Speaker 1: Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio. I
Speaker 1: don't think I've ever seen anybody actually put the toothpaste
Speaker 1: back into the tube before even just a lot of
Speaker 1: the toothpaste. Yet that is exactly what Joe Biden did
Speaker 1: last night, many years ago, probably in two thousand and
Speaker 1: six or two thousand and eight. I was seated at
Speaker 1: an anchor desk on an election night at thirty Rock,
Speaker 1: probably a primary night, and the man seated next to me,
Speaker 1: who was at least sixty years old at the time,
Speaker 1: got the queue to do our reset at the top
Speaker 1: of a new hour, and his millions watched, he loudly
Speaker 1: and quickly announced, quote, good evening, the polls have just closed.
Speaker 1: Alongside Chris Matthews. I'm Keith Olberman. He never noticed he
Speaker 1: said it, He never corrected it, he never thought to
Speaker 1: correct it. He certainly never ever would have made a
Speaker 1: joke about it at his own expense. I will now
Speaker 1: say to you, with those two statements as preface, something
Speaker 1: that very few political commentators will say, or sports commentators
Speaker 1: or analysts or political analysts will ever say, I do
Speaker 1: not know right now what we should do next. I
Speaker 1: will also say I was prepared to insist that today
Speaker 1: President Obama and Nancy Pelosi and Chris Dodd and Ted
Speaker 1: Kaufman and Jim Clyburn and Majority Leader Schumer and Minority
Speaker 1: Leader Jeffries and John Meacham and anybody else they think
Speaker 1: would help, needed to go to the White House and
Speaker 1: plead with President Biden to withdraw his name from the
Speaker 1: Democratic ticket. And I am not certain that that is
Speaker 1: not still the best course. And I will also say
Speaker 1: that when ninety minutes before four last night's news conference
Speaker 1: even began, mister Biden called Zelenski Putin, and then when
Speaker 1: the news conference began, he called Vice President Harris vice
Speaker 1: President Trump. I thought that was still the only course,
Speaker 1: and then Joe Biden acknowledged that might be the course.
Speaker 1: There may be multiple courses. And then Biden acknowledged that
Speaker 1: he had to do better, and he had to show
Speaker 1: more people in more unrehearsed settings that he does better.
Speaker 1: And then Biden spent fifteen minutes deconstructing and recapitulating every
Speaker 1: conceivable aspect of our foreign policy, from how this Israel
Speaker 1: different from golda my years Israel, through Ukraine towards China's
Speaker 1: movement towards Russia and Europe's subsequent movement away from China.
Speaker 1: And then he moved effortlessly into self evaluation and evaluation
Speaker 1: of Vice President Harris and of what had changed in
Speaker 1: his original twenty twenty plan to be a transitional president
Speaker 1: to the next generation, and of what's circumstances he might
Speaker 1: not run in after all. And as I started to
Speaker 1: delete line after line after line from my notes from
Speaker 1: yesterday afternoon, up popped something on the front page of
Speaker 1: the Holy goddamn New York Times. President Biden had some flubs,
Speaker 1: but he also delivered kagent responses on some complex issues.
Speaker 1: You bet your ass. And then Joe Biden took the
Speaker 1: two gaffs that he made and he made fun of them,
Speaker 1: and he made fun of himself, and most importantly, he
Speaker 1: jiu jitsued Trump tried to make fun of him, and
Speaker 1: he shoved it back up Trump's ass.
Speaker 2: And now I want to hand it over to the
Speaker 2: President of Ukraine, who has as much courage as he
Speaker 2: has determination, ladies and gentlemen, President Putin, President Putin, He's
Speaker 2: got to beat President Pusin. President Lensky, I'm so focused
Speaker 2: on beating Putin. We gotta worry about it anyway, President,
Speaker 2: you are a hell hawker vice President Harris's ability to
Speaker 2: beat Donald Trump if she were at the top of
Speaker 2: the ticket. Look, I wouldn't have picked Vice President Trump
Speaker 2: to be vice president. I think she was not qualified
Speaker 2: to be president. Misso in your oling answer, you preferred
Speaker 2: to Vice President Harris as vice President Trump.
Speaker 1: Right now, Donald Trump is usually that to mock your
Speaker 1: age and your memory?
Speaker 2: How do you get bat that criticism from Zenia's listen
Speaker 2: to him?
Speaker 1: Shortly thereafter came the tweet I would presume written by
Speaker 1: somebody else, but under his byline, and certainly consistent with
Speaker 1: that snark. The dare the dismissiveness of what he said
Speaker 1: at the press conference about Trump. It's a screenshot of
Speaker 1: Trump's Joe begins his big boy press conference with I
Speaker 1: wouldn't have picked Vice President Trump to be vice president,
Speaker 1: though I think she was not qualified to be president.
Speaker 1: Great job. Joe attached to that this dagger thrust from Biden. Quote.
Speaker 1: By the way, yes, I know the difference one's a
Speaker 1: prosecutor and the others a felon. I do not know
Speaker 1: what to do next. I do know that I am
Speaker 1: not alone in suggesting that had President Biden spoken in
Speaker 1: that way during the debate, or if he had held
Speaker 1: that news conference the night after the debate, it would
Speaker 1: have been almost impossible for the events of the last
Speaker 1: two weeks to have unfolded the way they did. Impossible.
Speaker 1: It is also impossible to conceive of Trump holding such
Speaker 1: a press conference dealing substantially and accurately with foreign policy. Now,
Speaker 1: I mean the actual foreign policy of the world out
Speaker 1: here that we live in, and not the vainglorious fantasies
Speaker 1: of a madman who I am convinced does not believe
Speaker 1: he is mortal or is that he is ever going
Speaker 1: to die. I don't mean asking Trump to hold a
Speaker 1: substantive fifty minute news conference. I mean asking him to
Speaker 1: hold three or four minutes about other things and other
Speaker 1: people besides himself, and how wonderful he is. And by
Speaker 1: the way, every three or four minutes Trump makes more
Speaker 1: gaffs than Biden did in one hour last night. In
Speaker 1: two thousand and nine, I had the odd pleasure of
Speaker 1: an off the record lunch at the White House with
Speaker 1: President Obama, and I believe eleven other commentators and news
Speaker 1: analysts were there. I could look up the names the
Speaker 1: premise of it, explained Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, when I
Speaker 1: expressed surprise that people were taking notes, was that all
Speaker 1: of these guys, John Dickerson was there, Geene Robinson from
Speaker 1: the Washington Post, a bunch of others. They would be
Speaker 1: writing columns or doing pieces on what Obama might think
Speaker 1: about this foreign policy issue or what his options might
Speaker 1: be in that domestic policy dilemma. And the White House thought,
Speaker 1: what the hell, let's at least let them find out
Speaker 1: what he's actually thinking. So when they guess in their columns,
Speaker 1: maybe they'll be right. And I got to hear of
Speaker 1: Barack Obama weave together over one of the best meals
Speaker 1: I've ever been served, everything from Afghanistan to the price
Speaker 1: of the produce sitting in front of us, and I
Speaker 1: was confident I would never hear anything as intricate and
Speaker 1: as accurate or as comprehensive again in my life. Biden
Speaker 1: exceeded that last night and mixed in humility and mixed
Speaker 1: in pure anger at the end. And by the way,
Speaker 1: on the record, and that little.
Speaker 2: Button, yeah, control guns, not girls, I mean the idea
Speaker 2: we're sitting around this for Kamos so good as well.
Speaker 2: We're sitting around more children are killed as by a
Speaker 2: bullet in any other cause of death. The United States
Speaker 2: of America, What hell are we doing? What are we doing?
Speaker 2: We got a candidate say promised, then don't worry. I'm
Speaker 2: not going to do anythe I'm not going.
Speaker 3: To do anything.
Speaker 1: So I do not know what to do next other
Speaker 1: than to think about it some more. Because as impressive
Speaker 1: as that was, it did not magically wipe away the
Speaker 1: remaining negatives, And the primary remaining negative is that there
Speaker 1: is now a presidential campaign who's genuinely mentally ill. Candidate
Speaker 1: is being let off the hook for calling Biden Obama,
Speaker 1: and calling Nicky Haley Nancy Pelosi, and for forgetting his
Speaker 1: son's name, and for descending into gibberish five times a speech,
Speaker 1: week in and week out. Because the other guy is
Speaker 1: the president of the United States and not insane, so
Speaker 1: we hold him to a higher standard, and because the
Speaker 1: news media of this nation is irreparably broken, and because
Speaker 1: that opposition campaign has sixty one million dollars in AD
Speaker 1: money to spend on making sure that everybody in this
Speaker 1: country who's not giving Joe Biden to benefit of the
Speaker 1: doubt or wasn't watching the news conference. Here's him calls
Speaker 1: Zlenski putin. And after the debate, that benefit of the
Speaker 1: doubt started to dry up, and as of last night
Speaker 1: the wellbed had been pretty dry. I'm out of analogies here.
Speaker 1: Maybe toothpaste in the well bed. There also remains the
Speaker 1: unmistakable reality that the news conference last night was a
Speaker 1: first step, and it should have been taken first, and
Speaker 1: now instead it could easily be the last straw, because
Speaker 1: ultimately this is not about Joe Biden doing the job.
Speaker 1: It's about him winning the election. But one thought it
Speaker 1: is possible that in that news conference are the seeds
Speaker 1: of a way to keep President Biden on the ticket
Speaker 1: and get him over the finish line. I have suggested
Speaker 1: here previously that taped television interviews are useless, as was
Speaker 1: the opening of the news conference where he read from
Speaker 1: the teleprompter other than to let him toot his own
Speaker 1: horn for a while. But live television interviews would not
Speaker 1: be useless. Tell NBC the President will give Lester Holt
Speaker 1: an hour, but it must be live, or it must
Speaker 1: be a live town hall, or cancel the interview and
Speaker 1: hold another news conference or a town hall or have
Speaker 1: him just stop people on the street, live, live, live, Live.
Speaker 1: Saturate the airwaves with Joe Biden Live, Joe Biden making
Speaker 1: sense on foreign policy, making sense on jobs, making sense
Speaker 1: on inflation, on democracy, on immigration, on guns, on Trump.
Speaker 1: Flood the Zone with Joe Biden Live every week. Last
Speaker 1: night he did something extraordinary, something I flatly thought impossible
Speaker 1: until I saw it, and I wish I would not
Speaker 1: have believed if I had merely heard an account of it.
Speaker 1: Keep doing that. Bring him back once a week, hell twice.
Speaker 1: If you can get people to carry it, put them
Speaker 1: on live so often that he begins to bore voters
Speaker 1: to tears. All right, all right, I'll vote for you.
Speaker 1: Get off my television. Lost in our attempt to fathom
Speaker 1: how the idiots and haters of this country not just
Speaker 1: stand Trump but love Trump is the simplicity of what
Speaker 1: he means to them. He is a television show. Virtually
Speaker 1: every Saturday for two years, he has gone somewhere and
Speaker 1: in front of a raucous crowd, presented this bizarre cross
Speaker 1: between an hour of he Haw and a Hitler rally.
Speaker 1: It's always there, always talking, always soothing the people whose
Speaker 1: lives are failures, and need somebody else to blame. But
Speaker 1: mostly he's just there like McDonald's. Well, maybe Biden can
Speaker 1: be that for the rest of the nation. Maybe that
Speaker 1: is the lesson the last night. It is sad, and
Speaker 1: as a sixty five year old man, it is terrifying
Speaker 1: for me to contemplate that I will be there soon
Speaker 1: enough to remember the harshness of my own words. But America,
Speaker 1: especially our underinformed voters, will in fact choose the crazy
Speaker 1: old man yelling at the cloud over the sane old
Speaker 1: man who's whispering at the wind. It is cruel, It
Speaker 1: is the opposite of their best interests. That don't make
Speaker 1: it any less true, because, as I have said for
Speaker 1: two weeks, the worst place in the world for the
Speaker 1: hopes of this country and this humanity is where we
Speaker 1: are in the middle, as forces on both sides of
Speaker 1: this heart rending uncertainty gather strength and will and resoluteness,
Speaker 1: and even gather anti Harris polling leaked by the Biden
Speaker 1: campaign in as irrational a political decision as I've ever seen,
Speaker 1: do we give Joe Biden a week to fight his
Speaker 1: way completely back to put the rest of the toothpaste
Speaker 1: in the tube? He said, if they show him data
Speaker 1: that shows he cannot beat Trump, he'll go. He said
Speaker 1: his delegates can vote for somebody else in August at
Speaker 1: the convention. And I know he conditioned on a lot
Speaker 1: of other factors, but can you imagine anybody else saying
Speaker 1: that ever in American history? And then, by the way,
Speaker 1: segueing back to the complicated history between Japan and South
Speaker 1: Korea again, this is not an unquestioned endorsement of the
Speaker 1: continued candidacy of Joe Biden. I have reached the conclusion
Speaker 1: after two years of doing this podcast, and after the
Speaker 1: two weeks since the debate, in which I have thought
Speaker 1: about nothing else, that if Joe Biden's age were not
Speaker 1: part of this campaign, and Joe Biden's gaffes were not
Speaker 1: part of this campaign, and the efforts to shield Joe
Speaker 1: Biden from risky situations were not part of this campaign,
Speaker 1: all of the spotlights, the justifiable spotlights, and the media
Speaker 1: creation spotlights would turn entirely on Trump. The media would
Speaker 1: be full time hunting Trump. I'm not an idiot. I
Speaker 1: don't think Vice President Harris or President Harris would sail
Speaker 1: untouched through an unprecedented replacement campaign. But I do think
Speaker 1: she would get nearly all of the independent voters, and
Speaker 1: I do think she would get nearly all of the
Speaker 1: so called double haters. And I do think she would
Speaker 1: every day speaking, not speaking, smiling, not smiling, tooth pasting
Speaker 1: or not tooth pasting, she would remind every American that
Speaker 1: Trump is a dangerous, psychopathic, unstable old man. Trump's candidacy
Speaker 1: I think is viable, plausible, not inherently ridiculous, largely because
Speaker 1: Joe Biden blunts much of the shock each day that
Speaker 1: Trump should inflict but does not. The number of things
Speaker 1: that we cannot now say about Trump, the number of
Speaker 1: things that would in Biden's absence occur to our vast
Speaker 1: under informed demographic who will actually decide this election, would
Speaker 1: be enormous. The oxygen supply for Trump the other thing
Speaker 1: we can't conceive. He can point to Joe Biden and
Speaker 1: say to his supporters and say, I'm not old, he's old,
Speaker 1: I'm not unreliable. He's unreliable. No Biden, and that vanishes,
Speaker 1: not vanishing from Trump. He will continue to say those things,
Speaker 1: and now he would say new and racist things as well.
Speaker 1: But the ability to point at President Biden and score
Speaker 1: both sides ist, what about his points By merely noting
Speaker 1: Biden's age, or his infirmity or his struggles, that would
Speaker 1: be gone. That enticing scenario remains. And the other problem
Speaker 1: that isn't going away is about those around the president.
Speaker 1: After the news conference yesterday and the news stories yesterday,
Speaker 1: there's no immediate need to test Joe Biden's acuity, but
Speaker 1: there certainly are reasons to test his staff sanity. The
Speaker 1: ABC Washington Post poll yesterday that showed fifty seven percent
Speaker 1: of Democrats want the president to drop out actually buried
Speaker 1: the lead from the poll. It also polled a Trump
Speaker 1: Kamala Harris matchup. She leads that forty nine to forty seven.
Speaker 1: Trump and Biden are tied at forty six, and those
Speaker 1: poll numbers would be Vice President Harris's start, not her finish.
Speaker 1: But a campaign staff memo leaked to The New York
Speaker 1: Times from the Biden campaign chairman and manager insists that
Speaker 1: for the president there is quote clear pathway ahead and
Speaker 1: then goes in a dark direction quote. There is also
Speaker 1: no indication that anyone else would outperform the president versus Trump.
Speaker 1: Hypothetical polling of alternative nominees will always be unreliable, and
Speaker 1: surveys do not take into account the negative media environment
Speaker 1: that any Democratic nominee will encounter. The only Democratic candidate
Speaker 1: for whom this is already baked in is President Biden.
Speaker 1: That there is mud slinging by implication against the vice
Speaker 1: president by those around the president is bad enough. What's
Speaker 1: worse is that those conclusions are ridiculous. After Trump's convictions,
Speaker 1: the President had finally taken the lead in the polling averages.
Speaker 1: He was on the upswing nationally, he was on the
Speaker 1: upswing in every swing state, and now this tie in
Speaker 1: the post ABC poll is the best result since the debate.
Speaker 1: Most polls have Biden trailing by three or four or
Speaker 1: five points and hemorrhaging support in the swing states. It
Speaker 1: is not baked in. To continue the analogy, there is
Speaker 1: a lot more of it in the oven, and the
Speaker 1: goddamned oven may also be on fire. There were also
Speaker 1: three other sets of other leaks yesterday, one to NBC
Speaker 1: attributed to campaign staffers saying they see no path for
Speaker 1: a Biden victory and he should drop out. One to
Speaker 1: The New York Times, attributed to longtime aids and advisors
Speaker 1: saying they are seeking ways to convince him to drop out,
Speaker 1: and a third to the nonprofit Notice News, saying that
Speaker 1: the unanimous support of the Congressional Black Caucus covers up
Speaker 1: several members who believe he needs to step down but
Speaker 1: aren't saying it so they can say they're unanimous. The
Speaker 1: senators at the meeting with Biden staffers say they were
Speaker 1: provided no new data yesterday, no polling, no new information.
Speaker 1: One Democratic senator has now called for Biden to step aside.
Speaker 1: Fourteen Democratic members of Congress have done the same, including
Speaker 1: the contrarian Marie Glusen camp Perez, and she says the
Speaker 1: President should also resign his office. And then there were
Speaker 1: the radio interviews. The White House provided questions to WURD
Speaker 1: in Philadelphia before it interviewed President Biden, and to the
Speaker 1: Civic Media Progressive Radio Network in Wisconsin. The Philadelphia station
Speaker 1: has already parted ways with its host, who went along
Speaker 1: with this manipulation. Now the Wisconsin outlet is revealing that
Speaker 1: after their interview with the questions, President Biden certainly were
Speaker 1: considered ready for the campaign, was concerned that he had
Speaker 1: made a factual error in one answer and made an
Speaker 1: unfortunate reference to hanging in another answer, and they asked
Speaker 1: the network to edit those answers down, and it complied.
Speaker 1: The New York Times and yes, their editorial choices have
Speaker 1: damaged their reputation beyond repair. The solution here maybe to
Speaker 1: replace The New York Times with Kamala Harris. The New
Speaker 1: York Times actually then did some decent gum shoe reporting.
Speaker 1: It went and looked for more instances of this. It
Speaker 1: cited two interviews on the same day before the State
Speaker 1: of the Union in March, in which Biden was asked,
Speaker 1: first by a radio host in Charlotte, quote if he
Speaker 1: would list his accomplishments, say why he had decided to
Speaker 1: run for a second term, and explain what was its
Speaker 1: stake for black voters in the election. And then same
Speaker 1: day he was asked by a radio host in Dallas,
Speaker 1: quote if he would list his accomplishments, say why he
Speaker 1: had decided to run for a second term, and explain
Speaker 1: what was at stake for black voters in the election.
Speaker 1: And The Times found repeated instances in which, quoting them again,
Speaker 1: the president has been served up identical questions, pre screened
Speaker 1: or suggested ahead of time by campaign staff members, and
Speaker 1: in nearly every case, the questions set the president up
Speaker 1: to deliver on message talking points without notable flubs. The
Speaker 1: ethics of this are atrocious and stupid. How could they
Speaker 1: not know this would come out? The people around Biden
Speaker 1: who did that can destroy him. Yet, so to me,
Speaker 1: the first step now is he needs new people making
Speaker 1: these decisions. Maybe he could do a live news conference
Speaker 1: about it, about new people to make his decisions. Just
Speaker 1: keep him talking every week forty five minutes any topic,
Speaker 1: because he still has got it. They just haven't let
Speaker 1: him show it off. And I might circle back to
Speaker 1: the beginning of this and add that after several years
Speaker 1: of things like the other guy calling himself me, they
Speaker 1: actually management at MSNBC, that is, told me that it
Speaker 1: was now my choice. I could anchor the elections and
Speaker 1: primaries solo going forward, or we could keep the other
Speaker 1: guy as my co anchor. And I said keep him.
Speaker 1: I mean, other than those gaffes, he really knows his stuff.
Speaker 1: And man, those gafs are really funny. You guys ever
Speaker 1: thought of trying to get them sponsored by advertisers? Also
Speaker 1: of interest here, of course, if I invoke Chris Matthews,
Speaker 1: there must be a Chuck Todd story. Well, who could
Speaker 1: make the Biden situation worse. Who could suck the humanity
Speaker 1: out of it, the tragedy even and try to make
Speaker 1: Biden look petty and selfish and merely wind up doing
Speaker 1: that only to himself. Who the hell do you think
Speaker 1: could do that, Chuck Todd, That's who. That's next countdown.
Speaker 1: This is countdown with Keith Oldwoman. Presidents may rise and fall,
Speaker 1: but there are always new idiots to talk about. The
Speaker 1: daily roundup of the miscrants, morons and Dunning Krueger effects
Speaker 1: specimens who constitute today's worst persons in the world, the
Speaker 1: brons worse. Chuck Todd still lurking over in the basement
Speaker 1: at NBC News. He still goes to work even after
Speaker 1: they fired his ass or meet the press. And I
Speaker 1: know this might be seen as somewhat hypocritical of me,
Speaker 1: giving what my open commentary was, but still, Chuck Todd sucks.
Speaker 1: Listen to this clip from his podcast about the president's
Speaker 1: decision to stay in the race.
Speaker 3: It has made me want to rethink a lot of
Speaker 3: the Biden biography. I still can't believe he ran for
Speaker 3: president in the first place, given that his family was
Speaker 3: in crisis in twenty eighteen. That you look at what
Speaker 3: has happened. I can't believe he put his family through
Speaker 3: this and now looking at his behavior now and clinging
Speaker 3: to this, I you know, I think the entire narrative
Speaker 3: on Joe Biden is going to change, and that he
Speaker 3: was he's always been. Everything has been about his ambition,
Speaker 3: and his ambition comes first.
Speaker 1: This isn't bad enough that Chuck doesn't have to project
Speaker 1: his own failures, his own selfishness on a man who's
Speaker 1: actually served this nation. Chuck Todd is a bitter and
Speaker 1: broken man. The runner up, and yes, these last two
Speaker 1: would be in the matter of comic relief, wors sir.
Speaker 1: The Toronto newspaper, the Globe and Mail, proving again the
Speaker 1: value of sentence construction and the placement of commas and
Speaker 1: semi colons and all that kind of stuff. Right there
Speaker 1: there was a picture of the cargo ship the Dolly,
Speaker 1: knocking down the Francis Scott Key Bridge in Baltimore Harbor,
Speaker 1: with crumpled girders sitting on its bow. The headline that
Speaker 1: the Globe and Mail added, Baltimore Bridge collapse. Survivor recounts
Speaker 1: fighting for his life in NBC interview After this week,
Speaker 1: I think we all know how that poor NBC interviewee
Speaker 1: felt Paul's fighting for his life in an NBC interview.
Speaker 1: But our winner, the worst Congresswoman Lauren Bobert, caught on
Speaker 1: May twelfth. It turns out Mother's Day doing eighty four
Speaker 1: in a sixty five mile an hour zone by the
Speaker 1: Colorado State Patrol at Vale Pass. They gave her a
Speaker 1: speeding ticket, told her to pay one hundred and seventy
Speaker 1: four dollars and fifty cents, and she was supposed to
Speaker 1: pay it by July third, and guess what she didn't
Speaker 1: a scoff law. She now has a court appearance scheduled
Speaker 1: for July twenty sixth. Well, I'm just going to assume
Speaker 1: here that she at that court appearance will be explaining
Speaker 1: to the judge that the speeding was accidental because she
Speaker 1: isn't good at handling a stick. Lauren Bobert, get a grip.
Speaker 1: Two Day's worst person in the world.
Speaker 3: That's here it for the ball. Let's get the boy.
Speaker 1: Fridays with Thurber and the Works of the Master, and
Speaker 1: one I have not read to you here before but
Speaker 1: is one of my favorites because it is well you'll
Speaker 1: Fridays with Thurber and the Macbeth Murder Mystery by James Thurber.
Speaker 1: It was a stupid mistake to make, said the American woman.
Speaker 1: I had met at my hotel in the English Lake Country.
Speaker 1: But it was on the counter with the other Penguin books,
Speaker 1: the little sixpenny ones, you know, with the paper covers,
Speaker 1: and I supposed, of course it was a detective story.
Speaker 1: All the others were detective stories. I'd read all the others,
Speaker 1: so I bought this one without really looking at it carefully.
Speaker 1: You can imagine how mad I was when I found
Speaker 1: it was Shakespeare. I murmured something sympathetically. I don't see
Speaker 1: why the Penguin Books people had to get out Shakespeare's
Speaker 1: plays in the same size and everything as the detective stories.
Speaker 1: Went on. My companion, I think they have different colored jackets,
Speaker 1: I said, well, I didn't notice that, she said. Anyway,
Speaker 1: I got real comfy in bed that night and all
Speaker 1: ready to read a good mystery story. And here I
Speaker 1: had the track. If Macbeth a book for high school students,
Speaker 1: like like ivan Hoe or Lorna Doone, I said, exactly,
Speaker 1: said the American lady. And I was just crazy for
Speaker 1: a good Agatha Christie or something. Ercule Poirot is my
Speaker 1: favorite detective. Is he the Rabbity one, I asked, Oh, no,
Speaker 1: said my crime fiction expert. He's the Belgian one you're
Speaker 1: thinking of, mister Pinkerton, the one that helps Inspector Bull.
Speaker 1: He's good too. Over her second cup of tea, my
Speaker 1: companion began to tell me the plot of a detective
Speaker 1: story that had fooled her completely. It seems it was
Speaker 1: the old family doctor all the time. But I cut
Speaker 1: in on her. Tell me, I said, did you read Macbeth?
Speaker 1: I had to read it, She said, there wasn't a
Speaker 1: scrap of anything else to read in the whole room.
Speaker 1: Did you like it, I asked, No, I did not,
Speaker 1: She said decisively in the first place, I don't think
Speaker 1: for a moment that Macbeth did it. I looked at
Speaker 1: her blankly. Did what I asked? I don't think for
Speaker 1: a moment that he killed the king? She said, I
Speaker 1: don't think the Macbeth woman was mixed up in it either.
Speaker 1: You suspect them the most, of course, but those are
Speaker 1: the ones that are never guilty, or shouldn't be anyway.
Speaker 1: I'm afraid I began that I but don't you see,
Speaker 1: said the American lady. It would spoil everything if you
Speaker 1: could figure out right away who did it. Shakespeare was
Speaker 1: too smart for that. I've read that people never have
Speaker 1: figured out Hamlet, so it isn't likely Shakespeare would have
Speaker 1: made Macbeth as simple as it seems. I thought this
Speaker 1: over while I filled my pipe. Who do you suspect?
Speaker 1: I asked suddenly, Macduff, she said promptly. Good God, I
Speaker 1: whispered softly. Oh McDuff did it all right, said the
Speaker 1: murder specialist. Erkuo Paro would have gotten him easily. How
Speaker 1: did you figure it out? I demanded, Well, she said
Speaker 1: I didn't right away. First I suspected Banquo, and then
Speaker 1: of course he was the second person killed. That was
Speaker 1: good right in there that part. The person you suspect
Speaker 1: of the first murder should always be the second victim.
Speaker 1: Is that so, I murmured. Oh, yes, said my informant.
Speaker 1: They had to keep surprising you well after the second murder.
Speaker 1: I didn't know who the killer was for a while. Uh.
Speaker 1: How about Malcolm and Donald Bain, the King's sons, I asked,
Speaker 1: as I remember it, they fled right after the first murder.
Speaker 1: That looks suspicious. Too suspicious, said the American lady, much
Speaker 1: too suspicious. When they flee, they're never guilty. You can
Speaker 1: count that, I believe. I said, I'll have a brandy,
Speaker 1: and I summoned the waiter. My companion leaned toward me,
Speaker 1: her eyes bright, her teacup quivering. Do you know who
Speaker 1: discovered Duncan's body? She demanded? I said, I was sorry,
Speaker 1: but I had forgotten McDuff discovers it, she said, slipping
Speaker 1: into the historical present. Then he comes running downstairs and shouts,
Speaker 1: confusion has broke open the Lord's anointed temple, and sacrilegious
Speaker 1: murder has made his masterpiece, and on and on like that.
Speaker 1: The good lady tapped me on the knee. All that
Speaker 1: stuff was rehearsed. She said, you wouldn't say a lot
Speaker 1: of stuff like that offhand, would you, if you'd found
Speaker 1: a body. She fixed me with a glittering eye. I began,
Speaker 1: you're right, She said, you wouldn't unless you had practiced
Speaker 1: it in advance. My god, there's a body in here
Speaker 1: is what an innocent man would say. She sat back
Speaker 1: with a confident glare. I thought, for a while, but
Speaker 1: what do you make of the third murderer, I asked,
Speaker 1: You know the third murderer has puzzled Macbeth's scholars for
Speaker 1: three hundred years. That's because they never thought of McDuff,
Speaker 1: said the American lady. It was McDuff. I'm certain you
Speaker 1: couldn't have one of the victims murdered by two ordinary thugs.
Speaker 1: The murderer always has to be somebody important. But what
Speaker 1: about the banquet scene, I asked, after a moment, how
Speaker 1: do you account for Macbeth's guilty actions there when Banquo's
Speaker 1: ghosts came in and sat in his chair. The lady
Speaker 1: leaned forward and tapped me on the knee again. There
Speaker 1: wasn't any ghost, she said. A big strong man like
Speaker 1: that doesn't go around seeing ghosts, especially in a brightly
Speaker 1: lighted banquet hall with dozens of people around. Macbeth was
Speaker 1: shielding somebody. Who was he shielding, I asked, missus Macbeth.
Speaker 1: Of course, she said, he thought she did it, and
Speaker 1: he was going to take the rap himself. The husband
Speaker 1: always does that when the wife is suspected. But what
Speaker 1: I demanded about the sleepwalking scene, then the same thing,
Speaker 1: only the other way around, said my companion. That time
Speaker 1: she was shielding him. She wasn't asleep at all. Do
Speaker 1: you remember where it says enter lady Macbeth with a taper? Yes,
Speaker 1: I said, Well, people who walk in their sleep never
Speaker 1: carry lights, said my fellow traveler. They have a second sight.
Speaker 1: Did you ever hear of a sleepwalker carrying a light? No,
Speaker 1: I said, I never did. Well, then she wasn't asleep.
Speaker 1: She was acting guilty to shield Macbeth. I think, I said,
Speaker 1: I'll have another brandy, and I called the waiter. When
Speaker 1: he brought it, I drank it rapidly and rose to go.
Speaker 1: I believe I said that you have got hold of something.
Speaker 1: Would you lend me that? Macbeth. I'd like to look
Speaker 1: it over tonight. I don't feel somehow as if I've
Speaker 1: ever really read it. I'll get it for you, she said,
Speaker 1: but you'll find that I'm right. I read the play
Speaker 1: over carefully that night, and the next morning, after breakfast,
Speaker 1: I sought out the American woman. She was on the
Speaker 1: putting green, and I came up behind her silently and
Speaker 1: took her arm. She gave an exclamation. Could I see
Speaker 1: you alone? I asked in a low voice. She nodded
Speaker 1: cautiously and followed me to a secluded spot. You've found
Speaker 1: out something, she breathed. I've found out, I said, triumphantly,
Speaker 1: the name of the murderer. You mean it wasn't McDuff,
Speaker 1: She said. McDuff is as innocent of those murders, I said,
Speaker 1: as Macbeth and the Macbeth woman. I opened the copy
Speaker 1: of the play which I had with me, and turned
Speaker 1: to act too seem to hear, I said, you will
Speaker 1: see where Lady Macbeth says, I laid their daggers ready.
Speaker 1: He could not miss him. Had he not resembled my
Speaker 1: father as he slept, I had done it. Do you
Speaker 1: see no, said the American woman bluntly. I don't. But
Speaker 1: it's simple, I exclaimed. I wonder I didn't see it
Speaker 1: years ago. The reason Duncan resembled Lady Macbeth's father as
Speaker 1: he slept is that it actually was her father. Good God,
Speaker 1: breathed my companion softly. Lady Macbeth's father killed the king,
Speaker 1: I said, and, hearing someone coming, thrust the body under
Speaker 1: the bed and crawled into the bed himself. But said
Speaker 1: the lady, you can't have a murder who only appears
Speaker 1: in the story once. You can't have that I know that,
Speaker 1: I said, and I turned to Act two, Scene four.
Speaker 1: It says, here enter Ross with an old man. Now
Speaker 1: that old man is never identified, and it is my
Speaker 1: contention that he was old mister Macbeth, whose ambition it
Speaker 1: was to make his daughter queen. There you'll have your motive.
Speaker 1: But even then, cried the American lady, he's still a
Speaker 1: minor character, not, I said, gleefully when you realize that
Speaker 1: he was also one of the weird sisters in disguise.
Speaker 1: You mean, one of those three witches. Precisely, I said,
Speaker 1: listen to this speech of the old man's. On Tuesday last,
Speaker 1: a falcon towering in her pride of place was by
Speaker 1: a mousing owl, hawked at and killed. Who does that
Speaker 1: sound like? It sounds like the way the three witches talk,
Speaker 1: said my companion reluctantly. Precisely, I said, again, Well, said
Speaker 1: the American woman. Maybe you're right, but I'm sure I am,
Speaker 1: I said. And do you know what I'm going to
Speaker 1: do now? No, she said, what buy a copy of Hamlet?
Speaker 1: I said, and solve that. My companion's eyes brightened. Then
Speaker 1: she said, you don't think Hamlet did it? I am?
Speaker 1: I said, absolutely positive, he did not, but who she demanded,
Speaker 1: who do you suspect? I looked at her cryptically, everybody,
Speaker 1: I said, and disappeared into a small grove of trees
Speaker 1: as silently as I had come. The Macbeth Murder Mystery
Speaker 1: by James Thurber. I've done all the damage I can
Speaker 1: do here. Thank you for listening. Maybe by Tuesday I'll
Speaker 1: figured this out. Probably not. Countdown. Musical directors Brian Ray
Speaker 1: and John Phillip Schanelle arranged, produced, and performed most of
Speaker 1: our music. Mister Ray was on the guitars, bass and drums,
Speaker 1: and mister Chanelle handled orchestration and keyboards. Produced by Tko Brothers.
Speaker 1: Other music, including some of the Beethoven compositions, arranged and
Speaker 1: performed by No Horns Allowed. Sports music is the Olderman
Speaker 1: theme from ESPN two, written by Mitch Warren Davis Curtisy
Speaker 1: of ESPN inc. Our satirical and pithy musical comments are
Speaker 1: by Nancy Fauss. The best baseball stadium morganist ever our
Speaker 1: announcer today is my friend Jonathan Banks. Everything else was
Speaker 1: pretty much my fault. So that's countdown for this the
Speaker 1: one hundred and seventeenth day until the twenty twenty four
Speaker 1: presidential election. Now, wouldn't it be funny if over the
Speaker 1: weekend Trump dropped out or was dropped out. It's also
Speaker 1: the eighty second day since convicted felon Donald J. Trump's
Speaker 1: first attempted coup against the democratically elected government of the
Speaker 1: United States. Use the September eighteenth sentencing hearing. Use the
Speaker 1: mental health system, mister president, you've got it. Use presidential
Speaker 1: immunity against Trump to stop him from doing it again
Speaker 1: while we still can put the toothpaste back in his tube.
Speaker 1: You know what I mean. The next scheduled countdown he
Speaker 1: is Tuesday bulletins is the news requires till then, I'm
Speaker 1: Keith Olberman. I'm going to go think good morning, good afternoon,
Speaker 1: good night, and good luck. Countdown with Keith Olderman is
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