Speaker 1: Today's show is about y'all, not us, dead ass, because
Speaker 1: there would be no us without you and you and
Speaker 1: you and you too, because we just love y'all, dead ass. Hey,
Speaker 1: I'm Cadine and and we're the Ellises. You may know
Speaker 1: us from posting funny videos with our boys and reading
Speaker 1: each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll
Speaker 1: make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one more
Speaker 1: important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created
Speaker 1: this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most
Speaker 1: taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about
Speaker 1: through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead adds
Speaker 1: is the term that we say every day. So when
Speaker 1: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth,
Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about
Speaker 1: to take Phillows off to a whole new level. Dead
Speaker 1: ass starts right now. M m m. I'm sending him
Speaker 1: up for a page letter Aaliyah. I enclosed it with
Speaker 1: the kids, and if I write him, keep better get
Speaker 1: it on time. Oh yes, say I play myself for you.
Speaker 1: They say that that you don't even know. Just me, me, me, me,
Speaker 1: me me. One of my artists. Man, I'm just sitting
Speaker 1: here think about her. Where would she be now? Amazing?
Speaker 1: Amazing for sure. So yes, listener letter episode, guys. You
Speaker 1: know we have to do especially dedicated episode for y'all.
Speaker 1: I mean it's to the point now where she got
Speaker 1: on the whole up. I got my blanket out, my tea,
Speaker 1: she loved to be. I'm ready to hear what you
Speaker 1: got to say. First of all listener letters, Codine wrote
Speaker 1: me a four page letter in college front and back.
Speaker 1: You get it, so it was technically a scripted No
Speaker 1: one was still for is its four pages. It was
Speaker 1: four pages from back scripted. My eyes hurting reading it,
Speaker 1: proclaiming her love for me. I remember those days when
Speaker 1: she used to love me like that. She put it
Speaker 1: in a car, left it under my pillow. Now I
Speaker 1: just drop it from I'll take that day period period. Yes,
Speaker 1: enough about us, let's it into y'all. Yeah, we pulled
Speaker 1: some listener letters from the slew of letters that we
Speaker 1: get in our email. Thank you Travil for sifting through
Speaker 1: all the mail and pulling out some scenarios that you
Speaker 1: have going on here. We're gonna best to give you
Speaker 1: some advice. Even though we don't consider ourselves to be experts.
Speaker 1: But what we can do was try to relate to
Speaker 1: what you'll go and do because we didn't been through
Speaker 1: a lot like there might be a little situation or
Speaker 1: a story or a little anecdote that we have that
Speaker 1: we can you know, add into a story that you'll
Speaker 1: have here. So um so yeah, we're just gonna do
Speaker 1: our best to see what what we can come up with.
Speaker 1: All right, So the first one today, Hey dvalin CoDeeN.
Speaker 1: I am a twenty seven year old single woman living
Speaker 1: in Maryland. I recently shared with a male friend strictly
Speaker 1: platnic about a guy that I liked. I saw his
Speaker 1: advice to gauge if the guy was into me or not.
Speaker 1: My friend came up with various reasons as to whether
Speaker 1: he was into me or not. But my male friend
Speaker 1: gave one suggestion to help quote unquote inc prease my
Speaker 1: chances in the future, and it was to lose weight. Now.
Speaker 1: I've been on a successful weight lost journey for two
Speaker 1: years now, which I had to school my friend on.
Speaker 1: His comment. Hurt but also confused me that my weight
Speaker 1: may have been the reason as to why this guy
Speaker 1: was not interested. I even had a woman. I even
Speaker 1: had women along my weight lost journey. Tell me the
Speaker 1: guys must be coming after you, now, was my male friend? Correct?
Speaker 1: Are men less attractive to plus size women? I guess
Speaker 1: I should answer this question because I'm a man. Well, listen,
Speaker 1: there's two things here. Number one, there's a politically correct
Speaker 1: answer that people want here all the time, which is
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter what you look like. There's someone for everybody,
Speaker 1: right of course. But then there's also just the truth. Right.
Speaker 1: There are beauty standards set which may be fair or
Speaker 1: not fair. Fear that say that slimmer women get more attention.
Speaker 1: That's just the standard. And to be honest, if you
Speaker 1: want increase your chances of who likes you, you know,
Speaker 1: I guess losing weight. But that doesn't mean that you'll
Speaker 1: never find someone if you're a heavier person. I mean,
Speaker 1: I know some really thin women who are lonely because
Speaker 1: even though they're were thin, they don't got nobody. I
Speaker 1: know some plus sized women who are happily married, which
Speaker 1: means there is no exact science. So that's the politically
Speaker 1: correct answer, and that's the answer that most people will
Speaker 1: tell you. This is what I'm going to tell you,
Speaker 1: right you've got to be happy with yourself, because it
Speaker 1: doesn't matter whether you're a plus size or thin. If
Speaker 1: you're not happy with yourself, whatever issues you have with yourself,
Speaker 1: you're gonna bring to whatever relationship you have, and that
Speaker 1: is going to turn a guy off more than your parents.
Speaker 1: That's just period, point blank. If you're insecure about how
Speaker 1: you look, whether it's too big or too small, that
Speaker 1: insecurity can be a turn off for anybody. That is
Speaker 1: true because I also to know, um some women who
Speaker 1: are a little bit more plus size that have confidence
Speaker 1: through the roof, and with the confidence through the roof,
Speaker 1: then that in turn attracts a certain kind of energy. Right,
Speaker 1: So if you feel good about your weight, long journey
Speaker 1: and where you've gotten so far, I think it's a
Speaker 1: sensitive topic for women first of all. And you know
Speaker 1: the fact that people are saying, man, the guys must
Speaker 1: be coming after you now. It just kind of almost
Speaker 1: like a backhanded comment like damn girl, you probably were
Speaker 1: biggest hell before people didn't like you, but now all
Speaker 1: of a sudden they're they're flooding in. Um I do agree, Yeah,
Speaker 1: it is backhanded. Um, So you definitely have to for
Speaker 1: working yourself first, which seems like you're doing, which is
Speaker 1: a good thing too, but also too I don't think
Speaker 1: you necessarily have to alter who you are and what
Speaker 1: you look like to then accommodate somebody who you think.
Speaker 1: You know, when she was gauging if the person was
Speaker 1: into them, into you or not, I think that's the
Speaker 1: first thing that people see someone's physical appearance. So if
Speaker 1: a person is into you off the bat, then chances
Speaker 1: are they like you for who you are. And then
Speaker 1: part of your fitness journey, you know, on your journey
Speaker 1: to health is probably just the icing on the cake. See,
Speaker 1: but that's that's the truth. Though, like people want to
Speaker 1: say it's vain to think about looks earth you typically
Speaker 1: don't start talking to someone or get to meeting someone
Speaker 1: who you're not physically attracted to first, So that's a
Speaker 1: part of it, right. So if you're walking around and
Speaker 1: this person seems to be attracted to you, however you
Speaker 1: look right now, means they're attracted to you now, you know,
Speaker 1: very rarely do you meet someone who says, you know, what,
Speaker 1: she looks good, but if she loves weight, she will
Speaker 1: look better. And it's not just a woman thing. I know,
Speaker 1: do who are big who people like, Oh, they want
Speaker 1: to everybody wants a guy with a six pack. Nah.
Speaker 1: I got some big homeboys who got some very beautiful
Speaker 1: wives who are all into them, and it doesn't matter
Speaker 1: if they're slim or big. So I think it hugs.
Speaker 1: You've been hugging some big guys. I need to know
Speaker 1: how many years because we've been together nineteen. I'm not talking.
Speaker 1: I'm just talking about us. Get up on the podcast,
Speaker 1: don't get funked up on the podcast on whatnot to that.
Speaker 1: But now it's um, it's really about confidence man. It's
Speaker 1: it's just really about confidence, man. Don't don't let and
Speaker 1: sometimes people try to get you compliments. I'm trying to
Speaker 1: help you, you know, if they feel like you can
Speaker 1: be better at something because they know that you're looking,
Speaker 1: you know, looking to be better. For example, she says
Speaker 1: she was on a weight lost journey. So if your
Speaker 1: friend may think he may think he'd be encouraging you
Speaker 1: by saying, hey, you're doing well, but if you lose
Speaker 1: more weight, he may think he's trying to encourage you.
Speaker 1: He may not be trying to be malicious. So it's true.
Speaker 1: Sometimes like the way people deliver messages, necessarily the way
Speaker 1: they come across. I'm more the way they're intended. But
Speaker 1: I feel like, girl, if you are out there working out,
Speaker 1: getting in better shape for yourself, loving yourself along the way,
Speaker 1: whoever he is, it's gonna come along. Okay, you're twenty
Speaker 1: seven to girl, you got you got all the time.
Speaker 1: Take that from my old head like me. Yeah she Oh,
Speaker 1: I'm twenty five, so I can't relate to old headedness. Okay, sorry,
Speaker 1: though I like my coola, I love my couger. We
Speaker 1: know what kind of head if you like fresh on
Speaker 1: to the next question. All right, I got this one,
Speaker 1: go for it. I got engaged a year ago after
Speaker 1: four years of dating and talking about marriage for gears.
Speaker 1: My man and I are compatible in a lot of ways,
Speaker 1: but since COVID, a lot of things have come into
Speaker 1: play that I didn't see in our years of being together,
Speaker 1: family being the biggest one. I've realized that he has
Speaker 1: a savior complex and feels he needs to solve his
Speaker 1: siblings problems even when it has nothing to do with
Speaker 1: him and isn't life for death. Under normal circumstances, I
Speaker 1: wouldn't have a problem with this, but he is putting
Speaker 1: us on poor so he can help solve everyone's problems.
Speaker 1: I feel abandoned. We also have a lot of other issues,
Speaker 1: like him not having a job and not part How
Speaker 1: do you have a savior complex? You've got a job
Speaker 1: like that already to me and make no sense. But anyway,
Speaker 1: we also have people that We also have a lot
Speaker 1: of other issues, like him not having a job and
Speaker 1: not prioritizing us in the future. We're trying to build together.
Speaker 1: The only urgency I see in him is is his
Speaker 1: want to make money and have and help his family.
Speaker 1: But there has no plan in place to move us
Speaker 1: forward at all. How do you want to make I
Speaker 1: have no job? I'm confused. I've been very patient as
Speaker 1: he's navigating working throughout his relationships, but now everything is
Speaker 1: compounding and I'm wanting to leave. We've tried therapy, but
Speaker 1: he's starting to take us, or take his stress and
Speaker 1: anger out on me. He's an angel to everyone else,
Speaker 1: but it's truly unkind to me. More than anything else,
Speaker 1: I already know who this person is. I'm seeing it's
Speaker 1: the shift in behavior that is turning me completely off
Speaker 1: and wanting to leave. We are both in our mind,
Speaker 1: we are both in our mid thirties, and I wanted
Speaker 1: to get your opinion on if we should stick it
Speaker 1: out because of the time invested or separate. I feel
Speaker 1: like it's one sided. I know I'm not an angel,
Speaker 1: but me shutting down and wanting to leave is reacting
Speaker 1: from what he's doing. Please help girl. You said wanting
Speaker 1: to leave about four times. I think you already left. Agreed, right,
Speaker 1: I think she's already left. And maybe she was just
Speaker 1: kind of talking us through this whole thing to pretty
Speaker 1: much say, girl, you already left. You checked out. Um
Speaker 1: it's funny because I don't know if he lost his
Speaker 1: job just because of COVID, you know, the pandemic. A
Speaker 1: lot of people lost their jobs, so maybe he kind
Speaker 1: of feels like in that too. He's trying to help
Speaker 1: his family, he's trying to get back on his feet,
Speaker 1: and he's trying to do all the things. So it
Speaker 1: seems a bit scatterbrained to me too, with someone's like
Speaker 1: spreading yourself in and you're trying to help so many
Speaker 1: different people, so many different situations at one time, but
Speaker 1: you can't even help the one that is your main relationship. Um,
Speaker 1: so I see, I can see how it's easy to
Speaker 1: for her to feel abandoned. Um, I guess my question
Speaker 1: is too, I guess if they started therapy, because my
Speaker 1: question is like, is he actively working towards changing that
Speaker 1: if it's something that they expressed. But then she said
Speaker 1: he just takes his stress and anger out on her,
Speaker 1: So I don't know if he's truly unkind to you
Speaker 1: like you say, Um, the shifting behavior doesn't see like
Speaker 1: it is going to change. You're completely off wanting to leave.
Speaker 1: I think the writing is on the wall girl, especially
Speaker 1: in your thirties, like I've got time to play games.
Speaker 1: This is this is what I think as a man
Speaker 1: who cates the privilege of being a provider and wanting
Speaker 1: to be the head of household, I know how difficult
Speaker 1: it can be to say, for example, during COVID, you
Speaker 1: lost your job and now you can't provide. So now
Speaker 1: you have you have options. Right one is be the
Speaker 1: savor complex. I know I'm not where I want to
Speaker 1: be in my life, but I'm gonna save everybody else
Speaker 1: so I could at least feel better about where I am.
Speaker 1: So I'm I'm gonna act like the savior and save
Speaker 1: everybody else. Additionally, you tend to take out all your
Speaker 1: insecurities and all your deficiencies as a person as a
Speaker 1: person on the person who's closest to you, because now
Speaker 1: she's saying that he's changed and he's being mean. I see.
Speaker 1: I hope to God that people don't take what happened
Speaker 1: during with COVID and everything as what life is going
Speaker 1: to be like with this person, because that's an anomaly,
Speaker 1: like that's a rarity. We're not going to be living
Speaker 1: in a pandemic forever. We're not going to be going
Speaker 1: through a recession at the same time as a pandemic forever.
Speaker 1: So this is probably the most extreme circumstance that you
Speaker 1: have with someone. So I wouldn't base your entire relationship
Speaker 1: on these last few months or year, because you said
Speaker 1: you've been together for four years, so hopefully there have
Speaker 1: been better times during those four years for you to
Speaker 1: decide whether or not you want to stay. I wouldn't
Speaker 1: just rush to run. I would see if they can rebound,
Speaker 1: you know, after, because COVID is not over, but as
Speaker 1: the world begins to open up, hopefully he can get
Speaker 1: a job and understand that it's not easy to try
Speaker 1: to be head of household and lose a job, especially
Speaker 1: as a man. It's it's difficult because, and I say
Speaker 1: this all the time, when you're in a relationship and
Speaker 1: you're married, at getting married, if you're going through financial issues,
Speaker 1: the first person they look at is the man. No
Speaker 1: one ever says, you're going through financial issues, what is
Speaker 1: your wife doing? If you're going through financial issues, what
Speaker 1: is your husband doing? So for him, he probably feels
Speaker 1: the pressure and it's unfair that he's taking it out
Speaker 1: on you. But then he's also trying to deflect and
Speaker 1: and fulfill himself by trying to help others. So say,
Speaker 1: I wonder too if this is even just a sign
Speaker 1: of someone who who may be feeling they need to
Speaker 1: continue to help family and be that crutch or that
Speaker 1: support for family even after the pandemic or after this
Speaker 1: anomaly that we're in. Right, you do have scenarios where
Speaker 1: you have one spouse that is always trying to still
Speaker 1: help their family because they feel like they are in
Speaker 1: a position to or they feel like, oh it's their family,
Speaker 1: or you know, they just want to help out of
Speaker 1: the genuineness and the goodness of their heart. So could
Speaker 1: this be a little bit of an inkling? Is that
Speaker 1: just that's just his personality and he's going to want
Speaker 1: to try to continue to always help somebody and then
Speaker 1: leave the deficit in the house. It could be And
Speaker 1: if that's the case, then they're going to have issues
Speaker 1: because your first responsibility has to be your nuclear family now,
Speaker 1: which is the woman you asked to be your wife,
Speaker 1: Like just just the bottom line, Your your spouse comes first.
Speaker 1: Like like anyone who says, you know my family, you know,
Speaker 1: my family is my family first, and I'm getting married
Speaker 1: with my family comes first. You're entering into a marriage
Speaker 1: with the wrong mindset, you know, like the person you
Speaker 1: acts to be your life partner has to come first
Speaker 1: because you chose that person and that person chose you.
Speaker 1: And once you make that choice, you can't just say, okay,
Speaker 1: I chose you, but you gotta wait. That's selfish. So hopefully,
Speaker 1: you know, hopefully they can talk about it, you can
Speaker 1: express how you feel, be transparent, and y'all can move forward. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and if you haven't checked out completely already, sis, maybe
Speaker 1: give it one last fighting chance. Like Devot said, and
Speaker 1: that was a good point you made. That this space
Speaker 1: that we've been in for the past here and change.
Speaker 1: Just can you really get a fair assessment of any
Speaker 1: thing or any relationship. People are reassessing their own selves
Speaker 1: as individuals after this, you know what I mean? So um,
Speaker 1: so good luck to you out there and your boo.
Speaker 1: Hopefully all can get it together. All right, let's see
Speaker 1: what else we have here. I'm currently a new listener
Speaker 1: of your podcast, and I honestly can't stop listening to
Speaker 1: you guys. Thank you, we are definitely you're definitely coupled
Speaker 1: goals and just stop individuals, thank you. I need help.
Speaker 1: So I was is slash am in current currently engaged
Speaker 1: to my fans and fans So she was slash m
Speaker 1: currently engaged, So she is, so she ain't I'm not
Speaker 1: sure engaged to my fiance who I was supposed to
Speaker 1: marry Maye. Okay, so the wedding would be coming up
Speaker 1: next month. Um. We dated for seven and a half years,
Speaker 1: engaged for four The reason I say was because she
Speaker 1: kay don't like to be engaged more than four days,
Speaker 1: let alone four years. But go ahead, finish yours. I
Speaker 1: thought this episode was about y'all, No it is. I
Speaker 1: was just trying to relate to what they're going through.
Speaker 1: So ahead, use up to the reason I say, since
Speaker 1: you should have put a trigger warning in this, so
Speaker 1: at least we knew the valve was gonna be triggered.
Speaker 1: I just know how people don't like to be engaged
Speaker 1: for half a decade almost, let alone half a week.
Speaker 1: You want to finish my story or should I finish it? Bay,
Speaker 1: whatever you want to do, I'm here for you. The
Speaker 1: reason I said was am because she put was slash am.
Speaker 1: It's because February was the last time I've heard from
Speaker 1: him or seen him. What what? He ended up blocking
Speaker 1: me and ghosting me without any explanation why. I have
Speaker 1: attempted numerous times to get ahold of him, but nothing,
Speaker 1: even tried emailing him nothing. We were doing pretty good
Speaker 1: but not sure why he blocked me or is keeping
Speaker 1: away from me. We had an entire wedding plan for
Speaker 1: next month and now he's left me unknown what is happening?
Speaker 1: And have family and friends asking about the wedding has
Speaker 1: been so hard that I don't answer. A day before
Speaker 1: he ghosted me, I was spending time with him and
Speaker 1: saw his phone. He has a Facebook I don't so
Speaker 1: I noticed he was talking to this chick on Facebook
Speaker 1: Messenger and he said, hey, beautiful. What would it take
Speaker 1: to get you in my squad? She asked, what does
Speaker 1: it consist of? And he said something so want to
Speaker 1: hang out with? And she called him. They had a
Speaker 1: thirty minute conversation and who knows what was said. They
Speaker 1: exchange numbers. When I asked him who she was, he said,
Speaker 1: it's just oh, no, no, no, I'm just I'm just
Speaker 1: she's giving him. It's just Arianna. That's her name, and
Speaker 1: that's all. I feel like he brushed it off and
Speaker 1: it was nothing, But it's a big deal. You're about
Speaker 1: to get married and you're entertaining other females and disrespect
Speaker 1: to me and don't care. Why is he doing this
Speaker 1: to me? I need help. Since this happened, I've developed
Speaker 1: anxiety and I haven't been happy and it's just taking
Speaker 1: a big toll on me. If it wasn't for God,
Speaker 1: I would not know what to do. This is easy
Speaker 1: for me, young lady. If you have brothers, tell your
Speaker 1: brothers to whoop his ass. But they can't find him. Oh,
Speaker 1: they could find him if they want to find him.
Speaker 1: She wants, she wants, probably wants it to be a
Speaker 1: mutual agreement with like, no, no, listen to me, they
Speaker 1: got this new hold on. They got this new thing
Speaker 1: now right, Apple came out with it. It's like the
Speaker 1: size of a quarter where it has a tracking device
Speaker 1: in it. Right, get one of those, right, find out
Speaker 1: where his car is, put it in his car and
Speaker 1: tracking for a couple of months. Then let your brothers
Speaker 1: whip his ass. I'm telling you this right now. Somebody
Speaker 1: do that to somebody I love. Goes somebody I love
Speaker 1: like that to me because she said, I'm like, what
Speaker 1: does she mean? I was? That's not crazy? And she's
Speaker 1: kind of like delusional because maybe okay, I'm gonna say shock,
Speaker 1: not delusional because she put was in sweetheart. He goes, shoot, y'all,
Speaker 1: alp was gett married next month and you haven't heard
Speaker 1: from y'all. Not engaged no more? Because even if he
Speaker 1: comes back, you should not be engaged months ago. How
Speaker 1: do you even engage in a conversation after that? He
Speaker 1: needs to engage to ask how about that? That is
Speaker 1: absolutely that's whack. First of all, um, coward. Yes, it's
Speaker 1: a coward move and that and at this rate, if
Speaker 1: it's something where he felt like he did not want
Speaker 1: to be married anymore, simply there has to be somebody
Speaker 1: that gets you have a whole family. I'm assuming of
Speaker 1: people on both sides. Somebody somebody had that's a mad
Speaker 1: corny somebody has to know where he is. And it
Speaker 1: just at this point, I wouldn't even want the explanation.
Speaker 1: I'd be like, you know what, yeah, thank you, thank
Speaker 1: you for doing me a favor. But I feel bad.
Speaker 1: She said they dated for seven and a half years,
Speaker 1: engaged for it doesn't make any sense. It almost makes
Speaker 1: me think. I feel like, was he living like a
Speaker 1: double life and and like disappeared into some other life
Speaker 1: that he had, Like, you know, it wouldn't shock me.
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry you're going through this. Yeah, it wouldn't
Speaker 1: shock me because Conine watches these shows at night. Right
Speaker 1: is an unsolved mysteries. I'll be watching all the shows
Speaker 1: onsolve mysteries. There's dateline secrets uncovered, um, all all the
Speaker 1: little mystery shows stuff. And they be living double lives,
Speaker 1: love double lives, so whole families and whatnot over Tessa
Speaker 1: and another set of family over. That's that's how it is.
Speaker 1: So I get to count your blessings that you don't
Speaker 1: have a baby and you're not officially married, so there
Speaker 1: are no tax implications, there are no children involved. Move on, sweetheart,
Speaker 1: that this happened to you. It really doesn't. I'm not
Speaker 1: one forul to see that because now that's going to
Speaker 1: give her trauma for the rest of her life. She's
Speaker 1: going to be happy to deal with that. And always
Speaker 1: happened to question what she may have possibly done wrong.
Speaker 1: You ain't do nothing wrong. So all he got issues, Bro,
Speaker 1: he had cowards. That's messed up. Somebody about tight over here, y'all.
Speaker 1: You'll see his face, his brows starting to furry a
Speaker 1: little bit. You see the brow already got bushy brows.
Speaker 1: You know my brows. Be careful that you're gonna get
Speaker 1: wrinkles coming. Listen. I hope nobody break my kids heart, bro,
Speaker 1: because I'm not the type of dad that could just
Speaker 1: be like, hey, he's doing this all right, I'm about
Speaker 1: you're trying to box somebody up. You know, mom of
Speaker 1: three boys, I know you got it all right. Up next. Hey, guys,
Speaker 1: my name is Matt and I'm twenty seven. I was
Speaker 1: looking for some advice. I love to hear from the guys. Yes,
Speaker 1: I found y'all's podcast a couple of months before me
Speaker 1: and my wife separated. We were together about eight to
Speaker 1: nine years and married for three of them. We separated
Speaker 1: due to finances outside, outside interferences, and having children, in
Speaker 1: some miscommunication about seeing each other for more than a
Speaker 1: husband and wife. We separated towards the end of two
Speaker 1: thousand nineteen, but we kept in contact. She ended up
Speaker 1: dating and moving with a woman I already knew she
Speaker 1: liked men and women, but still kept in contact with
Speaker 1: me on the low. Okay, fast forward to now, her
Speaker 1: and the woman she ended up with end up talking to,
Speaker 1: have had multiple problems and she would vent to me
Speaker 1: about it, and they're breaking up and moving separately. Right now,
Speaker 1: I'm just having to be the best friend I can be,
Speaker 1: but deep down inside I want my wife back and
Speaker 1: best friend back. I'm not sure if I go, if
Speaker 1: I go down, if I go back down that road,
Speaker 1: or do I move on? Ah? I'm a sucker fell
Speaker 1: love of y'all. Let me tell you so. When I
Speaker 1: when I listened to a story like this, sometimes it
Speaker 1: feels like one of those things where you hear about
Speaker 1: people who are like married or together for how many years,
Speaker 1: and then whatever happens, things fall apart and then they
Speaker 1: go their separate ways for a couple of years or whatever,
Speaker 1: and then they end up back together again. I feel
Speaker 1: like I've heard recently about maybe a couple that got
Speaker 1: married again after years of not being together. And what
Speaker 1: makes me think that there may potentially be um some
Speaker 1: hope here for you is the fact that you guys separated,
Speaker 1: he said due to finances. I know that causes a
Speaker 1: strain on a lot of relationships, but depending on where
Speaker 1: they are financially now, maybe it might be something that
Speaker 1: that doesn't seem to be convinced. No, I was just
Speaker 1: saying maybe for something that they could have worked past,
Speaker 1: that is nice, right. He said that she likes men
Speaker 1: and women. Okay, he will never be able to be
Speaker 1: at anything she wants or need in a partner because
Speaker 1: he can't be a man and a woman. It's going
Speaker 1: to be very difficult for her to be monogamous with
Speaker 1: anybody because clearly she wants access to both. Even when
Speaker 1: she she left him, she was talking to the chick,
Speaker 1: but talking to him on the low, which means she
Speaker 1: was probably talking to another woman on the low while
Speaker 1: she was with him, which is fine. She just needs
Speaker 1: to be honest with herself and say I like men
Speaker 1: and women, and I can't be in a monogamous relationship.
Speaker 1: Maybe y'all can have a sister wife situation where you
Speaker 1: know that's the only way can work out is if
Speaker 1: it's her and her girlfriend and him or have an
Speaker 1: agreement and they in a collective trio of a relationship.
Speaker 1: But him just being getting his wife back and expecting
Speaker 1: her to just it's not so yeah, So you feel
Speaker 1: like he's just holding onto that idea of her being
Speaker 1: his wife, but she may not be able to fully
Speaker 1: commit to being that for him right because she just
Speaker 1: doesn't want to be his wife. She also wants to
Speaker 1: be in a relationship with a woman, and it's unfair.
Speaker 1: It's unfair for him to expect her to just be
Speaker 1: what he wants her to be, and it's unfair to her.
Speaker 1: It's unfair for her to not be honest with him
Speaker 1: or a woman and say that I want both if
Speaker 1: you're not gonna be upfront, because having one and keeping
Speaker 1: one on the side, it's always gonna end up in heartbreak.
Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure the reason why her and the other
Speaker 1: women are no longer together it's because the other woman
Speaker 1: probably found out that she was still talking to him.
Speaker 1: I guarantee you that way to see how that could
Speaker 1: be even just with in a relationship, say he was
Speaker 1: it was him and her his wife, and then um,
Speaker 1: like he had an outside friend or something like that.
Speaker 1: Like sometimes the friend on the outside or like the
Speaker 1: old relationship on the outside if you're still in communication
Speaker 1: causes a riff, regardless of if it was a man
Speaker 1: or a woman. I mean, I know what you mean,
Speaker 1: but I think in this case it's very direct because
Speaker 1: she has an affinity for men and women, which means
Speaker 1: she'll never be able to get that from one person.
Speaker 1: So you know what I'm saying. It's like if I
Speaker 1: have an offense since since I have an affinity for women,
Speaker 1: I love women, but you are a woman. There's nothing
Speaker 1: else that I can get from somebody that I can't
Speaker 1: get from you. As long as you and I continue
Speaker 1: to have communications and discuss what that makes sense. But
Speaker 1: if you were intimate, for example, there's nothing I could
Speaker 1: do to be exactly you see what I'm saying, And
Speaker 1: I guess that makes sense, and not for nothing. She
Speaker 1: probably doesn't feel comfortable being honest and say I want
Speaker 1: both and I want both of y'all because traditionally it's
Speaker 1: not acceptable. So she tries to live that life and
Speaker 1: in secretly do this, and then tries to live that
Speaker 1: life and secretly do that because he has to understand
Speaker 1: if she was in a relationship with somebody, but she's
Speaker 1: talking to you on the low, don't that make you
Speaker 1: think she was probably doing that to you? You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. I guess I was looking at it
Speaker 1: from the standpoint of the reasons why they broke up
Speaker 1: that he listed was the finances um outside interference about
Speaker 1: having children. If she was, those are the reasons he
Speaker 1: gave her, those are reasons she gave him, and then
Speaker 1: went out and with the medication about seeing each other
Speaker 1: for more than a husband and wife. So and looking
Speaker 1: at that, I felt like, Okay, maybe after some time away,
Speaker 1: maybe they could have worked past it. But you did
Speaker 1: raise a good point where he may not be able
Speaker 1: to be everything that she needs if she has the
Speaker 1: affinity for men and women. Imagine a world where this
Speaker 1: woman didn't feel scrutiny for how she felt about being
Speaker 1: with people and was able to be honest with a
Speaker 1: man and a woman and say I love both of y'all,
Speaker 1: and let's see if we can work it out. Imagine
Speaker 1: the world what as possible. You know, what happens. They
Speaker 1: have a conversation. Maybe it works, maybe it don't work.
Speaker 1: He has an affinity for a woman, he gets two women.
Speaker 1: Maybe that other woman does have an affinity for men
Speaker 1: and women too. She gets a man and a woman.
Speaker 1: She has an affinity for men and women. She gets both.
Speaker 1: If they're able to speak it and enjoy it, they
Speaker 1: could work it out, if they can make it work.
Speaker 1: If not, he might be like, no, I just want
Speaker 1: he said he wants his wife and his best friend back,
Speaker 1: so he may not even want another woman. He exactly,
Speaker 1: and I just want you back. And that may not
Speaker 1: work for her and may not work for her. But
Speaker 1: if they had a conversation, but the fact that he
Speaker 1: said on the low means that she's not living her truth. Yeah, man,
Speaker 1: I think you need if you can encourage conversation from her,
Speaker 1: honest conversation, maybe just say hey, you know, hey, whatever
Speaker 1: her name is, um, just hey, you know I understand
Speaker 1: that this is how you feel. You haven't attracted to
Speaker 1: men and women. I may not be able to be
Speaker 1: everything that you need. Do you feel this way? And
Speaker 1: maybe encourage the conversation of the dialogue and hope that
Speaker 1: she can be honest and let him know. So good
Speaker 1: luck to you, Matt. Hope that works out for Yeah,
Speaker 1: you get your boo back. So look, we're gonna take
Speaker 1: a quick break. We got more, We got way more.
Speaker 1: Let us on our way back, but we gotta pay
Speaker 1: some bills. Um, I thought I thought it was it
Speaker 1: was al writer, gotta blanket. Listen to your stuff is cold.
Speaker 1: The air. No, the air was on in here because
Speaker 1: it was hot with the lights and whatnot. But it's
Speaker 1: like to be close you lucky I turned the fireplace
Speaker 1: and I didn't because you're closest to it, so you
Speaker 1: would sweat. But it just makes me feel oh sis,
Speaker 1: tell me, tell me what happened. Bring it back, Bring
Speaker 1: it back. You said you got the air on. You're
Speaker 1: gonna put the air on a blanket and put the
Speaker 1: fireplace on, so you're gonna burn the gas and the
Speaker 1: A C at the same time. That's why I'm not
Speaker 1: doing that against it. I'm wondering how many times when
Speaker 1: I wasn't home, she had on the A C in
Speaker 1: the fine place. That's all I'm wondering right now, because
Speaker 1: I know she's done it before. The only reason why
Speaker 1: he didn't do it is because I'm sitting right here.
Speaker 1: Semantic semantic. We'll talk about that in another episode when
Speaker 1: he talk about how frugal you are. We'll be back
Speaker 1: after I pay these bills. I'll pay them too, you do.
Speaker 1: All right, We're back with more listen to letters. I
Speaker 1: I some of these listener letters really be throwing me
Speaker 1: for a loop. We were talking during the break and
Speaker 1: Shorty was just like he ghosted me and um, asking
Speaker 1: us if we and explain why he goes to her,
Speaker 1: And then it was like what happens when he comes
Speaker 1: back stumped assist. I don't even know what I would do.
Speaker 1: I didn't know what I do know what I would do,
Speaker 1: but we don't promote violence on this. You'll yeah, Hey,
Speaker 1: Conde and de Vale. I love the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 1: I'm thirty seven years old with no children. I have
Speaker 1: a great job and bought a home back in two
Speaker 1: thousands seventeen. I've been with my man for almost thirteen
Speaker 1: years and we're really happy. Problem is, I'm still waiting
Speaker 1: for him to pop the question. After all this time.
Speaker 1: He's ten years older than me and he's never been married.
Speaker 1: He tells me that it will happen one day, refers
Speaker 1: to me as his wife in a joking manner. It's
Speaker 1: really cute, But I'm not moved by all of that.
Speaker 1: I need the official proposal. I love him dearly and
Speaker 1: we have so many years invested, and I don't want
Speaker 1: to leave my relationship. Neither one of us does. Do
Speaker 1: you guys think I'm a fool for sticking around and
Speaker 1: wanting and waiting? Or is it time to move on?
Speaker 1: I'm not the type of woman that thinks my good
Speaker 1: years are behind me, and I'm honestly happy with him
Speaker 1: in our relationship. It what could be holding him up?
Speaker 1: And how can I find comfort in waiting? Ahead? Girl?
Speaker 1: We know how you don't like to wait, so go
Speaker 1: ahead and give you give You made me seem like
Speaker 1: impatient person in a life? Okay yo? I proposed the case,
Speaker 1: she said, has stopped watching all the She's like, oh,
Speaker 1: you have three hundred and sixty five days starting now?
Speaker 1: Can I help that? I was excited to be your
Speaker 1: wife and I could not wait to be your wife?
Speaker 1: Were you excited to be my wife? Were we excited
Speaker 1: to get married a little bit of both? I appreciate,
Speaker 1: and I was excited for a wedding to appreciate the honesty.
Speaker 1: That's what we do. We've been honest. I'm gonna be honest.
Speaker 1: So I'm wondering if this is a case of why
Speaker 1: by the cow if you can have the milk for free?
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. They've been together almost thirteen years.
Speaker 1: That means they've been together since she's twenty four, and
Speaker 1: he's ten years older than her and never been married.
Speaker 1: So in his mind he probably feels like we're doing
Speaker 1: everything that married people do. I'm getting everything that a
Speaker 1: married person gets or a husband gets. Pull disclosure. Men
Speaker 1: be afraid that women are gonna change when you get married,
Speaker 1: because that's what we're here. So that's what that's about.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I'm years she's been trying to hold
Speaker 1: it down to prove that she is worth marrying. Can
Speaker 1: we be honest? I hope you can be. Some women
Speaker 1: be going above and beyond to prove that they are
Speaker 1: marriage material. Then you get married and they're not the
Speaker 1: same person. And I mean it's vice versa too, because
Speaker 1: some men do that. They give you everything to try
Speaker 1: to get you to be the woman and then once
Speaker 1: they get you as a woman, what they do. They
Speaker 1: get comfortable and they settle right. In the male community,
Speaker 1: you hear a lot of men say, don't get married
Speaker 1: because everything changes when you get married. That is the truth.
Speaker 1: But is that accurate for somebody who's been together for
Speaker 1: almost thirteen years? Is she putting up this facade for
Speaker 1: thirteen years that she's trying to be a wife. Obviously
Speaker 1: I don't know, because I was ready to get married,
Speaker 1: So I don't know what their issue is. She's asking
Speaker 1: a question, why do some men like being in a
Speaker 1: relationship but don't want to get married. A lot of
Speaker 1: men talk about fearing marriage like that's permanent, Like that
Speaker 1: is that is the be all and end all for
Speaker 1: a lot of people. When you get married, it's very
Speaker 1: definite and permanent. In then it's like, okay, now do
Speaker 1: we married? Now? What? Well? I mean that's accurate because
Speaker 1: the jargon that I've heard, you know, you overhearing men
Speaker 1: speak is like, oh that marriage, good luck, Oh don't
Speaker 1: do it, you know, And there's a lot of that
Speaker 1: negativity surrounding marriage when it comes to men and and you, guys,
Speaker 1: talks that you have with each other are amongst yourselves.
Speaker 1: So now y'all too, y'all talk about how sometimes marriage
Speaker 1: can be daunting for a woman. Y'all love the weason
Speaker 1: once we're married. I love the proposal, y'all love the
Speaker 1: ring you'll love. I love the wedding. But then when
Speaker 1: it comes to the marriage and trying to keep up
Speaker 1: with the men and everything, because I feel like I've
Speaker 1: heard so more I've heard as a married woman, I've
Speaker 1: heard more complaints from other married women about being married.
Speaker 1: So then you know what I mean, don't want to
Speaker 1: get married? Well also, I mean I don't know about
Speaker 1: that be willed to win. But I'm also thinking about
Speaker 1: women who then aspire to be married. I don't think
Speaker 1: there's enough conversations happening with the married women to kind
Speaker 1: of get the lowdown almost about what it's like. However,
Speaker 1: there's also to the opportunity for you to then see
Speaker 1: for yourself, because you don't necessarily want to be tainted
Speaker 1: or jaded by other people's experiences. If I listened to
Speaker 1: the women that I've overheard that were married before me
Speaker 1: complain about their situations and their marriages, at that point,
Speaker 1: I probably too would have been like, damn is this
Speaker 1: something I want to do, or I would have been like, man, well,
Speaker 1: I can see why they like that, because since you bitch,
Speaker 1: or since your husband and ship or something like that
Speaker 1: at you know, so it could be two sided when
Speaker 1: we're talking about that the jargone around marriage. But but
Speaker 1: let's let's take it back to when we were dating. Right,
Speaker 1: the excitement, the most excitement for you as a woman
Speaker 1: was getting engaged and getting having a wedding. Right, So
Speaker 1: the excited woman's life that I think many women look
Speaker 1: forward to. What I'm saying is is like the marriage
Speaker 1: wasn't even like I can't wait to be a wife.
Speaker 1: It was I can't wait to get proposed to and
Speaker 1: I can't wait to have a wedding. Right. Well, yeah,
Speaker 1: I also wanted the wife title, but not necessarily aware
Speaker 1: of all of the weight that came with that type. Right,
Speaker 1: So think about it as women. Women want the title,
Speaker 1: I want the ring, I want the wedding. Right as
Speaker 1: a man, I gotta provide you with the ring and
Speaker 1: the wedding. What do I necessarily, as a man, gain
Speaker 1: from wanting so much to be married? If you hear
Speaker 1: you would want a full wife? No, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: what I'm saying is if you said you hear from
Speaker 1: otherwise other women complaining about marriage, and men hear from
Speaker 1: other aready men about complaining about marriage. As a woman,
Speaker 1: when it's time to get married, you get a ring,
Speaker 1: you get the wedding that you want. As a man,
Speaker 1: what do you get you get married? We don't gain
Speaker 1: anything from it. So I feel like when I'm talking
Speaker 1: about like physically, like far as the ring is concerned,
Speaker 1: So it's like, we don't get excited about the actual
Speaker 1: wedding day because it's a party if we want to
Speaker 1: get married. If a man wants to get married because
Speaker 1: he's exciting about being a husband and getting and having
Speaker 1: a wife and providing I guess provide you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, or working to provide a lifestyle with his wife. Right,
Speaker 1: So if he probably feels like, if I'm doing all
Speaker 1: of this now as a boyfriend, what's the big deal
Speaker 1: about getting married? That's my point because it's like, what's
Speaker 1: the big deal about the wedding? If we're both happy
Speaker 1: and we're doing this together, right, what was the big
Speaker 1: rush to have a party and to and to invite
Speaker 1: other people and spend money? So maybe they don't have
Speaker 1: to have a big wedding, which is in retrospect what
Speaker 1: I would have done. Don't do what I did before,
Speaker 1: say that because he didn't meant she didn't even mention
Speaker 1: it here a wedding. She just said that she wants
Speaker 1: a proposal and she wants to be married. So if
Speaker 1: it wasn't even a wedding situation, they couldn't even do
Speaker 1: something privately, something small. So even if it's just a
Speaker 1: sign of a sign of good faith, like yes, I
Speaker 1: appreciate you as my girlfriend for all these years. I'm committed, fully,
Speaker 1: I agree with you. I'm serious about where I am.
Speaker 1: You know what I mean. But then will she apply
Speaker 1: the pressure like we had in a former episode and
Speaker 1: that's my pressure now, or she's setting out her expectations
Speaker 1: to him. So but this, but this is my that's
Speaker 1: my point of the psychology between a man and a
Speaker 1: woman during the dating process. Right, if a man is
Speaker 1: doing all of these things for you, already improving all
Speaker 1: of these things for you, he has his timeline. Right,
Speaker 1: You're in a rush to do what get a title,
Speaker 1: get a ring, and have a party. You're excited, you're happy,
Speaker 1: you get everything that you want on the life. But
Speaker 1: until you get the ring, get the party, and the title,
Speaker 1: you're not content. For a man, he's the one responsible
Speaker 1: to give you the ring and the party and make
Speaker 1: you content. But what does he physically gain more now
Speaker 1: than he had before by getting married. Nothing. That's why
Speaker 1: men are always typically like marriage is so finite, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, And I was getting into the psychology.
Speaker 1: For me, marriage was more than that. For me, marriage
Speaker 1: what is is a part, if of course, as a contract,
Speaker 1: a financial contract that binds you and I. Right, It's
Speaker 1: also a title where I feel like we are committed
Speaker 1: to serving one another. These are my ideas of marriage.
Speaker 1: This is not what people typically think about a marriage.
Speaker 1: When I thought about marriage, I was thinking about legacy.
Speaker 1: I'm going to pass down what we've created for our
Speaker 1: kids to our kids, both of us, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. That's something that we want out of marriage
Speaker 1: more than me. Like me, over the years, I had
Speaker 1: to kind of redefine what marriage meant to me because
Speaker 1: again I was going into it very I want to say, blindly,
Speaker 1: not what actually you needed as a wife too, because
Speaker 1: there's also no structure for what the click cookie cutter
Speaker 1: wife looks like you know, I agree, so, but that's
Speaker 1: what you got to think about, like, and I think
Speaker 1: people need to start thinking about that. When it comes
Speaker 1: to my partner's not rushing into marriage and I want
Speaker 1: to get married, what what do you want out of marriage?
Speaker 1: What does he want out of marriage or vice versa,
Speaker 1: and what are we gaining by going into that next step?
Speaker 1: So that might be a good conversation starter for you. Sis.
Speaker 1: How about like you said, maybe sitting down over dinner
Speaker 1: one night or over a date night, what would be
Speaker 1: the pros and cons to officially being married? I agree
Speaker 1: with that, you know, and just kind of see if
Speaker 1: you even align on the benefits see that. See you're
Speaker 1: right there, the benefits of marriage. That's what people don't
Speaker 1: align on the benefits of a marriage and not the cons.
Speaker 1: You know. But I think that might be a good
Speaker 1: place to start because then you can really get an
Speaker 1: idea of what where the value lies for him or not,
Speaker 1: you know, and you won't feel it left in the dark.
Speaker 1: Because if she says she's happy in her RelA and ship,
Speaker 1: she doesn't want to leave the relationship. She loves him dearly,
Speaker 1: So is that enough? Not having the ring is that
Speaker 1: enough for you to feel like, man, I just want
Speaker 1: to walk away. It's like you're going to leave that
Speaker 1: to them. Do what that's and that's and that's my
Speaker 1: point is like you found a man that you're in
Speaker 1: love with and you guys are building something together, but
Speaker 1: since he don't give you a ring and throw a
Speaker 1: party and a title, you're really to walk away? What
Speaker 1: does that really say about what you were looking for
Speaker 1: in a partnership, you know what I'm saying. Like my
Speaker 1: my grandmother, my nanny, she was married before my grandfather um,
Speaker 1: they got a divorce, she started dating my Papa John
Speaker 1: together for years get married. And it wasn't because my
Speaker 1: Papa John didn't want to get married. My grandmother was
Speaker 1: just like yo, chill out because to her at this point,
Speaker 1: marriage had a different value other than the wedding and
Speaker 1: the ring. You know, and just for a second time around,
Speaker 1: I'm considering it for a second time around. I could
Speaker 1: see how she would feel like that. Yet because now
Speaker 1: she has more insight and more wisdom to know that
Speaker 1: marriage is not just about that day. It's not just
Speaker 1: about the ring or the title. It's about two people
Speaker 1: sharing in one ideal about how they're going to push
Speaker 1: their legacy forward. And if you're not together on that ideal,
Speaker 1: rushing to get married and not even rushing, just trying
Speaker 1: to get married because you've been together for a long time.
Speaker 1: That's another thing. We've been together twelve years. We need
Speaker 1: to get married. If y'all can't even collaborate on ideals
Speaker 1: on what a marriage is, then you shouldn't get married
Speaker 1: because once you get married, then it's like, well now
Speaker 1: what now? Now it's now what? Now? What? Now? We're married?
Speaker 1: You know, So that's what they should. They should have
Speaker 1: a conversation about legacy and what marriage means to them,
Speaker 1: and then they'll be able to decide something. But they
Speaker 1: each have to gain from that. So good luck to you, says,
Speaker 1: Hopefully that works out for you and your boot and
Speaker 1: the next is it the last? All right? They provide
Speaker 1: context for us now because a couple of times and
Speaker 1: we've and we've actually for context. So shout out to
Speaker 1: thank you for giving very well thought out listener letters
Speaker 1: here so we can get the total picture somewhat. Okay,
Speaker 1: hey y'all, First off, let me start by saying I
Speaker 1: love the work you do seeing black people portraying a
Speaker 1: positive light. Thank you so much. Keep up the awesome
Speaker 1: and inspirational work you no want to the subject at hand.
Speaker 1: We appreciate that I am a thirty two year old
Speaker 1: woman and have been in a happy relationship for almost
Speaker 1: two years now. I must say that it is the
Speaker 1: most satisfying, selfless, healthy relationship I have ever been in.
Speaker 1: I like to think that this is old to the
Speaker 1: fact that we are. We were best friends prior to
Speaker 1: becoming a couple. That's dope. My boyfriend is quiet and
Speaker 1: extremely kind hearted, which attracts females. He's the good guy
Speaker 1: that women want as their friend but don't want to date.
Speaker 1: I was one of them. That being said, he has
Speaker 1: other female friends. This does not bother me at all,
Speaker 1: being that I also have male friends. You shouldn't also
Speaker 1: know that he is not very attractive, not very active
Speaker 1: excuse me on social media. Ugly just he is not
Speaker 1: very active on social media platforms, although he has them.
Speaker 1: There is a picture of one of his female friends
Speaker 1: on Instagram from two thousand seventeen, that is four years ago, okay,
Speaker 1: giving her a graduation shout out. Today I asked him
Speaker 1: to remove it from his page, and I feel like
Speaker 1: he was slightly annoyed by the request. I would be too.
Speaker 1: I am in no way threatened by this friendship. He
Speaker 1: still maintains with the woman. However, before we became a couple,
Speaker 1: he was completely honest and disclosed that he had sex
Speaker 1: with her once. The reason I asked him to remove
Speaker 1: the picture is because one, I do not feel it
Speaker 1: is appropriate for him to have a picture of a
Speaker 1: woman he has sex with on public display while he
Speaker 1: is in a relationship. And too, there are no pictures
Speaker 1: of men on his no pictures of me on his
Speaker 1: social media, so there shouldn't be pictures of any other
Speaker 1: women aside from family. Like I said, he is not
Speaker 1: active on social media, so it doesn't bother me that
Speaker 1: he doesn't post me. But seeing the picture, although it
Speaker 1: is four years old, triggered feelings of insecurity from a
Speaker 1: previous relationship where my ex pole. So that's what this
Speaker 1: really is about. There when my ex posted every woman
Speaker 1: except me and it turned out he was cheating. So
Speaker 1: I have my reasons. Yet you have your reasons, but
Speaker 1: that reason doesn't justify you asking that of him. But
Speaker 1: I am a mental health therapist, so you know all this,
Speaker 1: and your mental therapist make that makes sense, So I
Speaker 1: realized that may be projecting past trauma onto him. Oh
Speaker 1: so you say exactly what it is but still requesting it. Okay,
Speaker 1: But I also realized whether I whatever I feel is
Speaker 1: valid to you? Valid to you? My question? However, you've
Speaker 1: answered all of your questions though, like whatever is? Do
Speaker 1: you guys think it is extreme of me to ask
Speaker 1: him to take the photo down? Yes? And what are
Speaker 1: your thoughts when having photos of opposite sex and your
Speaker 1: social media, especially if your significant other isn't posted side note?
Speaker 1: He is Hella petty, I'm pretty sure he is, and
Speaker 1: proceeded to post a picture of me stuffing a sandwich
Speaker 1: in my mouth after moving her picture. Yo, because I
Speaker 1: some ship you would do. That's not woman. That's definitely
Speaker 1: something I would have did, because that was retarded and
Speaker 1: I can't even say that. I didn't say more. That
Speaker 1: was that was? That was? This be a different world,
Speaker 1: y'all live in bro. How do you go back four
Speaker 1: years in his instagram? No one, he don't post find
Speaker 1: issue with a woman he admitted to having sex with,
Speaker 1: prying to prior to being with you and say, I
Speaker 1: know I'm projecting from my past relationships, but my feelings
Speaker 1: are valid. Girls, Make it makes sense, Cadine for me, please,
Speaker 1: I can't even be with you on this one. Sis
Speaker 1: and I mean and typically we don't try to like
Speaker 1: gang up and take a side, but this is completely
Speaker 1: ridiculous at this point. The biggest thing for me was
Speaker 1: that you scroll back to two thousand and seventeen, No One,
Speaker 1: he don't pose and know that he don't. It's not
Speaker 1: even like he's a chronic poster. You scroll all the
Speaker 1: way back know that he doesn't pose. He was honest
Speaker 1: and upfront about the fact that he had sex with
Speaker 1: her one time. He's honest about the fact that they're
Speaker 1: still friends. I feel like you're just blunting for punishment,
Speaker 1: like you're just looking for a reason to pick a fight.
Speaker 1: The best thing about this is that she says she's
Speaker 1: a mental health professional, all right, Like you already know
Speaker 1: you answered a lot of your questions here. She did
Speaker 1: answer all her own questions, right, And if you feel
Speaker 1: like you're feeling is valid because you had this past trauma,
Speaker 1: then you cannot project that on him. Though you know
Speaker 1: what she's doing, right. She knows she wrong, but she's
Speaker 1: gonna keep asking for advice until someone validates her feelings.
Speaker 1: I'm not doing that here the wrong place. I am
Speaker 1: not doing that here. You was bugging, and you might be.
Speaker 1: You might miss out on a good thing if you
Speaker 1: continue to bug out this way, because the one thing
Speaker 1: you can't do to people is make demands. You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. You don't doesn't take kindly to demands.
Speaker 1: Because times when I felt like I was gonna put
Speaker 1: my foot down and say it's gonna be this, or
Speaker 1: that Devo is not doing this, or that Dival is
Speaker 1: doing whatever that's he wants to do. So that being said,
Speaker 1: I'm just like, bro, I'll tell you how I feel,
Speaker 1: we try to acknowledge it, and then we move forward.
Speaker 1: But him him, him being petty after I had to
Speaker 1: laugh at it. I had to keep petty. But he
Speaker 1: even not as petty as me. I probably would have
Speaker 1: posted another picture to go that would have been like
Speaker 1: devout a call to up and be like, hey, so
Speaker 1: it's just like swimming real quick, look at this selfie.
Speaker 1: And he would have posted a selfie with homegirl because
Speaker 1: because they've done the whole real together, Like I feel
Speaker 1: like you can't have retroactive jealousy. So it's like we were,
Speaker 1: we were friends prior to us dating. You knew that
Speaker 1: we had something before, but now you're jealous of a
Speaker 1: friendship and a relationship we had one time before. That's
Speaker 1: kind of crazy. And then you know that you're bringing
Speaker 1: this past trauma from another relationship into this relationship, so
Speaker 1: you've created a whole scenario. Also, why do people put
Speaker 1: social media standards on real life relationships? Like for me,
Speaker 1: this is the only time I would be mad if
Speaker 1: someone posts something on social media. If me, you, Josh,
Speaker 1: and Nora are all friends and we all friends on
Speaker 1: social media, right if you post pictures of all your friends,
Speaker 1: but you don't post pictures of me, and you post
Speaker 1: all the time, At that point, excuse me, I would say,
Speaker 1: why is it that you post all of us and
Speaker 1: we're all friends and you don't post me. You understand
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. But if we're in a real relationship,
Speaker 1: not a friendship like I'm talking about it, if we
Speaker 1: were just friends on social media, a romantic relationship and
Speaker 1: we have a foundation rooted in truth friendship, she said,
Speaker 1: he is his best from her best friend, and you
Speaker 1: don't post on social media, why are you using social
Speaker 1: media as the standard to which you want to hold
Speaker 1: your relationship values to. That to me, doesn't make any sense.
Speaker 1: We are friends in real life, we are lovers in
Speaker 1: real life. Been the most sad, find selfish and healthy
Speaker 1: relationship I've been in. I'm lost. So why are we
Speaker 1: making it sick? Well, you know what we just found out.
Speaker 1: You know who makes it unsick? What makes it sick?
Speaker 1: You know who makes it sick her? Because this soon,
Speaker 1: this ain't gonna be satisfying and healthy. If she keeps
Speaker 1: doing stuff like this, he's going to get frustrated and
Speaker 1: he's going to be over it. Because then she said,
Speaker 1: he's petty for doing that. But since you petty for
Speaker 1: even bringing that up, and we all got to stop
Speaker 1: doing that. We gotta, like, we gotta stop making it
Speaker 1: seem like social media is to be all that ends all.
Speaker 1: Like even if you post a picture every single day,
Speaker 1: that picture takes a snapshot, that's a fraction of a day.
Speaker 1: You have so many other days, so many other minutes
Speaker 1: and hours in the day, But you want to focus
Speaker 1: on a fraction of a second that someone posts. It's
Speaker 1: kind of insane. It's insane. I guess it's really insane.
Speaker 1: I don't know and the thing is girls just laughed
Speaker 1: this one off at this point. Yeah, you should see
Speaker 1: my damn will talk about how many women send me
Speaker 1: questions about their man like this, or men send me
Speaker 1: questions my woman follows this person, And I'm like, gods,
Speaker 1: social media was made to follow like in comment. If
Speaker 1: you on social media, people are gonna follow like in comment.
Speaker 1: And then they try to break down to me why
Speaker 1: what their significant other is doing is wrong. And a
Speaker 1: lot of times I'll be like, well do you do that? Yeah,
Speaker 1: but it's different because now lost lost you lost me
Speaker 1: because this is a this is a thing. This is
Speaker 1: a current thing. Men don't like when their women follow
Speaker 1: other men on social media. I've noticed that like that
Speaker 1: has been a recurrent thing from like men asking me
Speaker 1: and women don't like when they're men likes other people's stuff. Sure,
Speaker 1: And this is the point that where I could scroll
Speaker 1: through Instagram and we may follow some of like similar
Speaker 1: people and there'll be females beautiful female else and I'd
Speaker 1: be like, oh, devout like the picture. But it never
Speaker 1: crossed my mind, like oh why the devout like such
Speaker 1: and such a picture. Usually I'd be like, yep, I
Speaker 1: like it too, well, first, this is the first thing.
Speaker 1: First of all, I won't like booty picks, and the
Speaker 1: reason why I want like bootypicks don't even be because
Speaker 1: of you. I don't want anyone else seeing my name
Speaker 1: on the booty pick and think that that's what I'm waring.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying that I won't. I won't
Speaker 1: do that. So I won't like a booty pick. But
Speaker 1: if I see if it's a girl that we know,
Speaker 1: for example, we know through social media that we've worked
Speaker 1: with and she's attractive and she posted a nice picture,
Speaker 1: I like it because my homegirl, my cast mates. I
Speaker 1: have beautiful cast mates. They post a picture, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: like it, you know what I'm saying. But um, I
Speaker 1: also have respect for my marriage. Not so much my
Speaker 1: fear that my wife is gonna be upset at my life.
Speaker 1: I respect for my marriage. If someone sees I am
Speaker 1: devou like a picture of a chick naked doing a split,
Speaker 1: that could be seen as disrespectful, and I don't even
Speaker 1: want to put that out there for someone else to
Speaker 1: create a wrong idea of who I am. So I
Speaker 1: do that for myself. I don't even do that because
Speaker 1: my wife is insecure. I do that for my so
Speaker 1: I don't want people looking at me like I'm a creep,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. But I've never, at any
Speaker 1: point in social media felt like if I don't do
Speaker 1: this or I post this, well enough, can you may
Speaker 1: break up with me? Like that's never been definitely not.
Speaker 1: I think so far past that you've never You've never
Speaker 1: put that, that's never been a thing. That's just that's
Speaker 1: just not a battle that we have. UM know, we
Speaker 1: use social media, we don't let it use us. And
Speaker 1: I implore people to do the same thing. Understand that
Speaker 1: social media as a tool, like stop making real life
Speaker 1: decisions based on what happens on social media, please, And
Speaker 1: that's what your your job, that's what your your relationships
Speaker 1: with your family, your friends, and definitely your significant others.
Speaker 1: That's all we have for today. That went by fast.
Speaker 1: That went by fast. Guys. We'll keep writing in you know,
Speaker 1: we'd love to hear from y'all and all that good stuff.
Speaker 1: But before we do anything, UM, do you have a
Speaker 1: moment of truth that sums anything up here? I mean,
Speaker 1: we had so many different topics that we were talking
Speaker 1: about today, um or any kind of any words that
Speaker 1: you'd like to say to our listeners when of truth,
Speaker 1: very very simple of the issues that happen in relationships
Speaker 1: can be solved with adequate communication. Period learn how to
Speaker 1: communicate and converse and listen, not only get your point across,
Speaker 1: but listen, and the problems can be solved. The reason
Speaker 1: why I say that is because there's that one percent
Speaker 1: of people that just ghost people, and you're just like,
Speaker 1: I can't there's nothing that there's no conversation that where
Speaker 1: are you? I'm thinking too, like where's wildo? And it's
Speaker 1: like you're looking on the map, like where do you go?
Speaker 1: Where do you go? Is camouflage? Somewhere you go? Is
Speaker 1: what we want to know. Please let us know if
Speaker 1: you find him, since like honestly, send the update so
Speaker 1: we can just at least know, like what transpired. My
Speaker 1: moment of truth today is I just love y'all. Like
Speaker 1: I feel like I need to say thank you to
Speaker 1: everyone who subscribes to the podcast, who listens, who shares
Speaker 1: with their friends, who you know, puts a clip in
Speaker 1: their group chat with the girls and their guys, Like
Speaker 1: I feel like we don't often get a chance to
Speaker 1: really just thank you all for the love and the
Speaker 1: support and the positive vibes and rooting for us like
Speaker 1: I've never seen a group of strangers. I would say,
Speaker 1: because we don't know you all personally, but strangers really
Speaker 1: root for us the way so many of you do.
Speaker 1: So thank you. That's that's just my moment of truth today.
Speaker 1: You are the reason why we're able to have this podcast,
Speaker 1: which we enjoy so much. We love to do us
Speaker 1: in our team. UM So, just thank you, guys, thank you.
Speaker 1: Nothing profound to say other than just thank you. I
Speaker 1: gotta say that that was definitely well well thought out
Speaker 1: and needed. Thank you pig to say, thank you, you'll dope,
Speaker 1: We love y'all. We appreciate you, and be sure to
Speaker 1: find us on social media at dead as the Podcast.
Speaker 1: Of course, this is Becaudine I am and am devout
Speaker 1: and if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate,
Speaker 1: review and subscribe and keep writing in listening letters y'all.
Speaker 1: Then ask advice at gmail dot com. Do we give
Speaker 1: them that? Oh D E A D A S S
Speaker 1: A D V I C E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: Letters in we'd love to hear from y'all. Thank you
Speaker 1: so much, Dead as Dead Ass is a production of
Speaker 1: I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by Dinorapinia
Speaker 1: and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead
Speaker 1: as to podcasts and Never Miss a Thing