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Speaker 1: Today's show is about y'all, not us, dead ass, because

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Speaker 1: there would be no us without you and you and

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Speaker 1: you and you too, because we just love y'all, dead ass. Hey,

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Speaker 1: I'm Cadine and and we're the Ellises. You may know

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Speaker 1: us from posting funny videos with our boys and reading

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Speaker 1: each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll

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Speaker 1: make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one more

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Speaker 1: important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created

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Speaker 1: this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most

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Speaker 1: taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about

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Speaker 1: through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead adds

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Speaker 1: is the term that we say every day. So when

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Speaker 1: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth,

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Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about

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Speaker 1: to take Phillows off to a whole new level. Dead

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Speaker 1: ass starts right now. M m m. I'm sending him

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Speaker 1: up for a page letter Aaliyah. I enclosed it with

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Speaker 1: the kids, and if I write him, keep better get

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Speaker 1: it on time. Oh yes, say I play myself for you.

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Speaker 1: They say that that you don't even know. Just me, me, me, me,

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Speaker 1: me me. One of my artists. Man, I'm just sitting

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Speaker 1: here think about her. Where would she be now? Amazing?

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Speaker 1: Amazing for sure. So yes, listener letter episode, guys. You

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Speaker 1: know we have to do especially dedicated episode for y'all.

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Speaker 1: I mean it's to the point now where she got

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Speaker 1: on the whole up. I got my blanket out, my tea,

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Speaker 1: she loved to be. I'm ready to hear what you

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Speaker 1: got to say. First of all listener letters, Codine wrote

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Speaker 1: me a four page letter in college front and back.

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Speaker 1: You get it, so it was technically a scripted No

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Speaker 1: one was still for is its four pages. It was

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Speaker 1: four pages from back scripted. My eyes hurting reading it,

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Speaker 1: proclaiming her love for me. I remember those days when

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Speaker 1: she used to love me like that. She put it

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Speaker 1: in a car, left it under my pillow. Now I

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Speaker 1: just drop it from I'll take that day period period. Yes,

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Speaker 1: enough about us, let's it into y'all. Yeah, we pulled

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Speaker 1: some listener letters from the slew of letters that we

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Speaker 1: get in our email. Thank you Travil for sifting through

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Speaker 1: all the mail and pulling out some scenarios that you

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Speaker 1: have going on here. We're gonna best to give you

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Speaker 1: some advice. Even though we don't consider ourselves to be experts.

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Speaker 1: But what we can do was try to relate to

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Speaker 1: what you'll go and do because we didn't been through

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Speaker 1: a lot like there might be a little situation or

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Speaker 1: a story or a little anecdote that we have that

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Speaker 1: we can you know, add into a story that you'll

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Speaker 1: have here. So um so yeah, we're just gonna do

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Speaker 1: our best to see what what we can come up with.

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Speaker 1: All right, So the first one today, Hey dvalin CoDeeN.

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Speaker 1: I am a twenty seven year old single woman living

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Speaker 1: in Maryland. I recently shared with a male friend strictly

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Speaker 1: platnic about a guy that I liked. I saw his

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Speaker 1: advice to gauge if the guy was into me or not.

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Speaker 1: My friend came up with various reasons as to whether

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Speaker 1: he was into me or not. But my male friend

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Speaker 1: gave one suggestion to help quote unquote inc prease my

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Speaker 1: chances in the future, and it was to lose weight. Now.

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Speaker 1: I've been on a successful weight lost journey for two

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Speaker 1: years now, which I had to school my friend on.

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Speaker 1: His comment. Hurt but also confused me that my weight

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Speaker 1: may have been the reason as to why this guy

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Speaker 1: was not interested. I even had a woman. I even

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Speaker 1: had women along my weight lost journey. Tell me the

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Speaker 1: guys must be coming after you, now, was my male friend? Correct?

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Speaker 1: Are men less attractive to plus size women? I guess

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Speaker 1: I should answer this question because I'm a man. Well, listen,

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Speaker 1: there's two things here. Number one, there's a politically correct

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Speaker 1: answer that people want here all the time, which is

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Speaker 1: it doesn't matter what you look like. There's someone for everybody,

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Speaker 1: right of course. But then there's also just the truth. Right.

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Speaker 1: There are beauty standards set which may be fair or

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Speaker 1: not fair. Fear that say that slimmer women get more attention.

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Speaker 1: That's just the standard. And to be honest, if you

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Speaker 1: want increase your chances of who likes you, you know,

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Speaker 1: I guess losing weight. But that doesn't mean that you'll

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Speaker 1: never find someone if you're a heavier person. I mean,

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Speaker 1: I know some really thin women who are lonely because

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Speaker 1: even though they're were thin, they don't got nobody. I

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Speaker 1: know some plus sized women who are happily married, which

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Speaker 1: means there is no exact science. So that's the politically

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Speaker 1: correct answer, and that's the answer that most people will

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Speaker 1: tell you. This is what I'm going to tell you,

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Speaker 1: right you've got to be happy with yourself, because it

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Speaker 1: doesn't matter whether you're a plus size or thin. If

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Speaker 1: you're not happy with yourself, whatever issues you have with yourself,

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Speaker 1: you're gonna bring to whatever relationship you have, and that

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Speaker 1: is going to turn a guy off more than your parents.

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Speaker 1: That's just period, point blank. If you're insecure about how

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Speaker 1: you look, whether it's too big or too small, that

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Speaker 1: insecurity can be a turn off for anybody. That is

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Speaker 1: true because I also to know, um some women who

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Speaker 1: are a little bit more plus size that have confidence

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Speaker 1: through the roof, and with the confidence through the roof,

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Speaker 1: then that in turn attracts a certain kind of energy. Right,

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Speaker 1: So if you feel good about your weight, long journey

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Speaker 1: and where you've gotten so far, I think it's a

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Speaker 1: sensitive topic for women first of all. And you know

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Speaker 1: the fact that people are saying, man, the guys must

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Speaker 1: be coming after you now. It just kind of almost

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Speaker 1: like a backhanded comment like damn girl, you probably were

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Speaker 1: biggest hell before people didn't like you, but now all

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Speaker 1: of a sudden they're they're flooding in. Um I do agree, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it is backhanded. Um, So you definitely have to for

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Speaker 1: working yourself first, which seems like you're doing, which is

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Speaker 1: a good thing too, but also too I don't think

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Speaker 1: you necessarily have to alter who you are and what

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Speaker 1: you look like to then accommodate somebody who you think.

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Speaker 1: You know, when she was gauging if the person was

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Speaker 1: into them, into you or not, I think that's the

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Speaker 1: first thing that people see someone's physical appearance. So if

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Speaker 1: a person is into you off the bat, then chances

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Speaker 1: are they like you for who you are. And then

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Speaker 1: part of your fitness journey, you know, on your journey

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Speaker 1: to health is probably just the icing on the cake. See,

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Speaker 1: but that's that's the truth. Though, like people want to

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Speaker 1: say it's vain to think about looks earth you typically

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Speaker 1: don't start talking to someone or get to meeting someone

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Speaker 1: who you're not physically attracted to first, So that's a

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Speaker 1: part of it, right. So if you're walking around and

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Speaker 1: this person seems to be attracted to you, however you

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Speaker 1: look right now, means they're attracted to you now, you know,

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Speaker 1: very rarely do you meet someone who says, you know, what,

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Speaker 1: she looks good, but if she loves weight, she will

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Speaker 1: look better. And it's not just a woman thing. I know,

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Speaker 1: do who are big who people like, Oh, they want

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Speaker 1: to everybody wants a guy with a six pack. Nah.

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Speaker 1: I got some big homeboys who got some very beautiful

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Speaker 1: wives who are all into them, and it doesn't matter

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Speaker 1: if they're slim or big. So I think it hugs.

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Speaker 1: You've been hugging some big guys. I need to know

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Speaker 1: how many years because we've been together nineteen. I'm not talking.

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Speaker 1: I'm just talking about us. Get up on the podcast,

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Speaker 1: don't get funked up on the podcast on whatnot to that.

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Speaker 1: But now it's um, it's really about confidence man. It's

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Speaker 1: it's just really about confidence, man. Don't don't let and

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Speaker 1: sometimes people try to get you compliments. I'm trying to

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Speaker 1: help you, you know, if they feel like you can

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Speaker 1: be better at something because they know that you're looking,

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Speaker 1: you know, looking to be better. For example, she says

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Speaker 1: she was on a weight lost journey. So if your

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Speaker 1: friend may think he may think he'd be encouraging you

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Speaker 1: by saying, hey, you're doing well, but if you lose

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Speaker 1: more weight, he may think he's trying to encourage you.

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Speaker 1: He may not be trying to be malicious. So it's true.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes like the way people deliver messages, necessarily the way

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Speaker 1: they come across. I'm more the way they're intended. But

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Speaker 1: I feel like, girl, if you are out there working out,

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Speaker 1: getting in better shape for yourself, loving yourself along the way,

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Speaker 1: whoever he is, it's gonna come along. Okay, you're twenty

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Speaker 1: seven to girl, you got you got all the time.

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Speaker 1: Take that from my old head like me. Yeah she Oh,

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Speaker 1: I'm twenty five, so I can't relate to old headedness. Okay, sorry,

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Speaker 1: though I like my coola, I love my couger. We

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Speaker 1: know what kind of head if you like fresh on

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Speaker 1: to the next question. All right, I got this one,

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Speaker 1: go for it. I got engaged a year ago after

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Speaker 1: four years of dating and talking about marriage for gears.

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Speaker 1: My man and I are compatible in a lot of ways,

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Speaker 1: but since COVID, a lot of things have come into

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Speaker 1: play that I didn't see in our years of being together,

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Speaker 1: family being the biggest one. I've realized that he has

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Speaker 1: a savior complex and feels he needs to solve his

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Speaker 1: siblings problems even when it has nothing to do with

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Speaker 1: him and isn't life for death. Under normal circumstances, I

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Speaker 1: wouldn't have a problem with this, but he is putting

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Speaker 1: us on poor so he can help solve everyone's problems.

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Speaker 1: I feel abandoned. We also have a lot of other issues,

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Speaker 1: like him not having a job and not part How

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Speaker 1: do you have a savior complex? You've got a job

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Speaker 1: like that already to me and make no sense. But anyway,

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Speaker 1: we also have people that We also have a lot

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Speaker 1: of other issues, like him not having a job and

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Speaker 1: not prioritizing us in the future. We're trying to build together.

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Speaker 1: The only urgency I see in him is is his

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Speaker 1: want to make money and have and help his family.

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Speaker 1: But there has no plan in place to move us

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Speaker 1: forward at all. How do you want to make I

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Speaker 1: have no job? I'm confused. I've been very patient as

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Speaker 1: he's navigating working throughout his relationships, but now everything is

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Speaker 1: compounding and I'm wanting to leave. We've tried therapy, but

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Speaker 1: he's starting to take us, or take his stress and

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Speaker 1: anger out on me. He's an angel to everyone else,

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Speaker 1: but it's truly unkind to me. More than anything else,

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Speaker 1: I already know who this person is. I'm seeing it's

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Speaker 1: the shift in behavior that is turning me completely off

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Speaker 1: and wanting to leave. We are both in our mind,

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Speaker 1: we are both in our mid thirties, and I wanted

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Speaker 1: to get your opinion on if we should stick it

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Speaker 1: out because of the time invested or separate. I feel

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Speaker 1: like it's one sided. I know I'm not an angel,

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Speaker 1: but me shutting down and wanting to leave is reacting

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Speaker 1: from what he's doing. Please help girl. You said wanting

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Speaker 1: to leave about four times. I think you already left. Agreed, right,

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Speaker 1: I think she's already left. And maybe she was just

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Speaker 1: kind of talking us through this whole thing to pretty

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Speaker 1: much say, girl, you already left. You checked out. Um

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Speaker 1: it's funny because I don't know if he lost his

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Speaker 1: job just because of COVID, you know, the pandemic. A

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Speaker 1: lot of people lost their jobs, so maybe he kind

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Speaker 1: of feels like in that too. He's trying to help

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Speaker 1: his family, he's trying to get back on his feet,

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Speaker 1: and he's trying to do all the things. So it

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Speaker 1: seems a bit scatterbrained to me too, with someone's like

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Speaker 1: spreading yourself in and you're trying to help so many

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Speaker 1: different people, so many different situations at one time, but

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Speaker 1: you can't even help the one that is your main relationship. Um,

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Speaker 1: so I see, I can see how it's easy to

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Speaker 1: for her to feel abandoned. Um, I guess my question

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Speaker 1: is too, I guess if they started therapy, because my

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Speaker 1: question is like, is he actively working towards changing that

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Speaker 1: if it's something that they expressed. But then she said

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Speaker 1: he just takes his stress and anger out on her,

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Speaker 1: So I don't know if he's truly unkind to you

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Speaker 1: like you say, Um, the shifting behavior doesn't see like

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Speaker 1: it is going to change. You're completely off wanting to leave.

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Speaker 1: I think the writing is on the wall girl, especially

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Speaker 1: in your thirties, like I've got time to play games.

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Speaker 1: This is this is what I think as a man

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Speaker 1: who cates the privilege of being a provider and wanting

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Speaker 1: to be the head of household, I know how difficult

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Speaker 1: it can be to say, for example, during COVID, you

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Speaker 1: lost your job and now you can't provide. So now

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Speaker 1: you have you have options. Right one is be the

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Speaker 1: savor complex. I know I'm not where I want to

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Speaker 1: be in my life, but I'm gonna save everybody else

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Speaker 1: so I could at least feel better about where I am.

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Speaker 1: So I'm I'm gonna act like the savior and save

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Speaker 1: everybody else. Additionally, you tend to take out all your

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Speaker 1: insecurities and all your deficiencies as a person as a

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Speaker 1: person on the person who's closest to you, because now

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Speaker 1: she's saying that he's changed and he's being mean. I see.

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Speaker 1: I hope to God that people don't take what happened

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Speaker 1: during with COVID and everything as what life is going

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Speaker 1: to be like with this person, because that's an anomaly,

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Speaker 1: like that's a rarity. We're not going to be living

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Speaker 1: in a pandemic forever. We're not going to be going

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Speaker 1: through a recession at the same time as a pandemic forever.

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Speaker 1: So this is probably the most extreme circumstance that you

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Speaker 1: have with someone. So I wouldn't base your entire relationship

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Speaker 1: on these last few months or year, because you said

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Speaker 1: you've been together for four years, so hopefully there have

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Speaker 1: been better times during those four years for you to

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Speaker 1: decide whether or not you want to stay. I wouldn't

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Speaker 1: just rush to run. I would see if they can rebound,

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Speaker 1: you know, after, because COVID is not over, but as

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Speaker 1: the world begins to open up, hopefully he can get

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Speaker 1: a job and understand that it's not easy to try

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Speaker 1: to be head of household and lose a job, especially

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Speaker 1: as a man. It's it's difficult because, and I say

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Speaker 1: this all the time, when you're in a relationship and

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Speaker 1: you're married, at getting married, if you're going through financial issues,

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Speaker 1: the first person they look at is the man. No

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Speaker 1: one ever says, you're going through financial issues, what is

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Speaker 1: your wife doing? If you're going through financial issues, what

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Speaker 1: is your husband doing? So for him, he probably feels

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Speaker 1: the pressure and it's unfair that he's taking it out

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Speaker 1: on you. But then he's also trying to deflect and

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Speaker 1: and fulfill himself by trying to help others. So say,

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Speaker 1: I wonder too if this is even just a sign

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Speaker 1: of someone who who may be feeling they need to

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Speaker 1: continue to help family and be that crutch or that

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Speaker 1: support for family even after the pandemic or after this

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Speaker 1: anomaly that we're in. Right, you do have scenarios where

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Speaker 1: you have one spouse that is always trying to still

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Speaker 1: help their family because they feel like they are in

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Speaker 1: a position to or they feel like, oh it's their family,

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Speaker 1: or you know, they just want to help out of

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Speaker 1: the genuineness and the goodness of their heart. So could

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Speaker 1: this be a little bit of an inkling? Is that

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Speaker 1: just that's just his personality and he's going to want

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Speaker 1: to try to continue to always help somebody and then

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Speaker 1: leave the deficit in the house. It could be And

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Speaker 1: if that's the case, then they're going to have issues

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Speaker 1: because your first responsibility has to be your nuclear family now,

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Speaker 1: which is the woman you asked to be your wife,

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Speaker 1: Like just just the bottom line, Your your spouse comes first.

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Speaker 1: Like like anyone who says, you know my family, you know,

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Speaker 1: my family is my family first, and I'm getting married

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Speaker 1: with my family comes first. You're entering into a marriage

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Speaker 1: with the wrong mindset, you know, like the person you

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Speaker 1: acts to be your life partner has to come first

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Speaker 1: because you chose that person and that person chose you.

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Speaker 1: And once you make that choice, you can't just say, okay,

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Speaker 1: I chose you, but you gotta wait. That's selfish. So hopefully,

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Speaker 1: you know, hopefully they can talk about it, you can

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Speaker 1: express how you feel, be transparent, and y'all can move forward. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and if you haven't checked out completely already, sis, maybe

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Speaker 1: give it one last fighting chance. Like Devot said, and

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Speaker 1: that was a good point you made. That this space

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Speaker 1: that we've been in for the past here and change.

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Speaker 1: Just can you really get a fair assessment of any

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Speaker 1: thing or any relationship. People are reassessing their own selves

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Speaker 1: as individuals after this, you know what I mean? So um,

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Speaker 1: so good luck to you out there and your boo.

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Speaker 1: Hopefully all can get it together. All right, let's see

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Speaker 1: what else we have here. I'm currently a new listener

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Speaker 1: of your podcast, and I honestly can't stop listening to

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Speaker 1: you guys. Thank you, we are definitely you're definitely coupled

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Speaker 1: goals and just stop individuals, thank you. I need help.

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Speaker 1: So I was is slash am in current currently engaged

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Speaker 1: to my fans and fans So she was slash m

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00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:08,720
Speaker 1: currently engaged, So she is, so she ain't I'm not

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Speaker 1: sure engaged to my fiance who I was supposed to

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Speaker 1: marry Maye. Okay, so the wedding would be coming up

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Speaker 1: next month. Um. We dated for seven and a half years,

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Speaker 1: engaged for four The reason I say was because she

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Speaker 1: kay don't like to be engaged more than four days,

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Speaker 1: let alone four years. But go ahead, finish yours. I

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Speaker 1: thought this episode was about y'all, No it is. I

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Speaker 1: was just trying to relate to what they're going through.

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Speaker 1: So ahead, use up to the reason I say, since

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00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:45,240
Speaker 1: you should have put a trigger warning in this, so

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Speaker 1: at least we knew the valve was gonna be triggered.

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Speaker 1: I just know how people don't like to be engaged

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Speaker 1: for half a decade almost, let alone half a week.

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Speaker 1: You want to finish my story or should I finish it? Bay,

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Speaker 1: whatever you want to do, I'm here for you. The

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00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:05,399
Speaker 1: reason I said was am because she put was slash am.

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Speaker 1: It's because February was the last time I've heard from

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Speaker 1: him or seen him. What what? He ended up blocking

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Speaker 1: me and ghosting me without any explanation why. I have

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Speaker 1: attempted numerous times to get ahold of him, but nothing,

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Speaker 1: even tried emailing him nothing. We were doing pretty good

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00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:33,960
Speaker 1: but not sure why he blocked me or is keeping

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Speaker 1: away from me. We had an entire wedding plan for

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Speaker 1: next month and now he's left me unknown what is happening?

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Speaker 1: And have family and friends asking about the wedding has

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Speaker 1: been so hard that I don't answer. A day before

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Speaker 1: he ghosted me, I was spending time with him and

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Speaker 1: saw his phone. He has a Facebook I don't so

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Speaker 1: I noticed he was talking to this chick on Facebook

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Speaker 1: Messenger and he said, hey, beautiful. What would it take

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00:18:01,119 --> 00:18:04,600
Speaker 1: to get you in my squad? She asked, what does

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00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:07,840
Speaker 1: it consist of? And he said something so want to

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00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:10,960
Speaker 1: hang out with? And she called him. They had a

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00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:15,679
Speaker 1: thirty minute conversation and who knows what was said. They

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00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:19,359
Speaker 1: exchange numbers. When I asked him who she was, he said,

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00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:24,960
Speaker 1: it's just oh, no, no, no, I'm just I'm just

340
00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:28,000
Speaker 1: she's giving him. It's just Arianna. That's her name, and

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Speaker 1: that's all. I feel like he brushed it off and

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00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:34,200
Speaker 1: it was nothing, But it's a big deal. You're about

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Speaker 1: to get married and you're entertaining other females and disrespect

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Speaker 1: to me and don't care. Why is he doing this

345
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Speaker 1: to me? I need help. Since this happened, I've developed

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Speaker 1: anxiety and I haven't been happy and it's just taking

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00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:49,040
Speaker 1: a big toll on me. If it wasn't for God,

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Speaker 1: I would not know what to do. This is easy

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Speaker 1: for me, young lady. If you have brothers, tell your

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00:18:54,800 --> 00:19:00,320
Speaker 1: brothers to whoop his ass. But they can't find him. Oh,

351
00:19:00,359 --> 00:19:01,919
Speaker 1: they could find him if they want to find him.

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00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:04,840
Speaker 1: She wants, she wants, probably wants it to be a

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Speaker 1: mutual agreement with like, no, no, listen to me, they

354
00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:10,560
Speaker 1: got this new hold on. They got this new thing

355
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,399
Speaker 1: now right, Apple came out with it. It's like the

356
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:14,800
Speaker 1: size of a quarter where it has a tracking device

357
00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:18,080
Speaker 1: in it. Right, get one of those, right, find out

358
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Speaker 1: where his car is, put it in his car and

359
00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:24,000
Speaker 1: tracking for a couple of months. Then let your brothers

360
00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:30,560
Speaker 1: whip his ass. I'm telling you this right now. Somebody

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00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:33,280
Speaker 1: do that to somebody I love. Goes somebody I love

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00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:36,520
Speaker 1: like that to me because she said, I'm like, what

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00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:40,120
Speaker 1: does she mean? I was? That's not crazy? And she's

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Speaker 1: kind of like delusional because maybe okay, I'm gonna say shock,

365
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Speaker 1: not delusional because she put was in sweetheart. He goes, shoot, y'all,

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00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:50,439
Speaker 1: alp was gett married next month and you haven't heard

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00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:53,040
Speaker 1: from y'all. Not engaged no more? Because even if he

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00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:57,000
Speaker 1: comes back, you should not be engaged months ago. How

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Speaker 1: do you even engage in a conversation after that? He

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Speaker 1: needs to engage to ask how about that? That is

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00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:07,520
Speaker 1: absolutely that's whack. First of all, um, coward. Yes, it's

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00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:10,679
Speaker 1: a coward move and that and at this rate, if

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Speaker 1: it's something where he felt like he did not want

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Speaker 1: to be married anymore, simply there has to be somebody

375
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Speaker 1: that gets you have a whole family. I'm assuming of

376
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:23,960
Speaker 1: people on both sides. Somebody somebody had that's a mad

377
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,399
Speaker 1: corny somebody has to know where he is. And it

378
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Speaker 1: just at this point, I wouldn't even want the explanation.

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00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:31,600
Speaker 1: I'd be like, you know what, yeah, thank you, thank

380
00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:33,720
Speaker 1: you for doing me a favor. But I feel bad.

381
00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:36,200
Speaker 1: She said they dated for seven and a half years,

382
00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:41,400
Speaker 1: engaged for it doesn't make any sense. It almost makes

383
00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:42,800
Speaker 1: me think. I feel like, was he living like a

384
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:46,520
Speaker 1: double life and and like disappeared into some other life

385
00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:48,959
Speaker 1: that he had, Like, you know, it wouldn't shock me.

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00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:51,600
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry you're going through this. Yeah, it wouldn't

387
00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:54,560
Speaker 1: shock me because Conine watches these shows at night. Right

388
00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:56,960
Speaker 1: is an unsolved mysteries. I'll be watching all the shows

389
00:20:57,000 --> 00:21:00,960
Speaker 1: onsolve mysteries. There's dateline secrets uncovered, um, all all the

390
00:21:01,119 --> 00:21:05,119
Speaker 1: little mystery shows stuff. And they be living double lives,

391
00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:10,560
Speaker 1: love double lives, so whole families and whatnot over Tessa

392
00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:13,399
Speaker 1: and another set of family over. That's that's how it is.

393
00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:15,680
Speaker 1: So I get to count your blessings that you don't

394
00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:18,119
Speaker 1: have a baby and you're not officially married, so there

395
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:22,440
Speaker 1: are no tax implications, there are no children involved. Move on, sweetheart,

396
00:21:24,359 --> 00:21:26,840
Speaker 1: that this happened to you. It really doesn't. I'm not

397
00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:28,480
Speaker 1: one forul to see that because now that's going to

398
00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:30,960
Speaker 1: give her trauma for the rest of her life. She's

399
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:32,440
Speaker 1: going to be happy to deal with that. And always

400
00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:35,240
Speaker 1: happened to question what she may have possibly done wrong.

401
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:38,080
Speaker 1: You ain't do nothing wrong. So all he got issues, Bro,

402
00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:44,560
Speaker 1: he had cowards. That's messed up. Somebody about tight over here, y'all.

403
00:21:44,560 --> 00:21:46,919
Speaker 1: You'll see his face, his brows starting to furry a

404
00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:49,200
Speaker 1: little bit. You see the brow already got bushy brows.

405
00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:52,320
Speaker 1: You know my brows. Be careful that you're gonna get

406
00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:56,040
Speaker 1: wrinkles coming. Listen. I hope nobody break my kids heart, bro,

407
00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:58,320
Speaker 1: because I'm not the type of dad that could just

408
00:21:58,359 --> 00:21:59,960
Speaker 1: be like, hey, he's doing this all right, I'm about

409
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:04,359
Speaker 1: you're trying to box somebody up. You know, mom of

410
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:09,840
Speaker 1: three boys, I know you got it all right. Up next. Hey, guys,

411
00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:11,679
Speaker 1: my name is Matt and I'm twenty seven. I was

412
00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:15,640
Speaker 1: looking for some advice. I love to hear from the guys. Yes,

413
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:19,280
Speaker 1: I found y'all's podcast a couple of months before me

414
00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:21,600
Speaker 1: and my wife separated. We were together about eight to

415
00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:23,760
Speaker 1: nine years and married for three of them. We separated

416
00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:28,080
Speaker 1: due to finances outside, outside interferences, and having children, in

417
00:22:28,119 --> 00:22:31,040
Speaker 1: some miscommunication about seeing each other for more than a

418
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:33,680
Speaker 1: husband and wife. We separated towards the end of two

419
00:22:33,680 --> 00:22:36,359
Speaker 1: thousand nineteen, but we kept in contact. She ended up

420
00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:39,280
Speaker 1: dating and moving with a woman I already knew she

421
00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:42,400
Speaker 1: liked men and women, but still kept in contact with

422
00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:46,200
Speaker 1: me on the low. Okay, fast forward to now, her

423
00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:48,840
Speaker 1: and the woman she ended up with end up talking to,

424
00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:51,879
Speaker 1: have had multiple problems and she would vent to me

425
00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:55,320
Speaker 1: about it, and they're breaking up and moving separately. Right now,

426
00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:58,040
Speaker 1: I'm just having to be the best friend I can be,

427
00:22:58,119 --> 00:22:59,920
Speaker 1: but deep down inside I want my wife back and

428
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:03,000
Speaker 1: best friend back. I'm not sure if I go, if

429
00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:04,560
Speaker 1: I go down, if I go back down that road,

430
00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:08,440
Speaker 1: or do I move on? Ah? I'm a sucker fell

431
00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:09,960
Speaker 1: love of y'all. Let me tell you so. When I

432
00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:13,080
Speaker 1: when I listened to a story like this, sometimes it

433
00:23:13,119 --> 00:23:14,560
Speaker 1: feels like one of those things where you hear about

434
00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:17,119
Speaker 1: people who are like married or together for how many years,

435
00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:20,120
Speaker 1: and then whatever happens, things fall apart and then they

436
00:23:20,119 --> 00:23:22,240
Speaker 1: go their separate ways for a couple of years or whatever,

437
00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:24,320
Speaker 1: and then they end up back together again. I feel

438
00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:27,080
Speaker 1: like I've heard recently about maybe a couple that got

439
00:23:27,119 --> 00:23:30,399
Speaker 1: married again after years of not being together. And what

440
00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:33,280
Speaker 1: makes me think that there may potentially be um some

441
00:23:33,359 --> 00:23:37,400
Speaker 1: hope here for you is the fact that you guys separated,

442
00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:40,040
Speaker 1: he said due to finances. I know that causes a

443
00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:42,640
Speaker 1: strain on a lot of relationships, but depending on where

444
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:45,359
Speaker 1: they are financially now, maybe it might be something that

445
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:49,080
Speaker 1: that doesn't seem to be convinced. No, I was just

446
00:23:49,119 --> 00:23:52,480
Speaker 1: saying maybe for something that they could have worked past,

447
00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:56,120
Speaker 1: that is nice, right. He said that she likes men

448
00:23:56,720 --> 00:23:59,679
Speaker 1: and women. Okay, he will never be able to be

449
00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:01,960
Speaker 1: at anything she wants or need in a partner because

450
00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:04,520
Speaker 1: he can't be a man and a woman. It's going

451
00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:07,760
Speaker 1: to be very difficult for her to be monogamous with

452
00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:12,880
Speaker 1: anybody because clearly she wants access to both. Even when

453
00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:15,400
Speaker 1: she she left him, she was talking to the chick,

454
00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:18,280
Speaker 1: but talking to him on the low, which means she

455
00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:21,320
Speaker 1: was probably talking to another woman on the low while

456
00:24:21,359 --> 00:24:24,120
Speaker 1: she was with him, which is fine. She just needs

457
00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:27,080
Speaker 1: to be honest with herself and say I like men

458
00:24:27,160 --> 00:24:30,240
Speaker 1: and women, and I can't be in a monogamous relationship.

459
00:24:30,560 --> 00:24:33,600
Speaker 1: Maybe y'all can have a sister wife situation where you

460
00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:35,200
Speaker 1: know that's the only way can work out is if

461
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:38,000
Speaker 1: it's her and her girlfriend and him or have an

462
00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:42,560
Speaker 1: agreement and they in a collective trio of a relationship.

463
00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:48,320
Speaker 1: But him just being getting his wife back and expecting

464
00:24:48,359 --> 00:24:54,880
Speaker 1: her to just it's not so yeah, So you feel

465
00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:57,080
Speaker 1: like he's just holding onto that idea of her being

466
00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:59,359
Speaker 1: his wife, but she may not be able to fully

467
00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:01,560
Speaker 1: commit to being that for him right because she just

468
00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:03,800
Speaker 1: doesn't want to be his wife. She also wants to

469
00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:07,400
Speaker 1: be in a relationship with a woman, and it's unfair.

470
00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:11,879
Speaker 1: It's unfair for him to expect her to just be

471
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:14,560
Speaker 1: what he wants her to be, and it's unfair to her.

472
00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:17,800
Speaker 1: It's unfair for her to not be honest with him

473
00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:21,239
Speaker 1: or a woman and say that I want both if

474
00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:23,720
Speaker 1: you're not gonna be upfront, because having one and keeping

475
00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:26,560
Speaker 1: one on the side, it's always gonna end up in heartbreak.

476
00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:29,240
Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure the reason why her and the other

477
00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:31,359
Speaker 1: women are no longer together it's because the other woman

478
00:25:31,359 --> 00:25:33,080
Speaker 1: probably found out that she was still talking to him.

479
00:25:33,119 --> 00:25:36,080
Speaker 1: I guarantee you that way to see how that could

480
00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:38,560
Speaker 1: be even just with in a relationship, say he was

481
00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:42,120
Speaker 1: it was him and her his wife, and then um,

482
00:25:42,160 --> 00:25:44,120
Speaker 1: like he had an outside friend or something like that.

483
00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:46,720
Speaker 1: Like sometimes the friend on the outside or like the

484
00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:49,520
Speaker 1: old relationship on the outside if you're still in communication

485
00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:51,320
Speaker 1: causes a riff, regardless of if it was a man

486
00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:53,600
Speaker 1: or a woman. I mean, I know what you mean,

487
00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:57,480
Speaker 1: but I think in this case it's very direct because

488
00:25:57,520 --> 00:26:00,800
Speaker 1: she has an affinity for men and women, which means

489
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:03,359
Speaker 1: she'll never be able to get that from one person.

490
00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:05,560
Speaker 1: So you know what I'm saying. It's like if I

491
00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:08,159
Speaker 1: have an offense since since I have an affinity for women,

492
00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:12,200
Speaker 1: I love women, but you are a woman. There's nothing

493
00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:14,120
Speaker 1: else that I can get from somebody that I can't

494
00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:17,080
Speaker 1: get from you. As long as you and I continue

495
00:26:17,119 --> 00:26:20,359
Speaker 1: to have communications and discuss what that makes sense. But

496
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:23,320
Speaker 1: if you were intimate, for example, there's nothing I could

497
00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:25,720
Speaker 1: do to be exactly you see what I'm saying, And

498
00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:27,960
Speaker 1: I guess that makes sense, and not for nothing. She

499
00:26:28,080 --> 00:26:32,400
Speaker 1: probably doesn't feel comfortable being honest and say I want

500
00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:36,000
Speaker 1: both and I want both of y'all because traditionally it's

501
00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:38,879
Speaker 1: not acceptable. So she tries to live that life and

502
00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:40,760
Speaker 1: in secretly do this, and then tries to live that

503
00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:43,440
Speaker 1: life and secretly do that because he has to understand

504
00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:45,160
Speaker 1: if she was in a relationship with somebody, but she's

505
00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:47,000
Speaker 1: talking to you on the low, don't that make you

506
00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:49,480
Speaker 1: think she was probably doing that to you? You know

507
00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:52,159
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. I guess I was looking at it

508
00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:54,560
Speaker 1: from the standpoint of the reasons why they broke up

509
00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:59,040
Speaker 1: that he listed was the finances um outside interference about

510
00:26:59,040 --> 00:27:01,439
Speaker 1: having children. If she was, those are the reasons he

511
00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:04,400
Speaker 1: gave her, those are reasons she gave him, and then

512
00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:06,840
Speaker 1: went out and with the medication about seeing each other

513
00:27:06,920 --> 00:27:09,480
Speaker 1: for more than a husband and wife. So and looking

514
00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:11,639
Speaker 1: at that, I felt like, Okay, maybe after some time away,

515
00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:14,119
Speaker 1: maybe they could have worked past it. But you did

516
00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:15,760
Speaker 1: raise a good point where he may not be able

517
00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:18,800
Speaker 1: to be everything that she needs if she has the

518
00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:22,400
Speaker 1: affinity for men and women. Imagine a world where this

519
00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:26,240
Speaker 1: woman didn't feel scrutiny for how she felt about being

520
00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:30,600
Speaker 1: with people and was able to be honest with a

521
00:27:30,640 --> 00:27:32,679
Speaker 1: man and a woman and say I love both of y'all,

522
00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:34,480
Speaker 1: and let's see if we can work it out. Imagine

523
00:27:34,480 --> 00:27:36,680
Speaker 1: the world what as possible. You know, what happens. They

524
00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:39,280
Speaker 1: have a conversation. Maybe it works, maybe it don't work.

525
00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:42,159
Speaker 1: He has an affinity for a woman, he gets two women.

526
00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:45,000
Speaker 1: Maybe that other woman does have an affinity for men

527
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:46,840
Speaker 1: and women too. She gets a man and a woman.

528
00:27:47,119 --> 00:27:49,320
Speaker 1: She has an affinity for men and women. She gets both.

529
00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:52,639
Speaker 1: If they're able to speak it and enjoy it, they

530
00:27:52,640 --> 00:27:54,200
Speaker 1: could work it out, if they can make it work.

531
00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:56,280
Speaker 1: If not, he might be like, no, I just want

532
00:27:56,480 --> 00:27:58,280
Speaker 1: he said he wants his wife and his best friend back,

533
00:27:58,359 --> 00:28:00,600
Speaker 1: so he may not even want another woman. He exactly,

534
00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:02,639
Speaker 1: and I just want you back. And that may not

535
00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:04,480
Speaker 1: work for her and may not work for her. But

536
00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:06,480
Speaker 1: if they had a conversation, but the fact that he

537
00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:10,680
Speaker 1: said on the low means that she's not living her truth. Yeah, man,

538
00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:13,320
Speaker 1: I think you need if you can encourage conversation from her,

539
00:28:13,359 --> 00:28:18,000
Speaker 1: honest conversation, maybe just say hey, you know, hey, whatever

540
00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:20,200
Speaker 1: her name is, um, just hey, you know I understand

541
00:28:20,200 --> 00:28:22,040
Speaker 1: that this is how you feel. You haven't attracted to

542
00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:23,879
Speaker 1: men and women. I may not be able to be

543
00:28:23,920 --> 00:28:26,000
Speaker 1: everything that you need. Do you feel this way? And

544
00:28:26,040 --> 00:28:28,240
Speaker 1: maybe encourage the conversation of the dialogue and hope that

545
00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:30,800
Speaker 1: she can be honest and let him know. So good

546
00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:33,400
Speaker 1: luck to you, Matt. Hope that works out for Yeah,

547
00:28:33,920 --> 00:28:37,040
Speaker 1: you get your boo back. So look, we're gonna take

548
00:28:37,080 --> 00:28:39,840
Speaker 1: a quick break. We got more, We got way more.

549
00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:42,120
Speaker 1: Let us on our way back, but we gotta pay

550
00:28:42,160 --> 00:28:45,960
Speaker 1: some bills. Um, I thought I thought it was it

551
00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:48,680
Speaker 1: was al writer, gotta blanket. Listen to your stuff is cold.

552
00:28:50,040 --> 00:28:52,000
Speaker 1: The air. No, the air was on in here because

553
00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:54,240
Speaker 1: it was hot with the lights and whatnot. But it's

554
00:28:54,240 --> 00:28:55,960
Speaker 1: like to be close you lucky I turned the fireplace

555
00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:57,800
Speaker 1: and I didn't because you're closest to it, so you

556
00:28:57,800 --> 00:29:00,840
Speaker 1: would sweat. But it just makes me feel oh sis,

557
00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:04,240
Speaker 1: tell me, tell me what happened. Bring it back, Bring

558
00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:06,880
Speaker 1: it back. You said you got the air on. You're

559
00:29:06,920 --> 00:29:08,880
Speaker 1: gonna put the air on a blanket and put the

560
00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:10,800
Speaker 1: fireplace on, so you're gonna burn the gas and the

561
00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:12,600
Speaker 1: A C at the same time. That's why I'm not

562
00:29:12,640 --> 00:29:16,840
Speaker 1: doing that against it. I'm wondering how many times when

563
00:29:16,920 --> 00:29:19,400
Speaker 1: I wasn't home, she had on the A C in

564
00:29:19,440 --> 00:29:21,560
Speaker 1: the fine place. That's all I'm wondering right now, because

565
00:29:21,560 --> 00:29:23,280
Speaker 1: I know she's done it before. The only reason why

566
00:29:23,280 --> 00:29:25,360
Speaker 1: he didn't do it is because I'm sitting right here.

567
00:29:26,280 --> 00:29:29,440
Speaker 1: Semantic semantic. We'll talk about that in another episode when

568
00:29:29,560 --> 00:29:31,760
Speaker 1: he talk about how frugal you are. We'll be back

569
00:29:32,120 --> 00:29:35,480
Speaker 1: after I pay these bills. I'll pay them too, you do.

570
00:29:46,240 --> 00:29:50,360
Speaker 1: All right, We're back with more listen to letters. I

571
00:29:50,360 --> 00:29:52,440
Speaker 1: I some of these listener letters really be throwing me

572
00:29:52,520 --> 00:29:54,880
Speaker 1: for a loop. We were talking during the break and

573
00:29:54,920 --> 00:29:59,240
Speaker 1: Shorty was just like he ghosted me and um, asking

574
00:29:59,320 --> 00:30:02,120
Speaker 1: us if we and explain why he goes to her,

575
00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:04,760
Speaker 1: And then it was like what happens when he comes

576
00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:09,040
Speaker 1: back stumped assist. I don't even know what I would do.

577
00:30:09,720 --> 00:30:11,200
Speaker 1: I didn't know what I do know what I would do,

578
00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:14,720
Speaker 1: but we don't promote violence on this. You'll yeah, Hey,

579
00:30:14,760 --> 00:30:16,840
Speaker 1: Conde and de Vale. I love the podcast. Thank you.

580
00:30:16,880 --> 00:30:19,040
Speaker 1: I'm thirty seven years old with no children. I have

581
00:30:19,080 --> 00:30:21,360
Speaker 1: a great job and bought a home back in two

582
00:30:21,400 --> 00:30:23,800
Speaker 1: thousands seventeen. I've been with my man for almost thirteen

583
00:30:23,880 --> 00:30:27,040
Speaker 1: years and we're really happy. Problem is, I'm still waiting

584
00:30:27,040 --> 00:30:29,480
Speaker 1: for him to pop the question. After all this time.

585
00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:32,880
Speaker 1: He's ten years older than me and he's never been married.

586
00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:35,320
Speaker 1: He tells me that it will happen one day, refers

587
00:30:35,360 --> 00:30:37,680
Speaker 1: to me as his wife in a joking manner. It's

588
00:30:37,720 --> 00:30:40,160
Speaker 1: really cute, But I'm not moved by all of that.

589
00:30:40,720 --> 00:30:43,280
Speaker 1: I need the official proposal. I love him dearly and

590
00:30:43,320 --> 00:30:45,880
Speaker 1: we have so many years invested, and I don't want

591
00:30:45,920 --> 00:30:48,880
Speaker 1: to leave my relationship. Neither one of us does. Do

592
00:30:48,920 --> 00:30:51,200
Speaker 1: you guys think I'm a fool for sticking around and

593
00:30:51,240 --> 00:30:54,520
Speaker 1: wanting and waiting? Or is it time to move on?

594
00:30:54,720 --> 00:30:56,920
Speaker 1: I'm not the type of woman that thinks my good

595
00:30:57,000 --> 00:30:59,280
Speaker 1: years are behind me, and I'm honestly happy with him

596
00:30:59,280 --> 00:31:01,960
Speaker 1: in our relationship. It what could be holding him up?

597
00:31:02,160 --> 00:31:08,240
Speaker 1: And how can I find comfort in waiting? Ahead? Girl?

598
00:31:08,280 --> 00:31:10,480
Speaker 1: We know how you don't like to wait, so go

599
00:31:10,520 --> 00:31:13,080
Speaker 1: ahead and give you give You made me seem like

600
00:31:13,600 --> 00:31:18,040
Speaker 1: impatient person in a life? Okay yo? I proposed the case,

601
00:31:18,080 --> 00:31:19,959
Speaker 1: she said, has stopped watching all the She's like, oh,

602
00:31:20,120 --> 00:31:23,120
Speaker 1: you have three hundred and sixty five days starting now?

603
00:31:25,760 --> 00:31:27,960
Speaker 1: Can I help that? I was excited to be your

604
00:31:27,960 --> 00:31:29,600
Speaker 1: wife and I could not wait to be your wife?

605
00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:31,360
Speaker 1: Were you excited to be my wife? Were we excited

606
00:31:31,360 --> 00:31:34,280
Speaker 1: to get married a little bit of both? I appreciate,

607
00:31:34,400 --> 00:31:37,600
Speaker 1: and I was excited for a wedding to appreciate the honesty.

608
00:31:37,760 --> 00:31:41,800
Speaker 1: That's what we do. We've been honest. I'm gonna be honest.

609
00:31:43,160 --> 00:31:47,480
Speaker 1: So I'm wondering if this is a case of why

610
00:31:47,520 --> 00:31:49,600
Speaker 1: by the cow if you can have the milk for free?

611
00:31:51,720 --> 00:31:56,000
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. They've been together almost thirteen years.

612
00:31:56,320 --> 00:32:01,480
Speaker 1: That means they've been together since she's twenty four, and

613
00:32:01,560 --> 00:32:04,200
Speaker 1: he's ten years older than her and never been married.

614
00:32:04,280 --> 00:32:06,360
Speaker 1: So in his mind he probably feels like we're doing

615
00:32:06,400 --> 00:32:10,120
Speaker 1: everything that married people do. I'm getting everything that a

616
00:32:10,200 --> 00:32:15,480
Speaker 1: married person gets or a husband gets. Pull disclosure. Men

617
00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:18,360
Speaker 1: be afraid that women are gonna change when you get married,

618
00:32:18,480 --> 00:32:21,680
Speaker 1: because that's what we're here. So that's what that's about.

619
00:32:21,920 --> 00:32:24,480
Speaker 1: I don't know. I'm years she's been trying to hold

620
00:32:24,480 --> 00:32:27,640
Speaker 1: it down to prove that she is worth marrying. Can

621
00:32:27,680 --> 00:32:32,600
Speaker 1: we be honest? I hope you can be. Some women

622
00:32:32,960 --> 00:32:35,240
Speaker 1: be going above and beyond to prove that they are

623
00:32:36,280 --> 00:32:40,400
Speaker 1: marriage material. Then you get married and they're not the

624
00:32:40,440 --> 00:32:44,280
Speaker 1: same person. And I mean it's vice versa too, because

625
00:32:44,320 --> 00:32:46,480
Speaker 1: some men do that. They give you everything to try

626
00:32:46,480 --> 00:32:48,200
Speaker 1: to get you to be the woman and then once

627
00:32:48,200 --> 00:32:49,600
Speaker 1: they get you as a woman, what they do. They

628
00:32:49,640 --> 00:32:54,280
Speaker 1: get comfortable and they settle right. In the male community,

629
00:32:54,440 --> 00:32:58,760
Speaker 1: you hear a lot of men say, don't get married

630
00:32:59,280 --> 00:33:03,479
Speaker 1: because everything changes when you get married. That is the truth.

631
00:33:03,560 --> 00:33:05,840
Speaker 1: But is that accurate for somebody who's been together for

632
00:33:05,880 --> 00:33:08,520
Speaker 1: almost thirteen years? Is she putting up this facade for

633
00:33:08,600 --> 00:33:12,160
Speaker 1: thirteen years that she's trying to be a wife. Obviously

634
00:33:12,200 --> 00:33:14,600
Speaker 1: I don't know, because I was ready to get married,

635
00:33:14,640 --> 00:33:17,440
Speaker 1: So I don't know what their issue is. She's asking

636
00:33:17,440 --> 00:33:19,720
Speaker 1: a question, why do some men like being in a

637
00:33:19,760 --> 00:33:22,040
Speaker 1: relationship but don't want to get married. A lot of

638
00:33:22,040 --> 00:33:24,800
Speaker 1: men talk about fearing marriage like that's permanent, Like that

639
00:33:24,960 --> 00:33:27,160
Speaker 1: is that is the be all and end all for

640
00:33:27,560 --> 00:33:30,080
Speaker 1: a lot of people. When you get married, it's very

641
00:33:30,120 --> 00:33:33,560
Speaker 1: definite and permanent. In then it's like, okay, now do

642
00:33:33,680 --> 00:33:36,040
Speaker 1: we married? Now? What? Well? I mean that's accurate because

643
00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:38,920
Speaker 1: the jargon that I've heard, you know, you overhearing men

644
00:33:38,960 --> 00:33:42,800
Speaker 1: speak is like, oh that marriage, good luck, Oh don't

645
00:33:42,800 --> 00:33:44,880
Speaker 1: do it, you know, And there's a lot of that

646
00:33:45,400 --> 00:33:49,240
Speaker 1: negativity surrounding marriage when it comes to men and and you, guys,

647
00:33:49,720 --> 00:33:52,240
Speaker 1: talks that you have with each other are amongst yourselves.

648
00:33:52,600 --> 00:33:55,360
Speaker 1: So now y'all too, y'all talk about how sometimes marriage

649
00:33:55,400 --> 00:33:57,360
Speaker 1: can be daunting for a woman. Y'all love the weason

650
00:33:57,480 --> 00:33:59,520
Speaker 1: once we're married. I love the proposal, y'all love the

651
00:33:59,600 --> 00:34:01,680
Speaker 1: ring you'll love. I love the wedding. But then when

652
00:34:01,680 --> 00:34:03,280
Speaker 1: it comes to the marriage and trying to keep up

653
00:34:03,320 --> 00:34:05,120
Speaker 1: with the men and everything, because I feel like I've

654
00:34:05,160 --> 00:34:08,640
Speaker 1: heard so more I've heard as a married woman, I've

655
00:34:08,680 --> 00:34:13,080
Speaker 1: heard more complaints from other married women about being married.

656
00:34:13,640 --> 00:34:18,600
Speaker 1: So then you know what I mean, don't want to

657
00:34:18,600 --> 00:34:20,759
Speaker 1: get married? Well also, I mean I don't know about

658
00:34:20,800 --> 00:34:22,600
Speaker 1: that be willed to win. But I'm also thinking about

659
00:34:22,640 --> 00:34:25,160
Speaker 1: women who then aspire to be married. I don't think

660
00:34:25,160 --> 00:34:28,719
Speaker 1: there's enough conversations happening with the married women to kind

661
00:34:28,719 --> 00:34:33,640
Speaker 1: of get the lowdown almost about what it's like. However,

662
00:34:34,920 --> 00:34:37,719
Speaker 1: there's also to the opportunity for you to then see

663
00:34:37,760 --> 00:34:40,120
Speaker 1: for yourself, because you don't necessarily want to be tainted

664
00:34:40,239 --> 00:34:43,920
Speaker 1: or jaded by other people's experiences. If I listened to

665
00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:46,440
Speaker 1: the women that I've overheard that were married before me

666
00:34:46,880 --> 00:34:50,719
Speaker 1: complain about their situations and their marriages, at that point,

667
00:34:50,800 --> 00:34:52,840
Speaker 1: I probably too would have been like, damn is this

668
00:34:52,920 --> 00:34:55,960
Speaker 1: something I want to do, or I would have been like, man, well,

669
00:34:56,000 --> 00:34:57,959
Speaker 1: I can see why they like that, because since you bitch,

670
00:34:58,040 --> 00:34:59,920
Speaker 1: or since your husband and ship or something like that

671
00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:02,040
Speaker 1: at you know, so it could be two sided when

672
00:35:02,080 --> 00:35:05,759
Speaker 1: we're talking about that the jargone around marriage. But but

673
00:35:05,840 --> 00:35:08,279
Speaker 1: let's let's take it back to when we were dating. Right,

674
00:35:09,120 --> 00:35:12,960
Speaker 1: the excitement, the most excitement for you as a woman

675
00:35:14,400 --> 00:35:17,920
Speaker 1: was getting engaged and getting having a wedding. Right, So

676
00:35:17,960 --> 00:35:20,040
Speaker 1: the excited woman's life that I think many women look

677
00:35:20,080 --> 00:35:23,920
Speaker 1: forward to. What I'm saying is is like the marriage

678
00:35:24,000 --> 00:35:25,960
Speaker 1: wasn't even like I can't wait to be a wife.

679
00:35:26,000 --> 00:35:27,759
Speaker 1: It was I can't wait to get proposed to and

680
00:35:27,760 --> 00:35:29,719
Speaker 1: I can't wait to have a wedding. Right. Well, yeah,

681
00:35:29,800 --> 00:35:32,840
Speaker 1: I also wanted the wife title, but not necessarily aware

682
00:35:32,880 --> 00:35:35,000
Speaker 1: of all of the weight that came with that type. Right,

683
00:35:35,040 --> 00:35:37,680
Speaker 1: So think about it as women. Women want the title,

684
00:35:37,760 --> 00:35:40,839
Speaker 1: I want the ring, I want the wedding. Right as

685
00:35:40,880 --> 00:35:43,400
Speaker 1: a man, I gotta provide you with the ring and

686
00:35:43,440 --> 00:35:46,360
Speaker 1: the wedding. What do I necessarily, as a man, gain

687
00:35:46,960 --> 00:35:51,000
Speaker 1: from wanting so much to be married? If you hear

688
00:35:51,080 --> 00:35:54,120
Speaker 1: you would want a full wife? No, no, no, no,

689
00:35:54,200 --> 00:35:55,960
Speaker 1: what I'm saying is if you said you hear from

690
00:35:55,960 --> 00:35:59,680
Speaker 1: otherwise other women complaining about marriage, and men hear from

691
00:35:59,680 --> 00:36:02,960
Speaker 1: other aready men about complaining about marriage. As a woman,

692
00:36:03,400 --> 00:36:05,080
Speaker 1: when it's time to get married, you get a ring,

693
00:36:05,160 --> 00:36:07,200
Speaker 1: you get the wedding that you want. As a man,

694
00:36:07,719 --> 00:36:10,279
Speaker 1: what do you get you get married? We don't gain

695
00:36:10,320 --> 00:36:12,919
Speaker 1: anything from it. So I feel like when I'm talking

696
00:36:12,920 --> 00:36:15,400
Speaker 1: about like physically, like far as the ring is concerned,

697
00:36:15,880 --> 00:36:18,920
Speaker 1: So it's like, we don't get excited about the actual

698
00:36:19,320 --> 00:36:23,200
Speaker 1: wedding day because it's a party if we want to

699
00:36:23,239 --> 00:36:25,160
Speaker 1: get married. If a man wants to get married because

700
00:36:25,200 --> 00:36:28,560
Speaker 1: he's exciting about being a husband and getting and having

701
00:36:28,560 --> 00:36:30,759
Speaker 1: a wife and providing I guess provide you know what

702
00:36:30,800 --> 00:36:34,080
Speaker 1: I'm saying, or working to provide a lifestyle with his wife. Right,

703
00:36:34,120 --> 00:36:36,640
Speaker 1: So if he probably feels like, if I'm doing all

704
00:36:36,640 --> 00:36:38,960
Speaker 1: of this now as a boyfriend, what's the big deal

705
00:36:38,960 --> 00:36:41,439
Speaker 1: about getting married? That's my point because it's like, what's

706
00:36:41,440 --> 00:36:43,800
Speaker 1: the big deal about the wedding? If we're both happy

707
00:36:43,920 --> 00:36:48,560
Speaker 1: and we're doing this together, right, what was the big

708
00:36:48,640 --> 00:36:51,640
Speaker 1: rush to have a party and to and to invite

709
00:36:51,640 --> 00:36:54,279
Speaker 1: other people and spend money? So maybe they don't have

710
00:36:54,320 --> 00:36:56,319
Speaker 1: to have a big wedding, which is in retrospect what

711
00:36:56,360 --> 00:36:59,600
Speaker 1: I would have done. Don't do what I did before,

712
00:37:00,239 --> 00:37:01,919
Speaker 1: say that because he didn't meant she didn't even mention

713
00:37:01,920 --> 00:37:03,760
Speaker 1: it here a wedding. She just said that she wants

714
00:37:03,800 --> 00:37:06,520
Speaker 1: a proposal and she wants to be married. So if

715
00:37:06,520 --> 00:37:08,920
Speaker 1: it wasn't even a wedding situation, they couldn't even do

716
00:37:09,000 --> 00:37:12,680
Speaker 1: something privately, something small. So even if it's just a

717
00:37:12,719 --> 00:37:16,160
Speaker 1: sign of a sign of good faith, like yes, I

718
00:37:16,239 --> 00:37:20,680
Speaker 1: appreciate you as my girlfriend for all these years. I'm committed, fully,

719
00:37:20,760 --> 00:37:22,919
Speaker 1: I agree with you. I'm serious about where I am.

720
00:37:23,080 --> 00:37:24,840
Speaker 1: You know what I mean. But then will she apply

721
00:37:24,920 --> 00:37:27,880
Speaker 1: the pressure like we had in a former episode and

722
00:37:27,960 --> 00:37:31,920
Speaker 1: that's my pressure now, or she's setting out her expectations

723
00:37:32,080 --> 00:37:34,640
Speaker 1: to him. So but this, but this is my that's

724
00:37:34,680 --> 00:37:37,120
Speaker 1: my point of the psychology between a man and a

725
00:37:37,160 --> 00:37:40,680
Speaker 1: woman during the dating process. Right, if a man is

726
00:37:40,719 --> 00:37:44,200
Speaker 1: doing all of these things for you, already improving all

727
00:37:44,200 --> 00:37:47,040
Speaker 1: of these things for you, he has his timeline. Right,

728
00:37:47,520 --> 00:37:49,560
Speaker 1: You're in a rush to do what get a title,

729
00:37:49,600 --> 00:37:53,080
Speaker 1: get a ring, and have a party. You're excited, you're happy,

730
00:37:53,120 --> 00:37:54,839
Speaker 1: you get everything that you want on the life. But

731
00:37:55,160 --> 00:37:58,280
Speaker 1: until you get the ring, get the party, and the title,

732
00:37:58,640 --> 00:38:02,000
Speaker 1: you're not content. For a man, he's the one responsible

733
00:38:02,040 --> 00:38:03,759
Speaker 1: to give you the ring and the party and make

734
00:38:03,800 --> 00:38:07,439
Speaker 1: you content. But what does he physically gain more now

735
00:38:07,520 --> 00:38:13,719
Speaker 1: than he had before by getting married. Nothing. That's why

736
00:38:13,840 --> 00:38:17,880
Speaker 1: men are always typically like marriage is so finite, you

737
00:38:17,880 --> 00:38:20,560
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, And I was getting into the psychology.

738
00:38:20,600 --> 00:38:24,400
Speaker 1: For me, marriage was more than that. For me, marriage

739
00:38:24,440 --> 00:38:26,600
Speaker 1: what is is a part, if of course, as a contract,

740
00:38:26,680 --> 00:38:29,759
Speaker 1: a financial contract that binds you and I. Right, It's

741
00:38:29,800 --> 00:38:33,080
Speaker 1: also a title where I feel like we are committed

742
00:38:33,120 --> 00:38:36,200
Speaker 1: to serving one another. These are my ideas of marriage.

743
00:38:36,239 --> 00:38:38,720
Speaker 1: This is not what people typically think about a marriage.

744
00:38:39,160 --> 00:38:42,239
Speaker 1: When I thought about marriage, I was thinking about legacy.

745
00:38:42,280 --> 00:38:44,759
Speaker 1: I'm going to pass down what we've created for our

746
00:38:44,880 --> 00:38:49,600
Speaker 1: kids to our kids, both of us, you know what

747
00:38:49,640 --> 00:38:51,480
Speaker 1: I'm saying. That's something that we want out of marriage

748
00:38:51,719 --> 00:38:53,480
Speaker 1: more than me. Like me, over the years, I had

749
00:38:53,520 --> 00:38:56,480
Speaker 1: to kind of redefine what marriage meant to me because

750
00:38:56,719 --> 00:38:59,600
Speaker 1: again I was going into it very I want to say, blindly,

751
00:38:59,680 --> 00:39:03,120
Speaker 1: not what actually you needed as a wife too, because

752
00:39:03,120 --> 00:39:06,080
Speaker 1: there's also no structure for what the click cookie cutter

753
00:39:06,120 --> 00:39:08,839
Speaker 1: wife looks like you know, I agree, so, but that's

754
00:39:08,880 --> 00:39:10,279
Speaker 1: what you got to think about, like, and I think

755
00:39:10,320 --> 00:39:12,520
Speaker 1: people need to start thinking about that. When it comes

756
00:39:12,560 --> 00:39:14,839
Speaker 1: to my partner's not rushing into marriage and I want

757
00:39:14,840 --> 00:39:18,280
Speaker 1: to get married, what what do you want out of marriage?

758
00:39:18,840 --> 00:39:20,840
Speaker 1: What does he want out of marriage or vice versa,

759
00:39:21,120 --> 00:39:24,440
Speaker 1: and what are we gaining by going into that next step?

760
00:39:24,520 --> 00:39:26,920
Speaker 1: So that might be a good conversation starter for you. Sis.

761
00:39:26,920 --> 00:39:30,560
Speaker 1: How about like you said, maybe sitting down over dinner

762
00:39:30,560 --> 00:39:32,719
Speaker 1: one night or over a date night, what would be

763
00:39:32,760 --> 00:39:35,680
Speaker 1: the pros and cons to officially being married? I agree

764
00:39:35,719 --> 00:39:37,319
Speaker 1: with that, you know, and just kind of see if

765
00:39:37,360 --> 00:39:41,600
Speaker 1: you even align on the benefits see that. See you're

766
00:39:41,960 --> 00:39:44,439
Speaker 1: right there, the benefits of marriage. That's what people don't

767
00:39:44,520 --> 00:39:47,720
Speaker 1: align on the benefits of a marriage and not the cons.

768
00:39:48,080 --> 00:39:49,680
Speaker 1: You know. But I think that might be a good

769
00:39:49,719 --> 00:39:52,239
Speaker 1: place to start because then you can really get an

770
00:39:52,320 --> 00:39:55,759
Speaker 1: idea of what where the value lies for him or not,

771
00:39:56,320 --> 00:39:58,000
Speaker 1: you know, and you won't feel it left in the dark.

772
00:39:58,080 --> 00:40:00,399
Speaker 1: Because if she says she's happy in her RelA and ship,

773
00:40:00,680 --> 00:40:03,320
Speaker 1: she doesn't want to leave the relationship. She loves him dearly,

774
00:40:03,960 --> 00:40:07,239
Speaker 1: So is that enough? Not having the ring is that

775
00:40:07,360 --> 00:40:08,799
Speaker 1: enough for you to feel like, man, I just want

776
00:40:08,800 --> 00:40:10,640
Speaker 1: to walk away. It's like you're going to leave that

777
00:40:10,680 --> 00:40:12,719
Speaker 1: to them. Do what that's and that's and that's my

778
00:40:12,840 --> 00:40:15,440
Speaker 1: point is like you found a man that you're in

779
00:40:15,480 --> 00:40:17,480
Speaker 1: love with and you guys are building something together, but

780
00:40:17,520 --> 00:40:18,960
Speaker 1: since he don't give you a ring and throw a

781
00:40:19,000 --> 00:40:22,480
Speaker 1: party and a title, you're really to walk away? What

782
00:40:22,520 --> 00:40:25,240
Speaker 1: does that really say about what you were looking for

783
00:40:25,680 --> 00:40:28,440
Speaker 1: in a partnership, you know what I'm saying. Like my

784
00:40:28,440 --> 00:40:33,360
Speaker 1: my grandmother, my nanny, she was married before my grandfather um,

785
00:40:33,480 --> 00:40:36,239
Speaker 1: they got a divorce, she started dating my Papa John

786
00:40:37,440 --> 00:40:42,680
Speaker 1: together for years get married. And it wasn't because my

787
00:40:42,680 --> 00:40:45,360
Speaker 1: Papa John didn't want to get married. My grandmother was

788
00:40:45,400 --> 00:40:48,840
Speaker 1: just like yo, chill out because to her at this point,

789
00:40:48,880 --> 00:40:52,400
Speaker 1: marriage had a different value other than the wedding and

790
00:40:52,440 --> 00:40:55,880
Speaker 1: the ring. You know, and just for a second time around,

791
00:40:55,960 --> 00:40:57,799
Speaker 1: I'm considering it for a second time around. I could

792
00:40:57,800 --> 00:40:59,799
Speaker 1: see how she would feel like that. Yet because now

793
00:40:59,840 --> 00:41:01,640
Speaker 1: she has more insight and more wisdom to know that

794
00:41:01,680 --> 00:41:03,840
Speaker 1: marriage is not just about that day. It's not just

795
00:41:03,880 --> 00:41:07,120
Speaker 1: about the ring or the title. It's about two people

796
00:41:07,160 --> 00:41:10,520
Speaker 1: sharing in one ideal about how they're going to push

797
00:41:10,560 --> 00:41:13,800
Speaker 1: their legacy forward. And if you're not together on that ideal,

798
00:41:14,160 --> 00:41:17,680
Speaker 1: rushing to get married and not even rushing, just trying

799
00:41:17,680 --> 00:41:19,839
Speaker 1: to get married because you've been together for a long time.

800
00:41:19,880 --> 00:41:21,680
Speaker 1: That's another thing. We've been together twelve years. We need

801
00:41:21,680 --> 00:41:24,480
Speaker 1: to get married. If y'all can't even collaborate on ideals

802
00:41:24,480 --> 00:41:26,680
Speaker 1: on what a marriage is, then you shouldn't get married

803
00:41:26,880 --> 00:41:29,000
Speaker 1: because once you get married, then it's like, well now

804
00:41:29,040 --> 00:41:32,560
Speaker 1: what now? Now it's now what? Now? What? Now? We're married?

805
00:41:33,360 --> 00:41:35,200
Speaker 1: You know, So that's what they should. They should have

806
00:41:35,200 --> 00:41:39,959
Speaker 1: a conversation about legacy and what marriage means to them,

807
00:41:40,040 --> 00:41:42,200
Speaker 1: and then they'll be able to decide something. But they

808
00:41:42,320 --> 00:41:44,759
Speaker 1: each have to gain from that. So good luck to you, says,

809
00:41:44,760 --> 00:41:48,680
Speaker 1: Hopefully that works out for you and your boot and

810
00:41:49,640 --> 00:41:57,000
Speaker 1: the next is it the last? All right? They provide

811
00:41:57,000 --> 00:41:59,200
Speaker 1: context for us now because a couple of times and

812
00:41:59,200 --> 00:42:01,360
Speaker 1: we've and we've actually for context. So shout out to

813
00:42:01,920 --> 00:42:04,880
Speaker 1: thank you for giving very well thought out listener letters

814
00:42:04,920 --> 00:42:08,080
Speaker 1: here so we can get the total picture somewhat. Okay,

815
00:42:08,520 --> 00:42:10,480
Speaker 1: hey y'all, First off, let me start by saying I

816
00:42:10,520 --> 00:42:13,279
Speaker 1: love the work you do seeing black people portraying a

817
00:42:13,320 --> 00:42:15,840
Speaker 1: positive light. Thank you so much. Keep up the awesome

818
00:42:15,920 --> 00:42:19,239
Speaker 1: and inspirational work you no want to the subject at hand.

819
00:42:19,280 --> 00:42:22,080
Speaker 1: We appreciate that I am a thirty two year old

820
00:42:22,120 --> 00:42:24,640
Speaker 1: woman and have been in a happy relationship for almost

821
00:42:24,680 --> 00:42:26,960
Speaker 1: two years now. I must say that it is the

822
00:42:26,960 --> 00:42:30,239
Speaker 1: most satisfying, selfless, healthy relationship I have ever been in.

823
00:42:30,600 --> 00:42:32,480
Speaker 1: I like to think that this is old to the

824
00:42:32,520 --> 00:42:34,680
Speaker 1: fact that we are. We were best friends prior to

825
00:42:34,719 --> 00:42:39,239
Speaker 1: becoming a couple. That's dope. My boyfriend is quiet and

826
00:42:39,239 --> 00:42:42,520
Speaker 1: extremely kind hearted, which attracts females. He's the good guy

827
00:42:42,560 --> 00:42:45,040
Speaker 1: that women want as their friend but don't want to date.

828
00:42:45,120 --> 00:42:47,319
Speaker 1: I was one of them. That being said, he has

829
00:42:47,360 --> 00:42:49,799
Speaker 1: other female friends. This does not bother me at all,

830
00:42:49,880 --> 00:42:53,160
Speaker 1: being that I also have male friends. You shouldn't also

831
00:42:53,239 --> 00:42:56,360
Speaker 1: know that he is not very attractive, not very active

832
00:42:56,360 --> 00:43:02,000
Speaker 1: excuse me on social media. Ugly just he is not

833
00:43:02,080 --> 00:43:05,200
Speaker 1: very active on social media platforms, although he has them.

834
00:43:05,239 --> 00:43:07,920
Speaker 1: There is a picture of one of his female friends

835
00:43:07,920 --> 00:43:11,360
Speaker 1: on Instagram from two thousand seventeen, that is four years ago, okay,

836
00:43:11,520 --> 00:43:14,440
Speaker 1: giving her a graduation shout out. Today I asked him

837
00:43:14,440 --> 00:43:16,719
Speaker 1: to remove it from his page, and I feel like

838
00:43:16,760 --> 00:43:19,480
Speaker 1: he was slightly annoyed by the request. I would be too.

839
00:43:19,800 --> 00:43:22,279
Speaker 1: I am in no way threatened by this friendship. He

840
00:43:22,360 --> 00:43:26,440
Speaker 1: still maintains with the woman. However, before we became a couple,

841
00:43:26,719 --> 00:43:29,200
Speaker 1: he was completely honest and disclosed that he had sex

842
00:43:29,440 --> 00:43:31,719
Speaker 1: with her once. The reason I asked him to remove

843
00:43:31,760 --> 00:43:33,840
Speaker 1: the picture is because one, I do not feel it

844
00:43:33,920 --> 00:43:35,600
Speaker 1: is appropriate for him to have a picture of a

845
00:43:35,600 --> 00:43:38,000
Speaker 1: woman he has sex with on public display while he

846
00:43:38,080 --> 00:43:40,920
Speaker 1: is in a relationship. And too, there are no pictures

847
00:43:40,920 --> 00:43:43,960
Speaker 1: of men on his no pictures of me on his

848
00:43:44,040 --> 00:43:47,040
Speaker 1: social media, so there shouldn't be pictures of any other

849
00:43:47,080 --> 00:43:49,680
Speaker 1: women aside from family. Like I said, he is not

850
00:43:49,760 --> 00:43:52,080
Speaker 1: active on social media, so it doesn't bother me that

851
00:43:52,160 --> 00:43:55,360
Speaker 1: he doesn't post me. But seeing the picture, although it

852
00:43:55,480 --> 00:43:58,319
Speaker 1: is four years old, triggered feelings of insecurity from a

853
00:43:58,360 --> 00:44:00,759
Speaker 1: previous relationship where my ex pole. So that's what this

854
00:44:00,840 --> 00:44:06,320
Speaker 1: really is about. There when my ex posted every woman

855
00:44:06,360 --> 00:44:08,319
Speaker 1: except me and it turned out he was cheating. So

856
00:44:08,360 --> 00:44:10,279
Speaker 1: I have my reasons. Yet you have your reasons, but

857
00:44:10,360 --> 00:44:13,000
Speaker 1: that reason doesn't justify you asking that of him. But

858
00:44:13,600 --> 00:44:16,400
Speaker 1: I am a mental health therapist, so you know all this,

859
00:44:16,560 --> 00:44:19,239
Speaker 1: and your mental therapist make that makes sense, So I

860
00:44:19,280 --> 00:44:22,240
Speaker 1: realized that may be projecting past trauma onto him. Oh

861
00:44:22,520 --> 00:44:26,120
Speaker 1: so you say exactly what it is but still requesting it. Okay,

862
00:44:26,160 --> 00:44:29,719
Speaker 1: But I also realized whether I whatever I feel is

863
00:44:29,840 --> 00:44:34,160
Speaker 1: valid to you? Valid to you? My question? However, you've

864
00:44:34,160 --> 00:44:37,080
Speaker 1: answered all of your questions though, like whatever is? Do

865
00:44:37,160 --> 00:44:39,160
Speaker 1: you guys think it is extreme of me to ask

866
00:44:39,239 --> 00:44:41,640
Speaker 1: him to take the photo down? Yes? And what are

867
00:44:41,719 --> 00:44:44,080
Speaker 1: your thoughts when having photos of opposite sex and your

868
00:44:44,120 --> 00:44:48,160
Speaker 1: social media, especially if your significant other isn't posted side note?

869
00:44:48,200 --> 00:44:51,120
Speaker 1: He is Hella petty, I'm pretty sure he is, and

870
00:44:51,200 --> 00:44:53,560
Speaker 1: proceeded to post a picture of me stuffing a sandwich

871
00:44:53,600 --> 00:44:59,920
Speaker 1: in my mouth after moving her picture. Yo, because I

872
00:45:00,080 --> 00:45:03,239
Speaker 1: some ship you would do. That's not woman. That's definitely

873
00:45:03,280 --> 00:45:07,920
Speaker 1: something I would have did, because that was retarded and

874
00:45:08,000 --> 00:45:10,239
Speaker 1: I can't even say that. I didn't say more. That

875
00:45:10,400 --> 00:45:16,000
Speaker 1: was that was? That was? This be a different world,

876
00:45:16,040 --> 00:45:18,160
Speaker 1: y'all live in bro. How do you go back four

877
00:45:18,239 --> 00:45:21,239
Speaker 1: years in his instagram? No one, he don't post find

878
00:45:21,320 --> 00:45:23,680
Speaker 1: issue with a woman he admitted to having sex with,

879
00:45:23,880 --> 00:45:27,160
Speaker 1: prying to prior to being with you and say, I

880
00:45:27,239 --> 00:45:31,200
Speaker 1: know I'm projecting from my past relationships, but my feelings

881
00:45:31,200 --> 00:45:35,120
Speaker 1: are valid. Girls, Make it makes sense, Cadine for me, please,

882
00:45:35,719 --> 00:45:37,520
Speaker 1: I can't even be with you on this one. Sis

883
00:45:37,600 --> 00:45:39,239
Speaker 1: and I mean and typically we don't try to like

884
00:45:39,320 --> 00:45:41,759
Speaker 1: gang up and take a side, but this is completely

885
00:45:41,880 --> 00:45:45,239
Speaker 1: ridiculous at this point. The biggest thing for me was

886
00:45:45,280 --> 00:45:48,480
Speaker 1: that you scroll back to two thousand and seventeen, No One,

887
00:45:48,480 --> 00:45:50,840
Speaker 1: he don't pose and know that he don't. It's not

888
00:45:50,840 --> 00:45:53,880
Speaker 1: even like he's a chronic poster. You scroll all the

889
00:45:53,920 --> 00:45:57,160
Speaker 1: way back know that he doesn't pose. He was honest

890
00:45:57,200 --> 00:45:59,000
Speaker 1: and upfront about the fact that he had sex with

891
00:45:59,040 --> 00:46:01,640
Speaker 1: her one time. He's honest about the fact that they're

892
00:46:01,640 --> 00:46:06,400
Speaker 1: still friends. I feel like you're just blunting for punishment,

893
00:46:06,400 --> 00:46:10,480
Speaker 1: like you're just looking for a reason to pick a fight.

894
00:46:10,600 --> 00:46:12,200
Speaker 1: The best thing about this is that she says she's

895
00:46:12,200 --> 00:46:17,560
Speaker 1: a mental health professional, all right, Like you already know

896
00:46:17,840 --> 00:46:19,640
Speaker 1: you answered a lot of your questions here. She did

897
00:46:19,680 --> 00:46:21,919
Speaker 1: answer all her own questions, right, And if you feel

898
00:46:21,920 --> 00:46:24,480
Speaker 1: like you're feeling is valid because you had this past trauma,

899
00:46:24,560 --> 00:46:27,160
Speaker 1: then you cannot project that on him. Though you know

900
00:46:27,200 --> 00:46:29,960
Speaker 1: what she's doing, right. She knows she wrong, but she's

901
00:46:29,960 --> 00:46:33,160
Speaker 1: gonna keep asking for advice until someone validates her feelings.

902
00:46:33,560 --> 00:46:36,640
Speaker 1: I'm not doing that here the wrong place. I am

903
00:46:36,719 --> 00:46:40,399
Speaker 1: not doing that here. You was bugging, and you might be.

904
00:46:40,520 --> 00:46:42,279
Speaker 1: You might miss out on a good thing if you

905
00:46:42,320 --> 00:46:45,200
Speaker 1: continue to bug out this way, because the one thing

906
00:46:45,239 --> 00:46:48,640
Speaker 1: you can't do to people is make demands. You know

907
00:46:48,680 --> 00:46:52,360
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. You don't doesn't take kindly to demands.

908
00:46:52,360 --> 00:46:54,040
Speaker 1: Because times when I felt like I was gonna put

909
00:46:54,080 --> 00:46:55,920
Speaker 1: my foot down and say it's gonna be this, or

910
00:46:56,000 --> 00:46:58,360
Speaker 1: that Devo is not doing this, or that Dival is

911
00:46:58,400 --> 00:47:02,080
Speaker 1: doing whatever that's he wants to do. So that being said,

912
00:47:02,960 --> 00:47:04,720
Speaker 1: I'm just like, bro, I'll tell you how I feel,

913
00:47:04,760 --> 00:47:07,680
Speaker 1: we try to acknowledge it, and then we move forward.

914
00:47:07,920 --> 00:47:12,160
Speaker 1: But him him, him being petty after I had to

915
00:47:12,200 --> 00:47:14,600
Speaker 1: laugh at it. I had to keep petty. But he

916
00:47:14,640 --> 00:47:16,360
Speaker 1: even not as petty as me. I probably would have

917
00:47:16,360 --> 00:47:20,840
Speaker 1: posted another picture to go that would have been like

918
00:47:21,239 --> 00:47:23,080
Speaker 1: devout a call to up and be like, hey, so

919
00:47:23,120 --> 00:47:25,120
Speaker 1: it's just like swimming real quick, look at this selfie.

920
00:47:25,600 --> 00:47:27,719
Speaker 1: And he would have posted a selfie with homegirl because

921
00:47:27,880 --> 00:47:30,080
Speaker 1: because they've done the whole real together, Like I feel

922
00:47:30,080 --> 00:47:33,800
Speaker 1: like you can't have retroactive jealousy. So it's like we were,

923
00:47:33,840 --> 00:47:37,040
Speaker 1: we were friends prior to us dating. You knew that

924
00:47:37,320 --> 00:47:39,600
Speaker 1: we had something before, but now you're jealous of a

925
00:47:39,640 --> 00:47:43,279
Speaker 1: friendship and a relationship we had one time before. That's

926
00:47:43,320 --> 00:47:45,520
Speaker 1: kind of crazy. And then you know that you're bringing

927
00:47:45,560 --> 00:47:48,920
Speaker 1: this past trauma from another relationship into this relationship, so

928
00:47:49,000 --> 00:47:55,280
Speaker 1: you've created a whole scenario. Also, why do people put

929
00:47:55,719 --> 00:48:01,279
Speaker 1: social media standards on real life relationships? Like for me,

930
00:48:01,640 --> 00:48:03,640
Speaker 1: this is the only time I would be mad if

931
00:48:03,640 --> 00:48:08,520
Speaker 1: someone posts something on social media. If me, you, Josh,

932
00:48:08,560 --> 00:48:11,560
Speaker 1: and Nora are all friends and we all friends on

933
00:48:11,600 --> 00:48:15,960
Speaker 1: social media, right if you post pictures of all your friends,

934
00:48:16,200 --> 00:48:19,240
Speaker 1: but you don't post pictures of me, and you post

935
00:48:19,280 --> 00:48:22,840
Speaker 1: all the time, At that point, excuse me, I would say,

936
00:48:22,920 --> 00:48:24,719
Speaker 1: why is it that you post all of us and

937
00:48:24,719 --> 00:48:27,680
Speaker 1: we're all friends and you don't post me. You understand

938
00:48:27,680 --> 00:48:31,400
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. But if we're in a real relationship,

939
00:48:31,560 --> 00:48:33,640
Speaker 1: not a friendship like I'm talking about it, if we

940
00:48:33,680 --> 00:48:36,960
Speaker 1: were just friends on social media, a romantic relationship and

941
00:48:37,000 --> 00:48:42,040
Speaker 1: we have a foundation rooted in truth friendship, she said,

942
00:48:42,080 --> 00:48:44,040
Speaker 1: he is his best from her best friend, and you

943
00:48:44,080 --> 00:48:47,040
Speaker 1: don't post on social media, why are you using social

944
00:48:47,080 --> 00:48:50,239
Speaker 1: media as the standard to which you want to hold

945
00:48:50,280 --> 00:48:53,760
Speaker 1: your relationship values to. That to me, doesn't make any sense.

946
00:48:54,280 --> 00:48:56,359
Speaker 1: We are friends in real life, we are lovers in

947
00:48:56,400 --> 00:49:01,680
Speaker 1: real life. Been the most sad, find selfish and healthy

948
00:49:01,760 --> 00:49:05,279
Speaker 1: relationship I've been in. I'm lost. So why are we

949
00:49:05,400 --> 00:49:09,319
Speaker 1: making it sick? Well, you know what we just found out.

950
00:49:09,360 --> 00:49:12,279
Speaker 1: You know who makes it unsick? What makes it sick?

951
00:49:12,280 --> 00:49:16,399
Speaker 1: You know who makes it sick her? Because this soon,

952
00:49:16,480 --> 00:49:18,600
Speaker 1: this ain't gonna be satisfying and healthy. If she keeps

953
00:49:18,640 --> 00:49:21,040
Speaker 1: doing stuff like this, he's going to get frustrated and

954
00:49:21,080 --> 00:49:23,879
Speaker 1: he's going to be over it. Because then she said,

955
00:49:23,920 --> 00:49:27,480
Speaker 1: he's petty for doing that. But since you petty for

956
00:49:27,520 --> 00:49:30,360
Speaker 1: even bringing that up, and we all got to stop

957
00:49:30,400 --> 00:49:32,520
Speaker 1: doing that. We gotta, like, we gotta stop making it

958
00:49:32,520 --> 00:49:35,520
Speaker 1: seem like social media is to be all that ends all.

959
00:49:36,400 --> 00:49:38,480
Speaker 1: Like even if you post a picture every single day,

960
00:49:38,680 --> 00:49:41,719
Speaker 1: that picture takes a snapshot, that's a fraction of a day.

961
00:49:41,920 --> 00:49:44,640
Speaker 1: You have so many other days, so many other minutes

962
00:49:44,680 --> 00:49:46,800
Speaker 1: and hours in the day, But you want to focus

963
00:49:46,840 --> 00:49:49,759
Speaker 1: on a fraction of a second that someone posts. It's

964
00:49:49,800 --> 00:49:53,920
Speaker 1: kind of insane. It's insane. I guess it's really insane.

965
00:49:54,560 --> 00:49:57,200
Speaker 1: I don't know and the thing is girls just laughed

966
00:49:57,239 --> 00:49:59,640
Speaker 1: this one off at this point. Yeah, you should see

967
00:49:59,680 --> 00:50:02,719
Speaker 1: my damn will talk about how many women send me

968
00:50:03,640 --> 00:50:08,440
Speaker 1: questions about their man like this, or men send me

969
00:50:08,560 --> 00:50:13,640
Speaker 1: questions my woman follows this person, And I'm like, gods,

970
00:50:13,719 --> 00:50:18,120
Speaker 1: social media was made to follow like in comment. If

971
00:50:18,160 --> 00:50:21,960
Speaker 1: you on social media, people are gonna follow like in comment.

972
00:50:22,360 --> 00:50:24,560
Speaker 1: And then they try to break down to me why

973
00:50:24,600 --> 00:50:27,920
Speaker 1: what their significant other is doing is wrong. And a

974
00:50:27,920 --> 00:50:30,879
Speaker 1: lot of times I'll be like, well do you do that? Yeah,

975
00:50:30,920 --> 00:50:35,759
Speaker 1: but it's different because now lost lost you lost me

976
00:50:36,800 --> 00:50:38,600
Speaker 1: because this is a this is a thing. This is

977
00:50:38,640 --> 00:50:41,440
Speaker 1: a current thing. Men don't like when their women follow

978
00:50:41,520 --> 00:50:44,880
Speaker 1: other men on social media. I've noticed that like that

979
00:50:44,920 --> 00:50:47,120
Speaker 1: has been a recurrent thing from like men asking me

980
00:50:47,640 --> 00:50:54,040
Speaker 1: and women don't like when they're men likes other people's stuff. Sure,

981
00:50:54,080 --> 00:50:55,520
Speaker 1: And this is the point that where I could scroll

982
00:50:55,560 --> 00:50:57,760
Speaker 1: through Instagram and we may follow some of like similar

983
00:50:57,800 --> 00:51:00,920
Speaker 1: people and there'll be females beautiful female else and I'd

984
00:51:00,920 --> 00:51:02,640
Speaker 1: be like, oh, devout like the picture. But it never

985
00:51:02,719 --> 00:51:05,399
Speaker 1: crossed my mind, like oh why the devout like such

986
00:51:05,400 --> 00:51:08,200
Speaker 1: and such a picture. Usually I'd be like, yep, I

987
00:51:08,280 --> 00:51:10,319
Speaker 1: like it too, well, first, this is the first thing.

988
00:51:10,360 --> 00:51:11,960
Speaker 1: First of all, I won't like booty picks, and the

989
00:51:11,960 --> 00:51:13,799
Speaker 1: reason why I want like bootypicks don't even be because

990
00:51:13,800 --> 00:51:16,439
Speaker 1: of you. I don't want anyone else seeing my name

991
00:51:16,520 --> 00:51:19,359
Speaker 1: on the booty pick and think that that's what I'm waring.

992
00:51:19,719 --> 00:51:21,720
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying that I won't. I won't

993
00:51:21,760 --> 00:51:23,440
Speaker 1: do that. So I won't like a booty pick. But

994
00:51:23,480 --> 00:51:24,839
Speaker 1: if I see if it's a girl that we know,

995
00:51:25,160 --> 00:51:27,360
Speaker 1: for example, we know through social media that we've worked

996
00:51:27,400 --> 00:51:29,200
Speaker 1: with and she's attractive and she posted a nice picture,

997
00:51:29,239 --> 00:51:31,560
Speaker 1: I like it because my homegirl, my cast mates. I

998
00:51:31,560 --> 00:51:34,520
Speaker 1: have beautiful cast mates. They post a picture, I'm gonna

999
00:51:34,520 --> 00:51:37,160
Speaker 1: like it, you know what I'm saying. But um, I

1000
00:51:37,200 --> 00:51:40,160
Speaker 1: also have respect for my marriage. Not so much my

1001
00:51:40,320 --> 00:51:42,160
Speaker 1: fear that my wife is gonna be upset at my life.

1002
00:51:42,200 --> 00:51:44,879
Speaker 1: I respect for my marriage. If someone sees I am

1003
00:51:44,920 --> 00:51:48,360
Speaker 1: devou like a picture of a chick naked doing a split,

1004
00:51:48,880 --> 00:51:51,359
Speaker 1: that could be seen as disrespectful, and I don't even

1005
00:51:51,400 --> 00:51:52,960
Speaker 1: want to put that out there for someone else to

1006
00:51:53,040 --> 00:51:56,040
Speaker 1: create a wrong idea of who I am. So I

1007
00:51:56,080 --> 00:51:58,320
Speaker 1: do that for myself. I don't even do that because

1008
00:51:58,320 --> 00:52:00,200
Speaker 1: my wife is insecure. I do that for my so

1009
00:52:00,600 --> 00:52:03,440
Speaker 1: I don't want people looking at me like I'm a creep,

1010
00:52:03,440 --> 00:52:05,719
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. But I've never, at any

1011
00:52:05,760 --> 00:52:08,960
Speaker 1: point in social media felt like if I don't do

1012
00:52:09,000 --> 00:52:10,960
Speaker 1: this or I post this, well enough, can you may

1013
00:52:11,040 --> 00:52:13,840
Speaker 1: break up with me? Like that's never been definitely not.

1014
00:52:13,920 --> 00:52:17,759
Speaker 1: I think so far past that you've never You've never

1015
00:52:17,800 --> 00:52:20,680
Speaker 1: put that, that's never been a thing. That's just that's

1016
00:52:20,719 --> 00:52:23,400
Speaker 1: just not a battle that we have. UM know, we

1017
00:52:23,520 --> 00:52:26,239
Speaker 1: use social media, we don't let it use us. And

1018
00:52:26,280 --> 00:52:28,440
Speaker 1: I implore people to do the same thing. Understand that

1019
00:52:28,520 --> 00:52:31,520
Speaker 1: social media as a tool, like stop making real life

1020
00:52:31,520 --> 00:52:34,319
Speaker 1: decisions based on what happens on social media, please, And

1021
00:52:34,360 --> 00:52:37,839
Speaker 1: that's what your your job, that's what your your relationships

1022
00:52:37,840 --> 00:52:40,480
Speaker 1: with your family, your friends, and definitely your significant others.

1023
00:52:40,760 --> 00:52:43,800
Speaker 1: That's all we have for today. That went by fast.

1024
00:52:43,840 --> 00:52:46,400
Speaker 1: That went by fast. Guys. We'll keep writing in you know,

1025
00:52:46,480 --> 00:52:48,520
Speaker 1: we'd love to hear from y'all and all that good stuff.

1026
00:52:48,520 --> 00:52:50,960
Speaker 1: But before we do anything, UM, do you have a

1027
00:52:50,960 --> 00:52:52,719
Speaker 1: moment of truth that sums anything up here? I mean,

1028
00:52:52,760 --> 00:52:54,560
Speaker 1: we had so many different topics that we were talking

1029
00:52:54,560 --> 00:52:57,680
Speaker 1: about today, um or any kind of any words that

1030
00:52:57,760 --> 00:53:00,480
Speaker 1: you'd like to say to our listeners when of truth,

1031
00:53:00,640 --> 00:53:05,919
Speaker 1: very very simple of the issues that happen in relationships

1032
00:53:05,920 --> 00:53:10,759
Speaker 1: can be solved with adequate communication. Period learn how to

1033
00:53:10,800 --> 00:53:15,000
Speaker 1: communicate and converse and listen, not only get your point across,

1034
00:53:15,040 --> 00:53:18,200
Speaker 1: but listen, and the problems can be solved. The reason

1035
00:53:18,239 --> 00:53:19,920
Speaker 1: why I say that is because there's that one percent

1036
00:53:19,920 --> 00:53:22,440
Speaker 1: of people that just ghost people, and you're just like,

1037
00:53:22,520 --> 00:53:27,720
Speaker 1: I can't there's nothing that there's no conversation that where

1038
00:53:27,719 --> 00:53:30,640
Speaker 1: are you? I'm thinking too, like where's wildo? And it's

1039
00:53:30,640 --> 00:53:32,719
Speaker 1: like you're looking on the map, like where do you go?

1040
00:53:32,760 --> 00:53:36,600
Speaker 1: Where do you go? Is camouflage? Somewhere you go? Is

1041
00:53:36,640 --> 00:53:39,120
Speaker 1: what we want to know. Please let us know if

1042
00:53:39,120 --> 00:53:42,040
Speaker 1: you find him, since like honestly, send the update so

1043
00:53:42,080 --> 00:53:44,799
Speaker 1: we can just at least know, like what transpired. My

1044
00:53:44,840 --> 00:53:47,759
Speaker 1: moment of truth today is I just love y'all. Like

1045
00:53:47,800 --> 00:53:51,239
Speaker 1: I feel like I need to say thank you to

1046
00:53:51,360 --> 00:53:56,240
Speaker 1: everyone who subscribes to the podcast, who listens, who shares

1047
00:53:56,280 --> 00:53:59,040
Speaker 1: with their friends, who you know, puts a clip in

1048
00:53:59,080 --> 00:54:01,080
Speaker 1: their group chat with the girls and their guys, Like

1049
00:54:01,680 --> 00:54:03,400
Speaker 1: I feel like we don't often get a chance to

1050
00:54:03,440 --> 00:54:07,520
Speaker 1: really just thank you all for the love and the

1051
00:54:07,600 --> 00:54:12,080
Speaker 1: support and the positive vibes and rooting for us like

1052
00:54:12,120 --> 00:54:16,480
Speaker 1: I've never seen a group of strangers. I would say,

1053
00:54:16,520 --> 00:54:18,880
Speaker 1: because we don't know you all personally, but strangers really

1054
00:54:18,960 --> 00:54:21,759
Speaker 1: root for us the way so many of you do.

1055
00:54:22,120 --> 00:54:25,160
Speaker 1: So thank you. That's that's just my moment of truth today.

1056
00:54:25,560 --> 00:54:28,239
Speaker 1: You are the reason why we're able to have this podcast,

1057
00:54:28,920 --> 00:54:31,480
Speaker 1: which we enjoy so much. We love to do us

1058
00:54:31,480 --> 00:54:35,840
Speaker 1: in our team. UM So, just thank you, guys, thank you.

1059
00:54:35,920 --> 00:54:39,960
Speaker 1: Nothing profound to say other than just thank you. I

1060
00:54:40,000 --> 00:54:44,520
Speaker 1: gotta say that that was definitely well well thought out

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00:54:44,560 --> 00:54:48,320
Speaker 1: and needed. Thank you pig to say, thank you, you'll dope,

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00:54:48,640 --> 00:54:53,360
Speaker 1: We love y'all. We appreciate you, and be sure to

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Speaker 1: find us on social media at dead as the Podcast.

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Speaker 1: Of course, this is Becaudine I am and am devout

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Speaker 1: review and subscribe and keep writing in listening letters y'all.

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00:55:07,680 --> 00:55:09,520
Speaker 1: Then ask advice at gmail dot com. Do we give

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Speaker 1: them that? Oh D E A D A S S

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Speaker 1: A D V I C E at gmail dot com.

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Speaker 1: Letters in we'd love to hear from y'all. Thank you

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Speaker 1: so much, Dead as Dead Ass is a production of

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00:55:22,360 --> 00:55:25,640
Speaker 1: I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by Dinorapinia

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Speaker 1: and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead

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Speaker 1: as to podcasts and Never Miss a Thing