1 00:00:01,320 --> 00:00:04,600 Speaker 1: Hey, lady, is doctor dim here. If you like this 2 00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:07,240 Speaker 1: show and you want to make your own, let me 3 00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:10,840 Speaker 1: tell you about the free platform Anchor. It's a creation 4 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,800 Speaker 1: tool that allows you to record and edit your podcast 5 00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:17,280 Speaker 1: right from your phone or computer. You can add songs 6 00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:21,000 Speaker 1: from Spotify and create any type of content that you 7 00:00:21,079 --> 00:00:24,400 Speaker 1: are looking for. Anchor will distribute it all for you 8 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:28,440 Speaker 1: so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and more. 9 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:32,080 Speaker 1: Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor dot 10 00:00:32,159 --> 00:00:33,800 Speaker 1: fm to get started. 11 00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:35,120 Speaker 2: On this week's episode. 12 00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:40,360 Speaker 1: In her Space, so where we feel we know that 13 00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:45,040 Speaker 1: we are being seen, that we are being heard. That 14 00:00:45,120 --> 00:00:51,680 Speaker 1: creates safety, and when you feel safe, it allows you 15 00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:56,040 Speaker 1: to open up and be your most authentic self. Welcome 16 00:00:56,120 --> 00:00:59,880 Speaker 1: to her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting women like you. 17 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:06,200 Speaker 1: We're your hosts, Doctor Dominique Brussard, a college professor and psychologist. 18 00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:09,520 Speaker 2: And Terry Lomax, a techy and motivational speaker. In a 19 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:13,720 Speaker 2: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood, please 20 00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:17,880 Speaker 2: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from 21 00:01:17,959 --> 00:01:20,920 Speaker 2: fibroids to fake friends, and create a safe space where 22 00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:22,000 Speaker 2: black women can just. 23 00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:28,440 Speaker 1: Be all right, ladies, So our quote of the day 24 00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:33,840 Speaker 1: comes from Renee Brown. The energy that exists between people 25 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:38,839 Speaker 1: when they feel seen, heard, and valued, when they can 26 00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:44,040 Speaker 1: give and receive without judgment, and when they derive sustenance 27 00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:49,720 Speaker 1: and strength from the relationship. That's about connection. That's Brene 28 00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:54,040 Speaker 1: Brown's definition of connection, and I think it lends well 29 00:01:54,240 --> 00:02:00,360 Speaker 1: into our topic for today, social anxiety. We check our stats, right, 30 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:04,320 Speaker 1: and one of the things that we have noticed is 31 00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:09,920 Speaker 1: that one of our most popular episodes is the episode 32 00:02:09,919 --> 00:02:12,720 Speaker 1: on how to Thrive in the World as an Introvert. 33 00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:22,960 Speaker 1: Oftentimes people confuse being an introvert with being shy and 34 00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:27,919 Speaker 1: having social anxiety. So today I want us to kind 35 00:02:27,919 --> 00:02:30,640 Speaker 1: of talk about like one like we'll talk about what's 36 00:02:30,639 --> 00:02:34,880 Speaker 1: that difference between being an introvert and having social anxiety 37 00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:39,359 Speaker 1: disorder versus also being shy, And then we'll kind of 38 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:41,480 Speaker 1: talk about, like what are some of the tips that 39 00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:44,160 Speaker 1: can help someone manage and of course, you know we 40 00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:47,560 Speaker 1: got some good stories, right are you ready to dive 41 00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:48,520 Speaker 1: into Let's do it. 42 00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:49,280 Speaker 2: Let's do it? 43 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:53,200 Speaker 1: Okay, So as we're talking about it, like I'm looking 44 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:56,840 Speaker 1: at your facial expression, and as we're talking about social anxiety, 45 00:02:57,480 --> 00:03:02,240 Speaker 1: what comes up for you when you hear the word 46 00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:03,280 Speaker 1: social anxiety. 47 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:06,240 Speaker 2: I am not gonna lie. I feel very anxious right now, 48 00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:09,320 Speaker 2: and I'm actually, I don't know, it's weird. I feel 49 00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:11,480 Speaker 2: like a little emotional. I feel a little anxious, and 50 00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:15,160 Speaker 2: I'm reading over this little article about social anxiety, and 51 00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:17,080 Speaker 2: it takes me back to a place where I was 52 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:21,280 Speaker 2: very socially anxious. It still happens today, like from time 53 00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:23,440 Speaker 2: to time, but I remember a time when I mean, 54 00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:26,520 Speaker 2: donmad was bad and I was never diagnosed. I just 55 00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:29,000 Speaker 2: thought I was like paranoid or I thought it was 56 00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:30,720 Speaker 2: just me like having a low self esteem based on 57 00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:32,760 Speaker 2: what I've been through. But god, I'm reading this and 58 00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:34,520 Speaker 2: I'm like, oh, this is my damn life right here. 59 00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:35,280 Speaker 1: So I see. 60 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:38,560 Speaker 2: Social anxiety is the fear of being judged and evaluated 61 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:43,040 Speaker 2: negatively by other people, leading to feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, 62 00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:46,880 Speaker 2: self consciousness, embarrassment, humiliation, and depression. I was like, oh, 63 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:50,160 Speaker 2: my gosh, And I think about when I was in college, 64 00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:52,760 Speaker 2: and if you haven't listened to any of our other episodes, 65 00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:55,000 Speaker 2: I feel like I say this a billion one times, 66 00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:57,400 Speaker 2: but I realized that everyone doesn't listen to every single 67 00:03:57,400 --> 00:04:02,400 Speaker 2: episode so I can totally see how my childhood created 68 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:05,720 Speaker 2: the perfect environment for me to be a socially anxious person. 69 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,720 Speaker 1: All right, So tell me more about that, Like, what 70 00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:13,440 Speaker 1: was your childhood like that created this fear of being 71 00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:17,880 Speaker 1: judged or running away from like embarrassment. 72 00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:21,200 Speaker 2: Yes, I just I grew up in a very critical household, 73 00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:24,280 Speaker 2: a very toxic household that was also very violent, and 74 00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:27,000 Speaker 2: so for me, I found that I often had to 75 00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:30,719 Speaker 2: walk on eggshells. I had to behave a certain way, 76 00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:32,679 Speaker 2: be a certain way so that I wouldn't be judged, 77 00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:35,880 Speaker 2: so I wouldn't get hit, so I wouldn't be criticized. 78 00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:38,960 Speaker 2: And so I learned to act at a certain way to 79 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:42,080 Speaker 2: keep myself safe at home. But then that also made 80 00:04:42,080 --> 00:04:43,919 Speaker 2: me show up in the world a certain way because 81 00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:45,160 Speaker 2: of the things that happened at home. 82 00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:47,920 Speaker 1: Does that make sense, Yeah, that makes perfect sense. So 83 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:52,680 Speaker 1: you were We all are built for survival. Mm hmm. 84 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:58,599 Speaker 1: No matter how it shows up, we are built for survival. 85 00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:02,080 Speaker 1: And the thing is is that as we get older, 86 00:05:02,839 --> 00:05:07,560 Speaker 1: we learn about healthier ways to cope, and we can 87 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:12,520 Speaker 1: reflect back, like you're doing now, on times when we 88 00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:16,240 Speaker 1: did things for survival that laid the foundation for who 89 00:05:16,279 --> 00:05:22,320 Speaker 1: we are now that don't serve us well today, Yeah 90 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:25,760 Speaker 1: that makes sense, but they helped protect us back. 91 00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:27,880 Speaker 2: Then exactly, which I think is when we get to 92 00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:29,600 Speaker 2: a place in our journey where we can realize that. 93 00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:31,280 Speaker 2: I think, and we talked about this before. I think 94 00:05:31,279 --> 00:05:34,720 Speaker 2: it's important for us to honor ourselves and like, thank 95 00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:38,680 Speaker 2: your younger self for saving you, for you know, being quiet, 96 00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:40,560 Speaker 2: for being timid, for doing what you had to do 97 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:43,120 Speaker 2: to survive, and then letting yourself know like you don't 98 00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:44,560 Speaker 2: have to do that anymore. What are we going to 99 00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:46,560 Speaker 2: do now? But one thing I would love to do, 100 00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:48,400 Speaker 2: don if you've experienced this, is well, I love to 101 00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:51,240 Speaker 2: walk through like what those thoughts were, What were those 102 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:54,200 Speaker 2: feelings in the moment, because when I look at them now, 103 00:05:54,839 --> 00:05:57,680 Speaker 2: they seem so irrational, they seem so silly. And I 104 00:05:57,720 --> 00:05:59,960 Speaker 2: also thought I was the only person struggling with this. 105 00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:02,039 Speaker 2: I thought it was fucking crazy. I was like, what's 106 00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:04,720 Speaker 2: wrong with me? Like this doesn't seem normal? And so 107 00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:08,760 Speaker 2: what I remember very vividly walking across camps and on 108 00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:10,680 Speaker 2: the college campus, and I remember walking around and I 109 00:06:10,720 --> 00:06:12,960 Speaker 2: would see a group of people and I'd be thinking, 110 00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:15,760 Speaker 2: oh my god, they're looking at me, they're talking about me. 111 00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:18,440 Speaker 2: I would also walk and I would wonder to myself, 112 00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:20,680 Speaker 2: like this is gonna sound. I feel I gonna just 113 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:23,080 Speaker 2: put myself way out there. If you, if this resonates 114 00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:24,640 Speaker 2: with you, please let me know, because I feel like 115 00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:26,120 Speaker 2: I don't want to just I don't want to just 116 00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:28,599 Speaker 2: put my whole stuff on the table. Okay, right, girl, 117 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:30,520 Speaker 2: I would sit or I would I would walk and 118 00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:33,080 Speaker 2: I would be like I would literally I don't know 119 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:34,760 Speaker 2: if Google was popping the way that it is today, 120 00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:36,440 Speaker 2: I don't know if I would have googled this then, 121 00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:39,960 Speaker 2: but if Google was popping, I would have googled, like 122 00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:42,000 Speaker 2: what do people think about when they walk? Like I 123 00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:45,360 Speaker 2: literally just didn't know, Like what do I even what 124 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:47,440 Speaker 2: do I think about? Because my thoughts were so negative 125 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:49,240 Speaker 2: that I'm like, why that's not working? So like, what 126 00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:51,280 Speaker 2: do what do you think about when you when you're 127 00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:53,000 Speaker 2: walking into a room where I have on heels one 128 00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:55,320 Speaker 2: day and I'm dressing up for class, Like I don't even know. 129 00:06:57,000 --> 00:07:01,000 Speaker 1: So all right, So when you were walking across campus 130 00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:05,440 Speaker 1: and you saw a group of people, and the thoughts 131 00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:07,120 Speaker 1: that were running through your head. 132 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:11,000 Speaker 2: Were, oh my gosh, they're looking at me. I would 133 00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:13,880 Speaker 2: then think about the bad feelings I had about myself, like, oh, 134 00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:16,600 Speaker 2: I feel so I feel so dumb, I feel so stupid, 135 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:18,560 Speaker 2: I feel so ugly. They can probably see it too. 136 00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:20,360 Speaker 2: I mean, I would just go down the rabbit hole 137 00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:22,800 Speaker 2: of all these different thoughts that I was having, and 138 00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:25,440 Speaker 2: I'd be really nervous and just I would walk different. 139 00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:26,800 Speaker 2: Or if I was like at lunch and it was 140 00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:29,480 Speaker 2: a lot of people, especially people with bigger personalities, I 141 00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:31,520 Speaker 2: would be like I would eat a certain way, or 142 00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:33,800 Speaker 2: I'd just be like very very self conscious, like oh 143 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:34,480 Speaker 2: my gosh. 144 00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:37,640 Speaker 1: So here's the thing. So when you were walking across 145 00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:40,880 Speaker 1: campus and you'd see that group, would you still walk 146 00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:43,600 Speaker 1: past that group even though the negative thoughts were going on? 147 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:49,120 Speaker 1: Or would you intentionally avoid or divert yourself so that 148 00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:52,559 Speaker 1: you wouldn't have to walk past them and face their 149 00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:53,600 Speaker 1: potential scrutiny. 150 00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:55,960 Speaker 2: Oh there have been both. So there have been situations 151 00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,080 Speaker 2: where I'm definitely like, oh, let me avoid this situation, 152 00:07:58,160 --> 00:08:00,000 Speaker 2: let me go the other way, or I kind of 153 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:01,640 Speaker 2: and they just couldn't, and I was like, all right, 154 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:03,720 Speaker 2: let me just walk past. I did to put on 155 00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:06,200 Speaker 2: music or one of my things. One of my like, uh, 156 00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:08,440 Speaker 2: I guess crutches back then was like to talk to 157 00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:11,120 Speaker 2: my best friend on the phone or call somebody. You 158 00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:12,800 Speaker 2: know how you walk past a group of guys sometimes 159 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:14,320 Speaker 2: you're like, oh shit, let me get on the phone, 160 00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:16,720 Speaker 2: or I'm on the phone right exactly because like you 161 00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:18,480 Speaker 2: don't want them to say anything to you, or you 162 00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:21,680 Speaker 2: just feel self conscious or whatever that is. I really 163 00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:23,840 Speaker 2: remember that. And then also being in class, the same 164 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:26,640 Speaker 2: thing came up it's time to speak. I would be like, 165 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:29,119 Speaker 2: oh my gosh, my heart is beating out of my chest. 166 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:32,040 Speaker 2: I'm feeling like I'm shaking my voice. I felt like 167 00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:34,560 Speaker 2: a frog in my throat. I can't speak. I mean, 168 00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:37,080 Speaker 2: it was bad. And I even just thinking about it 169 00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:39,880 Speaker 2: kind of bring some of that back. Like it was intense. 170 00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:42,720 Speaker 1: And so I think what I want, because what I 171 00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:47,079 Speaker 1: want to do is differentiate people who have those experiences 172 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:51,200 Speaker 1: because we all do right, and someone who truly has 173 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:55,000 Speaker 1: social anxiety disorder. Yeah, And so the thing is is 174 00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:57,960 Speaker 1: that as you were talking, and you were talking, you 175 00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:00,200 Speaker 1: were saying, you know, like I have to get up 176 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:02,120 Speaker 1: and I had to give a presentation in front of class, 177 00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:04,439 Speaker 1: and like I would feel sick or I would feel 178 00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:08,000 Speaker 1: like I would feel anxious and not wanting to do it. 179 00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:11,920 Speaker 1: Most of us will feel that, right. Most of us 180 00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:16,040 Speaker 1: will experience that at least once in life of having 181 00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:21,000 Speaker 1: to that feeling of dread, of fear of having to 182 00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:23,720 Speaker 1: get up in front of a crowd, whether it's in class, 183 00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:27,920 Speaker 1: whether it's a conference, whatever it is in church, whatever 184 00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:31,840 Speaker 1: the scenario, feeling nervous about getting up in front of 185 00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:36,640 Speaker 1: a crowd. Right, the person who truly has social anxiety disorder, 186 00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:41,400 Speaker 1: it will be debilitating. So it will be to the 187 00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:44,920 Speaker 1: point where either they'll get up and they do it 188 00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:48,720 Speaker 1: and you hear their voice shaking the entire time, right, 189 00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:53,600 Speaker 1: or you see them dripping in sweat the entire time, 190 00:09:55,040 --> 00:10:02,160 Speaker 1: or they may intentionally avoid having to do it, so 191 00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:07,240 Speaker 1: they will find sometimes maybe dramatic ways to get out 192 00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:10,920 Speaker 1: of it. An easy way to think about it is 193 00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:15,160 Speaker 1: or an easy example to think about. On a college campus, 194 00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:19,160 Speaker 1: like you were talking about, you have a presentation in class. 195 00:10:19,559 --> 00:10:25,080 Speaker 1: Someone with social anxiety disorder may intentionally skip class that 196 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:29,640 Speaker 1: day so that they don't have to do the assignment, 197 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:36,280 Speaker 1: and they would rather get an f on that assignment 198 00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:43,680 Speaker 1: than risk the embarrassment, the potential embarrassment of having to 199 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:46,720 Speaker 1: get up in front of their peers. And this happens 200 00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:49,360 Speaker 1: on multiple occasions. 201 00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:55,800 Speaker 2: So it sounds like the distinction between actually having social 202 00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:59,640 Speaker 2: anxiety disorder is the debilitating aspect and the way to 203 00:10:59,679 --> 00:11:03,800 Speaker 2: impact life. But people can still experience some of those 204 00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:08,319 Speaker 2: symptoms and maybe maybe struggle with it not as on 205 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:11,400 Speaker 2: that same so not to the point where it's debilitating. 206 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:15,520 Speaker 1: So I can think about for myself that there have 207 00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:19,880 Speaker 1: been moments where and honestly, anytime I have to give 208 00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:23,160 Speaker 1: a presentation, no matter how many times I've prepped for, 209 00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:30,480 Speaker 1: no matter how many times I have given that same topic, 210 00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:36,840 Speaker 1: right before presentation, I get the you know, the the 211 00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:41,200 Speaker 1: in layman's terms, like butterflies in my stomach and maybe 212 00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:45,079 Speaker 1: I can't eat, and then I have to like give 213 00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:48,720 Speaker 1: myself like a pep talk and engage in some deep 214 00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:53,880 Speaker 1: breathing so that I can get up there and get 215 00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:54,839 Speaker 1: through the presentation. 216 00:11:56,360 --> 00:11:59,480 Speaker 2: Do you ever or have you ever experienced it within 217 00:11:59,559 --> 00:12:01,800 Speaker 2: like social groups, so whether it's like a certain group 218 00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:06,280 Speaker 2: of people or in certain settings, because I notice even today, 219 00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:09,520 Speaker 2: like I've pushed through a lot of things that have 220 00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:12,720 Speaker 2: been uncomfortable, and so I think a lot of this 221 00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:16,280 Speaker 2: that I experienced in school. I've learned to like find 222 00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:19,679 Speaker 2: coping mechanisms and learn to like build that muscle. But 223 00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:22,600 Speaker 2: there are still times today where I'll be, like networking events, 224 00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:26,040 Speaker 2: I'm like, girls, that's not my it's not my. I can, 225 00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:28,360 Speaker 2: I can, here's the thing. I can go in and 226 00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:31,120 Speaker 2: I can be a badass networker and do all that, 227 00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:34,280 Speaker 2: But it takes so much mental preparation in advance. I'm 228 00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:38,760 Speaker 2: talking like visualization, meditation, I come. And we talked about 229 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:41,320 Speaker 2: this on one of our last episodes, right about networking. 230 00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:42,680 Speaker 2: Was it the introvert episode? 231 00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:43,400 Speaker 1: I think it was. 232 00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:45,280 Speaker 2: I think so because we didn't do it on networking 233 00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:47,480 Speaker 2: not so yeah, on that episode where you come in 234 00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:50,240 Speaker 2: with your conversation starters. I mean the amount of mental 235 00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:52,160 Speaker 2: prep that takes. It takes a lot for. 236 00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:53,040 Speaker 1: Me to be able to do that. 237 00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:55,600 Speaker 2: But I don't. I wouldn't choose to just go into 238 00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:58,560 Speaker 2: a networking event, you know, on a whim, that's just 239 00:12:58,600 --> 00:12:59,360 Speaker 2: not my thing. 240 00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:06,720 Speaker 1: I used to avoid those because I was afraid, Like 241 00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:10,240 Speaker 1: I had that fear of what if I'm going to 242 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:14,040 Speaker 1: be rejected in this space? What if I'm not good enough? 243 00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:16,440 Speaker 1: So like I would also kind of deal with that 244 00:13:16,520 --> 00:13:22,160 Speaker 1: imposter syndrome, and so networking was not my thing. Like 245 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:24,120 Speaker 1: you said, like I've had to work out, I've had 246 00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:27,079 Speaker 1: to build that muscle to get better at it. And 247 00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:33,880 Speaker 1: so for me, sometimes I may flippantly say, yeah, I 248 00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:39,840 Speaker 1: have social anxiety disorder. I don't like I experience social 249 00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:44,280 Speaker 1: anxiety in certain situations, but I don't have the disorder 250 00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:49,480 Speaker 1: because it's not debilitating, it's not keeping me from going 251 00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:53,040 Speaker 1: to work, it's not keeping me from engaging with other people. 252 00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:53,640 Speaker 2: Gotcha. 253 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:57,679 Speaker 1: So about the latest stats that I saw said about 254 00:13:57,720 --> 00:14:03,760 Speaker 1: seven percent of Americans experience social anxiety disorder, like literally 255 00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:09,439 Speaker 1: to the point that it's diagnosable. A larger, much larger 256 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:14,199 Speaker 1: percentage of us experience those the symptoms to some degree, 257 00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:18,839 Speaker 1: and we usually get through it. 258 00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:22,440 Speaker 2: It's interesting because I think about social anxiety. I would 259 00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:25,040 Speaker 2: agree with you, like I have instances where I experience it, 260 00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:31,960 Speaker 2: but definitely don't have the disorder. And I think about why. 261 00:14:32,560 --> 00:14:37,280 Speaker 2: Like you said something about fear of being rejected, I 262 00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:40,400 Speaker 2: think I definitely resonate with that, but also I have 263 00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:43,240 Speaker 2: come to accept this now. But like I am very 264 00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:46,840 Speaker 2: we all have idiosyncrasies, and I'm quirky and super awkward 265 00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:49,840 Speaker 2: at times and just like random. And I wasn't very 266 00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:51,640 Speaker 2: comfortable with that growing up, so I felt like I 267 00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:54,560 Speaker 2: had to hide that part of myself. But I think 268 00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:56,440 Speaker 2: the more I got more comfortable with me, and I'm 269 00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:58,280 Speaker 2: just like, yo, I fuck with me, regardless of if 270 00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:00,480 Speaker 2: you like, whether you do or don't like, fuck with me, 271 00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:02,520 Speaker 2: because I look at the mirror today and I'm like, Yo, 272 00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:04,760 Speaker 2: this is what it is. This is yo, this is 273 00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:07,760 Speaker 2: what I love. All the weirdness, all the right quirkiness, 274 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:09,720 Speaker 2: all that, and so I feel like if we can 275 00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:12,240 Speaker 2: get to a place and this is for folks that 276 00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:16,120 Speaker 2: where in cases where it's not diagnosable right where we 277 00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:20,720 Speaker 2: can potentially do something beneficial to help us out in 278 00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:23,960 Speaker 2: that area. I think just being comfortable with you, I 279 00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:25,480 Speaker 2: think that can really help because I think a lot 280 00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:29,120 Speaker 2: of a lot of when I experience social anxiety, and 281 00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:30,600 Speaker 2: when I do, I think a lot of it stands 282 00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:34,000 Speaker 2: back to the discomfort with self and whether I'm going 283 00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:37,320 Speaker 2: to be rejected by this group or whatever. And now 284 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:40,600 Speaker 2: I embrace self deprecation. I'm no one that's usually talking 285 00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:43,200 Speaker 2: about myself like, oh my god, I'm so damn silly 286 00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:45,560 Speaker 2: or whatever, it might be right, and so it allows 287 00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:47,760 Speaker 2: me to I think shifting the perspective allows me to 288 00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:50,720 Speaker 2: use that as a tool in my toolbox. 289 00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:54,520 Speaker 1: Now. Yeah, so you own it right, you control your narrative, 290 00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:56,960 Speaker 1: and that makes it a lot easier. But I also 291 00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:59,760 Speaker 1: think that it goes back to our quote of the 292 00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:04,840 Speaker 1: day from Brene Brown about connection, right, that when we 293 00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:09,440 Speaker 1: are in spaces where we feel connected, so where we 294 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:13,160 Speaker 1: feel we know that we are being seen, that we 295 00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:20,480 Speaker 1: are being heard, that creates safety. And when you feel safe, 296 00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:23,920 Speaker 1: it allows you to open up and be your most 297 00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:29,800 Speaker 1: authentic self. So all those little quirks and idio secrecies 298 00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:35,040 Speaker 1: like those things are feel free to come out and 299 00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:41,440 Speaker 1: that those symptoms of social anxiety will tend to dissipate. Yeah, 300 00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:47,880 Speaker 1: and I think about too. You know, positive affirmations, meditation, 301 00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:51,040 Speaker 1: all those things that you listed are helpful. But when 302 00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:56,160 Speaker 1: it comes to like social anxiety one, if you have 303 00:16:56,240 --> 00:17:00,360 Speaker 1: a social anxiety disorder, I would say that's when you 304 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:03,400 Speaker 1: seek the help. You definitely seek the help of a 305 00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:07,560 Speaker 1: trained mental health provider and that way you can work 306 00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:14,639 Speaker 1: through with therapy. Oftentimes there's group therapy because if it's 307 00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:19,560 Speaker 1: about social anxiety, it's about your interactions with others. Group 308 00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:23,160 Speaker 1: therapy is the perfect place for that to help get 309 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:26,920 Speaker 1: over that because what it does is you develop social skills. 310 00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:31,280 Speaker 1: So there are multiple places that offer group therapy for 311 00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:36,520 Speaker 1: specifically social skills training, and it's like the safe space 312 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:41,640 Speaker 1: to practice those things, those interactions, those small conversations with 313 00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:45,679 Speaker 1: other people, and you can get the feedback in the 314 00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:52,000 Speaker 1: moment and it allows you to kind of mess up, pause, rewind, 315 00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:56,040 Speaker 1: start over, and you're practicing so that you can take 316 00:17:56,080 --> 00:17:58,399 Speaker 1: it out into the real world. But it's a safe 317 00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:02,280 Speaker 1: space to kind of practice and fail at it if 318 00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:05,720 Speaker 1: you want, and get up and try again, and you 319 00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:09,160 Speaker 1: have other people supporting you because they are going through 320 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:10,520 Speaker 1: the same thing. 321 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,919 Speaker 2: That is so cool. There's a safe space like that. 322 00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:16,200 Speaker 2: And I'd love to know how someone can get diagnosed. 323 00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:17,919 Speaker 2: I see some symptoms here, so I just want to 324 00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:21,280 Speaker 2: see if they resonate with you. It's funny even reading 325 00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:22,879 Speaker 2: this for myself, I'm just like, oh my gosh, my 326 00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:24,720 Speaker 2: heart is like pounding because I remember and I know 327 00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:27,440 Speaker 2: what it feels like to be so anxious in the situation. 328 00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:31,679 Speaker 2: But it says some of the symptoms include the emotional 329 00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:35,000 Speaker 2: distress that comes with the following situation, so being introduced 330 00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:38,560 Speaker 2: to other people, being teased y'or criticized, being the center 331 00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:43,280 Speaker 2: of attention, being watched while doing something, meeting people in 332 00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:49,040 Speaker 2: authority or important people. Most social interactions, especially with strangers 333 00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:51,520 Speaker 2: going around the room or table in a circle and 334 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:54,280 Speaker 2: have to say something. And then interpersonal relationships, so whether 335 00:18:54,359 --> 00:18:57,680 Speaker 2: friendships or romantic those are a few examples. And I'd 336 00:18:57,680 --> 00:18:59,960 Speaker 2: love to know if someone's listening and they're like, well, shoot, 337 00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:01,960 Speaker 2: that sounds like me. You know, we can all diagnose 338 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,600 Speaker 2: ourselves with Google these days, because I thought I had 339 00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:08,120 Speaker 2: a plenty of different disorders from Googling, going to web 340 00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:11,120 Speaker 2: d girl, what how is it? You know? 341 00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:18,840 Speaker 1: Away from beause they away? But I think the key 342 00:19:19,119 --> 00:19:25,919 Speaker 1: is that it goes back to is it causing significant 343 00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:29,280 Speaker 1: distress in your day to day life and is it 344 00:19:30,160 --> 00:19:34,919 Speaker 1: keeping you from being able to do your job to 345 00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:40,359 Speaker 1: interact with people? Like how debilitating? Is it really right? 346 00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:47,360 Speaker 1: Like I said, I can think of I would say 347 00:19:47,359 --> 00:19:50,960 Speaker 1: almost anybody in my life can think of at least 348 00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:59,000 Speaker 1: five times in their life when they were terrified of 349 00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:04,080 Speaker 1: having to speak in front of a crowd or give 350 00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:08,879 Speaker 1: a presentation in class or group, to be introduced to 351 00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:13,080 Speaker 1: an authority figure so or and when we say authority figure, 352 00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:15,720 Speaker 1: it doesn't necessarily even have to be someone in power. 353 00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:21,760 Speaker 1: It could be someone that they admired. Right, all of 354 00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:25,520 Speaker 1: us can think of like five times that has happened 355 00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:30,639 Speaker 1: to us. But lady, if you're listening, and you're the 356 00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:35,400 Speaker 1: person who will go out of your way to avoid 357 00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:42,360 Speaker 1: those situations. So let's say I don't know I love 358 00:20:42,359 --> 00:20:45,920 Speaker 1: Michelle Obama. Right, So let's say that I have social 359 00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:52,600 Speaker 1: anxiety disorder, and Terry, you got the hookup on backstage 360 00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:57,600 Speaker 1: passes to Auntie Shell's book tour, right right, and you 361 00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:02,240 Speaker 1: like dom like I know, oh, like Michelle is your girl, 362 00:21:02,359 --> 00:21:07,280 Speaker 1: like you've been dying to meet her. If I have 363 00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:14,480 Speaker 1: social anxiety disorder, there's a high likelihood that either I'm 364 00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:16,480 Speaker 1: gonna flake out at the last moment, like I may 365 00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:19,600 Speaker 1: be all excited like when you first introduce the topic 366 00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:24,360 Speaker 1: to me, but the day of I'm probably gonna flake out. 367 00:21:24,359 --> 00:21:27,560 Speaker 1: I'm gonna find some reason to be ill or say 368 00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:29,119 Speaker 1: that I'm ill so that I can back out of 369 00:21:29,119 --> 00:21:36,119 Speaker 1: the situation, or I'm gonna show up. But the entire time, 370 00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:43,639 Speaker 1: on the inside, I'm panicking. I'm probably feeling nauseous. I 371 00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:46,919 Speaker 1: may even throw up a couple of times. I probably 372 00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:51,440 Speaker 1: won't be able to eat, and if I do eat, 373 00:21:52,080 --> 00:21:56,240 Speaker 1: it may cause upset stomach, so not just vomiting, but diarrhea. 374 00:21:57,480 --> 00:22:01,440 Speaker 1: And it may be to the point where I can't 375 00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:08,080 Speaker 1: even meet Michelle because I am so I'm just not myself. 376 00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:11,600 Speaker 1: Maybe I'm sweating too much. Like there are so many 377 00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:15,200 Speaker 1: different things that may come up to prevent me from 378 00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:17,600 Speaker 1: being able to do it. That's how I know that 379 00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:20,679 Speaker 1: it would be a problem for me as opposed to 380 00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:26,439 Speaker 1: ooh girl, I'm so excited about meeting Michelle. I'm a 381 00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:30,400 Speaker 1: little nervous. My stomach might be a little bit fluttering. 382 00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:34,560 Speaker 1: But I'm here and I'm ready, right, I'm showing up. 383 00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:44,240 Speaker 1: I'm present, and then not just in this moment with 384 00:22:44,359 --> 00:22:49,080 Speaker 1: the opportunity to meet Michelle, but let's say that two 385 00:22:49,119 --> 00:22:51,960 Speaker 1: weeks from now, You're like, all right, girl, we got 386 00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:57,480 Speaker 1: a presentation to do, and again I find a reason 387 00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:02,000 Speaker 1: to back out, like I've all of a sudden, I'm 388 00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:06,040 Speaker 1: normally the picture of health, but the day before that presentation, 389 00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:10,240 Speaker 1: I called out sick and I've got the flu and 390 00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:13,960 Speaker 1: I'm not available for three days that's when we know 391 00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:18,600 Speaker 1: it's at a point where we need to seek the 392 00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:19,639 Speaker 1: help of a professional. 393 00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:24,720 Speaker 2: Yeah, that makes sense. That's super helpful too. Especially I 394 00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:28,280 Speaker 2: can only imagine when we are struggling with something and 395 00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:31,200 Speaker 2: oftentimes you may think that you are the only one, 396 00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:33,840 Speaker 2: and so we want to just encourage you, lady, that 397 00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:36,000 Speaker 2: is you struggling with this, whether it's something that is 398 00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:40,520 Speaker 2: a disorder or it's instances of social anxiety, and we 399 00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:43,560 Speaker 2: love to offer some tips. Huffington Post has an article 400 00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:48,760 Speaker 2: called thirteen useful expert back tips for dealing with social anxiety. 401 00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:50,879 Speaker 2: So we'll just go through a few. You can always 402 00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:52,720 Speaker 2: google this as well if we want to find more 403 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:55,399 Speaker 2: information and we're at it. In the show notes, the 404 00:23:55,440 --> 00:23:58,840 Speaker 2: first tip here says go into a social setting armed 405 00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:01,199 Speaker 2: with a strategy, and that kind of leads back to 406 00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:04,080 Speaker 2: what we talked about earlier and one of our previous episodes, 407 00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:07,200 Speaker 2: where it's like, go and prepared. If you have to meditate, 408 00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:09,640 Speaker 2: if you have to bring in your conversation starters. Maybe 409 00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:12,520 Speaker 2: your goal is to only chat with three people at 410 00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:14,560 Speaker 2: the event. You don't got to see everybody, Nay, mama, 411 00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:17,520 Speaker 2: just go and and see a few people. Number two 412 00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:20,880 Speaker 2: is give yourself a calming mantra and don't be afraid 413 00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:21,600 Speaker 2: to use it. 414 00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:25,120 Speaker 1: That goes back to what you were saying about, like meditation, right, 415 00:24:25,520 --> 00:24:28,199 Speaker 1: So the easiest way to do that is to have 416 00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:31,840 Speaker 1: your calming mantra and you repeat that, you meditate on 417 00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:35,760 Speaker 1: that mantra and let it truly sink in. 418 00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:38,520 Speaker 2: That's a good one. I like this one. And I 419 00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:41,800 Speaker 2: think that one other important thing to note is that sometimes, 420 00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:44,600 Speaker 2: and I've been there, when we are so when we 421 00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:48,760 Speaker 2: are so accustomed to, oh, letting that internal critic have 422 00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:51,520 Speaker 2: its way, when we have a mantra, we focus on 423 00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:55,720 Speaker 2: the negative. So it's like, I'm not nervous. It's like, no, 424 00:24:56,240 --> 00:24:59,280 Speaker 2: our manto. We want to highlight the positive. We want 425 00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:01,680 Speaker 2: to focus on the aspirational. So maybe it's going to 426 00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:04,920 Speaker 2: be I am calm, cool and collected, something as simple 427 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:07,399 Speaker 2: as that, right, And you're like repeating it over and 428 00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:10,640 Speaker 2: over as you walking, like I'm cool, calm, cool, collected. 429 00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:13,400 Speaker 2: I know, for me, I often I'm like I got this, 430 00:25:14,280 --> 00:25:16,080 Speaker 2: even when I feel like I don't. I'm like, oh shit, 431 00:25:16,119 --> 00:25:19,040 Speaker 2: I'm struggling. I'm like I got this, right, I really 432 00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:20,840 Speaker 2: got it. Yes, I got this, you know, just keep 433 00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:23,359 Speaker 2: on saying this shit, Oh. 434 00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:29,320 Speaker 1: Child, what's the what's the next week? 435 00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:32,040 Speaker 2: Number three is always have an escape route. 436 00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:37,840 Speaker 1: Okay, And so with that one, I have mixed feelings 437 00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:45,520 Speaker 1: about mm hmmm, because having an escape route, on one hand, 438 00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:51,840 Speaker 1: it's almost like a crutch, So it makes it easy 439 00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:54,520 Speaker 1: for you to like the point of it is an 440 00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:57,760 Speaker 1: easy way for you to escape if things get too difficult, right, 441 00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:02,800 Speaker 1: But what that can do is that can turn into 442 00:26:04,720 --> 00:26:08,520 Speaker 1: I'm gonna always use that escape route. I'm not gonna 443 00:26:08,560 --> 00:26:14,359 Speaker 1: allow myself to sit through this distress and really work 444 00:26:14,560 --> 00:26:18,400 Speaker 1: through the strategies that I've been given to really cope. 445 00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:23,240 Speaker 1: And so on one hand, I get it like that 446 00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:27,480 Speaker 1: escape route may be needed, but that should not be 447 00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:30,840 Speaker 1: the thing that you are solely relying on. It should 448 00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:38,119 Speaker 1: be part of plan Z like you go through. You 449 00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:43,880 Speaker 1: go through your other coping strategies first, and then if 450 00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:46,800 Speaker 1: nothing else works, we use our escape plan. 451 00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:49,399 Speaker 2: I think that's a good point, and I'm with you. 452 00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:51,480 Speaker 2: I'm like torn because part of me is like I 453 00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:54,680 Speaker 2: realize that a lot of growth occurs when you sit 454 00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:57,679 Speaker 2: with the discomfort. You know, when we pacify things and 455 00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:00,560 Speaker 2: we numb, oftentimes we don't have a chance to actually 456 00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:03,320 Speaker 2: heal or grow or learn because we're like, oh shit, 457 00:27:03,359 --> 00:27:05,800 Speaker 2: I'm out of here. But at the same time, I'm like, 458 00:27:05,840 --> 00:27:08,720 Speaker 2: there have definitely been situations where it's like, oh my gosh, 459 00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:10,120 Speaker 2: I just really need to get out of here. I'm 460 00:27:10,119 --> 00:27:12,560 Speaker 2: gonna have a nervous breakdown. I'm gonna like have a 461 00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:15,040 Speaker 2: panic attack. So like you want to have that escape, 462 00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:18,639 Speaker 2: So I guess it's like choose it. I don't know, 463 00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:20,960 Speaker 2: you have an escape out sparingly, like, don't let that 464 00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:23,439 Speaker 2: be your your go to every single time, but like 465 00:27:23,720 --> 00:27:25,439 Speaker 2: know that you know what, you got to give yourself 466 00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:27,119 Speaker 2: a break. It's the right to take it, you know, 467 00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:31,200 Speaker 2: exactly exactly now. The next one says burned off adrenaline 468 00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:34,359 Speaker 2: and advance. That's a good one, I think, because sometimes 469 00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:38,040 Speaker 2: when you have all of that energy, it just shows 470 00:27:38,119 --> 00:27:40,920 Speaker 2: up in the ways that you were talking about earlier, 471 00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:44,040 Speaker 2: where you got the butterflies in your stomach, you're shaking 472 00:27:44,119 --> 00:27:45,439 Speaker 2: a little bit. So if you're able to get that 473 00:27:45,480 --> 00:27:47,960 Speaker 2: out in advance, like Okay, I'm gonna have a little workout, 474 00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:50,199 Speaker 2: go for a little run before this big thing that 475 00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:51,959 Speaker 2: I have coming up, that could be helpful. 476 00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:53,920 Speaker 1: Yeah, it totally could what. 477 00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:56,480 Speaker 2: About number five become an all star listener? 478 00:27:57,840 --> 00:28:07,080 Speaker 1: Hmmm, yes, and I had to pause and really listen 479 00:28:07,119 --> 00:28:12,919 Speaker 1: and reflect, and so yes, that can help because what 480 00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:18,840 Speaker 1: it does is it allows you to take in and 481 00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:23,359 Speaker 1: process and hear other people's experiences. And when you hear 482 00:28:23,480 --> 00:28:27,760 Speaker 1: other people's experiences, that builds up your muscle, That builds 483 00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:35,120 Speaker 1: up your capacity to give yourself a break because hearing 484 00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:40,560 Speaker 1: other people's experiences, you learn that, hey, other people have 485 00:28:40,640 --> 00:28:46,840 Speaker 1: struggles too, that I'm not the only one, and that 486 00:28:46,960 --> 00:28:52,960 Speaker 1: means that if they have had their experiences, they hopefully 487 00:28:54,400 --> 00:29:00,840 Speaker 1: are less likely to judge you or hold no hold 488 00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:07,400 Speaker 1: negativity towards you because you all have similar experiences. 489 00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:10,040 Speaker 2: Boom, and you get to make a connection back to 490 00:29:10,120 --> 00:29:13,440 Speaker 2: our quote, ya boom boom. I'm just gonna skip around. 491 00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:16,080 Speaker 2: The next one says breathed through any anxiety that may 492 00:29:16,080 --> 00:29:19,760 Speaker 2: pop up. Breathing has been a gift, A beautiful gift 493 00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:21,600 Speaker 2: for me because I tell you, sometimes I just got 494 00:29:21,600 --> 00:29:24,560 Speaker 2: to take a O and let it out. 495 00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:29,120 Speaker 1: My clients, like the students that I work with, will 496 00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:36,400 Speaker 1: definitely say I say breathe. I say it all the time, 497 00:29:36,560 --> 00:29:40,400 Speaker 1: like someone is sitting there and they appear to be 498 00:29:40,400 --> 00:29:43,160 Speaker 1: in distress. Breathe mm hmm. 499 00:29:44,080 --> 00:29:47,880 Speaker 2: There you go. The next one says, challenge your distorted thinking. 500 00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:49,400 Speaker 2: And this kind of reminds me of what I was 501 00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:50,160 Speaker 2: sharing with you earlier. 502 00:29:50,320 --> 00:29:51,000 Speaker 1: I'm like, why. 503 00:29:50,920 --> 00:29:53,760 Speaker 2: Everyone's focused on me and this thing and this this 504 00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:55,760 Speaker 2: thing that I don't like about myself And it's just like. 505 00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:57,880 Speaker 1: And an easy way to do that is to be 506 00:29:58,040 --> 00:30:00,960 Speaker 1: in that So in that moment when you're walking past 507 00:30:00,960 --> 00:30:06,480 Speaker 1: that group of people and you're like, everyone's looking at me, 508 00:30:07,040 --> 00:30:11,000 Speaker 1: you pa, you stop, you pause, you look, and you 509 00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:15,239 Speaker 1: you check yourself and you say, hold on, let me 510 00:30:15,440 --> 00:30:21,680 Speaker 1: actually look, are they paying attention to me? Chances are 511 00:30:22,120 --> 00:30:26,280 Speaker 1: they're not, So then you can you can reset that 512 00:30:26,440 --> 00:30:32,680 Speaker 1: thinking and you can say I'm okay, mm hmm, I'm 513 00:30:32,680 --> 00:30:37,880 Speaker 1: gonna get through this. Nobody's worried about me. I'm not 514 00:30:37,960 --> 00:30:39,680 Speaker 1: gonna worry about them. 515 00:30:39,720 --> 00:30:43,560 Speaker 2: That's excellent. And from this article, the clinical director also adds, 516 00:30:43,800 --> 00:30:47,040 Speaker 2: when these thoughts come up, ask yourself some of these questions. 517 00:30:47,120 --> 00:30:49,440 Speaker 2: So the first one is like, is this one hundred 518 00:30:49,440 --> 00:30:53,080 Speaker 2: percent true all the time? Usually it is not right. 519 00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:55,840 Speaker 2: It's like come on, boom, come on boom. The second 520 00:30:55,840 --> 00:30:57,800 Speaker 2: one is what's the worst that could happen if this 521 00:30:57,960 --> 00:31:00,160 Speaker 2: is true. So I know, for like public speaking, you 522 00:31:00,200 --> 00:31:02,080 Speaker 2: go up there and you're like, oh my gosh, what 523 00:31:02,120 --> 00:31:05,880 Speaker 2: if I pass out? People are probably going to help you. 524 00:31:06,640 --> 00:31:09,560 Speaker 1: I mean, that's one of my favorite questions to ask 525 00:31:09,560 --> 00:31:12,080 Speaker 1: people to when I'm helping them, when I'm helping them 526 00:31:12,120 --> 00:31:16,960 Speaker 1: make decision, make decisions. Yes, ask yourself what is the 527 00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:19,680 Speaker 1: worst that can happen? And if you can visualize what 528 00:31:19,760 --> 00:31:23,320 Speaker 1: the worst thing is that can happen, and you can 529 00:31:23,360 --> 00:31:26,000 Speaker 1: figure out what the solution would be, then you don't 530 00:31:26,040 --> 00:31:27,560 Speaker 1: have anything to worry about. 531 00:31:28,200 --> 00:31:30,640 Speaker 2: That's true. And she goes on and say how likely 532 00:31:30,760 --> 00:31:33,280 Speaker 2: is this to happen? And then how bad would it 533 00:31:33,280 --> 00:31:36,840 Speaker 2: really be? Could I handle it? And what is more 534 00:31:37,000 --> 00:31:38,719 Speaker 2: likely to happen? Like what's realistic? 535 00:31:39,080 --> 00:31:39,680 Speaker 1: Exactly? 536 00:31:40,400 --> 00:31:42,080 Speaker 2: It's two one more dome. I know you got some 537 00:31:42,120 --> 00:31:45,440 Speaker 2: good tips that we can share as well. Now I 538 00:31:45,440 --> 00:31:47,040 Speaker 2: want to go with the last one in this post 539 00:31:47,120 --> 00:31:49,600 Speaker 2: because it's something we don't do enough of. And number 540 00:31:49,960 --> 00:31:52,280 Speaker 2: thirteen we just skipped around a bit there. But number 541 00:31:52,320 --> 00:31:55,720 Speaker 2: thirteen is applaud your efforts. We don't celebrate ourselves enough. 542 00:31:55,760 --> 00:31:58,400 Speaker 2: So treat yourself as you would treat your best friend. 543 00:31:58,520 --> 00:32:01,680 Speaker 2: Or a family member. These are serious. These are serious 544 00:32:01,720 --> 00:32:03,560 Speaker 2: things that we're struggling with. So, whether you're dealing with 545 00:32:03,560 --> 00:32:07,160 Speaker 2: a social anxiety disorder or you're having instances where you 546 00:32:07,200 --> 00:32:09,840 Speaker 2: are socially anxious, give yourself a break. You are a 547 00:32:09,880 --> 00:32:11,840 Speaker 2: human being out here just doing the best you can 548 00:32:12,240 --> 00:32:14,280 Speaker 2: with what was handed to you. Oftentimes, a lot of 549 00:32:14,280 --> 00:32:16,440 Speaker 2: the stuff that we're dealing with it's not even because 550 00:32:16,480 --> 00:32:18,680 Speaker 2: of us. It's because of some shit that happened to 551 00:32:18,800 --> 00:32:21,360 Speaker 2: us in childhood that we're still coping with. And so 552 00:32:21,480 --> 00:32:23,640 Speaker 2: I think it's so important for us to be gentle, 553 00:32:24,200 --> 00:32:25,480 Speaker 2: be gentle with yourself. 554 00:32:26,280 --> 00:32:31,480 Speaker 1: Yes, yes, yes, And so what I wanted to do 555 00:32:31,840 --> 00:32:35,840 Speaker 1: was give us three quick takeaways from this, right, So 556 00:32:36,080 --> 00:32:40,600 Speaker 1: three quick tips. If you listen to all of this 557 00:32:40,680 --> 00:32:43,520 Speaker 1: and you're like, I don't know, I don't know, right, 558 00:32:44,040 --> 00:32:48,960 Speaker 1: the first tip set a smart goal, Right, So just 559 00:32:49,000 --> 00:32:57,120 Speaker 1: a reminder, our smart goal is small, measurable, achievable, realistic, 560 00:32:57,440 --> 00:33:01,560 Speaker 1: time based goals. So what that looks like when we're 561 00:33:01,600 --> 00:33:07,200 Speaker 1: dealing with social anxiety, Think about what you're think about 562 00:33:07,240 --> 00:33:12,680 Speaker 1: the event, Think about the situation that you're trying to conquer. 563 00:33:14,280 --> 00:33:16,360 Speaker 1: Let's say, and we're gonna go We're gonna continue to 564 00:33:16,440 --> 00:33:19,600 Speaker 1: use your example of your walking across campus and you 565 00:33:19,760 --> 00:33:26,040 Speaker 1: see that group of people. Your small goal, right, if 566 00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:30,680 Speaker 1: you can walk all the way to the other side 567 00:33:30,680 --> 00:33:36,160 Speaker 1: of the crowd and during that walk you do not 568 00:33:36,920 --> 00:33:41,760 Speaker 1: hold in your breath, we're not even touching on any 569 00:33:41,800 --> 00:33:44,560 Speaker 1: of your thinking yet. So it's a small goal. 570 00:33:44,800 --> 00:33:46,520 Speaker 2: Okay, Can I have my phone out? 571 00:33:49,480 --> 00:33:52,640 Speaker 1: Yes? We start small, it starts smart. So the first 572 00:33:52,680 --> 00:33:55,160 Speaker 1: time you walk across all the you can get to 573 00:33:55,320 --> 00:33:57,160 Speaker 1: all the way to the other side of the group 574 00:33:58,520 --> 00:34:03,440 Speaker 1: without holding your breath, right, because remember we gotta breathe, Yes, 575 00:34:04,600 --> 00:34:07,520 Speaker 1: And then the next time you do it, maybe it's 576 00:34:07,640 --> 00:34:10,520 Speaker 1: I'm going to walk to past that group and i 577 00:34:10,600 --> 00:34:13,960 Speaker 1: won't have my phone out, and I'm going to do 578 00:34:14,040 --> 00:34:16,680 Speaker 1: that five I'm going to walk past five times without 579 00:34:16,719 --> 00:34:19,640 Speaker 1: that happening. And so you just set those small goals 580 00:34:19,640 --> 00:34:22,560 Speaker 1: for yourself and you'll see that it'll get easier and 581 00:34:22,640 --> 00:34:29,360 Speaker 1: easier in time. The next tip, get an accountability partner, 582 00:34:30,200 --> 00:34:35,719 Speaker 1: so you know that walking across the quad is your issue, Like, 583 00:34:36,080 --> 00:34:40,000 Speaker 1: that's your goal, that's the thing you're working on. Pull 584 00:34:40,040 --> 00:34:43,479 Speaker 1: in one of your homegirls and say hey, like when 585 00:34:43,520 --> 00:34:47,560 Speaker 1: I'm trying to walk across campus. It feels like I 586 00:34:47,600 --> 00:34:50,920 Speaker 1: can't do it, and I get all these negative thoughts 587 00:34:50,960 --> 00:34:53,800 Speaker 1: and then I feel the urge to pull out my phone. 588 00:34:54,040 --> 00:34:57,000 Speaker 1: I want you to be aware of what's happening, and 589 00:34:57,760 --> 00:35:01,120 Speaker 1: I want you to like cheer me on, and I'm 590 00:35:01,160 --> 00:35:03,120 Speaker 1: going to check in with you every time I walk 591 00:35:03,200 --> 00:35:05,839 Speaker 1: past the group across campus to let you know how 592 00:35:05,880 --> 00:35:09,600 Speaker 1: I did. And that person is going to hold you accountable. 593 00:35:09,600 --> 00:35:13,680 Speaker 1: So you make them aware of your goals and they'll ask, hey, girl, 594 00:35:14,600 --> 00:35:16,839 Speaker 1: did you walk past them five times without taking out 595 00:35:16,880 --> 00:35:20,320 Speaker 1: your phone? And you check in with them because oftentimes 596 00:35:20,320 --> 00:35:22,440 Speaker 1: what we know, especially like if I think about like 597 00:35:23,040 --> 00:35:27,120 Speaker 1: with personal training and like physical fitness, oftentimes they tell 598 00:35:27,160 --> 00:35:30,759 Speaker 1: you you're trying to exercise, like, get an accountability partner, get 599 00:35:30,800 --> 00:35:34,040 Speaker 1: someone that's going with you, and then you're more likely 600 00:35:34,120 --> 00:35:37,400 Speaker 1: to do it. Engage in the behavior. And then the 601 00:35:37,480 --> 00:35:39,759 Speaker 1: last tip is the thing similar to what you have 602 00:35:39,920 --> 00:35:45,799 Speaker 1: mentioned before, not just celebrate yourself, but reward yourself. So 603 00:35:45,880 --> 00:35:51,239 Speaker 1: if you've set that goal and your goal was to 604 00:35:51,360 --> 00:35:57,400 Speaker 1: initially walk past without holding your breath, you got past that, 605 00:35:58,440 --> 00:36:02,440 Speaker 1: then the next goal was to have five times when 606 00:36:02,480 --> 00:36:05,480 Speaker 1: you walk past without pulling out your phone, if you, 607 00:36:05,560 --> 00:36:09,160 Speaker 1: once you achieve that goal, reward yourself and make it 608 00:36:09,239 --> 00:36:13,920 Speaker 1: something tangible, something meaningful. It doesn't have to be anything big, 609 00:36:14,960 --> 00:36:16,640 Speaker 1: like you don't have to go on a shopping spree 610 00:36:16,719 --> 00:36:22,960 Speaker 1: type of situation. Sad, No, I'm broke, right, mama, max 611 00:36:23,040 --> 00:36:26,080 Speaker 1: out my car. No, it doesn't have to be anything 612 00:36:26,200 --> 00:36:32,160 Speaker 1: that big. Something small like I'm gonna watch episode of 613 00:36:32,160 --> 00:36:36,960 Speaker 1: my favorite show tonight, or I'm gonna yeah some cookieses 614 00:36:37,040 --> 00:36:41,640 Speaker 1: like nothing but cake or something. You know, find a little, small, 615 00:36:42,080 --> 00:36:48,480 Speaker 1: tangible reward to honor the goal that you just accomplished. 616 00:36:48,760 --> 00:36:51,239 Speaker 2: That's a good idea. I like that. This is this 617 00:36:51,320 --> 00:36:54,560 Speaker 2: feels really good. These feel like solid tips. And I 618 00:36:54,600 --> 00:36:57,120 Speaker 2: just want to send some positive vibes and some light 619 00:36:57,239 --> 00:37:00,560 Speaker 2: and love to you lady as you are living your 620 00:37:00,560 --> 00:37:03,480 Speaker 2: life and going through whatever you're going through right now, 621 00:37:03,760 --> 00:37:05,839 Speaker 2: to sending you good vibes. You've got this, you can 622 00:37:05,920 --> 00:37:08,920 Speaker 2: do it. Honestly, this is all about us building our 623 00:37:09,000 --> 00:37:10,520 Speaker 2: muscles the same way we do in the gym. 624 00:37:10,560 --> 00:37:10,719 Speaker 1: Right. 625 00:37:10,719 --> 00:37:12,719 Speaker 2: We have to build these muscles in order for them 626 00:37:12,800 --> 00:37:14,839 Speaker 2: to in order for us to use them in their 627 00:37:14,840 --> 00:37:17,120 Speaker 2: in real life. Right, whatever these skills are, once we 628 00:37:17,160 --> 00:37:19,960 Speaker 2: continue to build them we'll get better, it'll be second nature. 629 00:37:20,440 --> 00:37:22,120 Speaker 2: We'll build that muscle memory, and then we'll be on 630 00:37:22,160 --> 00:37:23,399 Speaker 2: to the next thing. What are we going to work 631 00:37:23,400 --> 00:37:24,920 Speaker 2: on now? What are we going to grow? How are 632 00:37:24,920 --> 00:37:25,680 Speaker 2: we going to grow now? 633 00:37:25,760 --> 00:37:28,400 Speaker 1: Right? And just like we do what they teach us 634 00:37:28,400 --> 00:37:34,160 Speaker 1: at the gym breathe Thanks for joining us today in 635 00:37:34,200 --> 00:37:38,280 Speaker 1: her Space. Please note that our show may contain conversations 636 00:37:38,320 --> 00:37:43,759 Speaker 1: about self help, advice, self empowerment, and mental health, but 637 00:37:43,880 --> 00:37:46,399 Speaker 1: it is by no means meant to be a substitute 638 00:37:46,480 --> 00:37:51,080 Speaker 1: for an ongoing formal relationship with a trained mental health provider. 639 00:37:52,000 --> 00:37:54,719 Speaker 1: If you are someone you know is in need of 640 00:37:54,760 --> 00:37:58,239 Speaker 1: mental health care, please visit the Therapy for Black Girls 641 00:37:58,320 --> 00:38:02,760 Speaker 1: directory Psychology to or contact your insurance provider. 642 00:38:03,400 --> 00:38:05,120 Speaker 2: If you liked what you heard and want to keep 643 00:38:05,120 --> 00:38:08,520 Speaker 2: the conversation going, connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and 644 00:38:08,600 --> 00:38:13,600 Speaker 2: Twitter at Herspace podcast, or check out our website at 645 00:38:13,640 --> 00:38:18,360 Speaker 2: herspacepodcast dot com. And before we meet again, repeat after me, 646 00:38:19,040 --> 00:38:21,360 Speaker 2: I know that everything is working out for my good, 647 00:38:21,840 --> 00:38:23,960 Speaker 2: even when things don't go as planned. 648 00:38:24,520 --> 00:38:26,719 Speaker 1: We'll see you next week, Lady