Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to
Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
Speaker 1: Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with
Speaker 1: I Heart Radio. I did a show about some of
Speaker 1: the nuances of parenting an adult child and how the
Speaker 1: parent child relationships ships and change and heels and grows,
Speaker 1: and what we parents can get out of it and
Speaker 1: what the children may need. Well. As mothers, we make
Speaker 1: our sons our emotional husbands and we expect them to
Speaker 1: fill us in ways that is not their job to
Speaker 1: do so. Very often, as mothers we make our sons
Speaker 1: are emotional prisoners, and we manipulate them into being and
Speaker 1: doing what we need in order to feel fulfilled. If
Speaker 1: you need to forgive yourself, just do it and be
Speaker 1: open and willing to have your relationship with your adult
Speaker 1: son healed and transformed. We need to talk about it today.
Speaker 1: Thank you for your patience and welcome to the Our Spot.
Speaker 1: How can I serve aces support you today? Thank you
Speaker 1: for having me on um. I was falling in because
Speaker 1: I am at my wits end with the relationship dynamic
Speaker 1: with my mother. It has been struggling for a while,
Speaker 1: but it has intensified over the last seven years since
Speaker 1: the passing of my father. Tell me, what is the
Speaker 1: crux of the issue with your mom? What does what
Speaker 1: does that look like? What's happening, what's going on? I
Speaker 1: don't have the respect of my mother as an adult,
Speaker 1: as a man. She is for me, it still comes
Speaker 1: off and feels like she still has some raising to do.
Speaker 1: She still has some uh monitoring and checking and giving
Speaker 1: instruction slash correction or under correction under the guise of
Speaker 1: instruction or suggestions. She is not accepting or supportive of
Speaker 1: my sexuality. I've told her that I'm bisexual. She's been
Speaker 1: unable to disconnect that from any other issue. So, for her,
Speaker 1: the crux of the issue is my sexuality, whereas for me,
Speaker 1: it's that is has nothing to do with anything. For me,
Speaker 1: it's more so just a respect as an adult. You
Speaker 1: articulated that really, really clearly. My mother doesn't respect me
Speaker 1: as a man, and my mother is not at peace
Speaker 1: with my sexuality. Why is your sexuality your mother's business?
Speaker 1: In my opinion, that savilion dollar questions, because it is
Speaker 1: not in according to her, it is how does she
Speaker 1: challenge your bisexuality? What does she do? What is she saying?
Speaker 1: It's from the religious perspective, So for on the Bible
Speaker 1: versus um the repercussions, Uh, you know, telling me all
Speaker 1: of the risk and diseases and all of the wonderfulness
Speaker 1: that can come from risky behavior. I love that, you know,
Speaker 1: that's my word, wonderfulness. Well, it is driven by the
Speaker 1: religious perspective, coupled with what she had in mind how
Speaker 1: my life should play out. So she wants a grandchild,
Speaker 1: she wants the mother daughter, she wants the mother in law.
Speaker 1: So that's how it comes off. And as how it ah, Yeah,
Speaker 1: the sharp edges of Christianity, the sharp edges of religion
Speaker 1: will cut us to death. Why did you choose to
Speaker 1: tell your mother that you were bisexual? What? What drove that?
Speaker 1: What was your intention? She has had decisions, you know,
Speaker 1: in in addition to her being nosy, motherly, all of
Speaker 1: the above. That's so I told her that because he
Speaker 1: it was just in the moment of being honest and
Speaker 1: truthful with her um and not holding it a anymore.
Speaker 1: But it ultimately felt like I never did, because it's
Speaker 1: still been an argument back and forth forward, going on
Speaker 1: over team the years. There's a couple of realities that I,
Speaker 1: as a mother, would like to share with you, and
Speaker 1: I ask your forgiveness on behalf of all mothers. Okay,
Speaker 1: I ask your forgiveness or they have a your mother
Speaker 1: and all mothers, all right, But as a mother, grandmother,
Speaker 1: great grandmother, I want to share a few things with you. Okay. Uh.
Speaker 1: You have disappointed her, Not because you meant to, not
Speaker 1: because you intended to, not because it was your job
Speaker 1: to live up to what she thought you should be.
Speaker 1: But you have disappointed her as a mother. You have
Speaker 1: disappointed her because as a mother, there's a chip in
Speaker 1: our hard drive that says, anything that's wrong with my
Speaker 1: children is my fault. So if the sharp edge of
Speaker 1: religion is cutting her to believe that my son man
Speaker 1: should get married, have children, make me a grandmother and
Speaker 1: you're not moving in that direction, she's disappointed. You have
Speaker 1: disappointed your mother. Take a breath on behalf of all mothers,
Speaker 1: your mother and all mothers. I forgive us. You have
Speaker 1: not become um who she wanted you to be, not
Speaker 1: that it was your job to become who she wanted
Speaker 1: you to be. But in the mother's consciousness and the
Speaker 1: mother's makeup and the mother's being, there's a hard drive
Speaker 1: that says, I know better for my children than they do,
Speaker 1: and my children, if they live up to what I
Speaker 1: think they should be, then I have succeeded as a mother.
Speaker 1: Shouldn't be that way, But it is. So. You are
Speaker 1: not who she wanted you to be. Take a braath
Speaker 1: on behalf of all mother's, your mother and every other mother.
Speaker 1: I ask your forgiveness because you do not live up
Speaker 1: to her expectations and provide her with the validation, the
Speaker 1: external validation she needs in the world as a woman,
Speaker 1: as a mother, or as a Christian. So not only
Speaker 1: have you disappointed her, not only are you not who
Speaker 1: she wants you to be, not only are you shaming
Speaker 1: her in the public. Uh huh. You talk about it
Speaker 1: like it's okay. I just want you to understand that
Speaker 1: because this really isn't about her, It's really about you. Yes,
Speaker 1: and forgiveness is your ticket. You say, my mother doesn't
Speaker 1: respect me as a man, because and what I'm hearing
Speaker 1: here is you having created clear boundaries with her. I've attempted,
Speaker 1: but what's the consequence when she violates the boundary? There
Speaker 1: hasn't been one, and um ahh yeah, yeah, so there
Speaker 1: hasn't been a consequence. And then secondly, since my dad's
Speaker 1: past thing, since we have grown even more deeply envessed,
Speaker 1: and I shared it with her that we that we
Speaker 1: kind of teated the line of investment and emotional interests
Speaker 1: because on one side of the border, it's my mama
Speaker 1: and honor our mother and our father, that side of it,
Speaker 1: and the flip side of it I'm being discussed with,
Speaker 1: you know, whether it's some kind of emotional hartship she's
Speaker 1: having with maybe someone she might be potentially dating, or
Speaker 1: just something personal with her. So it's it's the flip
Speaker 1: side coined up being mom and then wanting to be friends.
Speaker 1: And for me it's I'm aware of it, and but
Speaker 1: there's still no respect there. Okay, so what do you
Speaker 1: want to do? So ultimately, I have been preparing myself
Speaker 1: really stuck the last six or seven weeks to take
Speaker 1: some time apart from her, like to disconnect because we
Speaker 1: are into different states and two different CDs. But she
Speaker 1: has this thing where we need to talk to every
Speaker 1: day and she does it under the guise of anything
Speaker 1: could happen at any moment, but you participate in that.
Speaker 1: Do you want to talk to you a grown ass man?
Speaker 1: Do you want to talk to your mama every day?
Speaker 1: I don't. Okay, Well why did you do it? Why
Speaker 1: do you do it to satisfy her? And we'll talk
Speaker 1: about that when we come back. Welcome back to the
Speaker 1: our spot today. We are talking about growing into forgiveness
Speaker 1: with your mother. Here's the thing. Daddy died. You're the son,
Speaker 1: so you have to be father husband. You have to
Speaker 1: step in to fill her husband's role. You made that
Speaker 1: up that you don't have to do that. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: know I don't have people. That's what That's what I've done. Yeah.
Speaker 1: So what I can offer you if you want to
Speaker 1: be respected as a man, h then you have to
Speaker 1: stand up like a man. Take off your knickers and
Speaker 1: your baseball cap, put on your suit and your tie,
Speaker 1: your belt and your shiny wing tip shoes and oh,
Speaker 1: your mother, what a man looks like in your body?
Speaker 1: You want to be respectful and you want to honor her,
Speaker 1: and and you want to keep the relationship in time.
Speaker 1: Because I'm hearing that your relationship with your mother. Is
Speaker 1: an important relationship in your life? Is that accurate? It's
Speaker 1: definitely important. One, it feels like a chore, and I
Speaker 1: don't want it to feel like it's a chore. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and then secondly, I have to I wanted to where
Speaker 1: I'm not suffering. Well, yeah, you have to eliminate your
Speaker 1: own suffering. But if she doesn't know what it looks
Speaker 1: like for you to be a man in your body,
Speaker 1: then she can't respect it. She she can't. She don't
Speaker 1: know what it looked like. So she's cocked, she's coed.
Speaker 1: She's looking at you, but she's seeing a little boy,
Speaker 1: and she's leaning on you, and she wants you to
Speaker 1: be a man when she's got a problem. But she
Speaker 1: you can't tell her what to do. And you okay,
Speaker 1: So you gotta put on your suit. You'll tie your
Speaker 1: belt and your wing tips shoes, and you've got to
Speaker 1: stand up. I love my son, Okay, he take a
Speaker 1: bullet from me. I take a bullet for him. We
Speaker 1: are friends. We are friends, and I don't talk to
Speaker 1: him every day. He lives seven minutes from me. He
Speaker 1: has to pass my house to go anywhere in the world.
Speaker 1: He has to he don't come here every day, And
Speaker 1: if he do come here every day, he I would
Speaker 1: what's the matter, what's the what's wrong? Why are you here?
Speaker 1: Because he usually comes home when he wants food or comfort.
Speaker 1: You know, he don't borrow money. But you know, so
Speaker 1: he put his suit and his tie and his wing
Speaker 1: tips shoes on a long time ago because I said
Speaker 1: to him, I'm gonna stop mothering you. What do you
Speaker 1: need me to do? He said, I need you to
Speaker 1: be my friend. And he taught me how by having
Speaker 1: clear boundaries. I can't call my son and ask him
Speaker 1: where he's going, what he's doing, and I have clear
Speaker 1: boundaries with him. You have a key to my house,
Speaker 1: but that don't mean you get to walk up in
Speaker 1: here anytime you want to. I could have somebody up
Speaker 1: in here and you can't be walking up in my house. Okay,
Speaker 1: So you've got to look at the things that cause
Speaker 1: your suffering and eliminate them. Having to talk to your
Speaker 1: mother every day causes you suffering. Eliminate them. Is listening
Speaker 1: to problems about her boyfriends or her girlfriends or whatever.
Speaker 1: If that causes you suffering, eliminate it. And it's just
Speaker 1: what we what I call radical communication. Mam, don't talk
Speaker 1: to me about your boyfriend. I just I don't want
Speaker 1: to hear it. Don't thump me with your bible, don't
Speaker 1: do that. I don't want to hear that. So a
Speaker 1: couple of things you've gotta be willing to. You've got
Speaker 1: to grow the muscleful. Let's start with the easy one. Mom.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna talk to you every day. I'm a
Speaker 1: grown man. That's how. That's what you want, right, I'm
Speaker 1: a grown man. I don't need to talk to my
Speaker 1: mother every day. If you've got a problem, an issue,
Speaker 1: a challenge, that's one thing. If I have a problem
Speaker 1: and issue a challenge, that's another thing. But I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna talk to you every day. Is that something that
Speaker 1: you are willing to communicate to her? I'm definitely willing.
Speaker 1: Are you ready when I say that to her and
Speaker 1: talk you every day? And then if then I get
Speaker 1: the manipulation and guilt, anything could happen. You see how
Speaker 1: your dad died. It could happen, and you know what,
Speaker 1: I'll deal with it when it does. Please forgive me.
Speaker 1: I'm asking for your forgiveness on behalf of all your
Speaker 1: mother and all mothers mothers can be emotionally manipulative. We
Speaker 1: can be emotional vampires, and we will suck your life
Speaker 1: right out your eyeballs. Now, most mothers are gonna tell
Speaker 1: you that, But I'm gonna tell you that because I've
Speaker 1: healed myself of the affliction a man. It's gonna stand
Speaker 1: up a man when he recognizes that he's being manipuls
Speaker 1: Let me ask you a question. Does your mama pay
Speaker 1: your rent? She doesn't, but she will contribute if I need. Okay,
Speaker 1: well that a man don't ask his mama for no rent,
Speaker 1: So you got to heal that up. You can't ask
Speaker 1: your mama for no rent. Now, if you need some
Speaker 1: money to help you go on your vacation, that's different.
Speaker 1: But a man handles his basics. So you can't act
Speaker 1: like a boy and expect her to see you as
Speaker 1: your man. I don't care if you got to borrow
Speaker 1: it from the hobo on the corner. Don't you never
Speaker 1: ask your mama for no more money to pay your rent?
Speaker 1: That is a contradiction. You can't act like a boy
Speaker 1: and expect her to see you as a man. So
Speaker 1: she don't pay your rent? Does she pick your partners
Speaker 1: for you? Suggestions. And when you she makes a suggestion
Speaker 1: of what do you say? I don't respond, you know,
Speaker 1: I just say no, no, no, no, no no. Would
Speaker 1: you let anybody in the street just say whatever they
Speaker 1: want to say to you? No, no, no, no. You
Speaker 1: don't have pearls. So let me just say this, I
Speaker 1: would say to a lady, clutch your pearls. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: say to you, clutch your crotch. Your mama can't see
Speaker 1: you as a man because you ain't acting like one.
Speaker 1: I know it's your mother, but she's a woman and
Speaker 1: you cannot expect more or less from her than you
Speaker 1: would from any other grown adult woman. You cannot. She's
Speaker 1: not a sacred coyle that you have to protect and preserve. Yes,
Speaker 1: you want to have a healthy, respectful relationship with her,
Speaker 1: but you also want a friend, an elder woman, a
Speaker 1: wise woman who respects your intellect, who respects your choices.
Speaker 1: She don't have to like them, but she respects that.
Speaker 1: She's got to be a soul off place for you
Speaker 1: to fall. Not when you go to her that she's
Speaker 1: gonna thump you on the head with the Bible and
Speaker 1: condemn you to hell. No, you have to be a
Speaker 1: man in order for her to respect you as a man.
Speaker 1: Can you hear me, beloved, You got to create some
Speaker 1: boundaries with her, because boundaries are not going to keep
Speaker 1: her out, Boundaries are gonna keep you safe. Yes, but
Speaker 1: I want you to That's why I was sharing with
Speaker 1: you what she's carrying in her consciousness, so that you
Speaker 1: will understand you've disappointed her because you're not who she
Speaker 1: wanted you to be, and you're not living up to
Speaker 1: her need for external validation. And none of that is
Speaker 1: your work. That's not your work. That's for her to
Speaker 1: figure out. You are a respectful adult man, the son
Speaker 1: of a woman who's disappointed and who needs external validation,
Speaker 1: but that you need some clear boundaries. So let's start
Speaker 1: with the simple thing. You make a commitment to yourself
Speaker 1: that you will never ask your mother for no more
Speaker 1: rent and get her out of the intricate details of
Speaker 1: your business. If you ain't gonna marry the person, don't
Speaker 1: take them over there to meet for right now. Don't
Speaker 1: tell her who you're dating. Don't talk to her about
Speaker 1: your dating problem, don't talk to her about your problems.
Speaker 1: Don't talk to don't not until she can be a friend.
Speaker 1: She can't be a friend right now, and some of
Speaker 1: those little behaviors, the little things. If it lands in
Speaker 1: your belly and it don't feel right, say MA, I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna do this with you anymore. Please forgive me.
Speaker 1: I know we've been doing this, but this no longer.
Speaker 1: This is causing me suffering. I don't want to hear
Speaker 1: about your boyfriend. Don't manipulate me with Bible verses. This
Speaker 1: is causing me suffering. And I'm telling giving you this
Speaker 1: language because I want you to give you a key
Speaker 1: to unlock her sense of alities. And I don't care
Speaker 1: what she says, Ma, it's causing me suffering. Don't manipulate
Speaker 1: me with scripture most different And if you do, I'm
Speaker 1: not going to talk to you. As soon as you
Speaker 1: start talking scripture to me, I'm gonna end the conversation.
Speaker 1: That's the consequence. And if she doesn't end the conversation,
Speaker 1: even if you then have to go in the bathroom
Speaker 1: and wretch and p or poop on yourself because you're
Speaker 1: scared the depth that you just hung up on your mother. Yes,
Speaker 1: my son has hung up on me, okay, and I
Speaker 1: and instead of getting mad at him, I said, Okay,
Speaker 1: what did you say? And when I checked myself, I said, Okay,
Speaker 1: you were totally out of live. I don't know how
Speaker 1: many mothers or sons are going to hear this, but
Speaker 1: I want to thank you for your courage and calling
Speaker 1: and being so transparent. You're saying no problem, no problem,
Speaker 1: because what I do know is that there are hundreds
Speaker 1: of thousands of mothers and hundreds and thousands of sons
Speaker 1: who need to hear this. And I appreciate that you
Speaker 1: were so respectful in your presentation that people will be
Speaker 1: able to hear this. So I thank you so much
Speaker 1: for your call today. Do write me, keep me in
Speaker 1: touch and what's going on? Okay, bye bye, On behalf
Speaker 1: of all mothers, of all sons everywhere, I forgive us
Speaker 1: for the chips in our hard drive that prevent, delay,
Speaker 1: obstruct or deny our capacity, ability and willingness to see, hold,
Speaker 1: and regard our sons as grown man. I forgive myself
Speaker 1: and on behalf of all mothers everywhere. I forgive us
Speaker 1: for needing our son to validate who we are as mothers. Now.
Speaker 1: I don't know if there's any mothers out there listening,
Speaker 1: but if you are, and you could get on this
Speaker 1: step with me. Clutch your pearls and simply say I
Speaker 1: forgive myself for my shortcomings that I projected onto my
Speaker 1: son and required that he be better, be more, be different,
Speaker 1: And that means that you got to get your stuff together.
Speaker 1: We'll be right back. Welcome back to the art Spot.
Speaker 1: I am ya La, and today we are talking about
Speaker 1: the parent child relationship in my next caller is dealing
Speaker 1: with just that. Good afternoon, beloving. I am so well,
Speaker 1: thank you for calling the art spot today. How can
Speaker 1: I support with you? So, I'm looking for support on
Speaker 1: how to exactly approach um this relationship with my mom. Um.
Speaker 1: I kind of feel like i'm more so well, let
Speaker 1: me say this, I feel like I've developed a mindset
Speaker 1: where I'm incapable of seeing exactly what a parent and
Speaker 1: child relationship is supposed to be, only because I feel
Speaker 1: like I've been through a lot of experiences where I
Speaker 1: had to be an adult for myself. I had to
Speaker 1: make adult decisions at young ages. I had to, you know,
Speaker 1: maneuver like an adult without having the parental guide. And
Speaker 1: my mom we butt heads a lot because my mom
Speaker 1: is this type of person like and she having a
Speaker 1: bad day she's gonna take it out on everybody else.
Speaker 1: And like, even before I was born, my family tells
Speaker 1: me a lot of stories about me and my sister,
Speaker 1: like a lot of stories of my mom just being
Speaker 1: very aggressive. Um, and she was like that with us
Speaker 1: even growing up, like a lot of physical abuse, Like
Speaker 1: you know, punch of eight year olds in the face
Speaker 1: because they're not listening isn't the best, you know, applicable
Speaker 1: appearance and style, but that's the that she chose and
Speaker 1: the actuality is just like I don't like my mom
Speaker 1: as a person. So it's just like we haven't spoken
Speaker 1: since twenty nineteen, and I just I just really don't
Speaker 1: know what to do. I don't know if this is
Speaker 1: a situation where I should just kind of leave it
Speaker 1: where it is and she has to develop and understand
Speaker 1: things or her own or what else can I try
Speaker 1: to do? Because I haven't lived with my parents since
Speaker 1: I was fourteen, Well, I haven't lived with my mom
Speaker 1: since I was fourteen either. What is the core? What
Speaker 1: is the crux of the breakdown between you and your mother?
Speaker 1: I heard you say she was physically and verbally abusive
Speaker 1: to you as a child. Well, what is the what
Speaker 1: is the thing that broke you all up in what
Speaker 1: was the final store for you. So I'm a senior
Speaker 1: in college now, and so in my junior year, UM,
Speaker 1: we were having a sexual assault firm and one of
Speaker 1: my friends spoke out in the forum and she said
Speaker 1: how she had been sexually assaulted and she finally told
Speaker 1: her mom, and that's who have brought them closer, like
Speaker 1: that was the groundbreaking thing for them. So I was like,
Speaker 1: so that really inspired me. So I was like, damn,
Speaker 1: Like I saw how that, you know, transformed their relationships
Speaker 1: and maybe you know, me expressing a little bit more
Speaker 1: of the things that really went on with me that
Speaker 1: she might not know about, you know, maybe that will
Speaker 1: figue or something. Right. No, I called my mom and like, hey,
Speaker 1: you know, I really want to talk to you and
Speaker 1: I really want to tell you something. And I had
Speaker 1: told her like I had been sexually assaulted, you know
Speaker 1: most of the plans when I was younger, and the
Speaker 1: first words all her mouth, well, first she asked me
Speaker 1: who it was when I told her like, it's not
Speaker 1: rathervant like I just don't want to disclose that right now,
Speaker 1: and she was like, did not ben as show dumbass this?
Speaker 1: And so I'm looking at my phone like is this
Speaker 1: really the response that you're gonna have? And so all
Speaker 1: I hung up. So my stepdad texting me, it was like,
Speaker 1: you need to apologize to your mom toall, and I
Speaker 1: was like, well, she has to understand, like the way
Speaker 1: that you're coming at me, Why why should I even
Speaker 1: feel like you disturb an apology after your person at
Speaker 1: me and yelling at me after I'm telling you something
Speaker 1: very vulnerablebout my vulnerable about myself. So um, I was
Speaker 1: going to my parents house to visit, and my mom
Speaker 1: like she as I was on the phone, like coming
Speaker 1: to North Carolina from Virginia, she was like to you're
Speaker 1: not part of this family. And I was literally bursting out,
Speaker 1: like crying, like hysperically crying. And that was the last show.
Speaker 1: That was the last time like I ever spoke to her.
Speaker 1: I was like, this is it all right? I can't
Speaker 1: take this no more. So you have not spoken to
Speaker 1: your mother since nineteen that's three years ago a little
Speaker 1: more than three years ago, and you're still in breakdown
Speaker 1: about your relationship with her. I think the thing that
Speaker 1: I find very interesting is you started this conversation by
Speaker 1: saying something about a parent child relationship. Yeah, what I
Speaker 1: want to offer you is that you can have a
Speaker 1: parent adult relationship. You are an adult, the child of
Speaker 1: your parents, but you are an adult, and as an
Speaker 1: adult you get to say what goes on in your life.
Speaker 1: And it sounds to me like you are still responding
Speaker 1: to your mother's behavior and your mother's speaking as if
Speaker 1: you were a child. Have you ever asked your mother
Speaker 1: in a humble, respectful way. Are you willing not to
Speaker 1: curse at me when we speak? Have you ever asked
Speaker 1: her that, unless I am a I don't even think
Speaker 1: that that is possible. Listen, I'm not asking you about
Speaker 1: her response to you. I'm asking you, as an adult,
Speaker 1: to say what goes on in your life, because it
Speaker 1: sounds to me like you're still responding to your mother
Speaker 1: as though you were a child. And as a child,
Speaker 1: there are things you don't say, that things you don't ask,
Speaker 1: there's things you don't do. But you're not a child.
Speaker 1: You're an adult, and as an adult you get to
Speaker 1: say what goes on in your life. Have you ever
Speaker 1: asked your mother not to curseen you or call you
Speaker 1: out your name when she's speaking to you? Okay, so
Speaker 1: that's what a child would do. But as an adult,
Speaker 1: you get to say, Okay, this is a person that
Speaker 1: I love and care about who's not willing to respect me.
Speaker 1: So I get to choose how to be in relationship
Speaker 1: with this person. I get to choose that I will.
Speaker 1: You're gonna have a relationship with her until one of
Speaker 1: you die. But you, as an adult, get to choose
Speaker 1: what that relationship is. And as an adult, you don't
Speaker 1: have to be in relationship with anybody that verbally abuses
Speaker 1: you unless you choose to. Is that what you choose? Oh? Okay,
Speaker 1: So I'd love for us to have communication to be
Speaker 1: in relationship, but I cannot be willing. I'm not choosing
Speaker 1: to be in relationship with somebody who doesn't respect me
Speaker 1: and cursing at me and calling me names that don't
Speaker 1: that's not respectful. Don't get caught up as an adult
Speaker 1: in her response. See you're caught up in her response.
Speaker 1: Could I say that to you? Suppose you called up
Speaker 1: here on the arts body and I said, f you
Speaker 1: what you're calling me for your stupid so and so?
Speaker 1: Would you did you call me back? Would you know?
Speaker 1: Here's something that many people, many adult children don't recognize
Speaker 1: there are no sacred cows. A cow is a cow
Speaker 1: is a cow. There are no sacred cows. I'm not
Speaker 1: calling your mother, Kyle. I'm just saying, you know, sometimes
Speaker 1: we we hold people in a sacred position and give
Speaker 1: them more prominence in our life than we would give
Speaker 1: anybody else. You are an adult, my love. It's clicking
Speaker 1: in my head and it definitely makes sense on Like
Speaker 1: I'm still responding as a kid because even sometimes, like
Speaker 1: when I listened to my mom, like even if she's not,
Speaker 1: you know, starting something with me or starting something with
Speaker 1: my dad step dad, because they're physically they have their
Speaker 1: own thing too. So it's like my mom, I see
Speaker 1: it and I understand it. Like my mom respond to
Speaker 1: things like an angry little kid. It's like she has
Speaker 1: a temper. Well, can I say this to you and
Speaker 1: hear me, hear me from a place of love and concern.
Speaker 1: How she responds is none of your business. She could
Speaker 1: be a mass murderer, lunatic running around naked, but when
Speaker 1: she comes to your house, she got to put on
Speaker 1: some clothes and behave nicely. I don't care you want
Speaker 1: to be a mass murderer. If the police don't find you.
Speaker 1: That's hey, that's on them. But when you come here,
Speaker 1: put some clothes on and don't put your feet up
Speaker 1: on my coffee table because I'm an adult, because it's
Speaker 1: my boundary. You have to see yourself not as a child,
Speaker 1: but as an adult in a respectful relationship with another
Speaker 1: adult who gave birth to you. But it's hard. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: so many of us don't know how to do that
Speaker 1: because we have so many wounds, unhealed wounds and unhealed
Speaker 1: breaks from our childhood. So we continue as a adults
Speaker 1: to try to get now what we didn't get then here.
Speaker 1: Back then, we couldn't leave home. Back then, we couldn't
Speaker 1: speak up. Back then, we couldn't ask for what we wanted.
Speaker 1: We were under their, the the big people's whatever. But
Speaker 1: now you're you're not under that anymore. So you gotta grow.
Speaker 1: You have to do for that little child inside of
Speaker 1: you what nobody did for you, which was draw boundaries,
Speaker 1: makes specific requests, and have consequences when the boundaries are violated.
Speaker 1: And I know that's your mom, that's your heart, but
Speaker 1: she's not sacred. Let me ask you this question, what
Speaker 1: would it take for you to be in healthy loving
Speaker 1: relationship with your mother right now? What do you think
Speaker 1: it would take her to therapy? Okay, but that's none
Speaker 1: of your business. You can't make your need to be
Speaker 1: in relationship with your mother contingent upon what she does.
Speaker 1: What do you need to do? What is required of
Speaker 1: you to be in healthy loving relationship with your mom
Speaker 1: just as she is right now? What is what would
Speaker 1: it take? I really don't know. Okay, Well that's what
Speaker 1: you gotta work on. Because three and a half years
Speaker 1: for you to not speak to somebody and you still
Speaker 1: got a question about it. See me, I'm a fan
Speaker 1: of the Dollar Tree, even though they're a dollar twenty five?
Speaker 1: Now do you like the dollar Tree? I love the
Speaker 1: Dollar Tree? So you know what I do? Sometimes I
Speaker 1: go to the Dollar Tree and I buy a bunch
Speaker 1: of cards, you know, birthday cards, I love you cards.
Speaker 1: I think about your cards. Sometimes they got nice cards,
Speaker 1: you know. And every now and then when I think
Speaker 1: about somebody that I'm not in a balance a harmony with,
Speaker 1: I just send him a card, a Dollar Tree card,
Speaker 1: thinking about you, and that's it, and that satisfies me.
Speaker 1: So I'm making a step. I'm doing something I want
Speaker 1: to be in relationship. I don't want to call you.
Speaker 1: I don't want to give you the opportunity to cuss
Speaker 1: at me. I don't want to do any of that.
Speaker 1: But I want you to know I love you. And
Speaker 1: I think about here's a dollar Tree card now that
Speaker 1: they don't know it comes from the Dollar Tree, because
Speaker 1: sometimes the Dollar Tree cards are really nice, you know.
Speaker 1: And when I think about some of the things that
Speaker 1: they done, that we've done, or they've said, or things
Speaker 1: that have happened between them, in my mind, I just said,
Speaker 1: I forgive you totally and unconditionally, and all things are
Speaker 1: healed between us. Now. That's what I say to myself.
Speaker 1: Because you can't bank what you need on what she does. Yeah,
Speaker 1: she may never change. That doesn't mean you can't have good,
Speaker 1: healthy relationship with her in your heart and in your mind.
Speaker 1: I send her card. I sent her five cards a year.
Speaker 1: I send her birthday card, I send her mother to
Speaker 1: Day card. I don't have to pick up the phone
Speaker 1: and call her because I'm not willing to run the
Speaker 1: risk that she's not gonna cuss me, hurt me, dishonored me,
Speaker 1: disrespect me. But I'm still in relationship with her in
Speaker 1: my heart, and mind. Go to the Dollar Tree, and
Speaker 1: when those things come up, that you remember I forgive
Speaker 1: my mother totally and unconditionally for everything. All things are
Speaker 1: healed between us now. And this is what I'm a
Speaker 1: guarantee you. You do that sincerely. One day she's gonna
Speaker 1: pick up the phone and call you, and you're gonna
Speaker 1: look at the phone and say, damn, is this the
Speaker 1: same person? But you've got to do that as an adult,
Speaker 1: not as a child. Go to the Dollar Tree. That's
Speaker 1: your prescription. Drink water, mind your business. Go to the
Speaker 1: Dollar Tree. Build your relationship with her in your heart,
Speaker 1: regardless of what she does. Okay, yeah, you are not
Speaker 1: for a while. You are not call me in six weeks.
Speaker 1: Let me know how you're doing. Okay, okay, my love,
Speaker 1: thank you for calling. Thank you, bye bye. Where where
Speaker 1: we're in our teaching, our our education, Where in our
Speaker 1: training are conditioning, our programming as human beings, are we
Speaker 1: taught how to move through some of the challenges that
Speaker 1: we face in life. We're not not in our relationships,
Speaker 1: not in our churches. So whether you're with the person,
Speaker 1: see the person, or engage with the person, you still
Speaker 1: have to heal the breakdown and you don't have to
Speaker 1: be in their presence or say anything harmful. Just thinking
Speaker 1: about it keeps the breakdown going. Oh well, well, well
Speaker 1: another episode of The Our Spot. I'm going now somewhere
Speaker 1: to drink brown look out the bottle because as a mother,
Speaker 1: that just triggered up all my stuff because now I've
Speaker 1: got grandsons, so how I treat my son is so
Speaker 1: very important because his son's are watching. I hope you've
Speaker 1: heard or learned something today that you needed in your life.
Speaker 1: And if you didn't, be sure to tune in next
Speaker 1: week because I'll have more for you. In the meantime,
Speaker 1: Stay in peace and not pieces. I'll see you next time.
Speaker 1: The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in
Speaker 1: partnership with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio,
Speaker 1: visit the I Heart Radio Apple Apple podcast, or wherever
Speaker 1: you listen to your favorite shows.