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Speaker 1: Welcome to the ten Minute Storyteller. That's me Bill Simpson,

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Speaker 1: your host, narrator, and author. We hear at the ten

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Speaker 1: Minute Storyteller endeavor to entertain you with tall tales or

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Speaker 1: rendered swiftly and with the utmost empathy. We pledge to

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Speaker 1: pack as much entertainment, emotion, and exploration into the human

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Speaker 1: condition as ten minutes will permit. Mini novels on steroids.

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Speaker 1: This week we meet Sheila. She's had it up to

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Speaker 1: her eyeballs with her two timing husband, a liar and

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Speaker 1: a serial cheater. But she can't think about that, not

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Speaker 1: right now. The house has been invaded by yellowjackets. Can't

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Speaker 1: think about anything else till she rids the house of

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Speaker 1: yellow jackets. Sheila grabs her phone, races outside, and calls

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Speaker 1: the exterminator. The exterminator. Sheila's had it. She put up

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Speaker 1: with his lying and cheating once and then a second time.

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Speaker 1: But three times buster, and you're out, her mother warned

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Speaker 1: her all those years ago. Yes, honey, he's very handsome

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Speaker 1: and very charming, but I'm telling you he's a narcissist

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Speaker 1: and a predator. I've known men like him before. All

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Speaker 1: they care about is themselves and getting in a girl's pants. Well,

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Speaker 1: Sheila blew her mother off, married Zachary and lived happily

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Speaker 1: ever after, well at least until she got pregnant. Near

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Speaker 1: the end of her pregnancy, the doctor told her to

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Speaker 1: quit having sex. Sure easy for him to say. Zachary

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Speaker 1: needed sex almost as much as he needed air and water,

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Speaker 1: and so with Shila out of the game, Zachary turned

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Speaker 1: to Donna, a lonely divorcee with big botox lips who

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Speaker 1: lived down the street. Sila eventually found out about Donna,

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Speaker 1: but by then she was insanely vulnerable, what with her

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Speaker 1: raging hormones, postpartum depression, and a six month old infant

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Speaker 1: who demanded her attention. Twenty four to seven. Zachary threw

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Speaker 1: himself at her feet, assured the affair had meant nothing,

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Speaker 1: and promised to never ever be unfaithful again. Ever, Sheila

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Speaker 1: bought it, and Zachary pooh lived up to his promise

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Speaker 1: for a couple of years, but then he strayed again,

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Speaker 1: this time with the preschool teacher, and everyone warned Sheila

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Speaker 1: that liars lie and cheaters cheat and they never change,

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Speaker 1: and she should cut her losses and end the marriage asap.

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Speaker 1: But again, Zachary got down on his knees, batted his

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Speaker 1: baby blues, begged forgiveness, and told her he loved her

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Speaker 1: and only her, and in fact loved her more than

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Speaker 1: he loved his own life. That it was just a

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Speaker 1: few years ago, and now well, the son of a

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Speaker 1: bitch has done it again, betting the babysitter, this time

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Speaker 1: a twenty something with fake boobs and a nose piercing.

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Speaker 1: But Sila, she can't deal with all that right now,

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Speaker 1: not right this second. Yellowjackets have invaded the kitchen, dozens

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Speaker 1: of them, maybe hundreds, too many to count. How they're

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Speaker 1: getting in, she doesn't know, but she's deathly afraid of

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Speaker 1: the nasty, little, bad tempered critters, so she grabs her

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Speaker 1: phone and races outside to escape their wrath. She googles

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Speaker 1: exterminators in her area, calls permak Hill good morning, sings

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Speaker 1: a cheery voice. Permakhill is ready to help you with

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Speaker 1: all your exterminating needs. Angie speaking, How may I help you?

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Speaker 1: I have yellow jackets in my house. Angie takes down

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Speaker 1: all the information and assures Shila a consultant will be

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Speaker 1: at her house within the hour. I don't need a consultant.

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Speaker 1: Shila shouts, I need an exterminator. Not to worry. Jeffrey

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Speaker 1: is a jack of all trades. Exactly one hour later,

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Speaker 1: a permakill truck pulls in the driveway. A handsome young

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Speaker 1: man steps out, slim and trim in tan khakis, a

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Speaker 1: white short sleeve shirt buttoned up to the neck, and

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Speaker 1: a baseball cat with Perma Kill printed across the front.

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Speaker 1: He wears a name tag on the pocket of his

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Speaker 1: dress shirt, Jeffrey. Sheila meets Jeffrey at the door of

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Speaker 1: his truck. Thank you for coming on such short notice.

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Speaker 1: I have a house full of yellow jackets. Yellow jackets,

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Speaker 1: you say, from Georgia tech. Huh he he can be pesky.

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Speaker 1: Can you get rid of them? They probably want money,

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Speaker 1: but I'll do my best. Let's take a walk around

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Speaker 1: the outside of the house, but they're inside. Jeffrey smiles

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Speaker 1: and nods and starts walking. Sila follows, arms folded across

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Speaker 1: her chest. A few steps behind. On the far side

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Speaker 1: of the house, Jeffrey stops points to where a swarm

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Speaker 1: of yellow jackets fly in and out, where the sighting

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Speaker 1: meets the foundation. He says, I'm master, a master exterminator. Man.

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Speaker 1: I possess the skills and know how to why either

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Speaker 1: remove or exterminate virtually any pest, vermin or nuisance you

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Speaker 1: can imagine. And you know what the son of a

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Speaker 1: bitch who owns Perma Kill pays me. Don't even guess,

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Speaker 1: I'll tell you. Twenty Measley bucks an hour, twenty Measley

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Speaker 1: bucks an hour, and not a nickel more for overtime,

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Speaker 1: not a nickel. Take it or leave it, he says,

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Speaker 1: whenever I bring up the idea of a raise, take

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Speaker 1: it or leave it? Well, I take it because of

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Speaker 1: what am I gonna do? The job market sucks out there.

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Speaker 1: I got a disabled wife and three kids, one of

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Speaker 1: them with a cleft palate, and one sweet as pie,

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Speaker 1: but moon eyed, empty as a hollow log upstairs. So anyway,

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Speaker 1: that's my story. Your story is a yellow jacket nest

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Speaker 1: hiding behind the siding of your house. I see it

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Speaker 1: five times a day this time of year. Two hundred

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Speaker 1: and twenty five bucks up front with a credit card.

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Speaker 1: If you want me to exterminate proNT as in you know,

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Speaker 1: right now, right this second, you want to think about it,

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Speaker 1: that's no problem either. I'm happy to come back tomorrow.

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Speaker 1: Fuck no, says Sheila. Do it now, right now. The

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Speaker 1: nasty little bastards are in the house. That's what they

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Speaker 1: all say, says Jeffrey. You grab your credit card while

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Speaker 1: I suit up. We'll meet back here before the moon

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Speaker 1: strikes one. Well, payment complete, Jeffrey goes to work in

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Speaker 1: his one piece nylon exterminating suit, complete with zip hood

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Speaker 1: and face shield. He lies right down on the grass

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Speaker 1: right where a gazillion yellow jackets buzz in and out

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Speaker 1: of the house, down low where the wood siding meets

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Speaker 1: the concrete foundation. It's like a thousand jet fighters taking

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Speaker 1: off and landing on an aircraft carrier out in the

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Speaker 1: middle of the Pacific Ocean. Sheila, she stands well back

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Speaker 1: and thinks Jeffrey with the disabled wife and moon eyed kid,

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Speaker 1: is one kooky dude and maybe a little spooky too,

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Speaker 1: probably inhales way too many exterminating sprays and chemicals. Jeffrey

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Speaker 1: takes his little puffer gun with its long nozzle and

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Speaker 1: shoots some agent orange up into that yellow jacket nest

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Speaker 1: behind the wood siding. Immediately, yellow jackets stop flying and

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Speaker 1: start dropping to the ground, dead stone dead. The more

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Speaker 1: Jeffrey puffs, the more yellow jackets drop out of the sky.

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Speaker 1: After a while, Jeffrey stops and says, that'll teach the

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Speaker 1: sum bitches to mess with Jeffrey. Sheila nods, but asks,

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Speaker 1: what about the ones inside? They're not long for this world,

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Speaker 1: honey pie, Let's go have a look. Sheila wonders if

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Speaker 1: it's safe to go inside with the exterminit on the backstoop.

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Speaker 1: She says, I'll wait out here the ladies, says Jeffrey,

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Speaker 1: they usually do, and he pets her kids inside. Sheila

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Speaker 1: shakes her head. The dog's at the groomer and the

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Speaker 1: kids at school. Inside, Jeffrey dons a respirator and fogs

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Speaker 1: the downstairs of the big fancy center hall colonial. Sheila

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Speaker 1: can see the fog through the window. After just a

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Speaker 1: couple minutes, Jeffrey emerges from the fog and steps outside.

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Speaker 1: He removes his respirator and pulls off the one piece

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Speaker 1: nylon suit. I think maybe give the xylon b an

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Speaker 1: hour or so to clear before your head back inside.

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Speaker 1: You'll have some vacuuming to do. But there's not a

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Speaker 1: dang thing in there still breathing. Nothing in there alive. Wow,

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Speaker 1: says Sheila. You work fast, Jeffrey shrugs, easy, schmeezy. I guess,

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Speaker 1: and then Sheila adds, I wish I could exterminate my

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Speaker 1: husband as easily. Hmmm, asked Jeffrey. What do we got here?

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Speaker 1: A cheater or a beater? Huh? What'd you say? An

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Speaker 1: unfaithful clown or a fist wielding abuser. It's always one

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Speaker 1: or the other, honeybun, sometimes both, the former, says Sheila.

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Speaker 1: Figured says Jeffrey, Oh, why is that? Jeffrey shrugs again. Listen,

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Speaker 1: I do all kinds of exterminations, including husbands who cheat

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Speaker 1: or beat a hundred bucks cash up front. Sheila smiles

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Speaker 1: and lets off a little laugh. But a couple minutes later,

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Speaker 1: Jeffrey backs his Permac Hill pick up out of the driveway,

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Speaker 1: his khakis stuffed with four twenties, a ten, two fives,

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Speaker 1: and a recent pick of the Dead Man Walking. Easy schmeezy. Hey,

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Speaker 1: thanks for listening to this original audio presentation of The Exterminator,

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Speaker 1: narrated by the author. If you enjoy today's story, please

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Speaker 1: take a few seconds to rate, review, and subscribe to

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Speaker 1: this podcast, and then go to Thomas William Simpson dot

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Speaker 1: com for additional information about the author and to view

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Speaker 1: his extensive canon. The Ten Minute Storyteller is produced by

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Speaker 1: Andrew Piglesi and Josh Kalani and is part of the

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Speaker 1: Elvis Durand Podcast Network in partnership with iHeart Productions. Until

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Speaker 1: next time, this is Bill Simpson, your ten Minute Storyteller,