1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:26,560 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:31,680 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever 6 00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:33,400 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to 7 00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:36,600 Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode as we, of 8 00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:41,320 Speaker 1: course break down the psychology of our twenties. Now, there 9 00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:44,440 Speaker 1: are a lot of things that cause us, I would say, 10 00:00:44,680 --> 00:00:47,680 Speaker 1: a great deal of stress and unhappiness in our twenties, 11 00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:50,080 Speaker 1: and a lot of it is beyond our control. This 12 00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:54,840 Speaker 1: is naturally a decade where we feel extremely lost. Things 13 00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:57,360 Speaker 1: are very much up in the air. But I would 14 00:00:57,400 --> 00:01:00,639 Speaker 1: say a fair amount of our occasional miss and our 15 00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:04,440 Speaker 1: self doubt comes down to things that we can change 16 00:01:04,959 --> 00:01:08,560 Speaker 1: when we kind of examine our mindset and how we 17 00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:12,840 Speaker 1: treat ourselves, and how we acknowledge our wins, our successes, 18 00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:18,120 Speaker 1: our best attributes. What we're talking about today is self comparison, 19 00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:24,440 Speaker 1: namely why it is that social comparison steals so much 20 00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:29,240 Speaker 1: joy from us, but also how we can learn to 21 00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:32,880 Speaker 1: stop tearing ourselves down by constantly measuring ourselves against others, 22 00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:37,440 Speaker 1: by constantly looking at their careers, at their relationships, at 23 00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:41,600 Speaker 1: their clothes, their body, their success, their financial situation, and 24 00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:45,800 Speaker 1: feeling like we are lacking. I think comparison is one 25 00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:49,240 Speaker 1: of those really hard parts about being human, right. I 26 00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:52,960 Speaker 1: find it so fascinating that, as a species we have 27 00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:55,720 Speaker 1: all the critical thinking skills in the world, we can 28 00:01:55,760 --> 00:02:00,280 Speaker 1: solve some of humanity's greatest problems. Our brains quite literally 29 00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:05,360 Speaker 1: contain millions of neural connections, and yet we choose to 30 00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:09,440 Speaker 1: use them in ways that may hurt our own feelings, 31 00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:14,079 Speaker 1: in ways that harm us more than they benefit us. 32 00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:18,040 Speaker 1: And one of those ways is by constantly comparing ourselves 33 00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:21,440 Speaker 1: to others and coming up short. It's like self imposed 34 00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:25,079 Speaker 1: psychological torture in so many ways. But on another level, 35 00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:28,480 Speaker 1: sometimes we don't feel like we can stop. We just 36 00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:32,200 Speaker 1: never feel good enough, and so we use social comparison 37 00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:35,880 Speaker 1: to reinforce that, perhaps as a form of self sabotage. 38 00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:39,639 Speaker 1: If our self esteem is already in the dumps, we 39 00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:43,119 Speaker 1: sometimes do things that don't serve us because we think 40 00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:46,360 Speaker 1: that we deserve to feel bad. We do things like 41 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:51,880 Speaker 1: procrastinating or binge drinking, or self isolating, or looking into 42 00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:56,160 Speaker 1: the lives of other people and fantasizing about how much 43 00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:59,119 Speaker 1: better things would be if we were more like them. 44 00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:02,919 Speaker 1: I think this just perpetuates the cycle, and it steals 45 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:06,000 Speaker 1: a lot of our joy. We're particularly prone to this 46 00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:09,239 Speaker 1: in our twenties, of course, because our identity already feels 47 00:03:09,320 --> 00:03:12,840 Speaker 1: quite unstable, and there is a great deal of insecurity 48 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:16,519 Speaker 1: amongst people in this generation, and insecurity that stems from 49 00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:21,240 Speaker 1: uncertainty about the future and uncertainty about our place in 50 00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:26,560 Speaker 1: this world. From an evolutionary perspective, some psychologists would also 51 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:29,799 Speaker 1: argue that we actually have an innate tendency to compare 52 00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:33,160 Speaker 1: ourselves to others, because in this way we learn what 53 00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:36,040 Speaker 1: we might be doing wrong, but also how to fit in. 54 00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:40,480 Speaker 1: So in that way, it serves this social purpose. Now, 55 00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:43,440 Speaker 1: this idea was first introduced back in the nineteen fifties 56 00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:47,640 Speaker 1: by a social psychologist known as Leon Fessinger. If you 57 00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:50,640 Speaker 1: are a bit of a psychology geek or a trivia master, 58 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:54,240 Speaker 1: you'll recognize that name because he is also responsible for 59 00:03:54,280 --> 00:04:00,240 Speaker 1: the term cognitive dissonance. But Leon, he assumed that back 60 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:03,240 Speaker 1: when we roamed the savannah in tribes, when we were 61 00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:09,560 Speaker 1: mere hunter gatherers. Comparing ourselves to others conferred a survival 62 00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:15,040 Speaker 1: advantage by providing information about our relative position within a group. 63 00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:17,320 Speaker 1: As a result, this helped us assess what kind of 64 00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:20,960 Speaker 1: resources we had access to, how we were kind of 65 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:25,000 Speaker 1: like squaring up compared to others, what other people had 66 00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:29,279 Speaker 1: that we lacked. It also helped us conform because we 67 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:33,239 Speaker 1: could look and observe how others were behaving and adapt 68 00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:38,120 Speaker 1: our own behavior accordingly, meaning that we were less likely 69 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:40,000 Speaker 1: to be kicked out of the group because we were 70 00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:43,800 Speaker 1: doing everything right. Because we were basing our behavior on 71 00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:47,680 Speaker 1: the norm that we saw projected by others, so we 72 00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:49,920 Speaker 1: were more likely to be accepted, We were more likely 73 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:53,040 Speaker 1: to learn from other people in the group, and we 74 00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:58,200 Speaker 1: were more likely to essentially survive in that way. I 75 00:04:58,240 --> 00:05:01,720 Speaker 1: think that social comparison also acted as a form of 76 00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:05,520 Speaker 1: validation and personal reassurance, both back in the day and 77 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:09,200 Speaker 1: also these days. Right Like if Wendy from down the 78 00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:11,760 Speaker 1: street is wearing double denim and I am too well, 79 00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:13,960 Speaker 1: I must be doing something right, or at least I 80 00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:17,400 Speaker 1: have like an ally in this we reassure ourselves that 81 00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:20,920 Speaker 1: we're not doing anything that's too ghastly or too against 82 00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:24,200 Speaker 1: what people expect from us. Or you know, if your 83 00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:27,960 Speaker 1: good friend Dave took a gap year and still ended 84 00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:31,320 Speaker 1: up with a great job, by comparing yourself to him, 85 00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:33,520 Speaker 1: you feel like you can do that as well. We 86 00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:36,760 Speaker 1: use others as an example to assure us that we 87 00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:39,400 Speaker 1: are on the right path, that what we are doing 88 00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:43,120 Speaker 1: will be accepted because somebody else is doing it. But 89 00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:47,080 Speaker 1: also we use social comparison as a form of aspiration 90 00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:51,000 Speaker 1: and sometimes even motivation. I think, regardless of the purpose, 91 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:54,919 Speaker 1: there might be some quote unquote benefits. It can also 92 00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:58,960 Speaker 1: make us feel pretty horrific when it goes untamed. I think. 93 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:03,720 Speaker 1: Also compared to our ancestors, which is what leon Festinger 94 00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:07,360 Speaker 1: based his theory on, right, we now have so many 95 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:12,160 Speaker 1: more opportunities to compare compared to those people back then. 96 00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:17,080 Speaker 1: We are exposed to firstly, just a lot more people 97 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:20,840 Speaker 1: in our communities and in our environment compared to the 98 00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:24,640 Speaker 1: small tribes that he was operating his beliefs on. And 99 00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:28,040 Speaker 1: we also have social media, which means that at any 100 00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:33,120 Speaker 1: stage you can jump online and find the perfect example 101 00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:35,880 Speaker 1: of somebody who is going to make you feel bad 102 00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:39,760 Speaker 1: about yourself. So for the most part, it can really 103 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:43,600 Speaker 1: give rise to a lot of feelings of jealousy or competition, 104 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:47,120 Speaker 1: which ends up harming our relationships and sadly, how we 105 00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:49,680 Speaker 1: treat ourselves and how we treat others. It can make 106 00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:51,800 Speaker 1: us feel a lot less grateful for what we do 107 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:54,159 Speaker 1: have because someone out there in the world is always 108 00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:56,800 Speaker 1: going to have more, and as a result, we never 109 00:06:56,880 --> 00:07:00,960 Speaker 1: feel quite satisfied because we're in this chual spiral of 110 00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:04,880 Speaker 1: chronic comparison. It is the classic idea that the grass 111 00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:08,400 Speaker 1: is always greener on the other side. That is a 112 00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:11,320 Speaker 1: tailor's oldest time. But something that I think contains an 113 00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:14,280 Speaker 1: equal amount of truth is that the grass is actually 114 00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:18,640 Speaker 1: greener where you water it. The ultimate kind of antidote 115 00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:22,360 Speaker 1: to social comparison is feeling confident enough in what you're 116 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:27,280 Speaker 1: building and what you're doing, and spending more time nurturing 117 00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:31,160 Speaker 1: these parts of you then being distracted by other people's progress. 118 00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:34,480 Speaker 1: That is something I'm definitely working on in my own life. 119 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:38,400 Speaker 1: But I'm also learning that when social comparison is used wisely, 120 00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:42,200 Speaker 1: it can also be used to our advantage. If we 121 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:46,720 Speaker 1: switch from using social comparison as a form of self 122 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:50,200 Speaker 1: sabotaged and trying to hurt our own feelings to an 123 00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:53,280 Speaker 1: opportunity to really take stock of our lives and what 124 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:55,760 Speaker 1: we're actually grateful for, but also what we want to improve. 125 00:07:56,600 --> 00:08:00,840 Speaker 1: Sometimes it's rather useful. So today going to talk about 126 00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:04,680 Speaker 1: five tips I have for controlling the temptation to compare, 127 00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:10,080 Speaker 1: how to stop comparing yourself to others, or maybe more 128 00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:12,640 Speaker 1: a better way to put that is how to keep 129 00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:16,360 Speaker 1: the parts of social comparison that benefit you and say 130 00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:18,840 Speaker 1: goodbye to the other aspects. So we have a lot 131 00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:21,200 Speaker 1: to talk about today, a lot to cover, of course, 132 00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:25,040 Speaker 1: a lot of fascinating psychology. So without further ado, let's 133 00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:32,520 Speaker 1: get into it. The easiest way to let something control 134 00:08:32,559 --> 00:08:36,360 Speaker 1: you is to ignore it and suppress it. I think 135 00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:41,480 Speaker 1: anytime we try too hard to not do something to 136 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:45,200 Speaker 1: you know, keep our hands behind our back, that just 137 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:49,400 Speaker 1: really hands over the microphone, and it amplifies our insecurities 138 00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:51,839 Speaker 1: because we feel like that if we were to set 139 00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:55,000 Speaker 1: this thing free, if we were to allow ourselves to 140 00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:58,520 Speaker 1: compare ourselves to others as much as we want, it 141 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:01,320 Speaker 1: would give it all the path, and we are so 142 00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:04,280 Speaker 1: scared of that reality that we actually end up focusing 143 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:08,280 Speaker 1: more on the possibility of that happening as a result. 144 00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:11,800 Speaker 1: So what we really didn't want to happen becomes inevitable 145 00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:15,240 Speaker 1: because we avoided it for too long and we gave 146 00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:19,400 Speaker 1: it power over ourselves. It might sound counterintuitive, but if 147 00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:22,119 Speaker 1: you want to reduce the negative effects of social comparison, 148 00:09:22,559 --> 00:09:24,600 Speaker 1: you kind of have to give yourself a mission to 149 00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:29,440 Speaker 1: compare yourself to others whenever you would like. So this 150 00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:34,320 Speaker 1: is rule one. Don't unfollow, don't suppress, accept your need 151 00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:39,320 Speaker 1: to compare, and expand on your comparison. So let me explain. 152 00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:41,840 Speaker 1: I'm going to admit that in a past episode I 153 00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:44,080 Speaker 1: did on social comparison, I gave some advice that I 154 00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:47,400 Speaker 1: no longer believe in, particularly in regards to social media. 155 00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:50,319 Speaker 1: So I think this episode came out a couple of 156 00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:52,920 Speaker 1: years ago, and at the time, my advice was to 157 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:57,280 Speaker 1: unfollow the people who made you feel bad. That woman 158 00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:59,960 Speaker 1: with a better body than you, with the lavish lifestyle, 159 00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:02,880 Speaker 1: the millions of followers, the person who was traveling to 160 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:05,040 Speaker 1: the places that you really wanted to go to whilst 161 00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:08,319 Speaker 1: you were busy working. You're nine to five. If they 162 00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:14,439 Speaker 1: trigger your social comparison, avoid it, avoid exposure, unfollow. There 163 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:18,600 Speaker 1: we go, You're fixed. Your social comparison is no longer 164 00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:21,160 Speaker 1: there because you're not experiencing it. I think I had 165 00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:24,840 Speaker 1: a rather immature viewpoint back then, and I was trying 166 00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:27,200 Speaker 1: to get the science to fit what I wanted to believe, 167 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:31,400 Speaker 1: when honestly, all the psychology really disagrees with me on that. Yes, 168 00:10:31,559 --> 00:10:34,360 Speaker 1: there are some people you don't need to engage with 169 00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:37,520 Speaker 1: on social media or in real life, but if you 170 00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:41,160 Speaker 1: really want to gain power over your social comparison, you 171 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:44,600 Speaker 1: need to realize that these people are not a threat. 172 00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:50,160 Speaker 1: Their brilliance, their luck, their successes, and your own are 173 00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:54,800 Speaker 1: not mutually exclusive. Just because they're doing really well for 174 00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:59,320 Speaker 1: themselves doesn't mean you can't feel good about what you have. 175 00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:04,439 Speaker 1: If we unfollow anyone who makes us uncomfortable or who 176 00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:06,600 Speaker 1: we feel jealous of, we end up in an echo 177 00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:10,720 Speaker 1: chamber of only engaging with people who we don't see 178 00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:13,720 Speaker 1: as a threat. And that really comes down to a 179 00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:17,320 Speaker 1: classic form of avoidance, turning away from things that make 180 00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:21,800 Speaker 1: us uncomfortable instead of engaging with them and learning how 181 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:25,040 Speaker 1: to manage our feelings towards something that make us feel bad. 182 00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:29,880 Speaker 1: I think in that space, with this perspective, we give 183 00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:34,959 Speaker 1: our social comparison the power that it wants, meaning that yes, 184 00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:37,800 Speaker 1: we will inevitably be exposed to someone who was doing 185 00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:40,600 Speaker 1: better than us, who is making more money than us, 186 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:44,280 Speaker 1: who was absolutely crushing it. Whatever it is, it just 187 00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:47,680 Speaker 1: isn't the big deal anymore. I think suppressing a bad 188 00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:51,800 Speaker 1: feeling doesn't lessen its sting. It doesn't make it go away. 189 00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:55,600 Speaker 1: The root cause, which is most likely your sense of insecurity, 190 00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:58,560 Speaker 1: is still there. It just makes us less prepared or 191 00:11:58,559 --> 00:12:03,160 Speaker 1: emotionally strong to deal with with feeling unpresent when inevitably 192 00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:07,000 Speaker 1: this person will come along, right like we just live 193 00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:12,920 Speaker 1: behind a wall. We just never challenge ourselves. Instead, when 194 00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:16,800 Speaker 1: you feel like there is that siren call to compare yourself, 195 00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:19,960 Speaker 1: I'm gonna say the thing that you probably least expect 196 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:23,880 Speaker 1: me to say. Let yourself do it, but then expand 197 00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:27,960 Speaker 1: on your comparison. For example, if you see someone on 198 00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:32,200 Speaker 1: LinkedIn who just had a huge promotion, and she's your age, 199 00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:35,720 Speaker 1: you went to university together, her career has taken off, 200 00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:38,800 Speaker 1: yours has kind of stalled. Yes, you can get upset, 201 00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:43,520 Speaker 1: you can let yourself feel really shitty and assume that 202 00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:48,680 Speaker 1: her success says something about yours. But you can also 203 00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:52,320 Speaker 1: add on to those judgments. So I'm going to give 204 00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:55,040 Speaker 1: you an example of what this sounds like. Adding on 205 00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:58,400 Speaker 1: to our judgments that come from our need to compare 206 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:03,679 Speaker 1: basically shows up that our initial thought around what this 207 00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:06,880 Speaker 1: person has that we don't is not the full picture. So, 208 00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:09,679 Speaker 1: for example, with this woman you see on LinkedIn right, 209 00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:13,600 Speaker 1: what you can say is this person is doing so well, 210 00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:18,000 Speaker 1: and so am I. We just have different paths. I'm 211 00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:21,800 Speaker 1: so jealous of what they're achieving, and I'll get there 212 00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:24,400 Speaker 1: one day as well. I wish I had what she had, 213 00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:28,000 Speaker 1: and it's great because I already have so much, So 214 00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:31,120 Speaker 1: I'm so close. Her body is like so amazing and 215 00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:36,000 Speaker 1: so beautiful, and so is mine. How amazing. The reason 216 00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:40,479 Speaker 1: this works is that you don't scold yourself for comparing 217 00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:44,480 Speaker 1: and therefore make it feel taboo or give it power. 218 00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:48,040 Speaker 1: You just make your judgments more nuanced and you don't 219 00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:51,880 Speaker 1: let them only take on a negative spin. On that 220 00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:55,120 Speaker 1: note of LinkedIn and career comparison, let's talk about why 221 00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:59,160 Speaker 1: social comparison seems to be impacting us so much more nowadays. 222 00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:03,480 Speaker 1: Social media means that we are experiencing an insane level 223 00:14:03,559 --> 00:14:07,400 Speaker 1: of information overload, where by any moment, you can be 224 00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:11,240 Speaker 1: exposed to the lives of hundreds, if not thousands of people. 225 00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:13,400 Speaker 1: All you have to do is open your phone and 226 00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:17,520 Speaker 1: you are going to see a highlight reel of everybody's lives, 227 00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:20,640 Speaker 1: all the things that they know will get them likes, 228 00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:24,800 Speaker 1: all the pictures that will match their aesthetic. It really 229 00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:29,040 Speaker 1: warps our sense of what is normal, especially because social 230 00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:33,000 Speaker 1: media was built to be performative, and when we get 231 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:36,480 Speaker 1: so much about information about the world, about trends, about 232 00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:40,280 Speaker 1: what we should be doing, about what's called from social media, 233 00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:43,600 Speaker 1: that means that our view of what is normal becomes 234 00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:47,720 Speaker 1: quite skewed. So that brings me to rule number two. 235 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:52,200 Speaker 1: Keep your judgments realistic. I know I sound like a 236 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:56,440 Speaker 1: broken record, but truly from somebody who does this themselves, 237 00:14:56,440 --> 00:15:00,440 Speaker 1: I'll admit it. Everything you see online is curated. Everything 238 00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:03,520 Speaker 1: I post online I think about a million times. I'm 239 00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:08,120 Speaker 1: not posting like the random screenshots of like where my 240 00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:11,480 Speaker 1: ruber is. I'm not posting like the photo I took 241 00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:14,480 Speaker 1: of my Wi Fi password on, like the back of 242 00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:17,520 Speaker 1: the modem, or like all the rubbish that I need 243 00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:21,000 Speaker 1: to get collected. Even the videos you see of people 244 00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:24,640 Speaker 1: who are complaining or tired or sad or going through 245 00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:27,360 Speaker 1: a breakup or a stepback, whatever it is, that is 246 00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:30,120 Speaker 1: still not the full picture. And it's often very strategic 247 00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:34,800 Speaker 1: because we know that that kind of content, that vulnerable content, 248 00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:39,240 Speaker 1: draws people in, but it's still not real. It's still 249 00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:42,720 Speaker 1: not the full picture. In that way, we often comparing 250 00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:46,520 Speaker 1: ourselves to a reality that doesn't even exist, not even 251 00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:49,760 Speaker 1: for the person who is advertising it as such. It's 252 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:52,760 Speaker 1: why I'm such a big fan of those influences or 253 00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:56,800 Speaker 1: those pages that do post the unpost gym shots, who 254 00:15:56,840 --> 00:16:00,680 Speaker 1: do post their messy homes and their unblemish skin and 255 00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:04,880 Speaker 1: they're just everyday life. I think it's so comforting to 256 00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:08,240 Speaker 1: see somebody who was breaking like the fourth wall of 257 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:11,480 Speaker 1: the Internet, who was literally looking at you and going, 258 00:16:11,880 --> 00:16:15,160 Speaker 1: this is not real. None of this is real, and 259 00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:19,080 Speaker 1: yet you are basing your perceptions of your own life 260 00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:23,960 Speaker 1: on someone else's sugar coated version that they post online. 261 00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:28,239 Speaker 1: Even in our real lives, even in like our everyday 262 00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:32,840 Speaker 1: interactions with people, no one is coming out and saying 263 00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:36,000 Speaker 1: exactly how they were feeling. No one is vessing up 264 00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:38,320 Speaker 1: to half of the emotions that they're trying to manage 265 00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:41,960 Speaker 1: their insecurities, you know, the time that they spend alone, 266 00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:46,080 Speaker 1: the fears, the doubts, the fights. I just think that 267 00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:48,960 Speaker 1: it's good to remind yourself that it's not the truth. 268 00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:53,160 Speaker 1: Keep that in mind. This brings me to rule number three. 269 00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:58,200 Speaker 1: Do things for you first, and sometimes for you only. 270 00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:02,000 Speaker 1: Unhealthy social con comparison can be a huge time waster 271 00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:04,960 Speaker 1: because it makes us doubt our own decisions and our 272 00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:08,000 Speaker 1: path and therefore kind of keeps us in this loop. 273 00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:10,560 Speaker 1: It gets us stuck because we spend so much time 274 00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:13,920 Speaker 1: thinking about what other people are thinking rather than actually 275 00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:17,159 Speaker 1: just doing. I think that comes from this weird realization 276 00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:20,040 Speaker 1: we have that the fact that we are comparing ourselves 277 00:17:20,119 --> 00:17:23,879 Speaker 1: to others means that people are comparing themselves to us, 278 00:17:24,359 --> 00:17:28,280 Speaker 1: and they're measuring themselves up against our actions and our lives, 279 00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:30,400 Speaker 1: so we better put on a really good show, right. 280 00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:33,800 Speaker 1: This makes us quite insecure, I think, because we want 281 00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:36,679 Speaker 1: to impress them, so we get stuck in trying to 282 00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:39,960 Speaker 1: do things perfectly or according to what we think others 283 00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:45,719 Speaker 1: want or will find esthetic or attractive or worthwhile. And 284 00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:47,679 Speaker 1: a lot of that stems from a sense of self 285 00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:50,520 Speaker 1: doubt that if we were to come out and just 286 00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:52,840 Speaker 1: do what we would want to do to be authentic 287 00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:55,320 Speaker 1: that that might not be accepted. I like to use 288 00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:58,320 Speaker 1: the example of choosing an outfit in the morning, right, like, 289 00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:02,160 Speaker 1: not a huge risk, not a huge time, not brown groundbreaking. 290 00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:06,000 Speaker 1: If you did think about what others were thinking, or 291 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:08,800 Speaker 1: didn't pay much attention to how they might be comparing 292 00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:11,639 Speaker 1: themselves to you, you would wear whatever you wanted. You 293 00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:14,679 Speaker 1: would pick up the first thing you saw, regardless of 294 00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:17,760 Speaker 1: whether your top matched your pants, which matched your shoes. 295 00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:21,239 Speaker 1: And if you were, you know, not thinking about other 296 00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:23,359 Speaker 1: people's opinions, you would be ready out the door in 297 00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:28,480 Speaker 1: five minutes. In contrast, if you are contemplating the judgments 298 00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:33,440 Speaker 1: and the opinions of others, trying to anticipate their thoughts 299 00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:38,600 Speaker 1: and their feelings towards you, suddenly every choice takes on 300 00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:41,879 Speaker 1: a whole new level of gravity. You start putting yourself 301 00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:45,800 Speaker 1: in the mind of every person you walk past, the 302 00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:48,800 Speaker 1: person that you're going to meet, the stranger, your own age. 303 00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:52,480 Speaker 1: The focus on what other people might be thinking about 304 00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:57,840 Speaker 1: you makes every decision takes so much longer. And it 305 00:18:57,880 --> 00:19:02,399 Speaker 1: all derives from social comparison and realizing that there is 306 00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:06,280 Speaker 1: this weird mind game going on between everybody where we're 307 00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:09,520 Speaker 1: looking at others and they're looking at us, trying to 308 00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:13,040 Speaker 1: figure out what's cool, what's normal, what we should be doing. 309 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:17,120 Speaker 1: If you want to beat social comparison, go with your 310 00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:20,960 Speaker 1: gut instinct. Don't fall into the game of thinking about 311 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:23,840 Speaker 1: what other people want from you. What do you want? 312 00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:26,800 Speaker 1: If you want to post that photo on social media, 313 00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:30,840 Speaker 1: that video that TikTok, don't question, just do it. You 314 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:32,880 Speaker 1: want to wear that outfit you like that you don't 315 00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:35,920 Speaker 1: think is like trendy or stylish, don't think, just put 316 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:37,960 Speaker 1: it on. You want to buy those weird shoes because 317 00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:40,760 Speaker 1: you really like them, go ahead. You want to go 318 00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:43,520 Speaker 1: to the gym in your sports bra, even though your 319 00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:45,760 Speaker 1: body doesn't look like hers or doesn't look like his, 320 00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:48,720 Speaker 1: or those shorts you think other people might have a 321 00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:52,800 Speaker 1: problem with. Feel the fear of judgment, and do it anyway. 322 00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:57,720 Speaker 1: People's opinions are their problem, not yours. If they want 323 00:19:57,760 --> 00:20:01,600 Speaker 1: to spend their time and like, let's be honest, they're finite, 324 00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:05,879 Speaker 1: precious energy making themselves feel better by looking at you 325 00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:08,880 Speaker 1: and putting you down. That is their burden to bear. 326 00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:14,560 Speaker 1: The antidote to social comparison is authenticity, and it's a 327 00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:18,600 Speaker 1: muscle that you have to build. Social comparison, by nature 328 00:20:19,359 --> 00:20:22,040 Speaker 1: asks us to converge to the norm, to prevent sticking 329 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:24,760 Speaker 1: out as an outlier, to do what others are doing 330 00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:28,160 Speaker 1: so that we're never the one sticking out in the crowd, 331 00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:31,760 Speaker 1: never the one who's going to be judged. So the 332 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:34,640 Speaker 1: way to be that is to do the absolute opposite. 333 00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:36,680 Speaker 1: If there is something you want to do, do it. 334 00:20:37,119 --> 00:20:39,480 Speaker 1: And you'll soon find that as you adjust to this 335 00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:43,439 Speaker 1: new mindset, your urge to compare will start to fade 336 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:47,399 Speaker 1: because the information that you're getting from others' lives and 337 00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:50,840 Speaker 1: whether they're better or worse than yours, whether they're judging 338 00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:55,919 Speaker 1: you their opinions, it doesn't really matter anymore. It doesn't 339 00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:59,040 Speaker 1: serve you because you're coming to the table with the 340 00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:02,159 Speaker 1: perspective of I'm just going to do it. I'm just 341 00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:04,480 Speaker 1: going to be the person I want to be. I'm 342 00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:06,640 Speaker 1: going to act the way I want to act. This 343 00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:08,280 Speaker 1: is who I am, this is what I look like, 344 00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:12,720 Speaker 1: this is what I'm doing, And you know, nobody else's 345 00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:17,119 Speaker 1: opinions are going to be a factor. They just don't matter. 346 00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:21,920 Speaker 1: So rule four is very similar, kind of falls onto 347 00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:25,359 Speaker 1: the same category. It's about watering your own grass, and 348 00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:26,879 Speaker 1: I know we just kind of spoke about that, so 349 00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:29,320 Speaker 1: I'll keep it brief. I think a lot of the 350 00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:31,760 Speaker 1: time we get stuck in the comparison spiral because there 351 00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:34,760 Speaker 1: is something that we are unhappy or secure about, and 352 00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:37,720 Speaker 1: so when we look at somebody else's life, the fact 353 00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:40,160 Speaker 1: that they do have the thing that we don't makes 354 00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:44,080 Speaker 1: us feel worse and makes us experience a level of 355 00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:47,880 Speaker 1: cognitive dissonance. Right, either we can tear somebody else down 356 00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:51,879 Speaker 1: and therefore elevate our own way of doing things, or 357 00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:56,119 Speaker 1: we can feel worse about ourselves. What option, off the 358 00:21:56,119 --> 00:21:57,880 Speaker 1: top of your head do you think we're most likely 359 00:21:57,920 --> 00:22:02,040 Speaker 1: to take? Obviously, option A, because that is what protects 360 00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:06,640 Speaker 1: our ego, That is what protects our brain from feeling rejected, 361 00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:09,520 Speaker 1: from feeling less than, from feeling hurt. So it's the 362 00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:13,600 Speaker 1: path that keeps us safest. But knocking somebody else down 363 00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:18,080 Speaker 1: is a really unhealthy defense mechanism. Instead, I think that 364 00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:24,200 Speaker 1: we should respond as your ideal self would, by seeing 365 00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:29,959 Speaker 1: somebody else's successes, seeing their beautiful, amazing life, and deciding 366 00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:34,040 Speaker 1: you can also experience that joy by doing something that's 367 00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:36,959 Speaker 1: good for you. You know, if you see someone at 368 00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:41,119 Speaker 1: a music festival or overseas or like, surrounded by all 369 00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:43,919 Speaker 1: of their amazing friends on the weekend. You can be 370 00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:47,359 Speaker 1: sour about it, and that is of course our natural inclination. 371 00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:50,800 Speaker 1: Or you can go and do something that you also 372 00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:55,040 Speaker 1: enjoy instead of feeling miserable or weakened. When you fixate 373 00:22:55,200 --> 00:22:58,200 Speaker 1: on what you don't have, you let it shape your 374 00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:02,439 Speaker 1: life and you let it have power, and it makes 375 00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:07,199 Speaker 1: you feel like you're quite powerless. You don't have agency 376 00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:11,040 Speaker 1: over what's happening, because you're seeing this other person who 377 00:23:11,119 --> 00:23:13,080 Speaker 1: has everything that you want, who has all the friends, 378 00:23:13,119 --> 00:23:17,040 Speaker 1: who has the job, who has the clothes, and you 379 00:23:17,119 --> 00:23:19,600 Speaker 1: think that you can't have that as well, and so 380 00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:22,960 Speaker 1: that makes you quite frustrated and insecure, and it makes 381 00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:26,800 Speaker 1: you resent them. But when you water your own grass, 382 00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:29,359 Speaker 1: when you shift back to what is going to make 383 00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:32,359 Speaker 1: you happy, when you nurture your friendships, when you build 384 00:23:32,359 --> 00:23:36,560 Speaker 1: your career, when you go outside and move your body, 385 00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:40,960 Speaker 1: when you prioritize doing fun things on your weekends, you 386 00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:44,479 Speaker 1: no longer feel threatened by what somebody else has because 387 00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:48,040 Speaker 1: you realize that you can also create that life for yourself. 388 00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:53,399 Speaker 1: So this brings me to our final fifth rule, using 389 00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:57,560 Speaker 1: comparison as a motivator rather than as a means to 390 00:23:57,600 --> 00:24:00,800 Speaker 1: tear yourself down. So something that we have spoken about 391 00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:05,520 Speaker 1: yet is this distinction between upward and downward social comparison. So, 392 00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:10,440 Speaker 1: downward social comparison involves comparing oneself to others who are 393 00:24:10,440 --> 00:24:13,800 Speaker 1: perceived as less fortunate or less successful, as a way 394 00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:16,400 Speaker 1: of boosting our own sense of self esteem and providing 395 00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:20,439 Speaker 1: almost a sense of relief that we're better than this person, 396 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:24,200 Speaker 1: that when we are compared, will come out on top. 397 00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:30,520 Speaker 1: It's honestly, often unconscious and very shallow, and it gives 398 00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:34,080 Speaker 1: us an immediate sense of satisfaction, but at the expense 399 00:24:34,119 --> 00:24:38,040 Speaker 1: of somebody else, and it's going to fade away pretty quickly. 400 00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:41,680 Speaker 1: This is the kind of social comparison that we engage 401 00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:45,440 Speaker 1: in for self enhancement sake. On the other hand, upward 402 00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:49,640 Speaker 1: social comparison involves comparing ourselves to those who we think 403 00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:54,640 Speaker 1: are more successful or superior quote unquote in a particular domain, 404 00:24:55,280 --> 00:24:59,359 Speaker 1: either because they are more successful, they're more attractive, they 405 00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:02,760 Speaker 1: have a greatest status, they have more money. This type 406 00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:06,200 Speaker 1: of comparison is often what leads to feelings of inadequacy 407 00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:11,040 Speaker 1: and envy, and it's really on the rise. Upward social 408 00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:14,600 Speaker 1: comparison is a lot more common. There's a few reasons why. 409 00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:18,639 Speaker 1: Perhaps it's this fascination with like celebrity culture, the rise 410 00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:24,000 Speaker 1: and idolization of people who are very, very successful, an 411 00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:30,080 Speaker 1: increasing competitiveness in our society. But upward social comparison can 412 00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:35,800 Speaker 1: also be very useful. It's a very powerful source of motivation. 413 00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:38,880 Speaker 1: Think about it. If you see somebody who has something 414 00:25:38,960 --> 00:25:43,119 Speaker 1: that you want, that just serves as a confirmation that 415 00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:47,920 Speaker 1: this goal you have, this life, this achievement is possible, 416 00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:50,800 Speaker 1: and instead of feeling bitter that you don't have it yet, 417 00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:54,240 Speaker 1: you now have something to strive towards. You have somebody 418 00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:58,080 Speaker 1: to learn from, to replicate, you have a vision for 419 00:25:58,200 --> 00:26:01,960 Speaker 1: your future self. I think that this strategy is about 420 00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:04,159 Speaker 1: turning the part of you that naturally wants to be 421 00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:08,280 Speaker 1: jealous into someone who wants to feel inspired, who is 422 00:26:08,320 --> 00:26:12,359 Speaker 1: a cheerleader for others. So, in one study, they found 423 00:26:12,400 --> 00:26:15,520 Speaker 1: that when people were asked to speak about someone they 424 00:26:15,560 --> 00:26:18,680 Speaker 1: admire in a positive light in the days and even 425 00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:23,439 Speaker 1: weeks afterwards, they became more productive and focused compared to 426 00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:27,200 Speaker 1: the people who were asked to criticize people that they admired, 427 00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:32,720 Speaker 1: they actually became less disciplined in another kind of domain. 428 00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:36,480 Speaker 1: Another study they wanted to look at this in regards 429 00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:39,399 Speaker 1: to people who were recovering from eating disorders, and the 430 00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:44,119 Speaker 1: researchers found that the comparison effect was actually quite positive 431 00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:49,240 Speaker 1: when people were exposed to individuals who were further along 432 00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:52,400 Speaker 1: in their recovery journey, because it was kind of driving 433 00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:57,120 Speaker 1: self improvement, especially amongst people who are particularly competitive. Right, 434 00:26:57,600 --> 00:27:00,199 Speaker 1: obviously we need to proceed with caution, especially in the 435 00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:02,800 Speaker 1: case of a serious mental health condition that has a 436 00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:06,399 Speaker 1: very high rate of relapse. But at the core of 437 00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:10,080 Speaker 1: both of these studies is this message that you can 438 00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:14,000 Speaker 1: use your desire to compare to motivate you. You can 439 00:27:14,160 --> 00:27:18,120 Speaker 1: use your desire to make yourself feel bad by looking 440 00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:20,760 Speaker 1: at what somebody else has. You can use that as 441 00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:24,960 Speaker 1: a catalyst to change yourself and your own life. I've 442 00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:27,760 Speaker 1: seen this personally. I think about this a lot when 443 00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:32,080 Speaker 1: I think about like running content that I see on Instagram. 444 00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:35,399 Speaker 1: I'm really getting back into running recently. It's something I 445 00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:37,120 Speaker 1: used to love doing. I just like kind of fell 446 00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:41,160 Speaker 1: off the bandwagon and I've been of course, my algorithm 447 00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:44,600 Speaker 1: has adjusted to this new interest, and it keeps showing 448 00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:47,520 Speaker 1: me all these videos of people who are doing like 449 00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:51,560 Speaker 1: they are sinking miles. They were doing half marathons before 450 00:27:51,560 --> 00:27:54,240 Speaker 1: they go to work in the morning, and full marathons 451 00:27:54,240 --> 00:27:58,159 Speaker 1: on weekends, and for a while it actually left me 452 00:27:58,200 --> 00:28:01,760 Speaker 1: feeling quite disappointed in myself. I kept being like, well, 453 00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:03,560 Speaker 1: why am I not at that level? Why do I 454 00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:07,719 Speaker 1: not have what they have? And I could unfollow. I 455 00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:10,600 Speaker 1: could say like, well, if I was their size, if 456 00:28:10,640 --> 00:28:12,199 Speaker 1: I'd been doing it for this long, I could do 457 00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:15,080 Speaker 1: that as well. Oh, like they just they're not working 458 00:28:15,119 --> 00:28:17,400 Speaker 1: as hard as I am, so they have more time 459 00:28:17,400 --> 00:28:20,040 Speaker 1: for this. I could say that I could be in 460 00:28:20,080 --> 00:28:23,000 Speaker 1: this kind of like sulky mindset, but what it would 461 00:28:23,040 --> 00:28:26,600 Speaker 1: mean is that I would miss out on so many tips, 462 00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:31,800 Speaker 1: so much inspiration, so much growth because they're doing the 463 00:28:31,840 --> 00:28:33,720 Speaker 1: thing that I want to do. Their proof that I 464 00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:36,840 Speaker 1: can get where I want to go. So instead of 465 00:28:37,359 --> 00:28:40,960 Speaker 1: looking at somebody else and feeling bad because you're not 466 00:28:41,080 --> 00:28:44,640 Speaker 1: squaring up to what they have, just see it as 467 00:28:44,720 --> 00:28:49,520 Speaker 1: a target. See it as confirmation that everything you want 468 00:28:49,560 --> 00:28:53,320 Speaker 1: in your life is possible because they've done it. So 469 00:28:53,360 --> 00:28:55,880 Speaker 1: I want to give you two final speed round tips. Firstly, 470 00:28:56,360 --> 00:28:58,920 Speaker 1: despite all that we've talked about, sometimes we do still 471 00:28:58,960 --> 00:29:01,800 Speaker 1: find ourselves feel really shit about where we're at and 472 00:29:01,840 --> 00:29:04,760 Speaker 1: thinking that we are behind, that we are failing, that 473 00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:06,480 Speaker 1: we aren't who we want to be. Everyone else is 474 00:29:06,480 --> 00:29:09,040 Speaker 1: better than us. You know, you get the picture. In 475 00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:12,400 Speaker 1: those moments, I want you to immediately counteract that thought 476 00:29:12,720 --> 00:29:16,040 Speaker 1: by saying five things that you're good at, or listing 477 00:29:16,320 --> 00:29:19,720 Speaker 1: five things that you've accomplished this past week, this past 478 00:29:19,760 --> 00:29:22,240 Speaker 1: month in your life. You don't need to be humble. 479 00:29:22,680 --> 00:29:25,239 Speaker 1: You have done amazing things. You've probably done a lot 480 00:29:25,280 --> 00:29:28,640 Speaker 1: of really cool things, and when you hide them from yourself, 481 00:29:28,720 --> 00:29:32,560 Speaker 1: when you spend too much time being self deprecating or 482 00:29:32,600 --> 00:29:36,160 Speaker 1: trying not to seem egotistical, sometimes it's easy to forget. 483 00:29:36,200 --> 00:29:38,040 Speaker 1: So when we see somebody else who is willing to 484 00:29:38,040 --> 00:29:41,800 Speaker 1: be open about their accomplishments, we kind of forget that 485 00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:44,120 Speaker 1: we might also be at that level. We're just not 486 00:29:44,160 --> 00:29:48,360 Speaker 1: as willing to talk openly about it. Finally, remember that 487 00:29:48,440 --> 00:29:52,320 Speaker 1: the person you're comparing yourself to is probably doing the 488 00:29:52,400 --> 00:29:57,160 Speaker 1: exact same thing to somebody else. There is somebody in 489 00:29:57,200 --> 00:30:00,000 Speaker 1: their mind who is better than them. They are compared 490 00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:04,240 Speaker 1: caring themselves to that person. Probably right now, that person 491 00:30:04,880 --> 00:30:08,320 Speaker 1: may even be you. You have no idea what is 492 00:30:08,360 --> 00:30:12,640 Speaker 1: going on internally in somebody else's mind. We often think 493 00:30:12,680 --> 00:30:15,920 Speaker 1: we're the only person with doubts with insecurity, when it 494 00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:18,800 Speaker 1: actually is one of the most universal parts about being human. 495 00:30:19,280 --> 00:30:21,560 Speaker 1: But when we get stuck in our heads and don't 496 00:30:21,600 --> 00:30:25,719 Speaker 1: filter our experience through the lens of our humanity, it 497 00:30:25,760 --> 00:30:28,360 Speaker 1: makes us feel more shame for something that is so normal. 498 00:30:28,920 --> 00:30:31,400 Speaker 1: I want to remind you there is not a person 499 00:30:31,480 --> 00:30:34,920 Speaker 1: out there who does not have the same thoughts that 500 00:30:34,960 --> 00:30:37,760 Speaker 1: you are having now. And if that person does exist, 501 00:30:37,880 --> 00:30:40,440 Speaker 1: either they came out of the womb at like the 502 00:30:40,560 --> 00:30:44,840 Speaker 1: peak of spiritual enlightenment, or there is something very psychologically 503 00:30:44,840 --> 00:30:48,680 Speaker 1: wrong with that person. Because what our social comparison stems 504 00:30:48,720 --> 00:30:52,000 Speaker 1: from is an awareness of others and an awareness of 505 00:30:52,520 --> 00:30:55,640 Speaker 1: where they're at in their lives, what they're doing, and 506 00:30:55,680 --> 00:30:57,960 Speaker 1: that awareness is important for so many other things in 507 00:30:57,960 --> 00:31:01,880 Speaker 1: our life. Right, It's important for empathy, it's important for connection, 508 00:31:02,240 --> 00:31:05,640 Speaker 1: for inspiration. It's like two sides of the same coin. Right. 509 00:31:06,040 --> 00:31:09,360 Speaker 1: Being more socially conscious comes with a lot of perks, 510 00:31:09,400 --> 00:31:12,120 Speaker 1: but it also means that we can be more self conscious, 511 00:31:12,680 --> 00:31:16,120 Speaker 1: so we have to learn how to treat it correctly. 512 00:31:16,200 --> 00:31:18,480 Speaker 1: We have to learn to use it for its advantages 513 00:31:19,120 --> 00:31:22,120 Speaker 1: and to not use it as a form of self 514 00:31:22,120 --> 00:31:26,560 Speaker 1: sabotage or a form of self destruction, whereby the only 515 00:31:26,640 --> 00:31:29,280 Speaker 1: time we compare ourselves to others is just to make 516 00:31:29,320 --> 00:31:32,920 Speaker 1: ourselves feel worse. You are a cool person, You are 517 00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:37,440 Speaker 1: an interesting person. You are an intelligent, successful, beautiful person 518 00:31:37,920 --> 00:31:41,560 Speaker 1: in your own right. So don't let what somebody else 519 00:31:41,600 --> 00:31:44,720 Speaker 1: has their beauty, their achievements, their cool factor, their job, 520 00:31:44,960 --> 00:31:49,080 Speaker 1: whatever it is. Remember those things are not mutually exclusive. 521 00:31:49,160 --> 00:31:52,520 Speaker 1: You can both be those things. It doesn't detract from 522 00:31:52,600 --> 00:31:55,240 Speaker 1: everything that you have. I just want to finish on 523 00:31:55,320 --> 00:31:59,200 Speaker 1: that reminder. So I really hope that you have enjoyed 524 00:31:59,280 --> 00:32:02,120 Speaker 1: this episode. Thank you for putting up with my voice today. 525 00:32:02,160 --> 00:32:05,560 Speaker 1: I'm a little bit sick, so hopefully it wasn't too grading. 526 00:32:05,960 --> 00:32:08,280 Speaker 1: But you know, I just felt that this episode needed 527 00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:11,160 Speaker 1: to be done. I feel like social comparison is such 528 00:32:11,160 --> 00:32:13,600 Speaker 1: a curse that we manage in our twenties. But it's 529 00:32:13,640 --> 00:32:15,720 Speaker 1: like a curse that we don't need to suffer through 530 00:32:15,760 --> 00:32:18,480 Speaker 1: because there are so many solutions, and it really does 531 00:32:18,520 --> 00:32:20,440 Speaker 1: come down to how we think about it, right whether 532 00:32:20,480 --> 00:32:22,720 Speaker 1: we think about it as something that is meant to 533 00:32:22,720 --> 00:32:24,520 Speaker 1: harm us and something that is meant to make us 534 00:32:24,520 --> 00:32:26,880 Speaker 1: feel bad, or something that can really ignite our sense 535 00:32:26,920 --> 00:32:31,959 Speaker 1: of purpose and be inspirational and does come from a 536 00:32:32,000 --> 00:32:37,560 Speaker 1: deep like recognition and connection with others. So thank you 537 00:32:37,640 --> 00:32:39,760 Speaker 1: so much for listening. I hope that you've got something 538 00:32:39,760 --> 00:32:42,520 Speaker 1: from this episode. If there is somebody who needs to 539 00:32:42,560 --> 00:32:44,680 Speaker 1: hear it, please feel free to share it with them 540 00:32:45,120 --> 00:32:48,760 Speaker 1: and make sure you're following along on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, 541 00:32:48,760 --> 00:32:52,120 Speaker 1: whatever you're listening, so that you know when new episodes 542 00:32:52,280 --> 00:32:56,600 Speaker 1: go up. As always, if you have an episode suggestion, firstly, 543 00:32:56,720 --> 00:32:58,720 Speaker 1: make sure we haven't done it. You can just search 544 00:32:58,760 --> 00:33:02,080 Speaker 1: it wherever you are looking the keywords, or shoot me 545 00:33:02,120 --> 00:33:04,440 Speaker 1: a DM on Instagram and I'll point you in the 546 00:33:04,520 --> 00:33:07,920 Speaker 1: right direction. Otherwise, give us a suggestion. We would love 547 00:33:07,960 --> 00:33:09,640 Speaker 1: to hear from you. We would love to know what 548 00:33:09,680 --> 00:33:11,920 Speaker 1: you want us to speak about when it comes to 549 00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:14,600 Speaker 1: our Tenney's, when it comes to psychology, there is so 550 00:33:14,720 --> 00:33:17,640 Speaker 1: much to be sad, So thank you again for listening. 551 00:33:17,960 --> 00:33:21,479 Speaker 1: Until next time, be kind to yourself, be gentle, stay safe, 552 00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:24,880 Speaker 1: and we'll see you back next week.