1 00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:07,800 Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. I welcome to Steph. 2 00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:19,720 Speaker 1: I'm never told your protection of I Heart Radio for 3 00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:24,880 Speaker 1: today's question, what I want to know? Oh yeah, oh yeah. 4 00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:28,960 Speaker 1: What is something a sex smith or belief that you 5 00:00:29,120 --> 00:00:36,120 Speaker 1: held that you later learned you were way way off? Okay, 6 00:00:36,159 --> 00:00:39,200 Speaker 1: I'm trying to think if you want, I can go first, 7 00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:41,040 Speaker 1: because I got a good one. Yeah, you go first. 8 00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:46,159 Speaker 1: So I believed, and this isn't really sex, but it's 9 00:00:46,159 --> 00:00:51,320 Speaker 1: a misunderstanding of your female body. I believed that you 10 00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:55,279 Speaker 1: had your baby came out the belly button, and that 11 00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:59,680 Speaker 1: administration was a myth, and if in fact it was real, 12 00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:04,600 Speaker 1: I thought it happened in your ears. And the only 13 00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:07,040 Speaker 1: reason I learned this wasn't true was because I kind 14 00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:10,759 Speaker 1: of was like joking about, well, you know it comes 15 00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:16,200 Speaker 1: out your ears and your and my mom's like, um, 16 00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:18,520 Speaker 1: well yeah, then yes, of course we all give birth 17 00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:23,760 Speaker 1: out our horb our ears. And I was like, oh no, wait, 18 00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:27,240 Speaker 1: why did you think it was your ears? I because 19 00:01:27,640 --> 00:01:31,360 Speaker 1: I thought, I literally have friends who are mad about this. 20 00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:35,080 Speaker 1: But I thought, because my brother never went to administraution, 21 00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:38,760 Speaker 1: that it was a myth. But he did have like 22 00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:41,840 Speaker 1: his ears would bleed and my ears would bleed, um, 23 00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:46,920 Speaker 1: and so I thought, maybe that's what people were talking about. Wow. 24 00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:51,200 Speaker 1: Yeah yeah. And then when I actually did have my 25 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:53,760 Speaker 1: first period, I thought, you only got it once. And 26 00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:57,360 Speaker 1: when happened again, that's when I was devastated. When I learned, oh, 27 00:01:57,560 --> 00:02:02,040 Speaker 1: this is okay, this is forever until you still draw 28 00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:08,520 Speaker 1: essentially okay, Wow, that's I have never that's the first 29 00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:11,240 Speaker 1: for me as a miss or a misunderstanding of that 30 00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:14,359 Speaker 1: as the first I've ever heard that as an explanation. 31 00:02:14,440 --> 00:02:16,079 Speaker 1: Not the belly button part, because you know, I think 32 00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:18,840 Speaker 1: we all kind of believe that because I did too 33 00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:23,040 Speaker 1: follows younger obviously they came out of the belly button um, 34 00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:28,200 Speaker 1: but the ear wow. Yeah. I honestly can't remember, because 35 00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:29,959 Speaker 1: I was a kid that would learn things and then 36 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:34,000 Speaker 1: tell people like I was the bad kid. Uh, and 37 00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:36,560 Speaker 1: that was my rebellion because I was very I was 38 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:41,919 Speaker 1: sexualized really young. So I can't remember not knowing at 39 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:46,800 Speaker 1: least the basics kind of of sex. Except for the 40 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:52,240 Speaker 1: fact that I don't know, I can't remember. Ah man, 41 00:02:52,639 --> 00:02:56,720 Speaker 1: I can think of so many I had, um, but 42 00:02:57,240 --> 00:03:00,519 Speaker 1: one we're going to talk about in this is I thought, uh, 43 00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:04,000 Speaker 1: sex was just supposed to hurt for women. I think 44 00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:06,160 Speaker 1: that's what I believed as well, that that sex would 45 00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:09,480 Speaker 1: always hurt for women and it didn't matter um as 46 00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:13,200 Speaker 1: well as, of course, the beliefs that women can't say no, 47 00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:18,800 Speaker 1: as well as that they are obligated have sex. Yeah, 48 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:21,639 Speaker 1: so I know the negative things. So at the gal 49 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:24,800 Speaker 1: at the gate, nasty gross a lot not nasty grows, 50 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:28,840 Speaker 1: but really sad nasty misconceptions of sex, but not necessarily 51 00:03:28,919 --> 00:03:31,920 Speaker 1: myths of sex. So I did believe that those things 52 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:35,880 Speaker 1: made sense in my reality. But yeah, the ear and 53 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:39,720 Speaker 1: the period, that's a new one for me. I told 54 00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:43,360 Speaker 1: all my friends that they thought it too. They did too, 55 00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:49,000 Speaker 1: that misinformation. I gave bad information. And let me tell 56 00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:51,840 Speaker 1: you how many angry phone calls I got when my 57 00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:56,200 Speaker 1: friends got their first period. Oh my god. I had 58 00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:59,560 Speaker 1: to apologize many, many, many times you lied to me. 59 00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:04,280 Speaker 1: I didn't know. I guess some of those things I 60 00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:06,840 Speaker 1: didn't think about, Like with periods, I didn't even think 61 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:09,720 Speaker 1: about it. And then like coming because I didn't know 62 00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:12,520 Speaker 1: about periods at all. And then as you learn about 63 00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:16,080 Speaker 1: sucks and I'm like, oh, this is gonna suck. Yeah, 64 00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:23,000 Speaker 1: I in my class group. I matured faster, so people 65 00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:25,600 Speaker 1: would always ask me questions about those kinds of things, 66 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:28,760 Speaker 1: like my friends would, so they I think I learned 67 00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:33,240 Speaker 1: about it from them, But then I had no clearly 68 00:04:33,279 --> 00:04:38,000 Speaker 1: no information, no useful information to share. But I too thought, 69 00:04:38,160 --> 00:04:40,360 Speaker 1: you know, I matured early, early, so I thought I 70 00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:42,400 Speaker 1: would know, And I hadn't had my period yet, so 71 00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:44,320 Speaker 1: there must not be real. My brother never had one, 72 00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:46,599 Speaker 1: so it's all a big lie. One of the big 73 00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:49,440 Speaker 1: lies about female bodies that I learned as a kid 74 00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:52,600 Speaker 1: because it was like such a big deal. And of 75 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:57,920 Speaker 1: course this is again the whole pitting women as objects 76 00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,839 Speaker 1: and procreation machines. Was that minute you have your period, 77 00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:02,560 Speaker 1: as a minute you become a woman, and it should 78 00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:05,680 Speaker 1: be celebrated or it should be shamed, one of those 79 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:08,360 Speaker 1: two things, nothing in between. And so when I didn't 80 00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:10,919 Speaker 1: get that, well, I kind of got shamed in the 81 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:12,280 Speaker 1: sense of like you don't need to make a big 82 00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:14,880 Speaker 1: deal of it type of thing, but not like, oh, 83 00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:17,680 Speaker 1: this is awful, you did something wrong. But yeah, that 84 00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:19,680 Speaker 1: was a misconception I had that it was that big 85 00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:23,839 Speaker 1: of a deal. And I specifically remember a Cosby episode 86 00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:27,640 Speaker 1: in which one of the girls get their period and 87 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:30,279 Speaker 1: they start talking about having hips and being sexy now, 88 00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:32,839 Speaker 1: and the mom getting so upset because she wanted to 89 00:05:32,839 --> 00:05:36,880 Speaker 1: celebrate with her and becoming a woman and make this 90 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:39,280 Speaker 1: whole day of being feminine and a woman. And I'm 91 00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:42,080 Speaker 1: like what and thinking that's the way it should be. 92 00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:44,560 Speaker 1: And then the whole misconception of this makes you a 93 00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:47,400 Speaker 1: woman is so untrue, which is dated way back in 94 00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:49,600 Speaker 1: the idea that the minute you have your period is 95 00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:51,800 Speaker 1: the minute you start trying for children, because that's what 96 00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:54,479 Speaker 1: you're good for. As we know this, women were sold 97 00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:56,400 Speaker 1: off at that point of being a woman because they 98 00:05:56,400 --> 00:06:02,480 Speaker 1: bled quote unquote but yeah, huh years huh yes, So 99 00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:06,480 Speaker 1: clearly I could have used better information as a child, 100 00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:09,839 Speaker 1: and I could have used the book we're talking about today. 101 00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:13,120 Speaker 1: Brief trigger warning before we get into this. There's just 102 00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:16,679 Speaker 1: mentions of a sexual assault and trauma. Nothing too big, 103 00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:19,720 Speaker 1: but just put that out there. Um. Today we are 104 00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:24,920 Speaker 1: talking about Emily Nagaski's Come as You Are, the surprising 105 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:27,599 Speaker 1: new science that will transform your sex life, which a 106 00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:30,440 Speaker 1: couple of you have written in about and suggested so 107 00:06:30,920 --> 00:06:33,520 Speaker 1: we always take in the book club recommendations are pretty 108 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:37,080 Speaker 1: much any recommendation, so keep those coming, thank you. Yeah. 109 00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:40,120 Speaker 1: Nagaski is a sex educator who is passionate and if 110 00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:42,440 Speaker 1: you read her book as well as listen to any 111 00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:46,000 Speaker 1: of the audio that she does, she's definitely passionate about 112 00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:49,560 Speaker 1: sharing her knowledge and using science and evidence to improve 113 00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:53,320 Speaker 1: our understanding of women's sexual well being, Thank you very much. 114 00:06:53,760 --> 00:06:55,920 Speaker 1: And in her exchanges with women and students, one of 115 00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:58,000 Speaker 1: the number one things that she hears from women who 116 00:06:58,040 --> 00:07:01,400 Speaker 1: have taken her classes some version of quote I learned 117 00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:04,479 Speaker 1: I am normal, which is super nice to hear because 118 00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:07,680 Speaker 1: you want to know that you're not strange and off balance, 119 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:11,080 Speaker 1: and that all of us vary and that's normal too, 120 00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:13,800 Speaker 1: and all the same parts organizing different ways is the 121 00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:18,160 Speaker 1: mantra throughout this book. Yes uh. And the book uses 122 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:22,040 Speaker 1: science and the diverse stories of real women to unpack 123 00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:25,640 Speaker 1: so much of the cultural shame and discuss women have 124 00:07:25,760 --> 00:07:28,720 Speaker 1: been taught around our bodies and around sex and how 125 00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:33,360 Speaker 1: we can unlearn those toxic messages and practice self compassion. 126 00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:37,240 Speaker 1: Like with worksheets, there's activities which both Samantha and I 127 00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:40,280 Speaker 1: are Berrian. Did you do those? I was gonna ask 128 00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:42,160 Speaker 1: that earlier, Yeah, I did too. And I was sitting 129 00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:44,240 Speaker 1: there and doing those with the I didn't write everything 130 00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:46,840 Speaker 1: out because it was, oh my, okay, this is too much. 131 00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:49,640 Speaker 1: I'm not ready for all of this. But it's a 132 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:52,400 Speaker 1: great workbook because she does have a workbook with it too, 133 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:57,080 Speaker 1: But like, it's a great exercise for couples who are 134 00:07:57,120 --> 00:08:00,880 Speaker 1: trying to go through their own miscommunky shows and understanding 135 00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:02,400 Speaker 1: of each other. So it is nice. But yeah, it 136 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:07,600 Speaker 1: was very enlightening. Oh it was yeah, absolutely Uh And 137 00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:11,520 Speaker 1: according to Reddit users in our slash sex, this book 138 00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:14,800 Speaker 1: transformed a lot of their sex lives. Um, there's a 139 00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:18,560 Speaker 1: whole conversation on there about it. Uh, and it's very encouraging. 140 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:22,280 Speaker 1: I'm very happy for a lot of them, right. Um. 141 00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:24,760 Speaker 1: And I want to say, as someone I've been pretty open, 142 00:08:24,840 --> 00:08:28,560 Speaker 1: I don't particularly want sex. I've never had sex. I enjoyed. 143 00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:31,800 Speaker 1: I still found this very very interesting and enlightening. I 144 00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:35,440 Speaker 1: learned a lot a lot. Uh. In fact, I'm kind 145 00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:38,920 Speaker 1: of like almost everything she touches on this in this book, 146 00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:40,120 Speaker 1: I was like, oh, that could be a whole episode. 147 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:43,120 Speaker 1: That could be a whole episode. Yeah, So we really 148 00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:46,000 Speaker 1: had to condense it for this book club, but I'm 149 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:48,960 Speaker 1: sure we'll return to some of the topics she touches 150 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:52,480 Speaker 1: on future episodes. UM. And it definitely helped me make 151 00:08:52,559 --> 00:08:55,800 Speaker 1: sense of things I've experienced with sexual assault, UM and 152 00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:58,240 Speaker 1: also what turns me on, which I get so many 153 00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:02,600 Speaker 1: questions about this because my friends just sort of don't understand, 154 00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:05,720 Speaker 1: and that's totally fine, but it was this helped me 155 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:11,040 Speaker 1: understand myself even more. Yeah, yeah, because I have experienced 156 00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:13,880 Speaker 1: a lot of confusion around around that and around what 157 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:19,280 Speaker 1: I thought was a very abnormal thing to be turned 158 00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:23,200 Speaker 1: on by essentially not really. Yeah, she does a great 159 00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:25,160 Speaker 1: job and she I love her one line when she 160 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:28,360 Speaker 1: talks about her friend, when she says, I just don't 161 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:31,880 Speaker 1: want sex and that's okay. Of course I think that 162 00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:34,640 Speaker 1: unfolded to her and her partner, but it was like, yeah, 163 00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:37,080 Speaker 1: that's exactly what should be said. If you don't want 164 00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:39,600 Speaker 1: sex was not abnormal. You don't have to have sex, 165 00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:42,520 Speaker 1: and that's okay too. I did. Look, I know we're 166 00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:44,840 Speaker 1: gonna talk more about it, but that was that made 167 00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:47,760 Speaker 1: me think of you, because I know we've talked to 168 00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:51,440 Speaker 1: many of times about feeling you feeling like it's wrong 169 00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:53,360 Speaker 1: that you didn't want to have sex, and felt guilty 170 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:57,040 Speaker 1: about that, So I did love that line, but uh, 171 00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:59,199 Speaker 1: it was tw when she wrote this, and I think 172 00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:01,720 Speaker 1: we've kind of come little ways, not a long ways. 173 00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:05,040 Speaker 1: But she does have a caveat, which is quote for 174 00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:07,240 Speaker 1: most of the time. When I say women in this book, 175 00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:09,560 Speaker 1: I mean people who are born in female bodies, were 176 00:10:09,679 --> 00:10:12,000 Speaker 1: raised as girls, and now have the social role in 177 00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:15,440 Speaker 1: psychological identity of women. And there are plenty of women 178 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,920 Speaker 1: who don't fit one or more of those categories. But 179 00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:21,240 Speaker 1: there's two little research on trans and gender queer sexual 180 00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:23,280 Speaker 1: functioning for me to say with certainty whether it what's 181 00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:26,120 Speaker 1: true about since gender women's sexual well being is also 182 00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:30,679 Speaker 1: true for trans folks. Yes, and there's actually some been 183 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:34,400 Speaker 1: some conversation around that recently, right, And she tells a 184 00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:39,280 Speaker 1: little bit into it about gender queer sexuality. But yeah, 185 00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:42,480 Speaker 1: we have seen an opening of new studies as of 186 00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:48,040 Speaker 1: recent But I hate that caveat. Yeah, yeah, that's unfortunate, right, 187 00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:52,959 Speaker 1: but it's true sometimes what you don't have you don't know. Um. Also, Okay, 188 00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:56,360 Speaker 1: there are plenty of metaphors and puns throughout, so be 189 00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:59,760 Speaker 1: prepared and excited. Just the usage of the term the 190 00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:03,360 Speaker 1: guard and it's not what you think she was. But 191 00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:05,280 Speaker 1: when I initially harder say the Garden, I was like, 192 00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:12,040 Speaker 1: oh no, oh yeah, what's there's some movie reference you 193 00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:17,520 Speaker 1: throw in there? And I was like whoa. Yeah. I 194 00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:23,040 Speaker 1: was like, okay, okay, we're going completely from a different basis. Okay, 195 00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:26,839 Speaker 1: I liked it. I liked it. So the book is 196 00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:30,679 Speaker 1: divided into four parts. One the not so basic basics 197 00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:33,679 Speaker 1: to sex and Context, Three, Sex and Action, and for 198 00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:38,000 Speaker 1: Ecstasy for Everybody. Each of these parts are then further 199 00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:42,079 Speaker 1: broken down into topics and yes, it is complete with 200 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:45,920 Speaker 1: worksheets and activities. And I will say, um, it's not 201 00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:48,240 Speaker 1: a difficult read at all, but it's very dense, like 202 00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:51,280 Speaker 1: you're learning a lot in a short Like every sentence 203 00:11:51,320 --> 00:11:53,559 Speaker 1: you're like, wait, let me sit with this person, right, 204 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:56,080 Speaker 1: And that definitely comes in with like, while we tell 205 00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:59,440 Speaker 1: you there's puns and force, there's also a lot of 206 00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:02,960 Speaker 1: science behind it and a lot of evidence based. So 207 00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:04,680 Speaker 1: therefore you're gonna get too technical terms and you have 208 00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:07,640 Speaker 1: to kind of re assess the words over and over 209 00:12:07,679 --> 00:12:11,160 Speaker 1: again because you don't technically apply these things in sexuality 210 00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:13,640 Speaker 1: most of the t So, yeah, you definitely have a 211 00:12:13,679 --> 00:12:15,960 Speaker 1: moment like let me go back. What did she just say, 212 00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:18,600 Speaker 1: let me look at this. Okay, cool, cool, cool, Yeah, 213 00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:21,199 Speaker 1: And she does a great job of explaining it. It's 214 00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:25,439 Speaker 1: just dance, not not difficult, but dan in a good way. 215 00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:29,079 Speaker 1: Surprisingly human sexuality, there's a lot to be said and 216 00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:32,560 Speaker 1: a lot of science there. Um. One of the first 217 00:12:32,559 --> 00:12:35,080 Speaker 1: things that book tackles is the man is default miss, 218 00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:37,400 Speaker 1: something we've talked about so much on this show, and 219 00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:40,959 Speaker 1: how damaging that is and has been in making women 220 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:44,360 Speaker 1: believe something is wrong with them if their experience doesn't 221 00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:48,560 Speaker 1: match men's, and particularly in male partners. Nagaski calls this 222 00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:52,640 Speaker 1: men's sexuality light like this belief that we've treated women's 223 00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:57,520 Speaker 1: sexuality as exactly the same as men's sexuality but lesser. Right, 224 00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:00,920 Speaker 1: whether it's lesser as in doesn't mean as much, and 225 00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:04,440 Speaker 1: or there's something wrong with those women because they can't match, Yes, 226 00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:07,439 Speaker 1: and with the science for a long time hasn't been 227 00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:11,160 Speaker 1: there because we've just assumed, you know, science has just 228 00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:15,680 Speaker 1: assumed women are the same. So as a part of this, 229 00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:20,800 Speaker 1: women surprise, have been told a lot of lies, she writes, 230 00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:23,600 Speaker 1: just relaxed. They've been told have a glass of wine, 231 00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:26,360 Speaker 1: or women just don't want sex that much, get over it? 232 00:13:26,679 --> 00:13:30,520 Speaker 1: Or sometimes sex hers. Can't you just ignore it? I've 233 00:13:30,559 --> 00:13:35,320 Speaker 1: heard every single lot of this, every single one. Uh. 234 00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:37,800 Speaker 1: And this idea that women should feel shame around their 235 00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:42,840 Speaker 1: sexuality is an old idea. According to her quote, medieval 236 00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:47,920 Speaker 1: anatomist called women's external genitals the pudendum, a word derived 237 00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:51,600 Speaker 1: from the Latin hoodera, meaning to make ashamed. And I'm 238 00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:54,560 Speaker 1: sure I butchered that pronunciation. I did not take Latin. 239 00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:57,760 Speaker 1: I didn't take Latin either. You're better with languages than 240 00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:01,520 Speaker 1: I am. Uh. And since has been this long history 241 00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:04,720 Speaker 1: of misinformation of just the bare minimum of science and 242 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:07,560 Speaker 1: understanding around the female body. The book starts with the 243 00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:11,960 Speaker 1: not so basic basics, so examination into female body parts, 244 00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:14,200 Speaker 1: how they work, and how all of that interacts with 245 00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:16,160 Speaker 1: the brain. And one of the key parts of this 246 00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:20,560 Speaker 1: section is the clitterest dot dot dot, So, she writes, 247 00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:24,280 Speaker 1: the clitterest is, Oh, here we go. The hokey pokey 248 00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:27,520 Speaker 1: is what it's all about. Two turntables and a microphone 249 00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:30,120 Speaker 1: is where it's at, a visa card, It's everywhere you 250 00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:33,400 Speaker 1: want to be. Is your grand central station of erotic sensation, 251 00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:36,320 Speaker 1: averaging just one eighth the size of a penis, yet 252 00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:39,120 Speaker 1: loaded with nearly double the nerve endings. It can range 253 00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:41,400 Speaker 1: in size from a barely visible p to a fair 254 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:44,920 Speaker 1: sized ghirkin and anywhere in between, and it's all normal, 255 00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:48,600 Speaker 1: all beautiful. Unlike the penis, the clitter sists only job 256 00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:53,960 Speaker 1: is sensation. The penis says four jobs, sensation, penetration, ejaculation 257 00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:57,080 Speaker 1: in your nation, two different ways of functioning, one shared 258 00:14:57,080 --> 00:15:02,800 Speaker 1: biological origin. Yeah, and if that wasn't enough, she really 259 00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:05,480 Speaker 1: hammers home the power of knowing where your clearest is, 260 00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:08,200 Speaker 1: not just the clears in general, but yours. And in fact, 261 00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:10,280 Speaker 1: of the first things she suggests is is getting a 262 00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:14,640 Speaker 1: mirror and looking at your genitals and finding it. As 263 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:18,280 Speaker 1: a sex educator, she also discusses the difficulty of finding 264 00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:22,120 Speaker 1: images of Volva's that aren't thin, white shaped, and how 265 00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:26,040 Speaker 1: that impacts what we all think Volva's should look like, 266 00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:28,920 Speaker 1: because again, there is so much variation. But if you're 267 00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:33,040 Speaker 1: only getting shown this one type, this one type of image, 268 00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:34,800 Speaker 1: then of course you're going to form in your head, 269 00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:39,840 Speaker 1: going to compare how yours is different. Another thing this 270 00:15:39,920 --> 00:15:43,800 Speaker 1: section spends time on is the hymen, and there are 271 00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:46,400 Speaker 1: so so many myths and powerful stories about the hymen, 272 00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:50,320 Speaker 1: most of them to control women. The idea the hyman 273 00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:55,640 Speaker 1: ism marker of precious, precious virginity, which in itself is 274 00:15:55,680 --> 00:16:01,200 Speaker 1: biologically meaningless. There's even hyman reconstructive sir injury. Women have 275 00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:04,640 Speaker 1: been killed over not having one, are told they couldn't 276 00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:08,760 Speaker 1: have been raped because their hyman isn't damaged. So some 277 00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:12,320 Speaker 1: hyman myths. She goes into that it breaks and stays broken. 278 00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:16,000 Speaker 1: Everyone has a hyman, which isn't true. The size changes 279 00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:19,920 Speaker 1: based on penetration, it doesn't, it bleeds, it usually doesn't. 280 00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:23,040 Speaker 1: The bleeding is usually a vaginal tearing due to lack 281 00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:26,800 Speaker 1: of lubrication. But again, I've heard all of those things too, 282 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:33,480 Speaker 1: that precious precious jewel. Yeah, we have so much more 283 00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:35,560 Speaker 1: to go over, but first we have a quick break 284 00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:51,720 Speaker 1: for a word from our sponsor, and we're back. Thank 285 00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:54,600 Speaker 1: you sponsor. Right. So, Another key aspect of the book 286 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:58,560 Speaker 1: are sexual response models, particularly the dual control model. While 287 00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:03,040 Speaker 1: earlier models didn't accoun for desire, this one does. Finally, 288 00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:06,760 Speaker 1: As the name suggests, it comprises two main parts, sex 289 00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:10,159 Speaker 1: accelerators and brakes. To get more specific, you have the 290 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:14,359 Speaker 1: sexual excitation system, says and the sexual inhibition system SIS 291 00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:17,359 Speaker 1: that vary from person to person. The SESS takes and 292 00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:21,439 Speaker 1: evaluates sexually revelent stimuli and sends the turn on signal 293 00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:25,720 Speaker 1: like pressing the accelerator UH, and the s I s 294 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:29,080 Speaker 1: IT takes in potential threats in the environment and sends 295 00:17:29,119 --> 00:17:32,240 Speaker 1: the turn off signal like pushing the brakes. And these 296 00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:36,400 Speaker 1: could include things like fear of social judgments or unwanted pregnancy. 297 00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:39,800 Speaker 1: And according to this book, a sensitive break is the 298 00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:45,600 Speaker 1: biggest predictor of sexual issues are problems, and you can 299 00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:48,440 Speaker 1: have high levels of both, low levels of both, average 300 00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:52,879 Speaker 1: levels of both are opposing values. All of this, trying 301 00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:56,600 Speaker 1: to understand sex is a big business refirment, and particularly 302 00:17:56,880 --> 00:18:01,760 Speaker 1: right now sexuality of women. Sex dysfunction fills of one 303 00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:06,119 Speaker 1: of the highest observed placebo effects in women, and that 304 00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:09,480 Speaker 1: is really really high. But that actually leads to the 305 00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:12,919 Speaker 1: next point. Another huge part of this book is sexual context, 306 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,520 Speaker 1: which is pretty much the circumstance and environment of sex 307 00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:17,040 Speaker 1: and according to the author, is one of the most 308 00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:20,720 Speaker 1: important things when it comes to having sex. A part 309 00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:24,480 Speaker 1: of this is finding your emotional wandering, yes, the wondering 310 00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:28,240 Speaker 1: to rule them all like Lord of the Rings, yes. 311 00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:33,160 Speaker 1: The wondering breaks up pleasure into three things, enjoying, expecting, 312 00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:38,800 Speaker 1: an eagerness, she writes. Expecting anticipating eagerness, wanting and enjoying 313 00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:41,960 Speaker 1: liking our separate functions in your brain. You can want 314 00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:47,240 Speaker 1: without liking, craving, anticipate without wanting, dread, or any other combination. 315 00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:49,880 Speaker 1: For most people, the best context for sex is low 316 00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:55,320 Speaker 1: stress plus highly affectionate plus explicitly erotic. When it comes 317 00:18:55,359 --> 00:18:58,560 Speaker 1: to context, stress has a huge impact, which also varies 318 00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:01,720 Speaker 1: from person to person, which be a surprise. There are 319 00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:06,680 Speaker 1: flat liners stress hits the brakes versus redliners stress hits accelerator, 320 00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:09,720 Speaker 1: she writes. In fact, more than half of women report 321 00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:13,119 Speaker 1: that stress, depression, and anxiety decrease their interests in sects. 322 00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:17,240 Speaker 1: They also reduce sexual arousal and can interfere with orgasm. 323 00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:21,200 Speaker 1: Chronic stress also disrupts or suppresses the mistrual cycle, decreases 324 00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:25,040 Speaker 1: fertility and lactation, and increases miscarriage, as well as reducing 325 00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:29,119 Speaker 1: general response and increasing both distractability and pain. With sex 326 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:34,600 Speaker 1: in a good sexual context, pretty much anything can turn 327 00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:37,359 Speaker 1: you on versus a bad one. Nothing well. The example, 328 00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:39,439 Speaker 1: she gives a lot of tickling how if you're in 329 00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:42,639 Speaker 1: a good place, tickling can be wonderful, but if you're 330 00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:46,400 Speaker 1: in a bad place, very annoying, you don't want it, 331 00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:51,880 Speaker 1: she says, annoying a lot. Yes, yes, trust is perhaps 332 00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:53,679 Speaker 1: obviously a part of a good context for a lot 333 00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:57,320 Speaker 1: of people. Not all people trust of others and of yourself. 334 00:19:57,400 --> 00:20:01,560 Speaker 1: That comes up to trusting your elf. One example of 335 00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:04,760 Speaker 1: this our fantasies. When it comes to fantasies, it's safe, 336 00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:07,320 Speaker 1: where the same situations in real life would be threatening. 337 00:20:07,359 --> 00:20:08,840 Speaker 1: One of the reasons I wanted to include that is 338 00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:10,680 Speaker 1: because I do like when I list out all the 339 00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:13,000 Speaker 1: crushes I've had in my life, almost all of them 340 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:15,280 Speaker 1: are fictional, and so this made a lot of sense 341 00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:16,600 Speaker 1: to me. I'm like, oh, yeah, I don't have to 342 00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:19,280 Speaker 1: really worry about what's going to happen with this fictional character, 343 00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:23,479 Speaker 1: right I think you know, I talked about this before 344 00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:25,680 Speaker 1: because I feel that same way where I'm like, if 345 00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:29,440 Speaker 1: I am thinking of someone, I don't think of people 346 00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:33,440 Speaker 1: I actually know, actually know them, put it too real 347 00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:35,880 Speaker 1: And I'm like, oh, so I've never actually had that 348 00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:38,360 Speaker 1: as a thing for me. I think when I would 349 00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:40,639 Speaker 1: dream it, I would feel so awkward like, if I 350 00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:42,639 Speaker 1: had such stream about a person that I could not 351 00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:44,479 Speaker 1: look at them in the eye, I'm a Nope, we 352 00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:50,000 Speaker 1: can't talk about two weeks now. That's the periods COVID nineteen. 353 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:53,639 Speaker 1: It's extremes at the same that's where I know my 354 00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:58,280 Speaker 1: quarantine all right, Yeah, it's extreme quarantine. That needs to 355 00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:02,840 Speaker 1: be a song. Um. Anyway, another part of context is trauma, 356 00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:06,200 Speaker 1: both for survivors and co survivors, um. And I thought 357 00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:10,120 Speaker 1: it was interesting that she included both perspectives because, um, 358 00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:12,439 Speaker 1: I know we've talked about co survivors before, but just 359 00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:15,480 Speaker 1: how it does impact them as well. And um. She 360 00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:18,760 Speaker 1: goes over three broad approaches to coping with residual trauma 361 00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:23,439 Speaker 1: top down approach processing the trauma, bottom up approach processing 362 00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:26,920 Speaker 1: your body, and the sideways approach mindfulness, And of course 363 00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:28,920 Speaker 1: she delves into so much more detail on all of 364 00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:32,720 Speaker 1: those things. If you again, if you are interested in 365 00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:36,199 Speaker 1: any of those, highly recommend you read the book. Um. 366 00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:39,240 Speaker 1: But yeah, those are the the ways of coping with 367 00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:42,480 Speaker 1: residual trauma. She goes into. Um, it also goes into 368 00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:46,320 Speaker 1: attachment styles and love and the impacts those things have 369 00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:51,119 Speaker 1: on sexual context, which I also found really interesting and 370 00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:53,000 Speaker 1: again she does have a workbook, So if you really 371 00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:56,120 Speaker 1: want to dig into where you are or working things out, 372 00:21:56,240 --> 00:21:59,200 Speaker 1: I think a workbook would be wonderful. And it also 373 00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:03,320 Speaker 1: goes into sex positivity in a sex negative culture. She 374 00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:06,639 Speaker 1: raised down the sex negativity into three main messages for 375 00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:09,760 Speaker 1: women around sex. One the moral message you are evil, 376 00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:12,920 Speaker 1: the medical message you are diseased, and the media message 377 00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:16,440 Speaker 1: you are inadequate. Linda A. Bacon literally wrote the book 378 00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:19,919 Speaker 1: on Hayes Health at Every Size, The Surprising Truth About 379 00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:23,520 Speaker 1: Your Weight, based on her decades of research on nutrition, exercise, 380 00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:25,760 Speaker 1: and health. And there are four major tenants according to 381 00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:29,120 Speaker 1: the Hayes Manifesto or again h A. E. S One, 382 00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:34,600 Speaker 1: accept your size, to trust yourself. Three adopt healthy lifestyle habits, 383 00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:38,800 Speaker 1: including joyful physical activity and nutritious foods. And for embrace 384 00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:41,560 Speaker 1: sized diversity. I think she does a really great job 385 00:22:41,680 --> 00:22:45,080 Speaker 1: in breaking down how we see ourselves as a young 386 00:22:45,119 --> 00:22:47,119 Speaker 1: girl before we are told what is right and what 387 00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:49,520 Speaker 1: is wrong. She does a wonderful job and how that 388 00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:52,479 Speaker 1: is fed into us and then we become doubting ourselves. 389 00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:54,119 Speaker 1: And I will tell you one of the reasons I 390 00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:56,160 Speaker 1: say a lot of the times I have so many 391 00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:58,320 Speaker 1: attachment issues and had so much trauma. I didn't have 392 00:22:58,359 --> 00:23:01,480 Speaker 1: sex until later on in life. Well, of course I 393 00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:03,440 Speaker 1: was also religious, but a big part that was also 394 00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:06,800 Speaker 1: my weight and being thicker and beginning being heavier than 395 00:23:06,840 --> 00:23:09,240 Speaker 1: what I knew was normal in a white culture, being 396 00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:12,760 Speaker 1: skinny is number one. Um so for me being a 397 00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:15,600 Speaker 1: thick Asian girl, which means I've already been disqualified of 398 00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:19,560 Speaker 1: two of the perfect standards. Would did not want anyone 399 00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:21,320 Speaker 1: to see me. I covered myself up. But think I 400 00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:23,120 Speaker 1: told you the story that I used to always wear 401 00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:27,080 Speaker 1: long skirts and T shirts because not just because you know, 402 00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:29,240 Speaker 1: oh yeah, I'm trying to stay pure, there's more of 403 00:23:29,359 --> 00:23:31,119 Speaker 1: I'm assumed of what my body looks like. This is 404 00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:35,560 Speaker 1: the best way to hide myself. Yeah yeah, And um, 405 00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:39,080 Speaker 1: she does spend a lot of time on weights and 406 00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:43,119 Speaker 1: on how so many of us, for so many women, 407 00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:47,560 Speaker 1: that is one thing that takes us out of sex 408 00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:50,639 Speaker 1: is that you're so focused on like what you feel 409 00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:54,360 Speaker 1: is wrong with your body. Um, and of course that's 410 00:23:54,359 --> 00:23:58,680 Speaker 1: gonna remove you from enjoying a moment. Uh. And yeah, 411 00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:01,280 Speaker 1: I mean I have some any friends and myself included 412 00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:04,600 Speaker 1: that we would you know, you wouldn't take off your 413 00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:07,080 Speaker 1: shirt when you went swimming, or you just didn't want 414 00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:10,800 Speaker 1: anybody looking at your body. And as she reiterates time 415 00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:14,280 Speaker 1: and time again, you weren't born with those thoughts. Uh. 416 00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:16,600 Speaker 1: The culture that you live in and the people in 417 00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:20,200 Speaker 1: your life unknowingly or knowingly gave you those thoughts. And 418 00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:23,439 Speaker 1: it's planted in your garden. It's planet, and it's a weed, 419 00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:25,680 Speaker 1: and you can decide to get rid of it or 420 00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:32,760 Speaker 1: to decide what to keep. But you do get to decide, uh, yes, yes, 421 00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:37,320 Speaker 1: and discussed you also talked about disgust when the huge 422 00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:42,359 Speaker 1: impact that has on the sex life of women, which 423 00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:46,760 Speaker 1: discussed is sexual disgust is largely associated with sexual pain disorders. 424 00:24:46,840 --> 00:24:49,800 Speaker 1: And I was just thinking about for me, as someone 425 00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:52,639 Speaker 1: who works on the show and a very like sex positive, 426 00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:56,360 Speaker 1: I still have just like lingering kind of knee jerk, 427 00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:58,199 Speaker 1: like when we did the sex Words episode and I 428 00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:01,880 Speaker 1: got so embarrassed or like just taught thinking about like 429 00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:04,240 Speaker 1: some of the things she would write about like sticky 430 00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:07,960 Speaker 1: uh and like smells and like it's not disgusting, but 431 00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:11,119 Speaker 1: I have that like knee jerk thing that I've just 432 00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:15,040 Speaker 1: been fed and it has grown within me continue to 433 00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:17,480 Speaker 1: say the word yum throughout I'm not gonna lie. It 434 00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:20,399 Speaker 1: kind of like made me have a moment especially and 435 00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:22,000 Speaker 1: I do I'm not gonna lie. I don't love the 436 00:25:22,119 --> 00:25:26,000 Speaker 1: term yuck. You're yum. I don't know why. It's always 437 00:25:26,040 --> 00:25:28,000 Speaker 1: been like, uh, I don't don't say that to me. 438 00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:29,520 Speaker 1: And the first time I heard it, which by the way, 439 00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:31,080 Speaker 1: was recently, I was like, what is what did you 440 00:25:31,080 --> 00:25:37,199 Speaker 1: say to me? But yeah, it definitely has like the 441 00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:41,639 Speaker 1: book has that moment of like, oh, I really need 442 00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:44,119 Speaker 1: to rethink about this as a normalized thing, because I 443 00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:46,520 Speaker 1: still have even as open and as forward as I 444 00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:49,000 Speaker 1: can be, it's still I still had moments of not 445 00:25:49,040 --> 00:25:52,199 Speaker 1: necessarily just triggered, but being very uncomfortable even though it 446 00:25:52,359 --> 00:25:56,480 Speaker 1: is absolutely normal. Yep, yep, yep. And the book does 447 00:25:56,520 --> 00:25:59,000 Speaker 1: go into some ways of learning these top messages of 448 00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:03,280 Speaker 1: body shame and him around sex and sexuality. And just 449 00:26:03,320 --> 00:26:06,600 Speaker 1: to be clear about the medical message of those those 450 00:26:06,600 --> 00:26:10,000 Speaker 1: three basic messages, she says, women gets um it not 451 00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:13,080 Speaker 1: only encompasses like things like unwanted pregnancy and S T 452 00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:16,119 Speaker 1: I S, but like a lower sex drive when compared 453 00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:18,680 Speaker 1: to a partner means you are broken or something is 454 00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:21,240 Speaker 1: wrong with you, that that there's something wrong with you 455 00:26:21,280 --> 00:26:24,639 Speaker 1: if your experience doesn't match this male as default experience. Right. 456 00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:27,280 Speaker 1: Also like her comparison, um, when she was talking about 457 00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:30,360 Speaker 1: the woman uh who had a disability who I think 458 00:26:30,359 --> 00:26:33,080 Speaker 1: she was in a wheelchair, was told by the doctor 459 00:26:33,160 --> 00:26:36,000 Speaker 1: that they couldn't help her pain and therefore she couldn't 460 00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:39,680 Speaker 1: have sex essentially, and then her being so frustrated. It's 461 00:26:39,680 --> 00:26:43,520 Speaker 1: true that doctors don't care about women enjoying sex, so 462 00:26:43,560 --> 00:26:46,080 Speaker 1: therefore they don't believe when a woman says they can't 463 00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:48,359 Speaker 1: have sex. That's where every man was talking about the 464 00:26:48,359 --> 00:26:51,840 Speaker 1: penis or having you know, erectile dysfunction that are immediately 465 00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:54,440 Speaker 1: able to prescribe something and say, yeah, absolutely we can 466 00:26:54,480 --> 00:27:01,200 Speaker 1: fix that. Yeah, it's so important that we fix so important. Yes. Um. 467 00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:04,080 Speaker 1: Another thing a lot of women report as part of 468 00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:07,560 Speaker 1: all of this messaging is spectator And I've heard from 469 00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:09,520 Speaker 1: a lot of my friends about this, and this is 470 00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:12,919 Speaker 1: basically being outside of your body while having sex. And 471 00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:16,240 Speaker 1: it's usually things like yeah, worried about how you look, um, 472 00:27:16,280 --> 00:27:18,560 Speaker 1: about whether or not you're going to orgasm, like having 473 00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:22,639 Speaker 1: this pressure to to do that. Um, all kinds of things, 474 00:27:22,640 --> 00:27:26,560 Speaker 1: and I remember forever ago we did an episode on 475 00:27:26,560 --> 00:27:29,040 Speaker 1: on that, and I'm sure the numbers have changed now, 476 00:27:29,080 --> 00:27:30,720 Speaker 1: but at the time it was like, what are most 477 00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:32,439 Speaker 1: we've been thinking about when they have sex? And it 478 00:27:32,520 --> 00:27:35,919 Speaker 1: was like body image, orgasm. And the third one was 479 00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:40,240 Speaker 1: like groceries or like based daily plans. Yeah, like all 480 00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:42,359 Speaker 1: the stuff they have to do essentially in stress is 481 00:27:42,400 --> 00:27:48,200 Speaker 1: a huge, huge, huge part of what Nagaski believes is 482 00:27:48,359 --> 00:27:51,520 Speaker 1: impacting sex lives. And we are going to talk about that, um, 483 00:27:51,560 --> 00:27:53,240 Speaker 1: but first we're gonna take one more quick break for 484 00:27:53,240 --> 00:28:11,280 Speaker 1: a word from our sponsor, and we're back. Thank you sponsoring. Right, So, 485 00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:13,879 Speaker 1: something else the book tackles is the power of self 486 00:28:13,880 --> 00:28:17,000 Speaker 1: criticism as a moral force and the difficulty of letting 487 00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:19,240 Speaker 1: it go. I think we've all been there, which also 488 00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:22,399 Speaker 1: is a huge stressor that doesn't just impact sex, but 489 00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:26,160 Speaker 1: all aspects of our lives, particularly women's lives. And we've 490 00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:28,439 Speaker 1: seen it as we are in the middle again of 491 00:28:28,480 --> 00:28:31,960 Speaker 1: a pandemic and responsibilities following a lot on the women 492 00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:35,760 Speaker 1: in the household or the main uh female partner. And 493 00:28:35,800 --> 00:28:38,560 Speaker 1: one of the main ways to combat self criticism, according 494 00:28:38,600 --> 00:28:42,680 Speaker 1: to Nagaski, is self compassion, which is further broken down 495 00:28:43,080 --> 00:28:47,880 Speaker 1: into self kindness, which is really hard to be kind 496 00:28:47,880 --> 00:28:51,080 Speaker 1: to yourself sometimes. But she did a really great um 497 00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:53,200 Speaker 1: exercise in which she tells you to write a letter 498 00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:57,040 Speaker 1: and address it to your daughter or your sister, and 499 00:28:57,320 --> 00:29:00,840 Speaker 1: then apply that same language to yourself. I think that's wonderful. 500 00:29:01,440 --> 00:29:06,959 Speaker 1: Common humanity, the opposite of isolation, which is funny right 501 00:29:06,960 --> 00:29:09,960 Speaker 1: now talking about what's happening but you know, and then 502 00:29:10,040 --> 00:29:14,280 Speaker 1: mindfulness being non judgmental about what's happening at the current moment, 503 00:29:14,320 --> 00:29:16,720 Speaker 1: even though she also talks about the whole going back 504 00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:20,920 Speaker 1: and forth about being annoyed for being annoyed and how 505 00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:24,240 Speaker 1: to let go of that. Uh huh, Yeah. I hadn't 506 00:29:24,240 --> 00:29:26,280 Speaker 1: really thought about that until I read that section. I 507 00:29:26,320 --> 00:29:29,360 Speaker 1: was like, oh, yeah, yeah, that is something I experienced 508 00:29:29,440 --> 00:29:33,440 Speaker 1: quite a bit of. And mindfulness is something I've been 509 00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:36,120 Speaker 1: working on a lot during quarantine, and it has changed 510 00:29:36,680 --> 00:29:40,280 Speaker 1: I can notice, like incremental improvements in the way I 511 00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:42,840 Speaker 1: treat myself. Yeah, she talks about it as also not 512 00:29:42,920 --> 00:29:45,800 Speaker 1: just for sucks, but just like your anxiety and depression. 513 00:29:45,960 --> 00:29:48,080 Speaker 1: How it is really helpful and it has been, as 514 00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:49,800 Speaker 1: we know, kind of a lot of these apps and 515 00:29:50,080 --> 00:29:54,160 Speaker 1: meditation apps are specifically not necessarily about meditation, but mindfulness 516 00:29:54,160 --> 00:29:56,480 Speaker 1: and had rewarded what that is and how that is 517 00:29:56,480 --> 00:30:01,360 Speaker 1: helpful and beneficial. Yes. Uh. Another main focus of the 518 00:30:01,360 --> 00:30:06,120 Speaker 1: book is something called non concordance, and she writes how 519 00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:08,800 Speaker 1: most people don't know what this is or don't understand 520 00:30:08,800 --> 00:30:13,520 Speaker 1: it properly, and I definitely count myself in that group. Um, 521 00:30:13,560 --> 00:30:17,160 Speaker 1: So this is something everyone experiences when genital response doesn't 522 00:30:17,240 --> 00:30:19,800 Speaker 1: match the experience of arousal, which arousal is something that 523 00:30:19,880 --> 00:30:24,240 Speaker 1: happens in the brain, or having a biological response to 524 00:30:24,320 --> 00:30:29,840 Speaker 1: sexually relevant data, so expecting but not experiencing the eagerness 525 00:30:30,080 --> 00:30:34,520 Speaker 1: or enjoying part of pleasure necessarily um. One study found 526 00:30:34,560 --> 00:30:36,880 Speaker 1: that the overlap between these two is as low as 527 00:30:37,000 --> 00:30:41,760 Speaker 1: ten percent for women about for men. Yeah, that number 528 00:30:41,800 --> 00:30:43,920 Speaker 1: was shocking. That temper sent kind of just sat there 529 00:30:43,920 --> 00:30:46,800 Speaker 1: at that number. I was like, Wow, they have that's 530 00:30:46,840 --> 00:30:51,320 Speaker 1: a giant, huge difference, and that's a low ass number. Yeah. 531 00:30:51,400 --> 00:30:56,680 Speaker 1: And this is another thing with the mail as default um, 532 00:30:56,760 --> 00:30:59,720 Speaker 1: because she gives the example of fifty Shades of Great 533 00:30:59,720 --> 00:31:02,080 Speaker 1: which I never read, but I've read a lot of 534 00:31:02,080 --> 00:31:04,920 Speaker 1: fan fiction that uses the same idea. Of like, well, 535 00:31:04,960 --> 00:31:07,880 Speaker 1: your body can't lie, Like you can tell me one thing, 536 00:31:07,960 --> 00:31:10,520 Speaker 1: but your body is telling me something else. And this 537 00:31:10,640 --> 00:31:14,640 Speaker 1: leads to a dangerous habit of assuming that women's bodies 538 00:31:14,680 --> 00:31:18,120 Speaker 1: are the quote honest indicators and that yeah, they're lying 539 00:31:18,240 --> 00:31:22,840 Speaker 1: or in denial when they tell you otherwise. And we've 540 00:31:22,880 --> 00:31:24,840 Speaker 1: seen the power of this messaging when it comes to 541 00:31:24,880 --> 00:31:29,240 Speaker 1: sexual assault cases, even representatives in our government. Right. She 542 00:31:29,320 --> 00:31:32,000 Speaker 1: puts out the one specific example of is it the 543 00:31:32,040 --> 00:31:35,320 Speaker 1: representative who said that if a woman is raped, their 544 00:31:35,360 --> 00:31:40,480 Speaker 1: body automatically has defenses. You're yeah, you're like, what so 545 00:31:40,520 --> 00:31:45,880 Speaker 1: if you get pregnant the understanding and this old understanding, 546 00:31:45,920 --> 00:31:48,600 Speaker 1: if there's some part of your body that was into it, 547 00:31:48,640 --> 00:31:56,719 Speaker 1: which is so so damaging and awful and a huge lie. Wrong, wrong, wrong, 548 00:31:57,120 --> 00:31:58,720 Speaker 1: But yeah, I think that's she. I love that she 549 00:31:58,760 --> 00:32:00,880 Speaker 1: does talk about that. She even talks about it as 550 00:32:00,920 --> 00:32:04,240 Speaker 1: for men um and she had that one example of 551 00:32:04,320 --> 00:32:08,760 Speaker 1: a guy who didn't stop assault happening because he had 552 00:32:08,800 --> 00:32:12,320 Speaker 1: an erection, but and so that he felt like that 553 00:32:12,360 --> 00:32:16,160 Speaker 1: meant he was also a pervert too. In actuality, there's 554 00:32:16,200 --> 00:32:18,400 Speaker 1: a lot of things that have happened between men and 555 00:32:18,440 --> 00:32:22,400 Speaker 1: women when things, again are your body physically reacts to 556 00:32:22,520 --> 00:32:24,680 Speaker 1: something that it has nothing to do with what your 557 00:32:24,720 --> 00:32:27,440 Speaker 1: desire actually is. And so I was like, Wow, she 558 00:32:27,520 --> 00:32:29,680 Speaker 1: flipped that. She flipped that on his head, and that's 559 00:32:29,720 --> 00:32:32,719 Speaker 1: a really great example. Also frustrated me know that there 560 00:32:32,720 --> 00:32:34,200 Speaker 1: are a lot of men out there who has seen 561 00:32:34,240 --> 00:32:37,200 Speaker 1: this happen and don't say anything. Yea, And that pissed 562 00:32:37,280 --> 00:32:39,760 Speaker 1: me off. But that's a whole that's a whole other conversation. 563 00:32:39,800 --> 00:32:41,080 Speaker 1: But that was one of those that I sat there 564 00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:42,480 Speaker 1: from me and I was like, huh, this would be 565 00:32:42,520 --> 00:32:45,440 Speaker 1: an interesting episode. Let's talk about it. Why is it? 566 00:32:45,480 --> 00:32:49,920 Speaker 1: But anyway, I digress. So Nagaski also digs into the 567 00:32:49,960 --> 00:32:53,280 Speaker 1: size of spontaneous versus responsive desire, which kicks in after 568 00:32:53,360 --> 00:32:55,840 Speaker 1: sexy things have already happened, as opposed to just seeing 569 00:32:55,880 --> 00:32:59,680 Speaker 1: someone and wanting sex versus context dependent desire, which is 570 00:32:59,680 --> 00:33:04,080 Speaker 1: design that really depends on the context. Yeah. And and 571 00:33:04,360 --> 00:33:07,400 Speaker 1: it was interesting because throughout the book she has these 572 00:33:07,400 --> 00:33:10,480 Speaker 1: four couples that she's using as examples of working through 573 00:33:10,520 --> 00:33:14,360 Speaker 1: these things to help give you a concrete example, and 574 00:33:14,480 --> 00:33:17,200 Speaker 1: just it seems like every couple did not understand the 575 00:33:17,200 --> 00:33:22,120 Speaker 1: differences in this um. Another point she hammers home is 576 00:33:22,160 --> 00:33:27,680 Speaker 1: that sex is not a drive but an incentive motivation system, 577 00:33:27,720 --> 00:33:30,360 Speaker 1: and that calling sex a drive fosters an environment where 578 00:33:30,360 --> 00:33:34,760 Speaker 1: women think they're sick. The percentage of that experienced spontaneous 579 00:33:34,760 --> 00:33:38,040 Speaker 1: desire is far lower than men. And it also fosters 580 00:33:38,080 --> 00:33:40,920 Speaker 1: a sense of male sexual entitlement that it's this thing 581 00:33:41,240 --> 00:33:43,520 Speaker 1: that they have to have. And I haven't honestly thought 582 00:33:43,640 --> 00:33:46,160 Speaker 1: much about that verbiage and the depth of the mean 583 00:33:46,280 --> 00:33:49,760 Speaker 1: that it has attached to it, because yeah, I've I've 584 00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:52,240 Speaker 1: heard that term, and I've used that term, and then 585 00:33:52,400 --> 00:33:55,800 Speaker 1: we're thinking, oh, yeah, sex is not needed for living, 586 00:33:55,920 --> 00:33:58,480 Speaker 1: as in, it's not going to kill you if you 587 00:33:58,520 --> 00:34:00,760 Speaker 1: don't have sex, and about placing it as a need. 588 00:34:00,840 --> 00:34:03,920 Speaker 1: It does give men in society an excuse of having 589 00:34:03,960 --> 00:34:05,959 Speaker 1: sex as a means of survival, so it is not 590 00:34:06,000 --> 00:34:09,719 Speaker 1: necessarily something they earn but must have and it is given. Um, 591 00:34:09,800 --> 00:34:12,040 Speaker 1: it's such a breakdown in language, which we've talked about 592 00:34:12,080 --> 00:34:15,280 Speaker 1: so many times and again another way of controlling women. 593 00:34:15,520 --> 00:34:17,279 Speaker 1: So we know it on the surface, like we know 594 00:34:17,360 --> 00:34:20,520 Speaker 1: this on the surface, but language like this it does 595 00:34:20,560 --> 00:34:23,640 Speaker 1: have a very dangerous consequence. And I kind of like, wow, yeah, 596 00:34:23,760 --> 00:34:28,680 Speaker 1: she really that she's completely right. Sex drivers should be 597 00:34:28,680 --> 00:34:31,680 Speaker 1: eliminated from our language because it has this verbish that 598 00:34:31,800 --> 00:34:35,120 Speaker 1: men can't control themselves, shouldn't have to control themselves because 599 00:34:35,200 --> 00:34:39,160 Speaker 1: it is instinct. And that's yep. And I know we've 600 00:34:39,160 --> 00:34:43,359 Speaker 1: talked about before, um, growing up and just feeling like 601 00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:49,040 Speaker 1: it was my duty, Like if a guy heaven forbide 602 00:34:49,160 --> 00:34:52,279 Speaker 1: have blueballs when I've done something terrible and I would owe. 603 00:34:52,320 --> 00:34:57,640 Speaker 1: It's like, yeah, it's it's very damaging being in a relationship, 604 00:34:57,719 --> 00:35:02,880 Speaker 1: being in that close proximity, being uh flirty means that 605 00:35:03,120 --> 00:35:07,000 Speaker 1: they are owed this act whether you want to or not. 606 00:35:07,080 --> 00:35:09,359 Speaker 1: And that's such a wow, kind of just blew my mine. 607 00:35:09,360 --> 00:35:12,160 Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, that that language in itself builds 608 00:35:12,200 --> 00:35:16,200 Speaker 1: itself up to have that toxicity and allows them to 609 00:35:16,280 --> 00:35:23,960 Speaker 1: get away with these things. Yeah, um, yep. But pivoting, Uh. 610 00:35:24,040 --> 00:35:27,920 Speaker 1: There is a whole section on orgasms um, which she 611 00:35:28,000 --> 00:35:32,480 Speaker 1: defines as quote the sudden, involuntary release of sexual tension 612 00:35:33,320 --> 00:35:37,400 Speaker 1: uh and further quote, orgasms vary from woman to woman, 613 00:35:37,440 --> 00:35:40,160 Speaker 1: from context to context. They happen while you're making love, 614 00:35:40,200 --> 00:35:42,680 Speaker 1: and sometimes they don't. They happen while you're masturbating, and 615 00:35:42,719 --> 00:35:46,839 Speaker 1: sometimes they don't. They can happen from clatorial stimulation, vaginal stimulation, 616 00:35:47,000 --> 00:35:51,160 Speaker 1: thigh stimulation, anal stimulation, stimulation, earlobe stimulation, or a mental 617 00:35:51,200 --> 00:35:54,279 Speaker 1: stimulation with no physical contact at all or not during 618 00:35:54,280 --> 00:35:56,560 Speaker 1: any of these. They can happen while you're asleep, while 619 00:35:56,560 --> 00:35:59,319 Speaker 1: you're exercising, or while you're in a variety of other 620 00:35:59,360 --> 00:36:04,160 Speaker 1: completely on sexual situations. They can be delightful, humdrum, spiritual, annoying, ecstatic, fun, 621 00:36:04,280 --> 00:36:07,840 Speaker 1: or frustrating. Sometimes they're awesome, sometimes they're not. Sometimes you 622 00:36:07,880 --> 00:36:10,719 Speaker 1: want them, sometimes you don't. And by the way, she 623 00:36:10,800 --> 00:36:14,799 Speaker 1: has a whole uh section on different ways to have 624 00:36:14,880 --> 00:36:18,640 Speaker 1: different types of orgasm. Yes, yes she does, and I 625 00:36:18,880 --> 00:36:21,680 Speaker 1: really appreciated she put this in there because I do 626 00:36:21,840 --> 00:36:24,680 Speaker 1: think as a culture, we've built the orgasm into this 627 00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:28,000 Speaker 1: like end all, be all. If you don't have it, 628 00:36:28,400 --> 00:36:33,719 Speaker 1: something's wrong. But you know, it does vary depending on 629 00:36:34,160 --> 00:36:37,440 Speaker 1: the mood and context, and sometimes you know, they're fine, 630 00:36:38,280 --> 00:36:40,799 Speaker 1: sometimes they are amazing. You know. I've talked about some 631 00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:43,640 Speaker 1: more gasses on the show, and this actually made me 632 00:36:43,680 --> 00:36:45,280 Speaker 1: feel better about it because I was like, oh, look, 633 00:36:46,120 --> 00:36:48,600 Speaker 1: it turns out that could happen, and I'm not some 634 00:36:48,800 --> 00:36:54,919 Speaker 1: total outlier uh, you are better disciplined than the rest 635 00:36:54,920 --> 00:36:58,160 Speaker 1: of us. Apparently, I found a context that works for me. 636 00:37:01,000 --> 00:37:04,600 Speaker 1: But back to orgasms, in this context can also be 637 00:37:04,840 --> 00:37:09,200 Speaker 1: non concordant. Because we societally treated men's pleasure as a 638 00:37:09,239 --> 00:37:13,439 Speaker 1: default pleasure, we expect women to orgasm reliably from being 639 00:37:13,480 --> 00:37:19,760 Speaker 1: this vaginal intercourse, yeah, which can sometimes happen, but sometimes 640 00:37:19,760 --> 00:37:24,200 Speaker 1: don't and only do and SEV don't. And I think 641 00:37:24,239 --> 00:37:26,320 Speaker 1: that's kind of one of those things that have slowly 642 00:37:26,440 --> 00:37:28,719 Speaker 1: sleeped out to the world that people are starting to 643 00:37:28,760 --> 00:37:32,799 Speaker 1: realize it's okay and sometimes it just never happens. Um 644 00:37:33,800 --> 00:37:36,799 Speaker 1: of women who masturbated it with little to no vaginal stimulation, 645 00:37:37,120 --> 00:37:41,280 Speaker 1: focusing primarily on the clearers. I knew it, you knew it. 646 00:37:41,600 --> 00:37:45,439 Speaker 1: I knew it, you knew it. But yeah, I mean, 647 00:37:46,840 --> 00:37:50,759 Speaker 1: I think it's it's not just men, Like I grew 648 00:37:50,800 --> 00:37:55,520 Speaker 1: up thinking that too, Like that's yeah, I do. I 649 00:37:55,560 --> 00:37:58,280 Speaker 1: do also love. She deals into the same time orgasm. 650 00:37:58,520 --> 00:38:00,560 Speaker 1: She talks about how rare that isn't that's great if 651 00:38:00,600 --> 00:38:02,239 Speaker 1: you can and if you like it, wonderful, but it's 652 00:38:02,280 --> 00:38:05,200 Speaker 1: not a you know, necessary thing, and it's not common, 653 00:38:05,400 --> 00:38:09,120 Speaker 1: so it's okay, yeah, yeah, And I also like how 654 00:38:09,160 --> 00:38:12,840 Speaker 1: she talks about, like the pressure especially on women to 655 00:38:13,000 --> 00:38:15,399 Speaker 1: have an orgasm almost means you're not going to have one, 656 00:38:15,920 --> 00:38:17,680 Speaker 1: Like it's one of those things that's taking you out 657 00:38:17,680 --> 00:38:22,880 Speaker 1: of the moment of enjoying um so. And also just 658 00:38:22,920 --> 00:38:26,560 Speaker 1: to reiterate she said in that quote reliably, like it 659 00:38:26,600 --> 00:38:30,040 Speaker 1: doesn't mean you you never will during penis vaginanat intercourse, 660 00:38:30,120 --> 00:38:33,279 Speaker 1: just like that reliable part of it. And then that's 661 00:38:33,320 --> 00:38:37,160 Speaker 1: the only way, yes, it is not no no no. 662 00:38:38,920 --> 00:38:42,239 Speaker 1: She also goes into things like meta emotions or is yeah, 663 00:38:42,239 --> 00:38:45,560 Speaker 1: how you feel about your emotions being annoyed about being annoyed? Uh, 664 00:38:45,600 --> 00:38:48,359 Speaker 1: and Matt versus terrain, how we're told sex should be 665 00:38:48,760 --> 00:38:51,520 Speaker 1: and how it actually is, and how all of that 666 00:38:51,880 --> 00:38:55,000 Speaker 1: plays into our ideas of sex and if sex is 667 00:38:55,040 --> 00:38:58,680 Speaker 1: something that you're you're into, how how that sex can 668 00:38:58,719 --> 00:39:00,879 Speaker 1: play out and how you can change those things and 669 00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:03,759 Speaker 1: just be to be mindful of those things too, is 670 00:39:03,800 --> 00:39:10,040 Speaker 1: a big part of realizing, Uh, you're the messaging you've 671 00:39:10,040 --> 00:39:14,160 Speaker 1: received and how that impacts all of your life. But 672 00:39:14,239 --> 00:39:18,280 Speaker 1: also sex, what is being planted in your garden? What 673 00:39:18,680 --> 00:39:20,719 Speaker 1: is being planted in your garden? What do you want 674 00:39:20,719 --> 00:39:23,439 Speaker 1: to get rid of what do you want to keep? Um, 675 00:39:23,480 --> 00:39:26,560 Speaker 1: and I mean communication too is I mean we could 676 00:39:26,560 --> 00:39:29,400 Speaker 1: say that in every episode, but communication is key and 677 00:39:29,480 --> 00:39:34,319 Speaker 1: not feeling embarrassed about having these honest conversations and not 678 00:39:34,440 --> 00:39:37,800 Speaker 1: being embarrassed that you don't necessarily know like work and 679 00:39:37,880 --> 00:39:40,080 Speaker 1: doing that work and figuring out what you do like 680 00:39:42,000 --> 00:39:47,799 Speaker 1: and being able to communicate that. Yeah, it's very powerful stuff. Yes, 681 00:39:48,400 --> 00:39:50,960 Speaker 1: it had me feeling like I gotta share this with 682 00:39:51,040 --> 00:39:54,000 Speaker 1: everybody I know, And well that's her ends. She's like, 683 00:39:54,080 --> 00:39:56,320 Speaker 1: make sure it's just share. If you share just one person, 684 00:39:56,400 --> 00:40:03,280 Speaker 1: I've done my job. Just spread it amongst the people's. Yeah, well, uh, 685 00:40:03,360 --> 00:40:05,680 Speaker 1: you know, I guess we've done part of our job 686 00:40:05,680 --> 00:40:08,640 Speaker 1: and we are our listeners for that because I yeah, 687 00:40:08,719 --> 00:40:12,680 Speaker 1: great suggestion, and yeah, yeah, Honestly, this book it's just 688 00:40:12,719 --> 00:40:15,360 Speaker 1: a wealth of information. There's so so many things we 689 00:40:15,400 --> 00:40:18,040 Speaker 1: can unpack. It's so full of things I wish I 690 00:40:18,040 --> 00:40:20,719 Speaker 1: had known when I was much much younger, and we 691 00:40:20,760 --> 00:40:23,680 Speaker 1: really only touched on the surface. So definitely recommend it 692 00:40:24,040 --> 00:40:26,759 Speaker 1: if any of what we've said resonate with you or 693 00:40:26,800 --> 00:40:28,319 Speaker 1: you want to learn more about any of the things 694 00:40:28,360 --> 00:40:30,320 Speaker 1: we touched on, because we really didn't go in depth 695 00:40:31,640 --> 00:40:35,160 Speaker 1: with with much of this. So it's a lot, it 696 00:40:35,360 --> 00:40:38,680 Speaker 1: is and it's worth it. It's worth it um. But 697 00:40:38,840 --> 00:40:42,000 Speaker 1: in the meantime, we would love any other book recommendations 698 00:40:42,080 --> 00:40:44,880 Speaker 1: or recommendations at large, or just to hear from you. 699 00:40:44,920 --> 00:40:47,120 Speaker 1: How are you doing? Uh? You can email us at 700 00:40:47,120 --> 00:40:49,799 Speaker 1: Stuff Media, mom Stuff at iHeart media dot com. You 701 00:40:49,800 --> 00:40:52,160 Speaker 1: can find us on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast or 702 00:40:52,320 --> 00:40:54,799 Speaker 1: on Instagram at Stuff I've Never Told You. Thanks as 703 00:40:54,840 --> 00:40:58,759 Speaker 1: always to our super producer Andrew Howard. Thanks and thanks 704 00:40:58,800 --> 00:41:01,239 Speaker 1: to you for listening. Dephone Never Told You subsection of 705 00:41:01,239 --> 00:41:03,880 Speaker 1: iHeart Radio. For more podcast on iHeart Radio, visits iHeart 706 00:41:03,920 --> 00:41:06,319 Speaker 1: Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you're listening to your 707 00:41:06,320 --> 00:41:06,920 Speaker 1: favorite shows.