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Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. I'm welcome to stuff

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Speaker 1: I've never told you protection of I heart radio, and

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Speaker 1: it is time for another happy hour, or maybe like

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Speaker 1: a decently okay hour. It's not an unhappy hour. I

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Speaker 1: think it was like the title would not would not

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Speaker 1: would say otherwise the title would And actually I don't

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Speaker 1: know that I'm going to name this, but the original

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Speaker 1: title was here a coward Annie. I did not like this.

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Speaker 1: I had nothing to do with this. This is all Annie, Yes,

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Speaker 1: this is all mine. But I do think I'll be

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Speaker 1: interested if you have similar thoughts about this. Um. And

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Speaker 1: actually this is related to previous happy hours we've done

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Speaker 1: in Monday Minia think one on superstition, women in Superstition, um.

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Speaker 1: And another is just my recent happy r I did

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Speaker 1: about like a grief check in on sad murder dads

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Speaker 1: of course, UM, because I kind of have an update

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Speaker 1: that is a tie of both of those that gives

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Speaker 1: you any ins of what we're gonna talk about. Um.

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Speaker 1: But before we get into that, Uh, Samantha, what are

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Speaker 1: you steping on? I have decided I am going to

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Speaker 1: do both the upper and the downer with a coffee

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Speaker 1: like a drink yeah. Yeah, So I had my coffee

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Speaker 1: from this morning and I made that with some off

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Speaker 1: brand Bailey's Thank You Costco not a sponsor, um, but

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Speaker 1: and then added some caramel to it, so it's like

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Speaker 1: a you know, a boozy camel marciato ish and I

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Speaker 1: had a little bit of caramel syrup on tops. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: fancy a straw time, judge me, I will not, like

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Speaker 1: you're already like preparing for it. Has a little sille

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Speaker 1: cone tops, so we won't hurt my I think that

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Speaker 1: is important. Yes, and as always, drink responsibly. And yeah,

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Speaker 1: to clarify, we were not currently sponsored by anything we're mentioning.

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Speaker 1: We do have dynamic sponsors, which means that could change

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Speaker 1: at the future date UM, but currently not sponsored by

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Speaker 1: people were mentioning. We're not aware of that right now.

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Speaker 1: That would be anything. I'm drinking kind of a fancy

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Speaker 1: speke lemonade. I guess because my my good friend Marissa,

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Speaker 1: who has been on the show I've mentioned a lot.

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Speaker 1: Actually this is kind of related. She she and another

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Speaker 1: friend of mine stayed with me on the anniversary of

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Speaker 1: my dad's death and we got fa and I always

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Speaker 1: drink a shot of vodka on that day because the

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Speaker 1: last thing we ever talked about. Um. Surprisingly, he wasn't

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Speaker 1: a big drinker. Actually, he drink Lambrusco. So I think

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Speaker 1: that's what I'm gonna do for his birthday, even though

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Speaker 1: it really like Clamberski, but I'll do it. Um. But

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Speaker 1: she stayed with me that day. She writ to the

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Speaker 1: liquor store to get this stuff and she came back

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Speaker 1: with an assortment of things that was kind of comical,

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Speaker 1: but one of them was very nice sparkling lemonade, non alcoholics.

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Speaker 1: So all I did was took some of that, mixed

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Speaker 1: it with some gin, puts mice in there. So that's it.

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Speaker 1: But it's very refreshing on this quite hot day in

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Speaker 1: my studio recording area, which, by the way, I need

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Speaker 1: to you and I. As we've mentioned, i've been talking

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Speaker 1: a lot about seeing depictions of podcasters and media. I

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Speaker 1: know I texted you, but we need to talk about bodies, bodies,

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Speaker 1: bodies after this and the podcaster and I actually do

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Speaker 1: have a an episode and a mini plant on the

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Speaker 1: kind of current wave of elevated horror and me too

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Speaker 1: and horror, So that's coming up, so look forward to that. Um,

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Speaker 1: we've talked about that a lot we have, and we've

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Speaker 1: talked about some on not at all surprising. Um, we

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Speaker 1: talked about someone here. But I've just noticed kind of

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Speaker 1: a theme. I have watched quite a few horror movies lately.

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Speaker 1: And I know everyone's like you always watched a lot

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Speaker 1: of horor movies, it's been more. It's been like a

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Speaker 1: lot even for me. Everybody to talk about a horror

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Speaker 1: movie like I watched it. I watched it. I watched

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Speaker 1: it that night. Yes, I was supposed to go on

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Speaker 1: a break, a horror movie break on Monday, and then

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Speaker 1: I didn't. Um, maybe today today is Tuesday, so we'll

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Speaker 1: try again. Brief content warnings, some mentions of grief, but

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Speaker 1: pretty light in this one. UM. I think it would

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Speaker 1: be kind of a comical thing, but you know, you

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Speaker 1: never know with us. Uh. So, Yes, I had this

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Speaker 1: anniversary of my dad's death and my friend Marissa was there,

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Speaker 1: Katie was there, and I had that letter un mentioned

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Speaker 1: in the previous one that it unopened. UM. And this

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Speaker 1: is where that you're a coward and he comes from. UM.

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Speaker 1: Because I just feel like a lot of our relationship

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Speaker 1: was determined by me being too afraid to face my emotions.

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Speaker 1: For reasons I think are justified, but you know, ultimately

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Speaker 1: being afraid. Um and Mersa opened it and read it

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Speaker 1: and it was fine, but I did kind of go

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Speaker 1: on a bit of a rant. I talked some trash, Samantha.

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Speaker 1: I talked some trash about about my dad. UM, And

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Speaker 1: that night I felt very guilty and it was hard

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Speaker 1: to sleep, and eventually I fell into like it felt

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Speaker 1: very feverish sleep, and when I woke up, my face

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Speaker 1: was so swoll and I couldn't open my eyes. Um,

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Speaker 1: and I had been bitten by either an aunt or

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Speaker 1: a spider. And I kid you not. The first thing

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Speaker 1: I thought was, this is payback. This is some universe payback.

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Speaker 1: My dad was mad at me that I said those things,

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Speaker 1: and he cursed some aunt or spider. He possessed a

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Speaker 1: spider to bite me in the He's a my sleep,

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Speaker 1: completely rational, right, But I've just noticed, like I'm not

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Speaker 1: somebody I know, we talked about this in our superstition one.

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Speaker 1: I really don't believe in that stuff. I don't, But

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Speaker 1: at the same time, I do watch a lot of

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Speaker 1: horror movies and I'm also just like, well, I mess

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Speaker 1: with it, right, Why why I'm mess with it, and

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Speaker 1: I have noticed that, like a lot of guilt ill feel.

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Speaker 1: Even if I remember when my dad died, I kept

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Speaker 1: being like, we're going to remember him as he was

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Speaker 1: not a standardized memory. And now if I say anything negative,

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Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, Spider is gonna sleep. And then I

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Speaker 1: happened to break two toes separately on the same foot,

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Speaker 1: and I just kept thinking, like, this is it. He's

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Speaker 1: still mad, He's still mad about what IM saying, And uh,

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Speaker 1: I think I don't know. I've just noticed a lot

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Speaker 1: of a lot of my thoughts around it. Even if

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Speaker 1: I don't believe. I was raised to be religious and spiritual,

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Speaker 1: so I'll catch myself thinking like he'd be so ashamed

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Speaker 1: of what I'm doing right now, Like, oh, he'd think

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Speaker 1: you've done nothing through life. Like the episode we did

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Speaker 1: about college student debt, he was a college professor, so

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Speaker 1: I had to go back and re record a thing

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Speaker 1: to be like my dad was a professor. Like it's

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Speaker 1: just always there and it's the worst time sometimes to

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Speaker 1: this guilt, I tell you, which I think you know,

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Speaker 1: I think it makes sense because humans try to find

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Speaker 1: like this is very indicative of who I am as

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Speaker 1: a person. We always try to find patterns where there

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Speaker 1: might not be patterns because it can protect us in

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Speaker 1: the future. In the future, So I don't know. I

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Speaker 1: guess now I'll just be worried about ants anytime I

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Speaker 1: just say something. And so much of my life has

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Speaker 1: been about keeping him happy and making sure he didn't leave.

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Speaker 1: And I guess that's not There's a part of me

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Speaker 1: that thought that would just go away because now he's gone,

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Speaker 1: So why why do I still feel this way? But

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Speaker 1: it was also a lot of my life and especially

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Speaker 1: a lot of my relationship with him. Um, And I

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Speaker 1: was talking about that with my friends and how I

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Speaker 1: just feel like I can't let it go even now,

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Speaker 1: and how I'll still question, like, oh is he Is

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Speaker 1: he embarrassed by this? Or is he proud of this?

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Speaker 1: As if he's still alive. It's kind of strange. Um

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Speaker 1: that makes sense, It totally makes sense, but it's also silly.

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Speaker 1: And when I was like, I literally I told you

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Speaker 1: and Eves because you saw me the day after that

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Speaker 1: and spider bite, I was like, I but I think

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Speaker 1: my dad base Yeah, you know, yeah, if that's what

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Speaker 1: the afterlife is, it's just possessing in sects threak havoc

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Speaker 1: minor havoc. It wasn't minor in the moment, I'll tell

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Speaker 1: you that, but it passed. It passed, and I do,

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Speaker 1: like I do miss him, and I really like, I

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Speaker 1: really have felt like I've missed him lately and I

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Speaker 1: loved him. That's something that I think a lot of

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Speaker 1: women feel like we have to do. But people in general,

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Speaker 1: you have to give the qualifier, like you, you can't

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Speaker 1: just say something negative. There has to be the I

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Speaker 1: love him. I do, but you know, and I didn't

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Speaker 1: do that that night, so there it is. Yeah. I mean,

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Speaker 1: we've talked about the fact that what do you do

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Speaker 1: when you if you feel somewhat relieved about someone's death

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Speaker 1: and then you feel absolutely horrible and guilt ridden, especially

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Speaker 1: if it's someone's close to you. Uh, the same thing

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Speaker 1: as when they're martyred and you're like, they were not

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Speaker 1: a good person. Just because he died doesn't mean he

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Speaker 1: was a good person or they were good people. I

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Speaker 1: feel like we need to remember that, we should show

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Speaker 1: we don't have to be completely disrespectful, but we don't

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Speaker 1: have to pretend otherwise. But it's hard, It's definitely hard.

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Speaker 1: He's uppecially with people who has love and empathy in

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Speaker 1: trying to show a societal norm or normal reaction to things.

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Speaker 1: So it's really even harder because saying it out loud

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Speaker 1: feels so foreign for us. It does, it does, and

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Speaker 1: it's also complicated when you're really close with a person

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Speaker 1: like my dad was a really complix I mean, everybody's complex,

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Speaker 1: but this is really complex, and we had many great

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Speaker 1: memories together. But I also was, as part of his

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Speaker 1: immediate family, more aware of certain things than like people

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Speaker 1: not as close to him in the family, where so

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Speaker 1: it's strange if they don't know that you don't want

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Speaker 1: to be like high at the funeral, I've got some

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Speaker 1: bad Yeah, but that makes it so you feel like

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Speaker 1: you can't totally express uh yourself. And I know for

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Speaker 1: we talked about that in the Dutiful Daughter episode. Like

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Speaker 1: there's a lot of performance that can go into grief

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Speaker 1: for many people, and those kinds of instances like wakes

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Speaker 1: and funerals, it's hard and honestly, like I remember mostly

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Speaker 1: just being tired. But that does make it really complicated

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Speaker 1: when you you have the kind of decision of like

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Speaker 1: do I let so I let them live, not knowing this,

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Speaker 1: is it worth telling them this? And in general I

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Speaker 1: would in my personal I don't want to give advice

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Speaker 1: to anybody. I think it's not worth telling them. And

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Speaker 1: something changes, I don't think it's worth it. Um. But

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Speaker 1: that does mean it doesn't get a bit more complicated,

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Speaker 1: especially when these kind of grieving touchstones come up, um,

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Speaker 1: where people are checking in and and and I think

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Speaker 1: that was a part of the thing that made that

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Speaker 1: night harder for me when I was with my friends

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Speaker 1: is that they knew him too. They we grew up

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Speaker 1: together and they didn't know him. They know him right,

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Speaker 1: and so to be like that open about some of

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Speaker 1: that stuff which I had never told them, it made

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Speaker 1: it felt like a betrayal almost, because they were looking

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Speaker 1: at me like what I didn't know this. I'm making

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Speaker 1: it sound like really bad. It's bad, but it's not anything.

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Speaker 1: It's fine, but still like when you have someone on

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Speaker 1: ideal of someone anything, not perfect anything, and again it's

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Speaker 1: not awful, but it's no way it's awful. It's pretty bad.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I want to say this as a person

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Speaker 1: on the outside knowing what this is, we like, okay,

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Speaker 1: it's not it wasn't violent, but it was a violation

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Speaker 1: to your entire family and to you. So I'm like,

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Speaker 1: it's pretty bad. It's pretty bad. People have made movies.

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Speaker 1: So if I get bitten on the face by an anton,

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Speaker 1: well I guess you should be coming after me. But

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Speaker 1: I'm just saying there are Hallmark movies about this, and

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Speaker 1: then some yeah I'm sorry, but you know, like I

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Speaker 1: don't want you to underplay it either, predicting like it's

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Speaker 1: not a big deal and you're just having a natural

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Speaker 1: complaint of oh, um, my dad didn't read me bedtime stories.

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Speaker 1: You know, that's not what's happening here, like your anger is,

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Speaker 1: and I don't want them tosariate righteous, but it's justified,

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Speaker 1: like I absolutely justified to the core, and me, as

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Speaker 1: a person who holds onto things, I would be even

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Speaker 1: more enraged. Yeah, yeah, I mean, it's it's just I

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Speaker 1: guess I because we're not talking. The reason we're not

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Speaker 1: talking about it is because obviously I still have a

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Speaker 1: lot of guilt about it, but also because I come

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Speaker 1: from a small town. People listen, so I'm not But

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Speaker 1: the reason I said that, yeah, again, it's not like

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Speaker 1: something super violent or really I do think like my

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Speaker 1: mom and I talked about about the anniversary soon after,

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Speaker 1: and we talked about how we felt like we couldn't

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Speaker 1: be totally open with our grief because we're always comparing

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Speaker 1: it to other people's grief, which is something we've also

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Speaker 1: talked about here, and I think a lot of a

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Speaker 1: lot of women, especially do UM. So I guess it's

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Speaker 1: in part that. And also even even then, I was

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Speaker 1: thinking about the two people I was talking to, was like,

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Speaker 1: I should be talking about this because they have this

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Speaker 1: issue where they have this problem. They don't need to

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Speaker 1: hear this. Um. But also I was I'm really bad

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Speaker 1: at awkward silences, and after the letter has been read,

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Speaker 1: there was quite an awkward silence. So I just like

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Speaker 1: every like story going out, that's funny. And then eventually

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Speaker 1: it just stopped and they were like, well, I guess

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Speaker 1: we'll leave. Looks good, that's very good. No, No, it

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Speaker 1: was clear. I think I needed to, like rist I

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Speaker 1: needed some miss um an ointment. Oh gosh, I got

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Speaker 1: the toe. The toe. You should see it, Samantha. It

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Speaker 1: is not pretty. Um, I can't, but I don't know.

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Speaker 1: I think. I guess it was kind of a surprise

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Speaker 1: to me that I still had such of the you know,

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Speaker 1: the thing we talked about and dutiful daughter of Like

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Speaker 1: is he proud? Is he disappointed? Is he is he

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Speaker 1: like watching me read this fan fiction? Like is he

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Speaker 1: mad that I'm saying these things? Which I as a person.

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Speaker 1: He's not really religious or spiritual at all. I was

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Speaker 1: kind of surprised by. But I mean it makes sense

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Speaker 1: to me. It's hard to just let that stuff go.

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Speaker 1: And memories are every where. Like I often say, memories

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Speaker 1: can be like a ghost is haunting you, um, because

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Speaker 1: you see that person everywhere. Um, and even in my

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Speaker 1: habits and things that I like. Sometimes it's I'll dream

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Speaker 1: that we're together and we're talking about a thing that

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Speaker 1: I did that day because it was something we would

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Speaker 1: have done or talked about her that he liked. Um.

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Speaker 1: So it makes sense, but I kind of want to

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Speaker 1: share because I'm just curious. I'm sure a lot of

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Speaker 1: you listeners have had similar experiences where like you've broken

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Speaker 1: a toe and thought, even if you don't really believe it,

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Speaker 1: the ghost of this person. For me, it's more like

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Speaker 1: immediate karma that I deserve that and just walk away.

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Speaker 1: I don't know how much like because I've got two

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Speaker 1: broken toes in a pretty serious aunt slash fighter bite.

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Speaker 1: How much more do you think I have to go? On? Lord?

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Speaker 1: Oh jeez, Well we'll see um, but you don't you

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Speaker 1: by a bite has cleared, it has there's still a

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Speaker 1: little bump, but I also I don't see anything. Okay,

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Speaker 1: Well that's good, that's good progress. Well, cheers to that.

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Speaker 1: Cheers cheers. Yeah, sometimes cheers are strange, but we'll do

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Speaker 1: it anyway. And yes, as always, listeners, thank you for

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Speaker 1: joining us in these happy Hours segments. If you would

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Speaker 1: like to contact us, we would love to hear from you.

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Speaker 1: Our email is Stephanie A mom Stuff at I Hurt

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Speaker 1: me dot com. You can find us on Twitter at

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Speaker 1: mom Stuff podcast or on Instagram at stuff I've Never

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Speaker 1: Told You Things. As always to our super producer, Christy,

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Speaker 1: you know I'm cheers to YouTube. Cheers to YouTube, Christina,

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Speaker 1: and thanks to you for listening stuff on Never Told

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Speaker 1: the Respection. But I Heart Radio for more podcast In

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Speaker 1: My Heart Radio, you can listen to me I Heart

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Speaker 1: Radio app Apple podcast, or you listen to your favorite shows.

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Speaker 1: No