WEBVTT - Daddy Issues

0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:04.880
<v Speaker 1>What's Up. This episode is brought to you by Ladies Sweet,

0:00:05.760 --> 0:00:09.280
<v Speaker 1>a lady owned, independent, wellness driven company dedicated to helping

0:00:09.360 --> 0:00:11.680
<v Speaker 1>all ladies fall in love with their bodies and feel

0:00:11.760 --> 0:00:16.240
<v Speaker 1>really good in their intimate skin. Ooh, I think fembcare

0:00:16.560 --> 0:00:20.119
<v Speaker 1>meets skincare for me. I have ing grown hairs and

0:00:20.200 --> 0:00:25.200
<v Speaker 1>raezor bumps. For Jamila, I do too, and the Lady

0:00:25.280 --> 0:00:29.160
<v Speaker 1>Sweet Botanical oil, which I love, really helps eliminate that

0:00:29.320 --> 0:00:32.839
<v Speaker 1>brighten that area, because you know, brown girls, we get

0:00:32.880 --> 0:00:35.839
<v Speaker 1>a little dark down there sometimes and sometimes you want

0:00:35.880 --> 0:00:40.040
<v Speaker 1>to brighten it up. Also, they have an amazing probiotic

0:00:40.080 --> 0:00:43.839
<v Speaker 1>refreshing cleanser for the vulva which is great for vulva

0:00:43.840 --> 0:00:45.480
<v Speaker 1>health and skin resilience.

0:00:46.640 --> 0:00:49.480
<v Speaker 2>I also like to use the oil to shave as

0:00:49.479 --> 0:00:52.640
<v Speaker 2>a shaving cream alternative. I gotta try that mm hmm

0:00:53.159 --> 0:00:56.600
<v Speaker 2>and in the morning and at night, and my vagina

0:00:56.640 --> 0:00:59.040
<v Speaker 2>is already looking glowy and brightening.

0:00:58.720 --> 0:01:05.320
<v Speaker 1>Up bright Anyway. You can find these products at Ladysweet

0:01:05.400 --> 0:01:07.800
<v Speaker 1>dot com and make sure you.

0:01:07.880 --> 0:01:11.840
<v Speaker 2>Use good Mom's fifteen for fifteen percent off. I need

0:01:11.840 --> 0:01:14.480
<v Speaker 2>to check out for any purchase over thirty dollars, I

0:01:14.640 --> 0:01:16.520
<v Speaker 2>check out, go check it.

0:01:16.480 --> 0:01:24.000
<v Speaker 3>Out through way you love letters, I got it, make

0:01:24.120 --> 0:01:29.240
<v Speaker 3>me feel better. I finely got you hol my big,

0:01:29.680 --> 0:01:35.280
<v Speaker 3>but I still gonna get you with my head. I'm

0:01:35.360 --> 0:01:38.400
<v Speaker 3>saying you want to take it a time. I know

0:01:38.560 --> 0:01:42.720
<v Speaker 3>you buy your phone, so boy, pick up your lin

0:01:43.280 --> 0:01:48.800
<v Speaker 3>I ain't too bout the bag, so was VINCENTID has Vincent.

0:01:50.720 --> 0:01:51.600
<v Speaker 1>In Annie?

0:01:52.800 --> 0:01:59.200
<v Speaker 3>You to know? You don't know what love is in Annie?

0:02:00.400 --> 0:02:01.120
<v Speaker 1>You don't know.

0:02:02.920 --> 0:02:06.400
<v Speaker 3>I don't know, you know.

0:02:07.040 --> 0:02:09.840
<v Speaker 1>Welcome back to Good Mom's Bad Choices. I'm Erica and

0:02:09.880 --> 0:02:15.600
<v Speaker 1>I'm Nila and it's Wednesday. Happy Wednesday. I hope you

0:02:15.639 --> 0:02:18.120
<v Speaker 1>guys had a good day at work or whatever the

0:02:18.120 --> 0:02:22.720
<v Speaker 1>fuck you did today. Also aggressive work work or if

0:02:22.720 --> 0:02:28.160
<v Speaker 1>you're listening to this on your way to work Thursday morning, workday, workday?

0:02:31.480 --> 0:02:38.880
<v Speaker 1>What's up? Nothing much? Just try to live my best life? Hmm,

0:02:39.000 --> 0:02:42.960
<v Speaker 1>what's up with you? Nothing? I mean, I mean obviously

0:02:43.040 --> 0:02:47.760
<v Speaker 1>things Patreon We have any Patreon, which was really stressful,

0:02:47.840 --> 0:02:50.600
<v Speaker 1>but I'm really glad it's up. So if you guys, we.

0:02:50.520 --> 0:02:52.960
<v Speaker 2>Have some new Patreon members. Thank you so much for

0:02:53.040 --> 0:02:53.919
<v Speaker 2>caring and supporting.

0:02:54.120 --> 0:02:55.440
<v Speaker 1>Thank you for supporting us.

0:02:56.320 --> 0:03:02.040
<v Speaker 2>Also, we've we sent out we sent a requests for

0:03:02.120 --> 0:03:03.959
<v Speaker 2>nudes and you guys came through with the news.

0:03:04.000 --> 0:03:06.760
<v Speaker 1>Oh my gosh, we've gotten We got some really good nudes,

0:03:06.880 --> 0:03:08.919
<v Speaker 1>mostly from We had some great ones from women, but

0:03:09.280 --> 0:03:12.120
<v Speaker 1>I was really shocked about the man ones, Like apparently

0:03:12.320 --> 0:03:14.680
<v Speaker 1>all of the men that listen to us have big penises.

0:03:15.320 --> 0:03:20.840
<v Speaker 2>Know why, it's because we have big penis energy, like big,

0:03:21.320 --> 0:03:24.000
<v Speaker 2>like big, big, like scary.

0:03:24.520 --> 0:03:26.639
<v Speaker 1>Like I'm scared that I can handle that.

0:03:26.800 --> 0:03:29.120
<v Speaker 2>It's like, wow, Okay, this is the best. This is

0:03:29.120 --> 0:03:32.480
<v Speaker 2>the best request you've ever put out we got. We

0:03:32.560 --> 0:03:34.120
<v Speaker 2>got a couple of pussy pics.

0:03:35.520 --> 0:03:36.280
<v Speaker 1>We sent a few.

0:03:37.240 --> 0:03:39.160
<v Speaker 2>Don't think if you send news we're just gonna send

0:03:39.160 --> 0:03:40.240
<v Speaker 2>you some back automatically.

0:03:40.240 --> 0:03:44.040
<v Speaker 1>They have to be really impressive only and they will

0:03:44.080 --> 0:03:48.200
<v Speaker 1>only be on that like one replay setting on Instagram.

0:03:48.280 --> 0:03:51.080
<v Speaker 1>Although we did encourage our other male listeners, like just

0:03:51.120 --> 0:03:54.960
<v Speaker 1>send it into the DM. Stop doing the replay, Jamila

0:03:55.000 --> 0:03:57.440
<v Speaker 1>didn't get to see your day, like I'm missing it.

0:03:58.080 --> 0:04:01.240
<v Speaker 1>I keep pressing play right, I'm like okay.

0:04:03.600 --> 0:04:05.440
<v Speaker 2>And also, I you know, I realized it just if

0:04:05.480 --> 0:04:08.680
<v Speaker 2>it's fun, it's fun to send needs to your friends,

0:04:09.240 --> 0:04:11.040
<v Speaker 2>you know, if you don't feel like if anyone to

0:04:11.040 --> 0:04:14.320
<v Speaker 2>feel sexy for feel sexy for us because we appreciate it.

0:04:14.400 --> 0:04:18.120
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, we appreciate your naked body. Other than that, I

0:04:18.120 --> 0:04:21.440
<v Speaker 1>don't know. It's just it's been it's it's retrograde. I

0:04:21.480 --> 0:04:23.720
<v Speaker 1>feel like my electronics have been fucking up, but I

0:04:24.400 --> 0:04:26.720
<v Speaker 1>electronics and me just don't go well period. So I

0:04:26.720 --> 0:04:28.279
<v Speaker 1>don't even know if it has anything to do with that.

0:04:30.200 --> 0:04:34.320
<v Speaker 1>I have just been a feeling. I don't know. I've

0:04:34.320 --> 0:04:36.400
<v Speaker 1>been feeling a range of emotions. I was feeling like

0:04:36.800 --> 0:04:39.640
<v Speaker 1>super empowered one day because I feel like I like

0:04:40.040 --> 0:04:43.120
<v Speaker 1>expressed my boundaries to someone and I was like, yeah, fuck,

0:04:43.200 --> 0:04:45.599
<v Speaker 1>that feel really strong. And then the next day I

0:04:45.600 --> 0:04:48.520
<v Speaker 1>was like I fucking hate everyone. And then the next

0:04:48.560 --> 0:04:52.559
<v Speaker 1>day I was like okay, and then I repissed me off,

0:04:53.200 --> 0:04:56.279
<v Speaker 1>and then then I did some like desperate like ego

0:04:56.360 --> 0:04:59.159
<v Speaker 1>shit that we'll talk about later in a minute.

0:05:00.120 --> 0:05:05.559
<v Speaker 2>Oh you're gonna talk about that, okay, like real rap. Well,

0:05:05.600 --> 0:05:06.719
<v Speaker 2>welcome to adulthood.

0:05:07.360 --> 0:05:09.200
<v Speaker 1>I realized the other day, I don't know you had

0:05:09.279 --> 0:05:10.640
<v Speaker 1>left and I was in the backyard with.

0:05:10.600 --> 0:05:14.000
<v Speaker 2>Luna, and I have a storage, and I forgot I

0:05:14.000 --> 0:05:15.920
<v Speaker 2>had a storage, and they called them, like you owe

0:05:16.000 --> 0:05:19.080
<v Speaker 2>us four hundred dollars or we're selling your stuff, and

0:05:19.120 --> 0:05:19.440
<v Speaker 2>I was.

0:05:19.400 --> 0:05:21.839
<v Speaker 1>Just like, A had a child tantrum.

0:05:22.240 --> 0:05:26.039
<v Speaker 2>I was like, and then I looked over a Luna

0:05:26.040 --> 0:05:28.400
<v Speaker 2>and she was looking at me, and she's just smiling bright,

0:05:28.440 --> 0:05:30.360
<v Speaker 2>and I was like, really recognized that I had a

0:05:30.400 --> 0:05:37.480
<v Speaker 2>real life tantrum, Like I I threw a fit, and I.

0:05:37.520 --> 0:05:39.839
<v Speaker 1>Just realized, Yeah, every day is a gamble.

0:05:39.960 --> 0:05:43.240
<v Speaker 2>Sometimes you're up and you're feeling great and empowered and motivated,

0:05:43.279 --> 0:05:44.960
<v Speaker 2>and some days you.

0:05:44.920 --> 0:05:47.839
<v Speaker 1>Can't get out of fucking bed. And that's adulthood.

0:05:49.120 --> 0:05:50.800
<v Speaker 2>So you're not alone, I don't think. But she just

0:05:50.839 --> 0:05:52.760
<v Speaker 2>really sounds really kind of psycho out loud.

0:05:52.920 --> 0:05:55.400
<v Speaker 1>No, No, I know, I know, I know I'm not alone.

0:05:55.520 --> 0:06:00.200
<v Speaker 1>It's just I don't know. I just feel like it's

0:06:00.240 --> 0:06:04.800
<v Speaker 1>that mid year things are like I don't know, it's summertime.

0:06:04.880 --> 0:06:06.680
<v Speaker 1>I don't know what. It is, just a lot happening,

0:06:06.720 --> 0:06:11.520
<v Speaker 1>and I feel I feel, really, I feel more comfortable

0:06:11.600 --> 0:06:14.599
<v Speaker 1>with myself than I probably ever have in my life.

0:06:15.480 --> 0:06:20.080
<v Speaker 1>But also so and but also with that comes such

0:06:20.200 --> 0:06:23.640
<v Speaker 1>awareness that my bad choices that I used to make,

0:06:23.680 --> 0:06:25.320
<v Speaker 1>I used to be able to make them and like

0:06:25.360 --> 0:06:29.599
<v Speaker 1>be like whatever, but now like I'm just I make them,

0:06:29.680 --> 0:06:32.760
<v Speaker 1>and then I like hate myself for a little bit

0:06:32.880 --> 0:06:35.120
<v Speaker 1>for a while, yeah, because of them, or I just

0:06:35.120 --> 0:06:37.360
<v Speaker 1>like not even hate, Like there is that. But then

0:06:37.400 --> 0:06:39.320
<v Speaker 1>there's also this part of it where I'm just like

0:06:39.360 --> 0:06:41.560
<v Speaker 1>over analyzing it, Like what does that mean for me?

0:06:41.920 --> 0:06:44.159
<v Speaker 1>Why am I still doing that? Maybe I haven't worked

0:06:44.160 --> 0:06:46.760
<v Speaker 1>past my triggers. Maybe I'm not over my baby daddy.

0:06:47.000 --> 0:06:49.640
<v Speaker 1>Maybe I'm you know, like all these things like maybe

0:06:49.680 --> 0:06:50.680
<v Speaker 1>do I want a boyfriend?

0:06:50.880 --> 0:06:50.960
<v Speaker 3>Do?

0:06:51.040 --> 0:06:53.479
<v Speaker 1>Or do I want a boyfriend? Maybe I'm not pata.

0:06:53.520 --> 0:06:55.840
<v Speaker 1>Pattern tells me that I'm meant to walk the lowner's path,

0:06:56.320 --> 0:06:59.720
<v Speaker 1>like it's like a fucking novella. Pattern keeps telling me

0:06:59.760 --> 0:07:01.880
<v Speaker 1>I'm so to be fucking alone my whole life. But

0:07:01.960 --> 0:07:03.960
<v Speaker 1>here I am full of love and ready to give it,

0:07:04.000 --> 0:07:09.440
<v Speaker 1>but no one wants it. Like so that's where I'm

0:07:09.440 --> 0:07:15.720
<v Speaker 1>not welcome, Yeah to adulthood. But I think that's true.

0:07:15.880 --> 0:07:20.560
<v Speaker 2>And I think mostly in the thirties, shit happens and

0:07:20.600 --> 0:07:24.960
<v Speaker 2>then you're so hyper aware of yourself and like, fuck.

0:07:24.800 --> 0:07:25.880
<v Speaker 1>I did that because I have trauma.

0:07:25.920 --> 0:07:29.080
<v Speaker 2>Still, I'm funck, I'm not heeled, I'm fucked up, dody,

0:07:29.760 --> 0:07:30.559
<v Speaker 2>did I cry today?

0:07:31.000 --> 0:07:32.640
<v Speaker 1>I Mean I went to therapy the other day and

0:07:32.680 --> 0:07:34.760
<v Speaker 1>my therapist was like, why do you think because I

0:07:34.800 --> 0:07:36.680
<v Speaker 1>was telling her about like what I what I did

0:07:36.680 --> 0:07:41.520
<v Speaker 1>this weekend or last weekend? Which, what did you do, Erica,

0:07:42.400 --> 0:07:47.240
<v Speaker 1>what did you do this weekend? Well last weekend? Okay,

0:07:47.480 --> 0:07:48.080
<v Speaker 1>let's start.

0:07:48.120 --> 0:07:52.560
<v Speaker 2>Okay, yeah, let's start what let's start what we were

0:07:52.560 --> 0:07:53.080
<v Speaker 2>really drunk?

0:07:53.200 --> 0:07:56.080
<v Speaker 1>Okay? So I had been drinking all day and then

0:07:56.160 --> 0:07:59.760
<v Speaker 1>I went to I invited Jamila and a few friends

0:07:59.840 --> 0:08:03.680
<v Speaker 1>to my baby Daddy's show. He was performing, and so

0:08:03.720 --> 0:08:06.760
<v Speaker 1>I went to see his show. And why I went

0:08:06.840 --> 0:08:08.720
<v Speaker 1>to see his show, or why I've gone to see

0:08:08.800 --> 0:08:11.520
<v Speaker 1>multiples of his show? This is like the second round

0:08:11.560 --> 0:08:13.920
<v Speaker 1>of shows in two weeks. Yeah, like I've been, you know,

0:08:14.000 --> 0:08:17.160
<v Speaker 1>supporting his shows and supporting him because maybe I think

0:08:17.320 --> 0:08:18.920
<v Speaker 1>I think part of it is because it's what I'm

0:08:19.000 --> 0:08:22.280
<v Speaker 1>used to doing with him when he's here, just in

0:08:23.040 --> 0:08:25.360
<v Speaker 1>our relationship. I just support him, even like when I'm

0:08:25.360 --> 0:08:27.560
<v Speaker 1>mad at him, I want to support him. But I

0:08:27.640 --> 0:08:29.200
<v Speaker 1>know a lot of it also has to do with ego,

0:08:29.240 --> 0:08:31.360
<v Speaker 1>because I wanted to go and see, like what's going

0:08:31.400 --> 0:08:34.520
<v Speaker 1>on over there? What's happening? What's happening there? See there's

0:08:34.520 --> 0:08:37.120
<v Speaker 1>girls there? I don't know, like maybe a little bit,

0:08:37.120 --> 0:08:40.199
<v Speaker 1>but also like who are you hanging around? Just checking

0:08:40.320 --> 0:08:43.480
<v Speaker 1>in general, just because I don't always trust the people

0:08:43.520 --> 0:08:46.120
<v Speaker 1>he keeps close and those people also are around my kid,

0:08:46.800 --> 0:08:48.559
<v Speaker 1>which I told my therapists, and she goes, this is

0:08:48.600 --> 0:08:49.240
<v Speaker 1>not really.

0:08:49.040 --> 0:08:51.679
<v Speaker 2>Why Oh you got a real one?

0:08:51.600 --> 0:08:54.400
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, therapist not be playing. She like, is that really

0:08:54.400 --> 0:09:00.920
<v Speaker 1>why you went? Erica? I think so. Also, I don't know.

0:09:01.040 --> 0:09:04.280
<v Speaker 1>I don't know. Anyway, We've just been on good terms lately,

0:09:04.400 --> 0:09:06.480
<v Speaker 1>we haven't been arguing. And I was like, you know,

0:09:06.559 --> 0:09:09.880
<v Speaker 1>I know he's you know, work makes him happy. It's

0:09:09.920 --> 0:09:13.560
<v Speaker 1>when he's the happiest in all aspects of life. And

0:09:13.800 --> 0:09:16.559
<v Speaker 1>I love him and I love to see him happy,

0:09:16.600 --> 0:09:19.000
<v Speaker 1>and so I know, I feel like I haven't been

0:09:19.400 --> 0:09:21.920
<v Speaker 1>I haven't seen that in a long time, and so

0:09:22.000 --> 0:09:24.319
<v Speaker 1>I wanted to. I guess part of me like likes

0:09:24.320 --> 0:09:29.840
<v Speaker 1>to witness him in his element. So anyway, I went

0:09:29.960 --> 0:09:33.200
<v Speaker 1>to the show. I brought my girls. It was fun.

0:09:34.040 --> 0:09:39.640
<v Speaker 1>It just kept drinking, drinking, drinking, and then his show

0:09:39.760 --> 0:09:42.480
<v Speaker 1>ends and we go back to the dressing room and

0:09:42.600 --> 0:09:44.240
<v Speaker 1>I have to go pee, and so I walk into

0:09:44.280 --> 0:09:48.440
<v Speaker 1>the bathroom and he's in the bathroom, and I'm like, well,

0:09:48.520 --> 0:09:50.880
<v Speaker 1>fuck it. He's seen me pee four hundred thousand times,

0:09:50.960 --> 0:09:54.160
<v Speaker 1>so whatever. So I pulled down my pants and then

0:09:54.200 --> 0:09:57.400
<v Speaker 1>my phone drops in the toilet and then I like,

0:09:57.440 --> 0:09:59.480
<v Speaker 1>I'm trying to get it out. My pants are half down,

0:09:59.559 --> 0:10:02.400
<v Speaker 1>and I'm like drunk, and it's kind of a hot mess,

0:10:02.440 --> 0:10:04.640
<v Speaker 1>and I'm like laughing. And then he's laughing and he's

0:10:04.679 --> 0:10:06.400
<v Speaker 1>helping me get my phone out of the toilet and

0:10:06.440 --> 0:10:08.880
<v Speaker 1>it's all wet and it's gross, and then suddenly we're close,

0:10:11.360 --> 0:10:16.480
<v Speaker 1>and then and then I kissed him. Oh my god.

0:10:17.880 --> 0:10:22.360
<v Speaker 2>My self proclaimed I never never, I've never done it,

0:10:22.440 --> 0:10:25.000
<v Speaker 2>which I was honestly. I was out the room. I

0:10:25.000 --> 0:10:26.480
<v Speaker 2>mean I was in the room, but we're waiting for

0:10:26.480 --> 0:10:28.120
<v Speaker 2>her to come out the bathroom. Someone else had to pee,

0:10:28.120 --> 0:10:30.480
<v Speaker 2>one of our friends, one of her very investigative friends.

0:10:31.160 --> 0:10:34.360
<v Speaker 2>And I'm so drunk. But after first I was sitting

0:10:34.400 --> 0:10:35.920
<v Speaker 2>away from them and I was looking at them and

0:10:35.920 --> 0:10:38.319
<v Speaker 2>I'm like, hm, she has been there a minute. So

0:10:38.440 --> 0:10:39.920
<v Speaker 2>I moved next to them, like she's been in there

0:10:39.920 --> 0:10:41.559
<v Speaker 2>a long time. I'm like, yeah, but I'm not worried

0:10:41.559 --> 0:10:44.920
<v Speaker 2>about that. There's nothing happening in that bath there. Then

0:10:44.960 --> 0:10:47.320
<v Speaker 2>like three more minutes go by, I'm like, hmmm, could

0:10:47.320 --> 0:10:50.079
<v Speaker 2>it be. It's like no, there's no way, there's no way.

0:10:50.080 --> 0:10:51.760
<v Speaker 2>And like two more minutes go by and she's like, oh,

0:10:51.760 --> 0:10:53.760
<v Speaker 2>I know something's happening in that and I'm like, no,

0:10:53.920 --> 0:10:55.760
<v Speaker 2>there's no way. And then I'm like, what the fuck

0:10:55.800 --> 0:10:58.240
<v Speaker 2>is happening in that bathroom? So then she comes out

0:10:58.320 --> 0:11:04.480
<v Speaker 2>all guilty looking damn sure enough, you overst the baby

0:11:04.520 --> 0:11:08.400
<v Speaker 2>daddy boundary. I mean I've done it like four thousand times.

0:11:08.440 --> 0:11:10.960
<v Speaker 1>Just like the moment I did it, I felt regret

0:11:11.160 --> 0:11:12.960
<v Speaker 1>and like, I don't know, like I did it and

0:11:13.000 --> 0:11:15.079
<v Speaker 1>I saw it happening. It was like slow motion, like

0:11:15.120 --> 0:11:18.160
<v Speaker 1>I saw his face like coming towards me. I specifically

0:11:18.200 --> 0:11:20.720
<v Speaker 1>remember his teeth for some reason, I don't know. He

0:11:20.760 --> 0:11:26.199
<v Speaker 1>was smiling and I said, and then finally I knew

0:11:26.240 --> 0:11:30.160
<v Speaker 1>she loved me. And then at the moment I walked

0:11:30.160 --> 0:11:33.280
<v Speaker 1>out of the bathroom, my friend Jessica was like her

0:11:33.320 --> 0:11:35.360
<v Speaker 1>head like she was literally the first person I saw

0:11:35.520 --> 0:11:37.200
<v Speaker 1>her head like popped out of the crowd and was like,

0:11:37.520 --> 0:11:39.840
<v Speaker 1>what are you doing? And I was like, oh my god,

0:11:40.080 --> 0:11:44.920
<v Speaker 1>like judgment. Fuck, So yeah, I did that. Did you

0:11:45.000 --> 0:11:46.840
<v Speaker 1>feel anything? Was that where you did it? To if

0:11:46.840 --> 0:11:48.800
<v Speaker 1>he's to see if you would feel anything. I think

0:11:48.840 --> 0:11:52.320
<v Speaker 1>part of it was that it was a culmination of things,

0:11:52.320 --> 0:11:54.360
<v Speaker 1>and that's why I'm saying, like I can't make bad

0:11:54.440 --> 0:11:56.680
<v Speaker 1>choices anymore and then not over analyze them. And like

0:11:56.800 --> 0:12:00.760
<v Speaker 1>part of me, like in my analyzation is that word animalization.

0:12:00.800 --> 0:12:03.400
<v Speaker 1>It sounds about right. Of what how this came to

0:12:03.440 --> 0:12:05.680
<v Speaker 1>be is I think a large part of it is ego,

0:12:06.400 --> 0:12:10.720
<v Speaker 1>because I just felt like I wanted to assert myself

0:12:10.920 --> 0:12:13.960
<v Speaker 1>in the room and in that situation, I wanted to

0:12:13.960 --> 0:12:16.880
<v Speaker 1>make sure. I wanted to see if he would still

0:12:16.880 --> 0:12:19.320
<v Speaker 1>be receptive to me, which I kind of knew he would,

0:12:20.000 --> 0:12:22.240
<v Speaker 1>but I wanted I also wanted to see if I

0:12:22.240 --> 0:12:26.560
<v Speaker 1>could if I felt anything. I was, I've been horny.

0:12:27.120 --> 0:12:29.520
<v Speaker 1>It was just like a bunch of things, like I

0:12:29.640 --> 0:12:31.720
<v Speaker 1>just watched him on stage, which you know is a

0:12:31.760 --> 0:12:34.160
<v Speaker 1>turn on, like whether or not I want to admit

0:12:34.240 --> 0:12:40.640
<v Speaker 1>it or not watching someone in their element. So it

0:12:40.679 --> 0:12:43.040
<v Speaker 1>was just it was just all fucked up, and I

0:12:43.040 --> 0:12:45.520
<v Speaker 1>feel really guilty about it. I just feel like I

0:12:45.559 --> 0:12:48.760
<v Speaker 1>didn't want to lead him on and make him think like, Okay,

0:12:48.800 --> 0:12:50.280
<v Speaker 1>now we're gonna get back together and now there's a

0:12:50.320 --> 0:12:52.959
<v Speaker 1>future between us, and that's been like why I've been

0:12:53.000 --> 0:12:56.640
<v Speaker 1>so adamant about not doing that, and also because I

0:12:56.760 --> 0:13:00.840
<v Speaker 1>just haven't wanted to, you know, and I was just

0:13:00.880 --> 0:13:03.240
<v Speaker 1>beating myself up about it. And so anyway, I talked

0:13:03.240 --> 0:13:05.040
<v Speaker 1>to my therapist and I was telling her what I

0:13:05.080 --> 0:13:07.040
<v Speaker 1>did and she was like, well, why do you think

0:13:07.040 --> 0:13:08.520
<v Speaker 1>you did that? And I told her all those reasons

0:13:08.520 --> 0:13:10.199
<v Speaker 1>and she said, yeah, but there's something deeper than that.

0:13:10.280 --> 0:13:12.800
<v Speaker 1>I was like, what daddy issues because obviously, like that's

0:13:12.880 --> 0:13:16.320
<v Speaker 1>like where everyone goes yeah, and she said well yeah,

0:13:16.360 --> 0:13:18.600
<v Speaker 1>and I said, well, of course I have daddy issues,

0:13:18.640 --> 0:13:20.240
<v Speaker 1>like that's not a secret. And she's like, yeah, but

0:13:20.280 --> 0:13:22.720
<v Speaker 1>like what is it that you know? What are your

0:13:22.760 --> 0:13:24.920
<v Speaker 1>daddy issues? Like did you not feel secure? Did you

0:13:25.000 --> 0:13:27.680
<v Speaker 1>need you didn't get the attention you want. I was like,

0:13:27.679 --> 0:13:31.960
<v Speaker 1>it's all those things. And as we started talking about it,

0:13:32.000 --> 0:13:34.600
<v Speaker 1>I started getting emotional about talking about my dad, which

0:13:35.200 --> 0:13:37.400
<v Speaker 1>I feel like I've I thought I've worked past all

0:13:37.440 --> 0:13:41.400
<v Speaker 1>those things. I mean, but I guess there's still a

0:13:41.440 --> 0:13:44.040
<v Speaker 1>part of me. Obviously. She's like, there's still that little

0:13:44.080 --> 0:13:46.880
<v Speaker 1>girl inside of you that hasn't worked past it, which

0:13:46.880 --> 0:13:49.520
<v Speaker 1>is why you're getting emotional now, which is why you

0:13:49.800 --> 0:13:51.800
<v Speaker 1>are always seek male attention. If you don't get it

0:13:51.800 --> 0:13:53.360
<v Speaker 1>from the person you want, you're going to get it

0:13:53.400 --> 0:13:57.520
<v Speaker 1>from somewhere, somehow else. And that's always true for me.

0:13:57.840 --> 0:13:59.520
<v Speaker 2>Like, oh, like, if you're not getting male attention from

0:13:59.520 --> 0:14:01.079
<v Speaker 2>the person you want to get it from, you'll divert

0:14:01.120 --> 0:14:02.040
<v Speaker 2>it to the next person.

0:14:02.559 --> 0:14:05.760
<v Speaker 1>I think it's just yeah, I mean, is that human nature? Though?

0:14:05.920 --> 0:14:09.040
<v Speaker 1>Well she said no, oh okay, she said no, that's

0:14:09.120 --> 0:14:11.320
<v Speaker 1>daddy issues, because that's what I said. I said, well,

0:14:11.320 --> 0:14:12.920
<v Speaker 1>don't women do that. She's like no, I was like,

0:14:13.040 --> 0:14:16.040
<v Speaker 1>I She's like, I was raised by my dad. My

0:14:16.160 --> 0:14:19.360
<v Speaker 1>issues are my mom issues. I don't seek male attention,

0:14:19.720 --> 0:14:21.320
<v Speaker 1>don't I don't feel like I need that if I'm

0:14:21.320 --> 0:14:25.520
<v Speaker 1>not getting male attention from someone whatever, you know, And

0:14:25.600 --> 0:14:27.480
<v Speaker 1>she's like, obviously, there's a lot of factors that play

0:14:27.520 --> 0:14:30.800
<v Speaker 1>into play into that. It's not solely one thing, but

0:14:30.960 --> 0:14:32.720
<v Speaker 1>a lot of it is rooted. And you know, your

0:14:32.760 --> 0:14:36.520
<v Speaker 1>first you know, the first male figure in your life,

0:14:36.600 --> 0:14:38.920
<v Speaker 1>whether he was there, whether he was wasn't there. Maybe

0:14:38.960 --> 0:14:41.000
<v Speaker 1>he was there but wasn't giving you the attention you wanted,

0:14:41.040 --> 0:14:42.840
<v Speaker 1>wasn't showing up for you in the ways you wanted

0:14:42.920 --> 0:14:46.680
<v Speaker 1>them to show up for you and all those things

0:14:46.720 --> 0:14:49.480
<v Speaker 1>are true for me. And she's said, and I said, Okay,

0:14:49.480 --> 0:14:51.320
<v Speaker 1>what am I supposed to do about that? Like how

0:14:51.320 --> 0:14:53.360
<v Speaker 1>do I She's like, well, when you feel the need

0:14:53.480 --> 0:14:59.040
<v Speaker 1>to for male attention, when you know it's not necessarily

0:14:59.360 --> 0:15:02.480
<v Speaker 1>it's not real, then you need to talk check in

0:15:02.520 --> 0:15:05.200
<v Speaker 1>with yourself and be like do I really do I

0:15:05.240 --> 0:15:09.480
<v Speaker 1>really want this and be strong enough to say don't say, well,

0:15:09.480 --> 0:15:10.760
<v Speaker 1>fuck it, I just want to do what I want

0:15:10.760 --> 0:15:12.960
<v Speaker 1>to do, because that's what I do. Often. I'm aware

0:15:13.000 --> 0:15:15.040
<v Speaker 1>of it, but I'm like, whatever, I'll deal with the better.

0:15:15.600 --> 0:15:17.240
<v Speaker 1>And the more I keep doing that, the more this

0:15:17.280 --> 0:15:20.160
<v Speaker 1>is just gonna continue going. And like I don't want

0:15:20.160 --> 0:15:21.880
<v Speaker 1>it to continue or I don't want to confuse my

0:15:21.960 --> 0:15:24.600
<v Speaker 1>relationship with my father, my daughter's father, Like we're in

0:15:24.640 --> 0:15:26.960
<v Speaker 1>a really good place, like we've been getting along really well,

0:15:27.120 --> 0:15:31.280
<v Speaker 1>and this is what I asked for, This is what

0:15:31.360 --> 0:15:33.600
<v Speaker 1>I asked for. I want. I wanted to have a

0:15:33.640 --> 0:15:35.920
<v Speaker 1>relationship with him. I wanted to have a friendship with him,

0:15:35.920 --> 0:15:38.360
<v Speaker 1>and that's what we're working towards. And it's not enough

0:15:38.480 --> 0:15:40.920
<v Speaker 1>now now that he's giving me what I want, Now

0:15:40.960 --> 0:15:43.400
<v Speaker 1>I want more. I want his attention. I want him

0:15:43.400 --> 0:15:46.520
<v Speaker 1>to want me. You know, it's so fucked up. It is.

0:15:46.640 --> 0:15:48.760
<v Speaker 1>It is. And you know what, when you're used to like.

0:15:49.040 --> 0:15:52.880
<v Speaker 2>Having a companion, the way you're close with your baby daddy,

0:15:52.920 --> 0:15:55.000
<v Speaker 2>the way I'm close I was, We were close in

0:15:55.040 --> 0:15:59.480
<v Speaker 2>those spaces, it's like almost like routine to be in this,

0:15:59.600 --> 0:16:01.320
<v Speaker 2>to be an certain way. I'll write a show together.

0:16:01.400 --> 0:16:02.840
<v Speaker 2>Oh it's not a video of PE's not a video

0:16:03.040 --> 0:16:05.600
<v Speaker 2>because like because that's what it is. It's comfortability, Like

0:16:05.640 --> 0:16:08.360
<v Speaker 2>this is my homie almost, And so the loss of that.

0:16:08.440 --> 0:16:10.880
<v Speaker 2>I don't think people like women recognize there's a morning

0:16:11.040 --> 0:16:13.119
<v Speaker 2>that takes place in any breakup early.

0:16:13.120 --> 0:16:15.600
<v Speaker 1>But this, particularly when it's with the person you've.

0:16:15.400 --> 0:16:18.880
<v Speaker 2>Created a child with, You've never experienced that with anyone before.

0:16:19.000 --> 0:16:22.240
<v Speaker 2>Like this is a very vulnerable place, and as women

0:16:22.560 --> 0:16:25.600
<v Speaker 2>and society tells us, like there's something it's supposed to happen.

0:16:25.640 --> 0:16:26.640
<v Speaker 1>We're supposed to work.

0:16:26.440 --> 0:16:29.040
<v Speaker 2>With a fucking picket fence, even when you know they're crazy,

0:16:29.080 --> 0:16:33.080
<v Speaker 2>even when they know it doesn't work. But like it's

0:16:33.400 --> 0:16:38.280
<v Speaker 2>I can get I get emotional now still with shit

0:16:38.560 --> 0:16:41.520
<v Speaker 2>with my baby daddy, just because it's still such a.

0:16:43.600 --> 0:16:45.600
<v Speaker 1>It's still such a like a vulnerable place.

0:16:46.200 --> 0:16:50.520
<v Speaker 2>Uh and even not even just that likely who tapt

0:16:50.640 --> 0:16:54.960
<v Speaker 2>like go backwards, but also healing from it, like you

0:16:55.000 --> 0:16:58.800
<v Speaker 2>know what I mean reopening that Have you really healed

0:16:58.800 --> 0:17:01.360
<v Speaker 2>from the pain that he's inflicted on you? And can

0:17:01.440 --> 0:17:06.440
<v Speaker 2>you imagine overstepping that boundary when that wound is still

0:17:06.480 --> 0:17:09.720
<v Speaker 2>not completely healed. I was at one of my girlfriend's

0:17:09.760 --> 0:17:13.639
<v Speaker 2>house and she's engaged, but the guy talks to her

0:17:13.680 --> 0:17:16.760
<v Speaker 2>crazy and it's on a regular basis, and it's to

0:17:16.800 --> 0:17:19.960
<v Speaker 2>the point where I'm like, yo, chill and I've said

0:17:20.000 --> 0:17:21.320
<v Speaker 2>something and then like, don't say anything.

0:17:21.320 --> 0:17:22.880
<v Speaker 1>It's not your place. And it's like, okay, I.

0:17:22.840 --> 0:17:25.480
<v Speaker 2>Get it, but like yes, like the other day, I

0:17:25.560 --> 0:17:27.800
<v Speaker 2>was like he did something. I'm like squeezing her, like

0:17:27.800 --> 0:17:29.399
<v Speaker 2>you know what, something is uncomfortable, you like push your

0:17:29.400 --> 0:17:30.560
<v Speaker 2>friend's knee or something.

0:17:31.280 --> 0:17:33.760
<v Speaker 1>And afterwards it was just annoying.

0:17:33.800 --> 0:17:36.440
<v Speaker 2>It just bothered me, and I realized I was triggered

0:17:36.520 --> 0:17:38.840
<v Speaker 2>because I've been in a relationship that was.

0:17:38.840 --> 0:17:41.760
<v Speaker 1>Verbally abusive, that was abusive, and it just.

0:17:42.320 --> 0:17:45.800
<v Speaker 2>I just realized how triggered I am by it by

0:17:45.840 --> 0:17:49.200
<v Speaker 2>seeing someone else experience it and them being so numb

0:17:49.280 --> 0:17:51.520
<v Speaker 2>to it, and it just made me realize, like there's

0:17:51.600 --> 0:17:55.560
<v Speaker 2>so much healing that still has to take place, and

0:17:55.840 --> 0:17:57.439
<v Speaker 2>we haven't been together in three years.

0:17:59.440 --> 0:18:03.160
<v Speaker 1>I know it's it's it's so true because I realized too,

0:18:03.240 --> 0:18:07.119
<v Speaker 1>Like I thought that even when I was talking to

0:18:07.119 --> 0:18:09.080
<v Speaker 1>my therapist and she was saying I was like, well

0:18:09.160 --> 0:18:13.160
<v Speaker 1>she was, I was. She said, you guys, they're still

0:18:13.160 --> 0:18:15.480
<v Speaker 1>healing to be done. I know you want to be friends, Erica,

0:18:15.560 --> 0:18:18.760
<v Speaker 1>but I don't know if that's possible. Like, you guys

0:18:18.800 --> 0:18:22.080
<v Speaker 1>need to just be co parenting, like you can't because

0:18:22.080 --> 0:18:23.960
<v Speaker 1>if you don't, then you're just gonna keep going in

0:18:24.000 --> 0:18:26.320
<v Speaker 1>this limbo, in this cycle. You like, and you don't

0:18:26.320 --> 0:18:28.200
<v Speaker 1>want to repeat what you repeated the other night, right,

0:18:28.280 --> 0:18:30.240
<v Speaker 1>because that's not really what you want. You don't want

0:18:30.280 --> 0:18:32.239
<v Speaker 1>to fall down that trap. You don't want to lead

0:18:32.320 --> 0:18:34.320
<v Speaker 1>him on and then have him, you know, end up

0:18:34.320 --> 0:18:37.040
<v Speaker 1>being mad at you later and then having to basically

0:18:37.280 --> 0:18:40.160
<v Speaker 1>do a whole like reheal everything all over again.

0:18:40.640 --> 0:18:42.639
<v Speaker 2>You were like, really, my baby, we still are my

0:18:42.680 --> 0:18:45.119
<v Speaker 2>baby mama idol in that sense, I'm like, well, this

0:18:45.200 --> 0:18:48.600
<v Speaker 2>bitch is never backs up and I've and we both.

0:18:48.359 --> 0:18:51.960
<v Speaker 1>Have our baby mama idol single baby mama you're my single.

0:18:51.680 --> 0:18:54.280
<v Speaker 2>Baby mama idol because you never mess back with your

0:18:54.280 --> 0:18:55.640
<v Speaker 2>baby daddy after it was over.

0:18:55.800 --> 0:18:59.000
<v Speaker 1>It's so admirable. Girl. It's real hard out here, but

0:18:59.160 --> 0:19:00.359
<v Speaker 1>somebody has to do. Wait.

0:19:00.960 --> 0:19:04.080
<v Speaker 2>I was looking empty for the longest, but now now

0:19:04.080 --> 0:19:06.040
<v Speaker 2>I'm just normal and basically like everybody else.

0:19:07.200 --> 0:19:09.680
<v Speaker 1>I mean, honestly just made out, which is great, bitch

0:19:09.800 --> 0:19:12.639
<v Speaker 1>like me. And actually he pulled away.

0:19:13.640 --> 0:19:16.600
<v Speaker 2>Mmmm wait, like so you would have maybe continued. Probably

0:19:16.680 --> 0:19:18.600
<v Speaker 2>I was drunk, oh right, so like if you would

0:19:18.640 --> 0:19:19.760
<v Speaker 2>have turned you over back?

0:19:20.520 --> 0:19:23.720
<v Speaker 1>Maybe not maybe, I don't know who knows, but he

0:19:23.760 --> 0:19:26.240
<v Speaker 1>probably was like what's happening? He probably yeah. And then

0:19:28.280 --> 0:19:30.840
<v Speaker 1>and then because we're in the bathroom and I was

0:19:30.960 --> 0:19:32.919
<v Speaker 1>drunk when we pulled away, then he was he was

0:19:32.920 --> 0:19:35.240
<v Speaker 1>like getting dressed when this was happening. So then he

0:19:35.280 --> 0:19:37.200
<v Speaker 1>was getting dressed like he was naked, and he was

0:19:37.240 --> 0:19:39.639
<v Speaker 1>like putting clothes on. And then I was in the background,

0:19:39.760 --> 0:19:41.280
<v Speaker 1>like the mirrors in front of it, like we're both

0:19:41.320 --> 0:19:43.320
<v Speaker 1>facing the mirror, but I'm against the wall and he's

0:19:43.359 --> 0:19:46.000
<v Speaker 1>getting dressed, and I I just like was making all

0:19:46.000 --> 0:19:49.320
<v Speaker 1>these faces because I was like having so much turmoil happen.

0:19:49.400 --> 0:19:53.399
<v Speaker 1>I was just like what do I do? Oh my god, Okay,

0:19:53.400 --> 0:19:55.359
<v Speaker 1>wait it's fine. No, wait it's not okay. Wait what

0:19:55.400 --> 0:19:57.240
<v Speaker 1>is he gonna think? Fuck? I'm drunk? Oh my god.

0:19:57.480 --> 0:19:59.600
<v Speaker 1>And then like I see him looking at me and

0:19:59.600 --> 0:20:03.200
<v Speaker 1>he's like, are you okay? How drunk were you didn't

0:20:03.240 --> 0:20:05.320
<v Speaker 1>realize that he could see you? And I don't know.

0:20:05.640 --> 0:20:07.520
<v Speaker 1>It was just like couldn't help it. You know, I'm

0:20:07.560 --> 0:20:09.040
<v Speaker 1>like one of those people that it's really hard my

0:20:09.080 --> 0:20:11.800
<v Speaker 1>facial expressions. I can't get them together as much as

0:20:11.800 --> 0:20:14.359
<v Speaker 1>I try, especially with Tequila's involved. Like I don't know,

0:20:14.440 --> 0:20:16.439
<v Speaker 1>I just didn't give a fuck, And until I realized

0:20:16.440 --> 0:20:18.679
<v Speaker 1>he saw all the facial expressions that I was making,

0:20:18.800 --> 0:20:24.360
<v Speaker 1>which was like fear, anxiety, like drunkness, like regret, confusion,

0:20:24.640 --> 0:20:26.159
<v Speaker 1>like it was all wrapped in one. And then I

0:20:26.200 --> 0:20:27.399
<v Speaker 1>looked at myself in the mir and I was like,

0:20:27.440 --> 0:20:30.320
<v Speaker 1>oh god. And so it was just and then you

0:20:30.359 --> 0:20:33.000
<v Speaker 1>know what annoyed me afterwards, which is so also ego driven,

0:20:33.800 --> 0:20:35.920
<v Speaker 1>because after we left, we got out of the room

0:20:35.960 --> 0:20:38.359
<v Speaker 1>and we sat down and everyone was probably like, what

0:20:38.359 --> 0:20:39.800
<v Speaker 1>the fuck do they do? And they I probably thought

0:20:39.840 --> 0:20:43.520
<v Speaker 1>we had sex, which we did not. I asked him.

0:20:43.560 --> 0:20:45.080
<v Speaker 1>I said I was like, so, what are you doing tonight?

0:20:46.760 --> 0:20:52.119
<v Speaker 1>Because apparently I cared and he was like, I'm gonna go.

0:20:52.160 --> 0:20:53.720
<v Speaker 1>I think I'm gonna go to the strip club. And

0:20:53.760 --> 0:21:00.359
<v Speaker 1>I was immediately triggered and pissed because there's no reason

0:21:00.400 --> 0:21:03.840
<v Speaker 1>for me to be but because because I was just like,

0:21:04.000 --> 0:21:06.719
<v Speaker 1>so you don't want to hang out with me? The fuck? Also,

0:21:07.080 --> 0:21:10.840
<v Speaker 1>the strip club you spent like he spent most of

0:21:10.880 --> 0:21:13.879
<v Speaker 1>my pregnancy in the strip club, And that was this

0:21:13.920 --> 0:21:16.159
<v Speaker 1>is a trigger for you. It's a super trigger for me.

0:21:16.760 --> 0:21:20.040
<v Speaker 1>I don't trust strippers the offense. If you're one, I

0:21:20.160 --> 0:21:23.080
<v Speaker 1>just have had bad experiences. And I was just like, Nikka,

0:21:23.119 --> 0:21:24.919
<v Speaker 1>I just fucking kissed you, and you can go to

0:21:24.960 --> 0:21:27.200
<v Speaker 1>the motherfuckers strip club. And then I was like, where

0:21:27.600 --> 0:21:30.480
<v Speaker 1>which strip club you at? Carson? I was like Carson.

0:21:30.600 --> 0:21:34.400
<v Speaker 1>I was like, I was like, Okay, this is why

0:21:34.960 --> 0:21:36.960
<v Speaker 1>this is why we're not. You don't even go to

0:21:37.000 --> 0:21:39.239
<v Speaker 1>the good show. You don't even go to the good one. Well,

0:21:39.280 --> 0:21:41.040
<v Speaker 1>maybe maybe there's a good one out there. I know

0:21:41.119 --> 0:21:44.520
<v Speaker 1>you don't know, but all those things, why does that

0:21:44.560 --> 0:21:47.560
<v Speaker 1>matter to me? It shouldn't matter. And then the next

0:21:47.640 --> 0:21:49.920
<v Speaker 1>day didn't matter. Like the next day after I wasn't drunk,

0:21:49.920 --> 0:21:52.760
<v Speaker 1>and I wasn't emotional for no fucking reason. I was like, yeah,

0:21:52.800 --> 0:21:54.760
<v Speaker 1>of course he's going to the strip club. That's what

0:21:54.800 --> 0:21:57.440
<v Speaker 1>he does, you know, And like that's what and that's

0:21:57.440 --> 0:21:59.400
<v Speaker 1>what he should do. That's who he is, and that's

0:21:59.400 --> 0:22:01.840
<v Speaker 1>no judgment. That's what brings him joy and makes him

0:22:02.119 --> 0:22:04.960
<v Speaker 1>and that's what he wants to do after a successful show,

0:22:05.000 --> 0:22:06.639
<v Speaker 1>then by all means, go do that. It's not my

0:22:06.800 --> 0:22:09.520
<v Speaker 1>place to be mad at him about it, and I

0:22:09.600 --> 0:22:12.040
<v Speaker 1>like was mad. I was annoyed with myself that I

0:22:12.080 --> 0:22:14.359
<v Speaker 1>got annoyed, got annoyed, and then I judged him and

0:22:14.440 --> 0:22:16.439
<v Speaker 1>all those things because he's doing what the fuck he

0:22:16.480 --> 0:22:16.919
<v Speaker 1>wants to do.

0:22:19.160 --> 0:22:24.640
<v Speaker 2>Did your therapist offer you any advice, like actively right

0:22:24.680 --> 0:22:29.000
<v Speaker 2>now in your adulthood, like what can help daddy issues,

0:22:29.040 --> 0:22:31.200
<v Speaker 2>like spending more time with your dad right now to

0:22:31.480 --> 0:22:33.000
<v Speaker 2>like maybe well.

0:22:32.960 --> 0:22:35.280
<v Speaker 1>She asked, She asked about the state of my relationship

0:22:35.280 --> 0:22:36.840
<v Speaker 1>with him right now, and I told him I to

0:22:37.040 --> 0:22:38.760
<v Speaker 1>re fine. I was. I was like, she's liked you

0:22:38.800 --> 0:22:43.000
<v Speaker 1>see him often. I was like, no, does that bother you?

0:22:43.080 --> 0:22:45.080
<v Speaker 1>I said, you know it does sometimes, only because I

0:22:45.119 --> 0:22:47.280
<v Speaker 1>see him out with my brothers and sisters. And he

0:22:47.440 --> 0:22:49.240
<v Speaker 1>very plays an active role in their life. But I've

0:22:49.240 --> 0:22:51.640
<v Speaker 1>almost got become numb to it at this point, and

0:22:51.680 --> 0:22:53.560
<v Speaker 1>it's not And some of it has to do with

0:22:53.600 --> 0:22:58.119
<v Speaker 1>me too. I don't always make the effort either. You know, therapies,

0:22:58.200 --> 0:22:59.160
<v Speaker 1>you like he therapies.

0:22:59.200 --> 0:22:59.280
<v Speaker 2>Me.

0:23:00.119 --> 0:23:03.439
<v Speaker 1>I do you think it's healthy to be numb to it?

0:23:03.480 --> 0:23:06.440
<v Speaker 1>Because obviously, no, it's not. It's absolutely unhealthy. And that's

0:23:06.440 --> 0:23:07.920
<v Speaker 1>why I kissed my baby daddy.

0:23:09.080 --> 0:23:12.919
<v Speaker 2>Okay, right, But she also trikes me to the conclusion

0:23:12.960 --> 0:23:13.720
<v Speaker 2>of why we're here.

0:23:13.800 --> 0:23:16.800
<v Speaker 1>Well, she said that I just need to figure out

0:23:16.840 --> 0:23:20.040
<v Speaker 1>how to play the role that my dad didn't. I'm

0:23:20.040 --> 0:23:22.879
<v Speaker 1>never going to get back those those years. So whatever

0:23:22.920 --> 0:23:25.240
<v Speaker 1>it is that that's missing for me, I need to

0:23:25.560 --> 0:23:28.520
<v Speaker 1>find out how to fulfill that within myself by myself,

0:23:28.560 --> 0:23:30.920
<v Speaker 1>and not try to find a man to fulfill those

0:23:30.920 --> 0:23:34.080
<v Speaker 1>things because I'll constantly be disappointed. And I know that.

0:23:34.440 --> 0:23:36.080
<v Speaker 1>I know that, And I told her, I said, yeah,

0:23:36.119 --> 0:23:38.359
<v Speaker 1>that all sounds good. I already know that, but like.

0:23:38.680 --> 0:23:40.600
<v Speaker 2>Why don't you just ask your dad to like go

0:23:40.600 --> 0:23:42.560
<v Speaker 2>on a dinner date every two weeks instead of day?

0:23:42.720 --> 0:23:44.920
<v Speaker 1>Maybe? I mean, yeah, I need to make a bigger

0:23:44.960 --> 0:23:45.680
<v Speaker 1>effort and.

0:23:45.640 --> 0:23:48.359
<v Speaker 2>Be like okay, like, let's every second Monday, let's go

0:23:48.440 --> 0:23:49.040
<v Speaker 2>out to dinner.

0:23:49.119 --> 0:23:50.560
<v Speaker 1>And I told her And I told her, She's like,

0:23:50.560 --> 0:23:52.320
<v Speaker 1>are you happy with the state of your relationship? I said,

0:23:52.320 --> 0:23:54.600
<v Speaker 1>I'm fine with it. And I said, but if my

0:23:54.680 --> 0:23:57.520
<v Speaker 1>dad were to die today, would I be Would I

0:23:57.560 --> 0:24:00.359
<v Speaker 1>have regrets about the state of our relationship? Absolutely? And

0:24:00.359 --> 0:24:01.880
<v Speaker 1>she's like, if you can say that, then you need

0:24:01.920 --> 0:24:04.840
<v Speaker 1>to do work. Yeah, like a period. I mean there's

0:24:04.880 --> 0:24:05.959
<v Speaker 1>And I was like, but I feel like I can

0:24:06.040 --> 0:24:07.119
<v Speaker 1>say that about Addy.

0:24:07.359 --> 0:24:10.440
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, that's true. But that's taking it so deep. Wow, Eric,

0:24:10.800 --> 0:24:11.440
<v Speaker 2>you know I'm deep.

0:24:12.400 --> 0:24:14.920
<v Speaker 1>But because I think about death a lot, and do

0:24:15.040 --> 0:24:17.680
<v Speaker 1>you I do, Yeah, not in like a negative way,

0:24:17.720 --> 0:24:19.520
<v Speaker 1>but I think about like the people in my life

0:24:19.600 --> 0:24:21.600
<v Speaker 1>not being here one day and when how that would

0:24:21.600 --> 0:24:22.960
<v Speaker 1>make me feel, and how I deal with that and

0:24:22.960 --> 0:24:25.040
<v Speaker 1>how I navigate my relationships in that way. Well, I

0:24:25.040 --> 0:24:26.639
<v Speaker 1>guess that's healthy because it's true we're all going to

0:24:26.680 --> 0:24:29.400
<v Speaker 1>die one day, because that's really like when it comes,

0:24:29.440 --> 0:24:32.440
<v Speaker 1>that's when someone dies. That's when you fucking everything that

0:24:32.480 --> 0:24:36.119
<v Speaker 1>you've held so tightly too doesn't matter anymore. Like it

0:24:36.160 --> 0:24:38.280
<v Speaker 1>won't matter to me that my dad wasn't around. It's

0:24:38.280 --> 0:24:40.040
<v Speaker 1>going to matter to me. What did I do after

0:24:40.080 --> 0:24:42.440
<v Speaker 1>that to make it better? You know, like I can't

0:24:42.520 --> 0:24:45.160
<v Speaker 1>take back those years. I can't take back who he

0:24:45.280 --> 0:24:47.400
<v Speaker 1>was when he was in his early twenties as a

0:24:47.440 --> 0:24:50.119
<v Speaker 1>pro athlete that you know, his friends didn't want him

0:24:50.119 --> 0:24:52.720
<v Speaker 1>to have kids. He was just being a womanizer. Like,

0:24:52.720 --> 0:24:55.960
<v Speaker 1>I can't do anything about that, right, So I do

0:24:56.160 --> 0:24:58.719
<v Speaker 1>need to. I feel like I realized that I do.

0:24:58.840 --> 0:25:00.639
<v Speaker 1>You're right, I need to make a big effort to

0:25:01.720 --> 0:25:03.400
<v Speaker 1>hang out with him. I think I think I've gotten

0:25:03.440 --> 0:25:05.119
<v Speaker 1>to the point it's a habit now where I'm just like, well,

0:25:05.119 --> 0:25:06.359
<v Speaker 1>if you're not gonna make an effort, I'm not. And

0:25:06.400 --> 0:25:08.280
<v Speaker 1>it's not even in a negative way. It's just like

0:25:08.640 --> 0:25:14.000
<v Speaker 1>it is what it is, right, you know. So that happened,

0:25:15.119 --> 0:25:20.000
<v Speaker 1>and then I also ended my dating situation. It's with

0:25:20.119 --> 0:25:21.840
<v Speaker 1>happy Bay. I feel like this is like the fourth

0:25:21.880 --> 0:25:24.080
<v Speaker 1>time you've said that. No, but like really ended it

0:25:24.119 --> 0:25:26.760
<v Speaker 1>when you Bay, but you have said I don't think

0:25:26.760 --> 0:25:28.399
<v Speaker 1>I've said it on the podcast, but I said we

0:25:28.400 --> 0:25:30.439
<v Speaker 1>should just like yeah, but then we didn't really and

0:25:30.440 --> 0:25:32.159
<v Speaker 1>we're still telling each other we love each other and

0:25:32.200 --> 0:25:34.399
<v Speaker 1>dah dah da da dah. And I just had to

0:25:34.480 --> 0:25:41.960
<v Speaker 1>like really lay realize that, like I, I've been treating

0:25:42.040 --> 0:25:45.760
<v Speaker 1>him like my boyfriend when he's not my boyfriend. Why

0:25:45.800 --> 0:25:47.920
<v Speaker 1>do I do that? Why would he ever want to

0:25:47.960 --> 0:25:51.600
<v Speaker 1>be my boyfriend if I'm already giving him boyfriend privileges.

0:25:52.640 --> 0:25:55.159
<v Speaker 1>And that's what women do, not all women, but I

0:25:55.240 --> 0:25:58.439
<v Speaker 1>do because I'm a nurturer, you know. I want you

0:25:58.520 --> 0:26:00.600
<v Speaker 1>to feel loved. I want to give you my love.

0:26:00.640 --> 0:26:03.159
<v Speaker 1>I want to spend all my time with you. I

0:26:03.160 --> 0:26:05.960
<v Speaker 1>don't like playing games. I'm not good at them. I

0:26:06.000 --> 0:26:07.280
<v Speaker 1>can do it for like a few days, and then

0:26:07.280 --> 0:26:10.600
<v Speaker 1>I'm like, fuck this, Well, we're all or nothing. You know,

0:26:11.240 --> 0:26:12.560
<v Speaker 1>when you like someone, it's.

0:26:12.440 --> 0:26:15.280
<v Speaker 2>Easy to be infatuated and go all out and want

0:26:15.320 --> 0:26:18.119
<v Speaker 2>to show like your peacock feathers, like look at these

0:26:18.200 --> 0:26:19.240
<v Speaker 2>dance moves, look at these.

0:26:19.160 --> 0:26:22.400
<v Speaker 1>Meal I can't cook, you know, So I get it.

0:26:22.920 --> 0:26:24.800
<v Speaker 2>I was with some when we discussed what we might

0:26:24.840 --> 0:26:26.600
<v Speaker 2>be talking about today, as with some guys, and I

0:26:26.680 --> 0:26:27.199
<v Speaker 2>brought this up.

0:26:27.240 --> 0:26:29.280
<v Speaker 1>I'm not sure if I like follow it all the way, but.

0:26:30.240 --> 0:26:34.760
<v Speaker 2>Basically, yeah, why initiate a conversation if anything seriousness, if

0:26:35.160 --> 0:26:36.479
<v Speaker 2>you're comfortable.

0:26:36.720 --> 0:26:39.400
<v Speaker 1>Wait, what do you mean? Oh? Why why why make girls,

0:26:39.560 --> 0:26:40.480
<v Speaker 1>I was asking.

0:26:40.200 --> 0:26:43.280
<v Speaker 2>How often do you as how do you how often

0:26:43.520 --> 0:26:46.240
<v Speaker 2>like if a woman doesn't bring up the conversation, how

0:26:46.240 --> 0:26:47.399
<v Speaker 2>often have you brought it up?

0:26:47.440 --> 0:26:48.400
<v Speaker 1>Like, hey, what are we doing here?

0:26:48.440 --> 0:26:50.800
<v Speaker 2>Like when you really fuck with a woman, does it

0:26:50.840 --> 0:26:52.560
<v Speaker 2>inevitably come up in your mind?

0:26:52.760 --> 0:26:55.280
<v Speaker 1>Or is that something that you write it out? You

0:26:55.320 --> 0:26:56.679
<v Speaker 1>write it out or you wait for the woman to

0:26:56.680 --> 0:26:57.240
<v Speaker 1>bring it up.

0:26:57.640 --> 0:26:59.880
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, that's what I asked them, because because I've been

0:27:00.400 --> 0:27:02.960
<v Speaker 2>victim of like not being in relationships because I'm so

0:27:03.000 --> 0:27:05.080
<v Speaker 2>cool and I don't care and I'm not having that

0:27:05.119 --> 0:27:07.600
<v Speaker 2>conversation because it doesn't matter to me. And I also

0:27:07.600 --> 0:27:10.160
<v Speaker 2>feel like it's like a conversation a man should initiate

0:27:10.200 --> 0:27:12.040
<v Speaker 2>if you want, like I want you to be in

0:27:12.040 --> 0:27:14.320
<v Speaker 2>a space where you're like, oh, I value you, I

0:27:14.400 --> 0:27:16.679
<v Speaker 2>want to be with you, like I let's explore like

0:27:16.920 --> 0:27:19.439
<v Speaker 2>who we are in each other's lives. I would like

0:27:19.480 --> 0:27:22.280
<v Speaker 2>a man to initiate that conversation. Nine times out of ten,

0:27:22.560 --> 0:27:27.639
<v Speaker 2>these niggas don't. But that's ideal, But I just feel like,

0:27:30.080 --> 0:27:31.359
<v Speaker 2>the fuck what was I saying?

0:27:31.520 --> 0:27:34.119
<v Speaker 1>I said that, Oh they said that they don't do that.

0:27:34.800 --> 0:27:36.200
<v Speaker 2>Oh yeah, So one of the guys at the table

0:27:36.240 --> 0:27:38.960
<v Speaker 2>he was forty six. He had been married for I

0:27:38.960 --> 0:27:42.359
<v Speaker 2>think seventeen years. He said, he's only done that twice

0:27:42.400 --> 0:27:45.360
<v Speaker 2>in his life, once with his first wife and now

0:27:45.480 --> 0:27:48.800
<v Speaker 2>once with the woman he's with now. It took him,

0:27:48.920 --> 0:27:51.240
<v Speaker 2>he said, he got bamboozled the first time by his

0:27:51.280 --> 0:27:54.440
<v Speaker 2>first wife, his kid's mom. Then they have good he said,

0:27:54.480 --> 0:27:56.159
<v Speaker 2>we have a good relationship. I paid for her and

0:27:56.200 --> 0:27:59.080
<v Speaker 2>her new husband's reception, Like we just came from dinner.

0:27:59.440 --> 0:28:02.040
<v Speaker 1>He's like, the second how does that make the husband feel?

0:28:02.440 --> 0:28:02.919
<v Speaker 1>I don't know.

0:28:03.560 --> 0:28:08.439
<v Speaker 2>I would assume here should be thrilled. And this is

0:28:08.440 --> 0:28:10.840
<v Speaker 2>the second one, he said. It took me four years.

0:28:11.440 --> 0:28:14.200
<v Speaker 1>To They were dating just casually, he.

0:28:14.160 --> 0:28:16.199
<v Speaker 2>Said, but she was doing all the right ship And

0:28:16.200 --> 0:28:20.280
<v Speaker 2>he said, I just would I refuse to get bamboozled again.

0:28:20.640 --> 0:28:23.040
<v Speaker 2>So he did have it. He did do it again,

0:28:23.080 --> 0:28:26.159
<v Speaker 2>but it took him four years. Well did was she allus?

0:28:26.200 --> 0:28:28.160
<v Speaker 2>Was she under the impression they we already boyfriend and girlfriend?

0:28:28.320 --> 0:28:35.080
<v Speaker 4>Like no talking about a proposal or proposal? See that's

0:28:35.119 --> 0:28:39.120
<v Speaker 4>what I said. Four years I said, she having sex

0:28:39.200 --> 0:28:39.760
<v Speaker 4>with other people?

0:28:40.000 --> 0:28:43.200
<v Speaker 2>He said, even if she wasn't, I assumed that she

0:28:43.480 --> 0:28:46.680
<v Speaker 2>was because I was. I was so tainted by the

0:28:46.680 --> 0:28:47.360
<v Speaker 2>first situation.

0:28:47.480 --> 0:28:49.600
<v Speaker 1>So that's why. Well maybe they were farther along in

0:28:49.640 --> 0:28:51.680
<v Speaker 1>their life too, where they don't want any kids, marriage

0:28:51.680 --> 0:28:53.600
<v Speaker 1>isn't that important, so that they can not they can

0:28:53.680 --> 0:28:56.880
<v Speaker 1>navigate in that space more, whereas me, I want, I want,

0:28:56.920 --> 0:28:59.640
<v Speaker 1>maybe want another kid, and I you know, it's just

0:29:00.400 --> 0:29:02.320
<v Speaker 1>I mean, and you know, I talked to Happy Bay

0:29:02.360 --> 0:29:05.720
<v Speaker 1>and I told him, like we actually had lunch, you know,

0:29:05.800 --> 0:29:10.680
<v Speaker 1>after I told him that, like we really we can't date,

0:29:10.880 --> 0:29:14.560
<v Speaker 1>we're not intimate. It's just friendship, and like I need space.

0:29:16.360 --> 0:29:19.160
<v Speaker 1>We did have lunch, and I told him, like, you know,

0:29:19.320 --> 0:29:21.720
<v Speaker 1>I didn't end it with you because I wanted you to,

0:29:21.800 --> 0:29:24.720
<v Speaker 1>because I want you to be my boyfriend. Like it

0:29:24.800 --> 0:29:26.840
<v Speaker 1>was like this isn't going anywhere. Are you my boyfriend?

0:29:27.200 --> 0:29:29.800
<v Speaker 1>And he was like, you did it. That's not why

0:29:29.800 --> 0:29:32.680
<v Speaker 1>you that's not why. That's not the reason. And I know,

0:29:32.840 --> 0:29:35.920
<v Speaker 1>like the black and white reason that's probably very black

0:29:35.960 --> 0:29:37.400
<v Speaker 1>and white for men, Like it's like, well, she must

0:29:37.400 --> 0:29:39.120
<v Speaker 1>have endered it because we're not. No, it's because I

0:29:39.160 --> 0:29:42.720
<v Speaker 1>don't actually know where we're going, Like yeah, I don't

0:29:42.720 --> 0:29:44.400
<v Speaker 1>know that we even want the same thing. Yeah, Like

0:29:44.440 --> 0:29:46.600
<v Speaker 1>it's like, are we going like, are we heading that

0:29:46.720 --> 0:29:52.080
<v Speaker 1>direction or are we just like enjoying each other's company indefinitely,

0:29:52.600 --> 0:29:55.760
<v Speaker 1>because like, for me, like I'm not really good at

0:29:55.840 --> 0:29:58.880
<v Speaker 1>enjoying someone's company and being saying I love you and

0:29:58.920 --> 0:30:00.760
<v Speaker 1>then it being casual, because that's what we were doing.

0:30:00.840 --> 0:30:02.880
<v Speaker 1>We were saying I love you, I'm in love with you.

0:30:03.240 --> 0:30:07.120
<v Speaker 1>We had very like intense moments of like people have

0:30:07.240 --> 0:30:09.160
<v Speaker 1>had to. We've shared some beautiful moments that I'm so

0:30:09.200 --> 0:30:13.360
<v Speaker 1>grateful for, but it's confusing to my heart and my body,

0:30:13.400 --> 0:30:16.720
<v Speaker 1>and my body kept telling me like, this doesn't feel good.

0:30:16.760 --> 0:30:18.320
<v Speaker 1>Why do you keep doing this? Why could you?

0:30:18.360 --> 0:30:19.760
<v Speaker 2>Felt like I was in limbell that he could be

0:30:19.960 --> 0:30:22.160
<v Speaker 2>sharing those same intimates with someone else.

0:30:22.480 --> 0:30:25.520
<v Speaker 1>I felt triggered because I've never felt safe in a relationship.

0:30:25.720 --> 0:30:28.920
<v Speaker 1>I've never felt safe emotionally, I've never felt safe physically

0:30:29.360 --> 0:30:33.800
<v Speaker 1>my body like, and being in an open dating relationship

0:30:34.280 --> 0:30:37.280
<v Speaker 1>doesn't feel safe, Like this doesn't feel like safety to me.

0:30:37.520 --> 0:30:40.640
<v Speaker 1>It doesn't feel like security. And it's not that I

0:30:40.960 --> 0:30:42.360
<v Speaker 1>and I told him, I was like, I'm not that

0:30:42.400 --> 0:30:44.840
<v Speaker 1>I want to possess you, because I don't. It's just

0:30:44.880 --> 0:30:47.240
<v Speaker 1>that I need to know that like we're building something

0:30:47.360 --> 0:30:51.120
<v Speaker 1>sacred that's going somewhere at some point. He constantly was

0:30:51.160 --> 0:30:52.880
<v Speaker 1>so adamant about telling me I need my freedom, I

0:30:52.880 --> 0:30:54.200
<v Speaker 1>need my freedom. I need me to the point where

0:30:54.200 --> 0:30:55.720
<v Speaker 1>I'm like, okay, nigga, then why are you then why

0:30:55.720 --> 0:30:58.600
<v Speaker 1>are we doing this? Like, go have your freedom? Am

0:30:58.640 --> 0:31:02.200
<v Speaker 1>I in hinging on your freedom? Don't think so? It

0:31:02.280 --> 0:31:04.360
<v Speaker 1>just doesn't seem like we were in line, And I

0:31:04.400 --> 0:31:06.520
<v Speaker 1>just felt like I was. It was just taking up

0:31:06.520 --> 0:31:07.680
<v Speaker 1>a lot of space in my life.

0:31:07.720 --> 0:31:09.960
<v Speaker 2>So you're giving him girlfriend treatment. He wasn't giving you

0:31:10.000 --> 0:31:10.720
<v Speaker 2>boyfriend treatment.

0:31:10.840 --> 0:31:13.760
<v Speaker 1>Absolutely, I was driving. You felt like you were getting

0:31:13.760 --> 0:31:16.400
<v Speaker 1>a short end of this stick kind of yeah. And

0:31:16.400 --> 0:31:18.640
<v Speaker 1>and it's really my fault because he told me what

0:31:18.680 --> 0:31:22.200
<v Speaker 1>he was capable of, you know, and and you saw

0:31:22.360 --> 0:31:23.960
<v Speaker 1>and I saw it, and he showed me over and

0:31:24.000 --> 0:31:26.000
<v Speaker 1>over and over again. It was me like wanting to

0:31:26.040 --> 0:31:27.640
<v Speaker 1>be like, Okay, well I can handle this. Maybe this

0:31:27.720 --> 0:31:29.600
<v Speaker 1>is what I need. This is what I need, but

0:31:29.680 --> 0:31:31.200
<v Speaker 1>I don't know how to give it that. I don't

0:31:31.240 --> 0:31:33.840
<v Speaker 1>know how to give that way. I'm like, well, do

0:31:34.480 --> 0:31:36.600
<v Speaker 1>you do you want to? You want someone who's just

0:31:36.600 --> 0:31:37.680
<v Speaker 1>going to show up as in.

0:31:39.240 --> 0:31:41.000
<v Speaker 2>Like with the same amount of energy and the same

0:31:41.040 --> 0:31:43.440
<v Speaker 2>amount or didn't want to be a boyfriend or someone

0:31:43.480 --> 0:31:45.240
<v Speaker 2>who eventually wants to be in a relationship.

0:31:45.280 --> 0:31:47.880
<v Speaker 1>And eventually I just look like, for there's things that

0:31:48.800 --> 0:31:53.719
<v Speaker 1>he had he like we're we're seriously dating. There's things

0:31:53.760 --> 0:31:56.840
<v Speaker 1>that he hasn't done for me that are important to

0:31:56.880 --> 0:31:59.600
<v Speaker 1>me that I can't expect to be done just because

0:31:59.600 --> 0:32:02.400
<v Speaker 1>we become boyfriend and girlfriend, Like just because okay, now

0:32:02.440 --> 0:32:05.640
<v Speaker 1>we're boyfriend and girlfriend. So now all those things that

0:32:05.680 --> 0:32:07.920
<v Speaker 1>like you didn't do before, now you're gonna start doing, right,

0:32:08.120 --> 0:32:10.600
<v Speaker 1>Like no, that's how you get fucking disappointed, right, and

0:32:10.600 --> 0:32:12.880
<v Speaker 1>then you're like what the fuck? So like I just

0:32:12.920 --> 0:32:15.480
<v Speaker 1>had to understand who meet him where he is right now,

0:32:15.920 --> 0:32:18.440
<v Speaker 1>and this is who you are and accept and accept

0:32:18.440 --> 0:32:21.479
<v Speaker 1>that and that that was really hard because like I

0:32:21.520 --> 0:32:24.200
<v Speaker 1>could still be dating him right now, I could still

0:32:24.240 --> 0:32:26.720
<v Speaker 1>be like doing this thing, but like you know, I

0:32:26.760 --> 0:32:28.160
<v Speaker 1>had to, like and that's what I was saying, Like

0:32:28.160 --> 0:32:30.120
<v Speaker 1>I felt good about the other day setting boundaries. I

0:32:30.160 --> 0:32:32.640
<v Speaker 1>really had to set a serious boundary for myself and

0:32:32.680 --> 0:32:36.320
<v Speaker 1>be like this doesn't feel good. Stop it. Stop normalizing

0:32:36.360 --> 0:32:39.520
<v Speaker 1>shit that is not normal for your for your who

0:32:39.560 --> 0:32:41.480
<v Speaker 1>you are in your core, Stop denying who you are

0:32:41.520 --> 0:32:43.640
<v Speaker 1>on your core because you want to be this free

0:32:44.080 --> 0:32:46.480
<v Speaker 1>open I don't care, and it's it's not like you

0:32:46.520 --> 0:32:48.560
<v Speaker 1>can't be It's not that you're not like that in

0:32:48.920 --> 0:32:51.400
<v Speaker 1>some ways, but you also know what feels good to

0:32:51.440 --> 0:32:54.280
<v Speaker 1>you and stop judging yourself for that and making you

0:32:54.280 --> 0:32:57.200
<v Speaker 1>feel like, well, maybe it only feels good to me

0:32:57.280 --> 0:32:59.320
<v Speaker 1>because you know daddy is well, well, well it's okay.

0:32:59.360 --> 0:33:00.000
<v Speaker 1>I think it's okay.

0:33:00.160 --> 0:33:02.840
<v Speaker 2>Challenge yourself and be like, you know, why am I

0:33:02.880 --> 0:33:06.880
<v Speaker 2>feeling this way? But I think it's also acknowledged, like oh,

0:33:06.920 --> 0:33:09.840
<v Speaker 2>because maybe this person's not giving me what I deserve

0:33:10.000 --> 0:33:11.640
<v Speaker 2>and that's why it doesn't feel good.

0:33:11.680 --> 0:33:13.000
<v Speaker 1>And I think I'm so proud of you.

0:33:13.040 --> 0:33:15.280
<v Speaker 2>That's a big deal because the more you do that,

0:33:15.520 --> 0:33:17.400
<v Speaker 2>the easier it will become, the more like the quicker

0:33:17.440 --> 0:33:19.560
<v Speaker 2>will be won't be nine months later and you're life

0:33:19.680 --> 0:33:22.480
<v Speaker 2>right because so this is also I know, you know,

0:33:22.640 --> 0:33:30.520
<v Speaker 2>like a huge, a huge I think, like, uh thing

0:33:30.560 --> 0:33:32.120
<v Speaker 2>I keep hearing a lot and a lot of my

0:33:32.160 --> 0:33:34.000
<v Speaker 2>friends like theme, and a lot of my friends who

0:33:34.040 --> 0:33:38.680
<v Speaker 2>are in relationships, are in marriages is issues like deal

0:33:38.720 --> 0:33:41.560
<v Speaker 2>breaking issues in their marriage and my own my first

0:33:41.600 --> 0:33:45.440
<v Speaker 2>questions always was that present in the beginning, and all

0:33:45.480 --> 0:33:48.880
<v Speaker 2>of them say yes, every single I can't think of

0:33:49.040 --> 0:33:51.520
<v Speaker 2>one situation like no, this is how it's always been.

0:33:52.120 --> 0:33:56.640
<v Speaker 2>And I see how much we fuck ourselves wanting something

0:33:56.680 --> 0:33:59.840
<v Speaker 2>to be something something that it's not, or you think

0:33:59.840 --> 0:34:02.400
<v Speaker 2>you can work on it, work on it, and not

0:34:02.520 --> 0:34:06.360
<v Speaker 2>being you know, aligned with your five unbreakables, frozen five

0:34:06.440 --> 0:34:09.640
<v Speaker 2>for your frozen five, because I don't want to waste

0:34:10.280 --> 0:34:13.680
<v Speaker 2>two years shit I don't know, six months dealing with

0:34:13.719 --> 0:34:16.320
<v Speaker 2>somebody who may they have all these other qualities, but

0:34:16.440 --> 0:34:18.920
<v Speaker 2>this one quality I can change. I know they'll change,

0:34:19.040 --> 0:34:23.040
<v Speaker 2>because that shit doesn't change. And then you've married, you've

0:34:23.040 --> 0:34:26.120
<v Speaker 2>had kids, you've bought houses, and you're all intertwined and

0:34:26.160 --> 0:34:29.120
<v Speaker 2>it seems impossible to move forward and move on. But

0:34:29.400 --> 0:34:31.759
<v Speaker 2>because you've lied to yourself, and if we can be

0:34:31.800 --> 0:34:33.759
<v Speaker 2>more in tune with what doesn't feel.

0:34:33.440 --> 0:34:36.440
<v Speaker 1>Good, then we could cut a lot of that bullshit out.

0:34:36.480 --> 0:34:40.040
<v Speaker 1>I feel like for me, I know, my body literally

0:34:40.160 --> 0:34:46.319
<v Speaker 1>tells me every time, and I constantly reject it. And

0:34:46.360 --> 0:34:49.360
<v Speaker 1>when I don't reject it, it flows so much better.

0:34:49.440 --> 0:34:51.600
<v Speaker 1>But it's sometimes not in line with what my brain

0:34:51.680 --> 0:34:54.200
<v Speaker 1>wants or what my mind I think my mind wants

0:34:54.239 --> 0:34:56.560
<v Speaker 1>and what I think I need or what I can tolerate,

0:34:57.000 --> 0:35:00.840
<v Speaker 1>and it's like no, So like setting that boundary was

0:35:00.920 --> 0:35:04.360
<v Speaker 1>really totally based out of my body, because my body

0:35:04.400 --> 0:35:06.960
<v Speaker 1>and like the way I feel, have not been feeling good.

0:35:06.960 --> 0:35:12.040
<v Speaker 1>Every time I think about that person. It's not filled

0:35:12.080 --> 0:35:15.200
<v Speaker 1>with joy like the way it was and uncertain. I

0:35:15.280 --> 0:35:17.239
<v Speaker 1>have to acknowledge it and stop denying it, and I

0:35:17.239 --> 0:35:20.200
<v Speaker 1>feel better about it, and I just hope hopefully my

0:35:20.239 --> 0:35:23.080
<v Speaker 1>next situation or whatever that comes, I just know I

0:35:23.120 --> 0:35:26.520
<v Speaker 1>can't be giving these niggas fucking boyfriend privileges when you're not.

0:35:26.640 --> 0:35:29.240
<v Speaker 1>It doesn't feel good to me, like that would feel great,

0:35:29.280 --> 0:35:31.719
<v Speaker 1>like we've worked towards something and now like, well, I

0:35:31.719 --> 0:35:34.680
<v Speaker 1>think what it does is it creates an illusion. When

0:35:34.680 --> 0:35:36.799
<v Speaker 1>you start treating someone like they're your man. It's fun.

0:35:36.840 --> 0:35:40.759
<v Speaker 1>It's like playing house, you know, it is like playing Yeah,

0:35:40.800 --> 0:35:43.400
<v Speaker 1>it's like it's so sick. It's sick. It's like it

0:35:43.440 --> 0:35:44.439
<v Speaker 1>really is like playing house.

0:35:44.440 --> 0:35:46.719
<v Speaker 2>And so you create this illusion like I'm in love,

0:35:46.760 --> 0:35:48.960
<v Speaker 2>I love people having sex, I'm cooking breakfast.

0:35:49.080 --> 0:35:52.520
<v Speaker 1>Hey baby, i'm massaging you. We're having sex without a condom.

0:35:52.920 --> 0:35:55.560
<v Speaker 1>And then you leave and then you go home and

0:35:55.560 --> 0:35:57.439
<v Speaker 1>then you're like, oh my god, when is he gonna

0:35:57.440 --> 0:35:59.120
<v Speaker 1>call me again? Is he calling me? Oh my god,

0:35:59.160 --> 0:36:01.000
<v Speaker 1>it's been like two days. Hasn't called you this? But

0:36:01.000 --> 0:36:04.400
<v Speaker 1>I made you breakfast and I fucking we like kissed

0:36:04.440 --> 0:36:07.879
<v Speaker 1>in the rain and shit, like you know, it's just

0:36:08.000 --> 0:36:13.279
<v Speaker 1>like oh, anyway, I know right, kissed in the rain.

0:36:13.320 --> 0:36:15.520
<v Speaker 1>It's like a real thing. Like remember that time we

0:36:15.520 --> 0:36:17.319
<v Speaker 1>were holding hands in the rain and you told me.

0:36:17.360 --> 0:36:23.399
<v Speaker 2>We have that movie moment, don't watch movies moment. I'm

0:36:23.400 --> 0:36:24.920
<v Speaker 2>so happy I'm not the only psycho.

0:36:25.560 --> 0:36:26.360
<v Speaker 1>It's not psycho.

0:36:26.400 --> 0:36:31.160
<v Speaker 2>It's real because literally I was like holding's hand in

0:36:31.200 --> 0:36:33.440
<v Speaker 2>the rain, I love you, and I was like, this

0:36:33.520 --> 0:36:36.839
<v Speaker 2>is us, this moment, it's us forever to break out

0:36:36.920 --> 0:36:43.239
<v Speaker 2>in song. Anyway, we need to work on our sanity.

0:36:44.040 --> 0:36:46.480
<v Speaker 1>Well, I mean, I'm glad I'm making progress, but I'm

0:36:46.640 --> 0:36:50.479
<v Speaker 1>one step forward like two steps back. Yes, yes, that's

0:36:50.520 --> 0:36:51.200
<v Speaker 1>such a thing.

0:36:51.280 --> 0:36:53.000
<v Speaker 2>And I really had to reflect on that this year

0:36:53.040 --> 0:36:54.480
<v Speaker 2>because I was like, I thought I was making so

0:36:54.600 --> 0:36:57.640
<v Speaker 2>much progress, but no, I don't anymore. I feel like

0:36:57.680 --> 0:37:00.920
<v Speaker 2>I'm still like I didn't have sex for six months.

0:37:01.239 --> 0:37:03.319
<v Speaker 1>You are, you are though you are, and you can

0:37:03.680 --> 0:37:06.120
<v Speaker 1>start whenever again. Whenever you want. You know what I mean?

0:37:06.200 --> 0:37:09.040
<v Speaker 1>It's like no, but I just mean like, I don't

0:37:09.080 --> 0:37:13.560
<v Speaker 1>mean sex, I don't mean in anything. Yeah, I know. Okay,

0:37:13.600 --> 0:37:16.160
<v Speaker 1>so obviously our life's kind of in shambles right now,

0:37:16.239 --> 0:37:21.240
<v Speaker 1>but someone wants our advice something. Not sure why, let's

0:37:21.239 --> 0:37:30.600
<v Speaker 1>read it.

0:37:30.760 --> 0:37:32.440
<v Speaker 2>My kid's dad and I broke up a couple of

0:37:32.520 --> 0:37:34.880
<v Speaker 2>years ago. I have absolutely no feelings for him, and

0:37:34.920 --> 0:37:36.920
<v Speaker 2>we don't talk too much. We are in a good

0:37:36.960 --> 0:37:39.480
<v Speaker 2>place for the most part. However, he still does secretive,

0:37:39.520 --> 0:37:42.320
<v Speaker 2>shady shit without telling me. While I have no cares

0:37:42.320 --> 0:37:44.160
<v Speaker 2>about him, I do care what goes on when he

0:37:44.440 --> 0:37:46.879
<v Speaker 2>has my daughters. Sometimes he will have them shut off

0:37:46.920 --> 0:37:49.520
<v Speaker 2>their phones. He denies it so I can't see where

0:37:49.520 --> 0:37:51.440
<v Speaker 2>they're at and other similar stuff. I don't know if

0:37:51.440 --> 0:37:54.279
<v Speaker 2>he's doing this just to aggravate me, but I really

0:37:54.320 --> 0:37:59.680
<v Speaker 2>dislike how he blatantly lies right to my face. So

0:37:59.719 --> 0:38:01.680
<v Speaker 2>I just found out, not by him, of course, that

0:38:01.719 --> 0:38:04.319
<v Speaker 2>he moved in with the girl, and my daughters already know,

0:38:04.680 --> 0:38:07.799
<v Speaker 2>and my daughters already know sorry her, and have been

0:38:07.840 --> 0:38:10.080
<v Speaker 2>spending time there. Okay, I knew this day would come,

0:38:10.080 --> 0:38:12.400
<v Speaker 2>but he chose not to mention it. He was introducing

0:38:12.400 --> 0:38:14.479
<v Speaker 2>my daughters to a whole new person. It gets under

0:38:14.600 --> 0:38:16.919
<v Speaker 2>my skin even more because he did this years ago

0:38:16.960 --> 0:38:19.319
<v Speaker 2>when my kids were smaller and had a whole other

0:38:19.400 --> 0:38:22.080
<v Speaker 2>baby without me knowing. My kids were too small to

0:38:22.120 --> 0:38:24.120
<v Speaker 2>even be able to tell me, so you can understand

0:38:24.120 --> 0:38:26.400
<v Speaker 2>my frustration. So I plan on meeting up with this

0:38:26.480 --> 0:38:28.399
<v Speaker 2>girl and learning more about her as she is going

0:38:28.480 --> 0:38:30.359
<v Speaker 2>to be around my kids. I've never had to deal

0:38:30.400 --> 0:38:33.040
<v Speaker 2>with this, and I'm clueless on where to meet. Any

0:38:33.080 --> 0:38:35.840
<v Speaker 2>advice on how to do this in a non aggressive way.

0:38:35.680 --> 0:38:40.319
<v Speaker 1>Laugh out loud. It's not the other girl's fault. It's

0:38:40.360 --> 0:38:43.480
<v Speaker 1>your baby daddy's fault that he didn't communicate this. So

0:38:43.520 --> 0:38:49.560
<v Speaker 1>you have to go in meeting her not mad at her, right,

0:38:49.719 --> 0:38:53.719
<v Speaker 1>don't you agree? I agree? I think the more copeesthetic,

0:38:53.840 --> 0:38:54.799
<v Speaker 1>the better you know.

0:38:54.840 --> 0:38:56.680
<v Speaker 2>You need to actually get to know her, and that

0:38:56.760 --> 0:38:58.319
<v Speaker 2>requires being chill.

0:38:59.000 --> 0:39:01.920
<v Speaker 1>Maybe meet in a made at a coffee shop or something,

0:39:02.719 --> 0:39:05.600
<v Speaker 1>or at your house is too no, it needs to

0:39:05.600 --> 0:39:08.719
<v Speaker 1>be an even playing field so they both feel comfortable.

0:39:09.800 --> 0:39:11.840
<v Speaker 1>I don't know what to do about well, firstly the

0:39:11.840 --> 0:39:13.680
<v Speaker 1>baby daddy issue, Like, I'm not really sure how to

0:39:13.719 --> 0:39:17.360
<v Speaker 1>resolve that. Obviously he lies and it can't be honest,

0:39:17.400 --> 0:39:20.239
<v Speaker 1>I'm not sure there's anything you can actually do about that.

0:39:20.719 --> 0:39:24.719
<v Speaker 1>All you're really only resource now or I think best

0:39:24.719 --> 0:39:28.120
<v Speaker 1>option is trying to meet with this girl, see how

0:39:28.120 --> 0:39:30.279
<v Speaker 1>she is. If she seems cool, then try to build

0:39:30.320 --> 0:39:32.080
<v Speaker 1>a good rapport with her, because she could be an

0:39:32.120 --> 0:39:35.480
<v Speaker 1>ally to you. Actually, I feel like, you know, obviously

0:39:35.480 --> 0:39:37.120
<v Speaker 1>her loyalty is going to be to your baby daddy.

0:39:37.120 --> 0:39:39.879
<v Speaker 1>But if women, hopefully, I think at the root of us,

0:39:39.880 --> 0:39:43.480
<v Speaker 1>we like, you know, have a connection and like a sisterhood,

0:39:43.880 --> 0:39:45.960
<v Speaker 1>and that if she's gonna be spending time with your kids,

0:39:46.040 --> 0:39:49.360
<v Speaker 1>if she's a good person, like you know, hopefully.

0:39:49.120 --> 0:39:51.160
<v Speaker 2>I mean, I feel like anybody should be able to understand.

0:39:51.440 --> 0:39:54.360
<v Speaker 2>You have my greatest prize possession. I need to know

0:39:54.400 --> 0:39:56.920
<v Speaker 2>who you are. I want us to have a relationship

0:39:56.960 --> 0:39:58.759
<v Speaker 2>because it's important to me because you're going to be

0:39:58.800 --> 0:40:00.960
<v Speaker 2>around have a relationship with Mike kids obviously if you

0:40:00.960 --> 0:40:02.960
<v Speaker 2>guys are living together, and I think it's important that

0:40:03.000 --> 0:40:04.759
<v Speaker 2>you let your baby daddy know that, Like, there's really

0:40:04.800 --> 0:40:06.480
<v Speaker 2>no reason to hide anything from me.

0:40:06.880 --> 0:40:09.359
<v Speaker 1>I'm not here to like, maybe he needs to know

0:40:09.440 --> 0:40:11.279
<v Speaker 1>I'm not I don't want you, I.

0:40:11.200 --> 0:40:14.040
<v Speaker 2>Don't care and and you should tell him like if

0:40:14.080 --> 0:40:16.920
<v Speaker 2>the lies really trigger me, and you know why, I mean,

0:40:17.080 --> 0:40:20.160
<v Speaker 2>obviously you had another baby. Like I would just prefer

0:40:20.239 --> 0:40:22.040
<v Speaker 2>from here on out, like let's just co parent from

0:40:22.040 --> 0:40:25.480
<v Speaker 2>an honest place because we're just friends and I don't

0:40:25.480 --> 0:40:27.640
<v Speaker 2>really give a fuck, So just you could keep it

0:40:27.640 --> 0:40:29.600
<v Speaker 2>real with me. You know, maybe it just comes to

0:40:29.880 --> 0:40:33.680
<v Speaker 2>just being mature and like the homie approach.

0:40:34.960 --> 0:40:37.319
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, but try not to be a bitch to the babe,

0:40:37.400 --> 0:40:39.480
<v Speaker 1>to the girl unless she's a bitch and then in

0:40:39.520 --> 0:40:45.160
<v Speaker 1>that case, beat your ass. No, but yeah, what she

0:40:45.280 --> 0:40:49.080
<v Speaker 1>is a bitch? That's she'll have to ride in again

0:40:49.080 --> 0:40:50.799
<v Speaker 1>because I got to think about that one and I we're

0:40:50.840 --> 0:40:54.600
<v Speaker 1>running out of time. Okay, Well, anyway, thank you guys

0:40:54.600 --> 0:40:57.960
<v Speaker 1>for tuning in. We are having a meet up August

0:40:58.040 --> 0:41:02.440
<v Speaker 1>tenth at the Hollywood f for Cemetery again because y'all, bitches,

0:41:02.440 --> 0:41:04.240
<v Speaker 1>we're scared of the Exorcist, so we picked a better

0:41:04.320 --> 0:41:07.200
<v Speaker 1>movie and it's bomb. It is Boys in the Hood

0:41:07.200 --> 0:41:11.000
<v Speaker 1>by John Singleton our IP So make sure you buy

0:41:11.040 --> 0:41:14.120
<v Speaker 1>your tickets at Sinnespia dot com asap and check out

0:41:14.120 --> 0:41:16.439
<v Speaker 1>our evite and rs VP so we know you're coming

0:41:16.520 --> 0:41:19.719
<v Speaker 1>and we can reserve a space for you. Twest. Love

0:41:19.800 --> 0:41:24.200
<v Speaker 1>is DJ DJ Pooh, We're dressing nineties. We have Black

0:41:24.200 --> 0:41:27.719
<v Speaker 1>Girl Bravado podcast coming and hang out Jessica Urth Girl,

0:41:27.800 --> 0:41:31.640
<v Speaker 1>Jessica Rows. Everybody's going to be there. Everyone's going to

0:41:31.719 --> 0:41:36.000
<v Speaker 1>be there. Also, bring tequila. Also bring food. Also it's

0:41:36.040 --> 0:41:39.120
<v Speaker 1>a picnic, so you can just picnic and drink wine

0:41:39.239 --> 0:41:42.439
<v Speaker 1>and it's a pot luck and hopefully ice Cube comes out.

0:41:42.520 --> 0:41:45.320
<v Speaker 1>It's like, I'm really trying to manifest ice cbe coming out.

0:41:45.520 --> 0:41:48.280
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, and shout out to people who came last weekend

0:41:48.280 --> 0:41:48.719
<v Speaker 2>because we.

0:41:48.680 --> 0:41:50.640
<v Speaker 1>Had a Yeah, we had a really good time and

0:41:50.680 --> 0:41:55.960
<v Speaker 1>the Exorcist is still fucking scary it is. Anyway, Well,

0:41:56.040 --> 0:41:59.640
<v Speaker 1>good bye Juesday.

0:42:00.120 --> 0:42:03.799
<v Speaker 3>You know what love is, but I swear I've never

0:42:04.000 --> 0:42:11.640
<v Speaker 3>seen it in your life. Oh I swear I've never

0:42:11.840 --> 0:42:13.160
<v Speaker 3>seen it in your life.

0:42:13.719 --> 0:42:17.520
<v Speaker 1>Oh h m hmm.

0:42:18.320 --> 0:42:22.640
<v Speaker 3>I swear I've never seen it in your life.