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Speaker 1: I'm into philosophy. They should love deep intellectual conversations too.

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Speaker 1: I like reading. They should love reading too. And I'm like,

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Speaker 1: you're not trying to be with yourself. That's not the

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Speaker 1: goal of a relationship. If you find that it works,

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Speaker 1: that's awesome, but you have to realize that those are

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Speaker 1: not the qualities that make this a healthy relationship. Hey, everyone,

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Speaker 1: welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast

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Speaker 1: in the world, and thanks to you all, it has

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Speaker 1: been an incredible couple of weeks. Our guests have been incredible.

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Speaker 1: You've been listening to these solo episodes on a Friday.

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Speaker 1: I know so many of you are listening to an

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Speaker 1: episode every day, and I genuinely hope that that is

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Speaker 1: massively improving your mental, physical, emotional health. Remember, if you're

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Speaker 1: listening to on Purpose, it's because you're happy, healthy, and healing. Right,

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Speaker 1: We're here because we're happy, healthy, and healing. I am happy, healthy,

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Speaker 1: and healing at all times. And I want to thank

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Speaker 1: you so much for all the love and energy you

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Speaker 1: brought to the Kendall Jenner episode that just came out

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Speaker 1: on Monday. If you haven't heard it, I highly recommend

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Speaker 1: you go back and listen to it. It's a really

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Speaker 1: great episode to get a unique perspective, a different angle.

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Speaker 1: I want to thank you genuinely appreciate you for giving

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Speaker 1: me that opportunity, for being patient, for listening, and I'm

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Speaker 1: so glad you turned up today because I really believe

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Speaker 1: that this episode, what I'm about to share with you

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Speaker 1: is going to really transform how you think about relationships.

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Speaker 1: And as you know, I have my new book coming

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Speaker 1: out next year, eight Rules of Love. Eight Rules of

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Speaker 1: Love dot com. You can pre order the book. But

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Speaker 1: some of these ideas are ideas that have thought about

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Speaker 1: for the past couple of years. I've been working on

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Speaker 1: them with my coaching clients who are having relationship difficulties

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Speaker 1: or marriage difficulties, or have gone through a divorce or

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Speaker 1: a breakup, and I wanted to share these with you

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Speaker 1: here because otherwise I don't really get to tell you

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Speaker 1: about all of them. So thank you so much for

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Speaker 1: turning up, thank you for being here, thank you for

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Speaker 1: all the reviews that you've been leaving. It's been unbelievable

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Speaker 1: to see the support that you've been giving the show,

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Speaker 1: and I genuinely couldn't be more thankful to each and

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Speaker 1: every one of you. I would love you to leave

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Speaker 1: a review as well, and it would mean the world

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Speaker 1: to me. So I'm going to dive in. And today's

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Speaker 1: theme is all about six ways to know if you're

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Speaker 1: compatible with someone and four steps to build real connection. Now,

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Speaker 1: people have talked about this for a long time that

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Speaker 1: a lot of the time we look for chemistry, but

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Speaker 1: we forget to look for compatibility. And I think when

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Speaker 1: we think about a healthy relationship, we think about compatibility

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Speaker 1: as an idea, but often we confuse it with chemistry.

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Speaker 1: I'll give an example. I was speaking to someone recently

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Speaker 1: who's a landscape designer, and he was explaining to me

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Speaker 1: that some people want to plant trees in certain countries

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Speaker 1: or cities or towns where it's not favorable for those

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Speaker 1: trees to grow. So while there's chemistry I an attraction

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Speaker 1: for that person to that tree or that plant or

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Speaker 1: that flower, that plant or that tree or that flower

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Speaker 1: would not flourish in that area. It would actually struggle,

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Speaker 1: which is a compatibility issue. Now, when I heard that,

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Speaker 1: I just thought of relationships. I was thinking, how often

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Speaker 1: is it that you meet someone that you have so

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Speaker 1: much chemistry with but very little compatibility with? There's an attraction,

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Speaker 1: there's a spark, there's a genuine interest, but your habits

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Speaker 1: don't align, your values don't align. You don't have that respect,

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Speaker 1: you don't have the skills and the tools to deal

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Speaker 1: with each other's differences. And then at the same time,

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Speaker 1: you mean the opposite. There's no chemistry, but there's lots

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Speaker 1: of compatibility, and that doesn't work either. I want us

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Speaker 1: to recognize the importance of compatibility. I think we understand

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Speaker 1: chemistry to be the spark, the attraction. But one of

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Speaker 1: the things I find is that chemistry is like lighting

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Speaker 1: a match stick. You light a match stick and then

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Speaker 1: the match stick burns and then it runs out. But

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Speaker 1: it was giving light and giving heat for as long

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Speaker 1: as it lasted. But compatibility, it's like lighting a candle.

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Speaker 1: When you light it, it burns slower, it gives off

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Speaker 1: a beautiful fragrance and scent. It lasts far longer, and

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Speaker 1: it's a beautiful experience. The match has that spark, it

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Speaker 1: has that instant feeling, but it doesn't last as long.

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Speaker 1: Now I want to talk about what compatibility is, but

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Speaker 1: I also want to talk about what compatibility isn't because

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Speaker 1: I think we throw these words around a lot, and

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Speaker 1: I think these words are rarely really broken down and

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Speaker 1: made easy to understand. So compatibility does not mean the

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Speaker 1: same personality. Let me say that again, compatibility does not

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Speaker 1: mean the same personality. I think we think of people

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Speaker 1: who are compatible is like, we like the same things.

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Speaker 1: We like the same food, we like the same movies,

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Speaker 1: we like to do the same things. I find that

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Speaker 1: this is a very narrow limited view of what compatibility is.

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Speaker 1: The challenge is that you could love the same movies

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Speaker 1: as someone, the same food as someone, the same music

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Speaker 1: as someone, but you may not have the same relationship

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Speaker 1: ship abilities, or skills or tools to help things move along.

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Speaker 1: I'll give an example. I remember dating someone, one of

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Speaker 1: my exes, who we had this We had a lot

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Speaker 1: in common, right, We had a lot in common, we

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Speaker 1: liked doing the same things. Without time, we've really enjoyed

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Speaker 1: each other's company. Right, personality wise, it was a really

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Speaker 1: great fit. But what I realized is that we had

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Speaker 1: massively different expectations and input in a relationship. For example,

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Speaker 1: every time I asked for a favor where she may

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Speaker 1: have to go out of her way, she didn't feel

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Speaker 1: like she wanted to do that ever, And every time

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Speaker 1: she asked me for a favor, she expected me to

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Speaker 1: be fully available. Now, even though we liked the same

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Speaker 1: movies and we like the same music, and we liked

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Speaker 1: the same food, that didn't change the fact that our

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Speaker 1: culture and value was different. I'm not saying that she

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Speaker 1: should have been bending over backwards or working things out.

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Speaker 1: What I'm saying is that that is far more of

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Speaker 1: an inherent factor that negatively impacts a positive relationship and

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Speaker 1: a healthy relationship, as opposed to the fact that we

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Speaker 1: like the same things. And so I think often people

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Speaker 1: are dating someone, they're like, well, we're so different. Where

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Speaker 1: you've heard that before? We're so different, Like, how is

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Speaker 1: this going to work? And what I've realized is that

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Speaker 1: the difference isn't what leads to distance. And I'll talk

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Speaker 1: about that in a second, but I just wanted to

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Speaker 1: clarify compatibility does not mean the same personality or having

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Speaker 1: the same interests. A lot of people want their partner

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Speaker 1: to have the exact interest they do. They're like, well,

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Speaker 1: I'm an entrepreneur, they should love business too, right, I'm

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Speaker 1: into philosophy. They should love deep intellectual conversations too. I

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Speaker 1: like reading. They should love reading too, And I'm like,

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Speaker 1: you're not trying to be with yourself, right, You're not

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Speaker 1: trying to date your identical self. That's not the goal

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Speaker 1: of a relationship. If you find that it works, that's awesome,

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Speaker 1: But you have to realize that those are not the traits,

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Speaker 1: those are not the qualities that make this healthy relationship.

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Speaker 1: I know countless couples who can have the most beautiful

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Speaker 1: philosophical discussions, but they can't solve the practical issues at home.

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Speaker 1: I know plenty of couples who can build huge businesses

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Speaker 1: together and grow huge empires together, but they're not growing

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Speaker 1: their relationship. They feel uncomfortable within. Right, Just think about

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Speaker 1: that for a second. That you've got this stark contrast

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Speaker 1: where it's like, when did a relationship become about entrepreneurship?

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Speaker 1: When did the relationship become about a business partnership. It's

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Speaker 1: a different connection. You may not build an empire with

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Speaker 1: your partner, You may not build a garden with your partner.

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Speaker 1: You may not have intellectual conversations with your partner, because

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Speaker 1: that may not be what they provide you with. And

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Speaker 1: I find that when we don't have our network, our community,

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Speaker 1: our friends that provides us with some of our likes

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Speaker 1: and dislikes. We place all that pressure onto our partners. Right,

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Speaker 1: this always happens. Compatibility does not mean having the same personality.

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Speaker 1: The second thing is compatibility does not mean it's easy

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Speaker 1: to get along. We think compatibility means everything's easy, everything

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Speaker 1: must work, everything just flows. And I would say that

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Speaker 1: that's more an experience of chemistry, whereas compatibility requires and

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Speaker 1: I'll talk about this in depth in a second, but

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Speaker 1: compatibility requires that deeper understanding and knowledge, which often requires discomfort. Right,

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Speaker 1: Compatibility requires discomfort. Chemistry is comfortable. Compatibility is uncomfortable. Compatibility

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Speaker 1: takes a moment to get under the roots, to get

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Speaker 1: into the deepness, the dark, the chaos, to see if

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Speaker 1: we can build strong foundations. Right, if I want to

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Speaker 1: put up a little tent, I can put up a

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Speaker 1: tent anywhere. I don't have to check the foundations. I

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Speaker 1: don't have to check the roots underneath it, I don't

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Speaker 1: have to check the soil. I can pretty much put

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Speaker 1: a tent anywhere I feel like it. But a tent

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Speaker 1: isn't a permanent residence. A permanent residence, however, if you

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Speaker 1: want to build that, if you want to build something

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Speaker 1: long lasting and stable and secure. You got to excavate

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Speaker 1: the ground. You've got to look at the foundations. You

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Speaker 1: got to look at trees and the roots under the ground.

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Speaker 1: You've got to look at the soil quality. You've got

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Speaker 1: to look at all of these things. And so compatibility

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Speaker 1: requires discomfort, right, Compatibility requires discomfort, It requires unearthing, it

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Speaker 1: requires excavating. These are not easy things to do. And

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Speaker 1: so when people say, well, if you love someone and

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Speaker 1: if you're compatible with them, it should just flow. That

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Speaker 1: may be the case initially, but it isn't the case forever.

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Speaker 1: It can be that way in the beginning, but it

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Speaker 1: doesn't mean it's going to last that way. So those

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Speaker 1: are the first two things. And the third thing that

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Speaker 1: compatibility is not is that compatibility does not require changing

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Speaker 1: someone else. I was speaking to someone recently and they

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Speaker 1: were like, well, you know, I think my partner that

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Speaker 1: I want to be with, I think he needs to

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Speaker 1: work harder. I think he needs to get a better job.

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Speaker 1: I think he needs to make more money to make

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Speaker 1: himself right for me. And I'm like, well, then you

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Speaker 1: don't love that person. You love their potential. You love

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Speaker 1: the idea of who they could be, like these are

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Speaker 1: very different things, and so compatibility you have to be

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Speaker 1: very careful. Compatibility does not mean changing someone else right.

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Speaker 1: Compatibility does not mean that if they adapt, if they change,

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Speaker 1: then we can get along and then things will work out.

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Speaker 1: So I think people think We often think compatibility is

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Speaker 1: having the same personality. We often think compatibility is that

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Speaker 1: it's easy, and we often think that compatibility is that

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Speaker 1: someone will change. And I would say that all of

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Speaker 1: those are not compatibility. The reason where those ideas come

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Speaker 1: from is most of us believe that the way we

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Speaker 1: were raised was spot on. We believe that the way

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Speaker 1: we were raised, the way we were brought up, is

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Speaker 1: the right way to do things. Imagine that what you've

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Speaker 1: done up until now in your life is like building

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Speaker 1: a home. You've built a home full of your ideas,

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Speaker 1: and when you get into a relationship, you want someone

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Speaker 1: to come and live in your house, like your metaphorical house,

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Speaker 1: in terms of your mind's house. You're saying, come and

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Speaker 1: live in my house. And what that means is, come

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Speaker 1: and live with my ideas, come and live with my ideologies,

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Speaker 1: come and live with my philosophies, come and live with

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Speaker 1: my values. And then the other person saying no, no, no,

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Speaker 1: Come and live in my house, Come and live with

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Speaker 1: my ideas, come and live with my thoughts, come and

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Speaker 1: live with my value. And so what we realize in

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Speaker 1: most relationships is that it's not about having the same likes.

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Speaker 1: It's that we're trying to get people to live in

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Speaker 1: the same way. When a relationship is actually about building

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Speaker 1: a new house together, it's about taking bricks that you

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Speaker 1: love from your house to build this new house and

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Speaker 1: leaving some bricks behind because they no longer serve and

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Speaker 1: support this new home. Notice how different that is from saying, hey,

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Speaker 1: come live in my house, or my bricks are the

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Speaker 1: right ones. One of the things that made Radie and

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Speaker 1: me compatible, I'm giving you an example, is that Radi

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Speaker 1: and I were both able to forgive and move on

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Speaker 1: when it came to everyday things. We would potentially have

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Speaker 1: a disagreement, we would talk about it, we would both sleep,

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Speaker 1: we'd wake up the next day, and we'd turn a

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Speaker 1: new page. We both share disability. I've had disability for

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Speaker 1: a long time, and I've not always been with people

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Speaker 1: that have had that. I've had relationships where I've talked

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Speaker 1: about it, I've apologized, I thought everything was fine, and

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Speaker 1: then the next day and the next day and the

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Speaker 1: next day and the next week, the person is still

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Speaker 1: upset about something that we thought was resolved. Now that

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Speaker 1: doesn't make that person bad and make me good, or

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Speaker 1: it doesn't make me bad and them good. What it

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Speaker 1: just means is that we were incompatible because we didn't

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Speaker 1: have the same style. And I'm not saying the same style,

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Speaker 1: but we didn't have a similar approach to dealing with challenges,

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Speaker 1: and that made us harder to be compatible. So here

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Speaker 1: are the four steps to build real connection as I

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Speaker 1: walk into the six things to think about when it

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Speaker 1: comes to compatibility. If you want to be compatible, these

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Speaker 1: are the four steps you have to take or whether

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Speaker 1: you want to know you're compatible with someone. So the

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Speaker 1: first thing to know whether you're compatible with someone is

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Speaker 1: an acronym called rare R a R. And the reason

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Speaker 1: why I chose the word rare is because it's rare

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Speaker 1: to be compatible with someone, right, it's rare to be

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Speaker 1: compatible with someone. You can have chemistry with a lot

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Speaker 1: of people. Compatibility is much more unique because chemistry is

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Speaker 1: that attraction that spark. Potentially, you could feel that every month,

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Speaker 1: you could feel that every year for someone else. It

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Speaker 1: could shift quickly, you could move fast. But like we said,

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Speaker 1: compatibility is stronger and long lasting. So the first R

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Speaker 1: R R. The first R is recognize differences. If you

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Speaker 1: want to be compatible with someone, know where you're different.

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Speaker 1: Often when we meet someone, we look for all the similarities.

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Speaker 1: That's fine, but we don't look for the differences. Know

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Speaker 1: where that person is different. So I'll give an example.

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Speaker 1: I'm timely and organized, rather is more spontaneous. Notice I'm

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Speaker 1: being also very careful about my language. Often we say

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Speaker 1: things like I'm organized, they're unorganized, And what we're basically

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Speaker 1: saying is I'm smarter and better for being organized. That

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Speaker 1: person is weaker and worse for being unorganized. And realized

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Speaker 1: this actually it's a different energy. I'm organized, but Radi

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Speaker 1: is spontaneous, and that's a beautiful positive strength in and

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Speaker 1: of itself. So recognize differences. So that's one of mine

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Speaker 1: and Raddy's. Another one of mine and Radis is I

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Speaker 1: am highly focused, driven by goals, and Radi is driven

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Speaker 1: by her feelings. She's driven by how she wants to

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Speaker 1: live or carry herself that day with very different people.

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Speaker 1: I am more naturally, I consider myself an introvert, but

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Speaker 1: I can be more extroverted, so I'm more of an ambiver.

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Speaker 1: Radi is extroverted with people she knows well, but she's

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Speaker 1: introverted people she doesn't know well. Now I notice all

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Speaker 1: these differences, right, Radi and I are very different, so

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Speaker 1: I have to recognize these differences if I want to

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Speaker 1: create compatibility with someone. If you want to create compatibility

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Speaker 1: with someone, you don't only need to know the similarities.

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Speaker 1: You need to notice the differences. If you don't notice

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Speaker 1: the differences, you don't get an opportunity to develop compatibility.

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Speaker 1: We've been getting so many amazing reviews for The Daily Jay,

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Speaker 1: my new daily guided meditation series on the car Map.

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Speaker 1: You might have heard a couple of snippets on the

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Speaker 1: podcast for a few weeks, so in case you haven't

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Speaker 1: had the chance to check it out, I just wanted

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Speaker 1: from New Jersey. He's what she had to say. I

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Speaker 1: have over nine years of experience in the American public

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Speaker 1: school education system, including teaching throughout the pandemic. Over the

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Speaker 1: past two years, I've seen extreme cases of anxiety and

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Speaker 1: my students like never before. Many of these children have

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Speaker 1: never experienced these feelings before, and most are not even

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Speaker 1: sure of what they are feeling. My school district has

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Speaker 1: spent a great deal of time focusing on social emotional

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Speaker 1: learning SEL through this school year. We try to teach

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Speaker 1: coping skills and focus on teaching kids how to deal

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Speaker 1: As someone who has also been experiencing the many anxieties

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Speaker 1: will have seven minutes of daily Jay each day, she

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Speaker 1: encouraged me in doing this. Your meaningful ideas and meditation

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Speaker 1: The second thing you need to look at after being

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Speaker 1: recognized in their differences, you need an awareness of their stance.

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Speaker 1: Why are they that way? Where did that come from?

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Speaker 1: Where is their ideology? Often we just assume that that's

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Speaker 1: their weakness or that's their strength. We don't realize where

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Speaker 1: that came from for them. Right, Where did that come

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Speaker 1: from for them? How did they create that? How did

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Speaker 1: they do that for me? Becoming aware of someone's stance

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Speaker 1: and how they are that way is a really special

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Speaker 1: aspect of learning and creating compatibility. Compatibility means I know

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Speaker 1: why I am the way I am, and I know

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Speaker 1: why my partner is the way they are. So for example,

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Speaker 1: when I look at my life, I started working when

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Speaker 1: I was fourteen years old. I've always worked. I've pretty

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Speaker 1: much been independent for my adult life. But even since fourteen,

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Speaker 1: I paid for my own phone bill, my degree, I

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Speaker 1: took a student loan as well, but I paid my

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Speaker 1: way to life from fourteen, for my car, my car insurance.

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Speaker 1: These were very normal parts of my life. Now, I

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Speaker 1: know other people who didn't start working till they graduate

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Speaker 1: from college at twenty one. I know people who started

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Speaker 1: working before me because they dropped out of school. So

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Speaker 1: what I'm saying is that learning that. So now when

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Speaker 1: I look at my life today and I love working,

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Speaker 1: I love my purpose, I love creating, I love doing

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Speaker 1: all of this, it comes from that conditioning and I'm

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Speaker 1: happy with that conditioning. So if today Radie saw me

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Speaker 1: and said, why are you so committed to work? Why

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Speaker 1: are you so committed to your purpose? Why are you

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Speaker 1: so dedicated to that? It would create a challenge because

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Speaker 1: she's not understanding where it comes from. For me. I

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Speaker 1: also she knows this, and this is why Raley supports

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Speaker 1: me so much and I'm so grateful for it is

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Speaker 1: she knows that the work I'm doing comes from such

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Speaker 1: a deep place of gratitude. I've been saying this frequently

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Speaker 1: when I get stopped or a bump into some of you,

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Speaker 1: or I meet someone in the street to run an

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Speaker 1: event or whatever it may be, and people always say,

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Speaker 1: like you know, does it get you frustrating sometimes that

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Speaker 1: you're stopping and I say, well, I remember doing this

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Speaker 1: when no one turned up. I remember doing this when

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Speaker 1: five people showed up. So now that I live in

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Speaker 1: a world where I'm so grateful to have millions and

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Speaker 1: billions of you that are connected with my work, I

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Speaker 1: don't take that for granted now because Rady understands the

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Speaker 1: ideology and I understand that myself, so I can express

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Speaker 1: it to her. When she's aware of that. It makes

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Speaker 1: us more compatible because she understands why I make the

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Speaker 1: choices I'm making. Compatibility requires that you have an awareness

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Speaker 1: of why someone makes the choices they're making. And so

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Speaker 1: often we have no idea why our partner does what

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Speaker 1: they do, or we have no idea why someone new

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Speaker 1: does what they do because we've never asked them and

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Speaker 1: maybe they've not thought about it. That I promise you

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Speaker 1: if you ask them, they will think about it. And

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Speaker 1: if they don't think about it, then you'll say, well,

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Speaker 1: if someone doesn't think about my questions, are we compatible? Right?

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Speaker 1: The third steps are a recognize differences, awareness of their stance,

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Speaker 1: or awareness of their why. The third is respect their

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Speaker 1: approach Compatibility means you can respect their approach. Now, I'm

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Speaker 1: not forcing you to respect their approach. I'll give an example.

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Speaker 1: If I met someone who if I recognize the differences.

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Speaker 1: So let's say their difference was they were rude or

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Speaker 1: dismissive of family. The reason they were that way is

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Speaker 1: because their family treated them badly. Could I respect that

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Speaker 1: approach to be in a deep relationship with this person, No,

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Speaker 1: unless that person was aware of it and trying to change.

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Speaker 1: So I'm not forcing you to respect someone's approach, but

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Speaker 1: I'm saying that that's what compatibility is. Compatibility isn't how

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Speaker 1: can I redesign and redefine this person? It's about how

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Speaker 1: can I respect them? How can I respect that they

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Speaker 1: have chosen to be that way, They're happy to be

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Speaker 1: that way, They're good being that way, and they don't

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Speaker 1: need to become someone else in order for me to

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Speaker 1: love them. And chemistry often leads us to not only

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Speaker 1: believe someone can be whatever we want them to be,

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Speaker 1: but chemistry also makes us believe that they should become

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Speaker 1: in order to be worthy of our love. And the

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Speaker 1: e in rare is express your feelings without feeling judged.

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Speaker 1: Compatibility is a space where you can express your feelings

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Speaker 1: without feeling judged. Now, this takes time. This takes time

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Speaker 1: to build. It is not easy to build. It's not

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Speaker 1: quick to build. It's something that we have to educate.

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Speaker 1: And what I find is we often walk into relationships

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Speaker 1: and we expect people to have these skills. Recognizing differences

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Speaker 1: is a skill. Being aware of someone's why takes time

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Speaker 1: and is a skill. Respecting someone's approach is time and skill.

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Speaker 1: Expressing your feelings without feeling judged is time and skill.

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Speaker 1: For example, when I first met RADI definitely we both

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Speaker 1: judge each other. We fully judged each other when we

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Speaker 1: expressed ourselves, we didn't respect each other's approach. And slowly

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Speaker 1: through time, I was guiding the relationship and saying, look,

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Speaker 1: this is our viewpoints. Can you respect mine if I

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Speaker 1: respect you? As that was the language, The language wasn't

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Speaker 1: a demand. The language was a direction. Right, Often we

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Speaker 1: demand and say love me, like me, respect me, value me,

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Speaker 1: whereas a healthy relationship is when we can say, do

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Speaker 1: we want to walk in this direction together? Are you

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Speaker 1: able to recognize my differences? Are you able to be

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Speaker 1: aware of how I think and why I think that way?

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Speaker 1: Are you able to respect that and are you able

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Speaker 1: to let me express myself without feeling judge? Can we

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Speaker 1: do this daily? Can we get better at it? Can

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Speaker 1: we move in that direction together? That's the question you

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Speaker 1: want to ask In a relationship. We often ask do

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Speaker 1: you want to be with me? It's a decision question.

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Speaker 1: The real question is are we willing to do the

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Speaker 1: work to be together. It's a direction question. Move away

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Speaker 1: from a decision question to a direction question. We get

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Speaker 1: so lost in that rhetoric of are we right for

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Speaker 1: each other? The question is do we want to make

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Speaker 1: it right for each other? Do we want to be

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Speaker 1: right for each other. It's not like there's two pieces

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Speaker 1: that just fit. It's about finding two pieces that are

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Speaker 1: made to fit right. It's not that there's a piece

430
00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:34,360
Speaker 1: out there that's the perfect puzzle piece that just slots

431
00:25:34,359 --> 00:25:36,159
Speaker 1: in with you. I think we think of that's that

432
00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:40,080
Speaker 1: chemistry thinking right, that's that chemistry, thinking that there's a

433
00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:43,440
Speaker 1: piece out there that just fits with you, and compatibility

434
00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:45,560
Speaker 1: thinking is going, well, I'm going to actually find two

435
00:25:45,560 --> 00:25:47,800
Speaker 1: pieces and there's going to be a bit of molding,

436
00:25:47,840 --> 00:25:49,399
Speaker 1: there's going to be a bit of shifting, there's going

437
00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:52,040
Speaker 1: to be a bit of understanding. But finally it's going

438
00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:54,640
Speaker 1: to fit right, and it may not even fit perfectly,

439
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:57,520
Speaker 1: and that's okay. I think that's the other part where

440
00:25:57,520 --> 00:25:59,840
Speaker 1: it's like it's going to be a perfect fit. There

441
00:25:59,920 --> 00:26:03,840
Speaker 1: is no perfect fit. So rare remember that recognize differences,

442
00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:07,960
Speaker 1: awareness of their why, respect their approach, and learn to

443
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:12,000
Speaker 1: express your feelings without being judged. Now, I want to

444
00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:15,560
Speaker 1: share these six areas of compatibility and some of the

445
00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:17,680
Speaker 1: challenges that come up with this. And this is from

446
00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:23,399
Speaker 1: the Vedic understanding of what is known as the six opulences.

447
00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:25,840
Speaker 1: These are considered the six things that we all pursue

448
00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:28,760
Speaker 1: in life, or the six things that people take very seriously,

449
00:26:29,240 --> 00:26:32,760
Speaker 1: and each of these creates a challenge or a depth

450
00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:36,280
Speaker 1: of complexity. So these six let's go through them one

451
00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:43,119
Speaker 1: by one. The first one is wealth financial compatibility. Wealth

452
00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:48,040
Speaker 1: compatibility right to have wealth compatibility. It does not mean

453
00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:54,240
Speaker 1: you have the same views about money or the same

454
00:26:54,359 --> 00:26:58,280
Speaker 1: views about finances. And I'll give you an example. Me

455
00:26:58,359 --> 00:27:01,080
Speaker 1: and Rady grew up in different homes. We grew up

456
00:27:01,119 --> 00:27:04,639
Speaker 1: with different backgrounds, We grew up with different socioeconomic backgrounds,

457
00:27:05,119 --> 00:27:07,720
Speaker 1: and in my home, there were certain things that were

458
00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:10,960
Speaker 1: prioritized when money was always spent. Money was always spent

459
00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:14,240
Speaker 1: abundantly on food. Same with Radi. My parents always believe,

460
00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:18,120
Speaker 1: never sacrifice your health. Same with Radi. Now as I've

461
00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:20,840
Speaker 1: grown older, some of my values of change where I

462
00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:23,560
Speaker 1: think there are other areas of health that that includes.

463
00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:27,000
Speaker 1: Now my wife doesn't have to agree with that, she

464
00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:29,800
Speaker 1: doesn't have to be aligned with that, but she has

465
00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:32,280
Speaker 1: to be okay with me wanting to invest in that.

466
00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:35,720
Speaker 1: There has to be a sense of support and understanding

467
00:27:35,800 --> 00:27:38,840
Speaker 1: of other people. So when you're thinking about financial compatibility,

468
00:27:39,119 --> 00:27:41,680
Speaker 1: the question isn't do we agree on how we spend

469
00:27:41,680 --> 00:27:45,919
Speaker 1: our money. It's do we understand why each of us

470
00:27:46,600 --> 00:27:49,239
Speaker 1: thinks about money in this way and what is the

471
00:27:49,240 --> 00:27:52,320
Speaker 1: solution we want to create together for our relationship. We

472
00:27:52,359 --> 00:27:56,000
Speaker 1: have to realize that we are now creating together. The

473
00:27:56,080 --> 00:27:58,600
Speaker 1: next one is beauty. There needs to be a healthy

474
00:27:58,640 --> 00:28:02,680
Speaker 1: attraction to the person you're with. Of course, attraction is

475
00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:07,040
Speaker 1: a part of compatibility physical compatibility, but there has to

476
00:28:07,119 --> 00:28:11,119
Speaker 1: also be a healthy attraction to oneself. Otherwise you feel

477
00:28:11,119 --> 00:28:14,360
Speaker 1: your partners out of your league and that creates incompatibility.

478
00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:18,040
Speaker 1: So physical incompatibility isn't that someone's better looking than the

479
00:28:18,080 --> 00:28:21,920
Speaker 1: other person or someone gets more attention. It's if you're together,

480
00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:27,639
Speaker 1: how do you feel about yourself? If you feel insecure

481
00:28:27,680 --> 00:28:32,320
Speaker 1: about yourself, you will create incompatibility in that relationship. Right.

482
00:28:32,359 --> 00:28:36,760
Speaker 1: I know someone who she feels that the guy she's

483
00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:40,080
Speaker 1: with is so out of her league that she's always

484
00:28:40,160 --> 00:28:43,000
Speaker 1: saying that to him. Which, what do you think that does?

485
00:28:43,400 --> 00:28:47,560
Speaker 1: It makes them physically incompatible because he's constantly reminded of that.

486
00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:49,480
Speaker 1: He keeps having to remind it that he's not and

487
00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:52,720
Speaker 1: that he is attracted to and that she's beautiful and

488
00:28:52,760 --> 00:28:55,480
Speaker 1: all the rest of it. But that it doesn't end

489
00:28:55,600 --> 00:28:59,880
Speaker 1: up working because the insecurity creats incompatibility. The third air

490
00:29:00,160 --> 00:29:06,120
Speaker 1: compatibility is power. Now, power dynamics and a relationship are interesting,

491
00:29:06,160 --> 00:29:09,160
Speaker 1: and knowing what your partner is good at and letting

492
00:29:09,200 --> 00:29:14,080
Speaker 1: them lead is how you disseminate power in a relationship.

493
00:29:14,400 --> 00:29:17,680
Speaker 1: So do we have a power compatibility? Often what happens

494
00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:21,440
Speaker 1: in power compatibility is the loudest, most extraversted, strongest partner

495
00:29:21,520 --> 00:29:24,800
Speaker 1: takes over and dominates a relationship. A healthy power to

496
00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:29,360
Speaker 1: dynamic in a relationship is knowing which partner is good

497
00:29:29,360 --> 00:29:32,560
Speaker 1: at what and letting them lead on those areas. Now,

498
00:29:32,560 --> 00:29:34,840
Speaker 1: I've got three more areas of compatibility I want to

499
00:29:34,840 --> 00:29:40,880
Speaker 1: discuss with you. Fame, compatibility in public perception. This is

500
00:29:40,920 --> 00:29:44,800
Speaker 1: so much more interesting today in the world of social media,

501
00:29:45,360 --> 00:29:50,880
Speaker 1: because our relationship compatibility is constantly being questioned and looked

502
00:29:50,880 --> 00:29:54,200
Speaker 1: at by our friends, our family, and other people. A

503
00:29:54,360 --> 00:30:00,600
Speaker 1: relationship becomes more compatible when in public give each other

504
00:30:00,640 --> 00:30:07,720
Speaker 1: the spotlight, and in private we genuinely appreciate but give

505
00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:12,480
Speaker 1: each other growth feedback. So what often happens in relationships

506
00:30:12,600 --> 00:30:16,520
Speaker 1: is people will criticize or joke or potentially even be

507
00:30:16,560 --> 00:30:20,160
Speaker 1: condescending about their partner in public, but in private, but

508
00:30:20,200 --> 00:30:21,560
Speaker 1: I always tell you how much I like you. But

509
00:30:21,640 --> 00:30:24,320
Speaker 1: that makes someone feel uncomfortable. Now, I'm not also saying

510
00:30:24,320 --> 00:30:26,680
Speaker 1: putting your partner on stage and making them give a speech,

511
00:30:26,680 --> 00:30:30,000
Speaker 1: because they may not be comfortable with that. But understanding

512
00:30:30,000 --> 00:30:32,960
Speaker 1: whether you're compatible by how you behave How does your

513
00:30:32,960 --> 00:30:36,440
Speaker 1: partner want to be appreciated, How does your partner want

514
00:30:36,480 --> 00:30:41,560
Speaker 1: to be acknowledged? That is a really important part of compatibility. Now,

515
00:30:41,560 --> 00:30:44,840
Speaker 1: this one's an interesting one. Renunciation is considered an opulence.

516
00:30:44,840 --> 00:30:48,959
Speaker 1: People who are detached monks have high renunciation and this

517
00:30:49,120 --> 00:30:53,400
Speaker 1: renunciation compatibility in a relationship is letting your partner grow

518
00:30:54,040 --> 00:30:57,560
Speaker 1: at their own pace, right, not forcing them to grow.

519
00:30:57,680 --> 00:31:05,520
Speaker 1: That's compatibility. Compare abilities, encouragement, support, guidance, love, affection, but

520
00:31:05,560 --> 00:31:11,120
Speaker 1: not force. That's what creates compatibility, and finally, knowledge compatibility.

521
00:31:11,760 --> 00:31:13,840
Speaker 1: We're compatible with someone if we're trying to learn new

522
00:31:13,880 --> 00:31:16,800
Speaker 1: things with each other, so we're compatible financially if we

523
00:31:16,840 --> 00:31:21,000
Speaker 1: simply learn to understand and create a new plan together,

524
00:31:21,800 --> 00:31:24,800
Speaker 1: not forcing our own plan on the other person. We're

525
00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:28,840
Speaker 1: compatible physically if we're not insecure about our own self

526
00:31:28,920 --> 00:31:32,320
Speaker 1: and we focus on that to create a healthy relationship

527
00:31:32,320 --> 00:31:35,719
Speaker 1: with someone. We will be compatible in power and influence

528
00:31:36,040 --> 00:31:38,520
Speaker 1: if we learn our strengths and weaknesses and let our

529
00:31:38,560 --> 00:31:42,840
Speaker 1: partner leads sometimes and we lead sometimes. Will be compatible

530
00:31:42,880 --> 00:31:47,800
Speaker 1: in fame and external places and people when we learn

531
00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:53,160
Speaker 1: how our partner wants to receive appreciation. Will be compatible

532
00:31:53,160 --> 00:31:57,520
Speaker 1: in renunciation. When we're detached from our partner's path, we

533
00:31:57,640 --> 00:32:01,560
Speaker 1: realize their path is different to ours, and we're compatible

534
00:32:01,720 --> 00:32:04,880
Speaker 1: in knowledge in mind when we think about learning new

535
00:32:04,920 --> 00:32:11,120
Speaker 1: things together or learning separately and sharing our learnings. I

536
00:32:11,200 --> 00:32:13,640
Speaker 1: really hope there's shifts and transforms the way you think

537
00:32:13,680 --> 00:32:19,200
Speaker 1: about compatibility, and I am so grateful that I have

538
00:32:19,400 --> 00:32:22,600
Speaker 1: to focus on creating these new episodes for you every week,

539
00:32:22,600 --> 00:32:25,080
Speaker 1: because this is one of those ones that's really made

540
00:32:25,080 --> 00:32:28,040
Speaker 1: a big shift in my mind. I hope that you

541
00:32:28,240 --> 00:32:30,120
Speaker 1: take away some of those try and put into practice.

542
00:32:30,760 --> 00:32:34,200
Speaker 1: And I couldn't be more thankful for your ears, your time,

543
00:32:34,280 --> 00:32:37,680
Speaker 1: your presence, and I promise you on purpose is just

544
00:32:37,760 --> 00:32:40,560
Speaker 1: getting better and better. We're only just getting started. There

545
00:32:40,560 --> 00:32:44,080
Speaker 1: are so many wonderful, wonderful things happening in our space

546
00:32:44,520 --> 00:32:48,080
Speaker 1: and I'm so so pumped. Thank you so much for

547
00:32:48,120 --> 00:32:51,000
Speaker 1: listening today, Thank you for all the birthday wishes. I

548
00:32:51,040 --> 00:32:54,040
Speaker 1: am so so grateful, and I can't wait to see

549
00:32:54,040 --> 00:32:56,040
Speaker 1: you when I come on to our next year. I

550
00:32:56,120 --> 00:32:58,600
Speaker 1: cannot wait. And if you haven't already ordered Eight Rules

551
00:32:58,600 --> 00:33:01,200
Speaker 1: for Love, please pre order the book because it's going

552
00:33:01,240 --> 00:33:03,480
Speaker 1: to be a game changer. Thank you so much. I'll

553
00:33:03,480 --> 00:33:08,240
Speaker 1: see soon. H