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Speaker 1: Potting Potty. Hello, everybody, are you starting it or I'm

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Speaker 1: starting it? It's starting Britney. Why don't you start the

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Speaker 1: podcast today?

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Speaker 2: That feels like a lot of pressure. Maybe on the

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Speaker 2: next one.

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Speaker 3: Wow.

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Speaker 1: You know, sometimes opportunity presents itself in life and you

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Speaker 1: have to be ready to jump in. You can't say no,

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Speaker 1: thank you for the opportunity. Maybe next time. But fine,

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Speaker 1: we're here. This is an IRL takeaway. We are slowly

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Speaker 1: getting back into the groove here at IRL Podcasts. It

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Speaker 1: is me Angie Martinez, your host. It is Brittany our

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Speaker 1: executive producer. And yeah, we just kind of slowly have

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Speaker 1: been getting back into the groove. Shout out to our

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Speaker 1: first back, which is Lauren Rdinger, who just put out

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Speaker 1: a book called Scrambled or Sunnyside Up about her journey

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Speaker 1: through grief and back and well not really because if

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Speaker 1: you let her tell it, there there's no back from grief.

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Speaker 1: Grief is like forever, which kind of is sad but

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Speaker 1: also kind of I don't know, freeing, I'm sure to

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Speaker 1: somebody who's in the middle of grief, like, it doesn't

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Speaker 1: go away, but you learn to live with it, right,

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Speaker 1: And she operates at a high level, even at some

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Speaker 1: of the lowest points in her life. So that was

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Speaker 1: our first episode back. But yeah, there's a lot going

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Speaker 1: on in the world, lots of up and downs. Everybody

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Speaker 1: I know is either I don't know, stressed out or worried,

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Speaker 1: or there's just all kinds of crazy things going on

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Speaker 1: in the world. We're all just trying to survive and

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Speaker 1: trying to stay as positive and joyful and all all

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Speaker 1: those things. So I think IRL is gonna be really

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Speaker 1: important now, not just for you guys, but for me too,

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Speaker 1: because we all need it. I enjoy these conversations. I

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Speaker 1: actually had a moment during this conversation with Lauren that

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Speaker 1: really resonated with me when she asked me how I

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Speaker 1: felt a scale of one to ten and was I

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Speaker 1: was unprepared to answer, but I did.

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Speaker 2: And what about you? What about you?

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Speaker 4: When you ask yourself, you have to ask yourself the

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Speaker 4: same question.

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Speaker 1: You were going to ask me.

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Speaker 4: No, I'm asking you it again. I'm not letting you

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Speaker 4: off the hook.

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Speaker 1: I'm uncertain about the I feel it, very uncertain about

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Speaker 1: the world, my place in it. Am I doing what

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Speaker 1: I'm supposed to be doing. I'm normally really confident in

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Speaker 1: what I'm doing. And I don't know right now if

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Speaker 1: I've figured out what the pivot is for me right now,

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Speaker 1: if I think it's normal. I think I operated a

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Speaker 1: seven and I have days that I'm like, I did

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Speaker 1: great mood. I'm in eight, nines, even tens. Is you

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Speaker 1: know that's like the best times of life, like you know,

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Speaker 1: we save it for that. But I operate mostly out

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Speaker 1: of seven. I think, so being at a five is

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Speaker 1: not comfortable.

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Speaker 4: But I think part of it is that you got

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Speaker 4: to separate the two a little bit. You got to

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Speaker 4: separate the two a little bit and to put the

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Speaker 4: ANGI personal aside. You your family life, your home life,

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Speaker 4: what makes you happy there at home is a different

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Speaker 4: number than where you are in your professional mind and

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Speaker 4: where you're going.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, that moment, I don't know it really res a.

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Speaker 1: I literally was thinking about this for days after the

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Speaker 1: podcast and still today, I don't know. My real life

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Speaker 1: and my work kind of blend together. So it kind

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Speaker 1: of like I only have one number because I think

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Speaker 1: I don't separate work and personal. I mean, I do

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Speaker 1: have a personal life that I don't always put public

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Speaker 1: and I and I do have a family and I'm

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Speaker 1: a mom and all those things, but my happy number

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Speaker 1: is kind of all wrapped up in all of it.

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Speaker 1: And I love the idea of separating your personal life

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Speaker 1: number versus your career and work and purpose number. I

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Speaker 1: don't know, so that was important for me to hear

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Speaker 1: that day because I am happy in my in my

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Speaker 1: home and my family and my real life. But yeah,

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Speaker 1: work in the world has been just kind of.

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Speaker 2: What's the benefits though, of separating the.

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Speaker 1: Two because you can check in with yourself better because

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Speaker 1: if you if you say, if you just have one number,

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Speaker 1: then it's like, oh, I'm at a five, and then

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Speaker 1: your just things are not good. Whereas you could say

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Speaker 1: to myself, I could say to myself, actually personally, I'm

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Speaker 1: like an eight, but in like in like my work

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Speaker 1: mode because of and it's and it's combined a little

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Speaker 1: bit with the world and culture and all of that,

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Speaker 1: I'm at a four. Then I could say to myself, Okay,

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Speaker 1: what is it about that? Let me fix that, and

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Speaker 1: I don't have to carry it into my personal feelings.

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Speaker 1: Does that make sense?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it helps you. It's like looking at the cup,

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Speaker 2: what is it? Half full? Is half full instead of

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Speaker 2: half empty? Type?

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Speaker 1: But also it's like you could monitor it, like wait

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Speaker 1: a minute, you could just check in a little more

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Speaker 1: clearly with yourself, like she was saying, like, if you

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Speaker 1: monitor it this week from next week, if my personal

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Speaker 1: number has dropped and my work number has significantly increased,

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Speaker 1: I could I can look at that and say, Okay,

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Speaker 1: what happened there, what worked, what didn't work?

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Speaker 4: Uh?

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Speaker 1: And if something is bringing me down, whether it's personally

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Speaker 1: or a career or work wise, I could be mindful

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Speaker 1: of that.

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Speaker 5: I get scared about splitting up those numbers though, because

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Speaker 5: I feel like work distracts you so much. So like

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Speaker 5: if I'm saying, oh, I'm a ten at work, it's

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Speaker 5: like giving you an excuse to be distracted, no feeling.

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Speaker 1: Well, that was one of the points too, is you

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Speaker 1: can't ignore the other thing. You have to be honest

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Speaker 1: about it. You can't because you can't dive into work

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Speaker 1: and ignore how you feel emotionally or personally or anything.

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Speaker 1: You can, but at least be aware I'm diving into

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Speaker 1: work because I can't deal with that right now, not blindly.

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Speaker 1: Like you still got to come back to your three

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Speaker 1: or your zero or your one, and you still got

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Speaker 1: to give it the time some time, But you don't

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Speaker 1: have to be lost or buried in that zero or one.

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Speaker 1: You can still get up and do something for yourself,

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Speaker 1: whether it's work or whatever. Your thing is working out

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Speaker 1: something that distracts you from being in a bad place.

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Speaker 1: And sometimes I don't know. I think it's a fine line.

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Speaker 1: I think if something makes you get up, great. I

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Speaker 1: know we get afraid to be like a workaholic and

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Speaker 1: not deal with your true things. But as long as

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Speaker 1: you are in fact dealing with your true things, I

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Speaker 1: don't think there's anything wrong with letting your letting your

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Speaker 1: work pull you out of a dark place. And if

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Speaker 1: you're in a dark place, I'm trying to get out

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Speaker 1: of there by any means necessary, if it means I

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Speaker 1: got to be a workaholic, if it means I gotta

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Speaker 1: go do charity work. And when we say work, sometimes

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Speaker 1: people don't have a job like it could be charity work.

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Speaker 1: Whatever the thing is that you bury yourself in to

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Speaker 1: feel better or to like you know, take yourself out

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Speaker 1: of that dark place, I say yes. I say yes

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Speaker 1: to that.

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Speaker 5: On that note of doing whatever you need to do

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Speaker 5: to take yourself out of that dark place. I spoke

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Speaker 5: to later in this episode, you mentioned your friend, yes, Yvette,

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Speaker 5: who lost her son. Yeah, and she is now in

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Speaker 5: her new life, the owner of a holistic wellness center

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Speaker 5: called Evil Wellness, and a grief expert.

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Speaker 1: And keep in mind, everybody, my friend e Vet, we've

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Speaker 1: been friends from decades, right, A couple of years ago,

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Speaker 1: she lost her son. I think it's four years now, right,

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Speaker 1: so that's still pretty recent for that type of trauma.

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Speaker 1: She lost her twenty six year old son, who is

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Speaker 1: was her She was a single mom for many, many years,

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Speaker 1: so she raised in by herself. We used to work together,

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Speaker 1: and like everything she did was for her son. She's

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Speaker 1: one of those moms. So I'm just trying to paint

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Speaker 1: the picture of how how devastating this moment was for

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Speaker 1: her and for her family, and she found the way out,

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Speaker 1: and her way out was to I mean, she did

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Speaker 1: a lot of healing things, and we'll share some of

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Speaker 1: her story, but another way out was, like now that

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Speaker 1: she's on somewhat on the other side of this, is

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Speaker 1: to help other people through their grief. She decided to

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Speaker 1: be a grief counselor and she has her est what

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Speaker 1: the hell is that word? Bard name?

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Speaker 2: That's an esthetician license.

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Speaker 1: See, that's why you could be a good host. She

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Speaker 1: has that license. So she's created this place where she

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Speaker 1: does facials and she does reiki and all these this

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Speaker 1: wellness exercises, and she does grief counseling. So that's who

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Speaker 1: I was referring to in my conversation with Lauren. Did

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Speaker 1: we play the clip of when I was referring to her?

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Speaker 2: We can play it now.

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Speaker 1: My very good friend, he Vett, lost her son at

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Speaker 1: he was twenty six years old. He died unexpected unexpectedly

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Speaker 1: from a cardiac arrest. It's just a couple of years

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Speaker 1: ago too, not that long ago. It's heartbreaking, heartbreaking. But

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Speaker 1: she still checks when they say how many children do

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Speaker 1: you have? Because she also has a daughter. She still

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Speaker 1: writes two children. I have two children. I would write

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Speaker 1: the same thing. She still has two children. She says

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Speaker 1: he's he transitioned. That's what she says. He's transitioned. He

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Speaker 1: is no longer here in physical form, but she still

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Speaker 1: has him.

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Speaker 4: She's still And that's beautiful that she says that, and

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Speaker 4: that I would write that too.

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Speaker 1: Lauren talks about not wanting to check the box widow,

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Speaker 1: and I said, she still checks married, and Yvette, who

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Speaker 1: lost her son and she also has a living daughter,

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Speaker 1: still checks two children when filling out forms. And Brittany

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Speaker 1: actually spoke to Yvette about this episode and she had

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Speaker 1: some thoughts too.

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Speaker 5: Right, yes, So instead of even though Yvette says that

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Speaker 5: she's a mother of two her daughter at the time,

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Speaker 5: when people ask her if she has a sibling, her

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Speaker 5: daughter actually says that she's an only child. And this

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Speaker 5: is how Yvet explained it.

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Speaker 6: It's funny because my daughter doesn't like to talk about

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Speaker 6: her brother in that way. So for instance, where I

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Speaker 6: say I have two children, my daughter will say she's

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Speaker 6: the only child. And I asked her, why do you

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Speaker 6: do that? And she said to me, Mom, don't want

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Speaker 6: I don't welcome anyone's unwarranted sympathy. So to explain that

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Speaker 6: I lost my brother when I was eleven years old,

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Speaker 6: I would have to explain my relationship with him, what happened.

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Speaker 6: And it's not that I don't want to talk about him.

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Speaker 6: It hurts to but it just hurts because he's gone.

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Speaker 6: I don't want to have to get all the oohs

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Speaker 6: and the ohs and the looks and the sympathy. And

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Speaker 6: I'm so sorry, And that is what I don't know

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Speaker 6: how to react to. Right with that respect, the fact

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Speaker 6: that she's able to understand, to like just articulate what

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Speaker 6: is difficult in her grief journey versus what she's willing to,

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Speaker 6: you know, to deal with in her grief journey. And

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Speaker 6: I have to give her grace and I have to

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Speaker 6: give her space to deal with it the way that

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Speaker 6: she wants to deal with it.

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Speaker 2: I love that.

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Speaker 1: I know she's such a good mom. She's a good mom,

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Speaker 1: she's a great grief great grief counselor she's a great friend.

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Speaker 1: She's a great mom. I shouldn't say she's a good mom.

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Speaker 5: And yeah, I'm really fascinated by that though, because like

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Speaker 5: when Lauren said, you know, we don't we shun young kids,

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Speaker 5: like no, don't go to the funeral or pop hoop

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Speaker 5: is is not here right now, Like there's so many

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Speaker 5: imaginative things that we say to hide kids from that,

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Speaker 5: but you're just prolonging the pain.

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Speaker 2: Why not let them? And Laurence says similar said in

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Speaker 2: the interview with Lauren London, she has similar feelings about

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Speaker 2: it too, because she was like.

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Speaker 1: You gotta crossed. Yeah, she's what did she say about Cross.

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Speaker 5: That that Cross like saw her, saw her sad, saw

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Speaker 5: her crime she could tell that they knew their mom

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Speaker 5: was sad.

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Speaker 2: You can't. There's no way that. Yeah, there's no way.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. Wow, you know being a mom is real.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, because you gotta deal with your own stuff and

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Speaker 3: you gotta deal with the stuff of your children and

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Speaker 3: still somehow protect your children while you're trying to survive yourself.

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Speaker 1: Shout out to all the moms out there.

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Speaker 5: Word love on your mom and appreciate your mond.

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Speaker 1: By the way, can we play the clip when we're

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Speaker 1: talking about motherhood because this is one of my favorite

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Speaker 1: moments of the episode. Right, Lauren says, there's things that

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Speaker 1: you don't they don't tell you about being a mother.

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Speaker 1: Number one, you don't get another, you don't get to

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Speaker 1: sleep well at night because you're always worried about your kid.

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Speaker 1: That is so true. And number two here I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: play her second one, which I think is a super

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Speaker 1: interesting take on motherhood.

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Speaker 4: Nobody tells you from the time your child's born you

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Speaker 4: will never have a peaceful night sleep. Ever, as long

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Speaker 4: as you have children, it is the most beautiful love yet.

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Speaker 5: Yeah.

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Speaker 4: Torment tormenting and sometimes unrewarding, and that's been a hard

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Speaker 4: lesson for me in my life, one of the hardest.

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Speaker 1: It's not a two way relationship. It's not.

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Speaker 4: It's not, and nobody wants to say that it's not

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Speaker 4: a two way. Yes we get fulfillment from our kids.

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Speaker 4: Yes we our kids love us, they would do anything

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Speaker 4: for us.

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Speaker 2: But yet they don't.

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Speaker 4: Realize that the sacrifices we make as parents along the

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Speaker 4: way and it's not their job to fill hours. So

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Speaker 4: for the rest of your life, if you go through

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Speaker 4: your life knowing that it's only your job to fill

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Speaker 4: up their cup and you don't expect anything in return,

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Speaker 4: it will be the most beautiful relationship ever.

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Speaker 1: Yo. I felt that so deeply, and a lot of

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Speaker 1: people did too, because the comments on it were very

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Speaker 1: strong and what I liked about some of the comments

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Speaker 1: shout out to Tahiri I saw to hear me in

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Speaker 1: the comments. She said she was like, Wow, I'm not

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Speaker 1: a mom, but this made me think about how my

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Speaker 1: mother might feel in a different way. I never thought

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Speaker 1: about this from my mother's perspective in this way, like

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Speaker 1: she must feel like you know what I mean. She

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Speaker 1: just never thought about her mom that way. I love

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Speaker 1: that that you didn't have to be a mother to

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Speaker 1: understand that you could be a daughter or a son

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Speaker 1: and realize it's hard for your mom. Yeah, your mom

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Speaker 1: sacrifices for you, puts your you in front of her

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Speaker 1: all the time.

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Speaker 5: Forever, forever, doesn't matter if your my mom would be like,

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Speaker 5: I don't care if you're seventy years old.

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Speaker 2: You're still gonna be my baby.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, that's what it is, and it's and it's it's

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Speaker 1: amazing and it's beautiful. And we always hear about oh,

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Speaker 1: it's so great to be a mom, but we don't

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Speaker 1: Nobody really talks about the disappointment when you realize, oh, shoot,

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Speaker 1: this is like kind of one way. And it don't

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Speaker 1: mean your kids don't love you.

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Speaker 2: Your kids love Yeah, of course kids love you.

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Speaker 1: Of course they adore you, and hopefully when you get

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Speaker 1: old and you need somebody to take care of you,

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Speaker 1: they'll take care of you.

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Speaker 2: Fingers cross.

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Speaker 1: But it's still different. It's still a different type of

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Speaker 1: love that a parent to a child. It is not

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Speaker 1: a two way street in that way.

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Speaker 2: I don't think there's anything more selfless.

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Speaker 1: Because you're you're not a mother, no, no, but had

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Speaker 1: you ever think what about that thought? Ever?

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Speaker 2: No, No, nobody sits you down AND's like, hey, by

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Speaker 2: the way, you might never hear thank you.

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Speaker 1: It's no, I don't think that's the message. You will.

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Speaker 1: By the way, you should hear thank you, and you

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Speaker 1: should remind your kids to say things right.

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Speaker 2: But it's the point words job.

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Speaker 1: It's not their job to fill your cup. To me means,

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Speaker 1: you know, if I'm sad about the day, or I

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Speaker 1: need somebody to come hug me, or I need some luck,

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Speaker 1: that's the child's job. Or if I'm trying to figure

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Speaker 1: out something about life, it's not for your kid to

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Speaker 1: come in and help you figure out your life. Your

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Speaker 1: kid is supposed to be figuring out their life and

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Speaker 1: their future. It's not supposed to go the other way.

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Speaker 1: It's not that they can't. Sure they can. You cake

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Speaker 1: a show up for you in many great ways, but

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Speaker 1: it really is not their overall responsibility. Where as a parent,

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Speaker 1: your child is your overall, every single day responsibility.

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Speaker 2: I saw somebody in the comments on when we posted

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Speaker 2: it to TikTok.

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Speaker 5: They were like, if you did a good job. They

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Speaker 5: were like, as a daughter, if you did a good

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Speaker 5: job as a parent, then your kid will feel then

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Speaker 5: that that feeling won't be there.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, that's spoken as a child, not as a parent.

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Speaker 1: That's how kids think they'll be like, but what do

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Speaker 1: you mean, I love my mother, I do my mother,

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Speaker 1: I would do anything, I would do anything for my mother. Yeah, okay,

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Speaker 1: and I'm sure you do, but like not every day

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Speaker 1: and not you don't wake up every day and wonder

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Speaker 1: if your mother is okay? You do not wake up

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Speaker 1: every day and wonder is my mom okay today? What

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Speaker 1: does she need? Is she gonna be a what if

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Speaker 1: she does that? Is that gonna be bad for her?

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Speaker 1: Is that you don't wake up with the same type

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Speaker 1: of feeling that a mother has for their child.

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Speaker 2: That's a dark truth.

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Speaker 1: It is very true. And I know it's not easy

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Speaker 1: for everybody to understand unless you're a mother and you're like, damn,

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Speaker 1: that's real.

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Speaker 5: That's kind of like the old idiom of like when

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Speaker 5: you do something mess up to your parents, you're like,

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Speaker 5: don't worry, You're gonna pay for this when you have kids,

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Speaker 5: to have a thing for sure, for sure, you're not

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Speaker 5: gonna know. You're not gonna know this feeling, this worrying until.

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Speaker 2: You have some of your own.

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Speaker 1: It's really terrible, it's really god awful.

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Speaker 2: Well how that you when it comes.

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Speaker 1: But that's why Mom's like we appreciate. Like last night,

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Speaker 1: we had a little moment last night. I don't know.

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Speaker 1: I was just in the room with the kids. They

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Speaker 1: came home and we were like having like a little

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Speaker 1: family moment and laughing in the room and kid and

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Speaker 1: I was like, Oh, this is what makes me happy.

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Speaker 1: Like my kids like making jokes and we're in the

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Speaker 1: room and we're talking about our day and blah blah blah.

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Speaker 1: Like as a mother, it's like even that, it's like

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Speaker 1: that makes me so happy. And that's all the kids

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Speaker 1: have to do. Could you imagine if that's all the

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Speaker 1: mother had to do is like show up and keep

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Speaker 1: key with your kid for a little bit. No, that's

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Speaker 1: not all we have to do. We have a different

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Speaker 1: type of responsibility for our children. Anyway, I could go on,

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Speaker 1: I could do a whole episode about this. Let me

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Speaker 1: tell you, Because I got a son, I got a

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Speaker 1: stepson who was like my son, and I got a

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Speaker 1: lot of god children that I like to pour into

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Speaker 1: when I can.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, I'm gonna stick to a pet.

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Speaker 1: Maybe it sounds gonna get you a pet.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that sounds we're promisic.

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Speaker 1: Yeahlationship. By the way, a pet relationship is kind of like,

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Speaker 1: uh yeah, it's it is their job to fill your cup.

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Speaker 1: That's the whole pet jet. A pet's a whole job.

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Speaker 1: So you better get you a pet. That's so funny,

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Speaker 1: get you a pet? All right? What else are our

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Speaker 1: takeaways from this episode?

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Speaker 2: Forever being changed by grief in the way that Lauren

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Speaker 2: said that she feels like her best self is behind her, and.

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Speaker 1: That also made me sad and it irritated the hell

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Speaker 1: out of her. Yes, See, Lauren is very like she

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Speaker 1: just wrote a book. Anytime somebody writes a book, they

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Speaker 1: are very in touch with their There's certain parts of

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Speaker 1: their life they're very in touch with because they had

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Speaker 1: to write it, They've read it, they've spoken about it,

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Speaker 1: so they're comfortable saying, oh, yes, I experienced grief this way,

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Speaker 1: she's comfortable having certain types of conversations. I don't know

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Speaker 1: if in that moment she was comfortable talking about where

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Speaker 1: her future lies well she in terms of her happiness,

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Speaker 1: it seemed like she was.

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Speaker 5: I think she thought she did all the work needed

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Speaker 5: on that specific part she was like absolutely in her

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Speaker 5: soul of hearts, like.

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Speaker 1: She really believes that the best, her best is behind her.

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Speaker 1: She can't even imagine something in front of her, whereas

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Speaker 1: me as from the outside, I can't imagine that for her.

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Speaker 1: I think she had this extraordinary life and this extraordinary love.

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Speaker 1: But I don't know. I believe in God. I believe

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Speaker 1: in like you just don't know. Like she could do

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Speaker 1: something else, anything could happen. She could find another love,

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Speaker 1: which I know she probably has not wrapped her brain

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Speaker 1: around that that could be a possibility. Maybe even you

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Speaker 1: just don't know.

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Speaker 2: The possibilities are endlessen.

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Speaker 1: I mean you have you have to have that. That's

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Speaker 1: that bit a thing in you that feels like the

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Speaker 1: hope of that brightness is in the future. I have

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Speaker 1: it for her.

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Speaker 2: Iyven had something a word of advice to her.

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Speaker 1: Oh, let's hear that about this. Let's hear that.

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Speaker 6: If I were to give if I had the opportunity

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Speaker 6: to give Lauren advice, I would ask her why would

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Speaker 6: she close her heart off to love, not that she's

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Speaker 6: in the pursuit of love, and not that there is

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Speaker 6: a replacement for her husband, Like love is such a

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Speaker 6: such an expansive emotion.

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Speaker 1: That to close the heart off.

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Speaker 6: The heart chakra is the center of your energetic being.

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Speaker 6: It is the chakra that is the bridge between the

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Speaker 6: lower chakras, is your existence here on earth, and then

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Speaker 6: your upper chakras, which is what connects you the source.

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Speaker 6: And why would you close the bridge?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, Lauren, you got to open your chakra, your love chakra.

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Speaker 1: We all got to keep our love chakras open out here.

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Speaker 5: But the point that was talking about was that that

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Speaker 5: that is the bridge to other feeling, other emotions in

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Speaker 5: their fullest capacity.

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Speaker 2: And if in your core you shut down a part

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Speaker 2: of that, you might not be experiencing other areas of

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Speaker 2: happiness in your life to the fullest.

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Speaker 5: Because you are so certain that that you're not going

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Speaker 5: to get back to that level again.

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Speaker 2: Does it seem out of reach? It's like kind of

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Speaker 2: like you can't feel the deepest It's kind of like you.

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Speaker 5: Can't feel the deepest parts of love if you have

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Speaker 5: it experienced a deep breakup.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, So now that she knows this grief, love might

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Speaker 1: hit her a different type.

439
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:42,760
Speaker 2: Of way exactly, and that actually might be fucking scary

440
00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:43,600
Speaker 2: that way.

441
00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:45,560
Speaker 1: Yeah, because there's all types of emotions that will come

442
00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:50,240
Speaker 1: with that. You probably feel guilty about that, and you know,

443
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:54,240
Speaker 1: but you got to be open to life, open to life,

444
00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:55,040
Speaker 1: and open to love.

445
00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:57,760
Speaker 5: If that says something interesting about that, people would come

446
00:21:57,840 --> 00:21:59,960
Speaker 5: up to her and be like, you know, because I

447
00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:04,560
Speaker 5: only lost a parent or I only lost a you know,

448
00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:06,719
Speaker 5: a friend, and they look at a vent and like,

449
00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:09,760
Speaker 5: but you lost a child, I can't imagine. And her

450
00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:13,720
Speaker 5: perspective on that was No, grief is not measured that way.

451
00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:16,000
Speaker 5: It's only measured how much you love a person.

452
00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:19,239
Speaker 6: My grief losing a child, people are like, oh, I

453
00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:22,399
Speaker 6: only lost a parent. I can't you know, I can't

454
00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:25,760
Speaker 6: understand what it was like. It must have been horrible

455
00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:31,120
Speaker 6: to lose your son, your child, right or even spouse

456
00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:36,960
Speaker 6: to child. No, you can't measure grief in that way.

457
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:44,080
Speaker 6: You can only measure grief by measuring the love. That's it.

458
00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:47,200
Speaker 6: And so pain is pain and we all experience it.

459
00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:50,520
Speaker 5: So as long as you loved whoever that person was

460
00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:53,640
Speaker 5: you lost, Like, that's how large your grief is. It's

461
00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:56,680
Speaker 5: not one is larger, the loss is larger than the other.

462
00:22:56,760 --> 00:22:57,879
Speaker 2: It's taste the case.

463
00:22:58,040 --> 00:23:02,000
Speaker 1: I know people who've lost their parents and they've been fine.

464
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:03,919
Speaker 1: They're like, it's the circle of life. They had a

465
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:06,119
Speaker 1: full life. I'm so grateful. I mean, they're sad and

466
00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:08,679
Speaker 1: they grieve. But I know people who've lost their parents

467
00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:12,280
Speaker 1: as adults, whose parents were older, and they just never

468
00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:16,240
Speaker 1: they just never come back from it. It really hits

469
00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:19,520
Speaker 1: certain people differently, like they grieve in a way that

470
00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:23,880
Speaker 1: like even as adults, that they don't really they don't

471
00:23:23,920 --> 00:23:26,800
Speaker 1: really ever get over it. So you're right, I guess

472
00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:32,119
Speaker 1: it is. It's just a measure of love. Maybe also preparation.

473
00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:34,119
Speaker 2: Also, but community.

474
00:23:34,320 --> 00:23:37,840
Speaker 5: That's the other part of this episode that I really

475
00:23:37,840 --> 00:23:41,240
Speaker 5: want to highlight is like you're not going through these

476
00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:43,639
Speaker 5: It can feel like you're going through it alone, but

477
00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:47,359
Speaker 5: there's so many hidden soldiers and warriors that come to

478
00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:50,600
Speaker 5: your aid. With Lauren, she talks about how her daughter

479
00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:53,160
Speaker 5: Amber set up that schedule for you and her other

480
00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:55,680
Speaker 5: friends to come and just babysit her and watching her

481
00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:59,680
Speaker 5: any Vet tells a great story here about how you

482
00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:00,960
Speaker 5: were there for her.

483
00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:04,119
Speaker 2: She goes, yeah, blah blah blah blah, this is this.

484
00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:04,880
Speaker 1: Is gonna make me cry.

485
00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:06,760
Speaker 2: I don't I'm not.

486
00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:06,919
Speaker 5: No.

487
00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:08,720
Speaker 2: I think she's told this to you before.

488
00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:12,000
Speaker 6: I think that the best way to show up for

489
00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:15,280
Speaker 6: someone that is in the middle of a grief journey

490
00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:20,959
Speaker 6: is this is gonna sound crazy, but you show up

491
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:26,919
Speaker 6: uninvited when someone is in the think of their grief.

492
00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:30,320
Speaker 6: If you ask them how are you doing? They don't

493
00:24:30,320 --> 00:24:33,760
Speaker 6: know how to answer that question right That shit might

494
00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:35,720
Speaker 6: piste them off. Where How the fuck do you think

495
00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:39,640
Speaker 6: I'm you know what I'm saying, Like like, honestly, if

496
00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:41,240
Speaker 6: you ask them what do you need? What can I

497
00:24:41,240 --> 00:24:44,960
Speaker 6: do for you? They have zero capacity to answer that question.

498
00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:51,399
Speaker 6: Zero Like your brain is in full trauma mode. You

499
00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:53,639
Speaker 6: do not know how to think about what you need.

500
00:24:54,119 --> 00:24:59,240
Speaker 6: You can't even give yourself what you need. So when

501
00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:06,000
Speaker 6: I say you show up uninvited, unannounced, it's like, I'm here.

502
00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:10,160
Speaker 6: If you just need me to sit here in silence

503
00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:15,560
Speaker 6: with you, That's what I'm gonna do, Angie. The night

504
00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:20,600
Speaker 6: that my son died, I went straight from there from

505
00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:24,840
Speaker 6: the hospital to my brand new house. I just had

506
00:25:24,840 --> 00:25:30,439
Speaker 6: this house completely renovated. I had a table, my table

507
00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:33,680
Speaker 6: that I had in storage. I had like a kitchen

508
00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:38,119
Speaker 6: table with six chairs, and I had two beds, the

509
00:25:38,119 --> 00:25:39,960
Speaker 6: one in my room the one in my daughter's room.

510
00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:42,240
Speaker 6: That's all I had in that house. I had nothing else,

511
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:48,800
Speaker 6: and so my son's godmother dropped me at the house

512
00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:53,000
Speaker 6: and I went straight to bed right and at two

513
00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:55,399
Speaker 6: o'clock in the morning, my husband was driving back from

514
00:25:55,480 --> 00:25:58,280
Speaker 6: Vermont with my daughter and I hear the car pull

515
00:25:58,320 --> 00:26:02,600
Speaker 6: into the driveway and I go downstairs. By the way,

516
00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:04,439
Speaker 6: I didn't even have clothes, so I had on the

517
00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:07,160
Speaker 6: T shirt that I went to bed with my panties.

518
00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:11,399
Speaker 6: That's how I came downstairs. I come down and who's

519
00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:15,120
Speaker 6: sitting at my table but Angie, And I was just like,

520
00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:18,280
Speaker 6: what are you doing here? Oh my god? Like I

521
00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:23,760
Speaker 6: didn't even know that my friends did a changing of

522
00:26:23,760 --> 00:26:31,960
Speaker 6: the guard and we're there, uninvited, unannounced, watching over me.

523
00:26:33,119 --> 00:26:35,600
Speaker 6: So that's how you show up for someone in grief

524
00:26:36,119 --> 00:26:39,159
Speaker 6: because they do not have the capacity to tell you

525
00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:42,959
Speaker 6: what they need to explain how they're feeling. Like that

526
00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:47,000
Speaker 6: capacity doesn't exist. They're in the throes of a traumatic loss.

527
00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:50,639
Speaker 1: Toya, that was gonna make me cry. Well, I supposed

528
00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:54,359
Speaker 1: to cry during takeaway episodes. That's crazy.

529
00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:57,720
Speaker 2: Oh easy, Oh, you're such a good friend, Angie. That's

530
00:26:57,760 --> 00:26:58,400
Speaker 2: how you do it.

531
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:00,560
Speaker 1: I mean, what else can you do? Oh, there's like

532
00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:02,720
Speaker 1: nothing you could do. It wasn't just me. There was like,

533
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:05,840
Speaker 1: you know, before her son died, it wasn't He didn't

534
00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:07,680
Speaker 1: die instantly. You know, he was in the hospital for

535
00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:09,879
Speaker 1: a few days. They were trying to you know, so

536
00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:12,159
Speaker 1: we had hope for a couple of days. So me

537
00:27:12,240 --> 00:27:14,760
Speaker 1: and some of my other friends were showing up and

538
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:18,120
Speaker 1: while we had been around the house and we were

539
00:27:18,119 --> 00:27:21,200
Speaker 1: there with her or whatever. So I don't want to

540
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:22,800
Speaker 1: get into the whole long story of it, but like

541
00:27:22,920 --> 00:27:25,160
Speaker 1: it just we can go right too.

542
00:27:26,119 --> 00:27:28,280
Speaker 2: You do what you can as a friend, you do

543
00:27:28,359 --> 00:27:29,000
Speaker 2: what you can.

544
00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:31,399
Speaker 1: You did I don't. I'm not like an expert.

545
00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:34,520
Speaker 2: I don't know why we are not. We never say, but.

546
00:27:34,720 --> 00:27:36,960
Speaker 1: That's what I just whenever I don't know how to

547
00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:40,720
Speaker 1: support somebody, I do believe, and I always hear Lauren

548
00:27:40,760 --> 00:27:44,439
Speaker 1: London's echo of like just hold space for people, Like

549
00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:47,719
Speaker 1: it really sounds like so basic, but that's it. You

550
00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:50,359
Speaker 1: just have to be there, even if you just listen,

551
00:27:50,560 --> 00:27:52,560
Speaker 1: even if you just making some eggs for them in

552
00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:55,760
Speaker 1: the morning, even if you know you're just sitting at

553
00:27:55,760 --> 00:27:58,640
Speaker 1: their table. She wasn't lying. She came out down with

554
00:27:58,680 --> 00:28:02,600
Speaker 1: her pants and I was like, oh, oh. I was like, hi, Evy.

555
00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:04,879
Speaker 1: She's like, what are you doing here. I was like,

556
00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:07,679
Speaker 1: I'm just just here if you need me, taking up space,

557
00:28:08,040 --> 00:28:11,080
Speaker 1: taking up space. The thought of her being her house

558
00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:14,359
Speaker 1: that night by herself, because like she said, her husband

559
00:28:14,359 --> 00:28:16,800
Speaker 1: was in Vermont, her kid was there, she was coming

560
00:28:16,880 --> 00:28:21,160
Speaker 1: home from the hospital alone, and she she doesn't remember

561
00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:22,760
Speaker 1: this because she was probably so deep in her grief.

562
00:28:22,760 --> 00:28:25,439
Speaker 1: When she came in she saw me there. Wow, she

563
00:28:25,480 --> 00:28:27,399
Speaker 1: did see me, but I think she was so in

564
00:28:27,480 --> 00:28:29,960
Speaker 1: a fog that she didn't remember that I was there.

565
00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:32,680
Speaker 1: And I was like, she was like, I'm so tired.

566
00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:34,399
Speaker 1: I was like, Okay, go to sleep. And then she

567
00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:36,280
Speaker 1: went upstairs and then I just stayed.

568
00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:36,879
Speaker 2: Wow.

569
00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:39,120
Speaker 1: So when she came back down, she didn't either she

570
00:28:39,120 --> 00:28:43,360
Speaker 1: didn't see me or she didn't remember that moment. But yeah,

571
00:28:43,400 --> 00:28:45,800
Speaker 1: I just stayed. I was just at the kitchen table,

572
00:28:47,240 --> 00:28:49,719
Speaker 1: I don't know, waiting waiting for her husband to come

573
00:28:49,760 --> 00:28:51,440
Speaker 1: home over the middle of the night. I didn't want

574
00:28:51,480 --> 00:28:53,520
Speaker 1: her to wake up and be in the house by herself.

575
00:28:54,040 --> 00:28:56,120
Speaker 1: And so yeah, that it taught me a lot too

576
00:28:56,200 --> 00:28:58,320
Speaker 1: about how to show up for somebody because I didn't

577
00:28:58,320 --> 00:29:00,560
Speaker 1: have the answers I didn't have like a you know,

578
00:29:00,600 --> 00:29:02,480
Speaker 1: people you think you're supposed to show up with flowers,

579
00:29:02,520 --> 00:29:04,000
Speaker 1: so you're supposed to show up with you I didn't

580
00:29:04,000 --> 00:29:06,040
Speaker 1: have nothing. I was like, you know, I just sat

581
00:29:06,080 --> 00:29:08,320
Speaker 1: there and I didn't have no answers. I didn't have

582
00:29:08,360 --> 00:29:11,520
Speaker 1: no amazing thing to say. I didn't There's nothing you

583
00:29:11,560 --> 00:29:14,000
Speaker 1: could say. Somebody just comes home from the hospital from

584
00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:16,560
Speaker 1: losing their child. What do you There's zero you can

585
00:29:16,640 --> 00:29:19,280
Speaker 1: say to make anything worse. And it's funny because a

586
00:29:19,280 --> 00:29:23,200
Speaker 1: friend of ours I remember that time, and another friend

587
00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:27,360
Speaker 1: of ours had had just had a baby, and that

588
00:29:27,440 --> 00:29:30,680
Speaker 1: friend was always so worried about being and triggering Yvet.

589
00:29:31,080 --> 00:29:33,080
Speaker 1: She's like, I don't want I'm afraid, you know, I

590
00:29:33,080 --> 00:29:35,040
Speaker 1: don't say too much about the baby because I don't

591
00:29:35,040 --> 00:29:38,440
Speaker 1: want her to be sad about I was like, baby,

592
00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:41,520
Speaker 1: there is nothing you can say to Evet that could

593
00:29:41,560 --> 00:29:44,920
Speaker 1: make her more sad. What makes her more sad is

594
00:29:45,000 --> 00:29:48,200
Speaker 1: you not being around. Let her see your baby, give

595
00:29:48,520 --> 00:29:51,280
Speaker 1: let her see your joy. That's not gonna make her

596
00:29:51,320 --> 00:29:53,360
Speaker 1: more sad and be like, oh my god, wears my baby.

597
00:29:53,400 --> 00:29:58,280
Speaker 1: She's already at the bottom. And and then she wind

598
00:29:58,360 --> 00:30:00,440
Speaker 1: up did it. And Vet's great with other people's kids

599
00:30:00,480 --> 00:30:02,280
Speaker 1: and she doesn't carry that.

600
00:30:02,640 --> 00:30:02,840
Speaker 2: Yeah.

601
00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:03,160
Speaker 4: No.

602
00:30:03,440 --> 00:30:07,800
Speaker 1: And the beautiful thing about Yvette is like there wasn't

603
00:30:07,840 --> 00:30:11,320
Speaker 1: any anger in her grief, you know what I mean,

604
00:30:11,360 --> 00:30:14,120
Speaker 1: She's able to kind of like I'm sure she probably

605
00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:17,160
Speaker 1: had moments of it, but she really tapped into the

606
00:30:17,240 --> 00:30:22,040
Speaker 1: love of it early, like she really figured that part

607
00:30:22,040 --> 00:30:24,840
Speaker 1: about which is why she'll be or is an amazing

608
00:30:24,880 --> 00:30:28,320
Speaker 1: grief counselor because she can help people see that, you know,

609
00:30:28,400 --> 00:30:32,280
Speaker 1: the love that flows through grief. She's really really great

610
00:30:32,320 --> 00:30:34,280
Speaker 1: at that. And by the way, we should let people

611
00:30:34,280 --> 00:30:36,640
Speaker 1: know where her wellness spot is. It is in New

612
00:30:36,720 --> 00:30:38,800
Speaker 1: Jersey if you're in the New Jersey area. I believe

613
00:30:38,840 --> 00:30:42,240
Speaker 1: she does like online treatments as well. Yes, it's an

614
00:30:42,360 --> 00:30:43,680
Speaker 1: Eve of wellness yep.

615
00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:46,680
Speaker 2: Evenwellness dot Com will link it in the description for

616
00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:47,760
Speaker 2: Eve for sure.

617
00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:51,000
Speaker 1: I hope this info helps because it's not easy for anyone,

618
00:30:51,080 --> 00:30:53,160
Speaker 1: whether you're in it or outside of it. I hope,

619
00:30:53,240 --> 00:30:55,880
Speaker 1: I hope somebody takes something away from this episode. I

620
00:30:55,920 --> 00:30:58,320
Speaker 1: took a lot, first of all, I took a lot

621
00:30:58,360 --> 00:31:01,000
Speaker 1: away from Yvet over a long period of time, and

622
00:31:01,040 --> 00:31:04,040
Speaker 1: I've definitely taken a lot away from Lauren and her experience.

623
00:31:04,240 --> 00:31:05,920
Speaker 1: And by the way, when we put the link in

624
00:31:05,960 --> 00:31:08,080
Speaker 1: the bio, let's also put a link for Lauren's new book.

625
00:31:08,640 --> 00:31:12,000
Speaker 1: Sonny Or scrambled her sunny side up. And we thank

626
00:31:12,040 --> 00:31:14,040
Speaker 1: her for the episode, and we thank you guys for listening,

627
00:31:14,040 --> 00:31:15,880
Speaker 1: and we'll be back soon with a new episode. I

628
00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:18,440
Speaker 1: think you're gonna really really luck. That's all I can said,

629
00:31:18,840 --> 00:31:26,040
Speaker 1: but now have a great day. Bye, And Brittany's hosting

630
00:31:26,040 --> 00:31:26,800
Speaker 1: the next episode.

631
00:31:27,120 --> 00:31:27,800
Speaker 6: My God,