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Speaker 1: Wind down with Janet Kramer did I'm Heart Radio podcast?

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Speaker 2: Hey girl, Hey, how's it going good?

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Speaker 3: How about you?

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Speaker 2: Oh, it's good. I've been thinking about you all week.

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Speaker 2: You have, I have because I'm just dying to know,

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Speaker 2: because I really listened to the podcast so many times

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Speaker 2: because I am still astonished at how open and honest,

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Speaker 2: not only you, but Mike. For a man to be

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Speaker 2: that honest and in the moment, so I want to know.

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Speaker 3: It was huge.

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Speaker 2: It was huge. Yeah, did you guys do anything that

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Speaker 2: she suggested?

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Speaker 3: Well, I'll just say this, Like when we left, I

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Speaker 3: was just like, hey, are you okay? And He's just like, babe,

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Speaker 3: that was that really took a lot out of me.

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Speaker 3: He's like that, you know, he's like for a man

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Speaker 3: to admit that, you know, I have intimacy issues and

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Speaker 3: sometimes I don't perform well and you know I have

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Speaker 3: these issues. And it was it was hard. I mean

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Speaker 3: that day was like I was like, well, I was like,

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Speaker 3: I'm sorry, is there anything that I might have said

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Speaker 3: that offended you? He's like no, He's like, it's just

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Speaker 3: it's it's hard. I'm supposed to be like a man

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Speaker 3: and I don't have these issues and so was I

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Speaker 3: think it was really tough for me. He's like, and

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Speaker 3: I'm I'm curious how it's gonna sound. And so he

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Speaker 3: was so worried the entire week about it airing on Monday.

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Speaker 3: And then he listened to it, and I was like,

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Speaker 3: so what do you think. He's like, I loved it,

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Speaker 3: and I was like, yaya, so great hebe that's so awesome.

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Speaker 3: But he was still like a little worried. And then

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Speaker 3: I started to screenshot him the direct messages I got

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Speaker 3: from Instagram where people were like, thank you so much, Mike,

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Speaker 3: because you know, and thank you both of us for

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Speaker 3: being you know, vulnerable and honest about our issues. He's

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Speaker 3: like some of the girls were like, I had my

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Speaker 3: husband listen because you know, there's a lot of things

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Speaker 3: that you said that I could relate to. But then also,

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Speaker 3: you know, I had my husband. You know, I let

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Speaker 3: my husband listen to get an inside of how we're

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Speaker 3: feeling or sometimes or it's like I related with Mike,

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Speaker 3: So I let this person listen because it made me

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Speaker 3: feel like I wasn't alone. And Mike was like, wow,

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Speaker 3: like we really like did help a lot of people.

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Speaker 3: And I was like, yes, like this is why like

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Speaker 3: I want to like talk about this. It is because

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Speaker 3: it does help so many people. And to be open

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Speaker 3: and to be honest is so hard. But at the

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Speaker 3: same time, when you can not feel alone, when we

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Speaker 3: can all feel like we're not alone in this and

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Speaker 3: people struggle with these issues and to be able to

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Speaker 3: talk about it is huge. And I'm so proud of

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Speaker 3: him that he's not hiding in a shame like he

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Speaker 3: has in the past, and where he's able to just

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Speaker 3: talk open about it and we can kind of share

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Speaker 3: how we're dealing with things and how and again to

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Speaker 3: have people relate is so huge because that means that

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Speaker 3: we're not alone in it either exactly, which is so awesome.

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Speaker 3: And I'm just like, I'm so thankful to all the

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Speaker 3: wind Down listeners that have instagram me and emailed me

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Speaker 3: just because it's it's nice to know that we're.

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Speaker 2: A team and we're not alone and you're not alone

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Speaker 2: and he's been so honest.

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Speaker 3: Oh, I know, it's so great, which is so awesome

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Speaker 3: because you know, being honest is.

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Speaker 2: It's where the growth, Yeah, where the growth happens. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: it's in that moment of acceptance.

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Speaker 3: And it's really nice too to see, like I had

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Speaker 3: one of my best girlfriends reach out to me, Leslie.

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Speaker 3: She texted me, and she actually texted Mike too. She goes,

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Speaker 3: y'all's growth is because I mean she was, she was

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Speaker 3: there what I discovered, and she was she's you know,

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Speaker 3: she's been through the ringer with both of us, and

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Speaker 3: you know she's friends with both of us. And she's like,

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Speaker 3: how you guys talk now is so different from how

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Speaker 3: you guys talked two years ago, and how you guys

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Speaker 3: are now being able to like help people and to

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Speaker 3: process this in such like a grown up, mature sure

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Speaker 3: a way. She's like, it's so nice to hear. And

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Speaker 3: I was like, man, that's like affirmation for me that

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Speaker 3: I'm doing my work too. Absolutely, we're both like working

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Speaker 3: on it, so it's great. And again, like just how

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Speaker 3: many people have questions about sex, which is why we

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Speaker 3: essentially did us a part too, because it's an issue

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Speaker 3: and people don't talk about sex. It's such a taboo

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Speaker 3: thing where people don't, they feel.

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Speaker 2: They're afraid, they're there's you know, everybody wants to just

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Speaker 2: put out that energy that they're having the best sex,

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Speaker 2: everything's great, right, No one wants to talk.

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Speaker 3: About them to find out a lot of people are like,

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Speaker 3: I don't even want to have sex with my husband.

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Speaker 3: I'm tired or this or that. It's like how do

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Speaker 3: we keep the romance alive? So I'm excited to answer

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Speaker 3: these emails today, and I'm excited that we have Shari

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Speaker 3: back because she when we got in the car, we're like, damn,

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Speaker 3: Surei's awesome, Like she really truly helped us.

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Speaker 2: Did you guys use any of the tools that she

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Speaker 2: armed you with?

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Speaker 3: Honestly? I mean she said communication's key, and that has

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Speaker 3: just from you know, this past week working on things

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Speaker 3: with him. It's our communication just in general the past

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Speaker 3: two years has gotten so much better, but really the

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Speaker 3: last two months it's been great. But yeah, I mean

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Speaker 3: I think it's just with Surey. I mean, we know

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Speaker 3: communication is so key with us, but just highlighting those

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Speaker 3: things and kind of remembering that's like, okay, that's what

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Speaker 3: we have to do. And yeah, I mean he definitely

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Speaker 3: got my cues.

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Speaker 2: You know he did. You were wearing lunch right, and

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Speaker 2: he was like.

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Speaker 3: Oh, he got the cue. But the lotion thing didn't work.

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Speaker 3: Oh it didn't, no, because he started putting lotions on

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Speaker 3: my leg like a barbarian, and I was like, just stop,

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Speaker 3: Like he's like flabbering on my legs and I was like,

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Speaker 3: this is not sexy, nor is it like even getting

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Speaker 3: on my legs, So.

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Speaker 2: Just stop and then the bud's all sticky.

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Speaker 3: I know. I was like, good night, I'm going to bed.

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Speaker 3: You can stop now. But no, I mean, it's just

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Speaker 3: it's nice to just have like that affirmation and the

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Speaker 3: remembering like tools and stuff. But yeah, we're so good.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, you guys are so nice. You guys are really

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Speaker 2: putting the work in.

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Speaker 3: We are, and it's nice to only see the outcome.

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Speaker 3: But I'm you know, I did say this to my therapist,

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Speaker 3: so I go, we're so good that I'm so scared

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Speaker 3: when the other shoe's going to drop because it's like

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Speaker 3: we're so good and we're so working on it. It's

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Speaker 3: like when am I going to find something or what like,

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Speaker 3: and it's it's that scares me. But I'm just going

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Speaker 3: to try and stay positive and we're on a good

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Speaker 3: path and.

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Speaker 2: Not let the past through in the present. Yeah, stay present,

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Speaker 2: we do that.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I know, but no, we're good. I'm happy. We

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Speaker 3: celebrate our anniversary, which was so much fun.

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Speaker 2: That's so awesome. Yeah, it was great. Was it was

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Speaker 2: it different this this year? Oh?

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Speaker 3: It was so much different. What was Again, We're just

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Speaker 3: we're more comfortable with each other. We're not putting expectations

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Speaker 3: on each other good, which is so key for us.

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Speaker 3: And we're just again we're just so like we had

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Speaker 3: great memorials and we're just like hanging out with like

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Speaker 3: people and it's like I felt secure and usually like

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Speaker 3: when we're around other people, I feel very insecure and

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Speaker 3: I'm always just like who's he talking to? And like

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Speaker 3: now we're just like we're comfortable with each other good.

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Speaker 3: And even like there was a few things where he

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Speaker 3: was kind of on edge this week and before I

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Speaker 3: would send him like a scathing text message, being like

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Speaker 3: why are you acting this way? And I'm just like,

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Speaker 3: you know what, like it'll come back around, you know.

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Speaker 3: He came back around and he's like, hey, I've been

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Speaker 3: on edge. I'm sorry. I'm like, hey, thanks for acknowledging

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Speaker 3: that we're good.

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Speaker 2: Cool.

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Speaker 3: You know, it's like this not just making these big

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Speaker 3: things right.

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Speaker 2: Kind of let him work through it be in his head.

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Speaker 2: I'm not managing comes back around. I'm managing my emotions,

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Speaker 2: which is great. So yeah, right now, I know it's weird.

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Speaker 2: I know, I'm like, yeah, I'm.

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Speaker 3: Like tiptoe, it's going to be okay, I think, so yeah, okay.

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Speaker 3: So I know I've talked about stamps dot Com before,

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Speaker 3: and I want to talk about them again because I'm

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Speaker 3: starting up a business and it is going to be

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Speaker 3: so much easier to be able to get stamps because

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Speaker 3: you can get postage on demand and all you need

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Speaker 3: is stamps dot Com. Like this podcast, you can listen

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Speaker 3: whenever you want, when it's convenient for you, so you

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Speaker 3: can get practically anything on demand, which is why I'm

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Speaker 3: excited that stamps dot Com. You can too. With stamps

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Speaker 3: post office right from your desk, so you buy in

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Speaker 3: print real US postage for any letter or any package,

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Speaker 3: twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, which

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Speaker 3: is great because you don't have to be like, oh crap,

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Speaker 3: it's closing, I have to do this, blah blah blah.

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Speaker 3: You just click print mail and you are literally done.

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Speaker 3: Stamps dot Com will even send you a digital scale

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Speaker 3: so you can weigh your letters and packages and print

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Speaker 3: the exact amount of postage every time. So I think

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Speaker 3: that's pretty cool cool for my listeners. Right now, use

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Speaker 3: Jana for a special four week trial including postage and

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Speaker 3: dot com and before you do anything else, click on

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Speaker 3: their radio microphone at the top of the homepage and

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Speaker 3: type in Jana. That's Stamps dot com. Enter Jana. Ladies

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Speaker 3: and gentlemen, drum roll please, she is back from Shariheey

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Speaker 3: dot com. It's our friend and life saver, literally Shuri

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Speaker 3: Heally sureI Hi, hey girl, Hey, okay. So I'm so

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Speaker 3: good and I'm so glad that you're back on because

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Speaker 3: I got so many emails on my Instagram and also

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Speaker 3: at the iHeartMedia dot com email about how great you

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Speaker 3: were and the things that you said to help you

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Speaker 3: know you were you were speaking to Mike and I,

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Speaker 3: but you really truly helped so many other people too.

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Speaker 3: Everyone was like I was just nodding my head and

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Speaker 3: saying yes, Cherie, like yes, this is how this is

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Speaker 3: how I feel, and like, so I just I just

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Speaker 3: want to say thank you and I'm so glad you're back,

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Speaker 3: because you know, there's so many emails that I just

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Speaker 3: kind of want to you know, of course we you know,

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Speaker 3: Jenna and I have our input, but I think coming

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Speaker 3: from someone that actually this is what you do, I

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Speaker 3: want to make sure that we answer these properly. So

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Speaker 3: thank you for being on the phone with us and

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Speaker 3: for helping people again, because this is a I mean, man,

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Speaker 3: this is why we're doing a part two segment on sex.

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Speaker 4: Right.

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Speaker 3: We just got flooded with emails and people that need help.

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Speaker 4: So I'm so grateful. Thank you for letting me help

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Speaker 4: because it's what I'm here to do. It's huge.

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Speaker 3: All right, Well let's take it away. All right.

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Speaker 1: Here's an email from I believe it's pronounced Adasia, pretty name.

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Speaker 1: She says, I am twenty eight, my husband is two.

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Speaker 1: We have two daughters, one and three, and I called

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Speaker 1: my husband sending flirty messages to multiple women, some included

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Speaker 1: dirty pictures. No flash forward to today. We are working

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Speaker 1: on things. Our sex life is the best that's spend

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Speaker 1: in a long time. But here is where I need help.

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Speaker 1: I feel like every time he gets mad at me

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Speaker 1: or we argue, I want to throw it in his face.

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Speaker 1: Nothing I ever do is as bad as what he did.

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Speaker 1: How do I hold my tongue. Also, sometimes he gets

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Speaker 1: suspicious of me when I go out with my friends.

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Speaker 1: Am I being crazy? Am I justified?

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Speaker 5: Oh boy?

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Speaker 4: Okay, do you want me to start with this one?

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Speaker 2: Guys?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, you start, yeah, because I'd be like, yeah, screw him, kidding,

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Speaker 3: I mean.

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Speaker 2: Question yeah, yeah.

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Speaker 4: Yeah. But so here's the thing. I'm a big fan

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Speaker 4: of feeling good. I'm pretty sure we're all here on

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Speaker 4: the planet to be happy and to feel loved. So

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Speaker 4: that's the skill, right, And I think if she could,

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Speaker 4: if all of us could adopt a positive belief, an

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Speaker 4: empowering belief, that is, there's a good reason for everything

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Speaker 4: everyone does. Just to try that on for a minute.

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Speaker 4: When you say there's a good reason for everything, there

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Speaker 4: was a good reason for what he did. And I'd

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Speaker 4: get curious about why he sent those pictures the floridy text.

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Speaker 4: What was he trying to get? And it always comes

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Speaker 4: down to, I mean most always that somebody's trying to

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Speaker 4: get their needs met. And we talked about this with you,

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Speaker 4: Jenna and Mike last time. But I would be wondering,

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Speaker 4: you know, what he was needed. There's a need in

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Speaker 4: the human needs psychology. We've talked about before for significance

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Speaker 4: and uncertainty excitement, right, And I'm guessing that maybe those

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Speaker 4: two were in play. That he needed to feel like

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Speaker 4: somebody wanted him. That's a big thing for guys. They

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Speaker 4: need to be desired. We all have that, but in

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Speaker 4: the masculine that's a big thing. And so he was

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Speaker 4: getting a quick hit, a low level hit, right, and

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Speaker 4: a dangerous hit. But maybe he's also meeting some spricee

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Speaker 4: in his life and some excitement, and so it sounds

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Speaker 4: like they're working on things, and it's great to hear

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Speaker 4: that their sex life is better than ever. I'm sure

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Speaker 4: that's helpful. But what I've learned about infidelity too is

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Speaker 4: it's not always just about sex. Like there are people

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Speaker 4: who can have an incredible sex life and someone's still cheating.

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Speaker 4: So that's where you got to go underneath it a bit.

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Speaker 4: And so if she can take on there's a good

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Speaker 4: reason for it, and then work with him, get really

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Speaker 4: curious around what was it that he was meeting that

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Speaker 4: maybe they can work on him providing himself and her

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Speaker 4: providing for him, come up with new ways to fill

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Speaker 4: his tank like that that's important. And then the second

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Speaker 4: piece is the need to want to throw it back

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Speaker 4: in his face is only going to really be destructive.

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Speaker 4: You've experienced that a bit, Dan, it's like hard to

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Speaker 4: let go.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, And in the beginning, I mean I think it's okay,

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Speaker 3: But towards the you know, now, especially we're two years

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Speaker 3: past it, it's like, all right, that's not doing any

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Speaker 3: of us any good. There's it's not good for me

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Speaker 3: to shame him this these many years back.

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Speaker 6: You know.

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Speaker 3: It's it's if I've expressed my feelings, like, hey, you know,

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Speaker 3: I'm feeling triggered because this hurt me. So I mean,

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Speaker 3: there's definitely there ways of doing it better, and throwing

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Speaker 3: in your face does not help either party.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean, I'm interested in being successful, you know,

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Speaker 4: I'm trying to receive, and so if you know you're

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Speaker 4: going to throw something at him that he's only going

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Speaker 4: to get defensive at. And Mike talked about that like,

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Speaker 4: oh my god. That in the masculine, when even we're

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Speaker 4: as women in the masculine with somebody talent us, the

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Speaker 4: instant response is a reaction is to challenge back and win.

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Speaker 4: So that's just not going to work. So what's helpful

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Speaker 4: in the rebuild is to choose a value, something that's

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Speaker 4: going to be like your anchor, your go to when

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Speaker 4: things get tough. So when I was getting divorced, and

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Speaker 4: I do this with a lot of couples, I chose peace.

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Speaker 4: You can choose anything what's the most important to you.

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Speaker 4: But I just wanted to have peace. I didn't want

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Speaker 4: to have a war. And in the rebuild that's pretty important.

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Speaker 4: So if she was to choose peace, for instance, when

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Speaker 4: she's tempted to want to throw it back, she remembers

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Speaker 4: and maybe there's you know, a braceletter or something that

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Speaker 4: she wears that or you know a peace sign or

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Speaker 4: something which you've got around the house that's always like, wait,

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Speaker 4: peace first? What would peace do? Or if it's love,

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Speaker 4: like how could I do this lovingly? Because in that

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Speaker 4: you're going to always get to some connection, some resolution,

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Speaker 4: some success, right, So I think it's just in making

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Speaker 4: that choice that would help a lot.

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Speaker 3: I will say the third part of her question though,

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Speaker 3: saying sometimes he gets suspicious. I feel like whenever Mike

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Speaker 3: would get suspicious of me is when he was actually

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Speaker 3: the one doing something wrong.

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Speaker 2: I do believe that. I really it's always like too.

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Speaker 3: Because he would say something to me is like I'm like,

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Speaker 3: what are you doing right now? And it's like and

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Speaker 3: every time I caught him in something because that was

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Speaker 3: so I just my fears because he's doing these things

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Speaker 3: her husband, It's like, whoa I'd be. I would be

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Speaker 3: suspicious of him being suspicious? Absolutely, but I mean, who knows.

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Speaker 3: Maybe not, but that's just from my past. That is

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Speaker 3: what I've seen.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I think what you're focusing on already tends to

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Speaker 4: become pervasive. They say what you focus on expands, right,

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Speaker 4: So if he's already focusing on his own suspicious behavior,

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Speaker 4: it's going to kind of be everywhere. So I agree

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Speaker 4: with I would also, though, in the same way, go

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Speaker 4: underneath it. What's really going on for someone when they're suspicious.

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Speaker 4: Usually it's a lack of trust, a lack of connection.

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Speaker 4: So you'd want to focus in on, hey are you

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Speaker 4: are you feeling super far away from me?

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Speaker 6: What? What?

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Speaker 4: What's the good reason underneath the suspicion, Because when you're

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Speaker 4: not suspicious, usually you feel safe, right, Yeah, you feel

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Speaker 4: safe with someone, you trust them, you know you're connected.

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Speaker 4: There's no way you would think this person is up

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Speaker 4: to something. So I'd focus on restoring that instead of

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Speaker 4: you know going into the fight about well you did

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Speaker 4: and this you're just projecting and you know all of that.

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Speaker 4: How can we restore safety?

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Speaker 2: Got it?

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Speaker 3: And stop sending messages? Dude?

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Speaker 6: All right?

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Speaker 3: Mark, all right?

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Speaker 1: This is from Michelle. I'm in a relationship where I'm

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Speaker 1: not happy anymore. My fiance and I aren't really intimate anymore.

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Speaker 1: No kissing, no holding hands. I haven't experts my feelings

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Speaker 1: with my fiance because I'm scared and I hate the

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Speaker 1: thought of taking our daughter away from her dad and

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Speaker 1: her home. She's two. I haven't been happy in a

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Speaker 1: really long time. I just know what to do. What's

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Speaker 1: your take on staying in a relationship.

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Speaker 2: For the kids? Nope?

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Speaker 3: Okay, time out, time out. I have to debate that.

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Speaker 3: I'm not saying. I know you guys are both saying no. However,

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Speaker 3: I stayed in the beginning for Jolie so that I

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Speaker 3: can say to my daughter, I tried everything to keep

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Speaker 3: this family together. Now I'm not sacrificing my happiness, like

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Speaker 3: if I was still miserable and happy. If I was

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Speaker 3: still miserable, I would not still be in a relationship

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Speaker 3: with my husband. But we've continued to grow. But if

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Speaker 3: it was just for my daughter. I mean if I

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Speaker 3: didn't do that, we would have been divorced and I

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Speaker 3: never would have tried. And I didn't, I wouldn't have

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Speaker 3: been able to see the silver lining, is what I'm saying.

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Speaker 2: No, I understand that, and that is a specialized situation

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Speaker 2: because there were actually things that were happening.

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Speaker 3: But when she's saying like should, I yes, they need

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Speaker 3: to work on it. And I don't think you should

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Speaker 3: stay in a relationship for the kids for the long haul.

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Speaker 3: I don't think that's a good thing. Like again, if

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Speaker 3: we were still bad, but if you know, if they

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Speaker 3: can work on it for the kids for themselves, like

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Speaker 3: to try to keep the family together. I think that'd

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Speaker 3: be what has worked for me. But again, if it

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Speaker 3: doesn't work out and you're still not happy, and you're

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Speaker 3: still not because then a day you want a happy

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Speaker 3: household for your child and it's okay, it's okay if

378
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Speaker 3: it's two happy households, you know, for one unhappy household.

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Speaker 2: No, because they learn. You don't want them to grow

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Speaker 2: up thinking that's what a relationship is.

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Speaker 3: Right, But I think you at least should give it

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Speaker 3: a shot for the child, because for me, that was

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Speaker 3: my biggest thing if I because if I didn't try

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Speaker 3: to try to keep my family together, I would feel

385
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Speaker 3: like I let down Jolie and I let down our family.

386
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Speaker 3: He let down our family first and foremost. But then

387
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Speaker 3: I could have been the one to bury it. Well.

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Speaker 2: I think it depends on the situation because you because

389
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Speaker 2: because there were some issues and like when outside, when oh.

390
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Speaker 3: She's saying she's not happy, that she's not happy, but.

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Speaker 2: They're not even married yet and she's saying she's not

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Speaker 2: happy and she hasn't expressed she needs to express her feelings.

393
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Speaker 2: Yeah right, yeah, yeah.

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Speaker 3: She should not stay. But if she if they can work,

395
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Speaker 3: if like this guy, maybe he doesn't know, like maybe

396
00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:28,080
Speaker 3: it's like maybe again that's not his love language is

397
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Speaker 3: to kiss and hold hands and do these things. I

398
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Speaker 3: don't know, like or maybe he's stressed. It's like if

399
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Speaker 3: maybe he knows what's going on, that then they might

400
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Speaker 3: be able to work on it. And if then still

401
00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:41,920
Speaker 3: it's not working right and then definitely don't stay. That's

402
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Speaker 3: my take, y'all go.

403
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Speaker 4: Yeah, I agree, completely agree. I think I would coach

404
00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:51,720
Speaker 4: anyone to say that you want to try everything you

405
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Speaker 4: possibly can so that when you walk away, you do

406
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Speaker 4: so without regret. You don't look back and say, oh man,

407
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:02,919
Speaker 4: I could have tried. You'll never wonder. So I'm fully

408
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:06,320
Speaker 4: behind you on that, and I think there's something that

409
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,240
Speaker 4: could be looked at. You know, she's saying she's not

410
00:20:08,359 --> 00:20:11,240
Speaker 4: kissing anymore and not happy that. That says to me

411
00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:15,520
Speaker 4: a woman is shut down, she's closed. And I think

412
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Speaker 4: given the right skills, you know, given you're so right

413
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Speaker 4: sharing this information with him, there's if there are is

414
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Speaker 4: a willingness to open her back up, then I think

415
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:28,920
Speaker 4: everything could change.

416
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Speaker 3: Well here's something like nowhere happy twenty four to seven relationship.

417
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Speaker 3: I don't think if there is, like please, I mean

418
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Speaker 3: lessen Chip and Joanne.

419
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Speaker 2: Well they kept him really really really good communications skills.

420
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Speaker 2: I'm just going to go from my own experience. I

421
00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:48,040
Speaker 2: did try when to therapy, you know, communicated, and then

422
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:52,800
Speaker 2: I knew I still there was no growth happening, and

423
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Speaker 2: I had to make the decision and that was it.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and that's great. Yeah, and it's like you didn't

425
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Speaker 3: because yeah, people shouldn't, because I mean, gosh, I think

426
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Speaker 3: my parents should have gotten divorced way sooner, right than

427
00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:07,679
Speaker 3: they should have. And I you know, grew up in

428
00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:12,080
Speaker 3: a sort of unhappy family where it's like I wish

429
00:21:12,119 --> 00:21:15,040
Speaker 3: they would have gotten divorced sooner for us. So definitely

430
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:17,640
Speaker 3: don't stay just for the kids if you're that unhappy.

431
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Speaker 3: But I do promote to try to work on it.

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00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:25,879
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, femail kids like you guys said, Yeah, we

433
00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:28,560
Speaker 4: don't want the kids to learn that because what they

434
00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:30,560
Speaker 4: do is they take it on and then they think

435
00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:32,360
Speaker 4: it's their job to make mom happy.

436
00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:34,880
Speaker 3: Well, and that's where all my child issues come from.

437
00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:36,960
Speaker 3: I'm like, oh, well, my mom's stayed for that, so

438
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:38,960
Speaker 3: I guess I'm staying for this, you know. And it's

439
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,040
Speaker 3: like then it's like, no, that's not what I want

440
00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:42,200
Speaker 3: to ingrain in my child.

441
00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:43,600
Speaker 2: It becomes cyclical.

442
00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:46,879
Speaker 1: Yes, Mark Chris Marie says, my husband and I have

443
00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:49,160
Speaker 1: been married for six years now. We have sex about

444
00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:51,480
Speaker 1: a couple of times a year. It's not that I

445
00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:53,680
Speaker 1: don't want to have intimacy. It's just that I'm so

446
00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:57,200
Speaker 1: self conscious that I feel too disgusted getting undressed. I'm

447
00:21:57,240 --> 00:21:59,240
Speaker 1: plus size, so while I can think about when we

448
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:01,960
Speaker 1: do try is my body and it just turns me off.

449
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:04,080
Speaker 1: It's lights out during or not at all.

450
00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:07,800
Speaker 3: Any advice, I will say I'm a lights off anyways,

451
00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:13,199
Speaker 3: just because I feel better about myself lights off. But

452
00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:18,600
Speaker 3: that's a tough one because you want to feel confident.

453
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:21,120
Speaker 3: So I would say, try to do something to make

454
00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:24,919
Speaker 3: yourself feel confident, whether that's go to a plates glass

455
00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:27,760
Speaker 3: or just something to like make yourself feel prettier. I

456
00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:29,320
Speaker 3: don't know, It's.

457
00:22:29,359 --> 00:22:34,680
Speaker 2: Really hard because everyone has insecurities. Even when you've been

458
00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:37,880
Speaker 2: married for years, you end up. You know, you can

459
00:22:38,119 --> 00:22:42,320
Speaker 2: be super thin and not plus size and still have insecurities.

460
00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:48,800
Speaker 2: But I mean, my best advice is to start to

461
00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:53,240
Speaker 2: get active, walking doing stuff, just like Jana said, making

462
00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:56,879
Speaker 2: yourself feel good, find pretty things to wear to bed,

463
00:22:57,600 --> 00:23:01,199
Speaker 2: all of that because I bet her husband and is

464
00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:03,320
Speaker 2: not thinking what she's thinking.

465
00:23:03,920 --> 00:23:07,359
Speaker 4: I learned this and it really helped put my own

466
00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:11,560
Speaker 4: insecurities to rest too, because no matter what our size,

467
00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:16,480
Speaker 4: You're absolutely right, all women have way too much focus

468
00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:19,000
Speaker 4: on how we look. It's our culture, and we are

469
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:23,880
Speaker 4: horrible to ourselves. So what I learned was that because

470
00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:26,640
Speaker 4: anyone in the masculine but we'll just talk about men

471
00:23:26,680 --> 00:23:30,840
Speaker 4: for a minute. When we're in that mode, the man

472
00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:34,160
Speaker 4: is single focused, you know, that's just a way of like,

473
00:23:34,359 --> 00:23:36,480
Speaker 4: men are wired to get stuff done, and they do

474
00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:40,400
Speaker 4: one thing at a time brilliantly. And so this beautiful

475
00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:44,359
Speaker 4: deeper of mine was telling me, you have to understand

476
00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:47,960
Speaker 4: that they're not looking at your whole body. What they're

477
00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:49,879
Speaker 4: looking at is naked lady.

478
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:53,200
Speaker 6: Yes, yes, guy in the world.

479
00:23:53,480 --> 00:23:56,000
Speaker 4: They're not looking at all the little things that we

480
00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:58,359
Speaker 4: would because we have a very different focus. We have

481
00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:01,720
Speaker 4: a three hundred and sixty degree, like you know, diffuse

482
00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:04,240
Speaker 4: awareness where we see all that stuff all at once.

483
00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:08,000
Speaker 4: He's just thinking, like, I'm with my woman, and I'm

484
00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:12,040
Speaker 4: getting lucky right now. And I do agree that the

485
00:24:12,119 --> 00:24:15,840
Speaker 4: visual is everything, and so it's a gift to be

486
00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:18,359
Speaker 4: able to come up with a way of being together

487
00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:22,560
Speaker 4: that sort of really amplifies her and makes her feel

488
00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:27,000
Speaker 4: good and safe. That's also really fun for him. And

489
00:24:27,400 --> 00:24:29,520
Speaker 4: I'd also want her to check in with her husband

490
00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:31,440
Speaker 4: to say, is it okay with you that we're only

491
00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:36,159
Speaker 4: doing this twice a year because my understanding is, you know,

492
00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:39,800
Speaker 4: men need sex like food and water, and I can

493
00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:42,680
Speaker 4: only imagine two times a year is probably not enough

494
00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:43,040
Speaker 4: for him.

495
00:24:44,119 --> 00:24:47,320
Speaker 3: Yeah, my advice, baby girl, go to a laundry store

496
00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:50,119
Speaker 3: and look in the mirror and be like I am beautiful,

497
00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:52,439
Speaker 3: and then seduce your husband and he will be blown

498
00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:59,600
Speaker 3: away absolutely with the lights on medium, with the light medium.

499
00:24:58,160 --> 00:25:00,640
Speaker 4: Yeah, in a way that makes you feel good. Maybe

500
00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:01,560
Speaker 4: it's just candlelight.

501
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:03,800
Speaker 1: You know about the claws of light on with the

502
00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:05,040
Speaker 1: door opening the closet here.

503
00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:06,800
Speaker 3: Have you been spying on me?

504
00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:12,919
Speaker 4: There's also a really great program that I'd love to

505
00:25:13,119 --> 00:25:15,880
Speaker 4: recommend or a book that might be helpful, because there's

506
00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:18,639
Speaker 4: one woman in New York called Mama Gina and it's

507
00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:22,200
Speaker 4: spelled g e Na and she really helps women own

508
00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:25,880
Speaker 4: their bodies all sizes, all shapes, like like a queen.

509
00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:28,639
Speaker 2: Isat to have Mamma Gina on.

510
00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:29,600
Speaker 3: I like that.

511
00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:31,640
Speaker 4: I think you should. Yeah, she's got a book called

512
00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:34,560
Speaker 4: The Guide to the Womanly Arts to start, and then

513
00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:37,000
Speaker 4: she's got great programs too, and I think that she's

514
00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:39,080
Speaker 4: one that really helps us kind of get over the

515
00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:39,760
Speaker 4: body issues.

516
00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:43,639
Speaker 1: Thanks let Texi Jane says in regards the marriage sex questions,

517
00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:45,480
Speaker 1: I have an army wife with a toddler at home

518
00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:48,159
Speaker 1: with my husband in the military. He's gone frequently, so

519
00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:50,760
Speaker 1: I've learned to shut down my urges because he's gone

520
00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:52,879
Speaker 1: so much, but then I have trouble flipping the switch

521
00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:55,919
Speaker 1: back on when he's home. I've kind of conditioned myself

522
00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:58,480
Speaker 1: to never have sex. He, on the other hand, wants

523
00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:01,400
Speaker 1: it constantly when he's home, and pictures and videos when

524
00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:03,800
Speaker 1: he's not home. What do you suggest for part time

525
00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:05,840
Speaker 1: long distance marriages with kids in the house.

526
00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:11,800
Speaker 4: You know, I'm worried about the modes that she has

527
00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:15,159
Speaker 4: created to cope. And I get why she has this

528
00:26:15,359 --> 00:26:19,199
Speaker 4: on mode and an off mode in order to just

529
00:26:19,600 --> 00:26:23,119
Speaker 4: deal with his absence. But the problem with that is

530
00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:26,480
Speaker 4: not only is it hard to switch back on, but

531
00:26:27,080 --> 00:26:32,959
Speaker 4: she's cutting off the everyday experience of what it is

532
00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:36,240
Speaker 4: to be on. You know, when we're on as women,

533
00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:38,840
Speaker 4: it's not just that we have to have physical sex,

534
00:26:39,440 --> 00:26:44,280
Speaker 4: but to be moving about life, like your senses are on,

535
00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:48,399
Speaker 4: Like you're turned on by great food or a cold

536
00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:51,280
Speaker 4: glass of water, or you know, the sunshine and the

537
00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:54,360
Speaker 4: air on your body. Like there's a sensual way of

538
00:26:54,400 --> 00:26:57,640
Speaker 4: being in life that has a woman stay open to pleasure,

539
00:26:58,320 --> 00:27:02,359
Speaker 4: and she's completely shutting that off, so she's getting used

540
00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:07,840
Speaker 4: to no pleasure whatsoever. You know, there's a full realm,

541
00:27:07,920 --> 00:27:11,359
Speaker 4: like a rainbow, a continuum of pleasure, right, and some

542
00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:14,080
Speaker 4: of it is in sex with your partner, but I

543
00:27:14,119 --> 00:27:18,840
Speaker 4: would want her to cultivate being on, being sensual, even

544
00:27:18,920 --> 00:27:23,399
Speaker 4: turning herself on physically too, so that she doesn't have

545
00:27:23,520 --> 00:27:28,040
Speaker 4: cobwebs all over her when he comes home. Right, And

546
00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:30,119
Speaker 4: that's part of the pleasure of being a woman, is

547
00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:34,600
Speaker 4: just feeling fully alive, and she's not getting to experience that.

548
00:27:34,720 --> 00:27:37,040
Speaker 4: So that's why it's so hard to turn back on

549
00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:38,359
Speaker 4: when he's home.

550
00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:39,720
Speaker 6: All right.

551
00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:43,640
Speaker 1: Here's another military wife, Brittany is her name is? She'm sorry?

552
00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:45,840
Speaker 1: She's in the military. She's currently deployed in Afghanistan, and

553
00:27:45,880 --> 00:27:48,199
Speaker 1: she filed for divorce while she was a month into it.

554
00:27:48,520 --> 00:27:50,960
Speaker 1: She says, my husband has been emotionally and physically cheating

555
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:52,560
Speaker 1: on me for four years now with a girl from

556
00:27:52,560 --> 00:27:54,600
Speaker 1: his past, and it took coming on this deployment to

557
00:27:54,640 --> 00:27:57,760
Speaker 1: realize I had to leave him. We reconciled last February

558
00:27:57,800 --> 00:27:59,800
Speaker 1: and we worked hard. It felt amazing. I thought we

559
00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:01,959
Speaker 1: were good. Fast forward five months and I caught him

560
00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:04,040
Speaker 1: texting the same X and he also turned to his

561
00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:06,280
Speaker 1: heavy drinking again. I want to believe I'm doing the

562
00:28:06,359 --> 00:28:08,879
Speaker 1: right thing, but how do you know to keep fighting

563
00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:12,119
Speaker 1: for him and not quit in your situation, Jana, was

564
00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:14,200
Speaker 1: it just for your daughter? And if I chose to leave,

565
00:28:14,240 --> 00:28:15,720
Speaker 1: do you think I should talk to him or write

566
00:28:15,760 --> 00:28:16,280
Speaker 1: him a letter?

567
00:28:18,160 --> 00:28:20,920
Speaker 3: Well, I mean I kind of already spoke on Well,

568
00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:22,960
Speaker 3: first of all, thank you for your service, thank you

569
00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:27,600
Speaker 3: for fighting for our country. Yeah, like I touched on before,

570
00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:30,760
Speaker 3: I mean for me personally, I didn't want to have

571
00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:35,280
Speaker 3: any regrets at all about my decision and I didn't

572
00:28:35,280 --> 00:28:37,000
Speaker 3: want to go. God, I should have tried harder. So

573
00:28:38,120 --> 00:28:41,800
Speaker 3: I personally think you should talk to him and not

574
00:28:41,840 --> 00:28:45,080
Speaker 3: write him a letter and see if he's willing to

575
00:28:45,320 --> 00:28:47,520
Speaker 3: work on it with you. But it sounds like you've

576
00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:51,880
Speaker 3: already made your decision with filing for a divorce now.

577
00:28:51,920 --> 00:28:53,920
Speaker 3: Just because he file doesn't mean that it's over. You

578
00:28:53,960 --> 00:28:58,840
Speaker 3: could still reverse that if it hasn't been you know, finalized.

579
00:28:59,320 --> 00:29:03,760
Speaker 3: So if you I think you asking though, if you

580
00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:07,960
Speaker 3: should is to me something, then you should because if

581
00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:10,080
Speaker 3: your final then you wouldn't even.

582
00:29:09,880 --> 00:29:13,400
Speaker 2: Ask, right in the opinion, you know, my concern is

583
00:29:13,440 --> 00:29:17,440
Speaker 2: that he was cheating emotionally and physically for four years

584
00:29:17,480 --> 00:29:21,400
Speaker 2: with the same person, and then you guys are working

585
00:29:21,600 --> 00:29:24,680
Speaker 2: on your marriage and then fast forward five months and

586
00:29:24,720 --> 00:29:28,120
Speaker 2: he's back to talking with her. I don't know, I

587
00:29:28,120 --> 00:29:31,080
Speaker 2: would be worried he's in love with her.

588
00:29:31,680 --> 00:29:33,920
Speaker 3: Yeah, sure, And.

589
00:29:33,520 --> 00:29:36,000
Speaker 4: If we go back to that, there's a good reason

590
00:29:36,120 --> 00:29:40,440
Speaker 4: for everything that someone does. What it sounds like to

591
00:29:40,480 --> 00:29:46,840
Speaker 4: me is there's in the cheating, there's also the drinking,

592
00:29:47,640 --> 00:29:48,680
Speaker 4: and these are in.

593
00:29:48,720 --> 00:29:50,800
Speaker 3: Those two could go hand in hand for sure.

594
00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:54,880
Speaker 4: For sure, and addictions we can treat them like, you know,

595
00:29:55,920 --> 00:29:58,760
Speaker 4: it's a disease that we can say this person's a jerk,

596
00:29:59,240 --> 00:30:01,840
Speaker 4: or we could say, wow, there's a lot of pain

597
00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:06,000
Speaker 4: in the sky. I can only imagine her being away

598
00:30:06,840 --> 00:30:09,000
Speaker 4: or I don't know what's going on that it had

599
00:30:09,000 --> 00:30:11,640
Speaker 4: to be this one person for all this time. And

600
00:30:11,840 --> 00:30:13,920
Speaker 4: you're absolutely right, he could be in love with her,

601
00:30:13,960 --> 00:30:17,840
Speaker 4: and I'm afraid to you know, he's just afraid to

602
00:30:17,880 --> 00:30:20,720
Speaker 4: be on the up and up and be with this woman.

603
00:30:21,320 --> 00:30:25,760
Speaker 4: But I look at the pain and see if there's

604
00:30:25,800 --> 00:30:29,400
Speaker 4: an opening there to say, what's hurting you so much

605
00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:33,360
Speaker 4: that you're self distructing like this and that you're sabotaging

606
00:30:33,360 --> 00:30:37,360
Speaker 4: our relationship and can that be helped? Can he say

607
00:30:37,520 --> 00:30:41,160
Speaker 4: I want to work on this for me, because that

608
00:30:41,200 --> 00:30:45,640
Speaker 4: would say to me, there's some likelihood for success. There's

609
00:30:45,680 --> 00:30:48,520
Speaker 4: a great teaching that I learned in a lot of

610
00:30:48,600 --> 00:30:53,000
Speaker 4: my spiritual study and philosophy, and there's an ancient teaching

611
00:30:53,080 --> 00:30:56,960
Speaker 4: in the yoga tradition that says, if you're going to

612
00:30:57,040 --> 00:31:00,680
Speaker 4: endeavor to do anything, take on a challenge like this

613
00:31:01,000 --> 00:31:04,840
Speaker 4: and anyway, your likelihood for success has to be really high,

614
00:31:05,720 --> 00:31:10,480
Speaker 4: otherwise it could be your undoing. And so that would

615
00:31:10,480 --> 00:31:13,600
Speaker 4: be my concern. Is she's chasing after trying to help him,

616
00:31:13,640 --> 00:31:16,600
Speaker 4: trying to rebuild and all this. If he's not doing

617
00:31:16,640 --> 00:31:20,280
Speaker 4: it for himself, I don't think the likelihood for success

618
00:31:20,360 --> 00:31:20,720
Speaker 4: is there.

619
00:31:22,320 --> 00:31:22,720
Speaker 2: Agree.

620
00:31:22,800 --> 00:31:23,280
Speaker 3: I agree.

621
00:31:23,440 --> 00:31:24,840
Speaker 2: I could not agree more.

622
00:31:25,680 --> 00:31:28,400
Speaker 1: Yeah, Jessica says, my husband and I have been married

623
00:31:28,400 --> 00:31:30,880
Speaker 1: for three years. He's the most calm, collective, level headed

624
00:31:30,920 --> 00:31:32,520
Speaker 1: man I have ever met. I grew up in a

625
00:31:32,600 --> 00:31:35,640
Speaker 1: very crazy, dramatic household and he saved me. We got

626
00:31:35,680 --> 00:31:37,320
Speaker 1: married when I was twenty three, and I'm not twenty

627
00:31:37,320 --> 00:31:39,360
Speaker 1: five with two wonderful little boys. But I feel like

628
00:31:39,400 --> 00:31:41,880
Speaker 1: my husband and I are roommates and best friends, not

629
00:31:42,080 --> 00:31:42,960
Speaker 1: husband and wife.

630
00:31:43,080 --> 00:31:44,040
Speaker 2: We never have sex.

631
00:31:44,400 --> 00:31:46,400
Speaker 1: He hardly ever touches me, let alone telling me he

632
00:31:46,440 --> 00:31:50,120
Speaker 1: loves me without it feeling routine versus meaningful. He's so

633
00:31:50,120 --> 00:31:52,320
Speaker 1: so wonderful, don't get me wrong, but after kids, we

634
00:31:52,360 --> 00:31:55,040
Speaker 1: have lost the romance. Any advice or suggestions.

635
00:31:55,560 --> 00:31:58,120
Speaker 3: I mean, dude, I get it. And that's something that

636
00:31:58,200 --> 00:31:59,880
Speaker 3: like when I talk with Mike, I mixnims. I just

637
00:32:00,200 --> 00:32:03,200
Speaker 3: it just feels so like, okay, like yeah, we haven't

638
00:32:03,200 --> 00:32:04,560
Speaker 3: had sex and us and now we're gonna have sex,

639
00:32:04,600 --> 00:32:06,840
Speaker 3: and it's the romance has gotten out of the relationship.

640
00:32:06,840 --> 00:32:09,400
Speaker 3: And I think, you know, for a wife that has kids,

641
00:32:09,400 --> 00:32:12,800
Speaker 3: and it's just you're tired or jobs, and it's just

642
00:32:12,880 --> 00:32:15,960
Speaker 3: at the end of the day, you're just like, all right, hey, buddy,

643
00:32:16,000 --> 00:32:18,200
Speaker 3: high five. You're a roommate to me. Almost Yeah, it's

644
00:32:18,240 --> 00:32:22,160
Speaker 3: Groundhog's Day, yeah almost. To be honest with you, I'm

645
00:32:22,200 --> 00:32:24,520
Speaker 3: a single mom right now, and it's like one of

646
00:32:24,640 --> 00:32:27,760
Speaker 3: leading up to the last weeks of school. I am

647
00:32:27,880 --> 00:32:33,080
Speaker 3: so exhausted this week from Spirit Day, crazy hair Day,

648
00:32:33,320 --> 00:32:35,800
Speaker 3: animal Day, pajama day, Oh my.

649
00:32:35,760 --> 00:32:39,360
Speaker 2: God, what's tomorrow? Do we have a costume? I'm so tired.

650
00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:43,040
Speaker 2: I can hardly think today that if there was a

651
00:32:43,080 --> 00:32:45,280
Speaker 2: man in the house, I would just be like, you

652
00:32:45,360 --> 00:32:47,360
Speaker 2: need to go away for four day. It's like I

653
00:32:47,440 --> 00:32:50,600
Speaker 2: can't even what you want dinner go to McDonald's. Like,

654
00:32:51,120 --> 00:32:53,000
Speaker 2: I mean, I wouldn't be able to. I don't have

655
00:32:53,040 --> 00:32:56,560
Speaker 2: the capacity. I just don't. So it has to be

656
00:32:56,640 --> 00:32:57,360
Speaker 2: so hard.

657
00:32:57,840 --> 00:33:00,480
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm how do you? What would you Your advice

658
00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:02,720
Speaker 3: be to keep the romance and to not feel like

659
00:33:02,760 --> 00:33:04,200
Speaker 3: you guys are just roommates.

660
00:33:04,840 --> 00:33:07,800
Speaker 4: Yeah, this is a biggie because I when I decided

661
00:33:07,840 --> 00:33:11,760
Speaker 4: that I was getting divorced, I was like so devastated

662
00:33:11,760 --> 00:33:13,560
Speaker 4: because I thought, I'm going to be the girl who

663
00:33:13,640 --> 00:33:15,240
Speaker 4: keeps the romance alive forever.

664
00:33:15,600 --> 00:33:15,880
Speaker 2: You know.

665
00:33:16,200 --> 00:33:18,320
Speaker 4: I think that we should we should be able to.

666
00:33:18,400 --> 00:33:21,320
Speaker 4: And there's some social hypnosis that tells us, oh, the

667
00:33:21,400 --> 00:33:23,720
Speaker 4: romance always does like get with the program, and I

668
00:33:23,720 --> 00:33:26,680
Speaker 4: don't believe that. So there's a lot of a lot

669
00:33:26,720 --> 00:33:29,200
Speaker 4: of thinking on this. There's there's some thinking that if

670
00:33:29,200 --> 00:33:32,400
Speaker 4: you were focused on what you were focused on in

671
00:33:32,440 --> 00:33:34,920
Speaker 4: the beginning of the relationship, there would never be an end.

672
00:33:35,760 --> 00:33:38,480
Speaker 4: And the focus definitely changes when we have kids.

673
00:33:38,560 --> 00:33:40,800
Speaker 3: Right, It's almost like when you said, remember I promise

674
00:33:40,880 --> 00:33:45,360
Speaker 3: to never know you. Yeah, it's to always be curious,

675
00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:48,880
Speaker 3: be curious and just want to, yeah, discover and also

676
00:33:48,960 --> 00:33:52,720
Speaker 3: want to be flirty, which is hard when you are

677
00:33:52,760 --> 00:33:54,280
Speaker 3: just like I just I have to go I have

678
00:33:54,320 --> 00:33:56,320
Speaker 3: to drop this person this time, and then go here

679
00:33:56,360 --> 00:33:58,080
Speaker 3: and then like hi, okay, by, I love you By,

680
00:33:58,160 --> 00:34:00,160
Speaker 3: Like you're more excited to like say how to the kids.

681
00:34:00,160 --> 00:34:01,200
Speaker 3: Then you're at your husband.

682
00:34:01,640 --> 00:34:04,600
Speaker 4: Right because your focus is shifted to getting all the

683
00:34:04,640 --> 00:34:06,719
Speaker 4: stuff done and the kids.

684
00:34:06,840 --> 00:34:07,040
Speaker 6: Yes.

685
00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:09,560
Speaker 4: And I think our culture also tells us that kids

686
00:34:09,680 --> 00:34:12,120
Speaker 4: come first, that the kids are always the priority, but

687
00:34:12,239 --> 00:34:16,280
Speaker 4: I completely disagree with that. I think that the parents,

688
00:34:16,400 --> 00:34:19,400
Speaker 4: the couple comes first because you guys are like the

689
00:34:19,520 --> 00:34:23,160
Speaker 4: generator for the whole household. And in an ideal situation,

690
00:34:23,640 --> 00:34:25,680
Speaker 4: or actually, I mean what I would call a level

691
00:34:25,719 --> 00:34:28,960
Speaker 4: three relationship. They're at a level two right now, and

692
00:34:29,000 --> 00:34:32,000
Speaker 4: I'll break that down, but at a level three relationship,

693
00:34:32,600 --> 00:34:34,960
Speaker 4: the sex and the intimacy and the love and the

694
00:34:35,040 --> 00:34:38,000
Speaker 4: kissing and all the stuff that is the romance. It

695
00:34:38,040 --> 00:34:42,040
Speaker 4: puts the energy in us. It doesn't take away. We're

696
00:34:42,080 --> 00:34:44,680
Speaker 4: so tired. We think of it as a chore because

697
00:34:44,680 --> 00:34:46,480
Speaker 4: we've got to get out of that mom mode and

698
00:34:46,520 --> 00:34:50,160
Speaker 4: move back into like dating, you know, woman sexy mode,

699
00:34:50,480 --> 00:34:53,120
Speaker 4: and it's hard, but once you're over there. If we

700
00:34:53,200 --> 00:34:55,520
Speaker 4: all remember when we first fell in love. When we

701
00:34:55,520 --> 00:34:58,239
Speaker 4: were dating in the beginning, like you almost didn't even

702
00:34:58,239 --> 00:35:02,879
Speaker 4: need to sleep or eat, you had just so much energy, right, yeah,

703
00:35:02,880 --> 00:35:05,720
Speaker 4: because that the love is putting energy in the tank

704
00:35:05,840 --> 00:35:08,399
Speaker 4: for you, and we have to remember that that it's

705
00:35:08,440 --> 00:35:12,320
Speaker 4: a joy to receive that pleasure, and that his attention

706
00:35:12,480 --> 00:35:17,040
Speaker 4: on you is actually like food and water, and that

707
00:35:17,120 --> 00:35:21,000
Speaker 4: it could actually give you energy to go about all

708
00:35:21,040 --> 00:35:23,000
Speaker 4: those to dos in a much easier way.

709
00:35:23,120 --> 00:35:24,719
Speaker 3: But how do you, like, what's the one thing that

710
00:35:24,760 --> 00:35:28,200
Speaker 3: could just Because to me again, it's like, what's one

711
00:35:28,239 --> 00:35:31,600
Speaker 3: thing you could do? Should just jumpstart this?

712
00:35:32,560 --> 00:35:35,160
Speaker 4: Okay, Well, it's a good word that you just use.

713
00:35:35,239 --> 00:35:37,839
Speaker 4: There is a jump start list that I tell people

714
00:35:37,880 --> 00:35:40,440
Speaker 4: to make, Like, tell me, as your partner, what is

715
00:35:40,480 --> 00:35:43,719
Speaker 4: the zero to sixty move that like, I can do this,

716
00:35:43,920 --> 00:35:47,160
Speaker 4: say this and it will take you out over the top.

717
00:35:47,239 --> 00:35:49,759
Speaker 4: It will help you get out of that off mode instantly.

718
00:35:50,400 --> 00:35:54,040
Speaker 4: Everybody has jump starts, right, So you have to think

719
00:35:54,080 --> 00:35:56,960
Speaker 4: about what could he say? What could he do? What

720
00:35:57,080 --> 00:35:59,800
Speaker 4: is it that you need in order to shift gears?

721
00:36:00,640 --> 00:36:05,760
Speaker 4: But I guess I'd say even before that, the idea

722
00:36:05,880 --> 00:36:08,960
Speaker 4: of putting the couple first and saying I want to

723
00:36:08,960 --> 00:36:12,240
Speaker 4: have a level three relationship, which means I want that romance,

724
00:36:12,280 --> 00:36:14,840
Speaker 4: I want that love, I want the epic love affair.

725
00:36:15,680 --> 00:36:20,560
Speaker 4: That has to be a commitment from both people that

726
00:36:20,560 --> 00:36:24,080
Speaker 4: that's where your focus is going to be, because otherwise

727
00:36:24,480 --> 00:36:26,680
Speaker 4: it's too easy to be all about the day to

728
00:36:26,719 --> 00:36:29,759
Speaker 4: day and the kids. So I'll quick tell you what

729
00:36:29,880 --> 00:36:34,000
Speaker 4: the relationship levels are, and then you got to decide

730
00:36:34,120 --> 00:36:36,960
Speaker 4: where you want to be and then design that. So

731
00:36:37,160 --> 00:36:41,319
Speaker 4: a level one relationship is super selfish. It's like, I'm

732
00:36:41,360 --> 00:36:44,720
Speaker 4: all about me, you take care of yourself. A level

733
00:36:44,719 --> 00:36:50,759
Speaker 4: two relationship is the roommate relationship. It's the we're business partners. Well,

734
00:36:50,840 --> 00:36:53,120
Speaker 4: i'll do this, do you do that? Divide and conquer,

735
00:36:53,200 --> 00:36:57,520
Speaker 4: We barter for things, and it's not at all fulfilling.

736
00:36:57,880 --> 00:36:59,960
Speaker 4: I think that's why we have this epidemic of divorce,

737
00:37:00,320 --> 00:37:03,520
Speaker 4: because why the end that when you kind of.

738
00:37:03,520 --> 00:37:05,959
Speaker 3: You fall out of love in that and I feel

739
00:37:05,960 --> 00:37:08,160
Speaker 3: like phase two, Yeah.

740
00:37:08,000 --> 00:37:11,080
Speaker 4: That's an old school relationship that was all about surviving

741
00:37:11,640 --> 00:37:13,560
Speaker 4: back in the day. That's not what we want from

742
00:37:13,560 --> 00:37:16,640
Speaker 4: our relationships anymore. At their Parrell talks about this a

743
00:37:16,640 --> 00:37:19,160
Speaker 4: lot in her book called The State of Affairs. She

744
00:37:19,239 --> 00:37:23,000
Speaker 4: talks a lot about why all the cheating right now,

745
00:37:23,440 --> 00:37:27,840
Speaker 4: and it's the level two relationship is over. We're asking

746
00:37:27,960 --> 00:37:30,640
Speaker 4: way more of our relationships now than we ever were before.

747
00:37:31,200 --> 00:37:34,840
Speaker 4: So Level three is I make it my job to

748
00:37:34,920 --> 00:37:37,960
Speaker 4: give to you, to meet all your needs. I am

749
00:37:38,040 --> 00:37:41,879
Speaker 4: here to just love the hell out of you. And

750
00:37:42,080 --> 00:37:44,400
Speaker 4: that person then says I'm going to do that for

751
00:37:44,480 --> 00:37:48,759
Speaker 4: you too, and you have this epic give best like

752
00:37:48,840 --> 00:37:50,360
Speaker 4: everybody's trying to outgive each.

753
00:37:50,239 --> 00:37:53,080
Speaker 3: Other and when I do, mom, though, you're like gived out.

754
00:37:54,000 --> 00:37:57,319
Speaker 4: Yes, which is true, but that if you've got this container,

755
00:37:58,120 --> 00:38:00,719
Speaker 4: then he is giving to you in a way like

756
00:38:00,840 --> 00:38:03,160
Speaker 4: trying to love on you right, wanting to give to

757
00:38:03,239 --> 00:38:06,120
Speaker 4: you in a way that you get to receive so

758
00:38:06,239 --> 00:38:09,120
Speaker 4: you have energy and love to give back. And it

759
00:38:09,160 --> 00:38:11,319
Speaker 4: doesn't have to mean that we're staying up all night

760
00:38:11,320 --> 00:38:14,200
Speaker 4: and having sex. It's one of the simple gives, like

761
00:38:14,400 --> 00:38:16,520
Speaker 4: I appreciate you. I don't know how you do what

762
00:38:16,600 --> 00:38:19,000
Speaker 4: you do all day. I had that as one of

763
00:38:19,000 --> 00:38:20,640
Speaker 4: the things on my list that was a jump start

764
00:38:20,680 --> 00:38:22,799
Speaker 4: with my husband, that he would just come home and

765
00:38:22,840 --> 00:38:24,440
Speaker 4: be like, I don't know how you do it all

766
00:38:24,520 --> 00:38:27,600
Speaker 4: day and I'm like, yeah, tell me more, you know,

767
00:38:28,920 --> 00:38:32,200
Speaker 4: really easy gives, like I'm just going to come and

768
00:38:32,280 --> 00:38:34,680
Speaker 4: drop a glass of water by you when you know

769
00:38:34,760 --> 00:38:35,359
Speaker 4: you're doing the.

770
00:38:35,320 --> 00:38:38,440
Speaker 2: Dishes, Are we going to pick the kids up? Or yeah,

771
00:38:38,480 --> 00:38:40,600
Speaker 2: you know it's just such a small give.

772
00:38:41,040 --> 00:38:43,600
Speaker 3: Yeah, So Jessica, give a small give and see if

773
00:38:43,640 --> 00:38:44,400
Speaker 3: he gives back.

774
00:38:45,440 --> 00:38:48,200
Speaker 4: Yeah, it only takes one person to say, look for

775
00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:50,800
Speaker 4: the next ninety days I'm going to give like crazy

776
00:38:50,840 --> 00:38:53,799
Speaker 4: to this guy and see what happens. Because it's a

777
00:38:53,920 --> 00:38:57,239
Speaker 4: natural instinct when you love someone to want to like

778
00:38:57,560 --> 00:39:00,680
Speaker 4: show gratitude and give back and maybe started a really

779
00:39:00,719 --> 00:39:01,600
Speaker 4: good thing exactly.

780
00:39:01,640 --> 00:39:04,879
Speaker 3: And maybe you know, if your husband is the more

781
00:39:06,080 --> 00:39:09,279
Speaker 3: he wants more affection and you're more closed off as

782
00:39:09,280 --> 00:39:12,640
Speaker 3: a woman, maybe one day a week go and hold

783
00:39:12,680 --> 00:39:14,480
Speaker 3: his hand because you know how much that would mean

784
00:39:14,520 --> 00:39:18,000
Speaker 3: to him. Yeah, start small, then build.

785
00:39:17,840 --> 00:39:21,239
Speaker 4: Up exactly exactly. And if you don't know, because this

786
00:39:21,360 --> 00:39:24,600
Speaker 4: is all new and it's hard to decipher, I, you know,

787
00:39:24,640 --> 00:39:26,319
Speaker 4: do this with my man all the time. I just

788
00:39:26,640 --> 00:39:28,840
Speaker 4: walk up to him at random during the day and

789
00:39:28,880 --> 00:39:30,440
Speaker 4: I give him a big kiss and say, is there

790
00:39:30,440 --> 00:39:33,080
Speaker 4: anything you need? Are you doing anything I can do?

791
00:39:33,920 --> 00:39:36,279
Speaker 4: It goes so far. Usually he's like no, but He's

792
00:39:36,320 --> 00:39:39,200
Speaker 4: totally melted because I asked, right, that's.

793
00:39:39,080 --> 00:39:40,160
Speaker 3: Really sweet, it is.

794
00:39:40,320 --> 00:39:42,440
Speaker 1: Let's do one more here. This is Haley, She says.

795
00:39:42,480 --> 00:39:44,200
Speaker 1: I'm nineteen and my boyfriend and I have been together

796
00:39:44,239 --> 00:39:45,719
Speaker 1: for over a year and a half. We've made the

797
00:39:45,719 --> 00:39:48,200
Speaker 1: decision before we were even dating to wait until marriage

798
00:39:48,200 --> 00:39:50,120
Speaker 1: to have sex. It's a personal conviction that both of

799
00:39:50,160 --> 00:39:52,440
Speaker 1: us have and I have chosen to follow. We're intimate in

800
00:39:52,480 --> 00:39:56,440
Speaker 1: other ways that don't involve sex. We're also very affectionate. Regardless,

801
00:39:56,480 --> 00:39:58,319
Speaker 1: we hit a rough patch the last couple of months,

802
00:39:58,360 --> 00:40:00,359
Speaker 1: and the affection that he used to show me easy off.

803
00:40:00,360 --> 00:40:01,680
Speaker 1: I know it has to do with the anger and

804
00:40:01,719 --> 00:40:03,960
Speaker 1: resentment we were feeling during our rough patch. It has

805
00:40:04,000 --> 00:40:08,600
Speaker 1: been resolved. What's your advice for keeping a relationship romantic, affectionate, fresh,

806
00:40:08,640 --> 00:40:10,520
Speaker 1: and fun when sex is not an option?

807
00:40:13,280 --> 00:40:15,640
Speaker 3: I mean, I feel like, but I feel like it

808
00:40:15,640 --> 00:40:18,560
Speaker 3: could also be from what we just talked about. Doing

809
00:40:18,840 --> 00:40:23,200
Speaker 3: gives little gives here and there and surprises, you know,

810
00:40:23,719 --> 00:40:25,719
Speaker 3: Like my husband said to me when time he's like

811
00:40:26,960 --> 00:40:29,319
Speaker 3: when you came and gave me a hug behind me,

812
00:40:29,680 --> 00:40:31,239
Speaker 3: Like when I was doing the dishes and just said

813
00:40:31,280 --> 00:40:33,279
Speaker 3: I love you. He's like that went so far from me,

814
00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:37,120
Speaker 3: like just little things that you know would make your

815
00:40:37,239 --> 00:40:41,719
Speaker 3: spouse or boyfriend happy. But I mean when sex isn't

816
00:40:41,960 --> 00:40:44,560
Speaker 3: one of the tools, so that could be something just

817
00:40:44,600 --> 00:40:45,680
Speaker 3: showing like affection.

818
00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:51,440
Speaker 2: Affection. I always think that men always find it so

819
00:40:51,719 --> 00:40:55,600
Speaker 2: comforting to hear how grateful you are for them, even

820
00:40:55,680 --> 00:40:58,879
Speaker 2: though and we don't say it enough. We never say,

821
00:40:58,960 --> 00:41:01,399
Speaker 2: oh my god, I'm just so grateful you are in

822
00:41:01,400 --> 00:41:05,600
Speaker 2: my life because you know, I have so much fun

823
00:41:05,640 --> 00:41:09,440
Speaker 2: with you. List the reasons that.

824
00:41:10,719 --> 00:41:12,400
Speaker 3: You're abstaining from sex.

825
00:41:12,719 --> 00:41:13,200
Speaker 2: It is.

826
00:41:13,640 --> 00:41:15,640
Speaker 3: Although I always say you need to test drive though,

827
00:41:15,640 --> 00:41:19,279
Speaker 3: because sometimes that's just personally for me, because I mean,

828
00:41:20,080 --> 00:41:22,360
Speaker 3: if I waited till I was married and some of

829
00:41:22,400 --> 00:41:23,799
Speaker 3: the had sex with some of the people that I've

830
00:41:23,800 --> 00:41:27,120
Speaker 3: had sex with before that were terrible, I'd be like, oh, boy, right,

831
00:41:27,320 --> 00:41:30,200
Speaker 3: how do you do that? Sex is like a real

832
00:41:30,280 --> 00:41:34,000
Speaker 3: bad right, and they're young. I'm not I'm not promoting

833
00:41:34,040 --> 00:41:36,319
Speaker 3: for y'all to have sex. Yes, you're right, I know

834
00:41:36,320 --> 00:41:39,000
Speaker 3: you're nineteen. It's you know, Yes, if you want to

835
00:41:39,000 --> 00:41:42,360
Speaker 3: wait till that's fantastic. But I mean maybe Jessica Simpson

836
00:41:42,440 --> 00:41:44,399
Speaker 3: nick Lache had a bad sex life maybe that's why

837
00:41:44,440 --> 00:41:46,640
Speaker 3: they broke up.

838
00:41:47,920 --> 00:41:49,960
Speaker 4: I'll tell you there's always a way though. Even when

839
00:41:50,000 --> 00:41:53,360
Speaker 4: sex isn't so great, it usually has the reason behind

840
00:41:53,360 --> 00:41:56,239
Speaker 4: it that the two people aren't fully open to each other.

841
00:41:56,400 --> 00:41:59,600
Speaker 4: Sure it would be a skill gap. It could be

842
00:42:00,400 --> 00:42:10,160
Speaker 4: all drivaring, clearing like old beliefs about sex so that

843
00:42:10,360 --> 00:42:12,759
Speaker 4: someone can express more freely. There's a lot that can

844
00:42:12,800 --> 00:42:14,800
Speaker 4: be done there, and they are great teachers out there,

845
00:42:14,880 --> 00:42:17,920
Speaker 4: so that's one thing. But I feel like what's great

846
00:42:18,080 --> 00:42:20,480
Speaker 4: about this couple is that they get the chance to

847
00:42:20,560 --> 00:42:24,479
Speaker 4: explore like the full spectrum of intimacy in a way

848
00:42:24,480 --> 00:42:28,200
Speaker 4: that most people won't. They'll just default to the routine

849
00:42:28,320 --> 00:42:31,960
Speaker 4: of doing sex the same way their whole life. And

850
00:42:32,000 --> 00:42:36,400
Speaker 4: then there's all this other intimacy that keeps the fires blazing.

851
00:42:37,120 --> 00:42:39,839
Speaker 4: So I think you guys are exactly right with the affections.

852
00:42:40,400 --> 00:42:45,160
Speaker 4: Men crave respect. I think respect and like telling him

853
00:42:45,160 --> 00:42:48,040
Speaker 4: how much you respect him, being interested in what he's

854
00:42:48,160 --> 00:42:53,759
Speaker 4: up to, appreciations for sure, curiosity, support, How can you

855
00:42:53,840 --> 00:42:56,560
Speaker 4: just get behind him in all the things that he's

856
00:42:56,600 --> 00:43:00,640
Speaker 4: doing and that he values. I think creating fun. There's

857
00:43:00,719 --> 00:43:04,520
Speaker 4: all kinds of like sensual and the super interesting and

858
00:43:04,680 --> 00:43:08,600
Speaker 4: new like variety that you can bring to each other.

859
00:43:08,719 --> 00:43:10,920
Speaker 4: And it's all in this container of I just want

860
00:43:10,960 --> 00:43:12,879
Speaker 4: to give to you all the things that you might

861
00:43:12,960 --> 00:43:16,879
Speaker 4: need as a human being, and that just creates, I think,

862
00:43:17,160 --> 00:43:19,120
Speaker 4: a relationship that no one would ever leave.

863
00:43:19,600 --> 00:43:22,840
Speaker 3: Amen's sister. Thank you so much. I love you. I

864
00:43:22,880 --> 00:43:26,759
Speaker 3: can't thank you for helping people and helping us and

865
00:43:26,840 --> 00:43:29,160
Speaker 3: answering questions. And we're going to have you on here

866
00:43:29,440 --> 00:43:32,200
Speaker 3: in person when you are close to the LA area.

867
00:43:32,880 --> 00:43:35,200
Speaker 4: Yes, you know what, we just got a house in

868
00:43:35,239 --> 00:43:37,160
Speaker 4: Malibu and I'm going to be down there a lot

869
00:43:37,920 --> 00:43:38,480
Speaker 4: me too, then.

870
00:43:39,280 --> 00:43:43,960
Speaker 3: Okay, okay, yeah, all right, thanks girl, I appreciate it. Okay,

871
00:43:44,000 --> 00:43:45,839
Speaker 3: So I want to tell you Jen, have you ever

872
00:43:45,840 --> 00:43:47,120
Speaker 3: slept on brook Lennon's before?

873
00:43:48,160 --> 00:43:48,720
Speaker 2: I haven't.

874
00:43:48,840 --> 00:43:49,160
Speaker 3: Okay.

875
00:43:49,520 --> 00:43:55,040
Speaker 2: I do change my sheets every single day. What I know.

876
00:43:55,080 --> 00:43:59,160
Speaker 2: It's my weirdest thing about It's the weirdest thing about me.

877
00:43:59,440 --> 00:44:01,200
Speaker 3: That sounds like so much work.

878
00:44:01,680 --> 00:44:03,359
Speaker 2: It's so worth it, it is.

879
00:44:03,360 --> 00:44:05,799
Speaker 3: To wash your sheets every single day.

880
00:44:05,840 --> 00:44:09,279
Speaker 2: Well, I have enough ah that, I you know, I

881
00:44:09,400 --> 00:44:12,000
Speaker 2: just keep buying that hate making my bed, Oh it's

882
00:44:12,000 --> 00:44:15,960
Speaker 2: my favorite thing. I there is nothing nothing in this

883
00:44:16,040 --> 00:44:21,600
Speaker 2: world like climbing into a bed with super crisp clean sheets.

884
00:44:21,680 --> 00:44:23,680
Speaker 3: I mean, I get it every two weeks. I'm so happy,

885
00:44:23,840 --> 00:44:27,160
Speaker 3: but like every day, oh my gosh, that's exhausting. Well

886
00:44:27,400 --> 00:44:30,239
Speaker 3: I'll just say this. I mean, you spend a third

887
00:44:30,239 --> 00:44:32,680
Speaker 3: of your life in your sheets, exactly. And that's why

888
00:44:32,680 --> 00:44:35,480
Speaker 3: I always like promote people to like it's like, dude,

889
00:44:35,719 --> 00:44:38,880
Speaker 3: get a good mattress, you know so, but also like

890
00:44:38,920 --> 00:44:41,080
Speaker 3: your sheets. I mean they they make a difference in

891
00:44:41,120 --> 00:44:44,759
Speaker 3: how you sleep. So for me, that's why I was

892
00:44:44,760 --> 00:44:49,640
Speaker 3: super excited about Brooklynnen's because I just discovered them Brooklynen

893
00:44:49,719 --> 00:44:53,640
Speaker 3: dot com. They're fantastic. They're the most comfortable sheets ever.

894
00:44:54,320 --> 00:44:59,120
Speaker 3: They're they're they're affordable, and it's just so nice because

895
00:44:59,160 --> 00:45:01,120
Speaker 3: every morning it's I don't even want to get out

896
00:45:01,120 --> 00:45:03,400
Speaker 3: of bed because I was just like, oh, so comfortable,

897
00:45:03,440 --> 00:45:06,080
Speaker 3: but I feel so rested and this sleep's really great.

898
00:45:07,400 --> 00:45:10,840
Speaker 3: They're seriously the best, They're most comfortable. Brooklynen dot com

899
00:45:10,880 --> 00:45:14,520
Speaker 3: has an exclusive offer just for my listeners. You get

900
00:45:14,560 --> 00:45:17,960
Speaker 3: twenty dollars off and free shipping when you use promo

901
00:45:17,960 --> 00:45:21,680
Speaker 3: code Jana at Brooklynen dot com. I mean, seriously, Brooklynen

902
00:45:21,760 --> 00:45:24,880
Speaker 3: is so confident that they offer a risk free sixty

903
00:45:24,960 --> 00:45:28,480
Speaker 3: night satisfaction guarantee and a lifetime warranty on all of

904
00:45:28,520 --> 00:45:29,719
Speaker 3: their sheets and comforters.

905
00:45:29,840 --> 00:45:29,960
Speaker 6: Oh.

906
00:45:29,960 --> 00:45:32,080
Speaker 3: I love the comforter too. It's so cozy. I'm a

907
00:45:32,080 --> 00:45:34,200
Speaker 3: big comforter girl. Okay, So the only way to get

908
00:45:34,200 --> 00:45:36,840
Speaker 3: twenty dollars off and free shipping is to use promo

909
00:45:36,880 --> 00:45:40,680
Speaker 3: code Jana at brooklynen dot com. That's brook Lynen b

910
00:45:40,840 --> 00:45:44,200
Speaker 3: our Oh okay, l I N E N dot com

911
00:45:44,200 --> 00:45:47,239
Speaker 3: promo code Jana. They're the best sheets. You're welcome. We

912
00:45:47,600 --> 00:45:51,359
Speaker 3: definitely needed someone more medical for this next question, so

913
00:45:51,560 --> 00:45:53,680
Speaker 3: we have on the phone doctor Suzanne.

914
00:45:55,280 --> 00:45:55,480
Speaker 6: Hi.

915
00:45:55,880 --> 00:45:56,560
Speaker 3: Hi, how are you?

916
00:45:57,520 --> 00:45:58,560
Speaker 6: I'm great? How are you?

917
00:45:59,000 --> 00:46:03,720
Speaker 3: We're good. We're just sitting here answering some emails about sex,

918
00:46:04,080 --> 00:46:10,799
Speaker 3: and this one I can't help with. I think I

919
00:46:10,800 --> 00:46:12,880
Speaker 3: think it's more of a medical question. So I'm going

920
00:46:12,960 --> 00:46:16,200
Speaker 3: to have mister Mark here read this email and I'm

921
00:46:16,200 --> 00:46:17,520
Speaker 3: going to let you take it away.

922
00:46:17,719 --> 00:46:20,600
Speaker 1: Thank you very much. This is from Lena and Lina

923
00:46:20,640 --> 00:46:22,759
Speaker 1: says I've got in a relationship for eleven months. We

924
00:46:22,880 --> 00:46:25,600
Speaker 1: now live together. My issue is I'm at my sexual

925
00:46:25,640 --> 00:46:27,239
Speaker 1: peak and he's quite a bit older than I am

926
00:46:27,280 --> 00:46:30,120
Speaker 1: and doesn't function he refused to get help for it

927
00:46:30,239 --> 00:46:32,800
Speaker 1: due to multiple reasons. But in the meantime, I'm suffering.

928
00:46:33,080 --> 00:46:35,200
Speaker 1: I've considered finding a partner for that, but I know

929
00:46:35,200 --> 00:46:37,239
Speaker 1: i'd feel guilty if I did. I don't want to

930
00:46:37,320 --> 00:46:39,560
Speaker 1: leave him just because of that, and there isn't any

931
00:46:39,560 --> 00:46:41,880
Speaker 1: other reason to leave him. That's what she says.

932
00:46:43,760 --> 00:46:49,400
Speaker 6: Wow, that sounds like a major relationship issue. I mean medically,

933
00:46:49,840 --> 00:46:52,960
Speaker 6: you know, here's the thing. If he's having medical issues

934
00:46:53,080 --> 00:47:00,239
Speaker 6: and he's refusing to address them, there's you know, and

935
00:47:00,320 --> 00:47:02,400
Speaker 6: hog tying him and putting him in the trunk of

936
00:47:02,400 --> 00:47:05,040
Speaker 6: the car and swepping him to the urologist or a

937
00:47:05,120 --> 00:47:09,320
Speaker 6: sex therapist. This is actually a communication issue, you know

938
00:47:09,360 --> 00:47:12,200
Speaker 6: what I mean, It's not There may be a medical

939
00:47:12,239 --> 00:47:15,040
Speaker 6: issue here for sure, but if she's not willing to

940
00:47:15,040 --> 00:47:17,879
Speaker 6: address the medical issue, there's a deeper issue in terms

941
00:47:17,920 --> 00:47:19,279
Speaker 6: of how they're relating to each other.

942
00:47:19,440 --> 00:47:21,640
Speaker 3: What means what would be the medical issue that would

943
00:47:21,640 --> 00:47:24,000
Speaker 3: be going on for someone that is suffering from that.

944
00:47:25,120 --> 00:47:27,759
Speaker 6: Well, so she's not really stating it sounds like what

945
00:47:27,840 --> 00:47:32,640
Speaker 6: she's euphemistically referring to as a rectile ys function, And

946
00:47:33,680 --> 00:47:37,040
Speaker 6: that's actually that is actually a real medical issue because

947
00:47:38,200 --> 00:47:41,560
Speaker 6: First of all, there are treatments for it, as unfortunately

948
00:47:41,560 --> 00:47:46,480
Speaker 6: we are all aware because we've seen all those ridiculous commercials.

949
00:47:46,920 --> 00:47:49,680
Speaker 3: But and it's common, right, I mean, it's fairly common

950
00:47:49,719 --> 00:47:53,360
Speaker 3: for men, pretty common in women, I guess, right.

951
00:47:53,520 --> 00:47:56,279
Speaker 6: I will say that one of the things that I

952
00:47:56,320 --> 00:48:00,279
Speaker 6: think people don't necessarily appreciate is that for men then

953
00:48:00,600 --> 00:48:04,080
Speaker 6: it can be a harbinger of other medical issues for them,

954
00:48:04,600 --> 00:48:10,920
Speaker 6: specifically heart disease, cardiovascular disease, because what vessels in the

955
00:48:10,960 --> 00:48:15,840
Speaker 6: penis are smaller and more sensitive. And so you know, somebody,

956
00:48:16,000 --> 00:48:17,759
Speaker 6: I'm guessing if this is a guy who doesn't want

957
00:48:17,800 --> 00:48:19,959
Speaker 6: to talk about stuff, just maybe a guy who also

958
00:48:20,000 --> 00:48:21,719
Speaker 6: doesn't go to the doctor, which is kind of just

959
00:48:22,000 --> 00:48:24,320
Speaker 6: a guy like I don't like to go to the doctor.

960
00:48:24,440 --> 00:48:26,480
Speaker 3: Well, I think I think for that kind of issue too,

961
00:48:26,600 --> 00:48:29,759
Speaker 3: to be like, hey, I you know my BRD or

962
00:48:29,800 --> 00:48:33,600
Speaker 3: you know, I can't like that, and it's people.

963
00:48:33,400 --> 00:48:35,680
Speaker 6: Are ashamed, but you know the positions this is like

964
00:48:35,800 --> 00:48:38,560
Speaker 6: what this is what physicians are trained to deal with.

965
00:48:39,000 --> 00:48:41,879
Speaker 6: But maybe if this person understood also that this might

966
00:48:42,040 --> 00:48:44,560
Speaker 6: be there might be an underlying medical issue that needs

967
00:48:44,560 --> 00:48:47,480
Speaker 6: to be addressed here, and that this is an opportunity

968
00:48:48,000 --> 00:48:53,480
Speaker 6: for him to regain health and then I mean, there's

969
00:48:53,520 --> 00:48:56,319
Speaker 6: this is this is a big issue in a relationship,

970
00:48:56,760 --> 00:48:59,360
Speaker 6: and not just because of the sexual components, but because

971
00:48:59,480 --> 00:49:01,960
Speaker 6: you've got to be to talk about stuff that's uncomfortable.

972
00:49:02,080 --> 00:49:04,200
Speaker 3: I mean, yead do Yeah, I mean it definitely sounds

973
00:49:04,239 --> 00:49:07,200
Speaker 3: like their communication needs to get a little bit more

974
00:49:07,239 --> 00:49:10,719
Speaker 3: on par. But I think also you know something to

975
00:49:10,760 --> 00:49:13,520
Speaker 3: look into too. I think you know this isn't again

976
00:49:13,560 --> 00:49:16,040
Speaker 3: a medical question and a medical question for you, Suzanne,

977
00:49:16,040 --> 00:49:19,760
Speaker 3: but is you know sometimes some of the side effects

978
00:49:19,800 --> 00:49:25,600
Speaker 3: on these depressants in anxiety medicines is lack of total yes.

979
00:49:26,760 --> 00:49:29,600
Speaker 6: Yeah, And I know nothing about this guy's medical history.

980
00:49:29,640 --> 00:49:32,000
Speaker 6: I don't he's older, I don't know how old. You know,

981
00:49:32,040 --> 00:49:33,920
Speaker 6: I don't know what else is going on here.

982
00:49:34,360 --> 00:49:40,360
Speaker 2: So the part of antidepressants anxiety medications.

983
00:49:40,160 --> 00:49:42,200
Speaker 3: Just say, for me, like when I was on Zoloft

984
00:49:42,400 --> 00:49:45,319
Speaker 3: for three years, I could not have an orgasm at all.

985
00:49:45,400 --> 00:49:48,560
Speaker 6: Yeah, and you know, you understand, I'm a gonocologist, so

986
00:49:48,760 --> 00:49:51,840
Speaker 6: I don't have all the boy part. You know, I

987
00:49:51,840 --> 00:49:53,920
Speaker 6: don't know about all that stuff, but I know for

988
00:49:54,000 --> 00:49:56,920
Speaker 6: women for sure that that's a big thing. Also, lots

989
00:49:56,920 --> 00:49:59,680
Speaker 6: of libido is a big thing, and lots of libido

990
00:49:59,719 --> 00:50:03,400
Speaker 6: cann her for men and women on antidepressants and anti

991
00:50:03,400 --> 00:50:07,440
Speaker 6: anxiety mens. But of course mood disorders also will diminish

992
00:50:07,560 --> 00:50:11,000
Speaker 6: bbido for a lot of people. So it's a complicated issue.

993
00:50:11,080 --> 00:50:13,520
Speaker 6: But the thing that's really important for people to understand

994
00:50:13,560 --> 00:50:17,040
Speaker 6: is that it's absolutely workable and doable if you're willing

995
00:50:17,160 --> 00:50:20,120
Speaker 6: to come forward, kind of get rid of that shame,

996
00:50:20,360 --> 00:50:23,000
Speaker 6: partner with with care providers that are going to be

997
00:50:23,120 --> 00:50:26,359
Speaker 6: caring and understanding and knowledgeable. There's no reason this can't

998
00:50:26,400 --> 00:50:29,080
Speaker 6: be addressed. So there are so many other things here

999
00:50:29,280 --> 00:50:32,279
Speaker 6: that I just don't know enough about this person to write.

1000
00:50:32,400 --> 00:50:34,759
Speaker 3: And at this point, like I'm speaking kind of more

1001
00:50:35,040 --> 00:50:38,480
Speaker 3: just not about a yeah in general, just about like

1002
00:50:38,880 --> 00:50:41,319
Speaker 3: if anyone else is having these issues, like you know,

1003
00:50:41,600 --> 00:50:44,920
Speaker 3: be open minded to going to talk to medical professional

1004
00:50:45,000 --> 00:50:48,680
Speaker 3: because there are there can be actual reasons why something

1005
00:50:48,760 --> 00:50:52,160
Speaker 3: isn't why why it's not working for either the woman

1006
00:50:52,320 --> 00:50:56,160
Speaker 3: or the man, and it could be because make.

1007
00:50:55,239 --> 00:50:58,480
Speaker 6: Me say this, this is actually very important because you know,

1008
00:50:58,840 --> 00:51:03,040
Speaker 6: people don't come by it is shame for no reason.

1009
00:51:03,200 --> 00:51:06,719
Speaker 6: And the reality is that a lot of my colleagues

1010
00:51:06,760 --> 00:51:09,520
Speaker 6: are not very well trained in sexual medicine, and it

1011
00:51:09,600 --> 00:51:12,759
Speaker 6: is an area that is sorely missing in our educations.

1012
00:51:13,040 --> 00:51:15,919
Speaker 6: I happen to be trained in sexual medicine, and not

1013
00:51:15,960 --> 00:51:18,200
Speaker 6: just because I'm a gynocologist, because most of the stuff

1014
00:51:18,239 --> 00:51:21,960
Speaker 6: I did after my training and my board certification, but

1015
00:51:22,000 --> 00:51:26,439
Speaker 6: there are organizations devoted to specifically sexual health for men

1016
00:51:26,520 --> 00:51:30,400
Speaker 6: and women, and so, you know, people need to understand

1017
00:51:30,440 --> 00:51:33,600
Speaker 6: that if they're getting dismissed or feeling ashamed in their

1018
00:51:33,640 --> 00:51:37,400
Speaker 6: interactions with their doctors or nurses or whatever, there are

1019
00:51:37,480 --> 00:51:40,440
Speaker 6: other docs out there that do know how to treat this,

1020
00:51:40,520 --> 00:51:42,560
Speaker 6: and there are a lot of resources online. There's also

1021
00:51:43,080 --> 00:51:45,879
Speaker 6: great you know, sex therapists are great resources for people.

1022
00:51:45,920 --> 00:51:47,960
Speaker 6: I know that sounds so like weird and creepy, but

1023
00:51:48,000 --> 00:51:52,000
Speaker 6: they're amazing and they frequently will have great relationships with

1024
00:51:52,120 --> 00:51:55,360
Speaker 6: physicians that are well trained in the subject. All doctors

1025
00:51:55,400 --> 00:51:58,000
Speaker 6: are not creative equal when it comes to sex. That's

1026
00:51:58,040 --> 00:51:59,680
Speaker 6: not true in dot.

1027
00:52:00,040 --> 00:52:06,440
Speaker 2: And what exactly happens when you go see a sex therapist, well.

1028
00:52:06,880 --> 00:52:09,759
Speaker 6: You'd have to see a sex therapist. I've seen one,

1029
00:52:09,760 --> 00:52:11,960
Speaker 6: but generally what they would do is take the careful history,

1030
00:52:12,040 --> 00:52:15,360
Speaker 6: just like any of us would and find out exactly

1031
00:52:15,360 --> 00:52:17,719
Speaker 6: what's going on, because one of the things that they

1032
00:52:17,719 --> 00:52:20,400
Speaker 6: can help unwind is how much of this appears to

1033
00:52:20,400 --> 00:52:23,880
Speaker 6: be organic, physiologic, biologic and more going to be treated

1034
00:52:23,880 --> 00:52:26,799
Speaker 6: from the medical side, and how much of this is

1035
00:52:27,000 --> 00:52:29,640
Speaker 6: you know, a mind body situation because sex, to me,

1036
00:52:29,800 --> 00:52:33,400
Speaker 6: I always tell people sex is like the ultimate mind

1037
00:52:33,440 --> 00:52:37,480
Speaker 6: body experience where really the mind and body are joined.

1038
00:52:37,840 --> 00:52:41,359
Speaker 6: And so if the mind is overworking, you know, then

1039
00:52:41,400 --> 00:52:44,200
Speaker 6: the body's not going to work, and so there's you know,

1040
00:52:44,719 --> 00:52:46,760
Speaker 6: not it doesn't even have to be like a trauma,

1041
00:52:46,800 --> 00:52:48,919
Speaker 6: but if there's a story you're telling yourself, or there's

1042
00:52:48,960 --> 00:52:53,960
Speaker 6: anxiety or mood disorder, or relationship problems or shame or stress,

1043
00:52:54,000 --> 00:52:56,360
Speaker 6: any of these things can also enter into the relationship.

1044
00:52:56,400 --> 00:52:58,160
Speaker 6: So I think the first thing that would happen with

1045
00:52:58,200 --> 00:53:00,800
Speaker 6: that you'd have to kind of unwind which of those

1046
00:53:01,560 --> 00:53:04,000
Speaker 6: is going on, and then from there they have their modalities,

1047
00:53:04,000 --> 00:53:08,680
Speaker 6: whether it's talk therapy, experiential with couples working together to

1048
00:53:08,840 --> 00:53:13,480
Speaker 6: be more exploratory, playful, open minded. You know, there are

1049
00:53:13,520 --> 00:53:15,799
Speaker 6: toys that can be used, there are supplements that can

1050
00:53:15,800 --> 00:53:18,640
Speaker 6: be used. Are you know, there's like a lot but

1051
00:53:18,920 --> 00:53:20,560
Speaker 6: there's a lot of stuff out there. But I think

1052
00:53:20,600 --> 00:53:23,160
Speaker 6: we as a society are both obsessed with sex and

1053
00:53:23,239 --> 00:53:30,479
Speaker 6: like completely misunderstand it and are unaware like women, don't

1054
00:53:30,840 --> 00:53:33,200
Speaker 6: you know, I can just speak for women. Women frequently

1055
00:53:33,200 --> 00:53:35,080
Speaker 6: don't even know what their body parts are.

1056
00:53:35,480 --> 00:53:38,799
Speaker 3: Yeah, or have never explored it, right, yeah. I mean

1057
00:53:38,800 --> 00:53:41,319
Speaker 3: I have friends in their thirties that have never ever masturbated,

1058
00:53:41,480 --> 00:53:45,360
Speaker 3: never don't know what things are or how to even

1059
00:53:45,719 --> 00:53:48,200
Speaker 3: orgasm by themselves exactly.

1060
00:53:48,239 --> 00:53:49,600
Speaker 6: And if you can't do that, I don't know how

1061
00:53:49,640 --> 00:53:51,480
Speaker 6: you're going to work with a partner in order to

1062
00:53:51,560 --> 00:53:55,799
Speaker 6: achieve intimacy in that arena. It requires so much bravery

1063
00:53:56,280 --> 00:53:58,920
Speaker 6: to be intimate. That's like the scariest, hardest thing in

1064
00:53:58,920 --> 00:54:01,800
Speaker 6: the world US. So it can help create a safe

1065
00:54:01,880 --> 00:54:05,080
Speaker 6: environment and which to explore that so that it's not

1066
00:54:05,120 --> 00:54:07,839
Speaker 6: so scary and that it is something that you know,

1067
00:54:08,000 --> 00:54:10,600
Speaker 6: people can do on their own, with each other whatever.

1068
00:54:10,760 --> 00:54:15,000
Speaker 6: So that's an awesome resource for people and not well understood.

1069
00:54:15,040 --> 00:54:16,799
Speaker 6: I think people, you know, you put the word sex

1070
00:54:16,880 --> 00:54:20,080
Speaker 6: instnt anything, and it's both titillating and also like turn

1071
00:54:20,239 --> 00:54:22,239
Speaker 6: it turns people off. So like, oh, I don't mean that,

1072
00:54:22,320 --> 00:54:23,520
Speaker 6: you know, Oh, yeah, you're right.

1073
00:54:24,360 --> 00:54:26,040
Speaker 3: It's a very taboo topic.

1074
00:54:26,160 --> 00:54:28,040
Speaker 2: It is people are afraid to talk about it.

1075
00:54:28,080 --> 00:54:30,800
Speaker 3: So for Lena, look, I'm just going to say, don't

1076
00:54:31,000 --> 00:54:33,400
Speaker 3: don't cheat. That's not the that's not the way to

1077
00:54:33,440 --> 00:54:37,040
Speaker 3: go to get what you want. But try to talk

1078
00:54:37,080 --> 00:54:40,080
Speaker 3: to your husband. Yeah, try to talk to your your husband,

1079
00:54:40,160 --> 00:54:44,279
Speaker 3: your relationship partner, and you know there are options and

1080
00:54:44,320 --> 00:54:46,719
Speaker 3: hopefully he's willing tell him what you need. And this

1081
00:54:46,760 --> 00:54:48,799
Speaker 3: is what would be helpful for you because you're at

1082
00:54:48,840 --> 00:54:51,640
Speaker 3: a point, you're at a breaking point for yourself and say,

1083
00:54:51,680 --> 00:54:53,760
Speaker 3: you know, can can we please sit down with someoney,

1084
00:54:53,760 --> 00:54:56,680
Speaker 3: either a sex therapist or a therapist, or you know, let's.

1085
00:54:56,560 --> 00:54:58,239
Speaker 6: Go to work and she can get some help for

1086
00:54:58,280 --> 00:55:01,280
Speaker 6: herself exactly. You know, we are not on this planet

1087
00:55:01,280 --> 00:55:03,239
Speaker 6: to fix other people. As much as we really want

1088
00:55:03,280 --> 00:55:05,120
Speaker 6: to make them exactly the way we want them to be,

1089
00:55:06,239 --> 00:55:10,560
Speaker 6: that doesn't usually work very well, and.

1090
00:55:11,440 --> 00:55:14,360
Speaker 2: They may need to find a compromise. They both have

1091
00:55:14,440 --> 00:55:16,440
Speaker 2: to work together, because she did say in the email

1092
00:55:16,520 --> 00:55:19,520
Speaker 2: that he's older and she's younger, so they may just

1093
00:55:19,560 --> 00:55:22,680
Speaker 2: be at different points in their sexuality, which.

1094
00:55:22,520 --> 00:55:24,279
Speaker 6: Is totally and there's other things you can do that

1095
00:55:24,480 --> 00:55:26,759
Speaker 6: don't involve the penis. That way you know what I mean,

1096
00:55:27,360 --> 00:55:29,000
Speaker 6: but this is gonna they're going to have to talk.

1097
00:55:30,560 --> 00:55:35,600
Speaker 3: I agree that Mark. Maybe secondly mail help we wrap her. Okay,

1098
00:55:36,320 --> 00:55:38,759
Speaker 3: all right, well, Susan, thank you so much. You're you're

1099
00:55:38,840 --> 00:55:40,799
Speaker 3: very Where are you a gynecologists by the.

1100
00:55:40,760 --> 00:55:45,680
Speaker 6: Way, I'm in lam in Beverly Hill. Which practice It's

1101
00:55:45,680 --> 00:55:47,240
Speaker 6: called Women's Care of Beverly Hills.

1102
00:55:47,239 --> 00:55:48,440
Speaker 3: Oh I see Jay Goldberg.

1103
00:55:49,640 --> 00:55:50,279
Speaker 6: Of course you do.

1104
00:55:50,320 --> 00:55:50,520
Speaker 5: I do.

1105
00:55:50,600 --> 00:55:51,800
Speaker 6: When you ask that, I'm like, you're going to be

1106
00:55:51,880 --> 00:55:55,440
Speaker 6: my practice. Yeah, I do want to be abnaxis. But

1107
00:55:55,480 --> 00:55:56,880
Speaker 6: I'm like, everybody is our patient.

1108
00:55:57,040 --> 00:55:59,239
Speaker 3: No, you guys are the best. So if my LA

1109
00:55:59,320 --> 00:56:01,680
Speaker 3: listener is deaf, go to them.

1110
00:56:01,800 --> 00:56:02,480
Speaker 2: Yeah.

1111
00:56:02,560 --> 00:56:03,400
Speaker 3: Hey, you guys are awesome.

1112
00:56:03,440 --> 00:56:06,120
Speaker 6: Thank you. All right, you're so welso.

1113
00:56:06,040 --> 00:56:07,400
Speaker 2: Thank you doctor, Susanne.

1114
00:56:07,719 --> 00:56:09,840
Speaker 6: Season you're so well zoned. Take it easy.

1115
00:56:09,960 --> 00:56:11,560
Speaker 2: Bye bye, okay bye.

1116
00:56:11,920 --> 00:56:12,239
Speaker 5: All right.

1117
00:56:12,239 --> 00:56:14,120
Speaker 3: We have one more doctor on the line and one

1118
00:56:14,160 --> 00:56:16,359
Speaker 3: more email. But first I want to tell you about

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Speaker 3: Give it up for mark guys. Okay, so we have

1143
00:57:33,640 --> 00:57:37,040
Speaker 3: one more medical question, and this is doctor Sherry on

1144
00:57:37,040 --> 00:57:37,480
Speaker 3: the phone.

1145
00:57:37,640 --> 00:57:38,800
Speaker 6: Hi, Hi, how.

1146
00:57:38,720 --> 00:57:39,480
Speaker 2: Are you hello?

1147
00:57:40,400 --> 00:57:41,040
Speaker 4: I'm good?

1148
00:57:41,160 --> 00:57:41,640
Speaker 2: How are you.

1149
00:57:43,000 --> 00:57:49,360
Speaker 3: This is Janna and Jen Oh Hi Hi, all right,

1150
00:57:49,400 --> 00:57:50,320
Speaker 3: Mark take it away.

1151
00:57:50,400 --> 00:57:52,920
Speaker 1: Okay, this is from Kristen. I'm from Texas and I'm

1152
00:57:52,920 --> 00:57:56,440
Speaker 1: twenty five years old. I currently am going through PCOS,

1153
00:57:56,440 --> 00:58:01,400
Speaker 1: polycystic ovarian syndrome and infertility. Second drive is solo all

1154
00:58:01,520 --> 00:58:03,560
Speaker 1: the time. Is there any advice you can give about

1155
00:58:03,560 --> 00:58:06,200
Speaker 1: how to raise my sex drive or keep my partner involved.

1156
00:58:06,440 --> 00:58:08,720
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm pushing my husband away by not

1157
00:58:08,760 --> 00:58:09,919
Speaker 1: giving him the time of day.

1158
00:58:11,760 --> 00:58:12,800
Speaker 3: That's a medical.

1159
00:58:13,160 --> 00:58:18,400
Speaker 5: Yeah, that's a tough one. Wellsticovarian syndrome. It is very

1160
00:58:19,040 --> 00:58:22,880
Speaker 5: confusing and complicated and can be very frustrating, especially when

1161
00:58:22,920 --> 00:58:25,640
Speaker 5: you're trying to get pregnant. There's a lot of pressure

1162
00:58:26,240 --> 00:58:29,160
Speaker 5: to get pregnant and it can be challenging because you're

1163
00:58:29,160 --> 00:58:31,560
Speaker 5: not always ovulating regularly.

1164
00:58:32,120 --> 00:58:34,440
Speaker 3: Can you say what PCOS is?

1165
00:58:35,600 --> 00:58:39,120
Speaker 5: Yeah, so partly to stick ovary is a condition that

1166
00:58:39,200 --> 00:58:42,959
Speaker 5: affects probably up to ten percent of women, and there

1167
00:58:43,040 --> 00:58:47,680
Speaker 5: are the ovaries are sort of imbalance. There's a lopside

1168
00:58:47,720 --> 00:58:51,560
Speaker 5: of estrogen and tisosterone. So as a result, your periods

1169
00:58:51,600 --> 00:58:56,920
Speaker 5: are irregular. Sometimes you get excessive hair growth, and you

1170
00:58:56,960 --> 00:58:58,440
Speaker 5: can also have infertility.

1171
00:58:58,560 --> 00:59:00,200
Speaker 6: But irregular periods.

1172
00:59:00,040 --> 00:59:04,440
Speaker 5: And not ovulating regularly are going to be very common problems,

1173
00:59:04,480 --> 00:59:09,160
Speaker 5: and that's why it's hard getting pregnant. So the couple

1174
00:59:09,160 --> 00:59:11,280
Speaker 5: have a lot of pressure. There's a lot of pressure

1175
00:59:11,360 --> 00:59:16,120
Speaker 5: to perform. And it's no wonder that the texturize is

1176
00:59:16,160 --> 00:59:21,960
Speaker 5: low because she's probably feeling depressed. And but what I

1177
00:59:22,000 --> 00:59:24,800
Speaker 5: would suggest to her, you know, hopefully she's seeing a

1178
00:59:24,880 --> 00:59:29,360
Speaker 5: doctor that's helping to make sure she's ovulating each month.

1179
00:59:30,400 --> 00:59:32,560
Speaker 5: And sometimes you sort of have to push it a

1180
00:59:32,560 --> 00:59:34,720
Speaker 5: little bit when it comes to having sex because you're

1181
00:59:34,760 --> 00:59:37,120
Speaker 5: on a mission. You're on a mission to get pregnant,

1182
00:59:37,160 --> 00:59:39,520
Speaker 5: and that makes it a little more challenging.

1183
00:59:41,160 --> 00:59:43,919
Speaker 3: Right, It's almost like you you have to just have

1184
00:59:44,920 --> 00:59:48,240
Speaker 3: I mean, if she's doing she's doing fertility, well, I

1185
00:59:48,280 --> 00:59:51,720
Speaker 3: don't know she's doing she's doing I'm curious if she's.

1186
00:59:52,000 --> 00:59:55,280
Speaker 1: Doing she said she's going through infertility, Okay.

1187
00:59:55,040 --> 00:59:58,920
Speaker 3: So I mean technically then you know you're not then

1188
00:59:58,960 --> 01:00:01,840
Speaker 3: having sex to make a baby be so you almost

1189
01:00:01,880 --> 01:00:04,920
Speaker 3: just need to like just go through the motion almost

1190
01:00:05,000 --> 01:00:09,040
Speaker 3: because you're absolutely which is what sucks, which sucks, but

1191
01:00:09,360 --> 01:00:12,400
Speaker 3: because you know, you know you're you're not feeling good,

1192
01:00:12,480 --> 01:00:15,280
Speaker 3: especially with fertility. Medicines. That's just you know, on top

1193
01:00:15,320 --> 01:00:17,600
Speaker 3: of everything else, and then the stress and you're like, well,

1194
01:00:17,800 --> 01:00:19,520
Speaker 3: we're not even having sex with babies, so why even

1195
01:00:19,560 --> 01:00:22,480
Speaker 3: have sex right now? But I mean you again, you

1196
01:00:22,480 --> 01:00:24,840
Speaker 3: don't want to push your husband away, So it's almost like, yeah,

1197
01:00:24,840 --> 01:00:27,440
Speaker 3: it's until you can get on the other side of it.

1198
01:00:27,440 --> 01:00:30,000
Speaker 3: It's almost just like going through the motions, which is hard.

1199
01:00:30,080 --> 01:00:33,720
Speaker 5: But yeah, and hopefully they're they're they're having good communication.

1200
01:00:33,800 --> 01:00:37,720
Speaker 5: I think that's so important because this is the kind

1201
01:00:37,720 --> 01:00:41,640
Speaker 5: of scenario where couples need a little extra TLC and

1202
01:00:41,680 --> 01:00:44,760
Speaker 5: they need to be communicating, you know, their their issues,

1203
01:00:44,760 --> 01:00:48,400
Speaker 5: they're frustration and and and just you know what's happening

1204
01:00:48,440 --> 01:00:51,480
Speaker 5: and that it's not your typical way of having a baby.

1205
01:00:51,680 --> 01:00:51,880
Speaker 2: Yeah.

1206
01:00:51,880 --> 01:00:55,040
Speaker 3: And I will say this too to Kristen, Like when

1207
01:00:55,040 --> 01:00:56,920
Speaker 3: we were going through IVF, you know, I noticed that

1208
01:00:56,960 --> 01:01:00,240
Speaker 3: I wasn't having sex with Mike a lot. And they

1209
01:01:00,280 --> 01:01:02,320
Speaker 3: almost then just start to feel like they're the baby

1210
01:01:02,320 --> 01:01:03,840
Speaker 3: makers and it's like, oh, well, you just want us

1211
01:01:03,880 --> 01:01:06,280
Speaker 3: for sex because so you can have a baby. And

1212
01:01:06,320 --> 01:01:09,200
Speaker 3: it's like then they then they're not as attracted to

1213
01:01:09,520 --> 01:01:11,080
Speaker 3: really want to have sex to be there, because they

1214
01:01:11,120 --> 01:01:14,080
Speaker 3: just feel like they're getting used for sperm. So you know,

1215
01:01:14,440 --> 01:01:16,440
Speaker 3: when you're using in fertility and then it's like, oh

1216
01:01:16,440 --> 01:01:18,440
Speaker 3: I don't need the man anymore. It's like then that

1217
01:01:18,640 --> 01:01:20,440
Speaker 3: really makes them feel like they're.

1218
01:01:20,280 --> 01:01:23,120
Speaker 5: Not Yeah, I wanted.

1219
01:01:23,840 --> 01:01:26,520
Speaker 4: So it's a very stressful time.

1220
01:01:27,040 --> 01:01:28,840
Speaker 6: That's not discussing us with.

1221
01:01:28,960 --> 01:01:32,440
Speaker 5: Couples going through facility or any you know, any problem

1222
01:01:32,600 --> 01:01:37,360
Speaker 5: trying to conceive. So I agree special attention needs to

1223
01:01:37,400 --> 01:01:39,000
Speaker 5: be given to the husband especially.

1224
01:01:40,000 --> 01:01:42,200
Speaker 3: Well, thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

1225
01:01:42,880 --> 01:01:45,440
Speaker 6: Yeah, good luck, Thanks yank you.

1226
01:01:46,240 --> 01:01:48,200
Speaker 3: Okay, I want to give a huge thank you to

1227
01:01:48,200 --> 01:01:52,280
Speaker 3: my guest today. We had Scherie Heally Heally, Okay, all right,

1228
01:01:52,320 --> 01:01:53,600
Speaker 3: I just want to give a huge shout out to

1229
01:01:53,640 --> 01:01:56,000
Speaker 3: all the guests we had on today. Thank you Sharie Heally,

1230
01:01:56,160 --> 01:01:59,120
Speaker 3: Thank you, doctor Sherry, thank you doctor Suzanne. Us thee

1231
01:01:59,200 --> 01:02:03,760
Speaker 3: soon at the office please please please email us Janakramer

1232
01:02:03,760 --> 01:02:06,520
Speaker 3: at iHeartMedia dot com. And I'm really excited for next

1233
01:02:06,520 --> 01:02:09,160
Speaker 3: week because we have Marissa Jarrett Winoker and Raya Wahlberg.

1234
01:02:09,200 --> 01:02:11,520
Speaker 3: It's going to be a great show, really talking to

1235
01:02:11,560 --> 01:02:14,200
Speaker 3: some great ladies. We'll be back next week to wind

1236
01:02:14,240 --> 01:02:14,479
Speaker 3: down