1 00:00:10,640 --> 00:00:14,320 Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly 2 00:00:14,360 --> 00:00:19,160 Speaker 1: conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small 3 00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:22,320 Speaker 1: decisions we can make to become the best possible versions 4 00:00:22,360 --> 00:00:26,440 Speaker 1: of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy hard and Bradford, 5 00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:31,880 Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or 6 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:35,400 Speaker 1: to find a therapist in your area, visit our website 7 00:00:35,520 --> 00:00:39,120 Speaker 1: at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. While I hope 8 00:00:39,159 --> 00:00:43,040 Speaker 1: you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it 9 00:00:43,159 --> 00:00:46,080 Speaker 1: is not meant to be a substitute for a relationship 10 00:00:46,159 --> 00:00:57,240 Speaker 1: with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so 11 00:00:57,320 --> 00:00:59,400 Speaker 1: much for joining me for session to eighty four of 12 00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:02,600 Speaker 1: the Therapy for Black Girl's podcast. We'll get right into 13 00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:14,679 Speaker 1: our conversation after a word from our sponsors. This week, 14 00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:17,759 Speaker 1: we're circling back on an episode from our archive that 15 00:01:17,800 --> 00:01:20,919 Speaker 1: not only matches the literal season we're in, but also 16 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:23,400 Speaker 1: reflects the world we're still trying to figure out how 17 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:26,640 Speaker 1: to navigate growing up. You might have heard that people's 18 00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:29,240 Speaker 1: moods changed with the season, but did you know that 19 00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:32,880 Speaker 1: there's actually some science behind that. Despite fall and winter 20 00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:36,400 Speaker 1: being a time for family traditions and celebrations, it's also 21 00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:40,360 Speaker 1: a time when more people may experience feelings of sadness, irritability, 22 00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:44,759 Speaker 1: and fatigue. In this conversation with Dr Allison Paul Hicks, 23 00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:49,160 Speaker 1: we talked about season or effective disorder, are sad, tips 24 00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:52,840 Speaker 1: for managing depressive symptoms, how we can tell if symptoms 25 00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:55,720 Speaker 1: are something we should be concerned about, how to support 26 00:01:55,760 --> 00:01:59,120 Speaker 1: ourselves in this reimagined holiday season, and some of the 27 00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:02,400 Speaker 1: relationship channe lenges that arose during the pandemic and how 28 00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:06,000 Speaker 1: to manage them. If something resonates with you while enjoying 29 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:09,400 Speaker 1: our conversation, please share with us on social media using 30 00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:13,680 Speaker 1: the hashtag tpg in session or join us over in 31 00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:16,200 Speaker 1: this sister circle to talk more in depth about the episode. 32 00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:19,000 Speaker 1: You can join us at community that Therapy for Black 33 00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:25,560 Speaker 1: Girls dot com. Here's our conversation. Thank you so much 34 00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:28,120 Speaker 1: for joining us today, Dr Alie, Well, thank you for 35 00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:30,760 Speaker 1: having me. Yes, it feels like we are overdue for 36 00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:32,880 Speaker 1: a conversation, so I'm very glad we were able to 37 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:36,040 Speaker 1: get you on the schedule. So you may have seen 38 00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:39,240 Speaker 1: this meme floating around social media with all the Spider 39 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:43,440 Speaker 1: Man's pointing at one another. Right with seasonal Effective depression 40 00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:47,079 Speaker 1: meets COVID depression meets normal depression, right, and it kind 41 00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:50,440 Speaker 1: of feels like that is where many of us are, right, Like, 42 00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:52,840 Speaker 1: it just feels like there's been so much going on 43 00:02:52,919 --> 00:02:56,160 Speaker 1: this year and now we are hitting peak winter season. 44 00:02:56,560 --> 00:03:01,160 Speaker 1: Let's start off by defining what seasonal effective disorder is. Well, 45 00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:03,800 Speaker 1: what it is is, it's an increase in depressive symptoms 46 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:08,600 Speaker 1: around specific seasons. Most commonly those seasons would be the 47 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:12,200 Speaker 1: beginning of fall through winter. Some people do experience some 48 00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:16,920 Speaker 1: seasonal effective disorder in spring that is very rare. The 49 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:22,200 Speaker 1: average person experiences this decrease in affect, this increase in sadness, 50 00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:26,360 Speaker 1: maybe even some thoughts of suicide, low volition, low desire 51 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:27,800 Speaker 1: to do things that they used to live to do, 52 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:32,560 Speaker 1: sleep alterations, changes in diet, and maybe even some level 53 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:36,119 Speaker 1: of irritability. The experience some of those symptoms normally starting 54 00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:39,600 Speaker 1: in fall or winter. There really isn't any difference in 55 00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:44,400 Speaker 1: what those symptoms look like versus you just had depressive disorder, 56 00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:47,000 Speaker 1: you know, not otherwise specified or something like that. So 57 00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:49,560 Speaker 1: can you talk about what people might be expecting or 58 00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:54,000 Speaker 1: experiencing this year given what has been Like I think 59 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:55,840 Speaker 1: you said it perfectly. It's the too many spider Man 60 00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:59,400 Speaker 1: like model. We have too many overlaying issues. There's a 61 00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:01,400 Speaker 1: lot of issues is happening right now because I mean, 62 00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:05,160 Speaker 1: we also have Black Lives Matter. We also have people 63 00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:08,240 Speaker 1: concerned about their health insurance. We have people worried about 64 00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:10,720 Speaker 1: their jobs, we have people worried about, you know, their 65 00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:12,720 Speaker 1: rights on multiple different groups that are dealing with rights, 66 00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:16,280 Speaker 1: from doctor people to people dealing with LGBT issues. There's 67 00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:20,479 Speaker 1: so many co occurring stressors right now. Is it's something 68 00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:22,960 Speaker 1: that I think we haven't seen in a hundred years, 69 00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:25,159 Speaker 1: and so most of us were not alive, and those 70 00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:27,920 Speaker 1: of us who are a hundred weren't alive enough to 71 00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:32,320 Speaker 1: have done anything hundred years ago. And so what people 72 00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:35,120 Speaker 1: can expect and what is it really typical is maybe 73 00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:38,560 Speaker 1: some increased sadness right a level of sadness, maybe some 74 00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:42,159 Speaker 1: slight changes in rhythm, like for example, people really haven't 75 00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:43,560 Speaker 1: been getting out of bed at the same time that 76 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:45,840 Speaker 1: they used to when they used to have a job 77 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:47,360 Speaker 1: that they had to go to every day, so they 78 00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:48,680 Speaker 1: had to be up at five thirty in the morning 79 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:50,760 Speaker 1: to get ready. Maybe you're waking up at seven thirty 80 00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:53,599 Speaker 1: instead or eight o'clock or nine o'clock, and some of 81 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:56,200 Speaker 1: those things are kind of expected. When you want to 82 00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:59,920 Speaker 1: begin to get concerned is when these alterations begin to 83 00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:03,640 Speaker 1: damage or alter the function of your life. So if 84 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:06,640 Speaker 1: now your diet and your appetite has changed so much 85 00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:09,000 Speaker 1: that you're either gaining weight without trying to or losing 86 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:11,920 Speaker 1: weight without trying to, that's something to be concerned about. 87 00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:14,120 Speaker 1: If you notice that your sleep is changing so much 88 00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:17,120 Speaker 1: that now you're sleeping throughout the whole day, or you're 89 00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:19,000 Speaker 1: not sleeping at night at all when you used to, 90 00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:21,080 Speaker 1: these are types of changes that you want to keep 91 00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:23,719 Speaker 1: an eye out for. And how would we know, though, 92 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:26,279 Speaker 1: Dr Alie, I mean because so much of that already 93 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:30,400 Speaker 1: change because of the pandemic, right, And so how would 94 00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:34,760 Speaker 1: I know whether my functioning looks different now than it 95 00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:37,080 Speaker 1: might have? Like what I'd be comparing it to last 96 00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:39,640 Speaker 1: year this time? Like what markers should I be looking for? 97 00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:42,960 Speaker 1: I say, we might need to narrow the comparison window now, 98 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:45,080 Speaker 1: compare it to two months ago to three months ago, 99 00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:48,359 Speaker 1: because we do have a baseline COVID function and I 100 00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:50,640 Speaker 1: think that we've kind of reached a point at least here, 101 00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:53,800 Speaker 1: you know, in California, I can only speak to. We've 102 00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:56,200 Speaker 1: been in in a level of quarantine since March nineteen 103 00:05:57,560 --> 00:05:59,960 Speaker 1: and so we've all had a number of different experience. 104 00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:03,880 Speaker 1: Is like for me the first two weeks, I was petrified, 105 00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:07,960 Speaker 1: utterly petrified. I didn't sleep, I was in bed all day, 106 00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:11,160 Speaker 1: though I was sad, I was anxious, had so many emotions. 107 00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:13,320 Speaker 1: It was really difficult for me to function. And then 108 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:15,840 Speaker 1: I started to kind of lift and everything started to 109 00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:18,440 Speaker 1: kind of you know, smooth out. Am I the same 110 00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:20,560 Speaker 1: way I was last year at this time? I don't 111 00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:23,320 Speaker 1: think so, But I think we begin to identify a 112 00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:26,000 Speaker 1: rhythm that we have for COVID. So if you, let's say, 113 00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:27,359 Speaker 1: I don't know who's doing this, but if you like 114 00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:30,440 Speaker 1: showered every day during COVID, I don't know who's doing that. 115 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,800 Speaker 1: Maybe I'm telling them myself I did shower today. But 116 00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:37,640 Speaker 1: if you showered every day, and now you notice you're 117 00:06:37,640 --> 00:06:40,800 Speaker 1: showering once a week, or you're showing every third day, 118 00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:43,200 Speaker 1: or you're showing every other day, that's something you can notice. 119 00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:46,520 Speaker 1: So comparing your current functioning to where it was a 120 00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:48,640 Speaker 1: few months ago, I think is the way we have 121 00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:51,599 Speaker 1: to treat it now. Mm hmmm. That's a good idea. 122 00:06:51,839 --> 00:06:53,640 Speaker 1: And let's back up a little bit. So what is 123 00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:58,040 Speaker 1: it about the change in season that causes this difference 124 00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:00,480 Speaker 1: in functioning. Yeah, it is all about sun to shine. 125 00:07:00,839 --> 00:07:03,719 Speaker 1: It is all about sunshine. Is that humans need sunshine 126 00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:06,760 Speaker 1: in order to create vitamin D. It's one of the 127 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:08,800 Speaker 1: best ways we create vitamin D. Obviously, now we have 128 00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:11,760 Speaker 1: vitamins and things that we can take supplements, but vitamin 129 00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:13,600 Speaker 1: D from the sun is so important. It helps to 130 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:16,600 Speaker 1: elevate mood. It helps to regulate circadian rhythms as well. 131 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:19,640 Speaker 1: So we also have melatonin that's impacted by our access 132 00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:23,120 Speaker 1: to the sun and as well as serotonin, and serotonin 133 00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:24,960 Speaker 1: is something we're all very familiar with when it comes 134 00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:27,560 Speaker 1: to people with depression. One of the first medications they 135 00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:29,640 Speaker 1: take is an S s r I, which is a 136 00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:33,520 Speaker 1: selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor. So serotonin is really important in 137 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:36,520 Speaker 1: the way that we process emotions. And so when we 138 00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:40,080 Speaker 1: have these two chemicals and one vitamin or mineral that 139 00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:43,800 Speaker 1: are off, it can really change our behavior, the way 140 00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:45,640 Speaker 1: that we feel in our own skin, and the way 141 00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:48,000 Speaker 1: that we relate to others. And so it is key 142 00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:50,480 Speaker 1: to try to get as much sunlight as possible if 143 00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:52,800 Speaker 1: you're in a state that has any California has some 144 00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:55,720 Speaker 1: right now, but other states are under cloud cover, and 145 00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:57,920 Speaker 1: so a lot of people have been getting those lights, 146 00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:02,240 Speaker 1: those um sunlights, and it's really important because as we 147 00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:05,200 Speaker 1: have more night time, we just have less hours in 148 00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:07,400 Speaker 1: the day. One of my best friends with the Sweden 149 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:09,760 Speaker 1: and I think they get there getting like five hours 150 00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:12,880 Speaker 1: of sunshine to day now m hm, and winter hasn't 151 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:16,040 Speaker 1: even fully hit right, right, So can you talk more 152 00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:17,680 Speaker 1: about the lights? I know a lot of people. Do 153 00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:20,040 Speaker 1: you like the light boxes? Right? And I love that 154 00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:22,800 Speaker 1: they have become so much more accessible because like teen 155 00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:25,800 Speaker 1: years ago, like I remember, we would rip them out 156 00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:28,720 Speaker 1: to students in the counseling center, right, because it wasn't 157 00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:31,720 Speaker 1: something that you could individually afford. But it feels like 158 00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:34,040 Speaker 1: now there are lots of affordable versions. Can you talk 159 00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:36,600 Speaker 1: a little bit about how the light boxes work? Yes, 160 00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:39,640 Speaker 1: they released the same type of wavelength that the sun 161 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:42,640 Speaker 1: would and so you can sit near these lights, sitting 162 00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:45,080 Speaker 1: upon what kind of light you have, you can you know, 163 00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:47,400 Speaker 1: turn it up as high as you can. You can 164 00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:49,679 Speaker 1: get some of the benefits that you would have had 165 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:53,520 Speaker 1: from sunshine from these lights, and it's particularly important for 166 00:08:53,559 --> 00:08:56,320 Speaker 1: people of color because melanine helps to protect us from 167 00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:58,800 Speaker 1: the light from UV raised by reflecting more of the 168 00:08:58,880 --> 00:09:00,920 Speaker 1: UV raised back. And so what it does is now 169 00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:04,000 Speaker 1: we need more sunshine because our ancestors came from places 170 00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:06,160 Speaker 1: that were full of sunshine for large months of the year, 171 00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:08,960 Speaker 1: so we not need more. And so you see African 172 00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:12,600 Speaker 1: Americans and people with darker complexions, with richer complexions, we'll 173 00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:15,480 Speaker 1: need more access to sunlight. And there's also a number 174 00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:18,560 Speaker 1: of studies that show that the level of sunlight that 175 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:23,560 Speaker 1: you absorbed in your region between birth and the age 176 00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:26,880 Speaker 1: of fifteen is the way that your body processes sun 177 00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:30,079 Speaker 1: and produces vitamin D. So if your first fifteen years 178 00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:34,079 Speaker 1: you spent living in you know, southern California, for example, 179 00:09:34,520 --> 00:09:37,760 Speaker 1: and then you moved to New England, you're now going 180 00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:41,240 Speaker 1: to be experiencing less sunlight, and so you definitely need 181 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:44,800 Speaker 1: to get your supplements on, get that light, and get 182 00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:47,520 Speaker 1: a therapist to make sure that you can make up 183 00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:50,360 Speaker 1: for some of the sunlight you're missing now. So how 184 00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:53,200 Speaker 1: we're talking with the therapists help right now if so 185 00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:56,000 Speaker 1: much of it is related to sunlight. Yeah, one of 186 00:09:56,000 --> 00:10:00,079 Speaker 1: the recommendations cognitive behavioral therapy because though we need this 187 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:03,520 Speaker 1: on light, we need the vitamin. We all need to 188 00:10:03,559 --> 00:10:06,200 Speaker 1: get a certain sense of motivation and a certain understanding 189 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,760 Speaker 1: of why it as we're going through what we're going through, 190 00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:11,880 Speaker 1: because thoughts still matter. So even though there's definitely a 191 00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:16,200 Speaker 1: biological component, and I'm very interested in the biology, but 192 00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:20,040 Speaker 1: it is important to gain a level of motivation and 193 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:23,280 Speaker 1: understanding about what it is you're dealing with. And so 194 00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:27,480 Speaker 1: cognitive behavioral therapy will help you to focus out your 195 00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:31,000 Speaker 1: thoughts impact emotions and think about how your emotions impact 196 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,960 Speaker 1: your behavior, and so you can start also think your 197 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:35,960 Speaker 1: way through some of this, so you can get the 198 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,800 Speaker 1: motivating lights and get the motivation to take for yourself, 199 00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:41,240 Speaker 1: so you can get the motivation to also rely on 200 00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:45,520 Speaker 1: other people, because sometimes we don't see our symptoms. So 201 00:10:45,559 --> 00:10:47,600 Speaker 1: are there other things that you would suggest? I mean, 202 00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:49,560 Speaker 1: and again, you know we've already talked about like just 203 00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:52,920 Speaker 1: the multiple stressors that we've been experiencing this year. But 204 00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:55,840 Speaker 1: I also think now we're moving into the holiday season 205 00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:59,439 Speaker 1: right and because of COVID, we know our holidays are 206 00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:01,320 Speaker 1: not going to look the same. You know, people are 207 00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:04,360 Speaker 1: encouraging us not to travel and not to really gather 208 00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:07,320 Speaker 1: with family that we aren't already living with, right, And 209 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,920 Speaker 1: so I know that that as an additional stressor can 210 00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:12,440 Speaker 1: you talk a little bit about what kinds of things 211 00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:14,559 Speaker 1: people might be able to do to kind of reimagine 212 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,880 Speaker 1: the holiday season this year. Yeah, it's hard. I've had 213 00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:21,040 Speaker 1: a lot of people really concerned about that. And I think, 214 00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:25,320 Speaker 1: number one, it's okay to grieve the normalcy that we 215 00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:28,439 Speaker 1: used to have, the normalcy that we experienced in getting 216 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:29,880 Speaker 1: to go to your parents house. It's okay to be 217 00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:31,520 Speaker 1: sad about it. And I think there's a lot of 218 00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:33,760 Speaker 1: people that are trying to cover that sadness with something else, like, oh, 219 00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:35,559 Speaker 1: I don't want to be sad really productive, I don't 220 00:11:35,559 --> 00:11:37,680 Speaker 1: want to be sad. Maybe this it's okay to be said. 221 00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:41,400 Speaker 1: It is the most normal, typical, acceptable thing you can do. 222 00:11:41,679 --> 00:11:44,360 Speaker 1: So that's number one. I would allow myself to grieve 223 00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:46,560 Speaker 1: in the way that I conceptualized life. I have like 224 00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:52,239 Speaker 1: these four piece of life. It is play, purpose, practices, 225 00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:55,720 Speaker 1: and people and practices are going to be different this year, 226 00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:58,120 Speaker 1: and so are people. And so those are four of 227 00:11:58,160 --> 00:12:00,600 Speaker 1: the things that give us a sense of balance and 228 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,600 Speaker 1: a sense of like, you know, this is what life is. 229 00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:07,040 Speaker 1: And so when it comes to practices, those are the 230 00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:09,360 Speaker 1: traditions that we maintain. Those are you know, everyone has 231 00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:12,240 Speaker 1: their seat that Thanksgiving, and so and so brings this 232 00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:14,480 Speaker 1: food every year, and so and so brings that food, 233 00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:16,800 Speaker 1: and this is a person that always has family prayer. 234 00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:19,000 Speaker 1: So practices are going to be a little different. But 235 00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:22,040 Speaker 1: humans love tradition, and so this year we can't begin 236 00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:25,719 Speaker 1: to create new traditions. So get a little this is 237 00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:29,720 Speaker 1: gonna sound crazy, get excited about creating something new. And 238 00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:31,360 Speaker 1: I know a lot of people are not feeling that, 239 00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:33,720 Speaker 1: and I'm like, I am absolutely not going to get 240 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:37,200 Speaker 1: excited about doing something new. But changing the way that 241 00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:39,800 Speaker 1: we perceive things and changing the way that we talk 242 00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:42,720 Speaker 1: about things can really help elevate your mood. If you 243 00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:45,400 Speaker 1: tell yourself, I'm not going to have the family around 244 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:47,120 Speaker 1: that I want to have, I'm not going to have 245 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,800 Speaker 1: the Thanksgiving that I want that's going to shape and 246 00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:53,040 Speaker 1: form a particular emotion. But as you tell yourself, you know, 247 00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:55,719 Speaker 1: I get to do this this year. Instead, I get 248 00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:58,520 Speaker 1: to practice making my own food for a whole Thanksgiving 249 00:12:58,559 --> 00:13:02,000 Speaker 1: dinner like that sounds a little interesting, but I'm taking 250 00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:04,400 Speaker 1: it as like a challenge because one day I'm going 251 00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:06,040 Speaker 1: to be the head of my family and all the 252 00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:08,720 Speaker 1: elders in my family will be gone, and what am 253 00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:10,840 Speaker 1: I gonna do? How am I going to run my Thanksgiving? 254 00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:14,000 Speaker 1: And so starting that tradition this year of identifying what 255 00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:16,559 Speaker 1: do I like to cook, how do I run Thanksgiving? 256 00:13:16,559 --> 00:13:19,200 Speaker 1: How does it work for me, and so really diving 257 00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:21,319 Speaker 1: into the creativity of it, which is not going to 258 00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:24,480 Speaker 1: be super easy, I acknowledge, but it is possible, and 259 00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:26,400 Speaker 1: you can do it in tiny amounts, and you know, 260 00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:28,160 Speaker 1: make it fun to do something this year if you're 261 00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:32,880 Speaker 1: doing it differently, and then the the Z word, you 262 00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:38,520 Speaker 1: might have to zoom. I know it's it's nobody wants 263 00:13:38,559 --> 00:13:41,160 Speaker 1: to do them anymore. It's a thing. I get it. 264 00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:42,680 Speaker 1: You want to see your family, you want to be 265 00:13:42,760 --> 00:13:45,640 Speaker 1: in their faces. But for the sake of your future 266 00:13:45,679 --> 00:13:47,840 Speaker 1: and for the sake of everyone's health, it is important 267 00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:50,440 Speaker 1: to stay at home. And so my family, for example, 268 00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:55,120 Speaker 1: we're swapping recipes. So there's one recipe that my uncle 269 00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:57,120 Speaker 1: still will not give us, and I am like, if 270 00:13:57,160 --> 00:14:01,839 Speaker 1: he doesn't give us recipe, I swear I'm gonna lose it. 271 00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:05,360 Speaker 1: But so we're swapping recipes, and so that's like a 272 00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:08,040 Speaker 1: new family tradition. We've never given each other recipes. We 273 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:10,920 Speaker 1: just come with our own stuff, Like I make this 274 00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:14,600 Speaker 1: cranberry sauce from scratch, which is not super difficult, but 275 00:14:14,679 --> 00:14:17,520 Speaker 1: it makes a big difference. So, you know, I'm giving 276 00:14:17,559 --> 00:14:19,680 Speaker 1: that recipe, and my aunt is giving us her vegan 277 00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:22,600 Speaker 1: macaroni and cheese recipe, and I'm adding vegan bacon to mine, 278 00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:26,600 Speaker 1: you know, And so start something new, make it fun, 279 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,760 Speaker 1: make it interesting, so you can try to make the 280 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:32,400 Speaker 1: best of this moment. M hmm. More from my conversation 281 00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:44,360 Speaker 1: with Dr Ali after the break. Yeah, And I also 282 00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:46,720 Speaker 1: think that it could be if you can allow yourself 283 00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:48,880 Speaker 1: to be in this space. I also think it could 284 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:51,160 Speaker 1: be good for people to just decide, you know what, 285 00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:54,280 Speaker 1: holidays are stressful and this year I'm not doing anything 286 00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:57,160 Speaker 1: right like that, It is also okay to give yourself 287 00:14:57,160 --> 00:15:00,160 Speaker 1: permission to kind of relax this year because things are 288 00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:04,360 Speaker 1: so different. I totally agree. Like watch a Charlie Grant 289 00:15:04,360 --> 00:15:08,200 Speaker 1: wait to Charlie brannt have Thanksgiving special Christmas? No, we 290 00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:10,200 Speaker 1: just watched it this Friday, So he definitely has a 291 00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:13,400 Speaker 1: Thanksgiving special. You see what saying, like, turn on something 292 00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:16,240 Speaker 1: that makes you feel good, Listen to some music that 293 00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:19,160 Speaker 1: makes you feel good. If you don't want to cook, don't. 294 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:21,400 Speaker 1: If you want to have microwave popcorn, eat that popcorn. 295 00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:23,920 Speaker 1: Like this is a year of taking care of self. 296 00:15:24,560 --> 00:15:27,960 Speaker 1: If we've learned anything from this COVID time, we have 297 00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:31,680 Speaker 1: to find a way to to feel as comfortable as 298 00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:33,920 Speaker 1: we can, because there's so much discomfort in the world. 299 00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:35,760 Speaker 1: So I totally agree with you. If you don't want 300 00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:37,800 Speaker 1: to make Thanksgiving a thing, you're fully allowed to not 301 00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:40,640 Speaker 1: make make Thanksgiving a thing. The same goes for Christmas. 302 00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:43,680 Speaker 1: Mm hmmmmmm. Yeah. I think that's true any year, but 303 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:46,480 Speaker 1: I think especially this year, right because I think there 304 00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:48,680 Speaker 1: is a lot of pressure, like, Okay, let's see how 305 00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:50,440 Speaker 1: creative we can't get with zoom. And I think that 306 00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:52,840 Speaker 1: that's great if that's where you are, right, But I 307 00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:55,000 Speaker 1: also think that it can be an opportunity for people 308 00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:56,560 Speaker 1: to just say, you know what, I'm just gonna take 309 00:15:56,600 --> 00:16:00,560 Speaker 1: the holiday off for real this year and just relax. Yeah, 310 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:03,400 Speaker 1: because I know in California we're there's a shutdown down 311 00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:08,280 Speaker 1: coming on November of all restaurants. They're only doing take out. 312 00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:10,600 Speaker 1: You can't sit outside in a restaurant, you can sit 313 00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:12,560 Speaker 1: inside in the restaurant. They're done. And a lot of 314 00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:14,360 Speaker 1: my friends are really worried about it because they're like, 315 00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:17,800 Speaker 1: that was my Thanksgiving plan. You know, it's me and 316 00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:20,400 Speaker 1: my partner going to sit outside at a restaurant, and 317 00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:23,640 Speaker 1: now everything's changed. And I mean we're like four days 318 00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:26,680 Speaker 1: out and so so some of those people might just, 319 00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:30,200 Speaker 1: you know, decide to just not do anything right or 320 00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:33,680 Speaker 1: just do take out or just take I have a 321 00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:35,280 Speaker 1: girlfriend's like, I don't like take out, but I'm like, 322 00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:40,280 Speaker 1: well that you I get that though, I get that different. Yeah, 323 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:42,360 Speaker 1: the ambiance is very different. And I think that that 324 00:16:42,520 --> 00:16:44,640 Speaker 1: is what a lot of people have struggled with this year, right, 325 00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:47,160 Speaker 1: is that it is different. And so I think when 326 00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:49,800 Speaker 1: people are trying to like make it be the same, 327 00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:52,400 Speaker 1: that's when they get caught up because it's not the same. 328 00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:55,200 Speaker 1: But we can still have an appreciation for this is 329 00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:58,480 Speaker 1: not the same, but it's still meaningful exactly. And I 330 00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:01,560 Speaker 1: think meaning is something that is so important to humans. 331 00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:05,240 Speaker 1: We love to ask why that is a meaning? Lad 332 00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:07,920 Speaker 1: in question, why is this happening. Why why why? And 333 00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:12,320 Speaker 1: so creating meaning around you know, the new traditions. Maybe 334 00:17:12,359 --> 00:17:14,760 Speaker 1: the new tradition is I chill out under a blanket 335 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:17,320 Speaker 1: and drink some very nice wine. That's what I do 336 00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:19,879 Speaker 1: for Thanksgiving this year. That's the tradition that I'm setting 337 00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:21,159 Speaker 1: up for this year, and that's what going to do. 338 00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:23,639 Speaker 1: And this holds meaning to me because like this is 339 00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:26,040 Speaker 1: the meaning that it holds. It's about self care, it's 340 00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:29,520 Speaker 1: about experiencing, it's about mindfulness. Whatever. So Dr Elie, I 341 00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:31,160 Speaker 1: would love for you to talk to us more about 342 00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:35,160 Speaker 1: these four ps, not just related to you know, right now, 343 00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:38,280 Speaker 1: but like even as we think about moving into one 344 00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:40,360 Speaker 1: and what nixt year might be like, can you tell 345 00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:42,119 Speaker 1: us more about those four ps and how we might 346 00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:46,200 Speaker 1: kind of really focus on enhancing those in our lives. Absolutely, 347 00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:49,920 Speaker 1: so we have practices obviously, which is the traditions that 348 00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:53,960 Speaker 1: we've you know, gotten from whoever in our family. Traditions 349 00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:56,840 Speaker 1: can pop up quickly. Let we have people, right, we 350 00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:59,840 Speaker 1: are social creatures. Humans have evolved in frontal lobe and 351 00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:04,040 Speaker 1: to connect with other people. It is our central drive. Like, 352 00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:06,200 Speaker 1: no matter what some people say, I don't like people, 353 00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:08,879 Speaker 1: I'm like yes, you do, like we have to go 354 00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:11,480 Speaker 1: to the grocery store. I don't plant plants, I don't 355 00:18:11,480 --> 00:18:14,840 Speaker 1: make food. I don't build buildings. House I'm sitting in 356 00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:17,800 Speaker 1: right now was built by a person. So I need people. 357 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:20,480 Speaker 1: If you're tired of people, I get that, But people 358 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:24,199 Speaker 1: is very important. So identifying the types of people you 359 00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:26,439 Speaker 1: want in your life is also very important, not just 360 00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:30,680 Speaker 1: about intimate relationships or sexual relationships, but all levels of relationships. 361 00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:33,840 Speaker 1: The number one challenge that has been brought to me 362 00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:39,760 Speaker 1: during COVID from my clients has been feeling overwhelmed and undersupported, 363 00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:42,720 Speaker 1: and it comes typically from African American women. I've noticed 364 00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:45,520 Speaker 1: a pattern where we tend to be everything for everyone, 365 00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:47,960 Speaker 1: but then when the rubber hits the road, and now 366 00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:51,600 Speaker 1: we're kind of breaking down. We haven't built relationships with 367 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:53,960 Speaker 1: people that can support us as much as we support them, 368 00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:57,639 Speaker 1: and so beginning to make those adjustments now, I'm beginning 369 00:18:57,680 --> 00:19:01,120 Speaker 1: to identify in yourself who is able to be there 370 00:19:01,119 --> 00:19:03,159 Speaker 1: for you in that way. Because here's the thing, if 371 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:06,840 Speaker 1: relationship isn't toxic, it doesn't necessarily have to be everything 372 00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:10,040 Speaker 1: for you. Right this person doesn't have to do absolutely everything, 373 00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:13,800 Speaker 1: but identifying what and what role people play in your life. 374 00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:17,119 Speaker 1: This is important. I'm actually putting together like this toxicity scale, 375 00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:20,120 Speaker 1: or we're trying to measure like the toxicity of people's relationships, 376 00:19:20,119 --> 00:19:22,160 Speaker 1: and I'll get back to y'all and how that works out. 377 00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:25,480 Speaker 1: So I think it's important because I think sometimes a 378 00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:26,840 Speaker 1: lot of things that I see too when it comes 379 00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:30,840 Speaker 1: to the people component of my four ps is when 380 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:33,679 Speaker 1: dating a lot of my clients kind of and and 381 00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:35,400 Speaker 1: just people in general, and not I'm just my clients, 382 00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:39,200 Speaker 1: they confuse assholes for alpha males, and I hear a 383 00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:43,600 Speaker 1: lot of people making excuses for genuinely destructive, toxic behavior 384 00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:46,280 Speaker 1: from their partners, and they're like, well, he's just an alpha. 385 00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:49,280 Speaker 1: That's what alpha's do. No, no, no, Barack Obama is 386 00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:52,680 Speaker 1: an alpha. He's not cheating on his wife as far 387 00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:56,480 Speaker 1: as we know, knock on wood, he's not disrespecting his wife, 388 00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:59,160 Speaker 1: he's not ignoring his children, he's not focused so much 389 00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:03,080 Speaker 1: on his career that he's totally alienated and isolated himself. 390 00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:06,919 Speaker 1: So really understanding that just because somebody seems powerful doesn't 391 00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:09,840 Speaker 1: make them that way, and so really understanding relationships, so 392 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:14,560 Speaker 1: p people is so important so structuring that for yourself. 393 00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:18,080 Speaker 1: Then play is all about hobbies, things that you just 394 00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:20,359 Speaker 1: enjoyed for the sake of enjoying them. These are just 395 00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:23,359 Speaker 1: your loves. We really lost contact with that because the 396 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:25,600 Speaker 1: things I love to do I can't do anymore. I 397 00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:27,880 Speaker 1: love the shop. I will sit in the store all day. 398 00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:32,119 Speaker 1: I literally take it as a hobby of mine. Oh God. 399 00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:34,000 Speaker 1: And I'm not even like the discount person. I just 400 00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:38,399 Speaker 1: want beautiful things. And that's changed, you know, even with 401 00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:41,400 Speaker 1: technology with you know, for me, my hobby changed once 402 00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:44,199 Speaker 1: online shopping emerged because I can't do what I like 403 00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:46,320 Speaker 1: to do, which is touched and sniff and hold everything 404 00:20:46,359 --> 00:20:49,240 Speaker 1: and play with it. And so play is all the 405 00:20:49,560 --> 00:20:51,800 Speaker 1: Aligning with your hobby is aligning with the things that 406 00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:53,960 Speaker 1: just genuinely make you happy. These are the things that 407 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:57,520 Speaker 1: make life for living. Travel for some people, for the people, 408 00:20:57,560 --> 00:21:00,320 Speaker 1: it's writing. For some people it's you know, exces size 409 00:21:00,359 --> 00:21:03,400 Speaker 1: and running and you know, things like that. So aligning 410 00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:06,159 Speaker 1: with your play what's important to you because ultimately we 411 00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:09,800 Speaker 1: might not be children anymore, but children learned fundamentally through play, 412 00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:12,800 Speaker 1: and play is a huge component of human life. So 413 00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:16,000 Speaker 1: tap into that part of yourself and your play, what's important, 414 00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:19,959 Speaker 1: what's fun to you? Then purpose, which is something I'm 415 00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:22,720 Speaker 1: actually working on so deeply right now. I just started 416 00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:26,920 Speaker 1: this membership service called the Du Collective, And in the 417 00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:29,720 Speaker 1: Du Collective, one of the first challenges we're doing is 418 00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:34,639 Speaker 1: tapping into purpose, and purpose is the driving force of 419 00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:37,359 Speaker 1: our life. Why it is we wake up every morning? 420 00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:39,840 Speaker 1: Why are we on this planet right? What are we 421 00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:41,800 Speaker 1: here to do? And I feel like a lot of 422 00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:43,600 Speaker 1: people have an idea of what that is, but they 423 00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:45,840 Speaker 1: haven't really solidified it. And then there are some people 424 00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:48,199 Speaker 1: who just have a genuinely tough time figuring out like 425 00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:51,000 Speaker 1: why am I here? And there's a number of different 426 00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:55,240 Speaker 1: ways people kind of break down, you know, identifying your purpose. 427 00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:59,240 Speaker 1: Have you heard of the ekey Guy method? Guy, I 428 00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:00,760 Speaker 1: haven't heard of them, but we will look it up 429 00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:04,000 Speaker 1: and give it as a research for people. Yeah. Um, 430 00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:07,960 Speaker 1: the Aky Guy method. It's a Japanese term meaning like 431 00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:11,080 Speaker 1: like reason for living, and it breaks down your reason 432 00:22:11,119 --> 00:22:15,119 Speaker 1: for living into four different categories. One is the things 433 00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:17,760 Speaker 1: you love, another is the things that you're good at, 434 00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:20,320 Speaker 1: the things you can make money at, and the things 435 00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:24,520 Speaker 1: that will change the world. And I really align with 436 00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:27,960 Speaker 1: that because I think that it is difficult to identify 437 00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:30,240 Speaker 1: what your purpose is because it's such a big thing, 438 00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:32,280 Speaker 1: Like how do you define purpose? How do you really 439 00:22:32,760 --> 00:22:34,720 Speaker 1: challenge yourself to break it down? And so I break 440 00:22:34,760 --> 00:22:37,240 Speaker 1: it down into those four categories and then begin to 441 00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:40,080 Speaker 1: dive deeply into each one of those categories. How we 442 00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:43,480 Speaker 1: go about identifying what you love? So these are these 443 00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:45,280 Speaker 1: are the ways that we do it. And this is 444 00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:47,960 Speaker 1: actually the module that I've been developing for this past 445 00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:51,800 Speaker 1: few months to really dive into with this this membership 446 00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:55,080 Speaker 1: service that I just created, and that to me is 447 00:22:55,359 --> 00:22:59,359 Speaker 1: purpose and it can be you know, it can extend 448 00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:01,480 Speaker 1: to anything. I think that we also minimize it to 449 00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:03,600 Speaker 1: what you have to do for a living, and that's 450 00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:06,439 Speaker 1: not always the case. Yeah, yeah, I think that that 451 00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:09,440 Speaker 1: is often where people get misguided is thinking that your 452 00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:11,399 Speaker 1: purpose is going to be the thing that makes you money. 453 00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:13,320 Speaker 1: And I think a lot of times when you try 454 00:23:13,359 --> 00:23:15,359 Speaker 1: to turn it into the thing that makes you money, 455 00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:17,760 Speaker 1: you kind of give off track a little. I agree, 456 00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:19,800 Speaker 1: because I think that we can get lost in the 457 00:23:19,840 --> 00:23:22,680 Speaker 1: finances of it, and I tell people to often move 458 00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:25,400 Speaker 1: towards what you want to like, move from love as 459 00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:28,720 Speaker 1: opposed to moving from fear, and when people include money 460 00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:32,199 Speaker 1: into their concept too heavily of purpose because obviously we 461 00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:34,840 Speaker 1: need money to live. When they include it too heavily, 462 00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:38,320 Speaker 1: I find people moving from fear rather than love. Mm hmmm, 463 00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:40,879 Speaker 1: you know, because what I've noticed is people don't necessarily 464 00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:43,560 Speaker 1: love money. They're afraid of what will happen if they 465 00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:47,640 Speaker 1: don't have it. Mmmmmmm yeah. I mean in the world 466 00:23:47,640 --> 00:23:50,120 Speaker 1: that we live in, that's a very real fear. It's 467 00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:52,840 Speaker 1: very real. Yeah, And so you need it. So I'm 468 00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:54,560 Speaker 1: never gonna tell anybody like, you've got to become a 469 00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:56,360 Speaker 1: monk and meditate on a mountain for the next ten 470 00:23:56,440 --> 00:23:59,040 Speaker 1: years unless you want to, I'm not gonna stop you. 471 00:23:59,080 --> 00:24:02,040 Speaker 1: But you know, but I think it's important to really 472 00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:05,080 Speaker 1: figure out how much we weigh these things. And and 473 00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:07,840 Speaker 1: I've also noticed people who tend to want money don't 474 00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:10,600 Speaker 1: necessarily want just the money. They want what the money 475 00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:13,640 Speaker 1: will give them, And so diving down into that, So 476 00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:15,680 Speaker 1: what is it that the money will give you? For 477 00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:18,399 Speaker 1: a lot of people, it's better relationships for some people, 478 00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:21,760 Speaker 1: it's experiences. For other people, it's you know, it's property, 479 00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:25,280 Speaker 1: it's things, it's assets, and having those assets gives them 480 00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:27,600 Speaker 1: a sense of pride, and so it's about whittling down 481 00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:30,879 Speaker 1: to the why. You know, what's at the core of 482 00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:33,359 Speaker 1: your purpose. And it's difficult and it takes time, and 483 00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:36,800 Speaker 1: that's something that I've somehow become helpful at. I don't 484 00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:41,199 Speaker 1: know how that happened, but perhaps following your own purposes, 485 00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:44,080 Speaker 1: which good got you there, right, Yeah, that's it. I 486 00:24:44,119 --> 00:24:48,960 Speaker 1: distilled my purpose and my values down to knowledge, creativity, 487 00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:53,560 Speaker 1: and beauty, and that's helped me a lot in understanding 488 00:24:53,560 --> 00:24:55,199 Speaker 1: like the things that I want to do, you know, 489 00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:57,399 Speaker 1: the opportunities that I want to take on as opposed 490 00:24:57,400 --> 00:25:00,600 Speaker 1: to the things that I don't take on. M hmmm, 491 00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:04,080 Speaker 1: I love it more from my conversation with Dr Ali 492 00:25:04,359 --> 00:25:16,199 Speaker 1: after the break. So Dr Ali, I want to go 493 00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:19,560 Speaker 1: a little deeper with the tin pole of your four ps, right, 494 00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:22,040 Speaker 1: because this is a conversation. We've been having a lot 495 00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:24,640 Speaker 1: in the community. So it feels like people are doing 496 00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:27,200 Speaker 1: a lot in terms of kind of re evaluating their 497 00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:30,479 Speaker 1: relationships with people. And the one thing that has come up, 498 00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:32,000 Speaker 1: so there are two major things that I want to 499 00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:34,280 Speaker 1: hear your thoughts on these. The first thing that has 500 00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:39,280 Speaker 1: come up a lot is people being very maybe disappointed 501 00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:43,480 Speaker 1: or disillusioned with how friends and family members have kind 502 00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:46,399 Speaker 1: of navigated the pandemic. So maybe they thought, you know, 503 00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:48,639 Speaker 1: friends would be calling to check in on them a 504 00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:51,000 Speaker 1: lot more than they are, or that they would be 505 00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:54,720 Speaker 1: having more zoom gatherings or whatever, and for whatever reason, 506 00:25:54,800 --> 00:25:57,359 Speaker 1: that hasn't happened, and so now they are kind of 507 00:25:57,400 --> 00:25:59,600 Speaker 1: re evaluating, like, well, did I mean that much of 508 00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:02,679 Speaker 1: this in the first place? So what are your thoughts 509 00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:07,480 Speaker 1: about that? Uh? Number One, for anyone and everyone who's 510 00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:09,440 Speaker 1: dealing with that, I want to give you a big 511 00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:13,639 Speaker 1: digital hug and like a kiss on the forehead and whatever, 512 00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:16,600 Speaker 1: because it is real. That is real. That is happening 513 00:26:16,600 --> 00:26:21,360 Speaker 1: a lot where you expected somebody to really step up 514 00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:24,760 Speaker 1: and you're struggling and there's just nobody there. It just 515 00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:26,840 Speaker 1: seems like all the people that were there before gone. 516 00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:29,920 Speaker 1: And going back to what I said earlier, I think 517 00:26:29,960 --> 00:26:32,440 Speaker 1: experiencing a level of grief over that is totally natural 518 00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:37,720 Speaker 1: and what I would beg everyone to do is not 519 00:26:37,880 --> 00:26:43,280 Speaker 1: too overcorrect. So what people tend to do in those 520 00:26:43,280 --> 00:26:46,640 Speaker 1: circumstances is they'll be like, you know what f these people, 521 00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:49,080 Speaker 1: I'm out, you know their trash, I can't believe they 522 00:26:49,119 --> 00:26:51,080 Speaker 1: did this to me, like I'm done. And because anger 523 00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:55,640 Speaker 1: is a natural outcropping of sadness, right, feeling rejected, feeling lonely, 524 00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:58,800 Speaker 1: feeling sad is a very vulnerable place to be, and 525 00:26:58,840 --> 00:27:00,639 Speaker 1: so a lot of people do respond on with anger. 526 00:27:01,080 --> 00:27:04,480 Speaker 1: So if you find yourself responding with anger, honor your anger. 527 00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:07,399 Speaker 1: It's it's reasonable when you feel you know wronged, or 528 00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:09,239 Speaker 1: when you feel like a boundary has been crossed, it's 529 00:27:09,359 --> 00:27:13,000 Speaker 1: very natural to express a more vulnerable emotion that then 530 00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:16,160 Speaker 1: becomes a more aggressive emotion, more motivated emotion like anger, 531 00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:20,880 Speaker 1: but then be cautious about terminating those relationships before giving 532 00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:26,280 Speaker 1: them an opportunity. Two respond to you, because we are 533 00:27:26,320 --> 00:27:30,040 Speaker 1: all in this pandemic, every last one of us, and 534 00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:33,560 Speaker 1: some of us are more comfortable expressing our needs than others, 535 00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:37,280 Speaker 1: and some of our friends might be struggling and we 536 00:27:37,359 --> 00:27:40,240 Speaker 1: may have no idea, and so in our struggle were like, 537 00:27:40,359 --> 00:27:41,639 Speaker 1: you know, I need to reach out, I need to 538 00:27:41,680 --> 00:27:44,080 Speaker 1: reach out, and then nobody's there. We don't truly know 539 00:27:44,119 --> 00:27:46,119 Speaker 1: what's happening. And so I would say the word to 540 00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:50,680 Speaker 1: use after you know grief, would be grace, and extend 541 00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:53,520 Speaker 1: grace to your loved ones, because I do this a lot. 542 00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:55,800 Speaker 1: You know, someone won't answer my phone call and I'm like, 543 00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:59,439 Speaker 1: I need them, where are they? You know? And and 544 00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:00,879 Speaker 1: I had to come myself down every once in a 545 00:28:00,880 --> 00:28:03,200 Speaker 1: while and be like, this person has been so good 546 00:28:03,200 --> 00:28:04,560 Speaker 1: to me in the past, you know, and I'll list 547 00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:06,600 Speaker 1: all the wonderful things that they've done. Because if they're 548 00:28:06,640 --> 00:28:09,440 Speaker 1: still in your life and this is a healthy relationship, 549 00:28:09,760 --> 00:28:11,919 Speaker 1: grace is appropriate. And I will say that is a 550 00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:14,480 Speaker 1: big caveat. If this is a person that you have 551 00:28:14,520 --> 00:28:17,880 Speaker 1: a toxic relationship with, and this is a person that 552 00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:22,760 Speaker 1: has exhibited a pattern of being disengaged with your emotions, 553 00:28:23,160 --> 00:28:26,000 Speaker 1: of being uninterested in supporting you in the past, this 554 00:28:26,080 --> 00:28:30,280 Speaker 1: might be a good window to move on from the relationship. Okay, 555 00:28:30,520 --> 00:28:33,640 Speaker 1: But if this is a healthy relationship that has now changed, 556 00:28:34,920 --> 00:28:38,480 Speaker 1: utilize grace because we don't want to come out of 557 00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:42,240 Speaker 1: COVID with nobody because we've alienated everybody because everything was 558 00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:46,240 Speaker 1: so toxic. This is a very different, difficult time. Then 559 00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:51,080 Speaker 1: after grief and grace, I would say, formulate a very 560 00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:53,400 Speaker 1: specific conversation that you want to have with this person, 561 00:28:53,520 --> 00:28:56,560 Speaker 1: telling them how you feel and telling them what you need. 562 00:28:56,840 --> 00:28:59,320 Speaker 1: Early on in COVID. My mom got sick and she 563 00:28:59,360 --> 00:29:01,720 Speaker 1: had to be hospital Wis for eleven days. She did 564 00:29:01,760 --> 00:29:04,240 Speaker 1: not get COVID, but she had a live threatening infection, 565 00:29:04,480 --> 00:29:08,160 Speaker 1: and I was panicked. This was back in in May, 566 00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:10,680 Speaker 1: or in like late April, early May. I tend to 567 00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:12,480 Speaker 1: be the friend that's always there for people, and so 568 00:29:12,520 --> 00:29:14,600 Speaker 1: I don't think my friends really knew how much I 569 00:29:14,680 --> 00:29:16,920 Speaker 1: was struggling, and so I would text, but my text 570 00:29:16,920 --> 00:29:20,160 Speaker 1: messages would be kind of vague, and I wasn't very direct, 571 00:29:20,280 --> 00:29:22,400 Speaker 1: and so my friends really didn't know to support me. 572 00:29:22,680 --> 00:29:24,880 Speaker 1: They didn't really know how serious it was. And so 573 00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:27,120 Speaker 1: I had to have a serious conversation with a few 574 00:29:27,160 --> 00:29:28,800 Speaker 1: of my friends and we cried, and we yelled at 575 00:29:28,840 --> 00:29:31,280 Speaker 1: each other, and we both cried. And they told me 576 00:29:31,280 --> 00:29:32,600 Speaker 1: where I could have been a better friend, and I 577 00:29:32,640 --> 00:29:34,040 Speaker 1: told them where they could have been a better friend. 578 00:29:34,160 --> 00:29:36,640 Speaker 1: And our friendships are rock solid now. Sometimes you have 579 00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:39,720 Speaker 1: to have those very real talks. But I sat down 580 00:29:39,800 --> 00:29:42,120 Speaker 1: and I told myself, what do I want to say? 581 00:29:42,560 --> 00:29:44,520 Speaker 1: You know, how do I want my girlfriend to understand 582 00:29:44,560 --> 00:29:46,640 Speaker 1: me better at the end of this conversation. And so 583 00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:49,600 Speaker 1: I was very clear to not attack them and say 584 00:29:49,640 --> 00:29:52,200 Speaker 1: you weren't there for me. You're a horrible person. No, 585 00:29:52,320 --> 00:29:56,520 Speaker 1: don't make any judgments, don't attack, focus on your experience. 586 00:29:56,560 --> 00:29:58,840 Speaker 1: So you have to dive deep into yourself to understand 587 00:29:58,920 --> 00:30:00,960 Speaker 1: what did I feel? You know, I told my fends 588 00:30:00,960 --> 00:30:03,280 Speaker 1: I felt alone. I felt like I was dealing with 589 00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:05,240 Speaker 1: something that was the heaviest thing I've dealt with in 590 00:30:05,280 --> 00:30:07,720 Speaker 1: my life, and I did it by myself. And I 591 00:30:07,760 --> 00:30:09,200 Speaker 1: felt like you would have been there for me. And 592 00:30:09,200 --> 00:30:12,120 Speaker 1: I just didn't feel like you were, you know, and 593 00:30:12,120 --> 00:30:14,840 Speaker 1: and and then the tears started flowing, and then their 594 00:30:14,920 --> 00:30:18,000 Speaker 1: tears started flowing. There was like apologies all over the place, 595 00:30:18,360 --> 00:30:20,719 Speaker 1: you know, and and and it was beautiful. And so 596 00:30:20,800 --> 00:30:25,440 Speaker 1: I would challenge people to focus enough on their own 597 00:30:25,480 --> 00:30:27,520 Speaker 1: experience so that they can communicate with other people. And 598 00:30:27,560 --> 00:30:29,480 Speaker 1: the way that the other person responds says a lot 599 00:30:29,600 --> 00:30:31,719 Speaker 1: about the friendship. That now is something that you can 600 00:30:31,800 --> 00:30:35,080 Speaker 1: use to measure your friendship. M thank you for laying 601 00:30:35,080 --> 00:30:37,880 Speaker 1: that out. I think that's beautiful. Dr Allie. So the 602 00:30:37,920 --> 00:30:40,200 Speaker 1: other thing, the second issue that has come up quite 603 00:30:40,200 --> 00:30:43,240 Speaker 1: a lot, is that we know that everybody has been 604 00:30:43,320 --> 00:30:46,760 Speaker 1: navigating the pandemic differently, right, and so it feels like 605 00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:51,640 Speaker 1: lots of people are really questioning, do do I really 606 00:30:51,720 --> 00:30:55,680 Speaker 1: know you? Because people are maybe engaging in risky your 607 00:30:55,680 --> 00:30:59,240 Speaker 1: behavior then maybe what you are comfortable with, right, So 608 00:30:59,640 --> 00:31:03,240 Speaker 1: maybe some people are continuing to, you know, work out 609 00:31:03,280 --> 00:31:05,200 Speaker 1: when you've made the decision to like just work out 610 00:31:05,240 --> 00:31:07,680 Speaker 1: at home, or people are choosing to go and dine 611 00:31:07,720 --> 00:31:10,520 Speaker 1: in a restaurant when you've made the decision to stay home, right, 612 00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:15,560 Speaker 1: And so I think there's a lot of confusion and 613 00:31:15,640 --> 00:31:19,320 Speaker 1: some judgment about the different choices that people are making 614 00:31:19,320 --> 00:31:21,479 Speaker 1: that you're in relationship with, and it feels like it's 615 00:31:21,600 --> 00:31:24,640 Speaker 1: leading to some conflict or some decisions about when the 616 00:31:24,680 --> 00:31:27,040 Speaker 1: world opens up. Like I don't know that I even 617 00:31:27,040 --> 00:31:29,120 Speaker 1: want to be in relationship with you anymore because you 618 00:31:29,200 --> 00:31:33,040 Speaker 1: made some decisions that I don't think I would have made. Yeah, 619 00:31:33,200 --> 00:31:36,080 Speaker 1: I was reading an article this morning about how the 620 00:31:36,320 --> 00:31:39,800 Speaker 1: like anger at quote unquote like I guess COVID deniers 621 00:31:39,880 --> 00:31:43,600 Speaker 1: is growing every day, and I think not everyone is 622 00:31:43,600 --> 00:31:45,920 Speaker 1: a COVID denier, or some people to deal with it differently. 623 00:31:46,440 --> 00:31:50,800 Speaker 1: But I think again, you know, extending a level of 624 00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:54,600 Speaker 1: of understanding that we don't know what the heck is happening, right, 625 00:31:55,240 --> 00:31:58,400 Speaker 1: And and the way that we respond to COVID. The 626 00:31:58,400 --> 00:32:00,400 Speaker 1: way I look at it is this. It speaks more 627 00:32:00,920 --> 00:32:06,280 Speaker 1: to our fundamental approach to fear situations, and we all 628 00:32:06,360 --> 00:32:10,600 Speaker 1: approach feared situations differently. Like I can speak for myself, 629 00:32:10,640 --> 00:32:13,240 Speaker 1: I tend to be a little bit more of an avoider. Right. 630 00:32:13,600 --> 00:32:15,640 Speaker 1: If something is dangerous, I'm going to try to avoid 631 00:32:15,640 --> 00:32:19,560 Speaker 1: it absolutely all costs. If I can't avoid it, then 632 00:32:19,560 --> 00:32:21,680 Speaker 1: I'll fight. But if I don't have to fight, I'm 633 00:32:21,680 --> 00:32:24,680 Speaker 1: not going to. I'm absolutely not going to. And so 634 00:32:24,880 --> 00:32:27,680 Speaker 1: that's why my COVID response tends to be one of avoidance. 635 00:32:27,720 --> 00:32:29,480 Speaker 1: If I can stay in the house, I'm going to. 636 00:32:30,160 --> 00:32:32,920 Speaker 1: If I can avoid hanging with people, I'm absolutely going to. 637 00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:35,080 Speaker 1: And luckily I'm privileged enough to have a job that 638 00:32:35,080 --> 00:32:37,600 Speaker 1: allows me to stay at home. That is not everybody's story, 639 00:32:37,640 --> 00:32:41,000 Speaker 1: that is not everybody's reality. But when you have this mismatch, 640 00:32:41,160 --> 00:32:44,320 Speaker 1: I would say, try to keep it in the pandemic. 641 00:32:44,760 --> 00:32:46,160 Speaker 1: So what I say is this, So the way I 642 00:32:46,200 --> 00:32:48,040 Speaker 1: deal with social media, for example, and the way I 643 00:32:48,120 --> 00:32:50,560 Speaker 1: encourage people to do with social media, do not take 644 00:32:50,680 --> 00:32:53,400 Speaker 1: things on social media and bring them into your personal life. 645 00:32:53,440 --> 00:32:56,160 Speaker 1: If someone did not friend you or follow you, or 646 00:32:56,200 --> 00:32:59,000 Speaker 1: if they didn't like something, allow that to stay in 647 00:32:59,000 --> 00:33:01,920 Speaker 1: instagram land. Don't bring that to dinner when you're actually 648 00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:05,080 Speaker 1: seeing this person face to face. Segment pieces of your 649 00:33:05,080 --> 00:33:08,360 Speaker 1: life and people's COVID behavior is going to be a typical. 650 00:33:09,040 --> 00:33:12,880 Speaker 1: We are all dealing with a very feared situation. And 651 00:33:12,920 --> 00:33:14,520 Speaker 1: one of the things people try to do when they're 652 00:33:14,520 --> 00:33:18,080 Speaker 1: worried and when they're scared is exert control. And so 653 00:33:18,120 --> 00:33:19,880 Speaker 1: we want to start controlling other people. We want to 654 00:33:19,880 --> 00:33:24,560 Speaker 1: control other people, do think and say, and ultimately I 655 00:33:24,600 --> 00:33:27,000 Speaker 1: can only control me and you can only control you. 656 00:33:27,320 --> 00:33:29,760 Speaker 1: It would be great if we could say, you know, 657 00:33:29,800 --> 00:33:32,320 Speaker 1: we're just gonna make COVID disappear by doing this one thing, 658 00:33:32,680 --> 00:33:34,680 Speaker 1: and then everyone would magically step in line and do it. 659 00:33:34,760 --> 00:33:37,360 Speaker 1: We can't do that, and so we have to at 660 00:33:37,400 --> 00:33:39,320 Speaker 1: some level understand that people are going to make the 661 00:33:39,360 --> 00:33:41,680 Speaker 1: choices that they're going to make. But here's the caveat. 662 00:33:42,120 --> 00:33:44,280 Speaker 1: You can choose to not be around them. And here's 663 00:33:44,320 --> 00:33:46,440 Speaker 1: what I'm gonna say, even if they live in your house. 664 00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:49,400 Speaker 1: It's so much more difficult when they live in your house. 665 00:33:49,440 --> 00:33:51,800 Speaker 1: Because we have multigenerational homes. There are some people in 666 00:33:51,800 --> 00:33:53,400 Speaker 1: the home that decide to go into what they want 667 00:33:53,400 --> 00:33:55,600 Speaker 1: to do, and you cannot necessarily avoid them because maybe 668 00:33:55,600 --> 00:33:57,600 Speaker 1: you share a room with them, maybe you share a 669 00:33:57,600 --> 00:34:01,240 Speaker 1: bathroom with them, whatever. So for example, you know, me 670 00:34:01,280 --> 00:34:03,480 Speaker 1: and my husband have different perspectives on the way that 671 00:34:03,520 --> 00:34:06,920 Speaker 1: we deal with COVID, not wildly different, but he still 672 00:34:06,960 --> 00:34:09,239 Speaker 1: you know, goes out to do things, and so we 673 00:34:09,320 --> 00:34:11,720 Speaker 1: just wear masks when we're in the same common spaces. 674 00:34:12,560 --> 00:34:14,239 Speaker 1: He has agreed to do that. I have agreed to 675 00:34:14,239 --> 00:34:18,040 Speaker 1: do that. Not everyone's going to do that, So make 676 00:34:18,160 --> 00:34:20,680 Speaker 1: ways to make it as comfortable as possible. We are 677 00:34:20,719 --> 00:34:24,280 Speaker 1: all going to be uncomfortable to a certain extent and 678 00:34:24,520 --> 00:34:26,920 Speaker 1: choose to be around people that are doing the pandemic 679 00:34:26,920 --> 00:34:29,560 Speaker 1: the way you are. I feel like, especially if you're 680 00:34:29,560 --> 00:34:32,560 Speaker 1: living alone and you still want to be social, you know, 681 00:34:32,680 --> 00:34:35,239 Speaker 1: find people that are functioning at the same level that 682 00:34:35,400 --> 00:34:37,799 Speaker 1: you are. If you stay at home unless you're going out, 683 00:34:37,800 --> 00:34:39,520 Speaker 1: and then you only to outdoor things and you only 684 00:34:39,560 --> 00:34:42,200 Speaker 1: do them six met away with the mask, you align 685 00:34:42,280 --> 00:34:46,160 Speaker 1: with your people that are also doing that. Mm hmm. Yeah, 686 00:34:46,160 --> 00:34:48,760 Speaker 1: I do think that that is more difficult, Like you mentioned, 687 00:34:48,760 --> 00:34:50,640 Speaker 1: like if it's in the same house, because that's definitely 688 00:34:50,680 --> 00:34:53,759 Speaker 1: been happening, right, Like some younger people are taking it 689 00:34:53,880 --> 00:34:55,839 Speaker 1: very seriously and then maybe their parents are like, oh, 690 00:34:55,880 --> 00:34:58,000 Speaker 1: it's not a big deal, you know that kind of thing, right, 691 00:34:58,400 --> 00:35:01,600 Speaker 1: And so it is causing some focalzes, especially when it's 692 00:35:01,640 --> 00:35:03,479 Speaker 1: not your home, you know, like if you are still 693 00:35:03,480 --> 00:35:07,080 Speaker 1: living with your parents, it can definitely pull some challenges. Yeah. 694 00:35:07,120 --> 00:35:10,120 Speaker 1: For example, whenever I go to my mom's house, shoes 695 00:35:10,120 --> 00:35:12,879 Speaker 1: are off. You gotta spray yourself down, You gotta wash 696 00:35:12,920 --> 00:35:14,799 Speaker 1: yourself down at the door, you gotta keep a mask on, 697 00:35:14,920 --> 00:35:17,360 Speaker 1: you gotta spray everything you touch. My mom wipes everything 698 00:35:17,360 --> 00:35:19,839 Speaker 1: down with bleach after you finished touching it. And that's 699 00:35:19,840 --> 00:35:21,919 Speaker 1: just what you expect from when you go to mom's house. 700 00:35:22,560 --> 00:35:25,040 Speaker 1: For people who are a little bit more lax on COVID, 701 00:35:25,440 --> 00:35:27,560 Speaker 1: I think it's very important for you to respect those 702 00:35:27,600 --> 00:35:30,640 Speaker 1: that are more conservative. In chemistry, we call it the 703 00:35:30,760 --> 00:35:34,120 Speaker 1: rate limiting step. There's pieces of an equation that are catalytics. 704 00:35:34,320 --> 00:35:36,839 Speaker 1: So there are things that you can add to titration 705 00:35:37,080 --> 00:35:40,120 Speaker 1: or a mixture that will propel everything forward pretty quickly, 706 00:35:40,680 --> 00:35:42,720 Speaker 1: but it can only move as fast as the slowest 707 00:35:42,760 --> 00:35:47,239 Speaker 1: acting component. The rate limiting step, and so what that 708 00:35:47,280 --> 00:35:49,920 Speaker 1: means to me in interactions is the person that's the 709 00:35:49,960 --> 00:35:54,560 Speaker 1: most conservative, the most cautious, will dictate the speed of something, 710 00:35:55,760 --> 00:35:57,600 Speaker 1: and that's frustrating for people who want to, you know, 711 00:35:57,680 --> 00:35:59,960 Speaker 1: move faster and want to go out and travel the 712 00:36:00,040 --> 00:36:02,520 Speaker 1: world right now and do what they can do. But 713 00:36:02,640 --> 00:36:05,920 Speaker 1: respect the person that does want to move slower and 714 00:36:05,920 --> 00:36:07,600 Speaker 1: the person who's moving a little slower. It is a 715 00:36:07,600 --> 00:36:09,759 Speaker 1: little more conservative when it comes to it, you know, 716 00:36:09,880 --> 00:36:11,879 Speaker 1: protect yourself, but at the same time, respect that other 717 00:36:11,920 --> 00:36:14,040 Speaker 1: people don't see things the way that you do. But 718 00:36:14,120 --> 00:36:15,960 Speaker 1: like you said, it does get really difficult when you 719 00:36:15,960 --> 00:36:17,520 Speaker 1: live in the same house and you don't want someone 720 00:36:17,600 --> 00:36:20,280 Speaker 1: to come home with an illness that might get everybody 721 00:36:20,400 --> 00:36:22,400 Speaker 1: or whatever. There's a number of things that you can 722 00:36:22,440 --> 00:36:24,360 Speaker 1: do to protect yourself. There's a lot of stories of 723 00:36:24,440 --> 00:36:26,200 Speaker 1: people who have had one member of the family that 724 00:36:26,280 --> 00:36:28,839 Speaker 1: got COVID and not everybody got it. That is not 725 00:36:28,880 --> 00:36:31,319 Speaker 1: my area of expertise. I read the same articles as 726 00:36:31,320 --> 00:36:34,000 Speaker 1: everybody else, but that's what I've read. M hmm. Yeah, 727 00:36:34,000 --> 00:36:36,920 Speaker 1: it's just important to be as informed and as prepared 728 00:36:36,960 --> 00:36:40,840 Speaker 1: as possible. Like you said, Yeah, so we've talked about 729 00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:43,359 Speaker 1: I'm using like a light box and trying to get 730 00:36:43,440 --> 00:36:46,239 Speaker 1: outside and get sunshine if you can still safely do that. 731 00:36:46,560 --> 00:36:48,520 Speaker 1: Are there other things that you would suggest for people 732 00:36:48,640 --> 00:36:50,560 Speaker 1: that kind of just you know, help them to kind 733 00:36:50,560 --> 00:36:53,960 Speaker 1: of keep their motivation and mental health and as protected 734 00:36:54,000 --> 00:36:56,120 Speaker 1: as possible as we can see inue, you know, in 735 00:36:56,160 --> 00:36:58,560 Speaker 1: these next couple of months. Listen, I am not a 736 00:36:58,600 --> 00:37:01,920 Speaker 1: scheduled person. I'm an air sign and I float through 737 00:37:01,920 --> 00:37:04,759 Speaker 1: the world like a butterfly. But schedules are like the 738 00:37:04,800 --> 00:37:09,279 Speaker 1: saving grace right now if you can create something that 739 00:37:09,400 --> 00:37:12,239 Speaker 1: keeps you tethered to real life. I've heard people talk 740 00:37:12,239 --> 00:37:15,760 Speaker 1: about not necessarily schedules, but kind of creating a flow 741 00:37:15,840 --> 00:37:17,560 Speaker 1: of how your day will go. So it's not that 742 00:37:17,640 --> 00:37:19,840 Speaker 1: like every day at eight am you brush your teeth. 743 00:37:20,239 --> 00:37:22,640 Speaker 1: It's like between you know, when you wake up and 744 00:37:22,719 --> 00:37:24,839 Speaker 1: before you have breakfast, brush your teeth. So just give 745 00:37:24,880 --> 00:37:28,399 Speaker 1: yourself like some flexibility, but create segments of your day 746 00:37:28,440 --> 00:37:31,040 Speaker 1: when when you will be doing something. I have an 747 00:37:31,080 --> 00:37:33,719 Speaker 1: idea of what you want to accomplish at the end 748 00:37:33,760 --> 00:37:36,680 Speaker 1: of the day. So I get together with myself every 749 00:37:36,719 --> 00:37:38,560 Speaker 1: evening and I kind of look over what I'm gonna 750 00:37:38,600 --> 00:37:41,000 Speaker 1: do the next day, and we'll figure out like what 751 00:37:41,160 --> 00:37:43,000 Speaker 1: is my intention for tomorrow, What is it that I 752 00:37:43,080 --> 00:37:44,920 Speaker 1: want to do? What is it that I want to accomplish? 753 00:37:44,920 --> 00:37:47,880 Speaker 1: And some days it's just rest and relaxation. But just 754 00:37:47,960 --> 00:37:50,879 Speaker 1: being able to check something off of a box makes 755 00:37:50,880 --> 00:37:53,800 Speaker 1: you feel sane, you know, it makes you feel sane 756 00:37:54,280 --> 00:37:57,040 Speaker 1: and really work in hygiene stuff. Don't let that go 757 00:37:57,120 --> 00:37:59,000 Speaker 1: by the wayside because a lot of people are like, well, 758 00:37:59,000 --> 00:38:02,440 Speaker 1: I'm not going anywhere, So keep up on the hygiene, 759 00:38:02,560 --> 00:38:05,320 Speaker 1: keep up on a positive thought. So focus on books 760 00:38:05,320 --> 00:38:07,800 Speaker 1: that have really brought you piece. You don't have to 761 00:38:07,800 --> 00:38:10,200 Speaker 1: read something new because for some people, concentration is kind 762 00:38:10,200 --> 00:38:12,400 Speaker 1: of difficult right now, so this might not be the 763 00:38:12,440 --> 00:38:16,080 Speaker 1: time when you need to be ingesting really heavy information. 764 00:38:17,040 --> 00:38:20,480 Speaker 1: I recommend don't over hustle yourself. Everyone's talking about what 765 00:38:20,480 --> 00:38:22,879 Speaker 1: you've got to come out with a business out of COVID. No, no, 766 00:38:23,440 --> 00:38:26,480 Speaker 1: everyone does not. Do not put pressure on yourself. If 767 00:38:26,520 --> 00:38:30,000 Speaker 1: you naturally want to create something, do it. But if 768 00:38:30,000 --> 00:38:32,040 Speaker 1: you're trying to force yourself and you find that it's 769 00:38:32,040 --> 00:38:33,920 Speaker 1: actually making you feel worse, don't do it. This is 770 00:38:33,920 --> 00:38:37,920 Speaker 1: the time to be making yourself feel better. Watch silly cartoons, 771 00:38:38,320 --> 00:38:41,800 Speaker 1: dance around your living room, listen to Beyonce music, listen 772 00:38:41,840 --> 00:38:47,000 Speaker 1: to whatever makes you happy. Try to fully experience good 773 00:38:47,000 --> 00:38:50,400 Speaker 1: moments as much as you can, live in them completely, 774 00:38:50,800 --> 00:38:53,200 Speaker 1: because they might be fleeting and they will not last forever, 775 00:38:53,760 --> 00:38:56,160 Speaker 1: so try to feel them as much as possible. I 776 00:38:56,200 --> 00:38:58,320 Speaker 1: love it. Thank you so much for that, Dr Ellie. 777 00:38:58,560 --> 00:39:00,680 Speaker 1: So when we can, we like to include what we 778 00:39:00,760 --> 00:39:04,160 Speaker 1: call a press pause moment in the podcast. And this 779 00:39:04,239 --> 00:39:07,800 Speaker 1: might be journal prompt that you have for the community, 780 00:39:07,920 --> 00:39:11,200 Speaker 1: or an activity that you found particularly helpful for people 781 00:39:11,239 --> 00:39:14,839 Speaker 1: to maybe manage depressive symptoms, or you know, to try 782 00:39:14,880 --> 00:39:17,080 Speaker 1: to get their energy up. If there was something that 783 00:39:17,160 --> 00:39:20,560 Speaker 1: you could offer the community, what would you share. That's 784 00:39:20,560 --> 00:39:23,080 Speaker 1: a good question. One of the things that I've found 785 00:39:24,040 --> 00:39:26,520 Speaker 1: people are dealing with is a general lack of confidence. 786 00:39:26,640 --> 00:39:30,399 Speaker 1: Right now, people are feeling so down that it's called 787 00:39:30,400 --> 00:39:34,200 Speaker 1: the motion focused memory. When we're in a bad state, 788 00:39:34,400 --> 00:39:37,799 Speaker 1: like a sad state or a hopeless state, we tend 789 00:39:37,880 --> 00:39:41,239 Speaker 1: to remember our past in a hopeless way. We tend 790 00:39:41,280 --> 00:39:43,800 Speaker 1: to feel like I've never done anything good, nothing's ever great. 791 00:39:44,239 --> 00:39:46,040 Speaker 1: So one assignment I've been giving to a lot of 792 00:39:46,040 --> 00:39:49,279 Speaker 1: people is to be as detailed as possible in a 793 00:39:49,360 --> 00:39:53,600 Speaker 1: journal and write all the wonderful things they've accomplished over 794 00:39:53,640 --> 00:39:57,200 Speaker 1: the course of their life. I mean this is like Valedictorian. 795 00:39:57,280 --> 00:39:59,480 Speaker 1: I want you going back to kindergarten and you got 796 00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:02,160 Speaker 1: all like the uh you know, like took a good nacklist, 797 00:40:03,200 --> 00:40:05,920 Speaker 1: like all of it, and really spend a good amount 798 00:40:05,920 --> 00:40:09,719 Speaker 1: of time focusing on all the wonderful successful things that 799 00:40:09,760 --> 00:40:12,920 Speaker 1: you've done. Highlight as much as you can. And I'm 800 00:40:12,920 --> 00:40:15,279 Speaker 1: not talking about like resume nonsense, like don't you don't 801 00:40:15,280 --> 00:40:16,920 Speaker 1: have to even amp it up, just state what it 802 00:40:17,040 --> 00:40:19,960 Speaker 1: is and keep that list with you so when you 803 00:40:20,000 --> 00:40:21,719 Speaker 1: start to feel down, you start to feel like I'm 804 00:40:21,760 --> 00:40:24,640 Speaker 1: not being successful. Oh come on, pause, then you can 805 00:40:24,640 --> 00:40:27,200 Speaker 1: focus on it, like, you know what, I'm really good 806 00:40:27,239 --> 00:40:30,040 Speaker 1: at these things. I'm super talented and I need to 807 00:40:30,040 --> 00:40:33,600 Speaker 1: give myself credit. I love that, Dr Ellie, because I 808 00:40:33,600 --> 00:40:36,520 Speaker 1: think that that can be a really good reality check 809 00:40:36,560 --> 00:40:38,839 Speaker 1: for people, right to let you know, like this year 810 00:40:38,920 --> 00:40:42,480 Speaker 1: may look very different, but look at your track record, right, 811 00:40:42,520 --> 00:40:44,239 Speaker 1: and so it really helps you to kind of keep 812 00:40:44,239 --> 00:40:49,120 Speaker 1: things in perspective. Absolutely. Yeah, So tell us more about 813 00:40:49,160 --> 00:40:51,040 Speaker 1: where we can find you, Dr Allie. So I want 814 00:40:51,080 --> 00:40:52,840 Speaker 1: to hear a little bit more about the Duke Collective 815 00:40:52,880 --> 00:40:55,880 Speaker 1: and then your website as well as any social media 816 00:40:55,920 --> 00:40:59,400 Speaker 1: handles you'd like to share with us. Absolutely so you 817 00:40:59,400 --> 00:41:02,400 Speaker 1: can find me Alison Hicks everywhere. But here's the kicker. 818 00:41:02,640 --> 00:41:07,200 Speaker 1: My name is spelled absolutely wild, so it's a L 819 00:41:07,360 --> 00:41:10,439 Speaker 1: L Y see, I N and then just normal Hicks 820 00:41:10,600 --> 00:41:13,200 Speaker 1: h I c K. So that's Allison Hicks on Instagram, 821 00:41:13,239 --> 00:41:16,800 Speaker 1: that's Allison Hicks on Twitter, that's Allison Hicks dot com 822 00:41:16,840 --> 00:41:19,160 Speaker 1: all of that. So you can find me there a 823 00:41:19,400 --> 00:41:22,239 Speaker 1: L L Y see, I N think like ally and 824 00:41:22,440 --> 00:41:26,640 Speaker 1: like sin but let's see so complicated, so hit me 825 00:41:26,719 --> 00:41:28,040 Speaker 1: up there and you can find, like, you know, all 826 00:41:28,080 --> 00:41:31,239 Speaker 1: my goodies blogs that I posted all this stuff. And 827 00:41:31,239 --> 00:41:34,799 Speaker 1: then the DO Collective is also on my website, Allison 828 00:41:34,880 --> 00:41:38,280 Speaker 1: Hicks dot com. There's a little section called Do Collective 829 00:41:38,320 --> 00:41:40,279 Speaker 1: and that's spelled do o u X so you'll see 830 00:41:40,280 --> 00:41:42,799 Speaker 1: it's all on my website. But it's the French word 831 00:41:42,840 --> 00:41:44,960 Speaker 1: for sweet. I thought that was really nice. I get, 832 00:41:45,560 --> 00:41:47,480 Speaker 1: you know, it's a sweet way of coaching people and 833 00:41:47,480 --> 00:41:50,960 Speaker 1: connecting with people. And so you can find the du 834 00:41:51,000 --> 00:41:53,800 Speaker 1: Collective there. I have links to it on my Instagram 835 00:41:53,880 --> 00:41:56,960 Speaker 1: all over the place, and starting on November eleventh, going 836 00:41:56,960 --> 00:41:59,080 Speaker 1: for eleven days. It will be eleven dollars a month. 837 00:41:59,080 --> 00:42:03,440 Speaker 1: Think eleven days literally ended like Yesterdday. I know they 838 00:42:03,480 --> 00:42:05,040 Speaker 1: just missed it. Maybe I'll have to open it back up. 839 00:42:05,200 --> 00:42:06,839 Speaker 1: I feel like you might have to open this back 840 00:42:06,880 --> 00:42:09,279 Speaker 1: up and give our community a special rate. I will 841 00:42:09,320 --> 00:42:11,600 Speaker 1: absolutely do that. I will absolutely do that. Anybody that 842 00:42:11,800 --> 00:42:13,520 Speaker 1: you know comes and signed up to the Do Collective 843 00:42:13,640 --> 00:42:17,200 Speaker 1: through this podcast, I will absolutely honor eleven dollars a month. 844 00:42:17,200 --> 00:42:19,160 Speaker 1: And that's like forever because I just want to give 845 00:42:19,160 --> 00:42:21,719 Speaker 1: people something to make them better. Because, like we talked about, 846 00:42:21,719 --> 00:42:23,400 Speaker 1: I'm not all about money all the time. It's just 847 00:42:23,480 --> 00:42:28,200 Speaker 1: really about how can I substantively help transform people's lives. 848 00:42:28,480 --> 00:42:31,319 Speaker 1: So that's the goal to Do Collective is to help 849 00:42:31,320 --> 00:42:35,120 Speaker 1: people make transition and transformation by turning inward. And the 850 00:42:35,160 --> 00:42:37,680 Speaker 1: first thing we're doing is we're really diving into purpose 851 00:42:38,520 --> 00:42:40,759 Speaker 1: and we're diving into things that people love. And so 852 00:42:40,800 --> 00:42:43,919 Speaker 1: that's going to be what starts in December. Perfect well, 853 00:42:43,920 --> 00:42:45,799 Speaker 1: we will include the links for all of that, of 854 00:42:45,800 --> 00:42:47,560 Speaker 1: course in the show knows that that people can find 855 00:42:47,560 --> 00:42:50,800 Speaker 1: it very easy. Well, thank you so much for sharing 856 00:42:50,880 --> 00:42:52,759 Speaker 1: all of your wisdom with us today, Dr Alie, I 857 00:42:52,760 --> 00:42:54,920 Speaker 1: really appreciate it. Thank you for having me and you 858 00:42:54,920 --> 00:43:04,120 Speaker 1: know I love you, Doctor Likewise Like Lives. Thank you 859 00:43:04,200 --> 00:43:07,160 Speaker 1: so much for tuning in for this conversation. To learn 860 00:43:07,160 --> 00:43:09,839 Speaker 1: more about Dr Allie's work, visit the show notes at 861 00:43:09,880 --> 00:43:12,600 Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls dot Com slash Session to eighty 862 00:43:12,640 --> 00:43:15,320 Speaker 1: four and don't forget to check two of your girls 863 00:43:15,360 --> 00:43:17,640 Speaker 1: and tell them to check out the episode right now. 864 00:43:18,560 --> 00:43:21,000 Speaker 1: If you're looking for a therapist in your area, check 865 00:43:21,040 --> 00:43:23,799 Speaker 1: out our therapist directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot 866 00:43:23,840 --> 00:43:27,120 Speaker 1: com slash directory. And if you want to continue digging 867 00:43:27,120 --> 00:43:30,000 Speaker 1: into this topic or just be in community with other sisters, 868 00:43:30,400 --> 00:43:32,400 Speaker 1: come on over and join us in the Sister Circle. 869 00:43:32,760 --> 00:43:35,120 Speaker 1: It's our cozy corner of the Internet design just for 870 00:43:35,239 --> 00:43:38,280 Speaker 1: black women. You can join us at community dot Therapy 871 00:43:38,320 --> 00:43:41,960 Speaker 1: for Black Girls dot com. This episode was produced by 872 00:43:41,960 --> 00:43:45,080 Speaker 1: Frida Lucas and Alice Ellis and editing was done by 873 00:43:45,080 --> 00:43:48,080 Speaker 1: Dennis and Bradford. Thank you all so much for joining 874 00:43:48,080 --> 00:43:50,520 Speaker 1: me in this week. I look forward to continue in 875 00:43:50,520 --> 00:43:53,799 Speaker 1: this conversation with you all real soon. Take it care