1 00:00:02,400 --> 00:00:05,600 Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. 2 00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:08,559 Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man. 3 00:00:09,119 --> 00:00:13,000 Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to 4 00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:17,759 Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the 5 00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:22,120 Speaker 1: Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with 6 00:00:22,239 --> 00:00:37,640 Speaker 1: I Heart Radio. I did a show about some of 7 00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:43,199 Speaker 1: the nuances of parenting an adult child and how the 8 00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:47,720 Speaker 1: parent child relationships ships and change and heels and grows, 9 00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:51,519 Speaker 1: and what we parents can get out of it and 10 00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:55,720 Speaker 1: what the children may need. Well. As mothers, we make 11 00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:59,760 Speaker 1: our sons our emotional husbands and we expect them to 12 00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:03,120 Speaker 1: fill us in ways that is not their job to 13 00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:07,360 Speaker 1: do so. Very often, as mothers we make our sons 14 00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:15,160 Speaker 1: are emotional prisoners, and we manipulate them into being and 15 00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:19,679 Speaker 1: doing what we need in order to feel fulfilled. If 16 00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:22,319 Speaker 1: you need to forgive yourself, just do it and be 17 00:01:22,480 --> 00:01:26,679 Speaker 1: open and willing to have your relationship with your adult 18 00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:32,319 Speaker 1: son healed and transformed. We need to talk about it today. 19 00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:37,200 Speaker 1: Thank you for your patience and welcome to the Our Spot. 20 00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:41,600 Speaker 1: How can I serve aces support you today? Thank you 21 00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:45,640 Speaker 1: for having me on um. I was falling in because 22 00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:50,960 Speaker 1: I am at my wits end with the relationship dynamic 23 00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:53,800 Speaker 1: with my mother. It has been struggling for a while, 24 00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:57,400 Speaker 1: but it has intensified over the last seven years since 25 00:01:57,440 --> 00:02:00,080 Speaker 1: the passing of my father. Tell me, what is the 26 00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:03,240 Speaker 1: crux of the issue with your mom? What does what 27 00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:06,680 Speaker 1: does that look like? What's happening, what's going on? I 28 00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:09,040 Speaker 1: don't have the respect of my mother as an adult, 29 00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:12,640 Speaker 1: as a man. She is for me, it still comes 30 00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:15,920 Speaker 1: off and feels like she still has some raising to do. 31 00:02:16,240 --> 00:02:22,600 Speaker 1: She still has some uh monitoring and checking and giving 32 00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:27,920 Speaker 1: instruction slash correction or under correction under the guise of 33 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:33,200 Speaker 1: instruction or suggestions. She is not accepting or supportive of 34 00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:38,600 Speaker 1: my sexuality. I've told her that I'm bisexual. She's been 35 00:02:38,720 --> 00:02:41,960 Speaker 1: unable to disconnect that from any other issue. So, for her, 36 00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:45,720 Speaker 1: the crux of the issue is my sexuality, whereas for me, 37 00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:48,600 Speaker 1: it's that is has nothing to do with anything. For me, 38 00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:52,240 Speaker 1: it's more so just a respect as an adult. You 39 00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:57,639 Speaker 1: articulated that really, really clearly. My mother doesn't respect me 40 00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:02,960 Speaker 1: as a man, and my mother is not at peace 41 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:08,400 Speaker 1: with my sexuality. Why is your sexuality your mother's business? 42 00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:14,040 Speaker 1: In my opinion, that savilion dollar questions, because it is 43 00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:17,200 Speaker 1: not in according to her, it is how does she 44 00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:20,959 Speaker 1: challenge your bisexuality? What does she do? What is she saying? 45 00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:25,040 Speaker 1: It's from the religious perspective, So for on the Bible 46 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:29,799 Speaker 1: versus um the repercussions, Uh, you know, telling me all 47 00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:34,519 Speaker 1: of the risk and diseases and all of the wonderfulness 48 00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:40,480 Speaker 1: that can come from risky behavior. I love that, you know, 49 00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:46,200 Speaker 1: that's my word, wonderfulness. Well, it is driven by the 50 00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:51,080 Speaker 1: religious perspective, coupled with what she had in mind how 51 00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:54,920 Speaker 1: my life should play out. So she wants a grandchild, 52 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:57,960 Speaker 1: she wants the mother daughter, she wants the mother in law. 53 00:03:58,360 --> 00:04:02,960 Speaker 1: So that's how it comes off. And as how it ah, Yeah, 54 00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:07,920 Speaker 1: the sharp edges of Christianity, the sharp edges of religion 55 00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:12,160 Speaker 1: will cut us to death. Why did you choose to 56 00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:16,919 Speaker 1: tell your mother that you were bisexual? What? What drove that? 57 00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:21,000 Speaker 1: What was your intention? She has had decisions, you know, 58 00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:25,279 Speaker 1: in in addition to her being nosy, motherly, all of 59 00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:28,880 Speaker 1: the above. That's so I told her that because he 60 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:31,120 Speaker 1: it was just in the moment of being honest and 61 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:34,880 Speaker 1: truthful with her um and not holding it a anymore. 62 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:40,000 Speaker 1: But it ultimately felt like I never did, because it's 63 00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:43,800 Speaker 1: still been an argument back and forth forward, going on 64 00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:47,560 Speaker 1: over team the years. There's a couple of realities that I, 65 00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:51,560 Speaker 1: as a mother, would like to share with you, and 66 00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:57,599 Speaker 1: I ask your forgiveness on behalf of all mothers. Okay, 67 00:04:57,839 --> 00:05:00,560 Speaker 1: I ask your forgiveness or they have a your mother 68 00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:04,040 Speaker 1: and all mothers, all right, But as a mother, grandmother, 69 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:09,159 Speaker 1: great grandmother, I want to share a few things with you. Okay. Uh. 70 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:13,680 Speaker 1: You have disappointed her, Not because you meant to, not 71 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:17,039 Speaker 1: because you intended to, not because it was your job 72 00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:19,479 Speaker 1: to live up to what she thought you should be. 73 00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:22,760 Speaker 1: But you have disappointed her as a mother. You have 74 00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:27,320 Speaker 1: disappointed her because as a mother, there's a chip in 75 00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:31,000 Speaker 1: our hard drive that says, anything that's wrong with my 76 00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:35,440 Speaker 1: children is my fault. So if the sharp edge of 77 00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:40,159 Speaker 1: religion is cutting her to believe that my son man 78 00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:44,240 Speaker 1: should get married, have children, make me a grandmother and 79 00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:48,359 Speaker 1: you're not moving in that direction, she's disappointed. You have 80 00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:54,440 Speaker 1: disappointed your mother. Take a breath on behalf of all mothers, 81 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:58,839 Speaker 1: your mother and all mothers. I forgive us. You have 82 00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:01,800 Speaker 1: not become um who she wanted you to be, not 83 00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:04,839 Speaker 1: that it was your job to become who she wanted 84 00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:08,080 Speaker 1: you to be. But in the mother's consciousness and the 85 00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:11,159 Speaker 1: mother's makeup and the mother's being, there's a hard drive 86 00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:16,080 Speaker 1: that says, I know better for my children than they do, 87 00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:20,680 Speaker 1: and my children, if they live up to what I 88 00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:24,080 Speaker 1: think they should be, then I have succeeded as a mother. 89 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:26,600 Speaker 1: Shouldn't be that way, But it is. So. You are 90 00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:29,239 Speaker 1: not who she wanted you to be. Take a braath 91 00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:36,640 Speaker 1: on behalf of all mother's, your mother and every other mother. 92 00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:42,480 Speaker 1: I ask your forgiveness because you do not live up 93 00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:48,599 Speaker 1: to her expectations and provide her with the validation, the 94 00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:51,679 Speaker 1: external validation she needs in the world as a woman, 95 00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:55,359 Speaker 1: as a mother, or as a Christian. So not only 96 00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:58,520 Speaker 1: have you disappointed her, not only are you not who 97 00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:01,560 Speaker 1: she wants you to be, not only are you shaming 98 00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:05,440 Speaker 1: her in the public. Uh huh. You talk about it 99 00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:11,320 Speaker 1: like it's okay. I just want you to understand that 100 00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:17,720 Speaker 1: because this really isn't about her, It's really about you. Yes, 101 00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:21,600 Speaker 1: and forgiveness is your ticket. You say, my mother doesn't 102 00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:26,760 Speaker 1: respect me as a man, because and what I'm hearing 103 00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:31,000 Speaker 1: here is you having created clear boundaries with her. I've attempted, 104 00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:36,560 Speaker 1: but what's the consequence when she violates the boundary? There 105 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:40,920 Speaker 1: hasn't been one, and um ahh yeah, yeah, so there 106 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:44,800 Speaker 1: hasn't been a consequence. And then secondly, since my dad's 107 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:51,040 Speaker 1: past thing, since we have grown even more deeply envessed, 108 00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:54,200 Speaker 1: and I shared it with her that we that we 109 00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:57,440 Speaker 1: kind of teated the line of investment and emotional interests 110 00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:01,480 Speaker 1: because on one side of the border, it's my mama 111 00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:04,920 Speaker 1: and honor our mother and our father, that side of it, 112 00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:10,600 Speaker 1: and the flip side of it I'm being discussed with, 113 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:13,920 Speaker 1: you know, whether it's some kind of emotional hartship she's 114 00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:17,320 Speaker 1: having with maybe someone she might be potentially dating, or 115 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:21,320 Speaker 1: just something personal with her. So it's it's the flip 116 00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:24,280 Speaker 1: side coined up being mom and then wanting to be friends. 117 00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:28,679 Speaker 1: And for me it's I'm aware of it, and but 118 00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:31,840 Speaker 1: there's still no respect there. Okay, so what do you 119 00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:35,960 Speaker 1: want to do? So ultimately, I have been preparing myself 120 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:40,040 Speaker 1: really stuck the last six or seven weeks to take 121 00:08:40,080 --> 00:08:43,440 Speaker 1: some time apart from her, like to disconnect because we 122 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:46,800 Speaker 1: are into different states and two different CDs. But she 123 00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:48,680 Speaker 1: has this thing where we need to talk to every 124 00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:51,720 Speaker 1: day and she does it under the guise of anything 125 00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:54,640 Speaker 1: could happen at any moment, but you participate in that. 126 00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:57,280 Speaker 1: Do you want to talk to you a grown ass man? 127 00:08:57,600 --> 00:08:59,400 Speaker 1: Do you want to talk to your mama every day? 128 00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:04,240 Speaker 1: I don't. Okay, Well why did you do it? Why 129 00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:08,400 Speaker 1: do you do it to satisfy her? And we'll talk 130 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:17,800 Speaker 1: about that when we come back. Welcome back to the 131 00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:22,439 Speaker 1: our spot today. We are talking about growing into forgiveness 132 00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:27,200 Speaker 1: with your mother. Here's the thing. Daddy died. You're the son, 133 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:31,920 Speaker 1: so you have to be father husband. You have to 134 00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:35,280 Speaker 1: step in to fill her husband's role. You made that 135 00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:37,760 Speaker 1: up that you don't have to do that. Yeah, I 136 00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:40,320 Speaker 1: know I don't have people. That's what That's what I've done. Yeah. 137 00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:44,480 Speaker 1: So what I can offer you if you want to 138 00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:49,120 Speaker 1: be respected as a man, h then you have to 139 00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:53,640 Speaker 1: stand up like a man. Take off your knickers and 140 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:56,480 Speaker 1: your baseball cap, put on your suit and your tie, 141 00:09:56,559 --> 00:10:00,080 Speaker 1: your belt and your shiny wing tip shoes and oh, 142 00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:02,840 Speaker 1: your mother, what a man looks like in your body? 143 00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:06,479 Speaker 1: You want to be respectful and you want to honor her, 144 00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:11,120 Speaker 1: and and you want to keep the relationship in time. 145 00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:15,439 Speaker 1: Because I'm hearing that your relationship with your mother. Is 146 00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:18,440 Speaker 1: an important relationship in your life? Is that accurate? It's 147 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:21,560 Speaker 1: definitely important. One, it feels like a chore, and I 148 00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:25,560 Speaker 1: don't want it to feel like it's a chore. Yeah, 149 00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:29,160 Speaker 1: and then secondly, I have to I wanted to where 150 00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:32,720 Speaker 1: I'm not suffering. Well, yeah, you have to eliminate your 151 00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:37,640 Speaker 1: own suffering. But if she doesn't know what it looks 152 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:41,480 Speaker 1: like for you to be a man in your body, 153 00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:45,480 Speaker 1: then she can't respect it. She she can't. She don't 154 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:52,560 Speaker 1: know what it looked like. So she's cocked, she's coed. 155 00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:54,920 Speaker 1: She's looking at you, but she's seeing a little boy, 156 00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:58,960 Speaker 1: and she's leaning on you, and she wants you to 157 00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:01,560 Speaker 1: be a man when she's got a problem. But she 158 00:11:01,679 --> 00:11:04,640 Speaker 1: you can't tell her what to do. And you okay, 159 00:11:04,679 --> 00:11:07,240 Speaker 1: So you gotta put on your suit. You'll tie your 160 00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:10,640 Speaker 1: belt and your wing tips shoes, and you've got to 161 00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:15,600 Speaker 1: stand up. I love my son, Okay, he take a 162 00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:17,720 Speaker 1: bullet from me. I take a bullet for him. We 163 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:22,400 Speaker 1: are friends. We are friends, and I don't talk to 164 00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:25,839 Speaker 1: him every day. He lives seven minutes from me. He 165 00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:28,800 Speaker 1: has to pass my house to go anywhere in the world. 166 00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:33,800 Speaker 1: He has to he don't come here every day, And 167 00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:37,199 Speaker 1: if he do come here every day, he I would 168 00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:40,200 Speaker 1: what's the matter, what's the what's wrong? Why are you here? 169 00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:43,520 Speaker 1: Because he usually comes home when he wants food or comfort. 170 00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:46,520 Speaker 1: You know, he don't borrow money. But you know, so 171 00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:50,040 Speaker 1: he put his suit and his tie and his wing 172 00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:53,160 Speaker 1: tips shoes on a long time ago because I said 173 00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:56,400 Speaker 1: to him, I'm gonna stop mothering you. What do you 174 00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:58,760 Speaker 1: need me to do? He said, I need you to 175 00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:03,240 Speaker 1: be my friend. And he taught me how by having 176 00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:07,199 Speaker 1: clear boundaries. I can't call my son and ask him 177 00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:09,600 Speaker 1: where he's going, what he's doing, and I have clear 178 00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:12,080 Speaker 1: boundaries with him. You have a key to my house, 179 00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:13,840 Speaker 1: but that don't mean you get to walk up in 180 00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:16,400 Speaker 1: here anytime you want to. I could have somebody up 181 00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:22,280 Speaker 1: in here and you can't be walking up in my house. Okay, 182 00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:26,000 Speaker 1: So you've got to look at the things that cause 183 00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:30,000 Speaker 1: your suffering and eliminate them. Having to talk to your 184 00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:35,280 Speaker 1: mother every day causes you suffering. Eliminate them. Is listening 185 00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:40,320 Speaker 1: to problems about her boyfriends or her girlfriends or whatever. 186 00:12:40,559 --> 00:12:43,920 Speaker 1: If that causes you suffering, eliminate it. And it's just 187 00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:50,000 Speaker 1: what we what I call radical communication. Mam, don't talk 188 00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:51,880 Speaker 1: to me about your boyfriend. I just I don't want 189 00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:54,720 Speaker 1: to hear it. Don't thump me with your bible, don't 190 00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:56,880 Speaker 1: do that. I don't want to hear that. So a 191 00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:59,880 Speaker 1: couple of things you've gotta be willing to. You've got 192 00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:04,079 Speaker 1: to grow the muscleful. Let's start with the easy one. Mom. 193 00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:06,000 Speaker 1: I'm not gonna talk to you every day. I'm a 194 00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:09,240 Speaker 1: grown man. That's how. That's what you want, right, I'm 195 00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:11,080 Speaker 1: a grown man. I don't need to talk to my 196 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:13,640 Speaker 1: mother every day. If you've got a problem, an issue, 197 00:13:13,679 --> 00:13:16,840 Speaker 1: a challenge, that's one thing. If I have a problem 198 00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:19,640 Speaker 1: and issue a challenge, that's another thing. But I'm not 199 00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:22,360 Speaker 1: gonna talk to you every day. Is that something that 200 00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:26,960 Speaker 1: you are willing to communicate to her? I'm definitely willing. 201 00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:29,400 Speaker 1: Are you ready when I say that to her and 202 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:32,160 Speaker 1: talk you every day? And then if then I get 203 00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:35,839 Speaker 1: the manipulation and guilt, anything could happen. You see how 204 00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:38,160 Speaker 1: your dad died. It could happen, and you know what, 205 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:41,559 Speaker 1: I'll deal with it when it does. Please forgive me. 206 00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:45,720 Speaker 1: I'm asking for your forgiveness on behalf of all your 207 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:50,760 Speaker 1: mother and all mothers mothers can be emotionally manipulative. We 208 00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:54,920 Speaker 1: can be emotional vampires, and we will suck your life 209 00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:59,120 Speaker 1: right out your eyeballs. Now, most mothers are gonna tell 210 00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:00,600 Speaker 1: you that, But I'm gonna tell you that because I've 211 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:07,400 Speaker 1: healed myself of the affliction a man. It's gonna stand 212 00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:11,240 Speaker 1: up a man when he recognizes that he's being manipuls 213 00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:13,079 Speaker 1: Let me ask you a question. Does your mama pay 214 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:18,359 Speaker 1: your rent? She doesn't, but she will contribute if I need. Okay, 215 00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:21,600 Speaker 1: well that a man don't ask his mama for no rent, 216 00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:24,400 Speaker 1: So you got to heal that up. You can't ask 217 00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:27,880 Speaker 1: your mama for no rent. Now, if you need some 218 00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:30,400 Speaker 1: money to help you go on your vacation, that's different. 219 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:34,360 Speaker 1: But a man handles his basics. So you can't act 220 00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:36,320 Speaker 1: like a boy and expect her to see you as 221 00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:38,760 Speaker 1: your man. I don't care if you got to borrow 222 00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:41,760 Speaker 1: it from the hobo on the corner. Don't you never 223 00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:43,960 Speaker 1: ask your mama for no more money to pay your rent? 224 00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:47,800 Speaker 1: That is a contradiction. You can't act like a boy 225 00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:50,520 Speaker 1: and expect her to see you as a man. So 226 00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:52,960 Speaker 1: she don't pay your rent? Does she pick your partners 227 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:57,920 Speaker 1: for you? Suggestions. And when you she makes a suggestion 228 00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:01,160 Speaker 1: of what do you say? I don't respond, you know, 229 00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:05,560 Speaker 1: I just say no, no, no, no, no no. Would 230 00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:08,120 Speaker 1: you let anybody in the street just say whatever they 231 00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:11,600 Speaker 1: want to say to you? No, no, no, no. You 232 00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:14,040 Speaker 1: don't have pearls. So let me just say this, I 233 00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,760 Speaker 1: would say to a lady, clutch your pearls. I'm gonna 234 00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:21,320 Speaker 1: say to you, clutch your crotch. Your mama can't see 235 00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:23,440 Speaker 1: you as a man because you ain't acting like one. 236 00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:27,880 Speaker 1: I know it's your mother, but she's a woman and 237 00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:32,040 Speaker 1: you cannot expect more or less from her than you 238 00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:38,840 Speaker 1: would from any other grown adult woman. You cannot. She's 239 00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:43,880 Speaker 1: not a sacred coyle that you have to protect and preserve. Yes, 240 00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:47,320 Speaker 1: you want to have a healthy, respectful relationship with her, 241 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:50,680 Speaker 1: but you also want a friend, an elder woman, a 242 00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:55,480 Speaker 1: wise woman who respects your intellect, who respects your choices. 243 00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:58,280 Speaker 1: She don't have to like them, but she respects that. 244 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:00,720 Speaker 1: She's got to be a soul off place for you 245 00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:04,200 Speaker 1: to fall. Not when you go to her that she's 246 00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:06,400 Speaker 1: gonna thump you on the head with the Bible and 247 00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:11,440 Speaker 1: condemn you to hell. No, you have to be a 248 00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:14,440 Speaker 1: man in order for her to respect you as a man. 249 00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:18,040 Speaker 1: Can you hear me, beloved, You got to create some 250 00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:21,920 Speaker 1: boundaries with her, because boundaries are not going to keep 251 00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:26,280 Speaker 1: her out, Boundaries are gonna keep you safe. Yes, but 252 00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:28,760 Speaker 1: I want you to That's why I was sharing with 253 00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:32,320 Speaker 1: you what she's carrying in her consciousness, so that you 254 00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:37,160 Speaker 1: will understand you've disappointed her because you're not who she 255 00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:39,880 Speaker 1: wanted you to be, and you're not living up to 256 00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:43,840 Speaker 1: her need for external validation. And none of that is 257 00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:46,960 Speaker 1: your work. That's not your work. That's for her to 258 00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:54,040 Speaker 1: figure out. You are a respectful adult man, the son 259 00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:58,720 Speaker 1: of a woman who's disappointed and who needs external validation, 260 00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:03,120 Speaker 1: but that you need some clear boundaries. So let's start 261 00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:06,280 Speaker 1: with the simple thing. You make a commitment to yourself 262 00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,880 Speaker 1: that you will never ask your mother for no more 263 00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:11,439 Speaker 1: rent and get her out of the intricate details of 264 00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:14,480 Speaker 1: your business. If you ain't gonna marry the person, don't 265 00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:20,440 Speaker 1: take them over there to meet for right now. Don't 266 00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:22,920 Speaker 1: tell her who you're dating. Don't talk to her about 267 00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:25,600 Speaker 1: your dating problem, don't talk to her about your problems. 268 00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:29,320 Speaker 1: Don't talk to don't not until she can be a friend. 269 00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:32,800 Speaker 1: She can't be a friend right now, and some of 270 00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:37,159 Speaker 1: those little behaviors, the little things. If it lands in 271 00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:40,160 Speaker 1: your belly and it don't feel right, say MA, I'm 272 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,560 Speaker 1: not gonna do this with you anymore. Please forgive me. 273 00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:45,760 Speaker 1: I know we've been doing this, but this no longer. 274 00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:48,479 Speaker 1: This is causing me suffering. I don't want to hear 275 00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:52,640 Speaker 1: about your boyfriend. Don't manipulate me with Bible verses. This 276 00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:55,200 Speaker 1: is causing me suffering. And I'm telling giving you this 277 00:17:55,359 --> 00:17:58,240 Speaker 1: language because I want you to give you a key 278 00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:01,480 Speaker 1: to unlock her sense of alities. And I don't care 279 00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:06,440 Speaker 1: what she says, Ma, it's causing me suffering. Don't manipulate 280 00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:11,320 Speaker 1: me with scripture most different And if you do, I'm 281 00:18:11,359 --> 00:18:13,359 Speaker 1: not going to talk to you. As soon as you 282 00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:17,200 Speaker 1: start talking scripture to me, I'm gonna end the conversation. 283 00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:20,880 Speaker 1: That's the consequence. And if she doesn't end the conversation, 284 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:23,120 Speaker 1: even if you then have to go in the bathroom 285 00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:25,959 Speaker 1: and wretch and p or poop on yourself because you're 286 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:30,679 Speaker 1: scared the depth that you just hung up on your mother. Yes, 287 00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:35,280 Speaker 1: my son has hung up on me, okay, and I 288 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:38,160 Speaker 1: and instead of getting mad at him, I said, Okay, 289 00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:41,080 Speaker 1: what did you say? And when I checked myself, I said, Okay, 290 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:45,360 Speaker 1: you were totally out of live. I don't know how 291 00:18:45,359 --> 00:18:49,600 Speaker 1: many mothers or sons are going to hear this, but 292 00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:52,920 Speaker 1: I want to thank you for your courage and calling 293 00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:57,280 Speaker 1: and being so transparent. You're saying no problem, no problem, 294 00:18:57,680 --> 00:19:01,000 Speaker 1: because what I do know is that there are hundreds 295 00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:06,840 Speaker 1: of thousands of mothers and hundreds and thousands of sons 296 00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:10,320 Speaker 1: who need to hear this. And I appreciate that you 297 00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:15,760 Speaker 1: were so respectful in your presentation that people will be 298 00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:18,120 Speaker 1: able to hear this. So I thank you so much 299 00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:21,199 Speaker 1: for your call today. Do write me, keep me in 300 00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:28,080 Speaker 1: touch and what's going on? Okay, bye bye, On behalf 301 00:19:28,119 --> 00:19:33,080 Speaker 1: of all mothers, of all sons everywhere, I forgive us 302 00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:41,879 Speaker 1: for the chips in our hard drive that prevent, delay, 303 00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:48,480 Speaker 1: obstruct or deny our capacity, ability and willingness to see, hold, 304 00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:53,480 Speaker 1: and regard our sons as grown man. I forgive myself 305 00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:57,600 Speaker 1: and on behalf of all mothers everywhere. I forgive us 306 00:19:58,359 --> 00:20:04,640 Speaker 1: for needing our son to validate who we are as mothers. Now. 307 00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:08,320 Speaker 1: I don't know if there's any mothers out there listening, 308 00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:10,879 Speaker 1: but if you are, and you could get on this 309 00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:16,119 Speaker 1: step with me. Clutch your pearls and simply say I 310 00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:20,840 Speaker 1: forgive myself for my shortcomings that I projected onto my 311 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:26,320 Speaker 1: son and required that he be better, be more, be different, 312 00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:29,879 Speaker 1: And that means that you got to get your stuff together. 313 00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:41,800 Speaker 1: We'll be right back. Welcome back to the art Spot. 314 00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:45,440 Speaker 1: I am ya La, and today we are talking about 315 00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:49,960 Speaker 1: the parent child relationship in my next caller is dealing 316 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:56,879 Speaker 1: with just that. Good afternoon, beloving. I am so well, 317 00:20:57,119 --> 00:20:59,479 Speaker 1: thank you for calling the art spot today. How can 318 00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:04,360 Speaker 1: I support with you? So, I'm looking for support on 319 00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:10,720 Speaker 1: how to exactly approach um this relationship with my mom. Um. 320 00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:14,560 Speaker 1: I kind of feel like i'm more so well, let 321 00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:17,159 Speaker 1: me say this, I feel like I've developed a mindset 322 00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:22,919 Speaker 1: where I'm incapable of seeing exactly what a parent and 323 00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:26,200 Speaker 1: child relationship is supposed to be, only because I feel 324 00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:29,080 Speaker 1: like I've been through a lot of experiences where I 325 00:21:29,119 --> 00:21:31,439 Speaker 1: had to be an adult for myself. I had to 326 00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:34,439 Speaker 1: make adult decisions at young ages. I had to, you know, 327 00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:38,560 Speaker 1: maneuver like an adult without having the parental guide. And 328 00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:42,680 Speaker 1: my mom we butt heads a lot because my mom 329 00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:45,080 Speaker 1: is this type of person like and she having a 330 00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:47,240 Speaker 1: bad day she's gonna take it out on everybody else. 331 00:21:47,359 --> 00:21:50,520 Speaker 1: And like, even before I was born, my family tells 332 00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:51,920 Speaker 1: me a lot of stories about me and my sister, 333 00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:54,120 Speaker 1: like a lot of stories of my mom just being 334 00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:57,919 Speaker 1: very aggressive. Um, and she was like that with us 335 00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:00,639 Speaker 1: even growing up, like a lot of physical abuse, Like 336 00:22:01,119 --> 00:22:03,680 Speaker 1: you know, punch of eight year olds in the face 337 00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:07,400 Speaker 1: because they're not listening isn't the best, you know, applicable 338 00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:11,240 Speaker 1: appearance and style, but that's the that she chose and 339 00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:15,000 Speaker 1: the actuality is just like I don't like my mom 340 00:22:15,119 --> 00:22:17,920 Speaker 1: as a person. So it's just like we haven't spoken 341 00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:21,360 Speaker 1: since twenty nineteen, and I just I just really don't 342 00:22:21,359 --> 00:22:22,960 Speaker 1: know what to do. I don't know if this is 343 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:24,960 Speaker 1: a situation where I should just kind of leave it 344 00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:28,760 Speaker 1: where it is and she has to develop and understand 345 00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:31,840 Speaker 1: things or her own or what else can I try 346 00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:34,200 Speaker 1: to do? Because I haven't lived with my parents since 347 00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:35,840 Speaker 1: I was fourteen, Well, I haven't lived with my mom 348 00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:38,399 Speaker 1: since I was fourteen either. What is the core? What 349 00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:41,160 Speaker 1: is the crux of the breakdown between you and your mother? 350 00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:44,360 Speaker 1: I heard you say she was physically and verbally abusive 351 00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:46,520 Speaker 1: to you as a child. Well, what is the what 352 00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:49,560 Speaker 1: is the thing that broke you all up in what 353 00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:53,919 Speaker 1: was the final store for you. So I'm a senior 354 00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:57,480 Speaker 1: in college now, and so in my junior year, UM, 355 00:22:57,600 --> 00:23:01,119 Speaker 1: we were having a sexual assault firm and one of 356 00:23:01,119 --> 00:23:03,879 Speaker 1: my friends spoke out in the forum and she said 357 00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:06,840 Speaker 1: how she had been sexually assaulted and she finally told 358 00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:09,199 Speaker 1: her mom, and that's who have brought them closer, like 359 00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:13,080 Speaker 1: that was the groundbreaking thing for them. So I was like, 360 00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:15,439 Speaker 1: so that really inspired me. So I was like, damn, 361 00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:19,080 Speaker 1: Like I saw how that, you know, transformed their relationships 362 00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:22,280 Speaker 1: and maybe you know, me expressing a little bit more 363 00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:25,479 Speaker 1: of the things that really went on with me that 364 00:23:25,520 --> 00:23:28,240 Speaker 1: she might not know about, you know, maybe that will 365 00:23:28,480 --> 00:23:34,640 Speaker 1: figue or something. Right. No, I called my mom and like, hey, 366 00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:36,159 Speaker 1: you know, I really want to talk to you and 367 00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:39,200 Speaker 1: I really want to tell you something. And I had 368 00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:41,719 Speaker 1: told her like I had been sexually assaulted, you know 369 00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:45,280 Speaker 1: most of the plans when I was younger, and the 370 00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:48,320 Speaker 1: first words all her mouth, well, first she asked me 371 00:23:48,359 --> 00:23:50,000 Speaker 1: who it was when I told her like, it's not 372 00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:52,600 Speaker 1: rathervant like I just don't want to disclose that right now, 373 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:55,960 Speaker 1: and she was like, did not ben as show dumbass this? 374 00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:58,720 Speaker 1: And so I'm looking at my phone like is this 375 00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:01,760 Speaker 1: really the response that you're gonna have? And so all 376 00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:04,359 Speaker 1: I hung up. So my stepdad texting me, it was like, 377 00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:07,439 Speaker 1: you need to apologize to your mom toall, and I 378 00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:10,240 Speaker 1: was like, well, she has to understand, like the way 379 00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:13,280 Speaker 1: that you're coming at me, Why why should I even 380 00:24:13,359 --> 00:24:16,680 Speaker 1: feel like you disturb an apology after your person at 381 00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:18,800 Speaker 1: me and yelling at me after I'm telling you something 382 00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:23,000 Speaker 1: very vulnerablebout my vulnerable about myself. So um, I was 383 00:24:23,119 --> 00:24:26,040 Speaker 1: going to my parents house to visit, and my mom 384 00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:30,040 Speaker 1: like she as I was on the phone, like coming 385 00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:34,600 Speaker 1: to North Carolina from Virginia, she was like to you're 386 00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:39,160 Speaker 1: not part of this family. And I was literally bursting out, 387 00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:42,680 Speaker 1: like crying, like hysperically crying. And that was the last show. 388 00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:45,719 Speaker 1: That was the last time like I ever spoke to her. 389 00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:48,000 Speaker 1: I was like, this is it all right? I can't 390 00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:51,960 Speaker 1: take this no more. So you have not spoken to 391 00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:56,280 Speaker 1: your mother since nineteen that's three years ago a little 392 00:24:56,320 --> 00:25:01,400 Speaker 1: more than three years ago, and you're still in breakdown 393 00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:06,119 Speaker 1: about your relationship with her. I think the thing that 394 00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:09,840 Speaker 1: I find very interesting is you started this conversation by 395 00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:15,960 Speaker 1: saying something about a parent child relationship. Yeah, what I 396 00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:21,560 Speaker 1: want to offer you is that you can have a 397 00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:27,080 Speaker 1: parent adult relationship. You are an adult, the child of 398 00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:31,080 Speaker 1: your parents, but you are an adult, and as an 399 00:25:31,119 --> 00:25:35,200 Speaker 1: adult you get to say what goes on in your life. 400 00:25:36,040 --> 00:25:39,760 Speaker 1: And it sounds to me like you are still responding 401 00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:43,960 Speaker 1: to your mother's behavior and your mother's speaking as if 402 00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:48,280 Speaker 1: you were a child. Have you ever asked your mother 403 00:25:49,040 --> 00:25:52,560 Speaker 1: in a humble, respectful way. Are you willing not to 404 00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:55,600 Speaker 1: curse at me when we speak? Have you ever asked 405 00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:59,800 Speaker 1: her that, unless I am a I don't even think 406 00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:05,720 Speaker 1: that that is possible. Listen, I'm not asking you about 407 00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:10,840 Speaker 1: her response to you. I'm asking you, as an adult, 408 00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:15,760 Speaker 1: to say what goes on in your life, because it 409 00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:19,639 Speaker 1: sounds to me like you're still responding to your mother 410 00:26:20,119 --> 00:26:23,440 Speaker 1: as though you were a child. And as a child, 411 00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:26,399 Speaker 1: there are things you don't say, that things you don't ask, 412 00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:29,359 Speaker 1: there's things you don't do. But you're not a child. 413 00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:34,639 Speaker 1: You're an adult, and as an adult you get to 414 00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:38,920 Speaker 1: say what goes on in your life. Have you ever 415 00:26:39,119 --> 00:26:43,000 Speaker 1: asked your mother not to curseen you or call you 416 00:26:43,040 --> 00:26:46,879 Speaker 1: out your name when she's speaking to you? Okay, so 417 00:26:47,119 --> 00:26:50,920 Speaker 1: that's what a child would do. But as an adult, 418 00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:55,120 Speaker 1: you get to say, Okay, this is a person that 419 00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:58,840 Speaker 1: I love and care about who's not willing to respect me. 420 00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:04,320 Speaker 1: So I get to choose how to be in relationship 421 00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:07,840 Speaker 1: with this person. I get to choose that I will. 422 00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:11,199 Speaker 1: You're gonna have a relationship with her until one of 423 00:27:11,240 --> 00:27:14,720 Speaker 1: you die. But you, as an adult, get to choose 424 00:27:14,840 --> 00:27:18,760 Speaker 1: what that relationship is. And as an adult, you don't 425 00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:22,360 Speaker 1: have to be in relationship with anybody that verbally abuses 426 00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:28,080 Speaker 1: you unless you choose to. Is that what you choose? Oh? Okay, 427 00:27:28,240 --> 00:27:32,439 Speaker 1: So I'd love for us to have communication to be 428 00:27:32,520 --> 00:27:36,920 Speaker 1: in relationship, but I cannot be willing. I'm not choosing 429 00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:40,480 Speaker 1: to be in relationship with somebody who doesn't respect me 430 00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:43,880 Speaker 1: and cursing at me and calling me names that don't 431 00:27:43,920 --> 00:27:48,520 Speaker 1: that's not respectful. Don't get caught up as an adult 432 00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:52,600 Speaker 1: in her response. See you're caught up in her response. 433 00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:54,800 Speaker 1: Could I say that to you? Suppose you called up 434 00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:56,320 Speaker 1: here on the arts body and I said, f you 435 00:27:56,680 --> 00:27:58,840 Speaker 1: what you're calling me for your stupid so and so? 436 00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:06,280 Speaker 1: Would you did you call me back? Would you know? 437 00:28:08,080 --> 00:28:12,640 Speaker 1: Here's something that many people, many adult children don't recognize 438 00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:18,000 Speaker 1: there are no sacred cows. A cow is a cow 439 00:28:18,119 --> 00:28:20,560 Speaker 1: is a cow. There are no sacred cows. I'm not 440 00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:23,600 Speaker 1: calling your mother, Kyle. I'm just saying, you know, sometimes 441 00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:27,920 Speaker 1: we we hold people in a sacred position and give 442 00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:31,520 Speaker 1: them more prominence in our life than we would give 443 00:28:31,560 --> 00:28:36,120 Speaker 1: anybody else. You are an adult, my love. It's clicking 444 00:28:36,119 --> 00:28:39,080 Speaker 1: in my head and it definitely makes sense on Like 445 00:28:39,320 --> 00:28:42,600 Speaker 1: I'm still responding as a kid because even sometimes, like 446 00:28:42,640 --> 00:28:45,600 Speaker 1: when I listened to my mom, like even if she's not, 447 00:28:45,880 --> 00:28:48,200 Speaker 1: you know, starting something with me or starting something with 448 00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:51,720 Speaker 1: my dad step dad, because they're physically they have their 449 00:28:51,760 --> 00:28:54,920 Speaker 1: own thing too. So it's like my mom, I see 450 00:28:54,960 --> 00:28:57,800 Speaker 1: it and I understand it. Like my mom respond to 451 00:28:57,840 --> 00:29:00,760 Speaker 1: things like an angry little kid. It's like she has 452 00:29:00,800 --> 00:29:04,720 Speaker 1: a temper. Well, can I say this to you and 453 00:29:04,760 --> 00:29:07,360 Speaker 1: hear me, hear me from a place of love and concern. 454 00:29:07,880 --> 00:29:11,480 Speaker 1: How she responds is none of your business. She could 455 00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:15,040 Speaker 1: be a mass murderer, lunatic running around naked, but when 456 00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:16,680 Speaker 1: she comes to your house, she got to put on 457 00:29:16,720 --> 00:29:23,640 Speaker 1: some clothes and behave nicely. I don't care you want 458 00:29:23,640 --> 00:29:26,520 Speaker 1: to be a mass murderer. If the police don't find you. 459 00:29:26,600 --> 00:29:29,200 Speaker 1: That's hey, that's on them. But when you come here, 460 00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:32,719 Speaker 1: put some clothes on and don't put your feet up 461 00:29:32,720 --> 00:29:36,160 Speaker 1: on my coffee table because I'm an adult, because it's 462 00:29:36,200 --> 00:29:39,560 Speaker 1: my boundary. You have to see yourself not as a child, 463 00:29:39,600 --> 00:29:43,880 Speaker 1: but as an adult in a respectful relationship with another 464 00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:48,920 Speaker 1: adult who gave birth to you. But it's hard. Oh yeah, 465 00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:51,840 Speaker 1: so many of us don't know how to do that 466 00:29:52,160 --> 00:29:56,400 Speaker 1: because we have so many wounds, unhealed wounds and unhealed 467 00:29:56,400 --> 00:30:00,480 Speaker 1: breaks from our childhood. So we continue as a adults 468 00:30:00,800 --> 00:30:05,280 Speaker 1: to try to get now what we didn't get then here. 469 00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:08,280 Speaker 1: Back then, we couldn't leave home. Back then, we couldn't 470 00:30:08,320 --> 00:30:10,760 Speaker 1: speak up. Back then, we couldn't ask for what we wanted. 471 00:30:11,240 --> 00:30:15,480 Speaker 1: We were under their, the the big people's whatever. But 472 00:30:15,600 --> 00:30:19,760 Speaker 1: now you're you're not under that anymore. So you gotta grow. 473 00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:23,240 Speaker 1: You have to do for that little child inside of 474 00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:27,680 Speaker 1: you what nobody did for you, which was draw boundaries, 475 00:30:28,040 --> 00:30:33,560 Speaker 1: makes specific requests, and have consequences when the boundaries are violated. 476 00:30:33,720 --> 00:30:36,200 Speaker 1: And I know that's your mom, that's your heart, but 477 00:30:36,360 --> 00:30:40,600 Speaker 1: she's not sacred. Let me ask you this question, what 478 00:30:40,640 --> 00:30:44,920 Speaker 1: would it take for you to be in healthy loving 479 00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:48,200 Speaker 1: relationship with your mother right now? What do you think 480 00:30:48,280 --> 00:30:52,520 Speaker 1: it would take her to therapy? Okay, but that's none 481 00:30:52,560 --> 00:30:57,440 Speaker 1: of your business. You can't make your need to be 482 00:30:57,480 --> 00:31:01,080 Speaker 1: in relationship with your mother contingent upon what she does. 483 00:31:02,240 --> 00:31:05,280 Speaker 1: What do you need to do? What is required of 484 00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:10,080 Speaker 1: you to be in healthy loving relationship with your mom 485 00:31:10,120 --> 00:31:13,080 Speaker 1: just as she is right now? What is what would 486 00:31:13,080 --> 00:31:17,040 Speaker 1: it take? I really don't know. Okay, Well that's what 487 00:31:17,120 --> 00:31:20,160 Speaker 1: you gotta work on. Because three and a half years 488 00:31:20,160 --> 00:31:22,240 Speaker 1: for you to not speak to somebody and you still 489 00:31:22,240 --> 00:31:25,600 Speaker 1: got a question about it. See me, I'm a fan 490 00:31:25,720 --> 00:31:28,240 Speaker 1: of the Dollar Tree, even though they're a dollar twenty five? 491 00:31:28,360 --> 00:31:33,880 Speaker 1: Now do you like the dollar Tree? I love the 492 00:31:33,960 --> 00:31:37,400 Speaker 1: Dollar Tree? So you know what I do? Sometimes I 493 00:31:37,440 --> 00:31:39,600 Speaker 1: go to the Dollar Tree and I buy a bunch 494 00:31:39,600 --> 00:31:43,200 Speaker 1: of cards, you know, birthday cards, I love you cards. 495 00:31:43,240 --> 00:31:46,000 Speaker 1: I think about your cards. Sometimes they got nice cards, 496 00:31:46,120 --> 00:31:48,880 Speaker 1: you know. And every now and then when I think 497 00:31:48,920 --> 00:31:52,720 Speaker 1: about somebody that I'm not in a balance a harmony with, 498 00:31:52,920 --> 00:31:55,160 Speaker 1: I just send him a card, a Dollar Tree card, 499 00:31:55,640 --> 00:31:59,880 Speaker 1: thinking about you, and that's it, and that satisfies me. 500 00:32:00,240 --> 00:32:02,880 Speaker 1: So I'm making a step. I'm doing something I want 501 00:32:02,880 --> 00:32:05,120 Speaker 1: to be in relationship. I don't want to call you. 502 00:32:05,240 --> 00:32:07,160 Speaker 1: I don't want to give you the opportunity to cuss 503 00:32:07,200 --> 00:32:09,160 Speaker 1: at me. I don't want to do any of that. 504 00:32:09,320 --> 00:32:10,760 Speaker 1: But I want you to know I love you. And 505 00:32:10,760 --> 00:32:12,560 Speaker 1: I think about here's a dollar Tree card now that 506 00:32:12,560 --> 00:32:14,320 Speaker 1: they don't know it comes from the Dollar Tree, because 507 00:32:14,360 --> 00:32:19,760 Speaker 1: sometimes the Dollar Tree cards are really nice, you know. 508 00:32:20,080 --> 00:32:22,040 Speaker 1: And when I think about some of the things that 509 00:32:22,080 --> 00:32:25,080 Speaker 1: they done, that we've done, or they've said, or things 510 00:32:25,120 --> 00:32:27,360 Speaker 1: that have happened between them, in my mind, I just said, 511 00:32:27,560 --> 00:32:31,320 Speaker 1: I forgive you totally and unconditionally, and all things are 512 00:32:31,320 --> 00:32:34,560 Speaker 1: healed between us. Now. That's what I say to myself. 513 00:32:34,960 --> 00:32:40,120 Speaker 1: Because you can't bank what you need on what she does. Yeah, 514 00:32:40,360 --> 00:32:44,800 Speaker 1: she may never change. That doesn't mean you can't have good, 515 00:32:44,800 --> 00:32:49,160 Speaker 1: healthy relationship with her in your heart and in your mind. 516 00:32:49,560 --> 00:32:52,200 Speaker 1: I send her card. I sent her five cards a year. 517 00:32:52,480 --> 00:32:54,200 Speaker 1: I send her birthday card, I send her mother to 518 00:32:54,240 --> 00:32:55,920 Speaker 1: Day card. I don't have to pick up the phone 519 00:32:55,960 --> 00:32:59,160 Speaker 1: and call her because I'm not willing to run the 520 00:32:59,240 --> 00:33:02,640 Speaker 1: risk that she's not gonna cuss me, hurt me, dishonored me, 521 00:33:02,760 --> 00:33:06,360 Speaker 1: disrespect me. But I'm still in relationship with her in 522 00:33:06,560 --> 00:33:15,520 Speaker 1: my heart, and mind. Go to the Dollar Tree, and 523 00:33:15,560 --> 00:33:19,400 Speaker 1: when those things come up, that you remember I forgive 524 00:33:19,560 --> 00:33:25,320 Speaker 1: my mother totally and unconditionally for everything. All things are 525 00:33:25,360 --> 00:33:28,760 Speaker 1: healed between us now. And this is what I'm a 526 00:33:29,040 --> 00:33:34,320 Speaker 1: guarantee you. You do that sincerely. One day she's gonna 527 00:33:34,320 --> 00:33:36,760 Speaker 1: pick up the phone and call you, and you're gonna 528 00:33:36,760 --> 00:33:38,400 Speaker 1: look at the phone and say, damn, is this the 529 00:33:38,440 --> 00:33:43,360 Speaker 1: same person? But you've got to do that as an adult, 530 00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:50,800 Speaker 1: not as a child. Go to the Dollar Tree. That's 531 00:33:50,840 --> 00:33:54,600 Speaker 1: your prescription. Drink water, mind your business. Go to the 532 00:33:54,640 --> 00:33:58,160 Speaker 1: Dollar Tree. Build your relationship with her in your heart, 533 00:33:58,240 --> 00:34:03,480 Speaker 1: regardless of what she does. Okay, yeah, you are not 534 00:34:03,680 --> 00:34:05,840 Speaker 1: for a while. You are not call me in six weeks. 535 00:34:05,920 --> 00:34:09,359 Speaker 1: Let me know how you're doing. Okay, okay, my love, 536 00:34:09,440 --> 00:34:17,440 Speaker 1: thank you for calling. Thank you, bye bye. Where where 537 00:34:17,520 --> 00:34:22,880 Speaker 1: we're in our teaching, our our education, Where in our 538 00:34:22,920 --> 00:34:27,319 Speaker 1: training are conditioning, our programming as human beings, are we 539 00:34:27,480 --> 00:34:30,839 Speaker 1: taught how to move through some of the challenges that 540 00:34:30,920 --> 00:34:34,640 Speaker 1: we face in life. We're not not in our relationships, 541 00:34:34,960 --> 00:34:39,120 Speaker 1: not in our churches. So whether you're with the person, 542 00:34:40,000 --> 00:34:44,000 Speaker 1: see the person, or engage with the person, you still 543 00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:47,040 Speaker 1: have to heal the breakdown and you don't have to 544 00:34:47,120 --> 00:34:52,239 Speaker 1: be in their presence or say anything harmful. Just thinking 545 00:34:52,520 --> 00:34:57,880 Speaker 1: about it keeps the breakdown going. Oh well, well, well 546 00:34:58,600 --> 00:35:02,000 Speaker 1: another episode of The Our Spot. I'm going now somewhere 547 00:35:02,040 --> 00:35:06,600 Speaker 1: to drink brown look out the bottle because as a mother, 548 00:35:07,080 --> 00:35:10,879 Speaker 1: that just triggered up all my stuff because now I've 549 00:35:10,920 --> 00:35:14,759 Speaker 1: got grandsons, so how I treat my son is so 550 00:35:14,880 --> 00:35:19,160 Speaker 1: very important because his son's are watching. I hope you've 551 00:35:19,200 --> 00:35:22,280 Speaker 1: heard or learned something today that you needed in your life. 552 00:35:22,280 --> 00:35:24,200 Speaker 1: And if you didn't, be sure to tune in next 553 00:35:24,239 --> 00:35:27,400 Speaker 1: week because I'll have more for you. In the meantime, 554 00:35:27,560 --> 00:35:32,000 Speaker 1: Stay in peace and not pieces. I'll see you next time. 555 00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:41,400 Speaker 1: The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in 556 00:35:41,520 --> 00:35:46,440 Speaker 1: partnership with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, 557 00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:50,760 Speaker 1: visit the I Heart Radio Apple Apple podcast, or wherever 558 00:35:50,840 --> 00:35:52,920 Speaker 1: you listen to your favorite shows.