WEBVTT - BA Q&A: How To Set A Boundary 0:00:06.120 --> 0:00:09.200 It's time for the b a q a A. 0:00:09.560 --> 0:00:11.879 The b a q A what you say, the b 0:00:12.119 --> 0:00:15.480 a q a man, good b a q with two 0:00:15.560 --> 0:00:16.600 today the b a. 0:00:16.960 --> 0:00:21.880 Q a A. We're back and black in the studio 0:00:22.120 --> 0:00:26.760 in the stew uh. So we have If you have questions, 0:00:26.800 --> 0:00:30.520 we have some answers. But as a gentle reminder, we're 0:00:30.600 --> 0:00:36.000 not your mama. No, we're not your lawyer, your doctor, 0:00:36.240 --> 0:00:37.000 your you. 0:00:37.000 --> 0:00:41.520 Know, we are your favorite cute black girl into their cousins. 0:00:42.080 --> 0:00:43.839 Who know, I'm thinking too about money and career and 0:00:43.880 --> 0:00:47.879 business and things. But you don't pay us, so that 0:00:47.960 --> 0:00:51.720 means we are not legally bound to answer your questions 0:00:51.840 --> 0:00:53.560 or and also too, we just want you to say 0:00:53.600 --> 0:00:56.240 take what we say with the grain of salt, and 0:00:56.320 --> 0:00:58.320 you know, and and then leaning to the people that 0:00:58.400 --> 0:01:00.360 you do pay, you know you can run it past them. 0:01:00.360 --> 0:01:03.760 So that being said, if you have questions to send 0:01:03.760 --> 0:01:06.600 them on in questions about business, about career, about money, 0:01:06.640 --> 0:01:09.280 about life, you know, you can send them. 0:01:09.160 --> 0:01:10.880 On Vagina's Apparently we talked about that. 0:01:10.959 --> 0:01:15.200 Now you can send us podcast dot com click ask 0:01:15.280 --> 0:01:21.119 us anything. We're the BA podcast on Twitter and then 0:01:21.160 --> 0:01:23.399 brought a Vision Podcasts on ig So you can send 0:01:23.480 --> 0:01:26.600 us some messages and you know, and we might answer 0:01:26.640 --> 0:01:30.520 your question. We're gonna do money questions today. You want 0:01:30.520 --> 0:01:31.960 me to read the first one, Mandro, you want to 0:01:32.000 --> 0:01:32.280 read that? 0:01:32.840 --> 0:01:34.720 Yeah, let's go for it. Jump on in there. It's 0:01:34.760 --> 0:01:36.720 been so long and you guys have so many questions, 0:01:36.800 --> 0:01:38.680 so yes, I think you need to start chipping away 0:01:38.680 --> 0:01:38.960 at these. 0:01:39.920 --> 0:01:42.959 So we have a question from nine in. She says, Hi, 0:01:43.000 --> 0:01:45.000 Tiffany and Mandy. I'm a huge fan of your podcast 0:01:45.040 --> 0:01:47.560 and have learned quite a lot from you both. I'm 0:01:47.600 --> 0:01:51.160 considering getting a new airline credit card for the benefit 0:01:51.400 --> 0:01:54.600 of the flight promotional credit and free check bag, which 0:01:54.600 --> 0:01:57.680 would otherwise require a thirty dollars fee. This would completely 0:01:57.720 --> 0:02:01.640 cover the airfare for an upcoming trip. I already have 0:02:01.680 --> 0:02:03.280 a few cards, though, and I'm working on paying off 0:02:03.280 --> 0:02:05.560 the balances. Would it be a wise idea to get 0:02:05.600 --> 0:02:08.720 the new airline credit card for only the promotion. After 0:02:08.760 --> 0:02:11.400 the credit, I wouldn't use it further unless I should 0:02:11.440 --> 0:02:14.240 make a one time unless I should make a one 0:02:14.280 --> 0:02:16.760 time small monthly payment on it to build credit or 0:02:16.760 --> 0:02:17.720 completely cancel it. 0:02:18.080 --> 0:02:21.679 Thanks nine In. I like that name, Ninan. That's pretty. 0:02:23.000 --> 0:02:25.200 Ooh, this is good because I mean I actually was 0:02:25.280 --> 0:02:28.280 just on a plane. Obviously we both were, but I 0:02:28.320 --> 0:02:30.680 flew Jet Blue to Costa Rica and on the way back, 0:02:30.760 --> 0:02:33.440 I mean that fifty percent discount on the twelve dollars 0:02:33.560 --> 0:02:36.000 miniature kale salad that I have would have been nice 0:02:36.320 --> 0:02:38.360 with the Jet Blue card. And then they wait until 0:02:38.360 --> 0:02:40.520 like the last ten minutes of the flight. Then they 0:02:40.520 --> 0:02:42.519 come through. They do the big announcement over the speaker, 0:02:42.520 --> 0:02:44.519 and I'm like, I'm trying to finish my movie, but like, fine, 0:02:44.560 --> 0:02:46.880 we'll listen to your credit card pitch. And they come 0:02:46.919 --> 0:02:50.160 down the aisle with the brochures like sixty five thousand miles, 0:02:50.360 --> 0:02:52.160 you know, one time offer on this flight, you know. 0:02:52.240 --> 0:02:55.800 So it's super tempting. But I think what concerns me 0:02:56.000 --> 0:02:59.960 or just like raises my my my alert man dealer 0:03:00.560 --> 0:03:02.520 from her question is the fact that she already has 0:03:02.600 --> 0:03:06.560 cards she's trying to pay the balances off on and 0:03:06.639 --> 0:03:09.600 that she says, I'll stop using it. But I kind 0:03:09.680 --> 0:03:11.280 of feel like that may not be the case. It's 0:03:11.320 --> 0:03:13.960 really easy to say that now, but you keep that 0:03:14.040 --> 0:03:16.280 card and then mid other trip's going to pop up 0:03:16.440 --> 0:03:17.520 and it's like, well, I just put it on this 0:03:17.560 --> 0:03:19.320 card to get the points, and then before you know, 0:03:19.360 --> 0:03:21.600 you have another card with a balance that you're carrying, 0:03:22.880 --> 0:03:25.680 and unless it's a zero percent intro APR, then you're 0:03:25.680 --> 0:03:27.360 gonna end up paying interest on it, and it's just 0:03:27.400 --> 0:03:30.800 gonna be like you have to think about the money 0:03:30.840 --> 0:03:34.359 you be spending on interest at that point. Plus, those 0:03:34.360 --> 0:03:37.000 cards with the best benefits sometimes have like high annual fees. 0:03:37.800 --> 0:03:40.080 You know. I think our Chase Good Time Card that 0:03:40.120 --> 0:03:42.360 we both have the Chase reserve, they want say annual 0:03:42.360 --> 0:03:44.960 feenw like five hundred, four hundred or something like that. 0:03:45.600 --> 0:03:49.200 It ain't cheap, you know. So that's something too. That's 0:03:49.280 --> 0:03:50.760 just something that jumped out at me. 0:03:50.840 --> 0:03:53.760 What do you say, Tiff, I say, I'm not a 0:03:53.800 --> 0:03:58.600 big fan of cards for specific companies like card just 0:03:58.600 --> 0:04:03.320 for Express car, just forget, you know, because you know, 0:04:03.400 --> 0:04:06.960 the benefits are limited typically to just that one organization. 0:04:07.360 --> 0:04:10.240 I remember you, Mandy, you were telling me how I 0:04:10.280 --> 0:04:11.480 was renovating and you were. 0:04:11.360 --> 0:04:12.880 Like, are you going to get a Home Depot card? 0:04:12.880 --> 0:04:14.640 And I considered it because I was buying a ton 0:04:14.640 --> 0:04:16.680 of stuff from home Depot, but I ended up using 0:04:16.680 --> 0:04:18.719 my Chase Good Time Card. Like it's really called the 0:04:18.760 --> 0:04:20.760 Chase Venture, but me and Maddy just be teasing. 0:04:20.880 --> 0:04:21.360 No, it's not. 0:04:21.480 --> 0:04:23.080 It's called the Chase Reserve. 0:04:25.960 --> 0:04:28.400 Call this. That's why Mandy calls it to Chase good Time, 0:04:28.440 --> 0:04:30.280 because not she doesn't know it, because she knows I 0:04:30.320 --> 0:04:33.640 don't know. I'm like, Ochase, run and get him, you know, 0:04:34.080 --> 0:04:37.520 fly with Me card. So what I like about him 0:04:37.720 --> 0:04:39.520 is that and I use that instead of the Home 0:04:39.560 --> 0:04:43.719 Depot is that I wanted the benefits to last beyond 0:04:44.120 --> 0:04:45.760 just shopping at Home Depot because I knew it was 0:04:45.800 --> 0:04:48.320 just a few months of me like like using home 0:04:48.360 --> 0:04:51.919 Depot to renovate. And so with those purchases, I was 0:04:51.920 --> 0:04:54.400 able to get cash back, I was able to earn 0:04:54.480 --> 0:04:57.080 points for a flight. I was able to like I 0:04:57.160 --> 0:04:59.040 typically like, if I'm going to get a credit card, 0:04:59.040 --> 0:05:00.600 which you sound like you don't need right now because 0:05:00.600 --> 0:05:02.760 you have cards you're paying off. But let's just say 0:05:03.320 --> 0:05:05.240 that you didn't have credit cards that you were paying off, 0:05:05.279 --> 0:05:07.359 or you have cards and they're already paid off and 0:05:07.400 --> 0:05:09.039 you were looking for a new card. 0:05:09.120 --> 0:05:10.440 To help with your travel. 0:05:10.920 --> 0:05:14.440 I would look for an overall general card where the 0:05:14.520 --> 0:05:18.320 benefits are more wider reaching, not for one specific airline, 0:05:18.440 --> 0:05:20.279 but like a card that you can get cash back, 0:05:20.360 --> 0:05:23.480 you can earn point you can earn points to like hotels. 0:05:24.120 --> 0:05:26.159 You know, that's what I that's what I would suggest, 0:05:26.440 --> 0:05:29.080 but I right now, honestly, I would slow down as 0:05:29.080 --> 0:05:33.160 you're paying down, I would slow down on getting a 0:05:33.160 --> 0:05:34.880 card just because you don't want to start to like, 0:05:35.480 --> 0:05:37.840 you know, the best piece of advice when you're in 0:05:37.880 --> 0:05:40.240 a ditch is to put the shovel down. And so 0:05:40.480 --> 0:05:42.240 that credit card is a shovel and I want you 0:05:42.279 --> 0:05:45.320 to keep digging nine in so hopefully. 0:05:45.360 --> 0:05:47.240 Yeah, Another thing to think about is like those cards 0:05:47.279 --> 0:05:50.120 often require you to spend money to get that benefit. 0:05:50.560 --> 0:05:53.280 It's like if you spend three thousand dollars in the 0:05:53.279 --> 0:05:57.159 first ninety days, so like, can you afford that much? 0:05:57.200 --> 0:05:59.680 Because that's more than a three hundred dollars flight credit 0:06:00.160 --> 0:06:05.839 would be. So I would say, nah, pass so you 0:06:05.839 --> 0:06:07.279 can you know, pay for the flight the one time. 0:06:07.320 --> 0:06:10.239 And you know, think about what Tiff said about getting 0:06:10.279 --> 0:06:12.360 like a more general travel card, especially if you're not 0:06:12.440 --> 0:06:16.480 traveling back and forth under control. Yeah, but thank you 0:06:16.560 --> 0:06:18.640 so much for your question, miss nine and with the 0:06:18.680 --> 0:06:21.520 pretty name, Let's take a quick breaking break and be 0:06:21.600 --> 0:06:23.600 right back for a real, that's one. I'm like rolling 0:06:23.640 --> 0:06:25.600 my shoulders back for it because I feel like Tiff 0:06:25.640 --> 0:06:28.760 and I. We're gonna go cool and I'll give you 0:06:28.800 --> 0:06:31.159 all a hint. The question is from my is the 0:06:31.240 --> 0:06:35.080 question uh is written by my dear sister. Okay, so 0:06:35.080 --> 0:06:39.440 we're getting into the family drama. Y'll be right back. Hey, hey, 0:06:39.520 --> 0:06:42.840 ba fam, It's Mandy and we have some exciting news 0:06:42.880 --> 0:06:46.560 for y'all. We have been nominated for our third Webby Award. 0:06:46.640 --> 0:06:49.440 That's right, for twenty twenty three. We are now in 0:06:49.480 --> 0:06:52.599 the running for the People's Choice Award for Best Business 0:06:52.600 --> 0:06:55.800 Podcast Individual Episode, and we need your help to win. 0:06:56.600 --> 0:06:58.960 Voting is quick and easy. Just hit the link in 0:06:59.000 --> 0:07:02.080 the description of this episode or head to our website 0:07:02.120 --> 0:07:06.080 at Brownambition podcast dot com. Winning this award would mean 0:07:06.120 --> 0:07:08.599 the world to us, y'all. 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We are back with a juicy, 0:07:41.960 --> 0:07:45.280 juicy question that immediately I was like, let's do this. 0:07:45.480 --> 0:07:47.160 I know we have loss to say on this matter. 0:07:48.080 --> 0:07:50.880 And both of us have sisters and families, and yeah, 0:07:50.920 --> 0:07:53.600 it get it can get a little challenging when there's 0:07:53.680 --> 0:07:56.680 income disparities within the family, So let's get into it. 0:07:56.720 --> 0:07:59.280 This comes from someone who would like to be called 0:07:59.320 --> 0:08:02.000 my dear so her and she says, I have a 0:08:02.040 --> 0:08:04.920 sister who I adore. She and her husband have two 0:08:05.000 --> 0:08:08.360 young children. They recently made a big transition and moved 0:08:08.360 --> 0:08:11.080 halfway across the country to be closer to us her family. 0:08:11.600 --> 0:08:14.080 She has always struggled with her finances, holding on to 0:08:14.200 --> 0:08:16.480 what she has since she is a major spender but 0:08:16.560 --> 0:08:20.000 not a budgeter. They could be considered wealthy, but they 0:08:20.040 --> 0:08:23.040 live extremely paycheck to paycheck due to some lavish choices 0:08:23.080 --> 0:08:26.560 they continue to make over and over. Something major happens 0:08:26.560 --> 0:08:28.880 and they can't pay their bills or afford the expense. 0:08:29.040 --> 0:08:31.320 So she comes to my mom and dad, who are 0:08:31.320 --> 0:08:34.600 retired to ask for help. But recently she's become asking. 0:08:34.720 --> 0:08:37.920 She's begun asking me for help. I'm ten years younger 0:08:37.960 --> 0:08:40.439 than her, live alone, and have a high paying job, 0:08:40.960 --> 0:08:42.760 and I'm putting in the work to end the cycle 0:08:42.800 --> 0:08:45.080 of debt from my family. In my own life, I 0:08:45.080 --> 0:08:47.760 have a financial advisor who I work closely with to 0:08:47.840 --> 0:08:50.280 budget and set myself up for the future. I have 0:08:50.360 --> 0:08:52.560 tried to talk to my sister about getting help and 0:08:52.600 --> 0:08:55.440 working with someone, but she's not open to it at all. 0:08:56.360 --> 0:08:58.880 She feels like she just needs to earn more. What 0:08:58.960 --> 0:09:01.360 should I do. I want to help her because she's family, 0:09:01.480 --> 0:09:03.640 but I also don't want to enable her because she 0:09:03.679 --> 0:09:06.920 refuses to get help. I just don't know what to do. 0:09:09.160 --> 0:09:13.080 Dear system before let it go? 0:09:13.840 --> 0:09:18.600 Oh yes, let it go. Which is like because when 0:09:18.600 --> 0:09:21.319 I was thinking about trying to educate people who are 0:09:21.320 --> 0:09:24.280 not ready to be educated, it's like a losing battle. 0:09:24.320 --> 0:09:26.959 At that point. You know, it's one thing if they 0:09:27.000 --> 0:09:29.560 come to you and ask, But when you and I 0:09:29.640 --> 0:09:31.520 have been that person, when you think that you know 0:09:31.640 --> 0:09:33.280 better and you want to coach them, and you can 0:09:33.320 --> 0:09:35.200 see how clear it is if they just listen to me, 0:09:35.800 --> 0:09:39.040 and it's family. There's just something ingrained in our DNA 0:09:39.200 --> 0:09:43.160 to just not absorb anything that our siblings say to us, 0:09:43.200 --> 0:09:46.120 like you know, and it may I don't think that 0:09:46.160 --> 0:09:48.560 you need to be the hero in that situation, and 0:09:48.600 --> 0:09:50.960 it's going to cause you more stress to try to 0:09:50.960 --> 0:09:54.600 fix it, you know. And I found myself in that position, 0:09:54.679 --> 0:09:56.480 especially what we do to if, like we talked about 0:09:56.520 --> 0:09:59.160 that before, y'all listen to us, y'all think we're real smart. 0:09:59.360 --> 0:10:01.760 You send us your questions. I don't get any from 0:10:01.760 --> 0:10:06.400 my family, even my husband, you know, And I just 0:10:06.480 --> 0:10:08.280 kind of like, oh, they'll find out on their own 0:10:08.320 --> 0:10:11.840 and their own way. But it's different right when it 0:10:11.880 --> 0:10:14.880 comes to your pockets, and they don't want your advice, 0:10:14.920 --> 0:10:18.839 they want money. So what do you say to that, Tiff? 0:10:18.880 --> 0:10:21.760 I think both of us have had situations where you 0:10:21.800 --> 0:10:23.480 have been and I was even with my family. 0:10:23.600 --> 0:10:28.040 Oh, baby Lisa, where I have to set a boundary, 0:10:28.720 --> 0:10:31.880 and I literally set one recently, like. 0:10:32.280 --> 0:10:33.880 Maybe, like you know, less than six months ago. 0:10:34.320 --> 0:10:37.080 She called and I said, if this is to ask 0:10:37.200 --> 0:10:41.200 for money, just I want this to be so important 0:10:41.200 --> 0:10:44.400 to you because this is last and final, like for life. 0:10:45.240 --> 0:10:47.880 And she was thought about it, and she was like, so, 0:10:47.960 --> 0:10:48.559 how's your day? 0:10:48.600 --> 0:10:52.240 I said, exactly because she wanted that one get I said, 0:10:52.280 --> 0:10:54.440 so I want you to ask yourself, is this my 0:10:54.600 --> 0:10:55.160 get out of. 0:10:55.280 --> 0:10:58.439 Jail jail jail free car? Like you know she was. 0:10:58.520 --> 0:11:00.800 I wasn't even confident. I said, Oh, I'm just letting 0:11:00.800 --> 0:11:03.680 you know that, like you know, because so here's my rule. 0:11:03.720 --> 0:11:06.720 So this is literally what I tell all my sisters 0:11:06.760 --> 0:11:08.440 and my friends who I'm close enough that I would 0:11:08.520 --> 0:11:10.320 lend money to, even though I'm not a money lender. 0:11:10.440 --> 0:11:13.240 Typically I'll just give you like if you're really needing it. 0:11:13.400 --> 0:11:15.120 Like, so my rule is, and this is what I 0:11:15.160 --> 0:11:18.280 told my baby sister, Lisa is I told her. I said, 0:11:18.320 --> 0:11:20.000 the rule is you're not allowed to be homeless. 0:11:20.000 --> 0:11:20.720 You're not allowed to be. 0:11:20.800 --> 0:11:25.480 Hungry, meaning don't ever get to such a dire state 0:11:25.960 --> 0:11:29.079 that it would put you in physical peril, you know. 0:11:29.720 --> 0:11:31.760 So like, if that's the case, obviously come to me, 0:11:31.840 --> 0:11:34.520 because at the very least you could always eat here 0:11:34.559 --> 0:11:36.720 and you can stay with me, you know, So don't 0:11:36.760 --> 0:11:37.920 think like, oh, I got to be on my own 0:11:37.920 --> 0:11:41.720 and struggle struggle through it all, you know, within reason, Yes, 0:11:41.760 --> 0:11:43.600 I want you to look at yourself as your first 0:11:43.640 --> 0:11:46.520 line of defense. But don't go hungry you're homeless, that's 0:11:46.640 --> 0:11:49.560 you know, we're not doing that here. But I cannot 0:11:49.640 --> 0:11:52.400 be your first, second, and third line of defense, you know. 0:11:52.720 --> 0:11:55.480 And so it's okay for people to have bad credit 0:11:55.520 --> 0:11:56.080 for a little while. 0:11:56.080 --> 0:11:58.960 They'll live. It's okay for bills to be late, They'll live. 0:11:59.160 --> 0:12:01.000 Because that's the only way you're gonna learn, Like you. 0:12:00.960 --> 0:12:03.839 Have to get sometimes back pushed up against the wall 0:12:04.400 --> 0:12:07.000 to then lean into yourself and be resourceful. 0:12:07.000 --> 0:12:08.440 I mean, I know your sister's older. 0:12:08.920 --> 0:12:10.800 My sister's the youngest set of five, and if I'm 0:12:10.800 --> 0:12:12.080 being honest, we coddled. 0:12:11.720 --> 0:12:13.240 Her, we babied her. 0:12:13.640 --> 0:12:17.000 I am nine years older than her, so you know, 0:12:17.040 --> 0:12:19.240 there's such a huge difference. So she's like, oh, the baby, mean, 0:12:19.240 --> 0:12:26.560 while Lisa's a whole, like thirty three. Yeah, And so 0:12:26.720 --> 0:12:28.839 she didn't get here by herself. You know, there's these 0:12:28.880 --> 0:12:32.239 bad habits that we have, you know, encouraged and cultivated. 0:12:32.360 --> 0:12:34.360 But then finally I had to be like no, and 0:12:34.440 --> 0:12:36.440 she is figuring it out, but I wanted her to 0:12:36.480 --> 0:12:39.440 know that you have a safety net, Like I want 0:12:39.440 --> 0:12:41.120 you to figure it out, but I do not want 0:12:41.120 --> 0:12:43.640 you to be in peril, you know, And so the 0:12:43.679 --> 0:12:46.119 key is really like it's not easy to set boundaries, 0:12:46.160 --> 0:12:48.920 but if you set them, they learn to navigate with 0:12:48.960 --> 0:12:51.640 you differently, you know, like they do people will learn 0:12:51.679 --> 0:12:53.920 to navigate with you differently if you're like, hey, like 0:12:53.920 --> 0:12:56.160 I had a friend asked me to borrow money for 0:12:56.160 --> 0:12:59.000 the first time and she'd never asked me before, and 0:12:59.160 --> 0:13:01.760 old Tiffany would have just like been like, oh gosh, 0:13:02.160 --> 0:13:03.959 you know, I'm gonna let bart but I'm just scared 0:13:04.000 --> 0:13:05.600 that this is a new precedent. 0:13:05.640 --> 0:13:06.120 What do I do? 0:13:06.280 --> 0:13:10.240 New Tiffany therapeued up. Tiffany was like, hey, girl, no 0:13:10.280 --> 0:13:12.840 problem lending you this money. But although I know you've 0:13:12.840 --> 0:13:16.040 never borrowed before, I don't want to set a precedent 0:13:16.080 --> 0:13:17.840 that I'm the go to for you to borrow from. 0:13:18.120 --> 0:13:19.440 And she said, well, I've never asked I no, no, 0:13:19.559 --> 0:13:21.839 I know you've not asked me that. It's not about 0:13:21.920 --> 0:13:23.719 I'm not saying that this is. 0:13:23.640 --> 0:13:24.400 Something you're gonna do. 0:13:24.480 --> 0:13:26.320 I just want to make it clear that it makes 0:13:26.360 --> 0:13:28.680 me it would make me uncomfortable that I don't mind 0:13:28.679 --> 0:13:30.760 doing this, you know, I expect that you're gonna pay 0:13:30.800 --> 0:13:33.080 me back, like you said, but also too, I expect 0:13:33.280 --> 0:13:35.040 that this is not going to become We've been friends 0:13:35.040 --> 0:13:37.120 for a very very very long time, and I don't 0:13:37.120 --> 0:13:39.199 want this to become the norm, like we've broken the seal. 0:13:39.480 --> 0:13:42.280 I could tell that she was slightly offended, and I understood, 0:13:42.800 --> 0:13:44.760 you know, why she would be, But I also know 0:13:44.840 --> 0:13:46.760 that I needed to set the boundary because I don't 0:13:46.760 --> 0:13:48.840 know where this is going. We've talked about it like 0:13:48.920 --> 0:13:50.840 a couple times after and we both come to like 0:13:50.880 --> 0:13:53.240 an easy like piece about it, like, you know, because 0:13:53.280 --> 0:13:55.880 I don't want that to be like, well, girl, Tiffany 0:13:55.920 --> 0:13:58.840 got it, you know, like, and so I'm glad I 0:13:58.880 --> 0:14:01.679 set the boundary, and I'm glad we talked about it 0:14:01.760 --> 0:14:05.280 and we're still like super good friends, you know. And 0:14:05.400 --> 0:14:07.920 she understood where I was coming from, and I understood 0:14:07.960 --> 0:14:09.520 where she was coming from because it wasn't like she 0:14:09.559 --> 0:14:11.839 had had any habit of this with me, but I've 0:14:11.840 --> 0:14:13.120 seen the habit with other people. 0:14:13.200 --> 0:14:16.800 That's why I said what I said, So, like, I 0:14:16.840 --> 0:14:19.480 just think it's gonna be. It's gonna be, dear sister. 0:14:19.560 --> 0:14:21.640 You have to just you're gonna have to set a 0:14:21.680 --> 0:14:24.520 clear boundary live up to that boundary. You might have 0:14:24.520 --> 0:14:26.080 to say it a couple of times. Your sister will 0:14:26.160 --> 0:14:27.560 learn that you are not the one, the two, or 0:14:27.600 --> 0:14:29.880 the three, and she'll move on to someplace else. It 0:14:29.920 --> 0:14:31.920 sounds like maybe your parents have said no and that's 0:14:31.920 --> 0:14:34.760 why she's coming to you. And then you can you 0:14:34.760 --> 0:14:37.600 could also create that safety net and say, you know, 0:14:37.760 --> 0:14:39.720 don't be hungry, don't be homeless. You know, you guys 0:14:39.760 --> 0:14:41.760 can always eat here or whatever. You guys can always 0:14:41.840 --> 0:14:43.720 stay with me or whatever that is. You know, like 0:14:43.760 --> 0:14:45.760 set that kind of like that lowest basis point, but 0:14:45.800 --> 0:14:47.640 then let her figure it out or she will never 0:14:47.920 --> 0:14:51.200 figure it out. Especially it's one thing if you had 0:14:51.200 --> 0:14:54.440 a sister who was like, you know, like didn't make 0:14:54.440 --> 0:14:57.120 good money, you know what I mean, like to hear that, 0:14:57.200 --> 0:14:59.320 like you make plenty and you're just making bad choices. 0:14:59.360 --> 0:15:00.560 Oh no, no, no, no, no. 0:15:00.880 --> 0:15:02.080 You know. It's one thing if you were like in 0:15:02.120 --> 0:15:04.960 abusive relationship. Your best friend was in an abusive relationship and 0:15:05.000 --> 0:15:07.960 fled her husband. Now that's different and you're like, girl, 0:15:08.280 --> 0:15:09.840 you know, I got you, bring the kids here, we're 0:15:09.840 --> 0:15:12.360 going to figure it out. But just I'm going to 0:15:12.440 --> 0:15:15.600 help you out because you're mismanaging your money. Now, set 0:15:15.640 --> 0:15:18.920 that boundary, create the baseline of don't be hungry or homeless, 0:15:19.240 --> 0:15:20.440 and let it go. 0:15:21.320 --> 0:15:22.120 She's grown. 0:15:24.120 --> 0:15:26.640 It might be a little awkward in the meantime, like Tiffy, 0:15:26.640 --> 0:15:28.360 you went to that awkward thing with your friend, just 0:15:28.400 --> 0:15:31.520 like you know in the beginning. But people are always 0:15:31.560 --> 0:15:34.000 going to act some type of way when you say 0:15:34.040 --> 0:15:36.240 no and you set that boundary. And I think the 0:15:36.320 --> 0:15:39.280 part that we use boundaries like a throwaway word now, 0:15:39.400 --> 0:15:42.240 but it's going to come at the cost of that moment, 0:15:42.520 --> 0:15:45.520 that that space of discomfort for you and for the 0:15:45.560 --> 0:15:47.640 person who's asking you for something and wants to breach 0:15:47.680 --> 0:15:50.360 your boundary, and for them just for them to hear no. 0:15:50.880 --> 0:15:53.200 Like my, you know, really good friend of mine recently 0:15:54.760 --> 0:15:57.280 found a toxic friend, had a toxic friend who I 0:15:57.360 --> 0:16:00.160 knew they were toxic because I can smell y'all and 0:16:00.160 --> 0:16:02.640 I just don't even And I told her that's as 0:16:02.720 --> 0:16:04.880 bad news, and I backed it up. I was like, 0:16:04.960 --> 0:16:07.600 she's gonna learn. A year later, she's like, I think 0:16:07.600 --> 0:16:09.640 it's time to cut this person out, and I'm like, 0:16:09.800 --> 0:16:12.760 m And as soon as she did, the tech start 0:16:12.800 --> 0:16:16.000 coming in, the calls, the name calling. You know that 0:16:16.120 --> 0:16:18.960 immediate reaction to you studying that boundary and as a 0:16:19.000 --> 0:16:21.000 person who I've had to deal with my own family, 0:16:21.080 --> 0:16:25.160 like a sibling of mine who I had to really 0:16:25.160 --> 0:16:27.520 set a hard boundary, and for me, that boundary was 0:16:27.560 --> 0:16:30.680 like no further communication, you know, until I can trust 0:16:30.760 --> 0:16:34.600 you again. It's it's you. There's there's a cast there, 0:16:34.640 --> 0:16:38.800 it's it's painful, it makes holidays a little awkward. But 0:16:39.080 --> 0:16:40.840 I think you have to put yourself first and remind 0:16:40.880 --> 0:16:43.360 yourself what your goals are. And it's okay if someone 0:16:43.360 --> 0:16:47.840 else is frustrated, put out, inconvenienced, you know, if they 0:16:47.880 --> 0:16:49.960 have to struggle a little bit because of a choice 0:16:50.000 --> 0:16:53.200 you made for your own self, welcome to just being 0:16:53.240 --> 0:16:55.520 a human. You know, at certain points we have to 0:16:55.560 --> 0:16:58.200 make those tough calls. And it's like Tiff said, you know, 0:16:58.240 --> 0:17:00.520 maybe it's if you say, if you if it's money, 0:17:00.760 --> 0:17:03.480 that becomes a band aid. And it does sound like 0:17:03.520 --> 0:17:05.480 maybe your parents have started saying no or they're not 0:17:05.520 --> 0:17:07.720 able to give what she needs, so she's even gotten more. 0:17:08.160 --> 0:17:09.720 Plus she has a spouse too. I'm like, is a 0:17:09.720 --> 0:17:12.240 spouse and does he know or does she know? Or 0:17:12.240 --> 0:17:15.600 they know about this? Like there's deeper things going on, 0:17:15.720 --> 0:17:17.679 But how else might you be able to help? Like, 0:17:18.080 --> 0:17:20.359 it's not advice because I don't think she wants that 0:17:20.400 --> 0:17:22.880 from you. Maybe it's if you want me to babysit 0:17:22.920 --> 0:17:25.600 for free while you get a second job or uber 0:17:25.840 --> 0:17:27.959 so that you can, you know, or go on some 0:17:28.040 --> 0:17:31.440 interviews like how can you support her in other ways 0:17:31.480 --> 0:17:33.840 to show that you still love her? But it's really 0:17:33.920 --> 0:17:37.560 dangerous to set that president of Okay, I'm going to 0:17:37.640 --> 0:17:40.960 say yes this time. And certainly if you actually need 0:17:41.000 --> 0:17:43.639 them to pay you back, I really wouldn't lend that 0:17:43.680 --> 0:17:47.120 money because I just feel like friends and family, there's 0:17:47.119 --> 0:17:48.440 just you're not going to be at the top of 0:17:48.480 --> 0:17:51.320 the list when it comes to paying the bills back, 0:17:51.680 --> 0:17:54.280 you know. So with me, if I was ever giving 0:17:54.280 --> 0:17:56.719 money to fit, I made an early rule and when 0:17:56.760 --> 0:17:59.640 I was younger that if I was going to lend 0:17:59.640 --> 0:18:01.359 anyone money, I wasn't going to be lending it. I 0:18:01.400 --> 0:18:03.119 was going to give it, and I was going to 0:18:03.200 --> 0:18:05.280 tell them so like this is a this is a gift. 0:18:05.480 --> 0:18:07.640 I don't want it back, you know, And if you're 0:18:07.680 --> 0:18:10.520 not comfortable doing that, I would say, the ANSWER's got 0:18:10.520 --> 0:18:13.000 to be no. And you can literally tell her exactly 0:18:13.080 --> 0:18:15.240 what you told us. You know, I've worked really hard 0:18:15.240 --> 0:18:17.320 to get where I am, and I want I don't 0:18:17.320 --> 0:18:19.320