1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:03,680 Speaker 1: Support for today's podcast comes from Chlorox. When it counts, 2 00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:07,400 Speaker 1: trust Clorox the same way we trust the central workers 3 00:00:07,440 --> 00:00:10,240 Speaker 1: to provide the care they give to us. Our families 4 00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:12,559 Speaker 1: trust us to give them a safe and protected home. 5 00:00:13,119 --> 00:00:16,599 Speaker 1: Our community heroes trust Clorox to keep places like hospitals 6 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:19,880 Speaker 1: and grocery stores disinfected. So I know, I too can 7 00:00:19,880 --> 00:00:22,800 Speaker 1: trust Clorox to provide my home with a safe environment 8 00:00:22,920 --> 00:00:26,239 Speaker 1: we can all enjoy. By mixing a third cup of 9 00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:29,760 Speaker 1: Chlorox regular bleach with one gallon of water, when used 10 00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:33,520 Speaker 1: as directed on hard, non ploorest surfaces, it kills ninety 11 00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:36,440 Speaker 1: nine point nine percent of germs in bacteria on a 12 00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:40,480 Speaker 1: variety of surfaces, from our kitchen floors to the counters, 13 00:00:40,520 --> 00:00:44,479 Speaker 1: to bathroom tubs and of course our laundry whites. I 14 00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:47,440 Speaker 1: know I can count on Chlorox disinfecting products to give 15 00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:51,000 Speaker 1: myself and my family the best home we deserve. With 16 00:00:51,080 --> 00:00:54,240 Speaker 1: two little ones, there's always something to wipe down. We 17 00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:58,080 Speaker 1: use Clorox wipes often on our countertops and appliances and 18 00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:01,360 Speaker 1: to clean up spills from the floor. Especially right now, 19 00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:04,000 Speaker 1: it's important to think about all the small ways we 20 00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:07,760 Speaker 1: can keep our spaces as safe as possible when it 21 00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:21,920 Speaker 1: counts trust clor Roxy. Welcome to the Therapy for Black 22 00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:27,560 Speaker 1: Girls Podcast, a weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, 23 00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:30,680 Speaker 1: and all the small decisions we can make to become 24 00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:34,880 Speaker 1: the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr 25 00:01:34,959 --> 00:01:39,200 Speaker 1: Joy hard and Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. 26 00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:43,480 Speaker 1: For more information or to find a therapist in your area, 27 00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:48,200 Speaker 1: visit our website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. 28 00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:51,320 Speaker 1: While I hope you love listening to and learning from 29 00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:54,480 Speaker 1: the podcast, it is not meant to be a substitute 30 00:01:54,800 --> 00:02:06,240 Speaker 1: for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, 31 00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:09,120 Speaker 1: thanks so much for joining me for session one three 32 00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:12,560 Speaker 1: of the Therapy for Black Girl's podcast. As the days 33 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:15,480 Speaker 1: get shorter and the wind gets colder, you might be 34 00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:18,639 Speaker 1: moving a little slower and feeling a little less motivated, 35 00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:22,960 Speaker 1: And given the multiple stressors we've experienced this year, that's 36 00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:26,440 Speaker 1: not at all a surprise. Today we're joined by Dr 37 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:30,800 Speaker 1: Alison Powell Hicks to talk about seasonal effective disorder and 38 00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:33,520 Speaker 1: how that might be heightening depressive symptoms you might have 39 00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:37,560 Speaker 1: experienced in the past. Dr Alie has a PhD in 40 00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:41,400 Speaker 1: clinical psychology and is a mental health and relationship expert 41 00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:45,919 Speaker 1: and television personality. She uses her skills and human behavior 42 00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:49,640 Speaker 1: to transform people's lives by creating strong connections to what 43 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:53,720 Speaker 1: motivates the most. Dr Ali and I discussed tips for 44 00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:57,359 Speaker 1: managing depressive symptoms, how we can tell if symptoms are 45 00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:00,920 Speaker 1: something we should be concerned about, how does support ourselves 46 00:03:00,919 --> 00:03:04,200 Speaker 1: in this very different holiday season, and some of the 47 00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:07,919 Speaker 1: relationship challenges that have arisen during the pandemic and how 48 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:11,560 Speaker 1: to manage them. If something resonates with you while enjoying 49 00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:14,560 Speaker 1: our conversation, please be sure to share with us on 50 00:03:14,639 --> 00:03:19,840 Speaker 1: social media using the hashtag TPG in session. Here's our conversation. 51 00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:26,680 Speaker 1: Thank you so much for joining us today, Dr Alie, Well, 52 00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:29,080 Speaker 1: thank you for having me. Yes, it feels like we 53 00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:31,360 Speaker 1: are overdue for a conversation, so I'm very glad we 54 00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:34,280 Speaker 1: were able to get you on the schedule. So you 55 00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:37,520 Speaker 1: may have seen this meme floating around social media with 56 00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:40,320 Speaker 1: all the spider man's pointing at one another. Right with 57 00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:45,280 Speaker 1: seasonal effective depression meets COVID depression meets normal depression, right, 58 00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:48,400 Speaker 1: and it kind of feels like that is where many 59 00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:50,480 Speaker 1: of us are, right Like, it just feels like, there's 60 00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:53,440 Speaker 1: been so much going on this year and now we 61 00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:57,280 Speaker 1: are hitting peak winter season. Let's start off by defining 62 00:03:57,360 --> 00:04:01,000 Speaker 1: what seasonal effective disorder is. Well, what it is is 63 00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:05,680 Speaker 1: it's an increase in depressive symptoms around specific seasons. Most 64 00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:09,440 Speaker 1: commonly those seasons would be the beginning of fall through winter. 65 00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:14,080 Speaker 1: Some people do experience some seasonal effective disorder in spring, 66 00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:18,320 Speaker 1: that is very rare. The average person experiences this decrease 67 00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:22,320 Speaker 1: in affect, this increase in sadness, maybe even some thoughts 68 00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:25,920 Speaker 1: of suicide, low volition and low desire to do things 69 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:29,280 Speaker 1: that they used to live to do, sleep alterations, changes 70 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:32,480 Speaker 1: in diet, and maybe even some level of irritability. They 71 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:36,360 Speaker 1: experience some of those symptoms normally starting in fall or winter. 72 00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:39,960 Speaker 1: There really isn't any difference in what those symptoms look 73 00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:43,880 Speaker 1: like versus you just had depressive disorder, you know, not 74 00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:46,599 Speaker 1: otherwise specified or something like that. So can you talk 75 00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:49,880 Speaker 1: about what people might be expecting or experiencing this year 76 00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:53,880 Speaker 1: given what has been like I think you said it perfectly. 77 00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:56,240 Speaker 1: It's the too many spider man like model. We have 78 00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:59,599 Speaker 1: too many overlaying issues. There's a lot of issues happening 79 00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:02,080 Speaker 1: right now because I mean we also have Black Lives Matter. 80 00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:06,279 Speaker 1: We also have people concerned about their health insurance. We 81 00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:09,400 Speaker 1: have people worried about their jobs, we have people worried about, 82 00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:11,320 Speaker 1: you know, their rights on multiple different groups that are 83 00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:13,760 Speaker 1: dealing with rights, from doctor people to people dealing with 84 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:19,000 Speaker 1: LGBT issues. There's so many co occurring stressors right now. 85 00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:21,240 Speaker 1: Is it's something that I think we haven't seen in 86 00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:23,600 Speaker 1: a hundred years, and so most of us were not alive, 87 00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:26,440 Speaker 1: and those of us who are a hundred weren't alive 88 00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:29,800 Speaker 1: enough to have done anything a hundred years ago. And 89 00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:32,880 Speaker 1: so what people can expect and what is it really 90 00:05:32,920 --> 00:05:36,960 Speaker 1: typical is maybe some increased sadness right a level of sadness, 91 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:40,760 Speaker 1: maybe some slight changes in rhythm, like, for example, people 92 00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:42,320 Speaker 1: really haven't been getting out of bed at the same 93 00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:44,039 Speaker 1: time that they used to when they used to have 94 00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:46,120 Speaker 1: a job that they had to go to every day, 95 00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:47,400 Speaker 1: so they had to be up at five thirty in 96 00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,240 Speaker 1: the morning to get ready. Maybe you're waking up at 97 00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:52,320 Speaker 1: seven thirty instead, or eight o'clock or nine o'clock, and 98 00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:54,960 Speaker 1: some of those things are kind of expected. When you 99 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:58,640 Speaker 1: want to begin to get concerned is when these alterations 100 00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:01,919 Speaker 1: begin to damage or alter the function of your life. 101 00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:05,279 Speaker 1: So if now your diet and your appetite has changed 102 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:07,479 Speaker 1: so much that you're either gaining weight without trying to 103 00:06:07,640 --> 00:06:10,120 Speaker 1: or losing weight without trying to, that's something to be 104 00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:12,719 Speaker 1: concerned about. If you notice that your sleep is changing 105 00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:15,560 Speaker 1: so much that now you're sleeping throughout the whole day, 106 00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:17,560 Speaker 1: or you're not sleeping at night at all when you 107 00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:19,719 Speaker 1: used to, these are the types of changes that you 108 00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:22,159 Speaker 1: want to keep an eye out for. And how would 109 00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:24,400 Speaker 1: we know, though, Dr Alie, I mean, because so much 110 00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:28,120 Speaker 1: of that already changed because of the pandemic, right, And 111 00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:32,920 Speaker 1: so how would I know whether my functioning looks different 112 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:35,520 Speaker 1: now than it might have? Like what I'd be comparing 113 00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:37,880 Speaker 1: it's the last year this time, Like what marker should 114 00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:40,440 Speaker 1: I be looking for? I say, we might need to 115 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:42,960 Speaker 1: narrow the comparison window now, compare it to two months 116 00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:45,440 Speaker 1: ago to three months ago, because we do have a 117 00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:48,320 Speaker 1: baseline COVID function, and I think that we've kind of 118 00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:50,960 Speaker 1: reached a point at least here, you know, in California 119 00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:53,360 Speaker 1: I can only speak to. We've been in in a 120 00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:57,400 Speaker 1: level of quarantine since March nineteenth, and so we've all 121 00:06:57,480 --> 00:07:00,840 Speaker 1: had a number of different experiences. Like from the first 122 00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:05,520 Speaker 1: two weeks, I was petrified, utterly petrified. I didn't sleep, 123 00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:07,839 Speaker 1: I was in bed all day. Though I was sad, 124 00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:10,560 Speaker 1: I was anxious, had so many emotions it was really 125 00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:12,920 Speaker 1: difficult for me to function. And then I started to 126 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:16,040 Speaker 1: kind of lift and everything started to kind of you know, 127 00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:18,120 Speaker 1: smooth out. Am I the same way I was last 128 00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:20,720 Speaker 1: year at this time? I don't think so, But I 129 00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:23,280 Speaker 1: think we begin to identify a rhythm that we have 130 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:25,360 Speaker 1: for COVID. So if you, let's say, I don't know 131 00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:27,560 Speaker 1: who's doing this, but if you like showered every day 132 00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:32,640 Speaker 1: during COVID, I don't know who's doing that. Maybe I'm 133 00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:35,160 Speaker 1: telling them myself I did shower today. But if you 134 00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:37,200 Speaker 1: showered every day and now you notice you're showering once 135 00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:40,120 Speaker 1: a week, or you're showing every third day, or you're 136 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:42,320 Speaker 1: showing every other day, that's something you can notice. So 137 00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:45,800 Speaker 1: comparing your current functioning to where it was a few 138 00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:47,800 Speaker 1: months ago, I think is the way we have to 139 00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:50,920 Speaker 1: treat it now. Mm hmmm. That's a good idea. And 140 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:52,760 Speaker 1: let's back up a little bit. So what is it 141 00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:58,200 Speaker 1: about the change in season that causes this difference in functioning. Yeah, 142 00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:01,280 Speaker 1: it is all about sunshine. Is all about sunshine, is 143 00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:04,560 Speaker 1: that humans need sunshine in order to create vitamin D. 144 00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:07,400 Speaker 1: It's one of the best ways we create vitamin D. Obviously, 145 00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:09,880 Speaker 1: now we have vitamins and things that we can take supplements, 146 00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:12,320 Speaker 1: but vitamin D from the sun is so important. It 147 00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:15,320 Speaker 1: helps to elevate mood. It helps to regulate circadian rhythms 148 00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:18,120 Speaker 1: as well. So we also have melatonin that's impacted by 149 00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:21,520 Speaker 1: our access to the sun and as well as serotonin, 150 00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:23,680 Speaker 1: and serotonin is something we're all very familiar with when 151 00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:25,880 Speaker 1: it comes to people with depression. One of the first 152 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,200 Speaker 1: medications they take is an S s r I, which 153 00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:32,040 Speaker 1: is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor. So serotonin is really 154 00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:35,120 Speaker 1: important in the way that we process emotions, and so 155 00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:38,560 Speaker 1: when we have these two chemicals and one vitamin or 156 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:42,160 Speaker 1: mineral that are off, it can really change our behavior, 157 00:08:42,559 --> 00:08:44,400 Speaker 1: the way that we feel in our own skin, and 158 00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:46,440 Speaker 1: the way that we relate to others. And so it 159 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:48,600 Speaker 1: is key to try to get as much sunlight as 160 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:51,520 Speaker 1: possible if you're in a state that has any California 161 00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:54,200 Speaker 1: has some right now, but other states are under cloud cover, 162 00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:56,960 Speaker 1: and so a lot of people have been getting those lights, 163 00:08:57,400 --> 00:09:01,280 Speaker 1: those um sunlights, and it's really important because as we 164 00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:04,600 Speaker 1: have more nighttime, we just have less hours in the day. 165 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:07,160 Speaker 1: One of my best friends with to Sweden and I 166 00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:09,280 Speaker 1: think they get there getting like five hours of sunshine 167 00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:12,360 Speaker 1: to day now, m m. And winter hasn't even fully 168 00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:15,760 Speaker 1: hit right, right, So can you talk more about the lights? 169 00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:17,160 Speaker 1: I know a lot of people. Do you like the 170 00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:19,800 Speaker 1: light boxes? Right? And I love that they have become 171 00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:23,040 Speaker 1: so much more accessible because like teen years ago, like 172 00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:25,600 Speaker 1: I remember, we would rip them out to students in 173 00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:28,280 Speaker 1: the counseling center, right because it wasn't something that you 174 00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:31,319 Speaker 1: could individually afford. But it feels like now there are 175 00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:33,480 Speaker 1: lots of affordable versions. Can you talk a little bit 176 00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:36,800 Speaker 1: about how the light boxes work? Yes, they released the 177 00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:39,559 Speaker 1: same type of wavelength that the sun would and so 178 00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:42,400 Speaker 1: you can sit near these lights, sitting upon what kind 179 00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:44,560 Speaker 1: of light you have, you can, you know, turn it 180 00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:46,720 Speaker 1: up as high as you can. You can get some 181 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:49,800 Speaker 1: of the benefits that you would have had from sunshine 182 00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:52,960 Speaker 1: from these lights. And it's particularly important for people of 183 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:55,600 Speaker 1: color because melanine helps to protect us from the light 184 00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:58,640 Speaker 1: from UV raised by reflecting more of the UV raised back, 185 00:09:58,679 --> 00:10:00,600 Speaker 1: and so what it does is now we need more 186 00:10:00,679 --> 00:10:03,560 Speaker 1: sunshine because our ancestors came from places that were full 187 00:10:03,559 --> 00:10:05,800 Speaker 1: of sunshine for large tents of the year, so we 188 00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:08,560 Speaker 1: not need more. And so you see African Americans and 189 00:10:08,559 --> 00:10:12,000 Speaker 1: people with darker complexions with richer complexions. We'll need more 190 00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:15,000 Speaker 1: access to sunlight. And there's also a number of studies 191 00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:19,199 Speaker 1: that show that the level of sunlight that you absorbed 192 00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:23,240 Speaker 1: in your region between birth and the age of fifteen 193 00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:26,760 Speaker 1: is the way that your body processes sun and produces 194 00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:29,480 Speaker 1: vitamin D. So if your first fifteen years you spent 195 00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:33,800 Speaker 1: living in you know, southern California, for example, and then 196 00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:37,080 Speaker 1: you moved to New England, you're now going to be 197 00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:41,280 Speaker 1: experiencing less sunlight, and so you definitely need to get 198 00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:44,479 Speaker 1: your supplements on, get that light and get a therapist 199 00:10:44,559 --> 00:10:47,320 Speaker 1: to make sure that you can make up for some 200 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:50,120 Speaker 1: of the sunlight you're missing now. So how we're talking 201 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:52,600 Speaker 1: with the therapists help right now if so much of 202 00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:55,840 Speaker 1: it is related to sunlight. Yeah, one of the recommendations 203 00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:59,800 Speaker 1: cognitive behavioral therapy, because though we need the sunlight, we 204 00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:03,080 Speaker 1: need the vitamin We all need to get a certain 205 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:06,240 Speaker 1: sense of motivation and a certain understanding of why it 206 00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:08,520 Speaker 1: as we're going through what we're going through, because thoughts 207 00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:12,120 Speaker 1: still matter. So even though there's definitely a biological component, 208 00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:15,559 Speaker 1: and I'm very interested in the biology, but it is 209 00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:20,720 Speaker 1: important to gain a level of motivation and understanding about 210 00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:23,400 Speaker 1: what it is you're dealing with. And so cognitive behavioral 211 00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:27,760 Speaker 1: therapy will help you to focus out your thoughts impact 212 00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:30,559 Speaker 1: emotions and think about how you emotions impact your behavior, 213 00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:33,440 Speaker 1: and so you can start also think your way through 214 00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:35,760 Speaker 1: some of this, so you can get the motivated lights 215 00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:38,040 Speaker 1: and get the motivation to take for yourself, so you 216 00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:40,920 Speaker 1: can get the motivation to also rely on other people, 217 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:44,960 Speaker 1: because sometimes we don't see our symptoms. So are there 218 00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:47,079 Speaker 1: other things that you would suggest? I mean, and again, 219 00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:49,199 Speaker 1: you know we've already talked about like just the multiple 220 00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:52,520 Speaker 1: stresses that we've been experiencing this year. But I also 221 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:55,600 Speaker 1: think now we're moving into the holiday season, right and 222 00:11:55,679 --> 00:11:58,880 Speaker 1: because of COVID, you know, we know our holidays are 223 00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:01,280 Speaker 1: not going to look the same. Know, people are encouraging 224 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:04,000 Speaker 1: us not to travel and not to really gather with 225 00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:06,959 Speaker 1: family that we aren't already living with, right, And so 226 00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:09,480 Speaker 1: I know that that as an additional stressor can you 227 00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:12,120 Speaker 1: talk a little bit about what kinds of things people 228 00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:14,120 Speaker 1: might be able to do to kind of reimagine the 229 00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:17,440 Speaker 1: holiday season this year. Yeah, it's hard. I've had a 230 00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:20,480 Speaker 1: lot of people really concerned about that. And I think, 231 00:12:20,559 --> 00:12:24,760 Speaker 1: number one, it's okay to grieve the normalcy that we 232 00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:27,880 Speaker 1: used to have, the normalcy that we experienced in getting 233 00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:29,320 Speaker 1: to go to your parents house. It's okay to be 234 00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:30,959 Speaker 1: sad about it. And I think there's a lot of 235 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,200 Speaker 1: people that are trying to cover that sadness with something else, like, oh, 236 00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:35,000 Speaker 1: I don't want to be sad really productive, I don't 237 00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:36,640 Speaker 1: want to be sad, And maybe this it's okay to 238 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:40,360 Speaker 1: be said. It is the most normal, typical, acceptable thing 239 00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:42,920 Speaker 1: you can do. So that's number one. I would allow 240 00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:45,640 Speaker 1: myself to grieve. In the way that I conceptualized life. 241 00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:51,640 Speaker 1: I have like these four piece of life. It is play, purpose, practices, 242 00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:55,160 Speaker 1: and people. And practices are going to be different this year, 243 00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:57,560 Speaker 1: and so are people. And so those are four of 244 00:12:57,559 --> 00:13:00,079 Speaker 1: the things that give us a sense of balance and 245 00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:03,040 Speaker 1: a sense of like, you know, this is what life is. 246 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:06,480 Speaker 1: And so when it comes to practices, those are the 247 00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:08,800 Speaker 1: traditions that we maintain those are you know, everyone has 248 00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:11,680 Speaker 1: their seat that Thanksgiving, and so and so brings this 249 00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:13,920 Speaker 1: food every year, and so and so brings that food, 250 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,240 Speaker 1: and this is a person that always has family prayer. 251 00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:18,440 Speaker 1: So practices are going to be a little different. But 252 00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:21,480 Speaker 1: humans love tradition, and so this year, we can't begin 253 00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:25,160 Speaker 1: to create new traditions. So get a little this is 254 00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:29,160 Speaker 1: gonna sound crazy, get excited about creating something new. And 255 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:30,800 Speaker 1: I know a lot of people are not feeling that, 256 00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:33,160 Speaker 1: and I'm like, I am absolutely not going to get 257 00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:36,640 Speaker 1: excited about doing something new. But changing the way that 258 00:13:36,679 --> 00:13:39,240 Speaker 1: we perceive things and changing the way that we talk 259 00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:42,160 Speaker 1: about things can really help elevate your mood. If you 260 00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:44,840 Speaker 1: tell yourself, I'm not going to have the family around 261 00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:46,559 Speaker 1: that I want to have, I'm not going to have 262 00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:49,240 Speaker 1: the Thanksgiving that I want that's going to shape and 263 00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:52,480 Speaker 1: form a particular emotion. But as you tell yourself, you know, 264 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:55,160 Speaker 1: I get to do this this yater instead, I get 265 00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:58,280 Speaker 1: to practice making my own food for a whole Thanksgiving dinner. 266 00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:01,440 Speaker 1: Like that sounds a little interest thing, but I'm taking 267 00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:03,840 Speaker 1: it as like a challenge because one day I'm going 268 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:05,480 Speaker 1: to be the head of my family and all the 269 00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:08,160 Speaker 1: elders in my family will be gone, and what am 270 00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:10,280 Speaker 1: I gonna do? How am I going to run my Thanksgiving? 271 00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:13,439 Speaker 1: And so starting that tradition this year of identifying what 272 00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:16,000 Speaker 1: do I like to cook, how do I run Thanksgiving? 273 00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:18,640 Speaker 1: How does it work for me, and so really diving 274 00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:20,720 Speaker 1: into the creativity of it, which is not going to 275 00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:23,920 Speaker 1: be super easy, I acknowledge, but it is possible, and 276 00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:25,840 Speaker 1: you can do it in tiny amounts, and you know, 277 00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:27,560 Speaker 1: make it fun to do something this year if you're 278 00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:32,320 Speaker 1: doing it differently, and then the the Z word, you 279 00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:37,960 Speaker 1: might have to zoom. I know it's it's nobody wants 280 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,600 Speaker 1: to do them anymore. It's a thing. I get it. 281 00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:42,120 Speaker 1: You want to see your family, you want to be 282 00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:45,080 Speaker 1: in their faces. But for the sake of your future 283 00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:47,280 Speaker 1: and for the sake of everyone's health, it is important 284 00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:49,880 Speaker 1: to stay at home. And so my family, for example, 285 00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:54,560 Speaker 1: we're swapping recipes. So there's one recipe that my uncle 286 00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:56,560 Speaker 1: still will not give us, and I am like, if 287 00:14:56,600 --> 00:15:01,240 Speaker 1: he doesn't give us recipe, where I'm gonna lose it. 288 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,800 Speaker 1: But so we're swapping recipes and so that's like a 289 00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:07,480 Speaker 1: new family tradition. We've never given each other recipes. We 290 00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:10,400 Speaker 1: just come with our own stuff, Like I make this 291 00:15:10,760 --> 00:15:14,040 Speaker 1: cranberry sauce from scratch, which is not super difficult, but 292 00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:16,960 Speaker 1: it makes a big difference. So, you know, I'm giving 293 00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:19,120 Speaker 1: that recipe, and my aunt is giving us her vegan 294 00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:22,040 Speaker 1: macaroni and cheese recipe, and I'm adding vegan bacon to mine, 295 00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:26,040 Speaker 1: you know, And so start something new, make it fun, 296 00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:28,200 Speaker 1: make it interesting, so you can try to make the 297 00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:31,320 Speaker 1: best of this moment. M hmm. Yeah. And I also 298 00:15:31,440 --> 00:15:33,640 Speaker 1: think that it could be if you can allow yourself 299 00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:35,840 Speaker 1: to be in this space. I also think it could 300 00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:38,080 Speaker 1: be good for people to just decide, you know what, 301 00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:41,240 Speaker 1: holidays are stressful and this year I'm not doing anything 302 00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:44,120 Speaker 1: right like that, it is also okay to give yourself 303 00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:47,080 Speaker 1: permission to kind of relax this year because things are 304 00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:51,320 Speaker 1: so different. I totally agree. Like watch a Charlie brannt 305 00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:54,960 Speaker 1: wait to Charlie Brunt haam Thanksgiving special, Halloween and Christmas. No, 306 00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:57,120 Speaker 1: we just watched it this Friday, so he definitely has 307 00:15:57,120 --> 00:16:00,480 Speaker 1: some Thanksgiving special. You see, Like turn on something that 308 00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:03,440 Speaker 1: makes you feel good, listen to some music that makes 309 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:06,080 Speaker 1: you feel good. If you don't want to cook, don't 310 00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:08,360 Speaker 1: if you want to have microwave popcorn, eat that popcorn, 311 00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:10,880 Speaker 1: Like this is a year of taking care of self. 312 00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:14,960 Speaker 1: If we've learned anything from this COVID time, we have 313 00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:18,600 Speaker 1: to find a way to to feel as comfortable as 314 00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:20,800 Speaker 1: we can, because there's so much discomfort in the world. 315 00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:22,720 Speaker 1: So I totally agree with you. If you don't want 316 00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:24,640 Speaker 1: to make Thanksgiving a thing, you are fully allowed to 317 00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:27,640 Speaker 1: not make make Thanksgiving a thing. The same goes for Christmas. 318 00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:30,640 Speaker 1: Mm hmmmmmm. Yeah. I think that's true any year, but 319 00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:33,400 Speaker 1: I think especially this year, right because I think there 320 00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:35,600 Speaker 1: is a lot of pressure, like, Okay, let's see how 321 00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:37,480 Speaker 1: creative we can get with zoom. And I think that 322 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:39,800 Speaker 1: that's great if that's where you are, right, But I 323 00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:41,920 Speaker 1: also think that it can be an opportunity for people 324 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,520 Speaker 1: to just say, you know what, I'm just gonna take 325 00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:47,480 Speaker 1: the holiday off for real this year and just relax. Yeah, 326 00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:50,320 Speaker 1: because I know in California we're there's a shutdown down 327 00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:55,240 Speaker 1: coming on November of all restaurants they're only doing take out. 328 00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:57,560 Speaker 1: You can't sit outside in a restaurant, you can't sit 329 00:16:57,560 --> 00:16:59,480 Speaker 1: inside in the restaurant. They're done. And a lot of 330 00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:01,280 Speaker 1: my friends are really worried about it because I like, 331 00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:04,639 Speaker 1: that was my Thanksgiving plan, you know, it was me 332 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:06,920 Speaker 1: and my partner going to sit outside at a restaurant. 333 00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:10,280 Speaker 1: And now everything's changed, and I mean we're like four 334 00:17:10,359 --> 00:17:13,639 Speaker 1: days out and so so some of those people might just, 335 00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:17,159 Speaker 1: you know, decide to just not do anything right, or 336 00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:20,440 Speaker 1: just do take out, or just to take care. I 337 00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:22,000 Speaker 1: have a girlfriend's like, I don't like take out, but 338 00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:24,960 Speaker 1: I'm like, well that you I get that though, I 339 00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:28,760 Speaker 1: get that different. Yeah, the ambiance is very different, and 340 00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:30,200 Speaker 1: I think that that is what a lot of people 341 00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:33,320 Speaker 1: have struggled with this year, right, is that it is different. 342 00:17:33,359 --> 00:17:35,119 Speaker 1: And so I think when people are trying to like 343 00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:37,800 Speaker 1: make it be the same, that's when they get caught 344 00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:40,200 Speaker 1: up because it's not the same. But we can still 345 00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:42,800 Speaker 1: have an appreciation for this is not the same, but 346 00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:46,680 Speaker 1: it's still meaningful exactly. And I think meaning is something 347 00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:49,879 Speaker 1: that is so important to humans. We love to ask 348 00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:53,560 Speaker 1: why that is a meaning late in question why is 349 00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:57,480 Speaker 1: this happening? Why? Why? Why? And so creating meaning around 350 00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:00,199 Speaker 1: you know, the new traditions. Maybe the new tradition is 351 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:02,760 Speaker 1: I chill out under a blanket and drink some very 352 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:05,320 Speaker 1: nice wine that's what I do for Thanksgiving this year. 353 00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:07,400 Speaker 1: That's the tradition that I'm setting up for this year, 354 00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:09,320 Speaker 1: And that's something to do. And this holds meaning to 355 00:18:09,359 --> 00:18:11,440 Speaker 1: me because like this is the meaning that it holds. 356 00:18:11,480 --> 00:18:15,199 Speaker 1: It's about self care, it's about experiencing, it's about mindfulness whatever. 357 00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:17,320 Speaker 1: So Dr Eli, I would love for you to talk 358 00:18:17,359 --> 00:18:20,440 Speaker 1: to us more about these four ps, not just related 359 00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:23,359 Speaker 1: to you know, right now, but like even as we 360 00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:26,600 Speaker 1: think about moving into one and what nixt year might be, like, 361 00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:28,600 Speaker 1: can you tell us more about those four pas and 362 00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:31,360 Speaker 1: how we might kind of really focus on enhancing those 363 00:18:31,359 --> 00:18:35,720 Speaker 1: in our lives. Absolutely, so we have practices obviously, which 364 00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:39,800 Speaker 1: is the traditions that we've you know, gotten from whoever 365 00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:42,359 Speaker 1: in our family. Traditions can pop up quickly. Then we 366 00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:46,000 Speaker 1: have people, right, We are social creatures. Humans have evolved 367 00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:48,160 Speaker 1: in frontal lobe in order to connect with other people. 368 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:51,919 Speaker 1: It is our central drive. Like, no matter what some 369 00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:54,359 Speaker 1: people say I don't like people, I'm like, yes you do, 370 00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:56,679 Speaker 1: Like we have to go to the grocery store. I 371 00:18:56,680 --> 00:19:00,760 Speaker 1: don't plant plants, I don't make food. I don't build buildings. 372 00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:03,080 Speaker 1: House I'm sitting in right now was built by a person, 373 00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:06,240 Speaker 1: So I need people. If you're tired of people, I 374 00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:10,199 Speaker 1: get that, But people is very important. So identifying the 375 00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:12,160 Speaker 1: types of people you want in your life is also 376 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:15,800 Speaker 1: very important, not just about intimate relationships or sexual relationships, 377 00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:20,000 Speaker 1: but all levels of relationships. The number one challenge that 378 00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:22,920 Speaker 1: has been brought to me during COVID from my clients 379 00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:27,920 Speaker 1: has been feeling overwhelmed and undersupported, and it comes typically 380 00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:30,840 Speaker 1: from African American women. I've noticed a pattern where we 381 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:33,639 Speaker 1: tend to be everything for everyone, but then when the 382 00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:36,399 Speaker 1: rubber hits the road and now we're kind of breaking down. 383 00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:39,720 Speaker 1: We haven't built relationships with people that can support us 384 00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:42,879 Speaker 1: as much as we support them. And so beginning to 385 00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:46,080 Speaker 1: make those adjustments now and beginning to identify in yourself 386 00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:48,640 Speaker 1: who is able to be there for you in that way. 387 00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:51,800 Speaker 1: Because here's the thing, if relationship isn't toxic, it doesn't 388 00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:55,320 Speaker 1: necessarily have to be everything for you, right this person 389 00:19:55,359 --> 00:19:58,840 Speaker 1: doesn't have to do absolutely everything. But identifying what and 390 00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:01,520 Speaker 1: what role people play in your life this is important. 391 00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:04,600 Speaker 1: I'm actually putting together like this toxicity scale where we're 392 00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:07,199 Speaker 1: trying to measure like the toxicity of people's relationships and 393 00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:09,120 Speaker 1: I'll get back to y'all and how that works out, 394 00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:12,439 Speaker 1: because I think it's important because I think sometimes a 395 00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:13,800 Speaker 1: lot of things that I see too when it comes 396 00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:17,760 Speaker 1: to the people component of my four ps is when 397 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:20,760 Speaker 1: dating a lot of my clients kind of and just 398 00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:22,520 Speaker 1: people in general and not I'm just my clients, they 399 00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:26,320 Speaker 1: confuse assholes for alpha males. And I hear a lot 400 00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:30,760 Speaker 1: of people making excuses for genuinely destructive, toxic behavior from 401 00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:33,200 Speaker 1: their partners, and they're like, well, he's just an alpha, 402 00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:36,200 Speaker 1: that's what alpha's do. No, no, no, Barack Obama is 403 00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:39,560 Speaker 1: an alpha. He's not cheating on his wife as far 404 00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:43,440 Speaker 1: as we know, knock on wood, He's not disrespecting his wife, 405 00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:46,080 Speaker 1: he's not ignoring his children, he's not focused so much 406 00:20:46,119 --> 00:20:50,040 Speaker 1: on his career that he's totally alienated and isolated himself. 407 00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:53,840 Speaker 1: So really understanding that just because somebody seems powerful doesn't 408 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:56,800 Speaker 1: make them that way. And so really understanding relationships so 409 00:20:56,920 --> 00:21:01,480 Speaker 1: p people is so important. So structuring that for yourself. 410 00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:05,040 Speaker 1: Then play is all about hobbies, things that you just 411 00:21:05,119 --> 00:21:07,320 Speaker 1: enjoyed for the sake of enjoying them. These are just 412 00:21:07,359 --> 00:21:10,320 Speaker 1: your loves. We really lost contact with that because the 413 00:21:10,359 --> 00:21:12,560 Speaker 1: things I love to do I can't do anymore. I 414 00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:14,800 Speaker 1: love the shop. I will sit in the store all day. 415 00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:19,040 Speaker 1: I literally take it as a hobby of mine. Oh God. 416 00:21:19,119 --> 00:21:20,920 Speaker 1: And I'm not even like the discount person. I just 417 00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:25,320 Speaker 1: want beautiful things. And that's changed, you know, even with 418 00:21:25,359 --> 00:21:28,320 Speaker 1: technology with you know, for me, my hobby changed once 419 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:31,119 Speaker 1: online shopping emerged because I can't do what I like 420 00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:33,240 Speaker 1: to do, which is touched and sniff and hold everything 421 00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:36,159 Speaker 1: and play with it. And so play is all the 422 00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:38,959 Speaker 1: aligning with your hobbies, Aligning with the things that just 423 00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:41,080 Speaker 1: genuinely make you happy. These are the things that make 424 00:21:41,119 --> 00:21:45,040 Speaker 1: life living. Travel for some people, for the people, it's writing. 425 00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:48,480 Speaker 1: For some people it's you know, exercise and running and 426 00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:51,040 Speaker 1: you know, things like that. So aligning with your play 427 00:21:51,119 --> 00:21:53,560 Speaker 1: what's important to you, because ultimately we might not be 428 00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:57,280 Speaker 1: children anymore, but children learned fundamentally through play, and play 429 00:21:57,359 --> 00:22:00,119 Speaker 1: is a huge component of human life. So tell up 430 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:02,960 Speaker 1: into that part of yourself and your play. What's important, 431 00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:06,879 Speaker 1: what's fun to you? Then, purpose, which is something I'm 432 00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:09,640 Speaker 1: actually working on so deeply right now. I just started 433 00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:13,840 Speaker 1: this membership service called the Due Collective. And in the 434 00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:16,679 Speaker 1: Due Collective, one of the first challenges we're doing is 435 00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:21,560 Speaker 1: tapping into purpose, and purpose is the driving force of 436 00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:24,320 Speaker 1: our life. Why it is we wake up every morning? 437 00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:26,760 Speaker 1: Why are we on this planet? Right? What are we 438 00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:28,720 Speaker 1: here to do? And I feel like a lot of 439 00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:30,560 Speaker 1: people have an idea of what that is, but they 440 00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:32,760 Speaker 1: haven't really solidified it. And then there are some people 441 00:22:32,760 --> 00:22:35,119 Speaker 1: who just have a genuinely tough time figuring out like 442 00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:37,959 Speaker 1: why am I here? And there's a number of different 443 00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:42,200 Speaker 1: ways people kind of break down, you know, identifying your purpose. 444 00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:46,159 Speaker 1: Have you heard of the ekey guy method? Guy, I 445 00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:47,679 Speaker 1: haven't heard of them, but we will look it up 446 00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:50,960 Speaker 1: and give it as a research to people. Yeah, um, 447 00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:54,320 Speaker 1: the aky guy method. It's a Japanese term meaning like 448 00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:58,040 Speaker 1: like reason for living, and it breaks down your reason 449 00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:02,000 Speaker 1: for living into four different category. One is the things 450 00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:04,720 Speaker 1: you love, another is the things that you're good at, 451 00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:07,240 Speaker 1: the things you can make money at, and the things 452 00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:11,479 Speaker 1: that will change the world. And I really align with 453 00:23:11,480 --> 00:23:14,880 Speaker 1: that because I think that it is difficult to identify, 454 00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:17,160 Speaker 1: like what your purpose is because it's such a big thing, 455 00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:19,240 Speaker 1: like how do you define purpose? How do you really 456 00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:21,640 Speaker 1: challenge yourself to break it down? And so I break 457 00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:24,199 Speaker 1: it down into those four categories and then begin to 458 00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:27,000 Speaker 1: dive deeply into each one of those categories. How we 459 00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:30,399 Speaker 1: go about identifying what you love? So these are these 460 00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:32,200 Speaker 1: are the ways that we do it. And this is 461 00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:34,920 Speaker 1: actually the module that I've been developing for this past 462 00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:38,760 Speaker 1: few months to really dive into with this this membership 463 00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:42,000 Speaker 1: service that I just created, and that to me is 464 00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:46,320 Speaker 1: purpose and it can be you know, it can extend 465 00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:48,320 Speaker 1: to anything. And I think that we also minimize it 466 00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:50,280 Speaker 1: to what you have to do for a living, and 467 00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:53,359 Speaker 1: that's not always the case. Yeah. I think that that 468 00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:56,360 Speaker 1: is often where people get misguided is thinking that your 469 00:23:56,359 --> 00:23:58,359 Speaker 1: purpose is going to be the thing that makes you money. 470 00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:00,240 Speaker 1: And I think a lot of times when you try 471 00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:02,320 Speaker 1: to turn it into the thing that makes you money, 472 00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:04,679 Speaker 1: you kind of give off track a little. I agree, 473 00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:06,760 Speaker 1: because I think that we can get lost in the 474 00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:09,640 Speaker 1: finances of it. And I tell people to often move 475 00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:12,360 Speaker 1: towards what you want to like, move from love as 476 00:24:12,359 --> 00:24:15,520 Speaker 1: opposed to moving from fear. And when people include money 477 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:19,119 Speaker 1: into their concept too heavily of purpose because obviously we 478 00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:21,760 Speaker 1: need money to live. When they include it too heavily, 479 00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:25,200 Speaker 1: I find people moving from fear rather than love. Mm hmm. 480 00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:27,840 Speaker 1: You know, because what I've noticed is people don't necessarily 481 00:24:27,880 --> 00:24:30,480 Speaker 1: love money. They're afraid of what will happen if they 482 00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:34,199 Speaker 1: don't have it. M m m yeah. I mean in 483 00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:36,320 Speaker 1: the world that we live in, that's a very real fear. 484 00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:39,600 Speaker 1: It's very real. Yeah, and so you need it. So 485 00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:41,359 Speaker 1: I'm never gonna tell anybody like, you've got to become 486 00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:43,080 Speaker 1: a monk and meditate on a mountain for the next 487 00:24:43,119 --> 00:24:45,960 Speaker 1: ten years unless you want to. I'm not gonna stop you. 488 00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:49,000 Speaker 1: But you know, but I think it's important to really 489 00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:52,200 Speaker 1: figure out how much we weigh these things. And I've 490 00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:55,359 Speaker 1: also noticed people who tend to want money don't necessarily 491 00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:57,720 Speaker 1: want just the money. They want what the money will 492 00:24:57,720 --> 00:25:00,720 Speaker 1: give them. And so diving down to that, So what 493 00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:02,680 Speaker 1: is it that the money will give you. For a 494 00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:06,399 Speaker 1: lot of people, it's better relationships for some people, it's experiences. 495 00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:09,560 Speaker 1: For other people, it's you know, it's property, it's things, 496 00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:12,480 Speaker 1: it's assets, and having those assets gives them a sense 497 00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:15,040 Speaker 1: of pride. And so it's about whittling down to the 498 00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:18,440 Speaker 1: y you know, what's at the core of your purpose. 499 00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:20,720 Speaker 1: And it's difficult and it takes time, and that's something 500 00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:24,040 Speaker 1: that I've somehow become helpful at I don't know how 501 00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:28,800 Speaker 1: that happened, but perhaps following your own purposes, which good 502 00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:31,680 Speaker 1: got you there, right, Yeah, that's it. I distilled my 503 00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:36,439 Speaker 1: purpose and my values down to knowledge, creativity, and beauty, 504 00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:40,800 Speaker 1: and that's helped me a lot in understanding like the 505 00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:42,880 Speaker 1: things that I want to do, you know, the opportunities 506 00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:44,800 Speaker 1: that I want to take on as opposed to the 507 00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:48,840 Speaker 1: things that I don't take on. Mm hmm, I love it. So, 508 00:25:48,920 --> 00:25:51,000 Speaker 1: Dr Elie, I want to go a little deeper with 509 00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:53,920 Speaker 1: the tin pole of your four p s, right, because 510 00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:55,960 Speaker 1: this is a conversation. We've been having a lot in 511 00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:58,639 Speaker 1: the community, so it feels like people are doing a 512 00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:01,720 Speaker 1: lot in terms of kind of re evaluating their relationships 513 00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:04,280 Speaker 1: with people. And the one thing that has come up, 514 00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:05,800 Speaker 1: so there are two major things, and I want to 515 00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:08,080 Speaker 1: hear your thoughts on these. The first thing that has 516 00:26:08,119 --> 00:26:13,120 Speaker 1: come up a lot is people being very maybe disappointed 517 00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:17,280 Speaker 1: or disillusioned with how friends and family members have kind 518 00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:20,240 Speaker 1: of navigated the pandemic. So maybe they thought, you know, 519 00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:22,439 Speaker 1: friends would be calling to check in on them a 520 00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:24,800 Speaker 1: lot more than they are, or that they would be 521 00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:28,560 Speaker 1: having more zoom gatherings or whatever, and for whatever reason 522 00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:31,159 Speaker 1: that hasn't happened, and so now they are kind of 523 00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:33,440 Speaker 1: re evaluating, like, well, did I mean that much to 524 00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:36,120 Speaker 1: this person in the first place? So what are your 525 00:26:36,119 --> 00:26:41,280 Speaker 1: thoughts about that? Number One, For anyone and everyone who's 526 00:26:41,320 --> 00:26:43,240 Speaker 1: dealing with that, I want to give you a big 527 00:26:43,280 --> 00:26:47,480 Speaker 1: digital hug and like a kiss on the forehead and whatever, 528 00:26:47,480 --> 00:26:50,399 Speaker 1: because it is real. That is real. That is happening 529 00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:55,200 Speaker 1: a lot where you expected somebody to really step up 530 00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:58,879 Speaker 1: and you're struggling and there's just nobody there. It seems 531 00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:01,720 Speaker 1: like all the people that were there work gone. And 532 00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:04,280 Speaker 1: going back to what I said earlier, I think experiencing 533 00:27:04,280 --> 00:27:08,040 Speaker 1: a level of grief over that is totally natural and 534 00:27:08,080 --> 00:27:13,399 Speaker 1: what I would beg everyone to do is not too overcorrect. 535 00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:18,040 Speaker 1: So what people tend to do in those circumstances is 536 00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:21,000 Speaker 1: they'll be like, you know what at these people, I'm out, 537 00:27:21,359 --> 00:27:23,159 Speaker 1: you know their trash, I can't believe they did this 538 00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:25,119 Speaker 1: to me, Like I'm done. And because anger is a 539 00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:29,840 Speaker 1: natural outcropping of sadness, right, feeling rejected, feeling lonely, feeling 540 00:27:29,880 --> 00:27:32,720 Speaker 1: sad is a very vulnerable place to be and so 541 00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:35,159 Speaker 1: a lot of people do respond with anger. So if 542 00:27:35,200 --> 00:27:38,640 Speaker 1: you find yourself responding with anger, honor your anger. It's 543 00:27:38,680 --> 00:27:41,480 Speaker 1: it's reasonable when you feel you know wronged, or when 544 00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:43,320 Speaker 1: you feel like a boundary has been crossed, it's very 545 00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:47,320 Speaker 1: natural to express a more vulnerable emotion that's then becomes 546 00:27:47,320 --> 00:27:50,919 Speaker 1: a more aggressive emotion, more motivated emotion like anger. But 547 00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:54,840 Speaker 1: then be cautious about terminating those relationships before giving them 548 00:27:54,840 --> 00:28:00,360 Speaker 1: an opportunity. Two respond to you, because we are all 549 00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:04,040 Speaker 1: in this pandemic, every last one of us, and some 550 00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:07,400 Speaker 1: of us are more comfortable expressing our needs than others, 551 00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:11,119 Speaker 1: and some of our friends might be struggling, and we 552 00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:14,080 Speaker 1: may have no idea, and so in our struggle, we're like, 553 00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:15,480 Speaker 1: you know, I need to reach out. I need to 554 00:28:15,480 --> 00:28:17,919 Speaker 1: reach out, and then nobody's there. We don't truly know 555 00:28:17,960 --> 00:28:19,960 Speaker 1: what's happening. And so I would say the word to 556 00:28:20,080 --> 00:28:24,480 Speaker 1: use after you know, grief, would be grace. And extend 557 00:28:24,560 --> 00:28:27,359 Speaker 1: grace to your loved ones. Because I do this a lot. 558 00:28:27,680 --> 00:28:29,639 Speaker 1: You know, someone won't answer my phone call and I'm like, 559 00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:33,240 Speaker 1: I need them, where are they? You know? And and 560 00:28:33,280 --> 00:28:34,720 Speaker 1: I had to calm myself down every once in a 561 00:28:34,720 --> 00:28:37,000 Speaker 1: while and be like, this person has been so good 562 00:28:37,040 --> 00:28:38,400 Speaker 1: to me in the past, you know, and I'll list 563 00:28:38,400 --> 00:28:40,440 Speaker 1: all the wonderful things that they've done. Because if they're 564 00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:43,280 Speaker 1: still in your life and this is a healthy relationship, 565 00:28:43,560 --> 00:28:45,760 Speaker 1: grace is appropriate. And I will say that is a 566 00:28:45,800 --> 00:28:48,280 Speaker 1: big caveat. If this is a person that you have 567 00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:52,040 Speaker 1: a toxic relationship with, and this is a person has 568 00:28:52,320 --> 00:28:57,040 Speaker 1: exhibited a pattern of being disengaged with your emotions, of 569 00:28:57,120 --> 00:29:00,200 Speaker 1: being uninterested in supporting you in the past, this be 570 00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:04,120 Speaker 1: a good window to move on from the relationship. Okay, 571 00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:07,560 Speaker 1: But if this is a healthy relationship that has now changed, 572 00:29:08,760 --> 00:29:12,320 Speaker 1: utilize grace because we don't want to come out of 573 00:29:12,360 --> 00:29:16,080 Speaker 1: COVID with nobody because we've alienated everybody because everything was 574 00:29:16,120 --> 00:29:20,040 Speaker 1: so toxic. This is a very different, difficult time. Then 575 00:29:20,080 --> 00:29:24,880 Speaker 1: after grief and grace, I would say, formulate a very 576 00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:27,240 Speaker 1: specific conversation that you want to have with this person, 577 00:29:27,320 --> 00:29:30,360 Speaker 1: telling them how you feel and telling them what you need. 578 00:29:30,680 --> 00:29:33,160 Speaker 1: Early on in COVID, my mom got sick and she 579 00:29:33,200 --> 00:29:35,680 Speaker 1: had to be hospitalized for eleven days. She did not 580 00:29:35,720 --> 00:29:38,520 Speaker 1: get COVID, but she had a live threatening infection and 581 00:29:38,840 --> 00:29:42,160 Speaker 1: I was panicked. This was back in in May, or 582 00:29:42,160 --> 00:29:44,560 Speaker 1: in like late April, early May. I tend to be 583 00:29:44,600 --> 00:29:46,360 Speaker 1: the friend that's always there for people, and so I 584 00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:49,080 Speaker 1: don't think my friends really knew how much I was struggling, 585 00:29:49,360 --> 00:29:51,400 Speaker 1: and so I would text, but my text messages would 586 00:29:51,400 --> 00:29:54,160 Speaker 1: be kind of vague, and I wasn't very direct, and 587 00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:56,640 Speaker 1: so my friends really didn't know to support me. They 588 00:29:56,640 --> 00:29:58,840 Speaker 1: didn't really know how serious it was. And so I 589 00:29:58,880 --> 00:30:01,040 Speaker 1: had to have a serious conversation with a few of 590 00:30:01,040 --> 00:30:03,000 Speaker 1: my friends and we cried and yelled at each other, 591 00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:05,440 Speaker 1: and we both cried, and they told me where I 592 00:30:05,440 --> 00:30:06,720 Speaker 1: could have been a better friend, and I told them 593 00:30:06,720 --> 00:30:08,160 Speaker 1: where they could have been a better friend. And our 594 00:30:08,200 --> 00:30:10,760 Speaker 1: friendships are rock solid now. Sometimes you have to have 595 00:30:10,840 --> 00:30:13,840 Speaker 1: those very real talks. But I sat down and I 596 00:30:13,840 --> 00:30:16,560 Speaker 1: told myself, what do I want to say? You know, 597 00:30:16,600 --> 00:30:18,880 Speaker 1: how do I want my girlfriend to understand me better 598 00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:20,720 Speaker 1: at the end of this conversation. And so I was 599 00:30:20,880 --> 00:30:23,880 Speaker 1: very clear to not attack them and say you weren't 600 00:30:23,920 --> 00:30:26,479 Speaker 1: there for me, you're a horrible person. No, don't make 601 00:30:26,520 --> 00:30:30,560 Speaker 1: any judgments, don't attack focus on your experience. So you 602 00:30:30,600 --> 00:30:33,080 Speaker 1: have to dive deep into yourself to understand what did 603 00:30:33,080 --> 00:30:35,479 Speaker 1: I feel? You know, I told me I felt alone. 604 00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:37,840 Speaker 1: I felt like I was dealing with something that was 605 00:30:37,880 --> 00:30:39,520 Speaker 1: the heaviest thing I've dealt with in my life, and 606 00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:41,960 Speaker 1: I did it by myself, and I felt like you 607 00:30:42,000 --> 00:30:43,520 Speaker 1: would have been there for me, and I just didn't 608 00:30:43,520 --> 00:30:46,440 Speaker 1: feel like you were, you know, and and and then 609 00:30:46,440 --> 00:30:49,760 Speaker 1: the tears started flowing, and then their tears started flowing. 610 00:30:49,840 --> 00:30:52,360 Speaker 1: There was like apologies all over the place, you know, 611 00:30:52,480 --> 00:30:54,920 Speaker 1: and and and it was beautiful. And so I would 612 00:30:55,000 --> 00:31:00,040 Speaker 1: challenge people to focus enough on their own experience so 613 00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:01,600 Speaker 1: that they can communicate with other people. And the way 614 00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:04,240 Speaker 1: that the other person responds says a lot about the friendship. 615 00:31:04,320 --> 00:31:06,120 Speaker 1: That now is something that you can use to measure 616 00:31:06,160 --> 00:31:09,280 Speaker 1: your friendship. M thank you for laying that out. I 617 00:31:09,320 --> 00:31:12,320 Speaker 1: think that's beautiful, Dr Ellie. So the other thing, the 618 00:31:12,400 --> 00:31:14,960 Speaker 1: second issue that has come up quite a lot is 619 00:31:14,960 --> 00:31:19,080 Speaker 1: that we know that everybody has been navigating the pandemic differently, right, 620 00:31:19,120 --> 00:31:22,200 Speaker 1: and so it feels like lots of people are really 621 00:31:22,880 --> 00:31:28,080 Speaker 1: questioning do I really know you? Because people are maybe 622 00:31:28,240 --> 00:31:31,640 Speaker 1: engaging in risky your behavior, then maybe what you are 623 00:31:31,640 --> 00:31:35,560 Speaker 1: comfortable with, right, So maybe some people are continuing to, 624 00:31:36,160 --> 00:31:38,280 Speaker 1: you know, work out when you've made the decision to 625 00:31:38,320 --> 00:31:40,719 Speaker 1: like just work out at home or people are choosing 626 00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:42,920 Speaker 1: to go and dine in a restaurant when you've made 627 00:31:42,920 --> 00:31:45,960 Speaker 1: the decision to stay home, right, And so I think 628 00:31:46,240 --> 00:31:51,320 Speaker 1: there's a lot of confusion and some judgment about the 629 00:31:51,360 --> 00:31:54,400 Speaker 1: different choices that people are making that you're in relationship with, 630 00:31:54,480 --> 00:31:56,680 Speaker 1: and it feels like it's leading to some conflict or 631 00:31:56,680 --> 00:32:00,120 Speaker 1: some decisions about when the world opens up. Like, I 632 00:32:00,120 --> 00:32:01,800 Speaker 1: don't know that I even want to be in relationship 633 00:32:01,840 --> 00:32:04,600 Speaker 1: with you anymore because you made some decisions that I 634 00:32:04,640 --> 00:32:07,320 Speaker 1: don't think I would have made. Yeah, if I was 635 00:32:07,320 --> 00:32:10,960 Speaker 1: reading an article this morning about how the like anger 636 00:32:11,000 --> 00:32:14,200 Speaker 1: at quote unquote, like, I guess COVID deniers is growing 637 00:32:14,240 --> 00:32:18,160 Speaker 1: every day, and I think not everyone is a COVID denier. 638 00:32:18,320 --> 00:32:21,800 Speaker 1: Some people to deal with it differently. But I think, again, 639 00:32:22,600 --> 00:32:26,000 Speaker 1: you know, extending a level of of understanding that we 640 00:32:26,080 --> 00:32:29,760 Speaker 1: don't know what the heck is happening, right, and and 641 00:32:30,440 --> 00:32:32,400 Speaker 1: the way that we respond to COVID, the way I 642 00:32:32,440 --> 00:32:35,160 Speaker 1: look at it is this, it speaks more to our 643 00:32:35,240 --> 00:32:40,920 Speaker 1: fundamental approach to fear situations, and we all approach feared 644 00:32:40,920 --> 00:32:44,800 Speaker 1: situations differently. Like I can speak for myself, I tend 645 00:32:44,800 --> 00:32:47,080 Speaker 1: to be a little bit more of an avoider. Right. 646 00:32:47,440 --> 00:32:49,400 Speaker 1: If something is dangerous, I'm going to try to avoid 647 00:32:49,440 --> 00:32:53,360 Speaker 1: it absolutely all costs. If I can't avoid it, then 648 00:32:53,400 --> 00:32:55,480 Speaker 1: I'll fight. But if I don't have to fight, I'm 649 00:32:55,520 --> 00:32:58,520 Speaker 1: not going to. I'm absolutely not going to. And so 650 00:32:58,680 --> 00:33:01,480 Speaker 1: that's why my COVID respond tends to be one of avoidance. 651 00:33:01,520 --> 00:33:03,280 Speaker 1: If I can stay in the house, I'm going to. 652 00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:06,720 Speaker 1: If I can avoid hanging with people, I'm absolutely going to. 653 00:33:06,800 --> 00:33:08,880 Speaker 1: And luckily I'm privileged enough to have a job that 654 00:33:08,920 --> 00:33:11,440 Speaker 1: allows me to stay at home. That is not everybody's story, 655 00:33:11,440 --> 00:33:14,760 Speaker 1: that is not everybody's reality. But when you have this mismatch, 656 00:33:14,960 --> 00:33:18,120 Speaker 1: I would say, try to keep it in the pandemic. 657 00:33:18,560 --> 00:33:19,960 Speaker 1: So what I say is this, So the way I 658 00:33:20,000 --> 00:33:21,840 Speaker 1: deal with social media, for example, and the way I 659 00:33:21,920 --> 00:33:24,360 Speaker 1: encourage people to deal with social media, do not take 660 00:33:24,520 --> 00:33:27,200 Speaker 1: things on social media and bring them into your personal life. 661 00:33:27,280 --> 00:33:29,960 Speaker 1: If someone did not friend you or follow you, or 662 00:33:30,000 --> 00:33:32,840 Speaker 1: if they didn't like something, allow that to stay in 663 00:33:32,840 --> 00:33:35,760 Speaker 1: Instagram land. Don't bring that to dinner when you're actually 664 00:33:35,800 --> 00:33:38,880 Speaker 1: seeing this person face to face. Segment pieces of your 665 00:33:38,920 --> 00:33:42,160 Speaker 1: life and people's COVID behavior is going to be a typical. 666 00:33:42,840 --> 00:33:46,719 Speaker 1: We are all dealing with a very feared situation. And 667 00:33:46,720 --> 00:33:48,320 Speaker 1: one of the things people try to do when they're 668 00:33:48,320 --> 00:33:51,880 Speaker 1: worried and when they're scared is exert control. And so 669 00:33:51,920 --> 00:33:53,680 Speaker 1: we want to start controlling other people. We want to 670 00:33:53,720 --> 00:33:58,400 Speaker 1: control other people, do think and say, and ultimately I 671 00:33:58,400 --> 00:34:00,840 Speaker 1: can only control me and you can only control you. 672 00:34:01,120 --> 00:34:03,560 Speaker 1: It would be great if we could say, you know, 673 00:34:03,600 --> 00:34:06,120 Speaker 1: we're just gonna make COVID disappear by doing this one thing, 674 00:34:06,480 --> 00:34:08,520 Speaker 1: and then everyone would magically step in line and do it. 675 00:34:08,600 --> 00:34:11,160 Speaker 1: We can't do that, and so we have to at 676 00:34:11,200 --> 00:34:13,160 Speaker 1: some level understand that people are going to make the 677 00:34:13,200 --> 00:34:16,080 Speaker 1: choices that they're going to make. Here's the caveat. You 678 00:34:16,120 --> 00:34:18,160 Speaker 1: can choose to not be around them. And here's what 679 00:34:18,200 --> 00:34:20,240 Speaker 1: I'm gonna say, even if they live in your house. 680 00:34:20,719 --> 00:34:23,239 Speaker 1: It's so much more difficult when they live in your house. 681 00:34:23,280 --> 00:34:25,600 Speaker 1: Because we have multigenerational homes. There are some people in 682 00:34:25,640 --> 00:34:27,200 Speaker 1: the home that decide to go into what they want 683 00:34:27,200 --> 00:34:29,399 Speaker 1: to do, and you cannot necessarily avoid them because maybe 684 00:34:29,400 --> 00:34:31,400 Speaker 1: you share a room with them, maybe you share a 685 00:34:31,440 --> 00:34:35,080 Speaker 1: bathroom with them, whatever. So for example, you know, me 686 00:34:35,120 --> 00:34:37,279 Speaker 1: and my husband have different perspectives on the way that 687 00:34:37,320 --> 00:34:40,720 Speaker 1: we deal with COVID, not wildly different, but he still 688 00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:43,040 Speaker 1: you know, goes out to do things, and so we 689 00:34:43,120 --> 00:34:45,520 Speaker 1: just wear masks when we're in the same common spaces. 690 00:34:46,400 --> 00:34:48,040 Speaker 1: He has agreed to do that, I have agreed to 691 00:34:48,080 --> 00:34:51,879 Speaker 1: do that. Not everyone's going to do that, So make 692 00:34:51,960 --> 00:34:54,520 Speaker 1: ways to make it as comfortable as possible. We are 693 00:34:54,520 --> 00:34:58,080 Speaker 1: all going to be uncomfortable to a certain extent and 694 00:34:58,320 --> 00:35:00,720 Speaker 1: choose to be around people that are doing the pandemic 695 00:35:00,719 --> 00:35:03,399 Speaker 1: the way you are. I feel like, especially if you're 696 00:35:03,400 --> 00:35:06,400 Speaker 1: living alone and you still want to be social, you know, 697 00:35:06,520 --> 00:35:09,080 Speaker 1: find people that are functioning at the same level that 698 00:35:09,200 --> 00:35:11,600 Speaker 1: you are. If you stay at home unless you're going out, 699 00:35:11,640 --> 00:35:13,319 Speaker 1: and then you only to outdoor things and you only 700 00:35:13,360 --> 00:35:16,080 Speaker 1: took them six ft away with the mask, you align 701 00:35:16,080 --> 00:35:19,919 Speaker 1: with your people that are also doing that. Mm hmm. Yeah. 702 00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:22,520 Speaker 1: I do think that that is more difficult, like you mentioned, 703 00:35:22,560 --> 00:35:24,520 Speaker 1: like if it's in the same house, because that's definitely 704 00:35:24,520 --> 00:35:27,560 Speaker 1: been happening, right, Like some younger people are taking it 705 00:35:27,680 --> 00:35:29,600 Speaker 1: very seriously, and then maybe their parents are like, oh, 706 00:35:29,680 --> 00:35:31,839 Speaker 1: it's not a big deal, you know that kind of thing, right, 707 00:35:32,200 --> 00:35:35,399 Speaker 1: And so it is causing some difficulties, especially when it's 708 00:35:35,440 --> 00:35:37,279 Speaker 1: not your home, you know, like if you are still 709 00:35:37,280 --> 00:35:40,919 Speaker 1: living with your parents. It can definitely pull some challenges. Yeah, 710 00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:43,920 Speaker 1: For example, whenever I go to my mom's house, shoes 711 00:35:43,960 --> 00:35:46,719 Speaker 1: are off. You gotta spray yourself down. You gotta wash 712 00:35:46,719 --> 00:35:48,640 Speaker 1: yourself down at the door, you gotta keep a mask on, 713 00:35:48,760 --> 00:35:51,160 Speaker 1: you gotta spray everything you touch. My mom wipes everything 714 00:35:51,200 --> 00:35:53,640 Speaker 1: down with bleach after you finished touching it. And that's 715 00:35:53,640 --> 00:35:55,759 Speaker 1: just what you expect from when you go to mom's house. 716 00:35:56,360 --> 00:35:58,880 Speaker 1: For people who are a little bit more lax on COVID, 717 00:35:59,280 --> 00:36:01,399 Speaker 1: I think it's very important for you to respect those 718 00:36:01,400 --> 00:36:04,480 Speaker 1: that are more conservative. In chemistry, we call it the 719 00:36:04,560 --> 00:36:07,960 Speaker 1: rate limiting step. There's pieces of an equation that are catalytics. 720 00:36:08,120 --> 00:36:10,640 Speaker 1: So there are things that you can add to titration 721 00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:13,920 Speaker 1: or a mixture that will propel everything forward pretty quickly, 722 00:36:14,520 --> 00:36:16,560 Speaker 1: but it can only move as fast as the slowest 723 00:36:16,560 --> 00:36:21,080 Speaker 1: acting component the rate limiting step. And so what that 724 00:36:21,120 --> 00:36:23,719 Speaker 1: means to me in interactions is the person that's the 725 00:36:23,760 --> 00:36:28,360 Speaker 1: most conservative, the most cautious, will dictate the speed of something. 726 00:36:29,600 --> 00:36:31,440 Speaker 1: And that's frustrating for people who want to, you know, 727 00:36:31,520 --> 00:36:33,799 Speaker 1: move faster and want to go out and travel the 728 00:36:33,840 --> 00:36:36,360 Speaker 1: world right now and do what they can do but 729 00:36:36,480 --> 00:36:39,719 Speaker 1: respect the person that does want to move slower and 730 00:36:39,760 --> 00:36:41,640 Speaker 1: the person who's moving a little slower is a little 731 00:36:41,680 --> 00:36:44,440 Speaker 1: more conservative when it comes to it. You know, protect yourself, 732 00:36:44,440 --> 00:36:46,160 Speaker 1: but at the same time, respect that other people don't 733 00:36:46,200 --> 00:36:48,359 Speaker 1: see things the way that you do. But like you said, 734 00:36:48,400 --> 00:36:50,000 Speaker 1: it does get really difficult when you live in the 735 00:36:50,080 --> 00:36:51,919 Speaker 1: same house and you don't want someone to come home 736 00:36:52,239 --> 00:36:55,359 Speaker 1: with an illness that might get everybody or whatever. There's 737 00:36:55,400 --> 00:36:57,160 Speaker 1: a number of things that you can do to protect yourself. 738 00:36:57,200 --> 00:36:59,200 Speaker 1: There's a lot of stories of people who have had 739 00:36:59,200 --> 00:37:01,400 Speaker 1: one member of the family got COVID and not everybody 740 00:37:01,440 --> 00:37:04,359 Speaker 1: got it. That's not my area of expertise. I read 741 00:37:04,360 --> 00:37:06,520 Speaker 1: the same articles as everybody else, but that's what I've read. 742 00:37:06,800 --> 00:37:09,640 Speaker 1: M hmm. Yeah, It's just important to be as informed 743 00:37:10,000 --> 00:37:13,719 Speaker 1: and as prepared as possible. Like you said, yeah, so 744 00:37:13,760 --> 00:37:16,800 Speaker 1: we've talked about I'm using like a lightbox and trying 745 00:37:16,840 --> 00:37:19,239 Speaker 1: to get outside and get sunshine if you can still 746 00:37:19,280 --> 00:37:21,600 Speaker 1: safely do that. Are there other things that you would 747 00:37:21,640 --> 00:37:23,839 Speaker 1: suggest for people that kind of just you know, help 748 00:37:23,880 --> 00:37:26,719 Speaker 1: them to kind of keep their motivation and mental health 749 00:37:26,880 --> 00:37:29,759 Speaker 1: and as protected as possible. As we continue, you know, 750 00:37:29,840 --> 00:37:32,239 Speaker 1: in these next couple of months. Listen, I am not 751 00:37:32,280 --> 00:37:35,279 Speaker 1: a scheduled person. I am an air sign and I 752 00:37:35,320 --> 00:37:38,160 Speaker 1: float through the world like a butterfly. But schedules are 753 00:37:38,360 --> 00:37:41,280 Speaker 1: like the saving grace right now if you can create 754 00:37:41,640 --> 00:37:45,640 Speaker 1: something that keeps you tethered to real life. I've heard 755 00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:48,560 Speaker 1: people talk about not necessarily schedules, but kind of creating 756 00:37:49,000 --> 00:37:51,040 Speaker 1: a flow of how your day will go. So it's 757 00:37:51,080 --> 00:37:53,080 Speaker 1: not that like every day at eight am you brush 758 00:37:53,160 --> 00:37:55,960 Speaker 1: your teeth. It's like between you know, when you wake 759 00:37:56,080 --> 00:37:58,319 Speaker 1: up and before you have breakfast, brush your teeth. So 760 00:37:58,400 --> 00:38:01,759 Speaker 1: just give yourself like some flexibility, but create segments of 761 00:38:01,800 --> 00:38:04,520 Speaker 1: your day when when you will be doing something. I 762 00:38:04,560 --> 00:38:07,279 Speaker 1: have an idea of what you want to accomplish at 763 00:38:07,280 --> 00:38:09,480 Speaker 1: the end of the day. So I get together with 764 00:38:09,520 --> 00:38:12,000 Speaker 1: myself every evening and I kind of look over what 765 00:38:12,000 --> 00:38:14,440 Speaker 1: I'm gonna do the next day, and people figure out, like, 766 00:38:14,719 --> 00:38:16,759 Speaker 1: what is my intention for tomorrow? What is it that 767 00:38:16,800 --> 00:38:18,080 Speaker 1: I want to do? What is it that I want 768 00:38:18,080 --> 00:38:20,600 Speaker 1: to accomplish? And some days it's just rest and relaxation, 769 00:38:21,400 --> 00:38:23,160 Speaker 1: But just being able to check something off of a 770 00:38:23,200 --> 00:38:27,040 Speaker 1: box makes you feel sane, you know, it makes you 771 00:38:27,080 --> 00:38:30,680 Speaker 1: feel sane and really work in hygiene stuff. Don't let 772 00:38:30,680 --> 00:38:32,439 Speaker 1: that go by the wayside, because a lot of people 773 00:38:32,480 --> 00:38:35,520 Speaker 1: are like, well, I'm not going anywhere, So keep up 774 00:38:35,520 --> 00:38:38,000 Speaker 1: on the hygiene, keep up on a positive thought. So 775 00:38:38,200 --> 00:38:41,160 Speaker 1: focus on books that have really brought you piece. You 776 00:38:41,160 --> 00:38:43,000 Speaker 1: don't have to read something new because for some people, 777 00:38:43,080 --> 00:38:45,799 Speaker 1: concentration is kind of difficult right now, so this might 778 00:38:45,840 --> 00:38:48,400 Speaker 1: not be the time when you need to be ingesting 779 00:38:48,480 --> 00:38:53,800 Speaker 1: really heavy information. I recommend don't over hustle yourself. Everyone's 780 00:38:53,840 --> 00:38:55,040 Speaker 1: talking about what you've got to come out with a 781 00:38:55,080 --> 00:38:59,040 Speaker 1: business out of COVID. No, no, everyone does not. Do 782 00:38:59,080 --> 00:39:01,600 Speaker 1: not put pressure on yourself. If you naturally want to 783 00:39:01,640 --> 00:39:04,640 Speaker 1: create something, do it. But if you're trying to force 784 00:39:04,680 --> 00:39:06,919 Speaker 1: yourself and you find that it's actually making you feel worse, 785 00:39:06,960 --> 00:39:08,960 Speaker 1: don't do it. This is the time to be making 786 00:39:08,960 --> 00:39:13,759 Speaker 1: yourself feel better. Watch silly cartoons, dance around your living room, 787 00:39:13,920 --> 00:39:17,440 Speaker 1: Listen to Beyonce music, Listen to whatever makes you happy. 788 00:39:17,760 --> 00:39:22,160 Speaker 1: Try to fully experience good moments as much as you can, 789 00:39:22,920 --> 00:39:25,920 Speaker 1: live in them completely, because they might be fleeting and 790 00:39:25,960 --> 00:39:28,520 Speaker 1: they will not last forever, so try to feel them 791 00:39:28,520 --> 00:39:30,880 Speaker 1: as much as possible. I love it. Thank you so 792 00:39:31,000 --> 00:39:33,360 Speaker 1: much for that. Dr Ellie, so when we can, we 793 00:39:33,480 --> 00:39:36,160 Speaker 1: like to include what we call a press pause moment 794 00:39:36,520 --> 00:39:39,720 Speaker 1: in the podcast. And this might be a journal prompt 795 00:39:39,760 --> 00:39:42,719 Speaker 1: that you have for the community, or an activity that 796 00:39:42,840 --> 00:39:47,799 Speaker 1: you found particularly helpful for people to maybe manage depressive symptoms, 797 00:39:47,920 --> 00:39:49,759 Speaker 1: or you know, to try to get their energy up. 798 00:39:50,080 --> 00:39:52,200 Speaker 1: If there was something that you could offer the community, 799 00:39:52,280 --> 00:39:55,719 Speaker 1: what would you share. That's a good question. One of 800 00:39:55,760 --> 00:39:58,880 Speaker 1: the things that I've found people are dealing with is 801 00:39:58,920 --> 00:40:01,480 Speaker 1: a general lack of calm evidence. Right now, people are 802 00:40:01,480 --> 00:40:06,200 Speaker 1: feeling so down that it's called the motion focused memory. 803 00:40:06,760 --> 00:40:09,840 Speaker 1: When we're in a bad state, like a sad state 804 00:40:10,040 --> 00:40:12,760 Speaker 1: or a hopeless state, we tend to remember our past 805 00:40:13,239 --> 00:40:15,600 Speaker 1: in a hopeless way. We tend to feel like I've 806 00:40:15,600 --> 00:40:18,880 Speaker 1: never done anything good, nothing's ever great. So one assignment 807 00:40:18,880 --> 00:40:21,480 Speaker 1: I've been giving to a lot of people is to 808 00:40:21,520 --> 00:40:24,960 Speaker 1: be as detailed as possible in a journal and write 809 00:40:25,040 --> 00:40:27,880 Speaker 1: all the wonderful things they've accomplished over the course of 810 00:40:27,880 --> 00:40:31,399 Speaker 1: their life. I mean, this is like Valedictorian, I want 811 00:40:31,400 --> 00:40:33,560 Speaker 1: you going back to kindergarten when you got all like 812 00:40:33,680 --> 00:40:37,759 Speaker 1: the you know, like took a good nacklist, like all 813 00:40:37,800 --> 00:40:40,000 Speaker 1: of it, and really spend a good amount of time 814 00:40:40,040 --> 00:40:44,040 Speaker 1: focusing on all the wonderful successful things that you've done. 815 00:40:44,600 --> 00:40:47,120 Speaker 1: Highlight as much as you can. And I'm not talking 816 00:40:47,120 --> 00:40:49,239 Speaker 1: about like resume nonsense, like don't you don't have to 817 00:40:49,320 --> 00:40:51,960 Speaker 1: even amp it up, just state what it is and 818 00:40:52,040 --> 00:40:54,120 Speaker 1: keep that list with you so when you start to 819 00:40:54,120 --> 00:40:55,839 Speaker 1: feel down, you start to feel like I'm not being 820 00:40:55,840 --> 00:40:59,160 Speaker 1: successful home on pause, then you can focus on it, like, 821 00:40:59,200 --> 00:41:02,439 Speaker 1: you know what, I'm really good at these things. I'm 822 00:41:02,520 --> 00:41:06,120 Speaker 1: super talented and I need to give myself credit. I 823 00:41:06,200 --> 00:41:08,000 Speaker 1: love that, Dr Ellie, because I think that that can 824 00:41:08,040 --> 00:41:11,200 Speaker 1: be a really good reality check for people, right to 825 00:41:11,320 --> 00:41:13,840 Speaker 1: let you know, like this year may look very different, 826 00:41:14,120 --> 00:41:16,880 Speaker 1: but look at your track record, right, and so it 827 00:41:16,960 --> 00:41:21,200 Speaker 1: really helps you to kind of keep things in perspective. Absolutely, yeah, 828 00:41:21,680 --> 00:41:23,960 Speaker 1: So tell us more about where we can find you, 829 00:41:24,040 --> 00:41:25,440 Speaker 1: Dr Allie. So I want to hear a little bit 830 00:41:25,480 --> 00:41:28,400 Speaker 1: more about the DO collective and then your website as 831 00:41:28,440 --> 00:41:30,800 Speaker 1: well as any social media handles you'd like to share 832 00:41:30,800 --> 00:41:34,280 Speaker 1: with us. Absolutely, So you can find me at Allison 833 00:41:34,360 --> 00:41:37,200 Speaker 1: Hicks everywhere. But here's the kicker. My name is spelled 834 00:41:37,200 --> 00:41:42,560 Speaker 1: absolutely wild, so it's a L L Y C I 835 00:41:42,840 --> 00:41:44,840 Speaker 1: N and then just normal Hicks h I c K. 836 00:41:45,080 --> 00:41:48,480 Speaker 1: So that's Allison Hicks on Instagram, that's Allison Hicks on Twitter, 837 00:41:48,719 --> 00:41:52,120 Speaker 1: that's Allison Hicks dot com all of that. So you 838 00:41:52,120 --> 00:41:54,640 Speaker 1: can find me there a l L Y see, I 839 00:41:54,880 --> 00:41:57,880 Speaker 1: n think like ally and like sin but to see 840 00:41:58,480 --> 00:42:01,520 Speaker 1: so complicated. So hit me up there and you can find, like, 841 00:42:01,520 --> 00:42:03,560 Speaker 1: you know, all my goodies blogs that I've posted all 842 00:42:03,640 --> 00:42:06,920 Speaker 1: this stuff. And then the DO Collective is also on 843 00:42:06,960 --> 00:42:10,960 Speaker 1: my website, Alison Ticks dot com. There's a little section 844 00:42:11,040 --> 00:42:13,680 Speaker 1: called DO Collective and that's called do u X so 845 00:42:13,719 --> 00:42:15,920 Speaker 1: you'll see it's all on my website. But it's the 846 00:42:16,000 --> 00:42:18,480 Speaker 1: French word for sweet. I thought that was really nice. 847 00:42:18,480 --> 00:42:20,920 Speaker 1: I get, you know, it's a sweet way of coaching 848 00:42:20,920 --> 00:42:24,560 Speaker 1: people and connecting with people. And so you can find 849 00:42:24,600 --> 00:42:26,640 Speaker 1: a do Collective there. I have links to it on 850 00:42:26,640 --> 00:42:30,520 Speaker 1: my Instagram all over the place, and starting on November eleventh, 851 00:42:30,560 --> 00:42:32,879 Speaker 1: going for eleven days, it will be eleven dollars a month, 852 00:42:32,920 --> 00:42:37,239 Speaker 1: and eleven days literally ended like Yesterdday. I know they 853 00:42:37,280 --> 00:42:38,880 Speaker 1: just missed it. Maybe I'll have to open it back up. 854 00:42:39,000 --> 00:42:40,640 Speaker 1: I feel like you might have to open this back 855 00:42:40,719 --> 00:42:43,120 Speaker 1: up and give our community a special rate. I will 856 00:42:43,120 --> 00:42:45,440 Speaker 1: absolutely do that. I will absolutely do that. Anybody that 857 00:42:45,600 --> 00:42:47,320 Speaker 1: you know comes and signed up to the DO Collective 858 00:42:47,440 --> 00:42:51,000 Speaker 1: through this podcast, I will absolutely honor eleven dollars a month, 859 00:42:51,040 --> 00:42:52,960 Speaker 1: and that's like forever, because I just want to give 860 00:42:53,000 --> 00:42:55,520 Speaker 1: people something to make them better. Because, like we talked about, 861 00:42:55,560 --> 00:42:57,239 Speaker 1: I'm not all about money all the time. It's just 862 00:42:57,280 --> 00:43:02,279 Speaker 1: really about how can I substantively help transform people's lives. 863 00:43:02,320 --> 00:43:05,120 Speaker 1: So that's the goal to DO Collective is to help 864 00:43:05,160 --> 00:43:08,920 Speaker 1: people make transition and transformation by turning inward. And the 865 00:43:08,960 --> 00:43:11,480 Speaker 1: first thing we're doing is we're really diving into purpose 866 00:43:12,320 --> 00:43:14,560 Speaker 1: and we're diving into things that people love. And so 867 00:43:14,600 --> 00:43:17,600 Speaker 1: that's going to be what starts in December. Perfect. But 868 00:43:17,760 --> 00:43:19,600 Speaker 1: we will include the links for all of that, of 869 00:43:19,640 --> 00:43:21,359 Speaker 1: course in the show notes, so that people can find 870 00:43:21,400 --> 00:43:24,640 Speaker 1: it very easy. Well, thank you so much for sharing 871 00:43:24,680 --> 00:43:26,520 Speaker 1: all of your wisdom with us today, Dr Elie. I 872 00:43:26,600 --> 00:43:28,719 Speaker 1: really appreciate it. Thank you for having me, and you 873 00:43:28,760 --> 00:43:36,919 Speaker 1: know I love you. Likewise, likewise, I'm so glad Dr 874 00:43:36,960 --> 00:43:39,880 Speaker 1: Elie was able to join us for today's conversation. To 875 00:43:40,000 --> 00:43:42,480 Speaker 1: learn more about her work and the great stuff she's 876 00:43:42,520 --> 00:43:45,160 Speaker 1: doing through the DO Collective, be sure to visit the 877 00:43:45,160 --> 00:43:47,760 Speaker 1: show notes at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash 878 00:43:47,760 --> 00:43:51,520 Speaker 1: Session one three, and please text to other sisters who 879 00:43:51,560 --> 00:43:55,720 Speaker 1: might enjoy this conversation right now. If there's a topic 880 00:43:55,760 --> 00:43:58,520 Speaker 1: you'd like to have covered on the podcast, please admit 881 00:43:58,560 --> 00:44:00,640 Speaker 1: it to us at Therapy for Black else dot com 882 00:44:00,680 --> 00:44:03,799 Speaker 1: slash mailbox. And if you're looking for a therapist in 883 00:44:03,840 --> 00:44:07,000 Speaker 1: your area, be sure to check out the therapist directory 884 00:44:07,040 --> 00:44:11,080 Speaker 1: at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory. If 885 00:44:11,080 --> 00:44:13,719 Speaker 1: you're looking for some other sisters to connect with and 886 00:44:13,800 --> 00:44:16,560 Speaker 1: you're interested in digging into the topics from the podcast 887 00:44:16,600 --> 00:44:19,319 Speaker 1: and just about everything else, come on over and join 888 00:44:19,400 --> 00:44:22,400 Speaker 1: us in the Yellow Couch Collective. You can join at 889 00:44:22,440 --> 00:44:25,160 Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash y c C. 890 00:44:26,600 --> 00:44:28,879 Speaker 1: Thank y'all so much for joining me again this week. 891 00:44:29,280 --> 00:44:32,000 Speaker 1: I look forward to continuing this conversation with you all 892 00:44:32,120 --> 00:44:34,160 Speaker 1: real soon. Take good care,