Speaker 1: Welcome back to on Purpose. Today, I want to share
Speaker 1: an amazing conversation I had with Caitlin Bristow on her
Speaker 1: podcast Off the Vine about what does it mean to love?
Speaker 1: We go into this topic deeply, as well as how
Speaker 1: to attract the right person, how to put a stop
Speaker 1: to unhealthy relationship patterns and toxic traits and triggers in
Speaker 1: our relationships, and define what it actually means to be
Speaker 1: in love for ourselves. I love this conversation. I feel
Speaker 1: like we went super deep and I can't wait to
Speaker 1: share this with you. Hey everyone, I'm so excited because
Speaker 1: we're going to be adding a really special offering onto
Speaker 1: the back of my solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily
Speaker 1: Jay is a daily series on Calm and It's meant
Speaker 1: to inspire you while outlining tools and techniques to live
Speaker 1: a more mindful, stress free life. We dive into a
Speaker 1: range of topics and the best part is each episode
Speaker 1: is only seven minutes long, so you can incorporate it
Speaker 1: into your schedule no matter how busy you are. As
Speaker 1: a dedicated part of the on Purpose community, I wanted
Speaker 1: to do something special for you this year, so I'll
Speaker 1: be playing a hand picked Daily Jay during each of
Speaker 1: my Friday podcasts. This week, we're talking about your relationships
Speaker 1: and how to create the most meaningful connections with the
Speaker 1: people that matter to you. Of course, if you want
Speaker 1: to listen to The Daily Jay every day, you can
Speaker 1: go subscribe to Calm. So go to Calm dot com
Speaker 1: forward slash j for forty percent off your membership. Today,
Speaker 1: I'm excited.
Speaker 2: We have a couple of meet all friends.
Speaker 1: Do you know Penny Tho, Yes, of course, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: of course I do. Yeah, so Penny.
Speaker 2: I used to live with Penny in Vancouver no way, Yes,
Speaker 2: like seventeen years ago and her sister. I was in
Speaker 2: her sister's wedding party. I was just with Penny in
Speaker 2: New York.
Speaker 1: That's amazing, Yeah, because she was.
Speaker 2: Saying that you were just at one of the.
Speaker 1: Races yeah Austin, Yeah, Austin.
Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely, those so fun, those races.
Speaker 1: But she's so phenomenally talented as well. She's she's unbelievable.
Speaker 2: She That's where I've literally gotten all my life advice
Speaker 2: and business from her and amazing.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Now you and I have your book right here, I'm
Speaker 2: talking to you about it. That's eight Rules of Love
Speaker 2: I'm so excited because I'd love like a book that
Speaker 2: you can also take action with, which is so incredible,
Speaker 2: And after reading this book, I'm curious your thoughts on
Speaker 2: Valentine's Day.
Speaker 1: That's that's a great question to start, and no one's
Speaker 1: asked me that yet. I think that a lot of
Speaker 1: these days across the calendar are invented as great ways
Speaker 1: to present love and perform love. But to me, I
Speaker 1: think sometimes they create a belief that we have to
Speaker 1: wait for that day to show love, or we show
Speaker 1: love emphatically on that day, but then we forget the
Speaker 1: rest of the days. And so I see them as
Speaker 1: a wonderful room. I see them as a great way
Speaker 1: of recognizing and celebrating something so special. But at the
Speaker 1: same time, I think it puts so much pressure on people.
Speaker 1: I think it makes people do things they would never
Speaker 1: do for someone. I think people feel pressured to be
Speaker 1: someone they're not or do something that doesn't feel right
Speaker 1: or likely for them to do. And so I think
Speaker 1: we all have to make of it what we want
Speaker 1: to make of it ourselves and not feel like we
Speaker 1: have to buy into the society's definition of what Valentine's
Speaker 1: Day should be. Or what the movies say you should
Speaker 1: do on Valentine's Day, And so I think sometimes it
Speaker 1: plays into that Hollywood romance of what love is meant
Speaker 1: to be, and it takes us away from what love
Speaker 1: actually is.
Speaker 2: It's so true. Our perception is so skewed sometimes of
Speaker 2: what love and what we think love is. And I mean,
Speaker 2: whether that's social media or the movies, it's happened for
Speaker 2: so long. I can think of all the Disney movies
Speaker 2: or all the wrong coms I saw growing up, and
Speaker 2: then you have this perception of what love is supposed
Speaker 2: to be. But then you your parents love, and then
Speaker 2: that's a different kind of love. And then you see
Speaker 2: the love that you have and you're like, why does
Speaker 2: this not feel like the magic that they show in
Speaker 2: the movies. So you said that nobody really sits down
Speaker 2: and teaches us how to love. The question that I
Speaker 2: had is, I'm like, how would someone even do that?
Speaker 2: Because we all feel loved so differently. Do you think
Speaker 2: this is something we should be teaching as parents.
Speaker 1: No, that's a great question. I don't think that we
Speaker 1: can teach it like how we learned in school. But
Speaker 1: I think there needs to be an element of what
Speaker 1: to look out for, what to understand. I think it's
Speaker 1: a beautiful thing for anyone to try and teach and learn.
Speaker 1: I think a lot of the time we teach people
Speaker 1: what to think about love and not how to think
Speaker 1: about love. And so you wouldn't say love is xyz
Speaker 1: and that's what it looks like and that's what you
Speaker 1: should be looking for. I think that's unhealthy because it
Speaker 1: can mean different things to different people, as you rightly said.
Speaker 1: But I think we should encourage people to say, well,
Speaker 1: this is how love could make you feel, or this
Speaker 1: this is what love could look like, and this is
Speaker 1: what healthy love looks like, and this is what toxic
Speaker 1: relationships look like. I think having some wisdom and insight
Speaker 1: around healthy and unhealthy relationships probably is going to set
Speaker 1: you up better than a random conversation about love with
Speaker 1: so many different people in your family, as you were
Speaker 1: rightly saying, right you look at your parents' relationship, you
Speaker 1: see the relationship your friends have, you watch the movies
Speaker 1: and TV shows, and then you kind of make your
Speaker 1: own version up. But none of that is based on
Speaker 1: cues that are healthy or insightful or thoughtful. And so
Speaker 1: as much as I don't think we need like a
Speaker 1: course on love. I do think we need a course
Speaker 1: on emotions and how to understand your own emotions, how
Speaker 1: to understand other people's emotions. And so I find that
Speaker 1: love may be too big for that. But emotions and
Speaker 1: emotional regulation and emotional awareness, these are skills and tools
Speaker 1: that would actually help you have better relationships. And that's
Speaker 1: why in the book, even though it's the Eight Rules
Speaker 1: of Love, the eight rules are about communication. They're about
Speaker 1: debate and fighting, they're about connecting. They're about the things
Speaker 1: you can control.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's true. I guess that's a good point of
Speaker 2: talking about the things you can control. Where do you
Speaker 2: think the culture around love, with the fairy tale endings
Speaker 2: and the perfect match come from. Do you think that
Speaker 2: does stem from like movies in Hollywood.
Speaker 1: I think it comes from a few places. I think
Speaker 1: there's a deep part of us that wants to believe
Speaker 1: and wants to yearn for this perfect love. And I
Speaker 1: think that that's true and fair and good. I think
Speaker 1: the challenge is that the image that's been created of
Speaker 1: perfect love is what's unhealthy. So it's not the idea
Speaker 1: of perfect love that's unhealthy. It's the idea of a
Speaker 1: perfect love in this way that sends us on the
Speaker 1: wrong path. I think that when you look at movies,
Speaker 1: we all know that they show you everything up until
Speaker 1: people move in together, or if they show you people
Speaker 1: moving in together, they fight and then make up over
Speaker 1: something fairly superficial. Or you look at couples who do
Speaker 1: the same things on the date night in the movies,
Speaker 1: or the anniversary parties and the events. And so I
Speaker 1: do feel that media has played a massive role even today.
Speaker 1: And I give this story in the book of my
Speaker 1: own proposal, and when I proposed to my wife, I
Speaker 1: did it. I mean, I'll cut the long story short.
Speaker 1: Everyone can read the book for the full version. But
Speaker 1: in the book I talk about how I did the
Speaker 1: full a cappella song, singing Bruno Mars, will you marry Me?
Speaker 1: I did, obviously, I got down on one knee. I
Speaker 1: had a horse drawne carriage through London. And it's like
Speaker 1: I got all those ideas from social media. I did
Speaker 1: not get them from my wife. I did not get
Speaker 1: them from my heart. I did not get them from
Speaker 1: what I thought was love. I got them from social
Speaker 1: media and TV. And so I think a lot of
Speaker 1: the ideas we have do come from media, and I
Speaker 1: think there has to be a filtering process to say,
Speaker 1: wait a minute, is this what my partner wants? Is
Speaker 1: this what I want? Is this what love looks like
Speaker 1: to the person I love? Or is it just something
Speaker 1: that I've adopted because I watched the show or a movie.
Speaker 2: That's why your book is going to be so incredible
Speaker 2: for so many people. And I love that it's written
Speaker 2: for all stages of love. So whether you're looking for
Speaker 2: the right person or you found the right person and
Speaker 2: you want to keep them. But love is really confusing,
Speaker 2: and I'm sure it is because of you know, all
Speaker 2: the things we see or we compare, we don't know.
Speaker 2: But how do you know when it is the right person?
Speaker 2: Do you really believe that there is that feeling where
Speaker 2: you're like when you know you know, or like, how
Speaker 2: do you do it's the right person? Because we all
Speaker 2: seem to want to, you know, if there's a fight
Speaker 2: or an argument, or they don't treat you right, and
Speaker 2: you're like, I could easily give up, So how do
Speaker 2: you know it's the right person?
Speaker 1: Yeah? I feel that the idea that you know when
Speaker 1: you know, that's beautiful. If you've experienced that, and I
Speaker 1: love that for you, But that can't be our best
Speaker 1: advice on love because what that says to someone is
Speaker 1: you might have to meet eight billion people to decide
Speaker 1: whether you've met the one, Because what if you don't
Speaker 1: know after twenty thirty two hundred, three hundred people that
Speaker 1: you've dated or met. And so the way I like
Speaker 1: to look at it is I break it down into
Speaker 1: three simple things. You know you're in love when these
Speaker 1: three things happen. You like their personality and they like yours.
Speaker 1: You respect their values and they respect yours. And you're
Speaker 1: committed to helping them towards their goals, and they're committed
Speaker 1: to you helping you towards your goals. And I find
Speaker 1: that that really simplifies it. I had someone the other
Speaker 1: day who told me that they were about to get married,
Speaker 1: and they said, Jay, what's your best advice? And I
Speaker 1: asked them these questions. I said, do you know what
Speaker 1: their values are? Tell me your partner's top three values
Speaker 1: right now? And they said some really broad things like
Speaker 1: kind and family, And I was like, okay, but what
Speaker 1: do they really value inside of their family? And they
Speaker 1: were struggling, and then I said, what are your partner's
Speaker 1: top three goals over the next top three in the
Speaker 1: next three years, And they didn't know. And I started
Speaker 1: to realize that it's not about whether you know they're
Speaker 1: the one. It's actually more about how much you know
Speaker 1: about them. And I think that's what we need to
Speaker 1: understand more, like, do you know how they respond to stress?
Speaker 1: Do you know how they respond to fatigue? Do you
Speaker 1: know when they're happy? Do you understand how they deal
Speaker 1: with sadness and disappointment? If you know all those things
Speaker 1: and you can still appreciate respect and love someone that's
Speaker 1: love love. Isn't this idea of I just feel great
Speaker 1: around them, but I actually don't know much about them.
Speaker 1: Because that can feel good for six months to twelve months,
Speaker 1: but when you start looking at a long term relationship,
Speaker 1: that's what lets you down.
Speaker 2: Yeah, because a lot of people, and I'll get to this,
Speaker 2: a lot of people feel like they just don't want
Speaker 2: to be alone. Feeling lonely is worse than you know,
Speaker 2: being in a relationship. And you can get through it
Speaker 2: after you know, six months, Oh it's fine, it's fine,
Speaker 2: And then a year happens and you're like, oh wait,
Speaker 2: I can't deal with this, but at the time you're like,
Speaker 2: that's better than being lonely. You point out that will
Speaker 2: I Ever Find Love is the most popular search engine
Speaker 2: question that people ask. Why do you think that is?
Speaker 2: Why are we so worried about being alone and finding somebody?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, So if you google will I ever, Google
Speaker 1: says the rest of the sentences find love, And if
Speaker 1: you say will I ever, it will say get married.
Speaker 1: So that's in the top three or top five as well.
Speaker 1: And then the next one is will I am net worth?
Speaker 1: Because people seem to be really fascinated by will I
Speaker 1: AM's net worth? And his networth is seventy million according
Speaker 1: to Google for anyone who's anyone who's googling it right now.
Speaker 1: But going back to the topic and everyone can check
Speaker 1: there will I ever? Afterwards. I think it's something that
Speaker 1: scares us about the future. I think we're scared of
Speaker 1: being alone now, but we're more scared of being alone
Speaker 1: in the future. That's why the question is will I
Speaker 1: ever Find love? Because I think we're scared about the
Speaker 1: idea of growing old alone, of going through life alone,
Speaker 1: of seeing everyone in our life with someone else, but
Speaker 1: us not having that other person, and those are all
Speaker 1: very valid emotions and very valid fears. But I think
Speaker 1: at the same time we have to realize that when
Speaker 1: you're feeling alone, when you're fearing being by yourself, you
Speaker 1: don't make good decisions. Research shows that if you get
Speaker 1: into a relationship because you feel alone, you're more likely
Speaker 1: to settle for less than you deserve, You're more likely
Speaker 1: to be dependent on that person, and you're less likely
Speaker 1: going to be able to break up even if it's
Speaker 1: not working out. And so when you get into a
Speaker 1: relationship because you're scared of being alone, you actually choose
Speaker 1: someone who's not even what you want from a relationship.
Speaker 1: But you feel safer in a false way, and you
Speaker 1: feel secure in a false way, and you know that
Speaker 1: deep down, which scares you even more, and so your
Speaker 1: fear actually becomes worse. But again, you know, Kate. Then
Speaker 1: it comes from the idea that when we were young,
Speaker 1: if you had lunch on your own, you were considered
Speaker 1: the weirdo. If you went to exactly exactly exactly from
Speaker 1: Super Bad.
Speaker 2: Right, Yeah, I love that you brought.
Speaker 1: Us exactly exactly. And if you had a birthday party
Speaker 1: and no one showed up, or a few people showed up,
Speaker 1: you were the loner. Hey. By the way, when you're
Speaker 1: thirty years old and over, if you get five of
Speaker 1: your best friends to show up, you're really happy about that.
Speaker 1: You take pride in that. And then you know, when
Speaker 1: you went to a wedding as a plus and you
Speaker 1: didn't have a plus one, people would be like, oh,
Speaker 1: poor you, like sad for you. So we've kind of
Speaker 1: made it feel awkward to be alone, and so now
Speaker 1: we carry that. But we'd rather be with anyone than
Speaker 1: be alone. And that's the challenge.
Speaker 2: Yeah, how can being alone actually help you attract the
Speaker 2: right person?
Speaker 1: So I think we all start alone, and that's part
Speaker 1: of the puzzle that you know, we start alone, and
Speaker 1: being alone in and of itself will not help you
Speaker 1: attract the right person. Like just being single or just
Speaker 1: being alone doesn't do the work. But I think your
Speaker 1: question is what can you do when you're alone to
Speaker 1: attract the right person. I think the first thing is
Speaker 1: you need to do something hard and challenging by yourself.
Speaker 1: You could take on a new workout class, you could
Speaker 1: take on a new health habit, you could take on
Speaker 1: I mean, what you're going off to do. You're going
Speaker 1: off to do an incredible retreat over the next few days,
Speaker 1: you're taking on something challenging. When you take on something
Speaker 1: challenging when you're alone, or when you're single, or when
Speaker 1: you're by yourself, you gain the strength and courage to
Speaker 1: understand what you have inside of you. Now, when you
Speaker 1: get into a relationship, you realize you're bringing so much
Speaker 1: to the table. You realize that I'm a confident, complete,
Speaker 1: whole individual. You stop thinking like, oh, I hope I
Speaker 1: find my better half or I hope I find someone
Speaker 1: that completes me, and you start recognizing, well, actually, I
Speaker 1: have a lot to offer someone because I can do
Speaker 1: hard things by myself. I have done challenging things by myself,
Speaker 1: and so that would be the first thing I'd say
Speaker 1: when you're alone. The second thing I'd say is you
Speaker 1: actually at time to understand and learn about yourself. I
Speaker 1: think when you don't do that alone, you just sign
Speaker 1: up and subscribe to what everyone else likes. If your
Speaker 1: partner likes a certain type of food, now you like it.
Speaker 1: If they like a certain type of entertainment, you like it.
Speaker 1: And then ten twenty years down the line, you realize
Speaker 1: you've lost who you are because you just followed what
Speaker 1: they wanted to do. And I think a lot of
Speaker 1: people end up feeling like they lost themselves, but the
Speaker 1: truth is they never found themselves in the first place.
Speaker 1: So when you find yourself in solitude, you don't lose
Speaker 1: yourself in a relationship.
Speaker 2: That is such a good point. People are probably like, Caitlyn,
Speaker 2: shut up about your ex relationship that we've heard about
Speaker 2: thirty million times, But I always related back to certain
Speaker 2: things where I completely lost myself in this relationship. But
Speaker 2: when you say that, it's not even that you lost yourself,
Speaker 2: it's you didn't find yourself in the first place. That
Speaker 2: is so true. I completely found myself, you know, close
Speaker 2: to the age of thirty, and I was in all
Speaker 2: these relationships losing myself quote unquote to all these people
Speaker 2: when really I just hadn't found out who I really
Speaker 2: truly was. And I'm still figuring that out. But it's
Speaker 2: it's just it's such an fascinating topic, and I wanted
Speaker 2: to ask you the difference between loneliness and solitude for
Speaker 2: those listening.
Speaker 1: Yeah, So, I love this beautiful statement from Paul Tillich
Speaker 1: where he talks about the fact that the English language
Speaker 1: has two words for being alone, but we only use
Speaker 1: one of them. We only use loneliness. And loneliness is
Speaker 1: the weakness of being alone, but solitude is the strength
Speaker 1: or as he he says, the glory of being alone.
Speaker 1: And it's really interesting that in our language we always
Speaker 1: say I'm alone, I'm single. We don't say I'm in solitude, right,
Speaker 1: we don't actually use that word because we see it
Speaker 1: as a weakness. And if you see being alone as
Speaker 1: a weakness and you see a relationship as a strength,
Speaker 1: that means you're weak by yourself and you're only strong
Speaker 1: with this person. Now, if you're only strong with this person,
Speaker 1: when that person leaves or something goes wrong or there's
Speaker 1: a challenge, you go back to feeling weak again. And
Speaker 1: so your strength can't be found only in a relationship.
Speaker 1: Your strength is found by yourself, through yourself, and when
Speaker 1: you're strong, when you're powerful, when you're courageous, then when
Speaker 1: you get into a relationship you can build more strength together. Right.
Speaker 1: If you've got a broken home and you only find
Speaker 1: a complete home with someone else, you feel broken continuously.
Speaker 1: And that's when we have these ideas of like, oh
Speaker 1: they're out of my league, I'm not good enough for them,
Speaker 1: or maybe I've got to do something to impress them
Speaker 1: because you walked into the relationship feeling that they were
Speaker 1: better than you, because they made you whole. And so
Speaker 1: that never stops, like that continues even in the relationship
Speaker 1: of I have to earn their respect, or I have
Speaker 1: to impress them, or I have to keep them excited
Speaker 1: and interested. And if that's done from a place of love,
Speaker 1: that's beautiful. But if it's done from a place of
Speaker 1: fear and insecurity, and that's the thing. Sometimes love and
Speaker 1: fear can look like the same thing. You're trying to
Speaker 1: make someone happy, you're trying to make someone feel good,
Speaker 1: you're trying to help someone, But are you doing it
Speaker 1: from a place of fear and insecurity because they might leave,
Speaker 1: or are you doing it from a place of you
Speaker 1: deeply respect and admire this person? Yeah?
Speaker 2: Wow, God, I wish I could have you for like
Speaker 2: eight hours on this podcast. It's just so good. I mean,
Speaker 2: this is just such It's like it probably feels very
Speaker 2: simple to you, but it's so profound to me.
Speaker 1: And no it doesn't. You're You're inspiring, Kaitlyn. I have
Speaker 1: to tell you, like you've asked me some questions, then
Speaker 1: it must me your energy because I've said things to
Speaker 1: you today that have not said before. And yeah, and
Speaker 1: whenever I do that, and I'm very aware of that
Speaker 1: because A I try to be fully present and energetically
Speaker 1: present whenever I'm doing anything, and often I find when
Speaker 1: you're talking about a book or your you're meeting and
Speaker 1: doing lots of podcasts or interviews or whatever it may be,
Speaker 1: I try really hard to not repeat myself, but I
Speaker 1: find that when the host, especially today, I'm feeling that
Speaker 1: with you, I feel you're so present and these are
Speaker 1: such real questions that I feel I'm being inspired energetically
Speaker 1: to give answers that I've not given before. So i
Speaker 1: just want to say share that because I'm honestly everything
Speaker 1: that is coming out of my mouth, I'm like, I'm
Speaker 1: going to tell my team, I'm like, guys, we need
Speaker 1: to write that down because I haven't said that before.
Speaker 1: So I really appreciate. Yeah, you're you're inspiring that, and
Speaker 1: I want you to know that's that's your energy as
Speaker 1: a host.
Speaker 2: Wow, that is the most flattering thing anyone's ever said
Speaker 2: to me. But it's it's, you know, funny, as I've
Speaker 2: this is such a great job of mine to interview
Speaker 2: people that inspire me. And I went to my energy
Speaker 2: healer this morning and he even told me the same thing.
Speaker 2: He was like, I'm really impressed by your energy and
Speaker 2: I was like what. So then hearing you say it today,
Speaker 2: I'm like, Okay, I feel like I'm on the right path.
Speaker 2: I'm going to Hoffman tomorrow. Everything was lining up. This
Speaker 2: is this is so great. So thank you for sharing
Speaker 2: that with me also, because that's extremely flattering.
Speaker 1: No, well, I'm going to add also that I can
Speaker 1: vouch for it for all your audience because you won't
Speaker 1: tell them this. So I was extremely late today for
Speaker 1: this interview because I was running late from other interviews
Speaker 1: and my team was in touch with Kaitlin and I
Speaker 1: was dming her as well, frantically going, Kaitlyn, I'm really sorry.
Speaker 1: And I turned up today and Kaitlyn and her team
Speaker 1: received me as if I turned up early, like that's
Speaker 1: how much love I felt and how much kindness I felt.
Speaker 1: And I was like, this is a human who's like
Speaker 1: living in that space, so she wouldn't have told you that.
Speaker 1: That's why I'm telling you all of that. And Kaitlyn,
Speaker 1: I really appreciate that too, so thank you.
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, that's amazing. I won't too much more
Speaker 2: of your time. I do have some more questions please.
Speaker 2: People are so excited by the way that you're on
Speaker 2: this podcast today. I got so many DMS when I
Speaker 2: said that I was talking to you, so.
Speaker 1: Ask everything, ask away. I want to make sure I
Speaker 1: answer all your questions.
Speaker 2: I'm going to and you know what, I have been
Speaker 2: going through your book and I can't wait because I
Speaker 2: have such a long flight tomorrow. And I mean, it's
Speaker 2: just incredible. You're the way you speak, the way you
Speaker 2: write everything. I mean, some people are born with it, maybe,
Speaker 2: but you have obviously gone through phases in your life
Speaker 2: or things in your life that have gotten you to
Speaker 2: where you are today. And I know you what were
Speaker 2: you three years? Three years as a monk?
Speaker 1: Yes, that's right, three years.
Speaker 2: Yes, well, I can't even like to me, I mean,
Speaker 2: I did Bachelor. This is obviously not the same I'm
Speaker 2: saying I did Bachelor. I did not have a phone,
Speaker 2: is what I'm getting at. I didn't have a phone
Speaker 2: or TV or anything. And I was like, I'm so isolated.
Speaker 2: And then for Hoffmann, I'm actually excited to be alone,
Speaker 2: not have a phone, get uncomfortable, and and I just
Speaker 2: feel like I can't even imagine how three years you
Speaker 2: probably at first maybe it was uncomfortable, and then did
Speaker 2: you just surrender to the process or did you fall
Speaker 2: in love with the silence? How was that for you?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Well, I think I went into it with the
Speaker 1: mindset you're going into Huffman, which was I'm going to
Speaker 1: apply myself fully to this process. I'm really excited about it,
Speaker 1: and I'm going to follow it the way it's being taught,
Speaker 1: because then I'll actually get the reward. Yeah. Right, If
Speaker 1: I start cutting corners or if I start trying to
Speaker 1: make it more comfortable, then I'm not getting anything. Now.
Speaker 1: The first month, my mind was going crazy because when
Speaker 1: you go silent externally, your internal dialogue eats you alive,
Speaker 1: and so your mind is just frantic. It's stressed, it's
Speaker 1: putting pressure on you, it's asking questions, it's demanding things
Speaker 1: of you. And you find that as you tolerate that
Speaker 1: and as you listen to that, it gets quieter. But
Speaker 1: then what ends up happening is you start asking deeper questions,
Speaker 1: and more thoughtful questions come up, and you start going
Speaker 1: through some uncomfortable uncoverings and revelations where you're looking at
Speaker 1: dark sides or mistakes or regrets and you start excavating
Speaker 1: and that's tough, but it's glorious on the other side.
Speaker 1: And then the third thing that happened after all of
Speaker 1: that was a sense of comfort in discomfort, that the
Speaker 1: idea that doing uncomfortable things became more natural. And I
Speaker 1: realized that this applies to anything, whether you're going to
Speaker 1: go and sit in a cold plunge, whether you're going
Speaker 1: to meditate, whether you're going to huffman, whether you go
Speaker 1: off and become a monk. The point is that we
Speaker 1: have to get comfortable with uncomfortable situations because life is
Speaker 1: full of uncertainty and discomfort. And so I think that's
Speaker 1: really what I would say made all the difference. That
Speaker 1: it's not that I found it easy. It's not that
Speaker 1: it was natural for me. It's not that I'm this
Speaker 1: special human being could make this. That was not it
Speaker 1: was easy, it was naturally it was. It was tough.
Speaker 1: It's difficult. It's still tough today. I don't think it
Speaker 1: ever stopped, but I think you get more conscious and
Speaker 1: more skilled at being able to take on the challenge.
Speaker 2: Let's talk about discomfort for a minute. How do we
Speaker 2: know when to break up from a tough relationship or
Speaker 2: push through to make it special? Because I guess I
Speaker 2: want to know, like, is fighting and arguing bad and
Speaker 2: when do we know that that's when we should leave
Speaker 2: or if it's like, well, we committed to each other
Speaker 2: and we need to get through this, and that's what
Speaker 2: makes a relationship special.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think there's a difference between we need to
Speaker 1: get through this and we want to get through this.
Speaker 1: So our relationship that lasts is that there's enthusiasm and
Speaker 1: energy to say, look, it's a tough time, but we're
Speaker 1: both going to figure it out. Right, We're both going
Speaker 1: to grow, we're both going to change, we're both going
Speaker 1: to learn, and there's this collective thing. And what I
Speaker 1: find in relationships that often end or when one person
Speaker 1: wants to work on the relationationship and the other person doesn't.
Speaker 1: So it's never when both people are excited and enthused
Speaker 1: and focused on building the relationship. I think another thing
Speaker 1: I'd like to say is that when it comes to
Speaker 1: arguments and fighting, if it's manipulative, toxic, abusive, emotionally manipulative.
Speaker 1: That's not the kind of fighting or discussion or debate
Speaker 1: that I encourage in the book. What I'm talking about
Speaker 1: is that every couple argues to some degree, but knowing
Speaker 1: how to argue better is a really healthy skill, and
Speaker 1: some agreements are really good. Like so, for example, my
Speaker 1: wife and I have some agreements. One is that we'll
Speaker 1: never raise our voice at each other. We can be
Speaker 1: angry and upset, but that doesn't mean we need to shout.
Speaker 1: We can express it, but it doesn't need to be
Speaker 1: really really loud. Second thing is we don't swear at
Speaker 1: each other. We don't want to use that language with
Speaker 1: each other. The third thing is we don't throw around
Speaker 1: the word divorce or I'm going to leave you or
Speaker 1: break up. It's not something that you get to you
Speaker 1: every time things get tough or there's something challenging. And
Speaker 1: so these are just some basic agreements. But I think
Speaker 1: having healthy agreements of how do we deal with conflict,
Speaker 1: how do we deal with when one of us is
Speaker 1: going through a really tough time personally, I think having
Speaker 1: those boundaries and agreements and rules is a really healthy
Speaker 1: way to form a relationship and ultimately a relationship that's
Speaker 1: going to last is because you both are willing to
Speaker 1: put in the work. That's what it comes down to.
Speaker 1: And if there's only one of you willing to put
Speaker 1: in the work, that's you dragging the relationship forward. And
Speaker 1: that's a decision you have to make personally whether you
Speaker 1: want to be that person. Yeah.
Speaker 2: I feel like sometimes when we do that, we're all
Speaker 2: just you know, if we cross a boundary or we
Speaker 2: let the boundary go, and then it's like, how do
Speaker 2: you come back from that? How do we how do
Speaker 2: we stop ourselves from making the same mistakes over and
Speaker 2: over again, which a lot of people do in relationships.
Speaker 1: I think the way you drop yourself from making mistakes
Speaker 1: over and over again is you journal and write down
Speaker 1: how you feel in the moment. See. The challenging thing
Speaker 1: is that we forget when things get good, and we
Speaker 1: remember when things go bad, and so your memory only
Speaker 1: kicks in when everything's going wrong and you're like, oh
Speaker 1: my gosh, I should have seen those three red flags.
Speaker 1: But then when things got good, you went, oh, no,
Speaker 1: they've changed. Everything's okay now. And that's why I always
Speaker 1: say to people, make a mental and physical record, a
Speaker 1: journal of exactly how you feel. When things are bad
Speaker 1: and exactly how you feel when things are good, and
Speaker 1: when you keep that record, now when it happens again,
Speaker 1: you're like, oh, wait a minute, let me not be
Speaker 1: fooled by the momentary happiness and joy, because really, what
Speaker 1: I'm experiencing is this, And I think what we do
Speaker 1: is we kind of have this yo yo pendulum oscillating
Speaker 1: effect of like the good times are really good, but
Speaker 1: the bad times are really bad. And I think that
Speaker 1: that's the unhealthy part. That you don't want to swing
Speaker 1: back and forth. It's actually better to be like, hey,
Speaker 1: we have some tough terms that we deal with them,
Speaker 1: and we have some great terms and they're awesome, but
Speaker 1: you just don't want that to get so wide and
Speaker 1: so extreme that you're literally swinging from one side to
Speaker 1: the other.
Speaker 2: Right, And we'll talk about arguments for a minute. I
Speaker 2: know you say that people have different fight styles the vendor,
Speaker 2: the hyder, the exploder, and none of them are technically bad,
Speaker 2: But at what point do you think you should be
Speaker 2: concerned about the way you're fighting with your partner? Like
Speaker 2: maybe not the word fighting, but arguing is healthy. Like
Speaker 2: at what point, again, you'd probably saying, like if it's manipulative,
Speaker 2: that's probably yeah.
Speaker 1: So I would say that two people in any relationship
Speaker 1: are going to have challenges and problems, and you're going
Speaker 1: to have to have uncomfortable conversations. Sometimes we avoid fights
Speaker 1: by suppressing how we really feel, and so we say
Speaker 1: to everyone we never fight, we never argue, and we
Speaker 1: wear that as like an achieved like a badge of honor,
Speaker 1: but really inside it's burning us because we're not talking
Speaker 1: about what we really want to talk about. But on
Speaker 1: the flip side, I'd say that if arguments are constantly
Speaker 1: happening where both people are pointing the finger at the
Speaker 1: other person, and both people are not willing to look
Speaker 1: at their involvement and their responsibility in what's going on,
Speaker 1: that's when you can't go further right. It requires that
Speaker 1: ownership and responsibility where both people look back and say,
Speaker 1: I know what I'm getting wrong. You know what you're
Speaker 1: getting wrong. Okay, let's get this right, rather than no, no, no,
Speaker 1: it's all about you. You're doing everything wrong, and then
Speaker 1: you're like, no, you're doing everything wrong. And if it's
Speaker 1: constantly a battle of you're the mistake, you're the problem,
Speaker 1: You're the issue, that can get very exhausting, very very quickly.
Speaker 1: And the challenge is, most of the time relationships don't
Speaker 1: end because there's a big issue. They end because keep
Speaker 1: arguing about little things. Right, we get exhausted from arguing
Speaker 1: about the tiniest things. It doesn't have to be like
Speaker 1: someone cheated, or it doesn't have to be like someone
Speaker 1: stole money, or it doesn't have to be something as
Speaker 1: extreme as that. Sometimes it's literally you keep arguing about
Speaker 1: tiny things and you're exhausted, and now you have no
Speaker 1: energy for love.
Speaker 2: Well, I like that you say the journaling part. Historically
Speaker 2: I have been the exploder in a relationship and journaling
Speaker 2: and writing down I'll never forget what a therapist told
Speaker 2: me one time. I said, sometimes it just comes out
Speaker 2: and it's stronger than me, and these mean things come out,
Speaker 2: And she goes, why don't you just try once writing
Speaker 2: down just awful things that come into your head, of
Speaker 2: what you would say to your partner, and then fold
Speaker 2: it into a piece of paper and then put it
Speaker 2: on the counter and say this is how it's feeling,
Speaker 2: and it's not very nice, but if you'd like to
Speaker 2: read it, you're more than welcome. And they're probably not
Speaker 2: going to want to read it, and then you're probably
Speaker 2: not going to even want to put it on the counter,
Speaker 2: but because you'll realize by the time you wrote it
Speaker 2: down that it's not something you should have said in
Speaker 2: the first place. And I did that one time and
Speaker 2: it really shifted my perspective and something in my brain
Speaker 2: for that, and I was like, oh my gosh, Okay.
Speaker 2: So then I have a question. So, if you are
Speaker 2: one to avoid conflicts, or you are hiding it or
Speaker 2: pushing it down out of fear, what should you do
Speaker 2: to avoid.
Speaker 1: That avoid suppressing it? You mean, yes, So I think
Speaker 1: there's a difference between expressing anger and pain and explaining
Speaker 1: anger and pain. And so I think people think that
Speaker 1: the opposite of expressing is suppressing. And you're not trying
Speaker 1: to get to the opposite of expressing, You're trying to
Speaker 1: explain how you feel. I'll show you the difference. Expressing
Speaker 1: is you're an idiot, I hate you, You're ruining my life. Right.
Speaker 1: That's expressing. You're just literally throwing it at someone. Explaining
Speaker 1: is saying when you talk to me like this, this
Speaker 1: is what I feel, this is what I experience when
Speaker 1: we deal with our issues in this way. It makes
Speaker 1: me feel upset, inadequate, whatever it may be. You're explaining
Speaker 1: how you feel, and now you've shifted the energy because
Speaker 1: now you can actually have a conversation about what you're
Speaker 1: talking about, rather than someone just having to catch your
Speaker 1: emotions and catch your energy. And so to me, explaining anger,
Speaker 1: not expressing it allows you to actually not suppress it
Speaker 1: because if you just go, Okay, I've got to deal
Speaker 1: with this all in my head, I'm not going to
Speaker 1: say anything to them that's unhealthy because that's just going
Speaker 1: to keep burning inside of you. So what I recommend
Speaker 1: is taking out time, taking a moment, and actually even
Speaker 1: more than all of that, prepare before you end up
Speaker 1: in that position. You know you're going to say something
Speaker 1: you don't mean. You know you're going to say something
Speaker 1: hurtful and potentially damaging. Set yourself up before and say,
Speaker 1: when I'm about to hit that zone, explain how I feel.
Speaker 1: Don't just express it.
Speaker 2: Why do you think that's so hard for people to do?
Speaker 2: It's when you say it and I hear you say it.
Speaker 2: Why is it so hard for people to execute that?
Speaker 1: Doing that because we haven't practiced, We've never practiced it.
Speaker 1: All we've ever done, is let whatever we think come
Speaker 1: straight out of our mouth. And maybe we didn't even
Speaker 1: think about it. We felt it and we said it,
Speaker 1: and so it's just because we haven't practiced it. And
Speaker 1: so it's not something that you should know how to do.
Speaker 1: It's not something that you must know how to do.
Speaker 1: It's something we have to train ourselves into a habit
Speaker 1: of doing it. Right. So if every time you're in
Speaker 1: that moment, in that heated moment, you have to learn
Speaker 1: to cool down, whether it's through prompts physically, you know
Speaker 1: it's present. Like for example, like one of the things
Speaker 1: that I often say to people is if you're about
Speaker 1: to say something, you mean, hold their hands. Right, if
Speaker 1: you're holding someone's hands, you're like less likely about to
Speaker 1: say something hurtful and harmful because you think you can
Speaker 1: say something harmful because you feel distant from them. But
Speaker 1: if you feel a bit closer to them, you're going
Speaker 1: to say it in a much more conscious, intentional way.
Speaker 1: Another thing I'd add is usually when we argue it's
Speaker 1: not schedule, And what I mean by that is, if
Speaker 1: you have to have a difficult or uncomfortable conversation, don't
Speaker 1: just have it when someone walks through the door, or
Speaker 1: when someone's about to go through a really important interview.
Speaker 1: Have it when you say, by the way, I really
Speaker 1: need to talk to you about this, can we schedule time?
Speaker 1: And I think that's what's so important, is that you're
Speaker 1: not just having arguments because you're uncontrolled. You're actually setting
Speaker 1: yourself up a success by saying, can we talk about
Speaker 1: this when you're less stressed. I'm less stressed. Let's find
Speaker 1: the right time to have this uncomfortable conversation. The third
Speaker 1: thing I'm going to say is often when we fight
Speaker 1: with people, we sit opposite them or stand opposite them,
Speaker 1: and a lot of research shows that when you're sitting
Speaker 1: on the same side, you actually feel like you're on
Speaker 1: the same team. And that's why a lot of leaders
Speaker 1: inside companies, when they have to give feedback or have
Speaker 1: tough conversations, they walk with people because now you're walking
Speaker 1: in the same direction and that's psychologically impacting you. Rather
Speaker 1: than sitting across the table from each other against each other,
Speaker 1: you're walking in the same direction with each other.
Speaker 2: I love that. That's actually really incredible advice for me
Speaker 2: to take away. And also I feel like that's why
Speaker 2: people find therapy so beneficial. It almost is a scheduled
Speaker 2: time to talk about feelings that have built up. You
Speaker 2: don't immediately say it when they walk through the door.
Speaker 2: You go, oh, I'm going to save this for therapy.
Speaker 2: We could talk about it with a professional and then
Speaker 2: by that time you're able to deliver it. So I
Speaker 2: love all that advice. That's incredible, and I wanted to
Speaker 2: turn the beat around here for a minute and talk
Speaker 2: about people in happy, healthy relationships I believe, such as yourself.
Speaker 2: How can we keep that spark alive in the relationship
Speaker 2: and grow with our partner instead of growing apart.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think the way I talk about in the
Speaker 1: book Four Levels of Intimacy and what I've read when
Speaker 1: I was sitting with couples, and it's not surprising or
Speaker 1: when I was looking at the research, the number one
Speaker 1: activity couples do together is watch television. Now, I'm not
Speaker 1: against TV. I'm not against watching TV together. I watch
Speaker 1: TV and movies with my wife all the time. But
Speaker 1: the problem is when that's the only thing you do together,
Speaker 1: which means seven to fourteen hours a week, I spent
Speaker 1: both of you not connecting, not sharing an experience, not
Speaker 1: directing your energy towards each other, but at the screen.
Speaker 1: And so that's one form of connection, but it's quite
Speaker 1: a low form. Higher than that is experiences and experiments.
Speaker 1: What I mean by that is do new things together.
Speaker 1: If you only ever see your partner do the same things.
Speaker 1: They do their job, they wash the dishes, they do
Speaker 1: the laundry. You see your partner do the same daily tasks,
Speaker 1: it's hard to learn something new about them. Whereas if
Speaker 1: you go to a painting class, a pottery class, maybe
Speaker 1: you go for a walk in a place you've never
Speaker 1: been to before, you take a weekend break that you've
Speaker 1: never visited before. When you do new things together, you
Speaker 1: learn new things about each other. That's what keeps the
Speaker 1: spark alive. I find that we want to find the spark.
Speaker 1: But we felt the spark because it was new. But
Speaker 1: now all we do is old things together. Right, We
Speaker 1: don't do anything new together, and so how can there
Speaker 1: be a spark. A higher level than that is to
Speaker 1: learn together, grow together. You may not like listening to
Speaker 1: the same podcast or reading the same books, but if
Speaker 1: you're both doing your own learning, I promise you you'll
Speaker 1: have more to share with each other and more to
Speaker 1: learn about each other. I think that we've lost curiosity, Caitlin.
Speaker 1: I think we feel we know everything about our partners.
Speaker 1: I would honestly say to you, I've been with my
Speaker 1: wife for ten years, and I learned something new about
Speaker 1: her all the time, like it's ever fresh. And it's
Speaker 1: not that because I'm amazing at spotting new things. It's
Speaker 1: because we constantly do new, exciting and thralling things. And
Speaker 1: the key to that is do things where neither view
Speaker 1: at the expert. Do things where it's not either of
Speaker 1: your passions. Do truly new things to discover new things
Speaker 1: about each other.
Speaker 2: I'm going to take that and run with it because
Speaker 2: I feel like Jason and I get caught up in
Speaker 2: this cycle of talking business because we both are super
Speaker 2: driven and motivated, and we are so passionate about what
Speaker 2: we do that at the end of the night, we're
Speaker 2: not doing something like you said, like that isn't that
Speaker 2: you're not the best at We're not taking that time
Speaker 2: to We literally are like we're tired, Let's throw on
Speaker 2: a show or let's talk about business, because that's something
Speaker 2: we both enjoy talking about. So I really appreciate that
Speaker 2: feedback because I think that's really helpful. And lastly, you
Speaker 2: talk about balancing work, love and life without losing yourself.
Speaker 2: How do you continue to give love to your partner yourself.
Speaker 2: Some people have kids and your bucket might feel a
Speaker 2: little bit empty while you still have so much going on, Like,
Speaker 2: how do you figure out how to keep everybody's buckets
Speaker 2: a little full?
Speaker 1: I think is that we try and balance everything perfectly
Speaker 1: all the time. And you know, Arianna Huffington once said,
Speaker 1: you can have it all, just not all at the
Speaker 1: same time. And I love that idea because there are
Speaker 1: different phases and stages to life. That's why when you're single,
Speaker 1: you're meant to fill yourself up so that when you
Speaker 1: get into a relationship you can fill each other up.
Speaker 1: And then when you have kids, you fill the kids up,
Speaker 1: and then you refill yourselves again. And so the way
Speaker 1: I break it down is there's a different priority at
Speaker 1: different stages. That doesn't mean you're not filling yourself up
Speaker 1: and filling other people up at the same time, but
Speaker 1: you recognize that in this season, I need to focus
Speaker 1: more on the kids. In this season, I need to
Speaker 1: focus more on myself. And the only way you do
Speaker 1: it is by not putting pressure on yourself to do
Speaker 1: it all. You give yourself brace, you allow yourself to
Speaker 1: make mistakes, You recognize you're a flawed, normal, fallible human
Speaker 1: who doesn't get everything right all the time, and that
Speaker 1: you try your best. As simple as that sounds, I
Speaker 1: find that people know when you're trying your best. People
Speaker 1: know when you're consciously thinking of them. To be honest,
Speaker 1: sometimes I'll say to my wife, Hey, I know you've
Speaker 1: been struggling with this. How can I help you? And
Speaker 1: her response is, actually, I've got it covered, but I'm
Speaker 1: just thankfully thought of. Half the time, our partners just
Speaker 1: want to feel seen, heard and understood. They don't need
Speaker 1: you to do anything drastic. They don't need you to
Speaker 1: take them on the vacation or take them on the
Speaker 1: date night. They just want to feel seen, heard and understood.
Speaker 1: And when they don't feel seen, heard and understood, that's
Speaker 1: when they want the vacation, and that's when they want
Speaker 1: the anniversary party, and that's when they want the birthday party,
Speaker 1: because those are all ways of patching up all of
Speaker 1: the other issues that they feel.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so true. I mean everybody say I'm like, yes, yes.
Speaker 1: I'm glad. It's resonating. I really hope it resonates with
Speaker 1: your amazing audience and your community, because I'm just trying
Speaker 1: to speak in real terms and try and speak as
Speaker 1: true fully and openly as I can.
Speaker 2: No it will. I mean, you can think about that
Speaker 2: book is there's some parts I definitely disagree with, but
Speaker 2: the women men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Like,
Speaker 2: it's just it's gone back so many years where it's
Speaker 2: people are wired a certain way and it's just not
Speaker 2: the same as it was. However long ago that was,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. So it's it's we're all
Speaker 2: trying to evolve and grow and change and stay with
Speaker 2: the times, and I feel like everything right now is
Speaker 2: it's not the same as it was in the cavemen
Speaker 2: days where men are from Mars and women are from Venus.
Speaker 2: It's still maybe a little bit wired that way, but
Speaker 2: we have to grow as.
Speaker 1: We have to so, and our lives have changed, right, Work,
Speaker 1: work schedules have changed, work responsibilities have changed, so we
Speaker 1: can't keep applying that advice to these modern lives that
Speaker 1: we live.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I completely agree. I just I am so grateful
Speaker 2: for you and I loved having you on my podcast,
Speaker 2: and I know you are just so busy, and I
Speaker 2: just can't tell you how grateful I am that you
Speaker 2: spent some time with today. And I just know how
Speaker 2: much this will mean, how much of it into me personally,
Speaker 2: and how much it will mean to my listeners as well.
Speaker 2: And I want to like shout this book from the
Speaker 2: rooftops and have everybody get it because I love the
Speaker 2: dits for everybody, and I love what you say and
Speaker 2: you've helped me more than you know. So thank you,
Speaker 2: thank you, Thank you.
Speaker 1: Well, Kaitlyn. I want to say thank you to you.
Speaker 1: I also want to say thank you to everyone who's
Speaker 1: been listening and watching and everyone who orders the book.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. It means the world to me.
Speaker 1: I poured my heart into this book for two years
Speaker 1: and so I deeply value anyone who takes a moment
Speaker 1: to read it. And I also want to send you
Speaker 1: away with a little intention, a little meditation, just to
Speaker 1: thank you, just to wish you well on this journey
Speaker 1: you're off too, for the next six days, and I
Speaker 1: really hope that it's a transformative, deeply moving and impactful
Speaker 1: process for you. And I hope that when you come
Speaker 1: out of it, you have new lessons, new wisdom, new
Speaker 1: insight that you're able to line your life and share love,
Speaker 1: share joy, and share your spirit with everyone in your life.
Speaker 1: So I just wanted to put that intention out there
Speaker 1: for you and sending you so much love and positive
Speaker 1: energy through this journey.
Speaker 2: Thank you so much. I know you're going on a
Speaker 2: whole live tour when I get back, so I'm sure
Speaker 2: we will cross paths, and even if it's DMS, because
Speaker 2: I want to.
Speaker 1: I hope you will come and see me. Well, yeah,
Speaker 1: I hope you will come and see the show. That'd
Speaker 1: be awesome.
Speaker 2: I would love to. Is there a place where people
Speaker 2: can find your book, the dates you're going on to tour,
Speaker 2: everywhere that everyone can find you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, the book can be ordered from eight Rules of
Speaker 1: Love dot com, same as the title Eight Rules of
Speaker 1: Love dot com, and the tour is at Jshetty tour
Speaker 1: dot com and all the dates there, whether you're in
Speaker 1: the US or international, And so Jshetty tour dot com.
Speaker 2: Good luck with your full tour.
Speaker 1: Er so much.
Speaker 2: You're just helping so many people and opening people's eyes
Speaker 2: and minds, and it's it's really incredible, and I just again,
Speaker 2: thank you for that, and thank you for chatting with
Speaker 2: me today, Caitlin.
Speaker 1: It was so fun talking to you and we will
Speaker 1: keep in touch. And again, thank you so much. I'm
Speaker 1: so grateful and all the best. I have a great
Speaker 1: six days. Thank you so much for listening to on Purpose.
Speaker 1: It means the world to me. I am so excited
Speaker 1: to be sharing these episodes with you. I am pumped
Speaker 1: and I cannot wait for the next one. We're often
Speaker 1: told that we've got to focus on ourselves and that
Speaker 1: we can't look to others to make us happy. While
Speaker 1: that's in many ways true, there is a path to
Speaker 1: contentment that involves others without relying on them. Don't worry,
Speaker 1: I'll explain. The next seven minutes are about happiness and
Speaker 1: how you can find yours by helping others find theirs.
Speaker 1: I'm Jay Sheddy. Welcome to the Daily Jay. Now, I'd
Speaker 1: like to pause here as always and get entered with
Speaker 1: three conscious breaths, deep breath in and a slow breath out,
Speaker 1: connecting with your body and releasing tension, connecting with your
Speaker 1: mind and tapping in. There's a brilliant story about a
Speaker 1: teacher who hands each of her students a balloon and
Speaker 1: has them write their name on it with a marker.
Speaker 1: The teacher holds up a timer and tells the students,
Speaker 1: on the account of three, I'm going to have you all
Speaker 1: throw your balloons up in the air, and you'll have
Speaker 1: two minutes to find the one with your name. The
Speaker 1: teacher counts to three, and the students are off racing
Speaker 1: around the room. They're tripping over one another, wildly batting
Speaker 1: the balloons in their frantic search. It's mayhem. At the
Speaker 1: end of the two minutes, the teacher instructs everyone to freeze.
Speaker 1: She asks who found their balloon. Only a few hands
Speaker 1: go up. Okay, The teacher says, we're going to do
Speaker 1: it again, but now I want you to pick up
Speaker 1: whichever balloon is closest to you and return it to
Speaker 1: its owner. This time, as the clock runs out, everyone
Speaker 1: has their balloon back and something else is different too.
Speaker 1: Instead of looking harried and stressed, the students are smiling
Speaker 1: and laughing. The teacher explains that happiness is like those balloons.
Speaker 1: If we're only focused on our own happiness, we have
Speaker 1: a worse chance of actually locating it. But if we
Speaker 1: all share happiness wherever we can, we'll find our own
Speaker 1: as well. Now, there's nothing wrong with looking for your
Speaker 1: own happiness. That's normal, it's healthy, and after all, we
Speaker 1: don't want to let others and what they do or
Speaker 1: don't do, dictate the quality of our lives. But we
Speaker 1: can become so fixated on our search for contentment that
Speaker 1: we get anxious and stressed. We feel like trying to
Speaker 1: find joy is like looking for a needle in a haystack.
Speaker 1: In reality, happiness is all around us. It just might
Speaker 1: not be ours. Sometimes it's better to simply pick up
Speaker 1: someone else's balloon and hand it to them. The reality
Speaker 1: is that we are inter dependent, and while we shouldn't
Speaker 1: expect others to give us our balloons, we can trust
Speaker 1: that at some point our goodwill might come back around.
Speaker 1: We can also focus on the joy that giving joy
Speaker 1: gives you. In the words of father Richard Raw, the
Speaker 1: only way to hang on to joy is to share it.
Speaker 1: So what does it look like to hand someone there happiness?
Speaker 1: You've probably already done it without realizing. It can be
Speaker 1: as easy as telling someone how much you appreciate them
Speaker 1: or thanking them for a job well done. Simple gestures
Speaker 1: like these don't just brighten a person's day, they also
Speaker 1: generate shared joy. I know you know that it feels
Speaker 1: good to make someone smile, and if you remain present
Speaker 1: in that shared joy, it's a surefire way to boost
Speaker 1: your own happiness too. When it comes down to it,
Speaker 1: we do need to care for ourselves. But at the
Speaker 1: same time, we're all in it together figuring out this
Speaker 1: thing called life, and we should all hand out happiness
Speaker 1: when we can. And now, as our time today winds down,
Speaker 1: we can start to spread the love in our meditation.
Speaker 1: So get comfortable wherever you are, relaxing your body, easing tension.
Speaker 1: If you'd like, you can put one hand on your
Speaker 1: stomach to feel the rise and fall of your breath,
Speaker 1: the other hand on your chest to connect with your
Speaker 1: source of love and kindness. See if you can access
Speaker 1: any feelings of warmth, generosity, compassion, and let those feelings
Speaker 1: flow out of you and into the world. You can
Speaker 1: even bring to mind a loved one or a friend,
Speaker 1: someone who could use a little support or a pick
Speaker 1: me up, and send them your well wishes. May you
Speaker 1: be happy. And now let's open this up. Think about
Speaker 1: what you can do today to give someone else their balloon.
Speaker 1: How a might to uplift you as well. Big picture,
Speaker 1: can you consider other people's happiness alongside the search for
Speaker 1: your own. I wish you a beautiful day full of
Speaker 1: joy and light, and I can't wait to see you
Speaker 1: tomorrow