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Speaker 1: Real talk. Bullies be bitches, facts. I completely agree list

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Speaker 1: somebody try to bully my kids. I find mama's grandma's aunties,

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Speaker 1: all of them dead ass. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're

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Speaker 1: the Ellises. You may know us from posting funny videos

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Speaker 1: without boys and reading each other publicly as a form

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Speaker 1: of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow.

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Speaker 1: And one more important thing to mention, we're married. We are.

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Speaker 1: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of

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Speaker 1: life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to

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Speaker 1: talk about through the lens of a millennial married couple.

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Speaker 1: Dead ads is the term that we say every day.

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Speaker 1: So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts,

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Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

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Speaker 1: Were about to take pillow Talk to a whole new level.

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Speaker 1: Dead as starts right now. So this story takes me

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Speaker 1: back to my coaching days, being in Brooklyn, coaching a

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Speaker 1: lot of kids from Flatbush, East, New York, Brownsville, Carnarci.

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Speaker 1: And there was a young man who, of course I'm

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Speaker 1: not gonna say his name because a lot of his

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Speaker 1: conversations we're having in confidential, but he grew up in

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Speaker 1: a home and it was just him and his mom,

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Speaker 1: And I remember his mom brought him to me when

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Speaker 1: he was about ten years old and said, you know, um,

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Speaker 1: coach a val you know he has an issue where

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Speaker 1: he's soft. He's just soft. Like I put him in

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Speaker 1: football because I need him to get tough. And you know,

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Speaker 1: everyone says that you can help him play football better,

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Speaker 1: so I'll bring him to you. So for about two

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Speaker 1: years I was working with him in in prototype and

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Speaker 1: he was he was working his tail off, but he

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Speaker 1: just didn't seem that interested. And then first day in

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Speaker 1: middle school, he comes in and his mom is just screaming.

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Speaker 1: They bring him into, his mom is just screaming like,

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Speaker 1: you gotta stand up for yourself. You act like a

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Speaker 1: fucking punk. If you have like a punk, that's why

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Speaker 1: I think it's going there. She was just screaming at

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Speaker 1: him and he was just sitting there and he was

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Speaker 1: just taking it. Then I was just like, mom, can

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Speaker 1: you just step out for a second, And she stepped

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Speaker 1: out for a second. So I said to him, I

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Speaker 1: was like, hey, what's like, what's going on? What's what's

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Speaker 1: the matter, And he was just like it just doesn't stop,

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Speaker 1: like it just never stops. It's like if I'm not

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Speaker 1: getting it from my mom. When I go to my

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Speaker 1: dad's side of the family, they all called me soft.

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Speaker 1: Then when I go to school, they all called me soft.

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Speaker 1: And it's like it's just everywhere I go, everybody's calling

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Speaker 1: me so off and I don't know what they expect

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Speaker 1: for me to do, right, So I said, well, you

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Speaker 1: know you you play football, and he's that's nothing. I

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Speaker 1: don't even want to play football, mm hmm. So I

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Speaker 1: was like, all right, um, step outside, let me talk

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Speaker 1: to your mom. So I ended up speaking to his

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Speaker 1: mom and I said, mom, let me ask you a question.

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Speaker 1: How often do you tell him that he's soft or

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Speaker 1: that he's a punk, or that he's a pussy or

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Speaker 1: any of these things? And she's like, coach a vow

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Speaker 1: every day. I just don't want my son to get bullied,

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Speaker 1: and I'm just trying to get him the toughen up.

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Speaker 1: And I said, do you realize that the first bullies

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Speaker 1: are often at home? And she's like, what you mean?

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Speaker 1: I said, imagine being eight, nine and ten and every

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Speaker 1: day you wake up your mom is telling you you

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Speaker 1: saw don't get bullied. Right, Like, what kind of empowerment

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Speaker 1: is that for a young man? Have you ever even

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Speaker 1: given him the tools to fight back? Is he in

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Speaker 1: any martial arts? Has anyone ever taught him out of fight?

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Speaker 1: Does his dad take him to boxing? Right? All of

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Speaker 1: these answers were no no one invested the time, but

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Speaker 1: they were all call on telling him not to be soft,

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Speaker 1: not to be a punk. So I said, just do

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Speaker 1: me a favor. He said, he don't like football, Take

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Speaker 1: him out of football. Let him come here and train, right.

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Speaker 1: Let him just be around me and my brother and

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Speaker 1: a lot of the other kids. Because in Prototype, we

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Speaker 1: created a safe space. There was no bullying in Prototype,

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Speaker 1: but we created a safe space for the young men

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Speaker 1: to be young. Ben. They used to slap box and

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Speaker 1: play fight and wrestle and do all of that stuff,

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Speaker 1: and there was a place for them to just, you know,

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Speaker 1: be around each other and you know, be young men.

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Speaker 1: It does, you know, without feeling like someone is going

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Speaker 1: to overpower him or take advantage. So for two years

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Speaker 1: he was there. When he got into eighth grade, his

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Speaker 1: mom came back to me and said, Coach Valen, want

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Speaker 1: to thank you. And I was just like why. She

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Speaker 1: was just like ever since he started to come to Prototype,

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Speaker 1: he just had more confidence, and the more confidence he had,

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Speaker 1: people in school like started to leave him alone. And

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Speaker 1: when he ended up going into ninth grade, he said

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Speaker 1: to his mom, he thinks he just wants to play

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Speaker 1: football again because he enjoys the camaraderie that he had

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Speaker 1: in Prototype. Went took high school to play football and

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Speaker 1: ended up earning a Division three scholarship to play football.

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Speaker 1: The same kid that they said was tough, I mean

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Speaker 1: it was not tough, that said he was soft, said

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Speaker 1: he was a punk, and he ended are earning the

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Speaker 1: Division three scholarship. And he's even getting me choked up

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Speaker 1: now because I look at this young man and I'm like,

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Speaker 1: imagine he had no reprieve or no one to show

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Speaker 1: him how to defend himself, but the people around him

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Speaker 1: kept calling himself in a punk. Right, then you're creating

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Speaker 1: a cycle, and it's almost like you're creating a prophecy

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Speaker 1: where he is going to feel he's soft. And that's

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Speaker 1: how people in these days, they just take their life

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Speaker 1: because they're get no reprieve from school or home. And

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Speaker 1: it's hard for these young people, especially dealing with social media,

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Speaker 1: to have everybody around them call them names. And I

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Speaker 1: want to employ parents now, if you really want to

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Speaker 1: help your kids get through this bully thing, empower them.

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Speaker 1: Don't call them names. N If you buck, why not?

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Speaker 1: If you buck? If you buck, why not? If you buck?

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Speaker 1: If you book, if you book, if you ready to fight? Enough? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell you why. I dedicate that to my family. No, seriously.

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Speaker 1: I remember when I was in third grade, third grade

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Speaker 1: girl that used to like me or whatever she was,

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Speaker 1: she was saying something to me. We would haven't you know,

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Speaker 1: just in class. I'm third grade, right, and she ended

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Speaker 1: up slapping me in my face. I didn't do anything

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Speaker 1: because she was a girl, right. And this is what

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Speaker 1: mother said. My mother, because I used to have a

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Speaker 1: smart mouth. Everybody knows that. So we were shooting a dozen.

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Speaker 1: Used to I stopped. I stopped. Since college. We'm in college.

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Speaker 1: I changed. I changed a lot since college. That's a

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Speaker 1: different story. But we were shooting the dozens, right, and

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Speaker 1: we was talking about each other. She was talking about me,

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Speaker 1: so I started talking about her braids. She ain't like that,

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Speaker 1: but it's just dusty. But I didn't started she started

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Speaker 1: talking about me. She talked talking about me because I

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Speaker 1: had the Tommy Hill figure shirt and this is when

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Speaker 1: I was going to school PS two away in Flatbush,

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Speaker 1: and it was a college shirt, and nobody was really

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Speaker 1: college shirts at that time. But I like to wear

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Speaker 1: a college shirts because I remember watching New York Undercover

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Speaker 1: and Malik Yoba used to wear college shirts use j T.

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Speaker 1: You know, he was the j C, a cool detective.

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Speaker 1: So she was just calling me a geek because I

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Speaker 1: hadn't buttons on my shirt and I didn't have just

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Speaker 1: like a regular T shirt. So I started talking about

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Speaker 1: her braids. So she slapped me right and my mother said.

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Speaker 1: My mother said, let me sl you something to you. Nobody,

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Speaker 1: and I mean nobody's outside of an ask women, okay,

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Speaker 1: somebody put their hands on you, you let the teacher

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Speaker 1: know what happened, and that the next time somebody put

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Speaker 1: their hands on you, you're gonna put your hands on

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Speaker 1: them back right now. Of course, this changes men and

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Speaker 1: women as you start to go through puberty and boys

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Speaker 1: become a lot bigger than girls. But at the time

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Speaker 1: that the moral of the story was never let anybody

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Speaker 1: put their hands on you. And I remember my mom

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Speaker 1: saying this, if you let her or anybody put their

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Speaker 1: hands on you. Other people are gonna think it's okay

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Speaker 1: to put their hands on you, and now you're sending

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Speaker 1: a message to other people. Then my father, right the

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Speaker 1: one year was just like I'm putting you in karate,

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Speaker 1: took me to modern combat systems. I studied jiu jitsu

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Speaker 1: and taekwondo for five years, and my brother and I

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Speaker 1: used to fight competitively around the country, just like your brother,

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Speaker 1: like Tristan, because your mom literally did the same thing

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Speaker 1: with him. And I got in my fair share of

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Speaker 1: fights when I was in junior high school, not that

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Speaker 1: much in high school. My brother got into a lot

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Speaker 1: more fights than I did because he was just a

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Speaker 1: fight to your kid. But I remember feeling empowered by

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Speaker 1: my parents because they gave me the tools to defend myself,

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Speaker 1: and they gave me the okay to walk around knowing

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Speaker 1: that if somebody messed with me, I can I can

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Speaker 1: use my defense, my defense that I was taught and

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Speaker 1: if anything went wrong, and and it was just like

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Speaker 1: we're calling me, your parents to be like, call my parents,

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Speaker 1: and I knew that my parents we're gonna back me up.

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Speaker 1: Having that confidence walking through the streets made things easier

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Speaker 1: for me, you know what I'm saying, Because bullies, they

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Speaker 1: they test people and they looked for responses. And I've

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Speaker 1: learned that when you walk around the world as if

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Speaker 1: you're not prepared for what's going to happen, more than

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Speaker 1: likely you're going to attract the bully because bullies are

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Speaker 1: smart in a sense exactly. And when you give those messages,

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Speaker 1: those signals, and I'm the type to be bullied, that's

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Speaker 1: how you get bullied. You know. It's funny. I wonder

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Speaker 1: where this like the idea not the idea, but okay,

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Speaker 1: you noticed that this term soft, right, particularly with people

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Speaker 1: in their sons. Before you get started, you got to

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Speaker 1: pay some bills. Yeah, that's not bad. That's on me.

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Speaker 1: That's not even on you. That's on me. My bad.

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Speaker 1: I bullied you into the show. My bad not to

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Speaker 1: pay no billis you better pay these bills will come back.

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Speaker 1: We're gonna pay some bills, all right. So we're back

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Speaker 1: and we're talking bullying. After the VELL gave you all

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Speaker 1: a long spiel after carry about. Yeah it's all good,

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Speaker 1: bab you know, you know play its suck up. But anyway, um,

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Speaker 1: it makes me think about like the term soft. Right,

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Speaker 1: We tend to put this label soft on children, and

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Speaker 1: it's on boys, particularly when they are young. Like we

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Speaker 1: all know that person that was like soft growing up,

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Speaker 1: like that's always running behind their mom or like little

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Speaker 1: things like that, and that in itself, I think it

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Speaker 1: is just the incorrect rhetoric to just be spewing at

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Speaker 1: a child off the bat, because what tends to happen

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Speaker 1: the more you say something, the more you give affirmations

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Speaker 1: to a person, whether they're negative or positive, because affirmations

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Speaker 1: are typically positive, but there can be negative affirmations. And

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Speaker 1: if you tell somebody that there's something enough, the chances

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Speaker 1: are they're going to believe it and they're going to

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Speaker 1: succumb to that. So it was interesting in the story

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Speaker 1: that you told that the mom after you then kind

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Speaker 1: of proposed the question to her like, so, have you

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Speaker 1: ever done this or did you try to do that too,

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Speaker 1: you know, assist your son in becoming a little tougher

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Speaker 1: or being able to stay in firms, And and she

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Speaker 1: said no, because and this is the truth, man, A

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Speaker 1: lot of a lot of the kids that I trained

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Speaker 1: during the time I said the kids I trained were

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Speaker 1: from single parent homes, you know, single moms, and a

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Speaker 1: lot of these women don't understand what it's like to

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Speaker 1: be a young boy because they weren't young boys, you know.

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Speaker 1: But what they fear, and I noticed from a lot

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Speaker 1: of these women is they weren't doing these things or

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Speaker 1: speaking down to them because they were trying to suppress

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Speaker 1: their children. They thought they were, you know, taking the

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Speaker 1: place of the father not being there and being a man,

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Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. And I noticed that it

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Speaker 1: was all out of a place of love. But they

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Speaker 1: just didn't know how to present the child with any

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Speaker 1: opportunities to become better. What were the effective ways, right?

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Speaker 1: They didn't know what the effective ways, and they didn't

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Speaker 1: even realize that they were spewing that type of negativity.

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Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, Stop saying, don't be so,

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Speaker 1: if don't be so, if you acting so off right now,

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Speaker 1: being soft right, and and there are ways to do

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Speaker 1: that right like so, for example, my my dad was

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Speaker 1: big on that when we were being emotional or we

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Speaker 1: were acting out of character, he would point out, but

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Speaker 1: he said, you know how you're acting right now in

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Speaker 1: real time? He never said you know you are, He

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Speaker 1: always pointed out, And I didn't realize until I became

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Speaker 1: an adult and I realized that I was making some

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Speaker 1: of those same mistakes that there's power in words. So

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Speaker 1: when you say to somebody you know you soft, they

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Speaker 1: take that in as they're just soft in general. But

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Speaker 1: when you say, you know you're acting extremely soft right now?

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Speaker 1: Can we can we talk about why what is going on?

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Speaker 1: Then those those words mean a lot different because like

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Speaker 1: what if I'm saying if I'm if I'm acting soft

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Speaker 1: right now, that means that my dad doesn't believe that

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Speaker 1: I am soft? Why am I acting this way as

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Speaker 1: opposed to hearing you saft? And it's like, shoot, now

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Speaker 1: my father thinks I'm soft. And I was guilty of

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Speaker 1: doing the same things with Jackson like im when I

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Speaker 1: first became a dad. I remember when Jackson was too.

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Speaker 1: He was in the gym and he was walking around

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Speaker 1: the gym, walking around the gym too and just being

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Speaker 1: a kid, and he fell fell, hit his knee, boom

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Speaker 1: right starts crying and I'm like, man, man, so off,

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Speaker 1: what are you crying? You know, it was like a reflex,

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Speaker 1: like what you solve? What what is that? Though It's

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Speaker 1: like the minute you see a boy child crying in softness,

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Speaker 1: like before you even because because that stuff that you

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Speaker 1: know a lot of the times like you, your brother,

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Speaker 1: your dad. Like if one of the boys were to

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Speaker 1: fall and they started crying, it's like an instantly get

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Speaker 1: and I'm like, bro, you didn't even check the steef

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Speaker 1: he's bleeding if he's you know, was broken. So you

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Speaker 1: can explain that. My my parents, my father, my mom

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Speaker 1: didn't They didn't grow up in the best neighborhoods, right.

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Speaker 1: They grew up in Brooklyn. My mom grew up in

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Speaker 1: the projects. My dad grew up in Flatbush and Trivenue.

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Speaker 1: But your biggest fear as a parent is someone picking

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Speaker 1: on your child. That's like the biggest fear. When I

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Speaker 1: became an older brother, all I ever thought about was

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Speaker 1: I don't want my brother to ever be bullied, right,

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Speaker 1: And the way you see bullies is like bullies are

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Speaker 1: gonna pick on the week. So if you're crying amongst

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Speaker 1: a bunch of people you don't know, you're in the gym,

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Speaker 1: and you fall and you can't control your emotions enough

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Speaker 1: to pick yourself up and at least go somewhere else

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Speaker 1: to cry, everyone else is going to consider you to

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Speaker 1: be weak. And once they consider you to be weak.

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Speaker 1: There's always the alpha or the person in that group

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Speaker 1: that's going to pick on the week because that's what

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Speaker 1: kids do, and then you become the soft kid. So

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Speaker 1: for me saying that to Jackson and it's completely wrong,

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Speaker 1: it was completely wrong. But that was my first No

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Speaker 1: one taught me how to be a dad, so my

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Speaker 1: first thing was just to get up some crying, don't

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Speaker 1: be So you know, I'm saying don't be soft, don't

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Speaker 1: be soft, because I don't want anyone else to view

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Speaker 1: my son is soft. The thing you want is a dad,

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Speaker 1: is your child to walk around the world and feel

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Speaker 1: comfortable being himself. And what we do is create a

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Speaker 1: wall up and say, don't cry in front of anybody,

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Speaker 1: don't be solved, don't show no pain, don't show no weakness.

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Speaker 1: This when no one else can see you as a victim.

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Speaker 1: Growing up in the nineties and taking a six bust

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Speaker 1: to forty one bus and being in flat Bush, I

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Speaker 1: knew every time I got on that bus, I had

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Speaker 1: to get on that bust with my chest up in

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Speaker 1: my head up, because if I looked down or I

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Speaker 1: looked like I was weak, I was going to be

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Speaker 1: a victim, and I was like, I kind of teach

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Speaker 1: my sons how not to be victims. But when you're

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Speaker 1: trying to teach your sons, if you don't have the

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Speaker 1: necessary tools and the proper language, you end up creating

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Speaker 1: a victim because constantly being that person makes you a

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Speaker 1: bully at home. And that was ultimately the point of

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Speaker 1: the story was that most bullies are most victims are

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Speaker 1: created at home first, right the same way most bullies

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Speaker 1: are created at home. Most victims are created at home.

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Speaker 1: And what I want to implore to parents in this

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Speaker 1: day and age is I watched the um you and

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Speaker 1: I were watching together. The young man was thirteen years old,

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Speaker 1: first week back in school and committed suicide because he

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Speaker 1: said he felt like um, well, he didn't say, but

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Speaker 1: his mom said he was being bullied. And she came

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Speaker 1: out and she gave a a heartfelt speech and she

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Speaker 1: was like, I'm asking parents to teach your kids to

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Speaker 1: be kind. And although I received her messtions and I

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Speaker 1: understand where she was coming from a place of pain

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Speaker 1: and hurt because he just lost her child, I felt

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Speaker 1: like that was not the message. The message should have been,

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Speaker 1: and I can't tell her how to feel but the

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Speaker 1: message should have been like, we have to teach our

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Speaker 1: kids to be strong. You know what I'm saying, because

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Speaker 1: I wonder what those conversations were like for her son

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Speaker 1: at home before he went to school, you know, And

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Speaker 1: I wonder how much did she even know that she

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Speaker 1: could help her child not be a victim at home

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Speaker 1: the same way I didn't know, you know what I'm saying,

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Speaker 1: in another proactive approach versus being reactive, because you can't

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Speaker 1: ask everybody else in the world teach your kids to

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Speaker 1: be kind, It's impossible. But what you can do is

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Speaker 1: help teach your kid how not to be a victim. Right.

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Speaker 1: It's funny my mom growing growing up, my mom always, whenever,

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Speaker 1: for example, i'd want to go somewhere or do something

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Speaker 1: thing or something that was going to be outside of

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Speaker 1: like being at home or in a space where I

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Speaker 1: felt like or she felt like she could protect me,

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Speaker 1: her response to me in saying no was usually I'm

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Speaker 1: not worried about you, Cadine. I'm worried about the people

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Speaker 1: out there, and as a kid and wanting to do

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Speaker 1: whatever I wanted to do in that moment, I would

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Speaker 1: just reply like Okay, well, hey, that's not real life,

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Speaker 1: and that's not the real world. Like eventually I'm going

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Speaker 1: to have to be out there in the real world,

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Speaker 1: which is easier said than then now that I'm a parent,

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Speaker 1: because in that moment, I'm just like, let me free,

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Speaker 1: you know, and she's just like, it's not that easy.

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Speaker 1: So now having my own children, I feel the same way. Um.

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Speaker 1: But in her telling me that she's not worried about

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Speaker 1: the other people, she did do a really good job,

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Speaker 1: her and my dad of making sure that they spoke

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Speaker 1: positivity into me, making sure that I knew what I

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Speaker 1: was allowed to do, not allowed to do. Instances where

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Speaker 1: she was like, girl, if you did X y Z,

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Speaker 1: you on your own, because I'm not dealing with that,

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Speaker 1: you know. And she said that. I think it turned

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Speaker 1: to gear me in a sense, like she'd be like, listen,

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Speaker 1: I ain't coming to jail to build you out, so

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Speaker 1: it's not you when you do that. Um. But she

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Speaker 1: ended up putting my brother, for example, in karate for

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Speaker 1: the same reason she felt like he was soft. She

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Speaker 1: recalled some encounter that he had with another young man

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Speaker 1: and she was just like, no, I don't think defended

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Speaker 1: himself in that moment. So she put him in taekwondo

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Speaker 1: and was like, he's gonna learn how to fight and

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Speaker 1: defend himself and all that. But then in the same

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Speaker 1: breath would be like, well, and if you know somebody hits,

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Speaker 1: you don't hit back because you know you don't want

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Speaker 1: to get get in trouble, and you don't want to

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Speaker 1: get in trouble. And I used to be so confused

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Speaker 1: by that because I'm like, Okay, you're trying to empower him,

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Speaker 1: but then also to you're telling him not to fight back.

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Speaker 1: If you were to get into a fight, he should

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Speaker 1: be able to defend himself in a fight. But I

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Speaker 1: will say this, though your brother has never been in

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Speaker 1: a fight. You know why because he knew he knew

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Speaker 1: how to fight, so he walked around with a different confidence.

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Speaker 1: When you walk around with a different confidence, bullies can

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Speaker 1: tell and be like, no, that's not a guy that

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Speaker 1: I want because most billies, bullies don't want to fight.

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Speaker 1: The reason why the bullies they want to pick on

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Speaker 1: people who will never fight back so they can continue

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Speaker 1: to bully. So if you look like a kid that

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Speaker 1: will fight back, most bullies like, I'm turning the other way,

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Speaker 1: which I understand. Where your mom was coming from, which

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00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:09,359
Speaker 1: is actually extremely smart. Also with you and your sister

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Speaker 1: r y'all did pageants, pageants talk you guys were confidence.

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Speaker 1: Not even young ladies get bullied. Young ladies get beat on,

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Speaker 1: young ladies get jumped grow up growing up in Brooklyn,

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Speaker 1: and there was there was no out, there was no off.

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Speaker 1: You're the pretty girl. You're not getting picked on. No,

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Speaker 1: I haven't seen pretty girls get beat one jumped exactly.

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Speaker 1: I haven't seen awkward looking girls get picked on and

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Speaker 1: jumped onn't seen big girls get picked out, haven't seen

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Speaker 1: skinny girls. No one is outside that bully aspect because

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00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:41,440
Speaker 1: it's all about confidence. Because even the quote unquote pretty girl,

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Speaker 1: it's cool, somebody either gonna be hating on her or

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Speaker 1: feel like, Okay, she's pretty, but pretty for no reason.

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Speaker 1: So it's like she's pretty much not confident. I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna make this point to show people that she

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Speaker 1: doesn't deserve whatever at tension she's getting. And that's what

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00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:58,239
Speaker 1: I'll say. Um, let's let's read a couple of these

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Speaker 1: facts and staffs before we get into this. O. Okay, cool,

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00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,359
Speaker 1: let's do that. So these facts and stats are from

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Speaker 1: Stop Bullying dot gov. So this is a government issue website.

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Speaker 1: UM in the CDC and Department of Educations. Federal Definition

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00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:14,320
Speaker 1: of bullying because that's important to see what exactly is

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00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:17,400
Speaker 1: in the scope of bullying includes three core elements. Okay,

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Speaker 1: so number one is unwanted aggressive behavior, Number two observed

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00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:27,359
Speaker 1: or perceived power imbalance, and then three repetition or high

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00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:32,960
Speaker 1: likelihood of repetition of bullying behavior. Bullying affects all youth,

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Speaker 1: including those who are bullied, those who bully others, and

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Speaker 1: those who witnessed the bullying. The effects of bullying can

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Speaker 1: continue on into Adulthood's I want to talk about that too,

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Speaker 1: because this is only about children being bullied, it's about adults.

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Speaker 1: Because I also had clients member when I used to

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Speaker 1: do married to the gym, I had a grown adult

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00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:54,639
Speaker 1: clients who said they started coming to training because they

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Speaker 1: were being bullied. And I was like, like, I couldn't

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00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:01,919
Speaker 1: even fathom but adults being bullied. But I'll let you

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00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:04,040
Speaker 1: finish this and I'll go into that story. But go ahead, okay,

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00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:09,040
Speaker 1: cool um. Kids who are bullied can experience negative physical, social, emotional, academic,

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00:21:09,119 --> 00:21:12,240
Speaker 1: and mental health issues. Kids who are bullied are more

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00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:16,360
Speaker 1: likely to experience the following mental health issues like depression

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00:21:16,359 --> 00:21:21,359
Speaker 1: and anxiety, health complaints, decreased academic achievement g p A

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00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:25,520
Speaker 1: and standardized test scores for example, and school participation, and

427
00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:27,520
Speaker 1: they are more likely to miss, skip or drop out

428
00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:32,520
Speaker 1: of school. Kids who who bully others UM also engage

429
00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:36,879
Speaker 1: in violent and other risky behaviors into adulthood. Very true.

430
00:21:37,359 --> 00:21:41,000
Speaker 1: Kids who are bullied are more likely to experience alcohol

431
00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:44,280
Speaker 1: and drug abuse as adults, get into fights, vandalized property,

432
00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:48,280
Speaker 1: or drop out of school, engage in early sexual activity,

433
00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:54,200
Speaker 1: have criminal convictions and traffic sightings. As adults. You a

434
00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:58,680
Speaker 1: bully mann, get mad, talking tickets, do not use your

435
00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:02,000
Speaker 1: turn signal, and don't indicate problem like yeah, like you

436
00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:05,120
Speaker 1: don't care about you don't hear about speed limits, none

437
00:22:05,119 --> 00:22:09,440
Speaker 1: of that, um, And then they can be abusive towards

438
00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:15,959
Speaker 1: the romantic partners, spouses and children as adults right Right,

439
00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:19,200
Speaker 1: Kids who witnessed bullying are more likely to have increased

440
00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:22,760
Speaker 1: use of tobacco, alcohol, and other drugs, They have increased

441
00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:26,320
Speaker 1: mental health problems, including depression and anxiety, and then MS

442
00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:30,639
Speaker 1: or skipping school. Now, there's no stereotypical bullying, right, so

443
00:22:30,720 --> 00:22:32,280
Speaker 1: we don't really know. This is like an umbrella term,

444
00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:34,600
Speaker 1: but there's so many different layers to it. Youth who

445
00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:38,960
Speaker 1: bully can be different socially, socio economically, and bullies can

446
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:43,600
Speaker 1: be kids who are also bullied and vice versa. So

447
00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:46,080
Speaker 1: that's when the bully starts the bullying because they all

448
00:22:46,119 --> 00:22:48,520
Speaker 1: they see is bullying behavior at home if they get

449
00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:50,480
Speaker 1: bullied a lot, some of those kids turned out to

450
00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:53,840
Speaker 1: be the exact carbon copies of the bullies in their house,

451
00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:56,920
Speaker 1: so then they take on whatever whatever happens to them.

452
00:22:56,920 --> 00:22:59,640
Speaker 1: All those projections they then projected on people at school. Yeah,

453
00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:02,880
Speaker 1: smaller than me to bully because I get bullied at home.

454
00:23:03,119 --> 00:23:07,359
Speaker 1: There you go about students who age range between twelve

455
00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:11,240
Speaker 1: and eighteen experienced bullying nationwide, and students ages twelve to

456
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:14,480
Speaker 1: eighteen who reported being bullied said that they thought that

457
00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:18,080
Speaker 1: those those who bullied them one had the ability to

458
00:23:18,119 --> 00:23:21,240
Speaker 1: influence other students perception of them, which is crazy because

459
00:23:21,240 --> 00:23:22,639
Speaker 1: it's like you think about the people who are not

460
00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:25,679
Speaker 1: witnessing the bullying, then it's like a pylon technique. What

461
00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:29,560
Speaker 1: that tends to happen, um have more social influence, were

462
00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:35,000
Speaker 1: physically stronger or larger and also had more money than them.

463
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:39,840
Speaker 1: The relationship between bully and suicide is complex. It's not

464
00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:44,120
Speaker 1: accurate to present bullying as the cause or reason for suicide,

465
00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:47,200
Speaker 1: and it's dangerous to suggest that suicide is a natural

466
00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:51,680
Speaker 1: response to bullying. Extremely extremely right. Um and research indicates

467
00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:54,920
Speaker 1: that persistent bullying can lead to or worsen the feelings

468
00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:59,600
Speaker 1: of isolation, rejection, exclusion, and despair, as well as depression

469
00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:03,680
Speaker 1: and its siety, which then, of course contribute to suicidal behavior.

470
00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:06,800
Speaker 1: And then the vast majority of young people who are

471
00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:10,720
Speaker 1: bullied do not become suicidal. Most young people who die

472
00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:15,760
Speaker 1: by suicide have multiple, multiple risk factors yep. So bullying

473
00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:17,679
Speaker 1: maybe something that puts them over the edge, but it

474
00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:20,359
Speaker 1: may not be the sole reason. So let me, let

475
00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:23,719
Speaker 1: me get to this story about a young lady who

476
00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:27,760
Speaker 1: was trying out for not trying out for She was

477
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:29,840
Speaker 1: working out with me because she wanted to be She

478
00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:33,080
Speaker 1: had just passed the physical let me the written test

479
00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:37,359
Speaker 1: to be a what is it called school safety? Just

480
00:24:37,359 --> 00:24:39,680
Speaker 1: passed the written test to be school safety. And I

481
00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:43,520
Speaker 1: knew her because she was a football mom and she

482
00:24:43,680 --> 00:24:48,399
Speaker 1: was about twenties six years old, very very slim, girl,

483
00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:50,840
Speaker 1: you know, very slim girl. Her son was also very

484
00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:53,520
Speaker 1: very slim, meek. She was very meek person. But she

485
00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:55,680
Speaker 1: was trying to do her best to you know, get

486
00:24:55,680 --> 00:24:58,680
Speaker 1: into a place financially to be able to do better

487
00:24:58,720 --> 00:25:01,000
Speaker 1: for her her son and her son. So she passed

488
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:04,359
Speaker 1: the test for school safety. So she's going through all

489
00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:06,040
Speaker 1: the workouts and going through those things, and then she

490
00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:08,200
Speaker 1: starts to talk to me about like people in her

491
00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:11,320
Speaker 1: friend group, right, and she was just like, yeah, you know,

492
00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:12,960
Speaker 1: I'm gonna put some weight on you know what I'm saying,

493
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:16,440
Speaker 1: this bitch, just keep working with me. And then I

494
00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:18,199
Speaker 1: was like like like she was like laughing a little bit,

495
00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:19,879
Speaker 1: and then there was busy working with you. But then

496
00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:21,280
Speaker 1: she started to tell me like some of the stuff

497
00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:23,520
Speaker 1: they're doing, and she started to like well up, and

498
00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:25,800
Speaker 1: I was just like wait, hold on, this is this

499
00:25:25,840 --> 00:25:29,480
Speaker 1: ain't this ain't funny? Like are you okay? And she's

500
00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:31,560
Speaker 1: just like no, and she just broke down or just

501
00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:35,040
Speaker 1: like I'm just tired of being the butt of everybody's jokes.

502
00:25:35,119 --> 00:25:37,600
Speaker 1: I'm just tired of And I was just like are

503
00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:40,360
Speaker 1: you sure these are your friends? Like are you sure?

504
00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:42,040
Speaker 1: And she's just like yeah, But it's just like I

505
00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:44,240
Speaker 1: don't never know what to say back. I don't you know,

506
00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:46,000
Speaker 1: I don't have anything to say back. For example, but

507
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:48,600
Speaker 1: she's the one in the friend gupool was struggling financially,

508
00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:53,280
Speaker 1: needed to find a job. So it really resonated with

509
00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:55,040
Speaker 1: me because I'm like, think, I feel like I'm speaking

510
00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:57,840
Speaker 1: to someone like I was speaking to that junior high

511
00:25:57,880 --> 00:26:01,240
Speaker 1: school kid, and this is a grown don't with a child.

512
00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:05,000
Speaker 1: And it's funny, you read all of these things right,

513
00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:09,800
Speaker 1: UM may have more social influence. Um, maybe larger may

514
00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:13,679
Speaker 1: make more money because she was small because all of

515
00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:16,119
Speaker 1: her friends were quote unquote the cool people in the

516
00:26:16,200 --> 00:26:19,280
Speaker 1: friend group, and because she was struggling financially, she felt

517
00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:22,119
Speaker 1: like she couldn't defend herself in any facet and she

518
00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:27,080
Speaker 1: allowed herself to be bullied. So I said that, I said,

519
00:26:27,119 --> 00:26:30,080
Speaker 1: you know, you don't have to take people's ship just

520
00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:32,800
Speaker 1: because you're not working. You don't got to take people

521
00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:34,959
Speaker 1: ship because they're bigger than you, Like you really just

522
00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:38,160
Speaker 1: don't need the friends are. But I'm like, you don't,

523
00:26:38,160 --> 00:26:40,439
Speaker 1: you don't have to take right and she just like

524
00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:42,080
Speaker 1: I just you know, I just know that you know,

525
00:26:42,119 --> 00:26:43,879
Speaker 1: if I if I get a little muth with. So

526
00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:46,720
Speaker 1: I realized, like, so she was preparing to fight these outs.

527
00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:51,080
Speaker 1: She she literally said she just would feel better for

528
00:26:51,119 --> 00:26:54,800
Speaker 1: herself if she just felt better. So she came to

529
00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:58,200
Speaker 1: work out so that she could pass the test. Say

530
00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:01,920
Speaker 1: she has a job, fear know better, feel stronger, And

531
00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:04,240
Speaker 1: we worked for six months. Right, She ended up passing

532
00:27:04,280 --> 00:27:07,040
Speaker 1: the test, and then um, she ended up not becoming

533
00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:09,160
Speaker 1: a school safe. School safe that she passed the test,

534
00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:11,200
Speaker 1: didn't want to do it anymore, ended up going back

535
00:27:11,240 --> 00:27:13,400
Speaker 1: to school, right, and she wanted I think she wanted

536
00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:15,520
Speaker 1: to be a nurse's aid or something like that. But

537
00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:17,840
Speaker 1: if you would have saw her change and how she

538
00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:21,760
Speaker 1: walked around just in passing the tests, and she gained

539
00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:24,840
Speaker 1: about fifteen pounds a muscle, you know, we wanted to

540
00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:26,840
Speaker 1: lift more weights because it was more about her being physical.

541
00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:30,080
Speaker 1: She never got into any altercations with these women, she

542
00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:32,040
Speaker 1: never they still her friends. But what she said to

543
00:27:32,040 --> 00:27:35,120
Speaker 1: me was she noticed that when she felt better about herself,

544
00:27:35,760 --> 00:27:37,960
Speaker 1: she felt better in the friends group, and she didn't

545
00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:40,879
Speaker 1: allow certain things to happen, and it ultimately stopped. So

546
00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:44,199
Speaker 1: it wasn't even about fighting. But then I realized it

547
00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:46,520
Speaker 1: really had nothing to do with her friends, everything to

548
00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:50,199
Speaker 1: do with her. When you feel better about yourself, you

549
00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:54,960
Speaker 1: are less likely to get bullied. So then I started

550
00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:56,560
Speaker 1: talking to her about her son. I said, did your

551
00:27:56,560 --> 00:27:59,200
Speaker 1: son get bullied in school? And she was just like, no,

552
00:27:59,240 --> 00:28:01,520
Speaker 1: my son don't get And I was like, why don't

553
00:28:01,560 --> 00:28:03,400
Speaker 1: your son get bullied in school? She said, because I'll

554
00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:08,240
Speaker 1: never let my son be me. She empowered her son,

555
00:28:08,359 --> 00:28:10,639
Speaker 1: like she's like her son. She had a son, her

556
00:28:10,640 --> 00:28:13,440
Speaker 1: son was a meek kid, but she never talked down

557
00:28:13,480 --> 00:28:16,639
Speaker 1: to her son ever because she But I'm like, this

558
00:28:16,720 --> 00:28:18,960
Speaker 1: is a person who was aware and was able to

559
00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:21,240
Speaker 1: change the trajectory of her son's life because she was

560
00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:24,320
Speaker 1: aware but didn't realize how she wasn't changing her own

561
00:28:24,320 --> 00:28:26,880
Speaker 1: trajectory because a lot of times, as parents, we put

562
00:28:26,920 --> 00:28:29,600
Speaker 1: everything into our children and don't realize that the things

563
00:28:29,840 --> 00:28:31,600
Speaker 1: that we don't want to have happened to our children

564
00:28:31,600 --> 00:28:35,520
Speaker 1: are happening to us at work with our friends are neighbors,

565
00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:40,680
Speaker 1: you know. And I want to empower anybody, not just kids,

566
00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:43,080
Speaker 1: anybody who feels like they're dealing with a bully, because

567
00:28:43,120 --> 00:28:46,640
Speaker 1: bullying doesn't always have to do with physical people. Think

568
00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:48,160
Speaker 1: if you get punched, and then you can bully. Know

569
00:28:48,400 --> 00:28:51,680
Speaker 1: if someone is constantly on your ass, like saying things

570
00:28:51,720 --> 00:28:54,880
Speaker 1: to you and and just being negative about you, I

571
00:28:54,920 --> 00:28:57,000
Speaker 1: want you at first before you say what's wrong with

572
00:28:57,040 --> 00:29:02,280
Speaker 1: that person? Ask yourself what's wrong with that someone feels like?

573
00:29:03,840 --> 00:29:08,440
Speaker 1: Or why am I accepting this? It was other people?

574
00:29:08,600 --> 00:29:10,760
Speaker 1: I mean sometimes do when you think about it, for example,

575
00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:12,960
Speaker 1: what does building look like? Per se? Because that's also

576
00:29:12,960 --> 00:29:16,200
Speaker 1: another question you can think about. For example, when I

577
00:29:16,240 --> 00:29:19,000
Speaker 1: was a kid, people used to tease me in elementary school. Right,

578
00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:21,120
Speaker 1: it would tease me because I was super hairy, Like

579
00:29:21,160 --> 00:29:23,760
Speaker 1: I had hairy arms, hairy legs, I had a mustache

580
00:29:23,880 --> 00:29:26,520
Speaker 1: at like eight. You know what I'm saying. But that's

581
00:29:26,520 --> 00:29:29,239
Speaker 1: just because genetically, you know, that's my makeup. You know,

582
00:29:29,280 --> 00:29:31,479
Speaker 1: that's how my people, my Sri Lankan side, all right,

583
00:29:31,600 --> 00:29:36,680
Speaker 1: it's covered through. Um. So when people were teasing me

584
00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:39,880
Speaker 1: about that, I guess I did have the confidence to

585
00:29:39,880 --> 00:29:41,640
Speaker 1: be like, oh whatever, it would roll off my back.

586
00:29:42,040 --> 00:29:43,920
Speaker 1: It could have probably taken a turn where I was

587
00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:45,960
Speaker 1: just I was already super conscious of it. So it

588
00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:47,800
Speaker 1: was something that I knew eventually, like I have to

589
00:29:47,800 --> 00:29:49,400
Speaker 1: find a way to get rid of this hair. But

590
00:29:49,440 --> 00:29:51,920
Speaker 1: it wasn't necessarily because I was being teased about it.

591
00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:54,280
Speaker 1: It was because I know that I didn't feel as

592
00:29:54,320 --> 00:29:57,480
Speaker 1: confident with it. So at what point do we decide

593
00:29:58,520 --> 00:30:01,440
Speaker 1: what exactly is bullying and watch just kids being kids

594
00:30:01,520 --> 00:30:05,320
Speaker 1: quote unquote teasing? You know, because I think it's it's

595
00:30:05,360 --> 00:30:08,880
Speaker 1: it's hard to really decipher what bullying is and what

596
00:30:09,200 --> 00:30:11,200
Speaker 1: is a kid's just being kids kind of thing, because

597
00:30:11,240 --> 00:30:13,400
Speaker 1: you can't expect for all kids to just be kind

598
00:30:13,760 --> 00:30:17,160
Speaker 1: and just you know, never joke on somebody. So is

599
00:30:17,200 --> 00:30:18,840
Speaker 1: it in that instance that you say, you know what,

600
00:30:18,880 --> 00:30:20,800
Speaker 1: you empower your child to be able to kind of

601
00:30:20,800 --> 00:30:23,200
Speaker 1: shoot the dozens with somebody and just you know, do

602
00:30:23,200 --> 00:30:26,080
Speaker 1: the your mama jokes and things like that before it

603
00:30:26,120 --> 00:30:30,200
Speaker 1: becomes an actual physical thing. Potentially, Yes, I feel like

604
00:30:31,280 --> 00:30:34,560
Speaker 1: as adults, if you have children, right, you have a

605
00:30:34,600 --> 00:30:41,520
Speaker 1: responsibility to equip your children with ways to defend themselves physically, mentally,

606
00:30:41,560 --> 00:30:44,920
Speaker 1: and emotionally. Right. My father put us in taekwondo, in

607
00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:47,640
Speaker 1: jiu jitsu. We had to compete competitively for five years.

608
00:30:47,760 --> 00:30:51,320
Speaker 1: I competed up until I started playing organized sports at fifteen. Right,

609
00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:54,440
Speaker 1: that was the physical part. When it came to mentally,

610
00:30:54,480 --> 00:30:57,600
Speaker 1: I told everyone the story about me getting picked on

611
00:30:57,680 --> 00:31:00,280
Speaker 1: about not being black on the school, but us my

612
00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:03,160
Speaker 1: dad gave me jokes to say in return, like it

613
00:31:03,200 --> 00:31:06,120
Speaker 1: was never and my father and my mother both and

614
00:31:06,240 --> 00:31:08,240
Speaker 1: my mother says all the time, sticks and stones may

615
00:31:08,240 --> 00:31:10,280
Speaker 1: break my bones, but names will never harm me. That

616
00:31:10,320 --> 00:31:12,400
Speaker 1: was my mother things, let people be who they want

617
00:31:12,440 --> 00:31:14,000
Speaker 1: to be. My father's like, yeah, they could be who

618
00:31:14,000 --> 00:31:15,840
Speaker 1: they want to be, but always have something to say back,

619
00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:18,160
Speaker 1: because you don't want people to feel like they can

620
00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:21,680
Speaker 1: pile on. Right. And then emotionally it was my mother.

621
00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:24,800
Speaker 1: My father made up this rap. Right, my name is

622
00:31:24,880 --> 00:31:27,280
Speaker 1: de Val. I drive the girls well all the fly

623
00:31:27,480 --> 00:31:29,880
Speaker 1: guy shouted to bike my style right, And this is

624
00:31:29,880 --> 00:31:32,320
Speaker 1: when I was five years old. But I felt confident

625
00:31:32,320 --> 00:31:33,800
Speaker 1: because I was like, man, I'm a cool kid. You know,

626
00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:37,960
Speaker 1: Like my parents empowered me to love myself. You know

627
00:31:38,000 --> 00:31:40,080
Speaker 1: what I'm saying that they empowered me to love myself

628
00:31:40,160 --> 00:31:42,520
Speaker 1: and appreciate who I was. They taught me how to

629
00:31:42,560 --> 00:31:46,040
Speaker 1: defend myself on all fronts. So I walked through I

630
00:31:46,080 --> 00:31:49,280
Speaker 1: walked through the world differently, and I also walked through

631
00:31:49,280 --> 00:31:51,720
Speaker 1: the world knowing that there may be challenges, right, just

632
00:31:51,760 --> 00:31:53,440
Speaker 1: because you have all this powered on me. You the

633
00:31:53,480 --> 00:31:56,680
Speaker 1: baddest motherfucker walking around. At some point someone may test

634
00:31:56,720 --> 00:32:00,400
Speaker 1: you be prepared to handle that test and deal with

635
00:32:00,440 --> 00:32:03,160
Speaker 1: whatever consequences come with that. But I always knew I

636
00:32:03,200 --> 00:32:05,360
Speaker 1: had someone to have my back. So even when I

637
00:32:05,400 --> 00:32:07,480
Speaker 1: got into my fights, I wasn't concerned about getting in

638
00:32:07,520 --> 00:32:10,920
Speaker 1: trouble because I never start fights my parents. Man. As

639
00:32:11,000 --> 00:32:12,479
Speaker 1: much as my parents talking to me about defending, they

640
00:32:12,480 --> 00:32:15,000
Speaker 1: talk to me about being an anti bully. Right. I

641
00:32:15,080 --> 00:32:16,480
Speaker 1: was going to say that, because you think about it,

642
00:32:16,520 --> 00:32:19,200
Speaker 1: If you empower someone so much to be so confident

643
00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:21,400
Speaker 1: and to just walk around like they have this air

644
00:32:21,440 --> 00:32:23,120
Speaker 1: of like nobody could sork with me kind of thing,

645
00:32:23,720 --> 00:32:26,680
Speaker 1: what is preventing that person from them being the bully.

646
00:32:26,880 --> 00:32:30,080
Speaker 1: It's your dad telling you you have a responsibility to

647
00:32:30,120 --> 00:32:33,320
Speaker 1: protect the weak. That's what my father told me. He's like,

648
00:32:33,360 --> 00:32:35,760
Speaker 1: you have a younger brother, and he he always said it,

649
00:32:35,800 --> 00:32:39,000
Speaker 1: you gotta protect your brother. Same way I tell Jackson, right,

650
00:32:39,360 --> 00:32:41,280
Speaker 1: who you gotta protect? He said, Kyra Cash the code.

651
00:32:41,320 --> 00:32:43,720
Speaker 1: I'm like, Cairo, who you gotta take cas d Coda? Cash?

652
00:32:43,760 --> 00:32:45,680
Speaker 1: You gotta take da Coda? You know what I'm saying,

653
00:32:45,680 --> 00:32:47,760
Speaker 1: Who's going to protect you Jackson. He's like your mommy,

654
00:32:48,440 --> 00:32:50,720
Speaker 1: you know. I just taught him and when my father

655
00:32:50,920 --> 00:32:53,040
Speaker 1: you have to protect the younger person in your family, right.

656
00:32:53,240 --> 00:32:55,320
Speaker 1: He also told me, when you're out there in the world,

657
00:32:55,600 --> 00:32:57,840
Speaker 1: if there's a weaker person that needs protection and you

658
00:32:57,880 --> 00:33:00,200
Speaker 1: can protect him, you have a responsibility to do that.

659
00:33:01,520 --> 00:33:03,320
Speaker 1: And he and they just there were certain things that

660
00:33:03,360 --> 00:33:06,240
Speaker 1: they told me, like you just you're not cool for

661
00:33:06,640 --> 00:33:08,680
Speaker 1: going with all of the cool kids and picking on

662
00:33:08,760 --> 00:33:11,600
Speaker 1: a younger, weaker person. That's there's nothing cool about that.

663
00:33:12,080 --> 00:33:15,680
Speaker 1: But that's also starts from home. And that's what the

664
00:33:15,800 --> 00:33:18,719
Speaker 1: young lady whose son was the young lady whose son

665
00:33:18,800 --> 00:33:22,200
Speaker 1: had passed away, that's what she was saying to the

666
00:33:22,240 --> 00:33:25,160
Speaker 1: world was teach your kids to be kind, which I got.

667
00:33:25,520 --> 00:33:27,480
Speaker 1: But there's also a part of that where it's like

668
00:33:27,520 --> 00:33:30,960
Speaker 1: you have to teach your kids how to love themselves,

669
00:33:31,360 --> 00:33:33,360
Speaker 1: and we as parents have to do a better job

670
00:33:33,400 --> 00:33:39,320
Speaker 1: of loving our kids without creating victims. Um. I all

671
00:33:39,320 --> 00:33:41,880
Speaker 1: of that I think is spot on, and I was

672
00:33:41,880 --> 00:33:43,440
Speaker 1: thinking of because one of the questions here is like,

673
00:33:43,480 --> 00:33:45,600
Speaker 1: do you think any of your children have experienced or

674
00:33:45,640 --> 00:33:50,840
Speaker 1: witnessed bullying? And it brings me to a story with

675
00:33:51,560 --> 00:33:53,520
Speaker 1: Jackson when he was in I think it was the

676
00:33:53,520 --> 00:33:56,360
Speaker 1: first or second grade, and there was a student in

677
00:33:56,400 --> 00:33:59,560
Speaker 1: the class who I think had an accident, you know,

678
00:33:59,600 --> 00:34:03,440
Speaker 1: bathroom related accident, and the teacher at the time, they

679
00:34:03,480 --> 00:34:05,520
Speaker 1: had a buddy system, so usually go to bathroom at

680
00:34:05,600 --> 00:34:08,239
Speaker 1: least with a partner, and the teacher kind of whispered

681
00:34:08,280 --> 00:34:09,840
Speaker 1: to the kid like, you know, is there somebody that

682
00:34:09,880 --> 00:34:11,480
Speaker 1: you would want to go with you to, you know,

683
00:34:11,880 --> 00:34:15,160
Speaker 1: help you out, And the kid said, I want Jackson

684
00:34:15,239 --> 00:34:18,080
Speaker 1: to go, and Jackson, you know, went with him to

685
00:34:18,080 --> 00:34:21,160
Speaker 1: the bathroom to make sure that he was okay. And

686
00:34:21,239 --> 00:34:24,239
Speaker 1: the little boy's mom reached out to me after she

687
00:34:24,320 --> 00:34:26,799
Speaker 1: got and I guess my number from the teacher and

688
00:34:26,960 --> 00:34:28,760
Speaker 1: was just like, you know, hey, I just wanted to

689
00:34:28,800 --> 00:34:32,400
Speaker 1: thank you for raising such a empathetic child, because I

690
00:34:32,440 --> 00:34:34,440
Speaker 1: asked my son, you know, in the midst of his

691
00:34:34,560 --> 00:34:37,759
Speaker 1: little you know, accident, him feeling bad, him crying about it,

692
00:34:37,920 --> 00:34:40,640
Speaker 1: um feeling embarrassed. She asked him, why did you pick

693
00:34:41,120 --> 00:34:44,000
Speaker 1: Jackson of all your other classmates? And he said to

694
00:34:44,080 --> 00:34:47,160
Speaker 1: her because he just knew that Jackson was not going

695
00:34:47,160 --> 00:34:49,200
Speaker 1: to make fun of him, and Jackson would be a

696
00:34:49,280 --> 00:34:51,879
Speaker 1: helper and that made me feel good in that moment

697
00:34:51,920 --> 00:34:54,239
Speaker 1: because I'm like, Wow, at least we know that the

698
00:34:54,239 --> 00:34:56,800
Speaker 1: things that some things are I think innate with children,

699
00:34:56,800 --> 00:35:00,560
Speaker 1: they just have that innate responsibility to want to care

700
00:35:00,640 --> 00:35:02,560
Speaker 1: for others who may be in a weak moment. And

701
00:35:02,600 --> 00:35:05,560
Speaker 1: I think Jackson definitely has that trade. Um. But knowing

702
00:35:05,600 --> 00:35:08,799
Speaker 1: too that we have always um poured into him and

703
00:35:08,880 --> 00:35:11,480
Speaker 1: spewed to him the importance of being kind to other people.

704
00:35:11,520 --> 00:35:13,839
Speaker 1: And you know, this kid wasn't the most popular kid,

705
00:35:13,880 --> 00:35:15,920
Speaker 1: and I think he was a little awkward to you know.

706
00:35:16,280 --> 00:35:18,960
Speaker 1: And they ended up becoming great friends after that UM

707
00:35:19,040 --> 00:35:20,680
Speaker 1: for years, and we still keep in touch with his

708
00:35:20,760 --> 00:35:23,120
Speaker 1: mom to this day. But it is so important for

709
00:35:23,239 --> 00:35:26,680
Speaker 1: us to just as parents, teach our children about not

710
00:35:26,760 --> 00:35:29,920
Speaker 1: just emotional awareness and how to control their emotions, but

711
00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:32,960
Speaker 1: how to then be empathetic towards others who may be

712
00:35:33,040 --> 00:35:36,240
Speaker 1: in a less fortunate situation. UM. And that's super important

713
00:35:36,280 --> 00:35:38,880
Speaker 1: for us because you teach these things to your children

714
00:35:38,920 --> 00:35:40,399
Speaker 1: and you can only hope and pray that it will

715
00:35:40,440 --> 00:35:42,840
Speaker 1: be reciprocated, because I do believe that a lot of

716
00:35:42,880 --> 00:35:47,160
Speaker 1: this energy does become reciprocated after a while, you know. UM,

717
00:35:47,440 --> 00:35:52,200
Speaker 1: So in the wake of him, you know, witnessing what

718
00:35:52,320 --> 00:35:54,920
Speaker 1: would have been bullying for this kid. It was nice

719
00:35:54,920 --> 00:35:57,640
Speaker 1: to see Jackson, you know, just be nice. It's funny

720
00:35:57,680 --> 00:36:00,320
Speaker 1: how you said. Um. First of all, that story always

721
00:36:00,360 --> 00:36:03,040
Speaker 1: warms my heart because I feel like we are doing

722
00:36:03,120 --> 00:36:05,840
Speaker 1: a great job with our boys, you know. Um. The

723
00:36:05,960 --> 00:36:09,279
Speaker 1: last thing, you what's even worse than for me than

724
00:36:09,360 --> 00:36:11,359
Speaker 1: hearing that your child is being bullied, is that your

725
00:36:11,400 --> 00:36:14,040
Speaker 1: child is a bully for sure, you know, like absolutely

726
00:36:14,160 --> 00:36:16,840
Speaker 1: to to hear, you know later on in life that

727
00:36:16,920 --> 00:36:18,279
Speaker 1: you know, not lading on life, but you have someone

728
00:36:18,320 --> 00:36:19,719
Speaker 1: come home and say, you know your son was doing

729
00:36:19,840 --> 00:36:22,839
Speaker 1: X y Z blah blah blah. And I don't think

730
00:36:22,920 --> 00:36:26,640
Speaker 1: children know sometimes when they are being bullied. Oh no,

731
00:36:26,719 --> 00:36:30,360
Speaker 1: when they are bullying, you know, especially in that middle school.

732
00:36:32,239 --> 00:36:35,400
Speaker 1: Because I remember, Um, I got a Facebook message from

733
00:36:35,440 --> 00:36:37,320
Speaker 1: a young lady. I'm not going to her name, but

734
00:36:37,360 --> 00:36:39,680
Speaker 1: we went to junior high school together, and she said

735
00:36:39,680 --> 00:36:42,040
Speaker 1: the value you know, I felt like I felt like

736
00:36:42,080 --> 00:36:46,400
Speaker 1: you bullied me in junior high school. And I was

737
00:36:46,440 --> 00:36:48,239
Speaker 1: just like, what do you mean, Like, like, what do

738
00:36:48,280 --> 00:36:50,359
Speaker 1: you like? What how could you feel l She's like, oh,

739
00:36:50,520 --> 00:36:53,640
Speaker 1: just you know, you and another friend and another friend

740
00:36:53,719 --> 00:36:55,560
Speaker 1: I used to just you know, say stuthing about me,

741
00:36:55,600 --> 00:36:58,120
Speaker 1: and I was just like, young lady, I wants to

742
00:36:58,120 --> 00:37:01,480
Speaker 1: her name. I said, it's funny you say that we

743
00:37:01,560 --> 00:37:06,759
Speaker 1: all liked you. You know, a boy, No one explains

744
00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:09,440
Speaker 1: to you as a young man, like what are these emotions?

745
00:37:09,480 --> 00:37:13,640
Speaker 1: That are feelings that I'm having? But we all liked her, right,

746
00:37:13,680 --> 00:37:15,879
Speaker 1: so we used to pick on her right like you know,

747
00:37:16,320 --> 00:37:18,040
Speaker 1: you just see how you call her names. You know what.

748
00:37:18,040 --> 00:37:20,720
Speaker 1: It's the same thing probably with you and in elementary school,

749
00:37:20,719 --> 00:37:22,680
Speaker 1: call you teen wolf because the boys like to you.

750
00:37:22,760 --> 00:37:25,880
Speaker 1: They don't know how to you know this butterflies, somebody

751
00:37:25,920 --> 00:37:28,719
Speaker 1: really like these hairy legs. No, seriously like you. You

752
00:37:28,760 --> 00:37:30,960
Speaker 1: don't know, like a lot of these young young men

753
00:37:31,200 --> 00:37:33,839
Speaker 1: or even young women. Because it was the same thing

754
00:37:33,880 --> 00:37:36,120
Speaker 1: I used to when I was in junior high school.

755
00:37:36,480 --> 00:37:38,120
Speaker 1: Girls used to make fun of my ears because I

756
00:37:38,160 --> 00:37:40,719
Speaker 1: had pink lips. And girls were different back in the day.

757
00:37:40,760 --> 00:37:45,000
Speaker 1: They used to act like dudes. Especially girls will give

758
00:37:45,040 --> 00:37:46,600
Speaker 1: you gills in the back of the neck, and it's

759
00:37:46,640 --> 00:37:48,799
Speaker 1: like they noticed you can't hit them back, so they

760
00:37:48,800 --> 00:37:50,440
Speaker 1: would do stuff to you and you'd be like, why

761
00:37:50,440 --> 00:37:53,320
Speaker 1: does she why does she keep you know, now you

762
00:37:53,400 --> 00:37:54,920
Speaker 1: realize like, oh, she probably had a crush on me.

763
00:37:55,360 --> 00:37:57,440
Speaker 1: So as a boy, we don't realize we're doing the

764
00:37:57,480 --> 00:37:59,279
Speaker 1: same thing to these girls and don't realize that they

765
00:37:59,320 --> 00:38:02,000
Speaker 1: may take it as bullying. Right, And when she gave

766
00:38:02,040 --> 00:38:04,319
Speaker 1: me that message, and I was grown at this point,

767
00:38:04,360 --> 00:38:05,840
Speaker 1: This is when Facebook, so this was I was a

768
00:38:05,880 --> 00:38:07,960
Speaker 1: full adult and she sent me the message just like

769
00:38:07,960 --> 00:38:11,719
Speaker 1: I felt like I was being bullied. I apologized and

770
00:38:11,760 --> 00:38:13,919
Speaker 1: I said I'm sorry, like I never that was never

771
00:38:13,960 --> 00:38:17,439
Speaker 1: my intent. But I do think that that's in part

772
00:38:17,480 --> 00:38:21,440
Speaker 1: why more parents have to have these conversations with their

773
00:38:21,520 --> 00:38:23,959
Speaker 1: children to know what it looks like. You know, any

774
00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:26,879
Speaker 1: repetitive behavior that a person doesn't respond well to can

775
00:38:26,920 --> 00:38:29,960
Speaker 1: be considered bullying, whether it's just name calling or if

776
00:38:29,960 --> 00:38:32,480
Speaker 1: it's physical. It doesn't have to get to physical to

777
00:38:32,520 --> 00:38:34,879
Speaker 1: be bullying. But I will say this, though you're gonna

778
00:38:34,880 --> 00:38:37,240
Speaker 1: say something, yeah, I was. You're you're telling that story

779
00:38:37,239 --> 00:38:40,600
Speaker 1: made me think when you mentioned into adulthood, when do

780
00:38:40,680 --> 00:38:44,160
Speaker 1: you draw the line between joking and just joking, just

781
00:38:44,200 --> 00:38:47,680
Speaker 1: a joke, and then it being bullying. Because you have

782
00:38:47,760 --> 00:38:53,400
Speaker 1: a scenario with a former teammate who after years of

783
00:38:53,560 --> 00:38:57,640
Speaker 1: y'all just like back and forth or you just getting

784
00:38:57,680 --> 00:39:00,279
Speaker 1: on him. Because one thing with Devout if you engage

785
00:39:00,280 --> 00:39:02,799
Speaker 1: in jokes, yeah, I'm not going to stop with him.

786
00:39:02,840 --> 00:39:05,319
Speaker 1: He's not going to stop and be He's going to

787
00:39:05,400 --> 00:39:08,560
Speaker 1: have a comeback every single time. So don't engage. I'm

788
00:39:08,560 --> 00:39:11,120
Speaker 1: just saying everybody knows, don't engage in any kind of

789
00:39:11,280 --> 00:39:14,720
Speaker 1: doesn't shooting with this one because he's gonna win. Chances

790
00:39:14,719 --> 00:39:17,280
Speaker 1: are he loves that kind of It's like improv class

791
00:39:17,320 --> 00:39:20,239
Speaker 1: for him. Right. So there's a teammate of yours that

792
00:39:20,280 --> 00:39:23,359
Speaker 1: you didn't realize until years later when you heard through

793
00:39:23,400 --> 00:39:26,279
Speaker 1: other friends that this person no funk with you with

794
00:39:26,360 --> 00:39:29,600
Speaker 1: me and Devot was so confused and bewildered, and I

795
00:39:29,640 --> 00:39:32,719
Speaker 1: think Molly kind of hurt, like wow, like I was

796
00:39:32,760 --> 00:39:36,160
Speaker 1: really hurt. I know, I want to put you out

797
00:39:36,160 --> 00:39:38,360
Speaker 1: there like that, but you were hurt because you felt

798
00:39:38,400 --> 00:39:41,040
Speaker 1: like this was somebody that was a friend and he

799
00:39:41,160 --> 00:39:42,600
Speaker 1: was just like, no, I don't funk with Divot like that,

800
00:39:42,600 --> 00:39:45,399
Speaker 1: because if I don't know when to stop and what

801
00:39:45,400 --> 00:39:49,120
Speaker 1: what made you in that moment just feel like damn,

802
00:39:49,239 --> 00:39:51,399
Speaker 1: I might have gone too far or I didn't even

803
00:39:51,440 --> 00:39:55,520
Speaker 1: know I was going too far, because I know that

804
00:39:55,520 --> 00:39:59,600
Speaker 1: I can be a very um assertive person. I have

805
00:39:59,640 --> 00:40:03,279
Speaker 1: a law personality. I understand that, and I have a

806
00:40:03,280 --> 00:40:05,080
Speaker 1: slick mouth. I get that, right, That's what I was saying.

807
00:40:05,080 --> 00:40:07,480
Speaker 1: Remember when I said ship changed after college, it was

808
00:40:07,520 --> 00:40:11,960
Speaker 1: because of this scenario. Um, people think bullying started in

809
00:40:12,360 --> 00:40:14,879
Speaker 1: social media and two thousand's that's what people think, right,

810
00:40:15,040 --> 00:40:17,400
Speaker 1: But they would stop the bullying campaigns when we were

811
00:40:17,440 --> 00:40:19,640
Speaker 1: growing up. And I remember a lot of the TV

812
00:40:19,680 --> 00:40:22,200
Speaker 1: shows that we used to watch all revolved around bullying,

813
00:40:22,840 --> 00:40:26,800
Speaker 1: you know, Saved by the Bell. I think always it

814
00:40:26,920 --> 00:40:28,759
Speaker 1: was bullies, right. I never want to be bullied. So

815
00:40:28,760 --> 00:40:30,880
Speaker 1: now I'll get to college. And I get to college

816
00:40:30,920 --> 00:40:33,560
Speaker 1: on five nine at the time a hundred and forty

817
00:40:33,600 --> 00:40:36,560
Speaker 1: eight pounds. The first thing I said was, ain't nobody

818
00:40:36,560 --> 00:40:39,080
Speaker 1: in this locker room bullying me? I was a walk on.

819
00:40:39,719 --> 00:40:41,879
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. Upper classmate at that time

820
00:40:42,000 --> 00:40:44,960
Speaker 1: tend to bully freshman. So my thing is I always

821
00:40:45,000 --> 00:40:47,799
Speaker 1: had to protect my space and my piece. So I'm

822
00:40:47,840 --> 00:40:49,960
Speaker 1: going to walk into this locker room and I'm going

823
00:40:50,040 --> 00:40:53,680
Speaker 1: to find the person that everybody seems to revolve around

824
00:40:53,719 --> 00:40:55,600
Speaker 1: and may be scared of and We're gonna go back

825
00:40:55,640 --> 00:40:57,879
Speaker 1: and forth because I want them to know, like, I'm

826
00:40:57,920 --> 00:41:00,840
Speaker 1: not gonna be the one. So and my way of

827
00:41:00,880 --> 00:41:03,560
Speaker 1: doing that was with jokes, you know what I'm saying.

828
00:41:03,560 --> 00:41:06,200
Speaker 1: So I'm never afraid to go back and forth with people.

829
00:41:06,440 --> 00:41:08,719
Speaker 1: And I just wanted to I wanted to assert my

830
00:41:08,800 --> 00:41:11,399
Speaker 1: space in the locker room. That's what it was. Now,

831
00:41:12,160 --> 00:41:14,680
Speaker 1: the locker room etiquette is very different than the real world.

832
00:41:14,760 --> 00:41:17,000
Speaker 1: There are things that happened in the locker room that

833
00:41:17,080 --> 00:41:18,719
Speaker 1: you can't take out in the real world and just

834
00:41:18,760 --> 00:41:20,279
Speaker 1: be like, oh, that's just how people are, because the

835
00:41:20,320 --> 00:41:22,279
Speaker 1: locker room is a different space. You know what I'm saying.

836
00:41:22,320 --> 00:41:25,440
Speaker 1: It's it's almost like your your friend group. Right, you

837
00:41:25,480 --> 00:41:26,759
Speaker 1: got a friend group. You can call them to other

838
00:41:26,800 --> 00:41:28,879
Speaker 1: bitch bitch, bitch, whate bitch bitch. But you go out

839
00:41:28,880 --> 00:41:30,520
Speaker 1: in the real world somebody call you a bit, You'll

840
00:41:30,520 --> 00:41:33,160
Speaker 1: be like, who are you talking? Right, there's a permission

841
00:41:33,160 --> 00:41:35,960
Speaker 1: that you have permission in certain arenas that that's okay,

842
00:41:36,000 --> 00:41:38,600
Speaker 1: there's certain things okay. So in this space I thought

843
00:41:39,120 --> 00:41:42,400
Speaker 1: we were all safe and everybody was okay. You also

844
00:41:42,440 --> 00:41:44,920
Speaker 1: find out that, um, it doesn't matter how big a

845
00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:47,680
Speaker 1: person is, how much muscle they got, how much strong

846
00:41:47,719 --> 00:41:50,680
Speaker 1: they act. They can feel bullied as well and not

847
00:41:50,760 --> 00:41:54,239
Speaker 1: saying anything, And in this case, that person felt like

848
00:41:54,280 --> 00:41:58,040
Speaker 1: I was bullying them. Unbeknownst to me, they were still

849
00:41:58,040 --> 00:42:00,200
Speaker 1: smiling with me and laughed with me and make can

850
00:42:00,200 --> 00:42:02,040
Speaker 1: me feel like everything was cool. So I kept the

851
00:42:02,120 --> 00:42:04,880
Speaker 1: jokes coming and we kept joking on each other. But

852
00:42:04,960 --> 00:42:09,120
Speaker 1: in the whole time, that person didn't think it was cool. Right, Um,

853
00:42:09,160 --> 00:42:12,000
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be honest, I don't think that that's bullying.

854
00:42:12,200 --> 00:42:14,600
Speaker 1: You can't let me feel like things are okay and

855
00:42:14,600 --> 00:42:16,120
Speaker 1: then later on and say you don't sunk with me.

856
00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:19,280
Speaker 1: I think that's corny. If you just said to me like, yo,

857
00:42:19,320 --> 00:42:21,360
Speaker 1: you know, like why you're doing too much, I probably

858
00:42:21,360 --> 00:42:22,960
Speaker 1: would have stopped in that moment. But I thought we

859
00:42:22,960 --> 00:42:25,120
Speaker 1: were both enjoying it. So I don't think that's bullying.

860
00:42:25,239 --> 00:42:27,560
Speaker 1: But I do think someone with that type of personality

861
00:42:27,640 --> 00:42:31,120
Speaker 1: like mine, and if I choose to continue to tell

862
00:42:31,200 --> 00:42:33,040
Speaker 1: jokes on you when I know that it's not funny

863
00:42:33,080 --> 00:42:35,239
Speaker 1: to you around and you're always the butt of the

864
00:42:35,320 --> 00:42:38,319
Speaker 1: joke to everybody else, that's bullying got you. So there's

865
00:42:38,360 --> 00:42:42,440
Speaker 1: an awareness that the person who is potentially bullying or

866
00:42:42,480 --> 00:42:45,080
Speaker 1: like spewing the jobs and awareness you have to have.

867
00:42:45,680 --> 00:42:48,120
Speaker 1: Had you been aware that I've been aware of feel good,

868
00:42:48,200 --> 00:42:50,040
Speaker 1: then you would have been like now right. And to

869
00:42:50,080 --> 00:42:52,120
Speaker 1: be honest, my guard was down because I'm dealing with

870
00:42:52,160 --> 00:42:55,439
Speaker 1: football players, So I'm like, I'm not expecting any other

871
00:42:55,520 --> 00:43:00,719
Speaker 1: football players to be upset because with making jokes like,

872
00:43:00,760 --> 00:43:04,520
Speaker 1: that's just never what I was expecting. But just because

873
00:43:04,560 --> 00:43:06,520
Speaker 1: you don't expect it doesn't mean and that's a whole

874
00:43:06,520 --> 00:43:09,080
Speaker 1: another another podcast we wanna talk about get out of

875
00:43:09,120 --> 00:43:11,560
Speaker 1: my feelings, Like you can't tell someone how to respond

876
00:43:11,600 --> 00:43:14,479
Speaker 1: to what you say, and I learned in that case,

877
00:43:14,480 --> 00:43:16,840
Speaker 1: and that's why I've kind of dialed back how I

878
00:43:16,880 --> 00:43:19,320
Speaker 1: approach and how I go back and forth with people,

879
00:43:19,320 --> 00:43:22,120
Speaker 1: because I've learned that people are not always honest about

880
00:43:22,120 --> 00:43:25,040
Speaker 1: what affects them because, like what we talked about earlier,

881
00:43:25,040 --> 00:43:27,279
Speaker 1: you don't want to be seeing it soft, so you

882
00:43:27,360 --> 00:43:30,880
Speaker 1: let things happen to you because you don't want to

883
00:43:30,920 --> 00:43:33,520
Speaker 1: say anything publicly, so you just let it happen me

884
00:43:33,600 --> 00:43:36,520
Speaker 1: while you're developing resentment towards the person that's doing it.

885
00:43:37,000 --> 00:43:38,799
Speaker 1: So I've learned to just be like, you know what

886
00:43:39,440 --> 00:43:42,120
Speaker 1: I don't want to have that problem. So when it

887
00:43:42,160 --> 00:43:44,040
Speaker 1: comes to that back and forth, I just don't engage

888
00:43:44,080 --> 00:43:46,239
Speaker 1: as much because I do go for the gust though.

889
00:43:46,800 --> 00:43:48,440
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, Like, that's the way I

890
00:43:48,520 --> 00:43:50,920
Speaker 1: was taught. You want to make a joke about me,

891
00:43:50,960 --> 00:43:52,719
Speaker 1: I'm gonna make a joke about your mother. You know

892
00:43:52,760 --> 00:43:53,959
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. You want to make a joke about

893
00:43:53,960 --> 00:43:56,279
Speaker 1: my mother, might a joke about your life, and then

894
00:43:56,320 --> 00:43:58,160
Speaker 1: people like, damn, you got personal. I like, the purpose

895
00:43:58,200 --> 00:43:59,920
Speaker 1: of a joke is to win, Like you know, that's

896
00:43:59,920 --> 00:44:02,480
Speaker 1: the purpose, But people don't play that way. In the

897
00:44:02,560 --> 00:44:07,279
Speaker 1: nineties in Brooklyn, that's we used to play baby with

898
00:44:07,320 --> 00:44:10,160
Speaker 1: the heightened sensitivity. You can't joke about nothing. Think about

899
00:44:10,160 --> 00:44:11,959
Speaker 1: even some of the shows and movies that we watched

900
00:44:12,600 --> 00:44:14,480
Speaker 1: scenes they were just like, damn, you can't even say

901
00:44:14,480 --> 00:44:17,200
Speaker 1: that that's picking on a particular group of people. Or

902
00:44:17,239 --> 00:44:19,759
Speaker 1: it's just like you know, you know what I talking to.

903
00:44:21,200 --> 00:44:26,520
Speaker 1: Kids who have fights end up becoming best friends. Give

904
00:44:26,560 --> 00:44:30,800
Speaker 1: you an example. Kendell Ali was my best friend since

905
00:44:31,920 --> 00:44:36,560
Speaker 1: I think eleven, all the way through high school. This

906
00:44:36,640 --> 00:44:38,600
Speaker 1: was my guy, Like he's my guy, you know how

907
00:44:38,600 --> 00:44:41,760
Speaker 1: Me and Kendell met when I was nine. I stayed

908
00:44:41,760 --> 00:44:46,800
Speaker 1: home from I stayed home from Tennessee and um the summer,

909
00:44:47,120 --> 00:44:52,120
Speaker 1: and I went to Glenwood Projects Community summer program, right

910
00:44:52,480 --> 00:44:54,840
Speaker 1: And I was one of the only kids from Carnarcia

911
00:44:54,880 --> 00:44:57,759
Speaker 1: that went to that program. Everybody else there was from Flatbush,

912
00:44:58,040 --> 00:45:00,640
Speaker 1: so I was the odd man out, and and I

913
00:45:00,680 --> 00:45:03,880
Speaker 1: didn't know anybody. So I'm walking into this arena with nobody,

914
00:45:04,280 --> 00:45:06,600
Speaker 1: and we're at glen War Projects Community Center. Everybody in

915
00:45:06,640 --> 00:45:08,719
Speaker 1: the is from the fifties, you know what I'm saying,

916
00:45:08,760 --> 00:45:11,400
Speaker 1: from the area of Flatbush, the forties. And here comes

917
00:45:11,400 --> 00:45:15,640
Speaker 1: his kid from a hundred and first Street, and I

918
00:45:15,840 --> 00:45:18,880
Speaker 1: was remember me and Kendell, it was always the you

919
00:45:18,920 --> 00:45:21,560
Speaker 1: know who, who runs the fastest, who jumps the highest,

920
00:45:21,560 --> 00:45:24,080
Speaker 1: who's the best basketball players, the best football player? And

921
00:45:24,120 --> 00:45:26,200
Speaker 1: it always came down from shoot, this kid from Cannazi

922
00:45:26,239 --> 00:45:28,920
Speaker 1: pretty fast, and Kendell was known at that time as

923
00:45:28,960 --> 00:45:32,000
Speaker 1: the fastest kid in the program. So every they kind

924
00:45:32,040 --> 00:45:33,560
Speaker 1: of pinned us against each other. It was fast de

925
00:45:33,640 --> 00:45:35,560
Speaker 1: vali Can Dell de val can Dell blah blah blah.

926
00:45:35,560 --> 00:45:37,279
Speaker 1: Plus there was a couple of girls that he liked

927
00:45:37,280 --> 00:45:38,839
Speaker 1: that I liked, and you know, it was like one

928
00:45:38,840 --> 00:45:40,960
Speaker 1: of those things. So I'm going to get water from

929
00:45:40,960 --> 00:45:42,680
Speaker 1: the waterfowling and he had his group of friends. I

930
00:45:42,680 --> 00:45:44,680
Speaker 1: was by myself and it was him and his group

931
00:45:44,719 --> 00:45:47,359
Speaker 1: of friends and I'm waiting in line for the water

932
00:45:47,360 --> 00:45:49,000
Speaker 1: and I'm watching them and they're laughing into whatever, and

933
00:45:49,040 --> 00:45:50,560
Speaker 1: I'm just like they're gonna try something this or whatever

934
00:45:50,600 --> 00:45:52,880
Speaker 1: whatever they try, so it's about to be on. It

935
00:45:53,120 --> 00:45:55,120
Speaker 1: was only me and my little brother Brian. Brian was

936
00:45:55,160 --> 00:45:58,400
Speaker 1: seven every time, so I got to get some o

937
00:45:58,880 --> 00:46:01,399
Speaker 1: my brother, don't play no good. I go to get

938
00:46:01,400 --> 00:46:05,200
Speaker 1: some water and drinking the water and I feel in

939
00:46:05,320 --> 00:46:08,640
Speaker 1: hand push my head in the water and then the

940
00:46:08,640 --> 00:46:11,000
Speaker 1: water went up my nose. So I look back and

941
00:46:11,000 --> 00:46:14,359
Speaker 1: it's Kendell right, so I go, yo, chill right, he goes.

942
00:46:15,440 --> 00:46:16,920
Speaker 1: So I go to get some more water, right, and

943
00:46:17,000 --> 00:46:19,080
Speaker 1: he pushes my head in the water. So you know

944
00:46:19,120 --> 00:46:21,839
Speaker 1: what I do. I take all the water in my mouth,

945
00:46:22,520 --> 00:46:24,640
Speaker 1: fill it up like a chipmunk in my cheeks, turnaround

946
00:46:24,640 --> 00:46:27,080
Speaker 1: and spit all that water in his face. What do

947
00:46:27,080 --> 00:46:30,680
Speaker 1: you think happen? After that? We start fighting. We're throwing punches,

948
00:46:30,719 --> 00:46:32,719
Speaker 1: we slamming each other on the ground, we get broken up,

949
00:46:32,760 --> 00:46:37,920
Speaker 1: and you know what happened after that, we became best friends.

950
00:46:38,080 --> 00:46:41,239
Speaker 1: This is and and this is the truth. Though kids

951
00:46:41,320 --> 00:46:44,520
Speaker 1: don't fight no more, right, kids don't fight no more

952
00:46:44,600 --> 00:46:48,560
Speaker 1: like um, the times have changed. Kids often just resorting

953
00:46:48,600 --> 00:46:51,799
Speaker 1: the violence too quickly. But you know what happens when

954
00:46:51,800 --> 00:46:54,439
Speaker 1: those things to happen in nine years old? You fight,

955
00:46:54,480 --> 00:46:56,239
Speaker 1: You fight, You realize I'm not afraid of you, You're

956
00:46:56,239 --> 00:46:57,839
Speaker 1: not afraid of me. We have a lot more in

957
00:46:57,880 --> 00:47:00,960
Speaker 1: common than we have again see each other. We might

958
00:47:01,000 --> 00:47:03,439
Speaker 1: as well be territorial thing like I feel like people

959
00:47:03,440 --> 00:47:05,520
Speaker 1: trying to be territorial with like someone coming into the

960
00:47:05,520 --> 00:47:08,560
Speaker 1: new neighborhood or freshman coming into it, and then the

961
00:47:08,600 --> 00:47:11,040
Speaker 1: seniors and juniors are like the new. It's almost like

962
00:47:11,080 --> 00:47:14,319
Speaker 1: an initiation process that has to happen, right, and it's

963
00:47:14,320 --> 00:47:16,920
Speaker 1: just see worthy of being a part of And he

964
00:47:17,040 --> 00:47:21,040
Speaker 1: walked in our crew. And to be honest, it kind

965
00:47:21,040 --> 00:47:22,880
Speaker 1: of was that because me and I grew up on

966
00:47:22,920 --> 00:47:25,120
Speaker 1: fifty third Street in the Avenue D and then we

967
00:47:25,160 --> 00:47:26,799
Speaker 1: moved to the hundreds. At the time there was only

968
00:47:26,800 --> 00:47:28,959
Speaker 1: white people in Canarsi. We were the third black family

969
00:47:29,000 --> 00:47:30,759
Speaker 1: in Canarsi. So when They looked at me and it's like, oh,

970
00:47:30,760 --> 00:47:32,560
Speaker 1: where you live And I'm not gonna live in Canarsi.

971
00:47:33,280 --> 00:47:35,400
Speaker 1: It wasn't the flossy as it was now. This was

972
00:47:36,920 --> 00:47:38,600
Speaker 1: so like you live in canars you live with the

973
00:47:38,600 --> 00:47:40,960
Speaker 1: white people like you saw. So it was like they

974
00:47:40,960 --> 00:47:42,719
Speaker 1: were going to test me to see but little then

975
00:47:42,760 --> 00:47:44,440
Speaker 1: they knew I grew up in Flatbush my whole life.

976
00:47:44,480 --> 00:47:47,080
Speaker 1: So I was with whatever. And that's and that And

977
00:47:47,080 --> 00:47:50,440
Speaker 1: I think sometimes you're gonna get tested in life, and

978
00:47:50,480 --> 00:47:52,480
Speaker 1: how you respond to the test is going to determine

979
00:47:52,480 --> 00:47:54,960
Speaker 1: how the trajectory of your life goes. And I want

980
00:47:54,960 --> 00:47:57,680
Speaker 1: to empower not only parents with their kids, but parents

981
00:47:57,680 --> 00:48:03,320
Speaker 1: with themselves. Right, learn how to speak power into your spouse,

982
00:48:04,160 --> 00:48:06,880
Speaker 1: into the your significant other, because you don't know what

983
00:48:06,920 --> 00:48:09,560
Speaker 1: your significant other, your spouse goes through when they're at work.

984
00:48:10,200 --> 00:48:12,279
Speaker 1: You don't know if they're being bullied at work. You

985
00:48:12,280 --> 00:48:14,880
Speaker 1: don't know if they're you know if their boss is

986
00:48:15,440 --> 00:48:19,279
Speaker 1: overstepping boundaries. So when you can empower your spouse or

987
00:48:19,320 --> 00:48:23,080
Speaker 1: your significant other to feel confident and breathe confidence into

988
00:48:23,080 --> 00:48:25,040
Speaker 1: them when they walk out into the world, you're helping

989
00:48:25,080 --> 00:48:27,760
Speaker 1: them not be a victim. And that's the most important

990
00:48:27,760 --> 00:48:29,400
Speaker 1: part is like, what are we doing to help the

991
00:48:29,440 --> 00:48:32,240
Speaker 1: people we love? Rather than pointing the finger that everyone

992
00:48:32,280 --> 00:48:35,120
Speaker 1: else in society and saying, y'all need to teach y'all people.

993
00:48:35,600 --> 00:48:38,439
Speaker 1: What are we doing right? Gentlemen, what are you doing

994
00:48:38,520 --> 00:48:40,920
Speaker 1: to speak power into your women and your wife so

995
00:48:40,960 --> 00:48:43,240
Speaker 1: they can go out in the world and feel confident? Ladies,

996
00:48:43,719 --> 00:48:45,799
Speaker 1: what kind of power are you speaking into your men

997
00:48:45,880 --> 00:48:47,319
Speaker 1: so when they go out in the world they don't

998
00:48:47,320 --> 00:48:49,319
Speaker 1: feel like they're being bullied by everyone else, and then

999
00:48:49,360 --> 00:48:52,360
Speaker 1: coming home and then once again being bullied because they

1000
00:48:52,320 --> 00:48:55,080
Speaker 1: ain't nothing like coming home after hard day's work and

1001
00:48:55,160 --> 00:48:58,440
Speaker 1: having your significant other or your mom, or your dad

1002
00:48:58,560 --> 00:49:00,720
Speaker 1: or your older brother say to you, you ain't ship,

1003
00:49:00,760 --> 00:49:02,760
Speaker 1: you ain't gonna be shipped, You ain't never gonna be shipped.

1004
00:49:03,000 --> 00:49:05,800
Speaker 1: Now you're getting bullied at home, and now the victim

1005
00:49:06,360 --> 00:49:09,799
Speaker 1: victimizing of yourself starts in the very beginning of your day.

1006
00:49:09,800 --> 00:49:12,080
Speaker 1: So I just want to empower people to you know,

1007
00:49:12,080 --> 00:49:14,120
Speaker 1: when you look at the person across me that you love,

1008
00:49:14,600 --> 00:49:17,400
Speaker 1: take the time to just speak some words of power

1009
00:49:17,480 --> 00:49:20,440
Speaker 1: and make them feel confident. And also choose the time

1010
00:49:20,920 --> 00:49:22,600
Speaker 1: that's good because Conine will tell you to. Since she

1011
00:49:22,680 --> 00:49:25,360
Speaker 1: was in college, I've been teaching her techniques to defend herself.

1012
00:49:26,040 --> 00:49:28,719
Speaker 1: You know, we've talked about self defense. Can you talk

1013
00:49:28,760 --> 00:49:31,399
Speaker 1: about boxing. I've talked about taking her to the range.

1014
00:49:31,440 --> 00:49:33,520
Speaker 1: We haven't gone to the gun range yet, but I'm

1015
00:49:33,560 --> 00:49:37,640
Speaker 1: taking her. But it's also a responsible thing to make

1016
00:49:37,640 --> 00:49:41,480
Speaker 1: sure that you give them the necessary tools to not

1017
00:49:41,640 --> 00:49:45,480
Speaker 1: be a victim. And it's like a worst case scenario.

1018
00:49:45,560 --> 00:49:48,359
Speaker 1: If you need to defend, then you can call on

1019
00:49:48,480 --> 00:49:50,839
Speaker 1: the things that you were taught, whether it's defense or

1020
00:49:50,880 --> 00:49:55,200
Speaker 1: you knowekwondo or martial arts or whatever. So it's all

1021
00:49:55,239 --> 00:49:57,160
Speaker 1: about giving them the tools, but also giving them the

1022
00:49:57,200 --> 00:49:59,959
Speaker 1: emotional tools to feel okay with who they are. I love.

1023
00:50:00,080 --> 00:50:02,160
Speaker 1: That's how we can prevent bullying the best. All the

1024
00:50:02,200 --> 00:50:06,480
Speaker 1: other things will help, but that empowerment helps the most,

1025
00:50:06,560 --> 00:50:09,359
Speaker 1: and it starts at home. Awesome. All right, now, that's

1026
00:50:09,360 --> 00:50:11,040
Speaker 1: a good point. I think that we should take another

1027
00:50:11,120 --> 00:50:13,400
Speaker 1: quick break and then move into some listener letters. But

1028
00:50:13,520 --> 00:50:16,239
Speaker 1: let's get into these ads first. Okay, we'll be back.

1029
00:50:25,600 --> 00:50:27,359
Speaker 1: All right, now, we're back with some listener letters. I'm

1030
00:50:27,360 --> 00:50:29,399
Speaker 1: gonna dive into the first one first. I just want

1031
00:50:29,400 --> 00:50:32,400
Speaker 1: to say, Katina, thank you are my kindred spirit. Oh seriously,

1032
00:50:32,880 --> 00:50:35,480
Speaker 1: My parents are from Jamaica, but I was born in Florida.

1033
00:50:35,680 --> 00:50:37,880
Speaker 1: My boyfriend is American and was born and raised in

1034
00:50:37,880 --> 00:50:40,640
Speaker 1: New York. I love listening to you both. Thank you sis.

1035
00:50:41,120 --> 00:50:43,880
Speaker 1: So you know Caribbean households do not discuss taboo topics,

1036
00:50:43,880 --> 00:50:47,200
Speaker 1: So I've learned so much from this podcast. My boyfriend

1037
00:50:47,200 --> 00:50:49,279
Speaker 1: and I have been together for a year now, but

1038
00:50:49,440 --> 00:50:52,600
Speaker 1: previously had a friends with benefits relationship. Due to the

1039
00:50:52,600 --> 00:50:55,640
Speaker 1: way the relationships started and both of us becoming more

1040
00:50:55,719 --> 00:51:00,400
Speaker 1: spiritual in the last year, I proposed celibacy. My boyfriend

1041
00:51:00,440 --> 00:51:02,200
Speaker 1: thought it was a good idea, but struggles a lot

1042
00:51:02,239 --> 00:51:07,760
Speaker 1: with it, and we have. We have caved a couple

1043
00:51:07,760 --> 00:51:11,439
Speaker 1: of times, but also remain adamant about trying again. We've

1044
00:51:11,440 --> 00:51:14,120
Speaker 1: talked about marriage and see it as see it in

1045
00:51:14,160 --> 00:51:17,440
Speaker 1: the plans for us within the next two years. What

1046
00:51:17,520 --> 00:51:18,920
Speaker 1: do you both think Is it worth it to take

1047
00:51:18,920 --> 00:51:20,960
Speaker 1: a break from sex sex to strength in our relationship

1048
00:51:21,000 --> 00:51:23,960
Speaker 1: in other ways? Is that something you wish you all

1049
00:51:24,000 --> 00:51:26,319
Speaker 1: would have done or do you think that it just

1050
00:51:27,719 --> 00:51:29,319
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, or do you think that it would have

1051
00:51:29,360 --> 00:51:31,520
Speaker 1: made a difference. I really want him to be my

1052
00:51:31,600 --> 00:51:34,040
Speaker 1: husband and just want to set us up for success.

1053
00:51:34,280 --> 00:51:37,640
Speaker 1: I would love to know your thoughts. Why do you laugh? No,

1054
00:51:37,800 --> 00:51:42,520
Speaker 1: I just I just okay what I was thinking. Okay,

1055
00:51:43,160 --> 00:51:46,080
Speaker 1: Actually she kind of proved right, Okay, right, I was

1056
00:51:46,120 --> 00:51:48,279
Speaker 1: thinking she proposed celibacy because she's just like, I want

1057
00:51:48,280 --> 00:51:50,279
Speaker 1: to get married, and if I say, I'm going to

1058
00:51:50,360 --> 00:51:53,239
Speaker 1: be selling. So you look at the last sentence, it

1059
00:51:53,320 --> 00:51:55,600
Speaker 1: says I really want him to be my husband, and

1060
00:51:55,640 --> 00:51:58,400
Speaker 1: I just want to set usself for success. I personally

1061
00:51:58,440 --> 00:52:01,239
Speaker 1: feel like it's like that's her pressure on him. Yes,

1062
00:52:01,680 --> 00:52:03,680
Speaker 1: I feel like it's like, even having sex all this time,

1063
00:52:04,200 --> 00:52:07,239
Speaker 1: let's practice celibacy until we get married. And then it's like,

1064
00:52:08,160 --> 00:52:09,959
Speaker 1: I'm just that's just my thoughts. I could be wrong,

1065
00:52:10,520 --> 00:52:12,680
Speaker 1: but I just see that. But my thing when I

1066
00:52:12,719 --> 00:52:15,040
Speaker 1: first read this was like, since is it really that

1067
00:52:15,120 --> 00:52:17,480
Speaker 1: big of a deal to stop now, like y'all already started.

1068
00:52:17,520 --> 00:52:19,440
Speaker 1: It's different if you went into it with that mantra

1069
00:52:19,520 --> 00:52:22,160
Speaker 1: and you were like, listen, I'm saving myself for marriage,

1070
00:52:22,160 --> 00:52:24,880
Speaker 1: blah blah blah. But it's like, you know, bringing the

1071
00:52:24,920 --> 00:52:27,280
Speaker 1: horse to the water in the heat of the desert

1072
00:52:27,719 --> 00:52:29,520
Speaker 1: and he gets to drink in and then you take

1073
00:52:29,600 --> 00:52:31,319
Speaker 1: him away and be like, no, you're just gonna stay

1074
00:52:31,320 --> 00:52:37,000
Speaker 1: here and just burn because then you tried, remember when

1075
00:52:37,000 --> 00:52:39,239
Speaker 1: we were engaged, When we were engaged, and then after

1076
00:52:39,280 --> 00:52:41,359
Speaker 1: we were engaged, you were just like, how about how

1077
00:52:41,360 --> 00:52:43,799
Speaker 1: about we practice sales until we get married right after

1078
00:52:43,920 --> 00:52:47,600
Speaker 1: the month before the month before that before you know,

1079
00:52:48,480 --> 00:52:50,359
Speaker 1: I remember, but do you remember that you couldn't take

1080
00:52:50,360 --> 00:52:54,440
Speaker 1: you guys, listen to me, guys. I wanted to do

1081
00:52:54,440 --> 00:52:56,800
Speaker 1: it because I'm all about tests. I'm all about testing

1082
00:52:56,800 --> 00:52:58,600
Speaker 1: the wheel. So I was like, I'm about to do this. Right,

1083
00:52:58,880 --> 00:53:01,680
Speaker 1: we were still living in right and who was pulling

1084
00:53:01,719 --> 00:53:06,520
Speaker 1: on me? And nights just who was it? It was me? Yes,

1085
00:53:06,719 --> 00:53:08,759
Speaker 1: it was me. So my thing was it was twofold

1086
00:53:08,880 --> 00:53:11,360
Speaker 1: right after we got engaged and all that stuff. Of

1087
00:53:11,360 --> 00:53:16,920
Speaker 1: course we were clearly sexually active consistently forever before that. Um,

1088
00:53:16,960 --> 00:53:19,200
Speaker 1: but there's two things for me. It was one kind

1089
00:53:19,200 --> 00:53:21,200
Speaker 1: of feeling like all right, like I want our wedding

1090
00:53:21,320 --> 00:53:23,680
Speaker 1: night to be a special, and I was like, okay,

1091
00:53:23,680 --> 00:53:26,239
Speaker 1: maybe if we like stopped for the month before then

1092
00:53:26,239 --> 00:53:28,279
Speaker 1: it would be like, who like this build up to this,

1093
00:53:28,360 --> 00:53:30,719
Speaker 1: you know, phenomenal night that we would have our wedding night,

1094
00:53:31,160 --> 00:53:33,480
Speaker 1: and then the second was I had gotten off of

1095
00:53:33,520 --> 00:53:36,120
Speaker 1: birth control that May, and I was like, man, I

1096
00:53:36,200 --> 00:53:37,800
Speaker 1: was just like, I don't really want to get pregnant,

1097
00:53:37,840 --> 00:53:43,200
Speaker 1: like now, oh, like okay, believe you had all of

1098
00:53:43,200 --> 00:53:46,279
Speaker 1: these philosophical reasons and the only reason why you didn't

1099
00:53:46,280 --> 00:53:48,360
Speaker 1: want to do it because you ain't yeh. And I

1100
00:53:48,400 --> 00:53:49,919
Speaker 1: was just like nervous. I was just like, I really

1101
00:53:49,920 --> 00:53:52,800
Speaker 1: want to just get pregnant, like right after the wedding,

1102
00:53:52,920 --> 00:53:55,439
Speaker 1: not beforehand. So if I run the risk of that,

1103
00:53:55,840 --> 00:53:58,520
Speaker 1: then you know. So yeah, I thought you you were

1104
00:53:58,560 --> 00:54:02,320
Speaker 1: talking about our spirits. He was worried about your going. No,

1105
00:54:02,440 --> 00:54:04,239
Speaker 1: it wasn't even just a spirious. I just wanted there

1106
00:54:04,239 --> 00:54:06,560
Speaker 1: to be an excitement that was something different because it

1107
00:54:06,600 --> 00:54:08,560
Speaker 1: was like, oh my god, now I'm finally having sex

1108
00:54:08,640 --> 00:54:10,400
Speaker 1: or making love to my husband that night. So it

1109
00:54:10,480 --> 00:54:13,239
Speaker 1: wasn't really like a huge like you know, I'm doing

1110
00:54:13,239 --> 00:54:15,520
Speaker 1: this for my soul. And my master was worried she

1111
00:54:15,560 --> 00:54:17,480
Speaker 1: wasn't gonna fit in that address if she got pregnant.

1112
00:54:18,520 --> 00:54:21,360
Speaker 1: That's what it was. A month before, a month before

1113
00:54:21,440 --> 00:54:24,680
Speaker 1: because very control because I was like, you know, we

1114
00:54:24,760 --> 00:54:26,520
Speaker 1: knew that we wanted to have children right away. And

1115
00:54:26,520 --> 00:54:29,880
Speaker 1: then SO said so done honeymoon baby with Jackson. So

1116
00:54:30,320 --> 00:54:33,239
Speaker 1: but yeah, girl, I mean unless you felt like there

1117
00:54:33,320 --> 00:54:35,799
Speaker 1: was something specific that you guys had to work on,

1118
00:54:35,960 --> 00:54:38,560
Speaker 1: Like I understand the whole spirituality thing and you guys

1119
00:54:38,640 --> 00:54:41,719
Speaker 1: working on that. Um. But to me, as you know,

1120
00:54:41,760 --> 00:54:44,200
Speaker 1: as a jamaking, we say, what do is done. He

1121
00:54:44,320 --> 00:54:47,759
Speaker 1: did it already, you know. So Look, I can see

1122
00:54:47,760 --> 00:54:50,600
Speaker 1: why it's difficult for homeboy. I do believe too, though,

1123
00:54:50,760 --> 00:54:54,560
Speaker 1: that not having sex in a relationship does allow some

1124
00:54:54,680 --> 00:54:57,560
Speaker 1: room for clarity for sure, you know, because you know

1125
00:54:57,600 --> 00:54:59,680
Speaker 1: if you're here for the right reasons or right so

1126
00:55:00,040 --> 00:55:02,000
Speaker 1: are you here just because we get to have sex?

1127
00:55:02,160 --> 00:55:05,040
Speaker 1: Are you here for other things? Do I offer anything more?

1128
00:55:05,480 --> 00:55:07,799
Speaker 1: So I do understand it, and if it works for y'all,

1129
00:55:07,840 --> 00:55:10,400
Speaker 1: the works for y'all. Like I don't ever say this,

1130
00:55:10,480 --> 00:55:12,759
Speaker 1: don't this won't work, or that won't work. Because our

1131
00:55:12,760 --> 00:55:14,879
Speaker 1: whole marriage, people have been telling us of what we've

1132
00:55:14,880 --> 00:55:16,760
Speaker 1: been doing is not gonna work. So I'm never gonna

1133
00:55:16,760 --> 00:55:20,200
Speaker 1: say what's not gonna work. I'm just making sure that

1134
00:55:20,239 --> 00:55:23,880
Speaker 1: you are deliberate about why you're doing it and often

1135
00:55:24,000 --> 00:55:28,160
Speaker 1: communicating through the process, because most people just do stuff

1136
00:55:28,160 --> 00:55:30,120
Speaker 1: and don't have a reason or won't communicate with their

1137
00:55:30,160 --> 00:55:32,440
Speaker 1: partner why they're doing it. Just make sure that y'all

1138
00:55:32,480 --> 00:55:35,399
Speaker 1: are constantly communicating and working together, and it could be fun,

1139
00:55:35,440 --> 00:55:39,560
Speaker 1: you know, like um, those those that month, those two

1140
00:55:39,560 --> 00:55:43,200
Speaker 1: weeks because being caved right, not knowing when I was

1141
00:55:43,239 --> 00:55:44,800
Speaker 1: going to have sex, not in seeing case, she was

1142
00:55:44,840 --> 00:55:47,279
Speaker 1: looking real good and I was, you know, flirting with her,

1143
00:55:47,360 --> 00:55:49,040
Speaker 1: feeling on, doing all the things that you do when

1144
00:55:49,080 --> 00:55:52,440
Speaker 1: you first start dating someone. And it was refreshing to

1145
00:55:52,520 --> 00:55:55,960
Speaker 1: get back to not knowing if you're gonna crack the code,

1146
00:55:56,200 --> 00:55:58,359
Speaker 1: because that's what gentlemen, we wanted. We want to crack

1147
00:55:58,440 --> 00:56:00,160
Speaker 1: the code. We want to see if that pad lock

1148
00:56:00,239 --> 00:56:03,839
Speaker 1: on that pos, the padlock on that pols, then if

1149
00:56:03,880 --> 00:56:06,480
Speaker 1: I could cracked the cord and that pause. So it

1150
00:56:06,560 --> 00:56:10,400
Speaker 1: was fun. It was um, already cracked the cold on

1151
00:56:10,440 --> 00:56:12,960
Speaker 1: the parsley. I got four gifts from the parsley, so

1152
00:56:13,040 --> 00:56:18,760
Speaker 1: I would just keep taking the pause. Okay, period, that helps, alright.

1153
00:56:19,400 --> 00:56:23,200
Speaker 1: Two number two, I've been with my partner now since

1154
00:56:23,239 --> 00:56:26,000
Speaker 1: two thousand and sixteen. We went on and off until

1155
00:56:26,040 --> 00:56:28,719
Speaker 1: September of two thousand nineteen, and then began or then

1156
00:56:28,760 --> 00:56:31,360
Speaker 1: we've been together. I made it very clear to my

1157
00:56:31,400 --> 00:56:34,000
Speaker 1: partner when we got together that my end goal was

1158
00:56:34,040 --> 00:56:36,320
Speaker 1: married and my plan was to still go to law school.

1159
00:56:36,520 --> 00:56:40,080
Speaker 1: Where now almost eight years and then in no proposal engagement.

1160
00:56:40,200 --> 00:56:42,360
Speaker 1: He doesn't even know what ring size I had I

1161
00:56:42,440 --> 00:56:44,920
Speaker 1: wear and or has attempts to ask me what kind

1162
00:56:44,960 --> 00:56:47,719
Speaker 1: of ring style I like. He will tell you that

1163
00:56:47,719 --> 00:56:50,320
Speaker 1: this this is funny, right, this is what's funny to me.

1164
00:56:50,960 --> 00:56:54,640
Speaker 1: When I said the thing about pressure and everybody was

1165
00:56:54,680 --> 00:56:57,000
Speaker 1: coming at me, and all these women were saying like,

1166
00:56:57,000 --> 00:56:59,239
Speaker 1: we don't be pressure with y'all two back to back

1167
00:56:59,280 --> 00:57:01,880
Speaker 1: talk about what this? I WoT that. But when I

1168
00:57:01,960 --> 00:57:08,759
Speaker 1: said that there was pressure, Niggas was mad. He will

1169
00:57:08,840 --> 00:57:10,759
Speaker 1: tell you that his finances for him, he probably listened

1170
00:57:10,760 --> 00:57:14,120
Speaker 1: to podcast and let me use this. However, I've been

1171
00:57:14,160 --> 00:57:16,439
Speaker 1: there through all of his financial struggles and even helped

1172
00:57:16,480 --> 00:57:18,680
Speaker 1: him out a few of his bonds before. I've been

1173
00:57:18,680 --> 00:57:21,320
Speaker 1: patiently waiting for him to pursue his dreams. Now he's

1174
00:57:21,360 --> 00:57:24,240
Speaker 1: living in and more financially stable as a content creator.

1175
00:57:24,480 --> 00:57:26,560
Speaker 1: Mind you, when we lived in our one betterroom apartment

1176
00:57:26,560 --> 00:57:29,520
Speaker 1: in he wanted a kid, I was not comfortable with

1177
00:57:29,560 --> 00:57:31,920
Speaker 1: having a kid in the one betterom apartment. Sounds like us.

1178
00:57:32,560 --> 00:57:34,280
Speaker 1: We wasn't a one better apartment, but we didn't want

1179
00:57:34,280 --> 00:57:36,240
Speaker 1: to have as many kids we had in that apartment

1180
00:57:36,520 --> 00:57:39,160
Speaker 1: and no real financial plan. We survived the pandemic, bought

1181
00:57:39,160 --> 00:57:41,560
Speaker 1: our first condo, and three months later I got pregnant.

1182
00:57:41,920 --> 00:57:44,080
Speaker 1: I had her and still planned to start law school.

1183
00:57:44,320 --> 00:57:46,760
Speaker 1: I know, um, he knows. I wanted to have our

1184
00:57:46,840 --> 00:57:50,240
Speaker 1: union finalized prior to him, prior to me doing going

1185
00:57:50,280 --> 00:57:52,480
Speaker 1: to law school, so I don't have to worry about

1186
00:57:52,680 --> 00:57:55,560
Speaker 1: doing a name change and I can build my reputation

1187
00:57:55,600 --> 00:57:58,880
Speaker 1: in the legal community with my new last name. That's

1188
00:57:58,880 --> 00:58:00,960
Speaker 1: what it is. The new lad his name because she

1189
00:58:01,000 --> 00:58:03,280
Speaker 1: won't be able to build a career without the new

1190
00:58:03,400 --> 00:58:10,800
Speaker 1: last name. Here cracking the code cold Bush, I am

1191
00:58:10,840 --> 00:58:12,880
Speaker 1: now to the point where I'm not even excited about

1192
00:58:12,880 --> 00:58:14,680
Speaker 1: the thought of us becoming one and feel that I

1193
00:58:14,760 --> 00:58:17,200
Speaker 1: am slowly mentally leaving the relationship due to all the

1194
00:58:17,200 --> 00:58:19,960
Speaker 1: false promises of him saying to me he's going to

1195
00:58:20,000 --> 00:58:22,800
Speaker 1: be with me regardless of kid or no kid. He

1196
00:58:22,920 --> 00:58:24,680
Speaker 1: said he has a plan for the whole thing, but

1197
00:58:24,720 --> 00:58:26,960
Speaker 1: it's hard for me to believe at this point, considering

1198
00:58:27,000 --> 00:58:29,800
Speaker 1: I am always the one that brings up marriage. I

1199
00:58:29,840 --> 00:58:32,480
Speaker 1: refused to be thirty and a living girlfriend. As K

1200
00:58:32,720 --> 00:58:35,960
Speaker 1: would say, after eight years, I'm ready to get K.

1201
00:58:36,080 --> 00:58:38,560
Speaker 1: You also lied, it was not eight years. What do

1202
00:58:38,600 --> 00:58:41,200
Speaker 1: you mean it's not eight years? You keep telling people?

1203
00:58:43,200 --> 00:58:45,600
Speaker 1: Oh no, no no, no, but she said as K would

1204
00:58:45,640 --> 00:58:48,200
Speaker 1: say after eight years. Remember us said that we were

1205
00:58:48,680 --> 00:58:51,520
Speaker 1: together for eight years before I proposed. Yeah, we started

1206
00:58:51,640 --> 00:58:55,320
Speaker 1: eighteen and none. I proposed to you in two thousand

1207
00:58:55,360 --> 00:58:57,360
Speaker 1: and eight. We got together two thousand too. How many

1208
00:58:57,440 --> 00:59:02,720
Speaker 1: years is Dona six six eight? Same ship? Oh no,

1209
00:59:02,800 --> 00:59:07,440
Speaker 1: it's not, it's not. It was a two year difference.

1210
00:59:07,480 --> 00:59:10,880
Speaker 1: It's a whole seven hundred and twelve days difference and

1211
00:59:10,960 --> 00:59:16,480
Speaker 1: the same thing a long time. Yo, Yo, it ain't

1212
00:59:16,480 --> 00:59:19,640
Speaker 1: a long time regardless some two years. The two years

1213
00:59:19,640 --> 00:59:22,200
Speaker 1: difference doesn't matter, not much, all right. So next time

1214
00:59:22,240 --> 00:59:23,760
Speaker 1: you ask me for someone, make you wait two years

1215
00:59:23,760 --> 00:59:26,200
Speaker 1: and you're telling me you tell me that two years

1216
00:59:26,240 --> 00:59:30,840
Speaker 1: past difference? All right? I'm ready to give an ultimatum,

1217
00:59:31,120 --> 00:59:36,440
Speaker 1: pressure or just leave. At this point, am I being unreasonable?

1218
00:59:36,520 --> 00:59:38,520
Speaker 1: Please help well? Ship? Since you got only answer to

1219
00:59:38,560 --> 00:59:41,880
Speaker 1: answer her, so does you okay? Answer her? Because you

1220
00:59:41,880 --> 00:59:45,120
Speaker 1: you're speaking. She's asking about this from a man who

1221
00:59:45,960 --> 00:59:48,360
Speaker 1: now she's thinking to give some sort of ultimatum to

1222
00:59:48,400 --> 00:59:50,960
Speaker 1: which is like I gave you because I've answered this

1223
00:59:51,040 --> 01:00:00,320
Speaker 1: question so many times. Answer Listen. They have a plan, right,

1224
01:00:00,880 --> 01:00:03,440
Speaker 1: His plan may not be moving fast enough for her,

1225
01:00:03,960 --> 01:00:06,280
Speaker 1: but clearly they have a plan. They have a baby.

1226
01:00:06,360 --> 01:00:09,880
Speaker 1: He bought a condo. They bought a condo together. He's

1227
01:00:09,920 --> 01:00:12,880
Speaker 1: like doing this, this is something I bought a house, right,

1228
01:00:12,880 --> 01:00:15,320
Speaker 1: I bought a house together for us. We both lived

1229
01:00:15,320 --> 01:00:18,200
Speaker 1: in the house. But even with that, you still thought

1230
01:00:18,200 --> 01:00:20,320
Speaker 1: that we had to get married because it would be

1231
01:00:20,320 --> 01:00:23,640
Speaker 1: better for your timeline. There's nothing wrong with that. But

1232
01:00:23,720 --> 01:00:25,880
Speaker 1: what I'm saying is just because a man is not

1233
01:00:26,000 --> 01:00:28,440
Speaker 1: moving on your timeline doesn't mean that he doesn't have

1234
01:00:28,520 --> 01:00:32,360
Speaker 1: a plan. Like like, we don't know what his his

1235
01:00:32,440 --> 01:00:35,080
Speaker 1: financial plan looks like for when he feels he's going

1236
01:00:35,160 --> 01:00:38,160
Speaker 1: to be ready. For example, when you plan a wedding,

1237
01:00:38,200 --> 01:00:40,640
Speaker 1: you have to have money to get a ring. There's

1238
01:00:40,680 --> 01:00:42,840
Speaker 1: none of this falls on the woman, which is what

1239
01:00:42,960 --> 01:00:45,320
Speaker 1: to me, I want to make clear, we have to

1240
01:00:45,400 --> 01:00:48,360
Speaker 1: buy a ring, we have to pay for and uh,

1241
01:00:48,480 --> 01:00:51,480
Speaker 1: it's not an engagement. What is it called the proposal party?

1242
01:00:52,200 --> 01:00:55,560
Speaker 1: Because at that joint next level now can't roll over

1243
01:00:55,600 --> 01:00:59,200
Speaker 1: in the bed and proposes somebody. But we have to

1244
01:00:59,200 --> 01:01:02,080
Speaker 1: play the proposal plan a proposal party. There's no longer

1245
01:01:02,200 --> 01:01:04,960
Speaker 1: time where it's like her parents are gonna pay for

1246
01:01:05,000 --> 01:01:07,200
Speaker 1: the wedding. He also has to save money to pay

1247
01:01:07,560 --> 01:01:09,360
Speaker 1: help pay for the wedding, and then they have to

1248
01:01:09,400 --> 01:01:12,320
Speaker 1: exist as a couple after that. There's a lot. You

1249
01:01:12,360 --> 01:01:14,600
Speaker 1: don't just make a couple of thousand dollars and say

1250
01:01:14,720 --> 01:01:16,760
Speaker 1: I'm ready for all of that, Like there's a plan

1251
01:01:16,880 --> 01:01:19,600
Speaker 1: that is needed, and I don't think women are understanding

1252
01:01:19,920 --> 01:01:22,560
Speaker 1: that there is a plan like that. I have to

1253
01:01:22,600 --> 01:01:25,000
Speaker 1: have a certain amount of finances to be able to

1254
01:01:25,040 --> 01:01:27,520
Speaker 1: make that jump and then have a nest day to

1255
01:01:27,600 --> 01:01:31,520
Speaker 1: survive that jump once we get married, right, I mean,

1256
01:01:31,560 --> 01:01:34,000
Speaker 1: since I wouldn't say jumps ships so soon too. Because

1257
01:01:34,160 --> 01:01:36,360
Speaker 1: what you want to ask yourself to which is something

1258
01:01:36,400 --> 01:01:38,640
Speaker 1: that you kind of proved in your piece here, has

1259
01:01:38,680 --> 01:01:40,760
Speaker 1: he been a man of his words? So far? Has

1260
01:01:40,800 --> 01:01:43,280
Speaker 1: he been somebody that has a plan is putting wheels

1261
01:01:43,320 --> 01:01:45,960
Speaker 1: in motions to be able to afford you guys the

1262
01:01:46,000 --> 01:01:49,320
Speaker 1: lifestyle to live more comfortably. So it seems like getting

1263
01:01:49,320 --> 01:01:52,320
Speaker 1: this condo, even during the pandemic and all that was

1264
01:01:52,680 --> 01:01:56,400
Speaker 1: something of paramount importance to him. Um, maybe she felt

1265
01:01:56,400 --> 01:01:58,640
Speaker 1: like she compromised by getting pregnant because he wanted to

1266
01:01:58,680 --> 01:02:01,400
Speaker 1: have a child, house or not, and she went ahead

1267
01:02:01,400 --> 01:02:03,240
Speaker 1: and did that. So now she feels like, all right, well,

1268
01:02:03,520 --> 01:02:05,200
Speaker 1: we got the house, we have the baby, and now

1269
01:02:05,200 --> 01:02:07,880
Speaker 1: I'm ready to move on to what the next phase

1270
01:02:07,920 --> 01:02:10,120
Speaker 1: of life is. I know what that feels like because

1271
01:02:10,160 --> 01:02:12,160
Speaker 1: I felt the same way too. Did I ever really

1272
01:02:12,160 --> 01:02:14,000
Speaker 1: feel like you weren't serious about me, or that you

1273
01:02:14,000 --> 01:02:17,040
Speaker 1: weren't serious about our relationship? That wasn't it. But again,

1274
01:02:17,080 --> 01:02:20,240
Speaker 1: I was succumbing to this you know, timeline of my

1275
01:02:20,320 --> 01:02:23,560
Speaker 1: life and where I should be at certain phases. And

1276
01:02:23,600 --> 01:02:25,840
Speaker 1: I've said before that you know now you realize that

1277
01:02:25,840 --> 01:02:30,320
Speaker 1: that timeline is not necessarily um, something that's true based

1278
01:02:30,360 --> 01:02:33,320
Speaker 1: on social you know, norm. I just want to put

1279
01:02:33,360 --> 01:02:35,720
Speaker 1: this out there. I played in the National Football League

1280
01:02:36,480 --> 01:02:39,840
Speaker 1: for three years, made close to a million dollars right

1281
01:02:39,880 --> 01:02:43,320
Speaker 1: in those three years, to see sixty five and then

1282
01:02:43,520 --> 01:02:48,040
Speaker 1: four it was four fifty five, right even still when

1283
01:02:48,040 --> 01:02:52,920
Speaker 1: I bought that house, and were we prepared financially for

1284
01:02:53,000 --> 01:02:55,040
Speaker 1: the next step of our life even with all that

1285
01:02:55,080 --> 01:02:59,280
Speaker 1: money that I made, were we prepared? No? And I'm

1286
01:02:59,320 --> 01:03:01,320
Speaker 1: saying that because I'm like, here's a guy who's making

1287
01:03:01,320 --> 01:03:03,640
Speaker 1: in the top one percent of the country making that

1288
01:03:03,680 --> 01:03:06,760
Speaker 1: type of money. I wasn't spending it frivously. I did

1289
01:03:06,800 --> 01:03:08,880
Speaker 1: buy some property to help with investments. We did buy

1290
01:03:08,880 --> 01:03:11,000
Speaker 1: a home for us to live in, and even still

1291
01:03:11,040 --> 01:03:13,440
Speaker 1: after the recession, because we're currently in a recession and

1292
01:03:13,480 --> 01:03:15,919
Speaker 1: had to go through the pandemic, which means there's still

1293
01:03:15,920 --> 01:03:20,400
Speaker 1: probably are some financial hardships. I still wasn't prepared for

1294
01:03:20,440 --> 01:03:22,960
Speaker 1: the type of wedding you want and to live the

1295
01:03:22,960 --> 01:03:25,160
Speaker 1: type of life we wanted after the wedding. And I

1296
01:03:25,240 --> 01:03:27,680
Speaker 1: say that because a lot of these women are saying, well,

1297
01:03:27,800 --> 01:03:30,800
Speaker 1: he needs to figure this out. It's not easy. Stuff

1298
01:03:30,880 --> 01:03:35,760
Speaker 1: is expensive, getting a ring, planning, planning the proper proposal,

1299
01:03:36,360 --> 01:03:38,959
Speaker 1: having a wedding, and then having the finances to raise

1300
01:03:38,960 --> 01:03:42,720
Speaker 1: a family is no small order for somebody, Isn't it

1301
01:03:42,800 --> 01:03:45,240
Speaker 1: isn't I have to agree like this nowadays, And I mean,

1302
01:03:45,280 --> 01:03:53,040
Speaker 1: and this was our struggle years ago. Yeah, I'm the

1303
01:03:53,040 --> 01:03:56,120
Speaker 1: way things have evolved. It's like people look at you

1304
01:03:56,160 --> 01:03:59,040
Speaker 1: sideways when you have a corny quote unquote proposal, or

1305
01:03:59,080 --> 01:04:01,320
Speaker 1: if it's not a moment that can be shared on

1306
01:04:01,360 --> 01:04:05,680
Speaker 1: social media. They get all that. Let's let's let's break

1307
01:04:05,680 --> 01:04:08,560
Speaker 1: down the numbers. Right, Let's break down the numbers because

1308
01:04:08,560 --> 01:04:11,160
Speaker 1: I've been helping my boys proposed for the last four years.

1309
01:04:11,840 --> 01:04:15,400
Speaker 1: Right now, if you want to get a decent sized

1310
01:04:15,480 --> 01:04:18,880
Speaker 1: ring for your girlfriend, right, it's about ten tho dollars

1311
01:04:18,920 --> 01:04:23,560
Speaker 1: per carrot considering just the solid solitary stone. Right, that's

1312
01:04:23,600 --> 01:04:24,800
Speaker 1: if you want to get a nice joint. If you

1313
01:04:24,840 --> 01:04:26,320
Speaker 1: want to get a nice joint, it's just just like

1314
01:04:26,360 --> 01:04:28,600
Speaker 1: a single solitary stone, not not what they call it

1315
01:04:28,640 --> 01:04:33,919
Speaker 1: when they invisible an You can get an invisible set ring.

1316
01:04:34,160 --> 01:04:36,200
Speaker 1: And this is no shade on anybody. You can get

1317
01:04:36,200 --> 01:04:39,960
Speaker 1: an invisible set ring for hundred dollars. It could be big,

1318
01:04:40,000 --> 01:04:42,880
Speaker 1: it'll be shiny, it'll have a bunch of small diamonds

1319
01:04:42,960 --> 01:04:45,320
Speaker 1: over it. But the problem is a lot of women

1320
01:04:45,320 --> 01:04:48,680
Speaker 1: are saying, I want two carrots, I want three carrots.

1321
01:04:48,880 --> 01:04:50,560
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. Even if you buy a

1322
01:04:50,600 --> 01:04:54,840
Speaker 1: one carrot solitaire diamond ring with a good setting, that's

1323
01:04:54,840 --> 01:04:59,160
Speaker 1: gonna cost you about dollars. The stone itself at one

1324
01:04:59,200 --> 01:05:01,240
Speaker 1: carrot is going to be t thousand plus. The diamonds

1325
01:05:01,280 --> 01:05:05,000
Speaker 1: around they're gonna coach additional five thousand four or one carriage,

1326
01:05:05,240 --> 01:05:07,880
Speaker 1: two carriage, looking at three carriage, you're looking at over

1327
01:05:07,960 --> 01:05:12,320
Speaker 1: thirty dollars. Right, I'm just saying, this is what men

1328
01:05:12,360 --> 01:05:15,040
Speaker 1: are going through right now. I have to get a venue.

1329
01:05:15,280 --> 01:05:17,240
Speaker 1: I have to hire a videographer, I have to hire

1330
01:05:17,280 --> 01:05:19,960
Speaker 1: a photographer. I have to invite all of your friends

1331
01:05:20,000 --> 01:05:23,240
Speaker 1: and my friends and create this experience. Right, We've seen

1332
01:05:23,240 --> 01:05:26,520
Speaker 1: people get engaged in the last two years. Those things

1333
01:05:26,680 --> 01:05:30,880
Speaker 1: for us anywhere between between ten and twenty dollars for

1334
01:05:31,000 --> 01:05:37,160
Speaker 1: just the proposal. Right, That's that's money. Like, I just

1335
01:05:37,200 --> 01:05:39,160
Speaker 1: hear so many women saying, like, there's no financial plan.

1336
01:05:39,240 --> 01:05:40,800
Speaker 1: I want to get engaged, I want to get proposed.

1337
01:05:40,840 --> 01:05:44,480
Speaker 1: It's like, yo, I don't think women understand how much

1338
01:05:44,560 --> 01:05:47,640
Speaker 1: goes into trying to create this perfect moment for you guys,

1339
01:05:48,200 --> 01:05:50,440
Speaker 1: and to constantly here it's like Tom's ticking and you're

1340
01:05:50,480 --> 01:05:53,200
Speaker 1: not doing it. That's hard for a lot of dudes, bro,

1341
01:05:53,840 --> 01:05:57,520
Speaker 1: because my boys were stressed. Bro. And I'm talking about

1342
01:05:57,520 --> 01:06:00,840
Speaker 1: good guys who wanted to get married, who had good

1343
01:06:00,920 --> 01:06:04,880
Speaker 1: jobs but also had bills. And we're also thinking, like him,

1344
01:06:04,920 --> 01:06:07,600
Speaker 1: I can't spend fifty dollars on the ring and this

1345
01:06:07,800 --> 01:06:10,440
Speaker 1: right now, because then I won't have the money to

1346
01:06:10,560 --> 01:06:13,600
Speaker 1: plan the wedding, and then I'll be I'll be I'll

1347
01:06:13,640 --> 01:06:17,000
Speaker 1: be freaking engaged for four to five years. You don't

1348
01:06:17,000 --> 01:06:18,400
Speaker 1: saying to build it up, and then once I have

1349
01:06:18,520 --> 01:06:21,320
Speaker 1: the wedding, I'll be back in financial hardship after we

1350
01:06:21,400 --> 01:06:25,040
Speaker 1: get married. You understand what I'm saying. I just I

1351
01:06:25,080 --> 01:06:28,560
Speaker 1: just I really need I really, because we talked about this,

1352
01:06:28,640 --> 01:06:30,800
Speaker 1: I really need people to understand. Number One, you don't

1353
01:06:30,840 --> 01:06:34,480
Speaker 1: need that much to get engaged, right, you don't need

1354
01:06:34,520 --> 01:06:36,800
Speaker 1: that much. But I understand after you're engaged and there's

1355
01:06:36,800 --> 01:06:38,560
Speaker 1: a talk of when's the wedding, and then the wedding

1356
01:06:38,600 --> 01:06:40,240
Speaker 1: plans get powered on, and you can see why so

1357
01:06:40,240 --> 01:06:45,680
Speaker 1: many men are just hate the entire process of I'm

1358
01:06:45,760 --> 01:06:49,520
Speaker 1: just being honest because also asked I have a question

1359
01:06:49,560 --> 01:06:53,000
Speaker 1: for you, right, what do women think about They just

1360
01:06:53,000 --> 01:06:55,280
Speaker 1: sit back and wait to get proposed to. They're not

1361
01:06:55,360 --> 01:06:57,840
Speaker 1: saving no money to say I'm gonna put it on

1362
01:06:57,920 --> 01:07:01,200
Speaker 1: my own ring, right, Yeah, I mean I wouldn't. I

1363
01:07:01,240 --> 01:07:02,920
Speaker 1: definitely didn't put it in my own ran, and I'm

1364
01:07:02,960 --> 01:07:05,320
Speaker 1: sure people would be looking at people sideways when you

1365
01:07:05,440 --> 01:07:10,880
Speaker 1: say she's she's helping to buy her own. Also, we

1366
01:07:11,000 --> 01:07:14,320
Speaker 1: have people who got engaged in their significant others spend

1367
01:07:14,320 --> 01:07:18,560
Speaker 1: money on the engagements events. Right, did the woman bring

1368
01:07:18,600 --> 01:07:20,960
Speaker 1: anything to that or did they just show up? The

1369
01:07:21,080 --> 01:07:23,760
Speaker 1: show up? So so we have to have an understanding.

1370
01:07:23,800 --> 01:07:26,200
Speaker 1: You're showing up with ultimatums and times saying this has

1371
01:07:26,240 --> 01:07:28,560
Speaker 1: to happen, and this man is supposed to make all

1372
01:07:28,600 --> 01:07:31,440
Speaker 1: of this beauty happen for you. What are you bringing

1373
01:07:31,480 --> 01:07:35,600
Speaker 1: when you come to the proposal right now? You're absolutely right,

1374
01:07:35,600 --> 01:07:37,640
Speaker 1: I can't even and I got four birds, So this

1375
01:07:37,720 --> 01:07:40,400
Speaker 1: is gonna be the conversation I have. That is absolutely effect,

1376
01:07:40,760 --> 01:07:43,480
Speaker 1: That's absolutely a fact. I mean me now that I'm older, clearly,

1377
01:07:43,600 --> 01:07:46,840
Speaker 1: you know, at least ten years since you've proposed and

1378
01:07:46,880 --> 01:07:51,040
Speaker 1: we've planned a wedding and everything, my mindset has significantly changed.

1379
01:07:51,280 --> 01:07:53,360
Speaker 1: But I can see how girls in their twenties feel

1380
01:07:53,400 --> 01:07:56,400
Speaker 1: that way, especially when you have this like roadmap for

1381
01:07:56,440 --> 01:08:00,760
Speaker 1: your life that you're attempting to follow and attempting to fulfill. Um,

1382
01:08:00,800 --> 01:08:05,360
Speaker 1: it's difficult. It's difficult out here and couples, couples be

1383
01:08:05,440 --> 01:08:08,520
Speaker 1: contending with a lot. Oh man, how appropriate was that

1384
01:08:08,560 --> 01:08:10,680
Speaker 1: the bullying episode in here we have to bullies trying

1385
01:08:10,680 --> 01:08:14,280
Speaker 1: to get married bullies and again to getting married, and

1386
01:08:14,400 --> 01:08:16,920
Speaker 1: and the thing is moment for the episode. I'm not

1387
01:08:16,960 --> 01:08:19,680
Speaker 1: trying to discredit the fact that the biological clock and

1388
01:08:19,760 --> 01:08:23,360
Speaker 1: timeline for women aren't completely different for man. I'm not

1389
01:08:23,400 --> 01:08:25,720
Speaker 1: trying to discredit that at all. That is a very well,

1390
01:08:25,760 --> 01:08:27,640
Speaker 1: it's true because once the women hits thirty, there now

1391
01:08:28,520 --> 01:08:31,439
Speaker 1: becomes harder. But even so she becomes like a damaged

1392
01:08:31,479 --> 01:08:33,800
Speaker 1: good like guys you know, in their prime or women

1393
01:08:33,800 --> 01:08:38,080
Speaker 1: in their prime. People want to say that women in

1394
01:08:38,120 --> 01:08:40,720
Speaker 1: their thirties and men feeling like they don't want to

1395
01:08:40,720 --> 01:08:42,559
Speaker 1: deal with women in their thirst because they already come

1396
01:08:42,600 --> 01:08:44,639
Speaker 1: with baggage and they've already been jaded blah blah blah

1397
01:08:44,640 --> 01:08:47,080
Speaker 1: blah blah. So you don't want to then fall into

1398
01:08:47,120 --> 01:08:50,479
Speaker 1: that category just by default because homeboys over here quote

1399
01:08:50,520 --> 01:08:52,880
Speaker 1: unquote dragging his feet or making a plan. But I

1400
01:08:52,920 --> 01:08:55,000
Speaker 1: wasn't I wasn't talking about I was talking about as

1401
01:08:55,040 --> 01:08:58,479
Speaker 1: far as like the biological clock is very really, when

1402
01:08:58,520 --> 01:09:01,519
Speaker 1: you got into your thirties, pregnancy became harder. Once you

1403
01:09:01,560 --> 01:09:04,679
Speaker 1: got into your mid thirties, pregnancy became harder, child birth

1404
01:09:04,760 --> 01:09:07,600
Speaker 1: became harder, and then the after pregnancy became harder. So

1405
01:09:07,640 --> 01:09:09,960
Speaker 1: it's very real, like we're not going to discredit the

1406
01:09:09,960 --> 01:09:11,880
Speaker 1: fact that women are dealing with a lot of different

1407
01:09:11,880 --> 01:09:15,080
Speaker 1: clock which is why that type of pressure comes. But

1408
01:09:15,160 --> 01:09:17,200
Speaker 1: there has to be some empathy on both sides, Like

1409
01:09:17,240 --> 01:09:18,920
Speaker 1: you can't just tell a man like will we adam

1410
01:09:18,920 --> 01:09:21,479
Speaker 1: giving your ultimatum? Mom out you know what I'm saying,

1411
01:09:21,479 --> 01:09:25,479
Speaker 1: it's oh, stuff is expensive. When I was watching I

1412
01:09:25,520 --> 01:09:28,920
Speaker 1: was watching people go through planning, I was like, what

1413
01:09:29,000 --> 01:09:30,720
Speaker 1: are my boys gonna have to pay to get to

1414
01:09:30,760 --> 01:09:35,439
Speaker 1: get engaged? If it's ten dollars per carrot? Now if

1415
01:09:35,479 --> 01:09:39,720
Speaker 1: they marry somebody who's like their mom, Because I'm you,

1416
01:09:39,920 --> 01:09:42,680
Speaker 1: you sitting on some rockets right now, you sitting on

1417
01:09:42,720 --> 01:09:45,639
Speaker 1: some rockets. And I was able to upgrade it every year.

1418
01:09:46,160 --> 01:09:48,920
Speaker 1: But if I would have brought the same ring that

1419
01:09:48,960 --> 01:09:53,400
Speaker 1: I bought the first time now, because you've upgraded my

1420
01:09:53,520 --> 01:09:55,519
Speaker 1: ring twice. And that's a realistic thing too. I think

1421
01:09:55,520 --> 01:09:57,559
Speaker 1: some people, too off the bat, wanted to be this

1422
01:09:57,720 --> 01:10:01,599
Speaker 1: like you know, you know, this grand thing, but also

1423
01:10:01,680 --> 01:10:03,479
Speaker 1: too like we didn't start there, like this was like

1424
01:10:03,960 --> 01:10:06,439
Speaker 1: and I was playing ball, I was playing ball, and

1425
01:10:06,520 --> 01:10:10,760
Speaker 1: Cadeen's rock was carrot in a quarter, carrot in the quarter.

1426
01:10:10,840 --> 01:10:13,000
Speaker 1: Because I was it was beautiful, but it was also

1427
01:10:13,040 --> 01:10:14,439
Speaker 1: like I was not going to put myself on the

1428
01:10:14,520 --> 01:10:17,360
Speaker 1: financial hardship to live up to what all of my

1429
01:10:17,960 --> 01:10:20,960
Speaker 1: counterparts at the time, you know, there were. I had roommates,

1430
01:10:21,000 --> 01:10:23,960
Speaker 1: number rooms. I had teammates who four or five carrot

1431
01:10:24,000 --> 01:10:26,720
Speaker 1: rings off the bat because use the first round pick.

1432
01:10:27,040 --> 01:10:29,280
Speaker 1: I couldn't compete with that. Nope, you know what I'm saying.

1433
01:10:29,320 --> 01:10:31,559
Speaker 1: So listen, don't be competing with people around you either.

1434
01:10:31,680 --> 01:10:34,320
Speaker 1: That's a sure fire way to be disappointed. All right,

1435
01:10:34,360 --> 01:10:37,040
Speaker 1: I hope we helped you out out today. Um, if

1436
01:10:37,080 --> 01:10:39,040
Speaker 1: you like to be featured as one of our listener letters,

1437
01:10:39,160 --> 01:10:41,240
Speaker 1: make sure you email us at dead as Advice at

1438
01:10:41,240 --> 01:10:44,320
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. That's D E A D A S

1439
01:10:44,320 --> 01:10:48,160
Speaker 1: S A D V I C E at gmail dot com.

1440
01:10:48,160 --> 01:10:51,080
Speaker 1: All right, we're talking bullying today and the moment of truth,

1441
01:10:51,120 --> 01:10:53,240
Speaker 1: I think for me is pretty simple. One thing that

1442
01:10:53,320 --> 01:10:57,200
Speaker 1: stands out in my mind is that whatever you speak into,

1443
01:10:57,439 --> 01:11:02,200
Speaker 1: whether it's your children, your spouse, partner, your coworker, your employee,

1444
01:11:02,479 --> 01:11:06,679
Speaker 1: whatever the case may be, speaking negativity into someone will

1445
01:11:06,720 --> 01:11:11,720
Speaker 1: manifest them to feel negatively about themselves. And I think

1446
01:11:11,800 --> 01:11:14,759
Speaker 1: if more of us try to empower people and try

1447
01:11:14,760 --> 01:11:18,960
Speaker 1: to harp on their strengths, you know, and then aid

1448
01:11:19,040 --> 01:11:22,240
Speaker 1: them in their weaknesses, then we'd be a lot further along,

1449
01:11:22,280 --> 01:11:25,280
Speaker 1: and bullying would probably be happening at a lesser rate.

1450
01:11:25,640 --> 01:11:28,719
Speaker 1: Control which you can control in your household. I'm gonna

1451
01:11:28,720 --> 01:11:33,439
Speaker 1: speak from a man standpoint. Give the people around you

1452
01:11:33,479 --> 01:11:37,000
Speaker 1: the tools to not be victims. Let that be your wife,

1453
01:11:37,080 --> 01:11:43,320
Speaker 1: significant other, baby, mother, kids, younger siblings. As the leader,

1454
01:11:43,439 --> 01:11:45,559
Speaker 1: the man of the house, you have a responsibility to

1455
01:11:45,640 --> 01:11:47,799
Speaker 1: make sure that they have the tools to defend themselves

1456
01:11:47,800 --> 01:11:50,679
Speaker 1: and not be victims, which means you speak power into

1457
01:11:50,680 --> 01:11:53,720
Speaker 1: them constantly, let them understood that they are backed up

1458
01:11:53,760 --> 01:11:57,719
Speaker 1: by someone at all times. But then you also teach

1459
01:11:57,800 --> 01:12:01,880
Speaker 1: them to defend themselves mentally by giving them words. You know,

1460
01:12:01,960 --> 01:12:04,360
Speaker 1: have a strong command of the human of the English

1461
01:12:04,439 --> 01:12:08,080
Speaker 1: language or or Spanish or whatever language you speak, to

1462
01:12:08,080 --> 01:12:11,680
Speaker 1: be able to defend themselves verbally right, give them the

1463
01:12:11,680 --> 01:12:15,360
Speaker 1: tool to defend themselves physically. I taught case some judo,

1464
01:12:15,520 --> 01:12:21,519
Speaker 1: some jiu jitsu, some taekwondo. All my sons, all my sons, box,

1465
01:12:21,840 --> 01:12:24,160
Speaker 1: all my sons will be taking jiu jitsu as well

1466
01:12:24,160 --> 01:12:25,960
Speaker 1: when they become of age, because I don't I don't

1467
01:12:26,000 --> 01:12:29,240
Speaker 1: play with that. Also, I will be taking my wife

1468
01:12:29,280 --> 01:12:31,200
Speaker 1: to the gun range so she can defend herself when

1469
01:12:31,200 --> 01:12:32,720
Speaker 1: she's out here in the streets, and my sons will

1470
01:12:32,760 --> 01:12:34,840
Speaker 1: be going to the gun range as well. I know

1471
01:12:34,920 --> 01:12:37,479
Speaker 1: the gun violence is a very important thing in this country,

1472
01:12:37,680 --> 01:12:40,160
Speaker 1: and I think it's important that we, as the black community,

1473
01:12:40,200 --> 01:12:41,840
Speaker 1: because I am a black dad who has a Black

1474
01:12:41,840 --> 01:12:44,280
Speaker 1: wife with black children, also understand that we have the

1475
01:12:44,360 --> 01:12:48,880
Speaker 1: right to arm ourselves and know how to use guns responsibly. Okay,

1476
01:12:49,040 --> 01:12:50,800
Speaker 1: So I feel like you have to arm the people

1477
01:12:50,840 --> 01:12:53,240
Speaker 1: around you and defend the people and teach the people

1478
01:12:53,240 --> 01:12:55,799
Speaker 1: around you to defend themselves so they don't become victims.

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01:12:56,520 --> 01:12:59,240
Speaker 1: And that's how we can help with this bullying epidemic.

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01:12:59,640 --> 01:13:02,800
Speaker 1: All right, sounds good? Love that love that love that

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01:13:02,880 --> 01:13:05,080
Speaker 1: be short, and I'm gonna be y'all real quick into

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01:13:05,200 --> 01:13:09,479
Speaker 1: following on some social media. If you don't already pull

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01:13:09,520 --> 01:13:12,080
Speaker 1: out your phone, go to Instagram or where we at

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01:13:12,400 --> 01:13:15,120
Speaker 1: and type in dead as the podcast, and of course

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Speaker 1: Kadina I am and I am devouted, And if you're

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01:13:17,080 --> 01:13:20,400
Speaker 1: listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review and

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01:13:20,600 --> 01:13:26,120
Speaker 1: subscribe fun Bullies. Dead Ass is a production of I

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01:13:26,240 --> 01:13:29,600
Speaker 1: Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by The Noorrapinia

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01:13:29,680 --> 01:13:32,760
Speaker 1: and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead

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01:13:32,800 --> 01:13:34,680
Speaker 1: as the podcasts and Never miss a Thing