WEBVTT - Temporary Mormons with Bridger Winegar 0:00:00.800 --> 0:00:04.120 Hi, Katherine, how are you doing. I'm amazing. I A 0:00:04.280 --> 0:00:06.600 Oh good. I haven't been able to get warm for 0:00:06.640 --> 0:00:09.640 two days. I had a celery juice yesterday, which I 0:00:09.720 --> 0:00:11.400 used to drink all the time, but then I stopped 0:00:11.480 --> 0:00:14.480 drinking it because I don't know who knows why I 0:00:14.520 --> 0:00:16.800 do anything, And then uh, I drank it and I 0:00:16.840 --> 0:00:20.000 have been cold since. Oh no, have you ever done 0:00:20.000 --> 0:00:22.560 one of those juice where you are fucking freezing by 0:00:22.640 --> 0:00:27.280 day three because you have no food in your system. 0:00:27.320 --> 0:00:29.120 I don't. Maybe there's something in the air because I've 0:00:29.160 --> 0:00:31.720 been hot, or at least when we were in New 0:00:31.800 --> 0:00:36.479 York together, I could not stop sweating. I was so hot. 0:00:36.680 --> 0:00:39.000 Maybe it was the humidity, but it was like sixty 0:00:39.040 --> 0:00:43.479 four degrees and I just was so hot. Still, Yeah, 0:00:43.560 --> 0:00:46.600 that's annoying, too hot or cold? And then I guess 0:00:46.800 --> 0:00:48.960 the only thing about being cold that is annoying is 0:00:49.000 --> 0:00:52.479 that my nipples get so hard, and that's painful, you know, 0:00:52.560 --> 0:00:55.360 like I'm breastfeeding or something. That's a very annoying feeling. 0:00:55.400 --> 0:00:57.080 So I don't like that. But I do. I hate 0:00:57.120 --> 0:00:59.080 when I go on stage, like if I don't have 0:00:59.120 --> 0:01:01.680 the right jumpsuit of the right climate if I have 0:01:01.800 --> 0:01:04.399 too much material on and the air conditioning isn't on 0:01:04.400 --> 0:01:07.080 the up and up, and I have a real problem. 0:01:07.120 --> 0:01:09.240 I had to perform a few weeks ago in a 0:01:09.360 --> 0:01:14.199 backyard outdoor barbecue for a corporate gig that I did, 0:01:14.520 --> 0:01:18.600 and that was very in Austin, and it was it 0:01:18.720 --> 0:01:21.520 was very moist. Is the word that I would use 0:01:21.600 --> 0:01:25.960 to describe that environment. Mois is a troubling word. Uh. 0:01:26.000 --> 0:01:28.920 Speaking of shows, So I have shows coming up, stand 0:01:29.000 --> 0:01:32.160 up shows. I just added thirty new stand up dates 0:01:32.680 --> 0:01:36.080 for areas all over the country, so make sure to 0:01:36.160 --> 0:01:38.039 check those out. And there are still tickets for my 0:01:38.160 --> 0:01:40.760 second show in Nashville, where I'm taping my next special, 0:01:40.840 --> 0:01:45.880 directed by none other than my lover CHOKOI. Okay, So 0:01:46.080 --> 0:01:49.520 I want to welcome our guest today, comedy writer, actor 0:01:49.640 --> 0:01:53.000 and host of the podcast I said, no gifts, please 0:01:53.000 --> 0:01:56.920 welcome Bridger Wineger. Hi, Bridger. How are you. I'm doing 0:01:56.920 --> 0:01:59.280 pretty well? How are you? I'm pretty well? You know 0:01:59.400 --> 0:02:02.200 Catherine because you're sitting right next to her, of course, 0:02:02.520 --> 0:02:05.880 so that helps that I wanted to talk about that 0:02:05.920 --> 0:02:09.480 we have Mormonism in common somewhat. Oh sure, sure, I'm 0:02:09.560 --> 0:02:11.480 happy to talk about that I know that you came 0:02:11.560 --> 0:02:14.040 from a Mormon background, right, or you come from a 0:02:14.080 --> 0:02:17.919 Mormon background. I guess I kind of both of those things. 0:02:18.240 --> 0:02:21.440 My family is Mormon. I grew up Mormon, no longer 0:02:21.880 --> 0:02:24.960 Mormon for a variety of factors, but the big one 0:02:25.000 --> 0:02:31.560 being my homosexuality, which is big no no for Mormonism. Yes, 0:02:32.320 --> 0:02:35.480 I didn't grow up Mormon, but my sister converted to Mormonism. 0:02:35.480 --> 0:02:38.320 My mother was Mormon, and then she dragged my sister 0:02:38.400 --> 0:02:42.160 down to Mormonism with her, and then my sister slowly 0:02:42.160 --> 0:02:44.840 has snapped out of it over the years. When did 0:02:44.880 --> 0:02:48.160 your sister convert? Well, my brother passed away when we 0:02:48.160 --> 0:02:51.400 were a kids and she was older. And then, like 0:02:51.520 --> 0:02:54.040 they say that, you know, a lot of people come 0:02:54.040 --> 0:02:57.040 down with illness after somebody dies in their family, you know, 0:02:57.120 --> 0:03:01.440 because of the internalization of everything. And so my sister 0:03:01.520 --> 0:03:04.040 got LUPUS when she was in college and when she 0:03:04.120 --> 0:03:07.720 came home. Part of the ordeal of having that kind 0:03:07.720 --> 0:03:09.960 of and we believe it was misdiagnosed at this point 0:03:09.960 --> 0:03:11.960 because they put her on so many meds and so 0:03:12.040 --> 0:03:14.480 many drugs that she was just a zombie basically for 0:03:14.520 --> 0:03:16.639 six months. She didn't leave the house. She lost all 0:03:16.639 --> 0:03:19.520 her hair, she was on steroids. Her face, you know, 0:03:19.600 --> 0:03:22.440 it was she just as unrecognizable. And I think in 0:03:22.480 --> 0:03:25.480 that my mother thought, okay, let's you know, she had 0:03:25.480 --> 0:03:28.280 turned to religion after my brother died and then my sister. 0:03:28.440 --> 0:03:29.800 She thought that was kind of going to be the 0:03:29.840 --> 0:03:33.200 self for her as well. So she converted my sister 0:03:33.280 --> 0:03:37.080 to Mormonism, and then my sister over time and once 0:03:37.120 --> 0:03:39.480 she had you know, got married and had a children 0:03:39.520 --> 0:03:43.880 of her own, I think realized the absurdity of Mormonism 0:03:43.920 --> 0:03:47.960 and how exclusionary it is. Oh yes, and wait, so 0:03:48.080 --> 0:03:53.200 did she marry a Mormon? And that was a good 0:03:53.200 --> 0:03:58.680 thing because he's not. It's always helpful to try and 0:03:58.720 --> 0:04:01.640 shake that out of your sister. Um. But yeah, growing up, 0:04:01.680 --> 0:04:05.320 it's funny that I meet so many Mormons that are homosexuals. 0:04:05.800 --> 0:04:08.720 It's like, I think those are the only Mormons that 0:04:08.760 --> 0:04:13.240 are gonna be coming into your I don't think you're 0:04:13.280 --> 0:04:16.040 gonna be getting any just regular Mormons. Yeah. I also 0:04:16.080 --> 0:04:18.960 have an issue with the proselyticization, you know, the the 0:04:18.960 --> 0:04:22.599 the constant infringing on your personal space with talk of 0:04:23.040 --> 0:04:26.239 like what missionaries do showing up at your door teaching 0:04:26.240 --> 0:04:29.080 you the word. I have a problem with that kind 0:04:29.080 --> 0:04:31.159 of bullshit too. It's like, back the funk up and 0:04:31.160 --> 0:04:33.440 I'll let you know what I'm interested in learning about. 0:04:33.880 --> 0:04:36.440 Of course, I have an incredibly big problem with it 0:04:36.480 --> 0:04:39.200 because I did it. I went to I was in 0:04:39.240 --> 0:04:41.640 Malaysia doing it, and that was the breaking point for me. 0:04:41.880 --> 0:04:45.360 It was like, what am I doing? So what happened 0:04:45.360 --> 0:04:47.640 when you were there? Tell me about your breaking point. 0:04:47.920 --> 0:04:51.640 I grew up in Utah and my obviously my family 0:04:51.720 --> 0:04:53.680 was Mormon, and in Utah, it's kind of just a 0:04:53.839 --> 0:04:56.719 given if you're at least if you're male, that you'll 0:04:56.760 --> 0:04:59.120 be going on a Mormon mission when you turn At 0:04:59.120 --> 0:05:00.760 the time, it was when you would turn nineteen. I 0:05:00.800 --> 0:05:04.040 think it's younger now. But so even if you're not 0:05:04.080 --> 0:05:06.320 that convinced of it, you're going to end up going 0:05:06.360 --> 0:05:09.520 somewhere for two years to do the proselytizing and trying 0:05:09.600 --> 0:05:12.760 to convince people to get on board. And also keep 0:05:12.760 --> 0:05:14.920 in mind for those people who don't know you're not well, 0:05:15.000 --> 0:05:17.080 correct me if I'm wrong, but you're you're not allowed 0:05:17.080 --> 0:05:19.760 to even call your parents right except on their birthday 0:05:19.839 --> 0:05:23.400 or something. During this time, you get to. I believe 0:05:23.440 --> 0:05:27.880 you get to call them on Mother's Day, uh and Christmas, 0:05:28.520 --> 0:05:31.320 and maybe I think like, and this is all of 0:05:31.360 --> 0:05:34.719 course based on my experience. I don't know even how 0:05:34.880 --> 0:05:38.280 many years ago, fifteen something years ago, so I do 0:05:38.320 --> 0:05:41.160 think they've kind of adjusted it, but not that much. 0:05:41.440 --> 0:05:43.279 You basically are cut off from the rest of the world. 0:05:43.440 --> 0:05:46.560 You can't watch TV, you can't listen to popular music, 0:05:46.800 --> 0:05:49.920 you can't read the news. It's essentially the one thing 0:05:49.960 --> 0:05:52.000 you get to read is the Book of Mormon or 0:05:52.040 --> 0:05:54.599 the Bible, and then the rest of the world is 0:05:54.720 --> 0:05:56.960 very unless you're like in a restaurant and there's a 0:05:57.000 --> 0:05:59.600 TV playing the news and you're like kind of stealing 0:05:59.640 --> 0:06:01.960 as at what's going on in the outside world. You 0:06:02.200 --> 0:06:05.600 have no idea what's happening. Yeah, it's slightly eerily similar 0:06:05.640 --> 0:06:10.080 to The Handmaid's Tale, with less um forms. I guess seclusion, 0:06:10.440 --> 0:06:12.960 you know. I mean, you're also not allowed to have caffeine. 0:06:13.640 --> 0:06:17.080 You certainly can't have sex, no drugs or alcohol, which 0:06:17.080 --> 0:06:19.040 would be really hard to deal with if you I 0:06:19.120 --> 0:06:21.200 was going to become religious, that would be the first 0:06:21.240 --> 0:06:28.120 thing that I would need an exorbitant amount. Yeah. Yeah, well, 0:06:28.120 --> 0:06:29.880 before we get to all the fun stuff. We'll take 0:06:29.880 --> 0:06:32.480 a quick break. Okay, sounds good, We'll be right back. 0:06:36.720 --> 0:06:38.960 And so what about your siblings. Are you in touch 0:06:39.000 --> 0:06:41.800 with your siblings at all? Oh? Yeah, I mean my 0:06:41.920 --> 0:06:44.960 family for the most part is like I came out 0:06:45.080 --> 0:06:49.920 extremely late when I was thirty, largely because of Mormonism. 0:06:49.960 --> 0:06:51.479 I had left the church. I had been out of 0:06:51.480 --> 0:06:53.440 it for maybe a decade before I came out. But 0:06:53.800 --> 0:06:55.280 the reason it took me so long as I was 0:06:55.320 --> 0:06:57.680 afraid I was going to lose my family or lose 0:06:57.680 --> 0:07:00.760 connection with them. And then most of were oddly cool 0:07:00.800 --> 0:07:04.440 with it. My parents were very they were able to 0:07:04.480 --> 0:07:07.280 catch on pretty quickly. And then some of my said, 0:07:07.360 --> 0:07:09.520 like my younger sister and I are like best friends, 0:07:09.560 --> 0:07:12.560 and I think she saw it coming and was totally 0:07:12.600 --> 0:07:14.400 cool with it. That I have two brothers who were 0:07:14.400 --> 0:07:17.400 on board for the most part, so it's uh. And 0:07:17.480 --> 0:07:20.800 then like extended family seems pretty good with it as well. 0:07:20.800 --> 0:07:23.880 It's been very surprising. Yeah, well that that sounds like 0:07:23.920 --> 0:07:26.920 a great experience then, right, because that's not the typical 0:07:27.080 --> 0:07:30.400 Mormon experience. I mean, it can really go in any direction, 0:07:30.400 --> 0:07:33.000 and that's what I was prepared for. So for it 0:07:33.040 --> 0:07:34.840 to have worked out this well, and for them to 0:07:34.880 --> 0:07:37.120 have embraced my boyfriend the way they have, it's been 0:07:37.920 --> 0:07:40.440 pretty amazing. Sometimes I'm like, does my mom still think 0:07:40.480 --> 0:07:42.560 this is a phase and that eventually I'll just break 0:07:42.640 --> 0:07:45.200 up with my boyfriend and then find a wife. But 0:07:45.680 --> 0:07:48.679 I think for the most part, they've just been lovely. 0:07:49.440 --> 0:07:51.760 And do you think that having to wait until your 0:07:51.800 --> 0:07:53.840 thirty coming out to your thirty, like, do you think 0:07:53.880 --> 0:07:58.040 that had idlitarious impact on your growth as a human 0:07:58.080 --> 0:08:01.560 being or do you feel like that was just your road? 0:08:02.400 --> 0:08:04.960 Oh my god, it's I mean, it continues to impact 0:08:05.000 --> 0:08:08.560 me within my relationship. I'm still like, there are still 0:08:08.560 --> 0:08:12.080 things I struggle with. Just intimacy in general with friends, 0:08:12.160 --> 0:08:14.960 with people in my life is still very difficult for 0:08:15.000 --> 0:08:18.680 me because I held so much from the people I 0:08:18.720 --> 0:08:20.840 loved for such a long time. It's hard for me 0:08:20.920 --> 0:08:23.040 to share feelings with even with my boyfriend. Will have 0:08:23.080 --> 0:08:25.840 to drag information out of me because I'm just used 0:08:25.880 --> 0:08:28.760 to having this shield up, and then it affects other 0:08:28.840 --> 0:08:34.320 things too, just like making decisions. Just in general. I 0:08:34.400 --> 0:08:37.200 probably have another decade of therapy before I feel like 0:08:37.240 --> 0:08:41.400 I'll feel like a complete operating person. Yeah, And I 0:08:41.440 --> 0:08:44.120 think that is the point for any listeners who are 0:08:44.160 --> 0:08:47.440 parents with children who may come to you with a 0:08:47.520 --> 0:08:51.200 decision that you may not like or approve of, like 0:08:51.360 --> 0:08:53.840 you have to remember the impact that you're having on 0:08:53.920 --> 0:08:56.720 them for the rest of their lives postponing, you know, 0:08:56.800 --> 0:08:59.120 doing something at thirty that you could have done when 0:08:59.120 --> 0:09:01.679 you were twenty, or if you were really lucky and 0:09:01.720 --> 0:09:05.280 felt secure, and you know, even younger, you know you 0:09:05.280 --> 0:09:08.640 could have been completely honest about your situation and not 0:09:08.880 --> 0:09:12.199 not have stunted your growth as an individual, as a 0:09:12.280 --> 0:09:16.440 sexual being, as somebody who could be vociferous about their 0:09:16.480 --> 0:09:19.800 feelings towards the same sex, and your pursuit of a 0:09:19.880 --> 0:09:22.760 relationship like these are all things that we should be 0:09:22.800 --> 0:09:25.520 able to be open about, and our family should be 0:09:25.559 --> 0:09:28.800 open and loving, because that doesn't preclude you being a 0:09:28.800 --> 0:09:32.320 lovable person. That just means you have a different set 0:09:32.360 --> 0:09:35.800 of interests than your parents do, or that the people 0:09:35.800 --> 0:09:39.360 that you're surrounded with do, and prolonging that and stunting 0:09:39.400 --> 0:09:43.400 that has a negative impact on anybody's life. And that's 0:09:43.400 --> 0:09:46.160 something that would be helpful to remember and to think, 0:09:46.280 --> 0:09:48.760 especially when you disagree with somebody's lifestyle. It's like, as 0:09:48.800 --> 0:09:52.360 long as there's not doing anything harming another person, there's 0:09:52.440 --> 0:09:55.880 no reason for your judgment to cloud your loving and 0:09:55.960 --> 0:09:59.360 acceptance of that person. Your love and acceptance of that person. 0:10:00.080 --> 0:10:02.120 So I would hope that anyone who finds out that 0:10:02.160 --> 0:10:05.400 they have a gay son or daughter or their son 0:10:05.520 --> 0:10:07.560 or daughter is interested in things that they are not 0:10:07.640 --> 0:10:10.400 interested in to try and just accept and love that 0:10:10.440 --> 0:10:15.400 person for who they are and their individuality. Yeah, so 0:10:15.600 --> 0:10:19.160 your relationship, Now, you've been in a relationship for a bit, right, Yeah, 0:10:19.160 --> 0:10:22.679 I've been with my boyfriend for seven years. That's the 0:10:22.760 --> 0:10:25.160 lucky number, seven years. Do you feel a seven year 0:10:25.160 --> 0:10:28.440 itch or no? I feel like a thirty year which 0:10:28.480 --> 0:10:31.040 after the last two years of the pandemic, I truly 0:10:31.040 --> 0:10:33.120 feel like we could have celebrated like our twenty fifth 0:10:33.160 --> 0:10:36.920 anniversary this year, and it's like putting twenty years into 0:10:37.000 --> 0:10:40.880 a time capsule if you survived the pandemic together. Right, 0:10:40.720 --> 0:10:44.439 I mean, thank god, knock on wood, We're doing all right. 0:10:44.520 --> 0:10:47.440 But it's been a very challenging two years. I mean 0:10:48.160 --> 0:10:50.199 especially the first year of Like this is the one 0:10:50.200 --> 0:10:52.880 person I get to spend any time with. It can 0:10:52.960 --> 0:10:55.599 be a little it could be a little tough. Is 0:10:55.640 --> 0:10:59.440 that when you started your podcast. I started the podcast 0:10:59.720 --> 0:11:02.920 seven of twenty nineteen. We recorded our first episode. We 0:11:03.000 --> 0:11:07.319 banked sixteen episodes, and then we premiered on March twelve, 0:11:08.280 --> 0:11:12.280 which was like literally the day of Lockdown. So then 0:11:12.400 --> 0:11:16.280 it was this weird thing of like releasing sixteen weeks 0:11:16.320 --> 0:11:20.280 of episodes that were recorded pre pandemic. The pandemic is 0:11:20.280 --> 0:11:22.320 not mentioned in any of them. It's like being sent 0:11:22.360 --> 0:11:25.720 from another universe essentially, And then was right into like 0:11:25.760 --> 0:11:27.680 getting on Zoom and being like, well, we'll only be 0:11:27.720 --> 0:11:29.079 doing this for three or four weeks and then we 0:11:29.120 --> 0:11:33.160 can get back into person. And now it's been two years. Yeah, right, 0:11:33.679 --> 0:11:35.840 A lot has changed since the beginning of the pandemic. 0:11:35.880 --> 0:11:38.400 When we were washing our food with windex and when 0:11:38.440 --> 0:11:40.640 it got delivered to our house, I mean, we did 0:11:40.640 --> 0:11:42.920 a process where my niece was living with me and 0:11:43.080 --> 0:11:45.360 she would get the takeoff food. She has O c D, 0:11:45.520 --> 0:11:47.760 so we'd let her clean the food and it was 0:11:47.800 --> 0:11:50.280 about forty five minutes before we could even get the 0:11:50.320 --> 0:11:52.680 packages open because she would cleave them for so long. 0:11:53.200 --> 0:11:55.040 And I look back at that time and think, what 0:11:55.160 --> 0:12:00.559 a bunch of assholes. But we didn't know. It did 0:12:00.600 --> 0:12:03.400 feel like the Dark Ages for everyone was it's like 0:12:03.480 --> 0:12:06.960 superstition essentially. Yeah, And I have to say when that 0:12:07.000 --> 0:12:09.280 first happened, there was a sense of like, oh, it's 0:12:09.280 --> 0:12:11.560 like it was like a snow day for two weeks, 0:12:11.600 --> 0:12:14.120 Like the first time, you're like, oh, nobody can leave 0:12:14.160 --> 0:12:16.760 their house and nobody can socialize like I. That was 0:12:16.840 --> 0:12:19.680 such music to my ears, the idea that I was 0:12:19.880 --> 0:12:23.800 forbidden from socializing or leaving my house because if it 0:12:23.880 --> 0:12:25.880 left to my own devices, I would love to just 0:12:25.960 --> 0:12:28.840 bop around in my own living room, popping a xanex 0:12:28.920 --> 0:12:32.240 here and there, taking mushrooms, reading books and watching TV. 0:12:32.640 --> 0:12:35.800 Because I'm being ordered to by the government. You know, 0:12:36.320 --> 0:12:39.080 there is no better lick, sir for me. But then 0:12:39.120 --> 0:12:41.800 obviously after the first initial two weeks, it started to 0:12:41.800 --> 0:12:43.880 get a little bit dicey. That's when people started to 0:12:43.920 --> 0:12:46.800 get aunty. And then here we are, so hopefully we're 0:12:46.840 --> 0:12:48.959 on the tail end of things. So talk about your 0:12:49.080 --> 0:12:51.280 I Said No Gifts is your podcast. It's called I 0:12:51.320 --> 0:12:54.040 Said No Gifts. Tell us about your podcast because somebody 0:12:54.080 --> 0:12:57.600 brings a gift to your podcast even though the title 0:12:57.840 --> 0:13:00.679 is to not bring gifts. That's exactly what it is. 0:13:01.040 --> 0:13:03.960 Once a week, somebody shows up with a gift that 0:13:04.040 --> 0:13:06.920 I did not request, and then it kind of, you know, 0:13:06.960 --> 0:13:09.320 a derail's conversation. We end up having to talk about 0:13:09.400 --> 0:13:11.960 whatever they brought me and how much you dislike it. 0:13:12.440 --> 0:13:16.480 Extremely frustrating. Yes, right, and so you got discovered by 0:13:16.559 --> 0:13:19.600 Jimmy Kimmel. Is that right for you? I did? Yeah. 0:13:19.840 --> 0:13:21.680 I had been in l A for like four and 0:13:21.679 --> 0:13:24.760 a half years and had been tweeting kind of as 0:13:24.800 --> 0:13:26.280 my job. I had been working as a p A 0:13:26.440 --> 0:13:28.360 and I was like, the one way out of this 0:13:28.440 --> 0:13:30.280 might be Twitter. I don't because I didn't really know 0:13:30.320 --> 0:13:33.240 anyone in the industry or anything, and I was ready 0:13:33.280 --> 0:13:35.400 to give up. I was like, well, I gave it 0:13:35.440 --> 0:13:37.000 four and a half years, maybe it's time to move 0:13:37.040 --> 0:13:40.640 back to Utah. And maybe a month later Jimmy DMed 0:13:40.679 --> 0:13:42.840 me and it was like I like your tweets and 0:13:42.880 --> 0:13:48.440 then hired me. It was wow, Yeah, truly I owe 0:13:48.520 --> 0:13:52.400 him so many things, like at this point I probably 0:13:52.520 --> 0:13:55.400 said that so much. He's like, back off, but I 0:13:55.440 --> 0:13:59.199 don't care. He's such a sweetheart and started my writing career. 0:13:59.559 --> 0:14:01.600 Oh awesome. How long did you work there or do 0:14:01.640 --> 0:14:03.400 you still work there. Um No, I was there for 0:14:03.440 --> 0:14:05.480 a year and a half and then I went and 0:14:05.520 --> 0:14:08.520 I worked on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, and I've worked more 0:14:08.520 --> 0:14:12.640 in like scripted TV. Good for you, Good for you. Okay, Well, 0:14:12.640 --> 0:14:15.439 you know this is an advice podcast, right, so people 0:14:15.520 --> 0:14:17.920 call in asking for our advice and we're just going 0:14:17.960 --> 0:14:20.480 to give it to them straight Catherine, What what do 0:14:20.520 --> 0:14:22.120 you have in store for us today? Or what do 0:14:22.160 --> 0:14:24.800 we have in store for us today? Well, we have 0:14:25.080 --> 0:14:28.000 some dramatic stuff, but I'm going to make you wait 0:14:28.040 --> 0:14:31.040 until after an ad break and then we'll get to it. Okay, 0:14:31.040 --> 0:14:32.800 We're gonna take a break and we'll be right back, 0:14:36.040 --> 0:14:41.520 and we're back. We're back. So our first email today 0:14:41.680 --> 0:14:45.640 comes from Heather. Heather says, Dear Chelsea, I don't know 0:14:45.680 --> 0:14:49.120 how to tell my husband he fucking sucks at buying presents. 0:14:49.840 --> 0:14:52.480 I have to always send him links to gifts I want, 0:14:52.600 --> 0:14:56.280 which takes away all the surprise. He's a great husband, father, 0:14:56.440 --> 0:14:59.120 and best friend. I think it bothers me so much 0:14:59.160 --> 0:15:01.800 because I'm so thoughtful with my gift giving and take 0:15:01.840 --> 0:15:04.440 care of everything when it comes to birthdays and holidays. 0:15:04.920 --> 0:15:07.760 I buy all the gifts for the kids and his parents. 0:15:08.400 --> 0:15:11.320 I don't need expensive items. A card and flowers would 0:15:11.360 --> 0:15:15.200 be nice. But once he bought me Microsoft Office for 0:15:15.280 --> 0:15:18.480 students for my birthday and I couldn't stop crying for 0:15:18.520 --> 0:15:22.080 an hour because I was so disappointed. I was pregnant 0:15:22.120 --> 0:15:24.680 and hormonal and in grad school at the time. He's 0:15:24.720 --> 0:15:27.360 sensitive and I know his feelings will be hurt. How 0:15:27.360 --> 0:15:29.640 do I tell him I need more thoughtfulness when it 0:15:29.680 --> 0:15:32.280 comes to him buying me presents without sounding like a 0:15:32.360 --> 0:15:37.360 materialistic asshole. Heather, Okay, well, actually, yeah, this is your 0:15:37.560 --> 0:15:43.480 wheelhouse gifts, unwanted gifts. Yeah. I mean, let's just first 0:15:43.480 --> 0:15:46.680 of all, say buying anyone Microsoft Office for any occasion 0:15:46.680 --> 0:15:52.440 as an attack, that is, if you will. I mean, 0:15:52.480 --> 0:15:56.760 there's no excuse there, Like that's just a flat out 0:15:56.840 --> 0:16:00.200 bad gift. But we should also say to Heather, some 0:16:00.200 --> 0:16:03.800 people are I think, are just not good at giving gifts. 0:16:03.800 --> 0:16:06.800 It's a skill. It's like not being good at playing 0:16:06.800 --> 0:16:08.960 the piano. It's like you can't be mad at somebody 0:16:08.960 --> 0:16:10.600 for not being able to play the piano. But this 0:16:10.640 --> 0:16:14.000 guy sounds somehow worse than not being good at gifts, 0:16:14.280 --> 0:16:21.160 because he's like Microsoft Office. But giving gifts is so important, 0:16:21.280 --> 0:16:23.200 especially if that's your love language. I mean, I know 0:16:23.280 --> 0:16:26.760 a friend of mine who a series of bad gifts. 0:16:26.800 --> 0:16:29.040 It wasn't just one, but a series of bad gifts, 0:16:29.440 --> 0:16:32.360 and lack of thought about these gifts was one of 0:16:32.400 --> 0:16:35.000 the things that led directly to her breakup. For example, 0:16:35.720 --> 0:16:39.080 for a significant birthday, this guy had gone to the 0:16:39.160 --> 0:16:41.320 jewelry store and bought her something that was just like 0:16:41.520 --> 0:16:44.400 kind of weird and sort of dowdy, and he gave 0:16:44.400 --> 0:16:46.000 it to her, and as she's trying to sort of 0:16:46.040 --> 0:16:48.160 like put on a happy face and like say thank you, 0:16:48.680 --> 0:16:51.200 he goes, oh, well, yeah, I know it's not really 0:16:51.200 --> 0:16:53.320 your style, but the jewelry store was closing, so I 0:16:53.360 --> 0:16:55.920 just had to pick something. Like I actually said that, 0:16:56.160 --> 0:16:58.280 like truly, I think there are people who are just 0:16:58.400 --> 0:17:01.000 really bad at that, and for some people it's a 0:17:01.040 --> 0:17:05.720 really important thing. Right. This might sound judgy, and so 0:17:05.800 --> 0:17:08.320 be it. I would just argue, like, if gifts are 0:17:08.359 --> 0:17:11.199 that fucking important to you, then that's a need for 0:17:11.240 --> 0:17:14.480 some reevaluation, you know, because like you said, I like 0:17:14.560 --> 0:17:16.639 what you said about being bad at playing the piano, 0:17:16.720 --> 0:17:18.600 Like it is a skill set and some people don't 0:17:18.600 --> 0:17:21.000 have all the skill sets. It shouldn't be the basis 0:17:21.000 --> 0:17:22.760 of whether or not you stay with or break up 0:17:22.840 --> 0:17:26.800 with somebody. And to to the question to Heather, I'm 0:17:26.840 --> 0:17:29.200 sure your husband has caught onto the fact you mean 0:17:29.600 --> 0:17:34.520 that you're not impressed, because you cited various examples of that. 0:17:34.920 --> 0:17:37.480 But in a very loving way, what you can ask 0:17:37.560 --> 0:17:41.359 him for is something that shows love, you know, something 0:17:41.400 --> 0:17:45.320 that shows your intimacy and that demonstrates that he knows 0:17:45.400 --> 0:17:49.280 and sees you. And Microsoft word or a blender are 0:17:49.440 --> 0:17:52.639 the same thing in that category. My driver, Billy is 0:17:52.680 --> 0:17:54.680 the worst gift giver ever with his wife. And this 0:17:54.720 --> 0:17:56.760 is a lot of straight men's problem, like they don't 0:17:56.800 --> 0:17:59.600 have that attention to detail, you know, they don't care. 0:17:59.760 --> 0:18:02.280 That mean the guy leaving the jewelry store like, oh 0:18:02.320 --> 0:18:05.800 I just got that. It actually sounds like the person 0:18:05.840 --> 0:18:08.879 that your friend is, Catherine that you're talking about. It 0:18:08.920 --> 0:18:12.040 sounds like their partners like you know what, fuck you? 0:18:11.640 --> 0:18:15.160 And maybe that was what really looked Yeah maybe so. 0:18:15.400 --> 0:18:18.000 But for Heather, you can say in a loving way 0:18:18.040 --> 0:18:20.439 like it doesn't have to be a big production, but 0:18:20.600 --> 0:18:23.200 it has to be something that you've thought, given thought 0:18:23.280 --> 0:18:26.520 to about what my reaction will be something that you 0:18:26.560 --> 0:18:29.119 know that I'll enjoy. I just need to show. I 0:18:29.160 --> 0:18:32.440 need you to demonstrate your thought and care for me, right, 0:18:32.520 --> 0:18:34.720 And that's not something that's going to blow up. You 0:18:34.760 --> 0:18:37.680 don't have to have an argument about it. It's just like, please, 0:18:38.119 --> 0:18:41.040 you know, instead of crying. I understand you were pregnant 0:18:41.119 --> 0:18:43.359 and your emotions and hormones were all over the map, 0:18:43.400 --> 0:18:46.040 but like, that's not the way to make your point either. 0:18:46.200 --> 0:18:48.200 The point is just to say, like, listen, I need 0:18:48.240 --> 0:18:50.560 you to demonstrate and give them some examples of things 0:18:50.560 --> 0:18:53.320 that would make you happy, noticing something that you need 0:18:53.440 --> 0:18:56.119 or that you're missing, or that something that you've mentioned 0:18:56.160 --> 0:18:59.840 you've liked before or on a friend or something like that. 0:19:00.400 --> 0:19:04.760 You can give the examples and also not hold everyone 0:19:04.840 --> 0:19:07.000 to the standard that they're going to be the best 0:19:07.000 --> 0:19:10.199 gift giver. I'm sure your husband has other qualities that 0:19:10.240 --> 0:19:13.560 you enjoy, and you should really start focusing a little 0:19:13.560 --> 0:19:16.919 bit more on those things. Yeah, a rule in my 0:19:17.080 --> 0:19:20.120 marriage is I don't want something I need. I want 0:19:20.160 --> 0:19:23.000 something I want which maybe i'll love actually quote, but 0:19:23.240 --> 0:19:26.920 he steers towards those things, whereas he wants like an 0:19:26.920 --> 0:19:30.200 ice maker for the kitchen, like he wants stuff that's useful, 0:19:30.200 --> 0:19:35.119 and yeah he wants hobby stuff. Yeah. My general thought 0:19:35.680 --> 0:19:39.200 is I just am very loud about the few material 0:19:39.280 --> 0:19:42.200 things I like to my boyfriend. I make it very clear. 0:19:42.240 --> 0:19:45.520 They're like three categories. I just repeat them over and over, 0:19:45.600 --> 0:19:48.840 especially near holidays or my birthday, and it makes it 0:19:48.840 --> 0:19:50.919 easy for him. He's not a great gift giver, and 0:19:51.160 --> 0:19:54.120 he he is a decent gift giver, but because I've 0:19:54.160 --> 0:19:56.360 given him all of the information and the tools, gave 0:19:56.400 --> 0:19:58.720 him some basic building blocks and let him go ahead 0:19:58.720 --> 0:20:00.720 with it. Yeah, I'm not going to give giving. I'm 0:20:00.760 --> 0:20:02.760 luckily I have an assistant who does that for me 0:20:03.040 --> 0:20:05.720 and then kind of does small amounts of research with 0:20:05.840 --> 0:20:08.199 my relationships to find out what those people need. But 0:20:08.240 --> 0:20:10.360 if I didn't have that, I wouldn't be great at 0:20:10.400 --> 0:20:13.720 it with Joe. Had one milestone with him, which is Christmas, 0:20:13.760 --> 0:20:15.480 and I got him a fancy watch because I know 0:20:15.520 --> 0:20:17.919 he loves watches. But I'm already like, funk, what am 0:20:17.920 --> 0:20:19.520 I going to do for his birthday? Like that was 0:20:19.560 --> 0:20:23.040 my one gift, that's my one idea. I mean, he 0:20:23.119 --> 0:20:25.479 loves sneakers, but he buys himself pairs of those like 0:20:25.560 --> 0:20:28.600 all day long. So I'm already like, oh and he 0:20:28.640 --> 0:20:29.960 got me you know what he got me for my 0:20:30.000 --> 0:20:32.720 birthday just that just recently passed. He got me this 0:20:32.800 --> 0:20:34.879