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Speaker 1: Hi, It's Gemma, and I'm so excited to share a

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Speaker 1: special bonus episode with you today. It's actually an episode

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Speaker 1: of my other podcast, Mantra, which I feel like is

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Speaker 1: such a great companion to the psychology of your twenties.

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Speaker 1: If you haven't listened to Mantra before, Each week, I

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Speaker 1: basically introduce a new mantra, a simple but empowering phrase,

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Speaker 1: and then I unpack what it means, what it means

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Speaker 1: to be personally, but also what it means on a

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Speaker 1: collective level. Plus I share journal prompts, tips, and of

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Speaker 1: course psychological strategies to help you take each mantra and

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Speaker 1: put it into action in your life. The episode I'm

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Speaker 1: sharing with you today is one of my favorites for

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Speaker 1: the mantra, I am not here to manage other people's emotions.

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Speaker 1: I think this is something we could all incorporate a

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Speaker 1: little bit more into our lives. It's definitely a reminder

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Speaker 1: that I needed, so I'm so excited for you guys

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Speaker 1: to listen to it and to check it out. And

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Speaker 1: if you like what you hear, make sure to follow

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Speaker 1: Mantra on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you are listening.

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Speaker 1: I'll also include a link to mantra in the episode

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Speaker 1: notes so you can easily find it happy listening. I

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Speaker 1: am so enthralled by this mantra. I am in love

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Speaker 1: with it. It is the one I personally really needed

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Speaker 1: this week. Let me begin by explaining what it may

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Speaker 1: look like to manage other people's emotions. Some of you

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Speaker 1: probably don't need me to tell you. You feel it every day,

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Speaker 1: but just to make it super clear what we're talking

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Speaker 1: about here, I want to give a little bit of

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Speaker 1: a peek behind the curtain, a little bit of a

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Speaker 1: description managing other people's emotions. It's not feeling bad for someone,

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Speaker 1: it's not having empathy, it's not expressing kindness. It's when

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Speaker 1: we take on the responsibility of regulating someone else's internal

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Speaker 1: state as if it were our own, often at the

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Speaker 1: expense of our own emotions. It's when someone else is sad, angry, disappointed,

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Speaker 1: or even just in a bad mood, and we instinctively

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Speaker 1: adjust our behavior, our mood, our tone, or even our

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Speaker 1: beliefs to soothe or appease them. So it's not just

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Speaker 1: about caring how someone else feels. That's a very great

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Speaker 1: natural human feeling, and it should be promoted it's basically

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Speaker 1: trying to then control how they feel, believing that if

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Speaker 1: we just say the right thing, if we fix the problem,

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Speaker 1: if we're attentive enough, if we cheer them up, if

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Speaker 1: we keep them calm, then everything is going to be okay.

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Speaker 1: So it's beyond emotional awareness. It's emotional overcompensating. This looks

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Speaker 1: like a lot of different things. It might look like

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Speaker 1: over explaining yourself to prevent someone from getting upset. It

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Speaker 1: might feel like walking on eggshells, or constantly anticipating how

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Speaker 1: your words or your actions might be misinterpreted. It might

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Speaker 1: mean putting your needs, your truth on hold to avoid

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Speaker 1: set up someone off. It might also look like, you know,

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Speaker 1: being at an important event for yourself and constantly thinking

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Speaker 1: about how someone else is feeling, constantly monitoring their emotions

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Speaker 1: to make sure they're okay, they're having fun, they're not upset,

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Speaker 1: to the point where you just can't even enjoy yourself anymore.

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Speaker 1: The defining feature here is ownership. You believe, often unconsciously,

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Speaker 1: that their emotional response is your burden to carry and

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Speaker 1: your job to fix. I think it goes without saying.

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Speaker 1: This can be incredibly training because it places you in

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Speaker 1: a constant state of hypervigilance, your nervous system starts to

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Speaker 1: anticipate their disregulation before it happens, therefore disregulating you. You

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Speaker 1: might catch yourself feeling guilty for things you didn't do,

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Speaker 1: or feeling responsible for problems you like literally couldn't have prevented.

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Speaker 1: And what's more, this habit can actually disempower the people

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Speaker 1: around you because it assumes that they can't manage their

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Speaker 1: emotions without your intervention. Sometimes what we're really doing is

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Speaker 1: tweeting someone like a child. It's like we're putting ourselves

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Speaker 1: in the position of a parent, even though they're an adult.

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Speaker 1: They can experience hard things, they can endure hard things,

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Speaker 1: they can learn from those hard things and still be okay.

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Speaker 1: We often develop the belief that it is our responsibility

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Speaker 1: to regulate other's emotions very very young, very very early on,

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Speaker 1: because of conditioning in childhood people. Many of us grew

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Speaker 1: up in environments where emotional expressions, especially negative ones like anger, sadness,

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Speaker 1: or frustration, they were not just unpredictable, sometimes they were unsafe.

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Speaker 1: When a caregiver's mood dictated the tone of the household,

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Speaker 1: children learned to scan rapidly for emotional shifts and preemptibly

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Speaker 1: manage them in order to maintain a sense of safety.

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Speaker 1: In such cases, you know, a child often internalizes a

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Speaker 1: very distorted sense of control, basically along the lines of

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Speaker 1: if I can keep them happy, everything will be okay.

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Speaker 1: Over time, this morphs into a very deeply ingrained belief

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Speaker 1: that other people's emotions are their personal responsibility. This conditioning

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Speaker 1: often manifests itself later as trumwell please people, pleasing people pleasing.

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Speaker 1: A lot of people don't know this is actually a

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Speaker 1: coping mechanism. It's a coping mechanism rooted in a fear

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Speaker 1: of reaction and rooted in a fear of disapproval. People

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Speaker 1: pleasers often over extend themselves emotionally, not just to be liked,

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Speaker 1: that's only one component of this, but to avoid the

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Speaker 1: discomfort of someone else's negative reactions. According to psychologist Harriet B. Breakersh's,

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Speaker 1: the author of the disease to Please, this behavior stems

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Speaker 1: from a need for external validation and also a subconscious

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Speaker 1: belief that one's worth is tied to being agreeable, accommodating,

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Speaker 1: and most importantly, conflict free. When someone gets upset pleaser,

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Speaker 1: it's not just that they don't want to witness the emotion.

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Speaker 1: It's that they absorb it, and they believe it's their

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Speaker 1: duty to fix it, even when they have absolutely no

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Speaker 1: part in causing it. This self imposed kind of responsibility

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Speaker 1: becomes exhausting. It often reinforces, as well, a cycle of

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Speaker 1: hidden self neglect. Let's talk about gender. It's about gender

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Speaker 1: when it comes to managing other people's emotions because gender.

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Speaker 1: Socialization definitely complicates this pattern. Women in particular are often

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Speaker 1: reads to be caretakers, not just of others, but of

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Speaker 1: their emotions. They are encouraged, even subliminally, to be empathetic, nurturing,

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Speaker 1: to be very sensitive to other people's needs. Boys, on

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Speaker 1: the other hand, are typically taught to suppress emotions or

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Speaker 1: to handle them independently. Both people lose in this situation.

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Speaker 1: Both genders are losing. As a result, many women grow

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Speaker 1: up with kind of an invisible curriculum that teaches them

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Speaker 1: their job is to smooth things over, it is to

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Speaker 1: regulate ten it's to serve as kind of emotional support systems.

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Speaker 1: I think this disproportionate expectation. It's not an innate thing.

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Speaker 1: We're not born with it. It's definitely cultural and It's

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Speaker 1: led to a phenomenon known in psychology and beyond as

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Speaker 1: emotional labor, where one person becomes the designated feeler, the

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Speaker 1: designated fixer, especially in relationships, at the cost of their

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Speaker 1: own mental and emotional well being. They do more labor

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Speaker 1: when it comes to holding up other people's feelings and

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Speaker 1: protecting their feelings. Think at its core, believing we are

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Speaker 1: responsible for other people's emotions sometimes reflects a lack of

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Speaker 1: healthy emotional boundaries, and this is often shaped by trauma.

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Speaker 1: It's shaped by unmet needs, it's shaped by the past,

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Speaker 1: It's shaped by subconscious fears. From a psychological standpoint, this

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Speaker 1: belief really blurs the lines between what we call enmeshment

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Speaker 1: and empathy. Empathy is great. Empathy allows us to feel

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Speaker 1: with someone else. It allows us to see things from

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Speaker 1: their perspective and be compassionate. Enmeshment, on the other hand,

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Speaker 1: traps us in feeling for them. It becomes hard to

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Speaker 1: differentiate with enmeshment when their emotions end and ours begin.

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Speaker 1: This is also very costly to our relationships. I think

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Speaker 1: that goes without saying to us, managing other people's emotions

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Speaker 1: might feel like devotion, It might feel like sacrifice and kindness,

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Speaker 1: all things we were taught are very valuable to display

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Speaker 1: in a relationship. But love doesn't require us to be

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Speaker 1: emotional shock absorbers. Real intimacy doesn't thrive in a relationship

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Speaker 1: when one person is always managing the other person, and

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Speaker 1: so they end up feeling resentful and burnt out, and

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Speaker 1: they end up feeling kind of like a bit of

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Speaker 1: a quiet grief for what they're missing out of in

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Speaker 1: a relationship. Ironically, I think it also stunts genuine closeness

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Speaker 1: because you guys, know this true connection isn't built on

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Speaker 1: emotional performance. It's not built on perfection. It's built on real,

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Speaker 1: deep honesty and intimacy and hard moments and autonomy, but

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Speaker 1: also on mutual recognition both people are able to come

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Speaker 1: to the table with their baggage and you sort through

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Speaker 1: it together rather than just one person taking over. Listen,

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Speaker 1: I want to say, it's not that you're being cruel,

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Speaker 1: quite the opposite, and it's not like you can't help

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Speaker 1: someone with what they're going through or help them with

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Speaker 1: a bad day. What I'm saying is when this becomes

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Speaker 1: your biggest and only priority, it can become harmful holding

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Speaker 1: space for someone else's emotions without shrinking ourselves. Really starts

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Speaker 1: with understanding that empathy and self abandonment are not the

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Speaker 1: same thing. True empathy the time we really want to

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Speaker 1: celebrate means being with someone in their emotional experience, not

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Speaker 1: absorbing it, not fixing it, not making yourself small so

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Speaker 1: they can be okay. It means say I see this,

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Speaker 1: I see you, I hear you, I'm here, without saying

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Speaker 1: I'm going to take this all away, without taking their

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Speaker 1: pain on you as your own personal sacrifice. This requires

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Speaker 1: emotional boundaries. It requires the ability to care without carrying,

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Speaker 1: and just to listen. Just listen and be present. A

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Speaker 1: key part of this is also just checking in with

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Speaker 1: your nervous system when you're supporting others, because often it

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Speaker 1: is an instinct to jump right in and then want

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Speaker 1: to fix everything, and then to see your own nervous

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Speaker 1: system and your own stress response spike. So really ask yourself,

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Speaker 1: am I grounded? Do I feel safe? Am I abandoning

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Speaker 1: my own needs or values in this moment? Is this

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Speaker 1: upsetting me such that I can't enjoy my own experiences?

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Speaker 1: If the answer is yes, it's a sign you may

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Speaker 1: be overextending and overcompensating. So in those moments, please remind

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Speaker 1: yourself their feelings are totally valid, but they are also

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Speaker 1: not mine to fix. This person is fully capable of

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Speaker 1: managing their own emotions with my help. I don't need

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Speaker 1: to fix it. I just need to be there with them.

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Speaker 1: It also means practicing honest communication, which I know can

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Speaker 1: be so hard for those of us who are conflict averse.

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Speaker 1: I personally really struggle with this. I don't want to

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Speaker 1: stir the pot. I don't want to make things more difficult,

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Speaker 1: so I just ignore it altogether. But there are some

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Speaker 1: phrases that you can practice, you can bring into your

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Speaker 1: vocabulary that can really help you out. You can say

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Speaker 1: things like I really want to be here for you,

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Speaker 1: but I also need a moment to catch my breath.

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Speaker 1: Or I care about how you're feeling and I want

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Speaker 1: to support you, but I don't want to lose myself

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Speaker 1: in the process. There's kind of emotional honesty. It's really vulnerable.

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Speaker 1: It's hard, but it also sets a powerful tone and boundary.

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Speaker 1: I love you, but I'm not going to matter myself

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Speaker 1: for you. In fact, I think it also makes the

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Speaker 1: bond between you stronger. If they're used to asking you

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Speaker 1: for things all the time. This is you asking them

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Speaker 1: for something. It levels out the plan also, And I

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Speaker 1: know it's going to feel strange doing this, but sometimes

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Speaker 1: you just have to let them be angry and just

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Speaker 1: to watch that feeling and let them be tired, let

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Speaker 1: them be hungry, let them make mistakes, and then let

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Speaker 1: them help themselves. If someone truly doesn't know how to

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Speaker 1: self regulate, you're not helping them any further. By keeping

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Speaker 1: them dependent on you. You think you're helping, you are hurting

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Speaker 1: them if they genuinely don't have the skills to do this.

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Speaker 1: I think what this martal really invites us to do

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Speaker 1: is just to examine the ways that we've internalized responsibility

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Speaker 1: for other people's emotional states, and just a question is

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Speaker 1: that responsibility ever truly ours. It's not about indifference, It's

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Speaker 1: about recognizing the limits about role in someone else's inner world.

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Speaker 1: We can't get into their brain and switch on the

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Speaker 1: different switches. We have to just sometimes view what's going

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Speaker 1: on from the outside. Okay, we are going to take

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Speaker 1: a short little break, but afterwards, I'm going to share

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Speaker 1: with you all how this is show up in my

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Speaker 1: own life, especially recently. What I've learned, where I've struggled,

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Speaker 1: what I am still figuring out.

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Speaker 2: Stay with us.

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Speaker 1: Okay, now that we've looked at the meaning behind today's mancher,

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Speaker 1: I'm not here to manage other people's emotions. It's time

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Speaker 1: to get personal with you guys and share some of

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Speaker 1: my own insights and reflections about this phrase. The place

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Speaker 1: in the spaces where I feel most responsible for other

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Speaker 1: people's emotions is in big group situations, and I'm sure

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Speaker 1: a lot of you can relate to this. When I

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Speaker 1: have invited people to my house, when I'm away on

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Speaker 1: a trip with my girlfriends, when I'm hanging out with

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Speaker 1: a big group of people, I always feel like I

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Speaker 1: have to make sure everyone is having fun, everyone is

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Speaker 1: enjoying themselves. Not a single person can feel left out,

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Speaker 1: or feel bored, or feel any sort of bad feeling,

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Speaker 1: And if they do, like that is terrible. I have

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Speaker 1: failed as a host. I have failed as a friend.

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Speaker 1: I don't really know when I first learned to do this.

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Speaker 1: I just kind of know that I always have. Since

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Speaker 1: I was very young. I think I saw discomfort, conflicts,

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Speaker 1: so called negative emotions as kind of a threat, especially

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Speaker 1: if someone else was feeling them. I thought that how

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Speaker 1: they were feeling was a reflection of the emotional environment

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Speaker 1: I was creating in that moment. What that doesn't recognize

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Speaker 1: is that people are going to come into a situation

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Speaker 1: with all kinds of emotional baggage, all kinds of stuff

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Speaker 1: that's annoyed them and frustrated them from their day, all

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Speaker 1: kind of stuff from their past. I feel like sometimes

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Speaker 1: when we try to regulate other people's emotions, we kind

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Speaker 1: of have this, like somewhat god complex that we are

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Speaker 1: that significant in this person's life that we could change

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Speaker 1: their feelings more than the combination of everything else that's

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Speaker 1: going on with them, which is not true. I was

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Speaker 1: talking about where I first learned to do this, and

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Speaker 1: I do think upon further reflection, probably in my case,

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Speaker 1: it has to do with being an eldest daughter. Being

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Speaker 1: an eldest daughter, I'm sure a lot of you eldest

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Speaker 1: daughters relate. It often really intensifies the pressure to manage

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Speaker 1: other people's emotions, because from an early age, a lot

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Speaker 1: of us are cast into the role of emotional anchor caretaker,

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Speaker 1: third parent, whether explicitly or kind of asked or silently expected,

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Speaker 1: we are often the ones who smooth over conflict, we

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Speaker 1: look after younger siblings, we support overwhelmed parents, and sometimes

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Speaker 1: we do set the emotional tone for the household. So

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Speaker 1: it's not just about a sense of responsibility. It's about

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Speaker 1: invisible labor, a form of emotional and relational work that

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Speaker 1: a lot of women do that often goes unnoticed but

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Speaker 1: really shapes how we, as eldest daughters come to see

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Speaker 1: ourselves that this role as caretaker as part of our identity.

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Speaker 1: Everything and everyone must be happy, safe together. This early

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Speaker 1: emotional caregiving thing, as I said, does become part of

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Speaker 1: our identity. We learn to anticipate the needs of others

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Speaker 1: before their own needs even register. Sometimes we might actually

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Speaker 1: enjoy it a little bit. I know this is going

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Speaker 1: to sound strange, but we might really kind of revel

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Speaker 1: in the fact that we are so helpful, and revel

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Speaker 1: in the fact that we are so emotionally aware, because

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Speaker 1: that's another component of this. People who feel like they

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Speaker 1: have to manage other people's emotions are often incredibly emotionally

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Speaker 1: intelligent and incredibly emotionally perceptive. That feels like a good

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Speaker 1: thing because it is that it feels like a positive

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Speaker 1: attribute and a positive quality. So it's hard to disentangle

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Speaker 1: where that quality becomes quite negative and dangerous, because if

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Speaker 1: we've only grown up or taught ourselves to see this

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Speaker 1: as a positive trait and as something that should be celebrated,

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Speaker 1: recognizing the downsides of this is very hard because it

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Speaker 1: means recognizing that perhaps not that we have flaws, but

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Speaker 1: there are some downsides to our identity as adults as well.

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Speaker 1: A lot of eldest daughters, a lot of people who

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Speaker 1: feel this position may find themselves in friendships or romantic

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Speaker 1: relationships where again, they just keep replaying and revising the

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Speaker 1: same role, the role of fixer, peacemaker, therapist at some point,

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Speaker 1: not because they want to anymore, but because again it

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Speaker 1: feels natural, because love to them has meant doing more,

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Speaker 1: being more, absorbing, more, managing more. The consequences of this

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Speaker 1: have become a lot more apparent the older I've become.

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Speaker 1: Tell me if you relate to these feelings. I feel

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Speaker 1: like I always feel stressed in social situations, I have

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Speaker 1: less fun. I always feel like I'm the person having

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Speaker 1: the least fun. Sometimes I also feel resentment towards people

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Speaker 1: that don't deserve it. I'm the one who has put

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Speaker 1: them in the position where they have been forced to

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Speaker 1: kind of rely on me. I'm the one who has

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Speaker 1: tried to control the emotional tone of the situation. It's

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Speaker 1: my fault in a sense. Part of this also is

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Speaker 1: that I avoid things that need to be said. I'm

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Speaker 1: also a very sensitive person, and if someone is even

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Speaker 1: slightly upset or mad, I believe that they are upset

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Speaker 1: or mad at me, and that can be very devastating.

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Speaker 1: So when there are things that actually need to be

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Speaker 1: said and that would actually improve our friendship or our relationship,

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Speaker 1: I just don't say them. I would prefer the lesser

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Speaker 1: discomfort of being hypervigilant towards their emotional reactions than a

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Speaker 1: full blown conflict. Something I've learned, probably in the last

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Speaker 1: couple of years is that avoiding conflict is a sometimes

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Speaker 1: a sign of emotional immaturity that you don't think you

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Speaker 1: can handle big emotions, so you avoid them. B It's

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Speaker 1: also ninety nine to one hundred percent of the time

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Speaker 1: go to make your relationship suffer more when you just

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Speaker 1: put something out on the table or put something out

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Speaker 1: into the open and say I'm upset about this, I'm

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Speaker 1: scared about this, I'm angry about this. You resolve it

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Speaker 1: so much quicker than if you let it sit in

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Speaker 1: your stomach, in your brain, in your heart, in your

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Speaker 1: mind for so much longer. Often, managing other people's emotions

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Speaker 1: also goes hand in hand with avoiding conflict, and with

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Speaker 1: avoiding speaking up for yourself and just reflecting on your truth.

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Speaker 1: So here's how I'm trying to change this people pleasing

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Speaker 1: sense of ownership emotional responsibility. Firstly, I'm just trying to

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Speaker 1: notice when I'm doing it. The first step in anything

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Speaker 1: is awareness. I've really been training myself just to pause

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Speaker 1: when I feel that urge or like jump in, to

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Speaker 1: just like pause when I feel like that tension in

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Speaker 1: my chest, to pause when I feel like I need

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Speaker 1: to start over explaining, or when I feel overly responsible

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Speaker 1: for how someone might react. I just ask myself, am

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Speaker 1: I speaking or am I acting out of fear of

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Speaker 1: how they feel rather than what's true for me? Does

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Speaker 1: this person actually need my help right now? What am

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Speaker 1: I trying to prove or say for this person by

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Speaker 1: trying to help them? Is it empathy? Is it enmeshment?

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Speaker 1: Just naming it and saying I'm trying way too hard

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Speaker 1: to manage their emotions right now and this is not

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Speaker 1: going to be helpful. Helps me step out of that

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Speaker 1: autopilot kind of eldest daughter response. Secondly, I just have

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Speaker 1: to remind myself at the end of the day, I

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Speaker 1: don't see my emotions as anyone else's responsibility. They don't

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Speaker 1: see their emotions as my responsibility. Their emotions are not

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Speaker 1: mine to fix. When someone is upset, I want to

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Speaker 1: rush in. I want to soften it. I want to

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Speaker 1: fix it. I want to make them feel better so

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Speaker 1: I don't have to sit with the discomfort. I'm actually

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Speaker 1: doing it for me. I'm the one who is uncomfortable.

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Speaker 1: But when I gently tell myself I can care without carrying,

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Speaker 1: this person is fully capable of managing this themselves. If

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Speaker 1: I say to myself, I can help someone with the

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Speaker 1: negative consequences, I can't help them with the cause or

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Speaker 1: the origin, that small shift really changes everything. I also

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Speaker 1: am trying, perhaps not always successfully, just to speak honestly,

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Speaker 1: even when it's uncomfortable, instead of managing their emotional responses.

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Speaker 1: I'm trying, and I'm practicing, saying what I really mean

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Speaker 1: without cushioning it or diluting it to protect their feelings.

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Speaker 1: That might sound like saying I know this may disappoint you,

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Speaker 1: but I need to say no. Or I can see

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Speaker 1: you're upset, and I just trust that you can handle

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Speaker 1: that in your own way. I can see you need

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Speaker 1: space to think about this. I can see you need

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Speaker 1: space to manage this. I'm going to just step away

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Speaker 1: for a second and let you do that. I don't

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Speaker 1: need the answer right now. It's respect. I respect them,

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Speaker 1: I respect me. The final step to this process is

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Speaker 1: just being okay with being uncomfortable, Being okay with awkward silences,

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Speaker 1: with someone frowning, with someone obviously being upset at you.

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Speaker 1: Don't chase reassurance, don't clean up their reaction. Breathe, ground yourself,

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Speaker 1: Remind yourself I'm not doing anything wrong by letting them

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Speaker 1: feel what they feel. Over time, I've noticed, you know,

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Speaker 1: the world doesn't fall apart when I stop managing it,

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Speaker 1: and neither do my relationships. They've gotten more honest, they've

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Speaker 1: gotten more for feeling, They've gotten healthier. I feel like

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Speaker 1: I know people on a deeper level now because I'm

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Speaker 1: seeing parts of them that previously maybe I avoided seeing,

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Speaker 1: or maybe I kind of incidentally like covered up for

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Speaker 1: my own sake. It's a hard truth to really recognize

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Speaker 1: about yourself, but once you get there, there's no looking back.

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Speaker 1: And also you've just realize how much happier you are,

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Speaker 1: how much easier and lighter your relationships feel. All right,

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Speaker 1: now that we've unpacked what this mantra really means and

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Speaker 1: how it has shown up for me, it's time to

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Speaker 1: look at what we can do to bring this idea

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Speaker 1: into action in our day to day lives. I'm going

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Speaker 1: to share, of course, some journal prompts you guys know,

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Speaker 1: I will always do that, but also our weekly challenge,

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Speaker 1: So please, my lovely listeners stick around for more after

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Speaker 1: this short break, welcome back. Let's take a few minutes

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Speaker 1: just to really ground ourselves in this week's mantra. I'm

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Speaker 1: not here to manage other people's emotions. The first thing

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Speaker 1: I want to do is start with our deep thought

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Speaker 1: of the day, you guys know, in every Marchra episode,

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Speaker 1: I like to bring in some wisdom from you know,

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Speaker 1: a bunch of people who are smarter than me and

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Speaker 1: who have probably thought about this a great deal more

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Speaker 1: than me. Today, our deep thought is coming from someone

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Speaker 1: called Netra Clover to wop the greatest gift you can

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Speaker 1: give someone is the space to deal with their own emotions.

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Speaker 1: This quote, what I think is saying to me is

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Speaker 1: I believe you are capable of holding your own sadness,

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Speaker 1: your own anger, your own uncertainty, even when it's high.

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Speaker 1: I have confidence in you. It's resisting the urge to rescue,

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Speaker 1: to interrupt, to reframe their experience before they've had the

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Speaker 1: chance to fully feel it. And it's choosing to witness

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Speaker 1: without interfering. That is a gift. That is a gift.

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Speaker 1: You're helping them learn to swim. Yeah, maybe it's the

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Speaker 1: hard way that they're never going to learn if you

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Speaker 1: don't take a step back. When we try to carry

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Speaker 1: someone's emotions for them, we may be doing it out

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Speaker 1: of care. In fact, I think one percent of the

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Speaker 1: time we're doing it out of care. But we're also

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Speaker 1: sending a quiet message I don't think you can handle this.

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Speaker 1: That's not a good feeling for someone else. Giving someone's space, however,

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Speaker 1: is an act of deep respect. It honors the fact

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Speaker 1: that growth often comes with really uncomfortable moments that you

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Speaker 1: have had to endure, moments of grappling that you have

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Speaker 1: had to endure. But the emotional strength that you have

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Speaker 1: has probably been built in that struggle because of it,

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Speaker 1: not because of the avoidance of it. So it's it's

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Speaker 1: not absence. You're not ignoring them, avoiding them wanting them

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Speaker 1: to be hurt. Its presence without the pressure. It's letting

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Speaker 1: silence do its work, letting discomforts speak, letting them arrive

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Speaker 1: at their own clarity, not the one that we hand them.

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Speaker 1: That's really powerful, and again that's a gift. With that

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Speaker 1: in mind, let's sow down and just sit with this

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Speaker 1: week's mantra. We're going to do our journal prompts. Now.

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Speaker 1: Remember these journal prompts. They're just here to help you

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Speaker 1: check in with where you are, what's coming up with

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Speaker 1: this mantra might be guiding you. There are no wrong

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Speaker 1: or right answers. And like I say every single week,

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Speaker 1: if journaling isn't your thing, I know for some people

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Speaker 1: it doesn't really resonate with them. If you just don't

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00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:46,399
Speaker 1: have your journal nearby, that is totally okay. You can

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00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:49,199
Speaker 1: always pause this episode between questions just to take a

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Speaker 1: quiet moment to reflect, or just save these prompts for later.

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Speaker 1: Typically I share three questions a week, but this mantra

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Speaker 1: felt very very important. So I actually have four Let's

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Speaker 1: get into them first. When do you tend to take

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Speaker 1: on emotional responsibility that isn't yours? And what do you

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00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:17,280
Speaker 1: fear might happen if you stop? Next? What childhood or

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00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:23,400
Speaker 1: early life dynamics shaped your instinct to manage other people's emotions?

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Speaker 1: Can you trace this urge back to perhaps an emotional

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00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:32,560
Speaker 1: origin in your past? Now? Do you ever confuse maybe

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00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:36,280
Speaker 1: keeping the peace with being at peace? What is the

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00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:39,760
Speaker 1: difference between keeping the peace and being at peace for you?

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Speaker 1: And finally, when you over explain when you apologize unnecessarily

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Speaker 1: or downplay your needs, who are you protecting and why?

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Speaker 1: Now that you have made the space to reflect, let's

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Speaker 1: give your mind a moment to rest. In just a second,

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Speaker 1: you hear a music track. I just encourage you to

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Speaker 1: take this opportunity to process this week's reflections in whatever

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Speaker 1: ways feel right to you. No pressure, no expectations from me.

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Speaker 1: And if this isn't something that you connect with, that's

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Speaker 1: totally okay. Just give ahead about thirty seconds and we

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Speaker 1: will be back. But as you settle in, please keep

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Speaker 1: our mantra in mind with you today. I am not

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Speaker 1: here to manage other people's emotions as the music plays,

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Speaker 1: just let this mancho shape your thoughts. Take the time

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Speaker 1: to just connect with whatever it is bringing up for

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Speaker 1: you in this moment. Beautiful, Now that you've had that

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Speaker 1: very nice, special moment, just to reset and to ground yourself,

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Speaker 1: let's take that energy. Let's bring it into action with

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Speaker 1: of course, our weekly challenge. I'd love to hear how

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00:28:18,800 --> 00:28:21,320
Speaker 1: this goes for you, so if you want to reach

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00:28:21,359 --> 00:28:24,920
Speaker 1: out to me on Instagram at Mantra open Mind, please

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00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:29,919
Speaker 1: share any follow ups, whether this helped you in any way,

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00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:33,879
Speaker 1: what you learned, and also any questions or dine lemmas

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Speaker 1: you might have relating to this episode or any other

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Speaker 1: for our special bonus episodes, which are available exclusively on

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Speaker 1: Open Mind Plus. Okay, are you ready for this week's challenge?

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Speaker 1: This week's challenge is the Unfiltered No Challenge. I want

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Speaker 1: you to say no to something this week without over explaining,

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Speaker 1: without stoppening, without trying to manage or overthink how someone

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00:28:58,720 --> 00:29:03,720
Speaker 1: else might take it. Just a clear, respectful no and

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Speaker 1: then pause, then move on. It's going to feel uncomfortable.

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Speaker 1: Just notice why you're feeling that in your body, and

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00:29:10,360 --> 00:29:14,120
Speaker 1: notice when you find resolution from it because this emotion

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00:29:14,240 --> 00:29:18,080
Speaker 1: will pass. You can't live with discomfort for very long.

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Speaker 1: It's not how your body is wired. So don't fear

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Speaker 1: an emotion that really isn't going to be there for

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Speaker 1: all too long. Good luck with your challenge. Let me

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Speaker 1: know how it goes. I'm also going to do it,

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Speaker 1: and I'll let you guys know how it goes for

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00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:38,440
Speaker 1: me as well. All right, as we wrap up this

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Speaker 1: week's episode, I feel like it was a big one.

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Speaker 1: I just want to share a few final thoughts about

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Speaker 1: this mantra. I am not here to manage other people's emotions.

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Speaker 1: My final thought is this, when we try to manage

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Speaker 1: other people's emotions, but we are self abandoning and we

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00:29:52,160 --> 00:29:55,880
Speaker 1: are basically saying your emotional state and your emotional reactions

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Speaker 1: mean more than my own. Because when you try and

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Speaker 1: help that person hold the support them, often you're doing

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00:30:02,760 --> 00:30:06,960
Speaker 1: so and you're creating your own discomfort, and you're creating

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Speaker 1: a situation that you're not enjoying and you don't feel

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Speaker 1: good about it. Why are their emotions any more important

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Speaker 1: than yours? How come you are fully responsible for your

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Speaker 1: emotions that you can't recognize that other people can be

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Speaker 1: fully responsible for theirs as well. This is not about

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Speaker 1: ignoring people, neglecting people, not offering a helping hand when

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Speaker 1: you see them struggling. It's about this not being the

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Speaker 1: status quo for you, This not being the only way

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Speaker 1: you can help someone. If you take one thing away

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Speaker 1: from this episode, let it be this. You are not

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Speaker 1: here to regulate the emotional weather around you. You are

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Speaker 1: here to live in alignment with your values, your truth,

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Speaker 1: your peace. That's going to make you a better friend,

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Speaker 1: It's going to make your relationship stronger. I promise you

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Speaker 1: that letting go of the need to manage other people's

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Speaker 1: emotions it's not selfish. It's actually very help for them

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Speaker 1: as well, to learn and to feel their own personal

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00:31:03,520 --> 00:31:09,800
Speaker 1: sense of emotional autonomy and personal responsibility. This week and beyond,

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Speaker 1: celebrate that return, Honor that return, and trust that when

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Speaker 1: you do, what's real is going to remain and you're

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Speaker 1: going to be okay.

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Speaker 2: Thank you for joining Manchra, an exclusive Open Mind original

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00:31:23,280 --> 00:31:27,560
Speaker 2: powered by Pave Studios. At open Mind, we value your support,

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00:31:27,640 --> 00:31:31,440
Speaker 2: so share your thoughts on social media and remember to rate, review,

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00:31:31,520 --> 00:31:35,200
Speaker 2: and follow Mantra to help others discover the show for

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00:31:35,280 --> 00:31:38,080
Speaker 2: ad free listening and early access to Mantra with me

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00:31:38,320 --> 00:31:41,840
Speaker 2: jemis Beg. We invite you to subscribe to open Mind

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00:31:41,960 --> 00:31:45,880
Speaker 2: Plus on Apple Podcasts. I will share another insightful and

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00:31:46,040 --> 00:31:51,120
Speaker 2: introspective Mantra with you next Monday. Until then, keep showing

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00:31:51,200 --> 00:31:54,640
Speaker 2: up for yourself and your journey. I'm Jemas Beg, See

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00:31:54,680 --> 00:31:55,520
Speaker 2: you next week.

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Speaker 1: Mantra is hosted by me Jemis Beg is an Open

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00:31:58,880 --> 00:32:03,040
Speaker 1: Mind original power by pay Studios. This episode was brought

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Speaker 1: to life by the incredible Mantra team Max Cutler, Ron Shapiro,

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00:32:07,440 --> 00:32:12,040
Speaker 1: Stacy Warrenker, Sarah Kemp, and paul Leberskin. Thank you for listening.

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Speaker 1: To catch more episodes of Mantra, make sure to follow

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Speaker 1: Mantra wherever you get your podcasts. There is also a

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Speaker 1: link in today's show notes. Talk Soon,