Speaker 1: There's a meat cute in this story.
Speaker 2: There's actually a meet cute. It's much later, you know, Like,
Speaker 2: just imagine a meet cute that smells like pea.
Speaker 1: So. I recently got back from a trip to Japan,
Speaker 1: and there are so many beautiful aspects of Japanese culture,
Speaker 1: from the incredible food, to the history, the artistry and
Speaker 1: attention to detail, and every aspect of life. But the
Speaker 1: thing that I found most surprising and satisfying was the
Speaker 1: public transportation. Now, the subway stations, first of all, have
Speaker 1: amazing gourmet food. I mean, subway sushi in Japan is
Speaker 1: better than most four star sushi restaurants in LA And
Speaker 1: the stations and the trains are pristine, they are sparkling.
Speaker 1: There's not a piece of trash in sight. And then
Speaker 1: once you're on the subway, it's silent. No one is
Speaker 1: talking on their phone. No one is talking period. Even
Speaker 1: when you're crammed in there like sardines, all you hear
Speaker 1: is the Nintendos jingles that play to indicate that the
Speaker 1: doors are closing and the train is leaving. Is beautiful,
Speaker 1: kind of different than our public train system here in
Speaker 1: the United States. I mean, I live in Los Angeles.
Speaker 1: So I can't even really talk. I mean, our subway
Speaker 1: is not even a subway, it's above ground and it
Speaker 1: basically just takes you downtown if that's where you want
Speaker 1: to go. So I'm not exactly an expert, but enter
Speaker 1: my friend Corbett Pasco. Corbett is an actor, writer and
Speaker 1: professional swear who you may know is the unofficial gen
Speaker 1: X representative on TikTok. She also has a lot of
Speaker 1: experience with the CTA, also known as the Chicago Transit Authority,
Speaker 1: and she's got the stories to prove it. I'm will
Speaker 1: mind the Gap McFadden. And this is hashtag story time,
Speaker 1: brought to you by iHeartRadio.
Speaker 2: So I was working downtown in the Loop in Chicago,
Speaker 2: and I you know, I took public transit together there
Speaker 2: because that's I have now relocated to California in the
Speaker 2: last year. Well, I still don't thank you very much.
Speaker 2: I still don't drive. That's difficult, Yeah it does.
Speaker 1: You know La is notorious for like you drive to
Speaker 1: the neighbor's house.
Speaker 2: Yeah, oh no, it's it's worse. I'm in Sacramento, so,
Speaker 2: I mean there's nothing, there's there's it looks people look
Speaker 2: at you funny when you're walking. So I have a car,
Speaker 2: I just I don't drive it well, so my husband
Speaker 2: does that. But anyway, so taking public to get to work,
Speaker 2: and I'm coming home on the on the Brown Line,
Speaker 2: which kind of you know, goes around the loop, and
Speaker 2: there are several passengers if you're going to transfer at
Speaker 2: any point, so it does a crowded train at rush
Speaker 2: hour coming home. So I realized this is about ninety
Speaker 2: six seven.
Speaker 1: Okay, okay.
Speaker 2: So I'm young, and I'm you know, in my little
Speaker 2: professional day job before going to my little theater evening career,
Speaker 2: and and everyone's packing on and there is a woman
Speaker 2: in a in a dirty coat, a winter coat, and
Speaker 2: that's you know, and she and she's shuffling along and
Speaker 2: she seems elderly, and I'm trying to see if she
Speaker 2: needs any assistance, but she seems to have it under control.
Speaker 2: She's got a luggage cart that has a giant Hinkley
Speaker 2: and Schmidt type water bottle, like the big old office bottles,
Speaker 2: that's empty except for some change at the bottom. And
Speaker 2: she's got that strap to her luggage cart and she's wheeling.
Speaker 1: It on sort of like a five gallon sparklet style thing, okay.
Speaker 2: Exactly, And I'm like, okay, she seems all right. I
Speaker 2: think she's got it. So okay, so she gets on
Speaker 2: the train and we all get on the train. Now
Speaker 2: there's a button that was at that time more recently
Speaker 2: installed on the train where you can push it to
Speaker 2: talk to the conductor, but it also goes to the
Speaker 2: entire train.
Speaker 1: Okay, okay's megaphone button's mm hmmm. Seems like that wasn't
Speaker 1: well thought out.
Speaker 2: No, it was a it was a bad choice. It
Speaker 2: was that that really just should go right to the conductor,
Speaker 2: maybe skip everybody else in between. And I think she
Speaker 2: she knew somehow, she knew exactly where she was going.
Speaker 2: So she got onto the train and we're all packed
Speaker 2: in like sardines, and this tiny woman just leans into
Speaker 2: the button and goes and I'm please know I am
Speaker 2: not exaggerating this voice, because this is what the entire
Speaker 2: train heard. At last, Christ is dead and Satan can rule,
Speaker 2: And the entire train just looks at each other like,
Speaker 2: oh fun. Oh no. So now you're trying to do
Speaker 2: the thing where you're like, do I pretend she's invisible?
Speaker 2: Or do I do I ask some questions? Do I
Speaker 2: just keep my head down, so I'm I'm.
Speaker 1: My this is before you know earbuds. You know, you
Speaker 1: could no phone.
Speaker 2: I can stare at.
Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly. You just have to stare at your shoes
Speaker 1: or like awkwardly make brisk eye contact with your with
Speaker 1: your neighbors.
Speaker 2: Yep, and just like maybe as a plea for help,
Speaker 2: and they're like, can I help.
Speaker 1: You maybe anything? Really lean into a book or a magazine.
Speaker 2: If you can reach it. Because I'm standing at this point,
Speaker 2: I'm like, I can't get to that, okay. And I
Speaker 2: can see her in the reflection of the the train
Speaker 2: door in between cars, so I'm holding out of the
Speaker 2: pole and I can see her just just behind my arm,
Speaker 2: and then out of the corner of my vision, I
Speaker 2: see her hand and I look down and she is
Speaker 2: reaching for like a funian's bag that had fallen to
Speaker 2: the ground and her and her fingers are just like
Speaker 2: kind of witchily reaching for it. And I'm just gonna
Speaker 2: let her be right. I'm just like, okay, not gonna
Speaker 2: And then she stands up and she's like, fine, don't
Speaker 2: help me, you fuck, And I was like, and then
Speaker 2: she proceeds to sing a song about what a horror
Speaker 2: I am to the entire train. I'm like, but I didn't. Okay, uh,
Speaker 2: and you know we're all just and again I'm checking
Speaker 2: her reflection to see if, like, is she going to
Speaker 2: jump up and latch onto my arm like in a
Speaker 2: bite hold? Should I rip? You know? Like just looking
Speaker 2: like all right? And then she The historic event was
Speaker 2: the Clinton Lewency Lewinsky scandal. Right, okay, this is like
Speaker 2: early Internet when I remember working in this office as
Speaker 2: people are reading the report and thinking, I shouldn't.
Speaker 1: Know any of this? Why do I public?
Speaker 2: I shouldn't None of us should know this. This feels
Speaker 2: like we're going down a bad path here, man, too
Speaker 2: much information here we are twenty twenty two. No, so
Speaker 2: all that was very much on the public consciousness, including
Speaker 2: our friend here who decided to educate all of us
Speaker 2: and say, do you know why the bitch squealed? And
Speaker 2: I'm not again that was her actual like Broomhilda s
Speaker 2: or which Hazel esque if you want to go looney
Speaker 2: Tunes about it.
Speaker 1: I'm picturing that she was like on her way to
Speaker 1: a production of Into the Woods.
Speaker 2: You'd think, you know, right, it's just an.
Speaker 1: Fol costume and makeup, hair and in character on the
Speaker 1: way to you know, to like the premiere of Into
Speaker 1: the Woods, which I feel like, what is just coming
Speaker 1: out at that time?
Speaker 2: Yes, singing children will listen in her puppy goat, and
Speaker 2: you know, of course no one's like, no, why did
Speaker 2: they why? I don't know why? And she finally said,
Speaker 2: because Clinton was a lousy fuck and that's why the
Speaker 2: bitch squealed.
Speaker 1: Oh my god. I mean, if this woman had a
Speaker 1: TikTok account now, I feel like she would, she'd be
Speaker 1: crushing it.
Speaker 2: She absolutely would. She'd have sponsor. She'd be like trying
Speaker 2: on those magnetic pear glasses.
Speaker 1: And you're getting a lot of those ads right now.
Speaker 2: Yes, same, and some of them like I know that person.
Speaker 1: She should be like, you know this disco stick eye rolling,
Speaker 1: that's the one I get a lot. I guess that's
Speaker 1: what I need in my life. Is like men's men's
Speaker 1: under I you know, it's like, hey, it's cool if
Speaker 1: you're a bro and you like you need a little
Speaker 1: under eye care, Like I'm.
Speaker 2: All right, man, we're gonna call it a disco stick
Speaker 2: so you don't feel emasculated.
Speaker 1: Exactly, just to keep this disco stick in my truck
Speaker 1: and then like you know, a store.
Speaker 2: Right under my my naked lady mudflaps.
Speaker 1: Right when I'm going hunting, like before a hunt, I
Speaker 1: always just like touch up my under ruck.
Speaker 2: I don't need the dudes thinking I didn't sleep well
Speaker 2: last night like I should right hill though, So she
Speaker 2: got off at Sedgwick, which she called Hell's Maker. Ah,
Speaker 2: Hell's Maker, and then got off and then spat upon
Speaker 2: the train as it pulls away.
Speaker 1: Oh my god. She is just she is a ten
Speaker 1: at all times.
Speaker 2: All the time, like there's no there's no relaxation that
Speaker 2: woman does not.
Speaker 1: So aggressive in every decision to making els maker. It's
Speaker 1: like train I recently saw. I went to the Sinespia,
Speaker 1: which is like in the cemetery movie thing in Los Angeles,
Speaker 1: and we saw we watch Showgirls and and Elizabeth Berkeley's
Speaker 1: performance in Showgirls is she is so aggressive in every
Speaker 1: move that she does everything. It's so aggressive, and I
Speaker 1: feel like this woman is at the same level. Maybe
Speaker 1: it is Elizabeth Berkeley. She was studying for a role
Speaker 1: in Into the Wands.
Speaker 2: You know what I'm now that I'm thinking about it,
Speaker 2: that very well could be. I mean, Elizabeth Berkeley is
Speaker 2: like dancing at you, right, and this woman is kind
Speaker 2: of living at you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly, spitting at you.
Speaker 2: Spitting at you. Also not the first time I've been
Speaker 2: spinning either in the city. Just just charming, just so charming.
Speaker 2: I was like, is this is this payback for when
Speaker 2: I was the obnoxious art school kid who was singing
Speaker 2: harmonies of my original song with my friends on the
Speaker 2: train in the way you know it was fifteen.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, this is carm.
Speaker 2: Fuck you for making us little than of that. Here's
Speaker 2: this lady now aside from you know her, the dude
Speaker 2: also telling me that I could talk all day because
Speaker 2: my lady bits probably didn't smell good either, or the
Speaker 2: preacher lady who told everyone that she was not going
Speaker 2: to shut up because she was personally Gabriel's horn.
Speaker 1: Also great.
Speaker 2: The CTA also did, however, give me my husband. That
Speaker 2: is where I met my husband on the disgusting red line.
Speaker 1: Oh there's a meat cute in this story.
Speaker 2: There's actually a meet cute. It's much later, you know, like,
Speaker 2: just imagine a meat cute that smells like pee.
Speaker 1: Yeah right, you know, some of this that happens sometimes has.
Speaker 2: A bottle of night train rolling around on it when
Speaker 2: you didn't think anyone saw that anymore. And yet here
Speaker 2: it is empty at six am. I uh, I had
Speaker 2: passed him one other time, his Staarbucks mine. There was
Speaker 2: a good morning, good morning. It was again it was
Speaker 2: early two thousands. It was exciting to have a Starbucks
Speaker 2: open up in your neighborhood. You were like, oh, I
Speaker 2: can have Coffeeoh like a vanilla solatte. Gross passed me.
Speaker 1: Shut up and drink your coffee.
Speaker 2: Because before this, my favorite coffee shop was, you know,
Speaker 2: one you could smoke in and a very wonderful, bitter
Speaker 2: old man would pour me regular or decaff and that's
Speaker 2: all he had.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's Joe's coffee, cup of Joe.
Speaker 2: That's right. And snacks that he bought at the jewel
Speaker 2: that day. I have cake today. Thank you, Don up
Speaker 2: selling Don's Coffee Club. Amazing place. But uh so there
Speaker 2: was a good morning, good morning, and I thought was like,
Speaker 2: there's a cupe by in my neighborhood. That's neat. That
Speaker 2: was pretty much the last I thought of that. And
Speaker 2: uh and so I got on the train and I'm
Speaker 2: I'm reading my books. See this time, I'm prepared. I
Speaker 2: now have a book to shove my face into just
Speaker 2: in case. Uh, And I and I look up and
Speaker 2: I and I see the cute guy and and we're
Speaker 2: doing there. I know it's a podcast. I have to
Speaker 2: figure out an audio. Weaight to do the looking up
Speaker 2: and smirking and looking down and looking up and you know,
Speaker 2: trying not to be a complete asshole about it, but
Speaker 2: you know you're looking up and blink and it's cute.
Speaker 2: Yea And he no, that was the second time. Okay,
Speaker 2: so no, So we're doing the we're doing the googly
Speaker 2: I thing. And I had a transfer at Belmont. I
Speaker 2: knocked into a guy on my way out because I
Speaker 2: was looking at him. So that was super smooth. I
Speaker 2: felt real good about that. I was like, I am
Speaker 2: good job, okay, so uh and then I started doing
Speaker 2: I used to do my make up on the train.
Speaker 2: I was one of those people that I learned later
Speaker 2: was a type of person that people did.
Speaker 1: Not like it with the harmonizing and oh god.
Speaker 2: I mean what, Dick, just let me read the train lady.
Speaker 2: Why But I mean, I'm full eyeliner, like I got
Speaker 2: a whole like I got a whole thing going like.
Speaker 1: I mean, that's impressive though eyeliner on. There's a lot
Speaker 1: of movement on a trade, you know, I know, I know.
Speaker 2: I could also sleep until I dreamt and not miss
Speaker 2: my stop. I mean, I had this down.
Speaker 1: I'm wow.
Speaker 2: However, if I start with the window too long, totally
Speaker 2: missed my stop and I'm going to be late. But
Speaker 2: you know I could do a full face of makeup
Speaker 2: and have a catnap. I just can't normal people right, right, right,
Speaker 2: So I'm not going to do a guy my way.
Speaker 2: I start doing my makeup at home just in case
Speaker 2: I run into Kukai again.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and it's.
Speaker 2: Right, you know, I can't. I can't be caught off guard.
Speaker 2: I I did see him again a couple of weeks later.
Speaker 2: It was a little while, and in this time we're
Speaker 2: both standing and he will not look at me. He refuses,
Speaker 2: he's looking down. He's avoiding me at all costs, and
Speaker 2: so my brain just starts to pick him apart. Fine, whatever, whatever,
Speaker 2: I need you with your two arms, in your hair,
Speaker 2: don't care.
Speaker 1: Got your face, your shoes, your regular shoes.
Speaker 2: Just regular normal people shoes. I thought you were special,
Speaker 2: because you're not, so whatever, don't look at me. Fine, fine,
Speaker 2: in fact, I'm gonna be upset if you do.
Speaker 1: Let me check didn't look at me ever. Again.
Speaker 2: I would prefer it if we never made eyes at
Speaker 2: each other, and I would tell you that. But I'm
Speaker 2: not going to speak to you. So I start to
Speaker 2: get off at Belmont again because this guy, yeah, and
Speaker 2: uh my brain actually started to yell at me like, hey, hey,
Speaker 2: you dumb bitch. I don't know if you have noticed,
Speaker 2: but that whatever that was that happened back there, that
Speaker 2: doesn't happen. It doesn't happen. This train is disgusting, and
Speaker 2: that awesome thing happened to you, and don't leave. So
Speaker 2: I let the crowd push me into him, and I
Speaker 2: put my bag down on his foot. That's like, I
Speaker 2: just gasped a little bit, like one of the balsiest
Speaker 2: things I've every good. I'm like, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: Did I crush your toe a little bit? And like
Speaker 1: keep my bag and so my bad.
Speaker 2: Yeps. So you know, we start talking because I've made
Speaker 2: us talk now, and I was terrified that if we
Speaker 2: started talking it would ruin everything. You know, start talking
Speaker 2: about hunting and yeah.
Speaker 1: Well my name's Herman, and you know, okay, where did that,
Speaker 1: or he would be like, you know, Jesus is dead
Speaker 1: and right now, oh shit, it's you.
Speaker 2: Just pulls off the mask.
Speaker 1: I knew it. How did you get along?
Speaker 2: Cond so you're very good at masks? How did you
Speaker 2: get taller.
Speaker 1: Platform?
Speaker 2: Stilty?
Speaker 1: Give me them funnions?
Speaker 2: Damn it?
Speaker 1: It was all for the funds.
Speaker 2: Jesus here, so you know. And he was he was
Speaker 2: reading Twelfth Night, which you know, and I was in
Speaker 2: a show with the guy, the guy who played my
Speaker 2: husband in that show was also He's like, well, I'm
Speaker 2: auditioning for him, Like so is this guy I'm in
Speaker 2: a show with. And they wound up in it together.
Speaker 2: And you know, he lived around the corner and he
Speaker 2: worked where I used to, and well in the building.
Speaker 1: Where was he a malvolio or wash?
Speaker 2: He was? No, that was midsummer when he was who
Speaker 2: he was? Oh my god, Oh no, isn't it. Nope,
Speaker 2: that's is in midsommer summer. No, he was in midsommer.
Speaker 2: He was yus and he was lying.
Speaker 1: I also played Snug the Joiner.
Speaker 2: Fantastic, of course you did. I love that story, you ladies.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: No, he's in a therapy session right now. It's probably
Speaker 2: really not a good idea for me to be like, hey,
Speaker 2: who were you.
Speaker 1: Twelve n and twelve? Sir Anthony?
Speaker 2: I think maybe you know that was the guy who
Speaker 2: I who played my husband was any damn it? All right,
Speaker 2: I'll have to ask him, like he was really good.
Speaker 2: And that was another thing, is like, you know, we
Speaker 2: had just started dating and I had to go see
Speaker 2: him act. Yeah, and in Shakespeare. I'm like, please don't suck.
Speaker 1: I know. Yeah, that's always that's always the risk where
Speaker 1: it's like my girlfriend, she's an artist, and when she
Speaker 1: first showed me or I was like, oh, I hope
Speaker 1: this isn't terrible. And then I was like, oh, you're
Speaker 1: super good, You're super talented. Yep.
Speaker 2: I was like, because I can't keep dating you, because
Speaker 2: I can't keep lying to you. I can't I can't
Speaker 2: encourage you to do something that you're very bad at.
Speaker 1: Right, Yeah, I can't live that life.
Speaker 2: No, So fortunate I didn't have to, but so yeah,
Speaker 2: so we we got to talking about that, you know,
Speaker 2: and I immediately called my friend who worked at DDB
Speaker 2: with him, and I'm like, I need you to find
Speaker 2: out about this person. He's like that guy everyone keeps
Speaker 2: confusing me for that guy because we're both tall.
Speaker 1: And that's it.
Speaker 2: So that all you got, how you.
Speaker 1: Have on him?
Speaker 2: Okay? So yeah, then we went on our first date
Speaker 2: December fifteenth, two thousand and two. Okay, yeah, so we're
Speaker 2: coming up on twenty years now, so that yeah from
Speaker 2: the red light?
Speaker 1: Oh my god? And who asked? Did you ask him?
Speaker 1: How did the date come? Like? How did you pop
Speaker 1: the question or did he finally ask you?
Speaker 2: We exchanged to email addresses again early internet, where that
Speaker 2: was like, you won't get lost in spam. This is
Speaker 2: probably fine, yeah, because otherwise you're giving your home number,
Speaker 2: your landline, right, it's personal for word, right, So yeah,
Speaker 2: I think he did, he suggested, And we went to
Speaker 2: Moody's in Chicago for our first date, which was perfect
Speaker 2: and we had a lovely time and I made sure
Speaker 2: to kick him out.
Speaker 1: That I relate. That happened to be my first date
Speaker 1: with my girlfriend now, who I've been together for nine years.
Speaker 1: First date, we went to a really nice dinner. Then
Speaker 1: we were drinking whiskey out on her porch and we
Speaker 1: were watching these two lesbian neighbors have this really intense
Speaker 1: fight and they kept fighting and then making out and
Speaker 1: fighting and we were just like, this is a soap
Speaker 1: op rather than maze. And then there was also some
Speaker 1: stray cats that were having a fight too in the alleyway.
Speaker 1: There was just it was just like it was better
Speaker 1: than TV. And then and then she she invited me
Speaker 1: into her room to like give me this tie that
Speaker 1: I had left or that she had stolen from me
Speaker 1: one night, and then we like started kissing and then
Speaker 1: I took off my shoes and she was like, what
Speaker 1: are you doing? And I was like, I thought we
Speaker 1: were gonna get on the bed and I didn't want
Speaker 1: to get my shoes on your bed. And she was like,
Speaker 1: we're not getting on the bed. Put your shoes back off.
Speaker 2: Put your damps on, get out.
Speaker 1: Yeah that's exactly what happened.
Speaker 2: Oh no, full disclosure. We absolutely, we absolutely did that.
Speaker 2: We did all of that shoes off and the whole thing.
Speaker 2: But then I was like, okay, get out, Nelly. I
Speaker 2: don't I don't want you waking up here in either
Speaker 2: of us going oh no, because I think you're very lovely,
Speaker 2: so get out.
Speaker 1: Yeah. See I did even get there. I just got
Speaker 1: two shoes off, and she was like, what's What do
Speaker 1: you think you're doing while taking.
Speaker 2: It's very presumptuous of you thinking I want to see
Speaker 2: your toes.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but I also just I didn't want to people
Speaker 1: get my shoes on earth.
Speaker 2: You're trying to be polite.
Speaker 1: It was presumptuous and polite at the same time.
Speaker 2: I was very assuming, also very concerned about your duvet.
Speaker 1: Yeah exactly, I just I didn't want so embarrassing putting
Speaker 1: the shoes back. I guess they're not slip on stoo,
Speaker 1: So I got it right. So I gotta tie and
Speaker 1: relace these.
Speaker 2: Hold on their dress shoes.
Speaker 1: It's been lazy their knee high boots that.
Speaker 2: They got some hook eyes. One second, I just got it.
Speaker 2: I want the buckles. Stupid, stupid.
Speaker 1: Okay, really, it has been fun.
Speaker 2: You have a good night and a clean bed. I'm
Speaker 2: gonna go.
Speaker 1: Oh what a cute me and cute.
Speaker 2: It was very cute. We we we got engaged and
Speaker 2: then broke up and then moved apart. Yeah, we broke
Speaker 2: our landlord's heart when we told them because my landlords
Speaker 2: would not let me move in with my previous boyfriend. Okay,
Speaker 2: they were hilarious, amazing people. I just asked what the
Speaker 2: price of a two bedroom would be. And the patriarch
Speaker 2: of the family, Gus, was like, no, you don't want
Speaker 2: to do that. I was like, but what I just
Speaker 2: want to know? How much is no? No, Gus, how
Speaker 2: much is that not? You do that? And then something
Speaker 2: happens and you got you got an apartment you can't
Speaker 2: pay for. Oh something's good. Well that's rude. But also
Speaker 2: they would come in to do work and sometimes do
Speaker 2: my dishes. I'm like, June, did you do that?
Speaker 1: Well?
Speaker 2: They were just there. I just thought, June sumptuous and
Speaker 2: polite and polite. Oh god. They had to redo some
Speaker 2: pipes and like had to tear apart my closet at
Speaker 2: one point, and she's and all of my shoes had
Speaker 2: been moved to under my bed and she's like, those
Speaker 2: are a lot of shoes. I was, all your shoes.
Speaker 1: You might have a problem, thanks, June.
Speaker 2: They came in to fix something one day and like
Speaker 2: they didn't tell me, and they'd bust in and they're
Speaker 2: yelling at each other. I'm like, Gus, you cannot talk
Speaker 2: to your wife that way at ten o'clock in the
Speaker 2: morning in.
Speaker 1: My house, inside my bedroom.
Speaker 2: Inside my bed, and he just palms me at twenty
Speaker 2: and he's like, go get some breakfast.
Speaker 1: You don't want to hear this.
Speaker 2: He brought me a table. He's like, I don't like it.
Speaker 2: You don't know how a cocktail table?
Speaker 1: What?
Speaker 2: An air conditioner, a toaster? Things would just show up
Speaker 2: in my house. They are the greatest, weirdest landlords I've
Speaker 2: ever had.
Speaker 1: Really and blurring the lines.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah. And then they met my husband and instead
Speaker 2: of like he would he would gesture for my ex
Speaker 2: because he was short, which I'm short but he and
Speaker 2: so was Gus. But he was like, where's and he
Speaker 2: would like hold his hand up like short guy.
Speaker 1: Yay, hi right.
Speaker 2: I was like what. And for my husband he was like,
Speaker 2: where's Captain America? Oh?
Speaker 1: All right?
Speaker 2: And then one day he's like, you need a bigger apartment.
Speaker 1: He did.
Speaker 2: He's like, Gus approves you may now continue your relationship.
Speaker 2: He was like, you need a bigger apartment. I'm gonna
Speaker 2: I'm gonna start showing you apartments. I'm like, okay, he did.
Speaker 2: He gave us a I moved within the building. Two
Speaker 2: gorgeous apartments in the same building, just unbelievable, cleanest building
Speaker 2: I've ever seen in my life.
Speaker 1: Did did he make a speech at your wedding?
Speaker 2: Sad? No, he should have. I should have invited the travelss.
Speaker 2: But no, he actually passed away shortly after he uh
Speaker 2: picked out our apartment. Oh god, so telling you know,
Speaker 2: his his widow and and the daughter like, I'm so sorry.
Speaker 2: But she's like, I can't believe it didn't work out.
Speaker 2: I'm so sorry. You need anything you come back by
Speaker 2: either of you. We just love you.
Speaker 1: So they were so sweet, you need anything except more shoes.
Speaker 2: Right, because I'm not gonna I'm not going to enable
Speaker 2: you like that concern for you, concerned but and judgmental.
Speaker 1: Still.
Speaker 2: Oh, when they were trying to show the place, like
Speaker 2: they came in, looked at my bathroom and she looks
Speaker 2: at the at the tub and she's like, well, I'm
Speaker 2: gonna have to comment that, but that'll be okay. I'm like,
Speaker 2: I did.
Speaker 1: No, not enough. You gotta put that back into it.
Speaker 1: You I'll bow grace in there.
Speaker 2: I mean, if you tried, it's worse than my mother.
Speaker 2: So we broke up for a bit, uh, and we
Speaker 2: moved apart. We got back together very quickly, but we
Speaker 2: stayed living apart because we'd already made arrangements. It's a
Speaker 2: long time and this was working out pretty well. Uh
Speaker 2: so our uh save the dates for when we got
Speaker 2: re engage, which was also very cute, just said in
Speaker 2: very pretty script. It just said, seriously on them so weird, seriously, seriously, No,
Speaker 2: we're gonna do it this time. When I told my
Speaker 2: mother the second time we got engaged, she was like, oh,
Speaker 2: well good. I was like, well, excuse me. She's like, well,
Speaker 2: if you were gonna marry him, I was going to like, really, mom,
Speaker 2: And yes, my mother was a fifty year smoker from Brooklyn.
Speaker 2: Not to be confused with the Satan Lady. They're foy
Speaker 2: different people. We were doing, uh the only production that
Speaker 2: I directed for the theater company that I ran for
Speaker 2: like twelve years. And at the end of the show,
Speaker 2: my husband was supposed to propose to a woman that
Speaker 2: he doesn't really know. He'd just been talking to her
Speaker 2: in the lobby all night in this small town. You know,
Speaker 2: So you're gonna marry me or what? And she's like, no,
Speaker 2: I don't think so, mister Faber. He's like, all right,
Speaker 2: like that kind of thing whatever, and the whole and
Speaker 2: it was a dress rehearsal, because no man I would marry,
Speaker 2: would ruin a fucking performance by proposing to me in
Speaker 2: the middle. No one paid for that, No one wants
Speaker 2: to see that.
Speaker 1: That's a selfish move.
Speaker 2: It's a very selfish move. Just no one. No one
Speaker 2: here cares. They came to see the show.
Speaker 1: What are you doing if you If you do it
Speaker 1: on one show, then you have to do it every show,
Speaker 1: and then you have to recreate that kind of emotion
Speaker 1: and that discovery every time.
Speaker 2: And our future is based on a performance.
Speaker 1: It's not a lie. Yeah, it's a lie.
Speaker 2: It's a lie.
Speaker 1: Uh.
Speaker 2: It was a dress rehearsal. And there was like two
Speaker 2: minutes left of the play after he proposes, and he
Speaker 2: told the people that it would affect but the whole night,
Speaker 2: all my notes are like, why the fuck is your
Speaker 2: character so fucking chipper? Like he's this disheveled business man
Speaker 2: who's just very down in his luck, and I'm like, man,
Speaker 2: a little step in your step.
Speaker 1: Yeah, tone it down.
Speaker 2: You're supposed to be bitter and jaded, and you're just like.
Speaker 1: You. Why did you sing half of your lines?
Speaker 2: Did you skip just now? I think you did? Clearly
Speaker 2: that was a pot of barret as you exited the stage,
Speaker 2: and I do not approve. So he asks, you know,
Speaker 2: is you gonna marry me one? And she's like, no,
Speaker 2: mister favor. He said, that's all right, I have someone
Speaker 2: else in mind, and he walks out and to me
Speaker 2: and drops to it and I was like, oh, no, I
Speaker 2: didn't know. Don't read these notes? Did you have notes
Speaker 2: on the proposal? I copious, copious notes.
Speaker 1: No.
Speaker 2: I stopped at that point and I told him I
Speaker 2: think he was trying to get out of those notes.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: It was pretty adorable. It was pretty It was pretty cute.
Speaker 1: That is that's sweet. No notes, no notes on the proposal.
Speaker 2: No notes.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: He was going to do it on the train, but
Speaker 2: there was too much peace and someone was smoking.
Speaker 1: Yeah, too many Satanists.
Speaker 2: They were having a convention, and we just didn't want to.
Speaker 1: He could have done it. You could have press the
Speaker 1: button and been like, hear you, hear you all you
Speaker 1: know travelers on this trade.
Speaker 2: Here's the person I would like to spend the rest
Speaker 2: of my days with. In car fifty four to seventeen.
Speaker 1: Shut up, shut your mouth, this is my stop. We
Speaker 1: got to stop pressing the buttons. It's for the conductor, right.
Speaker 2: Trying to see the Cobs game. So that's that's those
Speaker 2: are those are? I mean, that's kind of my mash
Speaker 2: up of this of what the CTA gave us.
Speaker 1: All. Yeah, I mean, it's a roller coaster. You never
Speaker 1: know what you're going to get on the on the CTA, No, And.
Speaker 2: For a while their slogan was absolutely unironically, take it,
Speaker 2: take it, CTA, take it. I'm like, did anyone think
Speaker 2: this all? I bet you did think this through.
Speaker 1: It's the same it's the same company that was doing
Speaker 1: the slogan for South Dakota, which what they had a
Speaker 1: meth problem and their slogan was meth We're on it.
Speaker 1: I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. It's very true.
Speaker 2: Why it's just you and a couple of bison right now,
Speaker 2: it's it.
Speaker 1: We're on it.
Speaker 2: We're on it. Yeah, you want to be on it too,
Speaker 2: Come visit. You don't need teeth.
Speaker 1: Let's go. We were on it.
Speaker 2: We're on it. So fun. It's a great time.
Speaker 1: And then so now it's been almost twenty years, right
Speaker 1: or has it been twenty It'll.
Speaker 2: Be twenty in December. Oh yeah, hell yeah.
Speaker 1: You guys should go for a ride on the on
Speaker 1: the train.
Speaker 2: We're gonna go back to Chicago. Get on the train. Yeah,
Speaker 2: push the button. See what happens, right? I mean, why not? Honestly,
Speaker 2: I go back to Chicago a lot, so that we'll
Speaker 2: have to or you've had that in there.
Speaker 1: You could. You could bring back the play that you
Speaker 1: guys were doing.
Speaker 2: We could. I did love that show. Actually did not
Speaker 2: a lot of other people did, but I thought it
Speaker 2: was great.
Speaker 1: Read mount it, read mount the show. Get the cast
Speaker 1: back together, Come on, I get the bad back together. Everybody,
Speaker 1: let us do it.
Speaker 2: It's a depressing show about a small town. Let's go
Speaker 2: archa no American notes. Yeah, familiar, very very weird, wonderful
Speaker 2: kind of just small town Americana kind of show.
Speaker 1: I love it.
Speaker 2: And it was like just little bits. And what I
Speaker 2: loved is our set designers actually built these little platforms,
Speaker 2: these little wagons that just kind of moved in and out.
Speaker 2: So they were very detailed because it was like just
Speaker 2: a chair with a bunch of shits arounding it. Yeah,
Speaker 2: just a little bit of a bar. So they just
Speaker 2: kind of moved in and out of this small town.
Speaker 2: And I loved it.
Speaker 1: I just loved it. I got to read that I'm
Speaker 1: always looking for I just read I did this in college,
Speaker 1: but just came back to Bob Rauschenberg America, the Chuck
Speaker 1: Me play, which I if you I've read. It's also
Speaker 1: it's a very much a little slice of Americana, and
Speaker 1: it's a lot of little vignettes.
Speaker 2: And yeah, that's probably I'm gonna guess, because this tells
Speaker 2: me it's probably a little better.
Speaker 1: He's the most performed playwright living playwright because he makes
Speaker 1: everything public domain. Just he says, to do my play
Speaker 1: is for free. I don't care.
Speaker 2: That's definitely a good call. We produced a show once
Speaker 2: we were just talking about this was a Clive Barker play, okay,
Speaker 2: called Frankenstein and Love. I look back at that and went, oh, no,
Speaker 2: there's a lot of problems there. But Clive Barker knew
Speaker 2: that it was so difficult to do that. The rights
Speaker 2: were a dollar.
Speaker 1: Oh good luck.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean honestly, he's like, have fun, that's the
Speaker 2: way that so much blood.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's like you got to buy all these wedding
Speaker 1: dresses and cover them in blood. It's a dollar.
Speaker 2: So many parts, so many baby parts. We were calling
Speaker 2: a place called Dapper Cadaver Ordering the Dismemberment Special.
Speaker 1: There have you really? Yeah, there's one in in the
Speaker 1: Valley in Los Angeles and that's where you're from. You Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: I've been there. It's crazy. It's a wild wild it's impressive.
Speaker 2: Like I can only imagine going in there.
Speaker 1: I can't remember why. Oh, we were renting a coffin
Speaker 1: or for a sketch, like you do. We were shooting
Speaker 1: a sketch that was it was a three sixty video POV.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, of you being the person in the you
Speaker 1: being the dead person. Nope, absolutely in the coffin. And
Speaker 1: then it was this like this parade of your family
Speaker 1: members and ex girlfriend or whatever all showing up and
Speaker 1: like it's confessing horrible things and crying and you know,
Speaker 1: it's just this shit show funeral.
Speaker 2: That I'm here for. That just not the lowering into
Speaker 2: the ground park. Let's not do that.
Speaker 1: No, No, that wasn't in there. I mean the I
Speaker 1: was the creepy priest and there was a closing of
Speaker 1: the coffin at the end of it. But but yeah,
Speaker 1: that's why that's why we went to the African Ever.
Speaker 2: Yeap, it would just had people non on arms and things.
Speaker 1: A lot of severed limbs, aliens and yep, it's really
Speaker 1: impressive what they do there. This episode is brought to
Speaker 1: you by Dapper cad.
Speaker 2: Ever sponsors daper could Ever.
Speaker 1: Let's play a little bit of a first, first, last, best, worst.
Speaker 1: Let's yes, why don't we do worsts and we do
Speaker 1: all we run through the gamut of worst. All right,
Speaker 1: let's go, okay, so worst job.
Speaker 2: Okay, see now there's there's like a tie faction, right.
Speaker 2: It's gonna have to probably be my first one though,
Speaker 2: because it was telemarketing, and it was telemarketing to businesses
Speaker 2: across the country selling ads with PSAs attached for their
Speaker 2: local radio station. So like I'm calling Decatur, Georgia, going
Speaker 2: through the Yellow Pages and there's a book of like.
Speaker 1: Of p s.
Speaker 2: As you know, back to school is like safety and
Speaker 2: domestic abuse is real popular right now. And then you've
Speaker 2: got here's the ad for an automotive company, here's the
Speaker 2: ad for and you're going to read this whole fucking
Speaker 2: thing if you can get to it. And I am
Speaker 2: fifteen years old, you know, windowless, smoke filled office of
Speaker 2: harassment and bad coffee.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I can smell that office right now, right, I
Speaker 1: can taste it, you can. Yeah. And also there's just
Speaker 1: like depression in the air.
Speaker 2: Oh oh, it's yellowing the walls more than the smoke,
Speaker 2: like it's and then you're writing your your sales on
Speaker 2: a whiteboard. You know it's got this sad Glengarry Glenn
Speaker 2: Ross with none of the wealth. Right, you know you're
Speaker 2: selling Phoenix, Arizona. And you're like, and that's brought to
Speaker 2: you by Mike's Auto Supply. Where service is more than
Speaker 2: a word, it's a fact. It's a fact based on
Speaker 2: the care replace and satisfying each one of our customers,
Speaker 2: Like you're going to get through that whole thing, oh man.
Speaker 2: And then and you're like, who, Mike, that was a mouthful.
Speaker 2: So what do you say you got thirty seconds for
Speaker 2: four ninety nine?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean it's it.
Speaker 2: I didn't have a lot of a soul left at
Speaker 2: that point, and there wasn't much to squash. But I
Speaker 2: did start drinking coffee, I started drinking alcohol. I mean
Speaker 2: it wasn't too far behind. And then I started a
Speaker 2: second job at a casual corner at the mall. But
Speaker 2: I had to keep all of my clothes for it
Speaker 2: upstairs and keep my hair tightly pulled back because of
Speaker 2: the smoke smell. I wouldn't show up. Reeking Corner, Oh,
Speaker 2: casual corner is a place in Amal where when you
Speaker 2: pick out an item of clothing, I have to find
Speaker 2: you ten items to mix ayat with that.
Speaker 1: Wow, you get all the outfits, so many shoulder at
Speaker 1: the ads. Yeah, sounds kind of like a blouse barn
Speaker 1: or something.
Speaker 2: It's I got blouse barn a slack stand.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it could be sort of a khaki corner too.
Speaker 2: I dressed deeple.
Speaker 1: How long did you last at the at the telemarketing job?
Speaker 2: Longer than I should have a couple of years. And
Speaker 2: they let me take the job to college. I was
Speaker 2: able to take phone books with me from these places
Speaker 2: to college, so I could make some extra money as
Speaker 2: though anyway, and I have to record when I'm selling,
Speaker 2: like you know, with a tape recording. Tell me you're
Speaker 2: doing it?
Speaker 1: Wow?
Speaker 2: Yeah I didn't. I didn't sell anything.
Speaker 1: We're are those tapes now?
Speaker 2: I don't know. I'm concerned I should find them. I
Speaker 2: could not sell the South, No, I could sell some
Speaker 2: of the South. I had to fake an accent I
Speaker 2: could not sell the West Coast. To save my life,
Speaker 2: I could say I could sell the East Coast. I
Speaker 2: talked too fast. I had to change my name. My
Speaker 2: maiden name is Foyerstein.
Speaker 1: Uh huh.
Speaker 2: I knew that people around the country would not like that.
Speaker 1: That's yeah, that's a depressing fact. Yep.
Speaker 2: So I had to be Corey Peters.
Speaker 1: I thought you were. I feel like a lot of times,
Speaker 1: especially with Indian telemarketers, they choose like president's names to
Speaker 1: be like and then I'm John Adams and you know,
Speaker 1: it's like, it's not okay.
Speaker 2: Why'd you pick that one? I mean I could say
Speaker 2: that for any president you choose why why that one?
Speaker 1: I'm Tyler Polk. Wait it was Tyler Polk. Is his
Speaker 1: name Tyler?
Speaker 2: Or is it j James James K Polk?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I was. But the president before Polk was was Tyler.
Speaker 1: I think that's why combined Tyler Polk, Taylor, and Fillmore
Speaker 1: that's my those are my names.
Speaker 2: I'm John F taft are you? I don't think that's right?
Speaker 1: Washington and Adams, Jefferson and Madison that is that's me. Okay,
Speaker 1: So that's the worst. That was the worst job.
Speaker 2: Now I was also a singing, dancing waiter on a
Speaker 2: cruise ship on the Spirit of Chicago, and you knew
Speaker 2: it was time for the show when our black and
Speaker 2: white best got flipped around to be golden.
Speaker 1: Mat Oh, Mama, that sounds like the best job.
Speaker 2: I mean, it kind of was for a little while.
Speaker 2: I can't lie.
Speaker 1: I've also been a singing waiter, and I definitely enjoyed
Speaker 1: my time. I enjoyed the singing aspect of the waiting.
Speaker 1: I liked the singing part more than the serving. Oh
Speaker 1: there was there was this one guy. I worked at
Speaker 1: this restaurant called c Ando Tratoria in uh In, Venice,
Speaker 1: and they come around once a night or twice a
Speaker 1: night and we sing That's amore, and all the waiters
Speaker 1: come around with glasses and they cheers the gas basically
Speaker 1: to get them to drink more. But we're all drinking
Speaker 1: diet coke or whatever, like we're not, you know, drinking wine.
Speaker 1: And then when we would sing Happy Birthday, we'd sing
Speaker 1: it in Italian. I'm remember the first time I went
Speaker 1: out to sing it. I went up and I did
Speaker 1: the harmony, and this waiter came back and he was
Speaker 1: like he had been there a while, and he was like, hey,
Speaker 1: did you do the Do you do the high harmony
Speaker 1: on the on the Happy Birthday? And I was like,
Speaker 1: oh yeah. He was like, that's my harmony. Oh and
Speaker 1: I was like what. He's like, yeah, that's uh I
Speaker 1: do the high harmony. And I was like, that's okay,
Speaker 1: get the get the fuck out of my note, Get
Speaker 1: the fuck off my harmony faces and I was like, well,
Speaker 1: it's not yours. It's a harmony and belongs to the universe,
Speaker 1: so fuck off.
Speaker 2: Fine, I'll find a fifth What do you think about that?
Speaker 2: Come in, don't. I will dissonant the fuck out of
Speaker 2: this court.
Speaker 1: Watch. I just keep trying to one up each other
Speaker 1: and get.
Speaker 2: Till one of you just suddenly makes it minor and
Speaker 2: you're like, ah.
Speaker 1: God, really, I will butcher that Italian version of happy Birthdays. Gross.
Speaker 2: It's dark.
Speaker 1: It's real dark.
Speaker 2: I feel sad.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I did slaughter so many pop too, so that
Speaker 2: I can't hear anymore without like thinking of a lot
Speaker 2: of three pointer turns or like clapping with the mic
Speaker 2: in your hand, just clapping your wrist.
Speaker 1: Okay, so that's the worst job. Let's go to let's
Speaker 1: go worst kiss.
Speaker 2: Oh, yeah, it was.
Speaker 1: It was an early one and I feel like it
Speaker 1: was the last one that I had.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it was. It was just in the other room.
Speaker 2: And I don't know how to tell my husband. He's
Speaker 2: terrible at this. I had just moved to Melrose Park
Speaker 2: and you know, like so I think I had like
Speaker 2: a neighborhood boyfriend for a second, you know, and as
Speaker 2: new kid, that was exciting. Was before like I started
Speaker 2: school and I thought he was so nice.
Speaker 1: How old are we we are?
Speaker 2: Let's see, we're like thirteen fourteen, Okay.
Speaker 1: So eighth grade is middle school too? High school?
Speaker 2: Like yeah, into high school like not first ever, but
Speaker 2: like first like I feel grown up now kind of thing.
Speaker 2: You know, I had middle school boyfriends.
Speaker 1: Yea.
Speaker 2: So I was like, you know, I'm new kid, this
Speaker 2: is adult time now, so okay, like yeah, and then yeah,
Speaker 2: I was bad. I avoided him. I did not want
Speaker 2: to see him anymore because it was like a labrador
Speaker 2: just really loved your face and too much. It's a
Speaker 2: little demigorgonesque. Just it's a lot going on, like just
Speaker 2: the whole face. And I was like, ah, that was bad.
Speaker 2: I did not, like I'm so damp on my face.
Speaker 1: Full towel wipe down after that?
Speaker 2: How did you do that? How did you even enclose
Speaker 2: your mouth?
Speaker 1: Like I unhinge my jaw. That's like my move, that's
Speaker 1: what that's like my specialty.
Speaker 2: You know, I'm just gonna swallow you hole like Diana
Speaker 2: taking down a hamster and v like.
Speaker 1: Have you ever seen Blade two? That's kind of that's
Speaker 1: what I do. My lower jaw is kind of just.
Speaker 2: I thought he was such a nice kid too, and
Speaker 2: I was like I and I kept avoiding him, and
Speaker 2: he's like asking my friends, like where is she? She's
Speaker 2: not around. I don't know where she is. Like I
Speaker 2: totally chickened out. I did not tell him like I
Speaker 2: can't kiss stuff.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you don't want to break his you know, his young,
Speaker 1: fragile heart.
Speaker 2: I know, And but I did anyway by completely avoiding
Speaker 2: him forever.
Speaker 1: But that may have been the better move than the
Speaker 1: brutal honesty of him being a terrible But who knows,
Speaker 1: maybe he'd kept kissing like that to this day. Maybe
Speaker 1: nobody's told him.
Speaker 2: Maybe so no one was just like, you know, shook
Speaker 2: themselves off like a dog after a bath.
Speaker 1: Why is my hair wet?
Speaker 2: How did you do that.
Speaker 1: Jesus.
Speaker 2: I mean, his breath wasn't horrible, so at least there
Speaker 2: was that. But I mean, but since I was wearing
Speaker 2: it can smell your teeth.
Speaker 1: Okay, so that it's the worst kiss for sure. Okay,
Speaker 1: let's do one more. Let's say, what about party? Is
Speaker 1: worst party a possible one?
Speaker 2: I mean there's always a bad party, right, Like there's
Speaker 2: there's the party that I lied to my mother that
Speaker 2: I said I wasn't going to that I went to.
Speaker 2: You know that my mother, who never locked the door
Speaker 2: in Melrose Park, locked the door because she knew I
Speaker 2: was going to come home, like because she knew I
Speaker 2: was gonna lie. You know, right where I tried to
Speaker 2: drink beer with college kids and threw up a lot.
Speaker 2: Here we go with the throwing up, I would say
Speaker 2: because of the aftermath. No, that wasn't the one I
Speaker 2: threw that was pretty bad. But in college there was
Speaker 2: one across the street that I went to, and I
Speaker 2: think the party itself was fine, maybe, but I.
Speaker 1: It was my behavior that was.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's when I woke up covered in my own vomit.
Speaker 2: That was like that that's bad. That's not good. Oh no, no, No,
Speaker 2: the one that I threw. I wound up crying at
Speaker 2: the end. Okay, So so we decided to throw a party. Yeah,
Speaker 2: and you know, we had a terrible apartment.
Speaker 1: And this is in college. Yeah, okay.
Speaker 2: And there's the guy who always made the yellow shots
Speaker 2: at his parties, right, like, those dude's yellow shots are legendary.
Speaker 2: Our standards were so low, and he gave me his recipe.
Speaker 1: Right. Also, kids, now don't understand that when we used
Speaker 1: to have edibles at parties, you had no idea how
Speaker 1: much weed was in them. Now everything's so like scientifically
Speaker 1: dosed out and you know exactly how much. But you
Speaker 1: would eat a brownie and just be like, well, good luck,
Speaker 1: good luck to me. Who knows that could have been
Speaker 1: a pound of weed in that thing. I don't know.
Speaker 2: I might be in the hospital. I really don't know.
Speaker 2: I just took ecstasy from someone in a bathroom at
Speaker 2: a club in London.
Speaker 1: Hope I live, right, I did? Yeah?
Speaker 2: So true. I remember like guarding all of the poppers
Speaker 2: for people to do the nightdress at parties. I'm like, well,
Speaker 2: how many of you had and when's the last time
Speaker 2: you had one? Well, no, you're not.
Speaker 1: How much oxygen have you breathed in between nineties.
Speaker 2: I can't have you brain damaged in this thing.
Speaker 1: You've got to breathe some more oxygen. Take a little
Speaker 1: oxygen break.
Speaker 2: I'll come back around.
Speaker 1: So weird. Every high school party I went to there
Speaker 1: was a nose tank, and I was just like, this
Speaker 1: is normal, this is what we do.
Speaker 2: Why that's wrong with us?
Speaker 1: So dumb?
Speaker 2: We had to go to the adult bookstore to ask Cartridges,
Speaker 2: like what the fuck? Well, I mean the fact that
Speaker 2: those are even there, Like, we didn't know this is normal.
Speaker 2: So the dude, to his credit, was like, you want
Speaker 2: to make the first batch really strong to warn everyone
Speaker 2: so they act accordingly, And I was like, cool, good,
Speaker 2: good to know. He was talking about vodka, and I
Speaker 2: made them with ever Clear because I was college sophomore
Speaker 2: trash Yeah, in addition to buying a brand new trash
Speaker 2: can to make punch in.
Speaker 1: That's that's kind that you at least got a new
Speaker 1: one that you didn't just like wash out the old one.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I thought that would Yeah, I'd like it.
Speaker 2: And the universe was like, don't drink because every time
Speaker 2: I tried the first time I put my cup in
Speaker 2: the punch thing there was a hole in my cup.
Speaker 2: The second time, someone was walking upstairs and literally kicked
Speaker 2: my cup out of my hand, Like the fuck man,
Speaker 2: I did wind up. No, that didn't happen yet. It
Speaker 2: wasn't to my junior yar that I threw up so
Speaker 2: hard at peed. That was that was later, but I did.
Speaker 2: There was some some dude I liked who wasn't there
Speaker 2: or interested or something.
Speaker 1: Who can say.
Speaker 2: And I'm newly on birth control and out of my
Speaker 2: mind on hormones. I have no idea what's wrong with me.
Speaker 2: And I'm just sobbing outside by myself and the most pathetic,
Speaker 2: hilarious moment. And I knew it at the time, but
Speaker 2: it just gets funnier to me as I get older.
Speaker 2: Is I felt an arm around my waist to comfort
Speaker 2: me as I cried, and I was like, oh, and
Speaker 2: I look at it. It's just a stray cat wrapping itself. Oh,
Speaker 2: probably giving me fleas. And I was like, of course
Speaker 2: you're not a person.
Speaker 1: But thanks for being here.
Speaker 2: That's really nice of you. My friend came to visit,
Speaker 2: passed out in my bed, had the kid. Oh it
Speaker 2: was a TI die party too, because we're very stupid and.
Speaker 1: Wait, were you wear tie things or were you were
Speaker 1: tie dyeing thing? What a mess with you get super
Speaker 1: drunk and then like play with die?
Speaker 2: Yeah, and let's have the Fiddler from the current production
Speaker 2: Fiddler on the Roof put his head in the die sink. No,
Speaker 2: like just smiling, going DK no, wait.
Speaker 1: It's not going to come out. No it didn't.
Speaker 2: So I think just for the sheer train wreck that
Speaker 2: I was, I'll call that. I'll call that the worst one.
Speaker 1: I love that. I love that respecond of it. Well,
Speaker 1: I mean, is there any moral to all of these stories?
Speaker 1: Is there some through line, some thread that we can
Speaker 1: tie it all together?
Speaker 2: Uh, just don't be trash, like, don't try not to
Speaker 2: be a complete mess at these things, and maybe it
Speaker 2: won't be terrible.
Speaker 1: Yeah. And so you never know where where love will
Speaker 1: will rear its head, whether it's a future husband or
Speaker 1: a straight cat.
Speaker 2: You don't know. You don't know who's out there ready
Speaker 2: to love you. It could be Satan lady, it could
Speaker 2: be your future husband. Yeah, you know, I will say
Speaker 2: on a random party, I was waiting tables and I
Speaker 2: was training, So all the tips, you know, go to
Speaker 2: the person that's training you, right, right, on your last
Speaker 2: they're shadowing you on the list I had. The last
Speaker 2: table was a table full of drunken British businessmen, and
Speaker 2: they were right, and they were closing down the place.
Speaker 2: They were incensed when they found out that the tips
Speaker 2: were not going to me. I'm like, it's fine, this
Speaker 2: is just how it works.
Speaker 1: No love, no love, a bang up job. No, it's
Speaker 1: got to go to you.
Speaker 2: It's brilliant, a brilliant and this is this is absolute,
Speaker 2: absolute rubbish.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: So he's like, what are you doing Saturday nine. I'm like,
Speaker 2: I am not going anywhere with you. He's like no, no, no, no, no, no,
Speaker 2: no no, and he hands me three temporary tattoos and
Speaker 2: he says, I want you to take these. These are
Speaker 2: your tickets to this party, okay, And I'm like, a,
Speaker 2: sure they are, but I called to you my friends.
Speaker 2: I'm like, here's something that could be a complete mess.
Speaker 2: And so we put the tattoos on and sure enough,
Speaker 2: it's a big party for their software company in the
Speaker 2: middle of Soldier Field with a giant tent and fireworks
Speaker 2: with Donna Summer and Blood, Sweat and Tears performing Oh
Speaker 2: My Yead and they're like, look, it's a waitress for
Speaker 2: the other night.
Speaker 1: What a fun? What a fun?
Speaker 2: Uh?
Speaker 1: If screw wristbands, temporary tattoos are way better, like ticket
Speaker 1: to the party, way better.
Speaker 2: More fun. Probably somehow economically friendly or environmentally friendly. Yeah,
Speaker 2: maybe not. I don't know, but we're doing that.
Speaker 1: I like it, Yeah, I love it.
Speaker 2: Be open, Try not to get too messy.
Speaker 1: That's that's it, right there, Be open, try not to
Speaker 1: get too messy. That's it. I'm gonna I want that
Speaker 1: on a poster hanging in my office. Yeah, with a
Speaker 1: stray cat and and a homeless woman, and like a
Speaker 1: handsome Captain America.
Speaker 2: Yes, it's like a kitten in a tree.
Speaker 1: Pushing a Yeah, Captain America is like throwing a shield
Speaker 1: right at the unhoused woman. Yeah. Yeah, but she's got
Speaker 1: Satan powers. She's gonna be an awesome If anybody listening
Speaker 1: is a graphic designer wants to make we will post it.
Speaker 1: We will post it to our Instagram. Please send it.
Speaker 2: I will sell it on my merchhop and make sure
Speaker 2: you get all of the prosins.
Speaker 1: Please. Awesome. Well, Corbette, thank you so very much.
Speaker 2: Thank you for having me. I appreciate it.
Speaker 1: Well, that about does it. For this week's episode of
Speaker 1: Hashtag story Time. Thanks again to Corbett for making time
Speaker 1: to come on the pod. Head on down to the
Speaker 1: description for all of those sweet sweet links. Take a
Speaker 1: second right now and hit subscribe so you don't miss
Speaker 1: next week's episode. We've got a fable family EP coming
Speaker 1: at you, so give us a call at the Storytime
Speaker 1: hotline three two, three, seven, four one eighteen seventy three
Speaker 1: and tell us your story and we'll put you in
Speaker 1: the next episode. Seriously, give us a call. I dare
Speaker 1: you do it? Also, if you're enjoying the podcast, please
Speaker 1: leave us a review. It helps us out a lot
Speaker 1: and I literally read every single one. Hashtag Storytime is
Speaker 1: produced by iHeartRadio and Curativity Productions, Hosted by Will McFadden,
Speaker 1: Sound designed by Tony maddox, written by Will McFadden and
Speaker 1: Jason Shapiro, Produced by Jason Shapiro and Daniellamrame. Song by
Speaker 1: Scott Simonds MHM