WEBVTT - An ICU Doctor Revisits Her Dream 0:00:14.956 --> 0:00:15.436 Pushkin. 0:00:29.996 --> 0:00:33.196 A mantra that I've always lived by was that I 0:00:33.276 --> 0:00:37.516 overcome odds, right like I overcome things that come my way, 0:00:37.676 --> 0:00:39.676 and I figure it out and I land on my 0:00:39.756 --> 0:00:40.316 two feet. 0:00:41.276 --> 0:00:44.596 Felicia Shoe's biggest dream was to become a doctor, and 0:00:44.636 --> 0:00:48.916 after years of dedication, she achieved that dream, but it 0:00:48.996 --> 0:00:50.676 took a heavy toll on her. 0:00:51.436 --> 0:00:55.076 I almost saw myself as this piece of glass and 0:00:55.836 --> 0:00:58.836 it got a crack, and you get up and you 0:00:58.916 --> 0:01:01.036 try to put a little band aid on it. You 0:01:01.076 --> 0:01:04.076 know that doesn't work, and then another crack, and another 0:01:04.196 --> 0:01:05.956 and another, and then you kind of just wonder, at 0:01:05.956 --> 0:01:08.196 what point is it just gonna shatter? 0:01:12.116 --> 0:01:15.036 On today's show, how do you know when to let 0:01:15.076 --> 0:01:21.636 go of a dream? I'm Maya Shunker, a scientist who 0:01:21.636 --> 0:01:25.236 studies human behavior, and this is a Slight Change of Plans, 0:01:25.596 --> 0:01:27.916 a show about who we are and who we become 0:01:28.156 --> 0:01:39.596 in the face of a big change. Felicia is actually 0:01:39.596 --> 0:01:43.516 a longtime fan of A Slight Change of Plans. Her husband, Chen, 0:01:43.636 --> 0:01:46.876 reached out to us earlier this year to share her story. 0:01:46.956 --> 0:01:50.796 She'd never spoken publicly about her experience before, but felt 0:01:50.836 --> 0:01:53.596 that this show was the right place to finally open up. 0:01:54.556 --> 0:01:57.356 I really hope that her story will help anyone who's 0:01:57.396 --> 0:02:01.836 grappling with the prospect of leaving something behind, something that 0:02:01.876 --> 0:02:05.956 they thought would define their future. From the time Felicia 0:02:06.076 --> 0:02:08.316 was a little kid, she knew she wanted to be 0:02:08.356 --> 0:02:10.636 a doctor. It felt like a calling. 0:02:11.436 --> 0:02:15.156 My introduction to medicine in some ways was through Eastern medicine. Actually, 0:02:15.716 --> 0:02:19.316 my mom's best friend is an acupuncturist. I used to 0:02:19.356 --> 0:02:21.436 go and she would babysit me, and I would say 0:02:21.436 --> 0:02:23.916 in the office, I would watch people come in with 0:02:23.996 --> 0:02:26.476 like frozen shoulder and then like you do acupuncture and 0:02:26.516 --> 0:02:28.556 you just put all these needles into someone. It looks 0:02:28.596 --> 0:02:31.316 kind of freaky, and then like she takes it out 0:02:31.396 --> 0:02:33.076 and suddenly they can move their shoulder. 0:02:33.716 --> 0:02:35.716 For me, like as a kid, I was like, what 0:02:35.796 --> 0:02:37.996 the heck, what is that? 0:02:38.076 --> 0:02:39.836 Like I can't see what the needles are doing, but 0:02:39.876 --> 0:02:42.516 like somehow it fixed something. I think that was the 0:02:42.516 --> 0:02:45.436 first time that medicine kind of looked more like magic 0:02:45.516 --> 0:02:48.356 for me, and I was like, I want to be 0:02:48.436 --> 0:02:51.996 a doctor. I want to connect with people. I want 0:02:52.036 --> 0:02:54.716 to help people in like a time of need. 0:02:55.196 --> 0:02:58.476 Where do you think your drive to help people come from? 0:02:59.076 --> 0:03:02.596 My mom had really severe depression, and I think that 0:03:02.676 --> 0:03:04.636 was really tough on me as a kid. I think 0:03:04.676 --> 0:03:06.796 as a kid you kind of soak up, you know, 0:03:08.036 --> 0:03:10.436 all the emotions around you. Took up way more than 0:03:10.436 --> 0:03:13.396 you think, and I think I so badly wanted to 0:03:13.436 --> 0:03:16.116 make things better for her. I just didn't know how. 0:03:17.156 --> 0:03:19.676 What was your parents response when you first told them 0:03:19.796 --> 0:03:20.916 you wanted to be a doctor. 0:03:21.596 --> 0:03:24.756 You kind of think like Asian parents, like, oh, They're like, oh, 0:03:24.836 --> 0:03:28.396 you have to be a doctor or nothing else, right. 0:03:28.356 --> 0:03:30.196 Yes, of course it's a stereotype. 0:03:30.276 --> 0:03:31.276 It's the stereotype. 0:03:31.396 --> 0:03:35.276 But my mom the first thing was like are you sure, 0:03:36.316 --> 0:03:38.556 And I was like, well, what do you mean? She 0:03:38.916 --> 0:03:42.476 really prioritized happiness and so for her, she was like, 0:03:43.356 --> 0:03:46.756 will you be happy being a doctor, because doctors that 0:03:46.836 --> 0:03:49.876 I know, like have no time for family, no time 0:03:49.916 --> 0:03:55.876 for vacation, no time for happiness and joy. So they 0:03:55.916 --> 0:04:00.876 actually tried to really distract me from medicine, like they 0:04:00.956 --> 0:04:02.276 tried everything to say like. 0:04:02.556 --> 0:04:05.996 What about this, what about research? What about engineering? 0:04:06.596 --> 0:04:08.596 But then I guess I was the one who was like, 0:04:09.196 --> 0:04:10.676 hell bent, I'm pursuing it. 0:04:11.356 --> 0:04:14.436 You end up going down this path of pre medical training, 0:04:14.596 --> 0:04:17.516 So tell me about that. What kind of resources and 0:04:17.556 --> 0:04:19.716 time did you invest in this process? 0:04:20.156 --> 0:04:23.156 Yeah, it's always interesting when someone asked me, like, how 0:04:23.156 --> 0:04:25.556 many years have you put into being a doctor, And 0:04:25.716 --> 0:04:28.796 I just I never know what to say, because is 0:04:28.796 --> 0:04:30.836 it med school? Is it med school plus undergrad? Is 0:04:30.836 --> 0:04:33.236 it medical plus undergrad plus high school? It's the sort 0:04:33.236 --> 0:04:36.076 of classic like you gotta get your GPA, you gotta 0:04:36.116 --> 0:04:38.356 do all the activities, you got to explore, you got 0:04:38.356 --> 0:04:39.156 to do research. 0:04:40.556 --> 0:04:43.996 So you were just heads down studying nights, weekends. 0:04:44.076 --> 0:04:45.796 Yeah, it was pretty brutal. 0:04:45.876 --> 0:04:47.796 Okay, so a lot of sacrifice, A lot. 0:04:47.676 --> 0:04:50.676 Of sacrifice because it's like ten twelve years of training 0:04:50.916 --> 0:04:55.316 and after MIT I ended up just hopping across the 0:04:55.396 --> 0:04:56.956 river going to Harvard Medical. 0:04:56.716 --> 0:04:59.796 School, no big deal, you know, as we all do. 0:05:01.236 --> 0:05:04.156 And then just kind of leaned into medicine. I really 0:05:04.196 --> 0:05:09.556 fell in love with the thinking behind medicine, feeling like, oh, 0:05:09.796 --> 0:05:12.596 you know, I'm putting things together in my brain. I 0:05:12.636 --> 0:05:15.196 can help this person and to be able to be 0:05:15.316 --> 0:05:18.596 there for them in that moment. The combination was pretty 0:05:18.676 --> 0:05:19.876 much what cent shift for me. 0:05:20.676 --> 0:05:24.476 So let's transition to your residency. This was the summer 0:05:24.516 --> 0:05:28.396 of twenty twenty you did your residency at UCLA. It's 0:05:28.436 --> 0:05:32.716 the height of the pandemic. What was your mindset going 0:05:32.796 --> 0:05:33.756 into residency? 0:05:34.636 --> 0:05:40.316 Oh man, I'll back up a little bit, because March 0:05:40.356 --> 0:05:44.716 twenty twenty, how I was feeling was like on top 0:05:44.756 --> 0:05:46.916 of the world. At first, you know, I was like, 0:05:47.036 --> 0:05:50.196 I'm about to graduate med school, Like I'm about to 0:05:50.276 --> 0:05:53.756 finally become a doctor. At this point, I had met 0:05:53.836 --> 0:05:56.316 my now husband, and I was like, I have met 0:05:56.316 --> 0:05:57.356 the love of my life. 0:05:58.036 --> 0:05:58.956 We're going to get. 0:05:58.756 --> 0:06:02.676 Married, We're already engaged. Things are going on track. If 0:06:02.716 --> 0:06:06.236 it's not obvious, I'm a planner, So things were going 0:06:06.236 --> 0:06:09.556 according to pay check the boxes, check the boxes, correct 0:06:09.716 --> 0:06:11.916 my timeline that I had laid out. We were on track, 0:06:12.556 --> 0:06:17.036 and COVID happened and the whole world shut down, and 0:06:17.076 --> 0:06:19.516 we decided to live with my parents to make sure, 0:06:19.676 --> 0:06:22.276 like if quarantine were to separate us, at least we're 0:06:22.316 --> 0:06:26.836 stuck together. And it was in those few months from 0:06:27.076 --> 0:06:32.996 March to May that that's when everything changed, because I 0:06:33.036 --> 0:06:38.156 started noticing that something was really not right with my dad. 0:06:39.556 --> 0:06:42.116 And he is this like I don't know how to 0:06:42.156 --> 0:06:45.956 describe it. It's like he's your like stoic Asian dad. 0:06:46.356 --> 0:06:50.636 Everything is fine, everything is cheery, no pain, everything's good. 0:06:51.476 --> 0:06:56.116 And there was one morning where I walked downstairs and 0:06:56.636 --> 0:07:01.596 I heard this like really guttural sound coming from his room. 0:07:02.036 --> 0:07:05.676 And I walked in and my dad was basically sitting 0:07:05.716 --> 0:07:10.356 up in bed, keeled over, just come completely drenched and 0:07:10.436 --> 0:07:14.676 sweat and groaning. And I was like, oh my god, 0:07:14.756 --> 0:07:18.116 what's wrong? And he said the pain was really bad 0:07:18.156 --> 0:07:21.156 and it was going to his back. And I'm like 0:07:21.196 --> 0:07:23.716 a new grat, like what do I know? But I 0:07:23.756 --> 0:07:27.156 was like, something is really really wrong. And so I 0:07:27.236 --> 0:07:30.156 ended up sending the imaging to a friend back at 0:07:30.156 --> 0:07:32.276 Harvard and she sent it to her cousin who's an 0:07:32.276 --> 0:07:36.436 abdominal radiologist, and she told me that my dad had 0:07:36.556 --> 0:07:41.516 this huge tumor in his pancreas that was basically pancretic cancer. 0:07:42.476 --> 0:07:46.676 And so I remember like walking outside in the dark 0:07:46.676 --> 0:07:49.116 because I didn't want anyone to see me. I have 0:07:49.196 --> 0:07:50.836 a thing where like I can't cry in front of 0:07:50.876 --> 0:07:56.236 my family, and honestly, I was just devastated. And it 0:07:56.316 --> 0:07:59.796 was this thing where like I was trying to process it, 0:08:00.396 --> 0:08:03.756 but at the same time like get myself together to 0:08:03.876 --> 0:08:06.956 be able to go in and tell my parents what 0:08:07.436 --> 0:08:12.596 the finding was. So that was my mindset right before residency. 0:08:13.236 --> 0:08:16.996 My dad is sick, possibly dying. I was starting residency, 0:08:17.036 --> 0:08:18.796 which is supposed to be one of the most grueling 0:08:18.796 --> 0:08:21.236 times of your life. And it was a residency during 0:08:21.276 --> 0:08:22.916 COVID in which we had no idea what the hell 0:08:23.036 --> 0:08:23.476 was going on. 0:08:24.716 --> 0:08:29.956 So let's talk about let's talk about residency amidst this 0:08:31.556 --> 0:08:34.836 perfect storm that's happening in your life. What was it 0:08:34.996 --> 0:08:36.076 like day to day? 0:08:37.476 --> 0:08:38.476 Have you ever watched The Pit? 0:08:39.316 --> 0:08:40.876 Yeah? No, I'm obsessed with the Pit. 0:08:40.956 --> 0:08:44.996 Oh okay, Yeah, it's incredibly accurate. I can't watch it. 0:08:44.996 --> 0:08:48.396 It's like too heavy. Anyway, it was a pretty brutal schedule. 0:08:48.596 --> 0:08:51.196 I would say on average, you easily worked eighty tw 0:08:51.196 --> 0:08:54.236 one hundred hours per week, and your shifts could be 0:08:54.356 --> 0:08:55.716 up to twenty eight hours long. 0:08:56.236 --> 0:08:56.836 Oh my god. 0:08:56.956 --> 0:08:59.876 You go in at seven am Tuesday morning and then 0:08:59.916 --> 0:09:04.196 you go home at Wednesday twelve one pm. And it's 0:09:04.276 --> 0:09:09.716 kind of this like non stop things happening all one 0:09:09.796 --> 0:09:10.436 after another. 0:09:10.876 --> 0:09:11.516 Yeah. 0:09:11.756 --> 0:09:14.596 And then there was this added element to all of 0:09:14.636 --> 0:09:18.076 this burden, which is that it was early months of 0:09:18.116 --> 0:09:24.916 COVID where doctors and other healthcare practitioners don't necessarily know 0:09:25.516 --> 0:09:27.556 everything they need to know about how to respond or 0:09:27.556 --> 0:09:29.916 help their patients or what all the risk factors are. 0:09:30.556 --> 0:09:32.556 So how did that compound the stress? 0:09:32.796 --> 0:09:36.796 Oh man, this was a time when there weren't enough 0:09:37.276 --> 0:09:41.116 masks and the gowns that could protect you. That at 0:09:41.196 --> 0:09:43.916 least people thought they could protect you from COVID. We 0:09:43.996 --> 0:09:46.716 didn't even know if they were truly protective. We would 0:09:46.796 --> 0:09:49.356 have these like brown paper bags that we would just 0:09:49.436 --> 0:09:52.596 hang up on the wall and after you used your mask, 0:09:52.716 --> 0:09:55.036 you would dump it into the bag and then you 0:09:55.076 --> 0:09:58.276 would reuse it, which that's actually it just doesn't work, 0:09:58.716 --> 0:10:00.036 But that's the best we had. 0:10:00.276 --> 0:10:00.556 Yeah. 0:10:01.116 --> 0:10:04.476 I would fear, of course, for like myself getting it, 0:10:05.196 --> 0:10:08.276 but it wasn't just myself, because I would go home, 0:10:08.596 --> 0:10:12.156 I would be worried about my husband getting it. I 0:10:12.236 --> 0:10:15.436 wanted to be there for my parents because during this 0:10:15.476 --> 0:10:18.076 whole time, I was still advocating for my dad, like 0:10:18.116 --> 0:10:21.196 I was still trying to push his care forward. 0:10:21.596 --> 0:10:23.556 And were you still living with your parents so were 0:10:23.556 --> 0:10:24.156 they at risk? 0:10:24.276 --> 0:10:26.596 No, so I was living in la at that time. 0:10:26.956 --> 0:10:30.036 But I would want to be delivering food to them. 0:10:30.516 --> 0:10:32.756 But like I also didn't want to expose them. So 0:10:32.916 --> 0:10:36.076 it was this constant internal battle with myself of like 0:10:36.196 --> 0:10:38.476 I needed to help my parents, but by helping them, 0:10:38.476 --> 0:10:41.476 I should actually stay away, but also like I should 0:10:41.516 --> 0:10:43.116 be trying to spend time with them just in case 0:10:43.156 --> 0:10:45.916 my dad doesn't have time left. So it was just 0:10:45.996 --> 0:10:49.916 like all of this conflicting thoughts. That was also when 0:10:49.956 --> 0:10:54.556 there was a lot of the anti Asian sentiment going around, 0:10:55.436 --> 0:10:57.796 and I was really worried, and at the time, I 0:10:57.836 --> 0:11:00.996 was like, don't go out for groceries, like just stay. 0:11:00.756 --> 0:11:04.996 Home, order in. It was just like a total nightmare. 0:11:05.676 --> 0:11:07.316 You kind of felt like you were failing on all 0:11:07.356 --> 0:11:09.716 fronts because I'd be at work and I'd be like, oh, 0:11:09.756 --> 0:11:13.276 I should be a better partner and daughter, but then 0:11:13.316 --> 0:11:14.836 like I'd be there, but then I'm trying to be 0:11:14.876 --> 0:11:19.596 a doctor and then trying to keep the grief of COVID. Honestly, 0:11:19.796 --> 0:11:23.956 like the worst of COVID surges in LA were really bad, 0:11:24.876 --> 0:11:28.716 and I would come home and I just like I'd 0:11:28.716 --> 0:11:32.956 remember getting to the door and being like, okay, like 0:11:33.356 --> 0:11:37.156 deep breath, going to leave this grief outside because there's 0:11:37.156 --> 0:11:40.396 already so much inside the house. 0:11:41.116 --> 0:11:42.956 But I think if you ask my husband I'm sure 0:11:43.236 --> 0:11:44.636 it leaked in. Yeah. 0:11:44.716 --> 0:11:47.316 Yeah, it sounds like you were very much just in 0:11:47.396 --> 0:11:53.076 survival mode, right, like, get through every day unscathed and 0:11:53.436 --> 0:11:56.916 just pope you survive the next day too. When did 0:11:56.916 --> 0:12:01.356 you first sort of recognize the toll that this environment 0:12:01.476 --> 0:12:03.996 was taking on you, both physically and mentally. 0:12:05.676 --> 0:12:10.076 There was no one defining moment or disaster for me 0:12:10.636 --> 0:12:13.036 that forced me to be like, oh my gosh, this 0:12:13.116 --> 0:12:16.196 won't do. I almost saw myself as this piece of 0:12:16.316 --> 0:12:21.436 glass and it got a crack, and you get up 0:12:21.476 --> 0:12:23.676 and you try to put a little band aid on it, 0:12:23.916 --> 0:12:26.356 and then another crack, and another and another, and then 0:12:26.356 --> 0:12:28.116 you kind of just wonder, at what point is it 0:12:28.196 --> 0:12:34.036 just gonna shatter? But I think the first time where 0:12:34.076 --> 0:12:37.636 I was kind of forced into reality was actually in 0:12:37.716 --> 0:12:40.396 November of twenty twenty, so I was about six months 0:12:40.396 --> 0:12:43.716 into residency. My dad had just gotten most of his 0:12:43.836 --> 0:12:48.436 chemo done, and on the bright side, my dad actually 0:12:48.436 --> 0:12:51.716 responded really well to the chemo. The surgeon said, you 0:12:51.716 --> 0:12:53.436 know what, I think it's shrunk enough that I think 0:12:53.476 --> 0:12:54.716 we can try to take it. 0:12:54.676 --> 0:12:57.036 Out, but let's do it quickly. Let's do it. 0:12:57.156 --> 0:13:01.476 End of November and two days before my dad was 0:13:01.476 --> 0:13:06.316 supposed to get surgery at UCLA. I had one of 0:13:06.356 --> 0:13:10.436 the most intense abdominal pains that I've ever experienced in 0:13:10.516 --> 0:13:15.116 my life. And when I showed up in the emergency room, 0:13:15.396 --> 0:13:18.596 the things that went through my mind it's like super 0:13:18.676 --> 0:13:22.356 sad to even think about. The first was wait, wait, wait, 0:13:22.396 --> 0:13:26.396 like I can't afford to be here because my dad 0:13:26.436 --> 0:13:28.276 has his surgery in two days and I have to 0:13:28.276 --> 0:13:29.836 be there for him and my family. 0:13:30.516 --> 0:13:32.556 What the heck is this? Like get me out kind 0:13:32.596 --> 0:13:32.876 of thing. 0:13:33.716 --> 0:13:37.676 The second was dang it, like this is the middle 0:13:37.676 --> 0:13:41.396 of the night, I have to work the next day. 0:13:41.396 --> 0:13:43.956 What am I gonna do? And maybe I. 0:13:43.876 --> 0:13:47.636 Did register it on some level that something has to give, 0:13:49.236 --> 0:13:53.636 But the thought in my mind was like, well, it's 0:13:53.636 --> 0:13:56.516 not like I can stop being my dad's daughter. I 0:13:56.516 --> 0:13:59.476 can't stop being a resident, Like what am I supposed 0:13:59.516 --> 0:14:01.156 to do? Like, so there was no choice but to 0:14:01.196 --> 0:14:03.916 kind of keep going. And it was like everyone suffers 0:14:03.956 --> 0:14:07.116 in residency, Like we all do this, so just keep going, 0:14:07.196 --> 0:14:09.356 Like what's wrong with you? 0:14:09.356 --> 0:14:13.236 You encoded this as a sign of personal weakness. 0:14:13.596 --> 0:14:15.836 Yeah, I thought of like why can't I be better? 0:14:15.916 --> 0:14:18.196 What's wrong with me? It was kind of like I 0:14:18.236 --> 0:14:22.756 was blaming myself, and then I felt guilty actually because 0:14:22.796 --> 0:14:25.356 also I was like, oh my god, I'm worrying my family. 0:14:26.236 --> 0:14:28.476 They should just be focused on the surgery, and now 0:14:28.516 --> 0:14:31.356 I'm putting them through this extra worry. 0:14:32.516 --> 0:14:35.436 Yeah, what struck me and what you said. And I 0:14:35.476 --> 0:14:39.076 think many people can relate to this level of self sacrifice, 0:14:39.116 --> 0:14:42.156 as you said, Well, I can't stop being my dad's daughter, 0:14:42.276 --> 0:14:44.996 and I can't stop being a resident. I guess I'll 0:14:44.996 --> 0:14:47.116 just have to stop caring about myself. Yeah, I mean 0:14:47.156 --> 0:14:49.236 that's essentially what you did. Oh, I can just stop 0:14:49.676 --> 0:14:52.996 investing in this body and this human that I am 0:14:53.116 --> 0:14:59.316 right now. And I imagine many people have to confront 0:14:59.316 --> 0:15:02.876 that at times where they're a caregiver or they have 0:15:02.916 --> 0:15:08.196 an incredibly demanding job and it's just their own needs 0:15:08.516 --> 0:15:10.876 come life. If at all, it sounds like you didn't 0:15:10.876 --> 0:15:14.076 even put yourself on the list. Yeah, you took yourself 0:15:14.076 --> 0:15:15.356 off the list entirely. 0:15:16.636 --> 0:15:17.716 Yeah, I think I did. 0:15:17.996 --> 0:15:21.156 But it's crazy because in the moment, like I would 0:15:21.196 --> 0:15:23.796 like to say that I'm a somewhat reflective person, like 0:15:23.876 --> 0:15:27.356 I think a lot about how I'm thinking, and yet 0:15:27.796 --> 0:15:32.316 just totally miss this in the moment, like it just 0:15:32.436 --> 0:15:33.876 wasn't even a thing. 0:15:34.796 --> 0:15:38.116 I think, when you are so maximally stressed and you 0:15:38.116 --> 0:15:43.916 have zero mental bandwidth, who would have the ability to introspect. 0:15:43.956 --> 0:15:46.796 I mean, you're barely sleeping, you barely have time to eat, 0:15:47.076 --> 0:15:51.116 you're working ungodly shift lengths. I'm not surprised at all 0:15:51.396 --> 0:15:55.196 that that would be sort of the instinctual response what 0:15:55.556 --> 0:15:57.756 was the nature of your pain and what did that 0:15:57.836 --> 0:15:58.676 mean for your work? 0:15:59.116 --> 0:16:02.836 So I found out that my pain was actually intestinal spasms, 0:16:03.956 --> 0:16:07.716 which can happen in stress or like a body's response 0:16:07.756 --> 0:16:10.676 to stress. And at the time I didn't really realize 0:16:10.676 --> 0:16:12.596 where that was really coming from. I just thought, oh, 0:16:12.636 --> 0:16:16.276 I'm stressed with my dad's surgery and residency, like duh. 0:16:16.316 --> 0:16:18.556 But the doctor came in and said like, oh, I 0:16:18.596 --> 0:16:21.916 think you just need to rest more, and then laughed 0:16:22.716 --> 0:16:25.876 because she knew I was a resident. And I was like, 0:16:25.996 --> 0:16:29.756 I don't know if that's making me feel better or worse, 0:16:30.436 --> 0:16:33.196 because it's kind of like she said it as like 0:16:33.316 --> 0:16:35.516 this is all you need. You don't have cancer, you 0:16:35.516 --> 0:16:38.316 don't have some disease. You know you're gonna be fine. 0:16:38.356 --> 0:16:40.716 You just have to rest. But like knowing that it was, 0:16:41.636 --> 0:16:42.996 you know, impossible. 0:16:43.676 --> 0:16:45.916 Yeah, I was going to ask you whether that particular 0:16:45.956 --> 0:16:51.356 diagnosis actually further perpetuated your self narrative of weakness. And 0:16:51.396 --> 0:16:53.476 by the way, I think stress is as physical as 0:16:53.556 --> 0:16:56.956 any other thing in the body, but psychologically we can 0:16:57.036 --> 0:16:59.916 code that differently, we can carry a different emotional valance 0:16:59.956 --> 0:17:04.116 for us. And so I'm curious to know whether you thought, yeah, Felicia, 0:17:04.356 --> 0:17:07.356 this is on you tough enough. Yeah, deal with your 0:17:07.396 --> 0:17:09.796 stress better a thousand persons, that's the culture here. 0:17:09.876 --> 0:17:14.556 Yeah, everyone is stressed. Come on, you know, like everyone 0:17:14.636 --> 0:17:18.596 gets through it. Just deal with it. I felt so pathetic. 0:17:19.396 --> 0:17:22.756 My worst fear actually was that I needed surgery. So 0:17:22.916 --> 0:17:24.636 that part of me was like, Okay, good, I don't 0:17:24.676 --> 0:17:27.716 need surgery. But in some ways it made me think like, oh, 0:17:27.716 --> 0:17:30.436 it's not that big of a deal either, because if 0:17:30.476 --> 0:17:32.076 it's just stress, I can just keep going. 0:17:34.716 --> 0:17:38.476 When we return, Felicia tries to muscle her way through residency. 0:17:38.956 --> 0:17:41.116 We'll be back in a moment with a slight change 0:17:41.116 --> 0:18:02.876 of plans, and it's all the stress Felicia was facing 0:18:02.916 --> 0:18:05.756 in her residency. There was one piece of good news 0:18:05.796 --> 0:18:09.156 in her personal life, her dad's surgery to remove the 0:18:09.196 --> 0:18:12.956 tumor and his pancreas had gone well. He was recovering, 0:18:13.596 --> 0:18:16.276 but Felicia's health it was only getting worse. 0:18:17.556 --> 0:18:17.756 You know. 0:18:17.956 --> 0:18:20.116 I referenced the cracks before in the glass. 0:18:20.876 --> 0:18:23.196 More and more and more cracks were coming up, like 0:18:23.276 --> 0:18:25.676 more than I could keep track of. It was this 0:18:25.756 --> 0:18:30.916 sort of rapidly increasing deterioration of my body. At one point, 0:18:31.316 --> 0:18:33.996 I was coming off of a twenty eight hour shift 0:18:34.356 --> 0:18:38.196 that had turned into twenty nine, and I noticed this 0:18:38.396 --> 0:18:41.836 really annoying rash on my neck starting to go into 0:18:41.876 --> 0:18:45.476 my ear. And it's one of those things where as 0:18:46.036 --> 0:18:48.836 a resident, you're like, Eh, it's fine, you just kind 0:18:48.836 --> 0:18:52.036 of move on. But then I realized, like, oh my god, 0:18:52.556 --> 0:18:57.716 is this shingles? And I don't know if you know shingles, 0:18:57.796 --> 0:19:01.956 but it's very much associated with sixty five year old 0:19:02.276 --> 0:19:07.116 or older aminocompromised, neither of which I was. That was 0:19:07.116 --> 0:19:10.196 probably the first time that I really looked at like wow, 0:19:10.316 --> 0:19:15.076 Like I came to the point where I'm effectively imminocompromised. 0:19:16.036 --> 0:19:20.436 What is wrong with my body? And this is where 0:19:20.476 --> 0:19:22.876 it gets a little heavy. But when I was a kid, 0:19:22.916 --> 0:19:27.076 I had a really traumatic experience with sexual abuse that 0:19:27.236 --> 0:19:30.476 forced me to grow up at the age of seven, 0:19:30.916 --> 0:19:33.676 and at the time, I kept it a secret because 0:19:33.676 --> 0:19:35.596 I thought that's what I had to do until I 0:19:35.636 --> 0:19:39.516 was eighteen. And I think the manifestations of hiding that 0:19:39.636 --> 0:19:43.396 trauma in my body is what kind of it makes 0:19:43.396 --> 0:19:47.796 my body respond to stress differently and was making my 0:19:47.836 --> 0:19:52.596 body not cope with all of this additional stress, like 0:19:52.596 --> 0:19:55.036 the intestinal spasms. And this was the first time where 0:19:55.036 --> 0:19:58.636 I was like, oh, there are reasons that I'm breaking 0:19:58.676 --> 0:20:01.796 down in a way that maybe other people aren't. Most 0:20:01.796 --> 0:20:04.596 people after a twenty eight hour would go home and sleep, 0:20:05.036 --> 0:20:08.756 they would get rest. For me, like I have an 0:20:08.796 --> 0:20:13.236 intense stomach ache after really traumatizing COVID, I see you 0:20:13.276 --> 0:20:16.036 shift and I'd go home and I like, I wouldn't 0:20:16.036 --> 0:20:20.836 be able to sleep. And honestly, it reached this point 0:20:20.876 --> 0:20:25.196 where two things happened. The first was I will never 0:20:25.276 --> 0:20:28.876 forget this moment in the car. It was such a 0:20:28.876 --> 0:20:32.596 heartbreaking moment for me and my husband when he looked 0:20:32.596 --> 0:20:34.436 at me and I was on the way to the 0:20:34.716 --> 0:20:39.516 er and he said, I can't keep taking you to 0:20:39.556 --> 0:20:43.556 the er, like I just I can't handle this emotionally, 0:20:43.636 --> 0:20:45.756 like it's taking a lot on me, Like I'm not 0:20:45.756 --> 0:20:49.156 trying to make it about myself, but it's just a lot. 0:20:49.556 --> 0:20:56.036 And I think it took seeing someone else suffer on 0:20:56.076 --> 0:21:00.436 my behalf for me to be like, oh my god, wait, 0:21:00.716 --> 0:21:03.476 like this isn't just about me, Like I'm not just 0:21:03.556 --> 0:21:06.916 doing this to myself at this point. The second thing 0:21:06.996 --> 0:21:11.116 was that I realized, like I wasn't rerecizing myself. I'm 0:21:11.156 --> 0:21:13.836 aware when I'm not acting like myself, and it makes 0:21:13.876 --> 0:21:16.196 me more annoyed that I'm not being myself. 0:21:16.556 --> 0:21:18.796 I want to know how you were not being yourself. 0:21:19.516 --> 0:21:23.596 So I was at our twenty nine of a call. 0:21:24.476 --> 0:21:26.916 At this point, I had slept on literally two chairs 0:21:26.916 --> 0:21:29.516 that I had put together, ketchup stained two chairs in 0:21:29.556 --> 0:21:31.876 a call room. That was my brief fifteen minutes of 0:21:31.916 --> 0:21:34.396 sleep overnight, and all I could think about I was like, 0:21:35.276 --> 0:21:37.156 thank God, I made it to the end. 0:21:37.396 --> 0:21:38.316 I want to go home. 0:21:39.156 --> 0:21:41.676 And right before I was going to sign out, which 0:21:41.676 --> 0:21:45.356 is when you transfer over care to another resident coming in, 0:21:46.276 --> 0:21:50.996 they announced code like a code blue on the intercom, 0:21:51.156 --> 0:21:55.156 which basically means patient either as pulseless, not breathing. 0:21:55.276 --> 0:21:59.036 One of those and to remind. 0:21:58.676 --> 0:22:02.996 You, like the kid Felicia right, who just yeah, it 0:22:03.076 --> 0:22:08.276 felt like I had so much to give. Fast forwarding 0:22:08.356 --> 0:22:12.076 to myself, it was like the first thought that went 0:22:12.116 --> 0:22:15.436 through my mind, I'm so ashamed of this, was like, 0:22:16.876 --> 0:22:21.876 why couldn't he have coded twenty minutes from now? And 0:22:21.956 --> 0:22:25.676 I was like, oh my god, I cannot believe that. 0:22:25.676 --> 0:22:29.076 That is what I thought in that moment. And this 0:22:29.236 --> 0:22:32.316 was a patient I deeply cared for, reminded me of 0:22:32.356 --> 0:22:36.316 my own dad, And that's what came out of me. 0:22:37.276 --> 0:22:42.716 I wasn't recognizing myself and when I got home, did 0:22:42.756 --> 0:22:43.596 not sleep. 0:22:44.756 --> 0:22:47.476 Walk me through your thought process at that point? How 0:22:47.516 --> 0:22:51.036 were you thinking about whether to stay or whether to leave? 0:22:51.836 --> 0:22:52.156 For me? 0:22:52.356 --> 0:22:56.116 Like I needed a pro con list, Like I wrote 0:22:56.156 --> 0:23:00.436 this whole thing out with my husband and essentially kind 0:23:00.436 --> 0:23:03.556 of boiled it down like staying was for other people. 0:23:03.636 --> 0:23:03.796 Right? 0:23:03.956 --> 0:23:06.676