Speaker 1: And to make things worse, I'm the one. I'm the
Speaker 1: one that pulled the plug on the life support. How
Speaker 1: could I be such an idiot? How could I have
Speaker 1: done that? What's up? Guys? Welcome back to the podcast,
Speaker 1: Episode one hundred and eighty nine. One hundred and eighty nine,
Speaker 1: or some people say one hundred and eighty nine. I
Speaker 1: say one hundred and eighty nine. I appreciate you guys coming.
Speaker 1: I love doing these podcasts and it doesn't feel like
Speaker 1: I've done that many, even though I've been with you
Speaker 1: guys for a long time now, answering your questions, and
Speaker 1: that's kind of the format of this podcast. If you're new,
Speaker 1: is you email me Grangersmith podcast at gmail dot com
Speaker 1: and I'll put it in the queue and it could
Speaker 1: be about anything in life, really, and we'll talk about
Speaker 1: it in long form, like we're sitting around a campfire. Right.
Speaker 1: I want to say too that I'm very excited expectant
Speaker 1: about this book, my book Like a River, coming out
Speaker 1: on August the first, and the reason I mentioned that
Speaker 1: here is because a lot of the questions that I get,
Speaker 1: especially the ones about struggle or grief or loss or anxiety,
Speaker 1: A lot of these things are going to be addressed
Speaker 1: in the book that happened to me, right, It's there's
Speaker 1: going to be very personal experiences with me. And so
Speaker 1: we have a couple more months of me doing a
Speaker 1: podcast without that book out, and I'm so excited because
Speaker 1: once it does, it's going to be a conversation starter
Speaker 1: and it's going to allow me in many ways to say, hey,
Speaker 1: check out the book. Check out the book, and then
Speaker 1: ask that question again to me with the new perspective
Speaker 1: of what you know from the book. I think that's
Speaker 1: going to be very helpful. I think that's going to
Speaker 1: push this podcast even further along and we'll be able
Speaker 1: to go to new depths of conversation. That's what I think.
Speaker 1: And for those of you that don't read, or you're
Speaker 1: not into reading at all, I'm also recording the audiobook version,
Speaker 1: so you'll be able to get both of those on
Speaker 1: August first. So yeah, it's called like a River. Super
Speaker 1: excited about that. And let's jump into the first question
Speaker 1: here in the queue. I don't have notes in front
Speaker 1: of me, I don't have famous quotes or answers to
Speaker 1: tough questions. I'm just I'm just going to go for
Speaker 1: it here. This one actually just came in like twelve
Speaker 1: minutes ago, and so I was like, oh, one just
Speaker 1: came in right before I hit record, and I might
Speaker 1: as well just read that. And I read these for
Speaker 1: the first time in front of you guys, so you're
Speaker 1: hearing it at the same time that I'm reading it.
Speaker 1: Subject line on this first one says mental health and
Speaker 1: work with mental health with work and life balance. Hey Greiner.
Speaker 1: First off, I'm a big fan of your music and
Speaker 1: podcasts and find peace from listening to your podcast while
Speaker 1: at work. I'm a deputy sheriff at a rural law
Speaker 1: enforcement agency in Utah. With that being said, I have
Speaker 1: a front row seat to the worst things that this
Speaker 1: life has to offer, but have also seen things I
Speaker 1: can only describe as miracles. On top of work, my
Speaker 1: wife and I have been experiencing reoccurring pregnancy, loss, and
Speaker 1: miscarriage over the past few years. We do have a
Speaker 1: beautiful daughter who is now five years old. I feel
Speaker 1: mentally strong most days, but still struggle. I'm not a
Speaker 1: religious person due to experiences in my youth with organized religion,
Speaker 1: but feel great while listening to the words that you
Speaker 1: share in your podcast, your music has hit a special
Speaker 1: place in my heart lately, especially Tailgate Church. Pew, how
Speaker 1: do you recommend keeping my mental health strong? Can't wait
Speaker 1: to see you in Salt Lake on June The second
Speaker 1: says thanks Blake from Utah, and Blake, thank you for
Speaker 1: your service. You have seen things that I can't imagine.
Speaker 1: So all of us here at the podcast thank you
Speaker 1: for what you do. What you have chosen to do
Speaker 1: the line of work you've chosen to do to not
Speaker 1: only put your your own life at risk, but you
Speaker 1: are putting your mental health at risk by seeing things
Speaker 1: so that other people don't have to see them. Right.
Speaker 1: That's tough, and so I can't begin to act like
Speaker 1: I know what you go through on a daily basis. Literally,
Speaker 1: you wake up, you go to work, and you don't
Speaker 1: know if that day you're going to see something really bad,
Speaker 1: or experience something really bad, or even physically experience something bad.
Speaker 1: So there's not an easy answer to that. And when
Speaker 1: you say, I think what you're trying to say too
Speaker 1: is hey, Grangeer, don't give me the religious stuff. I
Speaker 1: think that's what you're kind of saying. And you've heard
Speaker 1: this podcast a lot, so you know you know the
Speaker 1: direction I lean, but you have to understand that by
Speaker 1: asking me, hey Granger, give me your mental health analysis
Speaker 1: without being religious. That's that's like saying, hey Granger, I
Speaker 1: know you love you love soup, but I don't. I
Speaker 1: don't deal with bulls and spoons, So give me the
Speaker 1: soup on a plate, you know, Like, that's that's what
Speaker 1: I'm trying to do. So I'm gonna try to give
Speaker 1: you first. I'm gonna give you the spoon first. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna give you the soup on a plate and see
Speaker 1: how far we get with that. Right. Community is so
Speaker 1: important for you to stay involved with other men and
Speaker 1: women that have seen things that you have seen that
Speaker 1: I have experienced, things that you have experienced, and you
Speaker 1: talk through it. I can't I can't imagine just how
Speaker 1: important and that would be for you to have some
Speaker 1: kind of support group that other than your wife. Because
Speaker 1: there's certain things you're just not going to tell your wife.
Speaker 1: There's certain certain roads you're not going to walk down
Speaker 1: with her, like hey, babe, let me let me tell
Speaker 1: you about this horrible thing I said, because you don't
Speaker 1: want to drag her into it. But there needs to
Speaker 1: be at its simplest form a text thread with four
Speaker 1: or five, six, seven people, it's like, hey, man, how's
Speaker 1: everybody's week going? Man, guys, I saw something crazy on Tuesday?
Speaker 1: What was it? Yeah? I saw this and this and
Speaker 1: this and then someone else. Go. Man, I saw something
Speaker 1: similar to that back in December of twenty seventeen. What'd
Speaker 1: you do about it? Man? To be honest with you,
Speaker 1: you know, I still think about it, but I did
Speaker 1: this and this. Oh that's helpful, you know, like that
Speaker 1: that kind of community is so important for humans because
Speaker 1: on one level, it just reminds us that we're not
Speaker 1: in this alone. We're not in anything alone. There's always
Speaker 1: someone walking a similar path, a parallel path in some
Speaker 1: way to what you're doing. So, Man, you might have
Speaker 1: this blake, but you might not. And so I want
Speaker 1: to tell you that having that kind of community if guys,
Speaker 1: and I say guys, probably more importantly guys than girls,
Speaker 1: because you are a guy and you don't want to
Speaker 1: you don't want to confide in a girl with emotional things.
Speaker 1: That's that could lead to bad stuff. So I'm saying
Speaker 1: predominantly guys, you're you're going to be just pouring in
Speaker 1: and just checking up on them and you helping them
Speaker 1: and supporting them is just as helpful for your own
Speaker 1: mental health. So, for instance, someone goes, hey, Blake, man,
Speaker 1: I uh, I got into some bad stuff the other day.
Speaker 1: I gotta I drove up on a bad call and
Speaker 1: I'm really struggling with it. So then you, Blake, you
Speaker 1: hear that, and you go tell me about it, talk
Speaker 1: about lets talk about let me let me give you
Speaker 1: some thoughts about that, and let me give you You
Speaker 1: don't have to fix the problem, you don't have to
Speaker 1: give them a solution, but you can. You could say,
Speaker 1: let me just listen to you for a little bit,
Speaker 1: let me just hear what you got to say. And
Speaker 1: through this, as that person goes is the phone call
Speaker 1: starts wrapping up and they say, hey, Blake, I appreciate
Speaker 1: you man, thank you, thank you for listening. And then
Speaker 1: right then boom, there's like a little spark inside of
Speaker 1: you that goes, man, Actually I feel better myself for
Speaker 1: my own stuff that I got going on. I feel
Speaker 1: better for helping you and make it and helping you
Speaker 1: to feel better. It's it's weird as humans how that works. It.
Speaker 1: You know, it's like we forgive and then we feel forgiven.
Speaker 1: We we relieve someone of their guilt and then we
Speaker 1: feel less guilt on our part. We compliment someone and
Speaker 1: we feel we feel that gratitude come back to us.
Speaker 1: It's very interesting how this happens. It's almost like it's
Speaker 1: connected to the Gospel in some way. It's almost like
Speaker 1: Jesus said, love others as you love yourself. It's almost
Speaker 1: like he said that in a way that's not just philosophical,
Speaker 1: but it's in a way that maybe he knows our makeup,
Speaker 1: he knows how we were created in a way, how
Speaker 1: we're programmed in a way to respond to this kind
Speaker 1: of this kind of stuff strange, right. I don't want
Speaker 1: to I don't want to end the question here with
Speaker 1: eating soup out of a plate. I do want to
Speaker 1: mention Blake that you said you have seen things you
Speaker 1: could only describe as miracles. I want to say, I
Speaker 1: want to want to point that out. I want to
Speaker 1: point out that you're you have been struggling in your
Speaker 1: own personal life, not just work, but with your wife
Speaker 1: and family. And then I want to kind of highlight
Speaker 1: that you say I'm not a religious person due to
Speaker 1: experiences in my youth with organized religion, I'm assuming you're
Speaker 1: talking about the Mormon Church. In fact, I know you are,
Speaker 1: and I want to highlight the fact that Jesus was
Speaker 1: not religious. In fact, he was against the extreme organized
Speaker 1: religion of the Pharisees and Sadducees. I want to highlight
Speaker 1: that and just kind of put a pebble in your
Speaker 1: shoe as you're walking, so that you could remember that
Speaker 1: experiences you had in your youth due to organized religion.
Speaker 1: Those are your words. Have nothing to do with God.
Speaker 1: It has everything to do with man's misinterpretation of how
Speaker 1: to worship God. I'm going to leave it at that.
Speaker 1: I'm assuming we're going to get on some kind of
Speaker 1: subject like this more in the podcast, but I want
Speaker 1: to kind of leave it with that and leave you
Speaker 1: with a plate full of soup and blake. I hope
Speaker 1: we can keep in touch, and I know I'm going
Speaker 1: to see you in Salt Lake on June second, so
Speaker 1: looking forward to that, brother. All right, let's go to
Speaker 1: another question here. The subject line says, how do I
Speaker 1: keep myself together? They grant your My name is Michael
Speaker 1: spelled that way? And am I c H E A
Speaker 1: L spelled that way? Because of my late grandmother. I
Speaker 1: just want to I wanted some guidance on how to
Speaker 1: move on and try to feel better. April thirtieth, twenty
Speaker 1: twenty three, my grandmother had passed. I was there and
Speaker 1: she quickly declined in health and fast within four days.
Speaker 1: I I'm trying to read. I'm reading exactly what he wrote.
Speaker 1: I her only grandson. I'm assuming I mean I was
Speaker 1: her only grandson. I was there every day until she
Speaker 1: took her final breath in front of me. Well when
Speaker 1: I when that time had come, my uncle, and my
Speaker 1: father and my great aunt had all laid the decision
Speaker 1: on me to pull the plug. Of course, all the
Speaker 1: pressure I had to say yes, and I felt like
Speaker 1: I did the right thing. But I also feel wrong
Speaker 1: that I did that. There are there have only been
Speaker 1: a handful of times in my twenty six years alive
Speaker 1: that I've seen my father cry. My father is that
Speaker 1: type to get up and work and never complain, never
Speaker 1: let us see things that bother him, you know, the
Speaker 1: typical tough guy. He embraced me, and I lost my
Speaker 1: mind in the er. Once again, I'm trying to follow
Speaker 1: him this email. Here he goes on to say, I
Speaker 1: had this dark, empty hole in my heart, and I
Speaker 1: feel like it's taboo to talk to my father and
Speaker 1: mom about how I feel because I shouldn't burden them.
Speaker 1: Some days it's harder than I appreciate your input. Thank you, Michael.
Speaker 1: All Right, Michael, this is this is a complex email,
Speaker 1: but I'm gonna make it simple. You you're emailing me
Speaker 1: too early. You're asking for guidance too early, because it
Speaker 1: hasn't even been a month yet since she passed, and
Speaker 1: not only did you lose someone that you loved greatly,
Speaker 1: your grandmother, but you you feel responsible for making the
Speaker 1: decision to turn off the lights life support machine, even
Speaker 1: though I'm certain that you had guidance by doctors right
Speaker 1: to do this, so that this wasn't like you just
Speaker 1: decided to kill your grandmother or help her along with
Speaker 1: her suicide or that's weird stuff, but sometimes that's how
Speaker 1: we feel with this, right. So the bottom line of
Speaker 1: what's happening here is you are emailing me too early
Speaker 1: because these are some things that you're just gonna have
Speaker 1: to process day by day, minute by minute. And there
Speaker 1: is nothing that anyone can say, or no special magic
Speaker 1: spell that I could put on you that's gonna get
Speaker 1: you further along. But there's some days you're gonna feel good.
Speaker 1: You're gonna wake up and the sun's gonna be shining.
Speaker 1: You're gonna get up and go to work, and you're
Speaker 1: gonna you're gonna say, you know, I loved my grandma
Speaker 1: and I lost her, but she lived a good life.
Speaker 1: And you know what, I'm okay with that. I'm pretty
Speaker 1: good with that. I'm hungry. I'm gonna eat a good meal,
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna remember her. Oh, I'm gonna look through
Speaker 1: some pictures of her. And she was so special and
Speaker 1: we shared so many times together, and I love that.
Speaker 1: And then in a matter of hours, sometimes sometimes it's
Speaker 1: the next day when you wake up, or sometimes it's
Speaker 1: just literally an amount. Just in a matter of hours,
Speaker 1: everything changes, and it's like the sun goes behind the
Speaker 1: clouds and you and the darkness falls upon you, and
Speaker 1: you go, no, I can't, I can't. I can't live
Speaker 1: without her. I don't I want my grandma back. And
Speaker 1: and to make things worse, I'm the one. I'm the
Speaker 1: one that pulled the plug on the on the life support.
Speaker 1: How could I be such an idiot? How could I
Speaker 1: have done that? And that's like two different personalities just
Speaker 1: fighting each other. Jeck go and hide, and it's it's
Speaker 1: these misfires in the brain, right because your brain is
Speaker 1: just cycling through daily life and sustaining itself through thoughts
Speaker 1: and in calculating hunger and being tired and needing to
Speaker 1: accomplish goals. And your brain's doing all these things and
Speaker 1: it'll cycle through like a computer and it goes Grandma,
Speaker 1: the error cycle again, Grandma, dude, error. It's just like
Speaker 1: a computer and you could feel it cycling and it
Speaker 1: comes up with an error message. And the error message
Speaker 1: shoots this message all the way across the other side
Speaker 1: of your brain, and then the other side of your
Speaker 1: brain goes, what's going on, right side of the brain
Speaker 1: and it says, I'm getting an error message from grandma
Speaker 1: and you go yeah, because she's dead. And then he goes,
Speaker 1: what hang on a second, and it sends it sends
Speaker 1: another message in it goes yeah, and you're the one
Speaker 1: that pulled the plug. And then the other side of
Speaker 1: the brain takes that message and goes, hold on, guys,
Speaker 1: this is this is this is not good. You know
Speaker 1: that's it's okay. Grandma was great and we loved her
Speaker 1: and we're this is a natural process of grieving, and
Speaker 1: the other side of the brain goes shut up. Man,
Speaker 1: it's this this, this this battle. And I know what
Speaker 1: I'm rambling and it's sounding ridiculous right now, but this
Speaker 1: is what goes on. That's the most unscientific way to
Speaker 1: put the waves of grief, but that's that's what's happening.
Speaker 1: You'll go through these waves. And what's important in a
Speaker 1: wave of grief is to realize that when you're in
Speaker 1: when you're in the trough, which is the bottom of
Speaker 1: the wave, realizing you'll be back on the crest. Okay,
Speaker 1: it's that's a cycle. Life is a cycle of waves.
Speaker 1: Everything is a wave. The sound is a wave, light
Speaker 1: is a wave. Grief, love, it's all a wave. Heartbreak
Speaker 1: it's a wave. Pain is a wave, right, Joy is
Speaker 1: a wave. Happiness is a wave. Even the sunlight it's waves.
Speaker 1: So imagine yourself like you're at the ocean, and when
Speaker 1: you're in the trough, you will eventually go back up
Speaker 1: to the crest, not on your own doing. You don't
Speaker 1: do this, you just float. But it's important to recognize
Speaker 1: I'm on the I'm on top. Things are pretty good,
Speaker 1: like the sunshine and things are pretty good, but I
Speaker 1: know I'll be back down. So then you realize you're
Speaker 1: starting to creep down. And when you get down, it's realizing.
Speaker 1: You have to realize as you're down, I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: stay here. I'm not stuck at the bottom of this wave.
Speaker 1: I'll be back out. But what do I do? Now?
Speaker 1: What do I do when I'm at the bottom. I
Speaker 1: just breathe and I let my heart beat and I
Speaker 1: just let it be, realizing I'm just gonna let this
Speaker 1: pain sit over me and I'll be back out of it.
Speaker 1: But it's not the end. Okay, it's not the end.
Speaker 1: That's my best unscientific way to describe what you're going through.
Speaker 1: Let's take a break and bear it back. This show
Speaker 1: is sponsored by Better Help. We have talked so much
Speaker 1: on this show about people that might need a doctor's
Speaker 1: help or medical attention or therapy, and that's where better
Speaker 1: Help can come in. It's so easy to get caught
Speaker 1: up in what everyone else needs from you, and you
Speaker 1: never take a moment to think about what you need
Speaker 1: from yourself. It's kind of like the idea on the
Speaker 1: airplane when the mask drop out, of a ceiling. In
Speaker 1: an emergency, you put the mask on yourself, so then
Speaker 1: you could put it on the child or whoever's next
Speaker 1: to you. But you got to be breathing first before
Speaker 1: you could help anybody else breathe. If you're listening to
Speaker 1: this and you've thought about therapy but you just don't
Speaker 1: really want to go through looking for one or driving
Speaker 1: across town and spending hours sitting on some kind of
Speaker 1: weird leather couch, perhaps better Help could be for you,
Speaker 1: maybe to bring a little more balance into your life,
Speaker 1: so you can keep supporting others without leaving yourself behind.
Speaker 1: And I like the idea of this because I'm just
Speaker 1: I'm not a good person when it comes to like
Speaker 1: scheduling an appointment for a doctor, and then you know
Speaker 1: driving in and for me it takes me twenty minutes
Speaker 1: thirty minutes to get into town, and so I just
Speaker 1: I like the idea of having something completely online. So
Speaker 1: if you're thinking about giving therapy a try, try out
Speaker 1: Better Help. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible,
Speaker 1: and suited to your schedule. That is so good for me.
Speaker 1: Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with
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Speaker 1: any time for no additional charge. Find more balance with
Speaker 1: better Help. Visit Betterhelp dot com slash Granger today and
Speaker 1: get ten percent off your first month. That's Better Help
Speaker 1: h LP dot com slash Granger. You know, if you
Speaker 1: ever want to get a hold of me or have
Speaker 1: me send you a message, have you ever thought about
Speaker 1: cameo dot com. It's such a great way for me
Speaker 1: to be able to reach out to you guys and
Speaker 1: give you a gift of a video message. And you
Speaker 1: could order it for any of your friends, or for yourself,
Speaker 1: or for any anniversary or birthday or special occasion or
Speaker 1: pep talk of any kind. I've probably done every scenario
Speaker 1: that you could think of. You go to cameo dot
Speaker 1: com slash Granger Smith or download the cameo app and
Speaker 1: search for me Granger Smith. I do a message right
Speaker 1: here on my phone, reading your prompt however you want
Speaker 1: me to say it, and then it just goes straight
Speaker 1: to your phone. It's literally a video message from me.
Speaker 1: It's so easy and so simple. And then finally, you, guys,
Speaker 1: I've told you, but please be aware that August first,
Speaker 1: like a river. The book comes out. I would love
Speaker 1: for you guys to check it out, and I'd love
Speaker 1: to get your feedback on that. You could pre order
Speaker 1: right now wherever you love to buy books. You could
Speaker 1: also be directed to all of those sites from my
Speaker 1: homepage grangersmith dot com. Back to the podcast, all right,
Speaker 1: Back to these questions. The first one I've pulled up here,
Speaker 1: subdecline says forgiveness Granger. I'd like to remain anonymous, but
Speaker 1: I have a question about forgiveness. I got married in
Speaker 1: twenty sixteen, got divorced shortly after in twenty seventeen after
Speaker 1: my then wife had two miscarriages. I ended up remarrying
Speaker 1: in twenty nineteen to my now wife and have a
Speaker 1: beautiful little girl. My first marriage was not biblical or
Speaker 1: God centered in any way. Even though the relationship didn't
Speaker 1: seem toxic, it was not healthy and I see that
Speaker 1: now being remarried in a great marriage. I still look
Speaker 1: back and know that there were issues in my first marriage.
Speaker 1: I never forgave asked for forgiveness from my ex. My
Speaker 1: question is would it be wrong to write a letter
Speaker 1: to my ex to ask for forgiveness but also forgive her?
Speaker 1: Should I talk about this to my wife. I think
Speaker 1: about this a lot, and I'm not sure what to do. PS.
Speaker 1: I met you at a show in twenty fourteen in Miami, Oklahoma, Miama, Oklahoma.
Speaker 1: Still the great memory. Thanks Anonymous. All right, Anonymous man,
Speaker 1: thank you for being vulnerable and opening up on something
Speaker 1: that's very close to your heart and very complicated. And
Speaker 1: I appreciate that. I appreciate you trusting me with it.
Speaker 1: I don't always have the right answers, but I'm just
Speaker 1: going to treat you like a friend. And we're driving
Speaker 1: down the road in a truck and you you say, hey, man,
Speaker 1: can I ask you this question? That's that's what this
Speaker 1: podcast is for. So here's my opinion. Yes, talk to
Speaker 1: your wife. You should talk to your wife about everything.
Speaker 1: You should be very upfront with this situation when you
Speaker 1: get divorced and then get remarried. Kind of part of
Speaker 1: that package. In my mind, part of the package of
Speaker 1: the remarriage is an understanding from the new wife that
Speaker 1: things weren't always you know, tied up in a pretty
Speaker 1: bow in your life relationship wise, that that should be obvious.
Speaker 1: No new wife is going to be surprised by this
Speaker 1: kind of information or at least she shouldn't and you
Speaker 1: should talk about this because this is a product of
Speaker 1: a broken home and it's not bad. It's I mean
Speaker 1: it's not. It's not a bad analysis on you because
Speaker 1: this is just where you are, this is just what
Speaker 1: your life is right now. This is the card you've
Speaker 1: been dealt, and you've got to play it right. I
Speaker 1: set that up because I'm trying to justify why the
Speaker 1: new wife should be cool with this kind of conversation.
Speaker 1: She should expect it. And that is the tragedy of
Speaker 1: divorce itself. Divorce is just shouldn't be always part of
Speaker 1: the plan. It shouldn't be part of a plan. But
Speaker 1: in this world, we live with it like it is,
Speaker 1: like it's normal, Like everyone gets divorced, and so that's
Speaker 1: just part of it. You mess up, You strike out
Speaker 1: the first one, then you get the second one, and
Speaker 1: then hopefully that goes well. But you might strike out
Speaker 1: on that one, and then you go to the third one.
Speaker 1: By the time you're a little bit older in life,
Speaker 1: maybe you haven't figured out on the third spouse. That's
Speaker 1: kind of the way this culture thinks, and it's just
Speaker 1: not right. It's not right. I don't agree with it
Speaker 1: at all. But once again, it's not a bad analysis
Speaker 1: on you. I'm just kind of kind of putting your
Speaker 1: story on top of culture and going, yeah, I see it,
Speaker 1: I see it there. It is right. So what I
Speaker 1: think you're doing is full of integrity, and it's a
Speaker 1: very good thing, Anonymous. It's a very good thing, and
Speaker 1: I'm all about it. Divorce in this way, especially when
Speaker 1: you say when you're talking about biblical or godly divorce
Speaker 1: in this way needs to be completely reconciled in itself,
Speaker 1: hopefully before the next marriage. It should be through church.
Speaker 1: It should be So you didn't yet, but that's okay
Speaker 1: because we're doing it now. We're talking about it now.
Speaker 1: And so that would be my counsel to you, is that, Yes,
Speaker 1: you go to your wife, here's here's the practical thing.
Speaker 1: You go to your wife and you say, but here's
Speaker 1: the story I feel is heavy on my heart. I'm
Speaker 1: so grateful for you, I love you, etc. Etc. Got
Speaker 1: to say that, and then you say, I need to
Speaker 1: reach out to her in some way. Can you help me,
Speaker 1: new wife, Can you help me logistically figure out appropriate,
Speaker 1: in all respect to you, appropriate way to reach out
Speaker 1: to her to start this conversation. Right, Maybe it's a letter,
Speaker 1: maybe it's an email, Maybe it's a cup of coffee,
Speaker 1: maybe it's a phone call, maybe it's a text. But
Speaker 1: work that out with your current wife. And then when
Speaker 1: you do reach out, and I think you absolutely should,
Speaker 1: because this has to be reconciled. It will. Your conscience
Speaker 1: will not let you live this down if you don't.
Speaker 1: So I don't have to tell you your own conscious
Speaker 1: is not gonna let you sleep until you do this.
Speaker 1: But yes, say it's a letter. Hypothetically, let's go with
Speaker 1: a letter. You write her a letter and you just say,
Speaker 1: dear ex wife, your name. I think about the way
Speaker 1: that things ended quite a bit, and as you know,
Speaker 1: I'm happily married now, but because of the way that
Speaker 1: we were bonded together, I feel a connection that has
Speaker 1: not that I have not been able to put to rest.
Speaker 1: And I feel like I could do that through forgiving you.
Speaker 1: And I know that we had hard times. I know
Speaker 1: that you didn't say toxic. You said it was not toxic,
Speaker 1: but you said it wasn't healthy, So so I know
Speaker 1: that it wasn't healthy at all times. And I know
Speaker 1: that we both said some things that maybe we shouldn't have,
Speaker 1: and maybe we left it in a way that we
Speaker 1: shouldn't have. And I just want to tell you right now,
Speaker 1: and you don't have to respond at all, but I
Speaker 1: want to tell you that I'm just so sorry and
Speaker 1: I forgive you for everything that you did. And I
Speaker 1: know that there's pain that was associated with her, with
Speaker 1: our marriage, with the miscarriages, and I just want to
Speaker 1: tell you I don't hold any of that against you
Speaker 1: at all, and I completely forgive you for anything that
Speaker 1: might have happened. Right and then you could leave it
Speaker 1: open ended, and you could. You could, you can say,
Speaker 1: do you forgive me? But but that's almost it goes
Speaker 1: without saying that she's that just that's part of it.
Speaker 1: But here's the hard part. You can't expect anything to
Speaker 1: come out of this beside your own healing. What I
Speaker 1: mean is you can't expect her to reply. You can't
Speaker 1: expect her to say I agree, I feel the same way.
Speaker 1: I'm glad you reached out. I forgive you too. You
Speaker 1: can't expect anything from her. In fact, you could get
Speaker 1: something bad. You could get her to say, don't you
Speaker 1: ever reach out to me again? So you don't build
Speaker 1: old expectations on what she's going to say at all.
Speaker 1: You build your expectation on your own ability to forgive
Speaker 1: her and say you're sorry to her, to close that
Speaker 1: door yourself, because that's what you can control. And I
Speaker 1: believe your healing comes from that and not from the
Speaker 1: way that she reacts to it. I think it's a
Speaker 1: good thing you're doing, brother. Next question, subject line says
Speaker 1: regrets in life. Hey Granger, my name is Joshua. I'm
Speaker 1: a born again Christian. My question is how do I
Speaker 1: get past the past. I feel as if a cycle
Speaker 1: I live in has been almost ten years long now.
Speaker 1: My wife calls me a hermit because I don't like
Speaker 1: being around people. I suffer from depression and chronic migraines
Speaker 1: that were set off by a TBI accident while I
Speaker 1: served our nation in the army. A part of me
Speaker 1: regrets serving because I did not used to be like this.
Speaker 1: My wife says it has progressed and is causing problems
Speaker 1: in our marriage. I want to change, but it seems
Speaker 1: no matter how hard I try, I revert back to
Speaker 1: my reclusive state of mind. I'm afraid to ask for
Speaker 1: help from my pastor or from the VA because I
Speaker 1: know the negative persona placed on veterans who have mental struggles.
Speaker 1: Any help would be appreciated. Thank you and God blessed Joshua.
Speaker 1: All right, Joshua, scanning back on your email as I
Speaker 1: read it for the first time. Here, So you're a
Speaker 1: born again Christian, that's the interesting part you said in
Speaker 1: the first line. And then I just want to tell you,
Speaker 1: first of all, thank you for your service, and thank
Speaker 1: you for trusting me with such sensitive information, being vulnerable
Speaker 1: like this. I appreciate it, and I could feel the pain.
Speaker 1: I could see the pain in your words. First off,
Speaker 1: let's go to suffering from depression and chronic migraines that
Speaker 1: were set off by a TBI incident while serving. Let's
Speaker 1: start with that, because that's something that's going to get
Speaker 1: into a world I cannot help you with at all.
Speaker 1: That's going to require a doctor, which is going to
Speaker 1: need to come through the VA. So eventually, the way
Speaker 1: I see this, Joshua, and really this is the way
Speaker 1: I see it, that we in life. Just like the
Speaker 1: last question, I said, here's what you're responsible for, here's
Speaker 1: what you can do, and here's what you shouldn't expect,
Speaker 1: and here's what you're not responsible for. Right. That was
Speaker 1: the last question dealing with the ex wife. But in
Speaker 1: your in your scenario, it's the same thing. We have
Speaker 1: to start separating what you're responsible for and what you're not.
Speaker 1: And so you don't put expectations on what you're not.
Speaker 1: You put your expectations on what you are responsible for.
Speaker 1: So this is what I think you're responsible for. The
Speaker 1: line that you said, I'm afraid to ask for help
Speaker 1: from my pastor or the VA because I know the
Speaker 1: negative persona placed on veterans who have mental struggles. I'm
Speaker 1: going to say, Joshua, your job coming from me as
Speaker 1: your friend listening to this. If we're driving in the
Speaker 1: pickup truck and you bring this up to me, I say, Joshua,
Speaker 1: right now, you got to get over that. You got
Speaker 1: to you got to get past that. You don't have
Speaker 1: to get past depression. You don't have to get past migraines.
Speaker 1: You don't have to get past being a hermit. You
Speaker 1: don't have to get past your wife feeling like the
Speaker 1: marriage is struggling. You don't have to get past the
Speaker 1: PTSD you have from serving. You don't have to get
Speaker 1: past that's the ten year cycle that you're stuck in. Okay,
Speaker 1: let's make a priority list all that stuff you can't
Speaker 1: control right now. But what can start it is what
Speaker 1: can kickstart all of this is the one thing you
Speaker 1: can control, and that's you get in your pickup truck
Speaker 1: and you drive down there to the VA and you say,
Speaker 1: my name's Joshua. I'm struggling. I got a lot of
Speaker 1: mental issues from serving and I need to talk to somebody, Okay.
Speaker 1: And you said the very first line, you said, I'm
Speaker 1: a born again Christian. Prove that to me. Prove it
Speaker 1: to me. You know how, you know how you could
Speaker 1: prove that to me by showing me, showing me, show
Speaker 1: me that your faith is real. Right, you say I've
Speaker 1: got faith. I say, show me live it out. Go
Speaker 1: to your pastor. You said, I don't want to go
Speaker 1: to my pastor. Why Because there's this negative persona placed
Speaker 1: on veterans who have mental struggles. Brother, you're gonna have
Speaker 1: to get past that. You got to get past that.
Speaker 1: You got to go to your pastor, and you got
Speaker 1: to you gotta say. Let me ask you this, why, Joshua,
Speaker 1: do you feel comfortable emailing me the country singer guy
Speaker 1: that's on a podcast, and yet you can't tell behind
Speaker 1: closed doors your pastor or somebody at the VA. I
Speaker 1: want to challenge you with that. I want to it's
Speaker 1: a friendly challenge. I let's say, get your butt in
Speaker 1: your truck and go to the church or the VA,
Speaker 1: and hopefully both, and tell them your story and just
Speaker 1: be vulnerable and just say it exactly. You don't have
Speaker 1: to say anything more than what you told me. Just say.
Speaker 1: My name is Josh Struggling. I've got some migraines. My
Speaker 1: wife calls me a hermit. I'm suffering from depression. I
Speaker 1: feel like my marriage is suffering because of this, and
Speaker 1: I need some help. You don't have to be a
Speaker 1: superman here. You don't have to be a superhero. You
Speaker 1: don't have to be all buttoned up and everything's perfect.
Speaker 1: In these kind of situations, you got to go now,
Speaker 1: and you got to open up, and you got to
Speaker 1: just let you get us. Let it loose. No one, Josh,
Speaker 1: hear me. No one is gonna blame you for this, man,
Speaker 1: no one. You served our country. You served us well,
Speaker 1: thank you for that. Now let us serve you right,
Speaker 1: Let us in our system, let us serve you back.
Speaker 1: As a way to say thank you for what you
Speaker 1: have done for us. You have allowed me and my
Speaker 1: family to live a life that we get to choose
Speaker 1: the career path and choose where we go to school,
Speaker 1: and choose how we live, choose where we worship. You've
Speaker 1: allowed us that, so allow us to serve you back now.
Speaker 1: And we do that through the VA, and we do
Speaker 1: that through our local pastors. Plug into your local church,
Speaker 1: pour into the pastor, let him pour into you. I
Speaker 1: can't speak as much for the VA because I know
Speaker 1: that they have a bad rep sometimes and I know
Speaker 1: that some times it might be a waiting list and
Speaker 1: it might be long lines, and it might be no
Speaker 1: phone calls back. But let me ask you this question,
Speaker 1: is your marriage worth it? Is your life for these
Speaker 1: past ten years, this cycle? Is it worth ending the cycle? Then?
Speaker 1: I think you would get on that waiting list. I
Speaker 1: think you'd make that phone call. I think you'd go
Speaker 1: talk to the pastor. And this is not this is
Speaker 1: not a meet with a pastor. And it's and it's
Speaker 1: fixed because there's going to be a doctor involved that's
Speaker 1: going to deal with these migraines. Right, these chronic migraines
Speaker 1: are going to require medication, and the medication is going
Speaker 1: to come from a doctor, and the doctor is going
Speaker 1: to come from someone who knows you. It's not a
Speaker 1: quick fix, but this is the starting line, the starting
Speaker 1: line for you, my friend. My challenge is to break
Speaker 1: this mentality. Break it apart. That says, I don't want
Speaker 1: to open up because I'm I'm too strong. I don't
Speaker 1: want to reveal that I'm soft. You gotta stop it, Josh.
Speaker 1: Next question, subject client says, girlfriend, Hi, my name is Brandon.
Speaker 1: I'm fourteen. I live in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I'm dating this girl.
Speaker 1: She's amazing. I love her so much. But the problem
Speaker 1: is I barely get to see her. She is constantly busy,
Speaker 1: and I really don't want to lose I don't want
Speaker 1: her to lose interest from not seeing me. Do you
Speaker 1: have any idea what I could do? I'm sorry, I
Speaker 1: said Brandon, didn't I it's Braiden. Braiden, you're fourteen. You
Speaker 1: let me reread your sentence. Let me just point out
Speaker 1: your sentence doesn't have a single punctuation and the whole
Speaker 1: paragraph doesn't have a single punctuation point at all. I'm
Speaker 1: dating this girl. She's amazing, and I love her so much.
Speaker 1: But the problem is I barely get to see her.
Speaker 1: She is constantly busy, and I really don't want her. Okay, Brandon,
Speaker 1: back away from the girl, Back away from the girl, Buddy,
Speaker 1: it's there's better things right now at fourteen. It's it's
Speaker 1: so hard to be so wrapped up at fourteen thinking
Speaker 1: the girls amazing and you love her so much. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna tell you, Braiden, that's a problem. Okay. It's also
Speaker 1: a problem that I keep saying, Brandon, Braiden, it's a problem. Okay,
Speaker 1: hear me on this. Be fourteen, Be in a club,
Speaker 1: or have a hobby, or play a sport, be with
Speaker 1: your buddies, go out with your friends, and do stuff
Speaker 1: like what can you do? You can't even drive. You
Speaker 1: can't even drive yet that and you're loving a girl
Speaker 1: so much. This is only going to lead to problems.
Speaker 1: And how do I know? How do I know this
Speaker 1: besides the fact that I was fourteen? I know this
Speaker 1: because she's busy and she's a little girl. If she's
Speaker 1: too busy for you, and she's a little girl, which
Speaker 1: she is a young teenager and she's too busy for you,
Speaker 1: that means she doesn't want to see you. She doesn't
Speaker 1: want to be around you. You are smothering her. Stop
Speaker 1: smothering her. Back away, go with your friends, your guy friends,
Speaker 1: and get a hobby. That's my advice. If I had
Speaker 1: a guest here like Bernie, he would say, Granger, hang on,
Speaker 1: be nicer. But Braiden, I'm telling you. I only tell
Speaker 1: you things because I want to tell you the truth.
Speaker 1: It would be ridiculous for me to go Braiden. Oh,
Speaker 1: thanks for emailing buddy, so sorry to hear about this
Speaker 1: girl problem. Maybe get some roses, drop it off on
Speaker 1: her front porch, Braiden. Maybe maybe write her a nice
Speaker 1: love note and get some hr She's kisses and put
Speaker 1: it next to the roses. Just remember be patient with her.
Speaker 1: Text you all the time and just say thinking about
Speaker 1: you and pour into her. It would be ridiculous. That
Speaker 1: would be ridiculous. Uh, seriously, I just realized something. After
Speaker 1: this whole time I've been talking to you, I realized something.
Speaker 1: You misspelled your own name. Your name is Brandon, and
Speaker 1: in the email it says Braiden. But in your email
Speaker 1: it says b A N D O N. And then
Speaker 1: your email says, hey, my name is braid Dawn, fix
Speaker 1: your punctuation, fix your spelling, get your name right, dump
Speaker 1: the girl, get a hobby, hang out with your buddies,
Speaker 1: and let's go fishing sometime. That's my advice. Jump on
Speaker 1: one more here. Seven client says guidance. Hey granderom, my
Speaker 1: name is Andrew. I'm twenty eight from Illinois. Recently my
Speaker 1: grandpa passed away. It's been quite a challenge for me
Speaker 1: and my family. On top of that, there's also a
Speaker 1: lot of changes going on where I work as a
Speaker 1: car technician. I struggle with anxiety quite a bit, especially
Speaker 1: with my job, and I know God is always in control,
Speaker 1: but lately I feel like it's been getting worse and
Speaker 1: worse for me. I guess my question is, how do
Speaker 1: you truly have that comfort and peace when everything around
Speaker 1: you seems like it's falling apart. PS. I met you
Speaker 1: at a concert recently in Illinois and briefly discussed my anxiety,
Speaker 1: and it was an absolute blessing to speak with you. Andrew,
Speaker 1: Thank you, brother. You also included a picture of us here,
Speaker 1: which is great. I appreciate you. It always helps when
Speaker 1: you include a picture, and then I could put a
Speaker 1: face to your words here. Yeah, this is an email
Speaker 1: that there's one line that just stands out that just
Speaker 1: and I wonder if people listen to this podcast and go, oh,
Speaker 1: I know where Granger's going with this when I've heard
Speaker 1: him one hundred and eighty nine different episodes. But there's
Speaker 1: one line that sticks out to me right off the bat.
Speaker 1: And you you start with a bunch of anxiety and
Speaker 1: I'm losing losing a grandpa, and you end it with
Speaker 1: a bunch of anxiety. And I want to point out
Speaker 1: what you said in the middle. You said, I know
Speaker 1: God is always in control. And I say back to you, Andrew,
Speaker 1: do you No, you don't, you don't. I don't believe you.
Speaker 1: I don't believe you at all. I don't believe you
Speaker 1: one bit. I mean, it's like use that, use that
Speaker 1: in any other scenario in life. It doesn't work that
Speaker 1: I don't believe you. What if you said? What if
Speaker 1: you said? Man? I just I am struggling with catching
Speaker 1: the football and I don't like practices, and the Texas
Speaker 1: heat is so rough on me in two days and
Speaker 1: my coach yells at me all the time, and I
Speaker 1: just I don't know. These shoulder pads are really scratching
Speaker 1: me and making my shoulders break out with hives. But
Speaker 1: I really love football. I would say, you don't love football, don't.
Speaker 1: You don't love it at all? You don't. You don't,
Speaker 1: and Andrew, You don't trust God. You don't say I'm struggling,
Speaker 1: I'm grieving, I'm hurting. My job sucks. I don't know
Speaker 1: what to do. That's the key right there. I don't
Speaker 1: know where to go from here. I don't know how
Speaker 1: to have comfort and peace. I don't know how to
Speaker 1: have comfort and peace when everything around me is falling apart.
Speaker 1: But I trust God. I say, no, you don't. So
Speaker 1: you gain trust by surrendering to him and by absorbing
Speaker 1: his words, ever living, breathing word the Bible. You absorb
Speaker 1: that word and you read it, and you wake up
Speaker 1: and you set your alarm earlier, and you say, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna man, my life is really crazy right now God,
Speaker 1: and so I decided to open up Philippians one right,
Speaker 1: That's where I want you to start. Andrew. Then, my
Speaker 1: challenge to you is to read the Book of Philippians,
Speaker 1: the Letter of Philippians, and read through it and a
Speaker 1: couple of days. It's very short, very very short, but
Speaker 1: I want to give you a couple of days to
Speaker 1: read it and read it again, and read it again
Speaker 1: three times, three times. I want you to read through Philippians, okay,
Speaker 1: starting with one. I'm not talking about finding special verses.
Speaker 1: I'm not talking about following a map of things to
Speaker 1: where the Bible talks about what you're dealing with. I'm
Speaker 1: talking about absorbing it. Absorbing Paul's letter in one reading,
Speaker 1: and I want you to read that three times over
Speaker 1: the course of two days. And I want you to
Speaker 1: keep telling God that like God, I say that I
Speaker 1: trust you, but I'm not living like it. I say
Speaker 1: that I trust you, but I'm nervous. I say that
Speaker 1: I trust you, but I sure don't prove it at
Speaker 1: all to anyone. Help me with this. Help me to
Speaker 1: trust you, help me to surrender, help me to understand
Speaker 1: that this whole job falling apart and me losing my
Speaker 1: grandpa helped me to understand that this is part of
Speaker 1: my life here. And so I give it to you
Speaker 1: because I can't control these things. I can't control my job,
Speaker 1: I can't control my grandpa. I can't control the people
Speaker 1: that I love. I can't control anything falling apart. But
Speaker 1: what I can control is how I trust you through
Speaker 1: it all. How would you know that, Andrew? How would
Speaker 1: you base trust on something like this? Right? How could
Speaker 1: you base your trust on God? Let me give you
Speaker 1: a hint. He knows the end, He planned the middle,
Speaker 1: and he built the whole concept before it even started.
Speaker 1: Would that help you trust anybody? I said, Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: talk to him. He planned this whole thing out and
Speaker 1: he knows how it ends. And guess what. Here's the kicker.
Speaker 1: It ends good. You go, oh, well, yeah, I would
Speaker 1: trust that. I would trust the person that planned it,
Speaker 1: built it, ended it good. I would trust that even
Speaker 1: when in the middle it doesn't seem like it's worth anything.
Speaker 1: I've talked a lot about this and a lot of
Speaker 1: different things in my life. Andrew, you probably heard me.
Speaker 1: But I want to challenge you with that. Reading Philippians
Speaker 1: three times in two days, and while you're doing it,
Speaker 1: break out in prayer and go God, I don't trust you.
Speaker 1: I want to help me with that, be honest. That's
Speaker 1: all we got. Love you guys, all of y'all for emailing.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much, and we'll see you next Monday.
Speaker 1: Thanks for joining me on the Grangersmith Podcast. I appreciate
Speaker 1: all of you guys. You could help me out by
Speaker 1: rating this podcast on iTunes. If you're on YouTube, subscribe
Speaker 1: to this channel. Hit that little like button and the
Speaker 1: notification spell so that you never miss anytime I upload
Speaker 1: a video. If you have a question for me that
Speaker 1: you would like me to answer, email Grangersmith Podcast at
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. Yi