18:39.640 --> 0:18:42.119 deeply respect and admire this person? Yeah? 0:18:42.160 --> 0:18:44.960 Wow, God, I wish I could have you for like 0:18:45.000 --> 0:18:48.760 eight hours on this podcast. It's just so good. I mean, 0:18:48.760 --> 0:18:52.239 this is just such It's like it probably feels very 0:18:52.280 --> 0:18:53.879 simple to you, but it's so profound to me. 0:18:54.080 --> 0:18:57.040 And no it doesn't. You're You're inspiring, Kaitlyn. I have 0:18:57.119 --> 0:18:59.640 to tell you, like you've asked me some questions, then 0:18:59.680 --> 0:19:03.119 it must me your energy because I've said things to 0:19:03.200 --> 0:19:07.200 you today that have not said before. And yeah, and 0:19:07.960 --> 0:19:10.560 whenever I do that, and I'm very aware of that 0:19:10.640 --> 0:19:15.440 because A I try to be fully present and energetically 0:19:15.480 --> 0:19:18.880 present whenever I'm doing anything, and often I find when 0:19:18.880 --> 0:19:22.159 you're talking about a book or your you're meeting and 0:19:22.200 --> 0:19:24.639 doing lots of podcasts or interviews or whatever it may be, 0:19:25.200 --> 0:19:27.359 I try really hard to not repeat myself, but I 0:19:27.480 --> 0:19:31.200 find that when the host, especially today, I'm feeling that 0:19:31.280 --> 0:19:33.560 with you, I feel you're so present and these are 0:19:33.560 --> 0:19:37.639 such real questions that I feel I'm being inspired energetically 0:19:37.680 --> 0:19:39.479 to give answers that I've not given before. So i 0:19:39.480 --> 0:19:42.399 just want to say share that because I'm honestly everything 0:19:42.400 --> 0:19:44.280 that is coming out of my mouth, I'm like, I'm 0:19:44.280 --> 0:19:45.760 going to tell my team, I'm like, guys, we need 0:19:45.800 --> 0:19:47.919 to write that down because I haven't said that before. 0:19:48.040 --> 0:19:52.040 So I really appreciate. Yeah, you're you're inspiring that, and 0:19:52.040 --> 0:19:53.679 I want you to know that's that's your energy as 0:19:53.720 --> 0:19:54.080 a host. 0:19:54.160 --> 0:19:57.080 Wow, that is the most flattering thing anyone's ever said 0:19:57.119 --> 0:19:59.480 to me. But it's it's, you know, funny, as I've 0:20:00.080 --> 0:20:02.159 this is such a great job of mine to interview 0:20:02.200 --> 0:20:04.879 people that inspire me. And I went to my energy 0:20:04.880 --> 0:20:07.360 healer this morning and he even told me the same thing. 0:20:07.400 --> 0:20:09.760 He was like, I'm really impressed by your energy and 0:20:09.800 --> 0:20:12.240 I was like what. So then hearing you say it today, 0:20:12.240 --> 0:20:15.080 I'm like, Okay, I feel like I'm on the right path. 0:20:15.119 --> 0:20:17.680 I'm going to Hoffman tomorrow. Everything was lining up. This 0:20:17.760 --> 0:20:20.119