1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:02,279 Speaker 1: This is Kelly Henderson and you're listening to the velvets 2 00:00:02,320 --> 00:00:05,560 Speaker 1: Edge podcast. I get asked all the time, what are 3 00:00:05,600 --> 00:00:08,320 Speaker 1: your favorite episodes on the Velvet Edge podcast or what 4 00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:11,200 Speaker 1: have your favorite episodes been to do? And it's such 5 00:00:11,200 --> 00:00:13,800 Speaker 1: a hard question for me to answer, because I truly 6 00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:17,080 Speaker 1: do learn something or take something away from every conversation 7 00:00:17,120 --> 00:00:20,279 Speaker 1: I have. However, it is the holiday season, so I 8 00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:23,200 Speaker 1: wanted to share some of my top episodes with you 9 00:00:23,239 --> 00:00:26,240 Speaker 1: guys where I did feel like there was that extra 10 00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:28,600 Speaker 1: little connection with the person I was interviewing, or I 11 00:00:28,640 --> 00:00:33,040 Speaker 1: just walked away having learned so much. I absolutely loved 12 00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:36,599 Speaker 1: this conversation that I had with licensed mental health counselor 13 00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:40,800 Speaker 1: Samantha Burns. Samantha specializes in love and relationships, and she 14 00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:44,880 Speaker 1: says that most people are missing the key foundational points 15 00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:47,560 Speaker 1: when they're looking for love. She told me the two 16 00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:51,800 Speaker 1: major questions everyone should ask an answer about themselves before 17 00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:54,560 Speaker 1: they start dating. We also dove into the number one 18 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:58,360 Speaker 1: issue she sees happening between couples that leads to miscommunications 19 00:00:58,440 --> 00:01:02,400 Speaker 1: and unhappiness in relations and ships. Here's our conversation. I 20 00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:05,200 Speaker 1: am here with Samantha Byurne. She is a licensed mental 21 00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:07,880 Speaker 1: health counselor. She's also the author of the new book 22 00:01:07,959 --> 00:01:11,399 Speaker 1: Breaking Up and Bouncing Back. It's about moving on to 23 00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:15,880 Speaker 1: create the love life you deserve. Um Hi, Samantha, Hello, 24 00:01:15,959 --> 00:01:18,440 Speaker 1: Well thanks for having me Kelly. Of course, I'm so excited. 25 00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:22,880 Speaker 1: You actually messaged me on Instagram and what you can't 26 00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:24,759 Speaker 1: remember exactly what you said, but you maybe you had 27 00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:28,720 Speaker 1: watched Ferry Cavaliery. I had, and I basically said, I'm 28 00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:32,720 Speaker 1: like a creepy I'm not a dude, and hopefully I'm 29 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:37,200 Speaker 1: not too creepy. Know you weren't, but you you have 30 00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:40,560 Speaker 1: seen my dating struggles on the show and kind of 31 00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:44,240 Speaker 1: could relate or her maybe heard some stories similar, and 32 00:01:44,319 --> 00:01:48,040 Speaker 1: that's what you do. Write This is exactly what I do, 33 00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:50,880 Speaker 1: and like seeing you on the show. I'm talking about 34 00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:53,680 Speaker 1: your dating life and just the struggles and maybe a 35 00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:56,120 Speaker 1: big breakup you have gone through. I I just knew 36 00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:58,440 Speaker 1: I had to reach out to you because you, my 37 00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:01,400 Speaker 1: friends are not alone. So many people go through similar issues. 38 00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:04,520 Speaker 1: So talk me through that. Let's say, like you deal 39 00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:07,640 Speaker 1: with both people who are dating and also people who 40 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:10,520 Speaker 1: are in relationships. What's the main thing you see out 41 00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:15,160 Speaker 1: there with people dating now? Nowadays. The main struggle I 42 00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:19,040 Speaker 1: guess because well, with dating, you know, the most popular 43 00:02:19,120 --> 00:02:22,639 Speaker 1: way to meet nowadays is online. So the way technology 44 00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:25,640 Speaker 1: has just influenced the way people are meeting has really 45 00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:28,560 Speaker 1: I feel like, de humanized us into these little like 46 00:02:28,639 --> 00:02:31,919 Speaker 1: emojis on the screen. So I feel like people are 47 00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:35,800 Speaker 1: just doing all sourcess horrible behave You're like ghosting and 48 00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:39,160 Speaker 1: just like not treating other people like human beings. And 49 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:43,080 Speaker 1: so there's this big I think grass is greener epidemic 50 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:46,160 Speaker 1: right where everyone just thinks that there's this next best 51 00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:49,519 Speaker 1: thing online with the swipe of a finger. So people 52 00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:52,760 Speaker 1: aren't really giving anyone a chance, and they're they're making 53 00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:56,359 Speaker 1: their decisions. They're dating decisions based off of one of 54 00:02:56,440 --> 00:02:58,639 Speaker 1: two little things that might not be a big deal 55 00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:01,280 Speaker 1: in the grand schemeal of life because they have access 56 00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:03,840 Speaker 1: to so many other options. I think that just seeing 57 00:03:03,919 --> 00:03:08,560 Speaker 1: more critical and um not really dating with intent. Well, 58 00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:10,760 Speaker 1: so tell me, what are a couple of examples of that, Like, 59 00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:14,080 Speaker 1: what do you mean they're just seeing? They're seeing a 60 00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:18,920 Speaker 1: couple of things, like like what that they literally that 61 00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:21,839 Speaker 1: the guy is not six feet tall or that he's 62 00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:25,560 Speaker 1: going bald, or that they like don't like the outfit 63 00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:28,360 Speaker 1: that this guy or girl showed up in. Um like 64 00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:31,919 Speaker 1: really superficial things. But I think people obviously place a 65 00:03:31,919 --> 00:03:34,720 Speaker 1: lot of emphasis on that initial spark, for this initial 66 00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:38,320 Speaker 1: chemistry or attraction, which does play a role, but it 67 00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:42,600 Speaker 1: can also really miss leave your dating decisions, um because 68 00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:45,920 Speaker 1: we get so swayed by this idea of spark or 69 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:49,000 Speaker 1: what's really it's lost and it's a normal chemical response 70 00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:51,400 Speaker 1: that we're having, so we're not digging deeper for the 71 00:03:51,480 --> 00:03:54,840 Speaker 1: things that matterre Like, you know, do we both even 72 00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:58,320 Speaker 1: want relationship? Do we want kids? Do we have similar 73 00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:03,320 Speaker 1: beliefs on like politics or religion or spirituality or all 74 00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:05,840 Speaker 1: these things that kind of govern how we live our lives, 75 00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:08,120 Speaker 1: which I call your core values, the things that are 76 00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:12,080 Speaker 1: would the most important to you. Um. So someone could 77 00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:15,440 Speaker 1: be a really great match, but because um or like 78 00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:18,560 Speaker 1: maybe they don't call or text you like the exact 79 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:23,120 Speaker 1: second you want them to, and so you just like 80 00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:26,320 Speaker 1: move on because you're pissed. Um Or they wait too 81 00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:29,479 Speaker 1: or or they do text you right away and you 82 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:32,080 Speaker 1: feel like, oh, that's that's too easier, is not enough 83 00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:34,760 Speaker 1: of a challenge with God? They must be desperate even 84 00:04:34,760 --> 00:04:38,200 Speaker 1: though realistically, when you're dating from a secure mindset, which 85 00:04:38,279 --> 00:04:40,719 Speaker 1: we can talk about, like, it's really great when someone's 86 00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:42,719 Speaker 1: communicative and let's you know that they want to see 87 00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:46,520 Speaker 1: you again. I actually love that. I love the no games, 88 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:49,280 Speaker 1: here's where I'm at, just putting it out there kind 89 00:04:49,279 --> 00:04:51,920 Speaker 1: of thing, right, And doesn't it make it so much 90 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:54,320 Speaker 1: easier because you know what page they're on and you're 91 00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:56,919 Speaker 1: not sitting there like holding by your phone or trying 92 00:04:56,920 --> 00:05:00,840 Speaker 1: to over analyze and waste your own persons emotional time 93 00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:06,440 Speaker 1: and energy figuring out decoding um old behavior. Absolutely. I 94 00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:08,920 Speaker 1: think that's, especially as I've gotten older. One of the 95 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:12,400 Speaker 1: main things in dating that I really really want it's 96 00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:14,400 Speaker 1: just someone to be direct. I don't want to play 97 00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:19,560 Speaker 1: games because it's exhausting. It really is exhausting. And it's 98 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:24,080 Speaker 1: interesting because there's there's some gender differences in how men 99 00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:27,600 Speaker 1: and women like to date or be communicated with, and 100 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:31,000 Speaker 1: so women kind of like more innocuous, like they don't 101 00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:33,120 Speaker 1: like the straight up hey, I would find you attractive, 102 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:35,320 Speaker 1: I would love to get to know you or take 103 00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:37,599 Speaker 1: you out. They like someone who feels a little safer, 104 00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:39,840 Speaker 1: where you're not sure of their intentions, but you feel 105 00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:42,120 Speaker 1: like you can trust them because they come in with like, uh, 106 00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:44,360 Speaker 1: I don't know, maybe they see you at the grocery store. 107 00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:47,080 Speaker 1: This happened to me like last year or so when 108 00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:49,240 Speaker 1: I'm married, but this guy came up to me. He's like, Hey, 109 00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:51,599 Speaker 1: how do I tell these raspberries are right? And I 110 00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:53,800 Speaker 1: was like, if I was single, like, I would totally 111 00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:57,520 Speaker 1: chat with this guy. But that men do like a 112 00:05:57,560 --> 00:05:59,800 Speaker 1: straight up approach. So if you're a confident woman and 113 00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:02,040 Speaker 1: you're just like, hey, I really want to sli over 114 00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:04,880 Speaker 1: and talk to you, Um, are you single? Or I 115 00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:09,000 Speaker 1: think you're cute, Like what's up? They really appreciate that oneness. 116 00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:12,520 Speaker 1: That is so interesting. So that's that's more on the 117 00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:15,240 Speaker 1: approach of people. But you mentioned core values, which I 118 00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:18,680 Speaker 1: read a lot about on your website, love successfully dot com. 119 00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:21,560 Speaker 1: Samantha has a ton of different articles. It's there's a 120 00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:25,200 Speaker 1: lot of like blog type things that you write that 121 00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:28,320 Speaker 1: can give tips on dating and relationships. But one of 122 00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:30,720 Speaker 1: the main things you talk about is finding out if 123 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:33,320 Speaker 1: your core values line up. So can you give us, 124 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:36,800 Speaker 1: like some more examples of those things. Absolutely, So I 125 00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:39,320 Speaker 1: go really in depth with that in um breaking Up 126 00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:41,880 Speaker 1: and Bouncing Back. So if you want like a whole 127 00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:44,760 Speaker 1: list of those, definitely check out the book. But the 128 00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:48,279 Speaker 1: core values to me are what moms most to you. 129 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:50,840 Speaker 1: So something that's a core value for one person might 130 00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:53,680 Speaker 1: not be a core value for someone else. So those 131 00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:56,240 Speaker 1: could be And I walk you through everything from you know, 132 00:06:56,360 --> 00:07:00,479 Speaker 1: your work, life balance, career aspirations, I and by Like 133 00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:03,840 Speaker 1: one person might be really jazzed about recycling and minimizing 134 00:07:03,839 --> 00:07:06,960 Speaker 1: their carbon footprint, while someone else might care a ton 135 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:10,080 Speaker 1: about health and fitness and living and active life story. 136 00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:14,360 Speaker 1: Someone might you know, go to church every Sunday, or someone, um, 137 00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:16,600 Speaker 1: I really want to start a family. So they're they're 138 00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:19,960 Speaker 1: very like goal oriented towards finding someone else who wants 139 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:23,600 Speaker 1: to have kids, someone you know who has family values. 140 00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:25,680 Speaker 1: Well that that can mean so many different things. So 141 00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:28,120 Speaker 1: what does family values mean? Like one person might have 142 00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:32,800 Speaker 1: dinner with their family, you know, every single um Friday night, 143 00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:35,240 Speaker 1: or might still live with their family, or just might 144 00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:37,520 Speaker 1: really enjoy talking to them on the phone and they 145 00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:40,480 Speaker 1: want to also you know, find someone who's just as 146 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:44,400 Speaker 1: enthusiastic about spending quality families time. So it's really about 147 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:46,600 Speaker 1: kind of figuring out what matters most of you. Book 148 00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:50,240 Speaker 1: governs your life. And then also I kind of grouped 149 00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:53,160 Speaker 1: in with core values things like kind of like your 150 00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:55,880 Speaker 1: life vision our goals. So maybe you really want to 151 00:07:56,760 --> 00:07:59,840 Speaker 1: make money and retire earlier and about to the country, 152 00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:03,520 Speaker 1: or maybe you um want to travel the world, or 153 00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:07,000 Speaker 1: you you know, you really want marriaging kids. So whatever 154 00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:09,200 Speaker 1: kind of your life goals, you want to find someone 155 00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:12,360 Speaker 1: who also share are is a similar life path or 156 00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:16,760 Speaker 1: life goals, so that you're working towards the same things together. Um. 157 00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:19,680 Speaker 1: And what I see though, is like people aren't necessarily 158 00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:23,480 Speaker 1: dating with intent, and when dating would intent meeds aligning 159 00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:26,200 Speaker 1: your core values. So they might be getting together because 160 00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:29,440 Speaker 1: they share a friend group and so they are friends 161 00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:31,480 Speaker 1: you know, are having comments and you keep seeing the 162 00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:33,640 Speaker 1: same groups of people and maybe you start looking up 163 00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:36,600 Speaker 1: that way. Or you have really hot, passionate sex with someone, 164 00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:39,560 Speaker 1: so you get kind of addicted to physical chemistry even 165 00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:44,400 Speaker 1: though there's no really underlying fundamental um connection. So I 166 00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:48,280 Speaker 1: think aligning core values is a very pragmatic approach to love, 167 00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:50,920 Speaker 1: um And it's not the sexiest approach to love, but 168 00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:53,840 Speaker 1: that's what's going to create a foundation for you guys 169 00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:57,320 Speaker 1: to build off of in the long run um. And 170 00:08:57,360 --> 00:09:00,880 Speaker 1: the biggest mistake people make they compromise on our core values, 171 00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:04,439 Speaker 1: and that will always lead to resentment in a relationship. 172 00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:07,240 Speaker 1: So how many core values, Like, do all of your 173 00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:09,880 Speaker 1: core values have to line up? Or do you think 174 00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:12,559 Speaker 1: there's a certain number that it works. I don't think 175 00:09:12,559 --> 00:09:14,600 Speaker 1: there's like a magic number left that I would say. 176 00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:16,920 Speaker 1: You know, most people, so we all have values, not 177 00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:18,920 Speaker 1: all of our values of that important to us. So 178 00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:21,920 Speaker 1: I would encourage listeners to sit down and kind of 179 00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:24,200 Speaker 1: say what matters most to me. You're probably gonna have 180 00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:28,520 Speaker 1: maybe like three to five that are like the most important, 181 00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:31,120 Speaker 1: and then the other things were other values. You might 182 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:34,280 Speaker 1: care about them, but they wouldn't be your deal breakers. 183 00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:36,880 Speaker 1: So I always say, create deal breakers based off of 184 00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:40,400 Speaker 1: your core values. So like, maybe you know you would 185 00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:43,920 Speaker 1: like to find someone who's also I don't know, like 186 00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:47,280 Speaker 1: it's very career driven, but it's not the most important 187 00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:50,520 Speaker 1: thing to you. So you're okay kind of compromising about that. 188 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:52,960 Speaker 1: But you know for the fact that you really do 189 00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:55,680 Speaker 1: want kids. So if you know that someone doesn't want kids, 190 00:09:55,679 --> 00:09:58,880 Speaker 1: you just wouldn't even waste your time dating them. So 191 00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:02,280 Speaker 1: maybe say like three of five, um, and then and 192 00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:04,040 Speaker 1: go from there. But no, you don't help to have 193 00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:06,920 Speaker 1: like everything in common with your partner. And in fact, 194 00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:09,960 Speaker 1: it's great to have differences because then you guys kind 195 00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:12,120 Speaker 1: of like expand each other as the world us and 196 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:16,080 Speaker 1: get to introduce each other two different things that you're into, um, 197 00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:17,800 Speaker 1: which is great because it isn't that the point of 198 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:20,440 Speaker 1: a relationship to like not only share life with someone 199 00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:24,000 Speaker 1: that also kind of expand your own you know, knowledge 200 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:26,960 Speaker 1: and interests and hobbies and things. So but it's really 201 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:30,680 Speaker 1: the things that you're just like you care the most about. Okay, 202 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:33,080 Speaker 1: So that's actually a really good point because I've done 203 00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:36,000 Speaker 1: a thing where you, you know, in manifesting, you right 204 00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:38,200 Speaker 1: out the person that you dreamed up in your life. 205 00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:40,440 Speaker 1: But this is interesting because it puts it back on 206 00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:43,760 Speaker 1: you and what is actually important to you in your 207 00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:46,520 Speaker 1: life and the life you want to create. You have 208 00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:49,199 Speaker 1: to start you have to start dating, like before you're 209 00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:51,800 Speaker 1: even online and sleeping on people's profile, are going on 210 00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:54,320 Speaker 1: on dates. You have to become an expert on yourself. 211 00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:56,600 Speaker 1: You have to like know what matters to you and 212 00:10:56,640 --> 00:11:00,040 Speaker 1: what you're really looking for before you're so foth with 213 00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:02,880 Speaker 1: something as a person, I think that's where people go wrong. 214 00:11:02,920 --> 00:11:05,680 Speaker 1: It's like they create this wishless of what their ideal 215 00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:08,840 Speaker 1: partner has before the even figure all like who they 216 00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:12,160 Speaker 1: really are and like what models most to them. Um. 217 00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:14,440 Speaker 1: Something else I read about on your website that I 218 00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:19,240 Speaker 1: thought was so fascinating was attachment style. Yes, is that 219 00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:23,720 Speaker 1: a huge thing you see in dating and relationships? Attachment 220 00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:26,600 Speaker 1: styles are like, I think the most important thing that 221 00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:30,360 Speaker 1: comes where I think those that are struggling in their 222 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:33,160 Speaker 1: being life but I coached them around. So but the 223 00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:35,959 Speaker 1: some of it is, so your attachment styles are basically 224 00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:40,160 Speaker 1: your level of comfort with closeness and intimacy. And there's 225 00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:43,080 Speaker 1: three laing types of attachment styles and they stoom from 226 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:45,800 Speaker 1: early childhood and we don't have to get into the 227 00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:49,520 Speaker 1: deeper psychology of it, but basically they impact your adult 228 00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:54,679 Speaker 1: romantic relationships. So the three styles are secure, anxious, and avoidant. 229 00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:58,240 Speaker 1: So a secure data is someone who generally really likes 230 00:11:58,280 --> 00:12:03,160 Speaker 1: a lot of closeness and intimacy. They are comfortable talking 231 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:07,240 Speaker 1: about relationship issues, They're very confident, they get along well 232 00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:10,040 Speaker 1: with a lot of people. Um, you know, they're pretty 233 00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:13,360 Speaker 1: like vulnerable people. And I mean vulnerable because we're able 234 00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:15,640 Speaker 1: to put themselves out there without knowing whether or not 235 00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:18,200 Speaker 1: someone likes them off, but they feel confident enough to 236 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:22,839 Speaker 1: express themselves. Versus an anxious data is someone or an 237 00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:26,120 Speaker 1: intious of touchment style is someone who really wants love, 238 00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:29,680 Speaker 1: like desperately, and but they have this underlying fear of 239 00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:32,760 Speaker 1: rejection and it stems from not feeling good enough, not 240 00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:37,800 Speaker 1: feeling worthy of love, not feeling like they deserve um 241 00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:42,880 Speaker 1: this commitment and exclusive relationship um and so so what 242 00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:45,800 Speaker 1: happens is they then tend to avoidant data. So the 243 00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:48,719 Speaker 1: third type is the avoidance they avoidant is someone who 244 00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:52,040 Speaker 1: also wants love, but they love independence and they kind 245 00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:54,679 Speaker 1: of feel smothered in relationships, so they do some really 246 00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:57,960 Speaker 1: bad dating behaviors, like they shut down, they don't like 247 00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,800 Speaker 1: to talk about relationship issues where it's going. They're the 248 00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:02,679 Speaker 1: type where you have a great date and then you 249 00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:06,760 Speaker 1: don't hear from them all week and you're wondering what happened, UM, 250 00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:10,120 Speaker 1: and they kind of feel like losing their independence and 251 00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:13,439 Speaker 1: so what happens, so it's it's like, uh, calie am 252 00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:15,560 Speaker 1: Big from Sex in this City is just a great 253 00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:18,920 Speaker 1: example of an anxious and avoidance. They're like magnetized to 254 00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:22,640 Speaker 1: each other um where they both validate each other's fears. 255 00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:29,200 Speaker 1: Like the anxious person is fearful that someone won't um 256 00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:31,839 Speaker 1: that that that they'll reject them and that they'll leave them, 257 00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:34,280 Speaker 1: and that they'll make them, you know, feel badly about 258 00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:39,360 Speaker 1: themselves and they're worth inherently, and the avoidant data basically 259 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:41,959 Speaker 1: feel like this person is way too me. They weren't 260 00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:44,480 Speaker 1: more than I can give, and they're gonna, you know, 261 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:47,359 Speaker 1: enclage up my freedom and I can't mean to my independence. 262 00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:50,320 Speaker 1: On that cycle goes on and on until you learn 263 00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:52,079 Speaker 1: how to break out of it and become a more 264 00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:55,240 Speaker 1: secure data. So I have a question, can you be 265 00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:58,520 Speaker 1: more than one attachment style? Like can I a certain 266 00:13:58,559 --> 00:14:04,400 Speaker 1: person bring out frients styles in you? So your attachment 267 00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:08,840 Speaker 1: style can shift depending on the relationship that you're in. Typically, 268 00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:12,000 Speaker 1: if you're dating secure, hopefully you'll stay secure because you're 269 00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:15,080 Speaker 1: also dating secure because you don't you basically don't have 270 00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:18,439 Speaker 1: patience for someone avoidant who's playing games and the person 271 00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:21,160 Speaker 1: who's really anxious. It might be kind of a turn off. 272 00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:24,359 Speaker 1: Um it can actually cause you to become more avoidant, 273 00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:26,520 Speaker 1: or if you're dating someone really avoidant, it can be 274 00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:30,000 Speaker 1: cause you to become really anxious. So the idea goal 275 00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:32,320 Speaker 1: or what I help my clients figure out, is if 276 00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:34,320 Speaker 1: they're really anxious because a lot of the times to 277 00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:37,840 Speaker 1: avoidant daters don't come in for help because they're kind 278 00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:41,880 Speaker 1: of okay keeping people at a distance. Um honestly, that 279 00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:44,280 Speaker 1: might get to the point where they really want a relationship. 280 00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:46,200 Speaker 1: But the ones who are really seeking help are the 281 00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:49,280 Speaker 1: people who fall more on the anxious self because it's 282 00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:51,520 Speaker 1: just like they want love that can't figure this out, 283 00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:54,560 Speaker 1: that keep dating people who uh you know, pushing them 284 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:57,400 Speaker 1: away or who are playing games, are getting fed up, 285 00:14:57,720 --> 00:15:00,120 Speaker 1: and so if they can start dating secure you know, 286 00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:03,360 Speaker 1: it can actually really help heal their attachment style and 287 00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:06,160 Speaker 1: their old wounds and they start becoming you know, a 288 00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:09,400 Speaker 1: secure person instead of like when an anxious person gives 289 00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:12,080 Speaker 1: you know, comes to them with their concerns, a secure 290 00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:14,880 Speaker 1: person will validate them and actually listen to them and 291 00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:18,680 Speaker 1: help them feel more secure and calm them down, um, 292 00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:20,960 Speaker 1: so that they then begin to trust this person to 293 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:23,520 Speaker 1: do them and they feel safe and that their partner 294 00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:26,880 Speaker 1: is reliable, and that is so healing for someone. So 295 00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:30,720 Speaker 1: you can absolutely shift your attachments so depending on the 296 00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:34,600 Speaker 1: relationship that you're in, UM, and it's it's really important 297 00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:36,480 Speaker 1: for you if you know that you tend to folle 298 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:41,120 Speaker 1: on one side of the the continuum. Yeah. God, that's 299 00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:44,440 Speaker 1: so fascinating to me. I would say that's probably in 300 00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:48,200 Speaker 1: my younger days, was part of my story for sure, 301 00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:50,560 Speaker 1: and through a lot of work on myself and therapy 302 00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:53,240 Speaker 1: and stuff you do, you can learn to heal from that. 303 00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:55,600 Speaker 1: But that brings me to the next topic I wanted 304 00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:57,160 Speaker 1: to talk to you about. You kind of mentioned the 305 00:15:57,200 --> 00:16:01,160 Speaker 1: ghosting and dating, and let's yeah, dating in twenty nineteen, 306 00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:05,720 Speaker 1: and I find it really difficult sometimes, UM, because a 307 00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:07,880 Speaker 1: lot of people do play games and like I have 308 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,760 Speaker 1: zero interest in that, like I mentioned before, but that 309 00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:14,520 Speaker 1: seems to be a very typical way to do dating 310 00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:17,880 Speaker 1: these days. Do you see that a lot? Um, I've 311 00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:20,240 Speaker 1: seen it a lot, so much to that you actually 312 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:23,480 Speaker 1: end up I was being pitched to do a reality 313 00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:27,560 Speaker 1: key show go and ghost in and but it's like 314 00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:31,240 Speaker 1: this apidemic phenomenon that we're seeing all over the place, 315 00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:34,480 Speaker 1: and it's a really kind of selfish behavior. And I 316 00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:37,520 Speaker 1: think that you know, people do it because they're not 317 00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:40,400 Speaker 1: courteous and be those whole all letting someone down. But 318 00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:44,280 Speaker 1: I always say, you be like emotional maturity to be dating. 319 00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:46,920 Speaker 1: You need to have the emotional maturity to break up 320 00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:49,560 Speaker 1: with someone. So my rule, I don't have a lot 321 00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:52,360 Speaker 1: of rules because, um, I think rules are inflexible. But 322 00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:55,640 Speaker 1: my rule is that if someone expresses interest in seeing 323 00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:58,600 Speaker 1: you again, then you owe them a let down response 324 00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:01,640 Speaker 1: because otherwise they're gonna be sitting there like wasting their 325 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:04,440 Speaker 1: time and energy wondering if here from you, and being 326 00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:07,480 Speaker 1: upset that you're kind of fading or ghosting, and those 327 00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:10,119 Speaker 1: energy that could be better invested back into the dating market. 328 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:12,520 Speaker 1: So send a simple text that just says, hey, it 329 00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:14,320 Speaker 1: was a great meaning, but I just didn't feel a 330 00:17:14,359 --> 00:17:17,680 Speaker 1: connection or you know, our want things your the best 331 00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:21,680 Speaker 1: of luck. So it's really just about becoming a more courteous, 332 00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:26,840 Speaker 1: respectful data. It's really just about being a kind human, right, 333 00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:32,760 Speaker 1: golden rule. Yeah, otherwise you'd like to have done to yourself. Um. 334 00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:36,480 Speaker 1: We also know the research research um that I forget 335 00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:39,640 Speaker 1: the exact number, it's like eight percent of millennial datas 336 00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:43,800 Speaker 1: have been ghosted. Um, But there's research. There's another research 337 00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:47,200 Speaker 1: study that didn't look at ghosting specifically, but it basically 338 00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:50,200 Speaker 1: said the majority of people are getting broken up with 339 00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:54,120 Speaker 1: via text or an email or nowadays social media. Um, 340 00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:59,920 Speaker 1: not even embracing conversation. They're breaking up on social media. 341 00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:03,399 Speaker 1: What like slide into your d M and break up. Yeah, 342 00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:08,520 Speaker 1: it's terrible. God, I thought would being bored and their 343 00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:11,840 Speaker 1: garage ended for ghosting. Like one of my clients had 344 00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:14,879 Speaker 1: gone on a workshop come home literally her husband and 345 00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:18,879 Speaker 1: stuff was just gone from now yeah, and then she 346 00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:21,560 Speaker 1: didn't hear from him for um a couple of months 347 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:25,679 Speaker 1: that he was hiding out at like his parents place basically, 348 00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:29,560 Speaker 1: but he didn't even you know, on the marriage UM 349 00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:35,399 Speaker 1: is like exam avoidant attachment style. Great, that crazy, That 350 00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:38,439 Speaker 1: is actually an avoidant attachment style right though, because you know, 351 00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:41,800 Speaker 1: they struggled to communicate about relationship issues on the stone walls, 352 00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:44,840 Speaker 1: so they would just rather ignore our problem than hav 353 00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:49,520 Speaker 1: an emotional, intimate, maybe difficult conversation. Right. Oh my gosh. 354 00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:51,800 Speaker 1: So do you feel like you You seem like you're 355 00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:56,320 Speaker 1: a supporter UM on your website of online dating, but 356 00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:59,520 Speaker 1: do you do you feel like some of these issues 357 00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:01,720 Speaker 1: are coming up because of what you mentioned before, Like 358 00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:04,480 Speaker 1: the grass is always greener mentality or there's just always 359 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:08,440 Speaker 1: someone around the corner. I think so, and like online dogging, 360 00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:11,159 Speaker 1: dating can actually work. I met my husband online, like 361 00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:14,119 Speaker 1: comes of my clients have met people online, so it 362 00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:17,199 Speaker 1: can work. But I do think that just this, you know, 363 00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:21,639 Speaker 1: kind of dehumanizing behavior because there's always other options. People 364 00:19:21,640 --> 00:19:23,960 Speaker 1: are just getting busy and they're not caring and they're 365 00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:28,080 Speaker 1: honey home their phone. Because what happens is, you know, 366 00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:30,000 Speaker 1: if you wanted to ask someone out on a date 367 00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:32,119 Speaker 1: in the past, it would either be in person or 368 00:19:32,359 --> 00:19:35,439 Speaker 1: pick up a landline and actually dial their number on 369 00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:37,639 Speaker 1: the phone and ask them out. And now that we 370 00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:40,160 Speaker 1: can just like text and email and sense or something 371 00:19:41,240 --> 00:19:44,880 Speaker 1: you don't really ever like envisionable what does this person Basically, 372 00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:47,880 Speaker 1: when I'm hurting their feelings them cry, do I hear 373 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:50,639 Speaker 1: the crack in their voice when they're getting upset? Like, 374 00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:52,800 Speaker 1: we don't see any of that. We just stare at 375 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:56,919 Speaker 1: a screen. Which websites do you see working for people 376 00:19:56,920 --> 00:20:01,239 Speaker 1: the most? So I it's kind of depends on your 377 00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:03,640 Speaker 1: age rains When I will say that there's a continuum 378 00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:06,120 Speaker 1: of datas on every site, so it's not just like 379 00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:09,080 Speaker 1: on all the sites that are advertising themselves as a 380 00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:12,200 Speaker 1: relationships and sites like you're still going to get people 381 00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:14,119 Speaker 1: looking for a hook up, but you're also going to 382 00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:16,640 Speaker 1: get people who are looking to get like engaged tomorrow. 383 00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:18,359 Speaker 1: So part of it is being still of the in 384 00:20:18,359 --> 00:20:21,680 Speaker 1: strategic about creating a really good profile and your online 385 00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:25,520 Speaker 1: dating behavior. But in general, we know that UM the 386 00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:28,919 Speaker 1: average single uses three different apps, So it's like just 387 00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:33,000 Speaker 1: usually like two apps that are more of the you know, 388 00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:37,040 Speaker 1: kind of like a bumble hinge, a coffee meats bagel, 389 00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:40,919 Speaker 1: which depending on your city where you live, can be 390 00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,800 Speaker 1: more or less popular, and then maybe one more leach 391 00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:47,160 Speaker 1: traditional site, so like on match dot com, which actually 392 00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:50,400 Speaker 1: UM is launching and has launched it and they're they're 393 00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:53,119 Speaker 1: currently just matched. They're no longer match dot com because 394 00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:57,720 Speaker 1: they're switching there back end. So so yeah, so I 395 00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:01,159 Speaker 1: think that UM so those are some good ones that 396 00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:03,800 Speaker 1: I like to recommend. And nowadays too, there's literally a 397 00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:06,280 Speaker 1: new app that pops up like every day, so I 398 00:21:06,359 --> 00:21:09,119 Speaker 1: thinks the pounds on the Google Base you it's the 399 00:21:09,119 --> 00:21:12,240 Speaker 1: founder of the app called the League UM, which is 400 00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:14,000 Speaker 1: one that's kind of more like an elite off and 401 00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:17,040 Speaker 1: it's based on connecting me with other people who uh 402 00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:19,280 Speaker 1: I feel like basically linked in right, so like other 403 00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:24,280 Speaker 1: successful UM working singles. But the problem I have found 404 00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:27,040 Speaker 1: with that site is everyone's really career focus and no 405 00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:32,600 Speaker 1: one ruts prioritizing dating UM so so so yeah, I 406 00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:36,000 Speaker 1: would sink just people who try a different UM a 407 00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:38,359 Speaker 1: couple of different ones and see what works best, but 408 00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:41,040 Speaker 1: don't feel the need to download every dating off like 409 00:21:41,359 --> 00:21:44,480 Speaker 1: there's quality people on every site. I've heard it can 410 00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:46,720 Speaker 1: become a full time job. I actually, personally I have 411 00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:49,160 Speaker 1: never done a dating app, but the friends of mine 412 00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:51,760 Speaker 1: who do say that it's can be super time consuming 413 00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:54,760 Speaker 1: if you have too many of them. Absolutely it does, 414 00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:56,840 Speaker 1: and you know sometimes when you're doing dam right, it 415 00:21:56,880 --> 00:21:58,960 Speaker 1: does so like a full time job, or at least 416 00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:01,159 Speaker 1: support time job, because if you're investing, you know you're 417 00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:04,040 Speaker 1: tring and anorgy into it and making it a priority. 418 00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:06,440 Speaker 1: And I guess my question for you, Kelly is why 419 00:22:06,560 --> 00:22:12,400 Speaker 1: have your online dating UM. I gotta get this question 420 00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:16,720 Speaker 1: all the time, I think for me, I have not. 421 00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:19,679 Speaker 1: I always really prefer the real connection. So when I 422 00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:22,600 Speaker 1: meet someone and I feel that connection or you know, 423 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:26,560 Speaker 1: whether it be the eye contact, the conversation, anything like that, 424 00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:29,560 Speaker 1: and I'm such an impath that I just feel those 425 00:22:29,560 --> 00:22:32,720 Speaker 1: things when I'm around the person. So I've always felt 426 00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:34,560 Speaker 1: like if I do a dating app, they're judging me 427 00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:38,960 Speaker 1: based on career or how you look at a picture, 428 00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:41,439 Speaker 1: and I just don't there's something about that that feels 429 00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:43,639 Speaker 1: really gross to me. I don't know how to explain 430 00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:46,680 Speaker 1: it other than that. So my Devil's advocate to that, 431 00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:49,959 Speaker 1: it's just that at the end of the day, if 432 00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:52,159 Speaker 1: you don't mind, you still have to meet them in person. 433 00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:55,280 Speaker 1: So the only way to ever have a relationship is 434 00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:58,280 Speaker 1: to meet in person. And I actually in personal clients, 435 00:22:58,320 --> 00:23:02,680 Speaker 1: to spend like the shows, an amount of time conversing online, 436 00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:05,440 Speaker 1: and to just go and meet in person, because right 437 00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:07,560 Speaker 1: you're not going to be able to feel their ennoty 438 00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:11,159 Speaker 1: and the connection and the temistry almost you meet in person. 439 00:23:11,240 --> 00:23:14,200 Speaker 1: So I kind of say, like I'm a maximalist, I say, 440 00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:16,960 Speaker 1: you can meet online, you can meet in real life, 441 00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:19,360 Speaker 1: but it doesn't matter how you want to meet as 442 00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:22,600 Speaker 1: long as this person is in your life. So you 443 00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:25,919 Speaker 1: can guess like someone's gonna, you know, maybe judge you, 444 00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:28,320 Speaker 1: but they're gonna judge you in in real life too, 445 00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:31,040 Speaker 1: Like they're gonna think either she's cute or she's not cute, 446 00:23:31,119 --> 00:23:36,080 Speaker 1: or like and good teeth or you know all those 447 00:23:36,080 --> 00:23:39,000 Speaker 1: little things. Right. I think that's like I don't want 448 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:41,360 Speaker 1: to be judged that way. But if we just naturally 449 00:23:41,359 --> 00:23:43,600 Speaker 1: do that anyway, you're either attracted to someone or you're not. 450 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:48,480 Speaker 1: But I don't know, I know, I honestly like I've 451 00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:50,679 Speaker 1: met a couple of people lately, so I have been dating. 452 00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:53,240 Speaker 1: So it's you know, I am putting myself out there. 453 00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:55,680 Speaker 1: But if it does dry up, I think I may 454 00:23:55,760 --> 00:24:01,280 Speaker 1: have to just take the plunge because everyone absolutely and 455 00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:03,920 Speaker 1: when you create your dating profile, I see a big 456 00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:08,560 Speaker 1: mistake like people make is they don't spend time crafting 457 00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:11,920 Speaker 1: like a thoughtful, creative, authentic profile. They just stop up 458 00:24:12,119 --> 00:24:16,920 Speaker 1: an emoji or how many people just list adjectives like foodie, adventurous, 459 00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:22,400 Speaker 1: you know, travel um hopefully and if everyone writes those adjectives, 460 00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:25,280 Speaker 1: they lose their meanings. So you have to get really 461 00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:27,359 Speaker 1: good at what I say, convey it, don't say it. 462 00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:30,800 Speaker 1: So you really want to bring your profile to life. Um, 463 00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:33,600 Speaker 1: you know, if you love to travel, don't just write traveler, right, 464 00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:38,040 Speaker 1: you know, just like got back from you know, smoking 465 00:24:38,119 --> 00:24:41,280 Speaker 1: in the Great Verery in Australia and I can't wait 466 00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:44,360 Speaker 1: to tackle Costa Rica next, or you know, like actually, 467 00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:48,520 Speaker 1: and then of course tie in some of your core 468 00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:51,320 Speaker 1: values so people automatically get a sense of what you 469 00:24:51,359 --> 00:24:54,040 Speaker 1: stand for, what you're into, what models most to you, 470 00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:57,000 Speaker 1: because if you're dating with intend to find someone who 471 00:24:57,040 --> 00:24:59,080 Speaker 1: has those same core values. If you see that on 472 00:24:59,119 --> 00:25:03,080 Speaker 1: the profile, you're gonna gravitates with that immediately. That's so true. 473 00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:05,800 Speaker 1: I actually like I don't hear. The other three reason 474 00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:07,800 Speaker 1: I don't do it is I hear horror stories all 475 00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:10,400 Speaker 1: the time. I have not really had any friends find 476 00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:12,679 Speaker 1: success on these apps, and I just hear about all 477 00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:14,840 Speaker 1: the terrible days they go on. But maybe that's something 478 00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:17,680 Speaker 1: to think about, is how specific are you being and 479 00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:20,560 Speaker 1: what maybe you're not really putting out there, what you're 480 00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:24,879 Speaker 1: looking for completely or what you are absolutely And I 481 00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:27,480 Speaker 1: always encourage clients to kind of do like a three 482 00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:31,480 Speaker 1: part profile where it's see, describe things about yourself, you 483 00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:33,640 Speaker 1: kind of what you're hoping to me and someone else, 484 00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:35,720 Speaker 1: and then us like what do you guys want to 485 00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:37,960 Speaker 1: be together? If you want to like, you know, brunch 486 00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:41,600 Speaker 1: every Sunday and no crep together. Do you want you know, 487 00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:44,040 Speaker 1: want to get power couple and like dominant your careers? 488 00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:46,320 Speaker 1: Like what is it that you stand for? So you 489 00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:48,840 Speaker 1: can gnvailable in your profile even on some of the 490 00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:50,920 Speaker 1: folks that only give you when you were up like 491 00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:54,360 Speaker 1: a hundred and fifty characters to five hundred. Um, there 492 00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:56,919 Speaker 1: is a way to make it meaningful. The other thing 493 00:25:57,000 --> 00:26:01,280 Speaker 1: I will said, yes stories that. The other thing too 494 00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:04,280 Speaker 1: is like I feel like people wow or the kids 495 00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:07,000 Speaker 1: says they date. But here's the thing, what that's for 496 00:26:07,080 --> 00:26:10,200 Speaker 1: Your friends probably wouldn't be the person you want a date, 497 00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:12,760 Speaker 1: so I always they take your friends as like dating 498 00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:15,520 Speaker 1: experiences or critiques or a grain of So of course, 499 00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:19,399 Speaker 1: if there's like egregious awful behavior, then um, you know 500 00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:22,120 Speaker 1: that's terrible. But I think one person doesn't like about 501 00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:24,960 Speaker 1: someone you could really adore about that person. So this 502 00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:27,560 Speaker 1: is your local if not, you know your friends as 503 00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:30,399 Speaker 1: love lives, right, that's true those stories I've heard, I 504 00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:34,040 Speaker 1: would not want that person either. No, but you said 505 00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:37,480 Speaker 1: you met your husband on a dating app. I did, Yeah, 506 00:26:37,520 --> 00:26:41,119 Speaker 1: and lots of my clients have, so it is possible. Um, 507 00:26:41,320 --> 00:26:43,199 Speaker 1: but I think it has to move quickly. Like, I 508 00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:45,840 Speaker 1: think you don't have to have clearly not attracted to 509 00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:48,159 Speaker 1: their photos. It's probably going to be a no go 510 00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:51,320 Speaker 1: that if you're attracted to their photos. And I eight 511 00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:56,199 Speaker 1: of human. So many people are like looking for perfection. 512 00:26:56,280 --> 00:26:59,000 Speaker 1: And if they see one long thing like and his 513 00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:01,760 Speaker 1: wife left or like that want to meet thing could 514 00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:03,800 Speaker 1: be like you hate the fact that they're wearing like 515 00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:07,440 Speaker 1: a Metallica T shirt and you love comes of music. Right, 516 00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:12,399 Speaker 1: so it's just you know, well, like the angle of 517 00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:14,840 Speaker 1: their nose, like other noise is kind of big next 518 00:27:15,160 --> 00:27:18,280 Speaker 1: um versus right, if you're paying attention, if you have 519 00:27:18,280 --> 00:27:21,400 Speaker 1: a great profile or a perform makes someone laugh, then 520 00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:25,560 Speaker 1: you can actually connact, have a smart exchange and were exchange. 521 00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:28,119 Speaker 1: It's not an interview. It's banter the same way you 522 00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:31,400 Speaker 1: might banter with someone, um, you know, at a bar, 523 00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:35,240 Speaker 1: and then you exchange numbers and you make logistical plans 524 00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:37,200 Speaker 1: to meet up and you see if there's chemistry of it. 525 00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:40,440 Speaker 1: So many people talk to people for like two weeks, 526 00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:44,080 Speaker 1: three weeks, and then they meet up. There's no chemistry, 527 00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:46,840 Speaker 1: and then you just invested all of this time for 528 00:27:46,920 --> 00:27:50,720 Speaker 1: what reason? Right? Does there a number like as a 529 00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:55,119 Speaker 1: relationship coach, do you recommend how many people do you 530 00:27:55,119 --> 00:27:57,439 Speaker 1: recommend going on days without a time. I've always been 531 00:27:57,440 --> 00:28:00,040 Speaker 1: a serial monogamous, so like I'll meet someone and and 532 00:28:00,119 --> 00:28:03,960 Speaker 1: we start dating, Like unless I really am interested in them, 533 00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:06,080 Speaker 1: I just don't really go on more than one day. 534 00:28:06,280 --> 00:28:08,000 Speaker 1: But then I'll meet someone, we go on a bunch 535 00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:11,800 Speaker 1: of days, and before I know, we're in a relationship. Yeah, um, 536 00:28:11,840 --> 00:28:14,879 Speaker 1: I love. I always encourage people that date multiple people 537 00:28:14,880 --> 00:28:16,960 Speaker 1: at once, because you know, you don't want to put 538 00:28:16,960 --> 00:28:19,200 Speaker 1: all your eggs on basket impress if you get rejected. 539 00:28:19,280 --> 00:28:22,240 Speaker 1: It just it feels better to know there's many other 540 00:28:22,280 --> 00:28:25,359 Speaker 1: options out there. Um, and you're kind of distracted with 541 00:28:25,400 --> 00:28:28,919 Speaker 1: your other days. So that's kind of one issue that 542 00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:32,440 Speaker 1: a lot of people have though, is they either continue 543 00:28:32,480 --> 00:28:35,080 Speaker 1: to kind of date around because we never really give 544 00:28:35,160 --> 00:28:39,080 Speaker 1: like one personal two chance, and so it takes effort 545 00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:42,000 Speaker 1: to like nurture a relationship so that you can really 546 00:28:42,040 --> 00:28:45,360 Speaker 1: see if there's potential. So you do hit a point 547 00:28:45,440 --> 00:28:47,520 Speaker 1: where you either have to put both seed in or 548 00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:50,640 Speaker 1: I say both fingers and stop swiping online, don't shill 549 00:28:50,680 --> 00:28:54,600 Speaker 1: commit to this one person exclusively and and see, uh 550 00:28:54,680 --> 00:28:57,280 Speaker 1: if it has you know what it takes to to 551 00:28:57,360 --> 00:29:00,320 Speaker 1: make it work, because when we're dating multiple key people 552 00:29:00,360 --> 00:29:03,240 Speaker 1: for a prolonged amount of town, you're like never really 553 00:29:03,280 --> 00:29:07,560 Speaker 1: putting in enough effort to give one relationship a chance, right, Like, 554 00:29:07,600 --> 00:29:09,479 Speaker 1: how do you fully get to know someone if you're 555 00:29:09,560 --> 00:29:13,640 Speaker 1: dating multiple people? Yeah, and so that's whout dating with intent. 556 00:29:13,800 --> 00:29:15,840 Speaker 1: It's like if you're dating in and it's talking about 557 00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:18,880 Speaker 1: core values and getting a sense of what they're passionate about, 558 00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:22,600 Speaker 1: and um, if you guys kind of want the same things. 559 00:29:22,720 --> 00:29:25,800 Speaker 1: After I would say, without like fault dates, you should 560 00:29:25,840 --> 00:29:29,239 Speaker 1: know that does those poleson have potential? Maybe you're not 561 00:29:29,280 --> 00:29:32,640 Speaker 1: necessarily ready to be exclusive within five dates, But if 562 00:29:32,680 --> 00:29:36,040 Speaker 1: you don't know within like five days that this person 563 00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:39,560 Speaker 1: has potential, then you're not digging deep enough and you're 564 00:29:39,600 --> 00:29:42,360 Speaker 1: not like really dating with intent. So you've got to 565 00:29:42,360 --> 00:29:44,400 Speaker 1: ask some of the harder hitting questions and you've got 566 00:29:44,520 --> 00:29:46,960 Speaker 1: to be more vulnerable and you know, share more and 567 00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:50,480 Speaker 1: create more emotional intimacy. But after five dates, you should 568 00:29:50,520 --> 00:29:52,560 Speaker 1: have a pretty good sense of who this person is 569 00:29:52,600 --> 00:29:55,320 Speaker 1: and like who is just about yeah kind of committing 570 00:29:55,360 --> 00:29:57,800 Speaker 1: and writing it out and seeing do we have what 571 00:29:57,840 --> 00:30:00,600 Speaker 1: it takes to make it work? Because the The worst 572 00:30:00,720 --> 00:30:04,000 Speaker 1: case is that you cut things off too soon with 573 00:30:04,080 --> 00:30:06,959 Speaker 1: someone because people don't really like to give second chances. 574 00:30:07,360 --> 00:30:09,440 Speaker 1: You know, if you commit to someone and you know, God, 575 00:30:09,520 --> 00:30:11,880 Speaker 1: forget that your boyfriend or girlfriend and it doesn't work, 576 00:30:12,000 --> 00:30:14,400 Speaker 1: you can break up. But if you cut it. But 577 00:30:14,440 --> 00:30:17,040 Speaker 1: if you cut it off too before really exploring it, 578 00:30:17,120 --> 00:30:19,600 Speaker 1: then you just miss out on what could be you know, 579 00:30:19,680 --> 00:30:24,080 Speaker 1: your your key or your person. Um, was there one 580 00:30:24,240 --> 00:30:28,360 Speaker 1: overall blanket statement of advice that you would give to 581 00:30:28,480 --> 00:30:36,680 Speaker 1: everyone who's out there dating right now? Overall blanket? UM? 582 00:30:36,720 --> 00:30:39,760 Speaker 1: I guess when my work often comes back to his 583 00:30:39,880 --> 00:30:42,360 Speaker 1: attachment styles, so I would just say, like, no one 584 00:30:42,400 --> 00:30:45,360 Speaker 1: will attach them styles, and like when you're feeling triggered 585 00:30:45,440 --> 00:30:49,000 Speaker 1: because um, and with the idea to date towards a 586 00:30:49,080 --> 00:30:53,120 Speaker 1: secure behavior. So what that actually means is if you're 587 00:30:53,120 --> 00:30:56,200 Speaker 1: feeling anxious, anxious people like love to go with the 588 00:30:56,280 --> 00:30:58,360 Speaker 1: highs and the lows and the dramas. So if you're 589 00:30:58,360 --> 00:31:00,640 Speaker 1: feeling triggered, if you're waiting by the phone for someone 590 00:31:00,640 --> 00:31:03,040 Speaker 1: to call or text you back, if you're like stopper 591 00:31:03,280 --> 00:31:06,640 Speaker 1: or prioritizing yourself and like you know, you're cancling your 592 00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:08,760 Speaker 1: plans with friends so that you can have your schedule 593 00:31:08,800 --> 00:31:11,760 Speaker 1: wide open for this guy to call you. Um. That 594 00:31:11,840 --> 00:31:14,920 Speaker 1: means the personal dating is likely avoidant because they're not 595 00:31:15,000 --> 00:31:18,959 Speaker 1: making it's a little secure and you are kind of 596 00:31:18,960 --> 00:31:23,120 Speaker 1: tossing and you're giving them a control um versus a 597 00:31:23,240 --> 00:31:25,640 Speaker 1: secure data. This person is gonna let you know that 598 00:31:25,680 --> 00:31:28,600 Speaker 1: they want to see you. You're gonna communicate clearly with 599 00:31:28,640 --> 00:31:30,760 Speaker 1: them that you want to see them. We're gonna lay 600 00:31:30,760 --> 00:31:32,560 Speaker 1: it out on the table. They're gonna be confident, they're 601 00:31:32,560 --> 00:31:36,000 Speaker 1: gonna be secure. And that's really the name of the game, right, 602 00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:37,640 Speaker 1: because we all just want to have like a more 603 00:31:37,840 --> 00:31:42,080 Speaker 1: enjoyable dating experience with like less dreaming. So the drama 604 00:31:42,080 --> 00:31:45,200 Speaker 1: that comes with dating is really just your auctivated attachment 605 00:31:45,280 --> 00:31:48,680 Speaker 1: system because like real true love, Yes there was like 606 00:31:48,720 --> 00:31:52,520 Speaker 1: excitement and passion, but I really love that last is reliable, 607 00:31:52,680 --> 00:31:56,840 Speaker 1: it's consistent, it's dependable, it's honest, it's communicative. Like none 608 00:31:56,880 --> 00:32:01,920 Speaker 1: of those are su adjectives, but honestly that sounds so 609 00:32:02,000 --> 00:32:06,200 Speaker 1: sexy to me, right, and speak in your language. Yes, 610 00:32:06,880 --> 00:32:08,680 Speaker 1: that's what it takes to be, you know, like a 611 00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:13,880 Speaker 1: secure adult, functioning healthy relationship. So when there's too much 612 00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:17,360 Speaker 1: less in drama and you know you're writing that rollercoach 613 00:32:17,480 --> 00:32:19,640 Speaker 1: or like, that's a really good sign to you that 614 00:32:19,840 --> 00:32:23,360 Speaker 1: you're in like the ants avoiding trap. I think that's 615 00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:26,360 Speaker 1: so interesting. And you did bring up the relationship piece. 616 00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:28,520 Speaker 1: So once you get into a relationship, you do a 617 00:32:28,560 --> 00:32:30,720 Speaker 1: lot of work with people already in relationships as well. 618 00:32:30,720 --> 00:32:34,000 Speaker 1: It's not just about dating, right all right? Yeah? I 619 00:32:34,040 --> 00:32:36,920 Speaker 1: read a postum on your website that said the eight 620 00:32:36,960 --> 00:32:41,840 Speaker 1: mistakes you can make in a relationship. Yea. So once 621 00:32:41,880 --> 00:32:45,000 Speaker 1: you get in this relationship, you find your partner. What 622 00:32:45,040 --> 00:32:48,360 Speaker 1: are you seeing that that are happening in people's relationships 623 00:32:48,360 --> 00:32:51,800 Speaker 1: these days? Sure, well, there's so much. I think one 624 00:32:51,800 --> 00:32:55,720 Speaker 1: of the big ones is you you don't know how 625 00:32:56,080 --> 00:32:59,160 Speaker 1: to speak your partner's love line with So if people 626 00:32:59,160 --> 00:33:01,200 Speaker 1: don't know your love in wages a little way you'd 627 00:33:01,200 --> 00:33:04,840 Speaker 1: like to receive love, but sometimes so well, in a 628 00:33:04,880 --> 00:33:07,120 Speaker 1: different way than we like to receive. But so the 629 00:33:07,720 --> 00:33:11,640 Speaker 1: whiches it could be words of affirmations, you love plays 630 00:33:11,760 --> 00:33:15,320 Speaker 1: and m you know, like love letters and things that 631 00:33:15,400 --> 00:33:18,360 Speaker 1: let you know how wonderful you are. There's quality trying 632 00:33:18,400 --> 00:33:21,800 Speaker 1: to send and divided attention with each other. There's physical 633 00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:25,480 Speaker 1: touch and not of stocks, but physical you know, affection, 634 00:33:25,680 --> 00:33:29,320 Speaker 1: holding hands, kissing, cuddling. There is this so not so 635 00:33:29,440 --> 00:33:32,680 Speaker 1: much the material in itself, but like the thoughtfulness behind 636 00:33:32,720 --> 00:33:35,560 Speaker 1: the gifts seems to be what matters most. And then 637 00:33:35,560 --> 00:33:39,920 Speaker 1: there's acts of service, so showing love by cooking dinner, 638 00:33:40,040 --> 00:33:43,040 Speaker 1: doing the dishes, gassing up your partner's car, all these 639 00:33:43,040 --> 00:33:45,440 Speaker 1: ways to help kind of make their life easier and 640 00:33:45,480 --> 00:33:48,680 Speaker 1: take stress off of their shoulders. So a big mistake 641 00:33:48,800 --> 00:33:51,240 Speaker 1: I see is that people are just speaking where the 642 00:33:51,400 --> 00:33:53,560 Speaker 1: language comes in the truly for them to show up, 643 00:33:53,640 --> 00:33:55,960 Speaker 1: but it might not be the way their partner wants 644 00:33:56,000 --> 00:33:58,840 Speaker 1: to receive it. So you're really kind of missing the 645 00:33:58,920 --> 00:34:01,560 Speaker 1: boat here because maybe you know, you're doing the dishes 646 00:34:01,640 --> 00:34:04,080 Speaker 1: and cleaning up the house, and all your partner wants 647 00:34:04,200 --> 00:34:06,600 Speaker 1: is like a big hug, or they just want you 648 00:34:06,640 --> 00:34:08,520 Speaker 1: to text them during the day to let them know 649 00:34:08,560 --> 00:34:11,480 Speaker 1: how like wonderful they are and beautiful and I miss them. 650 00:34:11,880 --> 00:34:15,760 Speaker 1: So that's for sure one mistake that people are making 651 00:34:15,880 --> 00:34:19,759 Speaker 1: is not speaking the love languages. And then maybe just 652 00:34:19,800 --> 00:34:22,799 Speaker 1: another one because there's so many. Um. Part of the 653 00:34:22,840 --> 00:34:27,320 Speaker 1: communication pattern, right is when someone uh stone walls or 654 00:34:27,440 --> 00:34:30,879 Speaker 1: shuts down or on the other end, like is an 655 00:34:30,880 --> 00:34:34,920 Speaker 1: explosive arguer. So you know, there's clear ways that we 656 00:34:35,000 --> 00:34:39,080 Speaker 1: can become more effective communitys in our relationship. And it 657 00:34:39,200 --> 00:34:41,920 Speaker 1: keeps my clients what i'd call my love kepnique all 658 00:34:42,040 --> 00:34:46,560 Speaker 1: U v E, which is stons for listen, understand, the validate, 659 00:34:46,560 --> 00:34:49,719 Speaker 1: and empathize. When we can't listen to understand, validate and 660 00:34:49,760 --> 00:34:53,239 Speaker 1: empathize our partner, um, you're never gonna have You're never 661 00:34:53,239 --> 00:34:55,879 Speaker 1: gonna be able to work through conflict because so many 662 00:34:55,880 --> 00:34:58,080 Speaker 1: people that did their heals in and they're holding it 663 00:34:58,160 --> 00:34:59,920 Speaker 1: at their point and they just want to feel her, 664 00:35:00,200 --> 00:35:03,400 Speaker 1: and they the more their partner defends their side, the 665 00:35:03,440 --> 00:35:06,440 Speaker 1: more you just kind of um again, I kind of 666 00:35:06,480 --> 00:35:09,040 Speaker 1: dig your hues in and nothing ever gets resolved. So 667 00:35:09,120 --> 00:35:13,000 Speaker 1: it's really about validating your partner's emotional experience someone thought, 668 00:35:13,000 --> 00:35:15,480 Speaker 1: whether you think they're right or wrong, or that they're 669 00:35:15,520 --> 00:35:18,560 Speaker 1: like rational or irrational, it's just the fact that your 670 00:35:18,600 --> 00:35:22,320 Speaker 1: partners in a certain way. So it's your job into 671 00:35:22,320 --> 00:35:25,640 Speaker 1: their shoes and where they're feeling, are growing being able 672 00:35:25,680 --> 00:35:28,359 Speaker 1: to empathize with them. And so you said you're an 673 00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:30,600 Speaker 1: own plat, so I would imagine that's gonna be really 674 00:35:30,640 --> 00:35:33,160 Speaker 1: important to you. It's like someone can feel with you 675 00:35:33,520 --> 00:35:37,200 Speaker 1: right it is you're right, and that's that's I think 676 00:35:37,200 --> 00:35:38,600 Speaker 1: you can go to. I can go to extremes at 677 00:35:38,640 --> 00:35:40,719 Speaker 1: least like I being an impact, I have to put 678 00:35:40,760 --> 00:35:43,520 Speaker 1: up super strong boundaries and relationships because I can go 679 00:35:43,560 --> 00:35:46,000 Speaker 1: to extreme with it where I feel everything they're feeling, 680 00:35:46,040 --> 00:35:47,840 Speaker 1: and like you said, you can kind of revolve around 681 00:35:47,840 --> 00:35:53,320 Speaker 1: that person. But it is all about learning about yourself. 682 00:35:53,480 --> 00:35:56,200 Speaker 1: And I think you're right about how your partner wants 683 00:35:56,200 --> 00:35:58,080 Speaker 1: serious you love. So it's once you get in the 684 00:35:58,120 --> 00:36:01,560 Speaker 1: relationship the work still continue. Is a vulnerability and all 685 00:36:01,600 --> 00:36:04,680 Speaker 1: of that stuff. Absolutely, And I think it's funny because 686 00:36:04,719 --> 00:36:07,200 Speaker 1: like when we're single and dating, it feels like box 687 00:36:07,320 --> 00:36:10,600 Speaker 1: that big yes, But the truth is once you find 688 00:36:10,680 --> 00:36:13,279 Speaker 1: your one partner that you're gonna be with it too. 689 00:36:14,040 --> 00:36:15,880 Speaker 1: It's just the two of you for the roles of 690 00:36:17,239 --> 00:36:20,160 Speaker 1: are just all logically like, but's happily ever after that's 691 00:36:20,200 --> 00:36:23,600 Speaker 1: when like the real effort begins because when you're dating, 692 00:36:23,640 --> 00:36:25,800 Speaker 1: you know, once you find someone really well, I was 693 00:36:25,840 --> 00:36:28,480 Speaker 1: all exciting and the honeymoon stage and all these you know, 694 00:36:28,560 --> 00:36:31,640 Speaker 1: chemicals that make you feel. So it's sense that I'm passionate, 695 00:36:31,960 --> 00:36:34,520 Speaker 1: but then look like, well what happens, you know, two 696 00:36:34,680 --> 00:36:37,520 Speaker 1: kids later, or when we lose our job or we 697 00:36:37,600 --> 00:36:40,040 Speaker 1: have to move or you know, like all these life 698 00:36:40,200 --> 00:36:42,560 Speaker 1: issues get thrown at you and like you have this 699 00:36:42,640 --> 00:36:45,319 Speaker 1: one person by your side, which leads me to say, 700 00:36:45,360 --> 00:36:47,880 Speaker 1: another mistake I see couple's make is like they don't 701 00:36:47,920 --> 00:36:51,120 Speaker 1: have each other's staff, they don't have a teammate mentality. 702 00:36:51,480 --> 00:36:54,240 Speaker 1: They have like the me tester instead of the foster, 703 00:36:54,840 --> 00:36:58,759 Speaker 1: and they're not really you know, taking into account their 704 00:36:58,800 --> 00:37:03,359 Speaker 1: partners wishes or wants or desires. And that's one of 705 00:37:03,360 --> 00:37:06,359 Speaker 1: like the hardest parts about being in a committed relationship 706 00:37:06,560 --> 00:37:11,200 Speaker 1: is is balancing prioritizing yourself and your own kind of independence, 707 00:37:11,600 --> 00:37:15,120 Speaker 1: creating a healthy interdependence, and being able to put your 708 00:37:15,480 --> 00:37:18,319 Speaker 1: your partner's needs first. Sometimes, like son, when you don't 709 00:37:18,360 --> 00:37:22,319 Speaker 1: feel like doing something, you know, you're constantly questioning, like 710 00:37:22,400 --> 00:37:24,480 Speaker 1: what is it that they want? How can I make 711 00:37:24,520 --> 00:37:26,680 Speaker 1: their life you do? How can I make them happy? 712 00:37:27,080 --> 00:37:29,840 Speaker 1: And when we both hold that spook for our partners, 713 00:37:29,920 --> 00:37:33,520 Speaker 1: that are also can be other than these again in 714 00:37:33,520 --> 00:37:37,400 Speaker 1: that but you can't only focus on yourself, right, what 715 00:37:37,440 --> 00:37:39,760 Speaker 1: do you think the biggest thing people are really looking 716 00:37:39,760 --> 00:37:45,520 Speaker 1: for in relationships is so I don't think they necessarily know, 717 00:37:45,719 --> 00:37:48,279 Speaker 1: because I think they keep it more, you know, superficial 718 00:37:48,360 --> 00:37:50,279 Speaker 1: or like everyone must say, I just want someone who 719 00:37:50,280 --> 00:37:52,960 Speaker 1: makes me off, I just want really hot sex, or 720 00:37:53,280 --> 00:37:54,960 Speaker 1: I just want someone who will go on dates to 721 00:37:55,040 --> 00:37:57,760 Speaker 1: be But I think what we really need, which sounds 722 00:37:57,800 --> 00:38:02,880 Speaker 1: like you like, is like we need safety, that reliability, dependability, consistency, 723 00:38:03,040 --> 00:38:07,160 Speaker 1: knowing our partner has our back. We need that open communication, 724 00:38:07,400 --> 00:38:11,439 Speaker 1: someone to seek our love language basically like an emotional home. 725 00:38:11,600 --> 00:38:14,600 Speaker 1: So I always your partner is your emotional home who 726 00:38:14,640 --> 00:38:18,239 Speaker 1: just makes you feel like you heard, understood, gives you 727 00:38:18,280 --> 00:38:21,080 Speaker 1: a sense of the long moon in the most crazy world. 728 00:38:22,239 --> 00:38:25,480 Speaker 1: I love this conversation and honestly like hearing you talk, 729 00:38:26,120 --> 00:38:28,239 Speaker 1: You're stating all of the things I've been looking for, 730 00:38:28,320 --> 00:38:30,839 Speaker 1: and it truly is really hard to find out there. 731 00:38:30,920 --> 00:38:33,359 Speaker 1: I think that it's a great conversation to start though, 732 00:38:33,480 --> 00:38:37,920 Speaker 1: for people to really put the foundation back in relationships 733 00:38:38,000 --> 00:38:41,000 Speaker 1: and the vulnerability and getting to know yourself just as 734 00:38:41,080 --> 00:38:44,359 Speaker 1: much as you want to get to know your partner absolutely. 735 00:38:44,480 --> 00:38:47,000 Speaker 1: And then I guess one question, tell you, how's the 736 00:38:47,040 --> 00:38:52,520 Speaker 1: manifested going? Has anyone entered into your your life, your 737 00:38:52,680 --> 00:39:00,600 Speaker 1: nis maybe, um, you know, actually yes, And what's been 738 00:39:00,640 --> 00:39:03,480 Speaker 1: happening for me is the order I've gotten and the 739 00:39:03,520 --> 00:39:06,760 Speaker 1: more dating experiences that I have had. I've been writing 740 00:39:06,800 --> 00:39:09,960 Speaker 1: down what's not working for me and then what's working. 741 00:39:09,960 --> 00:39:13,920 Speaker 1: And I'm manifested years ago, and I do think that 742 00:39:13,960 --> 00:39:16,680 Speaker 1: it was a little more surface, you know, there wasn't 743 00:39:17,400 --> 00:39:20,200 Speaker 1: as much true depth to the qualities that I was 744 00:39:20,239 --> 00:39:24,000 Speaker 1: looking for in a person. And that's really changed for 745 00:39:24,040 --> 00:39:26,920 Speaker 1: me over the years. So I haven't specifically set out 746 00:39:26,920 --> 00:39:28,640 Speaker 1: and said, Okay, I'm writing down this man that I 747 00:39:28,719 --> 00:39:34,480 Speaker 1: want to find, but I've been very intentional about the 748 00:39:34,560 --> 00:39:36,480 Speaker 1: kind of life that I want to live and the 749 00:39:37,000 --> 00:39:42,640 Speaker 1: partner that I'm looking for. Um. And yeah, so I thinking, 750 00:39:43,280 --> 00:39:48,120 Speaker 1: I think what people go wrong right can seem very passive, 751 00:39:48,600 --> 00:39:50,799 Speaker 1: but it's not because it's not like this, I'm gonna 752 00:39:50,800 --> 00:39:53,960 Speaker 1: make this fishless and send it out person, keep my 753 00:39:54,040 --> 00:39:56,200 Speaker 1: feet up and see what comes my way. It's like 754 00:39:56,480 --> 00:40:00,160 Speaker 1: you're writing it all down, but then you have your 755 00:40:00,239 --> 00:40:02,279 Speaker 1: life and you're putting those up in situations where you 756 00:40:02,280 --> 00:40:04,920 Speaker 1: can meet people, and you're prioritizing yourself and creating this 757 00:40:05,080 --> 00:40:08,319 Speaker 1: like magnificent ful feeling life that's going to be very 758 00:40:08,360 --> 00:40:11,759 Speaker 1: attractive to other people. And so I think, you know, 759 00:40:12,760 --> 00:40:16,000 Speaker 1: the woods can sometimes get a bad rob or like 760 00:40:16,040 --> 00:40:18,040 Speaker 1: people just think it's like, okay, let me just say 761 00:40:18,120 --> 00:40:20,720 Speaker 1: this down and not do anything. But it's like doing 762 00:40:20,719 --> 00:40:23,200 Speaker 1: it and then being intentional about your courses and living 763 00:40:23,239 --> 00:40:27,480 Speaker 1: your life in alignment with what you want to create. Absolutely, 764 00:40:27,480 --> 00:40:30,400 Speaker 1: And I think even just saying living your life because 765 00:40:30,400 --> 00:40:32,600 Speaker 1: what I've seen a lot, I mean within myself and 766 00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:35,399 Speaker 1: then amongst my friends is you don't want to put 767 00:40:35,440 --> 00:40:37,520 Speaker 1: yourself out there, and like you said, there's always someone 768 00:40:37,520 --> 00:40:39,520 Speaker 1: around the other corner. So it's kind of easy to 769 00:40:39,520 --> 00:40:42,799 Speaker 1: do the surface kind of dating these days. And for me, 770 00:40:43,200 --> 00:40:45,399 Speaker 1: that is not what I want and I know that, 771 00:40:45,640 --> 00:40:49,520 Speaker 1: but it takes being very vulnerable to find what I'm 772 00:40:49,520 --> 00:40:51,799 Speaker 1: looking for, you know, and keep trying. And I think 773 00:40:51,840 --> 00:40:55,360 Speaker 1: sometimes it can be really scary, but it's super important, 774 00:40:55,719 --> 00:40:59,239 Speaker 1: I know for me. Yeah, And then vulnerability, I think 775 00:40:59,239 --> 00:41:03,040 Speaker 1: it's such a like the perfect word because vulnerability, being 776 00:41:03,680 --> 00:41:07,160 Speaker 1: vulnerable and mean, he's like showing you and letting yourself 777 00:41:07,160 --> 00:41:10,160 Speaker 1: be seen without knowing how the other person is going 778 00:41:10,200 --> 00:41:12,360 Speaker 1: to respond. Earth where come up the date? So it 779 00:41:12,400 --> 00:41:16,000 Speaker 1: means putting yourselves out there. Vulnerability is not like having 780 00:41:16,080 --> 00:41:18,440 Speaker 1: verbal diarrhea and laying out all of the drama and 781 00:41:18,480 --> 00:41:21,120 Speaker 1: baggage on the table. Like vulnerability is saying I've been 782 00:41:21,200 --> 00:41:23,400 Speaker 1: hurt and love in the past, but I'm willing to 783 00:41:23,440 --> 00:41:26,440 Speaker 1: put myself back out there without knowing if it's going 784 00:41:26,480 --> 00:41:29,839 Speaker 1: to work out again. Yes, and that's the only way 785 00:41:29,880 --> 00:41:34,439 Speaker 1: to create connection, and it is. I think most people 786 00:41:34,480 --> 00:41:37,160 Speaker 1: are looking to connect. That's what I was thinking whenever 787 00:41:37,200 --> 00:41:39,600 Speaker 1: I asked you that question, because I feel like, yeah, well, 788 00:41:40,120 --> 00:41:42,280 Speaker 1: I love that you asked that, because there's a really 789 00:41:42,320 --> 00:41:45,279 Speaker 1: great match always put out in the annual singles in 790 00:41:45,280 --> 00:41:48,399 Speaker 1: the Momical survey, and basically what they found was that 791 00:41:48,880 --> 00:41:52,279 Speaker 1: despite all of these apps and ways to connect that 792 00:41:52,360 --> 00:41:55,280 Speaker 1: like over the like, the majority of people over fifty 793 00:41:56,000 --> 00:41:59,759 Speaker 1: feel lonely. Yeah, and they feel technology has made made 794 00:41:59,760 --> 00:42:05,840 Speaker 1: it so. I think connection and not this just false 795 00:42:05,880 --> 00:42:08,440 Speaker 1: sense of like online world that we want to like 796 00:42:08,880 --> 00:42:14,960 Speaker 1: deeply know someone and to also be seen exactly. Wow, Samantha, 797 00:42:15,040 --> 00:42:16,600 Speaker 1: thank you so much. I could talk about this with 798 00:42:16,640 --> 00:42:20,319 Speaker 1: you for days. This is great. Thank you. Where do 799 00:42:20,400 --> 00:42:25,160 Speaker 1: people find you? So? I'm mostly living on Instagram? I 800 00:42:25,280 --> 00:42:29,120 Speaker 1: love successfully I'm also on Facebook as well. I've loved 801 00:42:29,160 --> 00:42:32,880 Speaker 1: successfully and if people are going through specifically like a 802 00:42:32,960 --> 00:42:35,640 Speaker 1: breakup and getting ready to day again. I also have 803 00:42:35,719 --> 00:42:38,400 Speaker 1: another account clip Breakup bounce Back, where I post some 804 00:42:38,520 --> 00:42:41,719 Speaker 1: really funny just breakup means. But in my comments I 805 00:42:41,760 --> 00:42:44,719 Speaker 1: always give you some good advice and quality information, so 806 00:42:44,800 --> 00:42:47,640 Speaker 1: make sure to read them. Um along over I love 807 00:42:47,680 --> 00:42:50,399 Speaker 1: successfully dot com and on your website you talk about 808 00:42:50,400 --> 00:42:53,000 Speaker 1: I mean, I think you have a practice obviously, but 809 00:42:53,080 --> 00:42:55,640 Speaker 1: you also do virtual sessions with people if they're interested. 810 00:42:55,719 --> 00:42:59,000 Speaker 1: Absolutely yes, So I do work with clients all across 811 00:42:59,120 --> 00:43:03,360 Speaker 1: the country and even internationally. So I have applications for 812 00:43:03,480 --> 00:43:07,200 Speaker 1: breakup coaching, dating coaching, and relationship coaching if you're currently 813 00:43:07,200 --> 00:43:09,920 Speaker 1: seeing someone and need more like a couple's therapy approach. 814 00:43:10,040 --> 00:43:12,759 Speaker 1: So um I work. Yeah. So I would love you 815 00:43:12,760 --> 00:43:14,960 Speaker 1: know if anyone listening really feels like they need some 816 00:43:15,040 --> 00:43:18,360 Speaker 1: hand holding and support, some tough love. I am your girl, 817 00:43:19,239 --> 00:43:22,640 Speaker 1: So you guys text Samantha out online and also her 818 00:43:22,680 --> 00:43:25,640 Speaker 1: book is breaking Up and Bouncing Back, Moving on to 819 00:43:25,719 --> 00:43:29,160 Speaker 1: create the love life you deserve. Samantha, thank you so much. 820 00:43:29,719 --> 00:43:33,759 Speaker 1: Thanks Kelly. Bye. This is Kelly Henderson and you've been 821 00:43:33,800 --> 00:43:37,400 Speaker 1: listening to the Velvet's Edge podcast. I truly believe that 822 00:43:37,520 --> 00:43:39,600 Speaker 1: every one of us has a little velvet and a 823 00:43:39,640 --> 00:43:42,400 Speaker 1: little edge, so it's so important to remember that to 824 00:43:42,480 --> 00:43:45,759 Speaker 1: be strong, you must be soft too. Thank you so 825 00:43:45,840 --> 00:43:48,400 Speaker 1: much for sharing in those stories with me. You can 826 00:43:48,440 --> 00:43:51,719 Speaker 1: follow Velvet's Edge on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter, as well 827 00:43:51,760 --> 00:43:54,600 Speaker 1: as velvet's Edge dot com. If you haven't yet, go 828 00:43:54,680 --> 00:43:58,400 Speaker 1: to Apple Podcasts and subscribe, rate and review this podcast. 829 00:43:58,880 --> 00:44:03,000 Speaker 1: Join me every Wednesday for more conversations on lifestyle, beauty, 830 00:44:03,040 --> 00:44:08,719 Speaker 1: and relationships. Thanks for listening, m HM.