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Speaker 1: Avoiding works. It keeps us safe, It keeps us sane,

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Speaker 1: it keeps us functioning, It stops us from having a breakdown.

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Speaker 1: I need to get to work. I can't cry right now.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to avoid what this is right now. But

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Speaker 1: the truth is that avoiding pain doesn't protect us from it.

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Speaker 1: I'm Radi Wukiah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry,

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Speaker 1: we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space

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Speaker 1: for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you

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Speaker 1: to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together.

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Speaker 1: Hey everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of

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Speaker 1: A Really Good Cry. Thank you so much for being here.

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Speaker 1: I appreciate it so much. I really feel like these

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Speaker 1: episodes end up being a little therapy session for myself,

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Speaker 1: and it really makes me more present in my day

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Speaker 1: to observe conversations that I'm having to observe people around me,

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Speaker 1: to really be present so that I'm able to absorb things,

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Speaker 1: digest them, and then share them with you. So I

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Speaker 1: appreciate that you're listening, and I truly hope that you

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Speaker 1: gain so much out of these episodes. And I would

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Speaker 1: so love to hear any feedback, or any recommendations of

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Speaker 1: topics you'd like to hear about or discuss on a

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Speaker 1: really good cry. Today's episode is actually based on a

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Speaker 1: DM that I received recently from someone saying that they

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Speaker 1: are on their healing journey, their self care journey, and

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Speaker 1: a big part of that has just been removing people

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Speaker 1: and things that she doesn't want to deal with, and

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Speaker 1: how that's actually been her way of setting boundaries. And

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Speaker 1: of course, as much as I respect that and understand

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Speaker 1: how necessary it is, it really got me thinking about

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Speaker 1: this self care healing era that we are in, especially

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Speaker 1: this online space that has been created about it, and

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Speaker 1: I think sometimes it's actually making us confuse healing with

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Speaker 1: the avoidance. We say it's a boundary, but really we're

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Speaker 1: just ghosting someone who challenged us. Or we say we're

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Speaker 1: protecting our peace, but what we're really doing is avoiding

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Speaker 1: hard conversations. We end up isolating and withdrawing and shutting

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Speaker 1: people out, and we end up calling it working on ourself.

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Speaker 1: And so I think the problem with the definition of

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Speaker 1: self care that has become quite viral online, and you know,

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Speaker 1: everyone's like, just shut people out, don't speak to people

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Speaker 1: that do this to you just making things very black

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Speaker 1: and white. I think the problem with this definition of

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Speaker 1: self care is that it's based on just something that

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Speaker 1: makes us feel good in the moment, and we all

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Speaker 1: know that not everything that feels good is necessarily good

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Speaker 1: for us in the long run, and usually, unfortunately, it

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Speaker 1: is the things that don't actually feel that great that

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Speaker 1: end up actually being good for us long term. So

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Speaker 1: I think we end up going to all these extreme

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Speaker 1: levels to just avoid pain in our life, and as

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Speaker 1: a way to make it okay, we've created this term

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Speaker 1: self care. We've covered it up in the illusion of

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Speaker 1: self care, But actually that seems like the opposite of healing,

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Speaker 1: doesn't it. Because I think true self care it's not

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Speaker 1: about building a life that's free from challenges or problems,

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Speaker 1: or issues or confrontations. It's about building the resilience to

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Speaker 1: move through those challenges that come because the fact is

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Speaker 1: that challenges are inevitable, issues are inevitable, confrontations are inevitable.

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Speaker 1: At some point in our life, We're going to be

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Speaker 1: faced with challenges and resistance in our life, and the

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Speaker 1: more that you avoid these, the less equipped you are

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Speaker 1: to deal with the next one and the next one

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Speaker 1: after that. And then you're kind of stuck in this

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Speaker 1: position where every time you do come across something like that,

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Speaker 1: you actually freeze, or you don't know how to deal

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Speaker 1: with it, or you just keep avoiding. And the problem

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Speaker 1: with avoiding is even if you choose a conscious level

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Speaker 1: not to acknowledge it, even if you choose at a

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Speaker 1: conscious level to leave the country, to go on holiday,

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Speaker 1: to stop speaking to that person, subconsciously, those little things

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Speaker 1: are building up in you. And so instead of creating

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Speaker 1: a way or a neural pathway to deal with these problems,

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Speaker 1: or a physical pathway to deal with these problems, we

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Speaker 1: end up creating ways out of it. So what does

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Speaker 1: that mean the next time we come into contact with

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Speaker 1: the same problem, Not only are we carrying the way

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Speaker 1: of the last thing, we also have absolutely no idea

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Speaker 1: how to handle it. It's like if you're trying to

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Speaker 1: fix something, you come across a broken light bulb in

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Speaker 1: your house, You're like, you know what, I'm going to

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Speaker 1: leave that till next time, And then you find another

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Speaker 1: broken light bulb and you're like, oh, man, if i'd

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Speaker 1: fix that first one, i'd probably know how to do

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Speaker 1: this one. Not only when I know how to do

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Speaker 1: it and have the tools in my house to do it.

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Speaker 1: It will also be done quicker, more efficiently and back

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Speaker 1: to how I need it to be way faster. And

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Speaker 1: so the bounce back, or the ability to actually work

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Speaker 1: through these issues as they come to us becomes easier,

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Speaker 1: more efficient, and also just builds this idea in our

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Speaker 1: head that damn, I can do this. I've done it before,

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Speaker 1: and I for sure can do it now because I've

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Speaker 1: got proof that I can do it, and look, I

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Speaker 1: get it. It's so normal to want to avoid pain.

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Speaker 1: Of course we want to avoid it. It's human nature

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Speaker 1: to want to avoid it. We are wired for survival

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Speaker 1: as humans, and we really do chase safety. We move

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Speaker 1: towards comfort and familiarity and away from anything that threatens that,

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Speaker 1: and that instinct is actually what's helped us survive as

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Speaker 1: a species. But in modern life and where we're at

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Speaker 1: right now emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually, that same instinct can

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Speaker 1: really backfire because when we spend our lives moving through

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Speaker 1: the world trying to avoid discomfort at all costs, we

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Speaker 1: don't just avoid pain, we also avoid growth, and sometimes

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Speaker 1: when you've been through a lot, avoidance becomes a coping strategy,

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Speaker 1: and a very useful one at that. It really does work.

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Speaker 1: Avoiding works. It keeps us safe, It keeps us sane,

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Speaker 1: it keeps us functioning. It stops us from having a breakdown.

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Speaker 1: I need to get to work. I can't cry right now.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to avoid what this is right now. But

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Speaker 1: do you come back to it, do you actually revisit

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Speaker 1: it at a time where you have this space, the safety,

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Speaker 1: and the ability to because if you don't, those things

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Speaker 1: are going to accumulate. And you know, avoidance can be

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Speaker 1: really subtle. It can look like overthinking, overworking, over controlling. Damn,

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Speaker 1: do I know this over controlling one. I've been there.

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Speaker 1: I do it very often, and then is definitely my

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Speaker 1: avoidance technique. Okay, I don't want to deal with the

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Speaker 1: fact that this person doesn't like me, So let me

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Speaker 1: try and control the situation and do things for them

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Speaker 1: and try and navigate this without having the conversation of

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Speaker 1: why let me just try and brush out of the carpet,

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Speaker 1: act like everything is normal and shower them with love.

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Speaker 1: Really bad avoidance technique, because that's overcompensating trying to control

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Speaker 1: the situation rather than just having the conversation. The conversation

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Speaker 1: probably would have been the easier option, but we try

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Speaker 1: to avoid things as much as possible because that feels

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Speaker 1: like the more uncomfortable situation. But you know what it

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Speaker 1: feels like, the more uncomfortable situation because I haven't gotten

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Speaker 1: used to doing it. The more you normalize these things,

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Speaker 1: the more you normalize there doing hard things, the more

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Speaker 1: you normalize turning towards the pain and the discomfort rather

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Speaker 1: than away from it, That then becomes your normal pathway.

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Speaker 1: That then becomes your normal reaction or the way that

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Speaker 1: you choose to deal with things, rather than the running,

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Speaker 1: rather than the overcompensating rather than over controlling, and so

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Speaker 1: actually you are just changing what your normality is. And

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Speaker 1: the only way you can do that is through consistency,

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Speaker 1: through constantly trying, through constantly choosing the hard eruption, and

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Speaker 1: then the hard eruption doesn't stay as hard and it

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Speaker 1: actually becomes the EASi eruption because that's what you've become

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Speaker 1: used to doing. Avoidance can also look like saying I

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Speaker 1: don't need anyone, when what you really mean is I

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Speaker 1: don't want to risk getting hurt again. And you know,

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Speaker 1: another unexpected way that this shows up is not wanting

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Speaker 1: to dig into the past, not wanting to dig into

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Speaker 1: these past traumas or feelings that we've had. I see

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Speaker 1: it so much, it feels like opening up an old wound.

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Speaker 1: And what is the point, right? Why do I need

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Speaker 1: to look backwards? It's over? Why go back? But I

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Speaker 1: don't really think that you can truly move forward if

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Speaker 1: you don't look into the past and resolve what you're

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Speaker 1: still carrying with you. And just because the moment has

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Speaker 1: passed does not mean it's not still living in your body,

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Speaker 1: in your nervous system, in the way that you respond

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Speaker 1: when someone gets too close, and the way that you

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Speaker 1: panic at the thought of failure, or in the way

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Speaker 1: that you doubt yourself even when things are going well.

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Speaker 1: Unprocessed pain from the past does not disappear. It really

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Speaker 1: echoes through you, and it shapes how you show up

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Speaker 1: in the present. It influences your relationships, your choices, and

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Speaker 1: your triggers now, so avoiding it might feel easier, but

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Speaker 1: it can be what is standing between you and the

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Speaker 1: life that you really want. Most of the time, because

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Speaker 1: of how fast paced the world is, we just think

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Speaker 1: if we try hard enough, we can dodge suffering. Altogether.

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Speaker 1: If we hustle enough, if we stay positive enough, if

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Speaker 1: we stay thin enough, if we stay and control enough,

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Speaker 1: we can bypass pain in some way, and that we

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Speaker 1: can be immune to heartbreak or failure or shame or

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Speaker 1: sadness or disappointment. We really try our best to avoid

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Speaker 1: in any way possible. But that's just not real and

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Speaker 1: it's not how life works. And I know that's not

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Speaker 1: easy to hear. It actually sucks because you want someone

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Speaker 1: to say, you know what, this can take all your

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Speaker 1: pain away, don't worry, you don't have to go through it.

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Speaker 1: And it's really not easy to feel. But the truth

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Speaker 1: is that avoiding pain doesn't protect us from it, and

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Speaker 1: it just delays it or shifts it into another form,

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Speaker 1: and so it could end up looking like pouring a

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Speaker 1: drink when you're stressed and that becoming your habit, or

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Speaker 1: walking away from relationships the moment they get hard, or

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Speaker 1: even the moment they get good, procrastinating on your dream

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Speaker 1: because you're terrified, or failing, or saying yes when you

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Speaker 1: just mean no, just to keep the peace. And honestly,

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Speaker 1: these mechanisms they really do work. They can work for

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Speaker 1: a really long time, and they can feel pretty good

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Speaker 1: at the time do but eventually they show up somewhere

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Speaker 1: in our life as anxiety, as fatigue, as an illness

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Speaker 1: in our relationships, distance, resentment, confusion. There is a long

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Speaker 1: list of how they can show up in us, but

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Speaker 1: the fact is they will at some point in time

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Speaker 1: of auidence just creates this illusion of peace, but it's

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Speaker 1: not peace. It's just pausing. And the cost of that

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Speaker 1: pause is often this long term disconnection from ourself and

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Speaker 1: the life that we're supposed to live. And you know what,

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Speaker 1: sometimes I would really think I was doing the hard thing.

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Speaker 1: I would be convinced that I was doing the hard thing.

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Speaker 1: Look at me, I'm working long hours, I'm hustling, I'm

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Speaker 1: showing up, I'm handling so much, I'm so busy all

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Speaker 1: the time. I'm doing such hard things. This is hard. Okay,

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Speaker 1: the work I'm doing is hard. And I would tell

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Speaker 1: myself that, and I would tell other people that, and yes,

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Speaker 1: it is hard, Okay. I'm not diminishing the fact they're

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Speaker 1: doing work or hustling isn't difficult. But sometimes we're choosing

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Speaker 1: the version of hard that's actually familiar, or the one

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Speaker 1: that gets us approval all the one that we think

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Speaker 1: looks hard, but actually internally it's not hard for us

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Speaker 1: at all, and deep down we know that this isn't

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Speaker 1: really my heart. My real hard is having that difficult

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Speaker 1: conversation that I have been avoiding for god knows how long.

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Speaker 1: My real heart is picking up the phone and calling

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Speaker 1: that person that caused me a lot of pain and

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Speaker 1: that I just need to have the last conversation with.

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Speaker 1: My real heart is sitting in silence instead of always

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Speaker 1: saying busy, busy, busy, so I don't have to listen

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Speaker 1: to my thoughts. My real hard is looking at why

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Speaker 1: I'm still repeating this same passion in my relationships over

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Speaker 1: and over again and saying it's bad luck. My real

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Speaker 1: heart is letting someone see me fully even when I'm

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Speaker 1: not put together. We get really good at doing hard

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Speaker 1: things that look impressive, but the real transformation only comes

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Speaker 1: when we start doing the hard things that feel uncomfortable.

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Speaker 1: And I want to read you a little apart from

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Speaker 1: the book Atomic Habits. I'm sure you've heard of it.

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Speaker 1: It's been on New York Times bestsellers for Lord knows

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Speaker 1: how long, a long long time years, I think, And

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Speaker 1: he says, the ability to do hard things is perhaps

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Speaker 1: the most useful ability you can foster in yourself or

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Speaker 1: your children, and proof that you are someone who can

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Speaker 1: do them is one of the most useful assets you

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Speaker 1: can have on your life resume. Our self image is

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Speaker 1: composed of historical evidence of our abilities. The more hard

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Speaker 1: things you push yourself to do, the more competent you

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Speaker 1: will see yourself to be. So it also helps to

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Speaker 1: build confidence. By the way, that's what it's saying. The

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Speaker 1: more hard things you do, the more you see yourself

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Speaker 1: being competent to do them, the more confident you are

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Speaker 1: in your ability. And if you can run marathons or

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Speaker 1: throw double your body weight over your head, the sleep

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Speaker 1: deprivation from a newborn is only a mild irritant. If

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Speaker 1: you can excel at organic chemistry or econometrics, onboarding for

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Speaker 1: a new finance job will be a breeze. But if

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Speaker 1: we avoid these hard things, anything mildly challenging will seem unsurmountable.

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Speaker 1: We're trying to TikTok over an errant period at the

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Speaker 1: end of a text message. We'll see ourselves as incapable

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Speaker 1: of learning new skills, taking on new careers, and escaping

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Speaker 1: bad situations. The proof you can do hard things is

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Speaker 1: one of the most powerful gifts that you can give yourself.

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Speaker 1: I thought that was pretty great, really well explained, actually

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Speaker 1: in one paragraph maybe two so well explained. And so

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Speaker 1: avoiding pain may feel like self protection, but over time

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Speaker 1: it just becomes self abandonment. So if you are in

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Speaker 1: a season that feels messy, if you're in the middle

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Speaker 1: of something tender or real or raw, do not run

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Speaker 1: from it. This is your reminder, your loving reminder, not

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Speaker 1: to run from it. Just stay in it, breathe in it,

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Speaker 1: and let it. The more you turn toward what is difficult,

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Speaker 1: the more you turn toward the hard the less control

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Speaker 1: it has over you. And you know what. You fear

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Speaker 1: what you don't know. You fear what you haven't done.

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Speaker 1: But as soon as you know it and as soon

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Speaker 1: as you've done it, it's always less scary that marathon,

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Speaker 1: the exam, the driving test, I don't know, the relationship

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Speaker 1: that you're too scared to get into. The more familiar

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Speaker 1: it becomes, the less control it has over you, and

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Speaker 1: the easier it is to address it. So give yourself

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Speaker 1: the opportunity to build that resilience and to build that

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Speaker 1: belief in yourself that you can do hard things. If

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Speaker 1: you know what, wake up every single day, wake up

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Speaker 1: every single day and look at yourself and say, you

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Speaker 1: can do hard things. If I'm honest, I do that

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Speaker 1: a lot. There are so many things that I've done

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Speaker 1: in my life that I never ever believed that I

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Speaker 1: could do that. I thought in my dreams that I

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Speaker 1: would not be able to do. I never even dreamt

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Speaker 1: of doing them. And yet I found myself coming into

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Speaker 1: a situation where I got asked to or where I

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Speaker 1: was where life took me, and I thought, never thought

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Speaker 1: I'd have to deal with this, never thought that I'd

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Speaker 1: have to go through something like this, never thought this

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Speaker 1: opportunity would come my way. And how sad I look back,

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Speaker 1: and I think how sad would have been if I

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Speaker 1: just said, no, I'm too scared, No, this is too difficult. No,

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Speaker 1: actually I don't want to try it. It's some familiar,

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Speaker 1: it's scary. I'm gonna just leave it there. But the

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Speaker 1: more I've done, and the thing is, it trickles into everything,

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Speaker 1: you know, That's what's so interesting. It really moves through

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Speaker 1: your entire life. You do something difficult in one area,

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Speaker 1: it shows up in the other area. You do something

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Speaker 1: difficult in your personal life, you could show up better physically.

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Speaker 1: You do something physical that's difficult, like working out and

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Speaker 1: pushing yourself. There guarantee you that resilience shows through in

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Speaker 1: your work, in your relationships, in your ability to show

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Speaker 1: up and do difficult things in any other area. It

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Speaker 1: applies everywhere. So yes, okay, maybe you say no to

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Speaker 1: something that made you scared, but try to show up

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Speaker 1: somewhere else in a way that feels more comfortable. Maybe

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Speaker 1: you said no to speaking in public, but you chose

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Speaker 1: to go a little harder at the gym. Be proud

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Speaker 1: of that. You're still trying to do hard things, and

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Speaker 1: that's what's important. The more we stay in this place

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Speaker 1: of comfort, the more we stay in this place of

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Speaker 1: protection and just avoidance. Actually we're doing ourselves a disservice.

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Speaker 1: You think you're doing yourself a service. Let me hide away.

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Speaker 1: It's like saying you're going to go to the middle

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Speaker 1: of a forest because you don't want to get tempted

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Speaker 1: by anything. This example is given a lot in our scriptures,

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Speaker 1: and I always hear the monks talk about this, where

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Speaker 1: it's no use trying to take yourself out of your

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Speaker 1: desires or the things that tempt you lock yourself away

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Speaker 1: in a cupboard or a dark room, and your mind

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Speaker 1: is still going to have that. Your mind is still

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Speaker 1: going to have those thoughts, and so better that you

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Speaker 1: actually build up the protection mechanisms for when you actually

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Speaker 1: do come in contact with them, so you have the strength,

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Speaker 1: the resistance, the skills, the tools, the ability to protect

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Speaker 1: yourself against it. No point just stopping yourself from being

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Speaker 1: around it, because at that point you're creating a false environment.

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Speaker 1: What use is that, Oh, I don't want to eat chocolates,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to stop myself from even looking at it.

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Speaker 1: But then you go to a restaurant with your friends

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Speaker 1: and the chocolate cake is right there. Have you built

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Speaker 1: the ability to say no, no because you haven't allowed

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Speaker 1: yourself to And so that's such a small example, but

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Speaker 1: you can imagine how that can make a difference in

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Speaker 1: a lot in bigger and bigger issues. So, whether it's

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Speaker 1: saying no to the chocolate cake, or whether it is

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Speaker 1: saying no to a relationship that doesn't serve you, or

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Speaker 1: whether it's getting out of that job that you don't

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Speaker 1: want to be in, this it all plays a part,

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Speaker 1: and it all makes a difference, and so do the

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Speaker 1: damn hard thing. And I guarantee you you will not

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Speaker 1: regret it, even if you struggle through it, even if

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Speaker 1: you don't make it to the end of it. Guarantee you,

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Speaker 1: through that process of trying to do it, you will

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Speaker 1: have built up so much strength and resilience. Sending all

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Speaker 1: so much love. I hope you have a really wonderful

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Speaker 1: week filled with doing a few hard things, but more

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Speaker 1: things that bring you joy, and hopefully the two can

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Speaker 1: combine in some way. They don't live parallel. Hopefully at

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Speaker 1: some point there is a lane for both of them

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Speaker 1: to coexist. Have a wonderful, wonderful week. Sending you love

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Speaker 1: and send me a DM would love to hear from

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Speaker 1: you if you listen to this episode, let me know

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Speaker 1: what hard thing you are about to do and whether

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Speaker 1: you actually make it through and how it made you feel. Bye, guys,