1 00:00:00,240 --> 00:00:03,200 Speaker 1: Welcome back to on Purpose. Today, I want to share 2 00:00:03,320 --> 00:00:07,000 Speaker 1: an amazing conversation I had with Caitlin Bristow on her 3 00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:10,799 Speaker 1: podcast Off the Vine about what does it mean to love? 4 00:00:11,280 --> 00:00:13,560 Speaker 1: We go into this topic deeply, as well as how 5 00:00:13,560 --> 00:00:16,760 Speaker 1: to attract the right person, how to put a stop 6 00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:22,160 Speaker 1: to unhealthy relationship patterns and toxic traits and triggers in 7 00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:25,479 Speaker 1: our relationships, and define what it actually means to be 8 00:00:25,520 --> 00:00:28,560 Speaker 1: in love for ourselves. I love this conversation. I feel 9 00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:31,080 Speaker 1: like we went super deep and I can't wait to 10 00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:40,320 Speaker 1: share this with you. Hey everyone, I'm so excited because 11 00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:43,320 Speaker 1: we're going to be adding a really special offering onto 12 00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:46,640 Speaker 1: the back of my solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily 13 00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:49,200 Speaker 1: Jay is a daily series on Calm and It's meant 14 00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:52,959 Speaker 1: to inspire you while outlining tools and techniques to live 15 00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:56,240 Speaker 1: a more mindful, stress free life. We dive into a 16 00:00:56,320 --> 00:00:59,280 Speaker 1: range of topics and the best part is each episode 17 00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:02,440 Speaker 1: is only seven minutes long, so you can incorporate it 18 00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:05,360 Speaker 1: into your schedule no matter how busy you are. As 19 00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:09,440 Speaker 1: a dedicated part of the on Purpose community, I wanted 20 00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:12,160 Speaker 1: to do something special for you this year, so I'll 21 00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:15,360 Speaker 1: be playing a hand picked Daily Jay during each of 22 00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:19,199 Speaker 1: my Friday podcasts. This week, we're talking about your relationships 23 00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:22,560 Speaker 1: and how to create the most meaningful connections with the 24 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:24,800 Speaker 1: people that matter to you. Of course, if you want 25 00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:27,560 Speaker 1: to listen to The Daily Jay every day, you can 26 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:30,760 Speaker 1: go subscribe to Calm. So go to Calm dot com 27 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:34,319 Speaker 1: forward slash j for forty percent off your membership. Today, 28 00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:35,000 Speaker 1: I'm excited. 29 00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:36,560 Speaker 2: We have a couple of meet all friends. 30 00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:40,000 Speaker 1: Do you know Penny Tho, Yes, of course, yeah, yeah, 31 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:42,200 Speaker 1: of course I do. Yeah, so Penny. 32 00:01:42,360 --> 00:01:46,280 Speaker 2: I used to live with Penny in Vancouver no way, Yes, 33 00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:49,680 Speaker 2: like seventeen years ago and her sister. I was in 34 00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:51,680 Speaker 2: her sister's wedding party. I was just with Penny in 35 00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:52,120 Speaker 2: New York. 36 00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:54,480 Speaker 1: That's amazing, Yeah, because she was. 37 00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:56,120 Speaker 2: Saying that you were just at one of the. 38 00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:58,600 Speaker 1: Races yeah Austin, Yeah, Austin. 39 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:01,640 Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely, those so fun, those races. 40 00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:05,200 Speaker 1: But she's so phenomenally talented as well. She's she's unbelievable. 41 00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:08,760 Speaker 2: She That's where I've literally gotten all my life advice 42 00:02:08,919 --> 00:02:11,760 Speaker 2: and business from her and amazing. 43 00:02:12,160 --> 00:02:12,359 Speaker 1: Yeah. 44 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:15,440 Speaker 2: Now you and I have your book right here, I'm 45 00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:18,960 Speaker 2: talking to you about it. That's eight Rules of Love 46 00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:22,360 Speaker 2: I'm so excited because I'd love like a book that 47 00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:25,480 Speaker 2: you can also take action with, which is so incredible, 48 00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:29,080 Speaker 2: And after reading this book, I'm curious your thoughts on 49 00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:30,000 Speaker 2: Valentine's Day. 50 00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:33,120 Speaker 1: That's that's a great question to start, and no one's 51 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:36,560 Speaker 1: asked me that yet. I think that a lot of 52 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:42,600 Speaker 1: these days across the calendar are invented as great ways 53 00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:48,000 Speaker 1: to present love and perform love. But to me, I 54 00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:51,400 Speaker 1: think sometimes they create a belief that we have to 55 00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:54,320 Speaker 1: wait for that day to show love, or we show 56 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:56,960 Speaker 1: love emphatically on that day, but then we forget the 57 00:02:57,000 --> 00:02:59,120 Speaker 1: rest of the days. And so I see them as 58 00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:01,919 Speaker 1: a wonderful room. I see them as a great way 59 00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:06,720 Speaker 1: of recognizing and celebrating something so special. But at the 60 00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:09,320 Speaker 1: same time, I think it puts so much pressure on people. 61 00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:11,720 Speaker 1: I think it makes people do things they would never 62 00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:14,760 Speaker 1: do for someone. I think people feel pressured to be 63 00:03:14,919 --> 00:03:17,480 Speaker 1: someone they're not or do something that doesn't feel right 64 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:21,080 Speaker 1: or likely for them to do. And so I think 65 00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:22,799 Speaker 1: we all have to make of it what we want 66 00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:24,800 Speaker 1: to make of it ourselves and not feel like we 67 00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:28,480 Speaker 1: have to buy into the society's definition of what Valentine's 68 00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:30,840 Speaker 1: Day should be. Or what the movies say you should 69 00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:33,360 Speaker 1: do on Valentine's Day, And so I think sometimes it 70 00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:38,360 Speaker 1: plays into that Hollywood romance of what love is meant 71 00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:40,839 Speaker 1: to be, and it takes us away from what love 72 00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:41,520 Speaker 1: actually is. 73 00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:44,920 Speaker 2: It's so true. Our perception is so skewed sometimes of 74 00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:48,280 Speaker 2: what love and what we think love is. And I mean, 75 00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:52,160 Speaker 2: whether that's social media or the movies, it's happened for 76 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:54,600 Speaker 2: so long. I can think of all the Disney movies 77 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:56,560 Speaker 2: or all the wrong coms I saw growing up, and 78 00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:59,320 Speaker 2: then you have this perception of what love is supposed 79 00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:01,200 Speaker 2: to be. But then you your parents love, and then 80 00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:03,440 Speaker 2: that's a different kind of love. And then you see 81 00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:05,680 Speaker 2: the love that you have and you're like, why does 82 00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:07,640 Speaker 2: this not feel like the magic that they show in 83 00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:10,560 Speaker 2: the movies. So you said that nobody really sits down 84 00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:13,720 Speaker 2: and teaches us how to love. The question that I 85 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:15,920 Speaker 2: had is, I'm like, how would someone even do that? 86 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:18,440 Speaker 2: Because we all feel loved so differently. Do you think 87 00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:20,719 Speaker 2: this is something we should be teaching as parents. 88 00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:24,400 Speaker 1: No, that's a great question. I don't think that we 89 00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:27,640 Speaker 1: can teach it like how we learned in school. But 90 00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:30,560 Speaker 1: I think there needs to be an element of what 91 00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:32,920 Speaker 1: to look out for, what to understand. I think it's 92 00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:36,279 Speaker 1: a beautiful thing for anyone to try and teach and learn. 93 00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:38,680 Speaker 1: I think a lot of the time we teach people 94 00:04:38,839 --> 00:04:41,640 Speaker 1: what to think about love and not how to think 95 00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:45,920 Speaker 1: about love. And so you wouldn't say love is xyz 96 00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:48,080 Speaker 1: and that's what it looks like and that's what you 97 00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:50,960 Speaker 1: should be looking for. I think that's unhealthy because it 98 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:53,560 Speaker 1: can mean different things to different people, as you rightly said. 99 00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:56,839 Speaker 1: But I think we should encourage people to say, well, 100 00:04:57,160 --> 00:05:00,080 Speaker 1: this is how love could make you feel, or this 101 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:02,560 Speaker 1: this is what love could look like, and this is 102 00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:05,040 Speaker 1: what healthy love looks like, and this is what toxic 103 00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:08,960 Speaker 1: relationships look like. I think having some wisdom and insight 104 00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:13,120 Speaker 1: around healthy and unhealthy relationships probably is going to set 105 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:16,800 Speaker 1: you up better than a random conversation about love with 106 00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:19,320 Speaker 1: so many different people in your family, as you were 107 00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:22,479 Speaker 1: rightly saying, right you look at your parents' relationship, you 108 00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:25,400 Speaker 1: see the relationship your friends have, you watch the movies 109 00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:27,640 Speaker 1: and TV shows, and then you kind of make your 110 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:30,720 Speaker 1: own version up. But none of that is based on 111 00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:35,240 Speaker 1: cues that are healthy or insightful or thoughtful. And so 112 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:38,080 Speaker 1: as much as I don't think we need like a 113 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:41,960 Speaker 1: course on love. I do think we need a course 114 00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:45,600 Speaker 1: on emotions and how to understand your own emotions, how 115 00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:49,000 Speaker 1: to understand other people's emotions. And so I find that 116 00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:52,320 Speaker 1: love may be too big for that. But emotions and 117 00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:57,640 Speaker 1: emotional regulation and emotional awareness, these are skills and tools 118 00:05:57,760 --> 00:06:00,440 Speaker 1: that would actually help you have better relationships. And that's 119 00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:02,719 Speaker 1: why in the book, even though it's the Eight Rules 120 00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:06,240 Speaker 1: of Love, the eight rules are about communication. They're about 121 00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:10,080 Speaker 1: debate and fighting, they're about connecting. They're about the things 122 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:11,120 Speaker 1: you can control. 123 00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:13,880 Speaker 2: Yeah, that's true. I guess that's a good point of 124 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:16,560 Speaker 2: talking about the things you can control. Where do you 125 00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:19,080 Speaker 2: think the culture around love, with the fairy tale endings 126 00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:21,520 Speaker 2: and the perfect match come from. Do you think that 127 00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:24,280 Speaker 2: does stem from like movies in Hollywood. 128 00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:26,839 Speaker 1: I think it comes from a few places. I think 129 00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:31,080 Speaker 1: there's a deep part of us that wants to believe 130 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:35,600 Speaker 1: and wants to yearn for this perfect love. And I 131 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:39,600 Speaker 1: think that that's true and fair and good. I think 132 00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:42,800 Speaker 1: the challenge is that the image that's been created of 133 00:06:42,839 --> 00:06:46,600 Speaker 1: perfect love is what's unhealthy. So it's not the idea 134 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:50,039 Speaker 1: of perfect love that's unhealthy. It's the idea of a 135 00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:53,359 Speaker 1: perfect love in this way that sends us on the 136 00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:56,960 Speaker 1: wrong path. I think that when you look at movies, 137 00:06:57,839 --> 00:07:00,000 Speaker 1: we all know that they show you everything up until 138 00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:02,800 Speaker 1: people move in together, or if they show you people 139 00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:05,320 Speaker 1: moving in together, they fight and then make up over 140 00:07:05,360 --> 00:07:08,680 Speaker 1: something fairly superficial. Or you look at couples who do 141 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,960 Speaker 1: the same things on the date night in the movies, 142 00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:14,000 Speaker 1: or the anniversary parties and the events. And so I 143 00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:17,520 Speaker 1: do feel that media has played a massive role even today. 144 00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:20,200 Speaker 1: And I give this story in the book of my 145 00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:24,280 Speaker 1: own proposal, and when I proposed to my wife, I 146 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:26,280 Speaker 1: did it. I mean, I'll cut the long story short. 147 00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:28,000 Speaker 1: Everyone can read the book for the full version. But 148 00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:31,800 Speaker 1: in the book I talk about how I did the 149 00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:35,880 Speaker 1: full a cappella song, singing Bruno Mars, will you marry Me? 150 00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,440 Speaker 1: I did, obviously, I got down on one knee. I 151 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:41,960 Speaker 1: had a horse drawne carriage through London. And it's like 152 00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:45,200 Speaker 1: I got all those ideas from social media. I did 153 00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:47,320 Speaker 1: not get them from my wife. I did not get 154 00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:50,080 Speaker 1: them from my heart. I did not get them from 155 00:07:50,440 --> 00:07:52,720 Speaker 1: what I thought was love. I got them from social 156 00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:55,040 Speaker 1: media and TV. And so I think a lot of 157 00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:58,480 Speaker 1: the ideas we have do come from media, and I 158 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:01,400 Speaker 1: think there has to be a filtering process to say, 159 00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:04,240 Speaker 1: wait a minute, is this what my partner wants? Is 160 00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:06,480 Speaker 1: this what I want? Is this what love looks like 161 00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:09,480 Speaker 1: to the person I love? Or is it just something 162 00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:12,760 Speaker 1: that I've adopted because I watched the show or a movie. 163 00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:16,000 Speaker 2: That's why your book is going to be so incredible 164 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:18,120 Speaker 2: for so many people. And I love that it's written 165 00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:20,680 Speaker 2: for all stages of love. So whether you're looking for 166 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:23,440 Speaker 2: the right person or you found the right person and 167 00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:26,520 Speaker 2: you want to keep them. But love is really confusing, 168 00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:28,800 Speaker 2: and I'm sure it is because of you know, all 169 00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:31,440 Speaker 2: the things we see or we compare, we don't know. 170 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:34,160 Speaker 2: But how do you know when it is the right person? 171 00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:37,280 Speaker 2: Do you really believe that there is that feeling where 172 00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:39,640 Speaker 2: you're like when you know you know, or like, how 173 00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:41,199 Speaker 2: do you do it's the right person? Because we all 174 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:43,680 Speaker 2: seem to want to, you know, if there's a fight 175 00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:45,400 Speaker 2: or an argument, or they don't treat you right, and 176 00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:47,160 Speaker 2: you're like, I could easily give up, So how do 177 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:48,280 Speaker 2: you know it's the right person? 178 00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:52,600 Speaker 1: Yeah? I feel that the idea that you know when 179 00:08:52,679 --> 00:08:56,679 Speaker 1: you know, that's beautiful. If you've experienced that, and I 180 00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:59,520 Speaker 1: love that for you, But that can't be our best 181 00:08:59,559 --> 00:09:02,560 Speaker 1: advice on love because what that says to someone is 182 00:09:02,559 --> 00:09:05,640 Speaker 1: you might have to meet eight billion people to decide 183 00:09:05,679 --> 00:09:08,120 Speaker 1: whether you've met the one, Because what if you don't 184 00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:12,080 Speaker 1: know after twenty thirty two hundred, three hundred people that 185 00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:15,000 Speaker 1: you've dated or met. And so the way I like 186 00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:16,920 Speaker 1: to look at it is I break it down into 187 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:20,440 Speaker 1: three simple things. You know you're in love when these 188 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:24,080 Speaker 1: three things happen. You like their personality and they like yours. 189 00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:29,400 Speaker 1: You respect their values and they respect yours. And you're 190 00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:33,120 Speaker 1: committed to helping them towards their goals, and they're committed 191 00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:36,520 Speaker 1: to you helping you towards your goals. And I find 192 00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:38,480 Speaker 1: that that really simplifies it. I had someone the other 193 00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:40,440 Speaker 1: day who told me that they were about to get married, 194 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:43,280 Speaker 1: and they said, Jay, what's your best advice? And I 195 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:45,960 Speaker 1: asked them these questions. I said, do you know what 196 00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:48,640 Speaker 1: their values are? Tell me your partner's top three values 197 00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:52,520 Speaker 1: right now? And they said some really broad things like 198 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:56,719 Speaker 1: kind and family, And I was like, okay, but what 199 00:09:57,280 --> 00:10:00,200 Speaker 1: do they really value inside of their family? And they 200 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,920 Speaker 1: were struggling, and then I said, what are your partner's 201 00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:05,440 Speaker 1: top three goals over the next top three in the 202 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:08,320 Speaker 1: next three years, And they didn't know. And I started 203 00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:11,480 Speaker 1: to realize that it's not about whether you know they're 204 00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:14,200 Speaker 1: the one. It's actually more about how much you know 205 00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:17,679 Speaker 1: about them. And I think that's what we need to 206 00:10:17,760 --> 00:10:20,600 Speaker 1: understand more, like, do you know how they respond to stress? 207 00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:23,680 Speaker 1: Do you know how they respond to fatigue? Do you 208 00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:27,280 Speaker 1: know when they're happy? Do you understand how they deal 209 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:30,960 Speaker 1: with sadness and disappointment? If you know all those things 210 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:36,079 Speaker 1: and you can still appreciate respect and love someone that's 211 00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:39,120 Speaker 1: love love. Isn't this idea of I just feel great 212 00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:41,920 Speaker 1: around them, but I actually don't know much about them. 213 00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:44,920 Speaker 1: Because that can feel good for six months to twelve months, 214 00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:47,720 Speaker 1: but when you start looking at a long term relationship, 215 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:48,880 Speaker 1: that's what lets you down. 216 00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:51,880 Speaker 2: Yeah, because a lot of people, and I'll get to this, 217 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:55,280 Speaker 2: a lot of people feel like they just don't want 218 00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:58,800 Speaker 2: to be alone. Feeling lonely is worse than you know, 219 00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:01,400 Speaker 2: being in a relationship. And you can get through it 220 00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:03,800 Speaker 2: after you know, six months, Oh it's fine, it's fine, 221 00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:05,440 Speaker 2: And then a year happens and you're like, oh wait, 222 00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:07,640 Speaker 2: I can't deal with this, but at the time you're like, 223 00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:11,480 Speaker 2: that's better than being lonely. You point out that will 224 00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:14,440 Speaker 2: I Ever Find Love is the most popular search engine 225 00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:17,160 Speaker 2: question that people ask. Why do you think that is? 226 00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:22,520 Speaker 2: Why are we so worried about being alone and finding somebody? 227 00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:27,360 Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, So if you google will I ever, Google 228 00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:30,920 Speaker 1: says the rest of the sentences find love, And if 229 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:33,000 Speaker 1: you say will I ever, it will say get married. 230 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,559 Speaker 1: So that's in the top three or top five as well. 231 00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:38,400 Speaker 1: And then the next one is will I am net worth? 232 00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:42,080 Speaker 1: Because people seem to be really fascinated by will I 233 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:45,840 Speaker 1: AM's net worth? And his networth is seventy million according 234 00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:48,600 Speaker 1: to Google for anyone who's anyone who's googling it right now. 235 00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:51,559 Speaker 1: But going back to the topic and everyone can check 236 00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:54,760 Speaker 1: there will I ever? Afterwards. I think it's something that 237 00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:57,360 Speaker 1: scares us about the future. I think we're scared of 238 00:11:57,400 --> 00:12:01,240 Speaker 1: being alone now, but we're more scared of being alone 239 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:04,320 Speaker 1: in the future. That's why the question is will I 240 00:12:04,559 --> 00:12:08,000 Speaker 1: ever Find love? Because I think we're scared about the 241 00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:12,000 Speaker 1: idea of growing old alone, of going through life alone, 242 00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:14,360 Speaker 1: of seeing everyone in our life with someone else, but 243 00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:18,520 Speaker 1: us not having that other person, and those are all 244 00:12:18,679 --> 00:12:23,040 Speaker 1: very valid emotions and very valid fears. But I think 245 00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:26,160 Speaker 1: at the same time we have to realize that when 246 00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:30,679 Speaker 1: you're feeling alone, when you're fearing being by yourself, you 247 00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:34,160 Speaker 1: don't make good decisions. Research shows that if you get 248 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:37,680 Speaker 1: into a relationship because you feel alone, you're more likely 249 00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:41,480 Speaker 1: to settle for less than you deserve, You're more likely 250 00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:46,160 Speaker 1: to be dependent on that person, and you're less likely 251 00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:48,360 Speaker 1: going to be able to break up even if it's 252 00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:50,760 Speaker 1: not working out. And so when you get into a 253 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:54,200 Speaker 1: relationship because you're scared of being alone, you actually choose 254 00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:57,760 Speaker 1: someone who's not even what you want from a relationship. 255 00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:01,600 Speaker 1: But you feel safer in a false way, and you 256 00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:04,800 Speaker 1: feel secure in a false way, and you know that 257 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:07,840 Speaker 1: deep down, which scares you even more, and so your 258 00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:11,080 Speaker 1: fear actually becomes worse. But again, you know, Kate. Then 259 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:13,320 Speaker 1: it comes from the idea that when we were young, 260 00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:17,959 Speaker 1: if you had lunch on your own, you were considered 261 00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:24,360 Speaker 1: the weirdo. If you went to exactly exactly exactly from 262 00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:25,120 Speaker 1: Super Bad. 263 00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:27,120 Speaker 2: Right, Yeah, I love that you brought. 264 00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:31,640 Speaker 1: Us exactly exactly. And if you had a birthday party 265 00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:34,160 Speaker 1: and no one showed up, or a few people showed up, 266 00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:36,400 Speaker 1: you were the loner. Hey. By the way, when you're 267 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:38,720 Speaker 1: thirty years old and over, if you get five of 268 00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:41,360 Speaker 1: your best friends to show up, you're really happy about that. 269 00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:43,840 Speaker 1: You take pride in that. And then you know, when 270 00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:45,920 Speaker 1: you went to a wedding as a plus and you 271 00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:49,000 Speaker 1: didn't have a plus one, people would be like, oh, 272 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:52,240 Speaker 1: poor you, like sad for you. So we've kind of 273 00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:56,440 Speaker 1: made it feel awkward to be alone, and so now 274 00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:59,800 Speaker 1: we carry that. But we'd rather be with anyone than 275 00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:01,679 Speaker 1: be alone. And that's the challenge. 276 00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:05,640 Speaker 2: Yeah, how can being alone actually help you attract the 277 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:06,280 Speaker 2: right person? 278 00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:10,120 Speaker 1: So I think we all start alone, and that's part 279 00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:13,240 Speaker 1: of the puzzle that you know, we start alone, and 280 00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:17,160 Speaker 1: being alone in and of itself will not help you 281 00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:19,760 Speaker 1: attract the right person. Like just being single or just 282 00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:22,000 Speaker 1: being alone doesn't do the work. But I think your 283 00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:24,720 Speaker 1: question is what can you do when you're alone to 284 00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:27,720 Speaker 1: attract the right person. I think the first thing is 285 00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:32,760 Speaker 1: you need to do something hard and challenging by yourself. 286 00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:36,280 Speaker 1: You could take on a new workout class, you could 287 00:14:36,280 --> 00:14:39,360 Speaker 1: take on a new health habit, you could take on 288 00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:41,400 Speaker 1: I mean, what you're going off to do. You're going 289 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:44,880 Speaker 1: off to do an incredible retreat over the next few days, 290 00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:48,120 Speaker 1: you're taking on something challenging. When you take on something 291 00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:51,120 Speaker 1: challenging when you're alone, or when you're single, or when 292 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:55,680 Speaker 1: you're by yourself, you gain the strength and courage to 293 00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:59,000 Speaker 1: understand what you have inside of you. Now, when you 294 00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:01,640 Speaker 1: get into a relationship, you realize you're bringing so much 295 00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:05,280 Speaker 1: to the table. You realize that I'm a confident, complete, 296 00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:08,600 Speaker 1: whole individual. You stop thinking like, oh, I hope I 297 00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:11,840 Speaker 1: find my better half or I hope I find someone 298 00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:15,720 Speaker 1: that completes me, and you start recognizing, well, actually, I 299 00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:18,480 Speaker 1: have a lot to offer someone because I can do 300 00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:22,880 Speaker 1: hard things by myself. I have done challenging things by myself, 301 00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:24,560 Speaker 1: and so that would be the first thing I'd say 302 00:15:24,560 --> 00:15:27,280 Speaker 1: when you're alone. The second thing I'd say is you 303 00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:31,200 Speaker 1: actually at time to understand and learn about yourself. I 304 00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:34,040 Speaker 1: think when you don't do that alone, you just sign 305 00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:36,960 Speaker 1: up and subscribe to what everyone else likes. If your 306 00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:39,320 Speaker 1: partner likes a certain type of food, now you like it. 307 00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:42,120 Speaker 1: If they like a certain type of entertainment, you like it. 308 00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:45,120 Speaker 1: And then ten twenty years down the line, you realize 309 00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:47,920 Speaker 1: you've lost who you are because you just followed what 310 00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:50,040 Speaker 1: they wanted to do. And I think a lot of 311 00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:52,880 Speaker 1: people end up feeling like they lost themselves, but the 312 00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:55,440 Speaker 1: truth is they never found themselves in the first place. 313 00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:59,960 Speaker 1: So when you find yourself in solitude, you don't lose 314 00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:01,560 Speaker 1: yourself in a relationship. 315 00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:05,240 Speaker 2: That is such a good point. People are probably like, Caitlyn, 316 00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:08,040 Speaker 2: shut up about your ex relationship that we've heard about 317 00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:10,440 Speaker 2: thirty million times, But I always related back to certain 318 00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:13,160 Speaker 2: things where I completely lost myself in this relationship. But 319 00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:15,840 Speaker 2: when you say that, it's not even that you lost yourself, 320 00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:17,560 Speaker 2: it's you didn't find yourself in the first place. That 321 00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:21,400 Speaker 2: is so true. I completely found myself, you know, close 322 00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:23,040 Speaker 2: to the age of thirty, and I was in all 323 00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:27,040 Speaker 2: these relationships losing myself quote unquote to all these people 324 00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:29,680 Speaker 2: when really I just hadn't found out who I really 325 00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:33,360 Speaker 2: truly was. And I'm still figuring that out. But it's 326 00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:36,840 Speaker 2: it's just it's such an fascinating topic, and I wanted 327 00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:40,320 Speaker 2: to ask you the difference between loneliness and solitude for 328 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:41,000 Speaker 2: those listening. 329 00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:44,840 Speaker 1: Yeah, So, I love this beautiful statement from Paul Tillich 330 00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:48,840 Speaker 1: where he talks about the fact that the English language 331 00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:52,040 Speaker 1: has two words for being alone, but we only use 332 00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:55,560 Speaker 1: one of them. We only use loneliness. And loneliness is 333 00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:59,240 Speaker 1: the weakness of being alone, but solitude is the strength 334 00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:02,200 Speaker 1: or as he he says, the glory of being alone. 335 00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:04,520 Speaker 1: And it's really interesting that in our language we always 336 00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:07,600 Speaker 1: say I'm alone, I'm single. We don't say I'm in solitude, right, 337 00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:10,639 Speaker 1: we don't actually use that word because we see it 338 00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:13,439 Speaker 1: as a weakness. And if you see being alone as 339 00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:16,240 Speaker 1: a weakness and you see a relationship as a strength, 340 00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:19,359 Speaker 1: that means you're weak by yourself and you're only strong 341 00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:22,359 Speaker 1: with this person. Now, if you're only strong with this person, 342 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:26,360 Speaker 1: when that person leaves or something goes wrong or there's 343 00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:29,399 Speaker 1: a challenge, you go back to feeling weak again. And 344 00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:32,919 Speaker 1: so your strength can't be found only in a relationship. 345 00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:36,440 Speaker 1: Your strength is found by yourself, through yourself, and when 346 00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:39,719 Speaker 1: you're strong, when you're powerful, when you're courageous, then when 347 00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:43,880 Speaker 1: you get into a relationship you can build more strength together. Right. 348 00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:46,840 Speaker 1: If you've got a broken home and you only find 349 00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:51,920 Speaker 1: a complete home with someone else, you feel broken continuously. 350 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,920 Speaker 1: And that's when we have these ideas of like, oh 351 00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,840 Speaker 1: they're out of my league, I'm not good enough for them, 352 00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:00,240 Speaker 1: or maybe I've got to do something to impress them 353 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:03,520 Speaker 1: because you walked into the relationship feeling that they were 354 00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:06,360 Speaker 1: better than you, because they made you whole. And so 355 00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:10,520 Speaker 1: that never stops, like that continues even in the relationship 356 00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:12,679 Speaker 1: of I have to earn their respect, or I have 357 00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:15,400 Speaker 1: to impress them, or I have to keep them excited 358 00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:19,160 Speaker 1: and interested. And if that's done from a place of love, 359 00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:21,320 Speaker 1: that's beautiful. But if it's done from a place of 360 00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:25,639 Speaker 1: fear and insecurity, and that's the thing. Sometimes love and 361 00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:28,000 Speaker 1: fear can look like the same thing. You're trying to 362 00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:30,840 Speaker 1: make someone happy, you're trying to make someone feel good, 363 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,920 Speaker 1: you're trying to help someone, But are you doing it 364 00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:36,800 Speaker 1: from a place of fear and insecurity because they might leave, 365 00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:39,480 Speaker 1: or are you doing it from a place of you 366 00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:42,119 Speaker 1: deeply respect and admire this person? Yeah? 367 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:44,960 Speaker 2: Wow, God, I wish I could have you for like 368 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:48,760 Speaker 2: eight hours on this podcast. It's just so good. I mean, 369 00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:52,239 Speaker 2: this is just such It's like it probably feels very 370 00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:53,879 Speaker 2: simple to you, but it's so profound to me. 371 00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:57,040 Speaker 1: And no it doesn't. You're You're inspiring, Kaitlyn. I have 372 00:18:57,119 --> 00:18:59,640 Speaker 1: to tell you, like you've asked me some questions, then 373 00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:03,119 Speaker 1: it must me your energy because I've said things to 374 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:07,200 Speaker 1: you today that have not said before. And yeah, and 375 00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:10,560 Speaker 1: whenever I do that, and I'm very aware of that 376 00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:15,440 Speaker 1: because A I try to be fully present and energetically 377 00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:18,880 Speaker 1: present whenever I'm doing anything, and often I find when 378 00:19:18,880 --> 00:19:22,159 Speaker 1: you're talking about a book or your you're meeting and 379 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:24,639 Speaker 1: doing lots of podcasts or interviews or whatever it may be, 380 00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:27,359 Speaker 1: I try really hard to not repeat myself, but I 381 00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:31,200 Speaker 1: find that when the host, especially today, I'm feeling that 382 00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:33,560 Speaker 1: with you, I feel you're so present and these are 383 00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:37,639 Speaker 1: such real questions that I feel I'm being inspired energetically 384 00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:39,479 Speaker 1: to give answers that I've not given before. So i 385 00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:42,399 Speaker 1: just want to say share that because I'm honestly everything 386 00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:44,280 Speaker 1: that is coming out of my mouth, I'm like, I'm 387 00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:45,760 Speaker 1: going to tell my team, I'm like, guys, we need 388 00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:47,919 Speaker 1: to write that down because I haven't said that before. 389 00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:52,040 Speaker 1: So I really appreciate. Yeah, you're you're inspiring that, and 390 00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:53,679 Speaker 1: I want you to know that's that's your energy as 391 00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:54,080 Speaker 1: a host. 392 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:57,080 Speaker 2: Wow, that is the most flattering thing anyone's ever said 393 00:19:57,119 --> 00:19:59,480 Speaker 2: to me. But it's it's, you know, funny, as I've 394 00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:02,159 Speaker 2: this is such a great job of mine to interview 395 00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:04,879 Speaker 2: people that inspire me. And I went to my energy 396 00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:07,360 Speaker 2: healer this morning and he even told me the same thing. 397 00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:09,760 Speaker 2: He was like, I'm really impressed by your energy and 398 00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:12,240 Speaker 2: I was like what. So then hearing you say it today, 399 00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:15,080 Speaker 2: I'm like, Okay, I feel like I'm on the right path. 400 00:20:15,119 --> 00:20:17,680 Speaker 2: I'm going to Hoffman tomorrow. Everything was lining up. This 401 00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:20,119 Speaker 2: is this is so great. So thank you for sharing 402 00:20:20,119 --> 00:20:22,520 Speaker 2: that with me also, because that's extremely flattering. 403 00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:25,000 Speaker 1: No, well, I'm going to add also that I can 404 00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:26,800 Speaker 1: vouch for it for all your audience because you won't 405 00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:29,240 Speaker 1: tell them this. So I was extremely late today for 406 00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:31,919 Speaker 1: this interview because I was running late from other interviews 407 00:20:32,359 --> 00:20:34,280 Speaker 1: and my team was in touch with Kaitlin and I 408 00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:37,399 Speaker 1: was dming her as well, frantically going, Kaitlyn, I'm really sorry. 409 00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:41,160 Speaker 1: And I turned up today and Kaitlyn and her team 410 00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:44,560 Speaker 1: received me as if I turned up early, like that's 411 00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:47,440 Speaker 1: how much love I felt and how much kindness I felt. 412 00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:49,320 Speaker 1: And I was like, this is a human who's like 413 00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:52,840 Speaker 1: living in that space, so she wouldn't have told you that. 414 00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:55,159 Speaker 1: That's why I'm telling you all of that. And Kaitlyn, 415 00:20:55,359 --> 00:20:57,080 Speaker 1: I really appreciate that too, so thank you. 416 00:20:57,200 --> 00:21:00,919 Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, that's amazing. I won't too much more 417 00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:03,199 Speaker 2: of your time. I do have some more questions please. 418 00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:05,399 Speaker 2: People are so excited by the way that you're on 419 00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:07,320 Speaker 2: this podcast today. I got so many DMS when I 420 00:21:07,359 --> 00:21:08,760 Speaker 2: said that I was talking to you, so. 421 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:11,080 Speaker 1: Ask everything, ask away. I want to make sure I 422 00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:12,000 Speaker 1: answer all your questions. 423 00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:13,960 Speaker 2: I'm going to and you know what, I have been 424 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:15,760 Speaker 2: going through your book and I can't wait because I 425 00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:18,360 Speaker 2: have such a long flight tomorrow. And I mean, it's 426 00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:21,760 Speaker 2: just incredible. You're the way you speak, the way you 427 00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:24,639 Speaker 2: write everything. I mean, some people are born with it, maybe, 428 00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:27,160 Speaker 2: but you have obviously gone through phases in your life 429 00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:29,520 Speaker 2: or things in your life that have gotten you to 430 00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:31,600 Speaker 2: where you are today. And I know you what were 431 00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:33,640 Speaker 2: you three years? Three years as a monk? 432 00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:35,840 Speaker 1: Yes, that's right, three years. 433 00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:38,719 Speaker 2: Yes, well, I can't even like to me, I mean, 434 00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:41,080 Speaker 2: I did Bachelor. This is obviously not the same I'm 435 00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:43,720 Speaker 2: saying I did Bachelor. I did not have a phone, 436 00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:45,879 Speaker 2: is what I'm getting at. I didn't have a phone 437 00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:49,240 Speaker 2: or TV or anything. And I was like, I'm so isolated. 438 00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:53,360 Speaker 2: And then for Hoffmann, I'm actually excited to be alone, 439 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:56,720 Speaker 2: not have a phone, get uncomfortable, and and I just 440 00:21:56,760 --> 00:22:00,800 Speaker 2: feel like I can't even imagine how three years you 441 00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:04,560 Speaker 2: probably at first maybe it was uncomfortable, and then did 442 00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:07,720 Speaker 2: you just surrender to the process or did you fall 443 00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:09,959 Speaker 2: in love with the silence? How was that for you? 444 00:22:11,119 --> 00:22:13,040 Speaker 1: Yeah? Well, I think I went into it with the 445 00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:16,119 Speaker 1: mindset you're going into Huffman, which was I'm going to 446 00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:20,480 Speaker 1: apply myself fully to this process. I'm really excited about it, 447 00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:24,359 Speaker 1: and I'm going to follow it the way it's being taught, 448 00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:27,359 Speaker 1: because then I'll actually get the reward. Yeah. Right, If 449 00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:30,399 Speaker 1: I start cutting corners or if I start trying to 450 00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:33,119 Speaker 1: make it more comfortable, then I'm not getting anything. Now. 451 00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:38,760 Speaker 1: The first month, my mind was going crazy because when 452 00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:43,919 Speaker 1: you go silent externally, your internal dialogue eats you alive, 453 00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:47,640 Speaker 1: and so your mind is just frantic. It's stressed, it's 454 00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:51,760 Speaker 1: putting pressure on you, it's asking questions, it's demanding things 455 00:22:51,760 --> 00:22:54,199 Speaker 1: of you. And you find that as you tolerate that 456 00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:57,520 Speaker 1: and as you listen to that, it gets quieter. But 457 00:22:57,640 --> 00:23:01,760 Speaker 1: then what ends up happening is you start asking deeper questions, 458 00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:06,879 Speaker 1: and more thoughtful questions come up, and you start going 459 00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:11,040 Speaker 1: through some uncomfortable uncoverings and revelations where you're looking at 460 00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:15,720 Speaker 1: dark sides or mistakes or regrets and you start excavating 461 00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:19,000 Speaker 1: and that's tough, but it's glorious on the other side. 462 00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:21,520 Speaker 1: And then the third thing that happened after all of 463 00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:25,399 Speaker 1: that was a sense of comfort in discomfort, that the 464 00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:29,560 Speaker 1: idea that doing uncomfortable things became more natural. And I 465 00:23:29,600 --> 00:23:31,600 Speaker 1: realized that this applies to anything, whether you're going to 466 00:23:31,600 --> 00:23:34,040 Speaker 1: go and sit in a cold plunge, whether you're going 467 00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:37,439 Speaker 1: to meditate, whether you're going to huffman, whether you go 468 00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:39,760 Speaker 1: off and become a monk. The point is that we 469 00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:45,639 Speaker 1: have to get comfortable with uncomfortable situations because life is 470 00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:49,480 Speaker 1: full of uncertainty and discomfort. And so I think that's 471 00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:53,560 Speaker 1: really what I would say made all the difference. That 472 00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:55,480 Speaker 1: it's not that I found it easy. It's not that 473 00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:58,879 Speaker 1: it was natural for me. It's not that I'm this 474 00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:01,600 Speaker 1: special human being could make this. That was not it 475 00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:03,760 Speaker 1: was easy, it was naturally it was. It was tough. 476 00:24:03,800 --> 00:24:06,560 Speaker 1: It's difficult. It's still tough today. I don't think it 477 00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:10,080 Speaker 1: ever stopped, but I think you get more conscious and 478 00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:13,080 Speaker 1: more skilled at being able to take on the challenge. 479 00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:16,119 Speaker 2: Let's talk about discomfort for a minute. How do we 480 00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:19,399 Speaker 2: know when to break up from a tough relationship or 481 00:24:19,560 --> 00:24:22,280 Speaker 2: push through to make it special? Because I guess I 482 00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:25,560 Speaker 2: want to know, like, is fighting and arguing bad and 483 00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:27,640 Speaker 2: when do we know that that's when we should leave 484 00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:30,240 Speaker 2: or if it's like, well, we committed to each other 485 00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:33,520 Speaker 2: and we need to get through this, and that's what 486 00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:34,840 Speaker 2: makes a relationship special. 487 00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:37,919 Speaker 1: Yeah, I think there's a difference between we need to 488 00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:40,560 Speaker 1: get through this and we want to get through this. 489 00:24:41,119 --> 00:24:44,520 Speaker 1: So our relationship that lasts is that there's enthusiasm and 490 00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:47,440 Speaker 1: energy to say, look, it's a tough time, but we're 491 00:24:47,480 --> 00:24:49,720 Speaker 1: both going to figure it out. Right, We're both going 492 00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:51,760 Speaker 1: to grow, we're both going to change, we're both going 493 00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:54,840 Speaker 1: to learn, and there's this collective thing. And what I 494 00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:58,400 Speaker 1: find in relationships that often end or when one person 495 00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:01,959 Speaker 1: wants to work on the relationationship and the other person doesn't. 496 00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:06,320 Speaker 1: So it's never when both people are excited and enthused 497 00:25:06,359 --> 00:25:09,359 Speaker 1: and focused on building the relationship. I think another thing 498 00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:11,320 Speaker 1: I'd like to say is that when it comes to 499 00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:18,879 Speaker 1: arguments and fighting, if it's manipulative, toxic, abusive, emotionally manipulative. 500 00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:23,159 Speaker 1: That's not the kind of fighting or discussion or debate 501 00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:26,119 Speaker 1: that I encourage in the book. What I'm talking about 502 00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:30,240 Speaker 1: is that every couple argues to some degree, but knowing 503 00:25:30,359 --> 00:25:34,480 Speaker 1: how to argue better is a really healthy skill, and 504 00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:37,399 Speaker 1: some agreements are really good. Like so, for example, my 505 00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:39,680 Speaker 1: wife and I have some agreements. One is that we'll 506 00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:41,879 Speaker 1: never raise our voice at each other. We can be 507 00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:44,200 Speaker 1: angry and upset, but that doesn't mean we need to shout. 508 00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:46,960 Speaker 1: We can express it, but it doesn't need to be 509 00:25:47,119 --> 00:25:49,520 Speaker 1: really really loud. Second thing is we don't swear at 510 00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:52,080 Speaker 1: each other. We don't want to use that language with 511 00:25:52,200 --> 00:25:55,280 Speaker 1: each other. The third thing is we don't throw around 512 00:25:55,320 --> 00:25:57,639 Speaker 1: the word divorce or I'm going to leave you or 513 00:25:57,640 --> 00:26:00,760 Speaker 1: break up. It's not something that you get to you 514 00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:04,280 Speaker 1: every time things get tough or there's something challenging. And 515 00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:06,600 Speaker 1: so these are just some basic agreements. But I think 516 00:26:06,720 --> 00:26:10,160 Speaker 1: having healthy agreements of how do we deal with conflict, 517 00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:12,439 Speaker 1: how do we deal with when one of us is 518 00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:15,919 Speaker 1: going through a really tough time personally, I think having 519 00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:19,959 Speaker 1: those boundaries and agreements and rules is a really healthy 520 00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:24,440 Speaker 1: way to form a relationship and ultimately a relationship that's 521 00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:28,320 Speaker 1: going to last is because you both are willing to 522 00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:30,560 Speaker 1: put in the work. That's what it comes down to. 523 00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:32,880 Speaker 1: And if there's only one of you willing to put 524 00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:36,760 Speaker 1: in the work, that's you dragging the relationship forward. And 525 00:26:36,840 --> 00:26:39,320 Speaker 1: that's a decision you have to make personally whether you 526 00:26:39,359 --> 00:26:41,400 Speaker 1: want to be that person. Yeah. 527 00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:43,640 Speaker 2: I feel like sometimes when we do that, we're all 528 00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:46,600 Speaker 2: just you know, if we cross a boundary or we 529 00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:50,119 Speaker 2: let the boundary go, and then it's like, how do 530 00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:53,119 Speaker 2: you come back from that? How do we how do 531 00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:55,959 Speaker 2: we stop ourselves from making the same mistakes over and 532 00:26:56,040 --> 00:26:58,800 Speaker 2: over again, which a lot of people do in relationships. 533 00:26:59,080 --> 00:27:01,840 Speaker 1: I think the way you drop yourself from making mistakes 534 00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:06,280 Speaker 1: over and over again is you journal and write down 535 00:27:06,359 --> 00:27:09,280 Speaker 1: how you feel in the moment. See. The challenging thing 536 00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:12,800 Speaker 1: is that we forget when things get good, and we 537 00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:16,760 Speaker 1: remember when things go bad, and so your memory only 538 00:27:16,880 --> 00:27:19,480 Speaker 1: kicks in when everything's going wrong and you're like, oh 539 00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:22,080 Speaker 1: my gosh, I should have seen those three red flags. 540 00:27:22,280 --> 00:27:24,600 Speaker 1: But then when things got good, you went, oh, no, 541 00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:27,600 Speaker 1: they've changed. Everything's okay now. And that's why I always 542 00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:31,600 Speaker 1: say to people, make a mental and physical record, a 543 00:27:31,760 --> 00:27:35,200 Speaker 1: journal of exactly how you feel. When things are bad 544 00:27:35,600 --> 00:27:38,119 Speaker 1: and exactly how you feel when things are good, and 545 00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:40,200 Speaker 1: when you keep that record, now when it happens again, 546 00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:41,840 Speaker 1: you're like, oh, wait a minute, let me not be 547 00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:47,239 Speaker 1: fooled by the momentary happiness and joy, because really, what 548 00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:49,959 Speaker 1: I'm experiencing is this, And I think what we do 549 00:27:50,080 --> 00:27:52,919 Speaker 1: is we kind of have this yo yo pendulum oscillating 550 00:27:52,920 --> 00:27:55,479 Speaker 1: effect of like the good times are really good, but 551 00:27:55,520 --> 00:27:58,240 Speaker 1: the bad times are really bad. And I think that 552 00:27:58,240 --> 00:28:01,080 Speaker 1: that's the unhealthy part. That you don't want to swing 553 00:28:01,200 --> 00:28:04,080 Speaker 1: back and forth. It's actually better to be like, hey, 554 00:28:04,119 --> 00:28:05,640 Speaker 1: we have some tough terms that we deal with them, 555 00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:07,840 Speaker 1: and we have some great terms and they're awesome, but 556 00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:10,080 Speaker 1: you just don't want that to get so wide and 557 00:28:10,119 --> 00:28:13,439 Speaker 1: so extreme that you're literally swinging from one side to 558 00:28:13,480 --> 00:28:13,800 Speaker 1: the other. 559 00:28:14,640 --> 00:28:18,280 Speaker 2: Right, And we'll talk about arguments for a minute. I 560 00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:21,320 Speaker 2: know you say that people have different fight styles the vendor, 561 00:28:21,520 --> 00:28:25,399 Speaker 2: the hyder, the exploder, and none of them are technically bad, 562 00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:28,399 Speaker 2: But at what point do you think you should be 563 00:28:28,440 --> 00:28:30,879 Speaker 2: concerned about the way you're fighting with your partner? Like 564 00:28:31,440 --> 00:28:34,359 Speaker 2: maybe not the word fighting, but arguing is healthy. Like 565 00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:38,040 Speaker 2: at what point, again, you'd probably saying, like if it's manipulative, 566 00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:40,280 Speaker 2: that's probably yeah. 567 00:28:40,360 --> 00:28:44,240 Speaker 1: So I would say that two people in any relationship 568 00:28:44,320 --> 00:28:49,000 Speaker 1: are going to have challenges and problems, and you're going 569 00:28:49,040 --> 00:28:52,760 Speaker 1: to have to have uncomfortable conversations. Sometimes we avoid fights 570 00:28:53,360 --> 00:28:56,320 Speaker 1: by suppressing how we really feel, and so we say 571 00:28:56,320 --> 00:28:58,760 Speaker 1: to everyone we never fight, we never argue, and we 572 00:28:58,760 --> 00:29:01,640 Speaker 1: wear that as like an achieved like a badge of honor, 573 00:29:01,920 --> 00:29:04,400 Speaker 1: but really inside it's burning us because we're not talking 574 00:29:04,440 --> 00:29:06,800 Speaker 1: about what we really want to talk about. But on 575 00:29:06,840 --> 00:29:13,480 Speaker 1: the flip side, I'd say that if arguments are constantly 576 00:29:13,600 --> 00:29:17,280 Speaker 1: happening where both people are pointing the finger at the 577 00:29:17,320 --> 00:29:21,480 Speaker 1: other person, and both people are not willing to look 578 00:29:21,520 --> 00:29:26,280 Speaker 1: at their involvement and their responsibility in what's going on, 579 00:29:26,960 --> 00:29:29,840 Speaker 1: that's when you can't go further right. It requires that 580 00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:33,960 Speaker 1: ownership and responsibility where both people look back and say, 581 00:29:34,280 --> 00:29:36,440 Speaker 1: I know what I'm getting wrong. You know what you're 582 00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:39,800 Speaker 1: getting wrong. Okay, let's get this right, rather than no, no, no, 583 00:29:39,840 --> 00:29:42,000 Speaker 1: it's all about you. You're doing everything wrong, and then 584 00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:44,400 Speaker 1: you're like, no, you're doing everything wrong. And if it's 585 00:29:44,440 --> 00:29:48,280 Speaker 1: constantly a battle of you're the mistake, you're the problem, 586 00:29:48,520 --> 00:29:52,800 Speaker 1: You're the issue, that can get very exhausting, very very quickly. 587 00:29:52,840 --> 00:29:56,280 Speaker 1: And the challenge is, most of the time relationships don't 588 00:29:56,440 --> 00:30:00,400 Speaker 1: end because there's a big issue. They end because keep 589 00:30:00,520 --> 00:30:04,720 Speaker 1: arguing about little things. Right, we get exhausted from arguing 590 00:30:04,760 --> 00:30:07,400 Speaker 1: about the tiniest things. It doesn't have to be like 591 00:30:07,480 --> 00:30:10,520 Speaker 1: someone cheated, or it doesn't have to be like someone 592 00:30:10,560 --> 00:30:13,200 Speaker 1: stole money, or it doesn't have to be something as 593 00:30:13,240 --> 00:30:17,160 Speaker 1: extreme as that. Sometimes it's literally you keep arguing about 594 00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:20,200 Speaker 1: tiny things and you're exhausted, and now you have no 595 00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:21,120 Speaker 1: energy for love. 596 00:30:21,960 --> 00:30:25,360 Speaker 2: Well, I like that you say the journaling part. Historically 597 00:30:25,400 --> 00:30:29,160 Speaker 2: I have been the exploder in a relationship and journaling 598 00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:31,360 Speaker 2: and writing down I'll never forget what a therapist told 599 00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:34,200 Speaker 2: me one time. I said, sometimes it just comes out 600 00:30:34,200 --> 00:30:38,640 Speaker 2: and it's stronger than me, and these mean things come out, 601 00:30:38,680 --> 00:30:42,040 Speaker 2: And she goes, why don't you just try once writing 602 00:30:42,120 --> 00:30:44,840 Speaker 2: down just awful things that come into your head, of 603 00:30:44,880 --> 00:30:47,480 Speaker 2: what you would say to your partner, and then fold 604 00:30:47,520 --> 00:30:49,880 Speaker 2: it into a piece of paper and then put it 605 00:30:49,920 --> 00:30:52,800 Speaker 2: on the counter and say this is how it's feeling, 606 00:30:52,840 --> 00:30:54,480 Speaker 2: and it's not very nice, but if you'd like to 607 00:30:54,520 --> 00:30:56,720 Speaker 2: read it, you're more than welcome. And they're probably not 608 00:30:56,760 --> 00:30:58,240 Speaker 2: going to want to read it, and then you're probably 609 00:30:58,240 --> 00:30:59,760 Speaker 2: not going to even want to put it on the counter, 610 00:30:59,840 --> 00:31:01,720 Speaker 2: but because you'll realize by the time you wrote it 611 00:31:01,760 --> 00:31:04,480 Speaker 2: down that it's not something you should have said in 612 00:31:04,520 --> 00:31:06,960 Speaker 2: the first place. And I did that one time and 613 00:31:07,040 --> 00:31:10,040 Speaker 2: it really shifted my perspective and something in my brain 614 00:31:10,120 --> 00:31:13,760 Speaker 2: for that, and I was like, oh my gosh, Okay. 615 00:31:13,840 --> 00:31:16,600 Speaker 2: So then I have a question. So, if you are 616 00:31:16,680 --> 00:31:19,000 Speaker 2: one to avoid conflicts, or you are hiding it or 617 00:31:19,000 --> 00:31:22,120 Speaker 2: pushing it down out of fear, what should you do 618 00:31:22,200 --> 00:31:23,080 Speaker 2: to avoid. 619 00:31:22,720 --> 00:31:27,040 Speaker 1: That avoid suppressing it? You mean, yes, So I think 620 00:31:27,080 --> 00:31:32,920 Speaker 1: there's a difference between expressing anger and pain and explaining 621 00:31:33,120 --> 00:31:36,400 Speaker 1: anger and pain. And so I think people think that 622 00:31:36,440 --> 00:31:40,840 Speaker 1: the opposite of expressing is suppressing. And you're not trying 623 00:31:40,840 --> 00:31:43,240 Speaker 1: to get to the opposite of expressing, You're trying to 624 00:31:43,360 --> 00:31:47,280 Speaker 1: explain how you feel. I'll show you the difference. Expressing 625 00:31:47,440 --> 00:31:51,920 Speaker 1: is you're an idiot, I hate you, You're ruining my life. Right. 626 00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:56,200 Speaker 1: That's expressing. You're just literally throwing it at someone. Explaining 627 00:31:56,280 --> 00:32:00,239 Speaker 1: is saying when you talk to me like this, this 628 00:32:00,280 --> 00:32:03,000 Speaker 1: is what I feel, this is what I experience when 629 00:32:03,080 --> 00:32:07,120 Speaker 1: we deal with our issues in this way. It makes 630 00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:11,680 Speaker 1: me feel upset, inadequate, whatever it may be. You're explaining 631 00:32:11,720 --> 00:32:14,880 Speaker 1: how you feel, and now you've shifted the energy because 632 00:32:14,920 --> 00:32:17,960 Speaker 1: now you can actually have a conversation about what you're 633 00:32:17,960 --> 00:32:21,560 Speaker 1: talking about, rather than someone just having to catch your 634 00:32:21,600 --> 00:32:26,640 Speaker 1: emotions and catch your energy. And so to me, explaining anger, 635 00:32:26,760 --> 00:32:30,240 Speaker 1: not expressing it allows you to actually not suppress it 636 00:32:30,280 --> 00:32:32,040 Speaker 1: because if you just go, Okay, I've got to deal 637 00:32:32,040 --> 00:32:33,720 Speaker 1: with this all in my head, I'm not going to 638 00:32:33,760 --> 00:32:37,000 Speaker 1: say anything to them that's unhealthy because that's just going 639 00:32:37,080 --> 00:32:40,320 Speaker 1: to keep burning inside of you. So what I recommend 640 00:32:40,440 --> 00:32:45,040 Speaker 1: is taking out time, taking a moment, and actually even 641 00:32:45,080 --> 00:32:47,760 Speaker 1: more than all of that, prepare before you end up 642 00:32:47,800 --> 00:32:50,680 Speaker 1: in that position. You know you're going to say something 643 00:32:50,720 --> 00:32:53,480 Speaker 1: you don't mean. You know you're going to say something 644 00:32:53,560 --> 00:32:58,360 Speaker 1: hurtful and potentially damaging. Set yourself up before and say, 645 00:32:58,440 --> 00:33:01,840 Speaker 1: when I'm about to hit that zone, explain how I feel. 646 00:33:02,000 --> 00:33:03,120 Speaker 1: Don't just express it. 647 00:33:04,120 --> 00:33:06,200 Speaker 2: Why do you think that's so hard for people to do? 648 00:33:06,400 --> 00:33:08,760 Speaker 2: It's when you say it and I hear you say it. 649 00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:11,160 Speaker 2: Why is it so hard for people to execute that? 650 00:33:12,360 --> 00:33:16,200 Speaker 1: Doing that because we haven't practiced, We've never practiced it. 651 00:33:16,280 --> 00:33:19,440 Speaker 1: All we've ever done, is let whatever we think come 652 00:33:19,560 --> 00:33:21,800 Speaker 1: straight out of our mouth. And maybe we didn't even 653 00:33:21,800 --> 00:33:23,760 Speaker 1: think about it. We felt it and we said it, 654 00:33:24,080 --> 00:33:26,600 Speaker 1: and so it's just because we haven't practiced it. And 655 00:33:26,680 --> 00:33:29,520 Speaker 1: so it's not something that you should know how to do. 656 00:33:29,880 --> 00:33:32,480 Speaker 1: It's not something that you must know how to do. 657 00:33:32,520 --> 00:33:35,240 Speaker 1: It's something we have to train ourselves into a habit 658 00:33:35,280 --> 00:33:37,880 Speaker 1: of doing it. Right. So if every time you're in 659 00:33:37,920 --> 00:33:41,080 Speaker 1: that moment, in that heated moment, you have to learn 660 00:33:41,160 --> 00:33:44,760 Speaker 1: to cool down, whether it's through prompts physically, you know 661 00:33:45,120 --> 00:33:47,640 Speaker 1: it's present. Like for example, like one of the things 662 00:33:47,640 --> 00:33:50,080 Speaker 1: that I often say to people is if you're about 663 00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:53,520 Speaker 1: to say something, you mean, hold their hands. Right, if 664 00:33:53,520 --> 00:33:56,800 Speaker 1: you're holding someone's hands, you're like less likely about to 665 00:33:56,800 --> 00:33:59,320 Speaker 1: say something hurtful and harmful because you think you can 666 00:33:59,360 --> 00:34:02,000 Speaker 1: say something harmful because you feel distant from them. But 667 00:34:02,040 --> 00:34:03,680 Speaker 1: if you feel a bit closer to them, you're going 668 00:34:03,760 --> 00:34:06,880 Speaker 1: to say it in a much more conscious, intentional way. 669 00:34:07,320 --> 00:34:11,480 Speaker 1: Another thing I'd add is usually when we argue it's 670 00:34:11,520 --> 00:34:14,080 Speaker 1: not schedule, And what I mean by that is, if 671 00:34:14,120 --> 00:34:17,640 Speaker 1: you have to have a difficult or uncomfortable conversation, don't 672 00:34:17,680 --> 00:34:19,880 Speaker 1: just have it when someone walks through the door, or 673 00:34:19,880 --> 00:34:22,760 Speaker 1: when someone's about to go through a really important interview. 674 00:34:23,239 --> 00:34:25,120 Speaker 1: Have it when you say, by the way, I really 675 00:34:25,160 --> 00:34:27,800 Speaker 1: need to talk to you about this, can we schedule time? 676 00:34:28,160 --> 00:34:30,680 Speaker 1: And I think that's what's so important, is that you're 677 00:34:30,680 --> 00:34:34,800 Speaker 1: not just having arguments because you're uncontrolled. You're actually setting 678 00:34:34,800 --> 00:34:37,879 Speaker 1: yourself up a success by saying, can we talk about 679 00:34:37,920 --> 00:34:40,239 Speaker 1: this when you're less stressed. I'm less stressed. Let's find 680 00:34:40,280 --> 00:34:44,200 Speaker 1: the right time to have this uncomfortable conversation. The third 681 00:34:44,239 --> 00:34:46,399 Speaker 1: thing I'm going to say is often when we fight 682 00:34:46,480 --> 00:34:50,080 Speaker 1: with people, we sit opposite them or stand opposite them, 683 00:34:50,440 --> 00:34:52,640 Speaker 1: and a lot of research shows that when you're sitting 684 00:34:52,680 --> 00:34:55,799 Speaker 1: on the same side, you actually feel like you're on 685 00:34:55,840 --> 00:34:58,560 Speaker 1: the same team. And that's why a lot of leaders 686 00:34:58,600 --> 00:35:00,880 Speaker 1: inside companies, when they have to give feedback or have 687 00:35:00,960 --> 00:35:05,280 Speaker 1: tough conversations, they walk with people because now you're walking 688 00:35:05,320 --> 00:35:09,080 Speaker 1: in the same direction and that's psychologically impacting you. Rather 689 00:35:09,120 --> 00:35:12,000 Speaker 1: than sitting across the table from each other against each other, 690 00:35:12,320 --> 00:35:14,919 Speaker 1: you're walking in the same direction with each other. 691 00:35:15,800 --> 00:35:18,880 Speaker 2: I love that. That's actually really incredible advice for me 692 00:35:18,960 --> 00:35:21,399 Speaker 2: to take away. And also I feel like that's why 693 00:35:21,400 --> 00:35:27,120 Speaker 2: people find therapy so beneficial. It almost is a scheduled 694 00:35:27,160 --> 00:35:30,040 Speaker 2: time to talk about feelings that have built up. You 695 00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:32,040 Speaker 2: don't immediately say it when they walk through the door. 696 00:35:32,080 --> 00:35:34,440 Speaker 2: You go, oh, I'm going to save this for therapy. 697 00:35:34,480 --> 00:35:36,480 Speaker 2: We could talk about it with a professional and then 698 00:35:36,640 --> 00:35:39,680 Speaker 2: by that time you're able to deliver it. So I 699 00:35:39,719 --> 00:35:41,640 Speaker 2: love all that advice. That's incredible, and I wanted to 700 00:35:41,640 --> 00:35:43,440 Speaker 2: turn the beat around here for a minute and talk 701 00:35:43,480 --> 00:35:47,400 Speaker 2: about people in happy, healthy relationships I believe, such as yourself. 702 00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:50,640 Speaker 2: How can we keep that spark alive in the relationship 703 00:35:50,680 --> 00:35:53,400 Speaker 2: and grow with our partner instead of growing apart. 704 00:35:53,680 --> 00:35:55,719 Speaker 1: Yeah, I think the way I talk about in the 705 00:35:55,719 --> 00:36:00,600 Speaker 1: book Four Levels of Intimacy and what I've read when 706 00:36:00,600 --> 00:36:02,960 Speaker 1: I was sitting with couples, and it's not surprising or 707 00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:05,319 Speaker 1: when I was looking at the research, the number one 708 00:36:05,360 --> 00:36:09,759 Speaker 1: activity couples do together is watch television. Now, I'm not 709 00:36:09,840 --> 00:36:12,799 Speaker 1: against TV. I'm not against watching TV together. I watch 710 00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:15,040 Speaker 1: TV and movies with my wife all the time. But 711 00:36:15,080 --> 00:36:18,120 Speaker 1: the problem is when that's the only thing you do together, 712 00:36:18,440 --> 00:36:21,839 Speaker 1: which means seven to fourteen hours a week, I spent 713 00:36:21,960 --> 00:36:26,520 Speaker 1: both of you not connecting, not sharing an experience, not 714 00:36:26,600 --> 00:36:29,120 Speaker 1: directing your energy towards each other, but at the screen. 715 00:36:29,760 --> 00:36:32,759 Speaker 1: And so that's one form of connection, but it's quite 716 00:36:32,760 --> 00:36:37,160 Speaker 1: a low form. Higher than that is experiences and experiments. 717 00:36:37,160 --> 00:36:40,200 Speaker 1: What I mean by that is do new things together. 718 00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:43,720 Speaker 1: If you only ever see your partner do the same things. 719 00:36:43,760 --> 00:36:46,359 Speaker 1: They do their job, they wash the dishes, they do 720 00:36:46,400 --> 00:36:50,040 Speaker 1: the laundry. You see your partner do the same daily tasks, 721 00:36:50,480 --> 00:36:53,359 Speaker 1: it's hard to learn something new about them. Whereas if 722 00:36:53,360 --> 00:36:56,719 Speaker 1: you go to a painting class, a pottery class, maybe 723 00:36:56,719 --> 00:36:58,239 Speaker 1: you go for a walk in a place you've never 724 00:36:58,280 --> 00:37:00,520 Speaker 1: been to before, you take a weekend break that you've 725 00:37:00,520 --> 00:37:03,920 Speaker 1: never visited before. When you do new things together, you 726 00:37:04,080 --> 00:37:06,560 Speaker 1: learn new things about each other. That's what keeps the 727 00:37:06,640 --> 00:37:09,960 Speaker 1: spark alive. I find that we want to find the spark. 728 00:37:10,040 --> 00:37:12,600 Speaker 1: But we felt the spark because it was new. But 729 00:37:12,760 --> 00:37:15,759 Speaker 1: now all we do is old things together. Right, We 730 00:37:15,800 --> 00:37:18,279 Speaker 1: don't do anything new together, and so how can there 731 00:37:18,280 --> 00:37:21,960 Speaker 1: be a spark. A higher level than that is to 732 00:37:22,560 --> 00:37:25,120 Speaker 1: learn together, grow together. You may not like listening to 733 00:37:25,160 --> 00:37:27,560 Speaker 1: the same podcast or reading the same books, but if 734 00:37:27,560 --> 00:37:30,239 Speaker 1: you're both doing your own learning, I promise you you'll 735 00:37:30,280 --> 00:37:32,279 Speaker 1: have more to share with each other and more to 736 00:37:32,400 --> 00:37:36,520 Speaker 1: learn about each other. I think that we've lost curiosity, Caitlin. 737 00:37:36,600 --> 00:37:40,120 Speaker 1: I think we feel we know everything about our partners. 738 00:37:40,480 --> 00:37:42,000 Speaker 1: I would honestly say to you, I've been with my 739 00:37:42,000 --> 00:37:45,640 Speaker 1: wife for ten years, and I learned something new about 740 00:37:45,680 --> 00:37:49,399 Speaker 1: her all the time, like it's ever fresh. And it's 741 00:37:49,480 --> 00:37:52,640 Speaker 1: not that because I'm amazing at spotting new things. It's 742 00:37:52,640 --> 00:37:57,560 Speaker 1: because we constantly do new, exciting and thralling things. And 743 00:37:57,600 --> 00:38:00,239 Speaker 1: the key to that is do things where neither view 744 00:38:00,280 --> 00:38:03,200 Speaker 1: at the expert. Do things where it's not either of 745 00:38:03,239 --> 00:38:07,399 Speaker 1: your passions. Do truly new things to discover new things 746 00:38:07,440 --> 00:38:08,160 Speaker 1: about each other. 747 00:38:08,760 --> 00:38:10,720 Speaker 2: I'm going to take that and run with it because 748 00:38:10,960 --> 00:38:13,560 Speaker 2: I feel like Jason and I get caught up in 749 00:38:13,600 --> 00:38:18,000 Speaker 2: this cycle of talking business because we both are super 750 00:38:18,440 --> 00:38:22,160 Speaker 2: driven and motivated, and we are so passionate about what 751 00:38:22,200 --> 00:38:24,160 Speaker 2: we do that at the end of the night, we're 752 00:38:24,160 --> 00:38:27,319 Speaker 2: not doing something like you said, like that isn't that 753 00:38:27,360 --> 00:38:29,919 Speaker 2: you're not the best at We're not taking that time 754 00:38:29,960 --> 00:38:32,360 Speaker 2: to We literally are like we're tired, Let's throw on 755 00:38:32,400 --> 00:38:35,520 Speaker 2: a show or let's talk about business, because that's something 756 00:38:35,560 --> 00:38:38,600 Speaker 2: we both enjoy talking about. So I really appreciate that 757 00:38:38,640 --> 00:38:42,120 Speaker 2: feedback because I think that's really helpful. And lastly, you 758 00:38:42,120 --> 00:38:45,520 Speaker 2: talk about balancing work, love and life without losing yourself. 759 00:38:45,920 --> 00:38:49,200 Speaker 2: How do you continue to give love to your partner yourself. 760 00:38:49,320 --> 00:38:51,960 Speaker 2: Some people have kids and your bucket might feel a 761 00:38:51,960 --> 00:38:54,920 Speaker 2: little bit empty while you still have so much going on, Like, 762 00:38:54,960 --> 00:38:57,920 Speaker 2: how do you figure out how to keep everybody's buckets 763 00:38:57,960 --> 00:38:58,560 Speaker 2: a little full? 764 00:38:59,320 --> 00:39:03,200 Speaker 1: I think is that we try and balance everything perfectly 765 00:39:03,239 --> 00:39:07,360 Speaker 1: all the time. And you know, Arianna Huffington once said, 766 00:39:08,120 --> 00:39:10,000 Speaker 1: you can have it all, just not all at the 767 00:39:10,000 --> 00:39:12,879 Speaker 1: same time. And I love that idea because there are 768 00:39:12,920 --> 00:39:16,040 Speaker 1: different phases and stages to life. That's why when you're single, 769 00:39:16,400 --> 00:39:18,880 Speaker 1: you're meant to fill yourself up so that when you 770 00:39:18,920 --> 00:39:21,520 Speaker 1: get into a relationship you can fill each other up. 771 00:39:21,719 --> 00:39:24,239 Speaker 1: And then when you have kids, you fill the kids up, 772 00:39:24,560 --> 00:39:27,680 Speaker 1: and then you refill yourselves again. And so the way 773 00:39:27,719 --> 00:39:31,279 Speaker 1: I break it down is there's a different priority at 774 00:39:31,320 --> 00:39:34,359 Speaker 1: different stages. That doesn't mean you're not filling yourself up 775 00:39:34,360 --> 00:39:36,759 Speaker 1: and filling other people up at the same time, but 776 00:39:36,800 --> 00:39:39,880 Speaker 1: you recognize that in this season, I need to focus 777 00:39:39,880 --> 00:39:42,239 Speaker 1: more on the kids. In this season, I need to 778 00:39:42,239 --> 00:39:45,120 Speaker 1: focus more on myself. And the only way you do 779 00:39:45,160 --> 00:39:48,080 Speaker 1: it is by not putting pressure on yourself to do 780 00:39:48,160 --> 00:39:50,960 Speaker 1: it all. You give yourself brace, you allow yourself to 781 00:39:51,000 --> 00:39:55,320 Speaker 1: make mistakes, You recognize you're a flawed, normal, fallible human 782 00:39:55,400 --> 00:39:58,440 Speaker 1: who doesn't get everything right all the time, and that 783 00:39:58,560 --> 00:40:01,880 Speaker 1: you try your best. As simple as that sounds, I 784 00:40:02,000 --> 00:40:06,560 Speaker 1: find that people know when you're trying your best. People 785 00:40:06,680 --> 00:40:10,360 Speaker 1: know when you're consciously thinking of them. To be honest, 786 00:40:10,400 --> 00:40:12,359 Speaker 1: sometimes I'll say to my wife, Hey, I know you've 787 00:40:12,360 --> 00:40:14,680 Speaker 1: been struggling with this. How can I help you? And 788 00:40:14,760 --> 00:40:18,160 Speaker 1: her response is, actually, I've got it covered, but I'm 789 00:40:18,200 --> 00:40:21,759 Speaker 1: just thankfully thought of. Half the time, our partners just 790 00:40:21,800 --> 00:40:25,239 Speaker 1: want to feel seen, heard and understood. They don't need 791 00:40:25,280 --> 00:40:28,120 Speaker 1: you to do anything drastic. They don't need you to 792 00:40:28,160 --> 00:40:30,120 Speaker 1: take them on the vacation or take them on the 793 00:40:30,200 --> 00:40:33,560 Speaker 1: date night. They just want to feel seen, heard and understood. 794 00:40:33,760 --> 00:40:36,480 Speaker 1: And when they don't feel seen, heard and understood, that's 795 00:40:36,480 --> 00:40:38,520 Speaker 1: when they want the vacation, and that's when they want 796 00:40:38,520 --> 00:40:41,520 Speaker 1: the anniversary party, and that's when they want the birthday party, 797 00:40:41,560 --> 00:40:44,920 Speaker 1: because those are all ways of patching up all of 798 00:40:44,920 --> 00:40:46,400 Speaker 1: the other issues that they feel. 799 00:40:47,120 --> 00:40:52,120 Speaker 2: Yeah, so true. I mean everybody say I'm like, yes, yes. 800 00:40:51,480 --> 00:40:54,040 Speaker 1: I'm glad. It's resonating. I really hope it resonates with 801 00:40:54,080 --> 00:40:57,120 Speaker 1: your amazing audience and your community, because I'm just trying 802 00:40:57,160 --> 00:40:59,759 Speaker 1: to speak in real terms and try and speak as 803 00:40:59,760 --> 00:41:01,319 Speaker 1: true fully and openly as I can. 804 00:41:01,520 --> 00:41:03,080 Speaker 2: No it will. I mean, you can think about that 805 00:41:03,120 --> 00:41:06,080 Speaker 2: book is there's some parts I definitely disagree with, but 806 00:41:06,120 --> 00:41:09,440 Speaker 2: the women men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Like, 807 00:41:09,920 --> 00:41:12,759 Speaker 2: it's just it's gone back so many years where it's 808 00:41:12,880 --> 00:41:15,160 Speaker 2: people are wired a certain way and it's just not 809 00:41:15,320 --> 00:41:18,319 Speaker 2: the same as it was. However long ago that was, 810 00:41:18,360 --> 00:41:21,120 Speaker 2: you know what I mean. So it's it's we're all 811 00:41:21,160 --> 00:41:24,680 Speaker 2: trying to evolve and grow and change and stay with 812 00:41:24,719 --> 00:41:27,120 Speaker 2: the times, and I feel like everything right now is 813 00:41:27,440 --> 00:41:29,160 Speaker 2: it's not the same as it was in the cavemen 814 00:41:29,280 --> 00:41:31,880 Speaker 2: days where men are from Mars and women are from Venus. 815 00:41:31,920 --> 00:41:34,279 Speaker 2: It's still maybe a little bit wired that way, but 816 00:41:34,400 --> 00:41:35,960 Speaker 2: we have to grow as. 817 00:41:36,040 --> 00:41:39,439 Speaker 1: We have to so, and our lives have changed, right, Work, 818 00:41:39,600 --> 00:41:43,480 Speaker 1: work schedules have changed, work responsibilities have changed, so we 819 00:41:43,560 --> 00:41:46,719 Speaker 1: can't keep applying that advice to these modern lives that 820 00:41:46,760 --> 00:41:47,080 Speaker 1: we live. 821 00:41:47,560 --> 00:41:50,880 Speaker 2: Yeah, I completely agree. I just I am so grateful 822 00:41:51,040 --> 00:41:53,360 Speaker 2: for you and I loved having you on my podcast, 823 00:41:53,400 --> 00:41:57,239 Speaker 2: and I know you are just so busy, and I 824 00:41:57,320 --> 00:41:59,000 Speaker 2: just can't tell you how grateful I am that you 825 00:41:59,239 --> 00:42:01,080 Speaker 2: spent some time with today. And I just know how 826 00:42:01,160 --> 00:42:03,600 Speaker 2: much this will mean, how much of it into me personally, 827 00:42:03,640 --> 00:42:05,520 Speaker 2: and how much it will mean to my listeners as well. 828 00:42:05,560 --> 00:42:07,759 Speaker 2: And I want to like shout this book from the 829 00:42:07,840 --> 00:42:11,880 Speaker 2: rooftops and have everybody get it because I love the 830 00:42:12,040 --> 00:42:14,680 Speaker 2: dits for everybody, and I love what you say and 831 00:42:14,719 --> 00:42:17,239 Speaker 2: you've helped me more than you know. So thank you, 832 00:42:17,560 --> 00:42:18,480 Speaker 2: thank you, Thank you. 833 00:42:18,960 --> 00:42:20,640 Speaker 1: Well, Kaitlyn. I want to say thank you to you. 834 00:42:20,800 --> 00:42:22,520 Speaker 1: I also want to say thank you to everyone who's 835 00:42:22,560 --> 00:42:25,280 Speaker 1: been listening and watching and everyone who orders the book. 836 00:42:25,320 --> 00:42:27,080 Speaker 1: Thank you so much. It means the world to me. 837 00:42:27,120 --> 00:42:29,840 Speaker 1: I poured my heart into this book for two years 838 00:42:29,880 --> 00:42:32,920 Speaker 1: and so I deeply value anyone who takes a moment 839 00:42:32,960 --> 00:42:34,920 Speaker 1: to read it. And I also want to send you 840 00:42:34,960 --> 00:42:38,319 Speaker 1: away with a little intention, a little meditation, just to 841 00:42:38,320 --> 00:42:40,960 Speaker 1: thank you, just to wish you well on this journey 842 00:42:40,960 --> 00:42:42,640 Speaker 1: you're off too, for the next six days, and I 843 00:42:42,680 --> 00:42:50,400 Speaker 1: really hope that it's a transformative, deeply moving and impactful 844 00:42:50,600 --> 00:42:54,160 Speaker 1: process for you. And I hope that when you come 845 00:42:54,200 --> 00:42:57,879 Speaker 1: out of it, you have new lessons, new wisdom, new 846 00:42:57,960 --> 00:43:02,839 Speaker 1: insight that you're able to line your life and share love, 847 00:43:02,960 --> 00:43:07,680 Speaker 1: share joy, and share your spirit with everyone in your life. 848 00:43:07,719 --> 00:43:10,799 Speaker 1: So I just wanted to put that intention out there 849 00:43:10,800 --> 00:43:13,720 Speaker 1: for you and sending you so much love and positive 850 00:43:13,800 --> 00:43:14,920 Speaker 1: energy through this journey. 851 00:43:15,760 --> 00:43:18,080 Speaker 2: Thank you so much. I know you're going on a 852 00:43:18,160 --> 00:43:21,919 Speaker 2: whole live tour when I get back, so I'm sure 853 00:43:21,960 --> 00:43:24,680 Speaker 2: we will cross paths, and even if it's DMS, because 854 00:43:24,719 --> 00:43:25,120 Speaker 2: I want to. 855 00:43:25,040 --> 00:43:26,839 Speaker 1: I hope you will come and see me. Well, yeah, 856 00:43:26,840 --> 00:43:28,359 Speaker 1: I hope you will come and see the show. That'd 857 00:43:28,400 --> 00:43:28,840 Speaker 1: be awesome. 858 00:43:29,160 --> 00:43:31,279 Speaker 2: I would love to. Is there a place where people 859 00:43:31,320 --> 00:43:33,560 Speaker 2: can find your book, the dates you're going on to tour, 860 00:43:33,719 --> 00:43:35,239 Speaker 2: everywhere that everyone can find you. 861 00:43:35,880 --> 00:43:38,440 Speaker 1: Yeah, the book can be ordered from eight Rules of 862 00:43:38,520 --> 00:43:40,960 Speaker 1: Love dot com, same as the title Eight Rules of 863 00:43:40,960 --> 00:43:45,600 Speaker 1: Love dot com, and the tour is at Jshetty tour 864 00:43:45,760 --> 00:43:47,960 Speaker 1: dot com and all the dates there, whether you're in 865 00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:51,440 Speaker 1: the US or international, And so Jshetty tour dot com. 866 00:43:51,160 --> 00:43:52,399 Speaker 2: Good luck with your full tour. 867 00:43:52,560 --> 00:43:53,319 Speaker 1: Er so much. 868 00:43:53,880 --> 00:43:56,680 Speaker 2: You're just helping so many people and opening people's eyes 869 00:43:56,719 --> 00:43:59,359 Speaker 2: and minds, and it's it's really incredible, and I just again, 870 00:43:59,400 --> 00:44:01,400 Speaker 2: thank you for that, and thank you for chatting with 871 00:44:01,440 --> 00:44:02,640 Speaker 2: me today, Caitlin. 872 00:44:02,719 --> 00:44:04,279 Speaker 1: It was so fun talking to you and we will 873 00:44:04,320 --> 00:44:06,399 Speaker 1: keep in touch. And again, thank you so much. I'm 874 00:44:06,400 --> 00:44:08,600 Speaker 1: so grateful and all the best. I have a great 875 00:44:08,640 --> 00:44:11,520 Speaker 1: six days. Thank you so much for listening to on Purpose. 876 00:44:11,600 --> 00:44:14,520 Speaker 1: It means the world to me. I am so excited 877 00:44:14,600 --> 00:44:17,320 Speaker 1: to be sharing these episodes with you. I am pumped 878 00:44:17,360 --> 00:44:28,520 Speaker 1: and I cannot wait for the next one. We're often 879 00:44:28,520 --> 00:44:31,680 Speaker 1: told that we've got to focus on ourselves and that 880 00:44:31,760 --> 00:44:34,839 Speaker 1: we can't look to others to make us happy. While 881 00:44:34,880 --> 00:44:37,880 Speaker 1: that's in many ways true, there is a path to 882 00:44:37,960 --> 00:44:42,760 Speaker 1: contentment that involves others without relying on them. Don't worry, 883 00:44:43,120 --> 00:44:47,440 Speaker 1: I'll explain. The next seven minutes are about happiness and 884 00:44:47,520 --> 00:44:51,160 Speaker 1: how you can find yours by helping others find theirs. 885 00:44:52,239 --> 00:44:56,839 Speaker 1: I'm Jay Sheddy. Welcome to the Daily Jay. Now, I'd 886 00:44:56,880 --> 00:45:00,960 Speaker 1: like to pause here as always and get entered with 887 00:45:01,120 --> 00:45:09,880 Speaker 1: three conscious breaths, deep breath in and a slow breath out, 888 00:45:12,640 --> 00:45:22,000 Speaker 1: connecting with your body and releasing tension, connecting with your 889 00:45:22,040 --> 00:45:32,279 Speaker 1: mind and tapping in. There's a brilliant story about a 890 00:45:32,360 --> 00:45:36,440 Speaker 1: teacher who hands each of her students a balloon and 891 00:45:36,520 --> 00:45:38,760 Speaker 1: has them write their name on it with a marker. 892 00:45:39,840 --> 00:45:43,120 Speaker 1: The teacher holds up a timer and tells the students, 893 00:45:43,680 --> 00:45:46,720 Speaker 1: on the account of three, I'm going to have you all 894 00:45:46,760 --> 00:45:49,480 Speaker 1: throw your balloons up in the air, and you'll have 895 00:45:49,520 --> 00:45:53,080 Speaker 1: two minutes to find the one with your name. The 896 00:45:53,120 --> 00:45:57,160 Speaker 1: teacher counts to three, and the students are off racing 897 00:45:57,200 --> 00:46:00,880 Speaker 1: around the room. They're tripping over one another, wildly batting 898 00:46:00,960 --> 00:46:05,279 Speaker 1: the balloons in their frantic search. It's mayhem. At the 899 00:46:05,400 --> 00:46:09,920 Speaker 1: end of the two minutes, the teacher instructs everyone to freeze. 900 00:46:09,960 --> 00:46:13,880 Speaker 1: She asks who found their balloon. Only a few hands 901 00:46:13,920 --> 00:46:17,960 Speaker 1: go up. Okay, The teacher says, we're going to do 902 00:46:18,000 --> 00:46:21,319 Speaker 1: it again, but now I want you to pick up 903 00:46:21,360 --> 00:46:24,719 Speaker 1: whichever balloon is closest to you and return it to 904 00:46:24,800 --> 00:46:29,800 Speaker 1: its owner. This time, as the clock runs out, everyone 905 00:46:29,920 --> 00:46:33,480 Speaker 1: has their balloon back and something else is different too. 906 00:46:34,360 --> 00:46:38,120 Speaker 1: Instead of looking harried and stressed, the students are smiling 907 00:46:38,440 --> 00:46:43,600 Speaker 1: and laughing. The teacher explains that happiness is like those balloons. 908 00:46:44,200 --> 00:46:47,160 Speaker 1: If we're only focused on our own happiness, we have 909 00:46:47,200 --> 00:46:50,640 Speaker 1: a worse chance of actually locating it. But if we 910 00:46:50,719 --> 00:46:54,560 Speaker 1: all share happiness wherever we can, we'll find our own 911 00:46:54,600 --> 00:46:57,880 Speaker 1: as well. Now, there's nothing wrong with looking for your 912 00:46:57,920 --> 00:47:02,560 Speaker 1: own happiness. That's normal, it's healthy, and after all, we 913 00:47:02,600 --> 00:47:05,440 Speaker 1: don't want to let others and what they do or 914 00:47:05,480 --> 00:47:09,400 Speaker 1: don't do, dictate the quality of our lives. But we 915 00:47:09,480 --> 00:47:13,239 Speaker 1: can become so fixated on our search for contentment that 916 00:47:13,320 --> 00:47:16,640 Speaker 1: we get anxious and stressed. We feel like trying to 917 00:47:16,680 --> 00:47:20,080 Speaker 1: find joy is like looking for a needle in a haystack. 918 00:47:20,840 --> 00:47:24,960 Speaker 1: In reality, happiness is all around us. It just might 919 00:47:25,040 --> 00:47:28,719 Speaker 1: not be ours. Sometimes it's better to simply pick up 920 00:47:28,840 --> 00:47:33,440 Speaker 1: someone else's balloon and hand it to them. The reality 921 00:47:33,840 --> 00:47:36,840 Speaker 1: is that we are inter dependent, and while we shouldn't 922 00:47:36,880 --> 00:47:40,960 Speaker 1: expect others to give us our balloons, we can trust 923 00:47:41,040 --> 00:47:44,880 Speaker 1: that at some point our goodwill might come back around. 924 00:47:45,760 --> 00:47:48,760 Speaker 1: We can also focus on the joy that giving joy 925 00:47:48,920 --> 00:47:53,120 Speaker 1: gives you. In the words of father Richard Raw, the 926 00:47:53,239 --> 00:47:56,560 Speaker 1: only way to hang on to joy is to share it. 927 00:47:57,600 --> 00:48:00,680 Speaker 1: So what does it look like to hand someone there happiness? 928 00:48:01,400 --> 00:48:05,160 Speaker 1: You've probably already done it without realizing. It can be 929 00:48:05,280 --> 00:48:08,799 Speaker 1: as easy as telling someone how much you appreciate them 930 00:48:09,280 --> 00:48:13,160 Speaker 1: or thanking them for a job well done. Simple gestures 931 00:48:13,239 --> 00:48:16,680 Speaker 1: like these don't just brighten a person's day, they also 932 00:48:16,840 --> 00:48:20,600 Speaker 1: generate shared joy. I know you know that it feels 933 00:48:20,640 --> 00:48:24,320 Speaker 1: good to make someone smile, and if you remain present 934 00:48:24,520 --> 00:48:28,160 Speaker 1: in that shared joy, it's a surefire way to boost 935 00:48:28,160 --> 00:48:31,279 Speaker 1: your own happiness too. When it comes down to it, 936 00:48:31,600 --> 00:48:34,680 Speaker 1: we do need to care for ourselves. But at the 937 00:48:34,719 --> 00:48:38,359 Speaker 1: same time, we're all in it together figuring out this 938 00:48:38,440 --> 00:48:42,360 Speaker 1: thing called life, and we should all hand out happiness 939 00:48:42,840 --> 00:48:47,680 Speaker 1: when we can. And now, as our time today winds down, 940 00:48:48,320 --> 00:48:51,160 Speaker 1: we can start to spread the love in our meditation. 941 00:48:52,640 --> 00:48:59,320 Speaker 1: So get comfortable wherever you are, relaxing your body, easing tension. 942 00:49:02,280 --> 00:49:05,680 Speaker 1: If you'd like, you can put one hand on your 943 00:49:05,719 --> 00:49:11,880 Speaker 1: stomach to feel the rise and fall of your breath, 944 00:49:14,760 --> 00:49:18,839 Speaker 1: the other hand on your chest to connect with your 945 00:49:18,960 --> 00:49:32,000 Speaker 1: source of love and kindness. See if you can access 946 00:49:32,400 --> 00:49:46,960 Speaker 1: any feelings of warmth, generosity, compassion, and let those feelings 947 00:49:47,200 --> 00:49:58,439 Speaker 1: flow out of you and into the world. You can 948 00:49:58,480 --> 00:50:02,000 Speaker 1: even bring to mind a loved one or a friend, 949 00:50:03,840 --> 00:50:07,239 Speaker 1: someone who could use a little support or a pick 950 00:50:07,320 --> 00:50:17,200 Speaker 1: me up, and send them your well wishes. May you 951 00:50:17,280 --> 00:50:32,280 Speaker 1: be happy. And now let's open this up. Think about 952 00:50:32,320 --> 00:50:36,440 Speaker 1: what you can do today to give someone else their balloon. 953 00:50:41,080 --> 00:50:48,560 Speaker 1: How a might to uplift you as well. Big picture, 954 00:50:49,320 --> 00:50:54,600 Speaker 1: can you consider other people's happiness alongside the search for 955 00:50:54,680 --> 00:51:03,160 Speaker 1: your own. I wish you a beautiful day full of 956 00:51:03,280 --> 00:51:06,719 Speaker 1: joy and light, and I can't wait to see you 957 00:51:06,760 --> 00:51:07,240 Speaker 1: tomorrow