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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcasts, a weekly

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Speaker 1: conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small

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Speaker 1: decisions we can make to become the best possible versions

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Speaker 1: of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr joy Hard and Bradford,

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Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information,

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Speaker 1: visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com.

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Speaker 1: And while I hope you love listening to and learning

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Speaker 1: from the podcast, it is not meant to be a

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Speaker 1: substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all,

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Speaker 1: thanks so much for joining me for session sixty two

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Speaker 1: of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. If you haven't

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Speaker 1: heard about it, then I want to take some time

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Speaker 1: today to introduce you to one of my new favorite

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Speaker 1: things to watch online, Red Table Talk. It's a Facebook

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Speaker 1: watch show featuring Jada Pinkett Smith, her mom Adrian, and

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Speaker 1: her daughter Willow. The premise is to have intergenerational conversations

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Speaker 1: about a variety of topics, including things like sex and parenting.

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Speaker 1: I love this show for lots of different reasons. One

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Speaker 1: is that we watch it together every Monday night in

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Speaker 1: the Thrive Tribe, so we can all watch it in

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Speaker 1: real time and offer our commentary online. It's almost like

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Speaker 1: we're all in one big theater being able to shout

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Speaker 1: our thoughts at one another. And two, it sheds light

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Speaker 1: on some very important topics that I really think need

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Speaker 1: to be discussed in our community. So far, the episode

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Speaker 1: that has been my favorite was the one where Gabrielle

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Speaker 1: Union was invited as a guest to have a seat

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Speaker 1: at the table. So apparently there was this long standing

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Speaker 1: weird tension between Gabrielle and Jada, and neither of them

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Speaker 1: really knew where it came from or why they were

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Speaker 1: holding onto it, so they took this opportunity to have

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Speaker 1: a conversation about it. They shared about how the tension

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Speaker 1: likely was a result of some of their own insecurities

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Speaker 1: and a lack of taking accountability on their parts. I

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Speaker 1: was particularly struck by one story that Gabrielle shared where

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Speaker 1: she was at a party and another sister walked into

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Speaker 1: the party and she wondered out loud, how did she

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Speaker 1: get in? She doesn't look like she belongs In the moment,

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Speaker 1: Gabrielle was deep in her feelings, but a friend challenged

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Speaker 1: her to think about what she gained from actually putting

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Speaker 1: this sister down and then it clicked for her. She

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Speaker 1: was able to acknowledge that she became defensive and felt

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Speaker 1: like she was shrinking in response to her perception of

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Speaker 1: what this other woman was. What do you think when

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Speaker 1: you walk into a room and you see that sister,

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Speaker 1: you know, the one I'm talking about, the one with

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Speaker 1: the fly outfit and the perfect twist out, the one

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Speaker 1: that can obviously command a room with her charm and conversation.

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Speaker 1: When situations like this happened in your life, how do

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Speaker 1: you respond? Do you shrink like Gabrielle shared and lash out?

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Speaker 1: Do you withdraw and check out of the moment? Or

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Speaker 1: do you expand and try to take up all the

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Speaker 1: space in the room and become the thing that everybody

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Speaker 1: is paying attention to. If your answer to this question

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Speaker 1: is one that you're not very proud of, here are

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Speaker 1: some questions that I want you to consider. One, where

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Speaker 1: does this come from? Can you remember the first time

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Speaker 1: that you had a reaction like this? When was the

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Speaker 1: last time that you had a reaction like this? Are

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Speaker 1: there similarities in the environments when you notice yourself having

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Speaker 1: this kind of response? What are they getting an understanding

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Speaker 1: of where this comes from for you can give you

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Speaker 1: a good endo cation of what you need to do

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Speaker 1: to fix it. Question number two, who are your people

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Speaker 1: who can pull your coldtails in love? As Jada says,

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Speaker 1: and tell you them maybe unpleasant and not so easy

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Speaker 1: to hear truth about yourself. And if you have those people,

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Speaker 1: can you actually hear what they have to say? Many

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Speaker 1: of us have great friends who can share things in love,

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Speaker 1: but oftentimes we're not ready to receive it. But many

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Speaker 1: of us also have friends who thrive in our insecurities.

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Speaker 1: So if we change, then what are they left with?

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Speaker 1: Which friends do you have and what can y'all do

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Speaker 1: as a collective to help each other be your best selves?

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Speaker 1: And question number three what do you need to start

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Speaker 1: taking responsibility for? Another part I loved about this episode

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Speaker 1: was Gabrielle's description of what she calls the cloak of victimhood.

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Speaker 1: Maybe you have one hanging in the back of your

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Speaker 1: closet somewhere. It's this whole idea of everything in your

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Speaker 1: life happening to you as if you're not an active

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Speaker 1: participant in your life. We have to be honest. Sometimes

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Speaker 1: we have messed up interactions with others because we're giving

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Speaker 1: off a messed up energy. We're acting out of our

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Speaker 1: hurts and insecurities. So what do you need to clear

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Speaker 1: up in your life so that you have a better

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Speaker 1: chance of having more positive interactions? This might involve some

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Speaker 1: journaling to get to the bottom of things. Are working

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Speaker 1: with the therapist to help you work through some of

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Speaker 1: the issues that just might be holding you back. Either way,

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Speaker 1: if you keep having the same kinds of issues with

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Speaker 1: the same kinds of people, the common denominator there is you.

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Speaker 1: So you've got to figure out how to move on

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Speaker 1: from this place to a place that allows you to

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Speaker 1: have the type of interactions you truly desire. So tell

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Speaker 1: me what you think. Have you found yourself in these

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Speaker 1: kinds of situations? What helped you to do things differently?

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Speaker 1: I'd love for you to share your insights about the

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Speaker 1: episode with us on social media. Be sure to use

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Speaker 1: the hashtag tb G in Session and make sure to

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Speaker 1: tag our accounts. You can find us on Twitter at

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Speaker 1: Therapy for the Number four be Girls, and you can

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Speaker 1: find us on Instagram and Facebook at Therapy for Black Girls.

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Speaker 1: We also have a couple of on the Porch questions

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Speaker 1: this week. Question number one is from Monica Monica says,

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Speaker 1: I've been seeing a therapist to talk through some things

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Speaker 1: going on, but I've discovered that beneath that I have

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Speaker 1: been diagnosed with o c D, generalized anxiety disorder and PTSD,

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Speaker 1: so much so that medication was recommended to help with things.

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Speaker 1: I completely understand where my therapist is coming from, but

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Speaker 1: I'm having a really hard time accepting that something is

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Speaker 1: wrong and moving forward effectively with this new information. Any

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Speaker 1: tips would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much for sharing, Monica.

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Speaker 1: I'm happy to hear that you're working with a therapist,

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Speaker 1: and I know that in the long run, you'll be

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Speaker 1: able to appreciate the progress you make. But I also

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Speaker 1: understand how you're likely feeling very overwhelmed and hesitant right now.

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Speaker 1: I actually did a three for Thursday video about this

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Speaker 1: a couple of months ago. UM, so you definitely want

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Speaker 1: to check that out if you have it, and i't

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Speaker 1: link to it in the show notes so that you

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Speaker 1: can find it for easy access. But I will also

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Speaker 1: summarize here what I shared in that video. So the

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Speaker 1: first thing that you want to do after you have

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Speaker 1: received a diagnosis and you know shocking news like this

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Speaker 1: is to allow yourself the time and space to experience

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Speaker 1: the range of emotions that you're likely having now. So

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Speaker 1: it sounds like there is some shocks, some denial, maybe

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Speaker 1: some anger there, and all of that is valid. You

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Speaker 1: may be experiencing some grief, kinds of reactions, there may

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Speaker 1: be some relief even um to kind of finally have

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Speaker 1: a name or an idea about what's going on there.

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Speaker 1: Whatever you're feeling is totally normal and valid, and it

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Speaker 1: really is important to give yourself time to experience it

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Speaker 1: and to process it with your therapist. So if you

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Speaker 1: haven't talk with your therapist about what it feels like

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Speaker 1: to now have this diagnosis, I definitely would encourage you

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Speaker 1: to have that conversation with your therapists. The second thing

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Speaker 1: that you want to do is to make sure you

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Speaker 1: have an excellent treatment team. So it sounds like you

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Speaker 1: already really enjoy working with your therapists. If you're going

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Speaker 1: to start on medication, you also want to make sure

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Speaker 1: that you find a provider who you feel like we'll

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Speaker 1: really listen to you and will answer any questions you have.

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Speaker 1: You're far more likely to actually stick with the treatment

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Speaker 1: plan if you feel like your providers actually hear your

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Speaker 1: concerns and are responsive to your needs. So I would

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Speaker 1: maybe ask your therapist for a recommendation of who they

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Speaker 1: would recommend in terms of a psychiatrist or UM, whoever

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Speaker 1: is going to be prescribing, because they may have a

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Speaker 1: good working relationship which would only benefit you likely UM,

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Speaker 1: so ask that therapist for a recommendation if you do

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Speaker 1: plan to start medication. And then the third thing that

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Speaker 1: you want to do is to cultivate a strong support system,

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Speaker 1: and that includes anybody in person, so any family or

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Speaker 1: friends who you think are really supportive. Also, i'd encourage

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Speaker 1: you to look online for any kinds of communities that

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Speaker 1: may be really helpful. You can check out nami UM,

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Speaker 1: the National Alliance on Mental Illness. They may have a

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Speaker 1: local chapter where you are, and you can also check

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Speaker 1: the website for things like the International O c D Foundation.

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Speaker 1: They have links to lots of resources that may be

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Speaker 1: helpful to you, because having support from others, particularly those

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Speaker 1: who are intimately aware of some of the issues you

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Speaker 1: maybe struggling with, can really be helpful right now and

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Speaker 1: help you to feel less isolated. So I definitely hope

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Speaker 1: that this helps, and again I will link to that

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Speaker 1: video that I did, because there was also an opportunity

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Speaker 1: for people to ask any questions they had after I

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Speaker 1: shared those tips, so you may benefit from that question

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Speaker 1: and answer on portion as well. Thanks again for writing

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Speaker 1: in Monica. Question number two comes from Rhonda. Rhonda stated,

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Speaker 1: I just started listening to your podcast and I'm at

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Speaker 1: the episode about friends. I just recently had an experience

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Speaker 1: with a friend where I've been deemed the toxic one.

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Speaker 1: I'm a tourist and would say that many have characterized

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Speaker 1: me as bossy, but I'm actually really sensitive and feel

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Speaker 1: things deeply. In this specific situation that happened, I was

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Speaker 1: not being bossy or mean, but my friend was. Heia

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Speaker 1: messing and lashed out on me, so I removed myself

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Speaker 1: from our friends group chat to remove myself. I was

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Speaker 1: hurt because she considers herself to be my best friend

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Speaker 1: and I was surprised at her lashing out in the

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Speaker 1: heat of this argument. She said to me, it's not

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Speaker 1: Rhonda's world, and later on, my other two friends that

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Speaker 1: are in the group chat said she was annoyed by

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Speaker 1: me because I'm reactionary and that she was not going

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Speaker 1: to chase me. I chose not to engage in an

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Speaker 1: argument with her because, as mentioned above, I'm deem bossy

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Speaker 1: and I'm tired of always being the bad guy. Two

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Speaker 1: weeks passed and it was the day before my birthday

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Speaker 1: and she sent me a text asking me if I

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Speaker 1: was coming over to her house to pregame since we

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Speaker 1: were supposed to be going to a concert together that day,

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Speaker 1: and agreed upon that before the argument, But I did

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Speaker 1: not respond to her because I don't think it's normal

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Speaker 1: to not speak to someone for two weeks and then

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Speaker 1: come over to their house as if nothing has happened.

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Speaker 1: The following day, she texted me Happy birthday and I

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Speaker 1: expressed that to her, and she told me that I

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Speaker 1: prolonged the situation, adding on negativity. However, I do not

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Speaker 1: feel that she acknowledged my feelings and us not understand

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Speaker 1: how someone can move on without talking to someone about

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Speaker 1: what happened. Long story short, we have not spoken since

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Speaker 1: because she feels like nothing happened. As I write this,

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Speaker 1: I realized I may have ghosted on her, as you

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Speaker 1: mentioned in the podcast What Are Your Thoughts? I'm writing

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Speaker 1: this because it has left me in a very vulnerable

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Speaker 1: state where I feel isolated and misunderstood. Thank you so

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Speaker 1: much for writing in with this question, Ronda. It definitely

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Speaker 1: sounds like this is a bit of a sticky situation. Um. So, first,

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Speaker 1: I think that any time we repeatedly hear a word

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Speaker 1: like BOSSI used to describe us, we have to do

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Speaker 1: some assessment to determine whether it's accurate. Now, you may

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Speaker 1: do the assessment and disagree with what others are saying,

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Speaker 1: but I do think it warrant's an assessment. So, how

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Speaker 1: have you been engaging with your friends that has made

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Speaker 1: them feel as though you always want to be in control?

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Speaker 1: Maybe you can try asking them or some feedback and

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Speaker 1: see why they feel this way or why do they

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Speaker 1: see you this way? In regards to this particular friend,

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Speaker 1: it sounds like this may have been a conflict that

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Speaker 1: likely could have been handled pretty easily if y'all had

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Speaker 1: spoken to one another, maybe even like two days later.

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Speaker 1: But now it's been a couple of weeks and the

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Speaker 1: story you've created around this incident has just gotten larger

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Speaker 1: and larger. So at this point, probably no one wants

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Speaker 1: to be the first one to call, But if the

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Speaker 1: friendship is important to you, then it may be worth

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Speaker 1: the call. It's hard to know how your friend perceived

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Speaker 1: the incident because we don't have her thoughts, But I

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Speaker 1: wonder if the disagreement that you guys had really wasn't

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Speaker 1: a big deal to her and she was fine after

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Speaker 1: a few days and just wanted to give you time

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Speaker 1: to cool off. Her texting you about your birthday indicates

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Speaker 1: to me that maybe she was over whatever happened and

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Speaker 1: wasn't going to let it stop her from celebrating your birthday. Sadly,

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Speaker 1: many of us don't know how to actually apologize when

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Speaker 1: we've done something wrong, but instead just try to move

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Speaker 1: on and hope that the other person is still not mad.

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Speaker 1: But again, all of this could have been fleshed out

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Speaker 1: if there had been a conversation. You would have been

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Speaker 1: able to share how she hurt your feelings and clear

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Speaker 1: up whatever you feel like was misunderstood, and she could

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Speaker 1: have responded in whatever way she chose. But since that

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Speaker 1: convo didn't happen, we're now here weeks later with all

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Speaker 1: of these questions. So if you feel up to it,

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Speaker 1: I do think that this still warrants a conversation. I'd

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Speaker 1: encourage you to maybe invite her to have a conversation

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Speaker 1: and share any lingering, concerns or thoughts you have about

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Speaker 1: this situation. But more importantly, I think you could have

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Speaker 1: a conversation that allows you, guys, to figure out how

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Speaker 1: you want to handle conflict and disagreements in the future.

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Speaker 1: It sounds like you're really good friends, or at least

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Speaker 1: you have been, and so this likely won't be the

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Speaker 1: only time there will be conflict. So having a plan

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Speaker 1: for like how you might be able to handle this

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Speaker 1: in the future may actually do you some good. I

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Speaker 1: really hope this helps let me know how it turns out.

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Speaker 1: If you have that conversation. If you have a question

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Speaker 1: or a situation you'd like some feedback about, send it

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Speaker 1: over to me at podcasts at Therapy for Black Girls

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Speaker 1: dot com and it just might be answered on the show.

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Speaker 1: If you want to continue the conversations we have on

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Speaker 1: the podcast, or join us for the next Red Table

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Speaker 1: Talk watch party, join us over in the thrive tribe.

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Speaker 1: You can request to join at Therapy for Black Girls

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Speaker 1: dot com slash tribe. Be sure to answer the three

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Speaker 1: questions that are asked for entry. If you're looking for

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Speaker 1: a therapist in your area, make sure to check out

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Speaker 1: the directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory.

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Speaker 1: I'm also really excited to announce that we are now

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Speaker 1: accepting guest submissions for the Therapy for Black Girls website. So,

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Speaker 1: if you are a licensed mental health professional and you

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Speaker 1: have a piece to share that you think that our

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Speaker 1: audience would really love to hear, visit Therapy for Black

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Speaker 1: Girls dot com slash guest hyphen Bloggers to get more

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Speaker 1: details about how to submit, and again, all of that

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Speaker 1: information will be including in the show notes. You can

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Speaker 1: find that at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash

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Speaker 1: Session sixty two. Thank you all again for joining me

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Speaker 1: this week, and I look forward to continuing this conversation

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Speaker 1: with you all real soon. Take good care after the

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Speaker 1: art