Speaker 1: Avoiding works. It keeps us safe, It keeps us sane,
Speaker 1: it keeps us functioning, It stops us from having a breakdown.
Speaker 1: I need to get to work. I can't cry right now.
Speaker 1: I'm going to avoid what this is right now. But
Speaker 1: the truth is that avoiding pain doesn't protect us from it.
Speaker 1: I'm Radi Wukiah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry,
Speaker 1: we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space
Speaker 1: for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you
Speaker 1: to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together.
Speaker 1: Hey everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of
Speaker 1: A Really Good Cry. Thank you so much for being here.
Speaker 1: I appreciate it so much. I really feel like these
Speaker 1: episodes end up being a little therapy session for myself,
Speaker 1: and it really makes me more present in my day
Speaker 1: to observe conversations that I'm having to observe people around me,
Speaker 1: to really be present so that I'm able to absorb things,
Speaker 1: digest them, and then share them with you. So I
Speaker 1: appreciate that you're listening, and I truly hope that you
Speaker 1: gain so much out of these episodes. And I would
Speaker 1: so love to hear any feedback, or any recommendations of
Speaker 1: topics you'd like to hear about or discuss on a
Speaker 1: really good cry. Today's episode is actually based on a
Speaker 1: DM that I received recently from someone saying that they
Speaker 1: are on their healing journey, their self care journey, and
Speaker 1: a big part of that has just been removing people
Speaker 1: and things that she doesn't want to deal with, and
Speaker 1: how that's actually been her way of setting boundaries. And
Speaker 1: of course, as much as I respect that and understand
Speaker 1: how necessary it is, it really got me thinking about
Speaker 1: this self care healing era that we are in, especially
Speaker 1: this online space that has been created about it, and
Speaker 1: I think sometimes it's actually making us confuse healing with
Speaker 1: the avoidance. We say it's a boundary, but really we're
Speaker 1: just ghosting someone who challenged us. Or we say we're
Speaker 1: protecting our peace, but what we're really doing is avoiding
Speaker 1: hard conversations. We end up isolating and withdrawing and shutting
Speaker 1: people out, and we end up calling it working on ourself.
Speaker 1: And so I think the problem with the definition of
Speaker 1: self care that has become quite viral online, and you know,
Speaker 1: everyone's like, just shut people out, don't speak to people
Speaker 1: that do this to you just making things very black
Speaker 1: and white. I think the problem with this definition of
Speaker 1: self care is that it's based on just something that
Speaker 1: makes us feel good in the moment, and we all
Speaker 1: know that not everything that feels good is necessarily good
Speaker 1: for us in the long run, and usually, unfortunately, it
Speaker 1: is the things that don't actually feel that great that
Speaker 1: end up actually being good for us long term. So
Speaker 1: I think we end up going to all these extreme
Speaker 1: levels to just avoid pain in our life, and as
Speaker 1: a way to make it okay, we've created this term
Speaker 1: self care. We've covered it up in the illusion of
Speaker 1: self care, But actually that seems like the opposite of healing,
Speaker 1: doesn't it. Because I think true self care it's not
Speaker 1: about building a life that's free from challenges or problems,
Speaker 1: or issues or confrontations. It's about building the resilience to
Speaker 1: move through those challenges that come because the fact is
Speaker 1: that challenges are inevitable, issues are inevitable, confrontations are inevitable.
Speaker 1: At some point in our life, We're going to be
Speaker 1: faced with challenges and resistance in our life, and the
Speaker 1: more that you avoid these, the less equipped you are
Speaker 1: to deal with the next one and the next one
Speaker 1: after that. And then you're kind of stuck in this
Speaker 1: position where every time you do come across something like that,
Speaker 1: you actually freeze, or you don't know how to deal
Speaker 1: with it, or you just keep avoiding. And the problem
Speaker 1: with avoiding is even if you choose a conscious level
Speaker 1: not to acknowledge it, even if you choose at a
Speaker 1: conscious level to leave the country, to go on holiday,
Speaker 1: to stop speaking to that person, subconsciously, those little things
Speaker 1: are building up in you. And so instead of creating
Speaker 1: a way or a neural pathway to deal with these problems,
Speaker 1: or a physical pathway to deal with these problems, we
Speaker 1: end up creating ways out of it. So what does
Speaker 1: that mean the next time we come into contact with
Speaker 1: the same problem, Not only are we carrying the way
Speaker 1: of the last thing, we also have absolutely no idea
Speaker 1: how to handle it. It's like if you're trying to
Speaker 1: fix something, you come across a broken light bulb in
Speaker 1: your house, You're like, you know what, I'm going to
Speaker 1: leave that till next time, And then you find another
Speaker 1: broken light bulb and you're like, oh, man, if i'd
Speaker 1: fix that first one, i'd probably know how to do
Speaker 1: this one. Not only when I know how to do
Speaker 1: it and have the tools in my house to do it.
Speaker 1: It will also be done quicker, more efficiently and back
Speaker 1: to how I need it to be way faster. And
Speaker 1: so the bounce back, or the ability to actually work
Speaker 1: through these issues as they come to us becomes easier,
Speaker 1: more efficient, and also just builds this idea in our
Speaker 1: head that damn, I can do this. I've done it before,
Speaker 1: and I for sure can do it now because I've
Speaker 1: got proof that I can do it, and look, I
Speaker 1: get it. It's so normal to want to avoid pain.
Speaker 1: Of course we want to avoid it. It's human nature
Speaker 1: to want to avoid it. We are wired for survival
Speaker 1: as humans, and we really do chase safety. We move
Speaker 1: towards comfort and familiarity and away from anything that threatens that,
Speaker 1: and that instinct is actually what's helped us survive as
Speaker 1: a species. But in modern life and where we're at
Speaker 1: right now emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually, that same instinct can
Speaker 1: really backfire because when we spend our lives moving through
Speaker 1: the world trying to avoid discomfort at all costs, we
Speaker 1: don't just avoid pain, we also avoid growth, and sometimes
Speaker 1: when you've been through a lot, avoidance becomes a coping strategy,
Speaker 1: and a very useful one at that. It really does work.
Speaker 1: Avoiding works. It keeps us safe, It keeps us sane,
Speaker 1: it keeps us functioning. It stops us from having a breakdown.
Speaker 1: I need to get to work. I can't cry right now.
Speaker 1: I'm going to avoid what this is right now. But
Speaker 1: do you come back to it, do you actually revisit
Speaker 1: it at a time where you have this space, the safety,
Speaker 1: and the ability to because if you don't, those things
Speaker 1: are going to accumulate. And you know, avoidance can be
Speaker 1: really subtle. It can look like overthinking, overworking, over controlling. Damn,
Speaker 1: do I know this over controlling one. I've been there.
Speaker 1: I do it very often, and then is definitely my
Speaker 1: avoidance technique. Okay, I don't want to deal with the
Speaker 1: fact that this person doesn't like me, So let me
Speaker 1: try and control the situation and do things for them
Speaker 1: and try and navigate this without having the conversation of
Speaker 1: why let me just try and brush out of the carpet,
Speaker 1: act like everything is normal and shower them with love.
Speaker 1: Really bad avoidance technique, because that's overcompensating trying to control
Speaker 1: the situation rather than just having the conversation. The conversation
Speaker 1: probably would have been the easier option, but we try
Speaker 1: to avoid things as much as possible because that feels
Speaker 1: like the more uncomfortable situation. But you know what it
Speaker 1: feels like, the more uncomfortable situation because I haven't gotten
Speaker 1: used to doing it. The more you normalize these things,
Speaker 1: the more you normalize there doing hard things, the more
Speaker 1: you normalize turning towards the pain and the discomfort rather
Speaker 1: than away from it, That then becomes your normal pathway.
Speaker 1: That then becomes your normal reaction or the way that
Speaker 1: you choose to deal with things, rather than the running,
Speaker 1: rather than the overcompensating rather than over controlling, and so
Speaker 1: actually you are just changing what your normality is. And
Speaker 1: the only way you can do that is through consistency,
Speaker 1: through constantly trying, through constantly choosing the hard eruption, and
Speaker 1: then the hard eruption doesn't stay as hard and it
Speaker 1: actually becomes the EASi eruption because that's what you've become
Speaker 1: used to doing. Avoidance can also look like saying I
Speaker 1: don't need anyone, when what you really mean is I
Speaker 1: don't want to risk getting hurt again. And you know,
Speaker 1: another unexpected way that this shows up is not wanting
Speaker 1: to dig into the past, not wanting to dig into
Speaker 1: these past traumas or feelings that we've had. I see
Speaker 1: it so much, it feels like opening up an old wound.
Speaker 1: And what is the point, right? Why do I need
Speaker 1: to look backwards? It's over? Why go back? But I
Speaker 1: don't really think that you can truly move forward if
Speaker 1: you don't look into the past and resolve what you're
Speaker 1: still carrying with you. And just because the moment has
Speaker 1: passed does not mean it's not still living in your body,
Speaker 1: in your nervous system, in the way that you respond
Speaker 1: when someone gets too close, and the way that you
Speaker 1: panic at the thought of failure, or in the way
Speaker 1: that you doubt yourself even when things are going well.
Speaker 1: Unprocessed pain from the past does not disappear. It really
Speaker 1: echoes through you, and it shapes how you show up
Speaker 1: in the present. It influences your relationships, your choices, and
Speaker 1: your triggers now, so avoiding it might feel easier, but
Speaker 1: it can be what is standing between you and the
Speaker 1: life that you really want. Most of the time, because
Speaker 1: of how fast paced the world is, we just think
Speaker 1: if we try hard enough, we can dodge suffering. Altogether.
Speaker 1: If we hustle enough, if we stay positive enough, if
Speaker 1: we stay thin enough, if we stay and control enough,
Speaker 1: we can bypass pain in some way, and that we
Speaker 1: can be immune to heartbreak or failure or shame or
Speaker 1: sadness or disappointment. We really try our best to avoid
Speaker 1: in any way possible. But that's just not real and
Speaker 1: it's not how life works. And I know that's not
Speaker 1: easy to hear. It actually sucks because you want someone
Speaker 1: to say, you know what, this can take all your
Speaker 1: pain away, don't worry, you don't have to go through it.
Speaker 1: And it's really not easy to feel. But the truth
Speaker 1: is that avoiding pain doesn't protect us from it, and
Speaker 1: it just delays it or shifts it into another form,
Speaker 1: and so it could end up looking like pouring a
Speaker 1: drink when you're stressed and that becoming your habit, or
Speaker 1: walking away from relationships the moment they get hard, or
Speaker 1: even the moment they get good, procrastinating on your dream
Speaker 1: because you're terrified, or failing, or saying yes when you
Speaker 1: just mean no, just to keep the peace. And honestly,
Speaker 1: these mechanisms they really do work. They can work for
Speaker 1: a really long time, and they can feel pretty good
Speaker 1: at the time do but eventually they show up somewhere
Speaker 1: in our life as anxiety, as fatigue, as an illness
Speaker 1: in our relationships, distance, resentment, confusion. There is a long
Speaker 1: list of how they can show up in us, but
Speaker 1: the fact is they will at some point in time
Speaker 1: of auidence just creates this illusion of peace, but it's
Speaker 1: not peace. It's just pausing. And the cost of that
Speaker 1: pause is often this long term disconnection from ourself and
Speaker 1: the life that we're supposed to live. And you know what,
Speaker 1: sometimes I would really think I was doing the hard thing.
Speaker 1: I would be convinced that I was doing the hard thing.
Speaker 1: Look at me, I'm working long hours, I'm hustling, I'm
Speaker 1: showing up, I'm handling so much, I'm so busy all
Speaker 1: the time. I'm doing such hard things. This is hard. Okay,
Speaker 1: the work I'm doing is hard. And I would tell
Speaker 1: myself that, and I would tell other people that, and yes,
Speaker 1: it is hard, Okay. I'm not diminishing the fact they're
Speaker 1: doing work or hustling isn't difficult. But sometimes we're choosing
Speaker 1: the version of hard that's actually familiar, or the one
Speaker 1: that gets us approval all the one that we think
Speaker 1: looks hard, but actually internally it's not hard for us
Speaker 1: at all, and deep down we know that this isn't
Speaker 1: really my heart. My real hard is having that difficult
Speaker 1: conversation that I have been avoiding for god knows how long.
Speaker 1: My real heart is picking up the phone and calling
Speaker 1: that person that caused me a lot of pain and
Speaker 1: that I just need to have the last conversation with.
Speaker 1: My real heart is sitting in silence instead of always
Speaker 1: saying busy, busy, busy, so I don't have to listen
Speaker 1: to my thoughts. My real hard is looking at why
Speaker 1: I'm still repeating this same passion in my relationships over
Speaker 1: and over again and saying it's bad luck. My real
Speaker 1: heart is letting someone see me fully even when I'm
Speaker 1: not put together. We get really good at doing hard
Speaker 1: things that look impressive, but the real transformation only comes
Speaker 1: when we start doing the hard things that feel uncomfortable.
Speaker 1: And I want to read you a little apart from
Speaker 1: the book Atomic Habits. I'm sure you've heard of it.
Speaker 1: It's been on New York Times bestsellers for Lord knows
Speaker 1: how long, a long long time years, I think, And
Speaker 1: he says, the ability to do hard things is perhaps
Speaker 1: the most useful ability you can foster in yourself or
Speaker 1: your children, and proof that you are someone who can
Speaker 1: do them is one of the most useful assets you
Speaker 1: can have on your life resume. Our self image is
Speaker 1: composed of historical evidence of our abilities. The more hard
Speaker 1: things you push yourself to do, the more competent you
Speaker 1: will see yourself to be. So it also helps to
Speaker 1: build confidence. By the way, that's what it's saying. The
Speaker 1: more hard things you do, the more you see yourself
Speaker 1: being competent to do them, the more confident you are
Speaker 1: in your ability. And if you can run marathons or
Speaker 1: throw double your body weight over your head, the sleep
Speaker 1: deprivation from a newborn is only a mild irritant. If
Speaker 1: you can excel at organic chemistry or econometrics, onboarding for
Speaker 1: a new finance job will be a breeze. But if
Speaker 1: we avoid these hard things, anything mildly challenging will seem unsurmountable.
Speaker 1: We're trying to TikTok over an errant period at the
Speaker 1: end of a text message. We'll see ourselves as incapable
Speaker 1: of learning new skills, taking on new careers, and escaping
Speaker 1: bad situations. The proof you can do hard things is
Speaker 1: one of the most powerful gifts that you can give yourself.
Speaker 1: I thought that was pretty great, really well explained, actually
Speaker 1: in one paragraph maybe two so well explained. And so
Speaker 1: avoiding pain may feel like self protection, but over time
Speaker 1: it just becomes self abandonment. So if you are in
Speaker 1: a season that feels messy, if you're in the middle
Speaker 1: of something tender or real or raw, do not run
Speaker 1: from it. This is your reminder, your loving reminder, not
Speaker 1: to run from it. Just stay in it, breathe in it,
Speaker 1: and let it. The more you turn toward what is difficult,
Speaker 1: the more you turn toward the hard the less control
Speaker 1: it has over you. And you know what. You fear
Speaker 1: what you don't know. You fear what you haven't done.
Speaker 1: But as soon as you know it and as soon
Speaker 1: as you've done it, it's always less scary that marathon,
Speaker 1: the exam, the driving test, I don't know, the relationship
Speaker 1: that you're too scared to get into. The more familiar
Speaker 1: it becomes, the less control it has over you, and
Speaker 1: the easier it is to address it. So give yourself
Speaker 1: the opportunity to build that resilience and to build that
Speaker 1: belief in yourself that you can do hard things. If
Speaker 1: you know what, wake up every single day, wake up
Speaker 1: every single day and look at yourself and say, you
Speaker 1: can do hard things. If I'm honest, I do that
Speaker 1: a lot. There are so many things that I've done
Speaker 1: in my life that I never ever believed that I
Speaker 1: could do that. I thought in my dreams that I
Speaker 1: would not be able to do. I never even dreamt
Speaker 1: of doing them. And yet I found myself coming into
Speaker 1: a situation where I got asked to or where I
Speaker 1: was where life took me, and I thought, never thought
Speaker 1: I'd have to deal with this, never thought that I'd
Speaker 1: have to go through something like this, never thought this
Speaker 1: opportunity would come my way. And how sad I look back,
Speaker 1: and I think how sad would have been if I
Speaker 1: just said, no, I'm too scared, No, this is too difficult. No,
Speaker 1: actually I don't want to try it. It's some familiar,
Speaker 1: it's scary. I'm gonna just leave it there. But the
Speaker 1: more I've done, and the thing is, it trickles into everything,
Speaker 1: you know, That's what's so interesting. It really moves through
Speaker 1: your entire life. You do something difficult in one area,
Speaker 1: it shows up in the other area. You do something
Speaker 1: difficult in your personal life, you could show up better physically.
Speaker 1: You do something physical that's difficult, like working out and
Speaker 1: pushing yourself. There guarantee you that resilience shows through in
Speaker 1: your work, in your relationships, in your ability to show
Speaker 1: up and do difficult things in any other area. It
Speaker 1: applies everywhere. So yes, okay, maybe you say no to
Speaker 1: something that made you scared, but try to show up
Speaker 1: somewhere else in a way that feels more comfortable. Maybe
Speaker 1: you said no to speaking in public, but you chose
Speaker 1: to go a little harder at the gym. Be proud
Speaker 1: of that. You're still trying to do hard things, and
Speaker 1: that's what's important. The more we stay in this place
Speaker 1: of comfort, the more we stay in this place of
Speaker 1: protection and just avoidance. Actually we're doing ourselves a disservice.
Speaker 1: You think you're doing yourself a service. Let me hide away.
Speaker 1: It's like saying you're going to go to the middle
Speaker 1: of a forest because you don't want to get tempted
Speaker 1: by anything. This example is given a lot in our scriptures,
Speaker 1: and I always hear the monks talk about this, where
Speaker 1: it's no use trying to take yourself out of your
Speaker 1: desires or the things that tempt you lock yourself away
Speaker 1: in a cupboard or a dark room, and your mind
Speaker 1: is still going to have that. Your mind is still
Speaker 1: going to have those thoughts, and so better that you
Speaker 1: actually build up the protection mechanisms for when you actually
Speaker 1: do come in contact with them, so you have the strength,
Speaker 1: the resistance, the skills, the tools, the ability to protect
Speaker 1: yourself against it. No point just stopping yourself from being
Speaker 1: around it, because at that point you're creating a false environment.
Speaker 1: What use is that, Oh, I don't want to eat chocolates,
Speaker 1: I'm going to stop myself from even looking at it.
Speaker 1: But then you go to a restaurant with your friends
Speaker 1: and the chocolate cake is right there. Have you built
Speaker 1: the ability to say no, no because you haven't allowed
Speaker 1: yourself to And so that's such a small example, but
Speaker 1: you can imagine how that can make a difference in
Speaker 1: a lot in bigger and bigger issues. So, whether it's
Speaker 1: saying no to the chocolate cake, or whether it is
Speaker 1: saying no to a relationship that doesn't serve you, or
Speaker 1: whether it's getting out of that job that you don't
Speaker 1: want to be in, this it all plays a part,
Speaker 1: and it all makes a difference, and so do the
Speaker 1: damn hard thing. And I guarantee you you will not
Speaker 1: regret it, even if you struggle through it, even if
Speaker 1: you don't make it to the end of it. Guarantee you,
Speaker 1: through that process of trying to do it, you will
Speaker 1: have built up so much strength and resilience. Sending all
Speaker 1: so much love. I hope you have a really wonderful
Speaker 1: week filled with doing a few hard things, but more
Speaker 1: things that bring you joy, and hopefully the two can
Speaker 1: combine in some way. They don't live parallel. Hopefully at
Speaker 1: some point there is a lane for both of them
Speaker 1: to coexist. Have a wonderful, wonderful week. Sending you love
Speaker 1: and send me a DM would love to hear from
Speaker 1: you if you listen to this episode, let me know
Speaker 1: what hard thing you are about to do and whether
Speaker 1: you actually make it through and how it made you feel. Bye, guys,