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Speaker 1: Welcome back to Good Mom's Bad Choices. I'm Erica and
Speaker 1: I'm Nila and it's Wednesday. Happy Wednesday. I hope you
Speaker 1: guys had a good day at work or whatever the
Speaker 1: fuck you did today. Also aggressive work work or if
Speaker 1: you're listening to this on your way to work Thursday morning, workday, workday?
Speaker 1: What's up? Nothing much? Just try to live my best life? Hmm,
Speaker 1: what's up with you? Nothing? I mean, I mean obviously
Speaker 1: things Patreon We have any Patreon, which was really stressful,
Speaker 1: but I'm really glad it's up. So if you guys, we.
Speaker 2: Have some new Patreon members. Thank you so much for
Speaker 2: caring and supporting.
Speaker 1: Thank you for supporting us.
Speaker 2: Also, we've we sent out we sent a requests for
Speaker 2: nudes and you guys came through with the news.
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, we've gotten We got some really good nudes,
Speaker 1: mostly from We had some great ones from women, but
Speaker 1: I was really shocked about the man ones, Like apparently
Speaker 1: all of the men that listen to us have big penises.
Speaker 2: Know why, it's because we have big penis energy, like big,
Speaker 2: like big, big, like scary.
Speaker 1: Like I'm scared that I can handle that.
Speaker 2: It's like, wow, Okay, this is the best. This is
Speaker 2: the best request you've ever put out we got. We
Speaker 2: got a couple of pussy pics.
Speaker 1: We sent a few.
Speaker 2: Don't think if you send news we're just gonna send
Speaker 2: you some back automatically.
Speaker 1: They have to be really impressive only and they will
Speaker 1: only be on that like one replay setting on Instagram.
Speaker 1: Although we did encourage our other male listeners, like just
Speaker 1: send it into the DM. Stop doing the replay, Jamila
Speaker 1: didn't get to see your day, like I'm missing it.
Speaker 1: I keep pressing play right, I'm like okay.
Speaker 2: And also, I you know, I realized it just if
Speaker 2: it's fun, it's fun to send needs to your friends,
Speaker 2: you know, if you don't feel like if anyone to
Speaker 2: feel sexy for feel sexy for us because we appreciate it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we appreciate your naked body. Other than that, I
Speaker 1: don't know. It's just it's been it's it's retrograde. I
Speaker 1: feel like my electronics have been fucking up, but I
Speaker 1: electronics and me just don't go well period. So I
Speaker 1: don't even know if it has anything to do with that.
Speaker 1: I have just been a feeling. I don't know. I've
Speaker 1: been feeling a range of emotions. I was feeling like
Speaker 1: super empowered one day because I feel like I like
Speaker 1: expressed my boundaries to someone and I was like, yeah, fuck,
Speaker 1: that feel really strong. And then the next day I
Speaker 1: was like I fucking hate everyone. And then the next
Speaker 1: day I was like okay, and then I repissed me off,
Speaker 1: and then then I did some like desperate like ego
Speaker 1: shit that we'll talk about later in a minute.
Speaker 2: Oh you're gonna talk about that, okay, like real rap. Well,
Speaker 2: welcome to adulthood.
Speaker 1: I realized the other day, I don't know you had
Speaker 1: left and I was in the backyard with.
Speaker 2: Luna, and I have a storage, and I forgot I
Speaker 2: had a storage, and they called them, like you owe
Speaker 2: us four hundred dollars or we're selling your stuff, and
Speaker 2: I was.
Speaker 1: Just like, A had a child tantrum.
Speaker 2: I was like, and then I looked over a Luna
Speaker 2: and she was looking at me, and she's just smiling bright,
Speaker 2: and I was like, really recognized that I had a
Speaker 2: real life tantrum, Like I I threw a fit, and I.
Speaker 1: Just realized, Yeah, every day is a gamble.
Speaker 2: Sometimes you're up and you're feeling great and empowered and motivated,
Speaker 2: and some days you.
Speaker 1: Can't get out of fucking bed. And that's adulthood.
Speaker 2: So you're not alone, I don't think. But she just
Speaker 2: really sounds really kind of psycho out loud.
Speaker 1: No, No, I know, I know, I know I'm not alone.
Speaker 1: It's just I don't know. I just feel like it's
Speaker 1: that mid year things are like I don't know, it's summertime.
Speaker 1: I don't know what. It is, just a lot happening,
Speaker 1: and I feel I feel, really, I feel more comfortable
Speaker 1: with myself than I probably ever have in my life.
Speaker 1: But also so and but also with that comes such
Speaker 1: awareness that my bad choices that I used to make,
Speaker 1: I used to be able to make them and like
Speaker 1: be like whatever, but now like I'm just I make them,
Speaker 1: and then I like hate myself for a little bit
Speaker 1: for a while, yeah, because of them, or I just
Speaker 1: like not even hate, Like there is that. But then
Speaker 1: there's also this part of it where I'm just like
Speaker 1: over analyzing it, Like what does that mean for me?
Speaker 1: Why am I still doing that? Maybe I haven't worked
Speaker 1: past my triggers. Maybe I'm not over my baby daddy.
Speaker 1: Maybe I'm you know, like all these things like maybe
Speaker 1: do I want a boyfriend?
Speaker 3: Do?
Speaker 1: Or do I want a boyfriend? Maybe I'm not pata.
Speaker 1: Pattern tells me that I'm meant to walk the lowner's path,
Speaker 1: like it's like a fucking novella. Pattern keeps telling me
Speaker 1: I'm so to be fucking alone my whole life. But
Speaker 1: here I am full of love and ready to give it,
Speaker 1: but no one wants it. Like so that's where I'm
Speaker 1: not welcome, Yeah to adulthood. But I think that's true.
Speaker 2: And I think mostly in the thirties, shit happens and
Speaker 2: then you're so hyper aware of yourself and like, fuck.
Speaker 1: I did that because I have trauma.
Speaker 2: Still, I'm funck, I'm not heeled, I'm fucked up, dody,
Speaker 2: did I cry today?
Speaker 1: I Mean I went to therapy the other day and
Speaker 1: my therapist was like, why do you think because I
Speaker 1: was telling her about like what I what I did
Speaker 1: this weekend or last weekend? Which, what did you do, Erica,
Speaker 1: what did you do this weekend? Well last weekend? Okay,
Speaker 1: let's start.
Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, let's start what let's start what we were
Speaker 2: really drunk?
Speaker 1: Okay? So I had been drinking all day and then
Speaker 1: I went to I invited Jamila and a few friends
Speaker 1: to my baby Daddy's show. He was performing, and so
Speaker 1: I went to see his show. And why I went
Speaker 1: to see his show, or why I've gone to see
Speaker 1: multiples of his show? This is like the second round
Speaker 1: of shows in two weeks. Yeah, like I've been, you know,
Speaker 1: supporting his shows and supporting him because maybe I think
Speaker 1: I think part of it is because it's what I'm
Speaker 1: used to doing with him when he's here, just in
Speaker 1: our relationship. I just support him, even like when I'm
Speaker 1: mad at him, I want to support him. But I
Speaker 1: know a lot of it also has to do with ego,
Speaker 1: because I wanted to go and see, like what's going
Speaker 1: on over there? What's happening? What's happening there? See there's
Speaker 1: girls there? I don't know, like maybe a little bit,
Speaker 1: but also like who are you hanging around? Just checking
Speaker 1: in general, just because I don't always trust the people
Speaker 1: he keeps close and those people also are around my kid,
Speaker 1: which I told my therapists, and she goes, this is
Speaker 1: not really.
Speaker 2: Why Oh you got a real one?
Speaker 1: Yeah, therapist not be playing. She like, is that really
Speaker 1: why you went? Erica? I think so. Also, I don't know.
Speaker 1: I don't know. Anyway, We've just been on good terms lately,
Speaker 1: we haven't been arguing. And I was like, you know,
Speaker 1: I know he's you know, work makes him happy. It's
Speaker 1: when he's the happiest in all aspects of life. And
Speaker 1: I love him and I love to see him happy,
Speaker 1: and so I know, I feel like I haven't been
Speaker 1: I haven't seen that in a long time, and so
Speaker 1: I wanted to. I guess part of me like likes
Speaker 1: to witness him in his element. So anyway, I went
Speaker 1: to the show. I brought my girls. It was fun.
Speaker 1: It just kept drinking, drinking, drinking, and then his show
Speaker 1: ends and we go back to the dressing room and
Speaker 1: I have to go pee, and so I walk into
Speaker 1: the bathroom and he's in the bathroom, and I'm like, well,
Speaker 1: fuck it. He's seen me pee four hundred thousand times,
Speaker 1: so whatever. So I pulled down my pants and then
Speaker 1: my phone drops in the toilet and then I like,
Speaker 1: I'm trying to get it out. My pants are half down,
Speaker 1: and I'm like drunk, and it's kind of a hot mess,
Speaker 1: and I'm like laughing. And then he's laughing and he's
Speaker 1: helping me get my phone out of the toilet and
Speaker 1: it's all wet and it's gross, and then suddenly we're close,
Speaker 1: and then and then I kissed him. Oh my god.
Speaker 2: My self proclaimed I never never, I've never done it,
Speaker 2: which I was honestly. I was out the room. I
Speaker 2: mean I was in the room, but we're waiting for
Speaker 2: her to come out the bathroom. Someone else had to pee,
Speaker 2: one of our friends, one of her very investigative friends.
Speaker 2: And I'm so drunk. But after first I was sitting
Speaker 2: away from them and I was looking at them and
Speaker 2: I'm like, hm, she has been there a minute. So
Speaker 2: I moved next to them, like she's been in there
Speaker 2: a long time. I'm like, yeah, but I'm not worried
Speaker 2: about that. There's nothing happening in that bath there. Then
Speaker 2: like three more minutes go by, I'm like, hmmm, could
Speaker 2: it be. It's like no, there's no way, there's no way.
Speaker 2: And like two more minutes go by and she's like, oh,
Speaker 2: I know something's happening in that and I'm like, no,
Speaker 2: there's no way. And then I'm like, what the fuck
Speaker 2: is happening in that bathroom? So then she comes out
Speaker 2: all guilty looking damn sure enough, you overst the baby
Speaker 2: daddy boundary. I mean I've done it like four thousand times.
Speaker 1: Just like the moment I did it, I felt regret
Speaker 1: and like, I don't know, like I did it and
Speaker 1: I saw it happening. It was like slow motion, like
Speaker 1: I saw his face like coming towards me. I specifically
Speaker 1: remember his teeth for some reason, I don't know. He
Speaker 1: was smiling and I said, and then finally I knew
Speaker 1: she loved me. And then at the moment I walked
Speaker 1: out of the bathroom, my friend Jessica was like her
Speaker 1: head like she was literally the first person I saw
Speaker 1: her head like popped out of the crowd and was like,
Speaker 1: what are you doing? And I was like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: like judgment. Fuck, So yeah, I did that. Did you
Speaker 1: feel anything? Was that where you did it? To if
Speaker 1: he's to see if you would feel anything. I think
Speaker 1: part of it was that it was a culmination of things,
Speaker 1: and that's why I'm saying, like I can't make bad
Speaker 1: choices anymore and then not over analyze them. And like
Speaker 1: part of me, like in my analyzation is that word animalization.
Speaker 1: It sounds about right. Of what how this came to
Speaker 1: be is I think a large part of it is ego,
Speaker 1: because I just felt like I wanted to assert myself
Speaker 1: in the room and in that situation, I wanted to
Speaker 1: make sure. I wanted to see if he would still
Speaker 1: be receptive to me, which I kind of knew he would,
Speaker 1: but I wanted I also wanted to see if I
Speaker 1: could if I felt anything. I was, I've been horny.
Speaker 1: It was just like a bunch of things, like I
Speaker 1: just watched him on stage, which you know is a
Speaker 1: turn on, like whether or not I want to admit
Speaker 1: it or not watching someone in their element. So it
Speaker 1: was just it was just all fucked up, and I
Speaker 1: feel really guilty about it. I just feel like I
Speaker 1: didn't want to lead him on and make him think like, Okay,
Speaker 1: now we're gonna get back together and now there's a
Speaker 1: future between us, and that's been like why I've been
Speaker 1: so adamant about not doing that, and also because I
Speaker 1: just haven't wanted to, you know, and I was just
Speaker 1: beating myself up about it. And so anyway, I talked
Speaker 1: to my therapist and I was telling her what I
Speaker 1: did and she was like, well, why do you think
Speaker 1: you did that? And I told her all those reasons
Speaker 1: and she said, yeah, but there's something deeper than that.
Speaker 1: I was like, what daddy issues because obviously, like that's
Speaker 1: like where everyone goes yeah, and she said well yeah,
Speaker 1: and I said, well, of course I have daddy issues,
Speaker 1: like that's not a secret. And she's like, yeah, but
Speaker 1: like what is it that you know? What are your
Speaker 1: daddy issues? Like did you not feel secure? Did you
Speaker 1: need you didn't get the attention you want. I was like,
Speaker 1: it's all those things. And as we started talking about it,
Speaker 1: I started getting emotional about talking about my dad, which
Speaker 1: I feel like I've I thought I've worked past all
Speaker 1: those things. I mean, but I guess there's still a
Speaker 1: part of me. Obviously. She's like, there's still that little
Speaker 1: girl inside of you that hasn't worked past it, which
Speaker 1: is why you're getting emotional now, which is why you
Speaker 1: are always seek male attention. If you don't get it
Speaker 1: from the person you want, you're going to get it
Speaker 1: from somewhere, somehow else. And that's always true for me.
Speaker 2: Like, oh, like, if you're not getting male attention from
Speaker 2: the person you want to get it from, you'll divert
Speaker 2: it to the next person.
Speaker 1: I think it's just yeah, I mean, is that human nature? Though?
Speaker 1: Well she said no, oh okay, she said no, that's
Speaker 1: daddy issues, because that's what I said. I said, well,
Speaker 1: don't women do that. She's like no, I was like,
Speaker 1: I She's like, I was raised by my dad. My
Speaker 1: issues are my mom issues. I don't seek male attention,
Speaker 1: don't I don't feel like I need that if I'm
Speaker 1: not getting male attention from someone whatever, you know, And
Speaker 1: she's like, obviously, there's a lot of factors that play
Speaker 1: into play into that. It's not solely one thing, but
Speaker 1: a lot of it is rooted. And you know, your
Speaker 1: first you know, the first male figure in your life,
Speaker 1: whether he was there, whether he was wasn't there. Maybe
Speaker 1: he was there but wasn't giving you the attention you wanted,
Speaker 1: wasn't showing up for you in the ways you wanted
Speaker 1: them to show up for you and all those things
Speaker 1: are true for me. And she's said, and I said, Okay,
Speaker 1: what am I supposed to do about that? Like how
Speaker 1: do I She's like, well, when you feel the need
Speaker 1: to for male attention, when you know it's not necessarily
Speaker 1: it's not real, then you need to talk check in
Speaker 1: with yourself and be like do I really do I
Speaker 1: really want this and be strong enough to say don't say, well,
Speaker 1: fuck it, I just want to do what I want
Speaker 1: to do, because that's what I do. Often. I'm aware
Speaker 1: of it, but I'm like, whatever, I'll deal with the better.
Speaker 1: And the more I keep doing that, the more this
Speaker 1: is just gonna continue going. And like I don't want
Speaker 1: it to continue or I don't want to confuse my
Speaker 1: relationship with my father, my daughter's father, Like we're in
Speaker 1: a really good place, like we've been getting along really well,
Speaker 1: and this is what I asked for, This is what
Speaker 1: I asked for. I want. I wanted to have a
Speaker 1: relationship with him. I wanted to have a friendship with him,
Speaker 1: and that's what we're working towards. And it's not enough
Speaker 1: now now that he's giving me what I want, Now
Speaker 1: I want more. I want his attention. I want him
Speaker 1: to want me. You know, it's so fucked up. It is.
Speaker 1: It is. And you know what, when you're used to like.
Speaker 2: Having a companion, the way you're close with your baby daddy,
Speaker 2: the way I'm close I was, We were close in
Speaker 2: those spaces, it's like almost like routine to be in this,
Speaker 2: to be an certain way. I'll write a show together.
Speaker 2: Oh it's not a video of PE's not a video
Speaker 2: because like because that's what it is. It's comfortability, Like
Speaker 2: this is my homie almost, And so the loss of that.
Speaker 2: I don't think people like women recognize there's a morning
Speaker 2: that takes place in any breakup early.
Speaker 1: But this, particularly when it's with the person you've.
Speaker 2: Created a child with, You've never experienced that with anyone before.
Speaker 2: Like this is a very vulnerable place, and as women
Speaker 2: and society tells us, like there's something it's supposed to happen.
Speaker 1: We're supposed to work.
Speaker 2: With a fucking picket fence, even when you know they're crazy,
Speaker 2: even when they know it doesn't work. But like it's
Speaker 2: I can get I get emotional now still with shit
Speaker 2: with my baby daddy, just because it's still such a.
Speaker 1: It's still such a like a vulnerable place.
Speaker 2: Uh and even not even just that likely who tapt
Speaker 2: like go backwards, but also healing from it, like you
Speaker 2: know what I mean reopening that Have you really healed
Speaker 2: from the pain that he's inflicted on you? And can
Speaker 2: you imagine overstepping that boundary when that wound is still
Speaker 2: not completely healed. I was at one of my girlfriend's
Speaker 2: house and she's engaged, but the guy talks to her
Speaker 2: crazy and it's on a regular basis, and it's to
Speaker 2: the point where I'm like, yo, chill and I've said
Speaker 2: something and then like, don't say anything.
Speaker 1: It's not your place. And it's like, okay, I.
Speaker 2: Get it, but like yes, like the other day, I
Speaker 2: was like he did something. I'm like squeezing her, like
Speaker 2: you know what, something is uncomfortable, you like push your
Speaker 2: friend's knee or something.
Speaker 1: And afterwards it was just annoying.
Speaker 2: It just bothered me, and I realized I was triggered
Speaker 2: because I've been in a relationship that was.
Speaker 1: Verbally abusive, that was abusive, and it just.
Speaker 2: I just realized how triggered I am by it by
Speaker 2: seeing someone else experience it and them being so numb
Speaker 2: to it, and it just made me realize, like there's
Speaker 2: so much healing that still has to take place, and
Speaker 2: we haven't been together in three years.
Speaker 1: I know it's it's it's so true because I realized too,
Speaker 1: Like I thought that even when I was talking to
Speaker 1: my therapist and she was saying I was like, well
Speaker 1: she was, I was. She said, you guys, they're still
Speaker 1: healing to be done. I know you want to be friends, Erica,
Speaker 1: but I don't know if that's possible. Like, you guys
Speaker 1: need to just be co parenting, like you can't because
Speaker 1: if you don't, then you're just gonna keep going in
Speaker 1: this limbo, in this cycle. You like, and you don't
Speaker 1: want to repeat what you repeated the other night, right,
Speaker 1: because that's not really what you want. You don't want
Speaker 1: to fall down that trap. You don't want to lead
Speaker 1: him on and then have him, you know, end up
Speaker 1: being mad at you later and then having to basically
Speaker 1: do a whole like reheal everything all over again.
Speaker 2: You were like, really, my baby, we still are my
Speaker 2: baby mama idol in that sense, I'm like, well, this
Speaker 2: bitch is never backs up and I've and we both.
Speaker 1: Have our baby mama idol single baby mama you're my single.
Speaker 2: Baby mama idol because you never mess back with your
Speaker 2: baby daddy after it was over.
Speaker 1: It's so admirable. Girl. It's real hard out here, but
Speaker 1: somebody has to do. Wait.
Speaker 2: I was looking empty for the longest, but now now
Speaker 2: I'm just normal and basically like everybody else.
Speaker 1: I mean, honestly just made out, which is great, bitch
Speaker 1: like me. And actually he pulled away.
Speaker 2: Mmmm wait, like so you would have maybe continued. Probably
Speaker 2: I was drunk, oh right, so like if you would
Speaker 2: have turned you over back?
Speaker 1: Maybe not maybe, I don't know who knows, but he
Speaker 1: probably was like what's happening? He probably yeah. And then
Speaker 1: and then because we're in the bathroom and I was
Speaker 1: drunk when we pulled away, then he was he was
Speaker 1: like getting dressed when this was happening. So then he
Speaker 1: was getting dressed like he was naked, and he was
Speaker 1: like putting clothes on. And then I was in the background,
Speaker 1: like the mirrors in front of it, like we're both
Speaker 1: facing the mirror, but I'm against the wall and he's
Speaker 1: getting dressed, and I I just like was making all
Speaker 1: these faces because I was like having so much turmoil happen.
Speaker 1: I was just like what do I do? Oh my god, Okay,
Speaker 1: wait it's fine. No, wait it's not okay. Wait what
Speaker 1: is he gonna think? Fuck? I'm drunk? Oh my god.
Speaker 1: And then like I see him looking at me and
Speaker 1: he's like, are you okay? How drunk were you didn't
Speaker 1: realize that he could see you? And I don't know.
Speaker 1: It was just like couldn't help it. You know, I'm
Speaker 1: like one of those people that it's really hard my
Speaker 1: facial expressions. I can't get them together as much as
Speaker 1: I try, especially with Tequila's involved. Like I don't know,
Speaker 1: I just didn't give a fuck, And until I realized
Speaker 1: he saw all the facial expressions that I was making,
Speaker 1: which was like fear, anxiety, like drunkness, like regret, confusion,
Speaker 1: like it was all wrapped in one. And then I
Speaker 1: looked at myself in the mir and I was like,
Speaker 1: oh god. And so it was just and then you
Speaker 1: know what annoyed me afterwards, which is so also ego driven,
Speaker 1: because after we left, we got out of the room
Speaker 1: and we sat down and everyone was probably like, what
Speaker 1: the fuck do they do? And they I probably thought
Speaker 1: we had sex, which we did not. I asked him.
Speaker 1: I said I was like, so, what are you doing tonight?
Speaker 1: Because apparently I cared and he was like, I'm gonna go.
Speaker 1: I think I'm gonna go to the strip club. And
Speaker 1: I was immediately triggered and pissed because there's no reason
Speaker 1: for me to be but because because I was just like,
Speaker 1: so you don't want to hang out with me? The fuck? Also,
Speaker 1: the strip club you spent like he spent most of
Speaker 1: my pregnancy in the strip club, And that was this
Speaker 1: is a trigger for you. It's a super trigger for me.
Speaker 1: I don't trust strippers the offense. If you're one, I
Speaker 1: just have had bad experiences. And I was just like, Nikka,
Speaker 1: I just fucking kissed you, and you can go to
Speaker 1: the motherfuckers strip club. And then I was like, where
Speaker 1: which strip club you at? Carson? I was like Carson.
Speaker 1: I was like, I was like, Okay, this is why
Speaker 1: this is why we're not. You don't even go to
Speaker 1: the good show. You don't even go to the good one. Well,
Speaker 1: maybe maybe there's a good one out there. I know
Speaker 1: you don't know, but all those things, why does that
Speaker 1: matter to me? It shouldn't matter. And then the next
Speaker 1: day didn't matter. Like the next day after I wasn't drunk,
Speaker 1: and I wasn't emotional for no fucking reason. I was like, yeah,
Speaker 1: of course he's going to the strip club. That's what
Speaker 1: he does, you know, And like that's what and that's
Speaker 1: what he should do. That's who he is, and that's
Speaker 1: no judgment. That's what brings him joy and makes him
Speaker 1: and that's what he wants to do after a successful show,
Speaker 1: then by all means, go do that. It's not my
Speaker 1: place to be mad at him about it, and I
Speaker 1: like was mad. I was annoyed with myself that I
Speaker 1: got annoyed, got annoyed, and then I judged him and
Speaker 1: all those things because he's doing what the fuck he
Speaker 1: wants to do.
Speaker 2: Did your therapist offer you any advice, like actively right
Speaker 2: now in your adulthood, like what can help daddy issues,
Speaker 2: like spending more time with your dad right now to
Speaker 2: like maybe well.
Speaker 1: She asked, She asked about the state of my relationship
Speaker 1: with him right now, and I told him I to
Speaker 1: re fine. I was. I was like, she's liked you
Speaker 1: see him often. I was like, no, does that bother you?
Speaker 1: I said, you know it does sometimes, only because I
Speaker 1: see him out with my brothers and sisters. And he
Speaker 1: very plays an active role in their life. But I've
Speaker 1: almost got become numb to it at this point, and
Speaker 1: it's not And some of it has to do with
Speaker 1: me too. I don't always make the effort either. You know, therapies,
Speaker 1: you like he therapies.
Speaker 2: Me.
Speaker 1: I do you think it's healthy to be numb to it?
Speaker 1: Because obviously, no, it's not. It's absolutely unhealthy. And that's
Speaker 1: why I kissed my baby daddy.
Speaker 2: Okay, right, But she also trikes me to the conclusion
Speaker 2: of why we're here.
Speaker 1: Well, she said that I just need to figure out
Speaker 1: how to play the role that my dad didn't. I'm
Speaker 1: never going to get back those those years. So whatever
Speaker 1: it is that that's missing for me, I need to
Speaker 1: find out how to fulfill that within myself by myself,
Speaker 1: and not try to find a man to fulfill those
Speaker 1: things because I'll constantly be disappointed. And I know that.
Speaker 1: I know that, And I told her, I said, yeah,
Speaker 1: that all sounds good. I already know that, but like.
Speaker 2: Why don't you just ask your dad to like go
Speaker 2: on a dinner date every two weeks instead of day?
Speaker 1: Maybe? I mean, yeah, I need to make a bigger
Speaker 1: effort and.
Speaker 2: Be like okay, like, let's every second Monday, let's go
Speaker 2: out to dinner.
Speaker 1: And I told her And I told her, She's like,
Speaker 1: are you happy with the state of your relationship? I said,
Speaker 1: I'm fine with it. And I said, but if my
Speaker 1: dad were to die today, would I be Would I
Speaker 1: have regrets about the state of our relationship? Absolutely? And
Speaker 1: she's like, if you can say that, then you need
Speaker 1: to do work. Yeah, like a period. I mean there's
Speaker 1: And I was like, but I feel like I can
Speaker 1: say that about Addy.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's true. But that's taking it so deep. Wow, Eric,
Speaker 2: you know I'm deep.
Speaker 1: But because I think about death a lot, and do
Speaker 1: you I do, Yeah, not in like a negative way,
Speaker 1: but I think about like the people in my life
Speaker 1: not being here one day and when how that would
Speaker 1: make me feel, and how I deal with that and
Speaker 1: how I navigate my relationships in that way. Well, I
Speaker 1: guess that's healthy because it's true we're all going to
Speaker 1: die one day, because that's really like when it comes,
Speaker 1: that's when someone dies. That's when you fucking everything that
Speaker 1: you've held so tightly too doesn't matter anymore. Like it
Speaker 1: won't matter to me that my dad wasn't around. It's
Speaker 1: going to matter to me. What did I do after
Speaker 1: that to make it better? You know, like I can't
Speaker 1: take back those years. I can't take back who he
Speaker 1: was when he was in his early twenties as a
Speaker 1: pro athlete that you know, his friends didn't want him
Speaker 1: to have kids. He was just being a womanizer. Like,
Speaker 1: I can't do anything about that, right, So I do
Speaker 1: need to. I feel like I realized that I do.
Speaker 1: You're right, I need to make a big effort to
Speaker 1: hang out with him. I think I think I've gotten
Speaker 1: to the point it's a habit now where I'm just like, well,
Speaker 1: if you're not gonna make an effort, I'm not. And
Speaker 1: it's not even in a negative way. It's just like
Speaker 1: it is what it is, right, you know. So that happened,
Speaker 1: and then I also ended my dating situation. It's with
Speaker 1: happy Bay. I feel like this is like the fourth
Speaker 1: time you've said that. No, but like really ended it
Speaker 1: when you Bay, but you have said I don't think
Speaker 1: I've said it on the podcast, but I said we
Speaker 1: should just like yeah, but then we didn't really and
Speaker 1: we're still telling each other we love each other and
Speaker 1: dah dah da da dah. And I just had to
Speaker 1: like really lay realize that, like I, I've been treating
Speaker 1: him like my boyfriend when he's not my boyfriend. Why
Speaker 1: do I do that? Why would he ever want to
Speaker 1: be my boyfriend if I'm already giving him boyfriend privileges.
Speaker 1: And that's what women do, not all women, but I
Speaker 1: do because I'm a nurturer, you know. I want you
Speaker 1: to feel loved. I want to give you my love.
Speaker 1: I want to spend all my time with you. I
Speaker 1: don't like playing games. I'm not good at them. I
Speaker 1: can do it for like a few days, and then
Speaker 1: I'm like, fuck this, Well, we're all or nothing. You know,
Speaker 1: when you like someone, it's.
Speaker 2: Easy to be infatuated and go all out and want
Speaker 2: to show like your peacock feathers, like look at these
Speaker 2: dance moves, look at these.
Speaker 1: Meal I can't cook, you know, So I get it.
Speaker 2: I was with some when we discussed what we might
Speaker 2: be talking about today, as with some guys, and I
Speaker 2: brought this up.
Speaker 1: I'm not sure if I like follow it all the way, but.
Speaker 2: Basically, yeah, why initiate a conversation if anything seriousness, if
Speaker 2: you're comfortable.
Speaker 1: Wait, what do you mean? Oh? Why why why make girls,
Speaker 1: I was asking.
Speaker 2: How often do you as how do you how often
Speaker 2: like if a woman doesn't bring up the conversation, how
Speaker 2: often have you brought it up?
Speaker 1: Like, hey, what are we doing here?
Speaker 2: Like when you really fuck with a woman, does it
Speaker 2: inevitably come up in your mind?
Speaker 1: Or is that something that you write it out? You
Speaker 1: write it out or you wait for the woman to
Speaker 1: bring it up.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's what I asked them, because because I've been
Speaker 2: victim of like not being in relationships because I'm so
Speaker 2: cool and I don't care and I'm not having that
Speaker 2: conversation because it doesn't matter to me. And I also
Speaker 2: feel like it's like a conversation a man should initiate
Speaker 2: if you want, like I want you to be in
Speaker 2: a space where you're like, oh, I value you, I
Speaker 2: want to be with you, like I let's explore like
Speaker 2: who we are in each other's lives. I would like
Speaker 2: a man to initiate that conversation. Nine times out of ten,
Speaker 2: these niggas don't. But that's ideal, But I just feel like,
Speaker 2: the fuck what was I saying?
Speaker 1: I said that, Oh they said that they don't do that.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, So one of the guys at the table
Speaker 2: he was forty six. He had been married for I
Speaker 2: think seventeen years. He said, he's only done that twice
Speaker 2: in his life, once with his first wife and now
Speaker 2: once with the woman he's with now. It took him,
Speaker 2: he said, he got bamboozled the first time by his
Speaker 2: first wife, his kid's mom. Then they have good he said,
Speaker 2: we have a good relationship. I paid for her and
Speaker 2: her new husband's reception, Like we just came from dinner.
Speaker 1: He's like, the second how does that make the husband feel?
Speaker 1: I don't know.
Speaker 2: I would assume here should be thrilled. And this is
Speaker 2: the second one, he said. It took me four years.
Speaker 1: To They were dating just casually, he.
Speaker 2: Said, but she was doing all the right ship And
Speaker 2: he said, I just would I refuse to get bamboozled again.
Speaker 2: So he did have it. He did do it again,
Speaker 2: but it took him four years. Well did was she allus?
Speaker 2: Was she under the impression they we already boyfriend and girlfriend?
Speaker 4: Like no talking about a proposal or proposal? See that's
Speaker 4: what I said. Four years I said, she having sex
Speaker 4: with other people?
Speaker 2: He said, even if she wasn't, I assumed that she
Speaker 2: was because I was. I was so tainted by the
Speaker 2: first situation.
Speaker 1: So that's why. Well maybe they were farther along in
Speaker 1: their life too, where they don't want any kids, marriage
Speaker 1: isn't that important, so that they can not they can
Speaker 1: navigate in that space more, whereas me, I want, I want,
Speaker 1: maybe want another kid, and I you know, it's just
Speaker 1: I mean, and you know, I talked to Happy Bay
Speaker 1: and I told him, like we actually had lunch, you know,
Speaker 1: after I told him that, like we really we can't date,
Speaker 1: we're not intimate. It's just friendship, and like I need space.
Speaker 1: We did have lunch, and I told him, like, you know,
Speaker 1: I didn't end it with you because I wanted you to,
Speaker 1: because I want you to be my boyfriend. Like it
Speaker 1: was like this isn't going anywhere. Are you my boyfriend?
Speaker 1: And he was like, you did it. That's not why
Speaker 1: you that's not why. That's not the reason. And I know,
Speaker 1: like the black and white reason that's probably very black
Speaker 1: and white for men, Like it's like, well, she must
Speaker 1: have endered it because we're not. No, it's because I
Speaker 1: don't actually know where we're going, Like yeah, I don't
Speaker 1: know that we even want the same thing. Yeah, Like
Speaker 1: it's like, are we going like, are we heading that
Speaker 1: direction or are we just like enjoying each other's company indefinitely,
Speaker 1: because like, for me, like I'm not really good at
Speaker 1: enjoying someone's company and being saying I love you and
Speaker 1: then it being casual, because that's what we were doing.
Speaker 1: We were saying I love you, I'm in love with you.
Speaker 1: We had very like intense moments of like people have
Speaker 1: had to. We've shared some beautiful moments that I'm so
Speaker 1: grateful for, but it's confusing to my heart and my body,
Speaker 1: and my body kept telling me like, this doesn't feel good.
Speaker 1: Why do you keep doing this? Why could you?
Speaker 2: Felt like I was in limbell that he could be
Speaker 2: sharing those same intimates with someone else.
Speaker 1: I felt triggered because I've never felt safe in a relationship.
Speaker 1: I've never felt safe emotionally, I've never felt safe physically
Speaker 1: my body like, and being in an open dating relationship
Speaker 1: doesn't feel safe, Like this doesn't feel like safety to me.
Speaker 1: It doesn't feel like security. And it's not that I
Speaker 1: and I told him, I was like, I'm not that
Speaker 1: I want to possess you, because I don't. It's just
Speaker 1: that I need to know that like we're building something
Speaker 1: sacred that's going somewhere at some point. He constantly was
Speaker 1: so adamant about telling me I need my freedom, I
Speaker 1: need my freedom. I need me to the point where
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, nigga, then why are you then why
Speaker 1: are we doing this? Like, go have your freedom? Am
Speaker 1: I in hinging on your freedom? Don't think so? It
Speaker 1: just doesn't seem like we were in line, And I
Speaker 1: just felt like I was. It was just taking up
Speaker 1: a lot of space in my life.
Speaker 2: So you're giving him girlfriend treatment. He wasn't giving you
Speaker 2: boyfriend treatment.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, I was driving. You felt like you were getting
Speaker 1: a short end of this stick kind of yeah. And
Speaker 1: and it's really my fault because he told me what
Speaker 1: he was capable of, you know, and and you saw
Speaker 1: and I saw it, and he showed me over and
Speaker 1: over and over again. It was me like wanting to
Speaker 1: be like, Okay, well I can handle this. Maybe this
Speaker 1: is what I need. This is what I need, but
Speaker 1: I don't know how to give it that. I don't
Speaker 1: know how to give that way. I'm like, well, do
Speaker 1: you do you want to? You want someone who's just
Speaker 1: going to show up as in.
Speaker 2: Like with the same amount of energy and the same
Speaker 2: amount or didn't want to be a boyfriend or someone
Speaker 2: who eventually wants to be in a relationship.
Speaker 1: And eventually I just look like, for there's things that
Speaker 1: he had he like we're we're seriously dating. There's things
Speaker 1: that he hasn't done for me that are important to
Speaker 1: me that I can't expect to be done just because
Speaker 1: we become boyfriend and girlfriend, Like just because okay, now
Speaker 1: we're boyfriend and girlfriend. So now all those things that
Speaker 1: like you didn't do before, now you're gonna start doing, right,
Speaker 1: Like no, that's how you get fucking disappointed, right, and
Speaker 1: then you're like what the fuck? So like I just
Speaker 1: had to understand who meet him where he is right now,
Speaker 1: and this is who you are and accept and accept
Speaker 1: that and that that was really hard because like I
Speaker 1: could still be dating him right now, I could still
Speaker 1: be like doing this thing, but like you know, I
Speaker 1: had to, like and that's what I was saying, Like
Speaker 1: I felt good about the other day setting boundaries. I
Speaker 1: really had to set a serious boundary for myself and
Speaker 1: be like this doesn't feel good. Stop it. Stop normalizing
Speaker 1: shit that is not normal for your for your who
Speaker 1: you are in your core, Stop denying who you are
Speaker 1: on your core because you want to be this free
Speaker 1: open I don't care, and it's it's not like you
Speaker 1: can't be It's not that you're not like that in
Speaker 1: some ways, but you also know what feels good to
Speaker 1: you and stop judging yourself for that and making you
Speaker 1: feel like, well, maybe it only feels good to me
Speaker 1: because you know daddy is well, well, well it's okay.
Speaker 1: I think it's okay.
Speaker 2: Challenge yourself and be like, you know, why am I
Speaker 2: feeling this way? But I think it's also acknowledged, like oh,
Speaker 2: because maybe this person's not giving me what I deserve
Speaker 2: and that's why it doesn't feel good.
Speaker 1: And I think I'm so proud of you.
Speaker 2: That's a big deal because the more you do that,
Speaker 2: the easier it will become, the more like the quicker
Speaker 2: will be won't be nine months later and you're life
Speaker 2: right because so this is also I know, you know,
Speaker 2: like a huge, a huge I think, like, uh thing
Speaker 2: I keep hearing a lot and a lot of my
Speaker 2: friends like theme, and a lot of my friends who
Speaker 2: are in relationships, are in marriages is issues like deal
Speaker 2: breaking issues in their marriage and my own my first
Speaker 2: questions always was that present in the beginning, and all
Speaker 2: of them say yes, every single I can't think of
Speaker 2: one situation like no, this is how it's always been.
Speaker 2: And I see how much we fuck ourselves wanting something
Speaker 2: to be something something that it's not, or you think
Speaker 2: you can work on it, work on it, and not
Speaker 2: being you know, aligned with your five unbreakables, frozen five
Speaker 2: for your frozen five, because I don't want to waste
Speaker 2: two years shit I don't know, six months dealing with
Speaker 2: somebody who may they have all these other qualities, but
Speaker 2: this one quality I can change. I know they'll change,
Speaker 2: because that shit doesn't change. And then you've married, you've
Speaker 2: had kids, you've bought houses, and you're all intertwined and
Speaker 2: it seems impossible to move forward and move on. But
Speaker 2: because you've lied to yourself, and if we can be
Speaker 2: more in tune with what doesn't feel.
Speaker 1: Good, then we could cut a lot of that bullshit out.
Speaker 1: I feel like for me, I know, my body literally
Speaker 1: tells me every time, and I constantly reject it. And
Speaker 1: when I don't reject it, it flows so much better.
Speaker 1: But it's sometimes not in line with what my brain
Speaker 1: wants or what my mind I think my mind wants
Speaker 1: and what I think I need or what I can tolerate,
Speaker 1: and it's like no, So like setting that boundary was
Speaker 1: really totally based out of my body, because my body
Speaker 1: and like the way I feel, have not been feeling good.
Speaker 1: Every time I think about that person. It's not filled
Speaker 1: with joy like the way it was and uncertain. I
Speaker 1: have to acknowledge it and stop denying it, and I
Speaker 1: feel better about it, and I just hope hopefully my
Speaker 1: next situation or whatever that comes, I just know I
Speaker 1: can't be giving these niggas fucking boyfriend privileges when you're not.
Speaker 1: It doesn't feel good to me, like that would feel great,
Speaker 1: like we've worked towards something and now like, well, I
Speaker 1: think what it does is it creates an illusion. When
Speaker 1: you start treating someone like they're your man. It's fun.
Speaker 1: It's like playing house, you know, it is like playing Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's like it's so sick. It's sick. It's like it
Speaker 1: really is like playing house.
Speaker 2: And so you create this illusion like I'm in love,
Speaker 2: I love people having sex, I'm cooking breakfast.
Speaker 1: Hey baby, i'm massaging you. We're having sex without a condom.
Speaker 1: And then you leave and then you go home and
Speaker 1: then you're like, oh my god, when is he gonna
Speaker 1: call me again? Is he calling me? Oh my god,
Speaker 1: it's been like two days. Hasn't called you this? But
Speaker 1: I made you breakfast and I fucking we like kissed
Speaker 1: in the rain and shit, like you know, it's just
Speaker 1: like oh, anyway, I know right, kissed in the rain.
Speaker 1: It's like a real thing. Like remember that time we
Speaker 1: were holding hands in the rain and you told me.
Speaker 2: We have that movie moment, don't watch movies moment. I'm
Speaker 2: so happy I'm not the only psycho.
Speaker 1: It's not psycho.
Speaker 2: It's real because literally I was like holding's hand in
Speaker 2: the rain, I love you, and I was like, this
Speaker 2: is us, this moment, it's us forever to break out
Speaker 2: in song. Anyway, we need to work on our sanity.
Speaker 1: Well, I mean, I'm glad I'm making progress, but I'm
Speaker 1: one step forward like two steps back. Yes, yes, that's
Speaker 1: such a thing.
Speaker 2: And I really had to reflect on that this year
Speaker 2: because I was like, I thought I was making so
Speaker 2: much progress, but no, I don't anymore. I feel like
Speaker 2: I'm still like I didn't have sex for six months.
Speaker 1: You are, you are though you are, and you can
Speaker 1: start whenever again. Whenever you want. You know what I mean?
Speaker 1: It's like no, but I just mean like, I don't
Speaker 1: mean sex, I don't mean in anything. Yeah, I know. Okay,
Speaker 1: so obviously our life's kind of in shambles right now,
Speaker 1: but someone wants our advice something. Not sure why, let's
Speaker 1: read it.
Speaker 2: My kid's dad and I broke up a couple of
Speaker 2: years ago. I have absolutely no feelings for him, and
Speaker 2: we don't talk too much. We are in a good
Speaker 2: place for the most part. However, he still does secretive,
Speaker 2: shady shit without telling me. While I have no cares
Speaker 2: about him, I do care what goes on when he
Speaker 2: has my daughters. Sometimes he will have them shut off
Speaker 2: their phones. He denies it so I can't see where
Speaker 2: they're at and other similar stuff. I don't know if
Speaker 2: he's doing this just to aggravate me, but I really
Speaker 2: dislike how he blatantly lies right to my face. So
Speaker 2: I just found out, not by him, of course, that
Speaker 2: he moved in with the girl, and my daughters already know,
Speaker 2: and my daughters already know sorry her, and have been
Speaker 2: spending time there. Okay, I knew this day would come,
Speaker 2: but he chose not to mention it. He was introducing
Speaker 2: my daughters to a whole new person. It gets under
Speaker 2: my skin even more because he did this years ago
Speaker 2: when my kids were smaller and had a whole other
Speaker 2: baby without me knowing. My kids were too small to
Speaker 2: even be able to tell me, so you can understand
Speaker 2: my frustration. So I plan on meeting up with this
Speaker 2: girl and learning more about her as she is going
Speaker 2: to be around my kids. I've never had to deal
Speaker 2: with this, and I'm clueless on where to meet. Any
Speaker 2: advice on how to do this in a non aggressive way.
Speaker 1: Laugh out loud. It's not the other girl's fault. It's
Speaker 1: your baby daddy's fault that he didn't communicate this. So
Speaker 1: you have to go in meeting her not mad at her, right,
Speaker 1: don't you agree? I agree? I think the more copeesthetic,
Speaker 1: the better you know.
Speaker 2: You need to actually get to know her, and that
Speaker 2: requires being chill.
Speaker 1: Maybe meet in a made at a coffee shop or something,
Speaker 1: or at your house is too no, it needs to
Speaker 1: be an even playing field so they both feel comfortable.
Speaker 1: I don't know what to do about well, firstly the
Speaker 1: baby daddy issue, Like, I'm not really sure how to
Speaker 1: resolve that. Obviously he lies and it can't be honest,
Speaker 1: I'm not sure there's anything you can actually do about that.
Speaker 1: All you're really only resource now or I think best
Speaker 1: option is trying to meet with this girl, see how
Speaker 1: she is. If she seems cool, then try to build
Speaker 1: a good rapport with her, because she could be an
Speaker 1: ally to you. Actually, I feel like, you know, obviously
Speaker 1: her loyalty is going to be to your baby daddy.
Speaker 1: But if women, hopefully, I think at the root of us,
Speaker 1: we like, you know, have a connection and like a sisterhood,
Speaker 1: and that if she's gonna be spending time with your kids,
Speaker 1: if she's a good person, like you know, hopefully.
Speaker 2: I mean, I feel like anybody should be able to understand.
Speaker 2: You have my greatest prize possession. I need to know
Speaker 2: who you are. I want us to have a relationship
Speaker 2: because it's important to me because you're going to be
Speaker 2: around have a relationship with Mike kids obviously if you
Speaker 2: guys are living together, and I think it's important that
Speaker 2: you let your baby daddy know that, Like, there's really
Speaker 2: no reason to hide anything from me.
Speaker 1: I'm not here to like, maybe he needs to know
Speaker 1: I'm not I don't want you, I.
Speaker 2: Don't care and and you should tell him like if
Speaker 2: the lies really trigger me, and you know why, I mean,
Speaker 2: obviously you had another baby. Like I would just prefer
Speaker 2: from here on out, like let's just co parent from
Speaker 2: an honest place because we're just friends and I don't
Speaker 2: really give a fuck, So just you could keep it
Speaker 2: real with me. You know, maybe it just comes to
Speaker 2: just being mature and like the homie approach.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but try not to be a bitch to the babe,
Speaker 1: to the girl unless she's a bitch and then in
Speaker 1: that case, beat your ass. No, but yeah, what she
Speaker 1: is a bitch? That's she'll have to ride in again
Speaker 1: because I got to think about that one and I we're
Speaker 1: running out of time. Okay, Well, anyway, thank you guys
Speaker 1: for tuning in. We are having a meet up August
Speaker 1: tenth at the Hollywood f for Cemetery again because y'all, bitches,
Speaker 1: we're scared of the Exorcist, so we picked a better
Speaker 1: movie and it's bomb. It is Boys in the Hood
Speaker 1: by John Singleton our IP So make sure you buy
Speaker 1: your tickets at Sinnespia dot com asap and check out
Speaker 1: our evite and rs VP so we know you're coming
Speaker 1: and we can reserve a space for you. Twest. Love
Speaker 1: is DJ DJ Pooh, We're dressing nineties. We have Black
Speaker 1: Girl Bravado podcast coming and hang out Jessica Urth Girl,
Speaker 1: Jessica Rows. Everybody's going to be there. Everyone's going to
Speaker 1: be there. Also, bring tequila. Also bring food. Also it's
Speaker 1: a picnic, so you can just picnic and drink wine
Speaker 1: and it's a pot luck and hopefully ice Cube comes out.
Speaker 1: It's like, I'm really trying to manifest ice cbe coming out.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and shout out to people who came last weekend
Speaker 2: because we.
Speaker 1: Had a Yeah, we had a really good time and
Speaker 1: the Exorcist is still fucking scary it is. Anyway, Well,
Speaker 1: good bye Juesday.
Speaker 3: You know what love is, but I swear I've never
Speaker 3: seen it in your life. Oh I swear I've never
Speaker 3: seen it in your life.
Speaker 1: Oh h m hmm.
Speaker 3: I swear I've never seen it in your life.