1 00:00:01,600 --> 00:00:05,520 Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space. My grandfather 2 00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:09,000 Speaker 1: used to always tell me, don't let no take you out. 3 00:00:09,039 --> 00:00:10,039 Speaker 2: And I have your own money. 4 00:00:10,119 --> 00:00:12,360 Speaker 1: You always have your own what do you say carfare 5 00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:15,680 Speaker 1: to get home? You always makes you have your own 6 00:00:16,360 --> 00:00:19,600 Speaker 1: experience life and maximize your singleness. Like when you're single, 7 00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:23,320 Speaker 1: try to get your own place, live on your own travel, 8 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:25,400 Speaker 1: experience life, do the things you want to do before 9 00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:30,280 Speaker 1: you settle down and have children, because that'll always be there. Yeah, men, women, 10 00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:31,840 Speaker 1: people will always be there. 11 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:32,480 Speaker 2: Do you. 12 00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:34,120 Speaker 1: And so those were some of the core pieces of 13 00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:37,960 Speaker 1: advice that I got. Today's episode is sure to provide 14 00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:42,640 Speaker 1: you with motivation, inspiration, or a fresh perspective. If you 15 00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:46,680 Speaker 1: have any AHA moments or appreciate anything from this episode, 16 00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:49,480 Speaker 1: please leave us a review to let us know we're 17 00:00:49,479 --> 00:00:54,000 Speaker 1: on the right track. Also, we release episodes every Friday, 18 00:00:54,280 --> 00:00:58,600 Speaker 1: so be sure to subscribe on iTunes and visit cultivatinghurspace 19 00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:02,480 Speaker 1: dot com to act says, our exclusive after show and 20 00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:05,080 Speaker 1: other bonus content from the Patreon tab. 21 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:11,200 Speaker 3: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting 22 00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:15,959 Speaker 3: women like you. We're your hosts, Doctor Dominique Brussard, a 23 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:18,640 Speaker 3: college professor and psychologist. 24 00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:22,160 Speaker 1: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. In a 25 00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:27,200 Speaker 1: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood, please 26 00:01:27,319 --> 00:01:32,040 Speaker 1: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from 27 00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:35,400 Speaker 1: fibroids to fake friends and create a safe space where 28 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:37,560 Speaker 1: black women can just be. 29 00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:47,440 Speaker 4: Our quote of the day youth can walk faster, but 30 00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:53,280 Speaker 4: the elder knows the road, lady. That is an African proverb, 31 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:56,880 Speaker 4: and I'll read it one more. Chances are you've probably 32 00:01:56,880 --> 00:01:59,440 Speaker 4: seen it somewhere on the internet before, but we're going 33 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:05,320 Speaker 4: with it, and you'll see why youth can walk faster. 34 00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:08,600 Speaker 5: But the elder knows the road. 35 00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:14,760 Speaker 4: All right, Tea, you already already know what's coming. 36 00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:16,040 Speaker 2: I think that. 37 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:22,799 Speaker 1: This quote or this proverb, I think that it's complex 38 00:02:22,919 --> 00:02:24,799 Speaker 1: because I think that there are times in life where 39 00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:26,440 Speaker 1: this is true. I think about what we're going to 40 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:30,560 Speaker 1: talk about today and my relationships with my elders or 41 00:02:30,639 --> 00:02:33,119 Speaker 1: just people that are older than older than me, when 42 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:36,000 Speaker 1: I was in a certain phase in life, and how 43 00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:38,840 Speaker 1: this was very true, like I had, you know, I 44 00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:41,280 Speaker 1: was youthful, so I was faster, I knew more about tech. 45 00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:44,000 Speaker 1: There were things that I could do quickly, whereas that 46 00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:47,120 Speaker 1: olders may not. I may have been teaching them things 47 00:02:47,240 --> 00:02:49,799 Speaker 1: in that regard at the same time, they had more 48 00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:52,799 Speaker 1: life experience. And so because I was, I want to say, 49 00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:56,919 Speaker 1: so young, I'm thinking about you know, teenage years college, 50 00:02:58,160 --> 00:03:00,000 Speaker 1: they knew a lot more about the road of life 51 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:03,120 Speaker 1: life than I did, I guess. But now that I'm 52 00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:05,040 Speaker 1: at this stage, I think things have shifted. But that's 53 00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:08,480 Speaker 1: how I feel about the quote. Initially, at first hearing it, 54 00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:11,960 Speaker 1: what about you, yeah, I think, yeah. 55 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,680 Speaker 4: What comes up for me is the piece, So the 56 00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:19,680 Speaker 4: two parts right, that youth can walk faster. So the 57 00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:23,920 Speaker 4: piece that like when you have youth on your side, 58 00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:29,880 Speaker 4: there are ways in which you move differently and maybe 59 00:03:29,919 --> 00:03:33,679 Speaker 4: move more efficiently. Like if I take that in the 60 00:03:33,919 --> 00:03:40,360 Speaker 4: literal sense that a younger person, their body is different 61 00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:44,240 Speaker 4: and more adile and can do a whole lot more yeap, 62 00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:47,640 Speaker 4: like the things that I that I used to do 63 00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:51,720 Speaker 4: in my teens in twenties that my body could handle, right, 64 00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:56,720 Speaker 4: I can't handle them exactly that my ninety something year 65 00:03:56,800 --> 00:04:02,480 Speaker 4: old grandmother can't handle them. That makes sense to me 66 00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:05,840 Speaker 4: that piece about the youth can move faster. However, like 67 00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:09,240 Speaker 4: the elder knows the world. Like it goes to what 68 00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:12,520 Speaker 4: you said about life experience that like I think about him, 69 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:16,800 Speaker 4: my ninety something year old grandmother, Yeah, and all that 70 00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:22,359 Speaker 4: she has seen in her life that she can pave 71 00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:26,080 Speaker 4: the way in a lot of respects. But because of 72 00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:29,240 Speaker 4: the way the world shifts and advances and technology and 73 00:04:29,279 --> 00:04:33,440 Speaker 4: things like that, there are some things that she might 74 00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:39,080 Speaker 4: not know. But in general, when it comes to living life, 75 00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:43,840 Speaker 4: she knows more that I know. 76 00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:47,120 Speaker 5: And for damn sure. 77 00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:51,280 Speaker 4: Knows more than like my youngest niece or nephew because 78 00:04:51,279 --> 00:04:53,960 Speaker 4: they can life. 79 00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:55,000 Speaker 5: Yeah, exactly. 80 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:58,760 Speaker 2: Do that makes sense? Yeah. 81 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:02,120 Speaker 4: So when we think about though, because as we were 82 00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:05,520 Speaker 4: talking about this episode, like like planning this episode out, 83 00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:10,760 Speaker 4: we had like we were discussing our lives in some 84 00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:13,960 Speaker 4: young people lives and some of the elders in our lives, 85 00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:17,000 Speaker 4: and like in recognizing that in some ways we're kind 86 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:17,880 Speaker 4: of in the middle of it. 87 00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:18,880 Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure. 88 00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:22,480 Speaker 4: And when we think about kind of laying the groundwork 89 00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:27,599 Speaker 4: for this converse, for sure, one less what it means 90 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:29,240 Speaker 4: to kind of be in the middle, like to be 91 00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:30,799 Speaker 4: young to be an elder. 92 00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:33,839 Speaker 5: Like, so, yeah, what we're what we're talking about? 93 00:05:33,880 --> 00:05:37,080 Speaker 1: Yeah, I will say In our previous episode about elders, 94 00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:39,520 Speaker 1: we did an episode I think about respecting elders, and 95 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:42,839 Speaker 1: in that particular episode, we had I want to say, 96 00:05:42,839 --> 00:05:44,880 Speaker 1: more of a formal definition of what it meant to 97 00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:47,440 Speaker 1: be an elder. For this particular episode, I think it's 98 00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:51,040 Speaker 1: very basic. It's just anyone older than you, right, So 99 00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:54,640 Speaker 1: it could be a cousin, your mama, your grandmother, your grandfather, 100 00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:57,839 Speaker 1: like uncle, auntie, whatever, anyone who's older than you. So 101 00:05:57,880 --> 00:06:01,280 Speaker 1: a very basic definition. And then and that's pretty much 102 00:06:01,279 --> 00:06:03,040 Speaker 1: spot on the right as far as what it means. 103 00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:05,360 Speaker 1: And then why this conversation is important. So Dom and 104 00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:08,080 Speaker 1: I were having a conversation offline. I think I was 105 00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:10,360 Speaker 1: at brunch or something or maybe hanging out last night, 106 00:06:10,720 --> 00:06:13,080 Speaker 1: and we were talking about some of the young people 107 00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:17,560 Speaker 1: in our lives and how there were points in our lives. Personally, 108 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:19,600 Speaker 1: I know there was a point in my life where 109 00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:26,080 Speaker 1: I sort of put my elders on the pedal stool. Yeah, 110 00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:28,520 Speaker 1: I thought, like I thought that they were just perfect 111 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:30,880 Speaker 1: or they knew everything, they had all the answers. And 112 00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:33,599 Speaker 1: now as I get older, I'm at the age that 113 00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:35,680 Speaker 1: you know, my parents were when they were you know, 114 00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:38,640 Speaker 1: having my siblings and I and I'm thinking about who 115 00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:40,000 Speaker 1: I am and where I am in life. 116 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:42,479 Speaker 2: I'm like, wow, I can imagine being in their shoes. 117 00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:45,880 Speaker 1: So we think it's important to cover this conversation because 118 00:06:45,880 --> 00:06:48,560 Speaker 1: there's a lot of different perspective shifts that we can 119 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:50,760 Speaker 1: share with you that you can consider. Maybe you've had 120 00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:53,760 Speaker 1: these perspectives, lady, maybe you have not, and this is 121 00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:56,359 Speaker 1: something that you can consider for your journey. And so 122 00:06:56,440 --> 00:06:58,680 Speaker 1: we think it's important to just talk about the dynamics 123 00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:00,800 Speaker 1: and the shifts that happened, so we can kind of 124 00:07:00,839 --> 00:07:02,680 Speaker 1: give you some game hopefully. 125 00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:03,840 Speaker 2: That you can use your journey. 126 00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:07,080 Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, I agree, I think it. You know, it's 127 00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:10,200 Speaker 4: interesting as you were saying that, like, yeah, that perspective 128 00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:16,760 Speaker 4: shift is so fascinating when I think about like my niece, yeah, and. 129 00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:23,920 Speaker 5: Where they are, and. 130 00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:24,160 Speaker 4: When I put myself so I think about my like 131 00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:26,160 Speaker 4: the things that they are going through, things that they 132 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:29,160 Speaker 4: are navigating. Yes, and then I can remember being in 133 00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:35,640 Speaker 4: that space. But now as my grown self looking at them, 134 00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:39,840 Speaker 4: I'm like, girl, a whole lot of girl, get your life, 135 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:44,920 Speaker 4: Get your life. And I remember being at that stage 136 00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:46,120 Speaker 4: and thinking. 137 00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:48,400 Speaker 5: That like I knew it, all of it. 138 00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:53,360 Speaker 4: Yes, and that nobody understood me that life is different. 139 00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:57,160 Speaker 4: Life was different back then, y'all, y'all don't get it. Yeah, 140 00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:02,120 Speaker 4: And sitting in this space now, this age, I'm like, not, 141 00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:03,280 Speaker 4: I get it. 142 00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:08,080 Speaker 1: Yes, I hadn't been there, done that, okay, right, And 143 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:14,400 Speaker 1: then thinking about where I am, and it also deepens 144 00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:15,960 Speaker 1: my respect. 145 00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:20,240 Speaker 5: For my elders of recognizing life. 146 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:25,240 Speaker 4: So that is how I was coming across to y'allah. 147 00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:33,400 Speaker 4: Bless y'all, bless y'all, because why I probably was a 148 00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:36,600 Speaker 4: lot to deal with. There probably were I think about 149 00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:38,120 Speaker 4: some of the things that I may have said to 150 00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:45,720 Speaker 4: people and some of the decisions that I may have made, 151 00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:48,640 Speaker 4: and I don't think I did or said anything of grefious. 152 00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:52,920 Speaker 4: But what I do think that it was an air 153 00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:58,319 Speaker 4: of I got this, y'all, don't y'all don't know exactly, 154 00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:02,560 Speaker 4: like I know better than y'all mm hmm. And when 155 00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:06,440 Speaker 4: I see it now, they're are like, I have to 156 00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:11,559 Speaker 4: stop myself and like I said, deepen my respect for 157 00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:17,480 Speaker 4: my eldership if that's what y'allways dealing with, And then 158 00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:22,960 Speaker 4: look at the younger folks and say how my grandmother, 159 00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:26,199 Speaker 4: you know, And elders always say babe, just keep living. 160 00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:31,800 Speaker 1: I said, keep on living, because baby, what does life experience? 161 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:36,079 Speaker 1: You're gonna be learning some things for real. Hey, lady, 162 00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:38,520 Speaker 1: it's Terry here, Dom and I want to take a 163 00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:41,040 Speaker 1: moment to thank you for choosing to listen to our podcast. 164 00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:43,240 Speaker 1: We love you for real, and we want to give 165 00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:45,600 Speaker 1: you a chance to learn more about what's important to us. 166 00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:47,800 Speaker 1: So tell us what you think about this. 167 00:09:48,679 --> 00:09:51,040 Speaker 6: Imagine a world where you have a chance to get 168 00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:55,000 Speaker 6: featured on the Cultivating her Space podcast and share your 169 00:09:55,080 --> 00:10:00,880 Speaker 6: business brand or perspective with millions around the globe. 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We also have 197 00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:36,120 Speaker 1: an option for you to donate on a one time 198 00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:40,480 Speaker 1: basis if that meets your needs. Again Herspace podcast dot 199 00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:43,440 Speaker 1: com and you can click that link that says Patreon. 200 00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:46,599 Speaker 1: All right, lady, we'll hop right back into the conversation. 201 00:11:49,559 --> 00:11:52,840 Speaker 1: So don When you think about your experiences in life, 202 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:57,640 Speaker 1: like how is your relationship with your elders changed or 203 00:11:57,679 --> 00:12:00,840 Speaker 1: your perspective of elders in gym? Because I know for me, 204 00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:03,560 Speaker 1: I've had big shifts over the years, like based on 205 00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:06,240 Speaker 1: where I was when I was younger compared to where 206 00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:07,840 Speaker 1: I am now. So what are some like the major 207 00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:10,040 Speaker 1: themes or shifts that you've experienced. 208 00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:16,800 Speaker 4: I think for me personally, it's been Some of it 209 00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:20,760 Speaker 4: is like learning, like really learning, pay attention to learn 210 00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:25,520 Speaker 4: the lessons of what they are dealing with, so that 211 00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:30,440 Speaker 4: as I a tunder those stages in life, God willing 212 00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:35,920 Speaker 4: that I can navigate them in the showkiest way possible. 213 00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:39,240 Speaker 1: So you actually learned, like you took those lessons firstus 214 00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:41,400 Speaker 1: some of the young people are like, M like you actually, 215 00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:43,200 Speaker 1: well no, some of them clear, I'm. 216 00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:46,440 Speaker 4: Speaking about now oh okay, okay, okay, thinking about this 217 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:47,040 Speaker 4: is the now. 218 00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:51,800 Speaker 7: Okay, the now Okay, this the I have lived a 219 00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:54,680 Speaker 7: little have moved out of the eye. Know, I know 220 00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:58,760 Speaker 7: it all in life that a lot of young adults 221 00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:03,480 Speaker 7: have and have. I have moved into and I moved 222 00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:06,760 Speaker 7: into these years ago, but like I'm still sitting in 223 00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:11,000 Speaker 7: it and it just deepens every day of like, let 224 00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:14,000 Speaker 7: me pay attention to how the elders are living their 225 00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:17,320 Speaker 7: lives now, and what are the things that I need 226 00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:18,400 Speaker 7: to do differently? 227 00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:19,000 Speaker 2: Gotcha? 228 00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:22,120 Speaker 4: So that I or what are the things that I 229 00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:27,359 Speaker 4: want to make sure I replicate so that life continues 230 00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:30,800 Speaker 4: to go well for me? Okay, right, But if we 231 00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:36,160 Speaker 4: go back to, like I say, going back to childhood 232 00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:39,480 Speaker 4: and also looking at this and thinking about all of 233 00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:45,679 Speaker 4: this developmental psychology perspective and recognizing that, oh you are 234 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:50,559 Speaker 4: at five and where your brain is compared to what 235 00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:55,080 Speaker 4: your brain is like when you're ninety, Like, there's lots 236 00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:58,520 Speaker 4: of evolution and change in between. That there's a lot 237 00:13:58,559 --> 00:14:02,360 Speaker 4: that goes on in between time, for sure, right, And 238 00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:04,079 Speaker 4: so at. 239 00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:09,840 Speaker 5: Five, I remember I remember, No, it was ten. 240 00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:12,920 Speaker 4: I remember the memory that I'm that's coming up for me, 241 00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:16,200 Speaker 4: is I remember being ten? 242 00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:17,560 Speaker 3: No? 243 00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:18,120 Speaker 5: It was five? 244 00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:20,320 Speaker 4: I'm sorry, I'm trying to get my ages right, I was, 245 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:23,640 Speaker 4: you know, No, it was five because I remember being 246 00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:27,320 Speaker 4: in the in the store with my grandmother and we 247 00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:30,200 Speaker 4: were shopping for a card from my uncle who had 248 00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:33,200 Speaker 4: just turned thirty. Oh my gosh, that must the same 249 00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:39,880 Speaker 4: at five. One like one meet dynamic. The relationship between 250 00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:42,320 Speaker 4: me and my grandmother has always been good, right. 251 00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:44,160 Speaker 5: Like that that I love. 252 00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:49,200 Speaker 4: And so I remember just being in the store and thinking, 253 00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:53,240 Speaker 4: oh my gosh, he thirty is like wow, thirty is 254 00:14:53,320 --> 00:14:56,120 Speaker 4: like you're like that's growing grown, right, Like thirty is 255 00:14:56,160 --> 00:15:00,680 Speaker 4: a walk, yes, And but then thinking that my grandmother, 256 00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:03,640 Speaker 4: who was in her fifties at the time, like, oh. 257 00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:04,960 Speaker 2: My gosh, fifty is old. 258 00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:08,760 Speaker 4: Yeah, And no shade to my grandmother, no shade to 259 00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:10,840 Speaker 4: anybody who is currently in their fifties. 260 00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:11,760 Speaker 2: But you are. 261 00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:13,560 Speaker 5: Five, that's what your five old? 262 00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:18,520 Speaker 4: Mine was sure for sure. And I also remember thinking 263 00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:24,680 Speaker 4: that like their house was so huge, yes, right, man? 264 00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:30,320 Speaker 4: As I get as I got older, yeah, there's this 265 00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:34,760 Speaker 4: recognition of like, thirty ain't old. 266 00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:38,960 Speaker 1: Gods a baby for real, baby for real. 267 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:44,960 Speaker 4: Right, right, And fifties ain't old, no, And but also 268 00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:52,200 Speaker 4: this acknowledgment that my twenties is not my grandmother's twenties, 269 00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:58,160 Speaker 4: it's not my mom's twenties, thirties, forties, fifties is not 270 00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:03,960 Speaker 4: my grandmother's thirties, forties, fifty did that there are certain 271 00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:10,640 Speaker 4: things that society has cause change with, right, But over time, 272 00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:17,800 Speaker 4: as I get older, like my respect, my appreciation, my 273 00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:23,760 Speaker 4: understanding of why the adults in life done the things 274 00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:29,680 Speaker 4: that they did. It shifts, like my understanding grows, right, 275 00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:34,040 Speaker 4: And I want to be clear that while my understanding grows, 276 00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:39,000 Speaker 4: that does not necessarily mean that I agree with what 277 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:42,320 Speaker 4: they did, or that I like what they did exactly, 278 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:45,280 Speaker 4: or that I'm trying to replicate what they did. It 279 00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:50,840 Speaker 4: was right exactly exactly, it's I understanding. 280 00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:55,280 Speaker 1: Yes, I understand how someone in their position could get 281 00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:56,560 Speaker 1: to this point. 282 00:16:56,920 --> 00:17:02,400 Speaker 4: Exactly because I think about too, Like right now, I'm 283 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:03,040 Speaker 4: forty one. 284 00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:06,560 Speaker 5: Yeah, when my mom. 285 00:17:06,119 --> 00:17:11,760 Speaker 8: Was my age, she had just become a grandmother, and 286 00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:18,320 Speaker 8: so right, why you put that in perspective, I can't. 287 00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:22,879 Speaker 4: Imagine me being somebody's grandmama. Shall out mama and grandmama, 288 00:17:24,119 --> 00:17:25,640 Speaker 4: I feel why I fail? 289 00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:26,640 Speaker 5: Forty one? 290 00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:29,720 Speaker 4: Yes, being somebody's mom, that's like yeah, because I'm in 291 00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:38,639 Speaker 4: earth feed like until that feels okay, but like grandma man, like, 292 00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:42,800 Speaker 4: I can't imagine, like my life will looked totally different 293 00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:45,159 Speaker 4: for sure, And so I get it right, Like I 294 00:17:45,359 --> 00:17:50,760 Speaker 4: understand right again, I don't have to like or agree 295 00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:53,240 Speaker 4: with any of the decisions or the way life was 296 00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:59,119 Speaker 4: be lived, but I understand it. Yeah, So that was 297 00:17:59,119 --> 00:18:01,119 Speaker 4: a long I was like, that was a fun answer. 298 00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:06,440 Speaker 4: What is your take? Yeah, that question that was good. Though, 299 00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:08,200 Speaker 4: I will say I had to take some notes because 300 00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:10,639 Speaker 4: I'm always like, wait, what are my thoughts on this? 301 00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:13,680 Speaker 4: So yeah, okay, So going back to the then, right, Yeah, 302 00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:16,080 Speaker 4: as a young person, when I interacted with the Odors, I. 303 00:18:16,119 --> 00:18:18,040 Speaker 5: Just feel like I put. 304 00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:19,480 Speaker 1: Them all pedals souls, Like I was just like, oh 305 00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:22,879 Speaker 1: my gosh, Like you said, my grandparents had this home 306 00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:25,080 Speaker 1: that felt so massive when I was younger, this Row 307 00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:28,000 Speaker 1: home in Philly, and it's a typical row home, but 308 00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:30,080 Speaker 1: like when I was younger, I just my grandparents were 309 00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:32,000 Speaker 1: rich to me because they were always giving me. They 310 00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:33,840 Speaker 1: just always had it together in my eyes as a 311 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:37,920 Speaker 1: young person. So I would say that I was also 312 00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:39,760 Speaker 1: one of those young people that I love to hang 313 00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:42,960 Speaker 1: out with older people, like I love to just hang 314 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:44,840 Speaker 1: out with them and get their wisdom. And I was 315 00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:47,720 Speaker 1: also even though I have my heart headed moments, I 316 00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:50,000 Speaker 1: was very much the person that was like, give me 317 00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:52,440 Speaker 1: the wisdom so I can get the cheat code for 318 00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:55,440 Speaker 1: my own journey. Like if I see this person went 319 00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:58,080 Speaker 1: down this path and they made a mistake and they 320 00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:00,760 Speaker 1: got into this and this happened go that way, so 321 00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:03,200 Speaker 1: I was always trying to learn from them as well. 322 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:06,359 Speaker 1: I would just say that I just thought they had 323 00:19:06,359 --> 00:19:08,800 Speaker 1: it all together. That was how I knew the perspective 324 00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:11,200 Speaker 1: back then. And I think I had somewhat of a 325 00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:15,040 Speaker 1: rude awakening as I began to get older and like 326 00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:17,760 Speaker 1: you said, you know, being forty one. I just turned 327 00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:21,199 Speaker 1: thirty four and my mom was thirty five when she 328 00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:25,320 Speaker 1: had my youngest brother, and I can't imagine being like 329 00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:28,600 Speaker 1: this age or being thirty five and having five kids, right. 330 00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:31,399 Speaker 1: So I think that in some ways it also gives 331 00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:34,760 Speaker 1: me empathy and compassion because I'm like, girl, I already 332 00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:37,639 Speaker 1: be stressed out and my life is already so full 333 00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:42,520 Speaker 1: with one child, and my mom had five and was 334 00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:45,120 Speaker 1: trying to manage y'all. Not to say, like you said, 335 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:47,320 Speaker 1: not saying I agree with everything that you you know 336 00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:48,960 Speaker 1: that she did and all that, but it's like, I 337 00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:50,720 Speaker 1: can understand how you could get to the place that 338 00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:53,760 Speaker 1: you were at with having five children at this stage 339 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:54,240 Speaker 1: and age. 340 00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:54,520 Speaker 3: Right. 341 00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:58,320 Speaker 1: I think about on Thanksgiving that just passed, which is 342 00:19:58,359 --> 00:20:02,119 Speaker 1: my birthday, I was cooking a Thanksgiving dinner and I 343 00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:04,760 Speaker 1: had my rope, my big robe on I sprayed some 344 00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:06,639 Speaker 1: of my grandmother's perfume, and I was just kind of 345 00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:08,960 Speaker 1: welcoming her energies. I was in there cooking and I 346 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:10,280 Speaker 1: looked in the mirror a couple of times, and I 347 00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:12,600 Speaker 1: was like, damn, I look like my grandmother. Like I 348 00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:15,640 Speaker 1: know that if my family members will see me right now, 349 00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:17,720 Speaker 1: like they'd be like, yo, you look just. 350 00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:18,280 Speaker 2: Like your grandmother. 351 00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:20,479 Speaker 1: And then what it made me think about, too, was 352 00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:24,600 Speaker 1: I often would see my grandmother because I was I'm 353 00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:27,680 Speaker 1: a grandmom's girl, too, like that's my love recent piece 354 00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:31,359 Speaker 1: to my amazing grandmother. But I always saw her, and 355 00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:34,160 Speaker 1: a lot of my elders is one dimensional beings. I 356 00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:38,240 Speaker 1: saw her as my grandmother and that's it. But when 357 00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:40,399 Speaker 1: you would tell me stories about her life, I'd be like, 358 00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:42,280 Speaker 1: oh my god, you had a whole life before me, 359 00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:44,600 Speaker 1: Like I thought I was like at the center of yours. 360 00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:46,359 Speaker 1: You had a whole life before my mom, like you 361 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:47,920 Speaker 1: had a life before your kids. And so I would 362 00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:51,720 Speaker 1: hear these stories. And on Thanksgiving and I was cooking 363 00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:54,840 Speaker 1: looking like my grandmother, I thought about all that I'm 364 00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:57,320 Speaker 1: going through in my life right now. On a personal basis, 365 00:20:57,480 --> 00:20:59,840 Speaker 1: I thought about how I was sitting on the couch, 366 00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:00,760 Speaker 1: you know, watching TV. 367 00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:01,760 Speaker 2: My mind was racing. 368 00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:04,040 Speaker 1: I was thinking about these different things and thinking about 369 00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:06,600 Speaker 1: my life as a woman and just my life. And 370 00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:08,480 Speaker 1: I think about when I would see her in the 371 00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:10,359 Speaker 1: kitchen cooking. I just saw her as my grandmother and 372 00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:12,640 Speaker 1: the kitchen cooking. I didn't think about what was going 373 00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:15,760 Speaker 1: on in her psyche, what she was experiencing, the thoughts 374 00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:18,560 Speaker 1: she was having, the limits she was trying to find 375 00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:20,840 Speaker 1: solutions for. So I think just seeing them as humans 376 00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:24,480 Speaker 1: is another thing, like humanizing them as I age is 377 00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:26,680 Speaker 1: something else that I realized, which again goes back to 378 00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:31,720 Speaker 1: giving them more compassion, having more empathy. Hey girl, Hey, 379 00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:35,200 Speaker 1: we hope you're enjoying this conversation as much as we are. 380 00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:38,959 Speaker 1: But let's be real, it costs money to podcast and 381 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,800 Speaker 1: we got bills to pay, So enjoy this commercial break 382 00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:44,800 Speaker 1: as you process what we've been talking about. 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And I think that 449 00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:21,000 Speaker 1: was so beyond me when I was younger, because I'm like, 450 00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:24,280 Speaker 1: you're older, you have it together, you're established. And my grandmother, 451 00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:26,800 Speaker 1: like bless her heart, she would often like I watched 452 00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:29,320 Speaker 1: her put on makeup. She was very much a woman's woman, like, 453 00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:31,440 Speaker 1: very much into her looks and appearance, which I take 454 00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:33,760 Speaker 1: after it from her. But she would often say, oh, 455 00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:36,800 Speaker 1: I got these marks, and she would criticize herself a lot, 456 00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:39,000 Speaker 1: and I would just be like, girl, like you're beautiful. 457 00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:39,520 Speaker 2: I just see you. 458 00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:42,000 Speaker 1: Because this is the grandmoma I'm always used to with 459 00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:45,080 Speaker 1: the you know, moles and beauty marks, things like that, blemishes, 460 00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:48,320 Speaker 1: but because she once upon a time didn't have those things, 461 00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:51,600 Speaker 1: and so she's had to cope with now the differences 462 00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:54,560 Speaker 1: in her appearance, whereas I just always known you as this. 463 00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:57,480 Speaker 1: So I think I can relate to them more because 464 00:26:57,520 --> 00:26:59,639 Speaker 1: I've lived more life, and I think about how my 465 00:26:59,760 --> 00:27:04,040 Speaker 1: biddy and cool shot girl, how my body's changed. I 466 00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:06,399 Speaker 1: think about how these beauty market these modes are popping 467 00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:10,560 Speaker 1: out all over my chest and my neck and my face. Girls, 468 00:27:10,680 --> 00:27:13,520 Speaker 1: they popping out all over my whole body, and now 469 00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:15,399 Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, I see what. 470 00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:16,400 Speaker 2: So I think. 471 00:27:16,320 --> 00:27:19,280 Speaker 1: Understanding also comes because a lot of times you don't 472 00:27:19,359 --> 00:27:22,960 Speaker 1: have that experience until you experience in life. So that 473 00:27:23,119 --> 00:27:25,840 Speaker 1: was also long winded, but that was That's how I 474 00:27:25,840 --> 00:27:28,720 Speaker 1: think my relationship has changed over the years. When it 475 00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:31,280 Speaker 1: comes to the elders in my life. 476 00:27:31,760 --> 00:27:35,040 Speaker 4: What do you think has been the best piece of 477 00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:38,840 Speaker 4: advice you received from your elders? 478 00:27:40,119 --> 00:27:43,920 Speaker 1: The best piece of advice? I feel like there's probably 479 00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:46,480 Speaker 1: so much, but a couple of things that come to mind. 480 00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:50,760 Speaker 1: One is always keep something for yourself. I think this 481 00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:52,960 Speaker 1: is like an old wives tale from the from the 482 00:27:53,080 --> 00:27:57,560 Speaker 1: from the elders, y'all, where they say, you know, the 483 00:27:57,640 --> 00:27:59,840 Speaker 1: man should always love the woman more. That was something 484 00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:04,159 Speaker 1: else that Grandmam always said that always have your own 485 00:28:04,920 --> 00:28:08,760 Speaker 1: My grandfather used to always tell me, don't let no take. 486 00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:10,439 Speaker 4: You out, and I have your own money and always 487 00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:10,760 Speaker 4: had them. 488 00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:13,080 Speaker 1: You always have your own. What do you say carfare 489 00:28:13,440 --> 00:28:14,119 Speaker 1: to get home? 490 00:28:14,640 --> 00:28:14,720 Speaker 3: Like? 491 00:28:14,760 --> 00:28:17,159 Speaker 1: You always make sure you have your own. And so 492 00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:20,240 Speaker 1: I think that I think those are some of the 493 00:28:20,280 --> 00:28:21,959 Speaker 1: core ones. The last one I'll add to that is 494 00:28:22,680 --> 00:28:26,080 Speaker 1: experience life, and like maximize your singleness, like when you're single, 495 00:28:26,600 --> 00:28:29,800 Speaker 1: try to get your own place, live on your own, travel, 496 00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:31,879 Speaker 1: experience life, do the things you want to do before 497 00:28:31,880 --> 00:28:36,720 Speaker 1: you settle down and have children, because that'll always be there. Yeah, men, women, 498 00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:39,800 Speaker 1: people will always be there, like do you. And so 499 00:28:39,800 --> 00:28:41,400 Speaker 1: those were some of the core pieces of advice that 500 00:28:41,400 --> 00:28:41,720 Speaker 1: I gotten. 501 00:28:41,760 --> 00:28:44,920 Speaker 9: What about you, you know, so part of why I 502 00:28:44,920 --> 00:28:47,480 Speaker 9: asked you that, I asked you the questions because I 503 00:28:47,520 --> 00:28:53,240 Speaker 9: was sitting here trying to think of what like concrete 504 00:28:53,280 --> 00:28:54,000 Speaker 9: like advice. 505 00:28:54,080 --> 00:28:57,280 Speaker 4: And I know, once we finished recording the episode, like 506 00:28:57,960 --> 00:28:59,440 Speaker 4: or something, it's going to come up. 507 00:28:59,440 --> 00:29:01,120 Speaker 5: As always does. 508 00:29:02,280 --> 00:29:07,960 Speaker 4: But really what I'm sitting here thinking about is not 509 00:29:08,040 --> 00:29:11,440 Speaker 4: necessarily words that were spoken in terms of the vice, 510 00:29:12,360 --> 00:29:19,360 Speaker 4: but things that I observed nice, right, And so I 511 00:29:19,400 --> 00:29:25,440 Speaker 4: think about like the relationship between my grandparents and everybody 512 00:29:25,480 --> 00:29:29,040 Speaker 4: always used to joke that grandmother's the boss, like she 513 00:29:29,240 --> 00:29:31,880 Speaker 4: was the one who was in charge of like her 514 00:29:31,920 --> 00:29:34,200 Speaker 4: and my grandfathers. 515 00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:35,320 Speaker 5: Like the life. Yes, And. 516 00:29:36,840 --> 00:29:40,880 Speaker 4: When I think about that, I think about what that 517 00:29:41,120 --> 00:29:47,160 Speaker 4: means in terms of that phrase, happy wife, happy life. 518 00:29:47,400 --> 00:29:52,600 Speaker 4: And then as I try to, like in these current times, 519 00:29:52,640 --> 00:29:56,440 Speaker 4: I parts out what it means to just ruok white 520 00:29:56,480 --> 00:30:01,720 Speaker 4: subplimacy and patriarchy and have anti blackness, and how all 521 00:30:01,760 --> 00:30:07,480 Speaker 4: of that shows up in our relationships. And I think 522 00:30:07,520 --> 00:30:14,400 Speaker 4: about how my grandparents' relationship one of the things that 523 00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:24,320 Speaker 4: value was keeping like having things for themselves, right. Like 524 00:30:24,760 --> 00:30:27,560 Speaker 4: I do remember having a conversation with her, my grandmother, 525 00:30:27,880 --> 00:30:30,880 Speaker 4: when I was younger, like in my late teens early twenties, 526 00:30:31,480 --> 00:30:36,520 Speaker 4: kind of asking about like inquiring more about like love 527 00:30:36,680 --> 00:30:39,440 Speaker 4: and relationships, right. And one of the things that she 528 00:30:39,600 --> 00:30:42,400 Speaker 4: talked about is like there are certain things within your 529 00:30:42,440 --> 00:30:45,880 Speaker 4: relationship that you keep between the two of you and 530 00:30:45,920 --> 00:30:52,040 Speaker 4: that you don't have everybody else trying to be in 531 00:30:52,120 --> 00:30:53,160 Speaker 4: your relationship. 532 00:30:53,400 --> 00:30:55,040 Speaker 3: Right. Eight. 533 00:30:55,240 --> 00:30:56,200 Speaker 2: Most people who know. 534 00:30:56,200 --> 00:31:00,680 Speaker 4: My grandmother know that my grandmother is pretty quiet, but 535 00:31:00,960 --> 00:31:06,080 Speaker 4: like when she's got something to say, like when she 536 00:31:06,400 --> 00:31:10,000 Speaker 4: is resolved on something, she's very clear that this is 537 00:31:10,040 --> 00:31:14,360 Speaker 4: what this is. And I remember observing that resolve as 538 00:31:14,400 --> 00:31:20,800 Speaker 4: she talked about keeping people out of the relationship and 539 00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:24,000 Speaker 4: saying and she mentioned one time the conversation that she 540 00:31:24,200 --> 00:31:30,200 Speaker 4: had with my great grandmother, her mother in lawved about 541 00:31:30,760 --> 00:31:34,520 Speaker 4: kind of staying out of the relationship, out of her marriage. 542 00:31:35,360 --> 00:31:40,200 Speaker 4: And in my mind, because I knew my great grandmother 543 00:31:40,240 --> 00:31:42,360 Speaker 4: died when I was ten, so I have I do 544 00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:49,040 Speaker 4: have memories of her. What comes what came up was 545 00:31:49,080 --> 00:31:50,920 Speaker 4: not the memory of what my grandmother said about that 546 00:31:50,960 --> 00:31:54,840 Speaker 4: conversation she had of like, you know, just imagine that 547 00:31:54,880 --> 00:31:59,080 Speaker 4: mother who's trying to get but in into the marriage, 548 00:31:59,520 --> 00:32:05,960 Speaker 4: in my grandmother being very clear concerned with her of like, nah, 549 00:32:06,040 --> 00:32:11,160 Speaker 4: you ain't doing this, and it disrupted my image of them, Okay, 550 00:32:11,520 --> 00:32:16,440 Speaker 4: like it was this wasn't what how I saw each 551 00:32:16,480 --> 00:32:20,080 Speaker 4: of them. And so to get back to the question 552 00:32:20,200 --> 00:32:23,240 Speaker 4: of like the piece of advice, it's like, yeah, keeping 553 00:32:23,280 --> 00:32:27,240 Speaker 4: people out of your thing, like out of your relationship. Yeah, 554 00:32:27,800 --> 00:32:35,120 Speaker 4: and also recognizing that I observe that play out in 555 00:32:35,200 --> 00:32:38,840 Speaker 4: the couples that I work with in my own like 556 00:32:39,160 --> 00:32:42,080 Speaker 4: family members, Like what does that look like when you 557 00:32:42,240 --> 00:32:45,280 Speaker 4: have people in your relationship? 558 00:32:46,800 --> 00:32:49,440 Speaker 1: Just a technically detour, what have you noticed about people 559 00:32:49,520 --> 00:32:52,600 Speaker 1: who do have people in their relationship? Have you noticed 560 00:32:52,600 --> 00:32:54,920 Speaker 1: like a start difference between those that don't allow it 561 00:32:54,960 --> 00:33:00,520 Speaker 1: and those to do that. People will have folks in 562 00:33:00,560 --> 00:33:07,320 Speaker 1: their relationship tend to be unhappier. Oh and I say 563 00:33:07,360 --> 00:33:13,479 Speaker 1: that because you were constantly taking on everybody else's stuff. 564 00:33:14,000 --> 00:33:16,640 Speaker 1: They have different intentions, yes. 565 00:33:16,480 --> 00:33:21,040 Speaker 4: And that is influencing your relationship and so and also 566 00:33:21,240 --> 00:33:24,000 Speaker 4: recognizing too as we think about like what our elders 567 00:33:24,040 --> 00:33:26,920 Speaker 4: are about this conversation about our elders and the differences 568 00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:32,480 Speaker 4: is recognizing that again going back to what I how 569 00:33:32,640 --> 00:33:39,320 Speaker 4: I heard it from my grandmother and how that conversation 570 00:33:39,640 --> 00:33:43,640 Speaker 4: did not reflect how I how I saw each of 571 00:33:43,720 --> 00:33:47,000 Speaker 4: them as women, right, Okay, what do you like that? 572 00:33:47,400 --> 00:33:47,960 Speaker 5: So like. 573 00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:53,880 Speaker 4: My my great grandmother was a person I did not 574 00:33:53,960 --> 00:33:56,440 Speaker 4: see her as a person who would be trying to 575 00:33:56,480 --> 00:33:58,760 Speaker 4: meddle in a got you, got you? 576 00:33:58,880 --> 00:33:59,160 Speaker 2: Okay? 577 00:33:59,160 --> 00:34:04,520 Speaker 4: That grandmother that I like, that's not her, okay, and 578 00:34:06,080 --> 00:34:11,040 Speaker 4: my Graham like standing up to her and mean like, yeah, 579 00:34:12,520 --> 00:34:15,560 Speaker 4: I could see that, but not see it, okay, right, 580 00:34:15,680 --> 00:34:20,400 Speaker 4: because I see her as someone who you give difference 581 00:34:20,520 --> 00:34:27,839 Speaker 4: to your elders, right, And so it really like, as 582 00:34:27,880 --> 00:34:30,280 Speaker 4: a child, that's how I saw it, as a rolling person. 583 00:34:30,320 --> 00:34:36,239 Speaker 4: Now reflecting on it, having lived some life, I'm like sure, yeah, 584 00:34:36,239 --> 00:34:41,319 Speaker 4: a Graham, stay, yeah, I'm glad it makes sense now 585 00:34:41,520 --> 00:34:45,400 Speaker 4: at this age, right, like understanding what that meant, but 586 00:34:45,560 --> 00:34:49,319 Speaker 4: also the context of that time period that was in 587 00:34:49,400 --> 00:34:53,840 Speaker 4: the fifties that was huge for her to be able 588 00:34:53,880 --> 00:34:57,200 Speaker 4: to say that her mother in law at that time. 589 00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:02,520 Speaker 4: So I think, like, it's just you're constantly when you're 590 00:35:02,560 --> 00:35:08,120 Speaker 4: in a space of being open to seeing people, like 591 00:35:08,160 --> 00:35:17,360 Speaker 4: you said exactly, it gives you room to really understand 592 00:35:18,280 --> 00:35:19,279 Speaker 4: their perspectives. 593 00:35:19,840 --> 00:35:23,560 Speaker 1: And lady, we're going to emphasize not excuse their behavior, 594 00:35:23,680 --> 00:35:27,200 Speaker 1: not excuse their perspective, but just have understanding, right, just 595 00:35:27,239 --> 00:35:30,360 Speaker 1: have understanding. Wow, that's just I'm so glad that you 596 00:35:30,400 --> 00:35:34,640 Speaker 1: made the distinction between an actual like lesson and an 597 00:35:34,680 --> 00:35:37,640 Speaker 1: observation that turned into a lesson, because I think sometimes 598 00:35:37,640 --> 00:35:41,920 Speaker 1: there's unspoken lessons that we gain just by observing. So 599 00:35:41,960 --> 00:35:43,880 Speaker 1: I love that you made that distinction. And of course 600 00:35:44,280 --> 00:35:45,759 Speaker 1: we're gonna have to dive into the next question, which 601 00:35:45,760 --> 00:35:47,239 Speaker 1: I was trying to brainstorm, like what is some of 602 00:35:47,239 --> 00:35:49,919 Speaker 1: the worst advice? What's some of the worst advice you've 603 00:35:49,920 --> 00:35:52,759 Speaker 1: ever encountered? Do you have anything off the top of 604 00:35:52,800 --> 00:35:54,760 Speaker 1: your hand, Yeah. 605 00:35:55,520 --> 00:35:58,280 Speaker 4: Ida, it's nothing that's coming up for me like statements 606 00:35:58,360 --> 00:36:02,520 Speaker 4: somebody may okay, but I'm sure as I think more, 607 00:36:03,280 --> 00:36:05,640 Speaker 4: I'm sure there's stuff that I observed that I'm like, 608 00:36:06,440 --> 00:36:07,560 Speaker 4: I wouldn't do it this way. 609 00:36:07,760 --> 00:36:09,359 Speaker 1: Do you want me to share some, and I'm sure 610 00:36:09,360 --> 00:36:11,560 Speaker 1: as soon as I share, you'll be like, oh wait, okay. 611 00:36:11,560 --> 00:36:12,920 Speaker 2: So a couple that came to mind. 612 00:36:13,440 --> 00:36:15,279 Speaker 1: One, I remember what I did my big chop, and 613 00:36:15,280 --> 00:36:18,520 Speaker 1: this wasn't necessarily advice, but you remember this. It wasn't 614 00:36:18,560 --> 00:36:21,640 Speaker 1: necessarily advice. But I remember my uncle saying to me 615 00:36:21,680 --> 00:36:24,080 Speaker 1: when I chopped my hair off in college for my 616 00:36:24,120 --> 00:36:26,800 Speaker 1: big chop, and I had a twa my teen wingie afro, 617 00:36:27,120 --> 00:36:28,680 Speaker 1: and he was like, you ain't gonna kind a husband 618 00:36:28,920 --> 00:36:31,480 Speaker 1: because you have short hair, Like I've heard some women 619 00:36:31,640 --> 00:36:33,359 Speaker 1: heard that say that over the years, like you need 620 00:36:33,400 --> 00:36:35,359 Speaker 1: some long like you need long hair to attract the man. 621 00:36:36,600 --> 00:36:39,520 Speaker 1: And I just think that's whack, Like that's not true one, 622 00:36:39,600 --> 00:36:41,480 Speaker 1: but like it's just such a negative. 623 00:36:43,200 --> 00:36:44,879 Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't like it. I don't like it either. 624 00:36:44,920 --> 00:36:48,000 Speaker 4: And what I've learned from that, yeah, is that that's 625 00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:49,960 Speaker 4: a good one. That is a good one, because I 626 00:36:50,040 --> 00:36:54,480 Speaker 4: started to like because I remember when I first shot 627 00:36:54,600 --> 00:36:58,239 Speaker 4: my hairroom I was in grad school, and I will 628 00:36:58,280 --> 00:37:00,879 Speaker 4: say the dye job that the person because it wasn't 629 00:37:00,880 --> 00:37:04,279 Speaker 4: somebody was like that was bad. Yeah, the dye job 630 00:37:04,400 --> 00:37:07,120 Speaker 4: wasn't the best, but the cut itself was cute. I 631 00:37:07,120 --> 00:37:09,520 Speaker 4: don't care what nobody saying, but I remember the reaction 632 00:37:09,600 --> 00:37:15,279 Speaker 4: of my family because again, they're they're buying in Europeans, 633 00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:20,440 Speaker 4: European standards of beauty and the current, that current patriarchal 634 00:37:20,440 --> 00:37:24,759 Speaker 4: way of existing that that men like women will care. 635 00:37:25,440 --> 00:37:30,360 Speaker 4: And to me, that speaks to recognizing the difference between 636 00:37:31,239 --> 00:37:34,120 Speaker 4: our elders, like paving the way, like going back to 637 00:37:34,239 --> 00:37:37,719 Speaker 4: our fold of the day, right of like paving the way, 638 00:37:37,800 --> 00:37:40,840 Speaker 4: and also recognizing when yeah, we might be on the 639 00:37:40,880 --> 00:37:42,640 Speaker 4: same route, but the road looks. 640 00:37:42,400 --> 00:37:44,200 Speaker 5: A little different, it's a little different. 641 00:37:44,480 --> 00:37:47,640 Speaker 4: Like so now initially the road might have been graveled, 642 00:37:47,920 --> 00:37:50,320 Speaker 4: but now they have put some cement down, So we're 643 00:37:50,400 --> 00:37:52,799 Speaker 4: doing this a little different. Being the same, but we're 644 00:37:52,800 --> 00:37:55,520 Speaker 4: doing this a little different for sure, because I think about, 645 00:37:55,640 --> 00:37:56,440 Speaker 4: like with that. 646 00:37:56,320 --> 00:37:57,719 Speaker 5: Particular piece, like. 647 00:37:59,800 --> 00:38:03,200 Speaker 4: What I took away from that is as like they were, 648 00:38:03,320 --> 00:38:06,640 Speaker 4: like I get that they were to quote unquote look 649 00:38:06,640 --> 00:38:10,120 Speaker 4: out because they want you to be married, They want 650 00:38:10,160 --> 00:38:12,800 Speaker 4: you to be settled and happy and all like image 651 00:38:12,800 --> 00:38:16,120 Speaker 4: that they have for your life. Right, So one recognizing 652 00:38:16,160 --> 00:38:18,680 Speaker 4: that their image for your life is their image. 653 00:38:18,560 --> 00:38:22,640 Speaker 5: Not yours, doesn't have to be But then also. 654 00:38:24,320 --> 00:38:28,600 Speaker 4: There is someone for everyone exactly and because and we 655 00:38:28,600 --> 00:38:30,839 Speaker 4: could do a whole other episode on that about our hair. 656 00:38:31,040 --> 00:38:36,960 Speaker 4: But like recognizing that different men approach me based on 657 00:38:37,000 --> 00:38:40,759 Speaker 4: my hair, absolutely can say and so if not that 658 00:38:40,880 --> 00:38:43,440 Speaker 4: men did not approach me, because I still can croach 659 00:38:43,680 --> 00:38:50,360 Speaker 4: I approached, but the type of man might be different 660 00:38:50,440 --> 00:38:55,879 Speaker 4: based on my hairstyle and what my hairstyut projects to them. Yes, 661 00:38:56,120 --> 00:38:58,239 Speaker 4: that makes perfect sense. And going back to what you 662 00:38:58,239 --> 00:39:02,719 Speaker 4: said about the elders, like sometimes it's helpful, and then 663 00:39:02,719 --> 00:39:06,320 Speaker 4: sometimes because of the changing times, there are paradigm shifts, 664 00:39:06,320 --> 00:39:08,359 Speaker 4: and so some of their perspectives are outdated. So there 665 00:39:08,400 --> 00:39:10,120 Speaker 4: may have been a time where if you had a 666 00:39:10,160 --> 00:39:13,319 Speaker 4: shortcut back in the day, hey, it may have been 667 00:39:13,440 --> 00:39:15,319 Speaker 4: challenging because of where we were. 668 00:39:15,239 --> 00:39:17,040 Speaker 1: In the world at that time. But because we're progressing 669 00:39:17,080 --> 00:39:18,759 Speaker 1: and we're just in a different state right now, we're 670 00:39:19,120 --> 00:39:21,840 Speaker 1: open to so much more. I think there are sometimes 671 00:39:21,880 --> 00:39:25,319 Speaker 1: paradigm shifts where now some of the perspectives that the 672 00:39:25,360 --> 00:39:27,439 Speaker 1: elders that may have been helpful in the past, they're 673 00:39:27,520 --> 00:39:31,120 Speaker 1: just outdated. It just doesn't service anymore. Another one is 674 00:39:31,160 --> 00:39:33,279 Speaker 1: I think I think there was this idea when I 675 00:39:33,320 --> 00:39:36,720 Speaker 1: was younger, and again This goes back to the time 676 00:39:36,840 --> 00:39:39,000 Speaker 1: that they were in There was this idea of like 677 00:39:39,040 --> 00:39:42,200 Speaker 1: submitting to using a man. I'm talking about being in 678 00:39:42,239 --> 00:39:45,319 Speaker 1: head on sexual relationships, but submitting to a man by 679 00:39:45,360 --> 00:39:48,400 Speaker 1: any means necessary this type of energy, and I just 680 00:39:48,440 --> 00:39:51,240 Speaker 1: don't resonate with that at all. I think that couple 681 00:39:51,360 --> 00:39:53,600 Speaker 1: should in some ways like submit to one another. But 682 00:39:53,680 --> 00:39:55,520 Speaker 1: I think that you got to be mindful, like what 683 00:39:55,520 --> 00:39:57,080 Speaker 1: are you submitting to. I'm not just going about to 684 00:39:57,120 --> 00:39:59,520 Speaker 1: submit to a motherfucker just because you got to dick. 685 00:39:59,800 --> 00:40:01,839 Speaker 2: That's it's just not what that It's not what we're doing. 686 00:40:02,040 --> 00:40:03,839 Speaker 1: Yeah, so I think you have to I think there's 687 00:40:03,840 --> 00:40:07,279 Speaker 1: a lot of context and there is caveat when it 688 00:40:07,320 --> 00:40:09,000 Speaker 1: comes to submission in general. 689 00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:10,319 Speaker 2: But I think that's something that came up. 690 00:40:10,600 --> 00:40:10,839 Speaker 5: Yeah. 691 00:40:11,080 --> 00:40:13,759 Speaker 1: Also, I think this is something that wasn't taught, but 692 00:40:13,800 --> 00:40:16,000 Speaker 1: it was something I definitely have to be honest about 693 00:40:16,040 --> 00:40:19,640 Speaker 1: by way of my observations. But I definitely come from 694 00:40:19,680 --> 00:40:22,120 Speaker 1: a family of very strong women. When I think about 695 00:40:22,120 --> 00:40:24,400 Speaker 1: the women in my family and a lot of the relationships, 696 00:40:24,440 --> 00:40:27,399 Speaker 1: the women was dominating the relationships. They were to pants 697 00:40:27,440 --> 00:40:29,480 Speaker 1: in the relationships. And I'm not saying that it was 698 00:40:29,560 --> 00:40:31,799 Speaker 1: bad advice. So I think that the women that I 699 00:40:31,840 --> 00:40:36,680 Speaker 1: observed oftentimes did it in a very disrespectful, demeaning, and 700 00:40:37,080 --> 00:40:41,120 Speaker 1: evasculating way, and I don't think that's the best approach. 701 00:40:41,400 --> 00:40:43,920 Speaker 1: I think that there needs to be mutual respecting a relationship. 702 00:40:44,120 --> 00:40:47,200 Speaker 1: But like you said, like my mom was like my mom, 703 00:40:47,440 --> 00:40:49,720 Speaker 1: and I'm not talking about my grandmother in this particular incidence, 704 00:40:49,800 --> 00:40:52,280 Speaker 1: but like you said, like my mom ran like everyone 705 00:40:52,280 --> 00:40:54,040 Speaker 1: will say, oh, you're going to my MoMA house. It's 706 00:40:54,080 --> 00:40:56,000 Speaker 1: my mom and pop up's house, but like, you going 707 00:40:56,040 --> 00:40:58,080 Speaker 1: to my MoMA house. Yeah, like we knew that she 708 00:40:58,640 --> 00:41:02,760 Speaker 1: was the not only the homemakeup, but she ran she ran. 709 00:41:02,600 --> 00:41:03,520 Speaker 2: Things in a certain way. 710 00:41:03,560 --> 00:41:05,560 Speaker 1: And I think that many of the women that I 711 00:41:05,600 --> 00:41:08,000 Speaker 1: saw in my family, they were just they were just 712 00:41:08,080 --> 00:41:11,759 Speaker 1: the dominant one. And so again some of it was 713 00:41:11,800 --> 00:41:13,879 Speaker 1: like disrespectful for some of the examples that I saw, 714 00:41:13,920 --> 00:41:15,959 Speaker 1: So I don't resonate with that. And then I also 715 00:41:16,000 --> 00:41:18,920 Speaker 1: said the last thing is probably not prioritizing self care 716 00:41:19,000 --> 00:41:21,560 Speaker 1: or therapy. I remember back in the day, and this 717 00:41:21,600 --> 00:41:23,879 Speaker 1: is having that long ago in the past ten years. 718 00:41:23,920 --> 00:41:26,640 Speaker 1: I remember when I first went to therapy in grad school, 719 00:41:26,680 --> 00:41:29,840 Speaker 1: and I remember the people around me and my community 720 00:41:29,880 --> 00:41:31,279 Speaker 1: were just like that's for white people. 721 00:41:31,440 --> 00:41:32,160 Speaker 2: Like you don't do that. 722 00:41:32,200 --> 00:41:34,759 Speaker 1: And to think of where we are ten a decade later, 723 00:41:35,000 --> 00:41:37,440 Speaker 1: where we are today, where we had the podcast. I mean, 724 00:41:37,480 --> 00:41:40,279 Speaker 1: you're a therapist, we're talking about we promote therapy on 725 00:41:40,320 --> 00:41:42,880 Speaker 1: the podcast. But to think about how it was just 726 00:41:43,040 --> 00:41:47,000 Speaker 1: so taboo for many of us back then, it's just 727 00:41:47,040 --> 00:41:49,000 Speaker 1: so interesting to see how times have changed. But those 728 00:41:49,040 --> 00:41:51,200 Speaker 1: are the I want to say, like they're quote bad 729 00:41:51,239 --> 00:41:54,560 Speaker 1: advice or the bad Yeah. 730 00:41:54,560 --> 00:41:55,399 Speaker 5: I'll go with those. 731 00:41:55,480 --> 00:41:59,120 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, those are didn't make you think of anything else. 732 00:42:00,239 --> 00:42:02,120 Speaker 4: Came up for me, but it needed, like I said, 733 00:42:02,400 --> 00:42:06,680 Speaker 4: here there like this mission piece, like that's that was 734 00:42:06,719 --> 00:42:10,239 Speaker 4: a big deal. But add on to that of like 735 00:42:11,160 --> 00:42:16,960 Speaker 4: recognizing for yourself now that like, yeah, submission, there's a 736 00:42:16,960 --> 00:42:22,279 Speaker 4: way to define submission that to me healthy relationship dynamics 737 00:42:22,320 --> 00:42:29,719 Speaker 4: and all interdependence. Yes, And within that interdependence, there are 738 00:42:29,800 --> 00:42:34,759 Speaker 4: there are places where in a heterosexual when the must 739 00:42:34,840 --> 00:42:37,400 Speaker 4: dynamic and want to be clear like this is a 740 00:42:37,440 --> 00:42:43,160 Speaker 4: specific type of relationship that there are turns when the 741 00:42:43,200 --> 00:42:46,720 Speaker 4: woman will lead because this is her area of strength, 742 00:42:47,080 --> 00:42:49,000 Speaker 4: and then there are terms when the man will lead 743 00:42:49,040 --> 00:42:51,360 Speaker 4: because that's his area of strength, and I think in 744 00:42:51,400 --> 00:42:57,080 Speaker 4: a healthy relationship dynamic, it doesn't necessarily matter whether it's 745 00:42:57,120 --> 00:43:01,239 Speaker 4: what society the man should have to strengthen vice versa. 746 00:43:02,320 --> 00:43:07,480 Speaker 4: But it's really about each person in a couple dynamic 747 00:43:07,840 --> 00:43:11,839 Speaker 4: playing to their I love that that. 748 00:43:11,880 --> 00:43:13,560 Speaker 2: Is a good space. 749 00:43:13,719 --> 00:43:16,239 Speaker 1: I think to end because I know we have the 750 00:43:16,280 --> 00:43:18,840 Speaker 1: after show and there's a question that we have that 751 00:43:18,880 --> 00:43:20,279 Speaker 1: I think will be really good to dive into in 752 00:43:20,280 --> 00:43:23,719 Speaker 1: the after show, which is how does respecting elders come 753 00:43:23,760 --> 00:43:27,360 Speaker 1: into play when you're breaking generational curses? That's a juicey 754 00:43:27,440 --> 00:43:32,279 Speaker 1: wanted a lady visit visit her Space podcast click on 755 00:43:32,400 --> 00:43:35,479 Speaker 1: Wisdom Wednesday with Terry and that way you can tune 756 00:43:35,480 --> 00:43:37,440 Speaker 1: in with Domini on the after shows who we can 757 00:43:37,440 --> 00:43:40,920 Speaker 1: dig more into this episode, this topic and that particular question. 758 00:43:41,560 --> 00:43:42,520 Speaker 1: Thank you for tuning in. 759 00:43:44,120 --> 00:43:46,920 Speaker 3: Hey, lady, is doctor dom here from the Cultivating her 760 00:43:47,000 --> 00:43:51,000 Speaker 3: Space podcast. Are you currently a resident of the state 761 00:43:51,040 --> 00:43:56,480 Speaker 3: of California and contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well, if so, 762 00:43:57,239 --> 00:44:01,520 Speaker 3: please reach out to me at doctor Domine Brustar dot com. 763 00:44:01,960 --> 00:44:06,800 Speaker 4: That's d R D O M I N I q 764 00:44:07,120 --> 00:44:09,759 Speaker 4: U E b R O U. 765 00:44:10,320 --> 00:44:15,440 Speaker 3: Ss AR D dot com to schedule a free fifteen 766 00:44:15,520 --> 00:44:21,040 Speaker 3: minute consultation. I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks 767 00:44:21,040 --> 00:44:25,120 Speaker 3: for joining us today. Please note that our show may 768 00:44:25,120 --> 00:44:31,720 Speaker 3: contain conversations about self help, advice, self empowerment, and mental health, 769 00:44:32,160 --> 00:44:35,080 Speaker 3: but is by no means meant to be a substitute 770 00:44:35,120 --> 00:44:39,560 Speaker 3: for an ongoing formal relationship with a trained mental health provider. 771 00:44:40,320 --> 00:44:43,040 Speaker 3: If you are someone you know is in need of 772 00:44:43,080 --> 00:44:47,279 Speaker 3: mental healthcare, please visit a Therapy for Black Girls directory 773 00:44:47,920 --> 00:44:51,880 Speaker 3: Psychology today or contact your insurance provider. 774 00:44:52,239 --> 00:44:54,000 Speaker 1: If you liked what you heard and want to keep 775 00:44:54,000 --> 00:44:58,440 Speaker 1: the conversation going, visit our website at Herspace podcast dot 776 00:44:58,480 --> 00:45:01,080 Speaker 1: com and be sure to click the Patreon tab to 777 00:45:01,080 --> 00:45:05,040 Speaker 1: get access to video content bonuses in our weekly after 778 00:45:05,160 --> 00:45:09,520 Speaker 1: show and before we meet again, repeat after Me. Every 779 00:45:09,600 --> 00:45:13,080 Speaker 1: dream within me exists because it's possible.